The F Plus - 316: My Thread Is Bigger Than Your Thread

Episode Date: December 22, 2019

The frequent posters over at r/WhoWouldWin are looking for hard scientific evidence of what would happen if Popeye got into a knife fight with Johnny Bravo but also if being in a high altitude environment would change the outcome. It's a dumb thing to think about, and therefore there are several hundred thousand words on the subject. This week, The F Plus is horrified to discover that Garfield has killed at least one man.

Okay, okay, okay, enough of that, enough of that, enough of that, enough of that. Stop fucking around. This is the F+, it's terrible things, they're red with enthusiasm, but in the room tonight we've got Isfahan. Chunky Chicken is a rather rotund rooster that wields a large set of shears and sometimes wears a nice red hat. Frank West. Ultra Instinct Goku versus that thing that Nortuto did. You know.

Nutshell Gulag. Battle. Aunt May Rosemary Harris versus Aunt May Sally Field versus Aunt May Marissa Tomei. Zarla. Gordon Freeman has dropped into the Minecraft world. The only weapon he has is a crowbar. He has his trusty hazard suit. His goal is to beat the under dragon. Can he do it?

The man that reads the internet for you. His name is King Lou Fernandez. PCP hands down. They become impervious to pain, have super strength, and craziest enema until they die shortly after the high is over. Long enough to take on the remaining men that are high.

And Lemon. Yeah, so my name's U slash MyFi and 1,000 U.S. Marines versus 1 sectillion wasps. But, but, but, but the Marines have basic beekeeping tires.

Oh, Paul. Well, now I have to think about that really hard. Take that into account. My dad versus your dad. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Hey, F-Less. Hey. Hey, Lemon. Hi, Lemon. Oh, hi.

Okay, well, this is great. This is great. Hi, Lemon. Oh, hi. Okay, well, this is great. This is great. We got six people in this recording, six powerful people in this recording. I have an important question, though. Which of you, F+, participants, is the strongest? Smelling? It's not me. Me and you team up.

Let's take the rest of these guys. I think this is a shot. Team stacking, baby. Oh, is it a chicken fight? Isfahan, me and you team up Let's take the rest of these guys Oh yeah, team stacking baby Oh, is it a chicken fight? So Isfahan, you versus Zarla Who would win in a fight? What kind of fight? If it's in a pop culture appreciation fight I would lose

Yeah, you would Absolutely Go Yeah. Yeah, you would. Absolutely. Go through the eyes, Zarla! Zarla's got a lot of accessories, too. I feel like that would be a working advantage. Just splash light in your eyes. I bet she's wearing her all her rings right now. Yeah, it's sort of a lot of reflect damage.

Yeah. That can flex the blind status on you. She's using her disco ball attack. They all say it's dead. That's why it works so well. Nobody expects it. Well, related to that subject, I want to point you to a very recent document that we got here. And that was a document given to us by rot

thank you for this rot and in fact rot also gave us the 10 years of the f plus supercut which if you haven't if you haven't seen it thfbl.us yeah that was great it is an hour of f+, I wouldn't say appreciation. But understanding? Scorching F plus truth. But yeah, so Rot gave us this document, and Rot is pointing us to a subreddit called r slash who would win. Rot explains, ever since the origin of the written word, when humanity was finally able to transcribe its myths, creating the origin of fictional literature, people have wondered, who would win in a fight, Superman or Goku? I think there's Superman versus Goku cave drawings.

Yeah. Superman versus Goku cave drawings. Yeah. The literary scholars of r slash who would win are here to put logic and reason to the test so they can logically deduce whether Scooby-Doo would be able to beat Crash Bandicoot before Thanos killed both of them. Yeah. So there we go. It's a subreddit with 274,000 members. Over 1,000 are online right now at this moment. But looking at the document here, I see that, Isfahan, this subreddit has a number of rules.

What are the rules of this subreddit? Okay, on a good clean fight, I'm coming out in a referee shirt. But it's tied at the collar like a halter top? Yeah. So here are the rules. Rule number one, being rude, condescending, or insulting.

Be nice to each other. We're here to have fun. Being rude, condescending, or insulting users is not okay. I'm sure that won't happen. Okay, great. Alright, then there's rule two. That's downv won't happen. Okay, great. All right. Then there's two rule two. That's downvoting. Do not downvote.

What? Wait a minute. What? I've just invalidated one of two ways you can interact with the post. Do not downvote. We encourage the upvoting of all relevant content and have a wide definition of what's acceptable. Downvoting will never be allowed on this sub. Never.

Okay, okay. Never. That's nuts. There's three, rule three, excessive repost. You're allowed to repost, but look to your left first. If you see a large number of posts about a character, try someone else.

If you're going to repost, try to broaden or change the discussion to keep it fresh. Use your best judgment. Search subreddit Superman Goku. Okay, well, it's... Okay, well, page one. Let's see. Oh, page one goes on for a long... Oh, there's no pages. Well...

Yeah, no repost. Gotcha. Okay, so then there's four, rule four, the unapproved meta. Okay, meta posts, multi-part tournaments, and other non-conventional posts require mod approval. Send us a message. We'd love to help you with your thread. Fuck. Fucking normies. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but okay.

Five, low effort post. These posts will not be accepted. Gasp. fucking normies. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but okay. Five. Low effort post. These posts will not be accepted. Gasp. What would be like a low effort? Oh, they have some examples. I think it would just be

Superman v. Goku post. That's it. Yeah. Not including your thoughts about it, I guess. Yeah, I guess saying enough said. There's some examples.

Who would win? That's all. Okay. Okay, yeah. The next page. There's some examples. Who would win? That's all. Okay. Oh, okay, yeah. The next page. There's overly broad, vague, or opinion-reliant posts. The posts with only a title. Copypasta, circle jerk, or meme derivative posts.

Distasteful posts for the sake of being edgy. On Reddit? On Reddit. Posts, well, you say on Reddit for that one, but posts with a clear political or social agenda? On Reddit? Subreddit versus subreddit posts.

Think what Pepe would think. There's subreddit versus subreddit posts or other posts looking to get a rise out of other online communities uh that's that's kind of that sounds like the funniest option low effort comments that's number six comments that are a few words and contribute no actual discussion like lol or blank stomps uhments consisting of a single image or gif to provoke drama or as a non-responsive reply to the thread.

Number seven is a misflared post. People make mistakes, and we appreciate you letting us know so we can either remove the post or at least fix the flare. Flares are like little tags, for those who don't know, that help with the sorting

and the searching. Eight is distasteful posts, which I think they already covered. Not only is it well, but it's a duplicate of two different ones. You get to duplicate both at the same time. Yeah, it's kind of redundant because the description is, a post made with a clear agenda, made to be offensive or in poor taste or overly edgy. Rule number nine, no rereading your own posts. That is bad.

Then number nine is rule five, which is... What? Yeah, there's a numerated list, and then there's the rule numbers. So five was low effort post, then you had six, seven, eight, and then number nine is rule five.

Failed to provide evidence upon request. If asked, you must provide evidence for your claims or drop the argument. You must provide evidence for your fantasy opinion. Yes, so cite your sources, show your work, or else you will never get your thesis accepted. The reason that that's rule five, by the way, is because it's referring to a separate list of rules that's in the sidebar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because if you let nerds spread, they're just sort of like a fungus and they keep filling it up with lists and rules. It just sort of keeps generating to the size of whatever container they're in which list of rules would win nerds are a lot like koi fish in that regard uh okay so then uh so then the document uh has a bunch of pages of drama uh like it starts off

with a whole bunch of like why didn't you read this? Like, God damn it. I'm just trying to keep the peace here. We're going to skip past all that and get right to the fights here. So, Zarla. Yes? You're going to pit a theory here. And what do you want to go for?

Let's see. I want to know who would win in a fight between all the saints. I'm Peculiar Pangolin Man, and my question is, who is the most powerful saint? Anyone who is any variation of Christian saint can be considered. Let's say all the saints are put in a giant coliseum with a number of small environments in it, jungle area, urban area, open area, et cetera. Every saint has their standard equipment and it's bloodlusted.

Here's a reference. Is bloodlusted? Excuse me. I believe I can be of assistance here as the official who would win wiki historian. I have the terminology page opened right here. Who summoned the historian?

Bloodlusted is when a character uses the full extent of his or her abilities in a fight as efficiently as they know how and goes straight for the kill. It does not mean a berserker range. Fuck. Shit. Piss.

So St. Francis' ability of loving animals is just gonna be top notch all the way up. That's what I was gonna say. Like, St. Francis' ability of loving animals is just going to be top-notch all the way up to 11. That's what I was going to say. St. Francis of Assisi, like a whole animal army. That seems like the winner, right? He calls down a flock of birds that pecks at everybody's eyes. My money's on St. Bartholomew. So everyone starts at max level.

We've got some rules. So round one, no powers. God wants nothing to do with this. So it's just a battle between historical figures. Round two, all abilities on the table. God will give the saints whatever powers they ever called upon in life, regardless of circumstance. Round three, all the saints team up to fight Jesus Christ.

Well, that's a bait and switch. Can they defeat him? Final boss. Wait a minute. This is a Stephen King novel. Assume that he can only use earthly feats and no omnipotence. God wants a fair fight. Wait, wait.

God, but without the omnipotence? Jesus. All the saints, they just have their standard equipment, no powers. God just wants to see Jesus Christ eat the caribou. So it's basically a bunch of people beating the shit out of Jesus. To be fair, God does seem to like seeing that. That's true. So do a lot of kids.

Jesus will have to figure out very quickly how to weaponize turning water into wine. Yeah, I was going to say. Why didn't he let me turn nails into rope? into wine. Yeah, I was going to say, I can't, why didn't he let me turn nails into rope? Well, that's how

all the saints died underneath, you know, 10 million tons of loaves and fishes. You know, actually, I'm going to skip that one, and instead, this one caught my eye here.

So, Frank West. Yeah? I've got one that I just now posted, and this is a really important... We're talking about historical cited debates, you know? Yes.

So, what are you going to bring here? Well, these are two of my favorite fictional characters. Man with Rope versus Man with Knife. I love them. They have such a great arc. I love the adventures of rope and knife. I love that Mad Magazine comic. My name is

Vezed Zenith. I'm having an argument with my friend. I feel like a rope would be a slightly more effective weapon than a knife, because once you wrap it around their neck, there's not a whole lot they can do to get it off. Just cut it with a knife. What? They'd have to cut it? Oh.

It's her sharp implement, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Assume that the knife is a five-inch pocket knife, but it would take some sawing to cut through the rope. Sawing? Oh, no, never mind. Why do we have to assume that? Why don't we know how thick the rope is? It's a rope. We all know what ropes are. Five inches is an awkward size

for a pocket knife. It's like a nylon boat rope, or are we talking like gym class climb to the top of the gym? No, big like a boat rope. rope or are we talking like gym class climb to the top of the gym area? Okay, I hear all your I hear all your objections. If it's a stomp for the knife guy, does basic grappling skills turn the

tide in rope guy's favor? Man with rope versus man with knife, also one guy's way stronger than the other. Okay, okay, edit. Okay, what if the guy has telekinetic powers and they can only manipulate the rope? He has to be holding the rope for them to work.

The rope is five feet long. His powers aren't very strong and aren't able to strangle his opponent on its own. What? That's just a dude with tentacle arms, then. Are you talking like bandit powers? I think he just means like, I really want this rope around someone's neck. Also, if someone wouldn't mind drawing it, that would be cool.

Just a joke. So he has the power to manipulate the rope, but not really well. Enough that it goes around the neck, but you still have to strangle with your arm muscles. Yeah, he's got the rope in this basket, but then when he plays this horn... The guy with the knife has no attributes except the knife.

We don't know anything about him. We know that it's five inches long. We do know that. Is that street legal? Is a policeman going to come and arrest him for having confiscated a knife? I don't understand. Well, we're going to get some...

How long is the rope? Oh, yeah. It could be like a magician's rope where it's like three ropes and he turns into a longer rope. Unconcerning. 910, the guy with the knife, stabbing is easier than deflecting with a rope, but if the rope guy were smart, he'd

frame the ends and use it as a whip to keep distance and wear down the knife guy, which would probably make it a 7 or 8-10, but then again, it's easier to stab. It is easier to stab! That's why in the OP he went back into his own post and gave the rope guy a bunch of

handicaps. And Lou, what does Andelstein have to say? Oh, is that somewhere down here? Oh, it's the next one. Andelstein. If the rope guy is well trained

and ties a big knot into the end of his rope to turn it into a makeshift flail, he can win most of the time, even against a trained knife fighter. 7 to 10, I think. A good knot the size of two or three fists

would hit brutally hard and he'd have reach advantage. Otherwise, Knife Guy 10 to 10. Even with the telekinetic hijinks, how do you propose Rope Guy stops Knife Guy from killing his ass real quick-like? By picking him up with his telekinetic powers. That's how.

Good luck with that. But I mean, the telekinetic powers can only manipulate the rope weakly. But only the rope weakly, not anything else weakly. Okay, but only the rope weekly, not anything else weekly. Oh, that's if the rope guy figures out that he can actually just dismantle the knife guy with his power and turn him into a pile of bones and flesh. Everything else is fine. You don't know how many rope classes rope guy has gone to. Yeah, you know, if you make the rope wet, it would really stink.

So anyway, this is the internet, and it's time to talk about Big Bang Theory. Who's the strongest person that Sheldon Cooper can irritate? Irritate? I think the sky's the limit on that. Yeah, what does strength have to do with that? Whatever the CBS viewership is? I don't know.

Okay, round one. Which is the strongest person that Sheldon strongest person that Sheldon cooperates could irritate before that person inevitably kills him? Round two. Sheldon is immortal. Who is the strongest person that Sheldon

could annoy until she kills herself? What am I saying? I think this was posted on somebody's phone so it auto-completed Cooper to cooperate. Why does he have to annoy a woman until she kills herself? Well, you know how they are. I have perfectly rational conversations, but because the female brain can't be rational. And also, bonus round,

who is the strongest person that Sheldon with preparation could defeat? So very good reasoned thoughts here, and Zarli, your name's Sonic Tower. Let's see. Strength is not resistant... Strength is not equal resistant to irritation.

Actually, I think they negatively correlate, in fiction at least. Sheldon would probably irritate the heck out of Thanos, Darkseid, Galactus, God Doom, God Joker. He would go up to abstracts that have no need to care for mortal problems, so he probably stopped at the Tribunal, Eternity, Dr. Manhattan, and the Presence.

I hate it. I understood maybe one of those words. Marvel and DC Universe? Yeah, plus Watchmen. Hello, I'm Snackboy. Round one. Hajun from Kaidri Kamui Kagura

hates everything by virtue of existing, so having Sheldon annoying him would only make matters worse, or alternatively, any nigh-omnipotent being, since they tend to be extremely full of themselves, which makes them easy to annoy. Nah, round two.

What kind of immortality are we talking here? There's types? What types are there? Yeah, if it's a kind that he absolutely cannot be rid of under no circumstances, he probably stops at the Joker, maybe?

What? I didn't know that there was immortality no takebacks. Yeah, he is immortal. There's immortality. Immortality plus. He is immortal but this is Sheldon we are talking about so any street level character can manhandle

him even then and bury him alive and problem solved since it's not like he is getting out anytime soon. Why suicide when you can simply get rid of him in a non-lethal way? Well, non-lethal for an immortal. Okay, you win. You annoyed me. No, no, there's a bonus.

You did it. I just had a thought. Maybe Nightwing since he might underestimate him and give Sheldon a chance to taser him or something. But again, Sheldon can be manhandled by any street level and maybe some regular people you see on the streets too. I have drawings of this one. The next one is even more irritating. Hey, so

get this. A typical Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, and Reddit user must fight to the death. Oh, I wonder if Reddit will win. I thought this was against the rules. No, users, not the actual... That's only Reddit versus Reddit. Reddit can fight anything else.

It just can't turn in itself. Right. Which stereotype social media user comes out on top? I don't see why stereotypes have anything to do with it. comes out on top. I don't see why stereotypes have anything to do with it. So I want your imagining of the absolute typical user of each social media

platform. Example, Facebook mum. In this scenario, they are dropped off at a football pitch and must duke it out until only one survives. They'll all be in character, but aware of the fight to the death. In character?

In character. So they'll wear the traditional garb. I'm representing all of Tumblr. will be like period specific. Round one. As prompt, no weapons or equipment. Round two, all users who have access to anything they'd stereo, typically, have in their own bedroom. Round three, rather than just one of each, 1,000 users from each social media. All fighting as a group, and they'll have two weeks prep.

Two weeks prep? Bonus. Before the battle, each one would make a post on their respective platform. Who gets the most attention? Oh, that's just red meat for the audience. So, each one of these rounds is to the death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Up boats to the death.

Great. And then, Lou, you are a cursor hiker. All right. So first, our contestants. Representing Facebook is a pushing 60 baby boomer with a lavish retirement fund and lots of time on his hands. He has little to do but play golf, post a dozen articles and several dozen memes of dubious quality to his wall, and comment about millennials. Oh, good. YouTube is recommending me

college humor videos again. Thanks. Instagram is represented by a 25-ish social media thot, whose posts have to be deciphered by an emoji translator. Now, thot, I believe, is that hoe over there.

That hoe over there. Her follower count is checked at least 11 times a day, and the most mundane events are religiously posted with a variety of hashtags popular at the time. Tumblr is represented by a late teens girl with a possible mental disorder who is certain she has at least three. Emotional and constantly on the verge of tears, Got it. Yep. honest living as a social media manager for some firm or company, which is good because that's the only thing he's qualified to do.

The blue checkmark swims in his head when he sleeps, and sometimes he quietly sobs when logged into his personal account with 57 followers. More likely when he's had one too many craft beers. You should just say the Twitter representative is a Nazi who can't get banned under any circumstances. The Reddit user is a Nazi who can't get banned under any circumstances. The Reddit user is a Nazi who no one wants to be. Like, proportionally more of these should be Nazis, honestly. Yeah.

Like, representing Facebook is a Nazi, and Instagram is a Nazi, and Tumblr is a Nazi. The Tumblr user is a Nazi, but you're the bigot for hating them. No, Tumblr's a Nazi, and Instagram as a Nazi, and Tumblr as a Nazi. The Tumblr user is a Nazi, but you're the bigot for hating them. Tumblr's a Nazi and also a furry. And Twitter's a Nazi. We're in an alternate universe where Nazis kill each other. That sounds fine.

This is only for a month ago. I thought, okay. In the Snapchat corner is your typical Generation Z social media star who remains, in their mind, relevant by spouting the latest terrible memes and selling access to their premium Snapchat, at least until their parents find out about it. I'm sure that one's hot. I'm not familiar enough with Snapchat to know if that's funny or not. I thought Snapchat was old news.

Maybe I'm out of the loop. Well, yeah, but so is Tumblr. Yeah, that's what I was surprised about. It was a month old. Reddit is represented by a balding man, pushing 30, who desperately tries to grow. Pushing from which side? Desperately tries to grow a beard to hide his weak chin, despite the fact that he's taking one class a year at the local community college and has for the last few years so his parents don't kick him out. He's an expert on all things political,

economical, and technological. The only possession more valued than his signed Rick and Morty merch is his katana. All right, well, so there we go. Asked and answered. So now we know who will win in the fight to the death

where a van drops these people off. The guy with the sword? Oh, man. Oh, no, that's just post one of four. Yeah, no. More. More. Oh, good.

He goes, Cursor Hiker goes into great detail about each round. I don't know why they didn't put the rest of the posts in the doc. Yeah, it's like a standout. Well, let's see. Round two. The Redditor has his katana. The Boomer Facebooker has his der-hunting rifle and his bird-hunting shotgun, plus his 1911, because you can't trust those damn plastic pieces of crap nowadays.

The Instagrammer wields a nail file. The Tumblerite has a $10 knife she bought on Etsy to do witchcraft with. The Snapchat user has a replica of Minecraft diamond sword. The Twitter user has a favorite Starbucks coffee travel mug. This is a heavily stacked in favor of the boomer. And you take down the Instagram. I don't even know what I like. Unfortunately, this shotgun only holds five shots.

Before he can reload and switch to his 1911, he's beaten to death with a diamond sword replica. Unfortunately, Snapchat's Victor is short-lived and he is shivved by a katana by a furious Redditor who was offended that

anyone would wield any other sword. The Redditor manages to take down the Tumblerite before passing out and dying of lack of sugar for his diabetic condition, making him the default winner. I need proof for all these claims.

Yeah. The Redditor's diabetic condition was never mentioned before, so we're not going to be able to go into that. It was undiagnosed, so it was a surprise to him, too. Oh, man. That is a bummer. He just thought he was falling asleep during the day for no reason uh hey how's it going f plus uh my uh name is reasonable disaster it's reasonable um so mike tyson versus a man that sees things ten times slower. What? This seems like a...

Here comes a pleading... Yeah. Oh, there's Mike Tyson. This is gonna suck. Wait, wait, ten times slower is... Why am I in a ring with Mike Tyson? Mike Tyson punches him like five times and he's like, Ah, fuck.

Why am I in the hospital? Do I need to bother mentioning that I'm on ayahuasca right now or can I just go on set? What's that, spirit tiger? Look out for the punch. What are you talking about? Anyway, the man faces Mike Tysonyson they are both unarmed the man can also think 10 times faster but he moves at normal speed you guys are idiots why did you misinterpret the sensible thing i wrote he sees slower but

he thinks faster yeah so he's like Sherlock Holmes played by Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, thinks ten times faster, sees ten times slower. Okay, so round one, both are pitted in an UFC ring with no prep time. And round two, man has one hour to see how his new powers work. I think that means rule three. Rule one, rule two, rule three. Oh, okay, sure. No, I think it's round.

They always do rounds. Yes, this man is going to go more than one round with Mike Tyson. Lemon, I can tell you, not having been there for it, I can tell you exactly why y'all do rounds, because they didn't used to, and everyone went,

well, what are the details? So in the first one, they have no prep time. In the second one, the man has an hour to teach himself a million murderous arts ten times faster, which is still not enough time. Yeah, and then that also means that Mike Tyson then has one hour to learn about boxing and rape. Yeah. Those are things he doesn't need extra time about. And then round three, a man has one day to train with someone to get used to his powers. Who else would know how to use those powers?

So it's not like The Matrix where you can learn Kung Fu instantly. use those powers. So it's not like The Matrix where you can learn Kung Fu instantly. It's more like that dodgeball movie where if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. Exactly. Can we just see a quick montage of how that would look?

No, it's ten times slower than the actual regular montage. It's real-time montage. It's fine. If you'll, if you'll do this, uh, Greg league gaming alt account. So I guess it's the alternate account. Yeah.

I'm Greg league gaming alt. I mean, he can't react, so he's still going to get clobbered. Only difference is he will see every punch coming that is about to rock his world. Just because he sees the combinations coming does not mean he could even remotely react in time to block or stop the hit.

Even he blocks one hit, his body won't react in time to stop the next few. The dismidge he will take also even if he mostly blocks is absurd, and he won't have a chance to attack back or be clocked in the face. Edit. Think of it this way. Mike Tyson's point of view.

He's still just fighting the average man who punches normally. He's never tagging Tyson. The man looks like he's blocking decently as he can start reacting to an incoming punch well. But a combination at Mike's speed, the average man just can't react to, as his body is not that fast physically. The average person is not as fast or cannot move their body fast enough even if they know what's coming to block all the punches. Or even while blocking, they are not trained or conditioned enough to take a punch of this caliber.

Yeah. Okay. Thanks. I don't suppose you have more, do you? Yeah. Here's a YouTube link. Okay. This is a more current Tyson post-boxing. No chance

a normal man's body can get out the way. Think of a man with a gun trained on you. Even if you could see the bullet in slow motion, your body itself could never react. Even if you run, the opposing person just sees a normal man running at normal speed and won't miss. As somebody that

posts on Reddit all the time, of course I can outrun a bullet And then Frank West Your name is Count Long Dong That's me Wait Count underscore Long underscore Dong You have a response here to

Greg Lee Gaming Alts What? Oh my god I I have this. Sorry. I see what I did wrong. Yes. I'm not sure that I agree. What?

On this Reddit? You see, observing the world 10x slower is going to get him to near instantaneous reaction time. him to near instantaneous reaction time. Your analogy with the gun conveyed your point well, but I think it's overstating Tyson's speed just a bit. Watching that clip, I think it's within

the abilities of the average man, though what constitute average is often a topic for debate in and of itself. God! Oh, the droll conversations I've had at my dinner parties about what the average man is and whether they

could beat Goku. Anyways, I think they could dodge or at least block most of those. Additionally, anytime you swing your fist, you're leaving some part exposed, even if it's just briefly.

The slowed perception man obviously gets a huge advantage in identifying those every single time and can try to capitalize. Beastly as he is, the average adult man can knock out Tyson with a well-placed punch. I disagree. I'm not even convinced Mike Tyson feels

pain. Well, that being said, I think it still goes to Tyson every time. Our average guy has to be perfect with his dodges and really has to make the most of the windows he's given. I'd call it possible he defeats Tyson at least, but unlikely. Fair. About a week ago, I was in a room trapped in a conversation with a guy who was repeatedly and emphatically remarking how interesting it was that different countries referred to still and sparkling water in different ways. And he just found that very interesting. And he wanted to share this interesting fact about how these different countries respond to this thing. And it went on for fucking ever.

And I know at this point that that dude had, had a long dog. Look, once you're, once your penis gets long enough, you just don't have to be interested. You don't need the personality. Trust me.

I know. Just coasting on that. That's why now I know. Basically what happened to Sasuke when he fought Rock Lee in Part 1 of Naruto. So that's the actual definition of big dick energy.

Yeah, big dick energy is actually very light. I don't care what you think, I'm going to trap you in a conversation. Y'all, y'all.

Yeah, what's up? How about like Pirates vs. Cowboys? Oh, good. Ooh, a classic. Did the deadliest warrior get rebooted? How about like Pirates vs. Cowboys? Oh, good. Classic. Did the deadliest warrior get rebooted? I see we're dipping into the vintage tonight. So, Cowboys.

Wear leather cowboy hats, coats, flannel shirts, riding boots, with spurs and arms with Colt single-action armies, Colt Dragoons, or similar six-shot revolvers. One or two out of every ten can pack your choice of a double barreled shotgun or Winchester rifle pirates dress in motley but have decent leather boots all armed with sabers knives and some have board and axes

each has two wheel locked pistols two out of ten have flintlock rifles or blunderbusses and one out of ten has granados? Granados! I don't know. Powder flasks.

Essentially a pirate themed homemade grenade. Round 0, because we all know... Oh god, it's a 0 index array. 10 pirates versus 10 cowboys on 100 yard square flat plane dimension

this round is to be is to establish that 1 to 1 cowboys slaughter pirates due to better technology the end game over if anyone disagrees because maybe you've listened to Dan Carl and Cesar Hastings argument about it here oh dear

okay who would win in a fight we all know who would win in a fight who would win in a fight? We all know who would win in a fight. Who would win in a fight? Round one. Battle takes place on the inner surface of a 25-mile circumference slash 5-mile-wide orbital ring habitat spun up to 8 tenths of a G. What? What the fuck?

The design of the habitat is such that the prevailing wind blows between 5 and 15 miles per hour out of the east, so it is reshaped and made unthinkable by the landform. God, she's going into overnerd. It's basically always late spring. It's been in such a way that it has an earth-length day-night cycle. Fall day often comes up in the mornings, allowing the pirate ship to hide. Let's give it roughly this. The map of habitat.

I don't want to click that because I'm imagining them fighting inside of that Dre Tupac California. Please do click that link of the map. This is just scorched earth. The Dawson. Yeah, it is. Oh, never mind. That was worth clicking. Oh, wow. That is a good picture.

A contiguous landmass with terrain and floor approximating the American West. Is that from that Worms Armageddon game? Yes. Desert bases, arroyos, box canyons, a few mountains with thick pine forests, and including several herds of mule deer, small herd of bison, rattlesnakes, coyotes, two hungry cougars, and two grumpy black bears. Well, now it's no longer pirates versus cowboys. It's pirates versus cowboys versus the environment.

Yeah, my money's on the cougars. The blue side is a deep saltwater ocean inhabited by a pod of dolphins, a small school of man o' war jellyfish, and several hungry tiger sharks. What do the dolphins do? Well, you can obviously all lie with the dolphins. Drowning?

The dolphins do... Wow, that's really good. That was well done. Yeah. Are you able to echolocate? Help finding my keys. There are 50 cowboys on a small ranch with a barn, a stable, a bunkhouse, and a little ranch house. It's situated about a mile back from the coast in a wide valley between a mesa and a small mountain.

To about a half mile out, it's surrounded by a mile back from the coast in a wide valley between a mesa and a small mountain. To about half a mile out, it's surrounded by a meandering perimeter of barbed wire fence. The cowboys have horses, 500 head of cattle, and plenty of powder and ammunition. They are led by a sheriff who was a former U.S. Army lieutenant and served in a cavalry unit during the Civil War.

He's in a loveless marriage. 50 pirates sailing the sea on a run down former french naval frigate mountain two mountain 24 pound cannon and seven six pound cannon they are led by a captain who served in the british navy for a decade prior to going privateer and then full pirate he also has a parrot that the crew believes whispers tactical advice to him wow the pirates have experience with livestock you would expect from somebody who grew up in the 17th century Europe slash North Africa slash Middle East. They have six long boats which can each carry ten men. They also have plenty of powder and ammunition.

Whoa. This is the same premise. They can carry more men than they have. Both sides must rely on the land slash water for rations. Men can hunt, forage, or fish, and pirates must come ashore periodically for fresh water. And to dive scurvy, I guess, unless it rains.

This is a very boring Age of Empires. And the pirates can try to raid their vegetable garden. This is like an RPG setting. Pirates can also steal the cowboy's superior weapons The pirates win if they manage to burn down the ranch house Or kill or steal all the cattle

The cowboys win if they manage to sink the pirate ship Either side can win by killing everyone on the other side What if they bring the flag back to their base? Well then they have to wait for the tickets to count down to zero And then they have to wait for the tickets to count down to zero. And then they go into overtime. Yeah. You get to see the kill cam of the last person who died. Flag captured.

Flag dropped. Flag captured. Entire pirate team is babies. How many parts does it take to cap the point? Bomb planted. Spa round here! Are it not me? I be a fellow cowboy.

That's fucking stupid. The captain is a pirate that talks to him? Not only was that fucking stupid, but thefpl.us, we will have the diagram that somehow describes everything that Nutshell just read there, which is a wavy line that's green on one side

and blue on the other. You're welcome. Rot points out that r slash who would win has a component subreddit, so that's great, called r slash respect threads, which functions as a sort of database for the sort of fictional characters so that people can use them as citations for their fictional argument battles. So it's a subreddit that exists to support this other subreddit. As you see here here his strength is 7

they escaped their container shit yeah so now what we have is actual canonical evidence there's the proof that's the proof they were talking about right proof otherwise they're ready running themselves into chaos.

To that end, Zarla, do you know who Apana is? Yes, I do. What is Apana? She's Link's horse. Fuck you! Really? Yeah, that's real.

She's Link's horse. I mean, it's also like a real-life horse god, but let's be real, they ain't talking about that. No, absolutely not. Not any real horse gods. There's some slight clues that they're not talking about the mythical horse gods. Is it an anthropomorphic horse? No, it's just a horse, you guys, in an alternative time. Awesome.

Click the link. Technically, it's several horses. What a good website. Definitely. So, respect Epona, the legend of Zelda. Even though you changed shape, I still understand you, Link. Hurry up and return to your true self. Throughout the history of Hyrule, Link is continuously reincarnated through the spirit of the hero.

Zelda is continuously reincarnated through the bloodline of the goddess. Ganondorf is continuously reincarnated through Demise's curse for his hatred to always follow him. Epona may not be as frequently reincarnated as any of them, but she still reappears a surprising amount of times throughout the timelines without any explanation. Regardless, she is continually a great companion to Link, always appearing and being ready to go when called. And then you have some citations that are relevant, but do you have any sort of, like, I don't know, attacks or like special moves or something? I have many strengths.

Like run fast? Is that one of them? Yes. That actually is one. Oh, good. Oh, good. I have strengths. I can stomp on the ground repeatedly, throwing up stones and creating shockwaves, which bring a burst of blue energy.

I can kick with my hind legs, throwing up stones. I can kick the air, making shockwaves, which bring a burst of blue energy. I can kick with my hind legs, throwing up stones. I can kick the air, making shockwaves. I can charge forward with streams of air energy, throwing up more stones. I can jump twice, making shockwaves. I've shown to have the highest category of strength of all horses you can find in Breath of the Wild. Several shockwave-related attacks. Yeah, a lot of shockwaves and rocks. Or rocks and shockwaves, yeah.

How horses defend themselves. I can beat two grown horses in a race as a child. I can shake off people riding on me. Bulblins. I can rear and run fast enough that Link is vertical in the air while trying to hold on to me. What? Okay.

I can charge forward with streams of air energy and I can dash forward making a shockwave. I can jump over barriers and I can jump over gates and I can jump over large caps. And I have the highest category of speed of all horses you can find in Breath of the Wild. Awesome. What's the very last

thing? That's not true. It's potentially illegal to rename me. Illegal! He's not even in trouble for moving the... We have some questions! You're under arrest for trying to rename your horse to Fat Lover.

We here at Nintendo do not enjoy such ill-mannered horse names. What is this, Borderlands? Sucks. And then, Frank, you had just something to say, right? Hi, my name's OnlyVoid, and... Oh, fuck, this is something I actually just said.

Oh, good, good. We found you. We're beyond parody. I am the Redditor. In Breath of the Wild, the best stats a horse can get is five. Epona only has four for each. And there do exist horses that have five in those stats. No, it can't be true.

To name a few. Giant horse having five in strength, Lord of the Mountains having perfect... I'm doing my own voice and I'm making it sound like this. I was wondering when you were going to start reading the post. I knew all of this. This all already went through my head when I read the post.

Yeah, that's not even a horse. You can't register it at a stable. It's like a huge freakish bloopy. Yeah, it's got a weird man face on it. It's really weird. I have a choice for you. Oh, boy.

Okay, great. So, you got two choices of canonical descriptions to present to the F Plus audience so that they, too, can spend their time posting on r slash. So, Lou, your choices are Adam West's Batman. Okay. Specifically the Adam West one. Or a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers character named Chunky Chicken. Well, no contest. What?

Wait, where are these links? I'm not going to tell you. You have to choose. You have to choose you have to choose oh uh i'll read about adam west all right adam west batman uh this is uh specifically the batman from the 1960s uh television series there's uh way too many citations it goes on for fucking ever and that's why i would uh ask ask you instead to scroll down to page 22 in the document. Oh, my God. For Rot's cut down version of this.

Oh, I went too far. Okay, here we go. Respect Adam West's part. Respect Adam West's Batman. Yep. Yep. All right. Respect Adam West. This part, respect Adam West's Batman. Yep. Yep. All right. Respect Adam West's Batman.

Batman 1960 television series posted by comic crock for surely no man is above the law and no man is below it. That's deep, man. Thank you. Background Gotham city, a bustling metropolis full of good hearted Americans who proudly live in this peaceful city but what's this

a malicious discontent who has disrupted the very peace holy disturbance Batman is that an avian anarchist the penguin the peevish puzzler the riddler? Or say it isn't the clown prince of crime, the Joker?

Whomever the fiend may be, the jurors of Justice, Batman, and Robin won't rest until these crooks are behind bars. I will say it's obvious this person had fun writing this. Yeah, I do appreciate that. Ever since Bruce Wayne witnessed the tragic death of his parents in an alleyway he along with his youthful ward dick grayson have dedicated their lives to stopping crime as a duly deputized agent of the law batman stops the criminals that are too impossible for the police to handle themselves a bat phone call from the commissioner a quick hop down the bat poles and the dynamic duo are racing to the batmobile to the scene. In the Batmobile to the scene. While following

the speed limit, of course. Strength. Of course. Knocks back six men attacking him. Knocks back three men. Breaks chains that have been tied around his wrists. Resists robots who are strong enough. The chains were tied,

were they? Yeah. I can see them doing that in that show. Got it. He's also able to resist robots who are strong enough easily to bend metal bars long enough for Alfred to climb their buildings and intervene.

Resist them doing what, though? Peer-pressuring him to smoking or something? Oh, no, I see. These are... Do it. Do it. You want to be cool, don't you? I do want to be cool.

Batman can also catch a rolling barbell and hurl it at the Joker. Pry open a giant... Not anybody else, though. He cannot hurl it at the Joker. Pry open a giant... Not anybody else, though. He cannot hurl it at the Pentagon. He's also been known to pry open a giant clam. Am I right, folks? Right? Like when he seduced Catwoman.

That's not nice. That's not nice. Eartha Kitt is a lovely woman of sophistication. I meant the white one. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. J.K. Lamar is a slut. Throw a man across a room.

Holds onto a moving plane with one hand until he gets hit. By focusing a kick on one point. Hurts Solomon Grundy. What was the point? Was it his nuts? I have to believe it was his nuts, right? Was Solomon Grundy in the Batman TV show? Maybe.

I don't know. I opened the link and I guess there's a comment. I mean, this person's showing their work, so. Yeah, I doubt this motherfucker. Yeah, I'm going to have to trust this guy. I don't know. I guess. I would like to take this moment to apologize.

Look, either he's right or he's wrong and you have to argue with him. That's true. I apologize to Comet Croc and will do anything to avoid having to argue with him. Throw a large man into a stack of treasure. Kicks King Tut, an overweight man, a ways. I don't know why you have to get insulting about King Tut. Stops two advancing walls from crushing him and Robin. With Robin, smashing through a window,

With Robin pounds a trash can hard enough to incapacitate the bookworm inside. What? Just bullying. Some of these things are only with Robin. Climbs up a wall by pushing against each other's backs. With Robin lifts off a letter from a giant sign. With Robin breaks down a door. With Robin knocks off a letter from a giant sign. With Robin breaks down a door.

With Robin knocks four men down, dominoing the Joker, Penguin, and Riddler as well. Yeah. And then there are also 19 pages worth of stats on the Adam West record. Yay! Yay! If you are interested. Kapow! There is something not worth reading,

but it is about Little Pip's companions from Fallout Equestria. And I'm only mentioning that to mention that very, very early on in the Related to Nothing, I just like this thread on Ball Pit, is the best Fallout Equestria graphic that's ever been created, which is a gun

that gets used by a pony. And the way that the gun gets used by the pony, where the pony puts the gun in his mouth and fires the gun. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is this a My Little Pony Bethesda's Fallout crossover?

Yes. Frank, what is Fallout Equestria? Fallout Equestria is a fan fiction that started as one person's fan fiction about what if the ponies were in Fallout and is now comprises in total probably like 50 times more words than all of the Fallout games combined I think isn't it like the longest work of fiction

that exists? No, the longest work of fiction is the Smash Bros Oh yeah, that's right That's like the longest single one but Fallout Equestria is a group effort. And I think even has a spinoff series that went on to also be... Yeah, that sounds right. The original Fallout Equestria was over 600,000 words long.

Do you know what the spinoff is? Like, what the spinoff is? Oh, no, I got it confused with the other thing. Sorry, there's another sprawling My Little Pony fan fiction world, and that's the one that had the spinoff. It wasn't like Fallout Equestria New Pegasus or anything like that? I really feel like I want to hate it, but for some reason I feel like I'd rather play that than Fallout 76.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody who has played Fallout 76 got to agree. I mean, at least there's dialogue. Yeah, at least there's ponies you can talk to instead of just doing fetch quests. As long as the mouth guns are believable, goddammit.

I will try to put it in the show notes, but pony guns, pony mouth guns are ridiculous. And it's fun as sighted as sorts. That's right. But hey, respect the monsters, okay? Which monsters? I want to specifically talk about the monsters in Scooby-Doo 2, Monsters Unleashed.

Oh, of course. Those monsters. Yes. Yeah, Scooby-Doo and Mystery Inc. have faced dozens of masked menaces over the years. I think probably more than dozens. From space kooks to ghost clowns. But sometimes the monsters are real. And once, an old

foe of theirs took some masked menaces and made them real. That, you see, is the plot of Scooby-Doo 2 Monsters Unleashed. A thought to be dead enemy, Jonathan Yacobo That sounds like a Scooby-Doo name, yeah. Yep.

Scientifically formulates... Just like that. Science! Yeah. How to create real monsters out of monster costumes and tries to use them to take over the world or, at the very least, get revenge on Mystery Inc. Also, they have a flying pirate ship?

It's not clear where they got it. I'm going to list the monsters in order. Good. Oh, Inc. Also, they have a flying pirate ship. It's not clear where they got it. I'm going to list the monsters in order. Good. Good. So there's the Black Knight ghosts, right, who can break a table in half, cuts a halberd in half, kicks down a metal door that's huge. Oh, yeah. In half?

No. No, just kicks it down. It doesn't. Maybe it's like one third or two thirds. That's huge. Oh, yeah. And half? No. No, just kicks it down. It doesn't, it's like, maybe it's like one third and two thirds. That's disappointing. Also, other,

since he's a ghost, only hits to his armor actually do anything. Also has a horse. Okay. Is it a ghost horse? Is it a pona? Yeah.

But has a weak point. Yeah, that's known in martial arts as the gate. The pterodactyl ghost lifts up the 10,000 volt ghost costume in his mouth. These all have gifts attached to them. Yeah, this is almost the entire movie. You don't need to watch the movie now.

Pterodactyl ghost flies into the tar monster, punches a hole in the billboard with his face. I don't think that's a power. I don't know why we're gendering the pterodactyl ghost. Why are we assuming these ghosts are men? Yeah. The 10,000-volt ghost sends Daphne flying with contact. That makes sense. A lot of electricity.

Being channeled into black night Ghost makes a large explosion. And the limitation is mental physically interacts with and thus can harm. Mental physically interacts with. Metal. Try again. Metal. There it is. Thank you.

Appreciate it. Metal physically interacts with and thus can harm him. A ghost. One of his gifts, Daphne, is like trying to jump kick the electricity ghost, which just seems like a really bad idea. I always took Daphne for an idiot, though. You know, it's fair. Captain Cutler, of course, makes a big splash. I think that's a skill course makes a big splash I think that's a skill

Making a big splash I'll have to watch the gift and make sure to see That's a fairly big splash I don't know if it's like an amazingly big splash It's more like he kicked some water Yeah There's the tar monster The special skill of the tar monster

Is that it emerges from the sewers. Oh, this is not the one from Song of the South. No, no. Much different Tar Monster. Much different Tar Monster. It's a different subreddit altogether. The Tar Monster restrains Daphne in a video clip I have never masturbated to before. Well, buddy, you're missing it.

This clip and that one scene from Space Channel 5 are two things I've never masturbated to. Good to know. You're a jelly weirdo. The skeleton men um here's an important thing to know about the skeleton men red eye makes a sled out of green eye okay welcome

um red throws green's head and embeds it in wood um and finally and uh most clarifyingly pull a large metal vent pipe out. That's a skill. Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

The minor 49er breathes fire. Okay. Yeah. Wait, hold on. The skeleton men, the vent pipe falls on them. They didn't pull it out. Yeah, that's true. This is misrepresenting these abilities.

How am I supposed to accurately argue with this misinformation? I'm sorry. What does the miner do? You just realized I have the exact same powers as a zombie. Yeah. I was going to say this. The two powers of a zombie is a zombie can puke and drive a truck I mean suck at my fucking uncle

and I can take him and finally the cotton candy glob forms out of thin air which is of course really useful and good and I'm really glad that we spent our time learning about that shit uh it was great uh and so that means that it's time for us to move into the profile

of a character by the name of colonel sanders colonel sanders from dc universe i hate this. Aw, Lemon, are you getting comic book poisoning? Wait, DC Universe? Is there a DC Universe character named Colonel Sanders? Just read the frickin' intro. Well, we have to find out, right? Somebody has to tell us. Shit. Shit.

Ass behind. Okay. Colonel Harlan Sanders. After the events of Forever Evil, Mirror Master got into contact with a man from Earth-3 by the name of Colonel Sunder, the evil version of Earth-1's own Colonel Sanders. When Sunder opened up a terrible fried chicken restaurant,

Sanders set out to punish the doppelganger for besmirching the Colonel's good name. Colonel Sanders would go on to defeat Sunder again with the help of several Colonel Sanders of different realities and even open a universe-wide delivery service for KFC oh this was a tie-in oh it was a tie-in to the KFC delivery

oh my god like hostess hand pies oh fuck well it's saying that it's a Sean baby comic well the universe-wide delivery service is like supposed to be happening in our own reality because of the events in the comic book. That's what it's talking about.

Oh man, yes, there are images. Alright, so the physicals. The strength. Colonel Shanders can hold onto Earth-11 Flash's cosmic treadmill while traveling between realities. The Colonel can also destroy turrets by throwing a table across a restaurant at them, and knocks Colonel Sunder's thug through a window and throws Sunder through a portal, knocks out Colonel Sunder, shoves aside Colonel Sunder's thug, smashes his TV with his cane.

All right? And then the durability of Colonel Sanders is he gets choked by Loftleys, which doesn't sound like a good thing. He's unharmed after driving into the Zinger One, crashing back to Earth. One of the alternate reality Colonel Sanders is unsurprisingly a chicken.

That makes sense. I would say that one of Colonel Sanders' weaknesses is to get fired and recast every time they're in a commercial. I thought they did that on purpose, though. Does that mean that the chicken one serves humans? They didn't start by doing that on purpose. But I think

there's not a new scandal that removes each one. I mean, one of the Colonel Sanders was Reba McIntyre. Right, right. The mantle weighs heavy upon the head. They give it up voluntarily. It's like a Green Lantern thing. It fits in with the DC universe.

Because they actually have to work at the restaurants when they do that. But just in case you're wondering if I knew my wrestling terminology, I sure do. He no-sells Colonel Sonda's pink slime ray, breaks out of Colonel Grodd's psychic control, which had taken down the rest... Actually, I believe you'll find that... Sorry, yes, it's me again, the historian. No-sell is actually an official who-would-win piece of terminology. Which they took from pro wrestling, yeah.

Well, I mean, it's ours now. It's here in this tome. Breaks out of Colonel Grodd's psychic control, which had taken down the rest of the Colonel Corps. I wonder how the rank structure is in the Colonel Corps, but anyway.

If everybody's a colonel. Very confusing. Yeah. It must be confusing. Colonel General, Colonel Marshall. There's he's a colonel. Very confusing. Yeah. It must be confusing. All right. Colonel General, Colonel Marshall. There's, uh... Colonel has a bit

of speed of agility. He blocks frozen biscuits shot out of turrets using a table. Okay. The colonel and Flash are friends

in almost every reality. He has enough will to wield a green lantern ring and was made an honorary green lantern Okay And he knocks back Larflees With a fist construct

I don't know what that means Hey, can you tell me a whole lot About his gear? Yeah, sure can Absolutely, get comfortable Okay He has a variety of gadgets on his person Thanks Thank you Okay. He has a variety of gadgets on his person.

Thanks. Thank you. You're welcome. I gotta look at this image a lot closer. Like a bolo tie. He has x-ray glasses. Wow. In the inspection spectacles, is he just inspecting that guy's pancreas?

Yeah, that's what it looks like. Maybe he's looking for chicken. Maybe he's seeing if he ate camp seed. I see that you had three tenders. Good for you. I love watching our food be digested. Would you mind standing still for just a few minutes?

His tie cost $10. Finally, Frank, we're going to close this on something that we couldn't miss. Let's do a profile on a fighter by the name of Garfield. The legend. The lover and fighter man. Respect Garfield. Surely you can't mean that Garfield.

The lover and fighter man. Respect Garfield. I hate Mondays. Love your Garfield voice, by the way. Yes. This is my Garfield appreciator. Mondays. Love your Garfield voice, by the way. Yes. This is my Garfield appreciator. Oh, that's right. The real Garfield hardcore fans will know.

The Garfheads. Garfield is. Garfheads. Garfield is, without a doubt, the most popular cat in all of comedy. Sucks. Excuse me. Apparently somebody has heard of Heathcliff.

I was going to say, suck it, Heathcliff. Eat a fucking dick, Heathcliff. Get the fuck out of here, Bill. Come on, Heathcliff was he I can't remember a single characteristic of Heathcliff. Was he naughty? I don't remember.

He likes to get a fish bone out of remember he's uh you know he likes to get a fish bone out of a garbage yeah he likes to eat fish bones okay he's not like top cat who's basically isn't he the one that wants you to beware of the garbage ape and nothing makes sense yeah i was reading on it recently it's gotten really surreal and strange heathcliff's live in a bizarre world where neither the punchline or the comic have anything to do with each other or reality. Garfield is a, or yeah, Heathcliff is basically a one panel like nonsense comic.

Yeah, complete nonsense. Like Marmaduke. Having been in the funny pages for over 40 years, Garfield has picked up his occasional impressive feat over the course of his syndication. What is that? Well, we have to find out.

We'll get to that, but I need to finish this background first, because none of you know who Garfield is. Anyway, you probably know him. Fat cat who hates Mondays and dogs and loves lasagna. Fucking rad, right? Unfortunately, being iconic is not a feat, so we'll have to dig a smidgen deeper.

Note that only comic strips will be used here, since the TV shows and specials being canon is debatable at best. No U.S. acres for you. So, no Tale of Two Kitties here? No. Absolutely fucking not, and I don't even want you mentioning that in my goddamn house again. This is a Garfield comic strip house, goddammit. The real canon. So here is physicals.

Strength. Hurls a television set with pinpoint accuracy at John. However the circumstances of the feat suggest it is adrenaline-based. I can't say that description is wrong, looking at the image they linked to that. It's a CRT. That's a heavy TV. That's an accurate description of what's going on. Implied that he ate an entire cow,

which I guess is something you put under strength. Yeah, that's a strength. Garfield's a chupacabra. He's a swarm of piranha. Crushes an alarm clock with his bare hand. Drags John up a tree. And his teeth can cling into the side of an ice cream truck. This likely means he can bite

through steel. This Garfield sounds way better than the Garfield I'm familiar with. The one who sleeps and eats lasagna all day? Garfield's nursery. What a wonderful monster. I love this reboot. Durability.

Tanks being slammed into the side of his house by Odie. And got smashed in the face with a boot and completely fine the next day. This cat cannot be stopped. He will chew through your house. He will chew through your dog. He will not stop. He will destroy our soul. Oh, you think you can outrun him?

Well, speed. He keeps up with an ice cream truck. Going full speed. There's a lot an ice cream truck going full speed. There's a lot about ice cream trucks in this list. He murders a mailman by running incredibly high speeds. Oh, my God, he does. Yeah. Okay, literally, that is actually...

Holy shit! Wow. Okay, so you click the link. You click the link. So, Zarla, describe it as all Garfield comics are. It's a three-panel strip. Will you describe this strip? So Garfield's running, and he goes,

I wonder how fast I can run. I wonder what would happen if I hit this kitty door at Mach 2. And then the last panel is the mailman, like, splayed out. And then it has Garfield thinking, I wonder if killing a mailman is a federal offense. The mailman is uh He's dead. He is dead.

He is dead. He has been killed. Yeah his neck is in an unnatural position. His neck is clearly broken. His neck has been snapped. It totally makes sense that Jim Davis

is a sob sim. Kind of like am I being detained? I do not recognize the federales i was not driving officer i was traveling i mean the thing about john arbuckle is that he's been squatting illegally for 40 years but whenever the cops get close garfield comes out so it's just safer to leave him

is it worth the manpower it's not worth. No one told me he had a faster than light feet. Yes. Coconut Crab points out that Garfield has a faster than light feet. This cat breaks the laws of physics and so many brave officers have lost their lives.

Garfield can be brought to justice. There's no justice he recognizes. Okay, but at least this cat obeys the laws of physics Right? Wrong Next category, reality warping Physically ejects Odie into the next week This cat can erase periods of time Wills himself in and out of a timeline Manifested by a lack of appreciation

Of those around him. Garfield OP, Nerf Garfield. Yeah. The Hollywood one. Halloween one. Starving in the house alone. That comic strip messed me up so much as a kid.

I loved Garfield because it was, you know, silly and predictable and fun, and then that comic strip appeared in the newspaper. I was like, what's happening? There's no warning for it or anything. It just happened. Uh-uh. It was horrifying.

It's all the more confusing to me because it's also drawn by someone who can draw. Yeah. And that's weird. There's extensive backgrounds and detailing and stuff like that. Right, right. Perspective work. Dramatic camera angles. Wow, what happened there?

Anyways, miscellaneous feats. He can hold his breath underwater for a pretty impressive length of time. And he's able to understand the languages of other species. Comes in handy. Oh, he's Aquaman. Okay. Yes. Alright, and then actually just to close it out

here, nutshell, if you'll just take this list of titles that Rod put here at the end. Oh, okay. Let me just scroll down here, you know. All the way down at the bottom. Scrolling and scrolling. Wow, look at all that scrolling.

Oh, boy. Wow, Pip sure does have a lot of friends, doesn't she? Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, sure. Super. Oh, okay. Oh, some real good titles. George Washington with Captain America's shield versus a Roomba with a continuously firing flamethrower on it

Hmm Worst hacker in fiction that can hack into the bat computer Who would win a SAS contest between a stereotyped gay guy and a stereotyped black woman Wait, stereotyped as in the gay guy's

being stereotyped by someone else? Yeah, by the writer of the show. Yeah, just a dude and a lady, and they're shrugging at each other. Who's doing this to me? Oh, wow. This is actually true. Some of these things, you know, there's so many stereotypes. The Tattletail Stringer versus Dennis, the SpongeBob SquarePants movie.

Toll Fungus from Llamasil commercial versus a Mucinex booger. That's not bad. That's pretty good. That's not bad. Who's the weakest character who could kill Corpse King? Or Corpse Kong? Wouldn't the name...

The name implies that Corpse Kong is already dead? Yeah. Good job, weakest character. The TF2 mercenaries take part in the MLB. How well do they do? I imagine the Scout does okay. The Scout's completely baseball themed, so... Yeah, but he murders people.

That would help in baseball. So don't block the plate when the scouts come around. Weakest character who can impeach Princess Peach. I thought Princess Peach was a monarch. I don't think he can do that. Six Neanderthals versus a mutant rabbit.

So Monty Python. Yeah. Charles Darwin versus Charles Dickens. Oh, wow. Darwin. Darwin had some body mass. Dickens was very, very funny. The Peanuts Gang

versus Pennywise, the dancing clown. What? What? Adorable children versus an unknown horror yeah i mean that is steven king book well they're not adorable what if lucille the football after pennywise and he fell for it you know i mean you have to think about this stuff that's pretty funny actually yeah especially with the big shoes yeah i'd like to see them they could could have a dance battle. Oh, yeah. Epic rap battle history, free for all. Just let them all die.

Who is the ultimate DK crew member? Lord Voldemort versus Baby Mario. Which version of the Joker would do best at actually being a clown? Cesar Romero, obviously. Oh, yeah. And really, Michael Jackson versus

his own genitals. Ban for being edgy. What did we learn from any of this, Fplus? I thought I learned who would win, but I don't think I actually did. I think people just presented the scenarios and then nobody... This is not a place for coming to conclusions. Don't downvote. It's just a place

for endless speculation. Oh, I did... Yeah, another one of those things where Reddit is like, well, I got this premise, oh, it doesn't work, but let's all spend a lot of time on it. Yeah, it really is like, some of these had like 10% funny in their 100% of posts. I did actually.

And maybe you just, you don't need to do that. You don't need to be on Reddit, that's nonsense. You don't need to do that you don't need to be on reddit that's nonsense you don't need to do that reddit reddit might not be the worst place on the internet but it does have the worst posters they're the worst at poster i would agree with that uh yeah because there's a lot of i mean there's you know all especially big like social media sites have have all sorts of shitposting. Right. But the Reddit shitposting is the most time-sink crafter. Yes.

People are spending the most words shitposting. Which goes against the whole idea. And if you like to shitpost, I do. So, Zarly, you said you learned something. I did learn something. I learned that Santa Claus St. Nicholas punched a heretic in the face

at the Council of Nicaea. So based on his willingness to use violence, Santa's probably top 10% for round one. I didn't know that either. He punched a hairy dick in the face? Yes. That's in the Bible. Look it up. Look it up.

Oh. Sorry. I love, this is something that Reddit and Stack Exchange kind of have in common, is that there's not a concept or thought that can exist in popular fiction that is too stupid for them to dissect. obvious stupid corporate spinoff like thing like this like this like oh i'm i'm colonel sanders and i'm like a fucking cowboy or whatever like everyone goes yeah i will skip past the ad but no he's like well okay let's let's figure out the stats here let's analyze this because if i don't analyze this then i'm literally wasting my life yeah like the correct way to engage with that if you're going to is to make fun of it but they've done the opposite of make fun of it and engaged with it more earnestly than

anyone else has ever done including the people who made it including all the people who made it yeah uh yeah it's it's it's bad it's bad i mean i know that you know uh the people involved in this show are sort of of a certain age. And I think the people of that, the people that are involved in the show are old enough that we remember like we remember when nerd culture was slightly different. That like it was it was just unpopular enough that it was like still a little bit like ostracized that like there was some sort of cadre to it and now i can't nerd culture is the worst it is it is the worst i hate nerd culture and this is arguably the the nicest corner of nerd that's true there was not a lot of sure this is the thing racism there was some of it. This is the upside. Well, also, this is probably heavily

curated for our benefit, too. That's also true. Our website is always thefl.us. Our forum is Ball Pits, which continues to be fun. We have a live show, which has tickets sold out, but

we've got a karaoke after party and a really, really stupid merch. Oh my god, do we have really dumb merch coming up. And I'm buying too much of it. Yay, dumb merch. Really, really, really

dumb merch. At the point, I've gone mad, because at the point that I bought the cassettes and I actually sold out of the cassettes, I was like, well, fuck it. That's going to work. Let's see where the bottom is on this thing. Yeah, let's keep going.

All right, bye-bye. Bye. Podcasters. I just like that phrase. Keep recording. I know I just like that phrase keep recording Outro Music