The F Plus - 269: So, I Guess I'll Just Keep Holding Out For A Hero

Episode Date: December 5, 2017

“Real Life Superheroes” is a somewhat confusing term, because it describes actual living human beings who wear costumes and write bios in the third person espousing their worldview and then... I mean, well what is “heroism” really? Is signing up for an account on the superhero forums and then getting into a flamewar with a troll account called The White Power a form of heroism? No? Okay then, how about just whatever this is.

Anyway, oh wow, it's a lot of blowjobs, okay. Citizens of the Earth, this is the F Plus Podcast. It's terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Jimmy Franks. I think a CB radio would be a good addition to every concerned citizen's emergency supply kit because they can't be tracked like cell phones can. Frank West. Today I came across some alarming news.

The wiki I had been running had expired and was about to be deleted. John Zost. Welcome to the Black Monday Society of Salt Lake City, Utah. Or attacks. It's me, Doug Wonder. And Lemon. A picture of a man with a goatee and a bandana. He's making a karate pose in front of an American flag,

and there's an eagle in the American flag. And they say you can't do visuals on a podcast. That was pretty good. He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast, and he's got to be fresh from the fight I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light Hey, F+.

Hi, Lemon. Lemon. Hey, everyone. Would you say that you're all holding out for a hero? I would. Only till the end of the night. If we say one more line, we're going to get sued. Well, okay, I got some requirements.

He's got to be strong, he's got to be fast, and he has to be larger than life. Oh, boy. Did you like that? Frank West liked that a lot. We just got DCMA'd, my friends. This episode's not going up. Our episode's going to get demonetized. Oh no!

Oh no, all our ad revenue! Lisa Madras is going to be pissed! All of the money we make from this. It's all going to go to Nintendo, oddly enough. I don't know why. That is weird. Well, you know, if you are looking for a hero, you are in luck,

because today I have a very exciting document that I've been looking at for a little while. It comes to us by Kanye Sutra. Kanye Sutra, a couple documents now. Agreed. Yes, agreed. But this document is called Real Life Superheroes. Ooh, superpowers. That's right. Real Life Superheroes. Ooh, superpowers. That's right.

Real Life Superheroes. So Kanye Sutra begins by saying, Did you know that superheroes actually exist? True to comic lore, they're nerds during the day, but criminals beware when the sun goes down. A pasty man or woman in a fedora might try to stop your drug deal, and you'll have to take an extra five minutes out of your busy schedule to beat them up. It's a lot less kinky than the MMO would have you believe.

Yeah, so we're going to start off here. We are going to World Superhero Registry. It's a terrific, terrific site. It's, well, it's purely Comic Sans on a repeating image background. It's, man, it's a victory of not CSS. So, Jimmy Franks, I have a couple of lime green questions I have for you. Those are my favorite.

So, Jimmy Franks' question, what is a real-life superhero? A real-life superhero is a person who does good deeds or fights crime while in costume. Makes sense. So what is the purpose of wearing a costume? The purpose of... I want to know what the purpose of wearing a costume is. I mean, that's the correct answer.

Oh. The purpose of wearing a... Well, there are a variety of purposes. Here are a few. To inspire others. To illustrate commitment to an ideal. To protect one's privacy. To avoid litigation.

Oh, yeah, that'll... Okay. To protect one's safety and the safety of one's family. To conceal vulnerabilities in one's protective gear. What? Is that a euphemism? My Achilles crotch shield. Yeah.

For concealment or camouflage. Sure. Really? And to have more fun with public service. That is fun. That is fun. That is fun. So is costume crime fighting legal? That depends on how it is done and where it is done.

You can just say no. Our citizens arrest statutes vary by state. Some states ban the wearing of masks. It would be wise to ban the wearing of masks. It would be wise to review the laws of your state and adjust your crime fighting strategy to comply with them. Some real life superheroes work with local law enforcement. Others are forced to avoid the police at all costs. Presumably for reasons other than this whole superhero thing.

Well, they're forced to because they couldn't take, they'd be out crime fighting, and then when the cops come up, the cops would just start laughing at them, and that would just be too big of a hit to their egos. Is there, like, a real-life supervillain site? Because I would love, love to see a volcano layer made out of paper mache. I think a paper mache volcano layer would be great.

And, like like the baking soda and it makes it all fizzy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see like, and the super villain would actually have like a baking soda volcano like on his head. Like it would be a volcano head. I like! I do want to say there was a guy who

found these guys so silly, he did become a real life super villain and just released YouTube troll videos where he, like, drank wine and wore a monocle or something. Living the dream. I would consider donating to that Patreon.

So, uh, I have a question about the World Superhero Registry. Why does your site look so glitchy? Lemon, you're only supposed to read out of the doc. Oh, I'm so sorry. It is designed for Internet Explorer.

I have limited website skills. I'm limited website developer man. Okay, so I build websites, and I would like to build you a professional-looking website for free. Are you interested? Oh, thanks, Lemon. That's so nice of you. Well, I didn't say you.

For a long time, the World Superhero Registry refused all offers of website assistance for security reasons. Security reasons. Yes, we didn't want people accessing the servers in the Fortress of Solitude. Right, of course. Yeah, after the last web developer was killed by the Joker, he works alone now. We had a website

redesign contest, but that did not result in changes to the website. And we are not currently seeking help in this area. Okay. Alright, well, that's that gives us a little bit of information And we are not currently seeking help in this area. Okay. All right. Well, that gives us a little bit of information about the site itself. So you can see here that there's all the links that are on the left side, which are repeated on the right side. And if your monitor is big enough, it's then repeated again.

But let's just go right in here to the superhero registry. It's worldsuperheroregistry.htm. Yeah. And so there's a whole bunch of superheroes, almost all of whom have pictures, and that's fun. That's really good. So, Mr. John Toast, your name is Motor Mouth, and if you'll tell me about yourself, please. Accurate. I'm Motor Mouth.

Hi. My category is crime fight and in public service. Okay. I am confirmed active rulersh media. I don't know what that means. My identity is secret. Okay. But my hair looks disturbingly like Guy Fieri's.

Sure does. You haven't seen us in the same room together. When we take it to Flavortown. Sure does. You haven't seen us in the same room together. All right, punk, I'm taking you on a one-way ticket to Flavortown. I don't have an archenemy, but my region is San Francisco, California. So my organization, Motor Mouth, patrols the San Francisco Bay Area as well as other areas of California,

helping those in need and fright fighting crime. Okay. From domestic violence in San Francisco's Tenderloin and Thugs in Oakland's Chinatown to those that prey on the weak in downtown San Jose. And aiding the homeless in Berkeley, my partners Mutinous Angel, King Snake, Hellhound. Mutinous Angel? Okay. Citizen Change.

That's good. I like that like citizen change for a dollar and mega rad alongside myself are taking care of the bay area northern california day by day and one block at a time uh okay great and then uh and then some MySpace links. But Frank West, I want to hear a little bit about a superhero who is wearing a pork pie, and his name is Life. I think maybe this guy didn't understand what the phrase real life superhero meant. No. He's got a Hamburgurglar mask on. I think I know what it is. Instead of, after his parents were killed,

instead of him seeing a bat fly through the window, a box of life fell out of the cupboard and hit him on the head. He kind of looks like the neighborhood watch guy. If this is the stranger, you're not supposed to speak to. The Cookie Crisp Bandit. So tell me about life, please. If this is a stranger you're not supposed to speak to It's the cookie crisp bandit So tell me about life please Uh life

Category public service Slash community organizer Activity level active Identity secret Arch enemy none Wow you guys had to level up I mean it might be a man named none Okay that's true.

In that case, that guy has a lot of people's arch enemies. Killed all of his enemies. Region New York. Organization Superheroes Anonymous. Okay. Life is a real-life superhero community organizer and the founder of Superheroes Anonymous. Hello, my name's Life and I fight crime. Hi, Life.

I am Life, a real-life superhero fighting for justice, peace, and doing my best to fix our world. Can you be more specific? I do what I can in both my personal and superhero personas.

For example, right now I'm trying to fix my marriage. I'll keep working to fight what I consider wrong in this world and change it. While cloaked in an iconic uniform of the superhero I strive to be. So speaking of super... What? The iconic uniform? Yeah. Of his own made of super...

Fucking work pants and a jean jacket and the hamburger mask. So speaking of Superheroes Anonymous, they have a much more attractive site. And there's 12 steps of Superhero Anonymous. Can you just take me through the 12 steps of Superheroes Anonymous? Okay, the 12 steps.

I think this is real. I think this is real. It is a nice website. Yeah, it is. The 12 Steps of Superheroes Anonymous. One, we admitted we have power and that it's within our power to do good. Two, came to believe in a greater good that could make the world a better place. to believe in a greater good that could make the world a better place.

Three, make a decision to turn aspects of our lives and our will towards the pursuit of this greater good. Four, made a searching and fearless inventory of any actions within our reach that could help us achieve this greater good.

Five, you can't fucking search and replace Alcoholics Anonymous steps. you can't fucking search and replace Alcoholics Anonymous steps like you can't those are very I guess they can that's my power asshole

admitted to ourselves and to another superhero the exact nature of our plans we made six we became entirely ready to assume a new superhero identity. Seven. We humbly stepped into our new identity. Eight.

We prepared ourselves physically, mentally, and materially to take action. Humbly? You're calling yourselves superheroes? Well, I mean... They have super humility. I guess here is a photo of you giving a man a sandwich, so that is a superpower. Nine, as our superhero self, we took action.

Action! Now as opposed to the real-life trials of superheroism, we refined and improved our superhero self. Eleven, continued our superhero efforts and made our name known 12 having had an inner awakening as the result of our actions wow continued to carry the it's literally like i don't want to stress this is literally copy pasted from the aa steps that's why it sounds like this it's because they did search and replace and don't know what a is maybe they're like alcoholics anonymous superheroes are

anonymous I mean yeah oh there's a music note button in the corner of this website yeah what does that do it It turns on NPR News. Yeah, no, you get all things considered. That's my favorite tune. The jamming tunes of Terry Gross. Maybe it was originally like the rocking soundtrack but Dr. Brainylo

hacked their website and replaced it with NPR. An old person has slipped and fallen at Lake Wobegon. We've got to hurry! Yeah, they think it's they thought it was a police blotter and then somebody changes on them. Somebody's considering all things. Sorry. Who's Portek?

Portek's isn't here. Oh, well, who is here then? It is I! Angle Grinder Man! Uh, right? Always grinding an angle. I, Angle Grinder Man. Alright. Always grinding an angle. Always grinding an angle I am. I am a social

activist. You got an angle to grind. I'm a social activist. And my activity level is active. Possibly retired. But active. My identity is secret. My arch enemy is none. My identity is secret! My arch-enemy is none! My region

is England! I say that to all the girls. And my organization is none. Not very organized. Engel Grinderman patrols the night looking for unhappy drivers who have been clamped and then sets their cars free! Oh, I love a man

with a gimmick! and then sets their cars free. Oh, I love a man with a gimmick. So, wait a minute. Go into the woods with the rest of your kind. You're actually the plot of a Simpsons episode. Yes. Me and Senior Ding Dong spar every once in a look.

An odd job man by day. He operates in Kent during the week and in London on weekends. He decided to go full-time vigilante in May this year. Full-time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Full-time vigilante. Had nothing to do with him being laid off.

Yeah, there's not enough margin in driving Uber. I'm super off. Yeah, there's not enough margin in driving Uber. I'm super confused. Like, what's the ROI on cutting boots off of cars? Well, if you steal the angle grinder, it's pretty good. I guess it's all profit from there. Yeah. Don't cut me off of cars.

My obsession with wheel clamping is actually a rebellion against a much deeper malaise, he said in his own bio. Yep. Namely, the arrogant contempt that politicians hold for the people who put them into power and whom they claim to

represent. No close quotes. So that just goes on forever. Right. But when people get booted, it's because they had a parking violation. No, it doesn't just happen because of government. Why should the car suffer for that? Cars don't park illegally.

People park illegally. There are no bad cars, just bad owners. If we outlaw parking illegally, only outlaws will park illegally. On the wheels of a Honda, drive away. Oh, my God. Hey, dummies. Hey, what's up? Hey. Hey, what's up Hey what's up this is uh A superhero

Okay what's your superhero name superhero Superhero Right no I understand what's your superhero name though Yeah it's superhero Your superhero name is superhero Yep So we have life and we have superhero. Is there a guy named Real on this website?

Like a tree of? Oh my god. Yeah, this is superhero. Really into crime fighting slash public service. Here's a picture of me with my bitchin' Corvette. It's a nice Corvette. I like it. I like it. This may come to

some surprise to you, but I'm currently active in Florida. Okay. All right. You are a Florida man. Correct me. It's not listed as arch enemy, though. I would have been Florida man, but I was already taken. So superhero.

Oh, I should say my organization affiliations are with the Heroes Network and the Justice Corps. And Superhero has various training under his belt, from the U.S. Navy to being a police academy graduate, to being a boxer and wrestler. Superhero is a real-life superhero, independently sanctioned by the Clearwater Police Department. Independently sanctioned? Yeah. What does that mean I uh it's like I showed up one day to register my uh

my uh corvette bicycle yeah that's definitely not yeah that's not his corvette they gave me a certificate uh yeah so I anyway uh superhero does missions to help them out uh roadside assistance for people uh and in addition to the many charity missions he's done before he has rescued Superhero does missions to help them out. Roadside assistance for people.

And in addition to the many charity missions he's done before, he has rescued lives of people who were in car accidents. Yes, ma'am. I know you called OnStar, but instead you got Superhero. Aren't you lucky? So he had a YouTube link, and I clicked on it, and it just says, this channel does not exist. I think we're being hoodwinked here.

In his picture, is he holding a gun or a nunchucks? It's both. It's a gun that turns into nunchucks. That's what Han told me all about them. They're completely real, and they totally work. They're gunchucks. Yeah, gunchucks, see? See, good. You've already become a much better superhero. Mr. John Toast,

I'm looking for another superhero from Florida. Can you tell me about Master Legend? I can tell you all about Master Legend. Wonderful. I am a crime fighting public service superhero. I am active. My identity is secret. I have no arch enemies. I am active. My identity is secret.

I have no arch enemies. I am from Florida. And I am part of the Justice Force. Master Legend patrols the streets of Florida, fighting crime, passing tips to the police, and helping underprivileged people and turtles in his community. Turtles can fight crime just well on their own. We know this for a fact.

This has been documented. Hey, fuck you, bitch! I got it covered! Give me lettuce! I was thinking of the Ninja Turtles, but I like your interpretation. No, actual turtles. Yeah, it's like a literal turtle.

I am a real-life superhero born with powers of the veil and voodoo teachings. Wait, you were born with the voodoo teachings? Yes. Okay. A pin was stuck in me as a child, and I awakened to my abilities. Yeah, no, I've heard.

I have studied psychology all my life. Okay. One of those. And used my abilities to defend the helpless and help the desperate as a specially trained fighter in many forms that I developed my own. Oh, wow. I want to see all of these forms. Do you have a dojo? Can I watch it?

The dojo of the mind. It is the secret of the diamond spirit. It is my duty and my life here's my myspace i also have a hotmail well yeah any any good superhero would i'll say this uh of uh all the ones so far the the picture i think i'd like to party with Master Legend more than the rest of these tiresome goofs. You are right. I don't think that guy's a drinker, though.

I think I'd like to party with Super Barrio the most. Oh, totally. Look at that dude. I think he has two American flags strapped to his sides. Yeah, one on each hip. Yeah, one on each hip. Hello, ladies. Hello, lady and

gentlemen of the F Plus podcast. Oh, gosh. We're back to the Crypt Keeper. My name is Dr. Discord, and doctor is spelled with a K, but discord is spelled with a C. Oh, so you're the guy who started the service

we're using right now to record this. Indeed. I have steampunk goggles, but they're the guy who started the service we're using right now to record this Indeed, I have steampunk goggles, but they're also 3D glasses Holy shit, he can see in 3D, look out everybody My cane is a beautiful lady, I think I think it's a sphinx Oh yes, okay Anyway, I'm in the category of crime fighting. My identity is a secret, of course, and my region is Indianapolis, Indiana.

The lawless wasteland of Indianapolis, Indiana. What organization do you belong to? Oh, my organization. I'm so glad you asked. My organization is the Justice Society of Justice. Here's the motto. It's the Justice Society of Justice, offering twice the justice as the leading competitors.

Okay, I like that. I like that, actually. Good job. Listen, you need to understand how libertarian I am. We don't care about victimless crime like drug use or people buying prostitutes. The kind of crime we're talking about is the kind that makes little old ladies afraid to leave their houses. Visit my MySpace page, Dr. Discord. But I'm afraid of all the prostitutes out there. Someone please save me.

This is so, it's so confusing too, because like, they're all MySpace links, but of course MySpace like, rebranded as like, trying to be Bandcamp. So it's like, here's all the songs that Dr. just, oh wait, no, I got nothing for you. There's nothing here. Oh, that's all the songs that Dr. Discord. Oh, wait, no, I got nothing for you. There's nothing here. Oh, that's why it looks like that.

Okay. Right. Yeah, because it wants to give you music, but instead it's just pictures of Dr. Discord. I mean, what else do you need, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll never know who Dr. Discord's top eight were. who Dr. Discord's top eight were. Maybe the last one here in this category

right here is Tothian. Tothian. Tothian? Maybe. Okay. So, John Toth, tell me about Tothian? Hello. Hello.

I am Tothian. Ooh. I am a knight errant. Yeah, strap in, folks. My activity level is active. My identity is a secret. And my arch enemies are Omar al-Bashir and Osama bin Laden. Whoa, damn!

Congratulations, buddy! So I got at least one down. I operate on the east coast of the USA and my organizations are unknown. Dear. Great. Tothian patrols New Jersey and New York City on the lookout for danger,

seeking to ensure the safety and protection of others. He's also known to team up with real-life superheroes in a number of states. I've always known that my mission in life Wow, that's great. seeking to protect the innocent and defenseless from harm and fight evildoers. Because my name is Tothian, and I destroy evil. Wow, that's great. Well, so I'm excited, I'm interested, I'm into it. I'm going to go to Tothian.com and hopefully learn more about you. So Tothian, do you have any more information you want to share about yourself? I do, but I want to end with my catchphrase before I move on. Yes, of course.

Of course. Fear nothing, because Tothian's got your back. I fear Tothian having my back more than anything else, frankly. Hello, and welcome to my website. My name is Tothian, and I destroy evil. Yay! Good for you. My name is Tothian, and I destroy evil.

Yay! Good for you. I'm a warrior, marine veteran, president and founder of the Heroes Network, deplorable, republican strategist, real-life superhero. Yay! Yay! I bet there's so many, like, liberal, hippy-dippy, like, artist types that would so want to draw your comic for you for free for the exposure, of course. types that would so want to draw your comic for you for free for the exposure course.

This website is a place with all kinds of interesting info about me and the real-life superhero groups I created. Also a way to contact me. If anyone needs to contact me, there are links to my social media profiles in the top right side, or click the contact button. There sure are. There sure are. So, John, just

I want you to click the word FAC there, and then clicking the word FAC will make the word F fact invisible, because now it'll be white on white. It's power. Exactly. So I got a couple questions for you. Tothian. Is it Tothian? Tothian?

I'm just going to keep switching it. So, Tothian, what does the name Tothian mean? You know how names like Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man all define a hero? Well, I would rather define the name Tothian rather than it define me. But it's meant to have a medieval warrior or Jedi knight sound or feel to it. Many have told me it sounds like a Greek god. Well, okay. I mean, Superman and Spider-Man, like Spider-Man's name is based on his power.

Tothian is a gibberish word that doesn't mean anything. It kind of works. name is based on his power. Tothian is a gibberish word that doesn't mean anything. It kinda... Kinda works. Hey, uh, to A-Tothian, is it true that you think you're the Archangel Michael? Whoa, that's quite a little... Wow.

I have many reasons... A question that comes up, I assume. I have many reasons to believe that my spirit is him. First, my earliest memory was knowing I was born to fight evil. Right. When the finger of God... The doctor slapped you and then he just yelled out,

Swear to me! Tatian, is it true that on your videos page you have two separate videos of female real-life superheroes kicking you in the balls? I can answer that. I mean, we were talking about me being Michael the... Ow, right in my toe fins! Keep going. Keep going about the Michael thing, though. Sorry to interrupt.

Anyways. I'm firmly devoted to God. As a kid, I always saw my spirit had a sword in his hand, and I was always known as the one always carrying the sword. Whatever. I knew I had to lead something great. When I met Master Legend on MySpace in 2006, oh, hey.

Oh, dear. He was inspired. He told me when he found me on there that God told him to be friends with me, that I'm one of the seven archangels, and that I would be one of the best friends he ever had for the rest of his life. When he told me that, I already knew which one. Not a doubt in my mind. Yeah, okay, great. I like that these two guys could find each other. Yeah, it is.

He just stumbles up like all crazy. It's like, you're one of the seven archangels. And Topian's like, oh yeah, Michael, you knew? Wow. Bible kin gotta stick together, you guys. I don't need the full response to this question, but I want to hear a little

bit of it. I've heard rumors from many people that you've considered running for president of the United States someday. Is that true? Let me use my. Yeah. Is that true? Is it true? Powers. President of the United States.

Is that true? Well, I just remembered just remembered yeah i've considered it for years i don't currently think i ever will because if you think donald trump had a rough time in the election multiply that x 100 right yep okay i could handle it but it would be a huge distraction for me and for america oh you're too good for president i gotcha plus i feel as though the office of president of the United States has certain obligations and duties that may limit me from having the personal independence to be able to effectively save the world in the type of ways I may feel I need to.

Being king. I need to. Oh, okay. There's a period. I missed it. There's a period. Thank God. Yeah, you're fine now.

Being king would be easier because of the snap of the finger. You get what you want. That's true. And you'd probably get beheaded at the end. Hey, follow-up question. Follow-up question to that. Okay. Do you have a wife or girlfriend?

No. Do you hope to someday? No. What's so funny? Nothing's funny at all. Next question, why not? No. Next question, on your links page, do you have

a link to every possible time you've been mentioned, including on IMDB? I just have one more sentence I would like you to read, Tothian, and that is please read the description of this YouTube video that you posted.

Oh, well. This one says Amazonia kicked me in the balls three times. And you don't have a girlfriend? I don't understand. Both Ian. Can we commission some superhero music over a montage of him getting kicked in the balls? I just feel like that.

Ooh, could it be like Batman the Animated Series? Like Bruce Timm looking at him kicking him in the ass. Some days you just can't get rid of a ball. I also, I also, you have a section in here where you list all of the books

you've been reading. It's fun when people force themselves into a question they can't answer. It's like, books, books. Yeah, Art of War, the Bible, Batman, whatever.

Okay, so we are now going to a different site. Can I just say that one of the real life superheroes in training is listed as his name as That Guy as his superhero name. That Guy. That's his superhero name. That Guy.

Who's that coming up the walk? Who is that masked man? It's That Guy. Who's got two thumbs and likes to fight crime? That Guy. So now it's time for us to go to some forums. We're going to be going to vrlsh

reallifesuperheroes.7forum.biz forward slash a bunch of other things. And yeah, so let's just, you know, this is a community for superheroes, you know, to feel comfortable, to let their hair down and talk to each other about the issues that matter. So, Jimmy Franks, I have a question for you. You betcha. I've found that carrying a rope might be useful in several circumstances that I've gotten into, but those were admittedly weird circumstances, and I should have thought ahead a bit more.

Ben Shuman as a superhero. It's a joke for no one. I don't care. It's all right. It's all right. Maybe I don't have a question for you because I'm just going to prattle on for a bit. But I think you can never underestimate the value of good lighting. However, you want to provide it.

Hell, I'm a real life superhero who wears sunglasses at night and trompses around in the woods and alleys to find homeless folks to help. Lighting becomes very important. Be flame-proof. This must be Larry Kingman. That's my two cents. Be flame-proof. There is

flame-retardant spray, but I don't want to mess up my new leather coat just yet. Also, follow up. Avoid Tothian at all costs. Hey, I can't tell you how manipulative, abusive. Okay. Well, no, I'm not a pretty lady, though. I take what I can get.

A few of you have seen me sweat it out in California. Hope 2011. I'm a Minnesota guy and felt like dying. Thanatos wanted to pour water on my head, even though I was still standing. He's smart and more trained than I know or will tell you. The thing is, I don't know. The thing is, just don't dress in a long, heavy coat to actively patrol Southern California. The next year I went to Hope 2012, I dished the coat.

So, poor Tex, we're going to go to a thread called Wrong Place, Wrong Time. Ooh, that's how I got into this podcast. Exactly. And your name is Condemned. And, yeah, what do you got to share here? Exactly. And your name is Condemned. And, yeah, what do you got to share here? All right, my name is Condemned. I'm wearing a beret and holding a pole cue and a smartphone. Those are my gadgets, I suppose.

I've trained intensely and prepared the best, but... Oh, okay. Start over. I have trained intensely and prepared the best I can, but I seem to have a bad luck streak lately. Oh, no, okay. Start over. I have trained intensely and prepared the best I can, but I seem to have a bad luck streak lately. Oh, no. The end. You have another post. I do. You have another post?

Oh, sorry. Uh, back again. Um, I've stopped a few mugging and always find someone to help or something to do. My problem my last patrol, I caught a baseball bat swing with my arms and ribs. I still protected the women, but the broken bones suck.

I don't know if that's called catching. This is Equal. Hi. A real life superhero that can't take a bat without breaking bones? What is happening with this place? Is an actual, like, packet of Equal as this icon? Is an actual packet of equal as this icon?

Is that your identity? Form of sweetener. Once real life superheroes used to mean something. Now anybody put on a mask can hit the streets. It's crazy. Oh, no. What's next? Jerry Seinfeld and Spandex?

I mean, if you can pay him enough. Topical. And when I'm thinking about it, I haven't seen the Nazi frogman in weeks. Weeks! The world is going crazy around us. It sure is. That was 2014. Yeah, I'm the white power, and I'm the white... That was 2014. Yeah, I'm the

white power, and I'm gonna troll this board for a minute. I once got beaten up for dressing like a Nazi at school, but people don't understand that there are good, not racist Nazis, and bad, racist Nazis. Well, I'm guessed, and I'm going to come in at what looks like the end of a

long conversation about... A productive conversation. I don't think he's claiming to be a Nazi. I think he's got an idea for an ideal, which he is only beginning to experiment with his expression of those feelings, and has a long road ahead of him before signing a suitable manifestation that doesn't sound bonkers insane to normal people. I speak from experience.

And I feel he ignorantly made the mistake of being far, far too open with total strangers about himself. Ha, again, speaking from experience here. Either that, or he's just a role-playing troll. Oh, yeah, maybe, maybe, maybe

the white power is, yes. Mr. White, I ain't calling you the white power, LOL. Sorry. Speaking as the current record holder of being banished from the site, UA is just telling you how it is. He's patient and tries to hear people out, but you're on sketchy ice. Oh, yeah, yeah, that expression. That was the name of my improv troupe back in college.

I mean, if you're drawn with a pencil, that would be kind of a scary thing, I feel. What if someone erases it? Just some constructive criticism. Lose the swastika. Oh, interesting. I mean, that is good advice, actually, in this day and age.

That is good. So if you're a Nazi, then don't be Nazi. You're welcome. At least that one. The swastika is the ancient symbol of peace and harmony long before the Nazis. Oh, yay! This conversation.

No, that was... That's actually a totally different thing. You're wrong. But my superhero power is winning arguments on the internet. Oh, well, congratulations. I think you're doing real well. Damn it, I lost somehow.

How did that happen? Jimmy Franks. I think we need some advice. Do you think you can give us some advice? I'll do my best. Great. So your name is E0N.

You're inactive, but I think you've probably got some helpful advice to give us here. Yeah, yeah. This is Eon. Mm-hmm. Holy shit. I got stabbed. What should I do? Oh dear.

Probably stop posting. I don't think that should be your first impulse. Well, would you like to know my ten basic recommendations? Ah, boy, I don't think all ten. How about we just skip to number four? Yeah, let's skip to number four. That's a great idea. Okay, I'm not dead and

somehow I reach safety. What next? Seek medical attention immediately. Right. Okay, good. Allow me to add, especially because if you have a sucking chest wound, etc., you are going to die if you don't. Yeah, except for here's the thing. If you have a sucking chest wound, et cetera, you are going to die if you don't.

Yeah, except for here's the thing. If you have a sucking chest wound, you probably aren't getting yourself to the hospital. Uh, yes. Oh, I should get this looked at. Number five. All right. I got like three or four errands, and then I'm totally getting this looked at. Number five on my list of top things

to do when you've been stabbed. Ooh, it's like David Letterman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because if my secret identity is revealed, then my loved ones will be placed in danger. Oh, I see. I think your loved ones gave up on you long ago, so

no worries. Right after you get stabbed is not the best time to realize this possibility. To misquote the ultimate inspiration for most real life superheroes, what are you, dense, retarded or something? You're not the goddamn Batman.

Seek medical attention! That seems like quite a pejorative on this forum is to tell somebody that they're not the goddamn Batman. Yeah. And then, John, you got Gage down there. With all due respect, and in full agreement that fleeing is normally the best option if someone pulls a knife or other weapon, my assumption for this threat is that this would happen on patrol, likely in response to intervening in a physical altercation

between two or more people, such as a mugging. Under this assumption, I believe both of us would not flee, leaving the perpetrator free to continue his criminal act. Professor Midnight, good point about the shock factor. I was just selling porn, what are you talking about? It is an excellent protective mechanism. I was just selling porn. What are you talking about? It is an excellent protective mechanism. I would add that it is different for everyone.

It is important that you know how it affects you. Personally, if someone attacks me off patrol, I will defend myself as a first measure if the perp looks like he can outrun me. And they all can. What use is it to tire yourself from running and then have to fight as well once he catches up? It's more tactically sound to just use my on-hand weapons to neutralize the threat.

Even if he has no weapon, he will be getting a fully justifiable drubbing and an all-expenses-paid trip to the county jail for a night of public defecation and sweet, sweet jailhouse lovin'. Yeah, I made that joke too. I'm hilarious. Superheroes love prison rape.

It's like their favorite thing. That's true. I have heard that, yeah. And then, Portax, you're red light? I'm red light. Fighting my nemes I'm red light. Fighting my nemesis green light. I got

stabbed twice in the stomach with a screwdriver when I was in high school. Were you a superhero back then? Yeah. I did not seek medical attention because I was young and rather terrified of my parents finding out.

What did you do, red light? Did you get stabbed in the stomach with a screwdriver attention because I was young and rather terrified of my parents finding out. What did you do, red light? Did you get stabbed in the stomach with a screwdriver again? Yeah. It was Phillip's head, though. This time is better. I told you. No.

No Phillip's head. No flathead. Oh, sorry. Thankfully, the wounds were not very deep. Okay. I flushed them with alcohol, which hurt more than getting stuck in the first place. And I super glued them shut. A floor to suture, right? Great. But I was too chicken to sew them shut. A floor to suture. Great.

But I was too chicken to sew them up. I tossed my clothes in a random dumpster near a major street. That sort of thing isn't too worrisome in Los Angeles. Throwing clothes in dumpsters? I'm guessing if someone found bloodied clothes in a random dumpster in Los Angeles, they'd be like, oh yeah, the screwdriver kid got stabbed again, I guess.

I think it doesn't matter per city. I don't think necessarily a lot of people are looking at the quality of jackets and dumpsters. Jimmy Franks? I think it's time for you to take over the role of tothian i know that you were you were really wanting to to bring some more tothian into this is the reboot like this is they got a new author and a new new artist and stuff make sure you do justice to my inspiring voice

fun new direction so uh so tothian uh what do you have to say here i'm a warrior not a crime fighter oh you fools you simpletons i'm fighting a war on evil the real evil of this world i'm not fighting people who break laws that are written by politicians who were elected with the help of the Illuminati. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yay! My allegiance isn't to the law. My allegiance

is to God. Nice. Real nice. I think it's kind of weird when superheroes try to act like cops. Trying to enforce laws or only attack the branches and twigs of the real problem, rather than at the very root that it grows from. Wow. I think it's weird to believe in the Illuminati, so I guess we all got our own version.

No, that's really interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dig us deeper. Or when they set a specific patrol pattern and tell everyone what that pattern is and judge a superhero's worth by how many hours or days they patrol. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, no, you're super efficient. I like that. Yeah, that's rude. They look at it as being on duty or off duty.

They like to boss people around rather than defend their freedom here's some links to info wars that's out of character oh he's gonna fight those gay frogs My name is Hero Man. Hero Man! Wow! Wow, you got that one. Congratulations.

Oh, Haramin. Hello, Haramin. Life probably hitched a ride on a meteor here. Oh, not the superhero. He means... Scientists conclude life appeared on Earth too quickly, and thus it must have come from somewhere else. Well, now I'm sad. I'm picturing, like, that guy in that costume riding a meteor, like in Doctor Strangelove, and that makes me really happy.

Anyway, sorry, go ahead. The way I see it, there's no conclusive evidence for or against. Even if there is a god, I don't see any reason to concern myself. if there is a god i don't see any reason to concern myself we've never met and it's likely a life form that is so beyond our way of thinking it would be pretty pointless to try and communicate with it wow wow even superheroes have these boring debates that's terrific especially superheroes have these boring debates if everything in the Bible is in fact true, I don't like God that much and don't agree with his ways of getting things

done, but that's just me. The super amazing atheist. And by just me, I mean here's another post. Oh, good! Wait, wait, wait, but before you get to that, Tothian, can you wait. But before you get to that, Tothian, can you just summarize your response to his first post?

Hang on, where is that? It's just one sentence. That's dumb. Tothian! Tothian out. You're reading the superhero forums. That's dumb. If it were the end of the world as we knew it, and I could only bring one book with me,

it would be the Bible. How about that? Now I guess that's counteracting your point. It's by far the world's coolest book. It has every genre in it, and has beautiful poetry, amazing life lessons, and riveting storytelling in some places, and it is

really, really long, and so I should never be bored. Oh, man, this is great. And thus Amish Island was born. This is great. Fucking Alex Jones enthusiast and a randroid in a full-on debate. This is great Fucking Alex Jones enthusiast And a randroid in a full on debate This is wonderful

The bible is a symbolic representation To me of the dawn of the age of reason I may not believe it But I very much so value it Fortunately Fortunately I have enough room In my bug out bag for two books Hey wait a minute

That's not how you play this game! You don't know what power gaming is for people who love superheroes. Well, I have a force field that eats your other book. Now, if I was trapped in a desert island, I'd get off the fucking desert island. I'll bring my Book of Mormon. Because it has the traditional Bible testaments as well as new and really weird, if you've ever studied it thoroughly, reading material. And the other book I'll bring is the Ultimate U.S. Army Survival Guide, about 1,000 pages long. Why wasn't the superhero named Mormon?

Well, I'm bringing the Encyclopedia Britannica! It's not Mormon because he doesn't believe in God or Mormonism. He just wants to bring the book anyway. Yeah, so cool. So he has all the powers of a Mormon. Together I should be just about set for reading materials. Ha ha! Ha ha!

XT! Um, uh, Portex? Yep. It's time for you to be Tothian now oh good I'm the cinematic universe Tothian yeah Tothian gets around we all get a turn at kicking these balls

this is really good too because like the symbol on the front of his superhero his superhero emblem thing looks a whole lot like the thing that I had on the front of my marching band uniform when I was in high school. Yeah, I was trying to figure out what that was. It strikes fear into the hearts

of your enemies right before halftime. It's a T and O and an H together. So from the doc, please, from the doc. And Tothian, what are the four aspects of fighting evil? The four aspects of fighting evil.

Yeah. I've spoken about this before, and I will again. Okay. Yeah. No one's trying to stop you. I bet a lot of people are trying to stop me. I mean, this is literally a forum he made for himself, so someone probably tried to stop him at some point, this is literally a forum he made for himself, so someone probably tried

to stop him at some point. Good point. Good point. We're on forummotion.com. It's like blogger, but worse? From my studies and experiences, I've theorized that there are four aspects of fighting evil.

And there are even other ways to interpret this in your own ways. But here are some of my ways on viewing it, and I will share them with you. Those ways? I'm going to share the ways of the four ways, unless you interpret them other ways. Yeah, I'm going to use ways to find the

ways. Each of those four represent common tactics you will see with the police. I guess the band? Because it's capitalized?