The F Plus - 401: Travel Morons

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

While the internet has made us more interconnected, the world remains a massive place. And travel is a way to build a greater understanding of The Human Condition: To live among others in unfamiliar settings and experiences, you can learn more about yourself, and grow to be a more compassionate and empathetic person. Like, hypothetically. Or you could just go on Trip Advisor and write a poem about getting drunk in Cabo San Lucas. Your call. This week, The F Plus is all DIRTNASTY.

You dress so sexy, slutty but nice. You come in big spurts, not once, but twice. Or thrice. Oh, you're going to read it for us now. That's good. Yeah, thanks. Well. Now boarding Zone 1 for the F Plus podcast.

Zone 1, Terrible Things, read with enthusiasm. We are still looking for the passport of Boots Rangier. At the end of the day, Mike, it's your time you're wasting. And finally, as for the spelling, I'm not one to take this website so seriously that I look for typing errors, as I assume you do. Come quads up!

For those of you who are offended by that, unless you've been to Philly and had a real cheesesteak, shut up! Nutshell Gulag! Zarla! I love the music, I love the culture, I even saw a great big vulture. And Lemon. My interests are massive cock and cum, BDSM, crochet crochet stamps of the world. Okay.

That de-celerated quickly. You want to get the hard stuff out of the way first, and then you can ease out. It's a refractory period. Oh, stamps. Oh, stamps. One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. Not much between despair and ecstasy. One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble.

Hey, F+. Hi. Hello. Oh, hi. Hey, would all of you consider yourselves worldly? No. Yes. Yeah. I've lived pretty much in one state my entire life.

I'm galactically. You know what? Yeah. Universally. What medallion are you? Are you a diamond medallion? Silver medallion? On the rocket ships?

Yeah. He's a rocket man. Well, we are going to be journeying all over the world, or at least going with travelers all over the world, because we've got a document here put together by a couple that has given us a bunch of really great documents, Sinestro and Ludwig Tickenstein. Fun to say every time.

But this document is called Fear and Low Reviews in Las Vegas. And I'm just going to read the synopsis right here from the doc. Traveling the world is expensive. You can stay at home and read about other people's travel experiences for a nominal monthly fee to an ISP. That sounds like a great bargain to me, because I would never want to be stuck in a plane with any of these dipshits in today's document.

In case you couldn't tell, we're reading travel websites. TripAdvisor.com, Fodors.com, which is really a pretty lousy site And then an ancient hyperboard called Family Travel Forums through the Wayback Machine And some more that I'll call up when we get to the section But I don't want to ruin the surprise So we're going to start off here at TripAdvisor And what we're going to be doing here, what we're going to be doing I don't think we need a lot

of preamble. We're just going to kind of like learn about people's travel experiences and be better citizens of this planet. You know, they make fun of us in North America for being sort of secluded and we don't have passports or whatever. So I feel like we're going to be better citizens of the world

by the end of this document. So to that end, I'm going to just start off things, if that's end of this document so to that end um surely i'm going to just start off things if that's all right with you because i want to talk about orlando oh boy okay all right starting off real strong okay so i'm jennifer um i'm for orlando and advantage car rental i had a prepaid full-size car rental for Advantage Car Rental on Narcosi Road, Orlando, Florida. No problem with knowing where the rental office was

or with getting on the shovel as I am a Florida regular. You're a regular to Florida. Yeah, regular to Florida, yeah. It's fine. They don't have much of a dress code. Well, they do actually have a dress code. You must be,

you must be old and Canadian. Or old and Midwestern, yep. Or old and Northeastern, yeah, absolutely. The problem with the Advantage car rental office,

colon, colon, they are bullies! I had my insurance declaration with me. This was a prepaid reservation on a prepaid, you either accept or decline their insurance. I had declined it. And my printout showed that.

Well, be prepared to be bullied, readers of this review. No. You're stupid. No. You're stupid. No. Be prepared to be bullied and be told that they will not rent to you unless you purchase their insurance bearing in mind that this is already paid

if we had not had a rough day with cancelled flight to begin with and it was not late as it was. Trust me. I would have had them refund me and I would have called a cab to take me one mile down the road to the next rental agency, which I recommend everyone does if you do not want to be

bullied into buying something that you do not want to buy and already refused it on your prepaid reservation. I did get rather upset and told the girl she was not helping our day and I am older than her. What?

Mom said I didn't need insurance. That's a winning argument. Oh, I am sorry, madam. I defer to you. And I had never had an accident in my life. She then gave me second driver free and a free upgrade, which was a nice SUV. But no customer should have to go through that.

You know, the thing that I've just described, the terrible thing. You remember how I described this terrible thing that happened? Nobody should have to go through that in order to feel good about where they are and who they are renting from. Needless to say, because they feel they are all that and want to bully customers, I will not rent from Advantage Rental Car ever again!

Try being nice to your customers and stop being bullies, Advantage! So angry she's clipping off into the universe. Not getting insurance on a rental vehicle seems like a bad idea in general.

What are you, like a bully advocate? Yeah, exactly. You're working for Big Rental, aren't you? Boots, can you take the response to my review from Sun sun god please yeah i'm sun god let me get this straight you've got the hard sell that will happen with every rental company and you got a free upgrade and you still complain why does this never happen to me i would probably listen to brooklyn bridge sales pitch for a free upgrade. Let me also ask how much cheaper Advantage was than the major companies. Yeah, I agree.

You should read from somebody else. I'm very conflicted here, apparently. I make no sense. And Sarla, take a Hawkeye Tough 88. Do you people read? Does Emmett's give a card to people with no insurance? I'm Jennifer again. No, Hawkeye.

We don't know how to read or write. What a stupid question. What if that's Hawk as in like Ethan Hawk? So Hawk, you're tough. HawkyTuff. Shows where your understanding is shaking my head. Fuck you!

That's all. I'm going to go to another thing. We're already off of TripAdvisor. Wow, that happened fast. We're already off of TripAdvisor. Oh, God. So come quass up. Matt is a guest.

And Matt has a question about Cancun, right? Him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him. Cancun questions? I am going to Cancun in June. How are the customs? Where is a good club with a bikini contest?

Just judge the bikinis? And are the majority of the women topless on the beach? Yes, because they left all their tops at the club to be judged. Gracias! I'll be back after the judging. Thank you you shopkeeper

Related to that nutshell Chris has a question about Valium Valium in drugstores? My boyfriend and I will be in Rome In the fall That's not your boyfriend My boy Oh dear My boy... Oh, oh dear.

My boy fried and I will be in Rome in the fall. We both heard that you... Your boy fried. My boy fried. I want to comment there. My boy fried and I will be in Rome.

As a consequence, I will be in Rome during the fall of Rome. For your agonies. We have both heard that you can get things like Valium and prescription drugs there at... There... And... Sorry.

My screen was too small. We have both heard that you can get things like Valium and Prescription drugs right in their CVS-type stores without a prescription. Is this true? CVS-type stores. I wish there was a name for those. You can get Valium and prescription without a prescription? Yeah. It's a great deal.

Is this true, and if it is, to what extent? Thanks, Chris. Yo, Triple X coming in here. Yeah, he's going to give it to you. X is going to give it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To what extent do you and your boy fried require drugs? Have you considered just writing or phoning in your prescriptions in your hometown?

This is a travel forum, not a junkie resort. Yeah, hello, CVS. My name's Dr. Chivago. That's a great name. This guy Chris needs some morphine, okay? When you get to Rome... I already forgot what voice I was using. Just check out...

I just adopted Juergen Booth's voice. When you get to Rome. Just check out the resources. Not to be overlooked, our folks on the street who did not ask for prescriptions or who can for a fee direct you to a pusher. Sorry.

A drug pusher. Everyone's so quick to judge. I am 22 and have been to Europe on three different occasions. Each time was worse than the other regarding jet lag.

Valium works best for me. Period. Thank you so much for your angry judgmental replies. Maybe you should try some Valium. Valium as a cure for jet lag, huh? Okay. I mean, I guess I would put you to sleep.

I guess, all right, fine. Wow, and this thread just goes on and on and on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just real quick, because as you mentioned, this does go on and on. But what does Bob Brown have to say? Okay. So, Chris, let me be quite blunt with you. The way you phrased your message and the way you misspelled several common words

opened the door for the type of attacking responses you received. Perhaps you did not check your spelling carefully, or perhaps you were unaware that I is commonly capitalized. Reversing the E and the R in prescription could be the result of untidy typing, and the use of extant rather than extent is perhaps a typographical error. Taken as a whole... Bob Brown, are you Chad GPT?

Wow, I, uh... Bob Brown got stuff that we didn't even pick up. Taken as a whole, the subject you addressed, plus the wording that you used, plus the misspellings that crept in, all combined to give the inquiry a poor tone. You can blame us for sharply worded responses, but I think a more appropriately worded message with crept spellings would have elicited a more friendly response. One lesson I learned in life the hard way is this.

The picture depends on the frame. Words do not only present the written picture of your ideas, but correctly spelled spelled they are also the frame And fabric of what you intend to convey Who made Clippy all talkative Get out of here When was this written Was this 15 years ago Oh it was It was 23 years ago

Oh wow That explains it Why is somebody caring this fucking much about it now Oh explains it. I was like, why is somebody caring this fucking much about it now? Oh. Wait, what is Chris's response? What is Chris's response? Yawning, picturing Bob

the Prattler going through his neighbor's garbage, looking for outgoing male degrade what are you the forum police actually yes excuse me don't like a post don't respond old busy body guaranteed to elicit a response from bob the official forum security guard just trying to help and this is the thanks I get? I am leaving. And after this massive slap fight, somebody posts,

to the powers that be at Fodor's, please remove this thread. It has nothing to do with travel. And somebody posts as Keith Richards and asks where they can score some horse. That's a decent gimmick poster, I guess. Hey, uh, what do you make of the English? In general

What do you make of the English? Muffins You make muffins out of English? English muffins Oh that's how they're made. Okay, that makes sense. I've been to France and Ireland, but I'm making my first trip to England soon,

and frankly, I don't know what to make of these people. So mysterious. So layered. You guys watch a TV show where guys are watching TV? Oh, what the fuck? He said he was going to put it in his boot, and then he put it in his car? I don't understand. What the fuck?

On the one hand, they seem fun-loving and self-deprecating. On the other, they hand over hundreds of millions to a few people who call themselves king and queen and fawn over these weirdo inbreds. I don't know what to think. They seem fun-loving. Fun-loving group. Jacko out Actually let's go

Let's go write down Zarla if you'll take a DLN please Let's see DLN My wife DLN being married to an ex-Englishman Thought that I ought to reply to this one My initial reaction was that anyone who has been to France Are mortal enemy for hundreds of years In Ireland whose natives keep us amused

All the time by being the subject of jokes. What? Fuck you. Heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman, and the Scotsman who walked into a pub must clearly be of inferior intellect. Anyone of sound mind knows that you start your discovery of the world at the top. The leaders of the British Empire, the kind souls who converted the Celts

to Celts? Celts. To civilization. Although they did fight back a bit. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. That is some old-time racism right there. The people who invented taxation and representation, people who gave the world Monty Python and Benny Hill and

reality TV, if you didn't know that. For that alone, I hope you burn forever. Wow. P.S. Be careful when you go to England when immigration sees those French and Irish stamps in your passport and they may not want to let you in. Wow. Wow. There's a lot of people starting shit on this

stupid forum. I was not expecting that to go that way. Wow. People think bad when you diss the royal family. Well, I mean, fair enough, yeah. Like, how could you possibly? How could you do an entire episode about that?

How dare. Hey, come quats up. Oh, yes, hello. Do you have a question about pizza? Hello, I, hello. Do you have a question about pizza? Hello, I'm Al. Why is pizza west of the Mississippi so awful? That's the climate, obviously. Or time zones.

Time zones do it. Yeah, we all know and love famous Mississippi pizza. It just gets spoiled when it goes across an old-timey steamboat. This is some Tennessee-style pizza. I have a simple question. Why is pizza so horrendous west of the Mississippi? I read your title, buddy. No.

I now live in the northeast and can get a tasty pie at just about any local shop. But when I recently visited SF, it was my severe misfortune to eat at a local pizza place where their idea of fresh pizza was bag sauce on a bubbly shell with Kraft cheese. Is that your experience, Kumquat? Yeah. San Francisco pizza in general? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, Kumquat has taken me like the great distances and much time consumed to have pizza in the San Francisco area. That's true. That's true, yeah. I feel like this person

would have better luck if they didn't keep on going to Chuck E. Cheese. And yeah, I'd say it was like this. Yeah. We had to walk five miles to get to the place of the bobbly shell. They make you bring them, the bobbly shells. I've had the same experience living in Colorado.

Domino's slash Pizza Hut, etc. is not real pizza. Is it the... Is it the lack of a long-term Italian-American community? Yep, none of that, San Francisco. Nope. None.

None. You want to go to little blank? Ignorance? Nope. Whatever the cause, I feel sorry for you people out there. New York says they saved the pizza, they saved the bad pizza for people with a New York accent so you will go the fuck home. What is with this forum?

What? Everybody's so aggressive here. Hey yo, my name's New York. Yeah, yeah. New York! New York! New York! LA! LA! LA! name's Best Host LA! LA! LA! LA!

LA! LA! LA! I hurt my arm doing that. I'm seeing slurs for Italians that I haven't seen in a long time. It's a podcast. I didn't need to pump my fist doing that. Ah, the traditional, let's go to Mississippi fist pump.

It makes it sound better. Got my podcasting injury. Back in 23. It really hurts. Never been the same. All right. It's time for this to get sexy. Yay.

So, in a nutshell, we're still on Fodor's, a place with really excellent discourse, just terrific discourse over here. And what does Holly have to say? Holly says, sex in Italy? Oh. Having just spent a week vacation in Italy with girlfriends, I found that Italian men love

American women and try everything to get a girl to leave a bar with them. Not that we didn't have a blast. I'll save those stories for the R-rated photo site, but it made me laugh how persistent they can be. That was a post! That was a post.

That was a post. Somebody in August 24th of 2001 went to Fodor's.com and was like, I got banged in Italy. Simpler time. Simpler time. My name is Leonardo Holly I'm sorry

you found out I am married to the Spitfire women she is getting very tired of me sleeping with American how you say sluts oh so sorry so sorry How you say... Sluts? Oh, so sorry.

How you say... The Sluts? She sits alone with four crying babinos and I do this to her. Jar Jar Leonardo. It's a meme. Jar Jar Leonardo It's a me What the

This forum's so fucking stupid Alright, alright We're gonna skip to the next section Because this forum is incredibly stupid So we're gonna go to Thearchive.org We're gonna go through the Wayback Machine into the Family Travel Forum. The slogan of the Family Travel Forum is, have kids, still travel.

Yeah, and Starla, what do you think of Disney? Be honest. My name is Jackie, and Disney sucks! Before I leave this beautiful state of Florida, I needed to post the horrific experience I encountered at the Mousetrap Disney. Mousetrap, I like that. Nice. I will never be back there again.

One, I paid for a ticket the day before at the counter to use the next day. I asked the guy if that could be done. He said yes. Next day I go and they say the ticket is invalid. No, sorry, unveiled. I even showed them my receipt. They would not honor it. I can't believe

they ripped me off of 54 bucks. I've heard of company cutbacks for not taking cuts from honest paying customers. By the way, many of the employees I spoke with told me horror stories of the freaking park. I'll make sure to post those when I get home. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I didn't know this was a breaking

news story. Get home. I'm busy enjoying Disney. Boots, Boots, does Mem have a response there for Jackie? Yeah, I'm Mem. You were ripped off, scammed, not by Disney. If you live in Florida, get a year pass. It's your fault it was invalid. Tickets cost 53 bucks.

Wait, what was the title of that post? Sorry, you're right. was invalid. Tickets cost 53 bucks. Wait, what was the title of that post? Oh, sorry, you're right. I have, my reply has a different title. Disney does not suck. Nice. Got him. Yeah. And then in a nutshell,

Busy B, Busy B's post is titled R.E. colon Disney does not suck. Does too! I'd like to throw my two cents in and let you all know that there are perverts lurking around Disney's Fort Wilderness Campgrounds comfort stations, a.k.a. bathhouses.

Wow, that's helpful. Bathhouses? Okay. And security doesn't respond when you call. Okay. We were there in April and a man was in the stall next to mine, hanging over the top of the shower area, watching me shower. hanging over the top of the shower area watching me shower. He hasn't even stayed in the bathhouse

for over ten minutes while I was outside waiting for help and nothing but my towel. I called 911, was transferred to Disney security, and nobody came. After an hour and calling a second time, security finally showed up.

We have found out later that they didn't get the names of the witnesses or even make a report, even though the manager of the duty at the time told me they did. Did you see him? Did you see him? We made them call the sheriff's department, and so we do have a report, and I got one of the witnesses' names when I saw her later. If we hadn't done those two things. They could have denied it ever happened. That man very well. Could have been on his way over the shower wall.

To do god only knows what. We still haven't had an even apology. Yeah my name's Tom Hadfield. Hi Tom. Disney is an evil entity. It's like something out of a Stephen King book. The greed, the out and out greed

of this place is un- Hey, Tom, what was the title of your post? Oh, yeah, Disney sucks canal water. It's reply, Disney sucks canal water. Yeah, regarding Disney sucks canal water. It's reply, Disney sucks.

Regarding Disney sucks canal water. Yeah. Oh man, the greed, the out and out greed, it's un-be- leave-able. By which I mean, the being of leaving. You are unable to do that

I wish they'd get out Old Walt's head Hook it up See what he thinks Of what Mr. Eisner has done to his idea If Eisner had his way Florida would be sectioned off Into three sections

Close quote Is the beginning of into three sections. Close quote is the beginning of my quote. North Florida, close quote again. South Florida, close quote again. And in between, Disney Florida. It will be, close quote, the Gulf of Eisner. Ellipsis, comma,

close quote, the Disatlantic Ocean, close quote, exclamation point, they will have toll booths at both ends. $100, wait, no, $100, yeah, $100 per car to go through Disney each way and then

bracket $200 round trip. You get the idea. I am Cyber Saiyan. Yeah. Wow. Disney does not suck. Walt was a great man. Eisner sucks. His Hitler ways have turned Walt's dreams into...

What? Let me tell you something about Walt's dreams. No, no. Walt was a great man. Eisner sucks. His Hitler ways have turned Walt's dreams into totalitarian nightmares fantastic

so sorry no total totalitarian nightmares yeah yeah oh perfect

nutshell you have a post called Disney sucks the really big one and it goes on for quite a while. Can you just give me the fabulous ideas that you came up with of how to improve Disney? Oh, well, let's see. I went to Disney at Christmas.

Is it a handy list format? Yeah, no, it's a handy 10-point list format here. Oh, 10-point list format. Oh, okay, yes. a handy 10-point list format here. Oh, 10-point list format. Oh, okay, yes. You did want to hear about the Taliban being there? Well, okay. Oh, wait, you know what? No.

Never mind. Never mind. I just realized I don't want to skip this. Okay, no, I take it back. Hey, Nutshell, you think that Disney sucks the really, really big one. Uh-huh. The biggest. Christmas vacations, I know, I know.

Who would dare venture into that park, let alone the state of Florida around Christmas? Well, my family and I did, and what a mistake. First, the Magic Kingdom was closed by 10 a.m. That's right, 10 a.m. It was full, then Animal Kingdom. So we hit Epcot. Please send me lots of painkillers and Valium.

And what is why? Hey, you're that guy! Wait a minute! Chris, is that you? It was a beautiful day, mid-70s, with a slight breeze. I found out the weather attracted the millions plus into Epcot, along with me and my family, not to mention the other parks were full at first. You see a couple hundred people, not bad.

It's the gates that will thin out inside. That's what I thought. It got tighter and tighter and hotter and smellier. That reminds me, if you are coming to this country, can you at least do what we do, and that is wash ourselves and our asses, I swear. Half the Taliban was there either sprinkling anthrax around or looking for ways to blow it up. Why not both? They can do both.

Multitasking exists. No security. Oh, they looked in a couple backpacks. How about some metal detectors? Ah, ah, ah, hello, we are in an orange alert here. Somebody wake Walt up and tell him. I should have felt safe. There's some 2004-ass shit here.

After realizing that if something did happen, you would be dead from a stampede, we decided to move further into the park. Further into hell? Every stinking ride had at least a three-hour wait. My wife, after waiting almost four hours in the test track line, was made to wait another 20 minutes when her and my daughter finally reached their destination. Ah, yes.

Number one kid. Here we are. Here we go. We are next. Oh, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, fast passers? My family had to wait another 30 minutes after coming up to the headline. We are so sorry, and we don't care, were the replies.

Fast passers go first, then another two-hour wait for mission space. By now it's 6 p.m. Also, we don't care. Two rides in four hours. Here's some fabulous ideas. One, install benches for people to sit on in line. Two, get rid of FastPass.

It breads anger towards our fellow man. Yeah, no, you're right. That thing that makes a lot of money? Yep, absolutely. Limit the amount of people who can get in earlier. Add more seats to these attractions. Build another park. Screw the French Bureau

Disney. We need more here. Oh, oh, that's why there's not a third Disneyland. Sorry, we're full up. Give your ride... We've already, we've met our Disney park quota for the decade. Sorry. Give your ride... We've met our Disney heart quota for the decade. Sorry. Give your ride operators

some lessons in diplomacy. Like foreign diplomacy? Yeah, so they can tell the French they can't have one. Require those who come in to bathe beforehand. Just get out the hose.

Require those who come in to be United States citizens. Wow. You're not allowed in Disneyland. Nine, more security. Ten, the number ten thing you need to fix. Why is everyone who leaves Disney pissed off?

Wait, how are they gonna fix that? I don't know. Thank you very much, and God bless our troops. Oh, wow! Alright, never mind. I had no idea who you were until you closed that out.

Ah, yes, the good old days. Right after 9-11 when the whole of the United States came together in solidarity to be complete cadets too. Oh, was that French thing? Was that the

Freedom Fries era of... Yep. It sure is. Oh, man. Yeah. Vintage. Okay, so Boots, I'm going to give you a choice here. Okay, yeah.

We're going to be reading about some terrible, scary experiences, but you're going to decide which terrible, scary experiences. We're going to read about, so the first one is by Gary Spieler. So Gary plays things. This is the Hilton Horror Story. Ooh, okay. And then the other one is by Linda. Okay.

Fucking Linda. It's in all caps, if that helps. Except for Linda. Everything is in all caps except for Linda. The opposite of normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this one is called The Travelcom Orlando

Daytona Surfside Resort. The Travelcom Orlando Daytona Surfside Resort. The Travelcom Orlando Daytona Surfside Resort. By Linda. Stay away from Travelcom. I had three nights at the Summer Bay Resort. But you, it upstaying in the Holiday Inn Express with its right in front of the property. And Summer Bay has condo in the back. Very nice if I stay there. Hotel

location in Claremont, Florida is 18 miles from Orlando. They do have a transportation to the parks. 8 a.m., 10 a.m. dropped off at 5 p.m., 7 p.m. Pick up. Daytona. Stay at the Surfside Resort. The only nice thing I can was

the view. You couldn't tell if they were an employee. no uniform. Our room had a strong paint smell from the next door of the bathroom. It has its own odor with sticky floor. The property was very dirt nasty. Yeah. Dirt nasty. Dirt nasty.

Oh, yeah. The whole property looked unsafe. We only stayed in the room for five men and check out. When the travel.com give you free nights in Daytona, Orlando, please look up the property first. The word resort means Holiday Inn Express, not resort as in condo. Wait, resort as in condo? Okay, yeah.

Yeah, all right. Resort. Wait, resort isn't condo? Yeah. My contact person was Denise Morales, who handled the Orlando reservation. Denise's email address. The only time I can reach Denise in the morning when the office opened at 9 a.m.,

Denise, I don't know if it's the same spelling at 9 a.m., Denise, oh, no, it's the same spelling twice, okay, will not return your call or email and went, I said, her a fax for the dated of my arrival. I still had to wait for her return my call. It took servera phone calls and a fax to get a confirmation for my trip. Clearly you had a bad experience. I don't know what that experience was.

It was sort of bad, whatever it was. It was bad. Paint smells in a dirty bathroom. You checked out within five minutes. You checked out within five minutes Well yeah I wanted to I wanted to tell you about my Casa Mumbo nightmare Casa Mumbo Casa Mumbo

Sounds sexy It is and you know that Because I am Rick and Joan Joan's here too Joan's here too. Joan's here too, okay? You can't blame me for this. She was also involved. We found a house.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't tell you where. We found on the web a house. Yeah. Called Casa Mumbo. The Rising Sun. In Casa Mel, the pictures were just great.

But when we arrived, the beginning... But when we arrived, the beginning of our nightmare! The house had been closed up for some time. Smelling damp and musty. The floors and bathrooms were all dirty. The excessive liberty advised

was a few mags thrown on the end table. And the movie tapes were about five. Years old? No, there were just five of them. There was five movie tapes, and the livery was only Meg's. Yeah, yeah.

You had to exit the building to get to, and now the room. The furniture was so old and dirty, you did not want to sit or sleep there. There was so much lying in the advertisement, it was criminal. No refunds and the rent had to be paid in advance. I mean, to be honest, this does sound like a pretty shitty experience. It does, it does, but this solves it like a pretty shitty experience. It does. It does. But this solves it, I think.

Yeah. Now we fixed it. And also, like, I mean, like, again, like, in so many of these things where, like, clearly there's a legitimate complaint, but it's like, they made us pay our hotel fare in advance. Yes. Yup. And our security deposit

was not returned. The owner is actual name from San Francisco. Don't rent from this man. This con cost us $1,500. We had to go

to a hotel costing more. When he sees this post, he's gonna be sorry. He's gonna regret crossing Rick and Joan. Yeah, Rick and Joan, all both of them. AF plus? It's time for travel poetry.

Yeah! Is that like regular poetry, but smaller? No. It's time for travel poetry. Yeah. Is that like regular poetry, but smaller? No. It's more expensive. It is, yeah. Significantly more expensive. But it comes with a little carrying case. Okay.

So now we're back on TripAdvisor, having read about these terrible nightmares. And come what's up, you are a TripAdvisor poster from Brooklyn who posted a picture of himself shirtless in his profile. Yeah. So, yeah, we're in good hands. And can you read us a Christmas poem, please?

I mean, I'm no Jack Chick, but... What's the style of this poem? TripAdvisor style. TripAdvisor style. Oh, yeah. Love to break it down to that. Oh, damn! That's TripAdvisor style right there! It's supposed to be East Coast or West Coast.

Yeah. My name is PJ Falcon. Twas the night before vacation and posters online were dreaming of Mexico's beaches sublime. Perfect.

But bring me up close. Your tickets are placed in your carry-ons with care. Oh, it's the second person? In hopes that old Wilma hadn't cancelled your air. Wilma? The children are nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of kids' clubs would dance in their heads. Okay. Your teenage girl hopes her brother won't tell if he sees her out clubbing with bellhop Miguel. Relatable, yeah. Although your vacation's denied by your boss, you'll just call in sick and we'll deal with the costs. You've already paid for your room, after all.

So what? You'll get fired. You'll still have a ball. You set three alarms. Cause it wouldn't be great to watch your flight leave as you stood at the gate. And then he flips to the next sheet in his legal... It's reading this in front of a court. Planning ahead in case something went wrong, your wife

comes to bed in her bikini's thong. What? What? That's not very comfortable. That's what I do when I plan for things to go wrong. In her bikini's thong. Oh, no!

It's been planned for months, and you've even arranged. Your dollars to pesos at the greatest exchange. Don't bring too much cash. Don't bring too much plastic. Good lord, it's enough to make you go spastic. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. The early 2000s, folks. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You wish it was still just the early 2000s. You've worked out for months and dieted, but it's just been no use, cause you still have a gut. Okay, maybe

you put too many ideas into this poem. So you have no six-pack, well, son of a gun, at the AI. You booked, you can order. Just order one. It's a sci-fi poem now.

What? Will this be the year, though she wishes you'd stop, that you get your wife to lay out with no top? What? Fuck. On the beach, maybe? You've got a new plan, and you think you can trick her with tequila shots and plenty of liquor. Holy shit.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They say your resort ain't 100% that the beach is half gone and the trees are all bent. But the way that you see it, those things are all token as long as there's liquor and the sun isn't broken. Whatever the case, you're just glad to go

to that place we all love, Cancun, Mexico. Merry Christmas to all, love, PJ. I'm just going to assume that was somebody playing on the holodeck. Parrot heads come in all shapes and sizes. I guess so. Yeah, my name is Caroline P.

I've made 3,783 posts on TripAdvisor. Whoa. And I just want to say, PJ, that was estupendo. If you watch Mexican TV, you'll get the reference. It made me laugh. I guess I have to watch Mexican TV to understand. No!

Fuck. Watch Mexican TV to understand. Nutshell, you actually just right now claimed dibs on the thing I was really excited about you reading. Okay, cool. Yeah. Hi, I'm Fort Worth DSP, and I've written Cabo poem. I want to move to Cabo. I hate my Jabo. I like to drink beers on the beach. The only word I can think of that rhymes is peach.

Hanging out in Cabo Wabo, I really hate my Jabo. From Cabo Wabo, I go to rips. I can taste those rainbow shots of my lips. From there I stumble to Squid Row. I know I'm drunk, but I think I stubbed my toe. Now on to the giggling Marlin.

My favorite comedian is certainly George Carlin. What was this? What was this from? Marlin, Barlin, Sarlin. Harlin? No. Why did you need to put Giggling Marlin in there? I think he's naming bars that he's going to.

Yay! Hanging upside down, I've taken seven shots. I'm starting to see little bitty spots. Excuse me. In one door and out... No, you're not. You're not excused. In one door and out the other I loom.

Well, I just went through Slim's elbow room. I go back in and have a beer or three, time for some tacos with Gordo Lely. I stuff my face with some carne asada. I'll take another beer, gracias, donada. Things are a little blurry. It's now a half past noon. I need a margarita or four and soon back to the resort for some pool party fun. Tequila shots for everybody.

I'll get round one. Stumbling about is all I could do. Must be time to head to the zoo. Great. Thanks, Raffy. Hey, hey now. Raffy's a good children's musician. Don't diss Raffy.

Sure. Okay. I couple beers in. I can no longer talk. I can't even dance. Man, I can't even walk. Mere mortals, these conditions would stop. Not me, though.

This point in the game, I'm on top. Whoa. Final destination is the Nowhere Bar. After a few drinks, I still have money for a taxi car. I get back to my room. Time to end the night. My friend stops

by. It's three o'clock. You alright? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is supposed to be a poem about being on vacation and not just this dude's daily life. No, this is somebody drinking Sammy Hagar's tequila at home. That's called Cabo Wabo, right?

Yeah, Cabo Wabo. Actually, in the comments there, Boots, can you take... It's comment number nine for the Cabo poem. Yeah, it's another poem, bonus poem there. Oh. Okay, yeah. I'm smurbs... Smurbers.

I'm smurbers. Forget the margaritas. I'm heading over to Sangria's. Two beers and two shots. Fernando serves us a lot. Time to hit Squid Row to watch the people show. It will be 4 a.m. soon. Thank God I can sleep till noon.

I love Cabo. Okay, well, that's actually Sammy Hagar Right there Yeah I love Cabo So my name is Minneapolis Oh hello Yeah my name is Minneapolis

And this is my poem It's called A Poem By Me Yay Let me tell you a story Listen, this is my poem. It's called A Poem by Me. Yay. Yay. Let me tell you a story about a man named Lar. A poor young guy his friends would say was fair. Maybe his name is Lair. Tell your story.

And then one day he decided to move away from the cold of Canada to the great U.S. of A. Okay, there it is. Yeah, I got it now. It's perfect. Okay. All right. This shit's on the rails. Here we go.

He met a girl with hair spun out of gold. He tried to get hooked up, but she thought he was too bold. Okay. He sent her lots of flowers and lots of fancy gifts. She replied with a hug and a big old juicy kiss. Juicy? Are you sure? Well, he got a job and now works for the state. He married his golden girl and bought a brand new place. Ow.

Ow. Ow. I think that one gave me lockjaw He loves his wife And she reminds him every day To be good and kind Or she'll get him deported From the US of A

The end What forum did you post this in? That's a great question I posted this in TripAdvisor obviously It's in TripAdvisor Los Cab Cabos Forums, Cabo San Lucas Forum. Good job. Good job. That's where it goes.

I'm Minneapolis. Minneapolis, dot, dot, dot. Minneapolis. Minneapolis. So F+, what do you think we've learned from the travel posting of traveled travelers? The forums are really aggressive They're really angry

I learned where all those people come from that you encounter while you're traveling Yeah The site should be called uglyamerAmericans.com Hey now I'm sure there's British and Canadian people in there You know how they say

Nostalgia is like a form of mourning Right? And I am Nostalgic for many things From the early 2000s Like the cars when they had less technology, and the awesome hacker techno that we all listen to and all that.

All of us, yeah. The giant pants. The lack of COVID. All the glow sticks. And our modern day is so incredibly fucked up in so many ways that it's very easy to be nostalgic for the previous era, but that's because we

forget about shit. For example, I had forgotten entirely how insufferable Monty Python fans were in the 2000s. Yeah, everything that we read from, even the one that was the family

travel family family forum, everybody was super aggro all of the time at each other. Yeah, they were really at each other's throats. It's like going through a lot of effort to explain to people why their spelling was bad.

I'm just glad these people have a safe place to vent so they're not behaving like this in public that's true they get it yeah they get it out of their system and then it's all over well that felt good thank you the internet for being my therapist the The internet is a safe place to vent. I've always been really kind of stymied by people that will complain about their Disneyland experience because it's very, I went to Disneyland, it was very expensive and I had to wait in line for a long time.

That's been known for decades. What? How did this person find Disneyland? He just dropped off? What do they know about Disneyland that caused them to get there? Is it a cartoon park? Is there a park with cartoons in it? No, no, they saw

these movies and afternoon family specials and stuff where people go to Disneyland and have a great time and there's no lines and it's just an awesome fun montage where they get to go on every single ride all in one day

and everybody has a good time, nobody gets sunburned or food poisoned or anything but then they have to have that pizza west of the city that's why you gotta go to Disney World, not Disneyland.

Yeah, exactly. If you're the east of Mississippi Pizza at Disney World, it's great. I just must not know anything. Like, oh, well, we

saw this animation film called The Emperor's New Groove and I've never heard of this company before but they got a theme park. Seems a little pricey,

but I'm sure they'll take care of us. They have respect for humanity, don't they? There's a lot of people there, but my family is the most important family on Earth. Surely my family will get to go on every ride. And if you're looking for a place where people have no respect for humanity, you can find that

at Ballpits. B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. That's a website. As well as T-H-E-F-B-L dot U-S. Which hopefully has merch on it. Or at least other fun things. We're always looking for people to draw things because we want

to make drawings in real life. Wait, what the fuck did I say? I don't know, but I just saw Jack Chick's dog in a skateboard t-shirt and that was pretty rad. It's pretty good. Me and my daughter have matching wow it's a dog in a skateboard shirts. Yeah. Okay, bye. Bye.