The F Plus - 293: Problematic Sex Toys

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

Some years ago, we covered some of the sex toys on offer at Bad Dragon. But now this is an entirely different thing. We're taking a tour of different places on the internet, all of which want to you to have sex with truly horrifying objects. This week, limited edition F Plus toys are available in chafed anus.

Uh, Jimmy Franks, do you have a song you want to sing? Maybe. Oh, okay. Novelty dildos, novelty dildos, fucking them all night long. Shape like an alien schlong, fucking it all night long. Yep, yep, this is it. This is definitely it. This is it.

This is it. This is it. It's the F+, it's Terrible Things, they're right with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. The Hippogriff. Equine-inspired design with slight peppering of feline around the head and small vestigial bumps down the shaft. Jimmy Franks. Cock-a-doodle-don't.

Kumquats up! Stop feeling the FOMO and add a little BTC to your BDSM today. Nutshell Gulag! Please note that because they do not come with a retrieval cord, we do not recommend eggs for anal use. He's your friend on the internet and his name is Adam Bozarth. Sir Lawrence is a mechanical dragon powered by steam and a knight of the royal court. And Lemon. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, botplog!

Hey, F+. Hey, Lemon. Hi, Lemon. Hello, Lemon. Hey, how is your emotional well-being tonight? Turgid. Pretty good. Wait.

Your emotional well-being is turgid, Pretty good? Your emotional well-being is turgid, Kumquatsop? Flaccid? Yes. And how did it get that way? It became excited

and moist. Wow. I am lost in your metaphors, sir. I think you're confusing emotional well-being with something else. Well, that's my name for it. Oh, okay. Baby, you don't want to see my emotional well-being. Well, I think that I can help us all in our discovery through this crazy little thing called life.

Dearly beloved. So this is a document that we've had in the hopper for a little while from Lady Frenzy. And it's a document that we've touched on a couple of times. We've never dove into because we didn't really feel like we were we were ready for it but i think that i think that we're finally ready for this and i think that what's what's going to happen is by the end we're going to feel a lot more full all right lemon are you about to take us are you about to take us on a voyage of self-discovery well i'm about to show you the tools with which you can have a voyage of self-discovery? Well, I'm about to show you the tools with which you can have a voyage of self-discovery.

We're going to really take a good hard look inside ourselves. Okay, so this document, once again, provided by Lady Frenzy, and thank you so much. This is a document called Novelty Dildos. The Novelty Dildos document.

If you go to THEFPL.US and you're looking for the document, the very first thing you'll see is an animated GIF. I'm not going to tell you what that animated GIF is going to be. It's the worst thing ever, and I hate it. I can't stop watching it, really. I think I've seen it in an 80s horror movie, honestly. It's very Cronenberg. Now I'm imagining it with Lemon's voice, because I've been staring at it for so long.

Why? Whoop. So we're going to be going to a bunch of different sites here. These are all sites that have different sex toys for different but similar purposes. And they all have kind of unique takes. And the first one is really, really, really horrifying to look at. So, Boots, if you'll start us off with this terrible, terrible, terrible dildo named Dylan the Dolphin.

Yeah. I'm sorry to say this video is unavailable. Oh. Dylan the Dolphin. Incognito mode needs to be introspective fuck it I forgot to put incognito mode on so this is my browser history I never do

as you emerge into the light of the warm day you look to the west and see standing there on the sun-drenched beach a large anthro-dolphin. He sees you looking at him, slowly turns toward you. Placing his towel on the back of his beach chair, you notice a slit between his legs. As he looks you over, you can clearly see the slit darken, and then a tapered tip emerges. So the dolphin is suntanning? Yep.

Okay. After he dried off. Yeah. Suntanning and getting horny. Okay. Then a tapered tip emerges and slowly lengthens, pulsing and jumping with his heartbeat. You go home and fuck yourself with this thing instead. beat. You go home and fuck yourself with this thing instead.

Suddenly, it begins to spread open, and from inside of it, another tip appears and slips slowly from the first. Veins and ridges appear and begin to swell as he walks toward you. Oh, he's walking now. The tip

moving slowly as he can see how prehensile the dolphin is. The ring where the tip joins on the shaft now swelling to resemble a knot. The entire dolphin is prehensile? Yes. Okay. As you look over the shaft, you can clearly see the folds under

the shaft and the ridge going along the edges of his pseudo knot, then tapering back to a smaller area behind the knot. Oh, you're all visualizing this, right? I mean, I kind of actually. Good. Dylan is sure to make a splash wherever he goes.

And the tapered tip is sure to make for an easy insertion. And the pseudo knot is good enough to give you a great deal of pleasure. Oh, your pun is funny. No, thank you. What colors is Dillon Dolphin available in? It is available in some colors that are listed somewhere. They sure are, yeah, on the site. Oh, there we go.

Yep. It's black, blue, red, flesh slash peach, green, orange, brown, gray, and white. You know what? That sounds good, but I would like white. You can order it in soft, medium, or firm firmness. This dolphin penis is too hard. Could I get Dylan the Dolphin in natural coloring? Well, you're going to have to pay an extra five bucks.

That's fair. That's fair. Five bucks over, what's the price? 85. Sure. Cool. It's in stock. Lemon, you can't put a price tag on quality. This guy just did.

Here are some images of it on a small fur rug. Yeah, it's two pounds. It's ten inches. Yikes. With a circumference of not specified. Fantastic.

A circumference of surprise. Well, that was gross, but I'm sure this one won't be. Adam, this product is called the Kangaroo. This one's got a scrote. This is not a good color combo. Here's a fellow that'll definitely put a little bounce in your step and a bend in your walk. He's straight from the plains of Aussie land and he's sure to show you a good day. If you know what we mean.

Introducing our kangaroo, our very own Rude-tastic fella. He's a hoppery guy and he's got more than a bounce in his step. He's willing to show you around his backyard. Of course, it's a pretty big soul. Try and not get lost. He's definitely...

Yeah. Lost? Where would it get lost? In the outback. The dingo ate my dildo. Yeah, but if you throw it right, it'll come back to you. Where was I in this terrible impression?

Terrible impression? What do you mean? I just assumed your Australian friend took over the microphone for a minute. Oh no, it's been me the whole time. Not get lost. He definitely knows his way around, though, so he's assured to keep you in good hands, and good hands he shall keep you in. What? He's not...

It's a Zen cone. He's not one to let anyone get out of his sight for any reason. He's certainly more than eager to show you his down under, and he's assured to get a crikey from more than a few blokes out back steakhouse. You're writing with the script in one monitor and a checklist in the other one. Yeah, Australia thing. Vegemite! That's what they use for lube.

That would be bad lube. Bad lube. Can you read the first sentence of the next paragraph? Oh, I have to click the link. Ew, so terrible. It is, it is, yeah. The balls are sort of like a fun beige, and then the dick is the color of pink slime.

He's casting off slick and slippery silico material, assuring that he's not going to blunder any of your buggery. His smooth taper is a show to slip right in, letting anyone that's fortunate enough to play with his bloke feel why he's known far and wide for those strong legs of his. Frost and deep, he uses

his iron legs as leverage to push the curve length inside, letting anyone know that he's gonna go for the help, and he won't stop till he's all the way there well kangaroo is assured to be a special treat for anyone willing to take his offer and he's certainly not a disappointment he's ready to become your favorite Aussie treat and he's certainly got the bounce in his step to do it. I feel like you lost your sort of

pitch there, because the very beginning was the actual description of the dildo. Yeah. Then halfway through, you invented a kangaroo that this was the dick of. Yeah. Then you went back to describing the dildo itself. Consistency, man! It's important in copyright.

I got Wilson, me fantasy, they ain't me! Also 10 inches long with a usable length of 7 3⁄4 inch. A shaft width of 1.5 inches. 3.8 centimeters. All right. We're going to do one more from zoofer.com, and this one goes to Kumquatsop. Kumquatsop!

Oh, yes, hello. This is a $90 dildo. Can you tell me about it, please? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. It's got quite the bend to it. It looks diseased. I realize this is an audio podcast,

but I highly recommend anybody on this website, on zoofer.com, on the page of the thing, click on the actual image and see. Too much detail. The pop-up has a little extra wiggle bounce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really nice. I like that. Bo-yo-yo-yo-ing. Bo-yo-yo-yo-ing. Bo-yo-yo-yo, yeah. That's really nice. Wow. All right.

Come close up. What do you got? The dragon. For a long time, people have trouble sleeping. Whether it be from anxiety or stress, sometimes we just can't sleep. So fuck us to death with this terrible dildo. They do look awfully pointy. Yeah, it looks like a scorpion stinger. I think this was in the Brotherhood of Nod logo.

All right. While other times we sometimes wake up for no reason. It's said that sometimes, late at night you can hear him.

The creature of the night. The creature of the night. Creature of the night. Looking for just the right person. Occasionally moving from home to home as his heavy breath and reverberating footsteps shake the ground. Are you describing the BFG right now? No. No.

He doesn't visit everyone. Just a few each night. But those that do get to see him are shown his true nature. Horror. He's a terrible fuck dragon. He's not vicious, no.

No. But shy. Cre creeping around in the dark trying to find a friend to play with here at zeta pows we tend to work all kinds of hours making our beloved animal dildos and just so happens to stumble on this hunk of a nightly creature roaming our halls early one morning. This is the worst Hans Christian Andersen story I have ever heard. You know, I don't really care for the dildos, but I do love the lore. Just like a kindly Geppetto-type grandfather making...

We spend all kinds of hours making up an animal dildo. Because we care. They're hand-cobbled. They couldn't get the Forgotten Realms license. They had to make their own system, you know. We call him our gel dragon. Okay. And boy, is this guy

friendly. He was all too eager to show us his stuff and we weren't disappointed one bit. But then we cut his dick off and sold it to people? I'm disappointed in all of you. He's cast in our slick gel material,

so he's assured to slip right in with his tapered and angled crown this beast of the night is gonna hit all the right spots and that unique curve lets him unleash his true nature brining pleasure

I know you're giving me your assurances does that mean that I get a refund if it does not slip right in? uh yeah you gotta submit video evidence. Brining pleasure to anyone's nighttime adventure. Ew. Pickle brine.

Yeah. Of course, we also know that not everyone likes a curve, so we can remove it when making this dildo for you. Assuring that anyone wanting to ride this hunk all the way to his luscious ridges can without a care in the world. You should have more care. It should be pointed out, this dildo, if you look at the fourth picture, it has a 75-degree turn halfway through.

Yeah. It's called the prostate exploder. Do not want, no. It's like a baby's arm, but an angry baby's arm. No. No spoilers for later in the document. It made it worse! Our very own dragon is a really unique guy,

ready to be the knightly pleasure that many keep coming back for again and again. Knightly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, just once a night. Like, don't do it twice a night yeah but just once that was great

I really liked that a lot it was really sexy and good but you know I think we've had enough of that so F plus you can all breathe a sigh of relief because what we're doing. Oh, we're done? A sigh of relief, because what we're doing right now is we're leaving Zufur. Yay.

We're leaving Zufur. Throughout the rest of this episode, we won't be going back to Zufur. Isn't that great? It should be, but I have this horrible feeling of impending doom. I just don't know why. It's interesting. I saw a dildo in the first act, so.

So I'm going to use it in the third. So we're going to be going to another site called Frisky Beast. That's Frisky hyphen beast. Their logo is the Jurassic Park logo, but it says Frisky Beast. Life finds a way. Yeah. Wish for death. Yeah, so we're going to be going to

Frisky Beast here, and nutshell, this product here starts at $30, a measly pittance of $30. I bet it's made of high-quality materials. Sure, sure. And it's called the Hump Break, the Class 2 Kaiju. Will you tell me about it, please?

Okay. Well, admittedly, your first day on Kaiju Island had been lackluster, to say the least. Hours of boating about with nothing to show for it, aside from some frustrated notes and blurry jellyfish photos. Just when you were ready to call it a bust, something smacks hard against your boat. It's a dick! And you yell, oh no, it's a dinghy! It's a dick! And you yell, oh no, I'm a dinghy!

Did you hit something? Or did something hit you? You scramble to the side and peer down just as a glowing lavender eye, or six, darts away. Your gaze follows and then rises just in time to see a massive fluke swell from the waves. You freeze for a moment, awestruck by its size and unusual shape. This was no typical whale.

But before you have time to fully process the sight, the tail slams down on your boat, breaking it in two. Luckily, your relatively lightning-quick reflexes save you and your camera, and you leap from your shattered boat to the shore, more or less. Scrambling safely onto the beach, you turn and you turn just as the cetacean-like kaiju breaches

again, finally giving you an eyeful of its unusual body. Six fins, a long jagged fluke, horns? It could be called graceful, even beautiful, if it hadn't just proven itself so dangerous. Your camera begins clicking away.

The creature's many eyes gaze at you over this earth, as if amused by your sudden, hapless situation. And as if to add insult to injury, it flips onto its back, displaying a previously unseen portion of its anatomy. You pause. Then part is she on?

Then your camera clicks again. Hey, at least now the office couldn't say your photographic report wasn't thorough. So then there's a whole bunch of photos of these dildos, which comes in many, many fun and vibrant colors. It looks like something from the Dr. Dreadful Freaky Food Lab. Yeah, it does. This sounds like a very eventful day in Kaiju Island. As you scroll this carousel over to the right,

you get the photos where it uses a beer can as a size guide. Yuck. In several cases, bigger than. Frisky Beast brand beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was, of course, the backstory, which confusingly is important in all of these fantasy dildos.

But this first paragraph here underneath tells a little bit about the actual mechanics here. Would you go into that, please? It says, Hump Break is designed with cetaceans in mind. Ooh, that rhymes. And borrows key characteristics from their unique anatomy.

The tip provides a slight curve perfect for exterior simulation and is just as effective for G-spotting and prostate play. The tip flares slightly before dipping inward again and is accentuated on the front with shallow plates and on the back with a cluster of tantalizing nubs. Whales have plates. The lower shaft features a slightly thicker swell, excellent for spreading when the toy is fully inserted.

A narrow base makes it for easy grip and can be folded to fit through many O-ring style strap-on harnesses. Oh, yeah. Fun sex play there. Try hump break in one of its naturals, pseudo-orca, No!

or dolphin, or its unique GIT-UV reactive specialty, Breach. Ooh, glow-in-IT slash UV reactive specialty, Breach. Ooh, glow-in-the-dark dicks, yay! Special thanks goes out to Larry Draws. Hi, Larry Draws, for once again providing us with such wonderful character art. Larry Draws was also kind enough to provide us with the teaser images previewed before each kaiju this event. Yeah, so then there's a drawing of this hideous prehistoric humpback, but armor-plated humpback with a giant dick pointed at you.

It's like a Final Fantasy monster that wants to fuck you. Well, don't they? Most of them, though? Only metaphorically. Oh, okay. All right. Jimmy Franks. Yeah! I'm going to give you a choice mean... Oh, okay. All right. Jimmy Franks. Yeah. I'm going to give you a choice here. Oh, boy.

We're going to do one more from the Frisky Beast catalog. Okay. And you tell me which one, which dildo you'd like to read about here. There's the Spinosaurus. Yeah. All right. Yep. The Dino... Dino Dicus. There's the Spinosaurus Yeah Alright, yep The Dane on Dino-nichus

Okay, the Dino-nichus Thank you That sounds like it That could be erotic That's the dinosaur that they called Raptors in Jurassic Park Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow Check your beard, Boots I think it just grew on you.

Yeah. I like dinosaurs. All right, fair enough. And one more option, just in case you want it, is the Mosasaurus. You know, I'm going into this blind, and I've had enough choices to know that the only way to win is not to play. What? No Archaeopteryx? But I'm going to go against my gut this time

and say the Spinosaurus. Very exciting. Alright, well let's see. We know what happens when Jimmy Franks chooses, so let's see what happens when anti-Jimmy Franks chooses. The Spinosaurus. Okay, so maybe parasailing solo wasn't your best

idea, especially over such a remote part of the island. With your sail caught in the branches, you struggling to untangle yourself and finally resort to calling for help. The last thing you were expecting was a thunderous roar in response. Thud, thud, thud. Trees sway and birds scatter as something massive approaches. When the beast bursts into view, you recognize it instantly. Much larger than a T-Rex.

With a long snout, sharp claws, and a proud fin. It had to be a Spinosaurus, the apex predator of the island. It had to be a Spinosaurus. Before you can even shout for a different kind of help, one swing of those talons sever cords holding you up. You fall to the ground with an oof. But thankfully, you're met with soft dirt and leaves. When you manage to look up, you can only see your sail still clinging to the branches.

But soon you find yourself... Is this a choose-your-own-adventure book? Yeah, exactly. Get to the dildos. But for some reason I'm not getting a choice. But soon you find yourself staring into the golden eyes of your savior.

Toothy jaws pull into an oddly human smirk and he rumbles, Yay, dick jaws! Help, huh? Here, let me lend you a claw. I don't get it. Oh man, and all of these, all of the dildos on

Frisky Beast come with their own drawings. And I know that, Jimmy Franks, you did not choose the Deinonychus, but if you would have, there is a drawing of the Deinonychus. But if you would have, there is a drawing of the Deinonychus sitting on a rooftop with an art on, which is a genuinely hilarious image. It is Frisky Beast the Deinonychus is a funny image.

He's so happy to have that boner. I don't know about you guys, but these Dayglo things are giving me a craving for saltwater candy for some reason. I was thinking saltwater taffy, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good. Yeah.

Yeah, either of them. Okay, so we're going to be leaving the Frisky Beast website. We're going to be moving on to a new site. New site. Entirely new. You know, don't come in with any sort of preconceived notions, because this one's called Geeky Sex Toys. Oh my god, so random.

Yeah. They're having a Halloween sale at the Geeky Sex Toys. They want your email address, so you should probably just type that in there if you wouldn't mind. Is it a ninja dick, a pirate dick, or a robot dick? It's a bacon dick. No, it's a zombie dick. It's a cheese dick. It's a bacon dick. No, it's a zombie dick. It's a cheese

dick. There's a couple categories here in the geeky sex toys. Dildos, of course. Vibrators. Anal toys. Bondage. Penetrable, as in things that you put your dick into. And swords. Penetrable.

An entire category of swords. But I want to tell you about the Pokemon. Great. One of their weekly featured products for Halloween is a skull cock ring. Is it just a cock ring with a skull on it? It's a cock ring shaped like a skull, you know, just in case you're like a men's rights activist YouTube blogger. This is a metaphor! There's also a pumpkin butt plug and a

silicone paddle that's shaped like a tombstone. This is also a metaphor. Anyway, so the low, low price of $199 will get you the Pokemon. I gotta get them all. Become the ultimate

Pokemon master with your new silicone friends. Can't choose between them? Select this option to catch them all. This purchase includes a pikey, charming, bulby, and squirty. The PokeSex data below has all the information you need. Okay, and then it says, double asterisk, please read in your best pokey sex voice. So this is, this is gonna be my best

pokey sex voice. Bulby. A grass-type Pokemon. Bulby has a large seed tip making it a very pleasurable friend to have. Charmy. A slightly thinner

fire-type Pokemon with a flaming tail. Charmy, a slightly thinner fire type Pokemon with a flaming tail. Charmy gives intense orgasms everywhere it goes. It's pointy. It sure is. Very pointy. Squirty, a water Pokemon. Squirty has a smooth round head with a large grooved turtle shell

on its back. Great. You know how turtles have dicks and the dicks have turtle shells on them? We all know that. You know how you want to be fucked by an entire turtle? That's what

I call pizza power. Pikey. This small electric type anal Pokemon is a perfect size for the average Pokemon trainer. Pikey is an extremely cute, yet essential addition to your team. The shipping, there's flat rate shipping.

$15 worldwide flat rate shipping for orders under $75. Not so bad. So yeah, $200, because otherwise you're going to be spending $70 a piece for any of these. So that's all cool and exciting and really good. But this whole time that I've been doing this,

Boots has been finding things. Boots, can you tell me a couple of the products that you found here? Because you've definitely seen a couple. Oh, no. Well, there's the Mighty Moaning Angel Rangers, which are a series of very uncomfortable-looking butt plugs. Yeah, but you found a a vibrator too, right?

Oh yeah, there's the Darth Vibrator which appears to be a Hitachi magic wand that looks like Darth Vader. Sure. That's super fun. The most recent thing I found was the Dick Pool Bondage Kit

which is a red and black themed set of gags, binds, and whips. I really love being spanked. I think it's really fun to be spanked.

Kumquat could tell you a lot about that. Yeah. I think you should be spanked um i could tell you a lot about that yeah um i think you should be spanked with the game of moans game of moans sword with the subtitle under it winter is coming oh dear oh it's a dildo sword called Game of Moans. Yeah. I find George R.R. Martin's plot lines writing to be really trite. I like a more elaborate science fiction sort of ass whipping. Oh, well, then you should definitely get the tart ass. No! Yes? I have two words for you

What's that? Bitcoin butt plug Finally I've been trying all this time Sold You can't purchase it I'm sold! You can't purchase it in bitcoins. Oh, they also sell, there's a bitcoin dildo, which is a dildo that very uncomfortably has the bitcoin logo embossed halfway up the shaft.

And a bitcoin ball gag. And a Bitcoin ball gag. Oh, that's a serious metaphor. Stop the presses. What's that? Stop the presses. Maybe the ultimate the ultimate stupid sex pun for the low, low price of only $69 you can get the

hand solo. Which is a Han Solo in carbonite fleshlight that you can fuck Han Solo in carbonite lube up your blaster and thrust it Chewie that's not that's not a good idea Lube up your blaster and thrust it, Chewie.

That's not a good idea. He's not frozen in carbonite. He's frozen in silicone. They make it very clear. The feeling of soft, squishy silicone with smooth internal ribbing makes you feel like you're on Cloud City. It looks like his head has come off. When they put him in, it looks like they beheaded him. You may also like the blue LED laser sword dildo, phallic,

the dildoa, the R2-V2, and the space station ball gag. How have they not been sued yet? It changed the name of everything. It's a parody novelty item. Sued by who? This is all original geek material. If any of the rights holders to these properties wanted to sue them, they would just... Listen, I know that BBC owns the rights to Doctor Who.

Why would they be annoyed that you can put a Dalek in your pussy? Well, no, I just feel like they would want a piece of that action. Oh, I see, I see. The Dildota is a Yoda Dildo. Yep, yep. see yeah the dildo is a yoda dildo yep yep uh there's a sailor moon wand that's a dildo there's mjolnir which uh you just put the handle of the uh of the hammer in your butt so uh it's we've talked a little bit about how sexy science fiction is right and that's true

because science fiction is of course really sexy um and so for only 69 you can get a dildo that looks like the chest burster from alien oh no oh great that's sexy thing sexy the thing that makes me think of sex. Remember how much you rewound it because it was so horny? It was so arousing. Alright, well, I think that we're gonna have to move away from geeky sex toys. But by the way,

geeky sex toys, I mean, congratulations for being the dumbest thing that we've seen so far. It's like if ThinkGeek made sex toys. I was going to say the exact same thing. It very well might be the same company. It might be. But we're going to move on to that. We're going to go to a site called Primal Hardvare.

That's W-E-R-E, Primal Hardvare. Which means Primal Hardvair. That's W-E-R-E, Primal Hardvair. Oh, great. Which means Primal Hard Men. Yeah, and so... Here's what I'm going to tell you right now. For some reason, Lemon, you're having a hard time communicating. Yeah, so... Loss for words. So all of the different examples of dildos that we've looked at at this point and different sex products, you've seen the photos of all of these things.

And here's what Primal Hardware is going to make you think. All of those were super normal. So. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, my God. You're just jealous, Lemon, because you never thought of such a good way to use those Jell-O Jiggler egg molds

when it's not Easter. Speaking of... Nutshell. It's me. Hello. I think we're about to enter the Nickelodeon slime zone. Oh, good. Hello. I think we're about to enter the Nickelodeon slime zone. Oh, good.

Yeah. This product is significantly bigger than a 12-ounce beer bottle. Jesus Christ. Will you tell me about the galorp? The galorp. It's a galorp. Galorp. It is a galorp. We've scoured the reaches of outer space and the depths of the deepest caves

to find ovipositor specimens for your pleasure. Do we need to explain ovipositor? What is an ovipositor? An ovipositor deposits ovum. It leaves eggs inside you. So you're saying, what are you saying here? I'm saying that from my understanding on this from the beginning of the document, that you're designed to either make, I think you make your own eggs out of...

Gelatin. Out of gelatin. You insert them into this thing. You insert the thing into you. And then the thing inserts the eggs into you. Oh my god, that's so horny. Wow. Man, that's horny.

And now you've got big chunks of gelatin inside you. Yay! I'm so glad. Wow. Or they could be made of jade, too. Your jade yoni egg. Well, yeah. I mean... It's galorp, not goop. Exactly.

Gaoop. Gaoop. Okay. Keep going, please. We've scoured the reaches of outer space and the depths of the deepest caves to find overpositor specimens for your pleasure, yet some say these are just too small for their tastes. Clearly, we had to step it up.

In our attempt to jump through time and space, we accidentally ripped a hole into a nightmarish parallel dimension, crawling with all manner of hellish beings. Some of them slipped through before we could close the rift, and we found several of our scientists writhing on the floor in what we first perceived as agony, only to find it was actually mind-blowing pleasure. What's happened to our dildo scientists?

In an almost unintelligible ramble, they managed to describe the creatures that had caused their blissful stupor. We have compiled enough of their testimony to replicate what we feel is an accurate likeness of the creatures' appendages that were used to fertilize our crew.

The long central member is hollow and is used to deliver large spherical eggs, while the shorter feeler tentacles around the base tickle and massage the area around the insertion site, simulating the host to be more receptive to its offspring.

By large, I just looked this up, it means 2 3 8 inch diameter. Whoa! I mean, if you showed me a picture of that black one, I would have thought it was a bong, honestly. Why can't it be bong?

Oh, Kumquat's up on their Twitter right now. Oh, no. Looking at their product testing. It's Glorp and Barley interacting. Oh, no. A replica is made from medium firmness silicone for the shaft and firmer silicone for the feeler tentacles, which allows them to stand upright and caress you during use. This thing is huge!

And not for beginners. Know your limits. And in little tiny print it says, This item is sold as a novelty only. We're not responsible for how you choose to use it. only we're not responsible for how you choose to use it. I love the idea that like somewhere in the primal hardware labs like somebody's making this just fucking massive ovipositor that people are going

to be putting inside their bodies and then one of his coworkers comes over and goes uh she's probably with tentacles on the bottom of it you know just so it's kind of got a hook you know otherwise it's just another ovipositor that you stick into your vagina. It needs a base or it's going to fall down.

Nutshell, there's a couple tabs there. If you click on the tab that says Build Yours, because this is all custom built. Yes. And so what sort of color choices do I have? Well. Just give me some of these color choices if you would. Let's see.

There's natural canine. Oh, good. Healthy pink. Natural. Light pink. Lightish black. Rosy butt cheeks. Darkish white.

Black holes. Seaweed. Darkish white. Torch flame blue. Hard hat. Chafed anus choking hazard brown eye

supernatural that really chafes my anus neon lipstick hot poker cartoon pussy fake grape flavor red light caution tape

tentacle monster red rocket banana milk jug primals choice single custom color or custom pattern Red Rocket, Banana, Milk Jug, Primal's Choice, Single Custom Color, or Custom Pattern. Listen, as a rich person who needs to match the interior of my Bugatti with chafed anus leather. That's not it, though. That's not all.

For $5 extra, you can add metallic additives. Oh, good. I need lead in here, please. And glow additives. They don't have any funny names for these. They're just metals. I would like my alien cloaca to match the intro to Saved by the Bell, please. Or, again, for $5,

you can make them glow. Okay. You can get some egg molds. You can get your own egg molds and an egg insertion tool. What's the egg insertion tool? It's to put the eggs in. No, no, no.

It's to put the eggs into the thing before you put the thing into you. But this thing is an egg insertion tool. No, no's to put the eggs into the thing before you put the thing into you. But this thing is an egg insertion tool. No, no, no. You insert this into the ovipositor. But then what do you use to insert the egg into the egg insertion tool that inserts the egg into the egg insertion tool? It's egg inception. This is the beginning of Pee-Wee's big adventure now.

Wakes up in the morning. Molds an egg. Good morning, Glorp! No, you know you'd call it Glorp-y. Of course, stats, it's 12 and a quarter inches with a usable length of 11 and a quarter. Tip diameter

is just over two inches. Tip circumference is seven inches. There's a bunch of different measurements of different parts of the shaft because it's just all over the place. The internal diameter is seven-eighths of an inch. But if you click on fact, there's a couple questions here. I'm not going to ask you all these questions.

I'm not going to ask you all these questions. There's five different questions. I don't need to ask you all of them. I just want to ask you this one question, nutshell. Are they safe for anal use? Well, we are not doctors and cannot comment on Are they safe for anal use? Well, we are not doctors and cannot comment on what is safe for you. But the idea is that

if you use plain gelatin eggs, per our instructions, they should melt with body heat if they become stuck. Yeah, that's the idea. Does it prove out? Well, I guess you'll take your word for it. I don't know why you wouldn't just use sugar-free flavored gelatin. Why sugar-free?

J-E-L-L-O. Because if you use the kind with sugar in it, you're going to get a yeast infection, lemon. Well, yeah, but I mean, at this point, I'm doing so many terrible things to my vagina that like what's one more you know uh Adam so that product of course was Glorp

yeah this one's called Squeak no it's Squeak Squeak it's another one of these yeah yeah yeah spoiler alert it's another one of these. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert.

They're all one of these. Primal Hard Vare has a thing. Squick worms can only be found in the deepest, most depraved recesses of space. Until now. We bring you fresh specimens from the planet Triple X to bring you an impregnation experience that's out of this world the squick worm seeks out warmth and moisture to insert its fleshy tube-like appendage and lay its eggs pushing them as deep as it can to provide a suitable environment for its young though it may look intimidating the nubs and rid to provide a suitable environment for its young. Though it may look intimidating, the nubs and ridges prove

to be quite gentle and pleasurable as it squeezes and ripples its way up in and bulges as it pushes forth its offspring. Which will hatch in a few months and consume you from the inside. As always, the squick worm is made

from body-safe silicone. It's a bit smaller than our other ovipositors and it's designed to deliver one and one-eighths inch gelatin eggs. Don't fuck it up and put the different eggs in there. This item is sold for novelty use only. We're not responsible for how you choose

to use it. I was looking around. There's a whole bunch here in the catalog. Will you tell me about this product I just found here? It's the Tonguitackly. The Tongtacle. That would be a

Tongtacle. Come on, baby. Just one kiss. Starting from $130. Are you ready for a new kind of oral experience? Now you can lick all the parts of yourself you never could reach. Brutus tends to fall off the couch when he does it. Inspired by those hentai movies we all love, and here for your enjoyment is our 36-inch tongue,

complete with sublingual veins and light, bumpy texture. Imagine the warm, soft, and silky feeling of a tongue wrapped around your member or gliding along your clit. How about a French kiss that could make an aardvark blush? Did you get horny at that scene in the mask? No. Can I get mine in Chuck Jones pink? Comes in cartoon pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be good enough, right? In addition to, what was the first one was called?

Glorp? Yeah, so there's the Glorp, and then, of course, the Squick, and then there's also the Splorch. Anyway. It's a Mad Magazine cartoon. They're all sound effects from fucking Mad Magazine. I'm forgetting the artist's name. I'm drunk.

Al Jaffe. It was Al Jaffe, right? Yeah. Sure. I'm sorry. Is something getting in your brain and you can't quite get it out? Well, let's go to a cute one. This is a nice cute one.

This is called the Thicket. And Jimmy Franks, can you tell me about The Thicket, please? Oh, I'd love to. I would love to tell you about The Thicket. That'd be great. That'd be great. In fact, I hope that you're ready to hear about The Thicket because I'm going to tell you about it.

Good. Good. Good. Now. That was great. Oh, dear God. Shy and reclusive, the mythical deer dragon, or Deergon, can be found in mountainous meadows and woodlands. Encounters with humans are rare,

but when deer-gons choose to make themselves known, they can be quite affectionate. Thicket is a particularly friendly example. With a bulbous textured tip and ribbed shaft, his thrusts provide a satisfying plethora of sensations unlike anything you've experienced before. Are you ready for a mountain experience? It looks like one of those little rubber stress dolls

that you squeeze and the eyes and ears pop out. Hey, F+. Hey, Lemon. Are you interested in looking at Primal Hardware's inflatable section? Not really, but here we are. Great. So if you're looking for a more interesting and dynamic dildo, try our inflatables. The firm silicone core in the middle of the toy with the soft outer skin creates a great lifelike feel that won't collapse down during insertion. The cushion of air between the knot and the inner core does

collapse, allowing for easier insertion, and inflating locks it tightly in place once it's in. Oh, dear. Oh, the optional lube tube simulates ejaculation or gets lubube in deep

where you need it. Boy, I sure hope nobody overinflates this and has it pop inside them. Because that's when you need lube the most is after it's already in. Once you pop, that's great. So I think you were saying I think you were saying That you wanted to hear about

The Big Bad Wolf Inflatable What do I? Is that what you were saying? Okay great So Boots Boots would you Oops I'm sorry That was the wrong thing here

So Boots would you Tell me about the Big Bad Wolf Inflatable? Sure. Great. Thank you so much. Oh, there's a YouTube video. Go ahead.

Here's a wolf fucking Little Red Riding Hood, so I'm turned on, obviously. That's not the YouTube video. Nope, nope. Makes it those are different thoughts. My, what a big dick he has. Clever. Good, good. My, what a big dick he has. Clever. Good. You've heard of him lurking in the woods, lusting after goody-laden travelers.

What? A traveler laden with goodies. Yeah. This big bad boy sports a firm but flexible core and soft outer skin for an ultra-realistic feel. The knot has a cushion of air between the outer skin and the core and will squish down to about 9 inches around, or 3 inches wide for easier insertion. Oh, yeah, that sounds easy. That sounds real easy.

It's all relative. That's beginner mode dildo right there. The core goes all the way through from tip to base, so the overall toy will not compact down much more when inserting the knot. The Big Bad Wolf is available in several different configurations.

All options have the dual firmness core system as described above. Versions without inflation simply have the knot that is filled with air. It will compress down a bit during insertion and pop back into shape once it is in. Yeah, I would assume. I would assume it would. The optional tube allows the passing of fluids through the toy to simulate ejaculation.

It comes with a 60-milliliter syringe and several feet of silicone tubing. Nice. It's the extras that are really getting me. The inflation option allows the nut to be inflated up to 12 and a half inches around. Want a softball up your ass? No. You know ass no practice with this sure I guess

it comes with a high quality US made neoprene latex free inflation bulb with a release valve see it work here YouTube video so what are you up to while grandma's at bingo I have a question that people are frequently asking for you Boots So what are you up to while Grandma's at bingo? Oh, God.

I have a question that people are frequently asking for you, Boots. How far can I inflate the knot? We recommend no more than eight pumps of the included inflation bulb. Okay. Good. Eight pumps. That seems very... Yeah.

Please note, full inflation is considered eight full pumps. Further inflation can potentially damage the toy we don't care about you yeah oh no because clearly you do not clearly you don't care about yourself clearly you don't care about you either these are individually handmade and due to complexity take longer than our normal toys to make please allow extra time for shipment. Yeah, man, there's so many different categories of these. There's what I believe is the, it's either the sandworms from Dune or the thing from Tremors.

So, you know, you can have sex with that. So I do have a question. Yeah. Right. So in many of these descriptions, they keep saying it has like a lifelike feel or authentic. So do they hire somebody on the assembly line who is just like, yeah, I fucked a gremlin and a dragon and a Dracula. Like, I know the difference between real and fake. Yeah, well, no, you have to, because otherwise

when the Consumer Reports people get at it, they will be mean. What's that job interview like? I haven't seen that on LinkedIn. It's a quality insurance sort of thing. Yeah, I mean, reach for the photography, Jimmy Franks. You can land that job. I will endorse you

for monster fucking. So this dildo with full features and custom coloring comes to $250. Job posting listed on humanmonster.com. Introducing Petunia, a penetrable tentacle maw. Feel its textured throat squeeze and slide over your shaft as it milks you dry. Made of incredibly stretchy platinum silicone. I'm sorry. Yes, platinum silicone.

Okay. Cleanup is a breeze with mild soap and water, and it can be boiled to disinfect. That's not how disinfection works. mild soap and water and it can be boiled to disinfect. That's not how disinfection works. It can easily engulf a beer bottle so one size should fit most. Great.

Yeah. Coming very much down to the end here but we got a tiny little bit here to go. Oh dear. Okay. Deep breaths. Okay.

Oh, God. Yep, that's Petunia, all right. Hey, Adam, I have a question for you. My question is, which of these rabbit asses would you like to fuck? There's a girl ass and a boy ass. Yep, there's two different choices of rabbit asses that you can fuck. Lemon, if you were going to categorize rabbit asses, what sort of word would you use? I mean, is there a category?

I don't know that there's a category. Yeah, there is. Oh, no, the category is humpables. That's in the category of humpables. If you want a humpable, and by humpable I mean only rabbit ass. Oh my god, you're right! There's only two things in the category that are both rabbit asses! That is the Watership DTF category.

The black rabbit is coming! The black rabbit is coming! Rabbit is coming. Anyway, which of these two rabbit asses would you like to fuck? Would you like to fuck bunny buns or would you like to fuck barley? I don't know. This is not okay.

It is not okay. It's up to you. You get to choose. You get to choose. Choosing is important. What's not okay about it? If you don't like one, just choose the other one. Adam, if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. You don't have to do that.

None of these are okay. Bunny buns. Well, then, if you... Oh, my God. the picture of petunia covered in sticky lube if you scroll through the images you get a shot by shot enactment of a beer bottle being shoved in this thing what's the tagline of bunny buns want to see how far the rabbit hole

goes starting from 110 dollars why not hop on over and try out our new bunny buns. This bunny has been intricately sculpted. Sparing no details, our super soft premium silicone feels amazing as you sink into tight, soft warmth. Gentle internal ridges lend just enough texture to allow you to feel every inch as you slide in. Are you ready to see what's down the rabbit hole one size fits most please note that due to the nature of this molding process for

this toy many custom colorations are not possible if you want something beyond a simple color or a metallic glow additives, please email us. My favorite thing about Bunny Buns is that you can get it glow in the dark on the inside. Yes. So that it's a fuck toy that lights up like a jack-o'-lantern. So you can see the butthole in the dark. so you can see the butthole in the dark. Hey, Jimmy Franks. Yeah.

If you'll click on that link, there's something I want to tell you. Hey, Jimmy Franks, I want to fuck a cactus. Can you help me out with that? Are you sure you don't want a cactus to fuck you? You know what? As long as it happens, I don't care who's the top. It's okay.

Fine. Don't worry. We removed the spines for you. Starting from $80. $80. Introducing Pedro the cactus He's modeled from a San Pedro cactus and was one of the worst things we could think of that people might want to play with Now

you can enjoy the sumptuous soft silicone bumps and ridges without the ouch Pedro is available in medium firmness. And in the natural colored shown. Jimmy Franks, that was great. Now I want to fuck a chicken head. All right.

I want to fuck from the shoulders to the beak of a chicken. I want to fuck just the head of a chicken. This is Pecker. A little harsh looking. Nah, this chicken's tender. Starting from $50. Made from gentle soft silicone. It'll surprise you with all the

textures only a rooster's head can offer. Oh no. From his nubby comb to his pendulous waddles and even down the length of his generously detailed feathery neck, we guarantee he'll have you crowing for more. Pull this out next time you're feeling broody and show your partner the true meaning of giving head.

Oh. Very good. Very good. Don't be a chicken. Order now. Available in plain barbecue ranch or special sauce. Chicks love it. Hey, Nutshell, I'd like to fucking-

Not one cock joke. Not one. Not one. It's surprising. I mean, they really haven't held back on a lot of these other ones. No, no. The guy that got hired to write these synopses, that's a bit on the nose.

Yeah. In a nutshell, I'd like to fuck a clam, by which I mean like a razor clam. I'm sorry, Lemon. You're out of luck. There was a clam that you could have sex with, but she's been retired. Oh no!

Yeah. Oh no! They got sued by clams. Thank you for your service, Molly. Cockles and muscles alive alive-o. Oh. Live Alive-O. Oh, well, that's too... It's like a Beanie Baby, right?

They do additions and then... So Molly's probably really worth a lot on the used market, if you can find her. If the fuckable clam is retired, what about a dildo that I put in a light fixture? Can you get me that? That sounds like a really dangerous idea, but yes, we absolutely can. Good.

Oh, that's so good. I think it's just a glow-in-the-dark dildo that looks like a light fixture. Yeah, it's just shaped like a light fixture. Oh, is it shaped like a light fixture? Yeah. Bring some light to where the sun doesn't shine with our silicon light bulb and fixture. My butt just had a great idea.

They glow bright green in the dark, providing the perfect ambiance for a late night romp. Plus, they're safer than candles. If you get a bit rough and knock them off the headboard, they won't light your bedroom on fire. They're also a lot safer than sticking a light bulb up your butt. For those more adventurous, you can find creative ways to turn out the light.

Our brightest idea ever. Available in standard and torpedo-style bulbs. You could get a whole bunch of those and put them up for Christmas. This is not plenty. Oh, yes. Hello. I'm going to paste a link in here in a second. And all I want you to do is read the product name and and the product tagline okay

what it's just the product name and the tagline directly below it and the product tagline all right very good shirt it's a fucking shirt sure it's a fucking shirt maybe it's a fucking shirt. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a fucking shirt. Oh, they're the Hanes shirts, so they are cheap ones, too. From the frequently asked questions, what brand are they and what are they made of? Cotton and soda bottles? No, really? Doesn't ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Doesn't that make you horny? They claim to keep 50 million soda bottles out of landfills each year. I want to put them up my butt! Go! Yeah, so the thing that Lady Frenzy closed this document was the Bad Dragon Labs.

For those who aren't familiar, Bad Dragon is a company that I believe were the first on the scene to do horrifying monster dildos. We covered them at some point, maybe like in the 40s. For those who aren't familiar, hi and welcome to the F+. Yeah, this is what it's like most of the time.

But anyway, so there's a laboratory section where they can have like sort of sort of user-submitted. Like a coloring contest? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. For rubber dicks? Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool.

The Blaze Creative Flavor Contest. Yeah, so there's, like, sort of, like, these terrible sketches. Like, well, it's sort of like a Steam Greenlight situation. Oh, good. The terrible sketches get submitted, and then they can kind of get upvoted. There's a Steam-powered dragon dildo that looks a lot like the monsters from Day of the Tentacle. Give me that toot toot. but seeing as how we're not going to go through many of these

I just want to do this one because I feel annoyed that I didn't get the clam from Primal Hardvair so Adam this is well you tell me you tell Adam, this is... Well, you tell me. You tell me

what this is. This is Barney the Clam with a sneaky tongue by Tonic. Sometimes you fuck the clam and sometimes the clam fucks you. A certain clam wants to violate your most private places with its tongue

and wants you to enjoy every second. The bulbs on its tongue glow in the dark. Why is it so hard? And the smooth, supple pink flesh of his strongest muscle will turn your most delicate, sensual place into virtual putty. It's six inches in size, and it's six inches face to tip, and it's two inch wide base. And from the references, I was doodling it, and like unusual, like usual, I was doodling it and like unusual like usual

and this masterpiece just popped out of the deepest depths of my depraved mind I love the note on it though it's very cheerful glow in the dark yes this talk glows in the dark

yes queen this dog glows in the dark yeah scream uh fuck okay uh f plus what did we learn from this people stick a lot of weird shit in their their bodies they sure do i'm just still like like just

bewildered by the uh the the the multiple insertion process of the O-Opositors. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so first you have to craft the egg, then you put the egg in the egg inserter,

and then you insert the egg inserter into the O-Opositor. It reminds me of when you go to the toy store and they have the Rockenbach display and you, like, drove the little dump truck around and, like, dumped the things in the loader and then you drove the loader over the ramp and then you put things down the ramp

and then it fell down the ramp into your butt and everybody wins. It's Mousetrap the dildo. I find it interesting that they all like to have that flavor text of, you know, like, from the deepest depths, the monster

looks at you with a lustful gaze. Listen, I don't want to be fucked by anything without a scenario. I guess, yeah, these people would probably consider themselves intellectuals. I found... Says so on their fedora.

I found bewildering, the most bewildering part for me, was the predilection for beverage containers as standardization for things to insert in. Well, I mean, okay, so if you wanted, like, a recognizable cylinder, right? Like, I feel like beer can, beer bottle is pretty easy.

Like, what would you do if you wanted to have, like, a recognizable cylinder? What else would you use? Can of Pringles. Why isn't that one? Yeah, but that's just going to give me sexy ideas, though. Why isn't that a sexy thing? Yeah, exactly. Why isn't that one Yeah but that's just gonna give me sexy ideas though Why isn't that a sexy thing that yeah exactly Why isn't the Fuck the can of Pringles

I bet there is one A living can of Pringles I bet if you googled it right now you'd find a Pringles flashlight There we go But can you pop the Pringles into your pussy Sounds not good I did get a YouTube video

of a guy who shoved his fleshlight into his Pringles can so his mom wouldn't find it. Would you be surprised to know that that guy has anime posters all over his wall? That sounds like a great way for your mom to find it. Oh, ranch flavor! I love those! Oh, no! for his wall. That sounds like a great way for your mom to find it.

Oh, ranch flavor. I love those. Oh, no. Tip for viewers, don't Google Pringles dildo. What happens? What happens? Yeah, see? I'm not. I'm definitely not. Wow.

Apparently you can get that all the way in an ass. Is this the dark web? It's written all in Cyrillic. Our website, of course, as always, thefbl.us. Ballpit is our forum, and it's a fun place. And by the time you listen to this, there will be merch.

Really, really cool merch. We've got passports. We've got fetish catchers. And we've got hoodies. A bunch of hoodies. And they are the nicest hoodies that I've ever personally touched. They're terrific. So please get yourself a hoodie and some other stuff.

And then live your life. Just live your life. Just live your life. Do something else. Go outside. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or go somewhere else that's inside. That's fine, too.

Enjoy some nature. Also, don't stick dangerous things in your body. Goodbye. Goodbye. Yeah.