The F Plus - 331: Everything But The Sex Stories

Starting point is 00:00:26 do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do that entirely i didn't i didn't i didn't mean to give you musical blue balls buddy bread yeah it hurts it hurts did you know yeah it's a that's a real condition oh hello sit down it's the f plus podcast and we have terrible things Oh, hello. Sit down. It's the F Plus Podcast and we have terrible things read with enthusiasm. But in the room we have Booth Ringgear. Nightwing, Robin, and Batgirl charge into the warehouse to fight a silent and contemplated Batman. Oh, you are cut off already. We've also got bunny bread. A man has a cock and a woman has a pussy. This is just a simple fact of nature.

Starting point is 00:01:08 Episode 142 of Sesame Street. Jimmy Franks! What's the Russian word for VD? Rot your cock off! Come quads up! My anus is a crumpet. Come taste ye of its musk. Why does he read the internet?

Starting point is 00:01:26 He reads the internet for you, and his name is Lou Fernandez. Summary. The day after, son fucks mom and her friend. Note one, this is the sequel to the story, What Mom Doesn't Know Will Fuck Her. Although this story can stand on its own, I highly recommend you read part one before reading this one. And Lemon. On a bus bus the female could move her

Starting point is 00:01:47 legs in a certain way that she can obtain orgasm a man would have to rub his cock and trust me yeah yeah yeah yeah i can't do unrealistic expectations i'm sorry i'm not a multitasker I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

Starting point is 00:02:07 I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

Starting point is 00:02:14 I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry It's so good. Cause I will be a freak until the day, until the dawn. And we can go all through the night to the early morn. You'll be gone.

Starting point is 00:02:32 Hey, F Plus. What the fuck, man? Oh, hello. Hello. Hey, I, uh, Bunny Bird, are you okay? No, damn it. What the hell

Starting point is 00:02:40 are you talking to me for? Would you, hey, could you do me a favor? Do me a favor before we go. Could you put down that crack pipe? No! Goddammit, it's part of a process. Now shut up.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Got you ten years of good material. Fuck you. He needs that for emotional support. It's the same crack pipe I want to make a note of. You need it for the process of smoking crack. I'm a man who believes in good luck. It's a well-seasoned crack pipe. Oh yeah, I don't even put crack in it anymore. I just soak man who believes in good luck. It's a well-seasoned crack pipe. Oh yeah,

Starting point is 00:03:07 I don't even put crack in it anymore. I just like soak up the oils from before. He's got a card from his doctor that justifies it. And no masks. All crack pipe, no masks. I have a card that says I don't have to wear a mask and I get to smoke crack. Not get to,

Starting point is 00:03:23 need to. The crack pipe itself has a tiny little mask. Oh, look at you and your filters, you bitch. Anyway, unrelated to that, are y'all feeling horny? Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure. This may just be the crack talking, but. So, hey, some gentleman of the F Plus podcast,

Starting point is 00:03:43 would you like to go to the sex stories post? Yeah. All right. Well, I've got a... I love stories. I love sex stories. I want to hear some sexy, sexy stories. So, wait, wait, wait. Let me dial in on that, Boots, because you said you love stories.

Starting point is 00:04:00 You love sex. You love sex stories. So, you want to go to sexstories.com. Is that accurate? Yeah. Why else would I go there? Fantastic. So what we're all going to do together as a podcast is that we're all going to go to sexstories.com,

Starting point is 00:04:15 and we're going to read everything but the sex stories from sexstories.com. So we're done with the episode? No, no, no, no. There's a bunch of things that are on sexstories.com that do not qualify as sex stories. What would be on sexstories.com that are not sex stories? Well, that's, I would say, I've got about an hour and change of content to answer the question. Oh, man. I want you to describe it all before we do it.

Starting point is 00:04:41 All right. Yeah, yeah, tell me. I want to know. This is episode 291A or whatever. Sounds right. Oh, we're doing the director's commentary. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:56 By the way, by the way, just as an offset, you know, back when DVDs were a thing, my favorite director's commentary ever was the director commentary for Killer Clowns from Outer Space. Because the people who made the movie Killer Clowns from Outer Space took it very seriously. Why did, too? And they just wanted to spend that hour and a half describing their art. their art. Anyway, so we're going to go into sexstories.com, and we're going to start off in the

Starting point is 00:05:27 non-erotic category. Wait, what? It's called foreplay. Try it. Oh, okay. Jimmy Franks, you're going to have to talk me through this. So, Jimmy Franks, this is

Starting point is 00:05:44 a non-erotic sex story on sexstories.com called Monster High Introduction. It's by King of All Monsters. Okay. And the author's gender is male, age is non-applicable, and location is non-applicable. And this story has no line breaks whatsoever. Yeah. Great. Perfect.

Starting point is 00:06:02 They know why it's so sexy. Yes. I'd like to introduce my story. This is my first story and I will continue. Just wanted to put this out there so I can get some feedback on how I should continue. Well, definitely don't spell check.

Starting point is 00:06:18 Monster High, Part 1. My name is Kingsley and I wish I could say that I was an average guy about to start his first day at normal high school. The sad reality is that I don't like the correct word for what I am in English. As a monster, I know because of movies like Twilight and shows like Teen Wolf, you will immediately think that I am a werewolf or a vampire, but I'm not even something remotely as cool. Oh.

Starting point is 00:06:40 All right. My dad is just as cool as he is bones and takes people to hell when they die. If you haven't already figured it out on the Grim Reaper's son. I figured that out. My dad is cool. He is just bones. It's one of those shirts that you get at the truck stop. My dad's cool.

Starting point is 00:06:58 He's just bones. Takes people to hell when they die. I'm the proud son of the Grim Reaper. No, I'm not all bones. there's some meat on these bones i happen to be black because my dad has a thing for black girls this i don't really understand but hey whatever floats your boat this is canon about the black the grim reaper he's got a thing for black people no No, it's just true. Apologizing for that? I'm not sure. Sorry, not sorry. All Grim Reapers get to choose their appearance when the last

Starting point is 00:07:32 one dies and they become the new one. That is where the legend of Hades comes from. They all get to choose. They just all choose the same hook. The Grim Reaper operates in the same rule as the Santa Claus. And also the Dread Pirate Roberts. I mean, Tim Holland starred in all of those, didn't he?

Starting point is 00:07:51 You want a black robe, off black robe, dark gray robe. Charcoal robe. What you got? You got to choose any of those. The Tim Burton reboot of the Santa Claus. That is where the legend of Hades comes from. He got tired of the bones thing and chose to become the god of the Santa Claus. That is where the legend of Hades comes from. He got tired of the bones thing and chose to become the god of the underworld.

Starting point is 00:08:08 And I personally think that is great. Okay. I mean, who wants to be all bones, have immense power, and then be nobody? Not me! Simply because I am already nobody. I have no powers until the day my father dies, which is really stupid.

Starting point is 00:08:24 He thinks the world revolves around him and he can do whatever he wants. Tells me on a daily basis I'll never get my powers because he'll never die. He'll die eventually, and you think that he wouldn't have time to ridicule me because he has Grim Reaper duties that he has to attend to, but no.

Starting point is 00:08:42 He is the Grim Reaper, has the ability to create minions to do his work for him. When I become the Grim Reaper, has the ability to create minions to do his work for him. When I become the Grim Reaper, the first thing I, yeah, it's like he's bummed out because the Grim Reaper won't go out in the backyard and play baseball with him. I like the idea that the Grim Reaper became the Grim Reaper because the previous Grim Reaper died, insists that he will never die. Yeah. Yeah. When I become the Grim Reaper. I have natural causes.

Starting point is 00:09:07 I think this other Grim Reaper was a dick, and then he owed money to the mob. I'm a driver. I'm a winner. Yeah. When I become the Grim Reaper, the first thing I would do is change my name to something cooler and shorter, like just Reaper. I mean, why does he have to be Grim? Shorter and shorter.

Starting point is 00:09:22 Well, yeah, okay. I mean, okay, good point. Good point? Shorter. Well, yeah, okay. I mean, okay, good point, good point, good point. Yeah, it's me. I'm Graham Ripper. My school is called Monster High, and from what I have heard of this place, it is possibly the worst school on the planet and probably is. This is from a cartoon, isn't it? Yeah, and I've seen a little bit of this cartoon.

Starting point is 00:09:41 The faculty looks really nice. It's multi-story. I think I've seen a little bit of this cartoon. The faculty looks really nice. It's multi-story. I think I've seen chandeliers in this school. The whole social system is based on strength. The teaching system might as well be non-existent since no one cares. The teachers always give special treatment to those whose parents are leaders in the world, like the zombie king's son, the pharaoh kids, the werewolf alphas, and the future vampire coven leaders.

Starting point is 00:10:08 Oh, all that nepotism, and all I am is the grim reaper's child. Yeah, that's, yeah. How'd you get into the school, bitch? Guys like me with no power, average looks, and one friend, or the kids that get slaughtered by the gangs and other criminal organizations, because the only way to get into these gangs is to kill one random monster, and seeing as I have no power, I'm pretty sure I'm on top of everyone's list.

Starting point is 00:10:28 The criminal organizations are the human ones. I mean, who really thought that humans are strong enough to control entire cities with an iron fist? Me, me, me. And also like 6,000 years of history? To describe myself, I'm only 5'5 as a freshman and yes, that is short for black kid. The worst part is that I have always been short before 8th grade.

Starting point is 00:10:46 I was 4'10". What? They're naturally tall. That's one thing that we know. Yeah, that's what we know about the blacks. One of the shortest kids in my class had a Napoleon complex. Didn't help because I had no powers. I just grew this summer, and I'm sure it's not going to help because all the kids who

Starting point is 00:11:01 are tall already will have gotten taller. My best friend's name's Kevin, and he happens to be a werewolf. Now, I know what you're thinking. If he's a werewolf, why isn't he popular and have tons of friends because aren't all werewolves strong? To answer that question, yes and no. Yes, all werewolves are strong and no, he is not popular simply because he and his family are omegas. They don't have a pack, which in turn makes them weaker. Kevin is Peruvian and he loves to let people know about his heritage. That's why no one likes him. Kevin is Peruvian, and he loves to let people know about his heritage. That's why no one likes him, because he's Peruvian. Yeah, no, I mean, God, I already hate him.

Starting point is 00:11:31 He's about the same height as me and has a natural tan like the guys from Jersey Shore's fake ones. He doesn't talk much and tends to be used by girls. Kevin and I are best friends because we look out for one another. If one of us gets in a fight, both of us get in a fight like we're brothers. Kevin has one other friend, and that's Paris the Succubus, even though I always tell her that I hate her guts. I'm secretly in love with her.

Starting point is 00:11:49 She sticks to Kevin like a glove because she's in love with him, and even though he is my best friend, I will never know why she loves him. Yeesh. She sticks to him literally like a glove. He's also an incel. Like a glove to a glove.

Starting point is 00:12:04 No, for a black kid, it's a blintzel. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. Goddamn. Goddamn. It's also delicious cream-filled dessert. Yeah. You can get them in New Orleans.

Starting point is 00:12:21 I'm a blintzel. I'm a blintzel. Kevin stays away from her because she knows how I feel. It would never break the best friend code. Paris is five foot three and is beautiful. She has light brown curly hair down to her ass, which is a perfectly round apple bottom. And she has 38 D's.

Starting point is 00:12:38 I know I had Kevin ask her. That's some apple tits too. I had Kevin ask her and she will, she will tell us every, and she will tell Kevin anything. She is hilarious. She thinks of things to do that no one would think of. I won't give you examples. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Use your imagination. She just does, all right? Whatever you can't think of, she is thinking of it. Well, I was trying to write them, but I couldn't think of them. I can't think of them either. She thinks that Kevin is her one true mate, which is what every succubus is trying to find, and the only way to know is by letting her kiss you. The good part is that she kisses you.

Starting point is 00:13:10 The bad part is that if you're not her one true love, you'll be her slave until she dies, unless she releases you. I don't think that's how succubuses work. No, it is. It is. When they got big tits, it is. Doesn't she visit you in your sleep and dream rape you?

Starting point is 00:13:28 Yeah, but only if she doesn't love you. If she loves you, then it's great. Well, we'll find that doctor from Florida. She can tell us all about it. I'm not willing to risk it, so I'm going to just bide my time and hope that one day she'll feel the same way I do. Enough with the introductions, Kevin. Paris and I are about to embark

Starting point is 00:13:49 on what could be our worst nightmare monster time. Wait a minute. Am I as the reader now, Kevin? I think so. He leaves it there because this is King of All Monst monsters only post on

Starting point is 00:14:06 sexstories.com. It's been read 9,081 times and it's got a rating of 78.1%. It's pretty good. Oh no, they became a slave to the succubus and then we're no longer able to write updates to the story. I mean, there were want him to write porn though.

Starting point is 00:14:24 There were erotic descriptions of a butt and breasts. So this belongs here. You got your T, you got your A. What else do you need? I think maybe the succubus wanted to still write the stories, but write them on Literatica. Bunny Brad, what did Anonymous Reader think of the story? Anonymous Reader?

Starting point is 00:14:43 Oh, well, which Anonymous Reader would we like to begin with? I posted it in the chat. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, look at you posting things. Hello! I am Anonymous Reader. Hey! Hey, hello there.

Starting point is 00:14:59 This was in 2013 of 7-Eleven. Hey, grammar pricks. Fuck off! Shit! You probably have worse spelling, so stop fucking hating us different people, or just die! Either one is okay with me.

Starting point is 00:15:18 Good day! That's a silent T. Yeah, that's a silent P. Probably. Probably. Alright, so that P, that's a silent P in Tullibly. Tullibly. All right. So that was one of the posts in the non-erotic category. There's also a DC Universe story.

Starting point is 00:15:35 I forgot to mention right off in the top there, but this is one I've been vying for for a while. This document given to us by Seth Slimy Rollins, who's given us a couple of them. Thank you very much. Anyway, that was the non-erotic category. We are going to be moving on to the essay category. And the first one that we have here is a product review. So come quats up. Oh, yes, hello.

Starting point is 00:15:59 This is a product review. It looks like there's a product out there in the world you can buy right now with the F plus discount code of whatever. But they are called Trojan Fire and Ice Condoms. Now, I was on the website. I didn't realize George R. R. Martin was

Starting point is 00:16:15 branching out that much. Yeah, yeah. You don't have a dig. As it explains to me, the product has two different lubricants. There's an inside one and an outside one, and the inside lubricant is hot, and the outside lubricant is cold. No, that's the Trojan Icy Hot Condom. Oh, great.

Starting point is 00:16:32 Good. Those are great. So that's... What did you think, Kumpquaz? Well, my name is Master Vile. The latest in safe sex leaves. Uh,

Starting point is 00:16:49 leaves. Bye! Maple Unsatisfactory. The latest in safe sex leaves. Author thinking, what the fuck? Last week I was checking items on the shelf in the store I work in. As I walked along the main health and beauty aisle, to my surprise, a new product among the familiar ones.

Starting point is 00:17:18 That product was the new Trojan Fire and Ice Condoms. was the new Trojan Fire and Ice Condoms. Okay. So, my first thought immediately was, of course, what the fuck? There was the image of fire. Warm pee-pee. Hot pee-pee.

Starting point is 00:17:40 Happy pee-pee. And then, there was the image of cold. Freezing pee-pee. Shriveled pee-pee! And then, there was the image of cold. Freezing pee-pee. Shriveled pee-pee. Not happy pee-pee! Does he think condoms are just piss receptacles? I'm sorry, is there something else? Is there something else you use a penis for?

Starting point is 00:18:01 No, no. Okay, never mind, Lemon. Just continue doing as you're doing. This person is referring to their penis as a pee-pee. Yeah, but... Yeah. Well, having been in a committed relationship of nearly nine years and married for five, I have

Starting point is 00:18:18 not really had the occasion to buy any condoms. I find that they slightly hinder the conception process, if you know what I mean. What is with wink wink? They do exactly what they're intended to.

Starting point is 00:18:33 What is with wink wink nudge nudge shit on fucking sexstories.com? I find that prophylactic use somehow does what it says it's going to do. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nudge. In fact, it's been so long since I've used one, for me, the person that says pee pee,

Starting point is 00:18:55 I've almost forgotten what one looks like. Although, since smells linger in the memory longer and better than visual things, I can remember what latex and spermicide smell like together. And when you mix in the sweaty sex, that just brings back memories of the Avondale Drive-In and watching

Starting point is 00:19:18 Hellbound Hellraiser 2 kind of sort of from the backseat of a 76 Mustang. Yeah, what's up, baby? I could not help but pick up the box and read. Back up, 76 Mustang, Hellraiser II. How long is his skullet?

Starting point is 00:19:42 It's as long as my pee-pee. Oh, okay. I think longer. Hey, does that pinhead give you any ideas? Hey, baby. How about you send a bite me? It was

Starting point is 00:19:59 slightly intriguing. The description on the package included things like dual action lubricant and warming and tingling sensations for both partners

Starting point is 00:20:15 and uniquely shaped condom design. Uniquely? Like it fits on your dick? Each one you pull out is different. Yeah. This one's like a hammerhead shark. This one's a

Starting point is 00:20:31 banana. You hope you got a curve. There were also promises that these condoms, which are lubricated on both sides, mind blown. The top and the bottom. on both sides.

Starting point is 00:20:43 Mind blown. The top and the bottom. Provide thrilling sensations of pleather for both partners and it brings more passion and excitement. You got a long review here.

Starting point is 00:21:01 You got a long review. I want to stop because I want to talk about a condom that's lubricated on both sides. Yeah. And the thrilling sensation and excitement of losing a condom inside of your sex partner. That's pretty awesome. We hope everybody has long fingers. Wait. Wait.

Starting point is 00:21:18 This is a real product. Yeah, it sure is. No, it's definitely a real product. It says dual action lubricant inside and out. Delivers warming and tingling. Huh. Yeah. I still can't figure out which isivers warming and tingling. Huh. Yeah. I still can't figure out which is the hot side and which is the cold side.

Starting point is 00:21:29 But anyway, it's a long- It's the McDLT of rubbers. Yeah, it's the McDLT. Maybe it's reversible. You have a long review here, and it's basically you're just sort of like looking at the box and commenting on many, many things. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:42 You can just skip to the part where you uh do a however ellipsis oh boy will i ever have oh yeah however well however the question remains now are those just trojan fire and ice being sold free with a pack of magnums or are they Trojan fire and ice magnums as well? I mean, you know, if not, then there are guys buying these things to try out with their box of magnums

Starting point is 00:22:17 and discovering they do not fit. Yeah. Well, yeah, perhaps this is where the lubricant on the inside of the trojan fire and ice condom comes in useful it probably comes with a shoe horn then again i can imagine are you ready for what i can imagine i can imagine one flying off a stiff 10 incher that's about three inches around as well that's right like a rubber band gun

Starting point is 00:22:53 if it happened after penetration was occurring i wonder if it would move with the speed to strike a g-spot with the force of a snapped rubber band. Dude, dude, I heard if you really want to make a girl cum, that's totally what you do. You put it in and then you fling the condom at her G-spot. She'll love it, dude. Oh my god, she'll be your

Starting point is 00:23:18 slave forever. Additionally, it seems so far that nearly no one is wanting to pay for being shorted two condoms it's fair out of the four boxes that come packed together in shipping we only sold one you only got one big dong fella he works. He works at the condom store? Yeah. Oh, that's right. It's at the beginning. Sorry. The other three boxes were sitting

Starting point is 00:23:51 empty on the office counter the morning after I discovered the existence of such a thing as Trojan fire and ice. The second sleeve disappeared an hour after it was put on the shelf and it seems unlikely that we sold out that quickly now i would have to say that specialty condoms have never been

Starting point is 00:24:15 my thing and say that no and even as time has went on and technology has improved, I am still unlikely to give them a try. If I ever had to start using them again, I know it would be right to the classical Trojan ends in the familiar blue box. I believe specialty condoms are usually marketed at the young and daring who hope to make safe sex feels spectacular and of course there's nothing wrong with that no right no what are you talking about what's i got my uh i got my palm tattoo that says condom life yeah if anyone out there gives them a try either store-bought or five-finger discounted. Let me know what you thought, me, the product reviewer of this product review. On sexstories.com.

Starting point is 00:25:09 All I did was look at it. Yeah. Until then, I will just keep on keeping on with my pee-pee, pee-pee, keeping on. And pretty soon, condoms will again be one of the farthest things from my mind. soon condoms will again be one of the farthest things from my mind i just have to say i am glad that trojan came out with a product other than the female condom which actually make me take a pause and think what the fuck yeah all right right on brother there thought about the female condoms you're also probably like the most divisive thing on this site.

Starting point is 00:25:47 That was my product review. Did you like my, what did you think? Thank you. It was good, man. I don't know what to feel about the product. The pros was a little sloppy, but what I loved about it was how informative it was. You know, like you came from an informed place. I thought it was interesting that it was a review of a product that he didn't try at all.

Starting point is 00:26:08 He looked at it for a while, though. And he reminisced about Hellraiser, so that's something. He did. He humble bragged about having sex during Hellraiser 2. Yeah, because that's something that's normal. Sure. Everyone loves Cenobites. Who don't?

Starting point is 00:26:21 something that's normal. Sure. Everyone loves Cenobites. Who don't? So that was the product review section, but we are now going to move into the educational section. This is Ace Seduction by Ace Hearts. And Lou, if you

Starting point is 00:26:38 would please tell us how to seduce someone you barely know. And then Boots, if you would be the someone that Lou is seducing. Okay. Ace Seduction by Ace of Hearts. Introduction. How to seduce someone you barely know.

Starting point is 00:26:55 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is Ace, the master seducer. But I started out as a complete twat when it came to women. A complete twat. I barely dated more than four girls in high school which is like high v high c school i see well anyway i realized what really turned them on wasn't comedy really someone as good looking as me but someone who was arrogant and funny not a jerk cause he was arrogant. Not a clown cause he's arrogant

Starting point is 00:27:28 and attractive cause he's fun. Now, Chandler in Friends is funny, but he is not exactly arrogant. He is not exactly arrogant, but then look at Neo. Look at Neo in The Matrix or John Travolta in Face Off.

Starting point is 00:27:44 Yeah! They're funny fuckers, yeah. Now that's something, ain't it? Look at Neo in The Matrix or John Travolta in Face Off. Yeah. They're funny fuckers, yeah. Now that's something, ain't it? Okay. Now let's assume you somehow got a date. If you haven't, well, leave some comments indicating what's wrong and maybe I could help. Indicating. Indicating.

Starting point is 00:28:04 Which is spelled like Indica. tin of indica indica tin well where was i oh yeah the table at some expensive restaurant and then bam she asks you a question here's the trick don't get carried away never give her a straight talk let them talk believe me women love to talk and trust me there's just a few guys who really know they should listen oh this is their defense mechanism the women the ask questions to test you oh that's that's what questions are that test you. That tests you. That's what questions are. That tests you to see whether you turn into a pussy and start babbling. Don't lose your cool. Have fun.

Starting point is 00:28:53 Her's an example. All women are testing you every time they are talking to you. You'll see if you magically poof into a pussy. And I think this is not a misspelling. It's hers. Hers an example.

Starting point is 00:29:07 Yeah. She asks you, why the hell you don't give her a straight answer? I really love fooling around and chatting around, but I don't like it if I never get answers to just normal, not indiscreet questions. Not indiscreet. Well, she has the same brain. Not indiscreet. Wow. She has the same brain problem. Indiscreet?

Starting point is 00:29:28 Hmm. Ask whatever questions you want. You'll get to know me as it goes. I already did. And you don't have to list. Oh, whoops. Looks like the writer forgot which parts were which. All right. For some reason, the rest of this is all me.

Starting point is 00:29:47 It's a piece of dialogue. I already did. This guy talks to himself. Eventually, this girl speaks up, I guess. She said some shit. Who cares? Who the fuck doesn't listen? Anyway, listen.

Starting point is 00:29:57 I have a monologue to listen to. And I don't have a list to write that down. I just noticed that last time when you called me on the phone and today too, every time I ask something about your past, I get a slapstick answer. Don't mind it. That's how I talk. I'm playful, but we'll get to know each other as we go along. It's a natural process.

Starting point is 00:30:17 You can't force. It's a good thing. You're not babbling. Okay. You gave in when she started complaining and said, Don't mind me. That's how I talk. Boots, don't interrupt.

Starting point is 00:30:32 There are great courts. I'm sorry, Boots. I'm sorry. Don't mind me. I'm actually kind of a wimp, and that's how I talk. Are you with me here? You don't need to explain yourself or make an excuse for yourself. What I'm trying to say is that you are the problem here, not the woman who complain about you not answering their questions.

Starting point is 00:30:53 Try this instead. I already did, and I don't have a list to write that down. I just noticed that last time when you called me on the phone, and today, too. Every time I ask something about your past, I get a slapstick answer. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is there a new guy? There was a you. Last time that was me, but this time it is her.

Starting point is 00:31:22 Okay. Me. This is well written. Me. I'm glad you like it. Maybe that's why you keep messaging me and thinking about me so much. See the difference here? You must remember that attractive women are being approached all the time in one way or another.

Starting point is 00:31:45 Just about every man they meet tries to pick them up or come on to them. Women can feel this happening. Yeah, so the example of hitting on a girl is that you're already having conversations. Yeah, like you're already having a phone conversation where she seems beleaguered and tired. This is at an expensive restaurant. Are you hitting on your cousin? How's my uncle? Now, if a woman is available, she must figure out a way to separate the men from the boys, so to speak, and figure out if a particular man is going to be worth her time.

Starting point is 00:32:22 Enter the test. particular man is going to be worth her time. Enter the test. Also, if an attractive woman is out on a date with a man or having a phone conversation, et cetera, or anything else that could be perceived as taking things to the next level, the et cetera, she must find out quickly whether the particular guy is one long-term relationship material two short-term affair material three friend material four wuss material oh that's my stomach tattoo five the gimp from pulp fiction topical references i feel like i feel like if he was the Kim from Pulp Fiction, he'd be able to figure it out pretty quickly. Why don't you talk to me? Why do you keep mumbling through the mask?

Starting point is 00:33:13 Keep in mind, an attractive woman has lots of options. She's being approached probably hundreds of times a month with date offers, etc. And could never hope to spend a small fraction of her time with all the men who are interested in her. She must use tests to quickly cut to the chase and find out what a particular guy is really all about.

Starting point is 00:33:35 Tests can take many forms. Here are common ones. 1. Canceling plans with little notice or flaking out entirely without notice. 2. Asking for gifts or favors outright. I keep getting these PMs from her on seekingarrangements.com, and she just wants free shit. Three, acting snotty, demanding, dramatic, or manipulative

Starting point is 00:34:04 to see if you'll put up with it. Four, asking or telling you to change your behavior. Five, threatening to leave or take her attention and give it to someone else if you don't comply with her wishes. And

Starting point is 00:34:20 the list goes on. So, well, you get my put. Then why did you write it down? So, well, you get my put. Then, ball. Hope you have a good weekend. All right. Is B-O-L an acronym?

Starting point is 00:34:40 I don't know. Well, if you get my point, the minute ball to you. That is a very topical reference um bill of lading bill of lading yep that was the uh essay section uh i think we've learned a lot about uh ace seduction by ace hearts this might be your sort of manuscript that you sent out to publishers. But yeah, so we're going to go past that. Our next section here that we have in the doc, thanks again, Seth

Starting point is 00:35:11 Slaney-Rollins, is called the Information Section. And Bunny Bread, you know what? I don't even have a lead in for you at all. I don't want to give anything away. I just want you to inform us and our listeners about

Starting point is 00:35:28 a matter of importance. Okay. Alright, folks. Simmer down. Simmer down. Hey, you in the back. Yeah, sit down. Jimmy Franks, stop it. Alright. Jimmy Franks, stop it. Jimmy Franks. God damn it, Jimmy. No, no. Don't even go near the slide whistle, Jimmy Franks. This is not funny shit. This is important shit. Such a troublemaker. So loud.

Starting point is 00:35:44 Jimmy Franks. Alright, gentlemen. I. This is important shit. He's such a troublemaker. So loud. Jimmy Franks. All right, gentlemen, I've gathered you here to talk about something. Something that affects you, me, everyone. How to tell your wife you watch porn by Ed Longshanks. Thanks, Ed Longshanks. You're welcome. I'm Ed Longshanks. You can just say thanks me.

Starting point is 00:36:02 Thanks, Bunny Bread. That's my code name. Introduction. You want to stop sneaking around. Thanks, Bunny Bread. That's my code name. Introduction. You want to stop sneaking around with porn and just come out of the closet? That's what that means. That's the original meaning of that. I don't want to go to the closet. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:13 Well, you're doing it wrong, stupid. I'm sorry. All right. Anyways, at my blog on eroticchristian.com. Yay! Oh. Yay! Oh, boy.

Starting point is 00:36:26 Alright, bye everybody. No, you stay right there. Guess what document I expect to be receiving in about a week. It's not up anymore. It's gone. Oh, it's not up anymore. Archived. And now, neither am I. Oh.

Starting point is 00:36:42 EroticChristian.edu is still up. Anyways, eroticchristian.edu is still up right anyway stay right god damn there and we're going to talk about you and your problem anyways at my blog at eroticchristian.com I defend the idea that Christian men have do and

Starting point is 00:37:01 should use porn whatever they want however absolutely they should however to do this their wives have, do, and should use porn whenever they want. However, to do this, their wives are going to have to get on board. In this article, I describe how I got my wife on board, and how she now watches it with me.

Starting point is 00:37:18 Ah. See? Now you're listening, ain't you? It's like you spoiled it. Yeah, those of you, the wives, you haven't murdered already. I'm just trying to find an archive.org fetch of eroticchristian.com.

Starting point is 00:37:34 Don't do that. This is golden right here. This is the pinnacle of Christian achievement. I have more. Anyways, I post several times a day. At the link below, I have references to other articles and pictures. Here is some other shit. Talking about porn with your wife.

Starting point is 00:37:51 Got it. So, you have used porn for years secretly. Your wife has caught you a few times, and you sincerely promise to never do it again. But, but, unfortunately, a few weeks or months later, you saw a link and, well, there you were. You know how those links just appear. You know those links. Them links. Always linking around.

Starting point is 00:38:15 Then, then, you started wondering why all men look at porn, no matter how religious, Christian, or sincere they are. Those are your three categories of people. What if the reason you keep doing it again is because God never intended you to stop? Oh, there we go. Uh-huh. Yeah, now we're thinking. There is no way of escape because there is no temptation. So, you want your wife to understand and, fantasy, maybe even join you.

Starting point is 00:38:48 Here's what I did. I am a psychiatrist. And the art of psychiatry is the skill of getting people to act in their own best interest even when they don't want to. We do this by realizing their perceptual distortions and helping them overcome them. That's what psychiatrists do. They get chicks to watch smut. It's gaslighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:14 That's what I said. Everyone, not just schizophrenics. We're not just speaking of schizophrenics this time. Everyone have perceptual distortions. Remember when we used to read comic strips? I know, dinosaur age.

Starting point is 00:39:33 Anyways, Kathy, she had a perceptual distortion about her weight. Much like an anorexic sees a fat girl in the mirror. Now, you think that only sick people think that way, but you are wrong. Everyone does this. I recently got a haircut, for instance, and the hair falling in my lap was gray. This is strange, because the hair I see in the mirror is brown.

Starting point is 00:39:56 I have to actually cut off a piece and look at it off of my head before I can perceive its true color. I once dyed... Oh, I once dyed it. I once dyed it. I once dyed it. I once dyed it. Anyways. I went to heaven. I once dyed it.

Starting point is 00:40:12 I spoke to God and he said, Watch more smut. Watch more porn. I once dyed it and it was disappointed because it didn't change color in my mirror while everyone else was rolling their eyes. So, your wife thinks that she is fat and ugly. When she looks

Starting point is 00:40:28 in the mirror, her baby stretch marks stand out like beacons. Her breasts sag like a tribal woman in National Geographic. Her hair is a straggly mess of gray that should be convicted in the Salem Witch Trials. This guy's wife is a monster. And her butt is disgusting.

Starting point is 00:40:45 Her butt is disgusting. Her butt is disgusting. Her butt is disgusting. I know. The less said about her butt, the better. I love her butt is disgusting volume three. Get some really disgusting butts in that one. Now, you don't see her that way,

Starting point is 00:41:02 or you shouldn't. If you do, then some family counseling is in order. Some some family counseling is in order. Some family ass counseling is in order. More in a later post. You see her through eyes of love. Those stretch marks are from your babies that nursed at those lovely titties. You have mounted that butt with joy, uncountable times. That disgusting, beautiful butt.

Starting point is 00:41:22 That disgusting butt. I want to mount your butt with joy. This is why your wife... Joy has a strap on. She's a next-door neighbor. This is why your wife has such a violent, literally sometimes, reaction to the thought of you looking at porn.

Starting point is 00:41:46 She thinks that you are wishing to be out of your marriage, to be able to hit that, as they say. She thinks that you are lusting in your heart, that you want to sneak off and get you a piece of that pretty young thing. Just like Jimmy Carter. Just like Jimmy Carter. Wow! You were thinking that too? Your job is to get her to see. See, in 1978, Jimmy Carter did a Playboy interview.

Starting point is 00:42:12 This is true. Well, I don't know when this was written, but. No, no. I know what it feels true for me. Your job is to get her. He admitted in the Playboy interview that he had lusted in his heart. Yeah, but not acting upon that lust. And at this point, that was a scandal.

Starting point is 00:42:30 He said that shit. The acting president said that he lusted in his heart in a Playboy interview, and people made a deal out of it. If an elected Democratic president said that now, it would also be a deal again. Oh, that is true, actually. Hi, Lemon here with a quick correction. The Playboy interview we're referring to here actually took place in 1976, when then-candidate Jimmy Carter had yet to win his election against Gerald Ford. his election against Gerald Ford. In the interview, Carter opined for pages on morality and religion, and he distinguished sins, such as drug use and sodomy, from crimes, such as theft and perjury. And he said that the government's role should only be to legislate on matters when they

Starting point is 00:43:16 negatively affect other people. Matters beyond that, he felt, were between that person and their God. He said specifically that adultery does have victims, and then, quoting the Bible, confessed that he had, quote, committed adultery in his heart, meaning that he had found other women sexy. And it was that specific quote that caused a genuine scandal, and evangelical Christians stated that now they had no choice but to support the guy who pardoned Nixon for any and all crimes committed against the United States. Anyway, let's get back to the episode, just stopping in to say, t'was ever thus.

Starting point is 00:43:56 Anyways, let's stop talking about Democrats. They make me sick as a Christian. Your job, your job is to get her to see it through another lens, through the lens of romantic chick flicks on the Hallmark Channel. When Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and Sully make out, is she thinking, Oh, I wish I could kiss that manly tomahawk-wielding hunter in buckskins with long wavy hair. No. Of course not.

Starting point is 00:44:17 Women don't want men. All right. She is seeing herself as Dr. Quinn, and you are her Sully. That is why you take her to the theater and sit through rom-coms, right? For the sex afterwards. Yeah, I know you do. And you know you do. I feel like your relationship with

Starting point is 00:44:34 women might be different than mine. Shut up. Okay, okay, sorry. Shut up, I said. Okay, I'm wrong. So in this feminized society, oh yeah, we're getting there. So in this feminized, feminazied society where masculinity is hated and normal man's erotic desires are despised. Got it. How do you convince your wife to go against the Christian culture that pervades your life?

Starting point is 00:44:58 Here we go. What? Now, first things first, don't try to argue your side. That will only lead to many long arguments which you may or may not win, depending upon your marriage dynamics. Look at how many cocks she has in her! That's fucking amazing! You need to tell her how you see her while not giving up your masculinity. Understood?

Starting point is 00:45:20 Oh. Alright. For example, let's say that your wife Has watched Game of Thrones With you Alright Yeah She has problems with porn But Game of Thrones is fine

Starting point is 00:45:31 Fuck Okay Sure Alright Even though she makes you Fast forward through the good parts Hypothetically Wait

Starting point is 00:45:37 Hypothetically So the two of you Are watching Game of Thrones The two of you Are watching Game of Thrones And you're like Listen If there's like

Starting point is 00:45:44 Murder or like tits Or like I would incest, if any incest happens in the show, let's make sure to fast forward that part. Yeah. Because it won't get worse from there. The credit sequence is beautiful. There's just a TiVo pass this to whoever's next on HBO. Same. Weird.

Starting point is 00:46:01 Anyway. Oh, Sesame Street. Okay. Same. Weird. Anyway. Oh, Sesame Street. Okay. In a moment of casual nudity, stare at her breasts for a long time. Lick your lips.

Starting point is 00:46:11 Play with a nipple. Not necessarily yours or hers. It could be either one. Maybe one of the ones you've collected. Source a nipple. Yeah, just a baby bottle's nipple. And say, you know, you look like Daenerys Stormborn, but with lots bigger boobies.

Starting point is 00:46:28 Oh, my God. Oh, this guy is the verbal foreplay. Lots bigger boobies, baby. Can I say that entire sentence without her sucking my dick? Yeah, but you owe me a quarter every time you do. Now, you are going to get a rise out of her. It's just science. She is going to ask you what you were doing looking at Danny's tits.

Starting point is 00:46:47 You reply, hey, I'm a guy, baby. I like titties. Want to make love? That's what guys say. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Hey, I'm a guy. I like titties. She will.

Starting point is 00:46:58 Want to make love. I like titties. Want to make love. Read my five-step guide on how to become chemically castrated. Slap your tits and say love. All right. She'll continue to argue. My favorite Rammstein song.

Starting point is 00:47:13 I'm a guy. I like the titties. Nine. Let's make love. Let's make love inside them. She'll continue to argue. You just keep touching her and telling her how turned on she makes you Let's make love inside them. She'll continue to argue. You just keep touching her and telling her how turned on she makes you and asking for immediate sex.

Starting point is 00:47:30 That's true. Yeah. I would like the sex immediates. I want the sex right now. You're turned on. It is happening. You're such an asshole. Fuck me.

Starting point is 00:47:43 I fucking hate you. Fuck me. Tell her that you. Fuck me. Nine. Tell her that you are a man. Show her your erection and prove it. Prove your erection? Prove your erection. So you have to show it, then prove it?

Starting point is 00:47:58 Exhibit A. This is mine. Here is the proof. Get the thumbprints of your dick. Is this a literal point to schlong? Nothing up my sleeve. Here is the proof. Get the thumbprints of your dick. Is this a literal point to schlong? Nothing up my sleeves. Has it been signed and numbered?

Starting point is 00:48:11 Yeah. That's my certificate. This is a kiddie. I've got a barcode on mine. Here's the QR code on my dick. Your Honor, I'd like to enter this erection into evidence. I take it out of evidence. All right. Show your erection

Starting point is 00:48:36 and prove it. Even if this ends with, I'm not having sex with you if you were thinking about other women. You have started making your point. That's, all right. Yeah. That's your point. You don were thinking about other women. You have started making your point. That's, alright.

Starting point is 00:48:46 That's your point. Don't think about other women. Then, a few days later, sometime after great sex, during the cuddling, you say, how long have you cuddled for? On the third day of cuddling. Separate yourselves. You may be dehydrated.

Starting point is 00:49:01 I have to go to work, goddammit. During the cuddling, you say, work, God damn it. Anyways. Oh, this is good. Pretty cuddly, you say. God, that was odd. I just feel like I fucked, insert famous porn actress name. Nice. Who is that?

Starting point is 00:49:14 Very good. She's a porn star. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, she is going to hit you. Be prepared.

Starting point is 00:49:22 You're playing the long game here. She is going to be mad that you just confessed to watching porn. Make sure that you are prepared to not get mad. Don't raise your voice. You are going to be tempted to. But don't do it! Control the mix, yes.

Starting point is 00:49:35 Your line is, I'm a guy. Aren't you glad that I'm a man and I like girls? I sure like you. You turn me on and I love having the sex with you. You're the only porn star that I've ever made love to. I'm the plus side, baby. Aren't you glad another hetero man exists?

Starting point is 00:49:52 Yeah. You might. You might even ask her. You're so hot. Can I take some pictures of you to beat off to when I'm at work? She lets you do this. At work? When you're at work yeah

Starting point is 00:50:06 wait you're not gonna you're not gonna keep that greeting job for very long wait wait till you get on the bus like the rest of us man yeah well maybe she might not want you to look at pictures of her while she beat off on the bus. Be like, if. Look, Greg, the state unemployment office says I get a federally mandated 15-minute jerk break every shift. Look, I don't smoke. I tell you what i do though we all got vices this one saves my fucking lungs you're welcome all right if she lets you do this

Starting point is 00:50:56 then make sure and call her from work and tell her that you are jacking off to her pictures she has a problem with porn, but not to that. Well, call her at work. Welcome to Wendy's. Hi, honey. This is a very specific chain of events that have to happen in a very specific and precise way. She has to be gaslit in very strange ways, but be offended by other things. Anyways, her line of attack will be to try to get you to promise

Starting point is 00:51:26 to stop porn. All of it. Tell her. Tell her that you will try to stop if that's what she demands. But then, say that she knows, and you know that you will just do it again, no matter how hard you try. There you go.

Starting point is 00:51:41 I will try to stop, but I will fail. Do you want me to try to stop? Very good. Let's not kid ourselves. I you go. I will try to stop, but I will fail. Do you want me to try to stop? Very good. Let's not kid ourselves. I'm lying. She will try to get you to get help from mindfulness or porn addiction snake oil experts

Starting point is 00:51:58 like Gary Wilson. Fuck Gary Wilson. Wow. Fucking Gary Wilson. Thanks, Gary. I'm really glad I bought this gaslighting for complete fucking Gary Wilson. Wow. Fucking Gary Wilson. Thanks, Gary. Boy, don't got a dick. I'm really glad I bought this gaslighting for complete fucking idiots. With intro by Gary Wilson. Seems like an unlikely pairing, but it works. This is your line in the sand.

Starting point is 00:52:29 Tell her these guys are doing just as much porn as anyone else. Well, they're doing porn over there. Those guys are doing porn over there. Go over there in the bushes. The reason why they don't jerk off and do it is because they're numb to it. What with the drugs and the hitting. Oh, and the pulling of the hair. These kids today, they're wearing their hoodies.

Starting point is 00:52:45 They're doing their porn. They're spinning on the buttholes. Tell her. Tell her. These guys are doing just as much porn as anyone else. And they are not experts and do not have a cure. And then drop it and return to tell her how sexy she is. And maybe you need to

Starting point is 00:53:12 drain your balls a little bit more with her since she is turning you on in this way. Hey baby, shut up. You ain't as fuckable when you're talking. All your jaw flapping just makes me want to drop my balls. God damn.

Starting point is 00:53:26 I want to shove a dick in that mouth to keep it from moving. Oh, the way you complain about my porn. It's getting me so hot. Bringing up divorce lawyers. Ooh, baby. It's throbbing now. Now, you used a porn actress's name on purpose. That name is going to drive her nuts.

Starting point is 00:53:47 She is going to look that name up and watch it. Guaranteed. That's what's going to happen. Who is Peter North? I hope that you didn't use a name of someone you actually liked. Because even after you win that day, that actress is going to be off the table. You can no longer jerk off to that actress, she will say. Yes.

Starting point is 00:54:09 Okay, yep. You won't be able to watch anything with her in it ever again. Well, goodbye, Peter North. Goodbye, Peter North. Okay, yes, I may have made that mistake. Maybe. Oh, relatable. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:26 So this argument is going to go on for weeks and months. Hold the line without getting mad. Your line is that God made you like this. On the seventh day, he created gape. See, a lot of people thought he rested. Incorrect. You read between the lines. He took one last moment to just make someone's asshole like three inches across. Christian.Brazers.com

Starting point is 00:55:05 It's a nice subdomain. Anyways, you like looking at naked women. You are a man. And isn't she glad of that? And the ultimate argument terminator. She is turning you on by talking about sex this way. Let's go to bed,

Starting point is 00:55:26 bitch. Oh, yeah! Yeah! Woohoo! This has a 72% positive rate, eh? Yeah, it works, goddammit. Jesus, boots! 72% of 12,000 men really got help from this. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:42 I mean, heaven, yeah? Christianity? Nice, nice, nice, nice. Hey, F+, mean, heaven yeah. Christianity. Nice, nice, nice, nice. Hey, F Plus, I have a question. Yeah? Do you guys like to laugh? No. No.

Starting point is 00:55:53 Okay. I do. I'm the one that likes to laugh. Oh. Oh, hey. There's always a laugh. Who's you like to laugh? What the hell, man? Well, this is exciting.

Starting point is 00:56:02 So this is a section in the document called Sex Jokes. Oh, good. I love jokes. I love sex. I love sexy jokes. You love sex and jokes. So we're going to get some sex jokes on sexstories.com. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:56:16 My name is the Porn Joker, and here's a sex joke. Oh, Porn Joker. Yeah, my name is the Porn Joker. Okay. So this is called Blonde Needs to Call Mom in Poland. Okay? All right. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:56:27 Here we go. It's real straightforward. Really, really straightforward. It's set up punchline. That's all there is. Okay. A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it'll be $300, she exclaims, I don't have any money, but I would

Starting point is 00:56:43 do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland. To that, the man asks anything, and the blonde says, yes, anything. With that, the man says, follow me. He walks into the next room and tells her, come in and close the door. She does!

Starting point is 00:57:00 Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! No! No! No, I'm not done! I'm not done! I'm not done, I'm not done. I'm not done. I understand. I understand. That was a funny line, but we're just building. We're just building.

Starting point is 00:57:11 Okay. Right. So then he says, get on your knees. She does. No, no, no, no, no. He then says, take down my zipper. She does. Oh, no, no, no, no no he then says go ahead take it out okay so then with that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands

Starting point is 00:57:36 the man she takes out she takes it out she takes it out with both hands the man then says we'll go ahead she brings her mouth closer while holding it close to her lips and says hello mom the zipper okay she's polish so she yeah what is this is a polish joke or a blonde joke her mother's in poland you don't know her ethnicity. It's a zipper joke. Oh, zippers are stupid. I thought it was a worldwide message center joke. She could be American and her mother could be on vacation in Poland, I suppose. It could, but that would actually infer that her mom actually is of Polish ancestry. So I think it still probably works in this particular case.

Starting point is 00:58:20 Also, lots of blonde people in Poland. I think this joke is really going good. Okay. I'm kind of a, this is racist, right? Okay, yeah. So this joke is called Father Tells Daughter – I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This joke is called Father Tells Date His Daughter Likes to Screw.

Starting point is 00:58:35 Oh, okay. That sounds much less racist. Okay, I'm ready to laugh. All right, Warren Joker. I'm ready. This joke has a very – The name is The Warren Joker. My sense of humor is gaping wide open and ready.

Starting point is 00:58:48 Yeah. I'm gagging on my humor. Some people call you a porn cowboy. I'm going to spurt some jokes into there. So hold open your sense of humor and I'll get inside. All right. It was the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

Starting point is 00:59:12 It's 1957, so it's cool, right? When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. He says, Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? That's cool, says Bobby. And Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. I don't think I've mentioned yet that it's 1957. Have I mentioned that yet?

Starting point is 00:59:36 Okay. Peggy Sue's father responds, why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. Until they do? No, no, no, no. God damn it. That would not be. We want to do it.

Starting point is 00:59:51 Comedy is a twist, right? So naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby. And he says, what? Yeah, says Peggy Sue's father. Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her. Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he revises his plans for the evening.

Starting point is 01:00:13 A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes. I don't think I've mentioned this. Okay, okay, okay. Saddle shoes, poodle skirt. And she announces she's ready to go. Okay. Okay, yeah. Saddle shoes, poodle skirt.

Starting point is 01:00:24 And she announces she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying, have a good evening, kids, with a wink for Bobby. Okay. Also, the Korean War was recently. Good point. Good point. Are you ready for the punchline because it's gonna make you feel good is the punchline sunday monday happy days feel good punchline okay yeah okay you're not gonna feel gross about this one okay good about 20 minutes later a thoroughly disheveled peggy sue rushes back in the house slams the the door behind her, and screams at her father, damn it, Daddy, the twist!

Starting point is 01:01:06 It's called the twist! Oh, there was a twist. There was an actual twist. There was a twist! No, I think he gave her the wrong martini garnish. You're listening to NPR's Great Performances tonight. Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekhov.

Starting point is 01:01:29 Okay, well, you know, there's an Oli and Inga joke, but we already did a Polish joke, so that's fine. Yeah, we're getting real racist here. Hey, Boots, you said you like jokes. Which of these two jokes would you like me to tell you? Would you like me to tell you the joke called Daddy Explains Dead Cat to Daughter? Or Not a Single Dirty Word is Used.

Starting point is 01:01:51 Not a Single Dirty Word is Used. Okay, this is Not a Single Dirty Word is Used by the Born Joker. Okay. They're all new. Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. Small Big fuck. Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. Okay.

Starting point is 01:02:06 Small. Hey, fuck. No, stay home. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, Is that son of a beech or son of a birch? You like that? Okay.

Starting point is 01:02:35 The birch says it cannot tell, just that a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that's a son of a beech or a son of a birch says woodpecker you are a tree expert can you tell if that's a son of a beach or a son of a birch the woodpecker uh takes a taste of the small tree and replies it's neither a son of a beach nor a son of a birch it is however the best piece of ash i have ever put my pecker in that's good i like it um you like that boots you seem happy with it. Bark, bark, bark.

Starting point is 01:03:09 You know, it's not like a laugh out loud so much as, you know. No, it's a thinker. On the way home. Yeah, you're driving home. You're like, oh, shit. I mean, no, oh, heck. Oh, are these where they write the New Yorker cartoons from? This is it.

Starting point is 01:03:24 This is the spot. Okay. So, all right. So we have a note from, who was it? Seth Slimy Rollins. Seth Slimy Rollins. Seth Slimy Rollins saying, addendum, there are 947 sex joke posts on sexstories.com, counting regular stories or fiction that are posted in the sex joke section. The Porn Joker has 481 posts in the section,

Starting point is 01:03:53 which means that he's responsible for about 50.7% of the content there. But from what I can tell of the Porn Jokerers post by clicking on its profile and looking at the dates of the posts for the beginning of the first one and the last one and the ones in between that I'm clicking on, they were all posted in like a nine-day period. Oh, he died. They were posted between the 2nd and the 7th of March 2004. He knew he was going to die.

Starting point is 01:04:28 This was his lasting legacy. He was going to share with the world. He was probably under some sort of auto-riding trance. The only way that he knows how to orgasm. He woke up nine days later. He knew how to orgasm that week. No, he moved on to a different shit. The best piece of ash ever put my backer in.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Almost all of these were posted on Saturday, the 6th of March, 2004. Look, man, cocaine works, damn it. This is 500 jokes. Hey, F Plus? Yeah. It's time for poetry! Oh, wait, that was just that section. Finally, classy.

Starting point is 01:05:04 No, no, no, no, no, no. That was the joke section. That was the limerick section, really. Jimmy Franks, your name is Pervert Boy 1. Yeah, yeah, what's up? It's your boy, Pervert Boy 1. This is your very first poem. F plus, be very nice. This is Pervert Boy

Starting point is 01:05:22 1's first poem. This is my first poem. Please comment the feedback. That was born naturally beautiful with long flowing blonde hair, the face of an angel. I'm sorry, what is your poem called? I'm sorry, yes, it's

Starting point is 01:05:36 Being a Hot Girl by Pervert Boy One. Oh. Great, great, great. I was born naturally beautiful with long-flowing blonde hair, the face of an angel in the body of the devil. From a young age, boys crowd me, date me, love me, but I learn to so save myself for marriage. So save.

Starting point is 01:06:00 Marriage to the richest man I can get. He'll take care of me, spoiling me. I'll have to compete with other women's looks. I'll fight with my butt and bust to be the hottest for him. Now I've won him, so now I keep him. I starve my waist, fatten my bust. I oil my hair till it's smooth and shines. I work on my looks till my husband dines.

Starting point is 01:06:27 He eats your face? Yep. Then in bed I please him well. I make him moan and groan and squeal. I cannot finish in the time he lasts. He can't hold it with a girl like me. That's the price of having my body, yet I pretend to be satisfied as he lies next to me, breathless. I wipe a little sweat of my brow and turn to face

Starting point is 01:06:53 him, always looking pretty. My hair is tidy in the way I lie, so sexy. I ask him if he wants to go again in my sexiest voice. He catches his breath and looks at me. But as he does, the flicker of lust in his eye dies, and I know he's done. I'm nothing to him now. I've served my purpose. Poem. Till next he feels an urge. I'll be there to satisfy it, suppress it.

Starting point is 01:07:22 He goes from the bed, leaving me there, used. I am beautiful. I am seductive. I have served my purpose. I may have the hair of Princess Aurora, the youth of Ariel, boobs big and firm. Yet after he has had his way with me and come, I am trash. All my beauty means nothing to him until next he hardens again

Starting point is 01:07:48 please be generous with the comments this is my first poem in all fairness I didn't write it my sister did and asked me to post it your sister your sister has a lifestyle that you should probably and I changed the title from stepdad to being a hot girl.

Starting point is 01:08:12 Wow. All right, shut up. Wait, shut up. Who is this? Who is this? Yeah. My name's the sexy quattro jizz masters. Oh, hey.

Starting point is 01:08:22 Oh, wait. This is like a team? I love your first three albums. A collaborative team like the Jurassic Five? Yes, we are the Sexy Quattro Jizz Masters. Scream for me, Toronto. My massive cock and your wet, juicy twat. I saw you standing there, tits jiggling in the air i bet your pussy's real real tight we'll find out for sure tonight oh this is a rhyming poem okay yeah so i rip off my pants

Starting point is 01:08:57 and take up my cock i said fuck me now and please don't talk. Bust a bust. We're gonna do it rough tonight. Fucking hard till it gets light. I'll shove my rod in your gaping wet slit. I'll even play a bit with your nice swollen clit. I go in and out of your

Starting point is 01:09:20 amazing cunt. Slamming it so hard it makes you grunt like sort of erotic enough so i'm gonna i'm gonna you know i'm gonna make this uh really appealing for you right now audience please see the overdrive please listen listen listen i'm going to make this really appealing for you right now. Yeah, for the audience, please. In the overdrive. Please, listen, listen, listen. I'm going to judge you on this next line and this next line alone.

Starting point is 01:09:53 Okay, good, good. I'm going to please you then. Do it. Because I do crazy shit to your boobs. Oh, yeah. What? Wow. This ain't nothing you've ever seen on the tube.

Starting point is 01:10:05 Yeah. Wow. I've ever seen on the tube. Yeah. I've never seen this. And then I sneak my fingers into your asshole. Oh, he's not British. I'm surprised. As you enjoy my rock hard pole. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 01:10:29 Then I begin to jizz down your mouth before planting my seed down south. Which south? Yeah, that's where we have this. It's government mandated. I need to know, like, true north here. Magnetic north. Oh, okay. It's like heaven and 11. Mouth south.

Starting point is 01:10:41 Gotta do it. So I leave you there lying in bed after riding you like a fucking Christmas sled. Everyone knows how hard Santa rides that fucking sled. Yes. Yeah. I'll be back next week or day. And next time I'll ride you like Santa's sleigh. That's the only thing I know how to ride. This day.

Starting point is 01:11:08 Sorry. When was this written? Was it December 23rd? I lost my license. It's really unfortunate. I love to fuck you any time and place, especially when I come on your beautiful face. Oh. He thinks I'm beautiful.

Starting point is 01:11:26 It's sweet at the end. Nice. You're so pretty. Oh, no. Doing crazy shit to your boobs. Hey, Bunny Bread. You're a fan of the Monkees, right? Fuck yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:39 If there's one thing you know about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only band that I know that you love more than the Monke is the band smash mouth that's it and in my book there's two bands right yeah there's smash mouth there's the monkeys and then everything else you're rotten hell there's the monkeys and the smash mouth well that's what i said two bands y'all but if i have to think if i have to think about my favorite Smash Mouth cover of a Monkees song, it's got to be I'm a Believer. Oh, yeah. Do you have a fun poem?

Starting point is 01:12:11 Yes. Yes, I do. Yes. I'm glad you asked because, yeah. So I would like to share with you, I'm Ryan 2, by the way. And, well, this is my personal interpretation of the song, The Monkees, I'm a Believer also did by Smash Mouth, correctly I mean, The Monkees, they had a pretty good idea

Starting point is 01:12:30 but Smash Mouth just knocked it out the fucking park Your song's called what? I'm a Believer, but my song is called She Had a Big Beaver Yeah So not a Primus parody, okay. It is not, believe it or not No, no, who the hell's Primus parody. It is not, believe it or not. No, no.

Starting point is 01:12:45 Who the hell is Primus? No, no. Again, Monkeys, Neil Diamond, Smash Mouth. That's the Holy Trinity right there. All right. You're writing dirty paperbacks in the 1930s. Good. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:56 In it. I thought she was only true in fairy tales. Giving hair to someone else but not to me. All she was out to get to me. Sorry, goose feet. That's the way it seemed. Disappointment haunted my wedding. Then she sat on my face.

Starting point is 01:13:24 She had a big beaver Without a trace Of hair on her thighs So I'm in love with her She had a big beaver I couldn't eat her if I tried Why couldn't you eat her? Oh, I should explain more.

Starting point is 01:13:46 I thought sex was more or less a given thing. Seemed the more I gave, the less I got. Oh, what's the use in trying? Oh, you just said it. When I needed pussy, I got ass. Back to the top. This is out of my face. She had a big beaver.

Starting point is 01:14:13 Without a trace. Of hair on her thighs. Oh, I'm in love. She had a big beaver. I couldn't need her if I tried. Oh, you got the point, didn't you? What did you take away from that? You got ass.

Starting point is 01:14:40 Then she sat on your face, but you couldn't eat her. None of this makes any sense. A lot of people like to get exotic pets, but I really don't recommend. A beaver is not a very well-divined animal. No. Oh, prove it. Everyone should look into

Starting point is 01:14:57 getting a genet, because they're like cats. You can't really just put a beaver in a cage, especially if it's a really big beaver. Come quats out. Oh, yes, hello. I got more poems here. I got more poems.

Starting point is 01:15:12 I like poems. And, you know, I mean, there's something appealing about the poem called Not O To My Wife, which starts, Tinkle, tinkle, little slut, I'm gonna fuck you up your butt. Kind of fun. Kind of fun.

Starting point is 01:15:31 Spoiler alert. It's catchy. Kind of goes downhill from there. So I like it. I like it. But I don't like it as much as a poem that I just found written by Karen Marie.

Starting point is 01:15:43 And this poem by Karen Marie is called 12 inch dick. Oh, so inch high private eye. That's me. I'm Karen Marie. I wrote it. Karen Marie and 10 fingers. 12 inch dick.

Starting point is 01:16:02 My name is candy. I turn tricks if you drop your pants I will suck your dick I love a man who takes control who will bend me over and fuck my hole he will fuck me hard long and deep

Starting point is 01:16:18 he will come in me and then we will fall asleep he will wake me from stroking his cock, and it won't be long before it's hard as a rock. He will make me over like a stick, while fucking me hard as little bitch. So if your dick is hard and needing to be sucked,

Starting point is 01:16:40 just call on me and you can fill me up. I love the haste of cum in my mouth I will swallow it down, no spitting it out I love to line men up on the wall While sucking their dicks and playing with their balls Balls! Skinny, fat, big, or small, one by one I will suck them all

Starting point is 01:17:04 They will leave all leave with a smile on their face, cause they have just been to the happy place. Hey, Karen Marie, you're an artist. Be fife-o-fum, Englishmen, make me come. Wow.

Starting point is 01:17:22 Um, what did we learn from this episode? About Karen Marie specifically? I thinkaren marie is my favorite poem my favorite poet ever yeah yeah yeah it used to be jorge luis borje now it's i don't know i think this could be something that could be read at a funeral perhaps you know the next reading at this wedding will be 12 inch dick how would you do that poem to the tune of oh danny boy my name is candy and i turn tricks i love come inside my mom

Starting point is 01:18:02 those may be the original words probably My love come inside my mouth. Those may be the original words. Probably. They couldn't translate from the Gaelic very well. Yeah. I've been translating the words to this ancient Gaelic song. I think maybe the words need a little punch up for modern times. There's a lot of dick references in this one. Oh, he will come in me a rump-a-pum-pum.

Starting point is 01:18:31 lot of dick references in this one uh it's it's it's i feel like it's kind of interesting that like um you know because obviously there's a bunch of different places for um different like sex stories and sexy things to be written on the internet um and while that you know sort of data dump is fine uh I feel like the community that always like rallies around it is fun to me. Um, because they sort of, you know, they sort of like, like any like forum or, or any sort of a community that always sort of jockeying position, uh, which is, uh, enjoyable. Well, it's interesting to people who are like super prolific on a site like this and like you know and and you know it is a a um non-competitive forum so people are usually like

Starting point is 01:19:12 i love your story about all the fucking check out my fucking stories they're also not well written my just my descent into animal sex is complete chapter four oh i loved how you and you wrote your father in there My descent into animal sex is complete, chapter four. Oh, I loved how you and you wrote your father in there. You know, it's one of those places on the internet where people can really share their worthless garbage. Also, this site has not been updated since, well, the content has, but the site itself, the template, has not been updated since 2000. So I like that part about it.

Starting point is 01:19:57 Oh, interesting. You can, from a link on the site that does not work, you could actually set it as your homepage. That was the one thing that was missing. Well, you know, I need to have something to look at during my 15-minute jerk break at work. Oh. Just save me some time. The whole thing is brought to you by xnxx.com,

Starting point is 01:20:18 which appears to just be a tube site. I do like that it allows you to have two different skins. You can either have the blue or the black and white. Oh, there's a different color to it? Yeah, I like the vintage look. That's good. That's good. I mean, yeah, the real eye-searing yellow on blue circa 2000 website really adds some.

Starting point is 01:20:42 And if you want to go somewhere with two different color schemes, you go to ball pit that's right that's right depending on what time of the day you visit ball pit your color scheme might be different and your device settings what and uh we will hopefully have a new merch uh i'm looking for new art and new merch and new dumb things um if you've ever wanted to smoke weed out of an F plus one hitter, I do actually want to make F plus one hitters. That's nice. That is my new merch concept that we can hopefully have happen soon.

Starting point is 01:21:17 But when I said the Bunny Bread Authenticated Crackpot Collection, you said no. So now it's cool. You know what? It's just about anticipating demand so we'll do a run at 10 you know and and if there's a number of i can smoke such as yourself and we can we can go back to like 2008 and do like f plus one uh hand dipped uh synthetic weed packets online and bath salts. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:46 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:47 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:51 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. I'm out.

The F Plus - 331: Everything But The Sex Stories

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.