The F Plus - 274: The Computer Wrote These

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

In a complete departure from our usual approach, we spend this episode composing and reading text using Botnik's predictive text generators: the system used to write Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash. We give that a once over, and then play around with our own, including a Nicki Minaj song, Seinfeld beat poetry, and some crossover fic. This episode is a bit o' knickers.

Say what? You. Moved really fast, I saw you screaming at the top floor. Big window crash, I'm deaf. So would you have me? Hi there. My name is Lemon, and this episode of the F+, is a departure from what we've ever done before. Recently, there was some attention paid to Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash.

This was a lost chapter in the Harry Potter series that was very, very weird. However, it wasn't written by J.K. Rowling, or any human for that matter. It was generated by Botnik Studios, a community of tech enthusiasts who create predictive text keyboards. To describe it briefly, you feed the machine a corpus of text, the machine generates predictive text keyboards, similar to what you'd have on your phone. You can then use that keyboard to write new text in that style. They gave the machine the Harry Potter books, and Harry Potter and the portrait of what looked like a large pile of ash came out the other end.

We liked the results a lot, and we wanted to try our hands at reading this short chapter, but also Adam Bozarth, Jimmy Franks, Kumquat Zop, Boots, and myself thought it would be worth exploring if we could write something better. The recording that follows is the result of that exploration. Enjoy! Chapter 13 The Handsome One The castle grounds snarled with a wave of magically magnified wind. The sky outside was a great black ceiling which was full of blood. The only sounds drifting from Hagrid's hut were the disdainful shrieks of his own furniture.

Magic. It was something that Harry Potter thought was very good. magic. It was something that Harry Potter thought was very good. Leathery sheets of rain lashed at Harry's ghost as he walked across the grounds toward the castle. Ron was standing there and doing a kind of frenzied tap dance. He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione's family. Ron's Ron shirt was just as bad as Ron himself. If you two can't clump happily, I'm going to get aggressive, confessed the reasonable Hermione.

What about Ron magic, offered Ron. Enough, Ron! To Harry, Ron was a loud, slow, and soft bird. Harry did not like to think about birds. Death eaters are on top of the castle, Ron bleated, quivering. Ron was going to be spiders. He just was.

He wasn't proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not have spiders all over his body after all is said and done. Look, said Hermione, obviously there are loads of death Eaters in the castle. Let's listen in on their meetings. The three complete friends

zapped onto the landing outside the door to the castle roof. They almost legged it, but witches are not climbing. Ron looked at the doorknob and then looked at Hermione with searing pain. I think it's closed, he noticed. Locked, said Mr. Staircase, the shabby-robed ghost.

Is that a real Harry Potter character? Yeah, Mr. Staircase. I think that's the extended universe. They looked at the door, screaming about how closed it was, and asking it to be replaced with a small orb. The password was Beef Women, Hermione cried. Harry, Ron, and Hermione quietly stood behind a circle of Death Eaters who looked bad.

I think it's okay if you like me, said one Death Eater. Thank you very much, replied the other. The first Death Eater confidently leaned forward to plant a kiss on his cheek. Oh, well done, said the second as his friend stepped back again. All the other Death Eaters clapped politely.

Then they all took a few minutes to go over the plan to get rid of Harry's magic. Harry could tell that Voldemort was standing right behind him. He felt a great overreaction. Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment. Voldemort, you're a very bad and mean wizard, Harry savagely said. That's true.

That's true. He's right in saying that. Hermione nodded encouragingly. The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that said Hermione has forgotten how to dance. So Hermione dipped his face in mud. Ron threw a wand at Voldemort and everyone applauded.

Ron reached for his wand slowly. Ron's the handsome one, muttered Harry as he reluctantly reached for his. They cast a spell or two and jets of green light shot out of the Death Eater's heads. Ron flinched. Not so handsome now, thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce. The Death Eaters were dead now, and Harry was hungrier than he had ever been. Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. The great hall was filled with incredible moaning chandeliers

and a large librarian who had decorated the sinks with book about masonry. Mountains of mice exploded. Several long pumpkins fell out of McGonagall. Dumbledore's hair scooted next to Hermione as Dumbledore arrived at school. The pig of Hufflepuff pulsed like a large bullfrog. Dumbledore smiled at it and placed his hand on its head. You are Hagrid now. We're the only people who

matter. He's never going to get rid of us. Harry, Hermione, and Rod said in chorus. The floor of the castle seemed like a large pile of magic. The Dursleys had never been to the castle and they were not about to come there in Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked looked like a large pile of ash.

Harry looked around and then fell down the spiral staircase for the rest of the summer. I'm Harry Potter! Harry began yelling, The Dark Arts better be worried! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

So, yeah, so that was Chapter 13 in Harry Potter and the portrait of what looked like a large pile of ash. It's uncanny how the computer predicted Harry Potter's catchphrase. The dark arts better be worried. Oh, boy. And I know that that made the rounds on the Internet. And I do that that made the rounds on the internet, and I do like it, but I feel like we, as the F+, can improve upon that thing. So if you go to botnik.org slash apps, there's a whole bunch of predictive writing keyboards that you can use. writing keyboards um that you can use um and we've created um some uh markov chains um based on these things so so who is uh the biggest nikki minaj fan in the room

oh it's me obviously i am okay oh god yes okay yeah so Yeah. So boots. I used the Nicki Minaj. And again, here's the thing. We have to. What we're trying to do is we're trying to create a piece of literature that's better than Harry Potter and the portrait of what looked like a large pile of ash. Okay. So that's our goal. That's what we're trying to go for. Okay?

Okay. So, Boots, I went into the Nicki Minaj keyboard, and I created a Nicki Minaj song using predictive text called Spunk Pocket. This is a Nicki Minaj song called Spunk Pocket. Oh, it's my favorite Nicki Minaj song now. Well, yeah, it will be. It's about to be. So if you'll take – it's short, nikki minaj song now so well yeah it will be it's about to be so so if you'll take uh it's it's short but if you'll take this nikki minaj song please okay uh somebody give me a beat no wait don't give me a beat too late

um yeah my nikki minaj impression is amazing. Yeah, no, no. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah. Sauce reach Friday. It's funny. You got spunk in my pocket so impatient. My pussy game is still early. Bitch thinking. You got cocks to suck.

Cowboy like that. She didn't say cowboy, but I just took some liberty. Motherfuckers can't check those broke bitches. And I'm emotional. You ate bottoms bottoms. Certified stripper call me Nicki Minaj and then lift my ass upon that cowboy Valentino. I really can't wait until whoever edits this has to put in a backbeat in that and try to make some sort of fucking sense out of it. I'm emotional.

You ain't bottoms bottoms. All right. Okay. Okay. You know, Adam, I've always felt that you have sort of a – I've always felt that you had a sort of Tom White's sort of vibe to you. And why is that? Well, it's... Is it because I dress like a shabby alcoholic?

Yeah, exactly. Because you dress and talk like a hobo. And all of those movies that you've been in that I haven't seen. So this is a Tom White song called Piano Crossroads. It was made through the Tom Waits. It's a great song. It's a great song.

It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song.

It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song.

It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song.

It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song.

It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's a great song. Putting the cold lonely crossroads on fire. The piano has been stepping on me tonight. Oh baby, I got married. I know what becomes of me with the radio full. Comes of me with the radio full and the piano tone and the moon is shining like rain. On the lawn with your baby on fire and my doctor says I don't. Doctor says, I don't, so you gotta hold on to Jesus Creek. And it's bad as me, she said. And I don't cold ground in a boxcar.

I don't cold ground in love. I don't cold lonely chicken on fire. Because who are you? Oh, my God. Wow. Is that Pete? Wow. That's good. That's like Kenny. are you? Oh my god! Wow! That peak? Wow! That was uncanny. I will never cold lonely chicken

after hearing that. Oh my god. Holy shit. Okay. Well, this is, uh, man. This is... I think we're definitely improving on this story. The next section is called Seinfeld.

We're going to get to something that's called The Door in a moment. I'm not really sure what The Door is. But before we get to that, this is called a Seinfeld poem. This is based on the Seinfeld Markov generator generated by Adam Bozarth. Kumquats up.

Will you take a Seinfeld poem, please? I love Seinfeld poem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jerry. old poem. Yeah, yeah. Jerry! George, no! Elaine, I know. Kramer enters dancing with me.

Elaine, Jerry! George, what are you doing? Jerry, what happened you doing? Jerry? What happened? Elaine, why? Elaine? Kramer, no!

Oh my god! Don't you know what I mean? Wanda Pepper! Writing, Jerry! Whistle the difference! 3718! Writing Jerry. Whistle the difference. Three, seven, one, eight. Jerry. George.

Elaine. Kramer. Wow. I had no idea how much, how much Seinfeld scripts look like Sylvia Plath poems. idea how much how much seinfeld scripts look like sylvia plath poems that's a that's a transcript of my aunt watching tv in the 90s um so uh adam uh you generated uh this this thing from uh seinfeld called the door can you describe it for me for a second like well because i noticed there's a lot of harry potter things yeah it started off as a harry potter thing okay and

then i was like i i saw the jerry's i saw the seinfeld thing and i was like you know what i'm just gonna put this together okay and that's it so so you're originally using the harry potter keyboard and then you just moved over to the Seinfeld keyboard? Yeah, I started splicing them together. Okay, okay, great. I'm going to take this one if I may. Okay. The door behind Harry on the back door of the hall and up the stairs toward the front doors of Harry's door behind her.

To the door of Harry's door. Hermione looked up to see Asiatic sentience gravely pointing to the door behind her. Harry looked up eagerly, listening to see what was

going to happen. Harry, my boy, we need your inner magical education, Hermione said in a croaky voice, echoing loudly over her. Harry asked Hermione skeptically, Don't goblin with me tonight. Goblins all around were watching from the other side of the door. Was toothless grin Harry and Ron had both grabbed Hermione? Harry could tell from behind him and turned his eyes again with her own fat bullfrog of the castle.

Harry asked Hermione anxiously as though she was still white. You know what I mean? It's all right. We're a good time. I do that too much urinary freedom in this society. Jerry, I don't apartment. Kramer enters. Yeah.

All right. Oh, my God. Kramer enters wearing a sheet of the Aryan Union. You know what I think? He doesn't like me. I don't know if I did it right, but... Perfect. That's the crossover that the world didn't know it needed. We've got one more.

I don't think we've quite beaten Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash just yet. We've got one more in the Seinfeld category. I'm hoping it might bring us over the top. This one's called Waiting for Elaine. This was generated by Jimmy Franks and inspired by Samuel Beckett. Yeah, it's just nice. Kind of a nice Brechtian piece. Probably good to be performed at a black box theater or, you know, for your upcoming Fringe Festival.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The scene opens on Jerry's apartment, daytime. George walks in. Why didn't I park in the middle of the Aryan Union here for the rest of my life? The car is gone. You know, I hate to raise a crass financial concern, but I think we lost Elaine.

Jerry notices George's hand. George, what happened to your Christmas present? I just don't get off to the reggae lounge for the rest of my friends. First of all, you know what I think about your problem with these sunglasses, Jerry? I can't do anything about the clanking noise. It's trying to warn you about something. There, you threw it out. It's trying to call everybody on the phone.

George, what a bald paradise you got there. Jerry, you got ten minutes? The first time we could get together for some tang, you just don't take it. Why don't I just take all your receipts and put them in your office, Jerry? George, I just thought

maybe we could have a good time as soon as I get my apartment where it could be fine. Jerry tries to pull the couch into the bathroom. First of all, first of all, you don't just take the first thing somebody wants to where you think it's not going to commit suicide, Jerry. You can't mean to hurt this thing because of my condition. George, please don't take your mother to the Knicks. It's what I need to feel good. Why don't you just put some

sort of lunatic with a beard on his mother? The woman has taken every fiber of my God. Kramer, you're going through the ordeal of my life. I can't make sure you hang out from the bathroom again. First, we ride the cyclone.

No way I'm going to do that. Why not? The hospital just got plenty of my money. $19.45 for the truth! Jerry, what are you doing here? Now I know what you said.

You're a good driver. Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one? Jerry tries on the headphones. Convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me. Kramer charges on the couch and crumples, looking uncomfortable. Elaine enters dancing. It's Elaine!

What are you doing here? It's Elaine! What are you doing here? Created by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. Holy shit. Okay. No, we did it. We did it.

That is objectively, that's better than Harry Potter and the Portrait of what looked like a large pile of ash. Just, uh, none of the... Steve Bannon is not going to get any money from any of this, right? Okay, this next one is called One More Clamoring for His Attention. It was generated by me using the West Wing keyboards. So this is a West Wing keyboards. So this is a West Wing script. Alright, so Interior Office, where Josh walks to camera.

This guy is your own business pragmatist who has created the job of Deputy Chief of Staff. What do you mean? He actually, Mr. Sensible brought a little pissed editorial to the Senate. The sexier economic policy for American innovation in Wisconsin is to stand in front of the bullet of a gun and get wet over themselves. I don't care about what you care about. So I go to this meeting. What are you doing here to recommend that you threaten to veto any repeal of the estate tax? Toby, I am not going

to be a lot of help as far as your own party, but I think it was nice of you people to topple the president in his office. I care about the minimum wage. I care about abortion. I care about the working people. I care about America. But that's not going to be something the American president of America will sign in America. This is boring to me.

Donna? Donna? Donna? Donna? Donna? Donna? Donna? Donna? Donna? Help Donna help Donna help Donna? Donna? Hello, Josh. Donna, this is serious, Donna. We can't know. Loving you is so hard, Josh. So hard. But the Senate vote is going to vote for the presidential election vote!

President Bartlett! I am here as well. I guess they've reached the end of the hallway at this point. That's a Sorkin. That's 100% Sorkin. So, Boots Reingear, you've generated a romance novel snippet, haven't you? I have, yes.

Okay. Would you tell us about that? Sure. It doesn't actually have a title. Okay. Wait, Hacks, hold on. Hold on. Let me get a title.

Okay. Great. No problem. The title is called The Room Carrying an Undertone. Well, I'm going to use... Of Parchment. The Room Carrying an undertone of parchment. I'm actually going to use the savage love question generator. And your title is I have a problem and it was a road I did not want. That's the alternate curvevonica title.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so the room carrying an undertone of parchment. With every luxurious lacy underwear Monday, her tongue plunged deep within his fingers, tweaking closer and over the sensitive nub of her inner inevitable burning inch of sewage. Yeah. Yeah. He hadn't the time for coy lower lip bites. Material chair god, he said, unzipping at last.

Riley felt parties for the first time in his raw red panties. His teeth flashed back to the present. I want our apartment to see Natalie just trying to blend in her veins. red panties. His teeth flash back to the present. I want our apartment to see Natalie just trying to blend in her veins. Now if she could, Darcy hated that first big piece underneath her hips playing

wham bam thank you Samantha. Nine years later Chief tried parties. His shoulders placed in intent to grab protection, leaving a desperate, tangled folding chair where she was. The staccato candles sneakily sounded like smooth country dollars, though I've bit at her breast with indignation. Chuckled built up a couple of proud cra-

What happened? What did Chuckled do up a couple of proud crap. What happened? What did Chuckled do? Shit. Chuckled built up a couple of proud crap shapes. I could easily spend days with his exotic other hand cupped around her neck in a possessive hurt motion. What's choking called again? It's that possessive hurt motion around her neck in a possessive hurt motion. What's choking called again? It's that possessive hurt motion around my neck?

Your Honor, motion possessive hurt, please. Accommodate her clit with every dark pore, she whispered. Darcy imagined my wife waiting to do anything but her husband and pulled on my fingers with indignation. Yeah. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay, so we're beating Botnik

at Botnik's own game. So that means that it is time for us to read some Harry Potter. Ah, finally. Right. So we've got a couple of Markov-generated Harry Potter stories. We're going to start off. And Adam, I'm going to ask you a question here.

Why is this Harry Potter story called 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 0? 9, 8, 1. Oh, it's a palindrome. Oh. zero nine eight oh it's a palindrome oh so if you go to botnik and you play with these things you'll see that you can type in the numbers and that's like how you create your strings of you know uh content so i just went through and just went one two three four five six seven and up and down and basically just created a story that way and then i also went i also did a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. Fantastic. Okay, great. So, Adam, if you'll just take the story, called 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9

0-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. You know, you think I know you all this way? Did he get back through and through any more school when we arrived to see dumbledore wouldn't add it doesn't a few years ago here you don't non-stop harry could think he think he did he was going back on my whistle way said ron as he watched from her eyes over bright voice echoing across floor mused open with his

trunk and pulled on the spot on a broad over him with enormous room and focusing still more broadly what happened Hermione had said good mood said Snape curtly dead spider a little closer

you I think we you don't know that i am you don't that i was morphing us to you don't that was what is that you sort it was said the room of said ron as the three, said Hermione sharply, but Harry was, said Ron as she was watched the teachers not to, and Hermione, said Ron as she watched from her eyes, over bright voice echoing across floor,

mused, opened his trunk, and pulled him away, and Harry and Voldemort, as it did when at her indignation, once that he had not heard the roar and undertone, and his hair

tied, a history them out sadly returned. I think J.K. Rowling had an embolism in the middle of that story. Somebody should check on her. That is a problem. So the next story, also created by Adam Bozarth,

and this one's called Crazy Eights. Did you just hit the eight suggestion every time? Crazy Eights is more, it's based on the improv warm-up Crazy Eights where you shake each of your limbs eight times and then seven times. So you go one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Great.

And then you do that to seven, to six, to five, to four, to three, to two, to one. Okay, great. And then it's the same principle. Yeah, just random. Fantastic. Fantastic. Okay, so, Gumquat, stop. That's yours.

Yes, this is Harry Potter and the Crazy Eights. You know what I mean. Be all right then. Here in the end of last year was that you are the deathly going to do once I have been able. last year was that you are the deathly going to do once I have been able. Might I ask me, what are you two will do all this about that at Hogwarts for heaven's eye? To do what you want me, like the rest of them? New clean sweep already going with?

Know that your mum and I will have been me to tell me why can't and I can't mean he is with me. We can only if I was the last couple not going back up with me and he wants to kill the ministry when I've... He is to get through one last, said Ron as she watched from her eyes on the bottom with an attempt of sight again to make a moment on a broad store. Hermione and Fleur, with Ron, asked Harry angrily to Harry

through it looked as if she was sitting next to Harry, that the only way forward as she had heard him speak to Harry over at the Ravenclaw end, through Harry was careful eye, and Harry was astonished to the ground. To him, and handing one hand, and an elderly that the rest put on his feet again

to look at Harry for a split the door behind her had to be seen in his hand and a copy of Transfiguration today. See the place where he had left the box just as he had? You don't. Was trying these foreign Voldemort get into trouble with him in a muggle? Repelling charms?

Have you had an easier looks to get to grips? Otherwise, parents dead. It's and he won't. What you mean? He. Ca. Hogwarts. For it would be a good chance to do anything yet. And the dark side heard noises. Me, the lack fault

here. A moment. The department, your father, and you think you're, they were married. Me like the rest. It to him, because I thought we were just floating secrets. Has the only people who matter to me as you can come on now you don't. Me,

what a hatchet chance to find a big enough for you in the entrance hall to get organized, mind you return, said Hermione sharply. He did, they walked down a couple of them in front. Passenger an hour, and Harry knew what looked back on the fire, so he went out the marauders. His face into her shoulder, as he did look up and down on his feet, once the door behind the headmaster's to see what had never had never seen her eyes.

Popping! Turning to face Dumbledore, said Hermione. In surprise, said Hagrid heavily as they set her back, and Harry was sure it had done in his hands, in his hand, into the entrance, entrance to his desk and staring up at james with every word he had been looking forward and grasp shoulder to shoulder to check that they were so next story is also generated by adobe earthth and is called Harry Potter and his stupid wand. Harry could tell that from behind him at the end of his wand, but he didn't. Harry looked back at the snake, looked down at his own stupidly wobbled widening plank.

Heartily, Harry felt himself rising now that he was awake. Skeeter said, Harry Potter must not be seen during my inspections. Harry Potter must get down so I can assist fertilizing shrubs. The room was deserted, but Harry continued to flutter. Then, Harry felt slightly earthier. You know what I think you ought to know? Said Harry as he leapt out from his body and mutilated.

What? Said Harry as his heart leapt out from his body and mutilated, spluttering. Harry ejaculated. Ejaculated? I did not write it. Why is ejaculated in there? Harry Potter is dead.

I must warn you. I think I will kill you. Said Snape softly but then he realized that he had remorselessly deflated a large teenage boy. You know what? I'm practicing, said Snape. Excellent Alan Rickman, by the way.

I just feel like credit is due. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. And the very last story, the very last story here is generated by Kumquats Up using several of these Harry Potter keyboards. And this one is called Harry Potter and the Door of the Three Broomsticks. Doors come up a lot in Harry Potter stories, it seems. I was going to say, I've never read any of these books, but it seems like everybody's going through a door or something. Jimmy Franks? Jimmy Franks, what part of the

story are we reading here? Oh, uh, what, chapter 30? Parchment Breath. Parchment also comes with one, too. In the middle of a large plate, Ron clicked his hands

together. Harry awoke with a small pop. He knew that he was not particularly keen to discuss his theory of what appeared to be a very ugly bag of cat food and wine. There was a small pile of Christmas presents stubbornly blushing in the doorway. Angrily sucking on the back of a chair, Ron protested, The sweet rolls of magical power were supposed to possess you. Eventually, he relaxed his own grapefruit.

In a hushed voice patting his mother, he exploded, It's a bit of knickers! Big knickers! Hermione looked at him for a few seconds. She said briskly to his knees, That's all straight stupid, Harry Potter! All of these just classic Harry Potter catchphrases

are just taking me back. Damn, Harry, that shit's straight stupid. The door of the three broomsticks only just had appeared. The moment it opened, Snape silkily reached out and took their arms in his hands agitatedly. Harry, my boy, we can't Gryffindor in the hospital, he whispered. It's the department of my saucer. I'm so sorry, I thought you'd blame Harry Potter, Harry said. The door, of course, was trying to get him all three broomsticks, of course.

Of course. Hermione was standing in midair over four sturdy roses. She turned right and broke into a very excitable diggle. The whole place was still shaking. Goblin's never been able to cope, she squealed in exasperation. Together, without realizing what they were doing, Harry and Ron both grabbed Harry's pocket. Slowly, tremulously, they rose in their chairs while the librarian said, Fred, in a low voice from behind them.

I guess, Fred. Fredwater? Fred, in a low voice from behind them. I guess it was Fred. Fredwater? Fred, in a low voice from behind them. They hurried back toward Harry's glasses. Soaring through gritted teeth's smile, Ron protested, Ron and me expelled Petronum and 400,000 wizards. Can you hear me?

Can you hear me? Petronus, can you hear me? Hang on. Earth wants to talk to you, Hermione screamed. She turned around to stare at Ron. After a considerable stretch of silence, Harry yelled, Uncle Mittens! His eyes twinkled. He looked around at them and looked at them. They all seemed completely nonplussed. Hermione was already wearing her face, but before she could stop him, Harry shouted over and over, I can't! I can't! I can't! still staring transfixed as Harry slammed through his omnioculars.

He was going to be a great black cylinder. The door of the brain room behind them announced brightly, The Dark Lord's heard of such power, but it's like a pig. Six months of effort, and you never even know where it is. Harry knew that Griphook would think poorly of having to sleep on the sofa. His wand raised, eyebrows raised, and wrought in the darkness, Harry could only assume that his massive purple face was hidden beneath their cloaks. I assume as well. I assume that as well.

Impatiently. Given a heart attack? Impatiently, a low voice from behind them called to Harry. Who's a good lad? Grinning eagerly, Malfoy was up to his eyes with a tart and biscuit tin. He was wearing a long black traveling cloak and a pair of opera glasses

with a large black camera that Harry actually glanced at. There was a loud bang and a flash of red light, and Harry knew that only way he was going to be able to see the place where the dragons were was to talk about Cedric Diggory. That makes sense, yeah, of course.

Cedric and I took this wand from the Ministry of Magical Accidents. How come Snape's cottage was the one who wanted to know why you are here in a jiffy? Harry felt strangely high. I don't go to Hogwarts. Malfoy yawned ostentatiously.

Are you talking to me as though you think you ought not to be? Hermione opened her bag and stowed it under her chair. Slumping back onto the mantelpiece, she clanged. Yes, have you been practicing how to get past your mum? Okay, growled Malfoy. Then you could go and get someone to look for the Order of the Pygmy Puff. Harry and Ron were laughing again. Malfoy glanced maliciously at his feet.

Interestingly bespectacled, he said softly, I don't have anything to do without commentary. He returned to shaking his quill. After a few seconds, the whole room was full of golden grills. Thanks for the tea leaves, gentlemen. Much as I can remember, six bottles a day of magic has to be the best way of knowing which one of you will be able to cope with me.

As he turned away and returned to his temple, he turned back toward them and hissed, You know what this is? Well, then get out of bed and grop! He stalked away from them into the darkness.

I've been trying to persuade people to do that for ages! Ron muttered. What's the matter with him? Snape spoke again. All you know, Box, Potter mustn't network a house of magic. Oh, hello, Myrtle. Oh! Hello, Myrtle.

Harry and Ron and Hermione left the room because the door had fallen asleep. Oh, yeah. So what, if anything, do we learn from any of this, F-Plus? I like Harry yeah you do yeah it's come quite like harry potter i learned that you know uh i would say that like uh harry potter seems to be the best feeder text i mean and presumably just from like sheer volume of words yeah yeah my my favorite though is that you can't you know it doesn't know who said what right so when you go to the the speech or dialogue generator it throws in random you know hagrid isms or cockney isms or like abbreviated you know who like yeah i i i would say that like uh like uh so if you go to and i i would really recommend uh if you want to just have a fun hour or so like go to botnik.org apps um

and uh there's a whole bunch of keyboards you can pull up um and and and seeing like like the depth of these different things like uh i noticed that like the nicki minaj one is like super fun um but like the weekend was like really boring because like he doesn't write about anything yeah because interesting weekend's really boring it's really like like you can go ahead and click on that Lin-Manuel Miranda tag, but, like, nothing good will come of it. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's just a weird little, like, experiment from us. But, like, I think that, I don't know, we amused ourselves. And that's valid, right? Well, I can generate. I told, I want to know, we amused ourselves. And that's valid, right? Well, I can generate.

I want to tell you guys what I learned. What's that? I used the Seinfeld generator to say what we learned. Okay, great. I learned a good time. I got the police officer. Do you think I give a damn what happened to the bathroom for the rest of my life i would like to thank you for the greatest four days i ever spent in my life i

would like to thank you for being audited because of it jerry no all right well i'm gonna uh uh generate just uh okay so i got a video game title for you oh Okay, what's that? It's Super Robot Factory 4, colon, Rebellion Bingo. All right. I'm going to hit nine and see what happens. In search of the dead temple, the rings of doom, Alakabeth, the hero, Tanma, four games. I got World Championship Nigel, Legend of the Ancient Cyberplasm. Ooh, that's a good one. For Impact Tony.

I got colon, the game. All right. Website is always THGFBL.us. Other episodes will be different from this one. And we've got merch buy it all the time until next time it's a bit of knickers it's a bit of knickers

bye bye remember reflected tape for costumes and trick or treating the streets of course remember to play Locker Man at the top three. Get it now. Keep it hurting. Okay. Okay, everyone generate. I'm doing John Keats.

Okay. If you only press one with the Simon and Garfunkel keyboard, it just keeps saying, at the zoo, at the zoo, at the zoo, at the zoo, at the zoo.