The F Plus - 409: I ❤️ Hamish
Episode Date: November 18, 2024Eva Draconis has had sex with multiple transdimensional lizard beings (Reptilians, Orions, and regular old dinosaurs) including a red Dragon Turtle named Hamish who she communicates with telepat...hically, and who sleeps in her bathroom on a rug and gets jealous of her Sims characters. And I know you're thinking you've heard all of this before, but just wait til we get to the bologna sandwich. This week, The F Plus gets waterboarded, no big deal.
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I need to take some sex words orbiting the F Plus Podcast.
Terrible things read with enthusiasm.
And in the room tonight we have Boothringer.
The mantids are here, an alien declares.
Mantids, me delighted, really I am.
I love mantids, me.
POR-TEX!
It's the latest episode of Love That Hamish!
ZARLA!
Hun-un meets my eggs, pie pie is my lady parts, Natsu is my tummy, but it is also poo both
noun and verb.
We're welcoming back Ganymede!
When you see yourself with two men who are wearing plastic overalls, then it is only
natural that your mind, while trying to make sense out of it, thinks that you two are one
of those, and that you two are wearing plastic overalls, and that the three of you are going to be doing something together.
Pfft.
Hahaha.
So true.
So true.
And Lemon.
I mean, do you like when men are fingering your pussy?
Trellis says.
Dude, calm down there, I said.
Yeah, I know that I look like a big butterball, said Trellis.
Hahaha. Oh, Trellis. Oh Trellis.
Okay.
Weird time for your issues Trellis, okay.
Trellis is a piece of work.
I love Trellis.
Trellis is the wacky neighbor.
I love him so much. Hey F+.
Hey Lemon. Hear me with your heart and your touch Hear me with your heart and your touch
Hey F+.
Hey Lemon.
Hey Lemon.
Hey, have you all been communicating with the Otherworld?
All the time.
Which Otherworld?
There's like a lot.
Like the Darknet.
Too busy training for the bird race.
Boots, how do you log on to the Darknet?
Um, you type a password in backwards?
Oh, that's how it works.
So it's one word pass, is that what I type in?
I feel like I should probably know this, but I don't know.
Do you type it on a website or just type it in a text file and it will just open up the darknet?
Yeah, wherever. Yeah.
You know, time.
If you do it, somebody recognizes,
like, you know, they recognize that it happened
and we'll get in contact with you.
Yeah, so for any of you looking to access the dark web,
you know, define Hitman or whatever it is,
you just open up Tor, you type your password backwards.
And if it doesn't work, send that password to me and I'll help you out.
Yeah, that's good advice.
It's really good advice.
But do it in WhatsApp because that's encrypted and shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Unrelated to any of that, I want to introduce you to somebody who, so this
is, this is somebody that has a Amazon store
with a couple of books and her name is Ava Draconis and Ava Draconis like in
addition to having a super real name that is real. It's not a book. It has to be real. Stephanie, yeah, exactly. Can you lie in a book? I don't think anyone's ever tried.
So, Ava has led a, I would say, extraordinary life. Because, as she mentions here, this website
we're going to go to, except for actually go to from the way
back machine because it's down but anyway this website publishes stories
and word by word written down telepathic conversations from my everyday life as
an egg donor with the aliens. It's gotta be an easier way to say that I think.
Egg donor maxing. I mean this is a you know you're already sending the script Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Me, a egg donor. Hamish, the red dragon turtle of the old draconian race.
Oh, hell yeah.
Reptilians, orions, zetas, dinosaurs, alpha
thetan dark lords, theubian praying mantis dolphin.
Just one?
Yeah, just the one.
Human alien hybrids, and associated military
of Russia in the units.
What was that?
So MKUltra worked. They can communicate telepathically.
And the Human Reptilian
Hybrids Japanese Dragon Dynasty.
And the Human Reptilian Hybrids Japanese Dragon Dynasty.
Yeah, of course, that was perfect both times. And the human-reptilian-hybrids-Japanese-dragon-dynasty.
The friendly extraterrestrials, the airship people, Pleiadians, Umo, and many others.
Umo!
Yamo!
Yamo?
Is it umo?
Yamo!
It's not real.
It's nothing.
It's super real.
What are you talking about?
Can't put it on the internet if it's a lie.
That's too close to gummo and I don't want to make another Harmony Korin reference.
I have telepathic conversations and interactions with the aliens every day and I try to write
everything down.
Thousands of pages, and that's fucking true was in the pages illustrate this well-documented case of alien contact
So we on board yeah, sounds legit
Cool, so we're that you only find out about these kind of earth-shattering revelations on these little personal websites
I keep disappearing like this. Yeah, you think it's about the news
Yeah, it must have what I've probably Russian military would be involved in some way.
Or like the Pleiadians, right?
There's a poster on the front page here that says,
Keep calm and love dragons. And I find that comforting.
That's true. It's good advice.
I was gonna panic, but...
Yeah, I was. I was also going to panic, but now I know why not to.
Carry on, carry on.
Okay, so Portax.
Uh-huh.
I want to go into the Wayback machine back to the year of I believe
2018 you sliders noises
And we're gonna go to this this post that has like a banner image where there's it looks like
like bondage rope and then over it is the
Alien font from Futurama.
Okay, so those are snake scales, but I...
Okay. Alright, well, you can...
You can see what you wanna see, man.
Look, if you wanna participate in bondage play with live snakes,
you go for it.
But...
I'm gonna take a stand. Don't do that.
Don't do that.
I think it would be difficult to tie up a snake.
I was thinking using the snake to tie up people.
Oh, oh, oh.
I was thinking about how you would try to practice shibari on a snake.
Oh no, my non-existent hands are tied up.
What am I supposed to do?
They have to sort of play along, right?
Oh yes, my hands are tied to my ankles, of course. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. We're making a much better website one. Me? Alright, yeah, but Portax, will you welcome me to the Orion project, please?
Oh, sure. So, funny story, in August of 2011, I was contacted by a man from Orion.
Not the studio, presumably the star.
I assumed that I was hallucinating. Meticulously, I wrote down every conversation in a counter so that I could show a case of imaginary alien experience.
Wait, to show somebody else how crazy they were?
That's like a surprising amount of self-awareness.
All work and no play and whatnot.
Only months later I had...
Isn't Orion like an entire constellation? No, Orion's belt is three stars. I conclude that the contact was real.
There's really no reason why.
It took them months.
Dragons real?
Just pondered that.
For more than two years I've been running this very deep and extensive documentary which
became known as the Orion project
I came to shed light on the alien abduction experience their hybrid programs and the extraterrestrial organization known as the agenda
Capital a so that's real legit. Yeah
My name is Ava draconis pseud obviously. I am the egg donor in this story. You will meet
and get to know many alien and human characters in the stories recorded. Hamish the red dragon
turtle who guards my eggs and proudly displays his back hump and is afraid of carved pumpkins.
That's pretty quirky.
Alright, those are fleet.
That's not enough, what else you got?
Alright, well, how about this Malik and the other Incubi Dark Lords who are ominous but ubiquitous?
I need something weirder.
Okay, how about this? Sassy Lady Thuban, a white genetically modified dolphin from the seas of Alpha Draconis who likes to say,
Hinch! and has yellow baleen in her mouth.
Yeah, now we're talking.
This character was definitely introduced after Focus Group. pinch and has yellow baleen in her mouth. Yeah, now we're talking. Now we're talking.
This character was definitely introduced after Focus Groups.
He's got a skateboard and sunglasses.
I must leave now.
My planet needs me.
These stories are personal and very intimate on behalf of myself as the alien abductee
and the egg donor, but also with regard to the aliens whose private thoughts,
feelings, and life happenings are recorded and shared so unashamed and deeply.
Mm-hmm, that's how somethings work. There are stories that are heartwarming, others that are
atrocious and cruel, and many that are fun! Alien contact and my friendship with Hamish changed my
life forever. Will it change yours? So
Yeah, so the pretty good elevator pitch right so how many like this animated series on Netflix how many how many episodes 50?
I mean literally 14 million dollars who gives a shit. Oh, yeah
Yeah, we've already got the hinge sure. How much money do you want to in bezel? That's right?
It's not a real I want to workshop Hamish to make better figures.
Can this someway make money for Barstool Sports?
Because apparently that's how the entire internet has to operate.
Can I make a Funko of Hamish? This is really important.
You can get a U2s of Hamish. How about that?
Those things are so fucking ugly, by the way.
They are.
They are.
Quite hideous.
By the way, this is a documentary.
It is by all intents not fictional.
There's
a bunch of stuff on how to read
this website. My advice would be don't.
Use your eyes?
That's a good thing to put on most websites.
There's a note here about graphic material, just a little warning.
Anyone who has been acquainted with the aliens knows
that they are not bashful when it comes to sex or violence.
Oh, the aliens are Jane's addiction.
Or with obscene concepts such as fecal samples. Other disturbing topic
that frequently comes up with the NASA...
Sorry.
Are you fucking boom-hour?
What's happening now?
We would like to say Omragosh with the NASA...
With the NASA and the Omragosh.
Omragosh.
We're already jumping into this.
...says my black reptilian Omragosh is their former hello.
He said this to you readers.
Okay, one more time, all the way through, please.
We would like to say Omrogosh with the NASA.
Says my Black Reptilian Omrogosh is their former hello. He said this to you readers.
Cool. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Yep. Okay. Okay.
That's actually every line that Boomhauer says. You just don't know.
That guy.
So, yeah, there was a response
that Jack with the NASA gave to Black Reptilian.
Oh, yes.
Oh my gosh, and don't come back here,
says Jack with the NASA team,
seems to have said to the Black Reptilian.
The NASA team tried to regulate alien activities
here on Earth, in
particular the more sinister ones.
Like a title card from The Wire.
Yes.
And there's stuff to be prepared for and it's stuff we were undoubtedly not going to read
about because it's bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, what about the first one? The first one doesn't have any of the statuses.
The first one is the alien agenda which is responsible for alien abductions,
cattle mutilations, and hybrid programs is run by the Dark Lords who are the same as the Incubi
and Jinn recorded throughout history featuring menaces such as Baphomet, Jezebel, and others.
They gave us Satanism, Aleister Crowley, and Hitler and the Nazi movement.
And they also bring us the alien agenda, whose symbol is the yellow pyramid and whose god
is the eye.
I like picturing these like in little yellow stars that are just flashing on the screen
like, featuring tonight's show.
We have Baphomet Jezebel.
And our musical guest,
Tim Lurr.
Rowley.
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday at the Alien Abduction Arena.
Okay, so there's-
Yeah, thing number two is basically a gammaverse,
is that the thing?
Is that the awful thing? Omegaverse.
Omegaverse, there it is, yeah. Yeah, yeah that the thing? Is that the awful thing? Omegaverse.
Omegaverse, there it is, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't, yeah.
Okay.
And bad.
So there's a lot, actually quite a bit of preamble.
You know, there's quite a bit of a hook baiting,
but I think we're already pretty much sold,
so I think we're good.
So instead, we're going to be going down to...
Ganymede, if you will scroll down to birthday cake with Hamish, please?
CHUCK. Sure.
Forgive me if I make use of the control-F function instead.
SID. Good luck.
CHUCK. Lost forever in Hamish's mind.
Lost forever in Hamish's mind.
Birthday cake with Hamish, yummy feet, Aleister Crowley, and a nice glass of bourbon with the senator.
Yummy what? Excuse me? Are these like three separate titles for the same story?
Here is a treat, an extract of verbatim conversations from my Draconian birthday, May 11th, 2012,
which is the day I finally realized that the Draconians and all their stories and my adventures
with them are real!
All thanks to an interesting fellow named Alastair Crowley being mentioned.
I feel it's rare to be able to pinpoint your, like, breaking point, maybe?
On this exact moment. I think it's the moment that you read something Alastor Crowley read and you went,
oh, that makes a lot of sense.
But here is an excerpt around from when I was to post a cute picture of a birthday cake on the Alastor Crowley page
to celebrate, sounds of all being real, and Hamish
objected to cakes and cat figurines.
On the picture below, Malak was going to be the Black Penguin, the dinosaur be the Green
Fellow, Hamish was going to be the Kitty, because every time I am reminded that I actually
did name the dark red draconian as Strawberry, I then smile and say to myself that then by
the same token I should name Malak and Hamish peaches and kitten. The Orion doctor would
have been the dog.
Mmm.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Obviously.
So they're like pets. So like the passage earlier where she was like, oh, my raptor
friend says umbra gash. It was just like, oh, my cat says hello. Guys, my cat's here.
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Which makes it much more relatable.
And note to everyone on the internet,
it is always entertaining every single time
you do that with your own pets.
I like to hear about your pet in the room.
Every time you interrupt every conversation
I've ever had to let me know that you're a cat.
Especially if I'm over at your house
and you wanna have sex with me.
But as I really tried to put that other cake picture up there, Hamish insisted on objecting
to it, that it doesn't honor him to portray him by a cake.
I tried to be selfish and ignore his feelings and put the cake up, but I ended up realizing
that Hamish is a real person, I don't know why I ever thought otherwise,
and that he felt offended by it, and Hamish is my friend, so I found the other cute picture
of a white fluffy dog instead. So let's just say that dog is me.
No further questions.
All right, yeah, why not? Why wouldn't we?
Yeah, why not?
And that dog was Albert Einstein.
And everyone in the PetSmart clapped.
Then a phrase that is just screaming off the page at me, let it be known that birthday Albert Einstein. And everyone in the PetSmart clapped.
Then a phrase that is just screaming off the page at me, let it be known that birthday
cake does not honor the reptilians.
We knew that.
Listen, now, as a reptilian myself, you can give me all your birthday cake that you don't
want and I will take it.
That's a Sanrio cake.
That's Hello Kitty and the frog and the... that's Maru and the frog.
Yeah.
Kurobe.
Kurobe, yes, thank you.
Hamish was like, am I a joke to you?
Not a Kurobe.
Hamish is not approve.
He then said what was on his mind, because I knew he was about to say what he was thinking.
We are the ones in charge, Hamish whispers.
Hamish, you will rule my honored knee.
So, so here's, here's the thing.
Can he, because I think, I think you came in to the call after us.
The, the formatting for dialogue here is insane.
Yep.
Yeah, it's very weird.
Do you want to explain how the dialogue is formatted. Yep. Yeah. It's very weird. Do you want to explain how the dialogue is formatted?
Sure, yeah.
It happens as you would actually naturally expect.
And I don't know why no one's used this before.
No quotes, no quotation marks.
Nope.
You have the text of what the person says, and then an M dash,
and then a description of the person saying it,
and possibly how they say it.
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so with that said, Boots, if you'll be Hamish, I'll be me.
Okay, yeah. Yeah. It's a very vulnerable moment for you.
We are the ones in charge. Hamish, you will rule, my honored.
Yes, but we do not want to be seen on cookies.
Gany, you should probably read the...
Hamish! He used the wrong word cookies instead of cake!
No, my honored, there is no draconian on the cookie.
But it is cake with me, Hamish says with the tilt of his head when he is in a friendly
mood.
This time he did use the correct word for cake.
But I see no draconian here.
I only wanted to celebrate that I finally believe that you exist!
His breath exhale is warm at me. I like it. It is a form of communication, him doing so. He is displaying his mood and feelings.
The sound of me breathing warm at you!
Are you alright, my Honoured?
No, not really. And Malak does not think so either. Okay, thank you for telling me,
you're honored. He tilts his head again and just watches me, confounded, such a beautiful beast,
and now I saw a clear silvery, semi-transparent flash of a creature's leg portions moving about by the best player. My leg portions?
Oh, yeah!
Don't they look like a chicken place or something?
Yeah, like the drumstick or the wing.
The leggy bits, you know.
I don't know.
Leggy portions and rift portions.
Okay, bread it and fry it and toss and sauce.
It's really good.
I do not want to be seen that way.
In what way, my honored?
I do not become in a happy mood.
Which?
Two dots.
Two thirds of an ellipsis.
Which?
Have I done that is wrong, my honored?
The sugary sweet that you do.
Hamish, he means the cake.
1238, midnight.
If Jim Morrison were alive, he would have written like this.
That's such a plot twist.
Oh, let's scroll down a little bit.
This is a long story.
Yeah, this is a fairly long...
Okay, so I'm gonna scroll down to this part, Boots.
Yeah, here you go.
Did he know about Draconians?
Did he know that there were Draconians?
No, yes. Maybe. You don't want to come to harm here?
Hamish, me, or in quotes, we? Ellipsis? Question mark. I will honor your race. I
will forbid a book about you. What book? Hamish?
The one that concerns us
Hamish whispers in his lovely gentle voice
The one that concerns us
Lovely
Hamish tilts his head again and now the other way he tilts it quite a lot his head is very small
Like Night at the Roxbury. Narration getting a little judgy here.
Now the other way.
Gosh, he's beautiful.
I think you are so beautiful.
But sweet, your first name.
Why do you write about our race?
Because I honor your race and I want to tell about you.
You are beautiful.
But we are no nice draconians.
I will honor you always.
God, he is beautiful!
Wow!
Wow! So hot. Wow! Watch out. I will watch out. I will rule here. Yes my honored
Hamish you will rule here. I will be ruled by you watch out for my race etc etc
wait wait no no no no no no no we need to go for a little bit here okay okay
watch out for my race okay yes my honored Hamish I will watch out for your
race otherwise your legs can be unscrewed broken.
I will watch out for my legs, my arm!
Hamish nearly got ready to jump into me to do the conquest.
I could feel it.
Okay, so at one point, it mentions that Hamish speaks his sentence with belches in his voice, and
it links to a YouTube video, and it's still up, and it's a video of pig sounds.
I was hoping it was that video of Maurice Lamar's doing the Whacko Warner belch.
Oh, that'd be really good.
Damn it.
So I found a short thing, or something that can be short.
It's section that's short.
I can't believe you, but I'm okay.
So the most recent thing I posted
for Dilemma or Obligation, if you scroll down to that.
Oh, all righty, yep, yep, I'm in there.
It's pretty normal.
Dilemma or Obligation.
My fish is, says Hanesh, thinks about the fish fin of a blue fish, and the lower eyelids
close as he is amused and smiling.
So when Hamish asks me for help last night, I had to think about it.
Was I going to let him take my eggs and eat my hybrid children?
See?
My Netflix show is picking up.
Everyone's going to love this episode, right?
Don't need to like a thinking emoji after it.
I was really thinking that's a Wonder Years internal monologue.
Is Daniel still doing anything?
Can we get him on Cameo?
No, no way.
No way.
I always contrast that with how humans are eating cows, pigs, chickens, and eggs.
Humans are doing the same thing, and I would do anything for my dragon turtle.
I would pull my own liver out to feed him if there was nothing else in the whole wide
world to feed this turtle.
I would die for him.
I love this dragon more deeply than he
had ever intended, more deeply than I could have ever understood. And I will spend the rest of my
days trying to figure it out, trying somehow to contain this deep love I have for dragon turtle.
Repetition, baby. The keep it love it. Don't work.
I had placed Hamish's
Snuggie ruggy on the floor beside my bed. I tend to roll it up nowadays
Well because it is in my bedroom now and so when I noticed Hamish isn't even using it for a little while I tend to roll it and tuck it away in the closet. Oh Hamish. Do you need your snuggies?
But last night I took it out and I gently laid it out
on the floor right next to the bed.
Telling Dragon Turtle that it was here now, next to me.
His ruggy snugs.
And sure enough, after Hamish had finished his conversation
and showed some power by lifting me,
he retreated to stompety stomping,
squish, squish, squash his feet into the soft blush of the rug.
I love this dragon turtle!
We are soulmates!
He's so beautiful!
He's just like a cuddly-wuddly guy that wants to conquer the earth.
To eat children.
And aid my aid.
I don't understand many things.
Hold on.
I don't understand many things.
I don't understand why the military are training me
with mind control sometimes.
Yeah, sure.
I know, right?
I don't understand why General Davies has to have sex
with me when I don't even get to remember.
Okay, yeah. I don't understand why the Davies has to have sex with me when I don't even get to remember. Okay, yeah.
I don't understand why the aliens can't let me stay awake for abductions when I want nothing more than to meet them.
Okay.
Uh, oh, just a little bit of dialogue here.
Yep, yep.
I was here with my eggs, Hamish.
I was with my Hamish.
I was dominant.
Hamish says and closes his eyes in the narrowest slit and closes his nostrils.
Yes, it is the face, the lemon face, as I like to call it.
Oh.
Yeah, I got you.
I got you.
It goes on.
It's very excited, actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It goes on, but like my favorite headline
out of this page is the headline,
reptiles have sex with me, whoa!
Whoa, you guys!
I'm just gonna skip that for my intro.
I'll just skip to the last line.
I forgot to say, Hamish also bought a nice large sheet of his Shetted Scales and put it on my bed last night.
Oh, brought, sorry.
I could tell that it was one of Hamish's finest. Okay, so now we're going to go to Zarla.
I've heard about these...
Never mind, never mind.
I wanted to lead you in, but I don't want to use any of these words.
I want you to be the one to see these delightful words.
Is this a PDF file?
Yep!
It sure is!
That makes it proof.
Well then I have to go through my Arcane Movement Stable to get this to actually be visible.
Like bring it out of the depths of archive.org.
I hope they say PDF files.
Okay.
Yeah, well, you don't actually want the PDF because there's ten pages of it.
Oh, there is.
This lady likes to write.
So you just wanted to say the name of it.
So you just wanted to...
Okay, so this is my short story.
It's incredibly true, and it's called Showered and Taken to the baby factory mansion.
The note is DNA is repaired during pizza time.
Is it both a factory and a mansion?
Or is it a mansion that's inside of the factory?
Baby factory mansion.
Okay.
Let's see.
This is a censored version of my accounts of being taken to a mansion in another dimension
inhabited by lizard people whose blood is in our royalty and aristocrats these lizards need to steal energy from children of
crystals crystals like me have extra strong energy for them to take so we are
brought into baby factories here's what happened with the adult things edited
out you will find the full version of future book and lots of other stories at
OrionMyProject.com
Subscribe to my patreon for the dirty parts.
Anyway, that breakfast is slept. And then I was led through a corridor to a small room.
In that room I was with two adult human men. The men were dressed in transparent plastic
overalls and had their own clothes underneath. So for that reason, the way that your mind
likes to fill in the gaps when you are dreaming, I dreamt that I too was wearing one of those
overalls and that I was one of them. I wasn't fully-
That's the part that you dreamt, okay.
Yeah.
I wasn't fully awake, so the dream was drifting me away with impressions and the way that
when you were dreaming, you'd believe anything.
You just take what you see and go with it and you even forget the real world that you
came from.
But then I wasn't dressing all of my clothes.
I remember being okay with it.
Also, I'm an adult, so if I'm asked and if it's some kind of formal situation that seems
to make sense, say if it was the doctor's office, this was not.
Since I was in the dream, I was willing to believe that this kind of behavior makes sense, so I took off all my clothes.
Alright, look, look, we could rewrite this episode if you guys don't like it, but I really think...
Alright?
Trust me, the practical fix on this is gonna be great.
So, okay, so they essentially, then she gets waterboarded.
I don't know why.
There's a very long description of getting waterboarded.
Okay, so next I find myself in a huge lavish mansion and they ask me if I have seen the
Biltmore house.
I say I was there once and that I wasn't there when it was Christmas when they have a Christmas tree
in every room. I felt a bit out of place being in this mansion and at the same time I felt
completely comfortable and welcome. I wasn't scared and I didn't feel stressed in any way.
Waterboarding did not have any effect. There were people around me resting in somebody's
house and although I could read the situation and atmosphere that I myself didn't live there,
it was clear that these residents had welcomed me and that I was not in the wrong place in any way
These residents very calm and casual and they're very at home there, but I'm starting to wake up
I was becoming completely awake. I raised myself in this other place
I was fully me and I started to take notes in my mind because I knew that this is an abduction scenario into another dimension
And I wanted to make sure I would remember everything and write this down for my readers. I guess... Oh, thank you! That's so nice of you!
She's writing it down the whole like...
She's doing this for us, guys.
Were you writing it down while you were getting waterboarded and stuff?
Sounds like a little notebook above.
And she's actually writing down in the notebook, glub, glub, glub.
Every little... I guess always writing these things down and posting it for my readers, it gives me a way
of pushing this away from myself and letting you all readers deal with it, as if I feel
confident that my readers will be able to figure this out, then I don't have to do it.
That is not just me.
Nope.
All right.
So there's a line of dialogue.
You are not our butterflies, but we wanted you to be, says a very tired old white lizard
man.
I don't want to be.
Go somewhere else, me.
I don't know who's talking there.
I was brought to the man who was like a patriarch of this residence.
He was having people killed on a whim.
That's an effective establishment joke.
I feel like I know a lot about this character
right now.
Totally, you know. Someone was...
It's like some law and order shit. Yeah, I've seen him. Execute that man!
I don't like that guy. I don't like his hat.
Stackin' boxes.
Stand in my way. Someone was pulling a card away as he had requested them to, but the
card was making too much noise, so he was going to have that man killed. Someone was pulling a cart away as he had requested them to, but the cart was making too much noise,
so he was going to have that man killed.
I was feeling somewhat anxious that maybe I too would be doing something a bit wrong and get killed for that reason,
but I didn't let that stop me from interacting the house and with the people.
Why not?
You know, why let that stop you?
Let's see.
She gets waterboarded again.
Seems to happen a lot. That's mostly what happens in other dimensions.
They just do it for fun.
She seems like she goes to a lot of mansions.
I think this is just fond reminiscence about being waterboarded, actually.
She goes into a kitchen, and a lady gives her some lemon bread.
She describes this in a lot of detail.
She does, doesn't she?
She does.
She really likes the lemon coffee cake, has swirls, savory bread with lemon, da da da
da da.
I was dressed in a cute dress that is totally not my style.
Someone had dressed me into it, presumably after the shower.
It was a short dress. Yes, it hides your bottoms, the tired lizard man says.
I don't know if somebody else wants to be me, if you know where I am right now.
I don't want to be. No one wants to be you if you're here.
No, it's too late. Somebody has to be me. You're in here with me now.
I got it. Why do you say that?
Did I actually go there?
And who are you?
Have you heard of the Eliza Beathens?
We are with them.
Don't be angry.
What?
The Eliza Beathens.
Eliza Beathens.
We are with them.
Don't be angry.
Says very tiredly.
Come.
Oh, see, the Eliza Beathens.
The Eliza Beathens.
The lizards that are just very simply computer-generated.
They're very simple.
They're very simple.
They're very simple. They're very simple. They're, the Eliza Beathens, they're – Elisa Beathens? Pete Slauson The lizards that are just very simply computer
generated text.
Jared Larkin How do you feel about the Eliza Beathens?
Who are the Eliza Beathens?
Do you mean royalty?
But you're a lizard and you're very tired too.
Why are you so tired?
Are you okay?
I think you don't feel good.
I'm worried about you.
They keep us here in chains.
I hope you catch a break.
I worry about you.
Sucks to you.
The man is crying now, sobbing.
I'm sorry, babe.
And then I took a selfie from my Instagram and left.
They keep us here in chains.
Oh, thoughts and prayers.
She goes into a long description of this dress she's wearing.
And then the Tired Man says, it was made to get you pregnant in.
The dress? Yes, it says, short dress, lot of ruffles.
It was made to get you pregnant in, the tired man says.
Why? Why do you do this? We are with the hillocks, he says. They mean
prostitute men. What is a hillocks?
He just sobs some more. Oh man, okay.
It's making a real production of it. Jesus. Are you okay? Who are you?
Some stranger just comes up and he's like that dress is for you to get pregnant in.
Could I love him more? Why are you crying?
They tell me they will beat me if I don't come here, he says, and is sad.
I wish I could save you.
Who are the Elizabethans?
Catnip!
Hamish shows up as a bright fire engine red finger.
Oh, his catchphrase. I love it.
Yeah.
The cutest sock puppet head and bright yellow eyes like light bulbs and says in a fashion
that makes me delighted he sure is a cutie.
Oh hello Hamish, my Hamish turtle sock feet.
Is somebody else gonna be Hamish?
Oh yeah, I'll reprise my role as Hamish.
Yes, no, me.
Why not you?
Why not Hamish?
And Hamish looks confused, and she talks about the shoes she's wearing.
Yeah!
Goes into that.
Walks out of the mansion, goes down through that, walks from the backyard, thinks about that and the lemon cake.
Actually, could we scroll down? So, if you'll take, you'll take, uh, Ganymede, uh, you're gonna be the, uh, the lizard, please?
Um, and, uh, and, uh, if you'll, if you'll scroll down to, it was not for courtship.
It was not for courtship.
Says the very tired lizard who is wearing a black suit, his body is all slumped.
Why are you so tired? Are you weak?
Haha, weak fools.
No, but my DNA is falling apart.
What?
Oh, it happens.
I wouldn't characterize myself as weak, more so under the weather.
It got wet, you know, and that just ruins the structural integrity of it.
Like, you've got like a paper grocery bag and it just has DNA written on it.
Like you've got like a paper grocery bag and it says DNA written on it
Why why does it fall apart on you and what is the remedy the pizza time
He lights up in his eyes look crazy and bewildered. Pizza time. Sauce lust. Pizza time. Pizza time. You mean food keeps you alive? That is not what I said.
Red. Whatevs.
Sorry.
Oh my god.
Wow, maybe this character is me.
Whatevs, man.
Hamish shows up again.
Of course.
I think.
You were not our flower, he said, Buttercups.
Hamish lights a bright fire engine red.
I love you, Hamish.
You are my Hamish, my red dragon turtle.
Love that, Hamish.
I love this dragon sock.
That's not me.
That's actually written there.
I don't understand.
Did you say sock?
There's no period.
So it says, I love this dragon sock, I am sure that even a royal person
would appreciate being treated as a person, not as a thing.
So I don't know.
Yeah, Hamish is definitely a sock puppet in real life.
They have to be talked to sock puppets, that'd make a lot of sense.
I love that she'll get into dialogue with other people, then Hamish will show up, do
a line, just so she can go, oh Hamish, I love you so much.
Hamish, the Poochie of interdimensional drag.
Yeah.
I like that he showed up as a fire engine and then lit up bright fire engine red.
It feels appropriate.
They can change to different forms.
It's a very popular trope, these cartoons.
Let's see. Okay, so I'm skipping like a whole lot of nothing, as far as I can tell.
Yeah, there's definitely some PG-13 sex scenes where it's like, subscribe to my channel for the good shit.
And so, but I will go.
And then they showed me a quick mental visual of none other than actor Tom Cruise.
I wrote down the conversation around that, which was, do you know about?
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Cortex, you are, you are they.
You are the character known as they.
I am they.
Oh God, I can't even find where we are.
Tom Cruise, you want to search for Tom Cruise?
I do want to search for Tom Cruise and see if he'll take my spot on this podcast.
All right.
Well, you can also look for the all caps alatropofan.
I suppose I could.
Alatropofan sounds basic.
Oh, here we go.
Okay.
Actually, a quick bit of a...
So, can you read the paragraph that has alatropofan in it?
Okay.
Then they asked me if I remembered the drink I had been given. Alitropofan sounds vaguely realistic as a cow. Oh, here we go. Okay. Can you read the paragraph that says Alitropofan in it?
Okay.
Then they asked me if I remembered the drink I had been given.
I vaguely remembered having been given a drink maybe after the shower.
They said it was Alitropofan.
Let me write that again.
Alitropofan!
Alitropofan!
Alitropofan!
Alitropofan!
I wrote that down, too.
A quick internet search now does not reveal anything for that name
From that they said that one of them in real hip null and I had never heard of that before
Alot of a fan sounds vaguely realistic as a chemical
Maybe we humans don't have it, but only they do. They have lots of chemicals over there. Are we in fucking Trooper Tales all of a sudden?
Lots of dumb chemicals over there, whatever.
Maybe the aliens trademarked a different name than we use.
We should have a TM after it.
Oh, right. Tom Cruise.
Do you know about that one?
No.
Me?
No.
Why we use him so much?
You mean Tom Cruise.
I guess.
Why do you use him so much?
Because he has got dragon's blood.
And that's verbatim!
And then I went into a long-hamish dragon turtle adoration, where I hoped that I had some...
And meanwhile everybody looked at their watch, I assume.
We haven't been to Hamish in like 30 seconds, we gotta get on this.
I spent three hours in a sock puppet love fugue.
Oh, so Illuminati confirmed, huh? Anyway, I love Hamish.
Okay, so Hamish Dragon Troll Adoration, where I hope that I had some of Hamish's dragon blood in me, and that I wish I was just like my Hamish Dragon Troll Adoration where I hope that I had some of Hamish's dragon blood in me and that I wish I was just like my Hamish.
I love Hamish. I stayed in bed for a while calling for Hamish to come to me.
I said that if Hamish comes me then I would feel safe.
Last night Hamish was scared because while he was on the bathroom ruggy in the bathroom,
one of the Dark Lords was pestering him.
So I had told Hamish to come into my room and I made space for him next to me on the bed so that he could be beside the wall.
I told him that he could climb over me and stay in my bed next to me and I would guard him.
I would have done that too, but he didn't take me up on my offer.
Wow, shut down. Hamish was not into it, but I love my sock turtle so much.
Do you?
So there are plenty more conversations. So the gist of this is that somehow there is another version of me in another dimension
where energy vampiric lizards live.
These lizards, from what I understand, have their own blood and DNA.
Most things do have their own blood and DNA.
Mostly.
Who are royalty and aristocrats.
In the other dimension, these lizard versions of these humans live in these mansions and
royal castles and are very wealthy indeed.
They sun themselves on the best rocks.
Yes. The lizards are very old and they try to stay alive and immortal and they also experience
a sexual lust when they ingest life force from children and crystals. A crystal is a
human that literally has small crystals in their body that enable them to carry a bright
white light. Dark Lord taught me that yesterday as he said
that he was quote, breaking my crystals.
Oh, Dark Lord.
But it goes into what makes up sodium chloride.
Can you do the next paragraph pretty please?
Crystals are abducted?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Anyhow, crystals are abducted and then they put us into a baby factory.
Someone watched me to prepare me for the sex.
And I was also told in the morning, or actually I woke up past noon, that the Prince Charles
that we have in this dimension of ours, he does not know about these things that happen
in the other dimension, so we should not tell him.
Now look, he's gonna be weird if we tell him he would do something about it.
It would just ruin his whole day.
Right.
Listen, don't tell Prince Charles about the baby factories.
It'll be a whole thing for him.
It's just gonna make him mad.
Also when I woke up, one of the CIA men came to talk to me.
I told him I would like to come back to see him there in the other dimension so that we
could talk this through and he could tell me what I need to do and I would trust
his judgment. One of the things he said is that he likes to go golfing. That is how he
deals with the stresses of this. I told him that I like to dance to do the same. It takes
all the stresses away and I get to forget about everything else. He's a nice blonde
US man with a black suit. He has to oversee these alien things. Oh! You know, it didn't occur to me that this lady is British until now.
Uh-oh. Do we need to bust out our asses?
I guess. I mean...
No, but I feel like she's giving us signals now that she's British.
She is kind of hinting at it.
She lists soccer in a bunch of these batches. I've been looking through her website, by the way.
She mentions soccer and doesn't call it football, so I don't know.
Or the footy.
Yeah, or the footy.
I love my dragon footy.
From what he said, if we, humanity, don't give these lizards their babies and sacrifices
and things, then the lizards would go after the general public and that would be far worse.
At least this way, the problem is contained.
Also the lizards play serious threats if they are not allowed to do these things and helped. You know, these things like murder, killing people, you know.
Those dumb things.
And then a lot of it was cut, so.
There is a story that I'm going to skip past, really only because of length, but it is surprisingly
filthy.
Oh no.
It's a surprisingly filthy story called Agent Trellis and the Bologna Sandwich.
That kind of sounds like a porn story.
Oh, Agent Trellis and the Bologna Sandwich.
Yo, what's that?
One of the very early things in that is Trellis says,
Man, you've got a great-looking pussy!
Reminds me of a Bologna Sandwich.
Mostly thinks to himself about my stuff.
You know, all that stuff I got, you know, down in that stuff.
You know. My etc.
Gather round children for Agent Trellis and a baloney sandwich.
Uhhhh, okay, so, uh...
Well, so, uh...
Yeah, go for it.
Now mind you, I'm flying blind on here.
This might not be anything, so we can just cut this.
Fair enough. Yeah, go for it. Go for it.
So me and Trellis were talking earlier, and I told him
if he likes foods like baloney, he needs to check his cholesterol.
And I suggested he watch a video of heart bypass surgery
and stop eating animal proteins and animal fats.
I also asked him if he is eating any fruits. I get really worried when people put that white lard that clogs inside
of their blood vessels. It makes me really scared for them. One of the things Charles
said then was something I forget, which was something about women like you. And I said,
you do not know what women like me are. And he probably thought I was like some woman
with long blonde hair. And he thought about back in high school and things. And I told him that I would have been
a girl in school who likes physics and doesn't like too many people. He doesn't know me at
all. So I guess not like other girls, I guess is the problem.
Of course, she's the most special. Again, Amid, this story that I've just found is titled, The Non-Bat from a
Cave Covered in Dung and Wants to Drink My Blood.
That sounds like a light novel title.
Chuck Dingo needs to get out of the way.
Yeah, exactly. So, Alidian, um, uh, I'll lead you in.
You're gonna be playing the role of me, uh, and then, uh, Zarlay, you're gonna play the role of it, please.
Okay. Great.
Let's have a conversation between me. Who's, who's bat?
Uh, you're gonna be bat, Bruce. Okay, good.
Okay, uh, uh, this is an excerpt from my notes of telepathic contact with alien beings in the US military
who try to keep them at bay.
The notes continue before and after this excerpt.
Fine, lots more, blah blah blah.
Um, yeah, so, uh, 1209 noon.
So, hmm, okay.
Don't shoot my dragons!
I yelled at a military man who made contact with me remotely, or perhaps more likely than
an alien let me see him, and the man was there shooting, was standing there in the military
quarters and he lifted his shirt or jacket to show me that he had a gun sitting tucked
in with the nozzle on his waist, the gun nozzle, of the pants.
I sensed from the context that it was, that it was to protect him, me, from aliens.
Just prior to the man sending me the mental image of a large bees head,
telling me that aliens look like bees, and I said that I guess they do.
I guess so.
That's so true.
Aliens be looking like bees, am I right?
The Athuban ones sort of do look like bees. If he shoots at my dragons, I will go after him.
My Hamish! And I nearly wanted to break down.
Fall down on my knees and place my hands over my eyes and just sob and cry so deeply.
We made it an entire paragraph without mentioning Hamish.
Do you know how much restraint that took?
One line of dialogue.
A single line of dialogue.
The Japanese when Hamish, okay sorry, sorry, when the thought of someone hurting the dragon
would kill me.
The Japanese when Hamish first showed up, I thought I skipped a line. Okay. The Japanese, when Hamish first showed up there at the Komisaki coastal hangars,
they had shot my dragon. Oh Hamish, my Hamish. Oh Captain, my Captain. Look at me. This is
all coming after this one line of dialogue. Look at me, I look like a bat, and I can't even fly.
Oh wait, no, I'm sorry, that was a bat.
I'm so sorry, that was your line, Boots, I apologize.
Oh, oh yeah.
You're just giving him a line read.
It's direction, because this is the table where you film a show.
Look at me, I look like a bat! And I can even fly!
A batwing reptoid makes his presence known.
It even gave me a mental image of a deep cavern that has a straight down vertical drop in
the jungle somewhere and bats living down there in the cave.
It showed me its wings.
I can't tell in the dark image of him whether it's his body or a black or a shade of gray.
Hello, who are you?
I'm visiting!
He says, and spreads his winged arms in what the pterodactyl had called ceremonial magic.
Gargoyle of Northpointe does that too.
Gargoyle of Northpointe does everything.
This classic gargoyle of Northpointe.
You are beautiful to see.
Welcome.
Me at the end of the bat, Reptoid thinks about sucking blood.
It had the thought of blood in its mouth. My God, are these real life vampires?
Just think that such creatures would exist in this God's grace universe.
I like real life.
I guess it is the bat.
I guess it is the bat.
Yeah, real life bat wing creatures that are human size and actually like to drink
blood. We also like to see your feces. Did you mean faces? No.
Well, why is that? Why? How does it benefit you? We are
studying and making marks.
What is your name?
What should I call you?
I have no further questions about the feces thing.
Nope.
I'll answer it.
The Heart Eater!
It speaks and its eyes glow red.
Oh, its eyes glow with red.
With red, yes.
Are you a gargoyle?
I want to ask and I guess I already said it, but I don't expect it to know whom I dubbed
as gargoyle.
We are not friendly creatures.
But can you and I be friends?
I doubt it.
Unlikely.
Why are you mean to me?
Because...
Because we collect you for evidence!
You're a handsome sight. Your body's beautiful.
Okay, okay.
You remind me of my friend Hanesh.
Ava, Ava, I think you have to work on your taste in men.
Little desperate here.
Yes.
Wait, was she attracted to a man at some point?
I missed that.
It's only been lizards and dragons.
Can't we be friends?
No.
And then she just unbuttons her shirt.
We must be more.
I'm sorry. We are here with our group.
He kind of smiled when he said the second sentence.
Well it is nice to meet you dear bat dragon.
I would like to, you know-
No wait, no there's a second one.
Oh shit.
Oh that is you again, sorry.
Sorry, you have to read so far ahead to figure out whose dialogue it is. Right?
For some reason.
I would like to know you.
It is a privilege to speak with you.
What kind of species are you?
Where do you come from?
I am not a bat.
Then what are you, a draconian?
Yes, indeed, miss.
Approximately, I didn't quite hear, or maybe I did.
Can I ask, do you live in another dimension than I?
What are you, a fool?
I like to suck women's blood.
You don't need italics.
Yeah.
You don't know the italics. Yeah.
Hmm, how to respond to that.
It is what we have on our dinner plate.
Dinner table.
I see.
That is okay.
It has lots of nutrition and it is easy to assimilate.
How do you know? Stick up for yourself, Eva!
Come on, Eva.
How do you know so much about us?
I want to object, but you're making such a good case for eating me.
I have been curious and learned a lot.
I appreciate knowing you.
Just don't kill me or anything.
You see, the grand thing is that a human can offer to donate blood without it having to be killed.
Yes, we also eat goats.
He reminded me about a certain other gargoyle now, doesn't he?
But this is not the gargoyle himself, this is a different individual.
The guy in the back knows what I'm saying.
It's not the gargoyle, it's just a gargle.
You've read all of my insane stories at this point.
Every last one, cover to cover.
Please do not let them call us a bat.
The thing is that's attributed to bat.
Says what I am calling a bat.
No, no, they, they can't call you a bat.
You?
I mean, you've earned the right.
Then what should you be called?
Please don't make me have to call you the hard eater.
How about not bats? And that is also attributed to bats.
It's just bat with grout glasses.
I guess it's a spoiler that she doesn't agree.
I suppose I would like to call you a gargoyle because you look like one.
It is a distinguished name enough.
Are you here to feed on me?
No, we have trapped mice.
Have you? How did you trap them?
Er.
All right, when that goes on.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I was gonna read this one.
One more line.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're living in the cave with me,
and we drink their juice
Underlying for some reason mouse juice
Mouse juice
No, it has a copyright note this is copyright copyright author of the right project
This does go on for quite a while yeah, it really it really does and she keeps calm all the way through yeah but hey but hey miss shows up so
everything is but it was really nice oh I'm sorry just just for a second we have
goes into a strong ceremonial magic it's belly filled with the tingle where do
you live says me hi this is General Patton, says General Patton. Whoa! Yep, alright. This General Patton shows up a lot, and he's...
I don't know what he is.
Is this sort of turning into a little bit of a Scooby-Doo crossover?
Yeah.
Just like the actual...
Harlem Globetrotter!
Harlem Globetrotter!
And then their response is just, what is it, General?
How you doin'?
There's a line of dialogue here from Bat
that doesn't appear to be connected
to a larger conversation where it says,
about our dung, our feces.
Don't worry about it.
All right.
As long as I got Hamish to think of, I won't.
Something has stolen our lich.
I'm so curious, yes?
Portax just posted a link here for more like asteroid alien tour with...
I swear to God it's the Futurama alien font.
It really looks like the Futurama alien font.
But anyway, down at the bottom there's a short post that Ava wrote called,
I Was Guarding the Eggs Too.
I see, I see. All right. So I was guarding the eggs too.
On September 3rd, 2019, 1117 a.m.
I was in the kitchen last night working on the computer by the kitchen table,
and I had the door to the kitchen closed.
Hamish was sitting comfortably on the living room sofa,
and may have even been watching television,
which a family member, who is totally unaware of my Hamish, was watching. Unless Hamish was
just content with the sofa in itself, they lived with somebody? That's like the most
shocking thing to think about.
It was a corpse, don't worry about it.
But anyway, I could sense that Hamish felt a bit anxious as he wanted to come to the
kitchen to guard the eggs. I told Hamish to stay on the sofa and that I would help him.
I would guard the eggs. So Hamish stayed sitting comfortably on the sofa. Only a little moment
later a bright light green reptilian showed up in the kitchen. I assumed that it was here
about the eggs, thinking that Hamish was not guarding. So I did Hamish's job. I informed
the reptilian. I may have first told her that it was cute as who could resist.
Man, she is down for every alien that she sees.
And I told him that I was with Hamish. I even referred to Hamish as a langoustine. Is that how you say it? Langoustine?
Is that a real word? I don't know.
Hamish was smiling with his eyes and he stayed on the sofa.
He did not rush into the kitchen to chase the reptilian out.
The green reptilian did not respond and left.
I don't care about the eggs, but I want to keep Hamish.
And if Hamish wants to enjoy sitting on a snug sofa, then I can help him.
I can chase off invading reptilians too.
And I did."
So this guy shows up, says, you watching those eggs?
And she's like, you're pretty cute.
And then there's just awkward silence and then he leaves, I assume.
I bet that is fairly reflective of that person's life, yes.
It took a while for Dinosaur Comics to find called, Nothing at All, Just Oatmeal.
Oh, good. So it's gonna be normal. This is a slice of life episode, okay? Everyone's
gonna... This is where we take it back from all the adventure. We have like...
We have to sit down. Have some water.
We had to do a hard sell, but now we want to ground the characters and really make you
feel good.
Yeah, yeah.
So, there is nothing like having a dinosaur come up to you and talk without words.
Well, okay.
Maybe next time, everybody.
There is nothing like having a dinosaur come up to you and talk without words and only
using his series of two frog chirps to speak and somehow I understand everything he is saying because we are so well connected and because he uses
mental images to speak to me with there is nothing like having a dinosaur come up to
you and let you know that he wants to see my breakfast when it comes out of his poo.
Sorry!
Whatever I thought that was going.
This website is also very full of deciding that dinosaurs are frogs.
It is very weird.
But anyway, nothing like it at all.
Oh, the comedy.
Oh, the comedy.
Here is a grand dinosaur.
He studies bacteria and poo.
It's not like they talk about physics and the secrets of the universe.
I feel like you can't study one without studying the other.
I didn't think that the dinosaurs talked about physics to begin with.
It didn't seem like it would be very relevant.
Maybe that meteor wouldn't hit him if they were a little more interested in it.
It's not like they talk about physics and the secrets of the universe.
They just want to see what my oatmeal is going to look like.
Yay. He's right behind me, isn't he? I just want to see what my oatmeal is gonna look like. Uh, yay. There are many bacteria there.
He's right behind me, isn't he?
What was that dinosaur?
Sorry.
There are many bacteria there.
Dinosaur says N-words this time.
Yes, there are, says me.
He says me!
Says I.
And your mouth mouth too.
Says Hamish a bit seriously.
Yes yes, me says.
Yes yes, me says.
Me says on the website.
I wanted to see your mouth.
Dinosaur asks.
Yes, see it, I am here for that.
Do you want to see it now?
Says me.
Yes, otherwise there will be beatings!
He threatens to beat Dinosaur with a white bat otherwise.
A white bat.
Whoa, Avis, dial it down.
I'm a lover and a fighter.
I want we wanted to see in your nose.
Says Dinosaur. dinosaur yes do that says me
That's where seems I want I wanted to see you with Malik says Hamish
Yes, do that says me
And we will blame you
Says Malik in a voice that is not sugar and spice
oh Why why am I being blamed my king? says Malik in a voice that is not sugar and spice.
Oh, why? Why am I being blamed? My king? says me.
Cool! Dinosaur shows me a mental image in a live action like a video where they are using a small white see-through plastic
Tubing which is vacuuming in saliva and I even hear the sound that it makes it sounds like when you're at the dentist Oh how cool I want to do that
May please experience that? I want to see that tubing. This is so much fun says me
Yes
And you will guard my eggs
you have said. Hamish to me yes I will watch over your hoonoon
hoonoon this is me then what then what Hamish was cute this morning
well first I was kind of grumpy and unavailable. Of course it always goes that way.
Dear diary. The dinosaurs were just in the kitchen like, what?
Come on, man.
Get a Root Mutant.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
All right, all right, all right.
I'm going to move away from this one.
Because there's another one that I'm excited to hear.
And oh, I just realized that we really could make this a nine hour episode.
But we won't. But we could. that we really could make this a nine hour episode, but we won't. We won't.
But we could!
But we really easily could.
Boots, this story is called No Santa Pajama!
No Santa Pajama.
No Santa Pajama!
January 12th, 2013.
Help!
I'm dying here.
Help save me.
My dragon is acting the cutest I've ever seen. I'm about to burst.
This is just too much for any human to handle. Help! Oh my god, I'm gonna die of the oo-woo!
Meet Genevier. She is one of my Sims in the video game, The Sims 1.
All The Sims characters start out with a default green pajama when they go to sleep.
I just got Genevier, this brand new red pajama from the store.
And this is the first night she has used it.
Hey, Eve, question for you.
Are you a shut-in?
What do you mean?
You mean shut in with Hamish?
They're playing Sims 1 in 2015?
I wish I was shut in with Hamish.
That stuck out to me too.
Like, Sims 1 came 2013? I wish I was shut in with Hamish.
That stuck out to me too.
Like, Sims 1 came out in like 2000?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.
I'm just getting into it.
It's 2013, I'm playing The Sims 1.
What's your problem?
It is embarrassing that the weirdest part of the story
is to me that it's not Sims 2.
It's 2015 and your Sims have just now busted out of the default clothing.
Yeah, right?
Took a long time to unlock.
Help! I'm about to die here! I can't handle this overload.
Oh my god.
And I'm really struggling to hold it straight face so they don't giggle or laugh or ruin it.
I'm trying to be serious so that Hamish will continue with his funny behaviors so that I don't disrupt it.
This is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me.
Me too.
Red pajamas.
I hope that's not true.
Is she like typing this over Hamish's back?
Like what?
What?
Anyway, as soon as Jennifer changed into pajamas,
as soon as Hamish outbursts by saying,
why?
And I'm darn sure he even said, why, Santa?
Because when he saw her wearing red pajama,
Hamish says right now,
somebody be Hamish.
I don't want Sims to have any power.
Hamish says calmly as if it makes perfect sense.
After Hamish said, why, Santa?
And I'm trying really hard to keep a straight face, not burst into laughter.
Hamish then says, and I nearly die from all the fun I'm trying to keep inside.
Has it eaten birthday cake?
Because it may not.
Hamish says about poor old Genevier who has not eaten birthday cake.
Hamish has a thing about birthday cake and sweets.
He restricts sweets as a form of control of the hybrids.
Also that I am not allowed any sugar because it disrupts my DNA and
HUNEN eggs.
So Hamish in his tantrum about seeing Genevier wearing a red pajama, Hamish just borts out the Genevier
to, sorry, the Genevier to mustn't, mustn't.
Mustn't.
Mustn't, yes.
Mustn't.
Mustn't have any sugar to eat.
In his cute, adorable, lovable, cute, confused, outraged state
that I've seen precious examples of a few times.
I.e. sometimes when Hamish is upset,
he will say something that is just fragments of thoughts
that he picked out and the sentences
don't make perfect sense.
Cause poor dragon is just so upset.
Do you ever let him post on your behalf? Just curious.
No, why?
He's a copy-etter.
He needs a typist for that.
More Hamish after the birthday cake comment.
Yay!
I have not been here at the bathroom. No.
Hamish. He has been camping out in the bathroom like
he always does that night on a snug on a snug ruggy Hamish says with such rage
that Hamish is shaking I will take I will take take struggle hole on it.
Hamish about Genevier.
Oh man, Hamish is really furious about Santa because Santa wears red clothes.
And Hamish was hissing and angry at the wooden covered garden gnomes in the Sims 1 game
because they have these red pointy hats.
And then when I wore my red negligee once, Hamish just stared.
It stared in a way that was so peculiar
and I guess a bit uncomfortable
that I never really wore the negligee again.
This was before I realized that Hamish actually dislikes red.
Even though he's bright red.
Wait, wait, wait.
At least hit the last part of that parenthetical.
Oh, okay.
At least hit the last part of that parenthetical. Oh, okay.
At that time, I thought that maybe he likes to see red,
because he has never forbidden me from wearing red, or even mentioned red,
but on the other hand, he forbids me from wearing any turquoise,
because turquoise is the color worn by the Resistance Force.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Oh my God, Hamish and his reactions.
This was superb.
Superb, I tell you.
Exquisite.
Classic Hamish.
Really?
I have been playing that game all wrapped up in my own thoughts as Genevieve does her
household chores and worries about promotions and about adopting a pet.
And on top of it, all she has, on top of it all, she
has got a cold and I'm worried if she could die or what. And then all of a sudden out
of nowhere, why Santa? Hamish says with complete seriousness. Oh man, you should have seen
his reaction. Now.
I shouldn't be there.
Oh, I haven't stomped out.
Hamish, about stomping his feet on the bathroom rug.
This dragon is priceless.
Wait, oh, okay, I get it, I'm sorry.
This dragon is priceless, priceless I tell you.
Oh man, I'm about to burst this dragon, it's too precious.
And as I burst into laughter and giggles and can't help it,
laughing more than I have in a very long time, Hamish says,
My mouth goes over your race?
Yeah, I saw that.
Uh.
When Hamish says, my mouth goes over your race,
it is a subtle verbal threat that basically he would
and could eat my race. And I am supposed to feel fear and intimidated.
Phew, I was so worried that he would be upset that I'm laughing, because I've been trying
so hard not to laugh at this exquisite fun.
How dare you.
I haven't tamed you.
I take this as that he isn't upset at my laughing or knowing Hamish.
He would have reacted otherwise.
My mouth goes over your race rather indicates that he is
being just his normal Hamish self.
I might wear my red negligee for him soon just to see what he does.
Though I'm afraid to do because of the way he stared last time.
Man, you really keep the spark alive in this relationship.
I may or may not wear negligee of a color you approve of.
Keeping it alive in the bedroom.
Hamish is so controlling.
He is.
Hamish has been cranky today, by the way.
So cranky.
Not like the hissy fit cranky, but just cranky all day.
Sigh.
I just hope his usual innocent childlike self.
He.
I just hope he's his usual innocent, childlike self. He, I just hope he's his usual, innocent, childlike self tomorrow.
Cranky Hamish.
But this was fun.
Yikes.
I'm genuinely afraid to open up the Sims one game again.
Cause Jennifer is still wearing that red pajama.
It's now a singular pajama.
And it's no longer spelled with a Y. Yeah.
So she's got this dragon- sorry, go ahead.
I'd better put her in the bath right away and maybe think about buying her another pajama.
Suck a pajama!
But it's like she's got this dragon puppet on her other hand while she's playing, and it's just like the dragon puppet just pulls the mouse away from her other hand.
It's like a giant oven mitt.
Yeah.
Her social worker shows up to an apartment, she's like, oh, you're going to have to take
off that jacket.
Hamish doesn't like that.
Oh god, I would run.
Oh my god.
There's another story in here that just starts with, so I'm playing the video game The Sims
1 on the computer and...
Wait, most of these stories are about The Sims 1.
Some of you are kind of talking about Hamish in a way that suggests you may not think he
actually exists.
Right, I'm sorry.
We're just not convinced.
And whether you meant to or not, allow me to present evidence. Does Hamish exist?
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! This is what I need. Lots of internet sites write about fantastic claims of mythical creatures, and many readers
are convinced because the author writes persuasively, like me, or that the readers want to believe.
This is not one of those websites.
Share my personal experiences with Hamish the Great.
I also want to present that to you in a scientific, evidence-based format, best I can.
Yay! Yay!
Yay!
Yeah, I love science.
Consistency in accounts.
One indication that Hamish might be real...
I do.
...is that so many people around the world are reporting these same Draconian reptilians and in the same way.
Nope!
That is unfortunately true.
Are they?
I have one else who is... Do they get them to put on the glasses they do.
You know all those other websites that do dialogue with a quote first and then the attribution afterwards?
See, this is why I stopped playing Sims 1.
Like, every time I put one of my sims in red, this guy just comes up.
That's gotta give me lip. I can't deal with it. Many are talking about these scaly lizard men of various colors who are in charge of teams of aliens
Which include the Zetas and who come from the Draco star system
We're starting with the most compelling evidence first
They worship the yellow pyramid with the creepy eye on top of it.
Capitalized.
Bill Cipher!
Bill Cipher!
Y-P-C-E.
Bill Cipher.
It is.
This one seems a little thin.
Let's skip down to the next point, which is that Hamish can lift and push me!
The best evidence I have of Hamish being real!
Oh, he does carry, bro. Hahahaha!
Is that he can physically maneuver my body.
Almost without exception, he will
only maneuver my body while I am in bed.
When I am lying down in bed,
Hamish can lift my body up
and he likes to position me on all fours,
i.e. on hands and knees in bed.
Or he can also lift me up.
Can I ask you a question?
Can I ask you a question?
Where is your face in relation to your hair?
Your question will determine the veracity of your story.
I guess my face would be down and my ass is kind of
oriented in the opposite direction. Uh... ALL LAUGHING
Or he can also lift me up sitting with a straight back.
Hamish can also flip me from one side to the other, i.e. from left to right, or right to left.
Whoa, both sides!
Hamish is able to highlight my model and use the transform function at any time of day.
Hamish is an amphiflipper.
Flip me around like a photoshop!
He can also pull me close to the edge of the bed or push me closer against the wall and
such.
I think you might just be a restless sleeper, honey. I don't know if you're just thrashing around.
Just like having a dog.
That's true.
He can pull my arm or both arms up above my head or lift my legs up or spread my legs
apart. He calls this behavior, quote unquote, hitting. I call it cuddles. With a Z.
With a Z!
With a Z!
Yeah! Like pets.
I would like to give you a sign of a healthy relationship.
That what one person calls hitting the other person calls cuddles.
That's good for a good flag I've gotten from Hamish.
I'm gonna argue that we suspect that it's cuddles with a Z.
Oh, that's true.
Oh, I thought there would be more subheadings. Those are the only two broad points of evidence. The third one just says, well, that's all the evidence you need. That's
all you need. Are you not amazed? Yeah, if you'll actually go down to the reason I take hitting as a form of evidence, please.
Oh, sure.
The reason why I take the hitting, so called,
as a form of evidence is because it occurs at speeds
and strengths that far surpass what I should be capable of.
Sure, we have humans who are suddenly-
Slapping your arms like a hummingbird, arms and legs.
You take both the hitting and the quitting?
We have humans who are suddenly able to lift a car to save a baby or do other
feats of superhuman strength when called for. But these physical-
Like move you on the bed?
Right. She has a license, but she's a car, actually.
Sometimes I'm facing left and then I'm face right.
That's why he was just maneuvering her body, because she's a car.
But what emergency warranted it? Herbie the love bug. Sometimes I'm facing left and then I'm facing right. That's why he was just maneuvering her body. Because she's a card.
But what emergency warranted it?
Herbie the love bug.
She's a Volkswagen thing.
Okay.
Oh.
But these physical manipulations would seem strange
even if they were somehow made by me.
Somehow.
Somehow.
They would.
They would be strange.
Look, I can't move my arms.
There's only one explanation!
Interdimensional dragon-busters!
I get flipped around and pulled and twisted in ways where I would need support against
various parts of my body in order to be able to lift myself up that way, for instance.
And I moved in ways where I would most certainly support myself with a hand or a knee to make
the movement far easier for myself if it were me doing it.
It's like seeing a human pull themselves straight up rather than push themselves up with the helping support of a knee.
It just doesn't look right.
Gymnasts, take note.
Why did you record a video, huh?
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. You know, we're in the modern era you can record video this at any point if you really wanted to
You know professional wrestlers is Hamish the only one who can do this or can the dinosaur do this too or like all the other aliens?
Yeah, no if now if you'll just scroll down to- well. Well, if you have your best friend visiting you and you did not happen to video record
their visit or collect a biological body sample or collect any form of evidence that they
were in fact there and that they are real and not imaginary, does that mean you will
tell yourself that it didn't happen and throw away that friendship entirely?
No, of course not.
I mean, I've taken photos of my friends before.
Yeah, and you're hanging out with Hamish every day and he sleeps on a rug in your bathroom.
Yeah.
He's your roommate.
Yeah, exactly.
He's my roommate pet boyfriend.
Hamish, while he may be a most exotic and unusual best friend, I enjoy his visits, and I want to
cherish my time with him. It's scary to say, because humanity doesn't quite allow me to say it,
but I know that he is real. It just remains my personal encounter that I cannot properly
share with the rest of my so-called race.
So called.
Yeah, quote unquote.
Contact me at contact at orionmindproject.com.
Wow.
What did we learn from any of this F plus?
Hamish is the best.
Yeah, Hamish, I learned a lot.
I love Hamish.
I want a Hamish of my own.
He's so cute. Everyone really came around to Hamish. This is... I want a Hamish of my own. Everyone really came around to Hamish.
Mm-hmm.
You know...
I also briefly unlearned how to pronounce Hamish.
Sorry, you're the listener.
Yeah, but actually so did she.
So like at several points,
she actually says that she pronounced it one way or the other way,
but she spells it the same way.
So the fact that she pronounced
it a different way is something that she just calls out for no reason.
Okie dokie.
I mean, this is relatively recent.
The last updates were like 2014.
2017 or something like that. Yeah, like yeah, like there's yeah, so this is This is the you think this is old internet, but it's some of it's still out there
No, yeah started in 2011. So like I mean that's when you know, presumably the yeah
The web the websites dead her YouTube is now closed
Okay, I'm just took her back to his home planet. That's great
Well, hey, miss she had made a shrine for Hamish, and that opened in 2011.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like, it actually says, like, in honor of the most wonderful dragon turtle in the whole world, this website is about Hamish.
All about Hamish.
So the bottom of the site says, the copyright is being 2011 to 2020, so this
was taken into the COVID era. Hamish decided that COVID was too much and just took this
person back to the Dragon world, I guess. And like any delightful, wonderful website
in the world, when you go to multiple pages and see multiple different copyright years
That means that somebody's manually doing that
Yeah, and that makes me real happy. Well, I'm wondering what happened to them
Like this whole site is huge. It's like did they just lose interest they stop, you know paying for it
They got the forest over something super petty after all those years
They got divorced over something super petty after all those years. Like, Hamish just didn't want to push the relationship forward.
Hamish never got divorced.
She finally got Sims 2 and Hamish wasn't as into it.
I don't need you anymore.
No, she's got the Sims 2.
She's got the Sims dressed up in the red pajamas,
and she's like, huh?
He's like, oh, I don't know.
There's something about this relationship.
Just not the same.
I just feel like we don't have that spark anymore.
It's like, it's over.
It's over between us.
I think I did learn that you can be like a secret space program type weirdo in a way that is completely apolitical.
Like maybe we didn't read the part of her website that's like deeply anti-semitic or something, but...
That's true, actually.
There appears not to be like a hateful ulterior motive to her belief in like Pleiadians and Draconians and stuff. Yeah. No, yeah, like, like perhaps, but it seems like,
like it sort of just comes from like sort of
general sublimated sex stuff.
And then she just kind of stayed there.
Yeah.
Like, because like, there was like little hints of like,
like, like reptilian sort of like
controlling powers or whatever.
Yeah.
In the evidence section, she was-
And that's real, but also like Hamish is pretty cute.
Yeah. In the evidence section evidence section, she was real, but also like Hamish is pretty cute. In the evidence section where when
she was like, you know, there are a lot of people who talk
about draconians, I was like, Well, yeah, none of them sound
like you. Yeah, very different sphere you're describing.
What do you need?
I think I think the other thing that I found like super amazing
in this thing is like is like is that there's a lot of people that have sort of imaginary boyfriends or imaginary girlfriends.
And there's a lot of people out there that have shitty boyfriends or shitty girlfriends.
But they're so cute. Like, I don't understand why you would create somebody like, whole cloth, who is like a
turtle, like a red scaly turtle with like warts.
And then, and then like, Hamish's characteristics are that, like, he's really controlling, he's
really petty.
Yeah.
But it's cute.
He doesn't speak, he doesn't speak very well.
Like, he's really childish. Yeah. And like's cute. He doesn't speak very well. Like, he's really childish and, like, has temper tantrums.
But all that's cute when they're not actually there.
Like that's some more fun character development.
We do know he likes his snuggie ruggy.
He does love his snuggie ruggy.
He does like his snuggie ruggy.
That's pretty cute.
I did learn that.
That Hamish loves his snuggie ruggy.
I guess we can take some comfort in kind of knowing that it's unlikely that Hamish would be characterized
like this if the author had encountered many abusive people.
Oh, yeah, that's probably true.
Or at least a different kind of abusive people.
Sure.
Yeah.
Sure.
That's true.
It's more seen as kind of a funny fantasy on the same wavelength as Dragon Aliens.
What if someone was just controlling and weird? Wouldn't that be just as funny as theoretical Dragon Aliens?
I mean, honestly, you know, like a website like this, and it exists for like a whole bunch of years,
and then all of a sudden it just disappears one day. It's like, I mean, I'm choosing to believe,
and I don't really want to be disproven that like, she just got better one day, it's like, I mean, I'm choosing to believe, and I don't really want
to be disproven that, like, she just got better one day.
Yeah, I mean, I got to a therapist, and she's like, whoa, what was this all about?
She literally woke up in the morning and went, oh, I'm better now.
I choose to believe that.
I choose to believe.
Like, what was that about?
Sheesh.
Man, I spent like ten solid years talking about this.
Close down the website. Just opens up her eyes. Like, what was that about? Sheesh. Man, I spent like ten solid years talking about that.
Close down the website.
Just opens up her eyes.
Starts brushing her teeth.
Huh. I think I'm fixed.
Looking around her department, she's like, huh.
I hope that's what it is, because the warning signs are everywhere with Hamish.
I don't like thinking about the alternatives.
That's true.
What if he snapped?
Maybe they went to couples therapy and they're in an amish couple.
Just took her to another dimension.
The website is always THEFBL.US.
There's stuff to read, there's stuff to do, there's merch to look at, there's...
I don't know, there's whatever.
There's also Ball Pit.
That's right.
Boots, say four words about Ball Pit.
It is a web forum.
That's not... you know, nevermind.
Okay. All right.
Or those titanated accounts.
Jesus Christ.
So many good usernames.
I love you, Heymish.
Hey, that works.
I love you, Heymish.
That's a bad...
Heymish fan club here.
I love you, Amos! Hanesh fan club here. I love you, Amos.
Game of Thrones, Hanesh gonna hook up with Nobrekker.
I'm the reason she doesn't post anymore.
You'll need to go to my Hanesh blog for updates.
Similar Hanesh thunder. up this.
Okay bye!
Oh my gosh! If I go over board, would you let me know?
Would you not? It's quite the reaction, Ish. You could label these guys anything. You could!
Me worrying about global warming and the economy.
Brrrrr!
Me trying to sleep.
When that song is stuck in your head.
Oh my god.
The milk I left out on the counter.
Just me and the boys waiting for girl to wake up.
It's a shame they cut the red guy out of the film adaptation of the Babadook.
Poor Tex, poor Tex, can we do this as a webpage? Okay, so here's my pitch. Here's my pitch.
Here's my pitch. I want to build, okay, so I'll build the entire framing of a Buzzfeed
article. Right? And then it'll just be like like 14 reaction images.
But it's just the one image.
Yes.
Is it like a quiz that just leaves the same all of the same thing?
I wasn't thinking quiz.
I was just thinking like a relatable.
OK.
Yeah.
14 scenarios where you might make this.
Yeah.
When he manspreading on the subway.