The F Plus - 313: The Suicide Banquet

Episode Date: November 5, 2019

At The F Plus' Suicide Banquet, we're serving the following... Adam Bozarth: Roasted Lettuce, Radicchio, and Endive Achilles' Heelies: Noodle and Coffee Casserole John Toast: Tofu French Toast Portaxx: Mashed Potato Ghosts (video) Frank West: Gamer Sandwiches Squiddy: Amaretto Sour Cherry Popsicles Boots Raingear: Fenelon Poutine Bunnybread: Boob Cake Lemon: Raw Vegan Tom Kha Soup STOG: Parsnip Pancakes Nutshell Gulag: Tuna, Lemon Gelatin, and Pimento Pie Victor Laszlo: Creamy Coconut Spirulina Superfood Smoothie View Photos .button { display:inline-block; border:1px solid currentColor; padding:0.5em 1.5em; } .button:hover, .button:focus { background:#c0282d; color: white; text-decoration:none !important; }

Hello, my name's Lemon, and welcome to the Suicide Banquet. I should probably explain. To celebrate the fact that we've been doing this idiotic show for ten years, a listener by the name of Neil sent a document full of individualized recipes, each allegedly crafted to the tastes and predilections of some of our regular readers. My life partner Boots, being a trusting sort, thought it would be a good idea for us to parcel these recipes out to a number of our Ridiculists to cook and experience on air.

Of course, that wasn't a good idea, but you probably guessed that. What you're getting instead is about a dozen segments of our Ridiculists sharing their experiences with the recipes assigned to them. We handle this event with three separate recording sessions, and we'll start off here with Adam Bozarth. Adam and Achilles Heelys got together in someone's apartment in order to share their meals with each other and Adam begins with a hot salad made with lettuce and endive. A Sicilian

grandmother taught me to make roasted lettuces this way. I like it for a change from serving cold salad. Oh my god salad it is healthy and delicious most people like it served with crunchy bread this also works very well with omelets in the morning or for brunch leftovers can easily be reheated in the microwave and that is uh and that's what we've done with ours because mine's have sat out

uh here are the ingredients two heads radicchio halved lengthwise two heads belgian endive halved lengthwise one head chicory curly endive halved length. A head of romaine lettuce halved lengthwise. Three tablespoons of olive oil divided. So you don't use them all at once. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Three-fourths cup pitted Greek olives.

Half a cup of capers. A half a cup of capers. A tablespoon of dried oregano. One and a half teaspoons ground thyme. A teaspoon salt. A teaspoon ground black pepper. A teaspoon ground chili pepper.

Optional. And two tablespoons of grated Romano cheese, which is optional. See, I feel like this isn't quite in the spirit of an F-plus recipe because's a lot of seasoning and i don't like it and not a lot of ranch dressing two kinds of pepper um preheat your oven to 375 line your baking dish with parchment place radicchio belgian endive chicory and romaine lettuce halves on a single layer on a baking sheet. Now, I thought it was going to be like a turducken of lettuces. Right. But no, it's just you lay them all out. You let those flavors simmer together.

No, not in this case. So you drizzle two tablespoons of the olive oil on top. You combine olives, capers in a small bowl, mix in oregano, thyme, salt, black pepper, and the chile pepper in a small bowl and mix in oregano, thyme, salt, black pepper, and the chile pepper in a small bowl and mix to make the spice mixture. Okay. So then you stuff the inner leaves with olives and capers. Oh.

Oh, mine's coming fresh out of the oven. So while he's getting his dish out of the oven, I'm going to finish reading my recipe. So you stuff the inner leaves with olives and capers. And then you take the spice mixture and mix it in with your fingers. So you take this mixture of lettuce, capers, and pepper and. And smash it into the halves of the lettuce. All the lettuces, plural. Just with your fingers. Then you wrap the halves together with kitchen string to prevent the stuffing from falling out.

Drizzle the remaining tablespoon of olive oil on the top, and then bake in a preheated oven until crispy and it's beginning to wilt, which is about 10 to 15 minutes. Ugh. Cut off the chicken, cut off the kitchen string, sorry, and then sprinkle Romano cheese on top before serving.

So, a couple of differences between my dish and the recipe. Did you get your fingers all the way inside of this dish? That is something I did do. I did wash my hands, but... And go ahead and grab yours. Oh, sure. So I provide crunchy breads. So one difference I made is i did not prepare all

of the lettuces i only used belgian endive uh i couldn't get my hands on some oregano um and i reheated it in the microwave so this looks like one of the pods from the Invasion of the Potty Snatchers. Cheers. Clink. And I used Parmesan cheese. Oh, no. No. No.

No. I'm going back for a second bite. Not even, no. I can't even put it in my mouth. I'm sorry. No, I can't, actually. I really can't. I really't I didn't make that noise For comedy effect

He's in real pain I'm not I'm shaken up is what I am Yeah I'm gonna try To take a bite of the other one Are they different? No.

This is just the other half. I'm just going to make a good attempt. I hate this so much. No. No. No. No. No.

No. It's... I can't. It's capers and pepper. Those are the main flavors I'm getting. What are you getting? I'm just getting the unpleasant

toothiness of a roasted endive. A half roasted endive. I can't. Which is a flavor we know all of our audience is familiar with um it's it's like eating the ass end of a brussels sprout it's just not it's not inviting me at all to if i did that i'm if i i am literally trying to do my best to eat this.

You know, I think the real problem is we didn't put all the other lettuces in. Yeah. I think if this were romaine. I still don't like that. Oh, no. It's wet. It's very wet. And I think I'm done with it.

Yeah. It's a shame because the bread... The bread was provided by my friend Tess. Bread's good. It's very delicious. Crunchy breads. I'm really upset. I think it's a shame because I've also been looking for a way to stop eating all these cold leaves. I've just been finding a way to have hot leaves and it turns out this isn't how you do it.

It's just bitter with salty capers. It just, it's like eating, it's like taking the pepper, the pepper mill from a pizza hut and just eating that. That's what it kind of is giving me. Next up, it's Achilles Healy's turn to give back to Adam. Healy's has baked a recipe from My Judy the Foodie, which is just, it's just, it's just, it's, God, it's just, well, you'll see. I've realized that since I've been on my comfort food kick these past two weeks, I've never saved more money at the grocery store. Part of the biggest all I've been on my comfort food kick these past two weeks, I've never saved more money at the grocery store.

Partly because all I've been cooking are mom's casseroles, which are extremely economical. It's my favorite way to rate food. Mother. Mother. Between the rice or noodles, the veggies, and canned soup, each casserole I've cooked has cost me under $15 in ingredients, except for the seafood casserole. It takes less than one hour of prep time, and it can feed at least six people in one sitting. Now, what could be better?

Cheap, hearty, tasty, and easy to make, I came across one casserole recipe that piqued my curiosity. Wrong piqued my curiosity wrong beat i've never had a higher level of curiosity um mom's noodle and coffee casserole no and because i hate my family here we go it calls for two cups of brewed rich coffee to be mixed in with the noodles and onion soup mix. Two cups. Two cups? It sounded quite bizarre, and with everything about my cooking journeys through Mom's archives, I question whether an ingredient, or ingredient, parentheses S, because how could you know,

got lost in translation during the conversion of her recipe from her faded handwriting. Coffee with soup and noodles? In this economy? I had to give it a try, even though no one in my household drinks or appreciates the bold flavor of coffee. I knew with this recipe... Nobody in my house likes it So let's put it in the Yuck

I knew this recipe I was going out on a ledge There was no way I was going to divulge any of the ingredients To my children Beyond of course the noodles and butter Why would you give your kids Coffee for dinner My Judy Because I hate the little shits butter. Why would you give your kids coffee for dinner?

My Judy's foodie. Because I hate the little shits. Usually mom's recipes are very vague and missing ingredients and quantities. It's got the stuff in it that you like. What's the thing that you like? Butter.

As witnessed with the seafood casserole. Oh, no. However, in this recipe, Ma made a point to indicate a specific type of noodle, Kluski noodles, to be used. I therefore assumed it was extremely important to locate the exact noodle type. I had never heard of Kluski and quickly searched the internet for answers. Kluski is a generic Polish name for all kinds of dumplings without a filling.

However, at times, the word also refers to all varieties of noodles as well. Traditional Kluski noodles... So it wasn't specific at all. No, I mean, mom was on a bender, clearly, when she made this, so... Traditional Kluski noodles are similar in shape

and taste to dumplings made of chunks of boiled dough how after however after three different people at whole foods claimed they had no idea to which i was referring i figured i'd settle for traditional egg noodles well three people at one store right that's enough research yeah i went to youtube i went to whole foods and i can fuck it fuck it so i figured i'd settle for traditional egg noodles secretly Research. Yeah. I went to YouTube. I went to Whole Foods. And I... Fuck it. Fuck it. So, I figured I'd settle for traditional egg noodles, secretly hoping that mom used the moniker to refer to definition number two, wide variety of noodles, not potato dumplings. So, um...

So, what did... Did you get Kluski noodles? Or did you just get regular number two wide variety of noodles? I got number two wide variety of noodles. I got egg noodles. I could not find Kluski noodles because I don't think they exist. I have to admit, it was fun to pour in the two cups of hot coffee to make sure the ingredients. Whee!

Watch out! I felt like a kid in a science class working on an experimental substance. She's not wrong, really. Oh, this poor lady's got to get out more or have more coffee. I think those conversations with those Whole Foods employees was pretty long. Oh, my God. I was very tempted to pour in some hand soap too. What?

But refrained. It takes the edge off the coffee. So did you put hand soap in? I did not put any hand soap in. The recipe includes French onion fried onion rings as optional topping. I knew I needed all the help I could get to win my kids over with this dish.

My shitty, shitty kids. Or else I'm going to lose their funding. I needed to disguise the coffee and spinach in the casserole. So, of course, I opted to generously layer them on top. And now there's a horrifying photo. There's a photo of it that you can see pre-oven um oh that's pre-oven pre-oven oh yuck to my surprise the final casserole was amazing the coffee makes a dish taste smoky almost as if it was baked

over top a wood-burning stove. No. I'm glad I cut the amount of chopped spinach down from two boxes to one because I wouldn't want too many fucking vegetables. No, yeah.

The veggies weren't overpowering, but rather a nice compliment to the noodles and coffee and butter. I also took a mushroom break since the past two castles. Yeah, no kidding. Yeah. Sounds like you took a mushroom break since the past two casseroles. Yeah, no kidding. Yeah.

It sounds like you took a mushroom break. Yeah. Since the past two casseroles I've made this week contain mushrooms. And it's too similar to vegetables. Yeah, you wouldn't want to have too many mushrooms. All in all, a yummy casserole with an interesting twist. But beware, I didn't factor in the side effects of the caffeinated coffee i didn't think about what i was feeding my children my kids were bouncing

off the walls well until after 10 30 p.m on a school night oh my god i suggest using decaf coffee or serve it on a wheat on the weekend so it's a definite weekend casserole so um weekend so it's a definite weekend casserole so um yeah we're enjoying this nice weekend casserole i i did add the uh mushrooms okay um so i went off well i went on scripts and she went off scripts so right right um i don't know if i need uh let me real quickly i will give you the recipe for this. Oh yeah, the recipe. The recipe. So the ingredients. So, one 10 ounce package of noodles. Kluski noodles. I use regular egg noodles. Two sticks of butter. I used one and a half, she says.

Uh huh. Three quarter pound fresh sliced mushrooms. Two packages of frozen chopped spinach. I only used one box. Two packages Lipton's dry onion soup mix. One box. Two cups of rich brewed coffee. Maybe use decaf. And one can of French fried onion rings.

And so basically you cook the noodles, you saute the mushrooms, and then you put all the other shit in and you throw it in a dish. And then you throw some French fried onion rings on top and you bake it. Yeah, in the middle of the baking. In the middle of the baking. And I'm kind of mostly stalling because I don't want to put this in my mouth. But here we go. onion rings on top and you bake it. Yeah, in the middle of the baking. In the middle of the baking. I'm kind of mostly stalling because I don't want to put this in my mouth. But here we go. I've got to get a mushroom.

I've got to get a mushroom. I've got to get all the ingredients. Spinach. You know what? I mean, here's the thing. i can't taste the coffee yeah um i'm missing that smoky flavor so hold on i'm gonna come right back okay here he's gonna go get us more i think so achilles is improving the dish by pouring some of the liquid from the pan into

our dishes getting some of the hot stuff okay see if round two has more of that good good coffee flavor we all want in our casserole I mean honestly all I can taste is the onion mix.

Oh, Adam doesn't seem to think it's so good. Mm-mm. No, I, um... Exactly. Is it the strong flavor of what? It's the onion mix. It's totally the onion soup mix. Yeah, it's all you can taste, so...

So... Yeah, it's like you can taste. So, yeah, it's like just onion salt. It's just liquid onion salt. And I would love to taste coffee. The butter comes through pretty strong. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm starting red. I don't like it. I don't like it i don't like it either um it's nice that you can you know completely cover up the flavor of coffee that you're making your so you can

fuck up your kid's education but they don't have to know why it happened i stayed up till 10 30 yeah i think that's um that's it, I can't have any more. No. This now brings us to our second recording session, which begins with our own sonorously voiced John Toast. Joined in this recording by Portax, Jack Chick, Nutshell Gula, Kumquatsop, and myself, John Toast was presented with three different methodologies of cooking French toast,

all of which were innovative and exploratory, and all of which were sourced from WikiHow. Presented with these three options, John Toast chose to eschew both the revoltingly sweet French toast martini, made with Baileys and two kinds of schnapps, and also the potentially unsafe overnight French toast, and opt instead for a vegan French toast recipe made with tofu. I should mention before he begins that a number of photos from these recordings were shared and are available on the T-H-E-F-P-L dot U-S,

your home for not only merch, but also photos of indiscernible brown slime. not only merch, but also photos of indiscernible brown slime. Now, if everybody wants to follow along, I'll go over the recipe for it here real quick. So the ingredients are four slices of whole wheat bread, a half pound of soft tofu, a fourth of a cup of soy milk or rice milk. I went with soy milk. One teaspoon vanilla extract, one teaspoon cinnamon, a fourth of a cup of water,

and one tablespoon soy margarine. There's no sugar in this! Holy fucking shit, that's going to taste awful! Well, you know, little spoiler for the near future here, but I'll get to that. So I did do some i did do some substitutions i did uh white bread instead of whole wheat because i had it on hand and i did

a regular margin instead of soy margarine uh because in the document um i do like how i put this um i use regular margin for soy margarine because a i already had it and b fuck you if i think i'm hunting down soy margarine for this abomination you go to your local co-op and my mom used to make french toast with fucking whole wheat bread and it was nasty yeah nasty and like a pound of soy margarine only cost you like 1650 so yeah well i really missed out that was sounds like a deal um okay so the um so the basic process of this i won't read it um step by step uh let me get back to here but basically you uh take all the ingredients except the bread and the margarine you uh blend them up until it's liquefied you take the bread you dip it in that slurry um and then um you uh heat up the margarine over medium-high heat

and then you cook. So that's the general process. You dip it. You basically, as if it were like the egg and milk, you dip the bread in that and then you cook that and that's French toast. So in the doc, everybody else, if you want to follow along, I took a picture journey of that.

So first picture is the slurry that I made. No. I don't like this. And send the next picture for everybody. And I will check, but we can maybe make this available in the future. This looks like a raw milkshake. Pretty much. This looks like

Soylent in a solid. It reminds me of the vagina bread from that previous episode. Oh, I haven't listened to that one. I have something to look forward to. Okay. But so the next picture is the bread in the mixture. No, stop.

No. What sound did it make? It plopped. It kind of plopped. It kind of splorped. If you listen very closely, you can hear the scream of the bread. It's got a little mouth in the corner. It's like, dude, I'm a piece.

Yeah, it was like, man, I'm a piece of white bread from like a $1 loaf of bread. And even I don't deserve this. I'm like, I know. I'm sorry. I'm doing it for the internet. So next is the first piece of toast uh cooking in the pan now what's interesting is that um so i say here in the doc i haven't actually made real french toast like myself before so i didn't know but yeah no this is the real yeah that's the

now that you've tasted perfection how are you possibly gonna stick i know right well uh actually i have not tasted it yet we'll get to that um so um cold too yeah no it's gonna be great uh it's still a little warm still a little warm but we'll get to that um so uh it basically while it was cooking it just became kind of mushy like it says to brown it but it kind of browned in pieces like on there you can kind of see it in the picture and it just the bread just kind of became like kind of browned in pieces like on there. You can kind of see it in the picture. And it just, the bread just kind of became like kind of soggy and mushy and just kind of did that. So I was thinking, okay, maybe I soaked it too long. So the next piece of bread, I just kind of dipped and did it and it turned out about the same. So at the end of here, you can see the piece of margarine actually dropped in the slurry.

And the French toast, which, and here's the reveal, which I have in front of me. Oh no. Oh no, toast. You can do it? Let's see. Dramatic reveal. You're eating cold leftover tofu toast?

Mmm, smells great. It's still actually a little warm, just a tiny bit warm. I mean, cinnamon and vanilla, those are two good flavors, right? So, yeah. So, apologies. We can see about anything yet, but I have the plate right in front of me.

So apologies if it picks up on the mic. But, yeah. So, okay. So I did get myself, you know, for a little relief, just because they say serve it with fresh fruit, I have a little bit of strawberry jam here, but I'm going to do the first bite here. Let's see, cutting it off. Oh, actually, I thought it would be kind of tough, but cutting it off.

So, I've got a good amount on my fork here of two slices. Good little bit. Alright, so... Leaning in, eyes wide open. Alright, here we go. Alright, here we go.

Here we go. What's the bouquet? Oh, good God. Yep, that sure does taste like bread and tofu. Oh, God. Oh, it's not sweet at all. Good God, you were right. Oh, shit! There's it's not sweet at all. Oh, God, you were right.

Oh, shit, there's no sugar in the fucking recipe. Oh, Jesus Christ. It actually smelled okay when I was cooking it, but God damn. You have like a bucket or something you can hork into. No, it's not. It's just, it's actually, once I got over the initial shock, it's just more bland than anything. It just tastes like wet bread. Yeah.

Let's see. Okay, okay. I think it'll be better on the second bite. Do another bite there. Okay, so I will So I do have this jam. Let me get a little jam in there. Since I did the first one here. We got a little jam on the fork.

Here we go. Is that jam good? Welcome to the jam. Well, all I can taste is the jam, so that's a big improvement. All right. So now that you've experienced it, what sort of steps would you take, if any, if any, to improve on the flavor? Oh, well, Lemon, you're getting ahead of me because there's one final thing. So in the picture you see, I kind

of, so when I was cooking it, like part of the egg batter, quote unquote, it just kind of stuck to the pan and just kind of became this crust. So I have some of that crust I scraped off in my hand right now. So here we go.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Wow, that tastes burnt. Good God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Come on, Toast. Oh, God, that was worse than I thought.

You deglaze the pan with white wine and then add some calories. That actually had flavor, but it was not the flavor I wanted. Yeah. Jesus Christ. With white wine, you set that on fire

and then you toss the whole thing out the window. I believe the technical term for what you just ate was kitchen waste. Yeah. Well, somebody was talking

about toaster leavens earlier. So, Lemon, I think you were asking me something just just if there was any way if there was any way to improve on the flavor of this recipe uh i think it would have to have flavor first good yeah like it didn't even spoons of vanilla extract is that what you think would really yeah no and a lot more cinnamon because like it really totally it didn't taste like cinnamon to make my whole kitchen smell like cinnamon for the whole night when i cooked it yesterday at all

possible that the the not using the soy margarine was the real problem you know what that was it and i didn't even use wheat bread all right so um yeah i should totally make it again with the right ingredients and i bet it will taste great. Yep, yep, yep. Alright! Nice. Jesus fucking Christ. From that same recording, up next is Portex, presenting her recipe for mashed potato ghosts. Before John Toast's segment, I told you to go to

thefbl.us to see photos. And while you might have ignored that instruction the first time around, you should probably do it this time. Because there's a twist that happens in the middle of this that sort of needs a visual medium. And in fact, I've actually recut this recording into a YouTube video titled, Portax Cooks, Animates, and Eats a Mashed Potato Ghost. So, if you're interested,

here's what I'd recommend for you. Go to this episode's page on the website, which is thefbl.us slash episode slash 313. Go there, watch the YouTube video I put up there, and then

skip this episode to... 38 minutes and 40 seconds. For Frank West's segment, which comes up next. No? All right, then. Here's Portex. So, uh, this, uh, this recipe was selected for me because it was, uh, called uh, mashed potatoes with dot eyes, is how

it was labeled. So, it's pretty cute. Um, this is mashed potato ghosts. Um, the, uh, recipe itself says seriously cute mashed potato ghosts are the perfect addition to any Halloween dinner party.

It's seriously cute. It's really potato-dressed or something like that. Yeah, so... They have all the ingredients and stuff like that, but... What's the website that you took this from? What was it? Easy Peasy Meals. How many Zs are in Easy Peasy Meals?

Way too many. That was my question. More than it should be allowed for a website. A spooky amount. A spooky spooky. So the instructions that they have here is put potatoes in a saucepan, add half a teaspoon salt, add water until potatoes are covered, bring to a boil, reduce heat and then simmer, covered for 15-20

minutes or until done. Then you melt the butter and stir in the cream. You drain water from potatoes, reserving some, I guess some water, or perhaps some potatoes. Then you put hot potatoes into a bowl, add cream of melted butter, and then one tablespoon of reserved liquid.

And then use a mashed potato masher to mash the taters until well mashed. Mash, mash, mash. Use a spoon to continue stirring and mashing, adding more liquid until you get the desired consistency. Then you add salt and pepper to taste. Then you stir in parmesan cheese and one already beaten egg. then you start parmesan cheese and one already beaten egg now all that stuff just disregard all that because it says

you can actually just get instant potatoes and just skip to step 12 and I'm a busy person alright I have been painting and animating non-stop for the past month I don't care what it actually takes I have been painting and animating non-stop for the past month. Look, this recipe on Gamer Mode.

I don't care what it actually tastes like. Right. Potato ghost, any percent, is go. So at step 12, you stir in the Parmesan cheese and one already beaten egg. Then you put the potato, or sorry, you put the poteotes in a piping bag or a ziplock with the corner cut off and then pipe your ghosts into a lined baking sheet and you put black peppercorns in the eyes and then

375 degrees in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes. So, again, I'm way too busy for all that, so I figured, well, the potatoes are instant. Why don't we just make everything instant? Right? So I have the instant

potatoes for the tater ghost. But since it's supposed to be a ghost-tato, a potato-geist, a palm-de-terror, then you've got to start like, a model sheet, right? So there's my model sheet.

I have drawn a happy ghost, and those are my... Gendy Tartofsky's potato ghost. Yeah, my potato ghost is right there. So as you see, I have my instant tater dust into the bowl. Like, I had

an egg, so, like, egg just fucking goes into the bowl. I had an egg, so egg just fucking goes into the bowl. The parmesan, I had some parmesan, but I also figured to add in, to give it some extra spice, to also stir in some parmesan from an unrelated instant noodle pack.

So, all that gets kind of sort of shoved together into this mush. Good. It looks like scrambled eggs. So it needs to... Yeah, all good taters look like your scrambled eggs. So I felt like that at that point I didn't really need the oven.

It's all instant. So I just kind of shoved that shit into the microwave. Because it's instant. Obviously. Obviously. And, um... I think you just got, like, the potato ghost game genie. I did! I told you, I don't

got time for any of this shit. So, so when they took it out, I, like, there wasn't, I didn't look at any pictures of what it was supposed to look like, so I pulled it out, and I put Ziploc bags on both of my hands to mold it into a ghost shape.

Well, at least in the original recipe. So, fuck, that was kind of the ghost shape I ended up with Oh my god Look It's beautiful Look, the thing is though

When you're doing art, art is subjective And normally As you all know, I like to put bright colors Onto my art And so I was like, well, we need some colors, but again, I don't have a lot of time. Is there anything in the fridge that gives me a lot of colors? Well, I saw in the fridge, I already

had a TV dinner butternut squash meal that had different vegetables and some peapods and stuff like that. So I figured, we're just gonna throw that shit on top of Tater Ghost, and

give it some color. Beautiful! Beautiful! So, see, he even has a little tongue in there, and he's got peas for the dot eyes. Tater Ghost! That is definitely

beautiful. Yeah, he's got little arms and stuff like that. I just want everybody to know Potato Ghost is my friend, no one else's. So, I realized, okay, so this kind of, I was like, okay, now I've molded this thing like clay, right?

I've molded Tater Ghost like clay. We have this lump. He's got the fangs. He's got the little pepper tongue. He's got the peas for the dot eyes. He's got the pea pod arms, and he's got little peppers for the stripes and the markings and stuff. It looks, I was thinking, you know what? This looks kind of like a stop motion character.

Right? And I haven't done stop motion in years. So I present to thee my finest creation. Yeah, that gift's loading. That gift's loading.

Great. Here come tater ghosts. I'm so excited. Yeah, that gift's loading. That gift's loading. Yes. Great. Oh, I am anticipating. Here come tater ghosts. Here come tater ghosts. Yay. I love it. I fucking love it. Awesome.

I like soap. he eats bread there's a whole other story arc he turns into an antlion a bird and then he ascends after he's crushed by a spoon so I did this by I had my phone masking tapes to a box uh in front of the thing and i had one hand uh in the ziploc bag mushing the tater ghost around and i had the other hand

like turning the bowl um not touching it but i did reserve some of tater ghost to actually consume so i do have some of it here. So we're going to see what... It's rather secondary at this point. Yeah, oh yeah. Look, I spent more time trying to get that gift to export than making it. Alright, so... Tater Ghost really likes that chicken.

He does. I mean, it fucking just tastes like fucking potatoes with an egg in it. It doesn't really taste good. Dark Souls tater ghost. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So your verdict was...

Yeah, verdict is it tastes like fucking potatoes with a bunch of instant... shit put into it. I feel like, I mean, if you're taking potato powder and then putting an egg in it and putting that in the microwave, you're making something close to kindergarten

paste, right? Right, yeah, that's exactly what it felt like when I was mushing it around. Do you see how... look, that held together way better than it should. Do you see how look that held together way better than it should. You should not be

able to animate a tater goose. That's the thing right if you would have actually used potatoes it would have been a problem. Right that would

have made it less good. This is art. You made like the non-cake version of fondant. Savory fondant. Yeah, there you go. That's better.

Yeah, it'll be an entire Netflix series. That's what you used to put the final layer on your meatloaf cake. Yeah, see? Meatloaf cake with rolled savory fondant. I cannot get enough of this gift. I know, it's really great. You guys can keep... I want to say, I took the time to make his eyes blink

whenever he's moving around. I'm just saying. I replaced the peas with smushed peas so he blinks his eyes. Oh my god. Oh, you're right. Wow. Totally didn't notice that at all.

It's the little touches. Now we're hearing the Blu-ray extra behind the scenes. Holy crap. Alright, well, thank you, Ports. No problem. Thank you. Jesus. Thanks for letting us know how to make potato ghosts.

Yeah, that's how you make potato ghosts. And you got a delicious meal out of it. Yeah, delicious. Mmm, it's just starch all the way down. Up next is Frank West's segment, and at the risk of telegraphing a joke, hey, do you know those quick cuts they do all the time on popular YouTube channels? It turns out Audacity, which is the program I use to edit these episodes, has a setting that will automatically remove any millisecond of silence from a recording.

Anyway, that's just something I thought I'd mention before Frank West brings you an Instructables recipe for gamer sandwiches. Uh, hey guys, what's up, what's up, what's up, it's your boy Frank West coming at you with another Hot Game Minute. This time I got something for you called a recipe, which is apparently a lot like food, only instead of coming in a box

you gotta assemble it yourself. Crazy. Let's take a look at these gamer sandwiches. These are a true gamer's gamers snack i think you're a little bit too low energy for youtube there frank well i mean we're gonna cut once this goes up on youtube you're gonna cut out all of the spaces in between my words yeah yeah just quick cuts you haven't told me to smash any bells yet and i'm very confused i just assume you're smashing those bells all day, baby.

This is my channel. I don't even got to do that level of promotion anymore. We're getting a sponsorship deal. So what's in your sandwich there? You did eight slices of bread. Some capsicum. I think you pronounce it that way. You need a half of a large bell pepper should be enough.

You may go for multiple colors if you'd like. Some mushroom, a few olives, some mozzarella cheese, or like any cheese. It doesn't really matter. Cheese is all the same, man. Some sweet corn, some oil, some salt and any other seasoning, and a pan, and an oven pre-hungry. Fuck me. Preheated to 150 degrees centigrade. If I could go through the units of measurement in your recipe.

It's eight slices, some, some, a few, an indeterminate amount, some, some, an indeterminate amount, one, and one. Yes. And 150 degrees, that is a unit of number. And double that quantity.

Here's the thing, though. Double the quantity of your two players, so instead of some, do two of some. And instead of 150 degrees centigrade, make it 300 degrees centigrade. Instead of one cheese, do two cheese. Or any two cheese. So for your first, step two, slice and dice. You slice up all the stuff.

Nice step. Step three. Literally, I'm barely paraphrasing. Drizzle and sizzle. You heat some oil in a wide pan at a medium heat. You add the diced mushroom. Add the vezzies. Fuck me.

Add the veggies and saute it. I just can't get words out there. It's very hard. I'm not high. This is not me. I'm not high energy. It's very hard to be this. Come and help you.

Come quite a bit. You need some help you you need to upgrade your blood sugar go eat food yes okay hold on you're right i gotta get the kumquat add the veggies and saute for five minutes until the veggies soften slightly toss in the olives and sweet corn let it cook for a minute or two more reduce the heat to low shred the mozzarella or any other cheese you like and add it to the mix while it is still hot. Add salt and any other seasoning to taste and keep the mixture warm at low heat and proceed to the next step. Now, but step four, time to carve. Carve the slice of bread into the shape sewn.

So, we're using the shapes on the PlayStation controller. Um, I know you all know what those look like. Make sure, Mom, that you use a knife for this step. But, uh, so, for a triangle, you have to cut twice along a diagonal to make it look like. Make sure mom lets you use a knife for this step. But, uh... So, for a triangle, you have to cut twice along a diagonal to make it look like a triangle. Oh, shit.

Thanks, buddy. So, for a square, you gotta use just a whole slice because it's already square. Oh, is that how we just turn into a square? Okay. How bread becomes square.

If you wanna use a circle, for the circle, you gotta use a can or a bottle or a cookie cutter to get the shape right because you ain't gonna freehand that shit. Let's be real.

Your hands are arthritic pieces of shit after all the gaming you've been doing. It goes with my empty monster cans. Just boop. You can also use a Pringles can. Pro tip. Ooh, that'd be better. And for an X, you gotta cut four

small triangles out at the center of each edge of the slice. And then for the top pieces, you do the same thing I just said, but again. Step five. Stack them. Put some cheese as shown, just sort of around the bread. Uh, this is just to make the top slick to the bottom when the cheese melts. Right. That's the only reason why you put cheese

on a sandwich. It's just for architectural reasons. Yeah, it's load-bearing cheese. Step five. Uh, sorry. Fill the holes Fill the hollows With a veggie mix And then place the sandwiches On a baking tray

Step 6 Fire in the hole Just a little Gamer humor For you guys Gently toast the sandwiches In the oven For about a minute

And don't burn it Step 7 Game on Plate up and game on Hell yeah I don't need you To cook for me mom I can make my own food now.

So, I understand why the sandwiches need to be cut into those shapes. Why do they need to be terrible? Because they're pizza flavor. Why not even just like pepperoni on there? Like, why the fuck

sweet corn and bell peppers? And some oil. Some oil of... You don't put sweet corn on your pizza, do you? You do here. You put sweet corn on your gamer sandwich pizzas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frank West, was this recipe submitted for any contests? Was it? I didn't even look. Let's see. I hope so. Contests. What, like Evo? Contests.

Oh, this participated in the snacks contest 2017. And where did it place in the snacks contest? You'll have to answer that. I can't find that either. It did not. DNR. And now we're into our third recording session. This one's got Boots Rangier, Bunny Bread, Squitty, Victor Laszlo, Stog, Nutshell Gulag, and myself.

Starting us off here, Squdy has a quick and easy recipe for Amaretto Sour Cherry Popsicles, which is made like so. Well, you start out with orange juice, amaretto, lemon juice, juice of one lime, a bag of frozen sweet cherries, and my Nutribullet.

And then you put the cherries into the blender, and then you add... It says on the thing that you can add it in any order you like, so... Oh. So many possibilities. I call bullshit. So I got real excited about that because I like to

just do what I want. And so I added the lemon juice first and then I juiced that lime and it turns out that the juice of one lime is about an ounce of lime juice. And so then I added the amaretto and then I added

the orange juice and then it looked real gross, like real gross because it's orange juice and then all these black cherries and all this brown Amaretto. Very disgusting. Is there zest? Was I supposed to add zest? Just by being there, you added zest. Thank you. So that's, um, that's it in my Nutribullet there. And then I blended it up and then it looked really, really, really good.

And... So then when you had it all blended and ready, what's the next thing you did? Oh, I drank it. Well, first... Well, like, after giving yourself

a makeover, right? Yeah, yeah. I put on my kimono and I put on some... some eye patches and did my hair. Did a ready to do a... Did you try one with the eye patches?

Yeah. It probably tasted better. Well, you have to know that I have fine lines and wrinkles because I am a mom. So I have to use fancy eye masks. So you put on an eye mask. And then I sat in the bathroom on the toilet because I'm about to consume like 12 ounces of cherries. So this has been in the freezer.

Are you ready? Yes. Okay. so i thought so this has been in the freezer you're right are you ready yes okay the problem is is now that it's in this this uh thing i have to do you have them to lemon i do yeah okay so i have to squeeze it it's like a push pop thing yeah all right so uh my first time with the sour amaretto cherry and you guys it is so fucking good. Like, I feel like somebody actually, when they were giving me this, is like, I'm gonna do her a salad. Or something that's really good. Because it's... Alright, well...

Yeah, this is, I mean... I'm sure Nut Shell will feel the same way. It's pretty sour, but like, it's tasty. I mean, it doesn't have any booze that you can taste. Yeah, yeah, this wouldn't get you drunk no and so that's why it's just the dumbest thing in the world because you could make something like this and also my fingers are really cold from touching it but because like amaretto is like what's 40 proof maybe it's super low barely thatly that, yeah. So one shot of Amaretto would probably be like a half a shot of spirits. All right.

That's good. All right. Well, shit. All right. Well, we got our soothing starter here. Who's next? Well, I can answer that, Lemon. Boots Reingear is next with a recipe for terrible English-style poutine

served with a side of defamatory statements about your mother. I should mention here that this one lands slightly better if you've seen the Canadian television show Letterkenny. Boots, what do you got? Yeah, my name's not Boots. Yeah, my name's... Address him accordingly. My name's Robin, spell the Y, fuck you.

Okay, Rob Wine. Anyway, whether you're out for a rip in the reef or fucking giving it in your ski-do or at home just fucking the dog, you deserve some goddamn poutine. And this is my fucking recipe for poutine. Boots, is it a good recipe for poutine? Fuck you!

Shut the fuck up, Lemon. I porked your mom in the stockroom of a Bed Bath & Beyond. She picked up a Precious Moments figurine to add to your collection. Courtesy of us old-time students at Fenland Falls, which is the jewel of the goddamn Kawarthas. This is how I ate poutine almost every day my high school days.

Oh, the memories. People say real poutine must have mozzarella cheese curds. I emphatically disagree. In every restaurant I've been into in Ontario, they use shredded cheese. have mozzarella cheese curds, I emphatically disagree. Oh, God. In every restaurant I've been into in Ontario, they use shredded cheese. If you're like me and prefer the English-Canadian version, not that fucking Quebec version,

fuck Quebec. Fucking frogs. What'd you do to Quebec's mom? Fuck you, Bunny Bread. I plowed your mom into Denny's bathroom. Her moons over my hammy was room temperature by the time she ate it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Boots, that hurts. Good. It hurt your mom too?

Fuck off. My mom died recently. I should have mentioned that beforehand. Fuck you, Victor. Your mom was screaming Judge Reinhold's name last night when we banged all night. What's that all about? What's the deal? Anyway, if you're like me

and you prefer the english canadian version non-cheese curds and want to try something different try this ingredients two servings 868 cows so you're gonna want three potatoes cut into fries uh one quart vegetable oil for frying half cup beef gravy or as needed. A half cup of shredded mozzarella cheese or to taste. It's your choice whether or not you're going to taste the mozzarella. Two tablespoons of mayonnaise or to taste. One tablespoon ketchup or to taste.

A half cup of shredded lettuce and salt and ground black pepper to taste so what you do is you heat oil and deep fry or large saucepan to 375 degrees fry potatoes and batches in the hot oil until tender and golden brown about five minutes remove the drain on plate lined with paper towels heat gravy and small saucepan over medium heat until heated through about five minutes spread a layer of fries into two bowls Sprinkle with cheese and add small amount of gravy. Repeat these layers once. Squirt each serving with one tablespoon mayonnaise and one and a half teaspoons of ketchup. Sprinkle each bowl with half the lettuce, season with salt and pepper. Cook's note. Of course, you could just make it with the fries Cheese and gravy but anyone could figure that out

This is what my Friends and I used to call Big Mac Poutine Prep time really just depends On whether you make the ingredients Or buy them from the store I prefer frozen fries for this mixture Yeah and fresh gravy Is always better

Okay okay But you opted for the canned poutine gravy. Yeah. And then it ended up looking like that. Yeah, I went to the store and they had some fucking St. Hubert's canned poutine gravy. And St. Hubert's is a real good rotisserie chicken restaurant in Canada up here. So their gravy is the best. Super fucking watery.

It's awesome. Is that French Canada or English Canada it's fucking Quebec Canada but we'll fucking deal with it also fuck you squiddy your mom tried to blow me while I was dropping a deuce I told her I'm saving

that for the right person lemons mom anyway I was I put this recipe up And some guy named Boots Ringgear Recorded some just fucking audio of him eating this food I don't know why So here's what that sounds like

I'm going to press the right button on my thing Hey yo it's your boy Boots Ringgear here I'm going to eat the right button on my thing. Hey, yo, it's your boy Boots Reingear here. I'm going to eat some Fenland Falls poutine that a pal of mine sent me a recipe for. Thanks, Neil. So, boy, this is a mess. Let's see how it goes. Oh, it's all the flavors. All the flavors I want to get the mayonnaise. All the flavors at once. You get the mayonnaise.

You get the iceberg lettuce. You get the mozzarella. There's nothing better than hot mayonnaise. Mmm. You know what? It's all right. But I think... I think we can go a little further with this.

I think we can go a little further with this. Let's get some... Oh, okay. See what's in the fridge. All right. I got some mustard. Oh, no. I got some Franks.

Some Franks and some Frenches. All right, great. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the water from the mustard. That's perfect. It's going to be so good. It's going to be so good. It's going to be so good. Best protein.

Frank's. A whole lot of Frank's on that. Take a quick picture of this. It's the best, man. Oh. Oh. Oh. And they're just cut off there for some reason. I think he died.

That was the sound of somebody enjoying themselves. Did you die? Is that what happened? Shut up, stog. I took your mom out to a dinner theater, and she screamed out that the fucking butler did it with a half a stale brownie in her mouth. It was the merchant of fucking Venice.

Oh, so you're not dead then. No, no. See, Boots is dead. This is Robin with a Y. Fuck you, nutshell. I made your mom cum so hard, she took you off her insurance policy and put me on it.

It's now split 50 50 between me and tommy anyway get your fucking family falls poutine done oh well that was great that was great how long were you up writing Shorzy jokes? I did that in like the 45 minutes Before we started Because I didn't recognize those So those were your own Shorzy jokes I'm not just going to steal Shorzy jokes

I'll do it. I'm not quite as prepared as Boots. But I do want to thank you all for being here. Because as many of you know, I've struggled with addictions. Whether it's like pills, booze, pogs, Golden Girls reruns. Hogs? Yeah, pogs. Oh, they said hogs. No, pogs.

Also, fuck you. I fucked Boots Mom so hard she went back in time to kill Hitler. 400 to 500 hogs. But not hogs like giant pigs. No, no. Hogs like a euphemism for other penises. And Harley Davidson's. Pogs. Both. Yes.

Gotcha. Pogs, hogs, and hogs. Anyway, is there a recipe? No! Okay. Jesus. Hogs, hogs, and logs. Also, fuck you, Lemon! I fucked Boots Mom so bad, I turned her inside out.

Jesus. Nicely done. Some body-ore shit. All right. First and foremost, though, when it comes to my addictions, is something that hundreds of famous and handsome men have been using as an excuse every single year, and that is sex addiction.

I've been dealing with sex addiction for my entire life, and despite the best efforts of every single episode of this Godforsaken podcast, I still crave sex constantly. The therapy is not working! This is the entire reason for us doing this! Ten years of this! What will kill your boner? Yeah, I don't think anything.

Now, I want to thank Neil for sending me this, because he said that this will cure it no matter what. This is the old witch's spell, McGickaggle, and it's supposed to take care of it.

And it is entitled Boob Cake. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with either of those two words, yeah, I'm not going to explain them. Now, this here is cake. So it's like a cake with boobs. Oh shit, Stog.

Oh, I never thought about it that way. Also, fuck you, Stog! I fucked Boots so hard he pronounced about correctly when he reaches orgasm. Here's what you're going to need for a boob cake if you're just like me. You're going to need four and a half cups of flour. Three cups of sugar. A half a cup of cocoa.

Turns out this was not a stripper's name, but in fact a powdery substance that does nothing when you snort it. One tablespoon of baking soda. One and a half teaspoons of salt. One cup of salad oil, so set aside some of the salad oil you're using on your own dick. Three tablespoons of white vinegar. Yes, same deal with the dick. One tablespoon of vanilla, also not a stripper's name, it turns out. Three cups of cold water.

vanilla, also not a stripper's name, it turns out. Three cups of cold water. And then you're also going to need to be creating frosting because it's not just the cake. You need the frosting or else the spell won't work. So you're going to start with 16 ounces of cream cheese, four ounces of butter, two teaspoons of stripper, one and a half to two pounds of powdered sugar, two small gumdrops. And gumdrops is not a pair of strippers. Again, I'm really confused while making this. Yellow food coloring, red food coloring, and green food coloring. You're going to need all three.

So, you know, slow down, stop, and then go again. Right? All right. Now, for the cake, you're going to sift the first five ingredients to a large bowl. Okay? Now, then next, you add the next four ingredients and mix well. So far, we got like 20 ingredients, and we're doing fine. Fill two small stainless steel mixing bowls.

Mine are about seven inches in diameter and four inches deep or so. No, it goes deeper than four inches, baby. To a depth of about two inches with batter. No need to grease. If you went deep enough, it takes care of itself. Wait, I don't think that's how... Fuck you! I fucked Boots' dad so exquisitely,

he immediately immigrated to the U.S. Exquisite, he shouted. Exquisitely. That's what he says when reaching orgasm. It's weird. Mom says excelsior. It was just odd. All right.

So anyways, greasing and bowls and whatnot. Pour remainder of the batter into a 9x13 pan. 9x13, any unit of measurement you like. Great. 9 yards by 13 yards, yep. Yes, yes, yes. pan. 9x13. Any unit of measurement you like. Great. In a 350 oven, that's the name brand of an oven, I think, bake the bowls for about 20 minutes and the 9x13 about 30 minutes.

Cool those cakes completely. Cool that shit off, baby. Slow it down. Get into it. Feel it. Oh, this isn't working at all for sex addiction. For the frosting... Smash those cakes, bunny bread. Fuck you!

I had sex with Tommy so damn good he left you immediately. I told you to stay away from my cat, you fucker. Yes, I am a fucker. I think that says more about you than it does about her. Beat cream cheese well. Also, then add the butter and vanilla and beat that shit till smooth.

Add powdered sugar until you like the consistency and that sweetness. Mix eight, count them, eight drops of yellow food coloring. Six, six drops of red and two drops of green.

I hope you got that shit correct because i didn't add coloring mixture a few drops at a time until you get a good fleshy flesh color right now the colors i have given in this case are for a caucasian color i fucked up bad i know i was going for naomi campbell went way the hell off. Way off. Oh, so bad. So a Caucasian is eight yellows, six reds, and two greens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said you were into web design, you should have known that shit. That RMCK or whatever.

That's the hex value, yeah. For darker skin tones, you might try using blue instead of green. And see what the food coloring box suggests for you to make titty cakes food coloring boxes always have suggestions like this are you making titty cakes i won't stop you but just know this in advance invert the large layer onto a serving tray if desired split it into two layers and frost in between as well as on top place the boobs appropriately and frost them. No, no, not what you think. Turns out you were supposed to use the cream cheese stuff that you were making earlier.

Again, I had to make several cakes until I got it right. Save a few tablespoons of frosting and add additional food coloring mixture to it in order to get a good color for the nipples and areolas. You want to get it right, people. Come on now. This is your graduation cake, I think. Working on nipples all week in the lab.

It's your quinceañera, and I made you a cake. Thanks, Grandma. Your graduation from Naughty America University. Well, the bar mitzvah was going great until this guy showed up with a cake of oh now you frost the areolas then coat the gumdrops with frosting and place them in the middle of the areolas right you know where nipples go good so you know just uh after that just enjoy the reaction you know that's it that's the end so i i do want to thank every one of you again uh especially neil for trying to help and i i mixed i mixed the cake i baked it i fucked it

and yeah it did absolutely nothing i mean i'm at half mass right now it's just it looks well it looks pretty good on the post fuck no you don't want to see that. You want to see a picture of my dick. It's all, like, flesh-colored now. Wait, what color was it before? It's Caucasian. Oh, you know, it was a gleaming bright light. You can't look directly at it. It is the one. It is, yep.

That's what was in the suitcase. yeah so uh so uh this document uh once again uh was given to us by neil uh neil has done a bunch of things uh over the years for the podcast which we very much appreciated until now until until now i've appreciated the contributions that Neil has made. But then he sent me this, and then I said to Boots, oh, this looks fun. And Boots was like, what if we actually made the shit? And I was like, that's a great idea, Boots. So fuck you, Neil. Fuck you, Boots. I'm still having mom drink slushy over here.

I am living my best life. I fucking hate cooking. I am living my best life. I fucking hate cooking. So this is... So Neil sent me to a website called delightfulvegans.com. I went to delightfulvegans.com for a recipe that Neil has titled Tom Yuck Soup. But the site describes as raw Tom Ka soup. Whoa.

So Tom Ka soup is, of course, delicious and only made more delicious by eating vegan and not cooking anything. So first, it was off to the grocery store to buy the 150 fucking ingredients to make this fucking shit. Yay. to the grocery store to buy the 150 fucking ingredients to make this fucking shit. I threw away the receipt so I don't know exactly how much money I spent and it was made more

expensive because I got so angry at all the crap I had to buy that I ended up buying four things of Pringles. And they're all gone now. You ate them all already. Well, yeah, okay. So that's true. Four tubes of medicinal Pringles. Here is me getting myself started on the thing.

So I have an entire crisper drawer full of produce as well as, like, a bunch of other products. And so, okay, so now I need to go through the instructions presented in this recipe. So the recipe says, okay, what I want you to do is I want you to just dice up some cabbage. No problem. I can dice up cabbage. That sounds fine. And then it said, okay, now that you've diced up the cabbage, what I want you to do is I want you to grate the carrots.

And I was like, well, I don't know exactly why you want me to grate carrots, but sure. I'll guess I'll grate the carrots if that's what you want. And then it was like, okay, now that you've grated the carrots, what I want you to do is I want you to grate, um, zucchini. And I was like, why am I grating zucchini? That's very, very strange to me. very strange to me. And then it demanded that I cut up my red bell peppers very thinly. And then that

part being done, then it was the step. Okay, I'm going to read the step in full for what to do with the vegetables. Put the vegetables into a bowl and add the olive oil, lime juice, and salt.

Mix well and set aside. So that's all. Just put that shit in a bowl. Way too little salt and some lime. Now, at this point, I had something that was, I mean, basically just like sort of like a beginning of a slaw. Salad salad? Yeah, I mean like a beginning of a slaw. It wasn't a good slaw, but you could see how this slaw could be good. So, okay, awesome.

Now, the next thing I had to do was I had to put together the next step, which was the konjac noodles, sesame oil, and tamari. sesame oil, and tamari. And for that step, it said, well, go ahead and just rinse the noodles and then put those in sesame oil and let marinate. So as you know, if you just, like, put soy sauce on noodles, it looks and tastes really good, and it just marinades, and, like, the flavor just gets more delicious over time. And also, it just looks terrific just really really really nice

also i didn't know you were taking up knitting yeah also if you if you are paying attention here you'll note that this is a raw vegan recipe uh and i am now at this point using soy sauce, which is cooked. Whoops. Because no raw recipe fucking pays attention to its own goddamn rules. So that said, now we get to make the vegan broth. Mmm, the vegan broth. Okay, so here's the first thing that I did where I actually had to cheat because I went to the grocery store and the grocery store did not have the young coconut that the recipe demanded. And so I didn't – oh, and Victor points out that the noodles are also cooked.

So good job. Good job. Good job all around, vegan raw recipe. Okay, so they didn't have the raw coconut. And then in order to get the actual coconut, I would have had to go like like, crosstown to the Asian grocery store, and I didn't feel like it. So instead, I got this coconut juice. Same thing, right? Same thing.

Is it good? It's basically, right? It's just the coconut water and the meat kind of grinded up. It's got, like, the little sort of chunks in there like a bubble tea has. So this is starting off really good. Now the thing demands that I zest a lime. Okay, so I'm going to zest a lime and put that into the concoction. No problem.

Now everything else that I've been reading here, it's been very explicit about what I would do with the product itself. The cabbage is finely chopped, the carrot is grated, the zucchini grated, blah blah blah blah blah. Then I wanted me to put in a clove of garlic, and the recipe just said one clove of garlic.

So, fucking okay, I guess a clove of garlic is just gonna go in there. Whatever. Is that unpeeled even? Oh yeah, of course it's Fucking, okay, I guess a clove of garlic is just going to go in there, whatever. Is that unpeeled even? Oh, yeah, of course it's unpeeled. It didn't say peel the garlic. It never said peel the garlic. What do you think raw means?

You let the garlic dissolve in the concoction. So then the recipe goes on to say that I'll need two centimeters of ginger. And again, that's the only thing it says. So, you know, bloop, here goes the two centimeters of ginger. Just I cut it randomly out of the middle of it. And then it says galangal. And I was like, where did I put the galangal? Fuck it. Ginger is basically like galangal, and I was like, where did I put the galangal? Fuck it.

Ginger is basically like galangal, so let's just bloop another ginger in there as well. So now we're in good shape. Things are going real well. It's time to add the most necessary thing that you always get inside of Tom Ka soup, which is, of course, cherry tomatoes. We'll just dump all of those cherry tomatoes in there. It needs an entire cup. This is me following the recipe, basically. So I dumped in the cherry tomatoes.

Then in addition to the zest of the lime, I had to squeeze a lime in there. Um, and then, and then at that point now I have three separate bowls and I was just supposed to like, let those, because obviously cooking is like fucking sinful and like bad. So I just had to like, let those flavors just like hang out with each other. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And I mean, just, this is a broth you're making. Yeah, this is a broth. Yeah, I'm making a broth. Like Grandma makes. I made all of the important components of a broth. A chunk of ginger, unpeeled garlic, and cherry tomatoes. It's a broth.

Yeah, so I made this broth, and then, of course, just off camera was this. I was just eating Pringles the entire time. And then, of course, you know, like, so then over time, you remember the noodles from earlier, right? How they're supposed to, like, marinate and look real good? Well, they did. I think they really got a lot more delicious and tasty looking.

And so what? What? and tasty looking. And so what I ended up with. The bubble exploded. That's a very fine Brillo pad you've got going on there. Thank you. Thank you very much. So I put all of that together into a single bowl. And boy, I got to say, this bowl is pretty presentable and I've got it right here I've got my gauju Jang and my sriracha next to it just in case

just in case this flavor might be in some way lacking which I don't see why it would be mmm let me just mix in the Let me just mix in the... It smells so strong. It smells so strong. Okay. I'm just going to mix this in here. Get a nice... Make sure I got...

I got to get... Make sure I got enough noodles in here. Yeah, there we go. Okay. It's so good, he's dying. This was a sous-sac, babe. What? Good!

Get in there! What? So maybe a touch of the sriracha, perhaps? Oh, shit! It's so sweet! Oh, that's... That's what you get for using the fucking coconut juice. This recipe is your fault.

There's like this... God. There's like this head fake from all the green onions Yeah. This recipe is your fault. God. There's like this head fake from all the green onions that I put in there on the top. So like, it starts out making you think that it's going to be soup. And then all of a sudden it's just like, okay, dump a bunch of sriracha in there. Now, now, okay, there we go. Now I just get all that sriracha on that spoon. And then get the rest of that.

Mmm. Mmm. Now it's hot and sweet. Oh. It's so weird how it tastes like the ingredients. No. Oh. Oh, and now it hurts.

In addition to being. The complicated chemistry of raw food. Oh, no. You would think that i mean because i left it in there for like i don't know like four or five hours right that's how like raw cooking works isn't it you just like yeah let things like their chakras like co-mingle in a bowl yeah you cook it in the you you run in the blender long enough so it cooks it And somehow you get to use that as an excuse Yeah

Fuck God damn it Alright well Now that you've seen what this looks like In a bowl Let me show you a picture Of what it looks like in it's most natural receptacle Which is the toilet

Now you gotta get a new toilet. That toilet's gonna remember this. It does. Oh, oh. Oh, is it my turn? I think so. Oh, sorry. It's just like I've been,

I've been like super depressed all this week and I had to learn how to cook for this. So usually all my meals are just like, I just buy a bunch of vegetables from the store and I dip them in some olive oil and I eat them that way. It's like I have a onion dipped some olive oil, and I eat them that way. It's like I have onion dipped in olive oil. I have onion dipped in sunflower oil.

You said meals. Yeah. No, it's cooking. It's cooking. I made it hot first. I put the ingredients in the microwave. Oh, okay. But anyway, Neil came to me, and he said oh oh stog you look you look depressed

and i said oh thank you thank you for noticing neil it's just like it's so nice that someone someone recognizes the uh the horrible mortal coil that i am trapped in and i have to that i have to go through and he said maybe if you cook maybe if you tried something new like cooking, it'll help you lift your spirits. And I said, okay, what do I cook? And Neil said, I want you to make some simple parsnip pancakes. Simple? Alright. Yeah, it's really

simple. Yeah, parsnips. I have a tweet. I like pancakes. Yeah, what could go wrong? So, you know, I cooked it and I documented it on Twitter ahead of one day before the episode happened so that everyone could check out my awesome parsnip eating skills. You're an influencer, Doc. Yeah, I'm an influencer.

Everybody likes... Can I ask a question about your thumb? Yeah. What happened? Is it always like that? That's his question. Well, it's like that now because I had to learn how to use chopsticks, and now my thumb is stuck that way.

learn how to use chopsticks and now my thumb is stuck that way um so here are the uh here are the ingredients for a simple pars parsley pancakes like no no it's parsnips okay okay time dot is Time.is. Anyway, the ingredients are 25 meters, two servings, 194 kels, one cup grated peeled parsnips, two small eggs, one fourth of a cup of finely chopped onion, one tablespoon of my favorite thing to eat in the world, olive oil, one half teaspoon of salt, one half teaspoon of dried rosemary, ground black pepper to taste, optional, one teaspoon sunflower oil, or more is needed. Anyway, I sampled some of the ingredients while I was cooking this

because I got hungry. And you know, I'm just trying new things, but I have to go back to bad old habits like I usually do. So I made myself some chopped onion cereal in sunflower oil. It's good.

You should try it sometime. It's lovely. Anyway, you combine the parsnips, the eggs, the onion, the olive oil, the salt, the rosemary, and the black pepper together in a bowl until batter is combined

and lumpy. Yeah. It's lumpy, you know, like a batter is supposed to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody likes when the batter is lumpy. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of regular pancakes.

I'm sorry. I was thinking about how good the actual pancakes were, and I should just go to Denny's instead of just doing all this. It's so stupid. But then you wouldn't get the satisfaction of a job well done. Well, the satisfaction of a job well done is probably going to take as long

as it takes for me to just get on my bike and go to the light rail and go to St. Paul to go to Denny's. So, I don't know. The closest Denny's is in St. Paul? Yeah, the one on the one in southeast Minneapolis closed. Oh, it did? Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Keep talking about this. This is cold. This has been your Denny's update. So there's only one Denny's in the Twin Cities, huh? Oh, my God. So there's only one Denny's in the Twin Cities, huh? Oh my god! Unfortunately,

unless you're willing to go to, like, Bloomington or Eden Prairie, but who the fuck cares about this? Okay, what happens next, Doc? What happens next? Yeah, tell us about IHOP next. We don't have any. Oh.

Squiddy? I think there's one in the suburbs. Shut the fuck up! Edit point. Anyway, you gotta heat the sunflower oil in a heavy frying pan over medium heat so I got the heaviest one I owned. You spoon the batter into oil

which I didn't do. I just let it drop directly into the pan I just fried it until the pancakes are brown and crispy on the edges six to seven minutes per side unfortunately it's looking oily it looks edible at this point oh yeah

but edible yeah well about that I was using a cast iron pan so it's like it said get the heaviest one so I got it so I went out and using a cast iron pan so it's like, it said get the heaviest one so I went out and got a cast iron pan but I ended up burning the pancake.

The pancake was black on both sides like my soul. How hot did you cook it, Stug? I cooked it really hot. You really burned that. Yeah. Boy, did you burn that.

It's burned on the outside, but the insides are nice and cooked and still parsnippy. As a question, when the pancake was in the pan, did you leave the room? Yeah, I left the room. I had to go do some things. I had to go take some, um, I had to go do some things. You had to go to Denny's. Yeah, I had to go to Denny's, and then I came back. And then, and then

I just, like, sat down, and I looked at the, uh, the horrible, the horrible Eraserhead baby-esque pancake that I had birthed into existence. It basically was screaming at me to... It was basically telling me to eat me, eat me, cook me

for dinner and eat me. And, you know, I came home... At that point, it wasn't under the impression that it had already been cooked? Like, it said, cook me? No, it was out of the room when that happened. The pre-cook burning. I ignored the pancake's cries for help, as I usually do.

Anyway, cook burning i ignored i ignored the pancakes cries for help as i usually do yeah anyway i i took bites of it it's just like it was burnt and that was the most interesting part it's like it tastes like a fucking regular pancake because but except it was a pancake that i had to spend like 10 minutes grating a fucking parsnip over into a, into a fucking measuring cup that I had to, I don't know. It's like, yeah, I had to, if I,

I had to just like, I just had to like go at that thing with an Ikea, with an Ikea grader. Just like I was, I was just like, I was just like pretending it was Omar Rodriguez Lopez and I was in the Mars Volta and I was just going to town with that grater. Wow. Wow.

Anyway, I thought... He's been going for a while. I don't think there's going to be an At The Drive-In reference anywhere here. No, no, there isn't. Anyway, it tasted burnt, but I like the burnt parts because that means they're well done but otherwise it tasted like a regular boring pancake that i had to do a jack off motion for like 15 minutes over a measuring cup for that'll fucking humiliate it yeah teabag it afterwards yeah i almost put them in i i i saved the uh the the loose parsley

shavings in a in a tea bag but anyway it didn't taste good enough for me or interesting enough for me so i decided to just like jazz it up a little with some coops horseradish mustard and i just like spread that all over the uh the top of the pancake like it was a birthday cake for me to celebrate my... Yeah, and by some, it looks like you put the entire bottle of horseradish on top of this. Can you blame me? Do you still have parsnips there watching all of this happen? Yes.

Oh my gosh. This is to show the parsnips. Your next parsnips. Yeah, this is this is to show the parsnips your next parsnips yeah this play game yeah this is uh this is this is an intentional act of terror upon the two parsnips i had remaining and the uh half the onion that i still had on my table so it's like so i just drowned the fucking thing in coops horseback mustard because that's what I like and I fucking ate it

the end thank you Neil apparently you and maybe several other people have decided that since I did it once combining fish and jello is now my thing you and maybe several other people have decided that since I did it once, combining fish and jello is now my thing. Yeah.

Good. Because he selected for me this lovely summer salad pie, aka hell pie, with tuna, lemon, gelatin, and savory seasonings. Tuna, lemon, gelatin. Okay. It's got pimento, olives in it. Lemon, pepper, lemon, gelatin. Same shit.

Yeah, okay. Exotic Finnish cuisine. I do have pictures. I just need to get them off my fucking phone because it's being a dick. Sure. Anyway, summer salad pie. Well, there are several components to this pie. First, you make the crust, which is a cheese pie shell. It's not an unusual thing.

There's a lot of savory pies out there that have cheese in the crust, so I made it. Mine looks a little bit different from the recipe because I used white cheddar instead of orange cheddar. But flavors should be the same. So there's nothing out of the ordinary in that part. You roll it out, you put it in the pan, you bake it. Then we go to the first layer of the pie. And the first layer of the pie consists of one package lemon-flavored gelatin, one and one-fourth cups boiling water,

one can tomato sauce, one tablespoon vinegar, one half teaspoon salt, a few drops each Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco, dashed pepper, one half cup each chopped celery and pimento stuffed olives, and one fourth cup

chopped onion. So you dissolve the gelatin in the boiling water, stir in everything else, well, okay, you stir in the tomato sauce, vinegar, and seasoning. You chill it until it's slightly thickened. Then when it's about the consistency of egg whites, you fold in the celery, olives, and onion that way.

All the solid stuff doesn't sink to the bottom of the jello. You pour that into the cooled cheese pie shell. You chill it thoroughly. And then you add the third component, the topping, which is the tuna salad. Tuna salad, I mean, it's not bad. It's one can tuna,

one teaspoon lemon juice, one teaspoon minced onion, one cup diced celery, salt, paprika, and mayonnaise or salad dressing. And then you put that in a separate room from the first shit you made, right? No, then you spoon that over the top like a delightful creamy topping of a cream pie, only tuna. This is a real parade of flavors. Yeah, it's a real parade of flavors yeah it's a real parade of flavors and I have several ideas for how this would maybe be more edible

but I didn't use any of those ideas I stuck to the recipe just had a question because it looks like the picture for this the stuff on top looks green is there like a food coloring added? is that toothpaste? that's just weird

photography from the 19... food photography from the 1950s. Because if you look at the... if you go to the link where the other people made it, it looks like normal. Like normals. 50s and 60s food photography was always very green. I think that it must

have been to the film. Earth tones. Natural. Anyway, I made this. must have been to the film. Earth tones. Natural. Anyway, I made this. I have it on a plate in front of me. And give it a try. Oh, boy, that's some wiggly, jiggly fucking jello that's not wanting to really cut. That's nice.

Well, if you can't cut it, you can't taste it. I mean, you can give it. No, it's fine okay so so um you can really taste the pimento olive in this good good I was hoping that wouldn't get lost

oh bad texturally it's not too bad. Okay. The crust... I'm going to give you various other fish gelatin. The crust is actually pretty good. It's like kind of a cheese crackery thing. Tuna salad is fine if you like tuna salad.

The real horror of this recipe is the fact that they used fucking sweet lemon gelatin in it. Oh, no. It probably... How would you feel the pimento olive and the lemon jello lemon gelatin. Oh, no. It probably... How did the pimento olive and lemon jello go together? Oh, so good. So good. I was expecting like an unsweetened lemon jello.

No, it specifically asked for the fucking lemon jello. So that's what I used. And boy, howdydy does that give it an interesting flavor. Yeah, I think it would be I think without the lemon jello, if you just use like regular unflavored gelatin it would probably actually be

a weird but entertaining food to eat in the summer because it's chilled, obviously. Is it possible that jello is sweeter now than it used to be? I don't know. Oh yeah, that's it. That because it's chilled. Is it possible that Jell-O is sweeter now than it used to be? I don't know. I think they used to make Jell-O so that you had to add the sugar

yourself. I thought that was Kool-Aid. You're getting all your horrible shit mixed up. Sorry. I will step out. I just have to think that after 50 years they would have increased the sweetener and jello. Anyway.

I've got a whole pie of this in my fridge. Yay! So you need to post to my Reddit meal prep or something because you have a whole week worth of dinners. No. So now that you've made two different fish jello recipes,

how would you say this compares to the one from F Plus Live? Well, the one from F Plus Live was more of a true fish jello because it had the fish in the jello itself. Right. True, true fish jello. Okay, OG fish jello. Right. Like they made in the old country. And I'm still eatingello. Okay. OG fish jello. Right. I'd say...

Like they made in the old country. Right. And I'm still eating it. Oh. All right. I'd say that the other one was maybe a little bit better just because it did call for plain gelatin and not lemon jello. Okay.

But you're still eating this? Yeah, I'm still eating it. I mean... Have you considered mixing in some coconut juice in there just to really... and not lemon Jell-O. Okay. But you're still eating this? Yeah, I'm still eating it. Have you considered mixing in some coconut juice in there just to really zing it up some? Maybe watermelon Jell-O? No, that's okay. I'm good. Thanks.

Do they make tomato Jell-O? That would be interesting. Can you cut it into shapes like Jell-O? It's not it's not it's not enough gelatin in it for it to be like that it's like jello consistency not noxblox consistency

I'd have to add more so it's really good for nothing it's a it's good for eating she She's still eating it. Yeah, no, no, no. I realize that, but I think my shell's broken at this point. I can't afford to not eat food that I have.

I'm like fucking poor. Come on. I will eat this terrible pie until it's gone. Can't you just leave it sitting on your windowsill and hope a hobo steals it? I live on the fifth floor, Stog. A tall hobo? Yeah, a really tall hobo on stilts.

I think if I left it out there, the crows would try to eat it, and then they'd remember me and seek revenge. That's true. One of them Portland paragliding hobos. Yeah. Keep Portland weird, guys. Victor, did you make a smoothie? I did not make a smoothie? I did not make a smoothie. I was, I guess, negligent about reading and following directions over the past week or so.

Sure, sure. So we're going to explore this together as Victor sort of showed up worn out from a real life sort of stuff. Sure. But this is perfect because this creamy coconut spirulina superfood smoothie recipe is an easy way to boost energy and protein intake with real food. Do you know what a spirulina is? I scrolled down far enough to find out that it is it is algae it is literal algae okay so there's no there's no superfood to me yeah there's no protein powder

needed in this drink because there's algae powder that uh is superfood totally different than protein powder finally a good reason to get arrested at the park holy shit the intro text goes on forever yeah yeah and uh there's a thing about hippie food things where the word superfood means not really actually food yeah well this you know no this is all food coconut milk

algae that's food right it's food for baleen whales it's good for... Right. You can eat it. Baleen whales. It's good for whales. So, yeah. It's whale food. Fruit, avocado, ginger root, and a pinch antioxidant-rich spices.

Paleo and vegan-friendly for all. Because vegans are allowed to eat algae. Because, fuck, those guys are... Used to be alive. They're dicks so uh so anyway uh she was so close to calling this the mermaid smoothie but she thought she'd spare us the look on people's face when you told them what you were drinking lol but so much fucking flavor text but that that green swirl y'all that green swirl y'all oh jesus christ uh so yes this week has been healthy on steroids recipes

uh and we need those weeks right so let's chat about spirulina did you know that this oh jesus christ this lady's husband actually works a side job for new treks hawaii and guess what they sell this shit interest oh you don't say huh what a weird coincidence and a bunch of his triathlete friends do as well because they just love it so much and so does this lady and no she's not getting paid to say that either no just just hugs and kisses literally shared income but you know yeah yeah anyway so nutrex has some pretty amazing spirulina supplements and here's here's an affiliate link I'm going to click that right now. So I did, and this shit is $46 a pound. Wow. There's a free book on astaxanthin.

Yeah. Oh, and Nutrex even has a really good protein blend, which is good because there's no protein powder needed for this drink that i'm talking about uh but so yeah they're just they're just sharing you know this this superfood smoothie go green or go home right ha ha ha so let's get nerdy and talk about uh spiral shaped microalgae grows naturally in the wild. Well, algae, yes, because... Good point, good point. Good point, yes. Not wrong.

So it's deep blue... Toad schools grow naturally in the wild. Oh, but they do, they actually cultivate and harvest it in man-made reservoirs like those used by Nutrex Hawaii, who I am mentioning again, even though I am not in any way being compensated to by Nutrex Hawaii, who I am mentioning again, even though I am

not in any way being compensated to mention Nutrex Hawaii. But if you wanted to use promo code Hawaii, you sure could if you felt like it. Yeah, here's yet another link to Nutrex Hawaii's website. Okay, so here's the cooler part. The blue-green algae freshwater plant is loaded with plant-based protein. So this is totally not a protein powder, you guys. It is just loaded with protein. 55% to 70% protein than beef, chicken, and soybeans.

More or less... 55% to 70% protein than beef. Yes. 50% to 70% protein than beef. Yes. 50 to 70% protein than beef. Yes. Yep. Yep. Less than beef, more than beef.

It doesn't matter. It's expensive. It's then. Plus it has the eight essential and ten non-essential amino acids your body needs, because that's what non-essential means. Is this me? Also. This man needs a tracheotomy eventually. means. Is this me? Also, this man needs a

tracheotomy eventually. I mean, if you feel like it, but you know, it's not important. I thought there were... Yeah. Anyway, it's also packed with B vitamins, iron, and minerals, which makes it a great resource-slash-superfood ingredient for plant-based diets and vegans.

No protein powder is needed, because there's protein in this powder. Although you're welcome to blend in some extra power protein. You can also put some more protein powder in if you want because you don't need it, but you can. It doesn't mean you can't. You don't need it, but you might not essentially need it. I mean, there's no such thing as too much protein, right, Victor? Yeah. Unless you want to do some hardcore shitting.

Yeah. So anyway, let's get to our ingredients. Avocado to make extra creamy and add healthy fats. Coconut milk and cream both contain MCT fatty acids, which is great for instant energy. Wait, what? MCT fatty acids, that's medium chain

triglycerides, which are not instant energy. They're stored energy. Orange. Stored instantly, though. Essential, though, right? When you combine them with a spirulina. Stored instantly, though. Yes, instantly stored. They're essential, though, right? When you combine them with a spirulina.

Right, right, right. Orange, vitamin C, because that's all that oranges are. Oranges are just a solid, you know, granular vitamin C. There's so much vitamin C you get from orange, too. Don't get the blue vitamin C. That's why they make emergency out of them.

Ginger root, anti-inflammatory and aids in digestion. Cinnamon and cardamom, spices that both assist in soothing digestion. There's actually a link to a journal here, which I'm going to assume is not a... Oh, Jesus Christ. If that link aids in Nutrix Hawaii, I can't... It's not, but it's to evidence-based alternative medicine. Hey, I got a question for you. I got a question for you there, Victor.

I'm clicking on your source here, this source that you have, the cinnamon and carnivore, the size of the assist in soothing digestion. So you've got your source, and I clicked on your source. Is there a giant word that appears over your source over and over and over again is there one giant word that happens over and over again re re retracted that's a fancy science word you guys don't need to worry about that what you need to know is this works. Retracted. Retracted.

Retracted. So in medical journals, the word retracted means good and trusted. Oh, I thought we had to get Ted out of there. Jesus. Oh, God. Why in God's name would a few sprinkles of ginger help you poop? How does that work? Why in God's name would a few sprinkles of ginger help you poop? Like, how does that work?

So, anyway, and then maple syrup, which is a natural sweetener and immunity-boosting properties. Whoa, yeah! Whoa, yeah! That's one of those things that's true. Ha! And then, of course, the green goddess of the sea, Spirulirulina Dang she really should have named it mermaid smoothie Ha ha ha P.S. you can totally add in

Gluten free granola chia seed And extra coconut for a smoothie bowl Or more starch fruit To boost texture Just put in whatever the god damn hell you want There you go Put in an entire jar of peanut butter Just put in whatever the goddamn hell you want. There you go. Put in an entire jar of peanut butter.

So, yeah, anyway. Yeah, two to three tablespoons coconut cream. An entire fucking avocado. Yep. One to two strips of fresh ginger root. Just as long as you want, I guess. But it specifies that this is grated, not just plunked into no it's it's or grated you can do it either way okay so and then a small orange maple syrup one to two tablespoons half a teaspoon of cinnamon a pinch of cardamom spice 10 to 14 ounces almond

or coconut milk the less you use the thicker well yeah the thicker it is one scoop spirulina powder around 7 to 10 grams which is probably probably like 20 worth i'm sure optional protein powder optional chia seed or topping of choice first make sure you have a can of coconut cream in the fridge okay that's Optional protein powder, optional chia seed, or topping of choice. First, make sure you have a can of coconut cream in the fridge. Okay, that's good to start. This will help thicken the smoothie. You can use room temperature coconut cream also.

You also have the option of leaving out the coconut cream. Everything other than the spirulina. Yes, yes. Other than the $46 a pound affiliate link ingredient. Everything else is fuck you, do what you want. Next, peel your fruits, avocado, and grate your ginger. Okay, so we are grating the ginger. Place in a blender, then add the spirulina

last. Blend until smooth and pour into two glasses. Add a pinch of spirulina on top. Oh, okay. And a dash of coconut milk, then place a fork in the middle of the cup to swirl together if you want that effect. Yeah, for that little, like, barista swirl. Note, if you are looking for spirulina, we use Nutrex. Okay, alright.

It's good to have that little subtle thing right at the end. Just right, just, you don't want it too early. Just right at the end. Just right. Just you don't want to do early. One more. Right at the end. One more affiliate link. So, Victor, in your professional opinion, would this cause a person to become literally immortal? Well, it depends on how much spirulina you use. You know, but like every day, if you did it every day, if you did it every day if you did it every day yes

you would you would be you would be free of all illness forever um yeah it's doesn't matter what kind of spirulina right i mean there's no no it it it it totally fucking matters i mean oh it's i mean i mean you can, look, this is all optional. You can do what you want, but we really recommend that you get it from Nutrex. Because that's where these guys that do triathlons and work there, coincidentally, get it. You know. Don't go out there getting your fucking Kirkland signature. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. In the big gallon bucket. Look, is the spirulina going to turn me into Bruce Willis from Unbreakable? Is this the deal? And there we are, the suicide banquet. Twelve individual recipes which are, demonstrably, not worth making. This is usually the part of the episode where we share what we've learned, but because these are unusual circumstances,

I would like to instead share with you the story of the joke that wasn't worth it. For my recipe, once I was finished making my vegan Tom Ka soup, and knowing that we would have photos online at thefpl.us, I thought it would be funny, once I had portioned myself a bowl of the stuff, to pour the remaining prep into the toilet. The resulting photo is kind of funny, I suppose, but that was emphatically not worth the $117 plumbing bill I was forced to pay the next day once I realized that a plunger would not clear the result. And so, if I can share something I've learned from all of this, it's to not assume that finely chopped vegetables can be flushed as easily as human waste. In hindsight, I think it was probably the noodles.

Point is, none of this was a good idea. Our forum is ballp.it, and you can visit there if you'd like. We're doing a live show January in Portland, but the tickets for that are already sold out. We'll see you there if you're one of those ticket holders, and for the rest of you, we have some fun upcoming merch planned, and at least another decade's worth of stupid ideas. Thanks for listening.