The F Plus - 338: Let's Stick Crystals Up Our Vaginas

Episode Date: November 14, 2020

The capitalist innovators over at Chakrubs have a whole bunch of different crystals to sell you, and they know where you can cram it. From yoni eggs to yoni nunchucks, for spiritual healing, emotional welness, to get over a bad breakup, or just because you're bored - the answer was inside you the whole time. This week, The F Plus is troubled to hear a click.

I will be reading something from How Do I Insert the Egg? How do I insert the egg? I bought it and I'm, you know, I've had, I opened the box. Problem lies in the answer I will find to the question I know that hasn't crossed your mind. That hasn't crossed your mind. That hasn't crossed your mind. I haven't just inserted it inside myself, no. Heartbeat a step, finding heart against my breath. Put this one to rest. Damned if I do and bored if I don't.

No winners in this race when you're caught up in the chase. Welcome. It's the chase. Welcome. It's the F Plus Podcast. It's an intimate place with terrible things. Red with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. Much like her name, White Lotus, she was able to bring my inner goddess up through the murky waters that is societal and religious implications on women's sexuality to bloom.

Nutshell gulag! That afternoon, our entire camp headed across the playa for a DJ set on an art car and happened upon a naked bar crawl. I can say with confidence that I have never seen that many dicks in my life. Poor attacks! I got so many crystals jammed in there, you can just call me Let You Gia. Bunny bread! If you're like me and you thought this episode was going to be about shoving Crystal

Gale up in your lady business, you're going to be disappointed, so just stop listening now. Alright, I'm sorry, I'm disappointed. Kumquats up! While it's impossible to avoid electro-smog altogether, especially while we're obeying orders to stay indoors,

crystals can be effective tools for cleansing your space of harmful electromagnetic radiation. He reads the internet for you, and why? Because he's Lou Fernandez. How do I insert the egg? The egg is stuck. What should I do? What to do if the egg fell in the toilet?

And lemon. I like that it started small, making it very smooth to penetrate. And also, the cold feeling enhances the sensation. Hey, F+. Oh, hi, dream of perfection. We fear no more. Hey, F+. Oh, hi, Lemon. Hello. What's up? Hello.

Oh, hey, there's a bunch of you today. That's exciting. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of crowded in here, Lemon. I don't know how I keep luring you into my shit. Haven't you realized what I'll make you read if you keep showing up for this? It says free snacks all the time. Yeah.

And I'll provide them eventually. There's the box with the stick under it. I fall for it every time. I promise. I got an order in a Costco. I promise it'll be here eventually. Why do the six of us have to all be on the top bunk and you get the bottom bunk? The bottom bunk is really comfortable.

Also, I call dibs. I call floor. So, hey, are you all feeling, like, spiritually healthy? Pretty much. We're here, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a good year, so I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it.

It has been a good year. Real good year. Real, real good year. Yeah. All of you are going to be sticking crystals in your vaginas. Okay. Yay! I think

I have room. I don't like that. No, sir. I got like a pool cue and a few balls in there already, but yeah. Pulling flags out like a magician. See, I have a pigeon that I've had hidden in there. It's where I keep all my snacks, so I'm going to have to put them somewhere else.

So we have a document we're going to be looking at, so I'm going to have to put them somewhere else. So we have a document we're going to be looking at, given to us by Yuvuz Saltensalim fairly recently, and that document is about that, in fact, that very thing. But when we mention, you know, sort of like crystals that are being inserted into your

vagina, or like, you know, yoni eggs, the name Gwyneth Paltrow comes up, and I feel like we'd be doing ourselves a disservice if we did not start with that. So I want to tell you about jade eggs for your yoni. Could I? No, please. This is from goop.com.

A document given to us by Cheapskate a while ago. Thank you very much. Boots, I just have a couple questions for you. So from Kegels I'm going to start off and from Kegels to Vaginal Streaming, Steaming,

Vaginal Steaming? Vaginal Steaming? Vaginal Steaming. We're not shy here about goop. Goop about our interest in our sexual slash reproductive system.

So when Beauty slash Guru slash Euler slash Inspiration slash friend Shiva Rose started to talk about jade eggs. We wanted to hear more. The strictly guarded secret of Chinese royalty in antiquity.

Queens and concubines. Let's chuck some Orientalism in there too right away. So many people died to get this to us. I love shoving racism up my hoo-ha. It makes me feel so good. Jade eggs were said to harness the power of energy work and crystal healing. Shiva Rose has been working with them for about seven years and raves about the results. So I've got a Q&A for you, Boots, by which I mean

Shiva Rose. How did you first learn about jade eggs? I learned about the jade egg through the yoga community that I was in. And I sort of went down the rabbit hole of researching the practice. There was not as much information about it then as there is now. That's because you made up the information. Yeah, but he's been hard at work on this. That's still true, though.

But it made intuitive sense to me. The word for our womb, yoni, translates as sacred place. And it is a sacred place. It's where many women access their intuition,

their power, and their wisdom. Their wisdom? My brain is up here. I didn't know that. You look at my vulva when you talk to me. So I've been doing it right all these years. Okay. Ha ha!

Joke's on you, women. I've been respecting you this whole time. My womb in the ancient language is garbage fire. It is this inner sanctum that we can access when it's not in use creating life. Sadly, most people use it as a psychic trash bin, storing old or negative energy. What t-shirt that says psychic trash bin on it? Yeah, oh my god. I buy that.

I'm sure there's a psychic trash bin on it. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'd buy that. I see it as a place to celebrate ourselves as sexual, powerful beings. Or as mothers. Not a place to carry negative or undealt with emotions. I want you to call me your little psychic trash bin.

I've always been into crystals. So learning about jade eggs Which are gems Alright Okay So okay great I'm gonna skip a bunch of this shit I'm gonna skip a bunch of this Spiritualist shit because I'm already On the hook so how do we start

When you first get your egg boil it for a few minutes To make sure it's clean For it's sacred space sure it's clean for its sacred space. So it's like making sure your feet are clean when you enter a temple. Because you've boiled your feet. Yes. I've been doing that every time I show

my feet up a woman's vagina. For me, it's not about physical cleansing. You can put it out under the light of a full moon to cleanse or recharge it like a crystal. Okay, okay. I want to go

to your tattoo parlor. Or you can burn sage. I will not. Sheba Rose doesn't mention that she's a werewolf. Why would we have an autoclave? We have a window. Just the vagina turns into a wolf. I will not state whether or not you're going to burn that sage in or outside of your vagina.

I saw that movie, and ironically, it was a full moon production. See? See? The facts are in. Yeah. The egg does absorb energy, so really clearing it when you first get it is a great thing to do. Before I insert an egg, I do a ritual. I place it on a beautiful piece of fabric, light a candle, maybe even burn some sage.

For my ritual, I imagine pure light flowing between me and the egg. Pour a little wine for the egg, a little bit for yourself. Then I think it's important to set an intention, as you would in meditation, before putting the egg in. It's first and foremost about clearing energy and cleansing, so your intention could be about releasing past relationships. M-dash anything. Appreciate it.

Period. I'm going to set the intention to be able to get this thing out of me when we're done. You know, I sort of cut out the middleman and just don't shove it up there anymore. My intention is not to go to the ER again over this. Yeah. Or maybe see that cute doctor. Oh, no. Or maybe see that cute doctor.

Oh, no. Specific instructions come with each egg explaining exactly how to insert it. Use your finger and don't get discouraged. Remember. Step one, open vagina. You want to buy a vagina shoehorn? Al, you. Just let me crank this thing open and then we can get started.

Bombay does life. These things are pretty good. If you stand up and the egg falls out, don't worry, it's totally normal. It is normal to not have an egg in there. You are correct. You should always listen to your body. The egg fell out.

Don't listen to your body. Stick it fell out. Don't listen to your body. Stick it back in there. You need to move up an egg. Yeah. I started with the green eggs. I moved up to the red eggs. Student has become the master. To what?

An emu? Yeah, we had you at a platypus. And I guess the next step up is emu. There's no in between. We're sorry. We should have figured this out by now. It's quite a jump, but that's nature. Okay. And the rest of this paragraph is just everything you just said.

Upgrade me to Kiwi. Anyway, so that was the document from Cheapskate. We might be getting to more of that during 24 Terrible Hours, a.k.a. Garbage Day, a.k.a. Garbage Year. But I want to skip over to this Yavuz document. We're going to be looking at the website

Chakrubs.com C-H-A-K-R-U-B-S Chakrubs. Erotic Naruto fanfiction. The cover image that we saw recently was sort of the painting on the Sistine Chapel with Adam and God, except for it's God handing Eve a dildo. Anyway, so we're going to, you know, so what are Chakrubs? I'm going to answer that real quick for you. They're body safe.

They're made from the earth. They reduce stress. They extract repressed emotions. They remove blocks caused by sexual trauma. They create deeper intimacy with the self and with your partner. They encourage self-awareness and mindfulness. And they set the tone to create your intentions of wellness. But Bunny Bread, I have a question that I want to ask

you here from this document. And, uh, so, uh, who thought this was a good idea? Well, this... That is a good question. Well, okay. White

hippies, Lemon. White hippies. I think that might prove out, yeah. White hippies. I think that might prove out, yeah. God damn it. Spoilers here. Anyways. In 2001. 2011, excuse me.

When I had the idea for Chakrabes, I made a decision. I made a decision to really go for it in terms of making it a reality. I was 23 at the time and it was time for me to take control over my life and my happiness. I had stayed with a boyfriend to whom I lost my virginity

to for six years. Never. To whom I lost my virginity. It was a really long initial event. Yeah, no, no, it was perpetual. I was really stretched out at that point. So, I was ready for the emu. Never truly feeling sexually satisfied or empowered.

I felt that I was now old enough to start something amazing. Well, that's just called being a heterosexual woman. Oh. Okay, well. I didn't know heterosexuals existed. Alright. That I could now be taken seriously. My father is an inventor.

My mother, the CEO of the company that sells his invention globally. I'd had many. I had no idea you came from money. That is such a surprise. Is this the MyPillow? People who come from money always have the best ideas. They have relatable problems that they like to solve. This is the MyPillow? People who come from money always have the best ideas, though. They have relatable problems that they like to solve. This is the MyPillow guy.

Yeah. Well, I mean, the pillow gets shoved in a different place. It's a type of Carlson shoving an egg into his business. That's why he's making the face all the time. That's why he's making the face. That's why he's making that face. He's got an egg shoved in there. And it's shifting during interviews. That's why his's making that face. That's why he's making that face. He's got an egg shoved in there. And it's shifting during interviews.

That's why his head rotates like that, yeah. I'd had many business ideas of my own in the past, but I'd never followed through on any of them. You don't say. Chakrubs, however, unfolded so naturally that I felt it was destiny. I was living in Los Angeles, another shocker for everybody keeping score,

and hosting the creator of the web series Spirit Science, which is dedicated to teaching people about spirituality from a scientific perspective. So gibberish. Yes. And now redirects to a want to buy this domain page. Yay! From a scientific perspective.

Its soul has vacated from that domain. He taught me a great deal about chakras and crystals. I was working at the Pleasure Chest, a sex toy shop, at the time as part of a kind of removing shame experiment. Oh, God! Because when you think about me, you think

she's filled with shame. No, no, she's not. That's the point. Oh, now. Yes. Because you're 23. You have several failed businesses at the age of 23. So you can't just like fucking work at a sex toy store like a pleb.

No. No. It has to be like a growing experience for you. I'm learning from everything around me always. My coworkers were nonjudgmental, open, and accepting of others. It was a great experience and helped me in many ways. They have the patience of saints. I've known a number of people who've worked at sex toy shops,

and they are not nonjudgmental. They are not nonjudgmental at all. They never have funny stories where they make fun of the people that walk in. Yeah, that's kind of why they take the job. Just to, yeah. Thank you for buying this cock ring. I bless you. I spoke with many different people about their desires and fantasies and even medical needs.

One night, I tagged along with my house guest to the home of a woman with whom he intended to discuss some business venture, as well as their respective spiritual philosophies. She showed us her collection of crystals, and when she produced one that was particularly fallacious- Is she going to slap it out of her hand and shove it into her crotch and just like- Just mid-conversation, not even bring eye contact? Give me that. That's my paperweight. Insert. That is the sound that makes.

And when she produced one that was particularly phallic in shape, something clicked within me. See? The vag. Oh, I found another one in there. Oh, they connected. They're magnetically two parts of the same piece.

My lunch crystal found my late afternoon crystal. I have been looking for this Bionicle for years, and I am so glad. Now I remember. My parents were threatening to take it away from me, and I knew one place to hide it. I hadn't felt drawn to any of the items at the toy store, as many of them were made of plastic, were battery-operated,

and created by men. Oh, yeah, shaped like a foot. Yeah. With a vagina in the sole. Yeah. Crystals in the soul. Yeah. Crystals are found in caves, which are womanly. The molecular structures of crystals, on the other hand, are so perfect that they vibrate at and emit very strong, very harmonious, very healthy frequencies. Hey, you know what else vibrates?

Um, no. Hang on, let me think. Things with batteries in them. This foot I designed. Hey, you know what else vibrates? Um, no. Hang on, let me think. Things with batteries in them! This foot I designed. This is like a horny version of that part from A Mighty Wind. Vibrating on color frequencies. Oh, yeah. There were several horny parts to Mighty Wind, though.

That is true. It was an extremely sexy movie. Yeah, I was aroused through most of it. Combining those frequencies with a person's own sexual energy might not only increase pleasure, but might also help facilitate personal awareness and growth. The name came to me almost instantly. I actually shouted it that night. Chug, Rob! Both fists raised in the air of this meeting of spiritual minds.

I'll never forget how everyone turned and looked at me, their eyebrows raised in shock and mild reproof. The fact mild. The fact that even people so dedicated to self-nurture and open-mindedness had such hang-ups about sexuality was yet another sign. I don't think that's what was going on. Yes, yes it was. Yet, no, it was. I shoved so many things in my vagina when I came in, and she only started freaking out when it was her precious crystals. When I did it with the phone, the cat, no problem.

But no, ooh was her precious crystals. When I did it with the phone, the cat, no problem. But no, ooh, my precious crystals. Anyways, they had big time hangups about sexuality, these folks. And the world needed shock rubs. It simply didn't make sense to me that this aspect of the human condition, the ability to feel sexual pleasure, was something we should feel ashamed of. It's not a new idea? It is. This name is so, this name is the worst. I invented sex positivity, you guys. something we should feel ashamed of. It's not a new idea? It is.

I invented sex positivity, you guys. I did. Me, rich white girl, I did it. All me. Copyright me. I'm going to sue anyone else who tries to talk about me. I believe what you're trying to say is thank you. As the days passed, I spoke with many people about chakras. These conversations were some of the best conversations I've had in my life.

When you combine the topics of spirituality and sexuality, you really get to know people. I gave many handjobs. And I'm sure at no point did you talk about the extreme markup that you can charge with these things. No, no, no. That's the sexuality part he was getting all over. I mean, if you feel like you want to give a donation to my church, then just by all means. I had researched to try

to find anything like this without much luck. I looked at so many vaginas to see if there were crystals already in there. Nope. Sure. So obviously at that point you didn't go to yoniegg.com or yonieggs.com. Like I can spell yonie or egg or com. Okay.

There were some decorative phallic-shaped crystals, but I could not find any company dedicated to providing pleasure products made out of actual crystals. Probably because of what doctors say about it. Shortly thereafter, I moved to Santa Cruz to work for a small independent radio station. I lived in the middle of the Redwood Forest with other musicians. Humble brag. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. God. I lived in the middle of the Redwood Forest with other musicians. Humble brag.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. God. Hang on, hang on. I can get Richard and Wider, I bet. And then I was subsidized by Mummy and Daddy. I had my mission. It was my new life's purpose. Anyway, then I moved to Portland and hung out with this folk troupe.

Why are you bagging on Portland, man? Oh, you're right. None of this sounds like Portland. You're right. I'm sorry. Shut up, love. Hey, if the crystal fits. It doesn't help. There I met an incredible group of women who taught me about compassionate communication

and the power of womanhood. These women became my first focus group. One day, we sat in a circle and drew our own designs, discussing which crystals we'd use, and eventually testing out the first ever Chakrab. Yeah, all right. And then some bragging.

Awesome. That's great. Really happy for your story. Namaste. Cool. It's awesome that people like you always land on your feet. Damn right. Really happy for your story. Namaste. Cool. It's awesome that people like you always land on your feet. Damn right. Really happy for you.

You're the fucking Wyatt Coke of dildos. I got some frequently asked questions for you, Portax. Is that all right? No, but we'll do it anyway. Great. Awesome. Question number one. Where does the crystal that you use to craft chakrobes come from?

Is it ethical? Chakrobes are created from crystals, and we source most of them from a city in Brazil that is abundant with them. Crystals take many hundreds of years to form, which is why it's extra insulting that we're using them for this. Because of that, they aren't the most renewable resource. However, because they last a lifetime if properly cared for, it reduces the need to purchase other silicone or plastic products that get thrown away over time. Wait, do you guys buy into peak Yoni egg theory? You know, I swear to God, Robert Reich has been blogging about that

for like ten years. We have been working with the Lapidary who crafts chalk rubs for many years and have formed good relationships with them. We can confidently assure you that the labor practices are legal and ethical

as far as I know. That's all the questions I have. In the labor practices are legal and ethical. As far as I know, we're clean. That's all the questions I have. That was a close one. In the country that we're doing it. Right. We also make regular contributions to a number of organizations in an effort to minimize our environmental impact. Oh, the Yoni Craftsman Union. Our carbon cut print.

416. A-OK. Craftsman Union. Yeah, our carbon cut print. 416. A-OK. Including Friends of the Earth International, the Arbor Day Foundation, and the International Institute for Sustainable Development. I know information on how much we're giving or what any of these organizations are.

Mostly we donate with thoughts. So many thoughts and prayers. And we bow in their general direction. We like to do an in-kind yoni egg distribution. For every yoni egg you buy, we give one to one of the favelas in Brazil. Exactly. The favelas, we hand them out. Most of the people who do that do not return. It's a take an egg, leave an egg

tray. It's not popular. People are not fond of the instruction. As we grow, we are focused on doing all we can to be a company that is responsible and trustworthy. Great, great, great, great. Do chakras

hurt? Are they cold? Chakrubs are tools created for you. That's the opposite of cold. Chakrubs don't kill people. They are cold. They cannot be reasoned with.

It's just going to keep coming. Chakrubs are tools created for your pleasure that are completely smooth and come in various shapes to suit your desires. None of those shapes are cold. They can be cold. They can be. But warm up quickly to your body temperature or you can hold it under warm water before your session. You can.

If you have never used a hard toy before like steel or glass and have only used silicone or softer toys uh it may be a new sensation but it won't hurt chakras are completely smooth and we receive tons of glowing testimonials from our beloved customers who share their love of our products yeah we'll get to that later in the episode. I have one more question for you, Portax, because I'm a woman who is very much in touch with my own body. Is it safe to use a yoni egg while wearing an IUD? Please, God,

no. That's where that clicking noise is coming from. Okay. It's like cutting a spider's web. We haven't seen any evidence that using a yoni egg alongside an IUD is harmful. We haven't asked.

Keep these eyes shut hard. Due to the amount of conflicting information that surrounds these products. What? Which, ours or IUD? There's us, and then there's everybody else. Yeah, all of the

dildo disinformation. Yeah, we recommend speaking to your doctor if you have any concerns regarding their use. No doctor is going to say yes of that rocket thing. That's where that comes from. Your doctor is going to be like, I'm sorry, what? Yeah, go ahead with the cooch rock, sure, yeah.

Please stop doing that to yourself. Okay, so it's time for us to look at some dildos. Oh, by the way, though, there is one answer. Also, yes, you can, in fact, bring chakrabes and yoni eggs on airplanes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Cool. Thank goodness. I know one place you can put it.

So it's time for us to look at dildos, and we're going to talk about the heart first. And, Alou, this is the original heart. What kind of stupid power is heart, anyway? Another Captain America, Captain Planet. All right. Congratulations, guys. That's our 50th Captain Planet joke.

Woo! So, yeah. So, let's see. I guess just tell me about it, won't you, please? So, I'm so glad you asked about the heart. It's one of our greatest items. I just want to look at it myself.

Probably not a great idea, but that's why. I mean, it's what I thought it was going to look like, but I just wanted to make sure. Sure. The heart is original, is sculpted from pure rose quartz. Oh, like my iPhone.

That's right. That's what it says, just like Lemon's iPhone. And just like my iPhone. That's right. And that's what it says, just like Lemon's iPhone. And just like the iPhone, it's a crystal of unconditional love. This gentle stone speaks directly to the heart chakra to help dissolve emotional wounds

and provide a circulation of divine loving energy throughout the entire aura. Also, the feeling that you have a rock in your vagina. I've been missing that in my life actually. By reawakening the heart to its own innate love, the user feels a deep sense of personal fulfillment and contentment, allowing them the capacity to truly give and receive love from others.

Cool. Can it assist with that? Like it'll like just a sex toy, right? It's just going to sex toy. That's going receive love from others. Cool. Can it assist with that? Like, it'll, like, just a sex toy, right? It's just going to sex toy that's going to help me cum. Great. Good. Done. Right?

Is that it? No. Okay. Absolutely not. Sure. You can put it in an out or whatever. You're supposed to leave it in there. But it in there.

Rocks in your vagina are like rocks in a bird's crop. They help you digest the penis. It's like a gizzard when you think about it. That's why few women have teeth inside of their vaginas. We don't need them. We've got chalk rubs and jay-jony eggs.

Yeah, we've got a damn gastrolith in there. It's great. Let me tell you what it can specifically assist you with in case you were wondering. It can assist you with revealing the beauty in yourself to build confidence. The pride you'll feel when you know that you have a

rock inside of your vagina. Teaching the true essence of love and attracting it in all forms yourself erotic romantic platonic is that a rock in your vagina you're just happy to see me i'm happy to see you in a platonic sense yes fostering a generous outlook that enhances feelings of compassion and forgiveness, providing comfort to those who are grieving or in pain. Hey, I know you're having a hard time, but I have a four-inch piece of quartz in my vagina. Does that make you feel better? How did you know I was having a bad day?

Because it's pink quartz. Is your hula talking to me? Because it's pink quartz. Providing comfort to those who are grieving in pain, stimulating sensual imagination. Healing internal childhood wound. And reprogramming

just the one wound. And reprogramming the heart to receive love. Balancing yin-yang energy. Releasing blockages in the heart chakra. You mean the thing that you shoved up your hoo-ha? No, this is sort of like a psychic

plaque on your aorta. Okay, my bad. Stimulating the root chakra to rejuvenate the physical body and dissolving anger resentment and fear calgon oh that's nice wow it arrives in a keepsake box chak are rocks, so they do not require batteries. That is true. Does the box require batteries? Think of all of the other things that don't require batteries. There's so many things you can shove in there that don't require batteries. You'd be surprised.

Tape dispenser. You can shove a tape dispenser in there. Your socks. Just all your laundry, really, can just go in there. Pencil sharpener. Another bonus of the Chakra is its smooth surface. I know you're tired of jagged yoni eggs. Crack, crack, crack, crack.

Why did they put razor blades on the outside of those yoni eggs? An unfinished piece of granite. This thing that I stick into my vagina, how much does it weigh? Now, the great thing about this is that we've really been able to streamline and reduce the weight. So, we got it down to one pound.

Damn. Now, this could also hold a door open. Sure could. Awesome. How much do i pay for this oh oh um well it's out of stock right now but if you were interested it is a bargain at 159.99 also available in four easy payments of 4040 a piece and shipping shipping's probably going to be $20

so add that in it's a pound of rock this rock's going to pound you what did they put on the customs form I'm sorry? what did they put on the customs form it's smooth that's all it says I'm sorry? What do they put on the customs form?

It's smooth, that's all it says That's it, yeah Box, what's inside? Are there any reviews of this product that we should look at here? So let me tell you, we get rave reviews Oh, yeah, yeah If you had any question about it And these are all 100% real, we didn't farm these out to Fiverr, okay? This is the

first review beautiful wait wait wait uh no come close up come close up are there any reviews of this oh oh yes yes hello my name is undefined um i would like to talk about open love oh okay Open Love. Oh, okay. The moment I saw the product online, I knew I had to have it. And when I finally received it, I couldn't wait to try it out. I immediately felt love. It came to me at the right time, just when I needed it, and just what i was looking for aside from personal struggles i was going through work struggles as well and and the magical thing about it was the week i got it later on after bonding with my chakrab the next okay it won't like anyone else in the house I did all

Now it will fight for you Yeah, I did all the companion loyalty quests and everything Chakra, I choose you! Chakra, Chakra, Chakra It does sound like a Pokemon name You sinning vagina! It does sound like a Pokemon name. You sin in vagina!

The next social encounters I had were all connected to things I needed. Like rocks. And therapy. Lots of therapy. You don't need therapy. You got rocks. I re-met old acquaintances who helped me with various dilemmas. Probably because they could detect the rock inside me. Oh, through the rock pussy forums. Clearly, she is in trouble.

She is shoving rocks in there. Yeah. New possible projects. Probably other rocks. New possible projects. Probably other rocks. New contacts. New networks. And new possibilities. I felt the love.

I met some mineralogists. Build a pool in my backyard? Yeah. I felt the love everywhere. Am glad to have this and I bring it with me to make my trips. Extra special smiley face heart. How sad is it that this lady is subbing for her own dildo? Extremely?

She's in a BDSM relationship with her own dildo. Extremely? She's in a BDSM relationship with her own dildo. Okay, so there's the Strega, which was $150, but is now $80. But then it was taken offline. There's a steal for that price. I'm just assuming that that one actually tastes like Strega. That was a Black Friday special. I think they just took it offline to make it more rare.

Who's the price? No, it's a special giveaway. This was only given out in UFO catcher machines in celebration for Valentine's Day. It was a PAX 2016 bonus. Yeah, you can get it on eBay. You can get one. But this was the specific sex toy that was making me excited about this document. This sex toy is

called the Noon Shaku. I love being a turtle. So it is, yeah, it is crystal numchucks. It's a crystal numchuck dildo. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does one numchuck, is it a shocker-type device with a chain between the two?

You know what? That's up to your imagination. Yeah. I mean, it could be a dual play. It could be a solo play. Because I'm going to have to go back to the drawing board if it is. Yeah. You could defend yourself from attackers.

Yeah. No, that's what I was thinking. Like, one is for your hoo-ha, but then you sort of rotate your lower half pretty well. Oh, yeah, do the helicopter. Yeah, they expect the nunchucks to be in your hands. They don't expect it to be in your vagina. Portex, will you tell us about the nunchaku, please? Will I?

Yeah, you will. All right, the nunchaku is the Nunchaku Interactive Sculpture. Oh, wait. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. This is gigantic, this thing. I mean, any sculpture's interactive if you're brave enough. Come here,

Venus to my love. The Nunchaku Interactive Sculpture is a generous double penetrative wand inspired by Bruce Lee. Oh no! Be like water, though. Does his estate know about this? I feel like they have some objections.

A one-inch punch to the dick! They keep deleting the emails. Oh no. Oh no. Made with pure black obsidian and connected by stainless steel, this ode to the martial arts pays honor to how we learned to preserve

our most sacred property ourselves. I hope they have like a mace attachment as well if this is made for self-defense. I'm into BBC. Big black chaku. Yeah, can I put like Excalibur in there? Some brass knuckles? Yeah, can I put like Excalibur in there? Can I get some brass knuckles?

Yeah, can I get like Sun Wukong's staff and just jam it in there? I mean, why doesn't this require batteries? This thing needs to light up. I mean, seriously. It's obsidian. I don't care. That's the best part of it. A creative instrument, the nunchaku

is designed to stimulate conversation and erotic situations. Excuse me, I have a nunchaku inside me. Let us talk about it. So why do you have this on your coffee table exactly? The black nunchaku can specifically assist with absorbing negative energy and releasing stress to improve emotional well-being, alleviating fears and worries to allow one to become more comfortable within themselves and their surroundings, increasing stamina and vigor, and encouraging wise decision-making. No, I don't think that's true. You put it in and you're immediately like, oh, that was a bad idea. Don't do this again.

I'm going to go back to school. Don't like this very much I'm going to go back to school. Okay, yeah. Don't like this very much. Why'd I do that? Promoting self-control and keeping excessive emotions and passions under control. Don't panic. He's a heart rate monitor. If you're jamming it in there and what it's doing is reducing your passion, like... It was horny.

Now I'm fake. I'll never be horny again. Holy shit, yeah, this was the coldest of showers. With God as my witness, I'll never be horny again. Gone with the chaku. Easing past relationship trauma And overcoming emotional strain Past relationship trauma?

Really? Relationship trauma This is like your Because if he comes back I'm nunchucking his ass Oh that's true Hey yeah I changed the locks

For a reason Bap I mean You probably really hurt Somebody with those things Yeah You could probably kill someone with those. It's made of stone.

And very large. Dildos de piedra. Fostering emotional stability. Learning and implementing self-control. What? Come on. I have self-control because I bought stone nunchucks from the internet. Right.

Oh, are we still... These are not being inserted into people? No, they still are. No, they're definitely being inserted into people. Yeah, no. Thank you, because I was getting concerned that they were just decorative, and these definitely belong in vaginas. Right.

That's your self-control. So, this is the F+. Things are being inserted into people. Maybe it's like, okay, if I get the cupcakes from the fridge, I'm going to have to punish myself by shoving nunchucks on there. Oh, there you go.

This is like a Catholic asceticism thing to you from. I wanted to apologize for what I did with your nunchucks. Let me let you know I bought my own. Promoting positive sexual health and eating and easing the root chakra and reproductive system. Don't think anything's going to be at ease with those things shoved in there, but that's fine. Not so much. This makes a big path.

Releasing sexual shame and healing-related traumas. Portex, did you tell us how much these numchucks weigh? I did not. How much do they weigh? How much do they weigh? How much do they weigh? Let's see here. Yeah, it weighs five pounds.

But think of all the pounds of shame you're losing. Is that like in total? Each one weighs two and a half pounds. Well, minus shame weight. Well, stainless steel, so that's pretty light. And then how much do I pay for this product? You pay just – it's a steal at $325. It's a steal at $325.

I just want to bring back that the original Chakra Brock is only $159. It's a much better bargain. Do you think I could finance this and get like one stick per, you know, every couple months? Yeah, go halfsies on it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You just get the hardware. It's like dice.

Yeah, you and your roommate can both buy your own individual nunchaku. And just a slight extender on the chain. But, yeah. I guess it's like it's run across the room like a cable with duct tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can actually use this nunchaku as a fleshlight holder. Oh, you could. If you got the chain extension,

you could also play jump rope with it. That's true. Are you... All of my nunchucks are wireless these days. I get the Bluetooth ones. You're missing out just for Double Dutch alone. Rolls around like an arse. If you hit your mouth on that, you'll get a

Bluetooth. There's actually this document. This document was provided to us not that long ago, in fact, basically two weeks ago. And in that time, not only have products been sold out, but they've actually been removed from the store. Multiple products in this document have been removed from the store, including the Talu-Jupi. And so we don't actually have a page that's going to show us a picture of the Talu-Jupi. That's how rare it is. But, Lou, I think if you'll sort of describe this, I think we'll – the description, I think, will probably put a picture in our mind.

Clear your minds. Be prepared to have the image of the Talu Jupi inserted. No. At a custom piece to get in touch with a lesser-known chakra called the Talu, located in the mouth. with a lesser-known chakra called the talu, located in the mouth. The talu has two stainless steel chains, one connecting at the back of the head and one on top,

and is finished off with a pure crystal ball gag. Oh, my God. I can't tell. See into the future with that thing. Say goodbye to your teeth. This design gets you in touch with your sacred discipline and your local dental

reconstructionist. The Taloo 2 is a collaboration between Chakrab and Affect Metals. With the original Taloo concept designed by Vanessa Kuchia. Made with hard crystal and charged metal,

this deeply meditative piece helps to ease reflection and encourage play. The delicacy of the hard woven metal facilitates feelings of safety as well as exploration. Yeah, that's really safe. Feelings of safety. That's really safe.

Have this metal. A crystal ball in my mouth. While the crystal helps to ease. Where's really safe. I have this metal in my mouth. While the crystal helps to ease. Where my teeth are. This is the bonus. The crystal helps to ease communication

before, during, and after being gagged. Uh-huh. It eases communication. Mostly during you are suffocating. Mostly during. Yeah, exactly.

The ball gag is sculpted from pure soda light of course something everyone knows which is thought to stimulate the pineal gland it is thought by one who is writing this what was that movie from beyond

look at that Taloo quote unquote is the name yes Taloo is the name stewart gordon joint talu is the name of the lesser known chakra that is located in the mouth and the gland that it corresponds with is the pineal gland stones of that indigo color are also represented the bridge between the throat and the third eye and are thought to open up clarity in that area. Open your clarity.

Open your fucking clarity. Go see that clarity, Ewell. The Chakrab's Times Effect Metals crystal ball gag has an adjustable clasp. If you are in need of a size adjustment, please contact effectmetals at gmail.com. Just type into, I need help right now. It's stuck.

How fast can you shift? Can you come over? Can you send a locksmith over to cut me out of this damn place? We have a nationwide deal with SafeLight. They will come and they will chip that glass ball gag out of your mouth. Please note, while this ball gag is able to be used during play,

we recommend exercising caution due to the hard nature of the crystal. It can be utilized for meditation or encouraging the exploration of ironic situations. It can also be worn as a necklace to empower, protect, and encourage clear communication. May this chain empower and protect you! Gosh, I wonder why this one got pulled off of the market. Price, $325. Oh, so $325. Yeah, not only did this one get pulled off, but another product got pulled off

that was called El Mondo. El Mondo. Oh. The description of El Mondo is it fits snugly. Oh, no. It's got the whole world. In my crotch.

So, come Questop, while we were spending time with there, you were looking at the freak. I pronounce it Freck, like check. Oh, the Freck. So, this is the sister blog site that writes about putting these things in vaginas. Yeah, it's not transparent at all. Yeah, no. Now there just happens to be a crystal sex toy

industry blog alongside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That specifically talks about one specific brand of sex toy. How convenient. Excuse me. I want to know, do chakrubs work? Every time I am asked this question, I smile.

I so look forward to opening this conversation and offering my perspective. I have never been asked this question by a woman. But many men ask this question. Sometimes it has a vibe of, are you replacing my penis to it? With that? Because I don't understand what's happening. Look, I'll willingly replace my penis with nunchucks if you'll let me.

I've been asked. I've been prayed. Can you please replace my penis with a nunchuck? It's that C-Lab episode. Would you replace your penis with a pair of nunchucks? Either way, the verbiage used tells me that there is an alternative way of thinking about orgasms okay okay okay that's a that sounds like your product doesn't work and how we perceive our impact on our partners impact is in rocks impacting our partners. That's right. The impact of being struck in the brain.

Like a meteorite. Or a colon. A colon can also be impacted. Do chakrubs work? No! What? What? You could have led with that. We have spent all this time talking about how they do work?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Now? Hey! Hey! Hey! And now? Hey! Hey! All right, everybody stop your recording. Check! What did we learn? Chakrubs do not work. Goodbye!

Wow, you know, our first and only attempt at sponsored content is not going well, guys. Oh, no. Hey! We don't even have Frank West here. Chakrubs do not work. They be! Oh. Oh, snap!

They be. That caught me off guard. What a pivot. They be expensive. I be a pirate of rocks. Vaginas be shopping. Chakrubs be vagina rocks. They allow chakrubs be vagina rocks. They allow chakrubs being made of crystal, have perfect molecular structures,

and can have positive effects on our electromagnetic fields. They do this. on our electromagnetic fields. They do this. This is someone who has never had to, like, actually answer a question or be held accountable for anything they've ever done in their entire lives. Agreed. Agreed.

Even just stuff like, hey, who took the last slice of pizza? That's just a thing that happens. The pizza just pee in my stomach. The pizza just be in my stomach. It has perfect molecular structure for deliciousness. They do this simply by being what they are. Chakrubs assist many people in various ways. You know, you could use them like a mortar and pestle.

Like... It's true. You can make a great dry rub with those things. You know, every time I'm making my own pesto with my dick, I find myself wishing... I find myself wishing my dick was a rock. You could make such great pesto

if your dick was nunchucks, though, don't you think? That's right. Yeah, no, no, that's like... That's twice as much pesto. First thing that came to mind. I do like pesto. They are tools that have a purpose. But they...

More than I can say for myself. They do not work to fulfill a purpose. But they do not work to fulfill this purpose in the physics sense. What? Inviting chakrubs into my lovemaking, I know it is up to

me to center myself, quiet my mind, and relax in order to feel the healing energy of the crystal. I'm feeling something in there. Yeah. Do you have a chakra up inside you? I'll never tell. Shrug. Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump.

Who does it these days? I mean, really? Confidentially. She has rocks in her vagina. We've secretly replaced her full just crystals. We've secretly replaced her empty vagina with a vagina filled with a giant stone.

It is up to me to learn how I best like to touch it and be touched by it. And knowing that this crystal is here to allow me to feel pleasure. that's what it's here to do hey hey hey no that's not what the crystal the crystal's not just there for your pleasure hey keep lying inside me 395 dollars worth of crystals and she's still having rotten sex can i just point out that the photo of her

is using, she's holding, I'm assuming this is her, her giant crystal dong in her hand and she's clearly using it to point at someone during a conversation.

You know, I feel like if you want to make an impact in a conversation. It's pretty intimidating want to make an impact in a conversation... It's pretty intimidating to pull out your chakra during a conversation. No, that's not powerpointing, man. It works. I usually use the Jeff Stryker myself, but this is another way to go. Maybe off-camera, there's a flip chart with some pie charts and some graphs,

and you're using it as a business point. This still needs a laser pointer. Can you control a PowerPoint with it? With your mind? I mean, your vag. Yeah. I apologize. Yeah.

It allows me to go through what I need to in order to accept ecstasy in my life. Oh, this is crystal meth. That's what we're talking about. Ah, okay. You don't go from meth to ecstasy. You're doing it backwards. Dummy.

Build a high, come on. The fact that so many men ask me, do chakras work? Leads me to believe that they think they have to work to bring their partner to orgasm. Why do I have to invent something that works? I just point at the woman and say, orgasm, goddammit. That's her job. I mean, I'm going to point with a purple dildo from now on, just like my lady there, but it ought to work better.

I used to use a giant stone staff, but then I realized I was Michelangelo. When I think about my past relationships with men and having trouble orgasm, I realize they did feel like it was work to get me off.

That may have been the issue and what led me to create Chakrubs. So next time, I've takenbs. So, so next time, next time, I kept taking your advice. I've taken your advice. And the next time, should it happen that I,

you know, I get intimate with a lady, it'll be, and there we go. Okay. Well, I don't have to work. So,

so, uh, set it, forget it. So how's your crockpot doing there? Can I fry potatoes at the same time? You can multitask.

You can do five rotisserie chickens up here. The very last thing in the section, coming very close to the end, but the very last thing in the section of all of the sex toys available, which just keep getting pulled from the shelves. These things, these products, it's a vapor wear. These are vapor dildos. They're just too awesome.

Limited edition. Do the lawsuit. You know who's getting rid of them? Men who are being threatened. Boots, I'm going to give you a choice and it is up to you to decide which of these sex toys you would like. I guess sex toy is not accurate here. We're talking about a rock.

Sex. A chakra thing. I don't know. Whatever. This is not amateur. It's not prosumer. This is like a pro level sex toy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Again, toy. Anyway, so boots to that end. Your choice. Yep. Cock ring or butt plug? Oh, well.

Oh, is this? That's my favorite game show. Is this who butt plug? Oh, well. That's my favorite game show. Is this who would win? Name that butt plug. I'm going to go cock ring because I feel like we've covered butt plugs an awful lot in this podcast. I definitely I see you've played pluggy spoony before.

Definitely have. played pluggy spoony before definitely have and uh here's my uh here's i i made it i made a i made an error earlier on uh il mondo is actually the name of the cock ring oh wow uh oh uh before it was on the site it was just it got discounted from $85 to $50. Yep, agreed. Il mondo. A $50 cock ring. What a steal. We got to move these il mondos, people. Come on, folks.

These cocks ain't got to ring themselves. And this is a good four words to start with. In Italian tarot tradition. Right. Good. Yeah. I see an erection in your future. My first one? Il Mondo translates to...

The first card is the wang. This means virility. Wang doesn't actually mean wang, though, in tarot. El Mondo translates to the world, a card that represents wholeness and culmination. The Mondo cock ring is made from maplewood and can be dyed with logwood? I don't know.

Indigo and iron salts, giving it a blue or black color, depending on your preference. I want rocks on my dick. Very natural. Sorry, you're getting wood on your wood. It comes with bath salts. Oh, you're right.

It could also remain as a clear finish. Pictured? It fits snugly and stifles blood circulation, increasing sensitivity. Indigo lends protective qualities for those experimenting with sacred discipline or power exchange dynamics.

I thought I didn't need batteries. In splinters. Lots and lots of splinters. Oh, okay. I mean, I would describe this as a walnut. I would describe it as a super bad idea to put anything on there that cuts off circulation that you can't take off at a moment's notice. You're bad at describing colors, nutshell. We're talking about cock rings.

Well, that's why you need the other. No, no, that's what I mean. That's why you need the rocks. That way you can practice good decision making or whatever the hell they were on. But if you make that, in a nutshell, if you make that argument, this product wouldn't exist. And here we are. And then where would we be? Is there a yoni that you can use to drop these on for measurement?

The forest line is coated with an eco-conscious wooden. I'm going to start the sentence over again, please. This is a long sentence. It's a very long sentence with lots of hyphens. The forest line is coated with an eco-conscious wooden pleasure line patentable...

pleasure line patentable finish, ensuring that each piece is silky smooth, odorless, non-porous, hypoallergenic, and body safe. The state-of-the-art glaze is compatible with all known lubricants. And maybe several unknown lubricants.

Space I want you to know that this was a patentable finish, but I'm not like that. I'm not going to patent it. I want you to know that this was a patentable finish, but I'm not like that. I'm not going to patent it. I want people to, this is the world's idea. All of them. Oh, no. Science has yet to invent a lubricant that defeats the scocker.

Sorry. And allows the naturally insulated wood to warm and retain body heat. The wood used for the forest line is a walnut and maple. Is a walnut and maple. I was right. Wait, whose nickname is Rock Maple?

Right. And is being shaped at a facility in Long Island, New York. Maybe it's they know they're only going to be making a dozen of these. So they just have a piece of wood and they make a lot of cock rings out of a tree.

Yeah. More rocks. I did about 78 films under the name Rock Maple. Really? How long was each film? I'm sure every tree grows up thinking like, I think I'm about 500 cock rings now. I hope I get turned into a cock ring.

Oh no, chopsticks. I wanted to be cock rings. This is definitely the worst possible ending to The Giving Tree. Then the man came back to me, sat on my stump and said, I want to turn the rest of you into cock rings

and then stick a splinter in my dick. That's fine. They'll just be like reasonably priced, right? Of course. No! $85! Why would you be bargaining

with the giving tree on how many cock rings you're going to be doing? I only have so many cock rings to give. But I'm happy to do it because i am nature please take it okay il mondo wait what okay yeah okay il mondo is between 45 millimeters in diameter is il mondo talking about itself good thank, great, good. Thank you. Thank you.

It's between one value. It's between 45. Yeah. It's between 45 millimeters. It is between 45 millimeters. Wait, wait, wait. Maybe it's like between 45 millimeters and inches. That's an abbreviated inches. It's between 45 millimeters and 45 inches.

It's in the theoretical space. 45 inches is a very large cock ring. An unsized cock ring is the dumbest product ever made. Oh, man. If you are in need of a custom size, please include... Everyone is! No. No.

I have a standard issue. Yeah, it's pre-molded Now that's This is, El Mondo is for me Now that's what I call product market fit Please allow six weeks for any custom sizes So I guess, yeah, presumably they ran

out of rock maple Can you put a drawstring They ran out of the tree they called rock maple With capital R, capital M A drawstring. They ran out of the tree they called Rock Maple. That's why it's R, capital M. Oh, man. Okay. So there's an entire testimonial section.

Before getting to that, I wanted to mention that Yavuz also found Frick or check, I think you said frack? Frack. So Yavuz also found a frack and put two things in the document available on thefbl.us and one of those two articles

is titled Consent Culture at Burning Man and What I Saw in the Orgy Dome. Oh, no. Two cocks in her, one cock me. So very good, but I think maybe our only testimonial, Nushel, you have a testimonial to share, right? Oh, boy, do I. Great.

So it's not about me loving this product. This product loves me. I was, uh... Again! I was not sure what to expect using my chalk rub for the first time, but as soon as I held it in my hands, a powerful sense of calm rippled through me. My experience using my

crystal has been one of intense healing and sexual pleasure in a uniquely personal space that I have created through my relationship with my chakra. Having a safe place to meditate with my crystal has allowed me to explore my connection with sex and love on a deeper, more

sacred level. I have grown in my appreciation for my gorgeous rose quartz wand and appreciate its perfect shape and sensuous curves. It really is a luxury item, an indulgence that I'm glad to exploit myself with, and the more I use it, the fonder I grow.

Hey, what'd you spend your tax return on? You splurged on anything cool? No, no, don't worry about it. Being a crystal means you can cleanse and program it. And that's exactly what I have done. Program it? Now, bathed in moonlight and attuned to a sacred vibration, I warm my wand in lukewarm water to take off the chill

and, in a moment of sublime inspiration, thought to glaze it in organic coconut oil before enjoying its natural sensual pulse. Is programming it just like drawing an on and off button and then just going like, boop, set to be inside me. No, it's like magic spells and chakras and stuff.

It's like a TV remote. It's like a TV remote. Whoop, take it out. Off, beep, put it on shelf. Put in moonlight for sterilization error error not enough moonlight alright actually you know what one more

one more one more review bunny bread yeah yeah yeah is it true that this product makes you feel more alive tell you what oh boy I've never been more alive than I am right now Okay

I'm glad you come to me I want to tell you my story Oh boy This crystal Has changed my life And my relationships And I'm forever thankful Has a gentle trustworthy presence

It essentially has helped In all the ways listed in the description and I'm forever thankful has a gentle, trustworthy presence, you know? It essentially has helped in all the ways listed in the description. Has helped with the issues pertaining to the sacral and the solar plexus chakras, the self-worth, the pleasure, and has helped me heal deeply embedded issues from my childhood. I don't like this local pizza commercial. You will. Hey.

What's the matter with you? You got deeply personal issues from my childhood. Hey, you get a larger pizza pie, I'll tell you a story about how I felt inadequate as a child. Something new comes up every time I work with you. There's something about having inside you that unravels and helps to release and heal a lot of deeply

embedded trauma. This crystal Yay! Yay! This crystal has also helped me get in touch with sexuality that is balanced and rooted in the real love. Amore.

Great, too, if you're dealing with the trust issues. Hey, nobody is around here. Equality is amazing. And the package is put together with a genuine love and a care. Just like mama used to fuck. I highly recommend this product with every penny. All the delirium. A great addition to any healing journey.

No. Okay, okay, okay. I really thought Chef Boyardee was just going to read from his book. I wasn't expecting this, like, personal. I told you I'm going to fuck a rocker. Okay. personal. I thought you were going to fuck a rock. Okay, there's some real gold in the second, so turn it down a little bit, please, in the second one.

Turn it down or turn it all the way down? Well, you know, wherever the knob goes. And then rub some essential oil. Cleanse the heck with moonlight. Stick a rock in it. So anywho, my adventure with my new Black Sonic's chakrab has been absolutely amazing. I feel as if some deep internal blockage has started to move.

I think that might be the rocks. It's a mudslide. It's the short teeth and sand dollars. Something shook loose. Oh boy. Oh Christ, I can finally walk in normal. Memories have come to light and I've been able to go back to some past events Christ, I can finally walk in normal.

Memories have come to light, and I've been able to go back to some past events that I hadn't fully dealt with. After many of the years, I don't think it's coincidental that these things happen at the same time as my receiving my chakra began. On a sexual level, no, no, no, no coincidence.

On a sexual level, previously I could have no, no coincidence. On a sexual level, previously I could have had a vaginal orgasm. You know, the hood and a half. But I would only ever ejaculate with my partner if I'd had some alcohol to relax me for a little vino. Vino for the vaginal. That's a confusing

sentence that I'm trying to parse. I'm not sure what's going on there? We move on. God has a plan. We move past it, just like all our childhood trauma. We just go right past that. Yeah, all right.

Despite wanting to, I've never been able to make that happen, just through my own connection and the breathing and the et cetera. The first time I used the Black Onyx shock probe, I hold it right on the different parts of my body as I got into the bed and then put it under my pillow as I was

falling asleep. What? I mean, what if a robber breaks in? I gotta have it by myself.

Or maybe $50 or $300 or whatever. I need it. You either protect it or you're not. I need this thing nearby.

I'm not going to get no dildo safe. All right. When I woke up... You don't want it going off. I mean... You heard me. I kind of do, you know? You got to leave it...

I didn't say gun safe. You got to leave it somewhere for the fuck rock fairy to pick up. You know how much I paid for this? And the fairy leaves two quarters underneath my pillow? I mean... There was 50 cents under my pillow when I woke up. When I woke up in the early hours, I held it again, and I drifted in and out of the sleep with it.

When I finally woke fully, I began to use it. and out of the sleep with it. When I finally woke fully, I began to use it, and I had the most phenomenal vaginal orgasm and a whole lot of the ejaculation. Okay, okay. Still confused.

Female ejaculation. A little bit of sauce, a little bit of juice. Female ejaculation. I mean, that's just pee, but okay. It's called ejilulation, actually. Okay, that's just pee, but okay. It's called agilulation, actually. Okay. That's fine. Nice.

So, since then, I have been able to both agilulate and very deep vaginal orgasms almost every time. Not only that, but I have started to reconnect with my female sexuality in a way that I haven't felt for years. I'm basically more aroused and wet throughout the day. And I feel that it's handy to be wet all the goddamn day. And I feel as if parts of me that were closed have cracked open with new life. Cracked

open. Lobster claw. What the hell was that? Oh, my vagina. And there's a pearl in there just like a real oyster. What the hell was that? Oh, my vagina! And there's a pearl in there, just like a real oyster. Actually, it's a piece of charcoal when I put it in there like five years ago. A piece of charcoal? Charcoal.

That's how... That is how that works. No, that is how that works. No, no, that's how pros are made. It doesn't need to work, though. You need to work for it. He loves me. Boy, do I ever. Yeah.

All right. Okay. I know I still have a lot of work to do to get where I want to be. But the chakrav has without a doubt been my best gift to myself in a very long time. Possibly ever. my best gift to myself in a very long time possibly ever i hope every woman finds herself looking at this and that every woman considering one just goes for it we all deserve this huh ladies i really wasn't sure when i first saw them but i'm so happy that i took this risk i really feel like i need to do something for myself.

So I'm going to buy myself $350 worth of black nunchucks that I might stick in my vagina. Might? Well, get ready to pay a lot more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to have to go to eBay for those now, man. It's just sold out. Sold out. What did we learn from any of this, F-Plus?

What to buy my dear for Christmas. Some people have more money than cents, but I already knew that. I learned that I will only ever buy a Chevrolet truck because they're like a rock. Oh, come on. No, no, no. it's alright Hey, come on

He was saving that for a while Come on, he showed patience with that one Do you think Do you think Have you ever visited a therapist And you've discussed the idea That you store You store jokes that bad

for like 40 minutes and just like sort of sit on them like a mother that's right i thought you were you ever go to a therapist and you store an egg and then you just kind of lay it in the middle of the session you ever do that you all do that you know what i'm talking about right yeah yeah this guy this guy knows. They're just like, all right, let's talk about your problems. And then you just kind of drop your pants and then just egg after egg just falls out over and over again. Oh, man, it's Chevy. And the therapist is like, good session.

See you next week. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's just like, are you sure? Because some of these eggs are plastic eggs and they got candy in them. Candy for you. Candy I brought. It's a present. That ever happen?

I'm not the only one here, right? Listeners, if that's happened to you, please leave comments with your stories. I think if I were running this website, I'd have a separate site with a different URL that had the exact same products, but to sell the audio files.

That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double dipping for sure. I think what we've discovered in this episode was we've actually discovered the opposite of the Amazon review episode. Because 264 was the Amazon review episode where women were buying like $6 dildos that were like setting themselves, they were setting them on fire and they were electrocuting them and stuff was leaking out. And we sold buttons because we were trying to encourage, hey, you're worth a $27 dildo. Buy yourself a $27.

You deserve it. You deserve it. But you know what you're not worth that's all bye bye I guess treat yourself they say your body is full of sin but they can't see the world that we're in your body is the road to where peace

begins i'll give you mine we can take a spin spin baby let's forget the morning forget the morning where you been and baby we could chase the sun you got the gun and ending podcast episodes is so hard though fuck that that joke was awesome it was so fucking good that is a walk away joke