The F Plus - 306: We ❤️ Hearts

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

Cardiophiles are motivated by two things: An intense fetish for the functions of the human heart, and the desire to tell the entire internet that they have a fetish for the functions of the human heart. This week, The F Plus wants to sleep on the left side of the bed.

Okay, I'm ready for this bullshit. This is the F plus pod cast. Terrible things run with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. I am euphoric and horny all at the same time. After all those years of only the doctors and nurses being able to use Lipman's on me, I was only stuck with cheap stuff from Walgreens. I finally got one and I just tried it out.

Frank West! People being choked unconscious or choking on food is a big one for me. Then the Heimlich. Nutshell Gulag! Oh, I am not into sexual things, but I do love the sound of the climaxing heartbeat as well. How familiar!

Bump Girl! Let me get this straight, unlike me Just because I follow recess pages Doesn't mean I'm into it So stop asking And Lemon My chest hurts when I take deep breaths tonight And I should be concerned

But honestly, I'm just turned on When the city's a slave I hear a heartbeat I hear a heart beat. I hear a heart beat. Hey, S+. Hey, Lemon. Hi, Lemon. Hey, Lemon.

Hey, would you say that your hearts feel full? No. No? I've always got more room for love, Lemon. Hey, would you say that your hearts feel full? No. No? I've always got more room for love, Lemon. Always got more room for blood. Mine just ate, so it's good. I got more room for burgers. You need to get your digestive tract looked at. It's like that Bob's Burgers episode.

Frank West, when you say room for love, what is love a euphemism for? Oh, mostly just J-O. Your heart's got room for J-O. That's nice. J-Lo? It's a condition. No. J-Lo.

There's always room for J-Lo. This is a document that I have in front of you that I am terrified to do. Yay! But Boots wanted this one, so this is what we're going to dig into here. Yay! So, yeah. Those of you listening, you might not be aware, but there is a, would you call it a fan cast? There's a fan cast there's a fan

cast of the f plus called extra credit um and they did uh uh they beat us to this they did an episode on uh a topic called cardiophilia and i was on it and yeah yeah oh my god i got a double dose mix found enough uhiophilia content For two documents Gave one to us, gave one to them Thanks Mix And here we are Now I don't know how your Greek is

But I'm assuming you can piece that together That cardiophilia is heart fetish I am already unnerved And upset So let's crack on Good I am already unnerved and upset. So let's crack on. Good. Great. All right.

So we're going to start things off here. I'm going to bring you to heartbeatpleasure.net slash index underscore no cookies dot ASP. Yeah, fuck you, cookies. And, yeah, so this is This is a place For the Heartbeat Pleasure They've got forums, they've got files, they've got chats You can do all sorts of things

With the Heartbeat Pleasure Website, except for, it doesn't seem like it Because none of the links work But, Boots, I have a question for you Sure I know that you want to welcome me to the website And that's great but who are you Who are we

Yeah who are we Very good question We are a group of peoples From any part of the world That like to stay together Sharing what we consider a passion A pleasure. In what

way we do it? You're becoming curious. Sure am. Very curious. Discover it by yourself. Just join us. It's free and open to everyone. What's this? I'm not going to tell you this site is for all peoples who like to listen

to the sound of a human beating heart inside this site you could find stories audio video files live audio video chat for sharing listening. Thematic forums. Oh, boy. As opposed to just like forum chaos. Right. Non-thematic forums. And much, much more, but mainly many friends to speak with and sharing your heart-related passions. And then stock photography of a strawberry that looks like a heart.

Why this? Do you think it is strange or insane? Yeah. Well, nothing more wrong. People here like to listen to a human beating heart for many different reasons. To not feeling alone or just for a kind of fetish or just for curiosity or to listen to a universal sound that is unique inside all of us. Both. It is both universal and unique.

I'll tell you one thing that always puts my mind at ease is when fetishists say it's not a fetish. That's always a great sign. Well, it's not because it's in quotation marks, Lemon. It's a fetish. It's not a fetish. I just think it'd be neat. It'd just be neat if you let me listen to your heartbeat

for a couple hours while I reach down my pants. I just think it'd be neat. This is saying it's totally cool if you're here because it's a fetish. Yeah, but then they also say, but there's people who are just curious. I just like it also. I'm not one of those fetishes. Don't worry.

Join us. Join us. I just want to see what happens when I stick this fork into this light socket. I'm just curious. May be, may space be, you will find a new dimension in your life. Hey, can I join? Absolutely, yes. You can join our group without any problem because it's free and open to everyone. Black, yellow, or if you're gay, bi, sex, hetero, or...

Yeah, or? What's the next one? Or if you're a child, young, old. Oh, no. But we pretend maximum respect We pretend maximum respect. You know what? In a lot of face-to-face conversations that I have, I do the same thing.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, that's interesting. You're not very good at that, Lemon. Oh, well... No. He doesn't maximum pretend maximum respect.

All other members here and their way to be. So what are you waiting for? Join us and take your pleasure moments. Boy, this, okay, so here's the thing. I don't know, there seems to be, yeah? Yeah. No, just, yeah. Okay, so now we know what we're getting into.

We can just jump right into the Jeff Foxworthy stuff. Well, so, okay, so on this website, you know, there's a sign-up page, and it doesn't seem to work. Well, I think you have to accept cookies first. Oh, well, fair enough. Nope. So, but the thing is, is that, like, I would like to, I mean, you seem very welcoming to white, black, yellow, and other things. But I don't know if I'm a cardiophile. Frank West, do you think that I'm a cardiophile?

Well, I saw this post on an adult forum on the HBP site and decided to share it on here. My name is... What does HBP stand for? Heartbeat Pleasure. Oh, yeah, the site that we were just on. Yes. And my name's Dara1, and you might be a card... Fuck, it's a tough word, and I'm done.

You might be Cardi B? You might be Cardi B. Carly Rae? Disturbing the peace. You might be a cardiophile if... You might be a cardiophile if... You might be a cardiophile if... Oh, boy.

...you notice an attractive female and your first thought is that some lucky doctor gets to stether. Oh! Oh! Oh! Wow! We're just on number one, fellas. So, what have we learned, F-Bless?

I don't know if that's offensive or not. I hate what have we learned, F-Less? I don't know if that's offensive or not. I hate it. I learned I hate it. If I play my cards right tonight, I might get to stether. What is it with the word female in any shitty community? So you want to come up to my OR?

Female. Okay, yeah, what else? You might be a cardiophile if the first time you put your hand inside a girl's bra you were trying to locate her PMI. Inside of her tit. Just palpitate the tit. He said he's a cardiophile,

not that he has any grasp of human anatomy There's a heart And then there's other shit attached Who cares He has a grasp of at least one piece of human anatomy If you know what I'm saying Maybe it's a very big bra Not like just one of those little triangle pasties

Oh okay It's like a sports bra, and it goes from the navel to the neck or something. You know. The heart's somewhere in there. Sports bra bump girl. It's like granny panties? I don't know. You might be a

cardiophile if your girlfriend ever asked you why you hold her left breast a lot more than the right one. Nope, they just don't understand it, Adam. I mean, never mind. You might be a cardiophile if the most exciting thing about seeing your girlfriend topless is that it makes it a lot easier to listen to her heart. Because you have, like, bat ears? No, because you listen with your eyes.

Oh. Please don't make fun of my bat ears. There's 20 points in this. I wager at least 18 of them are all you care about her heart more than her tits. Yep. Well, uh, they're not all like that.

Uh, let's see. Please continue. You might be a cardiophile if you think skinny girls are hard because their hearts are easier to feel and hear. And some of them have a visible pulsation at the PMI. Okay, that one. You did get that one. But probably not the next one, right? Probably not. You might be a cardiophile if you think the sexiest attribute a girl can have is a fine-sounding heart.

No, okay, okay. What about the next one? Sexiest attribute a girl can have is a fine-sounding heart. No, okay, okay. What about the next one? You might be a cardophile if you find yourself looking at the necks of guys longing to try to catch a glimpse of a pulse. See, there were two. Yeah, you might be a fucking vampire.

You flipped the script on your boots. You were wrong. Hey, they could be bisex. Let's be open-minded here. They might be bisex. Bi-sex, in quotation marks. Is that like insects? Bisex?

They're like biceps or triceps, but like bisex. Oh. No, I'd still like it. Well, I have a question, too. What's a PMI? I googled it and I got Project Management Institute. It's Point of maximal impulse Oh boy

Is it fetish specific? I know it's stething Stething is stethoscoping Yeah, yeah This is off of a non-fetish site, I think Although I'm not sure Hopefully it'll turn The point of maximal impulse, known as PMI

Is the location at which the cardiac impulse Can be best palpated Palpated, the chest wall. Yes, that's true. So this might actually be a real site. At the fifth intercostal space at the midi clavicular line.

Oh, okay. Thanks, Victor. Frank West, I know that you were the writer of this piece was very hot by number 14. What is that one? Oh, well, you might be a cardiophile if you are extremely embarrassed to say or even hear the word heart or any heart-related words, and you are trying to avoid it. Oh, my boner's everywhere.

Animated boner emoji in the footnotes there. Read me number 16. You might be a cardiophile if you can't wait to hug your taller male friends to sneak a listen. Yeah, he's all opportunity creeping. What you doing there, Ted? Ted, what you doing?

Just a normal hug. Nothing creepy, Bob. Just rewarding you for your goal. Nothing creepy, tall Bob. What's number 18? I was just about to read that one. You got a good eye. You might be a cardiophile if you have other sexual fantasies that sprouted due to your love of hearts. Sprouted?

Wow. It's a fetish that blooms. That's wonderful. Read the very last line in your post I'm deferentially Fucking god damn it No, you didn't get that wrong They didn't even spell that one wrong I'm deferentially a cardiophile, alright

And darn proud to be one too I'm a cardiophile unless it bothers you Does it bother you? No, we all defer to him. I'm sort of the king cardiophile around here. I like number 20, too, which is you might be a cardiophile if you're looking at your own chest and watching your heart pushing against your ribcage as it's beating. You also might be like 40 pounds

if that's the case. You might be a fetus if... I like the vagueness in number 17 and it reminds me of one of the weirdest moments in an old movie I watched once. You might be a cardiophile if you have a preference for which side of the bed you sleep on

for heart-related reasons. Because in the old Haunting of Hill House, at one point she just casually says, Oh my god, you too? She says, I sleep on my left side because it's more likely to induce a heart attack. Or something like that.

It's like it causes extra strain on the heart to attack. Or something like that. It's like it causes extra strain on the heart to sleep on that side, and so she's more likely to just go off in her sleep or something. Yeah, and no one ever comments on it, and it's like not related to the rest of the movie at all.

Sounds like that's a topic for Snopes at that point. That seems possible, but definitely dubious. Well, I like the ambiguity that that had and how it ties in with this, because if you have a preference for which side of the bed you sleep on for heart-related reasons, maybe you love your heart so much that dying because of it is why you will sleep on that side of the bed on your left side. Well, that's like heart fetish Valhalla at that point. Exactly!

Hey, Nutshell. Yes? Do you have a note for the cartoon heartbeat fans? Boy, do I. You sure do, yeah. You do. Please read us the URL for this. Oh my god.

The URL? Yeah, the URL. The URL? Yeah, the URL. www.deviantart.com backslash deaths and beats backslash journal backslash note for the cartoon heartbeat fans.

Bring me a little bit of those deaths and beats! By DaFly. People think my job is easy, but I spent summers making four deaths a day in my bedroom. If you're just the person who prefers the anatomical heart over the cartoon throbbing heart, then this entry is not for you. Just leave.

Period. Bye, Frank. All right. See ya. All right. Why didn't you also pick me? All right. all right why did you also pick me all right human the human heart fetish is grosser so i figured that was where you all right out of curiosity just who in the world was the so-called genius on television that came up with the floating hearts whirling around the head and the heart eyes throbbing gag

now i can understand logically the animators did that so the audience can focus on the face rather than the body. My personal fascination with the heartbeat out of the chest thing prolonged than other two because it at least makes remote sense. I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of anything that makes remote sense at this point. You just don't recognize heart symbolism at all like as a heart fetishist you see a heart emoji and you're like what, why, why where are the veins, where's the throbbings this is so unrealistic

I don't understand the beating heart shows an over-exaggerated form of lust which is a reaction in the body that is physical besides a wet pussy or a poking boner, which are unacceptable in family-friendly shows. That's why it's there, right? Steam named a poking boner.

And I don't know how on this planet nosebleeds took off, because the sight of blood is just plain morbid and disgusting to the majority. I am just frustrated now that people, especially here, are saying things like the heart beating out of the chest thing in old cartoons, like it's becoming a thing of the past.

I feel like a dinosaur. Right? Like a dinosaur. There are other physical reactions in the body, but that's a secret. When I lust for someone or something, heart-shaped bubbles don't float around my head, and the only times I recall my eyes throbbing is during

intense anger and stress, and it's painful, lol. Painful lol. I have no concept of a metaphor or a simile, lol. And then, Boots, take a time and tie 914, please. Yeah, time and tie 914. Hello, everyone. How are you doing? This is I'm Time and Tie 914. Yep. Hello, everyone.

How are you doing? Thanks. This is how you do a reply. Good. Great. For him. Or I guess maybe on DeviantArt. Who knows?

No one can figure out DeviantArt. I am a huge fan of the heart beating out of the chest because you see the reaction of how the character feels when they're in love scared or tired well tired tired that's a weird that's a weird animation fatigue like running yeah like the cat from uh uh from from the pepe le pew uh cartoons oh like running running running grasping heart okay okay i can see it yep okay got it, got it. Thank you. I'm glad we got there.

No, you helped. Yeah, you were helpful. And then, Bump Girl, you got Mystery Sakura. Mystery Sakura. In my opinion, cartoon heartbeats must not be made obsolete. Sure, it is a classic, but classic things do not necessarily become out of time. Some classics are timeless. Rambling aside.

Oh, if only that was true. Okay, rambling aside, I believe it was anime and its breakthrough and popularization in the West that made nosebleeding the new sign of comedic lust on animated media. Yeah, but you think that anime is the cause of, like, you know, the popularization of hamburgers and, like, the tectonic plates moving. Like, you believe that anime is the cause of all of these things. No, I am very smart because I said new sign of comedic lust on animated media. Yeah. Which doesn't refute your point at all.

But that means that. However, amusingly, in the country where I live, nose bleeding is not a sign of lust. What? That's like one of those like, like, like nomadic, like African tribes that have been poorly documented. They just haven't. They've never discovered motorized transit or the idea that nosebleeding is a sign of lust. Well, actually, but rather it is a sign of hardly being able to understand or speak a language. but rather it is a sign of hardly being able to understand or speak a language.

For example, if I weren't fluent in English, I would say I'm having nosebleeds trying to speak in English and read people's responses in the same language. Here's a surprise. Mr. Sakura has a hard time communicating with others. I'm a hobbyist digital artist. Thank you. Yeah, based on your avatar, you're a really good one. A really good one.

No, this is like fan art of me that someone else did. Hey, I had a cardiophile. I had cardiophile moments at a party. Good. My name is Iron Bat Maiden. Red fire! Scream for me, Toronto! Happy New Year to all my lovely cardiophiles. I hope your holidays

were great. I wanted to share a couple of recent cardiophile moments I had with you guys. With you guys? With me? Oh boy! I had the cardiophile moments I had with you guys. Oh god, it Oh, boy. I had the card-a-file moments I had with you guys. Oh, God, it wasn't a dream.

So, I was at a party at a friend's house, right? Do you buy that premise? I mean, we're already in the realm of fiction writing here, so sure. One of the first games we played was BS,

so I assume that one of the first games we played was bullshit. Oh, yeah, it's the card game bullshit. Oh, oh, okay. Oh! Got it. Alright, alright, alright. We were playing bullshit. As we were playing, one of the guys was holding his card over his chest, right

where his heart was. I know he was holding his cards close so no one would see them, but I couldn't help thinking of him feeling his own heartbeat. Animated embarrassed emoji. How does

that sound like, Frank West? Woohoo! Thank you. You're welcome. Later. We were playing a game called Empire. You pick a theme, and people have to write a name or a thing having to do with that theme on a small piece of paper. Each person folds up that piece of paper and puts it in a cup.

Once, everyone submits one. Someone has to read all the papers. And then everyone has to guess who wrote that. Whoever guesses what one person wrote becomes a master, and the person they guess has to become their slave. The object of the game is to get everyone to be a slave in your empire. Hot, right? Right? Yeah, sure.

So we were playing the game, and one person guessed what another person was. Okay, so they got up and moved the couch to where the first person was sitting and they sat on their lap. But while they did so, the person behind them put their hands on their chest right over their heart. I'm pretty sure I was blushing at that moment because

I was wondering what their heartbeat would feel like. I bet it would feel like a heartbeat. Yeah, I know, right? I'm wondering what their heartbeat would feel like. I bet it would feel like a heartbeat. Yeah, I know, right? How did you possibly learn what that felt like? I'm wondering what it would feel like, though. Even, I'm going to pass out. Oh, no. Quick, find your PMI and stethem.

Even if they're another person's boyfriend, I would never do it. The thought still crossed my mind. So that was like a real life story of the Jeff Foxworthy thing. Like everyone's playing strip poker and then it was like, oh, the heartbeat. I focus on dumb shit. Bump Girl. No. I think it's about that time for you to make a choice.

I got two DeviantArt posts that you can read. Oh, boy. DeviantArt or DeviantArt. I can't wait. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm wrong. I'm wrong. Only one of them is DeviantArt. So the first thing is a DeviantArt page from a DeviantArt journal called Somebody to Share. It's by Agacon. And your second option is an Amazon review of Amazon. Wait. Yes.

It's an Amazon product review by Iron Bat Maiden. Oh, see, I was just about to say, maybe it's time to move away from DeviantArt. It's a review of a stethoscope. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, spoilers.

Okay, I'll take the... Just post something into the chat so I don't have to see this heart animation anymore. I'll take the Amazon. You have to choose. You have to choose. Fucking choose. Amazon, Amazon, Amazon. Amazon.

All right. Fantastic. Oops, that's not the right thing. The right thing is this thing. And yeah, so this product, the 3M Lightman Lightweight Stethoscope. I'm sorry. This is now getting explicit. But it's $51.94 on sorry, this is now getting explicit.

But it's $51.94 on Amazon. It comes with free shipping. Provides reliable acoustic performance for taking blood pressure. And what did Iron Bat Maiden think of it? Well, Iron Bat Maiden titled the review First Litman as a Cardiophile.

So had prior litmans before coming out as a cardiophile. So had prior litmans before coming out as a cardiophile. This was a color Caribbean blue, and it is a verified purchase, so it was actually purchased. I don't fucking know anyway. Four stars. While I realize that this is used for med students and medical staff alike, I just want to bring another lesser-known audience to light in this review.

Why, thank you. Did you guys know that perverts exist? You're welcome, Internet! I am what's called a cardiophile. This means I have both an admiration and a fetish for hearts and heartbeats. I found the community only three years ago after many years of a strange fascination with hearts that could not be explained. I mean, I can explain it. One week when I was in college, I was sick with the flu and had to stay home.

As you know, when you're sick, your heart rate goes up. It was... Depending. I mean, yeah, sure. I mean, if you've got a narrow definition of sick, sure. Yeah. Unless you have one of those things that, like, you know, make your heart beat really slow and dying and stuff. That's not sick, though. When you're fucking sick, bro, your heartbeat goes slow and dying and stuff. That's not sick, though.

When you're fucking sick, bro, your heartbeat goes up. Yeah, yeah, when you're doing sick tricks. Well, it was so noticeable that I wanted to hear it. I, for the first time in years, I wanted to use a stethoscope to listen to my own heartbeat. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, this guy self-steths? Yeah, yeah. I thought God, this guy self-steffs? Yeah. I thought I was weird for wanting this.

Everybody stealth-steffs, Frank West. There's no shame in it. Most of us have the dignity not to talk about it in public. Well, at least this person, Iron Fat Maiden, thought they were weird for wanting it. So there's the shame here.

That's acceptable, right, Frank West? All shame is acceptable. However, but a Google search quickly showed me that I'm not alone. There are other people out there who enjoy the sound of

their own heartbeats or their partner's heartbeats. Yeah, we're learning about that. Or your random best male friend's heartbeat, who happens to be a bit taller than you. The first week after I felt better, I bought my first stethoscope at Walgreens. It was a cheap $10 one.

It served me well for three years. Until now, when I purchased my first Litman. I have heard from many capital C cardiophiles that Litmans are some of the best. Treat them with respect. Litmans are some of the best stethoscopes out there for us cardiophiles. After waiting for so long, I finally purchased one. I was so excited when I got home from work

to open this. Now for the review! I'm assuming that the Littman stethoscopes have a preamp so that the heartbeat can have an echo and some reverb. I don't know, 73% of people

give them 5 stars and only 7% of people give them five stars and only 7% of people give them one. Fucking wah-wah pedal. Get two heartbeats combined together, put some compressor on it. Two heartbeats as one? Yeah, two heartbeats as one, yeah. A three-way.

A trisex. Still a two-way, Frank West. Get some syncopation in there. Well, do you want to hear the review or not? Because like only now... Yeah, sure, I guess. We announced it. No, only the preamble to Stethoscope Reviews, please.

But there's this helpful little, like, textual hint that says, Now for the review. Then lets you know that that wasn't the review. That wasn't the review. And now this is the review. Well, this is a great quality stethoscope and the earpieces are very comfortable, I find myself having to read the instructions

and fiddling with it until I got just the right spot in the ears so where I can hear my heartbeat but it's not blasting my ears out. That's weird. That's weird. No, that's a sentence. Why do you need to read the instructions?

Well, you have to do that while fiddling with it until you got just the right spot in the ears so where you can hear your heartbeat. So I place it over my heart? Is that right? I place it over my heart? Huh, okay. I think actually this person had a problem putting it into their ears.

First I stuck these things in my nose. That didn't work at all. Yeah, okay, okay, yeah, next line. Word of warning, don't put it too deep in your ears. It won't work very well. But once you adjust it, you will be amazed at the sound. So this person can no problem find the heart, which kind of makes sense in their community, but is having trouble finding their ears.

This guy's mad. I just took a mallet and tapped it in there. This guy's mad that chewing gum doesn't also have instructions. All right. I know I was compared to the El Cheapo stethoscope I was using before. Wait. I know I was compared to the El Cheapo stethoscope I was using before. Wait. I know I was compared to the El Cheapo stethoscope I was using before. Yeah, that's a continuation of You Will Be Amazed at the Sound.

I was amazed at the sound. One person found this review helpful. So this document, once again, provided to us by Mix. Thanks a lot, Mix. Thanks, Mix. Thanks a lot, Mix. Thanks, Mix. Some of the very worst grossest episodes that we've had have been because of Mix. I feel like if you were

to just do some sort of research into if you were to score everything on a Scoville scale of gross. Mix is really stepping up to the Montreux challenge. Yeah, for sure. I think Mix and Spooks are in a competition. Oh, yeah, totally.

Who did the bugs crawling into penises one? Well, sure. That's Montreux. Yeah. She's still the queen. Montreux is still the queen. Still the queen. Yeah, good point.

So anyway, so Mix has us going all over the place. There's a fairly long Tumblr post that I'm just going to skip past because I think that it's probably time, seeing as how we're doing a heart fetish episode, to go to one of the best places, right? Oh, boy. A really good place for heart fetish. Let's go to the My Little Pony forums. Oh no. No. So here's some really terrible

My Little Pony. Well, MLP could stand for anything. My lovely pulse. It sure does. Click on the link and see what it stands for. Oh, they've got, well, it's, I mean, it could still be just a coincidence that there's cartoon ponies. Yeah, so we got some real terrible My Little Pony fan art

on the top here, and then it says MLP forums on the bottom, and then it says, on the left side, it says Pi Hour, and then on the right side, it says Lil Lil Les, Lesnig. So, that's helpful. Anyway. No, that's a one.

That's N-1-G. One-us-nig. That's a postal code. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway, Frank West. That's me. Anything you want to tell us?

My name is Mesme Rise and I am a cardiophile. Okay, good. Good. Great. Good. This is from Mesme Rise's blog. And I've got some tags. HypnoSparkle, hearts, heartbeats, opening up, and whatever.

Okay, this is another one of my I am coming out of my closet posts how many closets do you have to come okay well there's the pony closet the trisex closet the cardiophile closet trisex i like to do them here because i always trusted the people on this forum like they always do, and show them the real me. As you saw in the title of the blog, you already guessed that I am apparently a cardiophile. That's a lot of uncertainty. As you saw, you guessed, apparently. You don't have to do weasel words on your own.

Especially when you already wrote, I am a cardiophile. Happily without weasel words. Oh, sorry, maybe the title should have been read out, I am a cardiophile? They're being coy. Unsurprisingly, however, not many people know what this word actually means or what it does apply. Let me explain it to you. Nah, that's fine. Don't worry about it. know what this word actually means or what it does apply let me explain it to you really need to explain it to people more than it's a lot a cardiophile is a person that has a fixation to hearts and heartbeat sounds for me it's mostly the heartbeat sounds taking extreme

comfort in listening to heartbeat sounds be it from a random person, a file from the internet, or be it his own sound. Now, explain to me how this whole random person thing goes down. Hey, you! You just find a tall person, give them a really big hug. What can I do for you? He just goes around

wearing a fucking FHI female heartbeat inspector. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Is that a Littman stethoscope? Do you want to use it on me? You know how there's deaf people that hand out the ASL cards?

I feel like we're almost at the point now where the cardiophiles are going to start saying, I was like, oh, I hand out cards that explain what a cardiophile is to everybody I see in the world. This is my fetish and deserves to be respected. My fixation with the heartbeat begun when I was probably six. I remember that I had this very friendly pediatrician that I was always going to for my checkup, and she would sometimes let me play with her stethoscope,

and let me listen to my heartbeat, which I always found nice. From there on out, I pretty much fell in love with heartbeats. This dude capitalizes heartbeats every time, by the way. And stethoscope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And stethoscope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This fanfic I wrote was inspired by these days.

MLPforums.com slash topic slash 135419. The Check Up Phobia One Shot. Yeah. Same as advertising. Yeah. Yeah, it's... Whoa, it's long. It's long.

I mean, to be fair, every paragraph is a single sentence, including paragraphs like lub-dub-lub-dub. Well, you have to keep the writing going at a steady pace right but shit this is long these days i sometimes find people with the same interest but it's a far more uncommon interest than hypnosis is oh there's your other closet i see so mostly i just entertain myself with it i even have my own stethoscope at home, which I sometimes use to relax myself at night. When I listen to it, I can always say to myself, I am still alive. LOL, Pearl Jam reference. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

It's not. It's not actually a Pearl Jam reference. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Yeah, it is. He said that. I am still alive. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Yeah, it is. You said that. I am still alive. It doesn't. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Cool. Hey, do you have any questions about it? Are you fascinated or weirded out by my interest? Comment below. Let me know. Please talk to me. Yeah.

So I've been going through Mesme Rize's blog. Sorry. My two cents on John Cena. Serious rant. It's the previous entry. Serious rant. I don't even want to click on that link. It's just too beautiful.

Yeah, I've been going through a lot of posts here by MezmayRise. Like, do I miss something? Mesme is sleepy. The Hunger Games MLP Forums Edition 2 Electric Scootaloo. But yeah, I did find this one here that was another thing by Mesme Rize called Why I Will Never Be a Doctor IRL. Frank, would you just read the part that I pasted here from that blog post? First of all, becoming a – wow, doctor also gets capitalized.

Anyone that touches hearts. Touch, touch, touch. Well, you've touched mine. Becoming a doctor takes years of hard studying And you have to sacrifice a lot Of your private time to achieve this goal Why I will never be a doctor It's hard The thing is I don't really like the thought

Of sacrificing this time I don't wanna actually And I feel like this would At some point lead to a breakdown by me. I'm going to write a blog post called Why I'm Not Good at Manual Labor. Or any labor, really. Things are hard. Don't do things. The other thing is, even if I do become a doctor, it's not going to be an easy job slash life. I thought to maybe be a cardiologist or maybe a pediatrician.

Cardiologist, because the heart interests me the most, and pediatrician, because I can imagine working with kids would be fulfilling. But what if I have a very ill patient whose life is on the line? That will happen, being a doctor and all. And it's going to be so hard to explain my boner. Ah, Victor's fine. It's not a problem. You just want to

push that out of the way. Victor. What is this weird lump on my elbow? Also, why do I have a boner when you listen to my heartbeat? I'm sorry, but it's bad news. Your heart has a...

I mean, your... Sorry, excuse me. Your heart has a... Just excuse me a moment. I'll be right back. I'm so sorry. Your wife's heartbeat isn't sexy. I tried so hard,

but there was nothing I could do. As a cardiologist, you face that a lot because the heart is the most important organ and deadly sick children would even harder, because it would probably break my heart way too much, and I would just feel incredibly helpless that I can't prevent it. That's like a liver fetishist that's going to be really mad at you. And a broken heart is very unsexy. I think we should just all be very grateful that this person has so many solid arguments against them becoming a doctor. Yeah, can you imagine they're like doing open surgery and they turn on some lady,

they turn to her husband and say, I threw in an extra stitch for you, wink. Just so you know, I didn't want to spend all this time studying. And I think this lifestyle is really hard. And also I think heartbeats are sexy, but I became a doctor anyway. Aren't you happy? Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon. It's time for heart erotica.

Heart erotica. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to read some heart porn. What in the name of God? Yeah. Oh, good. Nutshell's excited. Okay, great.

Nutshell's excited. Okay, great. Uh, Nutshell, uh, this is from the, uh, the Tumblr of, uh, Avenger, uh, uh, this is from the Tumblr of, uh, Avenger 13. Um, and, uh, and, uh, yeah, so this is

called, um, let's see, it's called It's the Most Glorious Rainbow, do me on it. Alright. Alright! Alright! So this is called, let's see, it's called It's the Most Glorious Rainbow, Do Me On It. All right. All right. All right. Do this thing. Oh, my God.

I want to do this thing. Yeah. Oh, boy. It's the Most Glorious Rainbow, Do Me On It. Yeah. The only time I ever listen to my own heartbeat is the rare instances where I actually whip out my vibrator and decide to head to Pleasure Town.

God damn you, Lemon! That buildup of my heart already being in the mood and that itch down below. I put my death tips on and hear my heart as I slowly enter and turn my vibrator on.

That little jump my heart makes is like... God damn you, Lemon. What? What? What? We're just reading some heart erotica, that's all. That little jump my heart makes as I feel the vibrations on my clit. I slowly tease myself as my heart valves widely open and close. Can we hear this in the pirate voice? Maybe the pirate voice would make it

easier. Can you read the part about your heart valves again? God, pirate voice. Okay, I'm trying to do some kind of pirate voice. Louder and with your valves more open. Fuck you too, Frank. As I move...

God damn, I can't... As I move the vibrator, I like to move the stuff around to each scutellation's putt to hear my heart react at each spot. Also, it's so I build my arousal.

I know the sound of my heart's like the back of my hand, but in these sensual moments, this is where I can truly appreciate and reveal my heart finish without getting too into my head about my negative thoughts and about this whole heart thing.

I'm thinking about how common I am that I just don't think that... I think I've lost my pirate voice. People have unique heart beats. Well, it's hard to say thang. Problems with my heart thang. Yeah. Ah, thang. We thang.

How about cheerful, non-specific southern accent? Okay, great. Yes, yes. I have my knees bent this point as I gyrate my vagina and vibrator in a tango,

so to speak. As I find that sweet spot that feels the best, the spot that I know will set this fire ablaze. I feel like it's more of a salsa, but... Once I find that perfect spot,

it's go time. Hit the gas. I lay my legs flat on the bed and spread wide. My staff has been placed directly under my breast right at my apex. I always press the staff head in as I feel my heart slap against my staff in hand. What? There should be a rib cage in the way. Not if you press cage in the way. Yeah, well, you know.

Not if you press it in deep enough. Sort of port installed. You know how Marilyn Manson had some of his ribs removed so he could suck his own dick? I just went a little further. Different ribs. Smart. All right, all right. My nipples are already rock hard, now they start to tingle all these sensations going on all at once just enhance my arousal i manipulate my

breathing as i rub harder and faster along my clit my heart quickens and stumbles as it tries to keep pace with my desire to get it pounding faster and faster my heart is in control as it tries to keep pace with my desire to get it pounding faster and faster. My heart is in control as it feels my drive, my passion, my arousal. I tease on and off my eventual orgasms. My motivation is knowing how strong my heart is and knowing that I can push it to its limits by stressing how long I can hold off. Wait a minute, you need motivation? In this situation? Ugh, I just want to stop, this is boring.

Yeah, halfway through jerking off, like, what's the point? in this situation? Ugh, I just want to stop. This is boring. Yeah, halfway through jerking off, like, what's the point? Why am I doing this? I just need to get in the head of the character. What is my... What is my motivation? What is my modus operandi? Let's see. Keep going, I guess.

The reward for knowing this is knowing if I sustain my already rapid rhythm that my heart will begin to throw off some PVCs. Polyvinyl chloride? Polyvinyl chloride, obviously. Each skip, my heart

gets me wetter and wetter. What's a PVC? Is that like some kind of irregular heartbeat? Premature ventricular contractions. Wait, premature? So then there's a point at which they aren't premature? No, she's...

It happens to lots of guys. No, she's actually saying that she wants her heart to skip a beat. That's what she's trying to do. She's trying to throw off the rhythm of her own heartbeat. That's what turns her on. My heartbeat's never been regular. This can go on forever, but the feeling eventually

overcomes me. I don't think it can, actually. No, heartbeats come to a stop. Oh, look, there's a kitty. That's nice. Oh, I've got a kitty, too! Let's just change the topic entirely. Okay.

Either my heart is pounded too much that it begins to hurt, or my body betrays me and can no longer contain itself. Oh, I have to come and then I have to stop masturbating? But she says my body betrays itself. It's like, I envision this person mutating

all of the thing. Yeah yeah like one of those like Japanese things which is all the insides go to the outsides and then the outsides go to the insides but there's still a human alive she moves a vibrator away from her vagina but it won't move and she looks down and it's gripping the vibrator with little mini arms with little mini arms. Ha ha! I think I've seen that anime. They'd really let you rent anything at Blockbuster back in the day.

I feel my nipples itching like mad. The stifled bones that I try to hold back. The maddening tingling of my clit. My breathing gets more ragged. I can see my chest turning more redder by clit. My breathing gets more ragged. I can see my chest turning more redder by the second. My legs quiver in anticipation. There's nothing about your heart in that paragraph. That was boring.

I'm worried about how itchy she gets when she gets horny. Yeah. Yeah. Probably need a cream for that. Itchy and red. Yeah. I rub my vibrator faster as I feel the

ectasy How would you? Ectasy? Ectasy, yep. The ectasy of my orgasm roll through my body. Whee! Whee.

No, no, no. This is not a pee fetish for him. No, no, no. This is not a pee fetish for him. No we. The waves of pleasure emanating from my clit throughout my vagina. We. Thank you. It feels too good. We.

I tend to be a shy, quiet, and reserved lady, but the primal moans and screams of the pleasure this deliciously good feeling brings me take me aback every single time. You and your neighbors, lady. I feel my heart beat uncontrollably as it hits its peak and slowly eases off the brakes. It's the most violent but slow-pounding I ever heard and felt. Sadly, my heart becomes an afterthought in this moment.

What? Get out of this community! You told me when you came you were thinking of your heart. This is the body's betrayal. The waves of pleasure roll and crash for what seems like an eternity. I just lay there, spant and debate, and if I am done for the moment or can go for another round or two, if it is a major orgasm, I know I am too tired to go again.

I just lay there, and eventually I elect a turn to lie on my left side. Oh, she's one of lie on my left side. Oh! She's one of those. The left side liar. Here in my heart, slow recovery. Eventually subcommuting to its soothing rhythm and fall asleep. And what is this tagged? It is tagged.

Cardiophile heartbeat heartgasm In tune with myself There are 47 notes In her I guess header I don't know what you describe things They don't have names on Tumblr It's just chaos In her top thing

It says I like hearts sometimes I like them too much I also enjoy music, animals, dirty and cheesy humor, intelligent conversations. I tend to be goofy and really sarcastic because you can't take life too seriously. Things that get me mad? Asking me to share cam for my social media, for my phone numbers. Sending me dick pics? Any kinks other than hearts! She gets mad at any kinks other than hearts.

Oh my god, kink shaming I've got some really bad news for her Let's introduce her to ABO But hey, cute cat picture It's gonna be a Yeah, she does a cat picture And a boots Do you want some more

heart porn? oh please this is also from the same lady great love this lady's tumblr full of pancakes I thought tumblr got rid of all its porn yeah no

this lady's tits are well covered on this tumblr somehow yeah it uh i mean yeah this our lord's year of 2019 tumblr yeah tumblr got rid of the porn that a robot can find right the robot looked at us was like i don't think so right usually there's not this stethoscope in the way this must be fine anyway what do you you got some porn for us? sure yeah I just want to pump up the jam

oh pump it up pump it pump it while your feet are stomping and the jam is pumping look at here the crowd is jumping I know why I only know this song fanatically. Make my day. Anybody listening to this, if somehow you get a chance to see Kumquat Sub do this song,

karaoke, it is the best experience. Also the worst, but mostly the best. Actually, I think it comes second to Kumquat Stop singing Hey Mickey. The lyrics to Hey Mickey, of course, are Hey Mickey! The most aggressive Hey Mickey you'll ever hear. You're Mickey! Points at Buddy Brent's ass.

You're Mickey. Anyway. Pump up the jam. So I've always been a closeted recesshesus slash CPR fan what sort of closet a resuscitation

the closet with cameras not like a rhesus monkey or rhesus people I'm going to say for a cardiophile it's really kind of a glass closet as far as I can tell I often have fantas fantasied i fantasied uh what it would be like if my heart just suddenly stopped and i had to get defibrillated over and over again

these fantasies happen often in the morning when i'm alone c CPR, I'm not into that much per se. Well, that was until a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Person I met is so into CPR. Yeah? I've never done it, but I thought it could be fun. I'm open to trying new things. Uh-huh.

I admit, I was hesitant to try it. Not that I was afraid I'd hurt him. I bit my finger and went, tee hee hee. Not that I was afraid to hurt him, but for another reason. Anyways, he said I could push down on his heart when I felt so. I tried

when I felt so, I tried that first. You ever find out what that other reason is? Always use your commas. It was the coolest thing to feel his heart strongly pulsating against my hand as I pushed in. He assured me it didn't hurt when I asked.

He then said I could pump his heart. Hearing those words got to me. An excitement overcame me. If it didn't hurt, then you weren't administering CPR properly? Well, no, because his heart was going. Well, okay.

You're right. You're right. You're right. No. Yeah. Actually, this is the correct way to do CPR. Feel for the heart. Is it beating?

Yeah. No, it's fine, actually. Yeah, it's not. We're good. Probably shouldn't proceed. I used my two fingers to push into his heart, and I tried to pump it in time to his heart. Well, that's what he wanted,

but I started to pump slow. This woman lives on a boneless planet. I still had this fear I could mess with his rhythm. I don't know. I knew he was getting into, so eventually I began to pump a bit faster. Nothing too crazy. I just went back and forth, alternating between pumping my fingers slowly, then a bit faster. You know, this sounds like it could be really, really sexy.

And then I remember she just just poking in between his ribs. Massaging his heart, yeah. Yeah. Yes, I was doing that. You're right. To me, it just felt so amazing. I think going full CPR with using both my hands, but I'd figure with using both my hands, but I'd

figure to take things slow and that might have been too sexy. He really didn't do that with me, but he used his fingers to tap in time to my heart. He used his fingers to tap into my heart, which, ugh, I like that

so much. Sexiness is a circle. If something's too sexy, it becomes unsexy again. Yeah, the horseshoe theory. We've talked about how next time we can get a little more advanced. I want to have some gentle CPR done and have my heart pumped gently

or hard. I don't know, lol. I know he'd like more CPR and heart pumping. I essentially never thought this would be something I'd enjoy, but I did a lot. I did enjoy a lot, I guess is what I'm saying. I can't wait to get heart pumping again. They did a lot.

And then a parenthetical that's important. I'm tired and this doesn't sound so cool now, but eh. Mix put so many fun things in this document, and I feel bad about having to skip by some of these, because if we wanted to go real long, there's a lot of good stuff in here. I just want to – one thing we're not going to read is a – something from this Tumblr, which is too bad just because I like the name of this Tumblr, which is CPRandStuffLikeThat.Tumblr.com. CPR. which is cprandstufflikethat.tumblr.com. C-P-R. Don't you wish you had a car with CPR and stuff like that.

Like that. Open up your lids. Help, help, help with the kids. Anyway, we're going to go to... Oh, okay, cool. Oh, well, never mind. Tumblr, looks like they flagged this one, but we can just copy it out of the doc.

Thanks a lot, Mix. Oh, no. Tumblr's algorithm worked. Boom. Yeah, Tumblr's algorithm worked for now. I mean, on this particular case. Bump Girl. Oh, no.

This is a post from recessgirl.tumblr.com. Recessgirl? Hello. Sure. That one, too. That's fine. Oh, I don't get many more introductions. I just have to start.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. It's flaggedged so we just got it out of the dock okay omg i keep complaining about lack of guy on girl heart torture vids and then stumble across this i complain about the lack of torture cool cardio is your last name cheney no actually this is something girls complain about a lot. It's really, really creepy. Anyway, Cardiothoracic Torture by PKF Studios. Just hawk.

Okay, well. He kidnaps her. Sure. Brings her into his cardio torture room. And then just shocks the hell out of her little chest first with the paddles over and over driving the current right through her heart

and then she dies and then she arrests and immediately he works on her oh so it's snuff port okay with proper MDM no pesky ambu bag getting in the way and bare-handed chest compressions her heart doesn't respond so in goes an intercardiac injection as soon as she's oh my god these guys cranked it to that scene of uma thurman getting injected with

with hell yeah they did yep they did hell these guys cranked it to that scene of Uma Thurman getting injected with... Hell yeah, they did. Yep, they did. Hell, these guys cranked it to crank. Oh, you're right. Jilling it all over the place. As soon as she's conscious again, he's back into evil doctor mode. Removes her bra. Wait, what? He stabbed her through the bra? Oh, that's so unsanitary.

Anyway, removes her bra and attaches painful electric clips to her nipples. And while they're delivering their charge, he's at it with the paddles again. See, it sounds a bit disappointing, like BDSM, and it's just not. Anyway, at the end, and what sends her into final fatal arrest, oh, I hate it when you guys are right,

it is snuffball. Final fatal arrest. Oh, I hate it when you guys are right. It is snuff porn. He uses the AED and the paddles simultaneously. Her little heart electrocuted from all angles into a massive shuddering arrest. An absolute joy to see big strong hands doing such things to her little chest. Throbbing heart, throbbing heart, throbbing heart. That's real good.

Yeah. That's good for me that it happened and we read it. It's good for me that that post wasn't any longer. It's good for me that you actually cut it out and pasted it into there so that I don't have to click on any links that are in any related to it. Yeah, that's cool. Because while you were reading that, Boots accidentally shared a link with me that I wish I'd never seen

before. Yeah, like, the first thing it takes you to is a warning site that looks like it's from, like, 1997. Yeah, and it's like, oh, this is charming 90s web design. I'm going to click OK and then see. Whoa! No! Don't click

OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, no! Don't click OK. Anyway, hey, I think it's time to go to Clips for Sale. What do you think? Good. Like I don't already have that pinned. Okay, I'm going to give you a Clips for Sale link, and I'll tell you that you actually go to Clips for Sale on this particular URL. It's fine. It's fine.

The GIFs aren't going to horrify you. Oh, did we discuss, by the way, that they now do MP4 instead of GIFs? I guess I'm the only one that cares. Never mind. Congratulations. Congratulations, Clips for Sale, for graduating past GIFs.

Yeah, finally. I mean, there's still gifts in the preview image, which there doesn't need to be, but you know. Yeah, they have MP4s now. Anyway, Boots, I don't want one clip

possessive from Maria. I don't even think I want two clips from Maria. There's just a giant fucking painting of Gohan from Dragon Ball Z in the background of this. And it's very intimidating. It's very intimidating

that he's just standing there growling at you while it's happening. Oh, on her wall. Yeah. What does that guy look to see? Yeah. What you get here is three by one Maria Clips possessive. And then I'm going to have to highlight everything because it's all dark gray on black background.

Yay. I just love that Frank West just was watching a video of a woman masturbating and was like, is that a Dragon Ball painting on the wall? Please, like I even looked at the woman. Come on. Her heart's covered. What the fuck? She could have been doing... No, it's okay because she's wearing a cardigan.

Gotcha. Love it. Great. Perfect. Let's move on. This is from the channel or the, I don't know, the person of Cardiophilia and Death Store. Yep, that's right. It is. 58 Clips. Sexy. Sexy police.

Yeah. Sexy Mary police. Comma. But it's Mary like the name, but it's also lowercase m, so who knows. On this occasion, Maria plays a police officer who, when doing the reviction of a department. Sure. When all departments get revicted begins to check between the drawers

where some stethoscopes and some dildos were kept with which with which the sexy police takes advantage of the ocation that there is nobody in the bedroom

to play with both maria heart attack in work the precinct bedroom oh so that was the first one the first one was sexy police the second one is maria heart attack in work this time we have maria working in her office as she feels somewhat dizzy and suffers from some heart palpitations. So she decides to take her vital signs and notices a slight arrhythmia. So she decides to take her bedside doctor, talk to her bedside doctor.

I like that she's making all these decisions for herself. That's very feminist of her. Yeah. She's self-actualized. Yes. Sex positive feminism. That's very feminist of her. Yeah. She's self-actualized. Yes. Sex positive feminism. That's what's happening on this particular Clips for Sale channel.

She goes as soon as she can to her office. In the office she goes through a slight revision where she confirms that she has arimia. When the doctor goes out for a moment for Maria's medication,

she suffers a heart attack. The doctor returns and starts giving CPR. At the end, and like a little wink, the doctor feels attracted to Maria and begins to caress when Maria slowly gains consciousness.

Take that, Hippocratic Oath. And then the third possessive clip of Maria. Right. Yeah, yeah. Nurse playing Doppler. Oh, that's my favorite thing for nurses to play. This time the sexy nurse gives an anatomy class on the heart. For this, she takes different stethoscles and plays with them.

While in a sensual way, she caresses her body like an extra plays with a Doppler. While Maria never gets a capital M, but Doppler does get a Doppler. While Maria never gets a capital M, but Doppler does get a capital D. While doing some exercise to accelerate her beats. Also, for close, you chew while you listen to your heart with your new Doppler. Well, I'm in this clip?

Yes. I hope you get residuals, Frank. Wow, no, yeah, I'm playing it there i am holy shit keywords latina heart stethoscope heart heartbeat mexican secretary heartbeats pleasure self-pleasure stuffing amateur cardiac play steph stuffing but what are what is Stefficles? Stefficles. He's a Greek philosopher. Yes, Lemons.

Yeah, so as you were reading that there, I was just looking through the Cardiophilia and Steff store. Lots of good stuff in there. Lots of real fun. Maria causes a heart attack in a girl. Hey, there's a Spanish translation if you just mouse over it. That's awesome. Esta vez.

Oh, yeah. This is spelled differently than the way I incorrectly spelled occasion earlier. Yep. This Okakion, Maria has kidnapped a girl who likes, in that occasion, has her hands and feet tied, not satisfied with that handkerchief. Oh, that's actually spelled correct. Handkerchief to extrangulate on it. She extrangulated the handkerchief. Yes. Extrangulating the handkerchief. Yes. Extrangulating the handkerchief.

It's one of the many things that Trogdor the Burninator does. On several occasions. However, on one occasion, the girl vanishes by suffering a cardiac arrest. Poof! Whoa. by suffering a cardiac arrest. Poof! Whoa! Spontaneous cardiac combustion.

Maria nevertheless shows herself exited by that and begins to check the girl with her stethoscope and when she realizes that she has no heartbeat, she decides to start the resuscitation, giving chest compressions and breaths.

Hey, guys! My name is Cardiophilia and Steph Store! Oh! Hey, what are you doing here? Uh, well, I just wanted to get to you. Do you have $13? Do you have $13? Do you have $13? Because I've got a clip to sell you

Guys, can we pull together $13 for this? Sorry, I don't carry cash on me Yeah, me neither Sorry, I spend it on a copy You can Venmo me, that's fine Frank, $6.50 each I'd like you to cover the fees though I don't live in society

Actually Hey, let me help you out let me help you out if you're not sure if you want to pay for this it's fine if you're not sure that you want to pay for this uh i'll sell you on this okay you ready red bull in my heart well that's a complete like pitch right there that's that's a really good country song. Today I decided to take three Red Bull to check the effects that it caused to my heart. At the beginning there was no change in the rhythm. I even did some

exercise to rate my heartbeat, only at the end of the video I suffered a pain of a heart very strong and clearly and an audio and arrhythmia is heard and some pauses in the beats. The sound is real, recorded with a stethoscope and the microphone of a cell phone. There are problems in the editing and the title screens are stretched enough. Use headphones when listening to the heartbeat!

Okay. I'm not sure what just happened, but I think I like it. $13! That's how they get you, girl. This last one is fairly long So I'm just going to cut this down just a tiny bit So I think I figured something about the clips for sale thing

While Lemon's doing his work So for all those people who are not excited by this You can tune out right now I think it was either written in Spanish and auto-translated Or something like that Because one of think it was either written in Spanish and auto-translated or something like that. Because one of the mouse-overs is in Spanish, but only for the Doppler thing, not for the other things. Okay. So, in a nutshell, this is a Clips for Sale video called It's called Vamp Doctor Takes Tiramisu Mesmerized to be Sensual Daily Donor by Vampire Ludella-MP4720.

Tiramisu is definitely a porn name. Tiramisu is a fantastic porn name. It is actually pretty good. I agree. I like it. I like it. So, yeah, this looks like sort of soft core porn with, I mean, some fun acting, to be honest. Like, at least in the preview image, there's some fun, campy acting.

I like it. And the description is long, but I just pasted a part in there for you, if you wouldn't mind. Right! She uses her vampiric magic to put Terra into a trance! Terra's eyes go blank as she falls deeper under Ludella's spell She must follow her every command After making sure Terra understands what she is to do She tests her obedience by commanding her to walk with her arms in front of her like a zombie repeating a mantra That's so original

Then Ludella has her take off the hospital gown so she can play with her big juicy tits. I gotta say, just as a brief aside, Ludella Han, one of the porno actresses in this thing,

has 1,855 clips on Clip for Sale. Wow! Way to go, lady! Yeah, she's a maker! Girl power! A creator? Hello?

Yeah, she's a content creator for sure. I think I'm going to go the old-fashioned route to get your heart-beating, harder Ludella grins, bearing her fangs! She tells Terra to get on the exam table. Then she strips out of her lab coat, revealing a red-laced teddy and red pantyhose underneath. She kicks off her heels and straddles Terra. Grinding into her, she inhales her sweet scent. As much fun as the zombie status is, I want you to be aroused, she

tells her. Play with my tits. I know how to make your heartbeat faster. Play with my tits. Okay. Terra grabs and squeezes Ludella's porcelain breasts while she gyrates and they both moan in pleasure.

Terra begs to be taken again and again. After a while of enjoying her sensually, Ludella checks her pressure again. You're ready! She grins, biting into her neck. Tara moans. Oh, so this is

just to make it easier to suck her blood out. Right. It has nothing to do with the heartbeat. This is just to make it easier to suck her blood out. Right. It has nothing to do with the heartbeat. This is so boring. But Tara, you're a doctor. Couldn't you just put her on blood thinners? No, Tara's the patient. Ludella's the vampire doctor.

Oh, okay. But you could put her on blood thinners. That would work, right? I don't know why you can't follow this, Lemon. It's pretty simple. Look, she's the vampire doctor. Who the fuck are you? Yeah.

Good point, good point. Terror moans in the mix of immense pain and pleasure as Ludella drains her. When Ludella is near the end, terror climaxes, breathing heavily, body quaking and eyes rolling in ecstasy. She falls back down limply. Ludella moans, licking her lips.

Passes out. Passes out in ecstasy. I had my neck bit. It was so good. I've died happy. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Lemon, you have clearly missed out on a couple of decades of vampire porn.

Well, yeah. I'm not a girl. Oh, shit. What have we learned from this, F Plus? What? Wait, we're supposed to have learned something by this point? Lemon is sexist when it comes to vampire porn. No, you're right.

Yeah, it really is equal genders that are interested in vampire porn for sure. I guess I'm happy that there was no vivisection in any of this. Like my, like my mind immediately went to the worst place and this is just like, this is like heartbeats and shit. And then CPR. Well, I mean, some of the stuff we didn't read went to the worst place with you, but we didn't read those, so, you know.

Yeah, there were some grosser things. It went to a lot of different places, but it didn't... There wasn't gore, right? There wasn't vore. That was one of my theories. There wasn't vore, which would be funny. Like a heart that eats a man, that would be funny. I thought there would be people eating hearts.

That was one of my theories. Wasn't there a radio drama that had the chicken heart that ate Cincinnati or something like that? I feel like there was. Why do you know these things? I was expecting, I guess... I'm a fan of old horror. I guess a lot of origin stories to have started with like Indiana Jones and the temple. The whole Kali Ma.

Kali Ma. Yeah. No, it's that scene from the Sandlot, right? You could have just enjoyed that scene a little bit more, Boots, and then it would have just changed everything in you. Because like we learned at that one point that like, remember there was the fetish that was started by the Robin Williams movie Hook? Oh, no. Was it wet and messy? We did that. We did a fetish that was started by the Robin Williams movie, Hook. Oh, no. Was it wet and messy? We did that. We did a fetish. And all of the people in this community were

like, I saw the Robin Hood, the Robin Williams movie, Hook, and then it turned me into... It was wet and messy, wasn't it? I can't know. I can't remember what fetish it was. It was totally wet and messy. It has to be. There's nothing... Correct in hindsight. Correct in hindsight. Correct in hindsight.

Here's the things we forgot to say. Hi. Lemon the Editor here. What Lemon the Performer was trying to remember was our ASMR episode. Specifically, episode 298, Giving You Tingles, in which multiple people cite a specific scene in Hook where one of the Lost Boys whispers, oh, there you are, Peter, as the very real cause of their obsession with ASMR. And in fact, if you search Hook ASMR, you'll see a number of citations to that exact thing all over the internet. Although, to be fair, one of those things is the F+. But if you'd rather avoid that rabbit hole and listen to

something else, I have, at this moment, 23 audio garbage cassettes sitting in my office. That's right, audio cassettes. All of the music of Garbage Day and a bonus song by J.W. Friedman on an outdated media format that nobody actually uses. But the packaging looks cool, and you get a download code with it. And I think these might actually sell out? Weird. That's the alternative? Grown men in children's outfits? What else could they possibly be doing? Wait, wait.

Reptile fetishes? And if you remember which episode that was from, you should come to Ball Pet. Fantasy skateboarding? Like, what else is there?