The F Plus - 28: But What If They're All Crappie?

Episode Date: July 29, 2010

If spending sixteen hours a day on the internet is the reason why you can't get a date, you can solve your problem by stepping away from the computer every once in a while and having a real, human, engaging conversation with someone you find attractive and personable. But of course, you're not going to do that, and that's why dating sites exist. This week, the F Plus puts on those floppy hats and goes angling in PlentyOfFish.Com, the fact that it doesn't charge means we don't have to pay to make fun of it.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces, searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of, hoping to find... Hey there, welcome to the F Plus Podcast, Terrible Things, Red With Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm John. And John, how's, And John, if I can ask a personal question to share with anyone who might be listening, how's your dating life been?

Not much happening recently. I did go on some dates a couple months ago, but not much happening now, to be honest. Well, that's weird, because don't you have an internet in your computer? I haven't looked at my computer recently, but I think there is internet in there oh yeah yeah if there's an internet in your

computer then dating's cool and really and fun and sciencey um there's there's yeah let's see well here's here's okay sorry to interrupt you but yeah see the the only the thing is my i've only got a thing for really weird and broken people and that's been kind of tough in real life because nobody really puts their issues out there like everyone to see well are you into like are you into like people that like have no social skills and are you yeah that's that's like the first thing sure okay are you into people with like really crazy opinions of the other people's gender? Are you reading my mind now?

Because I just I can't. I don't know how you're knowing this. Do you just want to spend all your time that you could be like, you know, going to dinner or having sex or whatever? Do you want to spend that time instead pontificating on religion? Of course. All right. I got you covered. There's a site called there's a site called plentyoffish.com

and it's a dating site and it's free. So any matter of people can go there. And that's really what we're going to read. We're going to read this dating site. We're going to find the sexy

relationship tactics that these people use. I think we're all just going to get wood. Perfect. Let's do it. In the room tonight, we have Vortex. Does anyone know where I could find a nerdy guy who likes to read goofy shit on the internet? Boots rain gear.

Life's too short to enjoy it. Wait. Bunny bread. I'm sorry, you didn't get the memo. It's a bunny blowjob now. John. I like dates.

Jack Jack. I am Ausar. Isvan. I'm recording this message on my iPhone. Stog. My Lord, you look sick. You need to go see Dr.

Blowjob. Lemon. Why are girls bitches about blowjobs? I wonder if anybody can guess what the theme of the evening is going to be. All right. So, so, Bunny Brad the evening is going to be Alright, so Bunny Brad, would you like to be Imagine Me, please? Oh, yes, of course I'ma get me

Okay, yes I know that you don't mind me starting here about guys who don't like blowjobs But I don't need to know there are bazillion people who don't believe they exist I could use some advice Until a week or so ago, I was one of them. Sigh. Sigh. The guy in question in a new boyfriend. Oh, so this is gay. The guy in question in a new boyfriend. Guy I totally click with. He's a great kisser. Absolutely fantastic with his hands. And not only doesn't like blowjobs,

he doesn't even like his penis touched by someone else. Like, with their hands. Not with, like, a knife. But do you have to get, like, tongs or something, maybe? Can I blow you? Oh, boy, I'm just not into other people touching my dick. Anyway, I gotta go. Oh boy, I'm just not into other people touching my dick.

Anyway, I gotta go. He's 26, has been in quite a few relationships that hit the mech-out level, but not further. And only two that he's had sex with. He'd originally intended to wait till he was married. You know how that goes. Those relationships he was in for a while. He's only had someone go down on him once and says he just didn't like it. Wait, does he have a penis?

I think I know. Doesn't want to die from secondhand dick now, does he? I'm trying to figure out what to do. I'm sort of at a loss because, hello, I want to touch him. This is the most sexually frustrated Muppet ever. Sheesh! Start it, Julio!

He just totally lost his reaction. Oh, guys, I lost it. It's like losing a contact lens. I just have to kind of feel around a bit. Yeah, you gotta get the flashlight out. It's a huge pain in the ass. just have to kind of feel around a bit. Yeah, you got to get the flashlight out. It's a huge pain in the ass. Yeah, it is. It really is.

I'm more experienced all the way around than he is. And part of me just really wants to react like, well, then you haven't had a good one yet. And I am. No ego. Lol. Just facts. What?

He is a caterer. I'm awesome at blowjobs. He's well documented. I show you my Wikipedia page. It just says Greg Blowjob. High five, five. Not only that, it's a fucking dating site. Like, hey, dating site, I'm good at blowjobs,

but I'm not putting that in my profile. And I really enjoy both giving and receiving oral. Something else he's not too experienced at, but would probably be willing to do eventually if I hold a gun to his head, and I will. Oh, no. Oh, wow, that's just kind of dark easily. Wait, how much of this is he making up, and how much...

It seems like this would be worth trying to find a way to ease into or ease around something. Any advice from either guys who've been there or girls who've been in this situation? Is there any chance of changing this? Or am I just going to make a mess of things if I try? I've really been puzzling over this the last couple of days. We haven't been in bed since. We've been fucking all throughout the front yard, but...

And I'm just not sure what direction at all to go. Normally, I think... It was just made out on the kitchen table really hard. Normally, I'd think that something like this wouldn't be a deal-breaker, but I'm just at a loss because I didn't realize just how much

I enjoyed giving a guy pleasure. And I'm not really sure that being allowed to touch his penis at all is something I can deal with in a relationship. It just makes me feel so useless, I guess. You can't touch his dick. What are you good for? Oh my god, I really hope

that somebody else on the thread is like, well, you are useless, honey. Jeez. Well, she needs to talk to that other guy. He needs professional help. If it bothers him, She needs to talk to that other guy. He needs professional help. That is, if it bothers him,

this isn't something anyone else was able to charge about him, change about him. If you want a challenge, then be ready for it. It's up to you. Do you want to heal him and try to change him?

Why? If you like to touch your package, then you should be able to. Why would you want to give that up when it gives you so much pleasure? I wouldn't. If he doesn't think it's a problem, then he would be happier finding a woman that doesn't have a problem with the way he is. If you keep seeing him and try to heal his issue, then you will be more and more unhappy. Without professional help, he won't identify and then work on changing this.

It would be nice to be the wonderful woman that helps him overcome this problem, but he has to want to change it. From what you write, the problem isn't you. You sound normal! If he's really interested in fixing the problem, then he will get help. I hope he does.

You and I both know what he's missing. What is he missing? Take any of these things out to you. How about Just a Girly Girl? Yeah, I think that's a good one. Just a Girly Girl.

Geez! I never imagined there could be a guy on Earth that didn't like a BJ! I have never been in a situation similar to this one. In fact, I am even wondering if he is um... gay? Perhaps? Sorry, gay is in

parentheses there. That's what I mean, happy. Perhaps. Gay? Perhaps? Like, hasn't come out of the closet yet? Or do gays even give BJs too? Oh, gee.

I asked. Wait, wait, wait. Do gays give BJs? No. No, no. They never have ever. They never have ever suck each other off. Because that's gay.

Could that even possibly work? I can't imagine how one would fit. It doesn't make any sense to me. Gay dicks are completely differently shaped. They look like anvils. I mean, it's just, it doesn't look like that. But it looks like it. They look like anvils.

I mean, it's just, it doesn't look like that. But it looks like that. Oh, text TXSippyGal. TXSippyGal. Somebody take that. Okay, I will take that. All right. You know what I think?

This might be totally lame, but I think it may be who need to give it a little more time. We didn't say how long you've been intimate with this guy. He could be feeling guilty that he didn't wait for marriage. But I think it's an intimacy issue. The longer you were in a relationship with him, the more he feels connected with you, and he will want this. But the sexual

molestation is a good thought. I like thinking about molestation. I would hear that sentence again. Yeah, please. But the sexual molestation is a good thought. It really is. When you think about it. Yeah, I hadn't thought about it, and then it was like,

oh, yeah, that makes sense. Sexual molestation. I can see the pros and the cons here. You see, I hate it about touching you. When you talk to him about it, though you need to do it outside the bedroom, maybe totally away from the house. What? Well, they fucked the whole house already.

This house is covered in dildos. Yeah. That's what happens. That's a byproduct of gay sex. Welcome to Casa de Cock. Now that we're outside, can I touch your dick? Just thought I'd throw that out there. Like, when you were out walking together, totally alone,

of course, try to be gentle with him if you want inside this man's heart and don't want to blow it in case it's a simple fix. Don't blow his heart. Please excuse the pun. Oh. Oh. It's never

excused ever. Ever. This thread fucking cracks me up. Oh, and if we want more humor, here's Napoleon. Oh, and if we want more humor, here's Napoleon. Oh, okay. He's asked, hey, are you sure he's actually

got one? Have you seen it? You could be the victim of a clever ruse. What? I'm sure. I think he's saying it's a transgender biologically woman. I'd say he doesn't have a spin. Holy shit.

Trailsman 5. Somebody needs to read that. Yeah, I was just looking at that. Okay. He could be deeply homophobic staying away from anything a man could theoretically do to him. What?

Just imagine that amount of homophobia, just thinking any sexual act is like, this is something a guy could be doing. I'm never going to do that. Wait a minute, guys. Wait a minute. I'm just going to go jerk off.

Oh, God, no! I'm just going to use a urinal. Oh my god! I could be performing cunnilingus on this guy. Oh, Jesus. So, Plays Outside needs some advice. He's turned to

Plenty of Fish for some advice. Oh, yeah. This one's great. So, I'll take plays outside. We need Dominique and Yep, That's Me. Yeah, the other ones.

I can take Yep, That's Me. We'll take some Dominique. So, I have never met my buddy's sister. I just saw pictures on his Facebook of her and thought she was beautiful. I just assumed she was seeing somebody. Then I stumbled across her profile on Poth. I would like to actually meet her and see if there is anything.

Just anything. Do I ask my buddy if I could meet her? Or do I send her a message and not tell my buddy? I really can't play dumb on this one. There is a picture of her and him

on his profile. Regardless, I don't plan on telling him I saw his sister on Poff. I'm an only child, so I have no idea how this thing works. Does he mean his dick?

That whole thing being social relationships at all? I don't know how to relate to anybody ever. I grew up in a bubble. Save me. Yeah, plays outside is kind of a misnomer. Normal kids get internet dating lessons

from their siblings. Yes. How long ago since you saw her on Facebook? Last week, his profile picture was him and her. She actually used that picture on Poff. I thought it was his goof until he said his goof was Asian, and he and his sister are not.

We're fairly new friends. And he and his sister are not. We're fairly new friends. Alright. Just be real. Keep it real. Yeah, just be real. Tell him you ran across her picture on a dating site.

You thought she was a knockout and liked what she had to say. Let him know you were interested but wanted to make sure he was comfortable with it. This shows him a little something about your intentions and character. Alternatively, you could provide the same info to her. Tell her what you thought about her profile, pictures, but weren't sure how to handle it because you knew her brother. The plus side of scenario one is that you're being upfront and showing your buddy respect. The plus side to scenario two is that you're being upfront with her, but also respecting the fact that she may not want her brother involved in her dating life, or even to know about her profile. You would be putting her privacy first.

I think I will take option two. Her dating life is just that hers, so I will just write a nice message and at the end say, I actually know your brother. Thanks for the advice. And at the end say, I actually know your brother. Thanks for the advice. I would like to have sex with you. Also, I know your brother. If that turns you on more, then wink. Wink. Okay.

Eternal Realist. I really don't think it's any of his business that she is on POF. But he's close enough of a buddy that you're asking for advice on here you might have to come clean my advice is to talk to her and see if there is mutual attraction if there is then talk to him about it there's no sense telling him

your interest in her unless you know it'll go somewhere until you find out she's interested in you you're just another guy who has a crush on his buddy's sister. A situation lived by most of us guys. But if it progresses mutually, you have to shoot straight with him.

Otherwise, you'll likely lose a friend and possibly get your A$$ kid. Not to mention many awkward family gatherings to come. So why would the family gatherings include him? Wait, is that his brother? They're going to date forever.

Is this the twist M. Night Shyamalan ending coming up here? She's actually my sister. I wish at the end of this the buddy posted the call log where he talked to the guy and said yeah dude, you sent an email

to my sister where you sobbed about being an only child for about 3,000 words I don't know how to do this I didn't have a brother alright, somebody gotta take Frau Blucher Frau Blucher. Frau Blucher? Oh, yeah. This is an episode of the Brady Bunch.

If I was this woman, I wouldn't want to sort a friend of my brother seeking his permission to date me. In more, if you believe this gal is truly your type and you would have contacted her regardless of whether she was not, she was your new friend i

don't care then go ahead and make first contact use the situation as an icebreaker but do not tell her you're unsure how to approach her i.e be confident simply tell her you recognize her from her brother facebook page and wanted to introduce yourself. She can then decide for herself, as she should, whether or not you're her cup or tea. If she seems responsive, I'm sure you'll know how to flirtatiously proceed. Good luck! I like that really militant flirtatiously proceed. Funny, Fred, I have never been more turned on by you.

I was keeping that one in my back pocket the whole time. That's the voice he uses that turns people on. That's the one. Yeah, now is the time when we flirtatiously proceed. Frau Blucher

is 4'10 and 180 pounds. Frau Blucher was actually Cloris Leachman's character in Young Frankenstein. Just finish that up with Motown Cowgirl boots, please. Okay. Let's just try to parse the first five words here.

Good luck. You're an adult. She's he's an adult. So take it from there and leave her brother out of it entirely. It's none of his business. I'm sorry if this violates some kind of unwritten guy code, but really. Period. If you're going to call to ask if your buddy minds if you meet his sister for a coffee,

then you might as well call up her daddy too and ask for a chaperone. Ow. Ow! Ow! Burn that shit. Burn that shit. I am a Motown cowgirl. Hello, Mr. Terwilliger. I would like to court your daughter.

I think actually what we need to do here is we need to just do a profile. We need to do a profile of that guy. What's his name? Count Iblee? Oh, Count Iblee. Is he going to be a new mascot? Most of his posts

weren't that exciting, as I recall. Which is too bad, because just read his profile, please, Boots. Once again, I'm going to say fuck you. I like his city. fuck you. Since it's actually you. I like his city. It's telling me I need to join the website. Just to update on you,

this guy kind of looks like me. That's the joke here. Especially the clothes, apparently. That's not the joke. The joke is built in here. Alright, my name is Count Iblee. My slogan is PROCRASTINATE NOW! I'm a

39-year-old 5'8 Virgo from Low Hell, Massachusetts. Oh, a Virgo. I thought it was something else. No, no. Virgo. I'm a Virgo. I'm a Caucasian with red hair. I have an average body type

and I am non-religious. Although I do wear a monk's attire. That's a Jedi's attire, motherfucker. That's a Jedi's attire. There we go. I have a lightsaber that has a wooden glow. That's a dildo, motherfucker.

I have a lightsaber that has a wooden glow. That's a dildo, motherfucker. My intent, Count Iblee, isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment. So, I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here. Although I am... Although I am... Although I'm not seeking a relationship

or any kind of commitment, I am seeking a woman. I drink socially. I'm single. My profession is before model. I'm 39 years old and a ginger, but I am soon to become a model.

It's a joke. The joke is he's a before model for different products. Here's after. He cracked the joke. Boobs are really funny. The after model is Tyrese. I'm looking for an

intimate encounter that doesn't involve children or drugs. He has a car. My interests include, this is an entirely random list, Cthulhu.

Randomly ordered, I guess. My interests include Cthulhu, music, linguistics, pontificating. I think that means shitting. Religion. Shits on religion. What is with the one after cooking? Keep going. Mythology.

Cooking. What is that? Body hardening. Body hardening. He's looking for a Gorgon He actually really likes pontificating on body hardening Sometimes my body is too soft with your help

Finish, finish Photography, fencing, reading, mathematics, anarchy, paranormal, pool, the flying spaghetti monster. Oh, wacky. Survivalism,

sacrificing virgins to the Dark Lord. So he's suicidal then. Writing, physics, shamanism, the occult, and sweaty hot

monkey sex count Iblee that all sounds really great but I just want to know this being the dating game and all what would our first date be like I'm glad you asked because not far from where I live there's a place called Druid Hill

there's a circle of stones that nobody quite knows, nobody knows quite who, when, or why it was built. Some say it was an ancient calendar. Others believe animal sacrifices were held there by some long-forgotten cult. There's even one report of a man turning invisible after sitting on one of the stones and meditating. What eldritch force lurks I can't make that

sentence happen. Come on. Eldritch force lurks there, perhaps no man knows. I like going there at night and looking at the clear sky. When the stars are right, I'm like a man possessed.

A voice, a voices, wells up from inside me. Iash alub-ni-grath. The black goat of the woods with a thousand young. Oh, that was the name of my football team. My body is no longer my own. I cry out in a language no sane man

could know. He's not finished, folks. Still going. I like to think of that as a thing. It's just him trying to move furniture that he couldn't. And so after I pass the stone, then we go out to dinner. I think there was some Mexican food involved in there, too. Yeah. In a mad desperation, I scour the stones for the boorish signs.

My blood curdles as the unspeakable ululations spew forth from my mouth. I must search for the Dona to release me from this terror. Nagai! Nagai! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya!

Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! Gya! G not. Perhaps N'Gai or the plateau of Leng beyond Kadath in the cold waste. I turn to you with a feral grin. Ladies first.

Alright, message countably now. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. There's a little bit left out there. Then the mace hits my eyes. Is anyone else here

Absolutely shocked that this man Ended up on plenty of fish I mean I am shocked that he doesn't get Tail all the fucking time He's about to I'm gonna message this dude We're gonna go He went to the same high school as me Because he knows our same cheerleading chant

Funnyb, will you read the profile of GangstaBoo918? GangstaBoo918? Yeah, GangstaBoo918. How could you tell without me ever revealing my real name? Yeah, we're all reading our own profiles today, I guess. Oh, look at that.

Oh, he's in Sand Springs. That's great. Honestly, you give that guy facial tattoos and it looks exactly like Bunny Bread. Yeah, both of them. Weird. How do you know about my Kloatu thing from Total Recall? Guys, he doesn't live too far from me.

I think I need to find him. You're going to need to buy me a beer after this. Oh. So, yeah. We just know that you're looking. You're a Libra. You're 6'2". You're looking for a lady. Will you just tell us a little bit about yourself? Oh, sure. No, sure. No. Hold on.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. That's it, guys. The Boo 918. Hey! Hey! My sign is the leap, bro. I'm sitting on 180, 80 CMs. Let's see. I'm about 23% old.

Am I a smoker? Fuck yeah, on the occasional. My ethnicity is white as a goddamn hospital sheet, motherfucker. My body type is sexy. My religion is non. My chemistry is resultant. I am thinking

a bitch for dating. And do I drink? Shit, yeah. Socially, shit, yeah. Shit, yeah. Do I want children? Fuck you. Somehow still single. Drugs? Fuck yeah. I mean, no. Gangsta boo

Gangsta boo 918 doesn't do drugs. It's not gangsta. He doesn't have children at 23 either. What the fuck? He just does weed and crack. I mean, not drugs. Holy shit. Oh, wait. He doesn't have children at 23 either. What the fuck? He just does weed and crack. I mean, not drugs. Holy shit. Oh, wait.

He doesn't have children. What is that? What's that under smarts? It's a very oddly shaped penis. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. My profession is yo. You have some children?

Fuck no. I'm still looking. My smarts is you will have a car oh yeah do I have a license? No. My intent. GeishaDabu918 is looking for a relationship. My history is I never had no relationships. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. The longest relationship GeishaDabu918 has been was over four years long. After that, my mama dropped me off, and then, you know, it's a bit between us.

About me. I love playing basketball. I'm tall. I'm kind of skinny. And blondish-brownish hair with some sexy green eyes. And I love all kind of music. I love butter on my biscuits. I like all kinds of music and butter on my biscuits.

And I love all kinds of music. I love to be outside only when it's nice outside. You see? You see? People like hanging in the rain and tornadoes and shit. Not me. No, not Gangsta Boo, not 1A. Well, Gangsta Boo, that all sounds great, but I want you to tell me, what would our first date be like?

Huh? First date? Shut up. I thought this was the hooker sign. I have to inform everyone listening that it really does say huh for the first date. That is not a joke. Yeah, um...

Yeah, why is this dialogue box in my browser asking all these questions? God, gee. Do I really gotta have a first date really you'll just skip to the marriage uh that'll be the whole first date yeah jack found this when i was found this profile when i was telling him about how um a friend of mine and i like my friend lives in vancouver in british columbia and she uh she went through here with all the Vancouver entries and all of them

were pretty normal. Just like, oh, I like these books. I like these movies and stuff. But almost all the ones from Oklahoma sound just like this guy. The contrast was just staggering. It was insane. And I wanted to find the profile where it was a guy, the photo was a guy with

a huge catfish and he actually had like, this is the first catfish I ever noodled. What? Oh, you don't know what that is? You want me to tell you what noodling catfish is? This is what we do in Oklahoma. In Oklahoma, you want to catch a giant catfish,

this is what you do. You noodle a catfish, you go down into the middle of the big muddy lake, you stick your fist in the water, you let the fish bite down on it, and then you pull the fish out of the water and stick it in the water. What?! Yes, there are videos... There are videos...

Well, allegedly, you can catch much bigger catfish, ones that would normally tear apart a fishing line if you do it this way, but yeah, I can show you videos. Yeah, you can get your arm ripped up pretty badly doing this, but yeah, that's what we do in Oklahoma. We noodle catfish.

That's what we do in Oklahoma. We noodle catfish. And all of the pictures, or all of the videos where guys noodle catfish, they then show off proudly how mangled their arm is after. Yes, yeah.

The catfish just tear the hell out of their arms. Like, ooh-wee, man. Look at that. What they out of their arms like, ooh wee man, look at that, what they did to my arm. They all turn into a King of the Hill character. They all... That show is a documentary. Are you out of your mind? That is a fact.

Alright, Jack Chick, will you take Simon Cal here? You need to make sure that you read the title of the title, too. Okay. Okay. I didn't

think I can continue seeing all. So I'm getting to know this girl, and it's been lovely. Going out, et cetera, et cetera. Last week, she's been distant, so I figured she's got crap on her mind, which she has with her mom, et cetera, et cetera.

And other things I don't know, but ellipsis, ellipsis. So I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. Ellipsis. She said no. Ellipsis. Oak! Ellipsis. Don't get worried, but don't want Wena annoy her further.

A few days ago I told her if she needs anything she can come to me or whatever. In any case. Her friend said to give her space, so of course that's what I chose to do. So this week, she sent me a text saying this. Hey, I appreciate all

trying to be here for number four, me, and everything. It's just I need some time on my own and for a while, of course, of everything that's going on. I don't think I can continue seeing U. I hope U can understand. So you just lost. Hard to accept.

In a way, I understand, but I don't really know what's going on. Some sort of emoticon that I don't even know how to describe it. It's a colon with an S. That's been punched in the mouth face. I don't understand. It's a croaky face. It don't have a golden strokey face. It had a mouse replaced with snake.

What do I do? It's on my mind every day. That same terrible emoticon. That's your emoticon for hmm. Ispon, will you take Jersey Girl there? Jersey Girl.

Perhaps she needs the time away from you to take remedial english and grammar course good god i could barely read that nonsense rejection sucks period we're left with all kinds of unanswered questions and usually assume it's something we've done or some undesirable trait we have. The sting of this will pass, you'll see. Everything is a learning experience and this is just a small part of that big life lesson we're all supposed to learn. Good luck to you.

Oh my God, your writing's horrible. I hate you. Good luck. Juan does God responds football starts in 22 days so you can forget everything or care yeah yeah yeah

there's some more differences on the gridiron anyone else can take it Any other ones that are interesting Maybe she wants a man that writes complete words And uses correct grammar People are picky You never know what is going to turn them off

Like for instance everything about you turns me off Thanks form fishy Damn I like Deborah 815 I was going to take that one it's yours It's yours The icon is just face Hello I'm Deborah

I'm looking for a partner The 814 of my friends are going to come devour you apparently As far as I'm concerned texting is the tool of a coward who cannot face you or talk to you it's the easy way out and the scourge of modern living she never gave you a reason why she cannot see you anymore so it makes it more difficult to let go but let go if you must

move on as everyone else has suggested. I'm sorry about what happened. This is a risk of relationships. There are no guarantees. May you have much better luck next time. With more cowardly women, I guess. I'm going to take Revelers. Yes, take Revelers. Okay.

I'm just surprised you didn't get the it's not you, it's me line. Because it's never me, it's you. The writing is on the wall, written in bold type. And anytime she says, think or time to think, what she will be thinking about is how she's going to tell you it's over

in case you didn't get the message the first time. She won't be reevaluating her feelings for you she's tried to let you down easy don't force it to be brutal or blunt just wasn't in the cards it's not in the car we followed up yeah hold up oh oh yeah sorry double posts I think I deserve a spanking yeah low you I think you need to do a box of cliches When someone kicks you in the balls Asking them why they did so is a waste of time

Don't you think Yeah just sit there and enjoy your erection Shut up This is called Regaining Regaining her trust I think D-Mac read D-Mac read He's a pretty cool looking dude regaining her trust it's fine I think dmac read dmac read

he's pretty cool looking dude regaining her trust I'm posting on my iPhone so I apologize if my autocorrect changes something and I don't catch it hear the situation me and this girl had been dating for over three

years off and on we've broken up twice with Mr. Doing the Breaking. The first break up. You should really break up with that guy. He's a dick. Because neither of us were very good at communicating. I asked for space. She was clingy.

And she took it as me not loving her, which I did slash do, and wanting to get away. This made the situation worse, which led to the breakup. We spent a tile apart, realized our mistakes, and tried again. The second breakup was me being a bit naive and stupid. again. The second breakup was me being a bit naive and stupid. We had passed the three-year mark, and she was ready to take the relationship to the

next level. Engagement slash marriage. She was ready to start a family, and to medical reasons, has a very limited time to have kids. I was not ready, and I didn't know if I would be for a while. She said she was willing to wait for me, but I didn't want her to give up her desires for a family,

considering her one or two more years of being able to have kids. So I thought it would be best to let her go. Needless to say, I heard a bit of it. We were a great couple for the moss part. Nothing's perfect. Part two. As before, spent time apart. Yes.

Started talking again. I had, by this time, been out of school for a while, had a good dose of real life, and realized what I walked away from. She said that I need to regain her trust before anything can happen again. She now lives about a 1,000 miles away,

colon P. At this point, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, but I'm not entirely sure to gain someone's trust from this distance. I asked her if... Sorry. iPhone wouldn't let me finish. Besides the fact that yes, I was comitophobe. She amazing to even offer me a chance. How does one go about gaining trust back from a situation like this

what can i do to show i'm ready she can trust me how can i rekindle the spark i get i just imagine that guy like turn yeah i imagine that guy like telling that story from the middle of like a completely destroyed room covered in blood just a crime scene the cops show up and this is what he tells them the crime scene. The cops show up and this is what he tells them. How do I spice up my relationship? You're going to prison.

We've been dating off and on and she wouldn't listen to me. Alright. If the internet was to be summarized in one question, it would be this. We're going to start with Stog. Oh, I'm butt-sexed with my... We're going to start with Stog and then just go alphabetically

from there. Okay. J for D&B. J for Drum and Bass, I assume. He just really likes... I'm pulling this thing out of my mouth and it says hell how did he get in there

that was a weird smile you gotta read the title why women want assholes and not nice guys women love assholes nobody loves assholes as much as as Jimmy Gillis and Jimmy Gillis I hear it on a daily basis.

God, you're such a nice guy. Why are you still single? Ellipses. I have dated some pretty amazing women only to have them go back to the star, star, star hole that they said they wanted nothing to do with. They cried about not wanting a nice guy.

How they were just tired of that star, star, star hole. They're aliens. It changed the star, star, star hole. Changed the guy they just had to have. I believe that's pronounced asterisk hole. No, it's totally pronounced star, star, star hole. Sorry. Sorry, you're right.

Every time. For more information on. Sorry, you're right. For more information on the movie you'd like to see, press Star Star Starhole. So ladies, can you please explain so that I can begin to understand and hopefully get some sanity back? Thank you. I just feel like I'm throwing money at women to give their advice. Yeah.

How much money did you drop? That wasn't me. Oh, sorry. I only carry hundreds, baby. In a roll. All right, poor Tex. Just shoving it into the parking meter. Jack's Florida?

Yeah. I get the most interesting one, I guess. I was going to make a comment, but I think I'll wait for the more interesting ones. Thanks, Jack's! That brought our post count up to two.

I was going to make a comment, and I did. Goodbye! Deborah 815 again. The face. Space Beast 815. Space just really depressed John right there. Who said Deborah Busey earlier?

Earlier. It really is. Rescue me. Rescue me, please. Jay, you joined POF just days ago. Please do a thread search before you post a thread. This topic of nice guys versus jerks has been done literally hundreds of times. You'll find many helpful responses.

Good luck. Typical woman dodging the question. Typical woman dodging the question If I was an asshole and asked this question it would be cool Of course if I was an asshole I wouldn't ask the question, I would just say

Fuck you Okay, Frankenstein 902 You're only seeing what you want to believe What does that mean? There's only seeing what you want to believe What does that mean? Thank you, Kermit There's only seeing what you want to see And only believing what you want to believe Only seeing what you want to believe

What the hell is he doing answering questions In the Ask a Girl forum? Thanks, Bullwinkle Yeah Tonight the part of Morpheus will be played by Kermit Yeah, I think this post makes you seem jaded up. Not all women want a dollar sign, dollar sign in her life. We do, however, like confidence.

Wait for it. Not co-ca-inus. I would do a thread search as suggested above. I'm sure their answers are better than mine. I don't think that's possible. Okay, and now we have VacationGuy234. Looks like he's on vacation in that picture. Dude, dude, I know this is hard to figure out,

but I'll give it to you straight. The guys you are describing give women what they need, not what they want. This is what you are hearing this so much. And this is why women are leaving you for those men. So what you have to do is figure out what they need and give it to them. Complaining on here isn't going to do you any good. Sure it is. Wait, aren't you saying complaining on the internet doesn't help?

Yeah, I know, dude, but just listen, okay? Women don't want nice guys because they get hurt worse by them. My advice is to be a real guy, not a nice guy, and you'll be much better off. Stop listening to women's problems. Wake up. You're in the friend zone. No. Caring about a woman's problems.

Yes. Knock that shit off. Stop! La la la la la la la! You gotta admit, that would make you pretty much an asshole. You're in the friend zone! Friend zone! You're in the friend zone!

So give them what they need by not listening to their problems. Well, women just need to shut up, basically. They need to realize that their problems are insignificant. Not worth anybody else's time. Yeah, girl, all that yelling about that cancer and shit, just shut up. Dick is right here. Your mouth is right there. Play with the balls.

Play with the balls. Just tell them don't worry about it. Yeah. I don't love Johnny anymore. It's true. I have an asshole boyfriend. I'm impressed in flummox that you can get asshole in the title, but not in the body of the message.

Cool. Makes me wonder what else might work. Some, like, devil smiley? I'm the devil. I got nothing. Sorry. What's someone else. I got nothing, sorry. What's someone else say? Great, sir. Thanks, lady.

This is so unhelpful. Everyone is just like, man, look at another thread. Like, why are there so many responses if that's the case? There's so many. Why does he need 80 people to tell him, look at another thread? There are 20 people that responded to this saying, you shouldn't ask me. and look at another thread. There are 20 people that responded to this saying

you shouldn't ask me. Shit, I don't know. Okay, okay. I think this might be a retread of a previous character. But it's fine. Right there. Please help me win back GF and daughter.

I've had anger issues for some time, and recently with my girlfriend, she said she wanted to break up with me due to my anger issues, and I probably made matters worse when I punched holes in her wall and threw a windshield, slicing my wrist in self-dependence. Yeah, you probably. That could be several things. It's a combination of things,

but mostly it was punching holes in the wall. That's usually a no-no. She likes guys with intact tendons. And then through a windshield. Yeah. Punch holes in your wall or through the windshield. I don't know your decision. Yeah, he punched a hole in the wall

and I guess he just ran out of the house like Tasmanian Devil style and just attacked her windshield. The car was parked inside the house, which I, you know, maybe he drove his car to the house. As J4DNB has found out, that's the kind of thing you have to do to get women.

He's being a real guy. She said she would want to work things out if I got help, so I came back to get women. He's being a real guy. She said she would want to work things out if I got help, so I came back to Philly. She lives 250 miles away, and I've been going to therapy and have been prescribed medication. It's been two weeks since the whole incident, and while she didn't talk to me at all for a few days, she started to text me, and

for the last two to three days, we really started talking love and even sexual things. Hey, we've been together for over two years and have a child together. And said that we would hang out on the 30th, make love, see a movie, and possibly move back together. In that order.

Let's fuck, and then if we're done in time, we can go catch the movie. And at the end of the movie, we will move in. That is a great to-do list. Then today all of the sudden she still wants to see me the 30th but stay at home

and with no potential for me to move in as of yet as she says it's too soon. She then goes on to say that we are no longer a couple which tore me apart although upon questioning she said she didn't want me to think of us as a couple because she wanted to see me get help for myself and not for the relationship. She has drastically declined the rate at which she texted me today and said she didn't want to act like a couple.

I pleaded with her at first, but then I tried to play calm and understanding. I still get to see her the 30th, so I don't know how to play this. In terms of texting her now and when I go up to see her and my baby, I really fuck. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hold on.

Derek. Derek 810. I've got some advice for you. What you need to do is get very drunk on a Monday night, wait until 3 o'clock in the morning, give her a phone call, cry, or just sob,

actually, it would be more accurate. Yeah, incoherently beg for her back, and then scream. Yeah, and then scream at her when she says no. That's guaranteed to win her back.

How long should I scream? I want to get a good script now. Oh, until she hangs up. Not enough attention is paid to I wrote a book. Click. I wrote a book. If she dials back and you're still in the middle of screaming, that would be great.

I appreciate anyone who reads this and gives me any insight so much. Also, not to sound corny, but I would just love someone to email or in back forth to call me down. There was a nice who would email me reassuring things that all last kept me level headed. Again, thanks in advance, tonguey face. That wasn't even Dear Internet give me advice. That was Dear Internet fix me. He said it would be really nice if someone could just talk to me to calm me down.

That's like, Dear Internet, please stop me before I punch again. I don't have that many more tendons in my body. Yeah, he's going to pick up that baby of his, and he's just going to spike it into the ground like he just won the damn Super Bowl, and then he's going to go back on there and ask for more advice. Oh, Caligula was a good movie. See, see, see. I think you guys are, I mean, okay.

So, number one, this guy is pretty clearly a master strategist, right? Because he's evaluating the total number of texts that's being sent between the two of them and calculating out exactly how many he should send. Right? Right. Secondly,

I don't understand why she says that she doesn't want to think of him and her as a couple because she wanted to see him get help for himself, right? What the fuck does that mean? What kind of help does he need? He doesn't need any help.

He's perfect. That's what I'm saying. Jack, go down to the Ogre of Puff. Okay. Ogres can... I can't believe mythical creatures can get... Anyone can get laid on the internet now.

Yeah. This is Puff's own... Yeah, you better read it in ogre voice. Bust out your best ogre voice. Nerds! Yes, yes. You need to drink a trophy of beer first.

What if C-A-T really spelled dog? You scared the crap out of her with physical violence. Think about that for a moment, Opie. Okay, Cookie Monster. Now think about this.

A dog runs up, bites your nuts, and rips off a testicle. That's what ogres have. They don't have testicles. They have testicles. How are you going to be the next time you see that dog? What?

I'm putting just a little on the timid side as you reach down, feel only one nut, and remember what it did to you. When you have anger problems and allow them to control you to the point that they turn violent and someone gets hurt, then those who witness it will remember this and they will be scared. Fear is a normal emotion. It helps keep us alert when in turn enables us to be safe. I don't know if you've ever hit her or your child or not, but I'm sure you can see with what you did to yourself how easy it would be for you to cross that line with your anger. Don't attempt to say you would never hurt her. You've sliced your entire arm up from your anger. Don't attempt to say you would never hurt her. You've sliced your entire arm up from your anger. It shows you don't think at all when you're angry that you're the possessive.

And that's an easy line to cross. Take time, go to your head. Work on getting your mind and arm both better focus on the arm more heavily you gotta pick your balance here don't get upset with her for trying to protect herself and her child what you're calling flip-flopping is nothing more than her own motherly instinct to protect this child. Learn anger management strategies. Take your time and show her repeatedly that you can handle your anger, stress, and personal actions. It's going to take a long time to rebuild her trust in you.

As it should, but eventually if you do what your possessive's supposed to do, it will happen. Good luck! You reverted back to his human form to wish him good luck. My throat hurts now. Okay, um, let's talk about Jesus, should we?

Alright, uh, Bunny Brad, will you start this off with Okay. Let's talk about Jesus, should we? All right. Bunny Brad, will you start this off with attitude? Oh, certainly. Attitude. Attitude, bro. Is that like dooditude? Yeah.

Attitude. Fantastic. Attitude 777. Testimony. Why did you become a Christian, man? When I was younger, I worked with a guy on a business deal that was like a Christian. I used to tease him mercilessly about his faith, man. We ran out of cash and had no money for anything at all, right?

However, we did have a box of Kraft dinner, man. But no bread or milk to go with it. Oh man, is Jesus going to show up and like turn it and make a bunch of bread and milk? Wait, wait, man. I'm getting to it. Shut up. That is hard. Jesus is going to turn the Kraft dinner into Kraft dinner bread and milk.

How is Kraft dinner? It's Kraft macaronaroni and Cheese. That's just what they call it in Canada. Yeah, in Canada it's just called Kraft. It's just a box of fucking dinner. Dinner! Dinner! What's dinner? That is more depressing.

Just Kraft Dinner. It's KD, man. Now I eat my Kraft pills and go to Kraft sleep. Hey kids, do you want some meal? So I said to him, as a joke, right, I was going to pray for some bread and milk. I put my hands together and prayed right there in the street.

Jesus, please give us some bread and milk. Go to Kraft dinner. I'm in, man. We walked away. Right there on the street, we found a bag with bread and milk in it, man. What? The milk was still cold. Oh, fuck you.

No, for real. I don't think I ever enjoyed a craft dinner as much as I did that day. Because I was high, right? joy of crafting her as much as I did that day. Because I was high, right? Needless to say, I never became a Christian that day. But shortly thereafter,

I haven't been growing in my faith and my pants ever since. Although, I did spend some time in the desert trying to figure out what it meant to truly be a person. What? That's why he was so thankful for it. Soul searching time? No, my GPS wasn't working.

Oh, okay, never mind. That's why it's such a miracle that the milk and bread was there because he was in the middle of the desert. The desert's in Canada. So, what's your story? I would love to hear it. Dude. Holy crap, dinner.

Jesus needs to help him learn what part of the story is interesting. Let me go on and on about this bread and milk I found. Anyways, I spent a lot of time in the desert. Anyways, you know, bread and milk. Yeah, fun. I guess it wouldn't have gone over as well if he had said, hey, I remember this time I accidentally

stole bread and milk from somebody. He looked kind of like Jesus, man. Where's my bread and milk? My name is Naib or Nibbe. Something like that. Naib? No. Fired forever.

Oh, woman. Die. All right. I prayed one day. If there is a God, please do something for these poor dormitory students. And there was bread

and milk! No, no, no. Some students got their bread and milk stolen yesterday. Not what happened. Not what happened. Not what happened at all. The next day, tons of us got little Gideon's Bibles. They were being handed out by some old guy.

I before that had been thinking that the stars might be some sort of living creature. What in the... Cortex, do me a favor. Yeah? Ask me to reread that sentence. Levin, you want to reread that sentence? I would love to. I before that had been thinking

that the stars might be some sort of living creature. Thank you. I'm not asking him to do that. Took the words right out of my mouth. And I opened... You have to give Jack a minute, I think. I always thought that the sky was like a club kid

covered in a lot of glitter. Yes. Well, Jack Chick likes it. Why shouldn't he? And I opened up my Gideon's Bible to a random page. I read five chapters and in them were signs for me. The biggest being Paul talking about how he doesn't know what

bodies we'll have in heaven. Heavenly bodies. So I realized So I realized That's totally, yeah. Yeah, that's 1314 right there. So I realized right away that the stars are angels. Wait, wait, wait.

Keep going. There's a book named The Angel. End. End. Come on. Give it together. End of it. Everything in the Bible must be generally true.

There. Contradictive. be generally true. There. Generally. Generally. Those people must be really bored just hanging out in the same spot. That's how I became a Christian. Smiley face with wings and halo. Smiley face with really shitty drawn wings.

So I became a Christian because of bizarre idiocy? God says, okay, you guys, go line up in the shape of a spoon and stay there for millions of years.

Exactly. Those angels are so bored. I feel sorry for them. Hey, God, there's nothing to do in the dorms on Saturday Oh, the Bible You want to do something about all that star bait? No? Okay, that's cool Thanks for the Bible Somebody pointed out that he or she

had misspelled Gideon's but actually her R key doesn't work and it's supposed to say gridirons that he or she had misspelled Gideon's, but actually, her R key doesn't work, and it's supposed to say gridirons. It's a football strategy guide. Oh, that's her playbook. Okay. It's God's

playbook for life. Wait, then how did she spell stars later in the... Shush, shush, shush. Sorry, but that ain't enough, Denver. We all can get the same results with Valium and Thorazine. Attitude,

semicolon. That's how he proves he's smart. Yes. I liked the milk and bread story. I've had that happen to me several times. You have? Stealing food? I can believe it.

Unfortunately, God is much better at handing out free food than she is at handling out good jobs and good romantic relationships. Wow. Dude, Vermonta, you're edgy. This guy, like, has a mohawk in his mind. She also is good at handing out free clothes also.

This guy steals everything. Once when I was down to my last clean t-shirt, some guy I met had no t-shirt, so I gave him mine at a spiritual meeting. It was a warm night, and I said, what the heck? I said, what the heck? After the meeting, I stopped by the homeless shelter to see a friend and someone had dropped off hundreds of boxes of new XXL t-shirts, and the manager of the shelter was about to toss them all into the dumpster to make room. Told me to take all I wanted. I still have dozens of those shirts left and have worn out dozens.

Sometimes God over-provides in one area and under-provides in another area. Oh. Oh, he's talking about his penis? What had happened is some business that prints t-shirts had made a mistake and printed the wrong name for one of their customers, so rather than spend money to go to the local dump, they simply drop them off at the local

shelter. Smiley face that's like blinking in and out of existence. Yeah, what? It's a radioactive smiley face. I think we can all agree that Vermonter has a wonderful life. So after this revival meeting, I gave a shirtless guy my shirt

and then I went to the homeless shelter and I got a bunch of free shirts. Yeah, things are really looking up for this guy. Some guys have all the luck. Exactly. And there it is. Love is in the air, but it smells pretty bad. John, what do you think you learned this week?

I learned that any type of site that has free registration and has a forum will just degenerate into this point where it's just like I mean, I know I probably said this in some form or another like a million times, but it just becomes this weird stew of like weird topics and weird people

and just you poke in the recesses there and it's just, you know, I mean, it seems like with any forum you'll get past the upper layer of somewhat normal people who type on the you're just saying things on the internet just because and like just these weird internet people and people with bad opinions it just i guess it's just like every it's weird how every forum has that see me underbelly that's just it almost feels like reading the same forum every time yeah it's almost yeah it's the back of every forum is like you know the the four angry guys and like the the one interesting guy that just posts too much and then like

and then like the really boring masses yeah or the people that just like that don't necessarily conversate but just kind of have their own monologue and like somehow link it to the topic or they write in some weird like like they're i don't know e comings with a brain hemorrhage i don't know it's just like it's always see it almost seems like the same people exactly every time i guess you know i mean you know i mean there's how many people are actually like going around posting on forums all the time. You figure there's gotta be some overlap between this and the escapist.

It's true. The website is always THC, FPL dot us. Uh, we got the Twitter, we got the Facebook, we got the good times rolling and, uh,

ain't we got fun. And, uh, yeah, that's all for this week we'll see you again and thanks for listening have a good one

Stug can you read I can't help it if she checking for a platinum target She be calling me daddy I be calling her mommy Stog, can you read the last five things that you just posted in the... An observer's thoughts on Thalassio, aka Reportal Etiquette by a male. The desperate wife's guide to blowjobs and wishing for another man. If you dehydrating in the fucking desert,

you need my fucking G's, okay? Revive my balls. You give them mouth to mouth. You save my balls from drowning. You are Pamela Anderson. Stunk! I know I ask you this a lot. What the hell is wrong with you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't spoil the surprise. Don't criticize him because he's like, he's auto-generating us content. Like, if we don't have anything on the internet, it's just like, well, let's just read what Stog's been typing. What's on your mind? Just blurt out the first thing that pops into your head.

And we'll discuss it. Just go. What's on your mind? Just blurt out the first thing that pops into your head. And I like that Stog's mental voice when he reads things, like his own writing, is some kind of Middle Eastern kind of thing. I thought it was French. French or something. Vaguely Eastern Hemispheric. Yeah, it's sort of not American. Yeah.