The F Plus - 303: DIY Junk Machines

Episode Date: May 9, 2019

For well over a decade, John James has been committed to a single mission: Disrupting the economics of the global sex industry by innovationg solutions of upcycled aftermarket parts. By that, I mean that John James makes things for him to put his dick inside of and then recommends that you do the same. It's a very squishy episode, and also there's drawings. This week, The F Plus adds bumps to our brainy zildo.

Sadly, the turkey baster yogurt cum shot link, there does not appear to be a working version of it in the Internet Archive. Then why do we even have the Internet Archive then? I'm going to be around my vegetables. I'm going to chow down my vegetables. I love you most of all. My favorite vegetable. Okay, okay, is everyone else gone? Are they all gone? Okay, my favorite vegetable. Okay, okay, is everyone else gone? Are they all gone?

Okay, great. Listen, this is the F+, it's terrible. Terrible place. There's terrible things, but we're going to read them with enthusiasm. Come on in. All right, so we've got Boots Rang here. To see how you can construct your own squirting mechanism, check out our article, Turkey Baser Yogurt Cumshot.

Jimmy Franks. Step three, lube and enjoy. Jack Chick. This device measures the speed and force of your fingers real time compared to the most known master worldwide, Marcus London, who was programmed into the patented sport watch. Poor Tex. Happy birthday, I invited myself here. I brought a cake you could fuck. And lemon.

Then, lay down on the stools, face down, one stool under your chest and one under each thigh. This allows your package to hang down. Use one or both free hands to fondle your double dong in whichever manner you prefer. If you want, you can tip your head forward to look underneath. And watch the action. Ah, yeah. Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon.

Hi, Lemon. Hey, hey, everybody. How is your sex lives? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say you share a sex life. How are your respective sex lives? Our collective sex life is excellent, Lemon. Thank you. Oh, no. When you. Oh no.

When are you joining our pod? Oh no! I forgot that you're a poly! The cuddle parties are actually really good. How many are in your pod now, Jack Chick? 17. Oh dear! We spend

actually 200% of our day processing. That seems like... We got Frank West and Lemmy. I guess at least you save on rent. That's got to be good, right? Yeah, but nobody's actually having any sex. We've progressed beyond that and instead just talk about our relationship all the time. That's the thing.

Yeah. I mean, with all these polypods, you recognize that, like, just talking about your feelings is the good part. Right. No, exactly. And so we have more opportunities to do that thing. Anyway, I'm going to improve your collective poly's sex life. Have you ever thought about maybe spicing things up a little bit? Yeah. I mean mean are you thinking like

bring puppets into the processing? I wasn't. No, Muppets. How dare you? I am not cheap. Oh, creamy. Jim Henson's son would probably approve that too. Yeah.

So this is a document given to us a while back by Cat Examiner, and I'm pretty excited about it. This is a document called DIY Junk Machines. So it's about recycling. Well, that's a good guess. It's a very good guess. No, I was thinking

like Junkyard Wars, but like you know, like the backyard wrestling version. Sexy Junkyard Wars, but like, you know, like the backyard wrestling version. Sexy Junkyard Wars. It says DIY junk machines. And then in subtitle, it says putting your junk in slash around slash near slash with stuff you build yourself. So this is getting sexual pleasures, you know, in a reduce, reuse, recycle kind of way. Very earth conscious.

Very earth crisis. Reduce the dick crap. Very very good have to walk the straight edge hey uh lemon i just have one question before we get into this is this going to improve the chances of me going full lawnmower man by fucking a robot i yes absolutely yeah yeah i'm

on board the trajectory that you're on jimmy franks i gotta you, this is the next step. This is the automatic next step. You finally get to fuck Pierce Brosnan in cyberspace. I will be one with the singularity. We're gonna start things off on a site you might be aware of. It's a very good site, and it's called Yahoo Answers. Yay!

Oh! Yeah, we're going to a lot of different places in this document, and I like a lot of them. Okay, so I'm just going to start us off here. My name is Yahoo Answers. Anyway, this is in health slash women's health. I need a homemade sex toy?

What? The fuck did this happen? It's like, how much more? Like, she opens up a letter up the letter and like, what? I need a homemade sex toy. I'm thinking like crocheted. Man, I really fucked up my TurboTax this year.

Do you have supply of some sort? Okay. My husband is in Arizona dirt bike ridding with his brother and he won't be back for another two weeks. Well, we usually cuddle, then have sex. Well, obviously I can't and I don't want to buy a sex toy. I don't have a cucumber, a banana, or

anything like that. I have a toothbrush. Oh. What should O use for a toy? I miss my hubby. Just buy a banana? I'm just picturing the guy running around Arizona, and this dirt bike's just following him everywhere.

He's like, I just can't fucking get rid of this. Go home. This being Yahoo Answers, most of these are going to be anonymous. But Boots, you've got the first response here. Oh, good. Oh, and this is the best answer? No. No,ots, you've got the first response here. Oh, good. Oh, and this is the best answer? No.

No, no, this is not the best answer. The best answer is tampon or the end of a hairbrush. From a decade ago. You know, obviously things have changed since then. From one decade ago. Here's a response that was seven years later. My name's Heidi. I found out from my sister-in-law since her husband is so friggin' lousy in bed,

she uses a handheld massager thingy. You know, the kind for backs. We both got matching ones for Christmas last year. I haven't tried anything other than my hand. I like the left one best. I'm right handed. When I use that hand, it's too tense,

but I discover that when I use my left hand, it's a bit more relaxed and has a mind of its own. Hope I've helped. Does the leftorium sell vibrators? It's a Christian store, so no. Well, it just, you know, it just has to sell them euphemistically.

It's a back massager. Hey, this is CutiePie410. Hey, CutiePie. Hey, you can use fingers, hairbrush handles. Also, you can put a spoon or fork in the freezer and then use the handle when you take it out. Oh, my goodness. Or use the shower spout. It's amazing.

It's going to be like the guy with the puzzle pieces all over his body, looping the light through his nose. It's just going to run through your whole system. Oh, my God. That frozen fork. I'm just imagining that scene from Christmas Story. Ow. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Why would they? Okay. Ow Exactly Yeah Her husband gets back And she has to explain the $600 Emergency room bill You should have just gone to Amazon And bought a dildo like a normal person Okay, you're gonna feel a little tug Alright, so We're now going to move away from Yahoo Answers

We were there for long enough. We're going to move on to archive.org. And that's because archive.org means... Some public domain blueprints for sex toys. So it needs to take us... It's going to be those old-timey black and white stock footage of machinery. Technology improvements in Jagging Hop. It needs to take us to the website to take us to uh the website that

doesn't seem to be around anymore uh www.homemade-sex-toys.com uh the url still exists but the account has been suspended for reasons that are beyond me um so we're uh specifically looking at the july 2nd 2008 archive of this website. Document on the FBL. Anyway, so, Portex, you've got, this is a section that Cat Examiner has called, Get a Thing and Fuck That Thing. Get a Thing and Fuck That Thing. Okay, that's great. So you need to fill a hole.

You've got a product that you want to tell us about, and the drawings are the best. The drawings are the best. Oh, hang on. We got to hang on. I got to. The clip art, though. The clip art.

This is old timey. Oh, the drawings are magnificent. Anyway. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. All right. So auto fellatio. Step one. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Alright, so... Auto fellatio.

Step one. Lube up some PVC pipe. Note, this could be dangerous. Proceed with caution. Take a piece of PVC pipe insulation and cut it the right length to fit your dick. Am I using the pipe or the insulation? This is like pool noodle, basically.

I mean, how am I going to know that if my dick isn't in it? I've cut PVC pipe before, and I am very aware that the edges of it are very rough on the end. No, I think we're just dealing with the insulation. Yeah, this is it. Oh, okay. It should be tight so no air will leak out. Step two, pump and suck.

Start pumping your dick and suck on pipe at the same time until you're really to come. Really to come. Or keep going if you'd like a taste. All right. So if you can come so strongly that it shoves its way through an entire pool noodle, then, like, congratulations, man. You've got really good suction.

Yep. Is it like those waterworm things that you put on the end of the hose that kind of wiggle around all over the place? The drawing just looks like Beetle Bailey is blowing himself. I mean, Lemon, that idea seems really kind of crappy. I think that I have a way better idea.

Oh, great. I call it the soap hole. The second drawing for soap hole is very good also. Yeah, it is. Okay, so step one. Drill a hole through the center of a bar of soap about the size of your dick. How big is the bar of soap about the size of your dick. How big is the bar of soap?

More or less. The larger the bar of soap, the better. And better to err on the side of a too small hole rather than a too large one. And in the drawing, the guy is holding the bar of soap, and then he's pushing the electric drill into it. Into his head. It's clearly just going to go straight through the palm. Yeah, well, you know, it's worth it for the stigmata. Get the soap wet, this is step two, and pump away.

The edges of the bar of soap feel like a woman's lips squeezing gently down on your cock. When the hole gets a little too big to stimulate your cock, just use it to bathe. Huh. All right. Other people. bathe. Alright. Other people.

Jimmy Franks, that was gross, and I think that the reason why it was gross is that it was from a man's perspective. Can you give me a woman's perspective? I want some homemade sex toys for women, please. Okay. Yeah, you bet. Beach ball. Sorry. We're all going to keep seeing the drawings on the screen. Beach ball Alright, you fucking Philistines

Beach ball Step one, blow up a beach ball Take a small beach ball and fill it about halfway up with air Fucking blow it up Blow up a fucking beach ball Step two Get on top You want to know more?

Actually I I want to hear all of this Place it between your legs And pull up a pair of fairly tight pants Leggings or hosiery If the ball is still too soft Or is in the wrong place You can take it out

And blow it up some more Be careful not to burst it with your nipple clamps. What? Once it's in a good position, find an arm of a chair or something and sit on it so the ball is right under your clitoris and bounce on, rock on, wiggle on, and squeeze the ball. Nice. Very good. Only takes me a few minutes to have an amazing orgasm. Be careful, though.

Do you sell, like, branded, like, Morbid Angel beach balls that you can fuck? Or just, like, ones from the credit union? I don't think anybody in Morbid Angel has ever given a woman an orgasm. It's an anal cunt beach ball. Yeah, no, they're much more likely. Be careful, though, because if you blow up the ball too tightly, it can split at a seam and lose air when you start bouncing like mad. But that danger can add to the excitement.

You never know when it's going to burst. Jimmy Franks, that was really informative. Thank you so much for telling me about the beach ball. Beach ball. It was a really good sex toy, the beach ball. Beach ball. I would like to compare and contrast it with another sex toy. So can you give me the description you got there in the sidebar right there?

Can you give me a description of the balloon rub? Can you? Yeah, how's the balloon rub work? Balloon rub. Step one, fill a balloon with warm water. Fucking get a balloon, fill it with warm water, and tie the end. Yep. Right? You following me so far, dummy? All right water, and tie the end. Yep. Right?

You following me so far, dummy? Step two, put lube on it. Put baby oil or KY jelly on it. Step three, rub away. Rub it against your clitoris. The noise that makes it along with the pressure and the heat will get you off in no time. The noise?

Yeah. Absolutely. Nothing sexier than a set of balloons. Oh, my God, that erotic sound of balloons squeaking. Like, the noise that it makes and also the pressure against your genitals. Mainly the noise. Yeah, the noise is number one. The other two female sex toys.

One is fuck a blanket. And the other one is put a dildo on a banana and fuck the banana. Classic. And then we're going back to the drawing. What a condom on a banana. Okay. Sorry. That one is really good.

Sorry. What was that? The one where the guy's fucking a watermelon is just really good. It's pretty mad. Oh, yes. That one was covered in F Plus Live. Yeah, it was covered in F Plus Live, but there's a drawing. Because the magic of it is that not only do you carve a hole in a melon and then fuck the melon,

the real magic is that you microwave the melon first. And there's a drawing of the man excitedly waiting for his melon. Yeah, waiting for the watermelon to come out of the microwave. All right. Okay, so those are some pretty quick hits here, but we're going to learn about how to make a homemade. Oh, never mind. Okay, this is another page on the same site.

This one exists um so uh homemade sex toys um boots i'd like to learn about how to make my own diy homemade sex doll all right sure uh my name is john james there's a big about me in the in the right i look definitely british i look i. Boy, you're British. Mm-hmm. Okay. Instructions on how to make your own DIY homemade sex doll. And then at the bottom you have the real life equivalent of those emoji homunculus you can make.

Yeah, yeah. But sexy. Want a custom sex doll but don't have the $3,000 to shell out no problem you can build one with off the shelf parts for a fraction of the cost is this the ideal love doll or

Bride of Frankenstein well we'll let you be the judge it could really be both you just get a wig I would say am I the only one who's getting an animated gif It could really be both. You just get a wig. I'd be leaning in one of the directions. Am I the only one who's getting an animated gif ad for the world's first mail-sucking wishy?

No, it's the autoblow 2. Yeah, the autoblow 2. Alright, we're all... Just making sure. Further down is a fleshlight that seems to move itself in and out of a prop from the fifth element.

Yeah, holster. Yeah. Sorry. Some assembly required. Life like dildos and pocket pussies used to be the limit of realistic sex toys, but innovations like Cyberskin started the proliferation of body parts in adult toy stores.

You name the appendage and chances are some porn star has theirs immortalized in rubber. We wouldn't be surprised to see Jenna Jameson's tonsils or Tara Patrick's appendix for sale. We decided to take things to their logical conclusion.

What would happen if you put all these parts together and tried to build a person? You're a killer. You're British. The modern porn methia. The modern porn methia? Yeah, yes. Yep.

We constructed both male and female versions, but there's no reason you couldn't mix it up any way you want to suit your needs and desires. Very fun. Want the dicks coming out of the eye holes? We can do that. We can bravely say that the results that we got came really close to today's modern and very expensive sex dolls. If you have the patience and are at least semi good at handling some tools you could easily replicate our work so yeah so the the general idea is like uh buy like a department

store uh mannequin um and then sort of like uh glue uh uh different things onto it um so we want to get this thing out because it sounds good um. Oh, boy. I think... Scroll down. I think, yeah, there's some really good pictures. But I think that for this thing that we're going to build here, Boots, I'd like to get a mouth. What sort of mouth should I get for it? Sure. Mouths. As far as we know, you can't get an entire synthetic head to use as a sex toy, which is just as well, because fucking a decapitated head would be creepy.

And you want to avoid that. However, you can get a blowjob simulator in the shape of a lifelike male or female mouth alone with a chin and nose, which is still kind of creepy. No, you think? And then that's actual text.

The male and female mouths we got were pretty deluxe the female had an optional tongue stud and the male had a mustache which shed tiny hairs all over everything so the pictures they have the female mouth looks like you know realistic ish enough and then the mail mouth is just plastic, like brrrr. Yeah, but the mail mouth has a Freddie Mercury mustache, which is really special. The mail mouth is snidely whiplash. The mustache is all fake, like Groucho Glasses style mustache.

It's like fake-looking felt. It looks like something you'd buy at the dollar store. Exactly. So then there's move down to, you can buy breasts So then there's... Move down to... You can buy breasts, obviously, but let's move down to the hands and arms. Would you please?

The hands and arms. For those who enjoy fisting, Doc Johnson offers the most realistic hand-slash-forearm models. One in a clenched fist and another in the duck-a-bill hand position. Oh, my goodness. Oh, see, can you put googly eyes on it?

Everybody just do that now by yourself and then picture that going into you both are more suited to a male doll we find it we find we sorry we did find a smaller female fist and some cyberskin hands for jerking off since these toys are right hands only your love doll may look slightly but it's not too noticeable. Guys, I found an underserved market. I didn't know until this moment that you can buy

a fake hand for fake hand chops. Yeah, but only right hand. Fuck that. Because we've learned earlier that the left hand is the better one. Oh my god. Oh, it's like there's actually a hand on my dick. Well, as we've covered in the F Plus before, the hand job is the pinnacle of sexual experience.

That's true. That's true. That's true. Take the vagina section, please. Sure. The vagina section. The best fake pussies are cyber skin. Some vaginas include an anus also.

Sort of a vaginanus. These can be difficult to place on a doll so that both orifices are accessible, so we recommend getting the pussy and ass separately. We used a handheld masturbator with realistic vaginal opening. That's great, that's great. Okay, so we've talked about, you know, some sort of like some stuff that's just there for, you know, aesthetics, but can you just

talk about the sexiest part of the body? The feet, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. One of the strangest sex toy mutations we've ever seen is a masturbator shaped like a woman's foot with a fuckable vagina on the sole. Yay!

Is that where that goes? A vagina on the sole of the foot. That's my favorite Paul Simon song. A pair of these would be ideal for this project. But when we got one out of the box, we realized that there were two problems. The feet are about four inches long and five inches tall.

Yeah, great. Awesome. And they're all right feet. Oh. Oh, no. Then my fuckable foot won't look realistic anymore. My friends will make fun of me. My sex robot keeps walking around in circles, and I don't know why. We hunted down a realistic foot fetish product, Serity's little piggies a set of rubber feet

cast from a porn star they look like uma thurman's hoofs large and bumpy oh boy but that meant that that's that's a that must be a reference what uh or is this like does like uma thurman have oh her feet were featured pretty prominently on Kill Bill. Apparently you forgot about Quentin Tarantino's particular predilection. You know what, I did forget about that. Yeah. I just remember her feet being large and bumpy. But that meant that they can work for both male and female models.

Oh, terrific. And then, so then you, there's photos of them assembling it. And then the very last photo is the female sex toy fisting the male sex toy. As their tongue's sticking out, just... And he's all... Anyway, anyway, anyway. This same site... This is what sex looked like.

Has some homemade vibrators that we can learn about. Portax, you tell me, which would you rather read about? Would you rather read about the classic cucumber DIY vibrator or the papaya pussy? I guess I'll go with papaya pussy. Okay, tell me about the papaya pussy, please. Alright. I will find this. Hang on.

Alright. Here we go, okay. Papaya pussy. The super slick flesh of this fruit combines with smooth, slippery seeds, creating a sensation you won't see again. Oh, I didn't think about that part! Yeah, we ain't going seedless.

Oh, no! Select a ripe papaya long enough to fit your penis, but small enough to hold comfortably in one hand. Cut a hole in the round end, not the stem end, a little smaller than your penis. Remove most of the pulp and loose seeds from the inside. Most. Most. Remove most of them.

Not all. And then put watermelons in. Leaving some attached to the sides to make ridges. Ooh. Great. Oh, great. Oh, boy. The papaya is ready to use at this point, but you can also add vibration. At the stem end, cut a small hole through the meat of the papaya perpendicular to the tunnel. And slide a small bowl of vibrator.

Voila! Dinner is served. The guests will be so pleased. Honey, the boss is coming over for dinner in a half hour. You've got to cook something. This might be embarrassing to admit, but I've never fucked a fruit before. Do you think there was any sort of like A-B testing as far as like the papaya versus like a star fruit. Get a durian.

Yeah, exactly. And then it can choke you out and that'll be perfect. Surely the most forbidden fruit. It would be legal, I don't think. Jimmy Franks, you were looking at the English cucumber double dildo. I was.

I was talking about that place. Yeah. You and a friend can share your love of produce with this two-ended toy. Select the longest English cucumber you can find. One with a curve to it is ideal. Near the center of the cuke, carve out two small holes in which to insert your bullet vibrators. You can leave the vibrators sticking up a bit to nudge your clits.

We added some textured jelly cock rings for extra stimulation. Mmm. Wait, are you gonna fuck that cucumber? No, we're gonna fuck that cucumber. Together. With the power of of friendship all things are possible while poor tex was reading you found something yeah uh uh like i don't know somehow it was probably added to the website after you said that out loud yeah and they just knew somehow but we've got the starfruit passion yes you, you do. Potato battery not doing it for you?

Yes, indeed. This one was tested. This tropical fruit is just the right size and shape for an exotic sex toy. Select a starfruit that is underripe and firm. Cut a small hole in the stem end and hollow out a cavity just big enough for a bullet vibrator. Insert the bullet. Yeah. If it's not waterproof, you may need to cover it with plastic wrap.

Oh, but that ruins the intimacy, you know? I just can't feel togetherness with my vibrator. Plastic gets in the way. Light some candles, pour some red wine. The starfruit's ridges are perfect for gliding along your clit. John James would know. And produce unique sensations when inserted. Well, thank you for answering my question.

I was wondering, like, why the mango and not the starfruit, or the papaya and not the starfruit. It turns out that starfruits are for ladies, you stupid idiot. Jack, what do you have? I have the bell pepper asparagus clit vibe. In general... Do you have to have that, though? Can you take it back?

You have that. It's haunted. It will come back to you. It's like a boomerang. You make it and then you're cursed forever to have that. In general, it's best to stay away from peppers when making sex toys from food, but we made

an exception for this sweet red bell pepper. Oh my god. A green bell pepper will not work. Do not even think about it, you fucking asshole. Why? Why not? Why not? Too spicy.

If you're going this route, like, what difference does it make? To make this toy, carefully cut the bell pepper on the diagonal so that the bump inside below the stem remains intact. Remove all seeds and trim the inner membranes around the protuberance. With a quarter or knife, cut around the stem and remove

it, leaving the rest of the cap intact. I love hearing, I love knowing that we're reading descriptions of vibrators and just hearing words like protuberance and knife. Yep. With a quarter or knife. Did I already say that?

I don't know. Whatever. Carve out a hollow where the stem was and insert a bullet vibe. For an optional anal tickler, cut out a small hole below the vibrator and insert a sturdy stock of asparagus with the base wider than the tip. Science has proved this is quite exciting. The asparagus can rest against the anal area. Uh-huh. We don't suggest inserting it, but if you do, cover the entire toy with a condom in case the stock breaks.

Oh, so you don't get impregnated by the condom. Put a condom on the asparagus somehow. Hey, why asparagus and not broccoli, Rob? It's seasonal. This was written in the spring, not the winter. I believe in farm to asshole. Hey, what do you know? So does Portland.

Hey, my sex toy is called the one potato, two potato. This hefty yam promises to be mighty filling While a small potato serves as a side dish Cut an apple or two off the end of a yam or sweet potato If the other end is pointy, carve it down and round it off If the other end is pointy Lemon What? Yeah Okay, you said cut an apple or it off it's the other end is pointy lemon what yeah okay you said cut an apple or two oh that's the british measurement no um use an apple core to remove flesh sexy uh you or the no it doesn't say from oh no it does say from the inside of the yam

carving out a hole long and long enough and wide enough to insert a slim vibrator. The dual vibrator had an attached bullet, so we slipped that into a Yukon gold potato. Also cored out past the butter. The applesauce. So are they suggesting you use butter as lube? Is that where they're going with that? Yes. That's exactly what they're saying.

Yes, Jack. That's natural. That's exactly what they mean. You know, I figure these guys would have gotten on top of the coconut oil trend. So, Portex, this is a long one. Oh, is it? So we don't have time for most of this. But if you...

If you will skip down to this phrase, I'm just gonna paste here in Discord. Alright. Oh no. Oh no. Make your own super awesome candy corn homemade DIY dildos at the top

there. Four minute read, 10 year contemplation. It's the perfect curio and conversation starter for your harvest festival. Come with me, come with me some more.

Directions for a candy DIY dildo. In a bowl, sift together powdered sugar, salt, and powdered milk. In a bowl, sift together powdered sugar, salt, and powdered milk.

Combine sugar, corn syrup and butter in a pan bring to boil stirring constantly to prevent burning turn heat to low and boil 5 minutes stirring occasionally

so the main physical product in this dildo that you're making here is corn syrup. Okay. It's more corn syrup than anything else. Okay. What's your daily recommended dose?

So it's probably pretty temperature sensitive is what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Corn syrup, butter, sugar, and then vanilla, obviously, just for some flavor. Yeah, no, absolutely. I just love this because, like, making, and then vanilla, obviously, just for some flavor. Yeah, no, absolutely. I just love this because, like, making

candy is fucking hard. Yeah. So, like, who is the target audience here? Maybe, well, that's exactly the point. Making candy is difficult, and so you have to motivate yourself. You have to know that it's gonna be worth it by the end, you know what I mean?

Right. Guy's just stretching his dick out like taffy and putting it over the floor and stuff. Then I put the molten candy on my dick! It's great! Kooky dickies! Remove from heat and stir in vanilla. Add powdered sugar mixture all at once to the pan.

Transfer to KitchenAid mixer. Oh, yeah, KitchenAid. Yeah, very specifically. And beat on high speed or beat by hand until candy has the consistency of soft taffy. See ya! I called it.

Yes, human, you can stir as fast as a KitchenAid mixer, right? The candy should still be warm and pliable, but you must work quickly before it cools. Oh, my God. I heard once that if you put that guy's dick and Coke in your mouth at the same time, your head explodes. Is that true?

Yeah, that's how Mikey from Life Cereal died. Oh. Too soon. Remove enough to form the white portion of the finished candy and set aside in a bowl. Add yellow food coloring to the remainder to achieve desired shade.

Remove a portion of yellow base for the orange portion and add red food coloring to achieve the desired shade of orange. Oh, it does look like it does. Scroll down to the picture. Oh, my goodness gracious. Scroll down to the picture. Oh, my goodness gracious. Starting with white, drop the candy into greased molds using a spoon or spatula. Allow each layer to settle to avoid air pockets.

By the way, you already have a giant dildo mold. I was going to say. I was just assumed. Yeah. Yeah, man, I've had it for, like, months, and I haven't found a good use for it. Oh, candy! Repeat with yellow and orange layers. Let candy set overnight before unmolding.

For maximum firmness, chill in refrigerator for several hours. And then get out and try this. And then there's pictures of it and it is quite the the... It's a giant candy corn dildo. Giant candy corn dildo. So the candy corn goes inside of you. What's the melting point of candy corn, do you think? It is much less than 98.6. I can tell you that much.

Sounds like a really good idea We're going to be moving into a Fuckdoll forum in a minute That's great You mean our website? I was back in here At the At the archive.org

The homemade sex toys And I found the popcorn pocket pussy To make this movie Masturbator You need one cardboard popcorn bucket, an empty tube from a roll of toilet paper or paper towels, a latex glove, a duct tape, a marker, scissors, and an X-Acto knife. First, empty the popcorn. And googly eyes.

First, empty the popcorn bucket. It's very important. Position the toilet paper tube about two-thirds the way down the side and trace around the outside of the tube with a marker. You can also position the hole at the bottom of the bucket, depending on the angle of your erection. Cut the hole. Now, it's important to know that the actual popcorn bucket that I've chosen

is the red M&M being terrified of where my dick is in. Anyway, draw a small circle in the middle of the outline and mark the circle onto several wedge-shaped, knife-shaped sections. Cut out a small inner circle with the X-Acto knife, then cut the inside lines from the middle to the outer edge of the large circle.

Fold the triangular tabs inward, right? Insert the toilet paper tube into this hole in the side of the bucket. Then insert the latex glove. Fingers first into the toilet paper tube and pull the fingers through the end. Fit the opening of the glove inside the outside of the tube. Using your thumb and fingernail, press the edge of the latex glove. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, make the glove hold on tight to the toilet paper tube.

Stylize the tube. Or, sorry, stabilize. Stabilize the tube. You don't paint it for some reason. With vertical strips of duct tape. Make sure the tape covers the tabs at the end of the glove and overlaps the strips of tape as you go around the tube. Wrap it all with one long piece of duct tape around the tube. Next step, don't forget the lube.

Refill the bucket with popcorn to conceal your secret pocket pussy. Bring along some tissues and individual packets of lube. Then sit back and enjoy the show! This is like showing up at the Cineplex. Sorry, I got my own computer. Yeah, that's fine. I don't see a problem with that. That's okay. I mean, this is why they

banned outside food in the first place. It's because too many people try to smuggle in their own fuck buckets. I got one more from this thing, and okay, okay, okay. I know, I know, I know this has been an episode that's been a little long on laughing at pictures. And to the listener, I am sorry, because that's going to happen one more time. So this is the PC mod case, or the PC case mod.

Once again, we have all these links on THC.us. The Mountain Dew bottle on top of that. The Mountain Dew bottle? That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. What's that? It's a car console. Oh my god.

It's the Homer. It sure is. It's the Homer car console couple. Oh, my God. It's installed on top of it. Isn't that magnifying glass sticking out of it? It sure is. It's the Homer car, but... Okay. Oh, my God. You're right. It's a Homer car with a pussy on the front.

Oh, my God. It's amazing. Okay. Tell me about this product. Once again, THAFBL.us. We've got links. Oh, God. Who's telling us about this? Oh, sorry. Jimmy Franks. Jimmy Franks is what I meant tous. We've got links. Oh, God. Who's telling us about this?

Oh, I'm sorry. Jimmy Franks. Jimmy Franks is what I meant to say. Let's face it. Being a dedicated gamer can be lonely. Sure, you have your EverQuest clan or your Quake buddies, but... Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Obviously, you're wrong. Because obviously, it's like 1999. But communing with fellow gaming geeks doesn't fulfill certain needs. Someone's never been to a convention before, apparently. At the same time, it's hard to tear yourself away from the computer long enough to chase tail and engage in archaic but obligatory meeting rituals. Now, you don't have to leave your true love behind. In fact, you and your PC are about to get closer. Much, much closer.

Yeah. We created this case mod to give the truly hardcore gamer an appropriate outlet. Do you love your computer? Really? Really love your computer? Now you can satisfy your passion for PCs and your passion for pussy at the same time. How's that for added functionality? That's some really good alliteration, too.

We took an off-the-rack gamer's PC case and modified it by installing a fake pussy and accessories. Excuse me, an off-the-rack gamer's PC case? Way to be a casual. And we modified it by installing a fake pussy and accessories to enhance the user experience. We decided a lube dispenser would be crucial, as would a supply of Kleenex and a handy place to toss them. Plus, it'd be nice to have a place to hold beverages and a stash of jerk-off magazines or porn DVDs. This must be 1999.

At no point think about your life. Like, you're stopping the computer games to fuck the computer, right? So, like, either way, you're not... No, no, no. It's a tower, so you can just have the tower on the floor, right? You're still playing Counter-Strike, it's fine. You're still playing EverQuest? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why would you stop for that? Well, because it'll mess up the raid, and then you won't get all the good drops. Yeah, no, really, EverQuest is a game that requires lots of action. Why would you stop for that? Well, because it'll mess up the raid, and then you won't get all the good drops. Yeah, no, really, EverQuest is a game that requires lots of action. Leroy Jerkins. Hey-o. Anyone? Anyone?

Yeah, up top? Yeah. Yeah. Plus, it would be nice to have a place to hold beverages and a stack of jerk-off magazines and porn DVDs. Finally, inspired by those small parabolic mirrors that many cube dwellers place on their monitors so they know when the boss is sneaking up on them. What? Why would you have this at work?

We decided to have a rear view mirror. How dare you play video games at work? We decided to have a rear view mirror so you won't get caught with your pants down. Oh my God. Man. Yeah. That's, I mean, you want to know how I built it? I mean, no, I guess you just basically glued a fucking vagina to a case.

That's pretty self-explanatory. While you're reading that, Boots found the female version of it. I do want to tell you, if you want to make your own, you know, the fake pussy we chose from this project is Jesse Jane's Intimate Passages. Good to know. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be necessary. Since the fake vagina in an ass takes up the entirety of the drive bay space, it'll be necessary to install an external drive.

But this is a small price to pay for having a premium pussy in your case. That is a small price to pay. Yeah, the female version of it is even more offensive because it's like a computer that looks like an Easy-Bake oven. It's all pink. It's got flowers on it. There's a bunch of tea light candles in the front of it and a picture of Brad Pitt in the background.

But the thing I really like about it is it has bike handles installed on the side. Oh, you're right. Very uncomfortable angle, too. One of the other products here, there's an entire section on football sex toys, including the foam finger vibrator, which is just, you know, take a foam finger and put a vibrator in it. Now, then there's the foam football vibrator, same general thing. And, of course, the beer koozie pocket pussy And I apparently have to leave the site at some point

First I'm going to click on joystick vibrator Just to find out What the joystick Oh it's an Atari 2600 joystick Cool Which is now disassembled And then Wait and then Oh he just 2600 joystick. Cool. Which he's now disassembled. Right. And then... That thing you have lying around.

Wait, and then... Oh, he just... Oh! Oh, okay. So he disassembled an Atari 2600 vibrator, or joystick, and then just rigged up the vibration parts of it and then reassembled it. So you're actually fucking the joystick. Like the Atari 2600 joystick.

You're just fucking that. Yeah. But it vibrates. Okay. And you put a condom over it. Oh, good. So it's safe. Yeah.

Okay. So, yeah, we're going to need to spend a little bit of time here in the Fuck Doll Forum. So I think this is a site. Oh, my God. I know that we've been in the site many, many, many years ago. We're going to the dollforum. So I think this is a site... Oh my god, I know that we've been on this site many, many, many years ago. We're going to thedollforum.com and... Great.

So, Boots, this story... this... not story, this piece of text... This piece of text... This piece of text is called the fondler colon a slow motion caress ellipsis of your junk all right and my name is super nothing this is an invention prototype working title the fondler

i always loved it what i can get an RG with soft hands and long fingernails RG in this case would be real girl real girlfriend? no real girl, we're on the doll forum right, right, right with soft hands and long fingernails to slowly and gently caress my junk and it is junk

at this point shh at this point after sex or while watching a movie just like a sex doll here's another attempt to check out the gynocentric female control of access to carnal pleasures we have we have a right to as men. God damn it.

God damn it. Why didn't you think there'd be MRA shit in the build a sex forums? Come on. To be fair, this was from a simpler time. That is 2018.

I suppose it could be considered a robotic From a simpler time, that is 2018. Yeah. I suppose it could be considered a robotic extension of your doll that you can build at home. I started with a good quality rabbit fur flogger from thespankacademy.com. I just want to take a quick look at the picture just so I can probably visualize it as the person delivering this to you. That doesn't help. Okay. No. The quality is good, and one swipe over your forehead or nether regions offers an exhilarating and feminine allure.

Removing the D-ring and silver thumbtacks that hold the end cap on and wind off some of the leather strapping that covers the wooden dowel handle. end cap on and wind off some of the leather strapping that covers the wooden dowel handle next i got a slow motion gear motor rated 5 volt dc with only 4 rpm from ebay and a couple couplers that was fun to say also from ebay wow okay this guy's no amateur yeah and half inch half inch emt electrical conduit coupler with set screws to attach the drive shaft to the end of the flogger handle. And unwinding some of the leather stripping from the handle and whittling down the wood dowel underneath it to fit inside the coupler. I used black gaffer's tape to hold the things together, widened diameters for a snug fit. I like gaff tape because it's strong like duct tape. It does not leave residue, so the prototype does not become sticky with readjustments

and re-taping. You know, maybe we should stop here because we don't want to get in trouble like, you know, how on Breaking Bad they didn't tell everybody how to make meth. I just don't want to stand up on a watch list or something, you know. F Plus told me how to make the perfect orgasm. Yeah, we gotta leave a couple steps out. So orgasm is 98.6% pure. And then like a paragraph of fitting the motor in.

Lastly, I used a variable DC power supply so I could adjust the speed of the motor. Poured myself a bourbon, popped in a movie, and took down my trousers before sitting under the tempting torture device proffered by my lovely James Bond bad girl. So April 6, 2018. So Emoji Movie had come out.

Yeah. Was that your choice? Yeah. Naturally. My favorite James Bond bad girl. Poo emoji. Was poo emoji. Oh, fuck.

Oh, my heavenly fuck. What the actual fuck? I have ruined my life. I need to turn myself around. This is just... Oh, what the hell? Oh, Jesus. And now 10,000 words of redemption.

Oh, that'd be so good. To say it feels good is not enough. I may never leave the sofa again. I already don't. The soft bunny fur is in the tree. It's like the lick of a velvet nymph. Oh, my God. Wow.

Punctuated by the oh-so-gentle scrape of the unfinished leather edges like manicured fingernails as they rotate and plop down softly. I played with the speed, reversed the direction for more and differently delightful effects. It feels so damn good that it overloads the pleasure center of my brain to the point that it lost its effect

within about 15 minutes. Yeah, I also feel a little... Fuck, bye. I also feel a little overwhelmed by your description. This is what happened to Jamie from Mythbusters. Adam? Adam, I found my bliss.

I will say goodbye now. I never return Then I took a break After which it was right back To the 5x5 over the top pleasure again Gents This is for real Because one is totally detached from the movement

I.e. not playing with yourself You just sit back and enjoy It's tantalizing and hypnotic, yet fully under your control. 15 minutes. Talk about topping from the bottom. Mm, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. The initial goal was to make the Fondler

as a handheld device that my doll could grip and I'd still want to experiment with retrofitting a flashlight Oh, it's actually a flashlight, okay. A flashlight case that already had a battery holder for four double a batteries but the stand is really handy so i may just use it for a while as a prototype if i if i do go handheld i'll likely want a knob to adjust the voltage slash speed and switch to reverse direction of the wheel by By then, I think I'll still be well under $50 for

total parts cost. Pretty good for our first sex robot project. That's why America is always going to be on top, that kind of ingenuity. I have no intention of marketing these and hope that if anybody

genuinely wants to build one, we can compare notes here on this thread. I was really hoping he'd go on Shark Tank or whatever it was. What other rotating object could be fitted onto the motor that would send you to the stars? Saw blade. So far, I got really lucky ordering cheap parts from China. Frisbee.

Build on, gents, and doll your own way. Doll your own way! Doll your own way. So, yeah, so eventually, so the other members of the forum prod him to provide photos, and he does. And it is genuinely confusing. It's genuinely pretty confusing of just like what exactly. It's like a PVC sort of like apparatus. I think that the sexual effect would basically be like having sex with a dry car wash.

Sort of like an automatic feather dust ring that happens here. Well, and the weird Muppet sex doll, too, adds a sinister element, like it's clues of killers sending the police. And I like that he's been responsible and not included her face in the film. Yeah. Oh, wow. Super nothing, indeed. Poor Tex. From the, also from the Fuckdell forum,

we have a product called the Zildo. Can you take me through the Zildo, please? Okay. Yes, I will be your guide on the Zildo. How wonderful. Okay. Yes, I will be your guide on the Zildo. Hello, everyone. Yes. Zildos came from an effort to figure out the quickest, easiest way to make and customize a personal vibrator. The Zildohimer.

I will help you discover more Zildo. This can be seen as the other end of the DIY spectrum from Comingle's mod. Oh dear, what the hell is this? Which is incredibly powerful but has a much more sophisticated build process. The Zildo is like a self-published gorilla zine of sex

toys. Oh wow. That sounds like disruption to me. Uh-huh. It's Zildo. Zildo Beggins. Elon has so many of these. You have full control of making this fun thing however you want. It's like Build-A-Bear.

They're meant to be cheap and easy to make, like the LED throwy of personal massages. With a Zildo, You can be ready for relaxing time in just about 10 minutes using only some thermoplastic, a vibration motor, and a coin cell battery.

These make for good homebrew bullet vibes and can add vibration to non-vibrating Dildos! Who the fuck is the target market for this? Zildos! My mistake, my mistake. Fellow zildo

heads such as myself. They're self-propagating. The citizens of the zildo land are also called zildos, tools and materials. Most thermomorphs are super non-toxic, but still disclaim not for internal use.

I've talked with some people about this, and we pretty much all think they are just adding this disclaimer because of people who use their product for exactly these reasons and don't want to be liable for anything out of the ordinary. Everyone's a Zildo brain, just like me.

Don't listen to those zildo deniers. I've heard of people making false teeth from this material and they seem to be fine. A mouthful of zildos will keep the doctor away. On the bus

when you're sitting there talking to them. That being said, it never hurts to wrap anything in a condom. Yeah. Anything. Anything. Nothing can possibly be harmed.

Like an asparagus. Start with the feet and work your way up. Alright, do you need the exact instructions? Alright. No, we don't need the products. your way up? Keep going, keep going. The exact instructions? All right. No, we don't need the products. Just tell me a little bit about the setup here.

All right. The setup. Zildo parts. Zildos have two basic parts. The zil and the do. We get together like boop-a-doop-a-doop. The form, the vibrating part that you want to rub against your body,

and the battery holder holds the coin cell and lets you toggle the motor on and off. To build the brain of a Zildo, you will need a bottle cap, a coin cell battery with leads, copper tape, conductive fabric, and hot glue. And a human brain. The Terminator uprising is going to come where you least expect it. Yeah, are we building like a Turing machine in the Zildo? The dick sticking up out of the lava and somehow gives a thumbs up anyway. The goal is to make a Zildo that you don't know it's a Zildo.

No, I will let everyone know about my zildo. However, before touching any of those materials, turn on your heating element or griddle so it's ready to keep your water bowl warm, allowing... Yes. Honey, I was going to make some pancakes, but have you been making zildos again?

Oh, you can still make pancakes. I'll move over. We're making a mixed zildo, allowing for the Instamorf pellets in the bowl to remain malleable. So, hey, let me tell you about how to build the form. Oh, great. No, wait. No, bad.

No, not great. Yes, Igor, please. Tell the masses how you helped me build the Zildo in my laboratory. No, this will be good. This will be good. All right. So, Lemon, step one. The thing is that this is an unpaid internship, too. Zildo in my laboratory. No, this will be good. This will be good. All right. So, Levin, step one. The thing is that this is an unpaid internship, too.

So when are you calling me back about the job? Right after I get those pancakes. So step one is cocksmithing. Well, yeah, we know what step one is. After building the brain of your Zildo, you'll be ready to hand form your Zildo's shape. Because Instamorph is rather

sticky and adheres to most materials, you will need a work area with a metal surface. You have two options for making your form, freehand or mold making. We explain both ways, however this how-to article highlights the freehand route. I'm just imagining Hephaestus building the Zildo on the iron, smacking it with a hammer and sparks flying everywhere.

Yeah, so the freehand mode is sort of squish it down with your hand. I get that. Tell me about the mold making, please. The Instamorph can also be used itself to make decent molds and shapes you might already like First heat up a lot of the Instamorph Like a lot Like how much?

Like a truckload? Like a lot A lot isn't very specific though No it's fine Picture how much you're picturing and then more. Yeah. Okay.

Exactly. Press the desired object halfway into the first block. Really squish it for a tight fit. So you're really squishing a lot of Instamorph. That's how injection molding works, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. You just really squish it for a tight fit? That's how it works?

Yep, yep, yep. Cool everything under a cold tap. This is important. Now take the other warm block and press on it to make the other side of the mold. Like emotionally press it, like gaslight it into it. Remove the original positive. Oh, like gaslight it into it. Remove the original positive... Oh, then you cool it well. Remove the original positive object,

and now you have an airtight plastic mold for making more forms. Hmm. Warm up a little thermoplastic, only to the clay-like state, and squeeze it into this mold. There will probably be some fringe in the resulting mold and it may not look the best, but it gets you about 90% of the way. I'm just imagining

like jackets from the 70s. You may also already have an object that you could attain your desired Zildo's shape without having to go through the process of making a mold. For instance, we used test tubes. See, he is a mad scientist.

Yeah. All you need to do is heat up some Instamorph and shove it into the tube. It would be helpful to have an instrument to push the plastic mass down into the tube, then out after cooling. On your metal surface, easily roll and shape the malleable plastic to a desired aesthetic. After creating the Zildo's form... Vortex. Yeah.

Zildo. Thank you. Allow it to stiffen to secure its shape. Once you have the basic shape you want, you can sand it smooth or add other details like stimulating bumps. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Advanced future steps. Want a brainier Zildo?

Use an AT... Use an AT-Tiny85 with your coin cell and a small proto board and you can turn your toy into an even more sophisticated device. You can program custom patterns or even take it up to three different analog sensors.

I don't want to put different analog sensors. Hmm. I don't want to put it back down. I don't like it there. The remainder of this document has some fun links Cat Examiner gave us. For example,

there's a thought catalog link called How to Make Your Own Sex Your Own Sex Kit There is a website which is just a fun URL time to squirt dot com Like genuinely

the website's a waste of that URL That would be a funner URL And then there's The World's First Sex Machine which sort of looks like a nordic track it's 4 400 good and uh it's a double penetration dual thruster um uh that will fuck you but uh boots i've given you a list of uh of uh of uh things here and you might not know what they are um but i was i was looking at uh one of these and this is a website called a spice up lab um and it says homemade lube how to make your own lube at home and um the uh the uh cover image i believe is uh sea salt so good um so here's the methods

oh okay you're right you're right i'm sorry i'm sorry okay uh so here's the methods of making your own lube. That's clearly lard. Oh, okay, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. So here's the methods of making your own lube at home for sex. There are several alternatives that can be used as a lube for sex. And what are they, Boots? Oh, naturally, aloe vera. Yeah. Soothing. You don't want any other aloe plant.

You want the ones that have, like uh the yellow healing uh yeah like burn whatever uh coconut olive or avocado oil fuck it good shit how about diy water-based homemade lube we'll leave that open for interpretation whatever you want to put water into i don't know kool-Aid fucking jello egg whites meringue I think that's gonna give you some vanilla isn't it I don't know about that that's why you got us the white. Do you have any open sores on your dick? Come on, Lemon. We're not using the yolks. We're fine.

Yeah, but okay. I don't know that you're fine. Nice low cholesterol lube. Chocolate body butter. Oh, no. Oh, no. Here's a recipe, by the way, for. And flaxseed. Here's a recipe, by the way, for something to use for fucking sex lube.

One half of cocoa butter, one tablespoon of honey, and a half cup of coconut oil. So this recipe was great. I substituted the chocolate body butter for just a giant pile of pickle juice, and it was just amazing. The potluck was great. Yeah, I should point out the last one on the list is flaxseed. Not flaxseed oil. Use flaxseed as lube. Go ahead.

Okay. Sure. This was pasted by Jonathan Ross. I like sex toys. F plus, what did we learn from this episode? I think that, like, I kind of understand why Bad Dragon can charge so much for their weirdo dildos. Like, taking a lot of the work out of it, I guess.

I mean, I feel like they, you know, they were big fans of these websites back in 2007 or whatever, and, you know, they were big fans of these websites back in 2007 or whatever. And, you know, just kind of went from there. Yeah. And maybe that's it. They seem to be a little bit older. I mean, although the one that we were looking at with the build your own sex doll, I mean, that was a newish website.

So, yeah. But I wonder how, because there's not really i mean okay so there was the engineer guy with the pvc yeah and i don't know what he built but you know he definitely was very enthusiastic about it but like for a lot of these people i don't know that they're even it doesn't even seem like they're saving money they're just ruining vegetables you know i said it one of the vegetables we didn't cover was, it was an eggplant that appeared to have a kale garnish. Oh, just like for color?

I don't know. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Like, just spend the money and get a real sex toy. Don't make shit that's going to burn or cut your genitals unless that's your thing that you're into. But if that's the thing you're into, maybe, like... I had that toast at my wedding, too, Jimmy. Thank you. Maybe still go for that. Like, I feel like when you're looking for, like,

some sort of, like, apparatus or machine that's, like, sexually based, like, maybe not instructions that are like, it's probably fine. sexually based. Like, maybe not instructions that are like, it's probably fine. Yeah. Like, in nutshell words, this is a thing that you're very attached to, both physically

and emotionally. Like, don't be so cavalier with what happens to it. Well, I think it's really good to have vague instructions. Like, use a lot of, you know, the stuff. because that way you can't fuck it up. Or

use Flexi. And I can't imagine that anybody who's looking to make their own sex toys is already a fuck-up. Do you think these guys show up at Makerspaces? I really hope so. Oh God, do I hope so. Alright, if you've seen one of these at a Mak makerspace, you should come to Ball Pit.

Don't I get to Ball Pit? Don't show us pictures. Just tell us. Oh, show us pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. Yeah, Ball Pit, if you've got a firsthand, if you've got a firsthand story about meeting somebody that was going to the makerspace to build

their sex robot, I will totally give you a free account to post about it, because that sounds fantastic. That is content that we all need to read. THEFPL.US We've got new stickers, probably. Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.