The F Plus - 41: Lemon Types In A Title For This Episode

Episode Date: March 22, 2011

The multiple award winning screenwriter Billy Wilder once said "Don't be too clever for an audience. Make it obvious. Make the subtitles obvious also." To that end, I think Mr. Wilder would applaud the fanfiction writers who we've profiled for this episode. We have Resident Evil and CSI screenplays featuring characters who actually speak their own stage direction along with the dialogue. And after that? A Star Wars crossover you probably weren't expecting. This week on The F Plus, dialogue won't be coming naturally.

Hey there, welcome to the S Plus Podcast. Terrible Things, Redwood Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. Introduces himself, and I'm John. What? Why? Why did you just do that? Questions physically. I don't know what you mean. Wait. Leans forward.

Okay, that's great. You leaned forward. Why are you narrating the things that you're doing? Puzzled. I'm narrating things? Yes, you're narrating things. Why are you speaking what are clearly directions to camera? The realization dawns on him. Oh, yes, it's because of

what we're reading today. Stands up. It's because of the stories we're reading that are poorly written and just have the stage directions written right into the dialogue. Sits back down. Oh, okay. And those stories are going to actually have stage direction inside of the dialogue? Yes.

Takes drink. That sounds terrible. That makes me want to jump off a bridge. Agrees with Lemon. Yes, it does. to jump off a bridge. Agrees with Lemon. Yes, it does. Jumps off a bridge. Hands on the dance, nobody moves now In the room tonight we have Bunny Bread. I'm Luke Skywalker and you can go fuck yourself.

Stog. I'd like a sexy burger with sexy fries and a sexy shake and put it all down the proton hole of the Death Star, please. Thank you. Come, Quatsop. It's fun. I still don't know what an eight-letter word for humanitarian is. It's here, Aquato. Hey, ladies. I'm Bunny Bread.

John? Oh, star, star, star, star, star, star, star. Vortex? No, it's star, star, star, star, star. And Lemon! Well, let's do this Resident Evil thing, and then we'll go from there. Resident Evil Outbreak. Aren't they all?

Episode 1, Outbreak. Aren't they all? Episode 1, Outbreak. Teleplay by Stephen Fisher. Based upon the Capcom video games. Teaser. Scene 1, Raccoon City Sewers. September 26, 1998. This scene takes place from a rat's point of view.

The camera, i.e. the rat, scuttles along the Raccoon City sub-sewer system pipes fixed to the roof of that section. Hearing voices, it scuttles back as an Umbrella Biohazard Countermeasure Service or UBCS team comes into view above it, through a grate separating the sub-sewer from the main sewer.

The sample's been retrieved Delta-1, over. There's a moment's pause retrieved Delta One. Over. There's a moment's pause before chatter comes over the radio. Understood. Rendezvous at extraction point B. Confirm. Confirmed. Extraction point B.

Over and out. Hunk places his radio back in this pack and the squad continues down the tunnel. A mighty primal roar echoes down the tunnel. The rat bounds off down the pipe scared. So we don't have a camera anymore. Wait, wait, wait. I thought this was

Resident Evil, not Dino Crisis, whatever it is. There's a difference? Yeah, you're right. Whatever. At least the zombie models with dinosaur models. You're the extra right here. Off-camera only voices can be heard. Holy star, star, star, star.

What the hell is that? Wait a second. So hell is okay to say, but crap isn't. This is a PG. This is a PG movie. Hostile. Take it down. The clatter of submachine

fire... That's the fire that's beneath the machine, folks. Not a super machine. Yeah. Only half a machine is firing. Can be heard rattling through the sewer. The footsteps can be heard overhead bounding past the rat.

It comes to the next grate and sees a UBCS soldier crawling backwards, firing his submachine gun at an approaching mutant which impales the soldier with its claws, sending the submachine sprawling out to the soldier's hands, and it continues firing as it bounces to the floor. What?

The rat runs up a pipe and enters a main sewer. Continuing up, it looks down from the overhead pipe to see the monster's arm lash out and behead one of the soldiers. A case he was carrying smashes to the floor, breaking open, and several vials that fall out, and the monster's

foot crashes down upon the viral contents of the sewer. Take that, viral contents. Oh no, my computer's infected. The rats nearby scuttle along, including our camera. What?

The camera rat. Oh, the rats and the camera rat. The rat-mrat, yeah. The camera rat. Very specific breed. And lap up the contents of broken vials. We see a nearby rat's eyes have turned dark red. Oh dear. I've never seen a rat that has eyes that appear to be red.

I know. You don't hang out with the right rats, man. Perhaps that rat's been up too late. We also know that a rat's favorite food is virus. The rats scuttle down the drainage pipe into the sewer management's bathroom. They lay eyes upon

two UBCS soldiers, one of whom is dead, the other fatally wounded and unable to move. The rats move over to the body. The soldier is unable to fend them off as a swarm starts to devour him. The camera now moves off the rat's perspective and pans upwards out of the sewer management facility,

upwards to street level. It's nighttime, and it focuses upon the neon glow over the overhead J's bar. End of teaser. Wait, as the audience member, I'm assuming that the rat ate the man and then was able to fly?

Yes. Rats can fly. Well, when they have red eyes, the camera moves off the rat's perspective. But how do I know that? Only camera rats. Only camera rats. Because you'd see the inside of the rat's head's polygons and shit.

You'd see the back of the rat's head's polygons and shit. You'd see the back of its eyes and its teeth. Do you think he stole the fire from the submachine and he was able to fly with that? Levin, you clearly haven't read the Resident Evil wiki. You don't know enough about what the T-virus can and can't do. It clearly can make rats fly.

You're right. Act 1. Scene 2. Jay's Bar. September 27th, 1998 It's around 8pm the next evening The camera opens upon a day calendar displaying the 27th and pans backward and we see many people in the bar, roughly 14 including Officer Kevin Ryman

Wager Cindy Lindex, Security Guard and former Vietnam vet Mark Wilkins with his friend and also security of our Bob Johnson, Raccoon City Subway employee Jim Chapman, former David King, reporter Ellis Ashcroft. Dr. George Hamilton. Student Yoko Suzuki. Bartender Will Ferrell. What?

He's filming semi-pro shoot. Deepest bartender ever. As well as a group of four friends. Nobody else has friends. Jamie Daniels, Colin Peel, Jackie Burton, and Harry White. You're a cleric in there and you got a full team. I got to say that since he says Plumber David King, Plumber and David are capitalized but not King, so I'm assuming this man is the ruler of all Plumber Davids ever.

You know what's a good thing to do in the first scene of your movie? Introduce 14 characters. All the characters. I like how Mark Wilkins is a former Vietnam vet. He's no longer a Vietnam vet. He had to retire from being a Vietnam vet. Well, it was really just sex tourism I was going

there for. At least it's very descriptive. I'm sure the next sentences will really set up the setting as well as the characters. The pump TV plays with some music from a jukebox in the background. That we guys can license. I don't want to be picky.

It's like one of those old hockey movies. TV reporter. An exhilarating win for the Raccoon Mets today in a victory of skill and teamwork. I thought it was the team that won. Thank you, Tom Brokaw. Kevin Ryman sits at the bar and waitress and former girlfriend.

She's a professional former girlfriend. She treats everyone like a huge bitch. The top of her CV says former girlfriend. It's got to say Cindy, waitress, former girlfriend. Cindy Lennox walks over. Kevin, you all right? I'm all yeah. I'm fine, kid.

Pushes glass forward. He says that. Same again. Thanks. Refilling glass. No, no. Cindy says refilling glass. Refilling glass.

So, what's really up? Size. Remember that test I took for the Special Tactics and Rescue Service a couple of months back? Passing him drinks. The aptitude test for S.T.A.R.S. Squad. That worked out of R.P.D. Oh, such good writing. Yep, gulps down part of the drink.

You gonna drink that or just talk about it? Weren't they disbanded after they banded? About? That would be the progression of events. We should have a band before you can disband. Come on. About those wild stories

about that mansion in Arklay Mountains? Apparently he ordered the exposition special. Nodding. Well, the results came back in the post pauses. I failed emphases again. That was a hard class.

Clearly, because he's not emphasizing words properly. Not the right material for special tactics and rescue. They were all crack heads from what the paper made out. Sharply, Chris Redfield was no crackhead size. They were all crack heads from what the paper made out. Sharply, Chris Redfield was no crackhead size. Besides, you shouldn't always believe what you read in there, Raccoon Times. It's in Chief Iron's pocket.

Chief Irons? No, that's actually a guy from the game, I think. Oh, good. Oh, well, that would make sense. Raccoon City Police Chief Brian Irons. Well, he actually shows up in Resident Evil 2 This guy did his research That means it's a good script

Irons seems like a good guy There's two sides to every coin kind One he shows in public The other he keeps locked away Or he tries to anyway Conspiracy theories aside Kevin Don't you think it would have

been worse to land your dream job that no longer exists than to find out Up didn't pass the test? What? Wow I can see why he broke up with her She always looks on the

confusing side of life Not really Gulp's down the last of his drink. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. Be everything I could be, but no, it'll never get that chance. Kev, you're a damn good officer. That's so good.

And knowing you're working the streets makes me sleep easier at night. I like to work the streets, baby. Oh, yeah. He's dating a caveman or something. He's just not pulling down enough money with his cop job, so he has to start working the streets. Hey, baby, you need a rest?

Head down, it his hands. Kevin grumbles something. What? Cindy gently rubs his hand with hers and with her other hand lifts his chin up. Chin up, Officer Ryman. That's what I'm doing. Your chin is going up. Head on head, Officer Ryman.

Rubbing your head, Officer Ryman. She smiles at him and he smiles back as she walks off. Kevin gets up and heads over to the jukebox which is behind Mark and Bob. Hey Will, you got any good tunes on this hunk of crap? I couldn't

name one of the songs on that, but there's some 80s rock to my life. Slightly drunk. Yes, that's good. Looks at the Scorpions. Yeah. Kevin puts the money in the jukebox and presses the button.

Well, that is your dog. The Scorpions rock you like a hurricane. Comes on Kevin, inmates, with an air guitar. Oh, baby. It's pretty hot. What'd you do to him, man? I invaded him. Oh, he ain't a virgin no more.

He ain't a virgin no more. I got jizzed on by a record. You just got d-blocked to rock you like a hurricane. The song is carried over to Mark and Bob and can be heard while their conversation takes place. Not your conversation, their conversation. Eight weeks, Mark. Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.

Is that all? Yeah, 26 years and a bunch of stars. All from M. Vesasas' Mr. Sugar. Oh, come on. He's not that bad. What? Yeah. I sleep. To patriots like you, maybe. Oh, come on. He's not that bad. What? Yeah. I sleep to patriots like

you, maybe. Oh, shit. With a hint of sarcasm. Yeah, what a bastard I am serving my country. Nom? Wait, your country is nom? He's not sure. He was adopted. Well, no, because

an exclamation point from a word indicates a click. What's a question mark in front of the word mean? Nom. Nom. Nom. Oh, that's really funny, buddy.

Sad face. Seriously, did this conversation become a me versus you thing? Shortly after it started. Wow. Mark looks at Bob. He starts laughing and Mark joins in. Kevin can be seen in the background

headbanging away. Kevin went from being mopey and hanging his head down to suddenly air guitaring and now headbanging. He's being rocked. Anyway, you'll get to spend more time with Irene. I love Irene more than anything

but I really don't want to spend all day every day with her chuckling. Speaking of the shackles of her life, how's yours? Sarah's good. So are the boys. Brady's still loving that Game Boy you got him for your birthday.

What? Got him a Game Boy? No, because Game Boy isn't capitalized and it's hyphenated, so maybe... Happy birthday to me! Here's a Game Boy. Ampersand, they say all people are afraid of technology. Ampersands do say that Bob starts coughing

badly and after rubs his forehead wincing Mark rests his hand on Bob's shoulder you okay Bob feel like stars yeah cause you can't down them like you used to what it's not that Yeah, because you can't down them like you used to.

Wiseass! It's not that. Started late last night after I had to chase that stupid flea infested dollar got the premises again. Flea infested? Bit me as well, the little bastard. So I said wiseass and bastard and I feel like stars. Okay. It's a dirty word.

It is a dirty word, whatever it dirty word You don't look so good Semicolon Did you have it checked out? I'll be fine You haven't even touched your food Mock seriously Which really is worrying You're an annoying friend Mark

Wise Stars Over in a small booth Jim Chapman sits mark. Wise stars. Over in a small booth, Jim Chapman sits, crossword in his hands, tapping his pen on the table. David King drink in hand looks around and sees the least crowded area is

the booth. Jim's in, so he proceeds to take a seat opposite him. That gives me a very rich visual image, like I know exactly where all the characters are. The David King drinking hand is looking around. Establishing blocking is important in a script.

Wait, I gave myself Jim, right? Was I Jim? I don't know. You're the leader. Alright, here we go. Here is Jim's opening line. Here we go. Hi, I'm Jim. Beautiful. Bravo. Hi, Jim. Hi, I'm Jim. Beautiful. Bravo.

Hi, Jim. Show, don't tell, Jim. Show, don't tell. David gives him the slightest of nods. Oh, wow. It's the slightest of nods. But he does not give his name. This crossword, man.

It's giving me a headache. I'm usually good at this sort of thing. I'm a conductor for raccoon rails So I get some spare time and usually get myself thinking With one of these Usually a piece of cake But this one's got me stumped An eight-letter word for humanitarian

Any ideas? Hey, I just met you I'm going to tell you everything about myself I was born in North Carolina And I grew up in Hey, I got to do a plot introduction for myself Hey, this is all the things I do It's great

I want to hear what David's doing right now Come on David is staring out the window Hey, I gotta do a plot introduction for myself. Hey, this is all the things I do. It's great. I want to hear what David's doing right now. Come on. David is staring out the window at nothing in particular. Oh my god. Yo, mate! David turns back round to Jim. Eight letter word for humanitarian.

Any ideas? No. No. David returns to staring out the window while slowly sipping his drink. Oh, well thanks anyway. Jim pauses for a moment. So what is it that you do? I'm a plumber.

Oh, that sounds interesting. It's not. Do you have any major floods or anything like that? No. So finally we got some zombies in this damn picture. Sighs! You know when someone comes and sits down opposite me in a bar,

it generally gives the impression that they don't mind a little conversation. Maybe you shouldn't generalize that. Well, sorry to have bothered you! Apology accepted! Jim is shaking his head as David returns to staring out the window whispers lots of stars I wonder why he took exception to his apology

I apologize to everyone but you well I'm sure I'm glad we spent a lot of time with these characters. Like, you know, the... Oh, yeah, that... Yeah, that one guy. That guy. All right, there's a bunch of text from a narrator, which is clearly boring.

So, let's go back to Cindy. Wait. No, thank you. Cindy nods and walks off with her tray. She sees a rat scurrying down the bar floor Lets a little yelp and drops her tray Will rushes over You okay Cindy?

Yeah I'm fine just saw a rat Chuckles okay It's not funny you don't know What sort of things They could be carrying Sure Cindy here I'll get this cleaned up for you. Oh, you sure? Yeah, no problem.

Then I'm going to head off home to sally him late as it is. Thanks. I saw that video. That rat could be carrying another rat. Watch out for camera rats. Cindy goes over to behind the bar counter. Huddled together in a booth are university friends Jamie Daniels, Colin Peel, Jackie Burton, and Harry White.

Second time we've seen them, and they've all been referred to as all the same. I guess they can only be referred to the four of them together. Jamie and Jackie, two girls sit opposite the two lads, Colin and Harry. Alright, I'll take Jackie. Okay, I'll take Colin. Alright, you got Colin. Isvan, take Harry. Harry got it. And Stog, take

Jamie. Okay. I think that's it, right? Yeah, I think that's it. Alright. Oh my god, no way! Yo, he did it all right. My, how I blushed. The girls giggle together. Yeah, it was one of my bigger stunts.

Thanks, that's enough detail, Harry. Not enough detail for me. Girl, you are sick! I know, it happened when I met you! Whatever! Knows how to write for women really well. I'd be happy to give a repeat performance. She's as good of a writer for women as Aaron Sorkin is.

God, no, Maia. I still haven't recovered from last time, kid. Do you do private showings? Grings! Frowny face shaking her hand, taking Jamie's arm. Girl time! Oh, God. Girls say girl time all the time. She pulls Jamie along into the bathroom.

Girl time, yay! I think I know someone who really wants a repeat performance. Thanks, but I don't bend that way. That's real funny. You working it long? I did, actually. Not long enough, huh? Calling it really hurts my feelings.

I really hope zombie TV soon. Strangely, though, I don't believe you, but seriously, Jemma really is digging you right now. My highly trained senses did pick that up. No,

she's proper digging you. Proper digging me? Well, this is much more serious now. That's a whole sum of different color. I'm sorry,

this is much more serious now. I'm sorry, this is much more serious. No. Hey, I'm getting another drink. You want one? Yes. I'd love you to buy me another drink. You just have to wear a dick to your head. You know that? I'm sorry.

Was that a poor attempt at humor? I'm getting up and heading over to the bar. You can't. Colin gets up and heads over to the bar. You can't. I love you too, babe. Harry laughs to himself, and out of the window next to him, we slowly see a figure lurching up the street.

We hear a jukebox start Rock You Like a Hurricane again, with Kevin continuing to sing away to it. I wonder if the narrator happens to like Rock You Like a Hurricane at all. That's a terrible jukebox. The jukebox is just a CD player and one button. Rock You Like a Hurricane. Now there's two buttons.

Rock You Like a Hurricane, yes, no. Yes and yes. Please don't rock me like a hurricane. Yes and hell yes. Even though I know you're going to do it anyway. Okay, on the table near the bar, we see Dr. George Hamilton with medical

student Yoko Suzuki. Oh, this is like the Beatles, right? Yeah. Yeah. Alright, Acer, you're going to be the Yoko to my George. Alright, then. George Hamilton,

I should tan myself. She just moved one beetle over. Alright, I'm tired of you, John. I'm going to be hanging with George. In fairness, George probably had the better drugs. You have everything you need for the test, Yoko. You're possessive

of one of the brightest students I've had this year, Ampersand. If you didn't spend so much time on that job of yours, you'd be the best, but regardless, you'll pass with flying kaluers. Oh, he spelled that right. Nobody actually spells it that way.

Except everybody but Americans. Except everybody but Americans. Colors is illegal in your Hollywood scripts. This is playing right after Pooh's Heffalump movie. Your mom's illegal in Hollywood scripts, but I don't bring that up. I wonder if this is... I wonder if this guy is

an American trying to spell internationally because he misspelled emphasized by replacing the Z with an S. I'm sure he's just being worldly and not a fucking moron. Alright, Yoko. My job is equally important to me as my medical studies, and you

know how much effort I put into them. That's not the accent I'd expect from you, Yoko. I don't know how much effort I put into them. That's not the accent I'd expect from you, Yoko. Yoko spent some time in India, apparently. She's well-traveled. Yoko just watches a shit ton of anime and just decided to change her name to Yoko Suzuki.

I'm one of the... Yes, I'm very much... Actually, I'm an Indian man, but I like the anime so much, I have to watch it. Oh, gosh. Okay. I'm not disputing that, Yoko.

It's just perhaps you invest too much time elsewhere bombarding yourself with pointless non-circular activities isn't just going... Oh, my God. Sometimes your activities are in a triangle. Eat lots of cookies and go to NASCAR

and draw zeros all the time. Pointless non-circular activities isn't going to help you become a doctor. It's going to work against you and if push comes to shove, when you get your degree, you're going to have to... Full time! and if push comes to shove when you get your degree you're going to have to full time

i don't remember you talking like that when we got married i don't mean to pass judgment i'm just trying to help you achieve the best you can. Don't you think I want that as well? Yes, but you should have higher aims than a lab assistant in... Where did you say you were working? Looking away. A pharmaceutical company. Precisely. Your computer skills are excellent, but that won't help you a great deal when it comes to saving la...

What? It's a doc. Computer skills great deal when it comes to saving what? Computer skills mean nothing when it comes to... Oh god, I'm having a heart attack. Here, let me install Word. Give me a second. Good people at Pfizer are always looking for PHP developers. Yeah. Hey, you got a tumor? Let me replace your CPU

heatsink. Doctors never use computers, ever. Oh, look at Deathful's advocate here. We were trying to mock a retard, thank you. I don't want an argument, again, about this.

I just want to go sleep. Okay, fair enough. I suppose you want me to help pick up the tab. Er, me pick up the tab, rather. Well, in barley scraping, buy on student wages as it is. Working the fields. Barley scraping.

Oh, Jesus. Alright, I'll pay. Thanks. Sure, don't mention it. Hold on a minute, I'll walk you back to your place. Thanks, Puzzigan. Thank you. Puzzigan. I you, Buzzigan.

Thank you, Buzzigan. You even know if that's racist. It's just more perplexing. We're mixing up our poor stereotypes. That would be great if that's what Apu said whenever he unpaused that Simpsons game that came out for the 360. Thank you, Buzzigan. Thank you, Buzzigan. George heads over to the bar to pay the tab

we see the figure in the street lurch past the window by Jim who the band who regards him for a moment before continuing on with his crossword the door swings open and loudly bangs into the side table as a figure

lurches in his long hair draped over what will soon be revealed to be his rotting face. He stumbles forward almost drunkenly. A rotting smell coming off of him and he just comes to a stop. Oh, hey, Nick Nolte is in this. He's finally? Hey, who

is this fool? I don't feel so go-hyphen. Bob falls off his stool unconscious. Oh, Bob! Mark moves over to Bob's unconscious body, shaking him. Will drops the broken glasses into the bin and heads over to the man. All eyes are focused upon him. Who is Will?

Can I help you, sir? There you go. The zombie raises its head and its rotten face is seen. It lunges forward, sinking its teeth into Will's neck. Thank God he'll die. What a character! Will lets out a painful

scream, forces him off him, and back onto the street, locking the door and falling backwards, blood spewing from his neck. More zombies appear. One presses its face against the window. Blown. I'm playing the zombie here. Put him on the glass!

No, wait, this is Resident Evil. You get bitten by a zombie or whatever, you get superpowers. It's true. More zombies appear. One presses its face against the window. By Jim, he's let out a frightened yelp and half runs, half crawls out of his window booth. He jumps a little bit and then crawls for like five steps

and then gets up and runs a little bit more. I need a drawing. The controls for walking and crawling are real bad. He can't really get back. Tank controls. He zigzags back and forth into the zombie's mouth. You know how to get out of this booth. Then he resets the game 12 times.

Kevin rushes over to Will, grabbing his hand while Cindy stands further back trembling. George rushes over. It's going to be okay. Will just held on. I'm a doctor. Please stand back. Kevin does so and George drops

to his knees and examines Will. His cartoid artery has been carotid Is that actually how it's spelled? No, say carotid identity He actually spelled carotid artery correctly He can't spell emphasize

This guy's smarter than me His carotid artery has been deeply pierced George applies pressure to Will's neck and blood sputters out of his mouth His carrot-ed artery has been deeply pierced. George applies pressure to Will's neck and blood sputters out of his mouth. Splutters? George bit his tongue, apparently. I play the blood and the zombies in this picture.

Quickly, we don't have much time. I need my med-ka-hyphen. Screaming, I don't want to die. Will's body starts to spasm uncontrollably and George loses his hold on his neck and his artery sprays blood everywhere. The spasms stop and Will lies dead. He lost a capital letter when he died.

Solemnly, he's dead. Best doctor ever. Cindy lets out a soft moan and begins to cry Cindy thank you everyone is silent

as the pounding on the door begins scene three Jay's bar women's bathroom supplying the foley for this scene as well you want a girl time Scene three. Jay's bar, women's bathroom. We suddenly switch to supplying the Foley for this scene as well. Oh, you want a girl time? Here we go.

It's girl time! The girls standing facing the bathroom mirror applying makeup. As girls do. I'd like a private demonstration. Yeah, I wouldn't mind The girls giggle But then hear a loud banging

Coming from the bar Oh no more giggling I'm a zombie What's that No idea but it don't sound right Suddenly the vents grate Next to where the girls are standing Pops out in a zombie arm shootout

Grabbing onto Jackie's leg She lets out a scream And Jamie spins around to see her See her bend pulled into the vent Top half of her body is still showing As she desperately clings onto the vent Hold on Jackie into the vent. Top half of her body is still showing as she desperately clings onto the vent hatch. Hold on, Jackie!

Jamie pulls on her arms. There's a tearing sound and Jackie lets out a blood-curdling scream and her eyes roll shut. There's a final tear as Jamie pulls her free from the vent, but the lower half of her body is gone and her entrails are spread across

the floor. Jamie screams hysterically at the sight of now-dead friend literally ripped in half. They pulled her in half? Is a dead person or a little girl strong enough to pull a person in half? One thing we didn't know about

was the other girl, whoever she is. Girl one and girl two. Might as well be their names. Yeah. Well, she's actually made of taffy. She's delicious. That's why the zombies want to taste like fashion. All right.

A little bit more here. The door burst open and Kevin is standing there with his customized.45 aimed at Jamie. He sees what happens and lowering his gun, he motions to Jamie to come towards him. It's awk, come on. She moves toward him and he lightly takes her hand and guides her out of the bathroom and into the arms of her boyfriend, Colin,

when she bursts into tears. Mike, it's okay. Tell me what happened. She's dead. Jackie's dead. You seem more like it's more of a funny story now that I think about it. You had to be there. A shocked look registers upon Harry's face. Harry? Oh my.

There you go. Scene four, Jay's bar. Oh God, we're never leaving this bar. Would you want to leave? There's a Zambie out there. Bob, Bob. Bob opens his eyes. Oh geez,ez Mark what happened

you just collapsed help me up will ya Mark pulls Bob to his feet and lets Bob get his footing he holds his side in pain and moves with a limp he sees Will's dead body and looks to Mark shocked

what the hell happened here? Who was that guy again? Some guy high on something came in and took a bit of his neck. Well, just a bit, though. He tried to eat him? Yeah, pretty much. Oh, the jackheads.

That's the last. That's the whole movie right there. The guy's face was rotting off, and so they were just like, yeah, he must have been on drugs or something. And it just fades to the ending card. Remember, drugs are bad. So we've done Resident Evil.

Here comes some CSI instead. Oh, awesome. There's a Warnig. It's only a rough draft. That's so racist. It's only a rough... It's half a racist comment. Come on. Warning. Only a racist joke. Come on. Warning.

Only a ralph darfed. All right. All right. Start us off. This is where Pulp can give Sorda an idea of what they would like to happen in the episodes. Here is a script it wrote. Please don't take anything out of it Of take credit for it Cause it took a week to make

And it is still not done There are a few bugs to work out in it Here ya go Script several gajillion tildes Warning! Only a rough darft! That's a serious warning Hey short and sweet I have a question for you

where are you currently sitting oh I am thinking under a giant oak tree but I'm sitting in bar-dom alright here we go intro shows some shots of famous places in LA

and then it shows a house I think these were the same notes for the room okay oh hi Taylor it's not a rough darft it's bullshit and then it shows a house with the two victims Mr. and Mrs. Stokes

are at home and starting a fire in the fireplace. Then it zooms over to Miss Tompkins' house where he is given an Advil by his maid and his girlfriend leaves from a fight and says you'll be sorry and runs out in a fury. Then it shows Nick and Warwick at the scene

of the crime for the Stokes. Hey, I'd like to point out scene of the crime for the Stokes. Hey, I'd like to point out that Mr. and Mrs. Stokes stoked the fire. Thanks, Doc. Stokes, you're silly. This is why we keep you around. That's why I married him.

Starts off, Nick is in the break room. Where the house is going. Getting his wheels balanced. The trains have break rooms in them. That's how the trains stop. Break room waiting for an assignment while reading a letter from his brother.

The thing you described, I'm doing it. What do you got there? Swings around to see Warwick's face. A letter from my brother. He, his wife, and daughter just moved to Vegas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Grabs picture of them.

Here is picture of them. Takes picture in hand and looks at it. Nice family. No asterisks after that. He's just really saying that. Yeah, they are. My brother is motor technician and my sister-in-law is a lawyer. Gives picture back to

Nick. That's great for them. Walks into break room with Wark and Nick. Hey, guys! Hey, Sarah. Hey, Sarah. Goes over to coffee machine and gets a cup of coffee. That's her entire line of dialogue. Yes.

Walks in. Hey, my CSI buddies. Looks at Greg. Greg. Yeah! Never say that again. Okay. Sit down. What's that? Oh, it is just

a letter from my brother. Oh, see his picture of the family. Is that them? Yeah, with Jennifer, his wife, and Abby, his daughter. I think it's... Oh, there's Kathy. Ace or Kathy.

Locks in! Hey, Warwick, Nikki, Greg, Sarah! Hey, Kathy. We're all supposed to do that together but whatever Yeah that was pretty good Walks into room Morning everyone

Hope y'all got some good sleep last night This room is crowded as hell Are we busy today? Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me Alright, alright Are we busy today? No, not really. Yeah, weird cases I get.

You guess. Shugs. I just give the assignments. I don't make them. Oh, here you go, by the way. Shit. Add paper to work. You and Nick get this.

Can I get this case? Grabs paper. Okay, come on, Nick. You and Nick get this. Can I get this case? Grabs paper. Okay, come on, Nick. Gets up. Okay. Leave. They just yell that as they leave the room. Leave.

Ninja vanish. It's like they're in a comic book, but the writer didn't make the sound effects, so they have to speak them instead. No, no, no, no. This is an Elcor radio drama. Sarah, you're possessive with me and Kathy. Okay, let's go. Grissom. Both are in Kathy leave.

Grissom. Yeah? What about me? Oh, sorry, Greg. If Nick and Warwick need any help, then you can, okay? Wow, I'm sure I'm glad we saw that slice of their life.

It's a fun look behind the scenes. Then it goes Nick and Warwick's crime scene. Nick and Warwick, no. Isn't that how it goes, really? It does. Nice neighborhood. Yeah, sort of like my brother's neighborhood.

Shut up about your brother. Short pause as they climb up the street. Wow. This is a high hill. Yeah. What number did they say it was at? Looks at paper, 144Y. Oh, that's gross.

Short pause. God. No. Starts running towards the house. Nick. Nick, what's wrong? Starts running up towards the house to catch up with Nick. Runs into house, sees all of the blood rolling

down the victim's faces how are they do you know who they are is he talking to the victim who are you guys no we're fucking solved this if you don't tell me it's just rude

you dudes David well no we might have to clean him up a bit I bet to tell pauses looks at body and then looks at Nick

why do you know him looks at body I don't know I mean I think but god I hope not well do you know her? Point over to the missus. Looks like

she may have bled to death. Looks over at the woman. Not sure. How could you when there is so much blood? Oh, is this me? Alright. I think it's a narrator line. Maybe? I think it's a narrator line. Fuck it. Fuck it.

Alright, here we go. He enters the house and sees Nick and the David. Nick, what's wrong? The David? He sees Nick and the David. Nick, what's wrong? You ran off when I said the address. I think

we are related. Dun dun dun. What? Related? Yeah, he was my big brother. He is your older brother? Yeah, by four years. And he has a daughter?

Yeah. Picks up a picture of his brother with his wife and daughter. I.T.A. Playful laugh. I remember, oh. Oh no, Abby. What the hell happened? Words happen. Abby.

Abby? Who the hell is Abby? David, did you guys find any more bodies? Yah. Upstairs in the bathroom. But it was a suicide. You need some?

A suicide. Yeah. There was a note. And everything. Everything in the world was in that room. Including a note. Did you find a girl? A girl?

A girl around 12. Or maybe 13? Oh, no, Nick. No. No. Why? Nick. My niece.

Your niece? Why is everyone doing the repeating the last thing he says? Why is everyone doing the repeating the last thing he says? Why is everyone doing the repeating? Because that makes drama, don't you know? Why is everybody doing the repeating thing? I want to know what David's doing here. Hang on. David! He's from the Solid Snake School of

Script Writing. Stars at Nick. Hooyah! Hooyah! Hooyah! Runs up to the bathroom. stars at Nick. Hooyah! Hooyah! Hooyah! Runs up to the bathroom. Follows Nick.

Enters the bathroom, where his brother lays in the tub on top of a sleeping bag with a bullet hole through his head. At least he tucked himself in. Enters the bathroom behind Nick and sees the body. Turns around

to work. I think Grissom's phantom killer is back. Gets really mad. But why him? Steps back from Nick. Nick man, I'm sorry about your brother. I know, but... Pauses.

We need to find Abby. If she is still alive. Man, he mourns like crazy. He just said shit right out of the way. That brother's dead. Alright. I'm mad. Alright, it's cool now.

I'll call... I'll call Brass and have him form a search team. Thanks, Warwick. Shows Brass and have him form a search team. Thanks, Warwick. Shows Brass interrogating the witness. Just a big ingot of Brass. Out there. Do it! Do it! Don't make me call Copper in here!

Cuts to Grissom and Kathy. Slob's blood for a sample who do you think she is I don't know does she have an it on her I don't know we'll have to wait till the coroner gets her in

ponder thoughts for a minuet okay let me put on this minuet it's a minuet how do you think the guy well girl Minuet. Okay, let me put on this minuet. It's a minuet. How do you think the guy, well, girl, person blew up? Well, we might get a lead as slow as Greg has done with that blood sample that Sarah brought him. Goes out to the other body. Examine that body.

Let's see if the body has some sort of box box in her hand He picks it up and goes for a Caffeine It's like a fucking text adventure or something To pick up the body That's right King Graham Could you come in here please I'm Warwick Mighty Pirate Enter his room with Gil

Holding up a box of liquid capsule Tylenol. What the hell is that? It's liquid capsule Tylenol. Oh, thank you. There's more. I think we found out how victim number two died. That's the box. She could have taken all of the pills.

Opens the box. Looks over at the open packet, but there is only one missing capsule. Looks like it could be the only witness to the crime. The pill saw it. Carragate those pills. Kathy and Gil are a crime-fighting duo

of a cheerleader and an animated beaver. Also, this is the worst conceived product placement ever. Now, Tylenol, I know you give fast-acting relief for headaches, but you've got to tell us who the killer is. I absolutely do not want to see the

porno parody with Gil and Kathy. I think I'll look at the yard. Maybe there's some evidence there. Bo-chicka-waw-waw. Look into the girl's face. Fuck. This ain't a shitty script written on the internet, XXX.

Wanderers out into the backyard. Searching for some kind of answer. But finds a body instead. Kathy! Runs over to the body. It feels far apart, and there is one. Kathy, get out here. Hey, lady. It's on phone calls for help.

Yeah, I need an emergency medical assistant on scene. Young girl, white. Thank God, now you'll show up. Maybe 12, 13 years of age. I think, looks at the girl and thinks it is! it is the girl from the end of the world it is Abby Stone! drives to assist the girl and hangs up the phone

guest starring Rip Taylor throws confetti all over the place actually I'm sensing a little bit of Andy Dick in there too just took an amalgam of all things gay there. Comes outside to see Gil leaning over a body. My God, is that?

Looks at face of the girl. Did you not hear me before? Yeah, Anna's the girl with the after alert. And next day, look at Kathy. Oh my god. Look at you. Just really staring at her. Maybe this was written for like autistics

that couldn't read like facial expressions so the character was just saying what they're feeling. Jesus Christ. They all stand in one room together. Yeah. Do that dialogue. Cuts to crime scene with Nick and Warwick.

Yay. Nick and Warwick. But apparently Brass is there too. Arise to tell Nick about their finding of Abby. Enter the house to find Nick kneeling down to swab a stay blood sample. Stay. Stay blood sample. Stay. What you doing, Brass?

Looks up to see Brass and stands up straight. Did you find her? Yeah, but I couldn't. Gets erupted by Nick. Oh, God. Nick. Nick's a volcano god. What? But what?

Is she okay? Well, she was pretty beat up, so I don't know. Size. Damn. Who the hell would do this? Looks at brass. Well, it wasn't fucking me, sure. You should consider her lucky.

I beat bitches worse than that most days. I do. Where is she? Right now, she's at the hospital. You're going to have to race me there. I'm going to kill her. She was pretty beat up, like I said. Like how? She had some pretty serious boozing.

No, that's not it. Oh, she had some pretty serious busting. She was in an integrated school. She took a greyhound all the way here from the coast. Serious! Okay, um, Getscoat, could you

call someone to cover this? I have to go get her. Miles. Sure! Leaves. Leaves. Leaves. I am out. Drop the mic. Comes down the stairs.

Where did Nick go? Well, we found Abby. You did. We're. We were by her house. And she was on the side of the road. Where is she now? God, it's got an H in it.

What the fuck? Maybe they're talking about werewolves. You guys don't know. Okay. She's at the hospital. Cuts to the hospital. Yay! Just capitalized, so I'm assuming the sign outside the hospital

says the hospital. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Cuts to The Hospital. Well-known medicine place. Walks up to the front desk. Come quiet, your secretary. Welcome to the L.A. Hospital.

How may I help you? Abby Stokes. Abby Stokes, what room is she in? My name is Sectetary. Are you family? Yeah, I'm her uncle. Luke said paper.

Abby Stokes, room 144. The paper is blank. Thank you. Rushes off to room 144. Finnelly finds it and enters it and sees Abby with a cast on her right arm and slowly walks up to her. The cast slowly walks up to her? Abby looks at her face and all of her cuts and whatnot. Abby.

And such. And so on. What have you? Grievous wounds, injuries, blah, blah, blah. Abby, are you awake? Slowly opens eyes. Sighs with relief. Abby walks up to her bed side.

Yeah. I'm your uncle. I know who you are. Looks at him. I have seen you in pictures before. Abby, I have to tell you something about your mom and dad.

They're dead! Pause is what? Abby's autistic. Pause is what? They're dead, aren't they? How did you know? I was there! Wait, flashback to where Abby sees her mother get abandoned.

By the light of the full moon, she turns into Abby. Man by day, Abby by night. You saw who did it? I saw the back of her head. Flashback. I saw the flashback there. She was playing flashback. She does that, just don't worry about it.

But then something hit my head and that is all I remember. Grabs Abby's right hand. Begins to tear. Ah! Ah! Yeah!

Looks at Abby's tears. Abby is the worst whipping for it. She begins to cry. What's going to happen to me? This is only half of it. It's the only half we need. Yeah, no, no, narrator,

you need to just read the reporter quotes by short and sweet. By the way, that'd be really great as if an actual episode of CSI or something ended. Just the director pops up like, this is only half of it. Yeah! We're done.

October 20th, 2004, 1.31pm. What do you think? I know it is very choppy. It has parts missing because Ty won't let me put all of it in. October 21st, 2004. 1.03pm. Guys? Hello?

October 24th, 2004. 12.05am. You guys are talkative. 6666! Big O! Underscore! Little O! November 11th. Almost two weeks later.

And then... And then... And then... And then... I was really enjoying reading this. Have you finished it? I'd like to read the rest.

And that went from, the one before that was November 11, 2009. The date on that post was March 4th. I mean, it was 2004, and now it's March 4th, 2009. I'm a slow reader, but I just got done with that part. Speaking of dialogue, is it really any worse than the actual CSI? All right. The last thing I have for you is a character by the name of

Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker he is a character in Star Wars for that character Luke Skywalker from Star Wars who would you most like to see him paired up against I think Goku

I think you'd have a chance against Goku. Wrong answer. Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh, you're close. Okay, Crash Bandicoot? No, Dr. Robotnik. Oh! What do I

win for getting the closest? You get to read this. That's what you win. You're Skywalker versus Dr. Robotnik. Do I really get to read this. That's what you win. Luke Skywalker versus Dr. Robotnik. Do I really get to read this or do I not? I thought you already were. My name is Better Man. I'm a senior member.

My gender is male and my icon is knives. Luke Skywalker versus Dr. Robotnik. The Rebel Alliance have discovered a new Death Star being built over a planet called Mobius. Discovering that the Empire never built it, but an

ex-imperial skintist by the name of Dr. Ivo Robotnik, but most people call him Dr. Eggman, and he called the weapon the Death Egg. Clever. This Death Egg has the same design as the Death Star, but it has a face on it! Eggman and he called the weapon the death egg. This death egg has the same design as the Death Star, but it has a face on it! Thanks for the help!

Explain, Madeen. Wow. So what? There's another hole for a proton torpedo to go through? Oh, that was sexy. Taunted Witch. No, this time it has to be flown inside to blow up the main reactor, but there's also a problem

there. You have to destroy a tick armor plating and an energy shield behind it, then fly in and destroy it. Too bad the D.A.R.D. didn't hear about this, otherwise he would have made his own Death Star again and make a challenge. Han Solo?

Stated? Question mark? That sounds... It's totally Han Solo. I'll make this! This Death Egg has turbo lasers that also shoot missiles, so you will have to fly quick to evade them. The lasers shoot missiles?

Yeah. Though unlike the first Death Star, we are sending 50 fighters to attack this one as it will be led by General Solo. Good luck, men. Afterwards, they arrived at Mobius and saw the egg. If it didn't

have a face, I would almost admire it. Scoffed Han, who was totally Han Solo. I still wouldn't underestimate it. Replied Luke, and that's definitely Luke. Really hit his growth spurt there, pretty hard.

Then a transmission came to Luke and Han's ships, and Robotnik appeared on the holoprojector. Rebels! Here to destroy my creation, I presume! Robotnik! Why create another Death Star? As to Luke. Because of the Empire!

I want to rub it in that any person can do what they can! Replied Robotnik in with the greatest adaptation of Sonic Adventure of ever. That really is the best Robotnik of ever. It probably is. Why leave the Empire?

As to Luke, who is clearly showing he's Darth Vader's son. Here comes my backstory. They killed my daughter! I was a scientist for the Empire, but apparently my Maria was giving rebels information or doing something against the Empire that I never

had a reason. So when I was gone and she was alone, stormtroopers came marching through the door and killed her. I didn't know if I should stay, so I left at the right time because a day afterwards the Death Star was destroyed. But sometimes a part of me thinks I should have stayed on that station when it blew. So I swore to myself I can do what no empire could not. And here it is, the Death Egg.

Unlike the first Death Star, I gave it more complicated way to destroy it. But I'm sure you rebels figured out a way. Dr. Robotnik makes the best smoothies. Hang on, I'm making a smoothie. Who wants margaritas? Dr. Robotnik, give me a Slurpee

and I won't blow up your Death Star. There's still a chance to join the Rebel Alliance. Said Luke. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Believing in the Rebels is what killed my daughter. Launch fighters! A legion of incredibly homosexual fighters come out of the Death Egg,

and the X-Wings, A-Wings, and Y-Wings responded back along with the Millennium Falcon. Luke, watch out. Two micelles on your six. Yelled Wedge as Luke dodged the mueslis. As you say, may the force be with you! Said

or rather sang or something robotic while watching the fighters fly outside. Alright, and I eat kittens. My name is I Eat Kittens and this sucks.

is I eat kittens and this sucks. Fuck you! I have written the best story ever. No, fuck you boy. You're so resonant. Lemon comes in for the end bumper.

Speaks to John. So, what do you think you learned today? Well, what I really learned is that consuming a lot of media doesn't necessarily make you able to make any of that medium oh god i know like these guys like this like what for csi or for resident evil especially for a script for a freaking fucking video game they're like oh man i play a lot of games i love the cut scenes in those i could write a script sure let me just do that i know how this works. Without, you know, probably no didn't read any other scripts.

Didn't take a class. Didn't even look on didn't even look and see, oh, let me read a screenplay see how they do it. No, just type words and people talk in scripts, right? There we go. Done. It almost makes you think that it's stealth marketing on behalf of I mean, I've seen not all of them, but I saw like the first two or so Resident resident evil movies and those are terribly written they really

are it almost makes you wonder if some guy just went on the internet and did a fan script just so he could go see by comparison this is pretty good right i'm just i write just as shitty as people get paid way more than i do. And it's all just fucking fan service and oh, it's just it really, you start to want you start to be impressed of why movies are as well written as they actually are. Oh yeah, and it's just got this amazing quality. It's like

okay, maybe they're not great writers, but you think they know how a human being talks. Yet you read every one of these and nobody talks. Like, nobody would, that's what i love about these podcasts is that we read them out loud and you know they didn't the people who wrote it never read this out loud and said is this something a human being who's actually a person would say no i'll just put it there whatever and we've got more of it for you matter of fact uh right before

we started to record this i found deadwood slash. Finally. I am totally excited about Swearingen and Seth Bullock. Oh, yes. I'm trying to find one where E.B. Farnham is involved. But anyway, that's somewhere on the horizon, hopefully. Until then, the website, thefpl.us. And yeah, that's all I got for you. Yes.

Thank you for listening. Have a great one. Ends the podcast. Ace, I'm really wondering what Han Solo would have to say to that No I'd say Fuck you more

I would shoot you first You guys are a bunch of Tings there I forgot Fuck me I am strangely curious People are writing fanfiction For my fanfiction it's great What the hell is happening? I am strangely curious. People are writing fanfiction for my fanfiction. It's great.

How is it you do? We do that thing. How is it what you say? The slash, huh? Thank you.