The F Plus - 400: The Inspirational Stories of Not Always Right

Episode Date: March 10, 2024

One night, Lemon and four ridiculists read a document made entirely from stories from Not Always Right which were tagged as "inspirational". Then (six months later), Lemon and four other ridiculists read the exact same document. This episode is the result of those two recordings. This week, The F Plus is releasing our 400th episode which means we have to show up two hours early and get thrown right into the mix with no time to sit down and make a cup.

Hey, EF Plus listener. It's Lemon. I've got an unusual one for you here, so let me explain. Okay. Back in August of 23, we recorded an episode of stories from Not Always Right. If you're not familiar, Not Always Right is a Web 2.0 site from like 2008, which is a collection of user-submitted stories

mostly about the service industry. Hence, Not Always Right. Okay, you got it. Great. Okay, so the thing is, the tenor of the stories from Not Always Right is a frankly infuriating combination of dubious and banal.

As in like, you're telling me this story and the details are suspect, so I don't actually believe the story is true, I don't think it actually happened, but also the story you're telling is so insipid and pointless, and, like, it fails the basic criteria of actually being a story, so, like, as long as you're lying, I really wish you'd lie better. The point is, Not Always Right hurts me. And the Ridiculous on this podcast, they all know that. So they're always wanting to go back to Not Always Right. They wanted to do it in episode 210, where I recast everything inside of a GameStop,

despite where the story actually might have taken place. They wanted to do it in episode 263, where I got so distracted we ended up doing like 15 minutes of Crypt Keeper gags. And then they wanted to do it in episode 263, where I got so distracted we ended up doing like 15 minutes of Crypt Keeper gags. And then they wanted to do it again in August. So we were going to read this document from Lucky Numbers, and this document had a specific focus. This is all stories from Not Always Right with the tag of inspirational. So that's the doc we read. It was, as you might imagine, stupid and infuriating.

So much so that when we actually put it on the shelf to get edited, I forgot about it completely. And I'm telling you that to lead into the next part. A couple months later, a completely new group of ridiculous wanted to read this inspirational not always right document. And I tell you this in all honesty, I did not remember recording this already. Like, at all. What I'm saying is, we read like 75% of the exact same material in both recordings,

and at no point, at no point in the second recording did I go, and I think I've read this before. It actually wasn't until we were all uploading the files afterwards that I realized what happened. So, with this being episode 400 and all, I wanted to do something special for you, so here's the deal.

Okay, the first group, we're going to call them Team Edward, and that was me, and then that was Boots, Adam Bozarth, Nacho Gulag, and Toast. Then the second group, a couple months later, we're going to call that Team Jacob. That was me with Achilles Heelies and Frank West and Shell Game and actually our first ever recording with Positive Stress.

It's a great addition. We're totally going to have Positive Stress back. But what you're going to hear here is the collective output of both groups. Sometimes I'm going to use the take I found funnier. Sometimes I'm going to use both takes. Sometimes I'm just going to smoosh them together. If you're one of those people that comments to us, I can't tell the difference between these voices. This, this is probably either the best episode or the worst episode for you, depending. Is this as good as episode 300, best episode or the worst episode for you, depending. Is this as good as episode 300, which was just Kumquat Sops saying the word episode 300 times? Honestly, that's not a fair standard for everything.

So let's begin. First story, this is really going to set the mood of the tenor of what I'm talking about with these stories of Not Always Right, because Adam has something that's about a minute and a half long and it is unquestionably not a story at all. This one's called The Compliments Are Complimentary. It's from Michigan. Adam.

I'm a firm believer in brain vomiting every positive thought I have when appropriate. This mostly results in complimenting strangers I'm almost guaranteed to never see again. One day

as I'm working at the grocery self-checkout I see a woman with a sun tattoo on her arm. The tattoo is the crest of a fictional kingdom from a movie i love why would you okay i don't know why you needed to anonymize that but that's fine i in passing said i love your tattoo thanks i love you by far my favorite customer experience

Of the day Thanks for your story Well I mean yeah if you're working at self checkout Most of your customer experiences aren't that good Yeah Just pointing to the little camera they put on there So you don't steal I love you

So that was a grocery checkout story From the kind strangers category. And I know you're riveted, so let's actually keep going exactly along those lines. We're going to switch over to Team Jacob now for another story about grocery checkouts, where, and you wouldn't think this is possible, even less happens. This is, in fact, emphasized by the story's title, which is, quote, the best part of the story is what doesn't happen.

This time your narrator is Heelys. I was at my favorite grocery store late one evening. Just the best. Wow. They had been short- There's white rules! Fuck yeah! Look at all these prices! Hell yeah! Woo! They had been short-staffed for several months now, so long lines at the checkout were expected, but this time, I approached the front of the store to find only one register open, addition to the self-checkout.

I was ninth in line. Everyone ahead of me had very full carts, and two families had two full carts. Okay, cool. Sound off! And then there was like another guy he had a half full cart, and another guy a quarter full cart.

Anyway, I didn't recognize... Yeah, I was approximating. I didn't like a fifth if i'm being honest yeah i i was approximating i didn't recognize the cashier and thought she might be a new hire i could tell it'd be an even longer wait uh-huh yeah you mean the story i tagged all of the employees and this one didn't have the didn't have the little yellow nip fortunately people were not particularly mad about it, even as several more joined the line behind me, which now curved around the end

of the aisle and out of my sight. There was some grumbling and sighing, but no one yelled or demanded a manager. Ten or fifteen minutes later, I had reached the third position in line. An employee approached me to say that they were opening another register, and I was invited to be first in line there.

Wow. They unhooked the rope. That's right. And I, saint that I am, gratefully accepted, and several other people followed me. Because you're a leader. I began

unloading my groceries and greeted the cashier just as she turned on the lane light. Me! Thanks for coming to rescue us from that long line! Of course, and thank you for being patient. She rang up my purchases, and I paid and started begging. The guy behind me, who had been low-key complaining to another customer about the wait, started unloading his groceries. Hey, thanks for working so hard. I bet this job isn't as easy as it looks.

Because it looks fucking easy. You're right, but it's not too bad. As I was leaving, the next group started unloading their groceries. Sorry about the wait. Are you out of the door listening? Meh, don't worry about us. It could have been worse. You're doing a great job. It was so refreshing

to hear that many people just deal with a slight inconvenience. Hold on. I'm getting to the good part. Oh, okay, great. It was so refreshing to hear that many people just deal with a slight inconvenience patiently instead of taking out their frustration

on the underpaid and underappreciated employees trying to help them. End of story! Fuck! Well, yeah, it's all of their favorite grocery stores. Why would they be mad? Jesus Christ! Is this my punishment for not doing the grocery shopping with you? I'll do it next time.

Promise. Oh my god. I also feel like the best part of this story is what doesn't happen could be the title of every single story on Not Only Great. It's the narrative you're not hearing. I really can't get over this image

of this first, of this the author just sort of hanging out with their cart at the door, just sort of listening to the next. When you got such an electric vibe happening like that, you got to be part of it. Yeah, he's just nodding at the camera like that mountain man in that one gif. Walk to door, open the door, camera pans in, they pause for a moment and cock their ear to listen. And when they hear the positivity, they just smile. And then the credits roll. Yeah.

I don't even want to go home. Can I stay here all day? With all of you. That's why there was such a line in the first place. No one wanted to leave. What a non-event. Alright, that's two grocery store checkout stories down, so

now we're going to switch over to the world of baristas. This next one coming up here is a story which is titled A Mocha Kappa Frappa Happy Ending. And I am certain that the narrator of the story is actually trying to come across as likable. Despite, you know.

Both groups read this one, and in this one our narrators, John Toast and Positive Stress respectively, had very different takes. So I'm going to be using both readings in this one, and let's see how that goes. We're going to start things off with John Toast. I am by no means a coffee snob or purist. I just like it light and sweet, while most of the coffee shops around me, both chain and individual,

seem to start their roasts at twice burnt dirt and go darker from there with no amount of milk or sugar saving it. So you're saying you only go to Starbucks. I'm getting angrier at the people in this episode than I am at the legitimately terrible people that we read about sometimes. Well, there might be a crossover, honestly. Is it because I was being so negative

about the coffee shops near me? Yeah. Starbucks is great. Stop. Well, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa Who said anything about Starbucks They've got Thrice burnt dirt and people love it Well they do Edit these before post them

So they did move the bit where they said that they don't go to the other Coffee shops near them because they employ minorities So Next door coffee. I just get my favorite light roast and make it at the office and pour it in my own excessive amount of milk

and sugar. As the only place I drink it is at work. I just get my favorite light roast and make it at the office and pour it in my own... Sorry, I got so bored. And pour it in my own excessive amount of milk and sugar as the only place I drink it is at work. Wow.

Wow. That's not even the end of the story. Inspiring. This particular day is different. It's inventory day, which means we have to show up two hours early and get thrown right into the mix with no time to sit down and make a cup. Good news. A new place is open in just a couple of blocks from home on the road to work. Better news.

The menu is in plain English. Yeah. What? Okay. Well, let me clarify. That's Italian. Well, it's, let me clarify. Look at that fucking Italian. Well, it explains what the different mocha capa frappa things mean for plebs like me.

Oh, it's not like in riddles? I'm sick of all these menus in Cockney rhyming slang. It's in plain English and not old English. Bad news. Oh no. They have eight different blends. Oh no. I just know the difference.

Oh God. So I left. They have eight different blends that all have different flavor notes and suggested foods to go with but nothing about how light or dark or strong or smooth they are. Fuck.

What do you do? Well, I resign myself to asking questions and being that guy as little as possible. Yeah, I sure would hate to be the one who says, hey, what does this taste like? Hi, it's my first time in here, so I apologize for this order.

Um, okay. Is that a problem? Nothing with you. I'm just in here an hour and a half before my alarm would go off. Oh my god, am I being robbed? I'm sleep deprived. I've got a headache. And I have no idea. I have no idea about the finer points of coffee.

Oh man, you're sure not that guy. I know, right? I'm really trying to avoid it. My wife's a bitch. She hasn't sucked my dick in four months. I'd like the biggest cup of whichever is your lightest roast with extra cream and extra sugar. Get the fuck

out of here! Sorry. Hi, it's my first time in here, so I apologize for this order. Uh, okay. Is there a problem? Nothing with you. I'm just in here an hour and a half before my alarm would go off. I'm sleep deprived.

I've got a headache. Thank you. No, I need all of this. Yeah, I'm doing my job. Okay, basically. Did you break up with your girlfriend recently? See, it's inventory day, which means we have to show up two hours early and get thrown right into the mix with no time to sit down and make a cup. And I have no idea about the finer points of coffee i'd like the biggest cup of whichever is your lightest roast with extra cream and extra sugar please please sir just whatever

is your lightest room please don't hit me if that kind of day already once Once a year, yep. What? Okay. Well, you've described our breakfast blend. Do you like caramel or chocolate? I like either or both, but I'm on a bit of a budget. I'm not looking for any extra frills. What the fuck? Okay, no, I'm sorry. I appreciate it, but that 50 cents

will kill me. Pump of Tarani syrup. Now I own your ass! I'm sorry. Okay. She takes a bit of extra time to get my simple cup together, and just as I'm about

to ask about it, I hear the whipped cream going off. Um, excuse me, I said nothing extra. Don't worry. The whipped cream's free. Well, that's good to know. Then she sets it down and I notice the dark and light brown squiggles over the top and insides of the cup. Okay, I know for a fact that syrups aren't free.

It's my first time in here and I know that. I'm not that guy. Well, technically no, but it's your first time here. You sound like you need it. And the boss says we each get one good customer. Bonus per shift. Oh, my God. Thank you.

And thank the boss for me, too. You just did. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha You know, it really makes you think sometimes a barista and a woman can be a boss. Ma'am, I will write about you online. And that is how a good boss who covered the early shift during the grand opening week ended up with a fairly regular customer. Fairly regular customer. Okay, not just fully. I went there two more times.

I mean, you put an extra squirt in there for me, maybe I'd be regular, but come on. Until they had to shut down during the later waves of the health crisis, hopefully just temporarily. Wow, inspiring. The story about getting extra sugar was very

health and inspiring. How come you skipped over the part where you tipped her? You seem to skip over that part. Yeah, funny that. Where somebody in the service industry provided you service that you enjoyed and you appreciated that service with a tip? When did that happen? If I tipped, then there wouldn't have been any point of the free squirt.

Yeah. I said thank you on the internet. I wouldn't be saving. Yeah. I wrote a story about it. 890 upvotes. That's a pretty good tip for me. Oh, thanks.

No frills means no tip. I love that you were like, she did this thing out of the kindness of her heart, and I kept going back to that coffee shop. Yeah, what's the point of customer service again? I don't know. And next time, she did charge me for it, and it did throw me into debt. And I showed them, I started shoplifting everything until they had to go out of business. All of those stories were in a section that, and this is how Lucky Numbers

chose to format this document, the first section was called Unbelievably Boring. The second section, and spoiler, the second section

does have an applause break in it eventually, the second section is called Wisdom of the Youth. And we're going to start things off here with Adam Bozarth at a wedding.

And in this story, the protagonist demonstrates that he is better than a small child at eating cupcakes. Adam? Literally in the middle of several cornfields on a gravel road off a tarmac road. I'm having a grand time at the reception, occasionally making conversation with folks I really don't know, especially the father of a young boy. This young boy could not be older than four. This kid was an absolute goblin.

And his dad was taking every punch. Sometimes literally. He was the calmest, nicest, most patient father that you could ever meet. As his son was blowing him up with dynamite sticks. His son was being kind of loud and rowdy. But his dad wasn't angry. He kept telling his kid calmly that it wasn't the time for applause yet. Okay, now it was the time for applause.

It was rather adorable. At one point, the entire table was accused of something by this child. Stealing my gold! As I said, he was a little goblin. He was taunting an owl bear. He was feeding people green pudding so they could eat their flesh. Oh my god.

There were miniature cupcakes served at this wedding, and of course, the kid made a beeline and grabbed a bunch of them. I noticed he was eating like any kid could frosting first then cake oh dear oh dear what oh dear a child at a wedding eating too much cake what and being more interested in the frosting Is there something weird about me noticing the kids eating cake? I respect a child that will consistently eat cake and frosting together, thank you.

This is pure goblin behavior. I hope he didn't tie his necktie around his head at some point. And there do well. At one point, his dad chuckled and grabbed the cupcake wrapper. He showed his son how to peel the cupcake wrapper away to reveal more cupcake. The son was awed, slack-jawed, and goggle-eyed. He called his father a magician and proceeded to eat every crumb.

The kid ended up eating a couple of cupcakes in this manner. Frosting first, then the visible cake, and then his father would peel the rest, and the kid would scarf every last morsel. In other news, it rained once. Yeah, it's like, okay, four-year-old kid needs his cupcakes peeled for him. Sure. Okay. This is an inspirational story.

Oh, okay. Great. I decided that if this kid wanted to see a real magician. Uh-oh. Dot, dot, dot, dot, I grabbed my own cupcake and a butter knife. I said,

may I enlighten your son? And by the time I finished the word son, I got punched. By the entire wedding. It was the father of the bride. May I enlighten your son as to the best way to eat a cupcake? His dad laughed and nodded. The kid stared at me and raptured.

I said, Okay, what you do is you peel the wrapping off first so you get the whole cupcake, right? Then you cut the bottom half horizontally and then you take it apart like this, you see? And then you flip the bottom half over and then you make yourself Don't do this.

a frosting sandwich. That's stupid. Okay, why would that have helped? It's a frosting sandwich. It's the same amount. You just lost some frosting. You just smooshed it up more. No, it's in the middle.

You just smooshed it. Yeah. No, it's in the middle. You just smush it. Yeah. You could take... I'm really glad that somebody streamlined eating a cupcake this way. You know, notoriously hard food to eat. Very complicated before.

Now it's a sandwich, so it's easier to hold. You just need a knife. Yeah. You just need to give a knife to a four-year-old. Yeah, knife. Take about two minutes to carve off this thing. Squish the hell out of it in the process. Anyway.

Right. There's so much frosting on those things, it's just going to... Never mind. Can I get back to my story about how I'm more interesting than this kid's dad? This has the tag of unfiltered. I was totally pwning this dad in front of his own son. Is it not legal, though? It's got the tag of friendly.

I then took a bite to show how delicious it was. The dad was grinning, and the kid simply stared, eyes bigger than the moon, jaw on the table. In his best goblin voice, he growl-screamed to his father, Get me another cupcake! Get me another cupcake! Father, laughing! No! father laughing now see what you've done i like that the father would have just said it said laughing laughing ha ha disappointed disappointed they tried it a couple of times

with varying degrees of success yeah it's almost like this is the worst way to eat a cupcake shut up you're so critical fucking cupcake hacks that pops up in social media

I saw it I saw it on t, I saw it on TikTok and it's better. Troom Troom presents 17 ways to eat cupcake. And it's got that like treacly like music behind it. Like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

You have been eating cupcakes wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. There's a story in this doc called Nobody Makes a Monkey Out of Mum. And if you're noticing that this title used the British spelling and pronunciation of mum, I can tell you that Shell noticed that as well. And so Shell decided to read this whole story,

which could be summarized as I saw Mother do parenting once, with this voice. She puts her basket on the floor, out of the way. She then sits cross-legged next to the boy, gently puts a hand on his belly, and starts singing a happy little made-up tune in a beautiful, soft voice. There was a little monkey boy making lots of noise. A little noisy monkey boy making lots of noise. The people stopped and stared and put their hands over their ears. Oh, noisy little monkey boy, what's gotten into you?

That's good enough, because now we're going to be digging into a very not always right story called A Tale of Two Sitters. It's a story about the human condition, a story about taking care when to judge other people, and a story about Karens really speak this way. I like both versions, so you're going to be hearing both at different times. But you should know that it's also a story that takes place on the French metro. So... But yeah, so this is from France.

And I am on the metro, It's a subway during rush hour. Arriving at the station, I see a little girl with a bandaged leg and a crush getting into the car with her mother. Since there are no seats available, she stays up. A few seconds later, a young man dressed like a thug. Uh-oh. Yeah. Huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry. That's a tale of two sitters. Thank you. I got you, Frenchie. Appreciate it. Since there are no seats available, she stays up. Hey, narrator. Didn't you say that you're on the subway during rush hour?

I'm the subway. Yeah, so this girl with the bandaged leg and the crutch who's standing up, I wonder if there's something you could do about that. Well, the narrator was already hovering on the ceiling. No, no, I couldn't possibly because I was using all my energy to post on Not Always Right.

No, I have to sit here. I have to type it as it happens. Well, I can't stand. I'm using both hands to type. If I don't post this, then it's like it didn't happen, and whatever good comes, I can't stand. I'm using both hands to type. If I don't post this, then it's like it didn't happen, and whatever good comes from it isn't real. So anyway, a few seconds later, oh, I don't like

where this story's going. What, what, what, what, what? There's not going to be any coded racism coming up, is there? A young man dressed like a thug on a seat behind them calls to the mother. Now we're clear. Inspiring. I was racist, but I was wrong. Ma'am,

take my seat for your child. Oh, thank you. As soon as the young man gets up, however, a middle-aged lady in a business suit jumps onto his seat without saying a word. Ma'am, I gave my seat to the little girl, not to you. You should have said so.

You were right in front of me, and you clearly heard me. Besides, it's obvious this girl needs a seat more than you. What's your point? My point is that you're rude and impolite. Who the fuck do you think you are

To talk to me like that Do you know who I am It was amazing She really put that thug in his place I guess it goes to show you Know your role You little eff fuck My husband owns some big company Know your role. You little eff fuck.

My husband owns some big company. You know. You're thinking of Ubisoft. They own all the well-known food places. It's Ubisoft. My husband owns Ubisoft. My husband is a rabbit. I'm infinitely much richer and more powerful than you.

Oh, yeah. Now we're not always right. I'm a million. Yeah. I think this might be the truest story ever on this website. Grinning. I think this might be the truest story ever on this website grinning so powerful and rich you take the metro to go home the sound of me grinning grin

swing so powerful and rich okay this should not have been a comment read it how it's punctuated. Yeah, read it how it's written. So, powerful and rich, you take the Metro to go home.

Thank you. Stunt, the middle-aged lady looks like she's been struck by lightning. Oh, dear. She sheepishly leaves the car at the next station. Holy shit. Yeah, she does. Yeah, she does. People like, you know, the thing about people like that is when they're corrected, they do the next station. Holy shit. Yeah, she does. Yeah, she does.

People like, you know, the thing about people like that is when they're corrected, they do the right thing. It's true. Well, say it like literally like the hand, like a hand broke through the sky and stamped the word owned on her forehead. The young man then turns to the girl and her mother, who are literally speechless. The sound of me turning to the mother. Chunk, chunk. So wait, did they all just sort of stay in stasis until the train stopped? No, hang on. We got to get to the end of this really good story.

It's important. To the mother. Sorry for for that there's your seat the whole car cheered and applauded him whoever you are metro gentleman you have my thumbs up i don't want to nitpick but shouldn't he have been saying that to the child wasn't that the whole point of the story? The whole car cheered and applauded him! Yay! Next stop, GameStop! Where everyone

gets a free game! Whoever you are, Metro gentlemen, you have my thumbs up! Inspirational. That's French. Le boutique électronique.

I'll say that to the listener, to the podcast listener, it took us a couple takes to get through this for technical reasons, which meant that every time we had to do another take, my accent got worse! Or better. I disagree. I think you got to practice. More. It got more.

It definitely got more, whatever your opinion of the quality is. Into the next section now, and this is just a single story from Team Jacob. This one's titled That One Wholesome Coping Mechanism. Because one's titled That One Wholesome Coping Mechanism. Because one person's mental illness is another

person's content. Shell Games got this one. When I first started college in the early 2000s, people in my dorm warned me about a curious character that would randomly appear around campus at the wee hours of the morning. Usually two or three in the morning.

That's what the wee hours are, if you weren't sure. Wearing a teddy bear costume, So this is like a new like Zooey Deschanel pilot? It has been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, yeah, too long. People determined that it was highly probable that it was a female because of the physical stature of the mysterious person and because a few reported gathering a whiff of perfume when she hugged them yeah oh despite the fact that she had been doing it for years no one had any clue as to her identity or why she was doing it making it even more difficult was the fact that she didn't have a routine.

Each encounter was a complete chance encounter, and sometimes no one would see her for months. Even more interesting, if you tried to follow her and she noticed, she would immediately bolt and vanish with what appeared to be a planned escape route. It just sounds like it's a creepypasta. Well, it's creepy, yet fascinating. Oh, okay. It's a fascinating pasta.

I'm glad you told me it was fascinating because I was pretty bored. This is incredibly interesting. And inspiring, right, I assume, at some point? Yeah, it is And inspiring right I assume At some point I am so inspired to do this also now I won't tell them that this is you Actually I'm just inspired to always have an escape route

From any situation I didn't think much of it Until one night when I was heading home from hanging with some buddies, and right from behind a corner of a building ahead of me, a teddy bear head popped out. Oh, well, that's okay. You'll have to restart the night. That was a fucking timely joke. I really, I really, I committed as much as I should have to startled I froze and she

pranced out in front of me balloons tied to her wrist as everyone said and started doing little jumps in the air and waving at me then as they said she would as it was written started doing little jumps in the air and waving at me. Then, as they said she would, as it was written,

she stretched her arms out for a hug. Not quite knowing how to react, I reached my arms out and she sprang forward and hugged me like we were best friends. She then waved goodbye and skipped away into the night.

Wow, this is a story. You're describing this like it's a yokai. Don't worry, there are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 more paragraphs. Oh my god. Yeah, no, she's got like the veil and she's got the scissors and yeah, you know. Red or blue balloon.

If she asks you if she's pretty, you can't say yes or no i know that's right yeah you're inspiring is what you're supposed to say and then clap over the next three years i had about four more random chance encounters with her each which i will describe in detail now yes each one chance encounters with her. Which I will describe in detail now! Yes, each one of them with her either prancing and skipping over to me and hugging me, or

popping up from behind a structure somewhere, doing a happy dance, and then stretching her arms out for a hug that is different than what I said before. Her mysterious identity continued to fascinate

the students on the campus to the point where there were mentions of her in the school newspaper and someone even offered a $50 reward to anyone who found her identity. That just makes me so sick. The part of the beauty of it is the mystery and you're just trying to ruin it for everybody stop trying to open the mystery bear

then one night i was out and noticed a figure bolting like a bat out of hell across the parking lot and fading into an adjacent wooded area oh moments. Moments later, I heard a sickening wailing and moaning emanating from the wooded area. Clearly, someone was injured. I made my way over to find the girl in the teddy bear costume laying on the ground, apparently having tripped over something and seriously injuring herself. I did nothing. No I did nothing I clapped you inspired me there are still four more paragraphs

I did something I helped her up and partially carried her back out into the parking lot as she had apparently broken her ankle. I phoned for an ambulance and as we waited, I eventually coaxed her

into taking off the headpiece of the costume. Hmm. Everyone was correct that it was indeed a female. And interestingly, but not surprisingly, she looked like

any average girl in her late teens to early twenties. We need to have a conversation about what you find interesting. Oh, well, I'm not finished being interested in things yet, so we'll have to have it after that. Okay.

She refused to answer any questions about her identity or what her motive behind all of this was. This Disco Elysium DLC sucks. Don't worry, it's going to get even more inspirational in this next paragraph when i called the police a few days later to make sure that she was okay i was told that while she was virtually unheard of amongst the student population she was actually known throughout the local police department as it turns out she suffered from schizophrenia, and to remove some of her psychotic episodes, she found it soothing to give people hugs. Oh my god. Oh my god.

This is inspiring. I knew this from the first sentence! No! No, I need to explain to you why it's inspiring that a woman with schizophrenia needed hugs. Right, okay. Because I was there! Exactly! Thank you, you get it. Why she chose

the nearby college campus, and always late at night, to do that was not immediately clear. Yeah, I can't imagine. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. The schizophrenic person who is in a manic episode is planning this thing out in advance and is doing it for tactful reasons.

Yes, yes. No, the convenient cover of night is not soothing or anything. It doesn't make it easier to do. But they guess that she chose to dress up in a teddy bear suit to make herself look more charming and less threatening to other people. Ah, yes. The one puzzle piece is all coming together. I've almost got it.

Hold on. Wait, no, don't spoil it for me. I almost have it. It's a boat. It's a boat. Just,

just dropping, just dropping a painting on your table and saying solved anyway I'm sure you're all waiting for the heartwarming conclusion well boy am I in more ways than one no one ever saw her again after that not of respect for the circumstances I chose to keep that

encounter and her identity secret until I posted here the end you don't know her identity what the fuck are you talking about? Yes, but I was still a very big person who kept it a secret. I stole her wallet, so I do. You didn't know her identity.

You didn't learn anything about her. You didn't learn anything about the situation at any point. I could have easily told everybody that she was schizophrenic. All of us learned nothing from your story. In order to respect her...

But don't you feel inspired? I chose not to follow her around the city yelling, Schizophrenic! Yeah. Ew! That was a very important growth moment for me.

The next section, lucky numbers include in this document, was called Christmas Miracles. For reasons I don't fully understand, the second group, which was Team Jacob, if you were keeping track, they were the only ones to read the Christmas section, and Team Edward did not. So we're going to get to the first story, which is called It Wasn't Just the Power Meter You Fixed That Night in just a few seconds. But before we get there, I want to tell you, do you remember the part in this episode edit where I called out Shell Games' British accent before immediately going to the next reading and getting to my French accent? Well, if you didn't call me a hypocrite back then, you're about to now.

Your narrator this time is Achilles Heelys. And you're an electrician and I'm your customer. I see that it also says Christmas comes for the Brits. You don't, that's not, that's not a directive. That's not, you don't have to. You don't legally have to.

I mean, that's just a note from Monkey Numbers. I think we're just assuming that every story on this website is set in Britain. Heelys, are you feeling a little inspired? I am feeling inspired. Oh no. I'm an electrician and I go around to customers' homes when they're having power issues.

I'm working into the evening on Christmas Eve as we called it Crumble Eve with most customers being with most customers being generally horrid that they had to wait until December 24th to have someone come by but I'm doing my best

to make sure as many issues are fixed as possible so our customers can enjoy their Christmases I'm at my last customer of the day, scheduled as such, as she happens to live very close to me. It's a very old lady who opens a door to let me in,

explaining she pays for her electricity using a top-up meter, but the meter has been faulty lately. Would you like a cup of tea? No, thank you. What about a mince pie? Jesus Christ. It's Christmas

and they're making you work so late on Christmas Eve. This is just like a war that you're having with us, then, Lemon. It's okay, madam madam i'm just happy i can fix your power issues before the big day stereotypes mince pie yeah i know i know yeah yeah yeah my first two lines were would you like a cup of tea and then what about a mince pie what am i supposed to do? Or some roast ham? Or maybe a fox? Oh no, I'm drowning in figgy pudding. Thank you.

I was worried my Christmas dinner in the fridge would be ruined. Or as we call it, a lorry. I check the fridge to make sure that it's working. And I noticed the only items in there are a loaf of bread and some eggs. Oh good, it's another I'm inspired by a mentally ill person post. Yeah. I try not to make a comment, but it's obvious that I have noticed the sparse contents. It's all I can afford these days.

The pension doesn't cover as much as it used to. And then presumably I complain about Polish people for like 45 minutes. We were speaking with stereotypes, yes. Definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this all you have to eat for Christmas? No!

No, no, no, no, no! I have a can of baked beans in the cupboard! Let's go! You're having beans on toast for Christmas? And a mince pie. Are we sure someone didn't write this just to make fun of the British? No. Do you have anyone bringing you food over Christmas?

It's just me. All my children live abroad now I see I finish the requirements of my job Making sure she has power And I head home as soon as I can I inform my husband of the situation as soon as possible And he agrees we need to do something

We drive back over and she is surprised to see us Is there a problem with Demeter? Because there is problem with Romanians. Bloody Romanians. Mrs. Customer's name, this is my husband, and if it's okay with you, we'd like to invite you

to Christmas dinner tomorrow with our family. Fuck you. If you didn't have... If you didn't have plans, that is. It takes a moment for what we ask to sink in for the old lady. She's a juxtaposition of being

overly British and not wanting to be a bother. Wait, wait, wait, wait. That's a juxtaposition? Yes. But also... But also a lonely old lady who is in desperate need of some company. Okay. All right. All right. Yep. Okay. All right. I, I, I, I don't, I don't know. I, I.

You see, we only live five minutes down the road and we can come by and pick you up for lunch. We can have you back at your house whenever you feel like coming back home. Never. I, I, I think I would like that very much. Wonderful. Wonderful. My name is my name. I believe you mean brilliant

Yeah Blimey hell Blimey My name is my name and this is Husband's name We'll be by tomorrow at 11 Question mark apparently Um

And then they do There's a whole bunch about how they do I do the thing that we Described but then yeah And then they do. There's a whole bunch about how they do that. It's like, I do the thing that we described, but then, yeah, take the very last sentence. We can't wait to see what we do for her for Easter. We've adopted an old lady. I mentioned Boxing Day just to make sure, and Christmas pudding, just so you know. We took the eggs out of her fridge and started hiding them all over the place you're welcome no it's i mean it's british easter so instead of like

doing uh doing something like hiding eggs they just went to the country and christened every baby that existed there goth christmas goth christmas goth christmas goth christmas Goth Christmas. Goth Christmas. Goth Christmas. Goth Christmas. This is a story about people who are very British. Goth Christmas. I have a bit of holiday trauma from an abusive, overly religious stepmother. My father usually deliberately worked on holidays to avoid her religious fanaticism, but allowed her to burn gifts we got that weren't religious enough.

Oh, no, this is America. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've heard some stories about some British mothers lately that make me think. As such,

I'm not a big fan of Christmas, and as an adult, I don't celebrate it for years. And then I guess I do. Interesting tense to your sentence there. I celebrate like one year every five. This is the screenplay. You know what?

I actually celebrate Christmas only as like one day instead of like several years. So this isn't in America. When I marry my wife this is really starting to feel like a feel like a i'm sharing a story on the fetish website that really happened to me generally speaking when i marry my wife, when I marry my wife. Yeah. When I marry my wife, who loves Christmas and has a religious mother, I brace myself for the holidays. And I guess

when I don't marry my wife, I don't brace myself for the holidays. Oh, honey, I found the perfect tree. Trying to fake enthusiasm. Oh, cool. Try harder. Wife, show him what you found. Trust me, cool. Try harder. Wife, show him what you found.

Trust me, you'll like this. That's a mother-in-law. My wife drags in a completely black tree. Stunned. Is that a black tree? I didn't even know those were a thing. Gough Christmas, Gough Christmas, Gough Christmas. I didn't even know those were a thing Goth Christmas Yeah I've always wanted a black tree But mom prefers real trees

Which don't come in black But I found this one At work on clearance And these ornaments Are those Dragons You got dragon Christmas ornaments Yeah well I know you love Dragons Are those dragons? You got dragon Christmas ornaments?

Yeah, well, I know you love dragons. Plus, I figured we could get a skull tree topper or something. And I work with a woman that makes custom wrapping paper. Just by coincidence. So I figured we could order some Of that And wrap our gifts in it She does coffins Bats Blood spatters

You can just buy that shit You don't need to get that shit custom Okay I might be coming around on Christmas now I did find an angel Tree topper for you, though. She proudly pulls out a weeping angel

from Doctor Who. Oh, what the fuck? Is there a checklist? So, I guess it wasn't America after all. No, no, no. It could just as easily have been America. Not weeping angel angel it's not what do you think i think that for the first time period i'm actually excited about decorating for

christmas do i not know what goth means it means dragons and doctor who black black yeah yeah yeah no i mean have you not been to an aesthetics wiki lately like come on yeah yeah i think that for the first time period is a good sentence too just powerful on its own our holiday wreath has flowers and skulls on it and none of the religious family members batted an eye when they saw our decorations. Oh, this bullshit again. So you were wrong. Sounds like you misjudged them. So, yeah, you could have been doing this the whole time.

Oh, is this all you wanted? Like, whatever. They're like, oh, is this all you wanted? Like, whatever. My wife's preacher grandfather even asked us where we got our bat wrapping paper because he loved it so much. He's my grandfather and my preacher. And ordered some for himself. I look forward to Christmas now.

It turns out we're all a bunch of fucking dorks. Yay! Hi, my name's Werewolfling. Hey, Werewolfling. I collected anime Gashapon figures and converted them into ornaments. Thanks for telling me that. So I would have an anime-themed tree. Wow, yeah.

I haven't had one in a few years, though. My old tree aggravated my dust allergy too much. Sorry, I had to come here since Experience Project shut down. God, you know, I think about two minutes ago when I didn't know that, and now I do. It's like a pre-9-11, post-9-11 thing, right? It's like everything's changed

now. It's true. I love your fursona. Now, Lemon, you know you can turn your Gashapon figures into ornaments. Why, all of them? I mean, come on. One last entry from the Not Always Right Christmas category. This one is called Santa Go Psycho.

All right. So this one's pretty straightforward. So, Heelys, you are working at a store. You're stocking Christmas ribbon, okay? I do that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're stocking Christmas ribbon, and I come up to you. You two ladies look like you could help me. Sure, what do you want to know?

I'm looking for a tree. Okay. The trees are in the back of the store under the seasonal sign. No, no. Let me finish. I want a tree. It's circular, but it's a tree. And it's circle, but it's only a half circle, but it's a tree.

Oh, and you hang it from your window, and it's a tree. Oh, and you hang it from your window. And it's a tree. And a circle. Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot also. And it's a tree. And a tree.

And you hang it on your window, but it's only a half circle, but it's a circular tree. A wreath no no what the fuck it's a circle and a tree

and it's a circle and a half circle and you hang it on your window uh I'm sorry but I have no idea what you're talking about you don't know what that is? No. Sorry, sir.

Well, is there someone else here that could help me? There are other people here, but with that description, I doubt anyone will be able to help you. Oh, what the fuck? Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Pivot, turn on heel. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Pivot, turn on heel. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Oh, by the way, do you sell Jell-O here? Oh, no, we're a craft store, not a grocery store. Well, people use Jell-O for crafts. Damn, that's so true. Oh, sorry. Seriously, they hire fucking idiots here. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Wow, they hire fucking idiots here! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Wow, what a story.

I will say, yeah, what a story. That is the most believable one we've read so far. Yeah, yeah. All right, time for the last section of this doc, and this last section is titled Nerds. You better believe that both groups read the entire Nerds section. So, I'm gonna

put this question to you, the listener, right now. Just contemplate. Just contemplate in this moment. I've got two different things we could read. The first one is titled What We Wouldn't Give to See That Cosplay.

The second one is titled What We Wouldn't Give to See That Cosplay. The second one is titled A Bunch of Words in Klingon. So which one would you... Yeah, it's a false choice. Nutshell? Hi, I, the person in this story,

not Nutshell, who would never do this, play Dungeons & Dragons with a group of friends. We do it at a specific house because he's the only homeowner among us right now. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Fuck all landlords. They won't let people play D&D. I need you to be on

the same page as me about why we were in a location. You do an activity in a place? Alright. Well, there's gonna be a door involved, so you just need to know that that door is attached to a wall. You do an activity in a place? Alright. Well, there's gonna be a door involved, so you just need to know that that door is attached to a wall. That would have thrown me, because I would have been like, what the fuck, a door? Are you in a room?

Oh, this explains the title of the game. The game. A story, which I can't pronounce. Ooh, I want to. Yeah, go for it. Yeah, please. Ooh, I want to. Yeah, go for it. Yeah, please. Actually, I'll wait until Nutshell reads the sentence,

and then you will see the prompt. My friend speaks Klingon and answered Doran Klingon, his standard way of dealing with solicitors. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Klingon, ho, dah, dah, kamusa. That's how you say hello What an inefficient language

Yes hi my name is John Toast I grew up on Next Generation and I watch a lot of Deep Space Nine Thank you I'll be here all episode So did I but I don't speak Klingon buddy Well you haven't watched it as deeply as he has I guess not Well fucking kapla then Kapla as he has. Well, fucking kaplaw then.

Kaplaw. To our surprise, the salesman answered back in Klingon as well. Yeah. And that's when I picked up my bat lift. My friends wound up buying whatever it was after the salesman was able to do

the whole pitch in Klingon! This happened, but I don't remember what it was. My friend invited the salesman to join us at D&D next week. He accepted. Three years later, they're married. The salesman also isn't working door-to-door anymore. He now manages social media accounts for a company. Fuck.

Alright. What a lateral move coffee is for closers oh oh i can't tell you on says do you speak klingon love you by the way wow wow and she did and she did yeah And I love your tattoo. I mean, I'm honestly kind of surprised that this wasn't. I play tabletop RPG. Is this sponsored? My friend who speaks fluent constructed language for a television show.

All right. This one is your very last reading for the episode Also from the nerds section This one takes place in an elementary school And this one is titled Higher, further, faster, baby For reasons that are completely beyond me I'm including the readings from both groups here

Because both seem equally exasperated by this, but John Tose and I are your first-person narrators. I used to have a classmate whose first name was Marvel. Why aren't you applauding? You had to get special permission from Not Always Right to post this. The story doesn't work if you don't know the name. Her sister was named Wonder. Yeah, I used to babysit a girl named Reality.

What do you want? You to like me? I don't. Okay. Can I tell you other things that other people have done? I mean, yeah, sure, why not? Can I stop you? So Marvel hated her name.

Especially all the jokes and teasing we made at her expense. In fact... In fact, I'm the one who coined the nickname Marvelous Misfits, which our old teacher found so funny that he referred to our class that way for an entire year. Oh, you're a corker. Which our old teacher found so funny that she referred to our class that way for the entire year. Wow! You suck! teacher found so funny that she referred to our class that way for the entire year. Wow.

You suck. You made it in this fake story. You made an entire year's worth of school miserable for this fake. You're right. I am great. Yeah. No. Yeah. You're right.

I am actually very interesting. Like that's the best. Why? That's why my halter top says you're right. I am very interesting. Even more interesting with this next paragraph. Many moons and years later, I bring my daughter for her first day at school, my old elementary school to be precise, and guess who is her homeroom teacher?

It's Marvel, dressed up as Captain Marvel. Okay. Yeah, no. Hi, kids. My name is Marvel Surname, and I'm the Marvelous Homeroom Teacher of you Marvelous Misfits. Hi, kids. My name is Marvel Surname, and I'm the Marvelous Homeroom Teacher of you Marvelous Misfits. So later.

Hi, Marvel. I don't suppose you remember me? I'm... Oh, your name? My name. Wow. It's been a while. Yeah, I must say, I didn't expect this of you.

The teaching? Or the marvelous puns? Both. But let's focus on the jokes. You used to hate them so much. Okay, that's how she starteds. Both. But let's focus on the jokes. You used to hate them so much. Okay. Oh, okay. That's how she started class. Yeah.

Yeah, no. And I knew this because, you know, I sat, I just sort of sat there the first day of school the entire time. I assume this is the first time she's ever done this because she's still allowed to teach a class. I'm the Marvelous Homeroom teacher of you marvelous misfits. I have three quests for you. She's dressed as Captain Marvel, which made the kids go, which one is that one?

I didn't see that one. It seemed boring. Okay, okay. So later, after this fucking real thing that she said, I went up to her and I said, hi, Marvel. I don up to her and I said, Hi, Marvel. I don't suppose you remember me,

but I'm... Ah, my name. Linda! Wow, it's been a while. No, I'm not your name. I'm my name. I'm not Marvel. Yeah, I must say,

I didn't expect this of you. The teaching or the marvelous puns? Well, both. But let's focus on the jokes. You used to hate them so much. Yeah, no, you're right. This does need like a Big Bang Theory. 20 seconds.

Well, I figured that if I couldn't avoid them, laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter And I have to wear it all the time. It's great. I'm super fine. Yeah. It's what my sister Wonder does. She's the life of every party. Wonderful. Okay, so Marvel was a great teacher. She made school fun and enjoyable for her students.

Really stimulated their interest and encouraged their hobbies. But she also got every single student of hers hooked on the Marvel Cinematic Universe. So she wasn't a great teacher. Hold for applause. Come on. Come on. What other movies are these kids able to watch? What the fuck? She got all these kids hooked on air.

Somehow she managed to get them to watch the movies that were the only movies in the theater at the time of her teaching them. How did she do it? Marvel was a great teacher She made school fun and enjoyable for her students, really stimulated their interest and encouraged their hobbies. She also got every single student of hers hooked on the Marvel

Cinematic Universe Thanks Marvel, appreciate that Some to an exasperating degree but that's another story Fuck God damn it but that's another story fuck god damn it if I

typed into chat GPT write me something that's lemon kryptonite it would be just this exactly it's from the DC universe you idiot and that's the end. 400 episodes of VF Plus are now out there for your listening experience? Pleasure?

I don't know if you know this, but if you go to thefbl.us slash stats, you can get a whole bunch of statistical information about our show. Like, how many episodes has this person appeared statistical information about our show, like how many episodes has this person appeared in, or like how many documents has this person made. Those sort of things. And as of this recording, if you were to go through the entire catalog

one by one, which to be clear, I do not recommend you doing that, but if you did that, it would take you 21.5 days. That's 21 days, 12 hours of total runtime of BF+, going through the entire RSS feed, and that's actually completely separate from garbage day marathons. From this whole thing, what did I learn?

I mean, nothing that we haven't already stated in this and our two other Not Always Right episodes. These stories have a myriad of problems, but it's the lack of narrative cognizance that's always the most startling to me. Like, characters exist, or at least a character exists, because they always want to cast first-person narrator as being lovable,

but the very concept of an anecdote just eludes this entire community. And I look through the site right now, and I think maybe they just wanted somebody to talk to? They didn't have a partner to come home to after a long six hour shift at GameStop and say, I had this customer who was a total idiot. And that story would have been boring, but the listener that listened to it would have

liked that person enough that it wouldn't have mattered. They'd have shared that boring story. They'd have had some udon noodles. They'd have played Monster Hunter. It would have been alright. Instead, we have this Reddit-like experience where people are leaving comments, chasing clout and upvotes

despite every story being completely unattributed anyway. And so, there's several concentric circles of what's the fucking point. And if you want to know what's the fucking point, you can go to BallFit. Actually, another piece of business I want to share with you.

You might have noticed that the F Plus episodes are up on YouTube, and they definitely are. A substantial percent of our catalog, probably more than 80% of our catalog, playable on the YouTube platform. If that's the way you'd prefer to consume F Plus episodes, you go right ahead. By all means, I've done that since putting those up there.

But there's one thing you should know, which is that anything that's over there, that's not owned by us. It's owned by YouTube. So therefore, some episodes will go missing. Some episodes are going to have mid-roll ads. Some episodes might get yanked, or they might get muted sections because there's music in there that we don't have the rights to.

The point is, we own the files, and we own the RSS feed, and all of that is under our control. But we don't own YouTube. So what happens over there is a secondary experience. I need to mention the song I've been using here for this whole episode is You're My Chocolate by Savages. That's Savages, the Hungarian producer, not Savages, the British post-punk band. You're My Chocolate is on the 2008 Savages album Five Finger Discount, which is terrific in a lo-fi beats-to-study kind of way. And

there we go! 400. So, let's see where it goes from here, yeah? Alright. Bye-bye. I'm at a restaurant with my family and the waitress is taking our drink orders. How about you? Do you have any strawberry lemonade? I'm sorry, we don't. That's okay. All of us bite, please.

When she comes back with our drink order, she saves mine for last. Guess what? I found some strawberry flavoring in the kitchen. She plunks down a strawberry lemonade in front of me. It tasted amazing. It's been over a decade since then, but I still smile at her doing something she absolutely didn't have to, just to make a kid smile. It's been over a decade? Over a decade? Over a decade!

I guess this person hasn't had that many good experiences in their life. Man, somebody poured Tarani syrup into a glass. And that was a shining, shining moment of kindness in a cruel world for this person. Every other day, she's literally being kicked in the head. Last 10 years. Strawberry lemonade? What are you talking about?