The F Plus - 322: The F Plus Praises!

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

Sourced from all over the internet, we're singing songs of praise and worship (25 of them to be exact) and we expect you to feel our love deep inside you, except not in a sex way this time. This week, The F Plus begins The Upward Spiral.

This is the F Plus Praises. Up ahead in this episode is 25 different examples of Christian-themed poetry and songs. And if, for some reason, recent developments have left you with extra time on your hands, we're going to be giving you yet another opportunity to remix the F+.

We've got details on the FPL website on the website at the end of this video. We've got details on the FPL website at the end of this video. But for now, would you please just pray for us. Listeners, it's time for you to be saved. By the F Plus Podcast, a very pious place for terrible things read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Rangier.

Dear God, we have given you a grill. We won't do more evil, but we will comply to your will. Jack Chick, I put on the face of happy and there is no dural angle with me. It's fun. Wait, yes I do. Im the Dark Angle. I will go where you dear not to. He's your friend on the internet and his name is Adam Bozarth. When darkness

fills the city, it is not me your creator saying worship me or else pay the penalty. From the wonderful podcast located on the I Don't Even Own a Television dot com, this is J.W. Friedman. I learned to read, managed to write, and even copulated numbers till commencement night. And Lemon.

Haiku for Jesus. The Lord's shaft of light, washing over our faces, touching all of our souls. I just learned what a haiku is. Let's keep it cool. You don't need to feel blue. Because we won't say nothing. You can't use. Hey, F+.

Hey. Hey, I got a question for you related to, you know, your current activities, your current sort of self-isolating activities. Have all you been feeling horny? Yes. Yeah. It's definitely somewhere in the spectrum.

Okay. Somewhere in the spectrum. Somewhere between not at all and extremely. How would you describe both ends of your spectrum isfahan uh zero two all the way okay it's somewhere on there well i'm always hort but right now especially so i'm gonna i'm gonna hand isfahan a picture of the horny wheel and you can just point out which which pie slice he is. Ooh, pie.

Okay, okay, he's up there at ten. I don't need his help. So this is, I brought you in here today because this is a document given to me very, very recently that I knew that I wanted to share with you specifically. This is a first-time

submitter by the name of Sinbucket. And Sinbucket gave us a document that I have entitled, This is a selection of Christian poetry and songs. Thank you. Jesus loves you. Don't have sex. Yay! What was that last part?

Don't have sex. What? Don't have sex. At all? Yeah. No, don't have sex at all. Yeah, don't. Don't do it.

Ever. Wait, don't? Right on it. Teenage sex. Don't do sex. At all? Yeah, no, don't have sex at all. Yeah, don't. Don't do it. Ever. Wait, don't? Teenage sex. Don't do it. Cool, I'm already living the life, so I'm ready for the poems. Awesome, awesome. So we're about to live the life of Morrissey with a big asterisk and be celibate. Finally, my time

has come. Yeah, so these are, there's some songs in here and also poems. The document starts out with an entire page of animated gifs. Thank you.

That's definitely one way to get me interested. A snow globe that says, God bless our troops. Wow. I just got a pop-up that said, I've been infected with the wrong thinking. Do I currently want to keep using the infected thinking? Yeah, that's a question.

That's a question you could have answered at Jesus-is-Savior.com. But we're not going to go there instead. Why is an angel pushing a boy into the fires of Mordor? Because that's what he deserves. That's how you destroy the boy. Yeah. Take that, boy.

That's where the boy was made, and that's the only place it can be unmade. Yeah. Anyway, so we're going gonna dig right in here uh to uh this is a poem uh from a website called chastitycall.org chastity callers are standing by my chastity belt is ringing um so so boots uh this poem is called abstinence plainly enough uh and uh if you'll just take this poem please yeah this is my poem and it's called abstinence i will wait until the vow is made before i let my chastity fade i save myself for the right girl the one that will wait for me okay so, so rhyming's out the door. A, A, B, C.

I think we've fallen into the middle of a limerick, I think. It may take a while for the time to come, but that is the decision I choose to be. Oh, iambic pentameter. What? I agree of difficulty.

I like that. I dream of that one day we will be united. Okay. There goes meter. Scantions out the window. It's all falling apart so fast. We both will enjoy the reward for which we fight it. There we go.

See? See? Picked up that man. Now we're losing grammar. All right. This person is a challenge for whom I'll pay the cost. Ah, yeah. Praying that she'll live only for me before she lets herself become lost.

What? Solid. Perfect. I consider this ambition an unclosed seal. Whoever this promise is made for, thank you for waiting for me to kneel Is that a blowjob poem? Yes I hope so

Okay I also have a poem Oh cool, okay, this one's from DeviantArt Yeah I've entitled this poem Virgin Sorry, it's a Christian poem And here it goes

Age 13 I made a vow Back then an atheist and proud No sex until marriage with a pagan female I kept my word to this day And prevail Whoa What?

Age 23 I got saved to this day and prevail. Whoa. Whoa. What? Age 23, I got saved. On the 22nd of December 2007 is when the choice was made. I will keep my virginity until marriage with that female. I really love this meter. Because God will not sentence me because I've been faithful, Lael. That's a good rhyme. Yep, that's a good rhyme. me because I've been faithful,

Lael. That's a good rhyme. Same vow made at age 23, except it was to be with a Christian female, you see. Oh, you see. So, you decided, first you were going to be atheist, then you were going to be pagan, and you were like,

I'm going to go on this whole spiritual journey, but the only thing that's going to remain common is that a vow of chastity is important no matter what religion I am I need to not fuck that's the hardest thing for me to unpack is that he started as an atheist

virgin I mean I feel like he was just really a big minor threat fan and just kind of followed their trajectory sure that's always ended well for everybody exactly feel like he was just really a big minor threat fan and just kind of followed their trajectory. Sure. That's always ended well for everybody. Exactly. I don't know anyone with X tattoos that hangs out nightly

in bars. J.W. Freeman has a lot of tattoos. Hey, J! Yeah, one of them says true till death across my chest. So, Jay, this one's from originalpoetry.com, and it's called Sex Can Wait. Sex can be great, but it can wait. To all you girls, stop being easy.

And all you boys, stop being so sleazy. Can you do this in Humpty Hump, please? Sex can be great, but it can wait. To all you girls, stop being easy. And to all you boys, stop being so sleazy. E4D comes in. If she loves you, then they will wait till honeymoon night. Instead of having to

Have a baby So that I can't do it Instead of having to Have a baby I said that ain't right Losing your virginity Is pain

Headache is the only Thing you gain If your choice It's your choice Will you wait Or be cool Or go have sex And be somebody's fool

The only thing You can get out of sex is a headache. And a baby. Well known. I can just feel a young Tupac Shakur dancing in the background of that. Man, we are going Sinbucket has taken us

all over the place. Now we are at deepundergroundpoetry.com Oh we've been there before Yeah yeah yeah They've redesigned It doesn't look better but they have redesigned And this is by Joe Grace Grace Okay sure

The famous stand up comedian Check check I really like this one It's really good Okay How can sexual intercourse serve as metaphor for dying and going to heaven? Oh? Let the penis stand for the individual person. It does occasionally.

Sometimes multiple people. Yeah. For it's got a head and mouth like a person does. Weird. Like a person does. And when evil dick gets his way, he talks like this. The erect penis can stand for the upright person, even the righteous. For uprightness and righteousness are fairly synonymous terms.

Semen dwells within the penis. Actually, the nutsack. Prove me wrong. Like the soul lives within the body. This is the first poem I've ever read with the word nutsack in it. How is this the first thing you've read withutsack in it with so much ICP content? The first poem. Maybe the first time that Nutsack has been encountered in a poem. Yeah.

So the sperm ejaculating from the penis logically stands for the soul shooting forth from the body at death. Oh my god, he's at 85% Jell-O Biafra. Ah, le petit mort. My God, he's at 85% Jell-O Biafra. Ah, le petit mort. The sperm comes forth from the head of the penis, much like the soul slash mind departs from, yes, the brain at death. Let's presume that the pleasure of male orgasm,

in the context of vaginal intercourse between heaven and what? Husband and wife. Heaven and wife. Is a token of the joy the saved soul feels as it enters heaven's kingdom. The penis entering the vagina is like the person as he is being buried in the ground. See first comment below. But shale. Yeah.

Hey man, got any baggage around sex? But shale can mean much more than the grave slash ground. Naturally, this guy is a fan of Swedish black metal. Anyways. Rather, it is the spiritual realm of the dead. So, to the vagina,

instead of merely being like the grave in which the penis is buried, the vagina symbolizes the next world, i.e. the kingdom of heaven. Baby, I want you to be the final resting place for my dick. Then, let me tell you,

pick up lines, if you're looking for a good one, be like, uh-huh. Hey, have you ever thought about how the vagina is the grave in which the penis is buried? Oh my god, now I am. It's kind of weird how I came out of one and I'm always trying to get back into one, huh? Can I buy you a drink? Ashes to ashes, penis to vagina. Not in the poem no

the sperm once it is in the vagina travels into the fallopian tubes okay Dr. Bowen this is like the spirit of the dead person finding himself in a tunnel who sees the living light

in the distance and is determined to travel to it. Finally, the sperm uniting with the ovum to make the zygote stands for what? Any suggestions? Oh, have we got to finish

your poem? That's the part for crowd work. Employing the technique Of the collapsing metaphor Yeah it's like hey this guy In the third row back here says Butt

He's got some very adventurous sperm Joe Grace Grace from his profile photo You can tell he's also a failed cartoonist So that was some of the sex stuff We do have some drug stuff as well. Adam Bozarth, I would like you... Yes? I want to say no to drugs.

I do. I do want to say no to drugs. But I haven't figured out how to say no to drugs. Do you have a poem for me? Well, I got 25 ways to say no to drugs. Do drugs? Are you joking? I'd rather be choking.

I'm saving my body for sports. My father will kill me. Just keep it. Don't bill me. I've read all the latest reports. Hey, are you such a loser? A dope and a boozer. Get lost and don't bother to call. My head is not hollow. I will not swallow.

No, never. Not once. Not at all. And they said Nancy Sinatra didn't have a second song in her. 21, get high like a rocket. Your brain is in your pocket and you've sent all your marbles into space. And if you think for a minute that I'd give right in on it, well, just by the blank stare on my face. Do drugs, are you crazy?

I may be called lazy lazy but if i still had a functioning head go spread your infection some other direction i'd rather go skiing instead breakdown do drugs are you stating i'd rather go skating than being so cool to pretend I'm not a me-too-er. Go swim in the sewer! Because I don't need you as a friend. Get stoned. Agro?

Get stoned, are you saying? I'd rather go playing some racquetball, tennis, or bowl. What? I'd rather be funnin' than constantly runnin' from the narcs and the highway patrol. Drop the bass. Rather be funnin' than constantly runnin' from the narcs and the highway patrol. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Drop the grace. As we know, nobody's ever bowled while high. No, no.

I just want to get back to the constantly running from the narcs and the highway patrol. Or skated. It sure looks like those Duke boys are at it again. Boom, boom, boom, A sip are you bidding? You've got to be kidding. I'll stick my cola and pop. You're very kind-hearted, but once I get started, who knows if I ever could stop.

Cocaine are you handing? Your head is expanding. If you ever think that I'm really that dumb. The fools who have tried it are buried inside it. So keep it and suck on your thumb. Oh, ouch. The fools who have tried it are buried beside it. They buried the cocaine.

And the person who overdosed on the cocaine. Bury me with my separate gravestones. Myself, J.W. Friedman, being of sound sound mind wishes to be buried in a mound of cocaine thank you that's like I feel like that's a thing that Steve Vi has probably done, like he's probably got he's probably commissioned

he's probably commissioned a plot and a headstone for his cocaine to be buried next to him it's got a mirrored headstone for his cocaine to be buried next to him. It's got a mirrored top so people who go to pay their respects can get in on the act. I'm doing cocaine on cocaine. Oh, my God. Boom, boom, boom.

Buy drugs that you're selling. I guess there's no telling how bad you are needing the dough to finance your habit. Go find Roger Rabbit, because all you need is no. Alright, so that literally is like the lyrics to like half of the records I owned in the mid-90s. Your drugs are crazy. I may be causating

But I still have a functioning head That wasn't 25 ways to say no Cocaine are you handing? Your head is expanding If you really think I'm that dumb Oh my god Why am I squatting so low all of a sudden? My shirt, it's turned into a basketball jersey.

We got another drugs poem. I'm going to read this one here. This is from originalpoetry.somethingorother. Yeah, so this is called Why Won't God Make Me High? That's a great title. God, why do you make me suffer why won't you make me high what is it bad to want to escape misery and want to fly high high high high higher than a kite. A kiete. A kiete. Ooh. I wanna get high,

God! Why can you not make me high, God? Why does it feel like the best thing on Earth, God? What is this? It's a corn song. It's the upward spiral. This is a corn song. It is a corn song. It is a corn song.

The upward spiral. The upward spiral. God, why won't you answer me? Why won't you talk to me even in my sleep? Why is it that all I hear is devil whispering in my ear? Or is it you, God? Why can't I not have the ecstasy that I feel when I am chemically endowed? What?

What? Why can't I have the same relief When I pray to you, talk to you, question you Begging you, please give me a pill or something Why can I feel that you are real Come on God, just one pill I'm good for it baby That's actually what the song Just One Fix is about, right?

I'm waiting for my God. What have I done to forsake you? What many sins can you not forgive? My sins are why you don't speak to me. By the way, you is always capitalized. It's because it's God. Is that right or is it something else that keeps you from revealing yourself to me? How do I patch

things up with Jesus Christ to make everything alright again? I thought you said all that I needed was to believe in him, your firstborn son, but that doesn't seem to be enough. Oh, wow. Dude, Woodstock 99 was fucking crazy. Set fires.

I have so many swords, knives piercing me, stabbing me, slicing me to pieces. I feel my warm blood seep from all the holes in my soul. What can I do to make things right? Please, I beg of you, help me tonight. Dun-dun-dun. Wow. I'm so glad we saved all of that late 90s Geocities poetry. How do I patch things up with Jesus Christ and why can't you make me high, God?

Oh. Ooh. Mwah. You know, I think it confused the metaphor. You think that should have been two separate poems? I was worried I just sort of muddled my message. No, muddle them together more. What have I done to forsake you, God?

And then like four stanzas before that, he's begging God for a hit. What it really needs is a bass that sounds like a rubber band and like some squealy guitars. Maybe a part where you just start making like mouth noises. And then I think it would have been perfect. I'm a producer, by the way. Oh, yeah. No, I understand. Cool.

So this is a poem. Boots, you're going to take a poem called Don't Compromise. Okay. Don't Compromise. My name is... Before you mention it, I just want to say that Don't Compromise is taken from www.jesusprecious.org slash evilsinamerica slash dctalkexposed.htm. Oh, yeah.

DC Talk Evil. I've talked about DC Talk in this podcast. Believe me, there's nothing Christian about them, says this page. Yeah. How dare they? How dare they claim to make righteous music when it's the devil's music? I mean, obviously it rocks. It rocks.

We know that. Anyway, my name is Kathy Beardsley. I wrote this poem in February 8th, 1992. Cast your minds back. This poem is called Don't Compromise. It is inspired by our Lord Jesus. With every passing hour of the day, kids are being tricked into thinking that Christian rock and alike are okay because the lyrics keep them from sinking.

Rock music, heavy metal, and rap, where are their roots of origin? Christian rock, et cetera, it's a trap. Compromise with the world's sin. Remember, God's word stands strong on its own. My words will not return unto me void.

Unto me void? I was just hearing that in an Irish accent, too. Don't go staring into me void lest it stare back at you, boy. Don't use God's word to justify and condone worldly music that's meant to destroy.

Some say Christian words make the song. Nothing else really matters. But when the music is so loud and strong, for all they know, it's idle chatter. Be separate from the world, God tells us, and show ourselves worthy unto him. Don't compromise the principles he gave us, just so the world will accept you in.

Damn straight. Fuck Striper. Thank you, Kathy. Fuck Striper Thank you Kathy Fuck Striper Hey hey hey let's not say things we can't take back now Thank you Kathy The document Put together by Sinbucket Again thank you very much I really like this one

Section one was called Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll Section two is called Allegories and Personal Connections. So this poem is called N space E space V space E space R. That's never. We are going to a home of poetry. I'm talking about fanfiction.net.

Jack, take this one, please. Absolutely. I hate being in this condition. I freaking hate it. But it's for God. I see thousands of faces mocking me and my name. Even worse, mocking God's name. If your God

is so real, how come he hasn't rescued you? Knuckles, you're wasting your time! Yeah! Oh, wow. What? Powerful. But they don't know. That Knuckles? Category game subcategory Sonic the Hedgehog Oh that Knuckles

Yeah that Knuckles okay They don't know this passion I have They don't understand his power They don't see his love Only I do So his is capitalized because they're talking about Knuckles right Yeah And I love this passion i love the fire on my heart i love this energy and

will he gave to me and even if i am here tied with chains and beat up like a monster i will keep screaming that my god is real but they don't know what they are doing. They cut off my dreadlocks. They removed the spines in my hands. God damn it! Oh my god. They cut my skin open like they did to Jesus. My eyes are almost closed shut. My once peachy muzzle is now dark purple.

My tears are of blood. But I do not care. Maybe they cut open my chest, but they cannot remove my love for him. Is this a station of the Knuckles? What's going on? I believe that is what's happening. I was trying to figure out if they

redrew Knuckles without dreadlocks and then it was like, here's all of the things about Knuckles. Fuck you, internet, shut up. Deny him, or we'll kill you. My red tears begin to flow, and this gives me more pain than I already have. But I cannot. I cannot deny him after all he's done for me never i see that the german shepherd also capitalized in front of me rises a gun to my forehead his austral Australian accent is very prominent as he speaks.

Why wouldn't it be a German accent? Why would it be an Australian accent? He's an expat. Australian. Deny your God or you'll die. That's not a God. This is a God. He is a God.

Don't you get it? Apologies to our australian listeners yes i raised my eyes to meet his icy yellow ones i will never deny my god don't you get it boom i feel peace i feel harmony i see a beautiful man smiling at me with a crown and red robes! Santa? Santa? I see the holes in his hands and feet. Everything's over? Nah. My life has just started!

It was Suicide Jesus the Hedgehog. Like, I know Portex isn't here, but... I'm assuming there's not actually a German Shepherd character in Sonic the Hedgehog, and this writer is self-insert. What are you talking about? I think this writer would absolutely not deviate from... Because this could... If you're wrong about a Sonic character

that will get you thrown out of the Sonic God poetry community. Well, I mean, I feel like this would be really easy to research. Who wants to go to the Sonic the Hedgehog wiki and look at it? Yeah, Boots, I see all sorts of German Shepherds in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe, and they all have giant boners

and want to fuck me. Can you send me some of the... Yeah, yeah, you got it. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. This one's from the CNET forums. What? Yeah, we're going to educate some people in the CNET forums here.

Wow. This is a very good document. Wow. Y'all aren't ready for this one. Yeah, I don't know why. CNET under... It's in the speakeasies. Yeah, to connect people back in 2004.

2008 specifically. Oh, God! The forums still exist. This is fresh. We're still posting on them. Okay. So, uh, y'all consider these bones picked.

You can't steal my Star Star Christmas. Just too... You can't steal my Star Star Christmas. It's a poem by me, Sharon Steege. Stig? Stiggy? He started a bold tag, but then he forgot to close it.

Oh, okay. I don't know who they are. Saying I can't greet the crowd the way that I want to. Can't say Christmas out loud. Don't say it. Stop it. I walk into a business place. Say it out loud. Then Christmas will appear in your bathroom mirror.

Then the Christmas creep will show up. Hello, it's me. I've come down your chimney. You want to put up your lights? I walk into a business place seeing things that I rather not see. Me too. But dare I not say Christmas and ask for a holiday tree.

Don't ask for a holiday tree at the porn shop. I got a question for you. What happened to freedom of speech and living in the land of the free? It's now the mash. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? How can they take my Christmas money, but can't say Merry Christmas to me?

Hell yeah. Oh my God. What a good bumper sticker. Ma'am, I'm sorry. Your money's no good here. It's got a picture of Santa on it instead of George Washington. No, take my Christmas money. Men and

women have given their lives so we could still go free. Good point, good point. I wonder how they would feel at saying holiday tree. Ooh, thank you for your Christmas service. My father fought in the Salvation Army.

He rang that bell until it's all he could hear. Come on, America, let's wake up. Don't let our freedom escape. If they get by with doing this, what else will they take? Wait, who's they? You, capital T, they. You know.

Ah, okay. This is starting to get out of hand, and I've begun to keep track. Oh, good. Oh, God. Oh, of hand. And I've begun to keep track. Oh, good. Oh, God. Oh, no. Well, I've just about had enough. I'm taking Christmas back.

Oh, God. Oh, shit! Oh, my God! Cobretta, you're off the case. This is the falling down remake we've all been waiting for. Starring Kirk Cameron! I'm gonna say Christmas out loud. Say Hanukkah Bush one more time, motherfucker.

I dare you. Kirk Cameron stars as Sharon Stieg. So Merry Christmas, America. I hope this gets all over the net. If we all stand united and take freedom back, it will be our best Christmas yet. Merry Christmas and happy birthday, Jesus. Happy birthday, Jesus.

Just kill some infidels. It'll be the best Christmas yet. Yeah. Sharon's really mad that she got chewed out after her shift at Dollar General. Yeah. Sharon's really mad that she got chewed out after her shift at Dollar General. All right. Hey, AJ. Yeah.

There's a poem here. There's Scratch, which is pretty good. I like Scratch. But I like more than Scratch. I like Untitled by Sergei. Oh, yeah, definitely. Can you take that one, please? Yeah. So. Whoa. This is going to be tough. like, untitled by Sergei. Oh, yeah, definitely. Can you take that one, please? Yeah, so...

Whoa. This is going to be tough. Jesus, he is virgin. Fast situation. Teach boy to love. Make him a man. Amen. Storm the sky.

Be real. I'm horrible. I'm not a Jesus. I can go straight to save the Savior. Girls got no fear. Girls to win. Jed said, I'm old. Executioner.

Executioner. Horrible. I'm old. Freaky fart. I'm 44. Male army guy. Executioner! Executioner! Horrible. M44. Male army guy. I killed to save the world, but never saved the world to kill.

Be brave. Stay blessed. God around in a jiffy. Amen. Just hold tight. God's gonna be around in a jiffy you can just hear the track suit jesus he is virgin best situation teach boy to love make him a man i guess so i guess the answer is no he would not like to making fuck. Also, I would like to point out the way horrible is spelled. Yeah. It is spelled.

Able to be whored. By the way, so it's time for us to get timely and topical a year or so ago. Yeah. So this is a poem by Roy Moore, by which I mean that Roy Moore. Oh, God. Oh, no. Was that only a year ago? By which I mean the Roy Moore who is not allowed in shopping malls in Alabama.

Oh, boy. Quote, unquote, Judge Roy Moore, right? His friend's called Judge, but he's not a judge. He was a chief justice, my friend. Oh, that's... I'm sorry. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. But his first love is poetry. So here is a poem by Roy Moore.

Oh, my God. America, the beautiful, or so you used to be. Land of the Pilgrim's Pride, semi-colon. I'm glad they'll never see Babies piled in dumpsters Abortion on demand Preach Oh sweet land of liberty

Your house is on the sand That's another semicolon Our children wander aimlessly Poisoned by cocaine Choose to indulge the lust when God has said abstain. Abstain! From sea to shining sea, our nations turn away. From teaching of God's love, and a need to always pray.

Funky Cole Medina. love and I need to always pray. Funky Cole Medina. We've kept God in our temples how gallant have we grown when earth is but his footstool and heaven is his throne. We voted in a government

that's rotting at the core appointing godless judges who threw reason out the door too soft to place a killer in a well-deserved tomb but brave enough to kill a baby before he leaves the womb. Oh my god.

Oh no. That's why abortionists do it. Just to prove that they can. Listen lady, I can take that fucking baby i can kill a baby as long as it's not born yet that baby's a pussy i'm just scared boy guys i think lead poisoned a whole generation of people yeah Yeah, I totally, yeah. No, that's a really good theory, honestly. It really is. Oh, wow. They put it in gas and paint, and it turns

out it did some stuff to some people's heads. Made people assholes for a long time. You think that God's not angry that our land's a moral slum? How much longer will he wait before his judgment comes? How are we to face God for whom we cannot hide, but then is left what?

What then is left for us to do but stem this evil task? Wait, we cannot hide for God? Yeah. You can't hide from God. You can't hide from. From. Oh, from. Okay.

From whom? Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not a rapper. From whom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, I'm not a rapper.

If we who are his children will humbly turn and pray, seek his holy face, and mend our evil way, then God will hear from heaven and forgive us of our sins. He'll heal our sickly land and those who live within. But America the beautiful, if you don't, then you will see a sad but holy God withdraw his hand from thee. Don't make me raise my God hand to you. Judge Roy Moore. All these kids indulging their lusts. Not including me.

So that poem comes to us from JesusSite.com. Yeah. JesusSite.com. Which is... What do we call it? What do we call it? I don't know. Jesus.com.

Fuck! This site, the author of this post is from David Wallace, who is a search and social media marketer. Yeah, he is. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Holy moly his interests are disney roller coaster musicianship and christianity hey lemon yeah what's up can i do the poem that's called i am a poet oh god yes of course you can yes please good please do. This one belongs to me because I am a poet.

Okay, great. I'm a poet! Big old pear-shaped poetry! You cannot be a poet. Do you write free verse? No. I knew that I could show it. Have you come out of the closet like Marilyn Hacker in Malay?

No, you cannot be a poet. What? Are you gay and proud of it like Ginsburg and Whitman? No, I knew that I could show it. Do you smoke pot and inhale it? Are you a drug addict or an alcoholic? No, you cannot be a poet. Are you suicidal and love to flaunt it?

Have you been married more than once? No, I knew that I could show it. Oh, God. Do you hate war and protest it? Do you swear you are an atheist? No, you cannot be a poet. i knew that i could show it note i am a conservative poet no i thought that's no it i'm yeah i like how that took all of my expectations and flipped them on their head yeah yeah listen listen we all knew i could show it we all would love the money fame and success that being a poet gets you.

They've just shut the door on this guy. You know what I hate about poetry is its agenda. Remember when poetry was all apolitical? It was great. And then our last poem in this section, this is a poem from, let's see, this is the Child's Nature Poems. Uh-oh. And it is called Ouch. Ouch.

Ouch. What was that? Mom, I got an ooy. An ooyah. And now it's red, and now it is red. And oi. So here I just sat. Mommy, tell me why it hurts. When I am just with all my heart trying to do my part.

And I only just began to start. Your skin is soft and tender. Whatever's hard and deep will surely be an offender. When pressed in very far, Jesus made you special. And when you are not in trouble, there is no ooey. But when you do have to be sorry, he will make it well. Oh, I'm worried about this person. Oh, my God. about this person Oh my god

Hell yeah Shit, shit, shit A A, B, C, A D F E, F, E G, H, I, J, K, L

Alright, I was wrong G-H-I-J-K-L-E. All right. I was wrong, but I said we would go to the next section. But first, I just saw this one. Jay, take No Bars Will Hold Me. I've been locked up for way too long, baby. It's time. No bars can hold you.

You can break these cuffs. I can. me it's time here we go hold you you can break these cuffs i can we is microwave daily by lizard aliens fucking scaly it's scary it's hairy it's a shakedown a takedown for sure glued become unglued creation of hedonism is an armageddonism and time's approaching it doesn't need coaching as globalization leads to mass manipulation No more nations required associations The Antichrist is on the throne Slaughter all just blood and bone

Brainwashing on your iPhone Kewenene You got me to trust Salvation robust I pray for my jail cell Please Lord save me from hell From the hell I'm about to be unleashed. Lord, save me, I'm beseeched.

Caught up in the air with tender love and care. With the wings to fly. The child of God shall never die. Kick it. Gather round the Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. F plus, protect yourself.

That sound I hear in the distance, it's the atheists. No. Look out, everybody. The atheists are here. They've come to ruin our document. They're hauling up on their minibikes. I think they're going to deliver an interlude. Atheists.

Yeah, this document has an interlude called Interlude Atheists. Document fucking rules. It's fun. Take the first one, please. Okay, this poem is entitled, What Do You Think of the Poem I Wrote for God? I've seen a lot of unblown minds out there. I'm going to have to fix that. Holy shit, what a heel.

Did Eddie Murphy write this? I like to bust this one out at open mic sometimes just to shake things up a little bit. Yes. So, is God in your bum? sometimes just to shake things up a little bit. So, uh, is God in your bum? Is God in your bum? Is he in poo?

Is he in your urine too? Is God in wasps? Is he in disease? Is he in the malaria contained by fleas? Uh, but you know, close enough, I suppose. Is this a poem by Rick from The Young Ones? Hold that malaria thought, because the factual errors are about to get a lot more offensive.

I ate a beer in my mouth, you bastard. Well, I've got more for you to ponder. Is God in apples? Is God in pears? Was he in Hitler's carbon monoxide air? What? And is it seriously that hard to think of something that rhymes with

Zyklon B? Wait, do you believe he's everywhere? Is God in bombs? Is he in guns? Is he in members of the Taliban? Bun? Is God in the free world? Is he in every nation?

Or is he just in your imagination? Yeah! In your imagination. These atheists are bringing it. Hey, my... Hey, hey, hey, fellow atheists. My poem is called Destroy All. Do you like my song and poem?

I call it Destroy All. I'm posting this shit to Yahoo Answers. Fuck y'all. Hell yeah, hit me. I don't need your forgiveness. I don't need your parental love. I don't need your parental love. I don't need your prayers. I don't need your religion.

Die, mother, father, mother, father. Die, die, brother, sister, brother, sister. Die. The, the, mother, father. The. The mother father. The. Can you do... It's German. Can you do the rest of this in a Glenn Danzig voice?

Oh, fuck yeah, I can. I don't need your education. I don't need your money. I don't need your love or heaven. I don't need your money. I don't need your love or heaven. I don't need friends. Die, teacher, the students, preacher. Die, die, priest, God's keys. Die, die, God, oh Lord, die.

This was by the Antichrist. Do you like it? Read it. Wow. Can you uh can you now uh stare pensively at a wolf please you want to watch me flex for a while yeah guys it's a it's a real all stars of evil all stars of evil coming out for this poetry thing roy moore antichrist Christ. Aaron. The very last one that we're going to skip past,

but it is in the atheist section. It's called Dark Angle. It looked like a very trench Cody poem. So just the first couplet says Dark Angel. I'm the dark angle i'm lost in the dark this is where the soul of eva lives in me and angel is losted but not yet found

that's beautiful boots it really just hits you right there. I want to fly is the darkness where lost in soul beg me to save them. But I'm here to stay. You know how people snap at the end of poems while all the hands go up? They all have fingerless gloves on and they're just... I feel like this is an excerpt from My Immortal. So, Jack Chick. Hi. We're leaving the atheist section now

We're going into the all about Jesus section Good, thank you So the all about Jesus section This poem is called Christian Poem for My Daughter To Bring to Sunday School? Question mark Yeah So hey

Yeah, hey So as many people Here know I like number two right poems and song number four Jesus. I know that. This I helped my daughter with number four Sunday school. We're pretty proud of it. Christians, what do you think? Jesus is the number one true God. Muslims worship dirt.

Well, I'm going to stop you right there. Worship? It's Worship. What? You need to fact check that? It's probably true. It clearly says Worship. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. My apologies. You can't interpret the work, Jack Chick. You just have to read it. Muslims worship dirt. It's really hard when there's so much spirituality flowing through the poem. Jews killed and rejected him, and now Jesus feels hurt. Great.

You know what? Jesus can nut up. Sorry, Jesus. Is that how that worked? Great You know what Jesus can nut up Sorry Jesus Is that how that worked Buddhists serve a nature god Who rules over the east Hindus also serve this god But it's really the beast

Wait so Hindus worship Buddha Yeah yeah yeah Of course but really it's the beast Hindus worship Buddha And that is the only god in the pantheon Beast mode Buddha Yeah, that's correct. Of course. But really, it's the beast. Hindus worship Buddha, and that is the only god in the pantheon. Beast mode Buddha. They have a lot of gods, and they're all Buddha. There's 108 Buddhas.

Hare Buddha. Hare Buddha. Buddha, Buddha. I'm Buddha. Buddha, Buddha. Catholics. Letter R. The sinners who will bring the Antichrist. Mormons. Letter R.

Their servants and they'll pay a fiery price. There are lots. Letter R. Lots of other false false face that will get ooh sent number two burn but we don't need number two talk number two them because now it's her turn number two number to say that the catholics are the name of my Riot Grrrl band. Ooh, yes. I am great. That is, yes. That's pretty good. I was busy wondering how many licks it took to get to the center of a cat-o-pot.

Number two, get on me and pray number two God who gave his only son. Oh Jesus won't ooh rapture me. Number two heaven where it's fun. Oh, Jesus, won't you rapture me, number two heaven, where it's fun? Oh, God. Wow, and you sent this to school with your daughter, huh?

Dad, I got bad news. You failed. It's Sunday school, and they don't say what kind of church it is. It might be in, like, I don't know, a tent or an RV. An old shell station, yeah. Yeah. An old shell station, yeah. Yeah, an old shell station, yeah. This sick, sad world

is dying fast and things aren't looking too nice, or looking nice, or false religions cannot save you, only Jesus Christ! But he looks like me. Sick, Sad World was the name of the show that Daria used to watch.

Yes, it was. Coming up next on Six Sad World. I see nothing in this poem that doesn't indicate that the author was a Daria fan. Jews killed and rejected Jesus and stood on his neck. It's a little Daria joke. Adam, we only have one more in the Jesus section. What is that poem called? It's called Jesus.

It's from Rat Pad. Oh, my God, it's from Rat Pad. From Rat Pad. Yes. I love you, Rat Pad. God decides best. Three, four. Ditch the pronouns.

Say his name. Jesus, Jesus, deserving of fame fame he's the one he's cleaned my lounge oh he's he's the one i live for him clean me up my heart is his no excuses he's always there he's there or square had an affair and he's still there and i what i declare he made this earth he made this air so no dejection you don't gloom sing them hymns smell his perfume let me see you bloom this ain't no cartoon this ain ain't no TV. No fantasy. But it's the truth. Reaching all my youth.

My sisters and brothers. And don't tell me I'm too young for this. Because he does exist. And I insist. And you believe in this. And trust me. And you got to be special. Just get be.

You ain't got to be special. Just get on my level. Away from that devil. Your body is a vessel. Nice. What? Why is this hard? No way. Just let's be rebels. No need to settle. Jesus ain't confidential.

He is essential. And you got potential. Just be differential let's just assemble an army for God and that is my squad and we the underdogs you cannot block us

you cannot stop us you cannot knock us crucified and beaten and he was acquitted and that was the son treated like scum yet he really what yet there he was acquitted and that was the son treated like scum yet here we what yet there he was still hung that's

where it all begun I'm done the mode is the squid on and I just realized this wants to be a Busta Rhymes song really bad if you do a real fast like you ain't gotta be special just get on by the level away from that devil your body's a vessel, just blow up your apples and...

Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Woo-ha! Hey, Jack Chick. Hey! What's the next section called? What's the next section called? I don't know. My screen has gone black and...

Oh, interesting. I don't have enough booze in the house for this. Oh, no. Well, I don't know. My screen has gone black and, uh... Oh, interesting. I don't have enough booze in the house for this. Oh, no. Well, I'm scrolling to page, uh, let's see, 24 in the document, and I see that this headline is called Two Night Before Christmases. Nice. God. That's right, motherfucker. Two of them.

Damn it. The first one's at least not in all caps. All right, hang on. Let me shoot this back. got it yeah yeah peacey christmas poem um uh this this was posted uh this was uh i don't know where sin bucket or sorry is it sin bucket sin yeah sin bucket i don't know where Sinbucket got all of these, but this specific poem is posted on Walmart's Facebook page. Some randos post on Walmart's Facebook page. The home of fine poetry. Walmart's wall. It's like commented on an article about cat litter 50% off, and this was like the top voted comment.

Thought y'all liked it. Y'all appreciate this. The comment on the doc is actually really great. It says, this is posted all over the internet, and I can't seem to figure out where the original author or source is. So might as well read it off of Rando's post on Walmart's Facebook page. Agreed. Twas the night before Christmas when all through our land,

not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand. Why the PC police had taken away the reason for Christmas dash. No one could say the children were told by their schools, not to sing about shepherds and wise men and angels and things. It might hurt people's feelings. The teachers would say December 25th is just a holiday. Yet the shoppers were ready with cash checks and credit, pushing folks down to the floor just to get it.

CDs from Madonna and Xbox and iPod. Something was changing. Something quite odd. Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa in hopes to sell books by Frank N. and Fonda as targets were hanging their trees upside down. At Lowe's the word Christmas was nowhere to be

found. At Kmart and Staples and Penny's and Sears you won't Hey, wait, what are those? I've heard of Staples. Well, son, in the old days they used to have what's called big box shopping stores. When's the last time Jane Fonda wrote a book? I thought it said Franzen instead of Franken.

Oh, wow. They're really... Fuck Christmas, we're here to sell John Franzen novel. I originally thought it was Farrakhan, and it was about to get really racist, so I was actually really gratified. And now you see Sears is the store that only carries tap-out merchandise. Oh, oh. At Kmart and Staples and Penny's and Sears you won't hear the word Christmas it won't touch your ears

inclusive sensitive diversity are words that were used to intimidate me like break up diversity because it scared him some I don't know how to pronounce diversity hey motherfucker hey motherfucker you should be

inclusive bitch diversity listen Hey, motherfucker. Hey, motherfucker. You should be inclusive, bitch. Di-ver-ci-ty. Listen up. Oh, yeah. I got one word for you, Hogan. Diversity. Ooh, happy holidays. Ooh, yeah.

Now Daschle, now Darden, now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen, on Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton. That's a strange enemies list. Okay, so... This tastes like the 90s. Well, this poem just dated itself because it's talking about John Kerry and Bill Clinton. Oh my god, Tom Daschle.

Alright. At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter to eliminate Jesus in all public matter. And we spoke not a word as they took away our faith. Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace. The true gift of

Christmas was exchanged and discarded. The reason for the season stopped before it started. So as you celebrate winter break under your dream tree, sipping your Starbucks, listen to me. Choose your words carefully. Choose what you say. Shout Merry Christmas, not Happy Holiday. Please all Christians join together and wish everyone you meet.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry Hey look this author loves Christmas and respects Christmas I did that wrong I'm gonna do it again here Please all Christians

join together and wish everyone you meet Merry Christmas. Christ is the reason for the Christmas season. The Christmas season. Christmas. Christmas season. Man, it's too bad clap emojis didn't exist back then. Man, it's too bad clap emojis didn't exist back then. You just strangled the shit out of those syllables.

It's like watching somebody speak in Justify. Oh man, this syllable's got to last me three seconds. Oh, man. Okay, one more, Jack. Check this one's in all caps. Yeah, so this one's in all caps, and it isn't split by lines, so good. You're really good at these now, so it's fine. And this one is titled So the last one was titled PC Christmas Poem. What's the title of this one?

Christmas Poem. Uh-oh, we've dropped the PC. Yeah, we got rid of the personal computer. Now we're on a mainframe. This is from socialismisnottheanswer.wordpress.com. Great. Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone in a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney with presents to give and to see just who in this home did live. I looked all about a strange sight I did see. No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree. No stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand. On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands, with medals and badges, awards of all kind. A sober thought came through my mind.

For this house was different. A Santa makes a visit to Marine Todd's house. Is Santa the troops? Yeah, Santa visits the troops. For this house was different. It was dark and dreary. I found the home of a soldier Once I could see clearly

It's like the scansion is stuck in traffic And it's like It's like it moves a little bit Then it stops again It's like it's caught in the zoom Sort of thing where it's just kind of stuck For a second and then hits you all at once. Hey, Poetry, we've got a little bit of lag on this end.

Oh, this poem was a Zack Snyder film of poetry. Speeds up and slows down. Speeds up and slows down. The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone, curled up on the floor in his one bedroom home the face was so gentle the room in such disorder not how i pictured a united states soldier was this the hero of whom i just read curled up on a poncho the floor for a bed i realized the families that i saw this night owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight soon round the world the children would play and grown-ups

would celebrate a bright christmas day they all enjoyed freedom each month of the year because of the soldiers like the one lying here this is glurge i fucking hate it this is great this is glurge I fucking hate it this is great this is really good I mean I said he got up and he punched a professor I told you God

exists Eagle Eagle stars and stripes I don't know I feel like my service is being very thanked right now so you all can just sit there and enjoy this poem. It's fine. I'm so depressed to find out how you live.

I was going to say, it's like, why is he feeling sorry for this guy? He's not that bad. He's got a poncho. What's wrong? Isn't this poem originally titled A Visit from St. Troop Respecter? That's what Nicholas is Greek for right Trooper Specter because of the soldiers like the one lying here

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone oh sorry I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home. The very thought brought a tear to my eye. I dropped to my knees and started to cry. The soldier awakened, and I heard a rough voice. Santa, don't cry.

This life is my choice. Santa, don't cry. This life is my choice. I fight for freedom. I ask for more. My life is my god, my country, my choice. I fight for freedom. I ask for more. My life is my god, my country, my car. Is he a marine or a soldier?

I don't understand. The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep. I couldn't control it. I continued to weep. I wept for hours, so silent and still, and we both shivered from the cold night's chill. Santa, you got work to do. Yeah, thanks, Santa. Snap out of it.

This is your one day a year that you work. Give him an Xbox and get the fuck out of here. Guys, this was the last person for the night. Have some respect, please. Santa always saves hours of spooning and crying.

Well, let's see who's the most corporal sad soldier. Okay, here we go. Speaking of respect, I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night this guardian of honor so willing to fight. I also should mention that this guy was white. So I undid my belt and lowered my pants. When the soldier rolled over with a voice soft and pure, whispered, carry on, Santa. Wait, what?

Wait, what? He rolled over with a voice soft and pure. Soft and pure. Oh, my. The soft and pure voice of a soldier. Then the soldier rolled over with a voice soft and pure, whispered, carry on, Santa. It's Christmas Day. All is secure. God damn it. All right. Whispered, carry on, Santa. It's Christmas Day. All is secure. I'm sorry.

God damn it. All right. Whispered, carry on, Santa. It's Christmas Day. All is secure. One look at my watch, and I knew he was right. Merry Christmas, my friend, and to all a good night. This poem was written by a Marine.

The following is his request. I think it is reasonable, ellipsis, ellipsis. I'm gonna call bullshit on the written by a Marine part. He forgot! He forgot what branch of service he was in. Like most soldiers do. A Marine would never call a Marine a soldier.

Serious question, everyone. Everyone? Do you like my rap about jesus you haven't heard it yet but can i hear it can i hear it first yeah well first the first the backstory my son have to write a poem or rap for school on his favorite hero so i wrote this rapping for him well you just said your son has to write the poem. Okay. Who performs the rapping?

This is posted to Yahoo Answers by Rob Ham, praises Lord. It's me, Rob Ham. About to go all in. That's Jesus. Here we go. DJ Rob Ham. Yep. Jesus is

Lord. He works real hard. He rolled with the Jews and he stomped the yard. Put the stank on it. When Satan attacks, we got his back. We'll hang Satan on a coat rack. Oops.

Yeah, like Kevin in Home Alone. Oops. Sasha Blop. Oop. Oop. Shiky. Shiky. Shiky. Oops. Yeah, like Kevin in Home Alone. Oops. Sasha blop. Oop. Oop. Shicky, shicky, shicky. Wiki. I don't know if that's how it's pronounced. I'm going to have to go to the shicky, shicky wiki to verify. He died for

our sins. He'll let you in to heaven if you believe it was him. In blood we're clean. I know what you mean. Those other religions are mad obscene. Yeah, boy. Shazaboop, wizawazoo, oop, oop, eek, shlazinger. Uh-oh.

He is God to the max. He was friendly to the max. Wait. He is God to the max, he was friendly to cats. Wait. He is God to the max. That's scripture. He was friendly to cats. He hates Obama because he likes to tax. He blesses my toys.

Rob Hamm is the best. He blesses my toys. He brings much joy. He knows that marriage is between a girl and a boy. Liz Bather, squeak, squeak, whistle, oof, bazoo. The silly words are so for his box beating. Oh, God. Was this written by Ken M.?

I think so. I'm about to get freaky with the box beat, y'all. Good news, children. We're all going to the box beating factory. Shazza bop. Wizzle, wizzle. Shazzing. This fits more in the chord song that you did earlier.

I'm just imagining the kid reading a line and then smashing a fucking cardboard box with a ruler for a while. So this is something my dad wrote. This means a lot to my dad. What is a Lizbather? So Bob Ham praises Lord. Just very quickly asked another question to uh to yahoo answers which is why are buddhists so arrogant

that's it also oh he also asked my penis curves downward? He's got a lot of questions. Uh-oh. The next poem, sorry, this is the next section down. It's called Songs, Raps, and, in scare quotes, Chants. This one's called Easter March.

If you could take this one, please. I've got you all going at the double time. This is an American military- style march. I already need to sit down. We got somebody falling out already. Okay. So left, left, left, right or left.

Left, left, keep it in step. Let me tell you what Easter means. Let me tell you what Easter means. Let me tell you what Easter means. It's more than bunnies and chocolate beans. It's more than bunnies and chocolate beans.

God's son was born and lived on Earth. God's son was born and lived on Earth. There's only one person running now. Boots out. There's only one left. Guys. Everybody else is quote unquote one person running now. Boots out of his own way. Guys, hello? Everybody else is quote-unquote tying their

shoes. Special child. We're in the back on our second cigarette already. I'm a conscientious objector. Guys, this militia doesn't work unless... Special child, miracle birth.... Special child miracle birth. Special child miracle birth.

Thanks for hanging with me, Bozarth. Healed and taught and lived God's way. Yeah, you know, you got it. Okay. He was killed on Good Friday. Not scared. Bloodshed. Dead, dead. Not scared. Bloodshed. Dead, dead.

Not scared. Bloodshed. Dead, dead. Placed into a tomb he lay. Jesus rose up on Easter day. Alive he lives, he's conquered sin. Calls us all to follow him the offer is here for me and you to put your faith in jesus to

die for me. Set free. Whoopee. That's with whoopee. Whoopee. How well do you think whoopee would go over in a march? Die for me. Set free. Whoopee.

Nothing says that discipline and strength. Sometimes you just got a belt out of whoopee although if we are we are going by the lyrics the echoes stop halfway through the uh the the cadence yeah so yeah you've lost your entire platoon yeah by that point they're all like this poetry sucks i was literally in for everything else your entire platoon. By that point, they're all like, this poetry sucks. I was literally in for everything else. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I think. Okay. So, so, Bozarth. Bozarth. I'd love to hear a Christian metal song. Can I hear a Christian metal song, please? Another Christian metal song. I I hear a Christian metal song, please? Another Christian metal song? I wrote lyrics. Do they sound good?

After you all hated on Striper? Well, well, look who comes crawling back. I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion, he broke all my bones. Day and night, you made an end of me. Sing a happy tune, be the king we knew. We just want a world with you. Cause I cried like a swift oar thrush. I moaned like a mourning dove. My eyes grew weak and I looked to the heavens.

Day and night, you made an end of me. Sing a happy tune. Be the friend we knew. I don't want to see a world without you. You promised me Christian metal and you brought me semi-sonic. I was going to say that. Lord, by such. This is like the free design or something.

This is metal. This is acapella 60s hippie music. All right, anyways. Lord, by such things men live. And my spirit finds life in them too. You restore me to health and let me live i gave my life to you sing a happy tune because i am sick and tired of being sick and tired sing me a happy tune i mean i think we had joy we had fun i think i've heard lyrics... We had joy, we had fun, we had Jesus in the sun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a little bit. But I mean, I'm going with Sarah McLachlan over that shit, I'll tell you that. Lyman, I got a question for you. What's that? Do you know any good raps about Jesus? Do I know any good raps about Jesus? I don't personally know any good raps about jesus i don't personally know any good

raps about jesus jw freeman knows a good rap about jesus though i do i know quite a few it's pretty much all i ever write raps about yeah yeah you know any good raps about jesus i do uh here we go jesus is the son he gets everything you haven't done. He got that good swagger. Pretty long hair, skin so soft. He's magic and beautiful, shining so bright. It will blind you looking in the light. Oh my God, he's psychopathic. Jesus. Jesus.

How wonderful he is. He turns blood into wine. Feed the needy, don't be greedy. Just call him, he'll be there. Call him. Sources, just rap what came to my mind. This guy's thirsty for Jesus. Jesus.

Jesus reply guy. He's pretty long and his hair skin is so soft and it's magic and his beautiful shine is so bright. Jesus thirst trap. Boots, you had a question you wanted to ask the group, is that right? Yeah, do you like this Christian rock song that I wrote? Probably. Almost definitely.

Yeah, it sounds like this. Jesus, you are so rad! You are my invisible dad! Jesus, you are so rad. You are my invisible dad. I talk to you at school. Even though the kids don't think I'm cool. What?

Shut up. You think I'm pretty. Even though I have zits. You know I'm cooler than though I have zits? You know I'm cooler than those aether tits. Oh, ouch. Wow. Don't ever invite the guitar guy to the party, everybody. Pornhub search aether tits?

What did we learn from it? What? What is your question? How dare you? What did we learn? AF Plus, what did we learn from this episode? We meant to learn something. I hope we did.

How to write better poetry. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to come down too hard on these folks, but they're lacking some creativity and understanding of how poems work. But I guess that's not really anything new with poetry episodes. I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but Christmas is under attack. Really? Who can save it? Judge Roy Moore.

But what happens if Christmas is under attack in a mall? That's why Santa's there. It's up to the first responders at the checkout line to see yours. I learned it's great that it's always good to add GIFs into your F plus document. Yeah. Hey, if you want lemons attention, yeah.

Open your duck with a page of GIFs. But you need a bunch of them. You need a bunch of them. There are quality. Like if you go to T H E F P L dot U S look at those gifts. Those are good quality gifts. I like every one of them. I,

I, Those are good quality gifts. I like every one of them. I would say that I don't think I've been exposed to a new viewpoint, but I was kind of reminded of how many varieties of viewpoints belong in this particular, you know, genre. There's a lot of different people that, you know, the message is important, and so the medium is completely irrelevant. I just need to say some dumb bullshit about Christ, and I don't care what medium I shove those words into. I actually, seriously, what I have learned is that Christian rock is not acceptable. It's the devil's foul music, the kind that fills my soul, and it's just not doing it. Christian rock is kind of stuck in the middle. It's too lame compared to regular rock, and you've got Christians hating on it anyway.

It's a valid point, though, when you think about it, because those Christian rock guys always turn out like scott stapp you know you know it's gonna happen hey hey oh my god hey there has never been a scandal with the yellow and black attack and there never will be striper forever bitches the f plus number one striper fan i mean i mean I probably am for real. Well, yeah, for sure. My process of elimination. You remembered the yellow and black attack, so yeah, I think you win. Their outfits were amazing. I think I might have mentioned this at some point in another F Plus episode. Maybe. I don't know. But the thing that, it still haunts me.

It happened, I heard it when I was a teenager, and it still makes me laugh this many years after, is there was a band, they were a sort of death metal, they were a Christian death metal band, and they were called Unashamed, and they had a chorus for their song. They were on Tooth and Nail, and they had a chorus for their song. They were on Tooth and Nail, and they had a chorus for the song, which was, I'm trying to show you what God's love is all about.

Nice. Nice. That is so funny to me. That was on the compilation right after MXPX has moved to Bremerton. So funny to me. I learned that God is in bums and poo and wasps and apples and pears. Well, I hope those atheists didn't convert you with their fun interlude. Yeah, I don't know.

We're a podcast. We like to have fun. Thank you, friends. Have fun on our forum. Yeah, have fun on our forum. It's ball pit. Pay $10 and then have fun. Yeah.

Bye. Later. Bye. Bye. To hell with the devil. To hell with the devil. And now it's your turn to remix the F+. On the page for this episode, which is thefpl.us slash episode slash 322, you will find some show notes and six separate tracks of audio,

all of which you can use to remix anything you hear into something that might be interesting. For example of this, you can look at F Plus Sings, which is episode 151, that's thefbl.us slash episode slash 151, or the F Plus Raps, which is episode 224. And there, in the SoundCloud links, you can hear dozens of absolutely phenomenal remixes, as well as some truly awful ones, but it is really delightful through and through. And so let's get some more. You can send me your remixes either via ball pit or email. And to the people that make the remixes I like the best,

I'll send something. I'll say, okay, let's see. What do we got? Oh, oh, I got it.

I got it. I got it. Okay. I will personally make a tribute website for your song. So whatever band you say your song is from, I will create a Geocities-style shrine to your fictional band and the song you just made. I'll use modern CSS and JavaScript, but it'll still look all 90s, like ugly colors, fucking animated GIFs.

It'll look ridiculous, but it'll be a shrine to your fictional band. Because, like, let's make dumb shit together. That's the point of this whole fucking thing, right? Okay, bye.