The F Plus - 42: Suffer The Little Children

Episode Date: April 4, 2011

Most will agree that the decision to have a child is not one to be taken lightly, and in a modern world with new and complicated parenting concerns, some will remain resolute to never have children at all. But then there's a subsection of those people who will elect to be really annoying about it. We're tackling the livejournal community of cf_hardcore, a group of charisma-challenged individuals who feel they are constantly being persecuted by breeders. This week on The F Plus, we're finding new compound words to use with "crotch".

Caution, hot. Handle with care, especially when serving children. Hey there, welcome to the F+, the podcast fitted to a cylinder of beer gas. My name's Lemon. And I'm John. And hey, Lemon, I have a question for you. You're married, right? I am, yes. Y'all ever consider having kids? Think about having kids, maybe?

This feels a little personal, John. I don't know, I was just thinking about the issue. I just thought I'd, you know, just in general. Well, I mean, it's been discussed. I mean, it's definitely not something that I'm against. There's'd, you know, just in general. Well, I mean, it's been discussed. I mean, it's definitely not something that I'm against. You have to weigh these issues. So you're not against it?

Well, no, of course not. I'm not against it. It's just you have to weigh the... What's wrong? Didn't you see my tattoo? Child free hardcore for fucking life? Oh, is that what that means? Yeah. What, you think you're gonna become a moo and a duh?

What the hell are you talking about? Which is what child-free hardcore people like myself call mothers and fathers, because they're all cows and stupid. If you're not against having a crotch fruit, or a crotch maggot, or a crotch dumpling, or a vaginal vomit... Oh dear.

I just, I can't, I can't take this. I just, it's, you're the problem. You are the problem. You had Tourette's syndrome all this time, and you just, and it's just coming out now? Well, when I get hardcore, I sometimes can't help it. When I meet someone who isn't child-free like me. I see.

So you're part of a child-free hardcore community, is that right? And we are against people like you who want to stuff the world with crotch maggots. And what do you, as part of your cause, what do you do? We get angry on the internet. Ah! Fantastic! That sounds F-plus-y. Exactly.

Well, let's find out what people like you think, shall we? Sure. Alright, let's find out what people like you think, shall we? Sure Alright, let's get to the readers In the room tonight, we have Boots Rain here I'm gonna fucking punch a sprog John? Hey everybody, I am toast, mew mew mew Kumquats up? I'm going to fucking punch a sprog. John. Hey, everybody. I am toast.

Mew, mew, mew. Kumquats up. Was never a crunch fruit. Portex. After this recording's done, I'm going to get dinner at TGI Hardcore's. Woo-hoo! Buttman himself, Victor Laszlo. Yay for taints.

Our special gift for the week Tiff Dynamite Oh sorry I'm supposed to say something clever here right Yeah that'll do That'll work Lemon Let's have some fun. Reddish chocolate rose picture. Commander.

Commander. Commander. With all the depressing news about women's rights being torn away and such. Oh, God, torn away. I think we need some cheering up this Friday. Yay. Yay. So I give you the scene.

Are you ready for it? Scene. Good. Excellent. You are supreme overlord of the world. Wow. Yay. Minions, volcano lairs, the works. What? Oh, that kind of fun. Which world is that?

The world that's all Bonvillain Island. The one I'm supreme overlord of. When I'm supreme overlord, there's volcanoes everywhere. Okay, okay, I'm liking it. It's like Megamind. We can just get Will Ferrell back. Keep going, keep going. Volcanoes, minions, you got it.

All right, what would your first act be? Okay, okay, I'm seeing it. Hang on, I have a suggestion for you. Okay. Try to put something to do with being CF and pro-choice in there to keep it on topic. You can describe your lair to if you'd like. Okay, I don't know what those terms mean. All right, next.

Okay, I've got one. I've got one. I'm going to move my lair above ground and then not have the kids in it. That's an evil plan. All right. Oh, now I'll just disclose mine to get us started. Mine would involve funding my evil scientists who come up with a way to generate electricity from pro-lifers

and then strap them together as some kind of power station, thereby keeping them away from decent people and making them actually do something bloody useful for a change. I think there's a lot of good science in your theory, but okay. Just because the idea is nice. Well, they are in a volcano lair. I mean – Well, then get the energy from the volcano.

Why are you bothering the staple pro-lifers? I don't get it. By throwing children in the volcano? I don't understand. It's providing jobs for the pro-lifers. Are they running? I don't get it. By throwing children in the volcano? I don't understand. It's providing jobs for the pro-lifers. Are they running? Running on treadmills? Yeah.

Pro-lifers are a terrible source of energy. Well, maybe it's like on the Flintstones where they had dinosaurs for everything, but it's like a pro-lifer sitting in the washing machine. A pro-lifer? A pro-lifer? Like, you open up the pro-lifers' mouth and then that's the punch card.

Yeah, exactly! Yes, Lemon? I have an idea. Sorry? Lost in my room? Yeah, lost in my room. Oh, lost in my room, yeah. I'm lost in my room. But I have found my computer.

Mandatory sterilization for everyone until the age of 25. At that age, if you want kids, you have to take both a mandatory class on parenting and an IQ assessment. Yeah. And there's no way you would score higher than me. Oh! If you score high enough on both, your sterilization period is over.

I don't think he knows how sterilization works. Not in the volcano lair. Shit works differently. You can have as many kids as you can afford to keep. If you don't score well enough, then you have to wait a year before trying again. Because people with high IQs are really, really good parents.

Yeah. My name is Wesley Roanoke. I have cat ears and I'm an animator. Yay! I'm an animator. I would find a way to grow bodies so that you could switch out whenever you feel like it

I'd grow myself a cute male one then I'd have a mandatory time that you would have to be either gender then at the end of these mandatory times, five years apiece at age ten, you could choose which you like the most, or

if you're keen on switching, you could keep switching. After all, I'd make it so the bodies could be used over again, and they'd almost all be sterile. This person just had reams of paper with this written out on it.

It's just waiting for someone to ask about this. Rights would then become non-gender, non-racial, because no one would have a gender or race. And babies would be created only by people who really want them.

You'd have to take a special class and pass to get an intact female body. These classes are difficult. And you'd have to prove that you can take care of another life. And this person is the perfect judge for that. Yeah, yeah. Also, my mountain lair would be really nice, airy, and protected by packs of genetically engineered hyena wolves.

What? No, see, I took a hyena and a wolf and I put them together. It's wacky. Oh, okay. That's fine. These people really like examinations. Skill tests. Oh, that was just really, I mean, confusing.

That's the great thing about the internet. That's a rather basic user of the internet. I'd like more description about the class. Is it the thing where you have to carry a raw egg around for a week? Yeah. Children should be seen and not heard. Would be law. But they should also be seen running around like chimpanzees

even if it is quietly. You'd have to take... It should not be seen. Oh. You'd have to take a mandatory IQ test and have a credit check before being allowed

to read. Really? Eh. If you end up having a child without a job slash a decent amount of money, you will be given government handouts for one of them! Any more that follow if you cannot afford even the first is your fucking problem. And let that fall on the child. Small children should be on leashes in public to prevent them from running into my damned legs kids are just magnetically attracted to these nerd legs

this is this guy's entire fantasy. Children should not bump into me. They look like giant Twizzlers. I want to eat them. I'd also make it legal to shoot noisy children on public transport and the parents who don't

shut them the fuck up. Also, lower the cost of uni education in England. Cut benefits enough to make it worth people getting a job. Fire David Cameron and that sod Nick Clegg

into the sun. I'd also like to remove JLS from existence, too, if that's okay. Preferably with bolt guns. Okay. Jesus Christ. JLS? Justice League? I don't know.

Oh, by the way, I think England should turn into a fascist state that kills all children also I think conservative prime ministers are bad yeah we should kill all children but the cost of schooling them should be free

exactly I have CF atheist so that's his username he's a child free atheist I bet he's really fun to be around. If one's offspring dies and their child

bearing slash rearing yields and that doesn't explicitly state they want children, no harvesting their egg slash sperm just because one wants grandchildren that happens a lot

yeah that's where weird old grandparents are just running into morgues and stealing cum I'll catch you next time grand moo and any doctors who allow parents to a head to any doctors who allow parents to a head to...

Any doctors who allow parents to a head with it shall be sent to another Milky Way. I don't know which one, but not this one. I'm sure there's another Milky Way somewhere else. He meant the candy bar. You don't know that parallel dimensions don't exist, so shut up. No children at movie theaters past 7pm. No children on flights

that leave from 7pm to 10am. Murderers shall face the same fate their victims did. Anyone convicted of rape shall either be castrated or have a full hysterectomy.

Whoa. Whoa. God. That's not the same thing, though. They'd have to be raped. I mean, that's like Dante's Inferno shit. It's really not. The fact that, like, it's a good thing nobody's ever wrongly convicted of any crimes. Otherwise, this plan would be a horrible idea.

I mean, theoretically, if you castrate somebody, that could affect their ability to rape. Having a hysterectomy wouldn't in any way affect your ability to rape. Nope. Okay, okay. Anyone convicted of a financial crime shall face restitution.

My lair would be a mansion with an indoor swimming pool, beautiful dark hardwood floors throughout the whole house, a spiral staircase, bay windows, a sunroom, a library, an en suite, a rec room, a couple of fireplaces, and a maid and butler. Okay. One maid and one butler. Okay. One maid and one butler will take care of the entire mansion. They're really good.

Lots 42 is next. Alright. Topic-related tyranny. Number one. Promise Madagascar to whoever comes up with the same way to make sure all the public bathroom users wash their hands. Okay. That is an important topic to me.

That is a perfect reward. Thanks, I guess. I personally will not own Madagascar since I did not come up with a way for it. Come up with a sane... They really like that movie. Come up with a sane... A sane way to do it as if offering Madagascar is not... That zebra voice by Chris Rock did not wash his hands. Number two, it is now legal

to tell kids to sit down and shut the fuck up. Any kids! I don't think that's illegal. Yeah. That was a felony. Number three. Kid defense, hyphenated word, is now legal. If a snot monster

is running full tilt at you, go all dog whisper and raise your knee. Kid will bounce off stunned. Or he'll make his fucking ribs. I know what all of those words mean, but... Kid defense is my fun word for child abuse. Yeah, if a kid runs, you're allowed to punch him in the face. This guy just goes around seeing kids,

and they run at him going, boogers! Number four. Huge public relations campaign to tell people that it's now possible to ban kids from your private business. Number five. Anyone who leaves a kid or dog in the car will be sentenced to bake in a hot car if medically safe.

Which isn't... If medically safe. Oh my god... It's medically safe. Oh my god, read the sentence following me. That's okay, because no matter what, they will have three fingers on one hand smashed. I think it's... Choose the fingers, or...

No, only three fingers, and only on one hand. I am the finger handmaster. I will decide what fingers on what hand. Yeah, that'd be kind of hard to smash specifically the fingers. What if you do it four times? No! You re-smash the same three fingers on the same hand.

No! Unacceptable! And number six. More sign-wearing sandwich boards in public. And this is what it will say, apparently. I did nothing when my kid destroyed $1,300 of glassware at Sharper Whatever. Plus, I am stupid for taking my kid into Sharper Whatever. What? What are you talking about, you crazy person?

Well, I mean, sharper. Sharper whatever is in text. It's keeping you from getting Madagascar, Lemon. You shut your mouth. So, Sam Atheist thinks that the Madagascar idea needs to be expanded on? That's... Yes. Tell me more.

I want to subscribe to your newsletter. Sandwichboard. Sand witch board. Sandwich. Sharper. Does this person work at a sharper image? Is that what the deal is? And they're really mad about having to clamp a bunch of glass? They work at sharper whatever.

You've got like a massage chair. You know, there's like a thing there. Oh, there's some electronic shit in the back. Whatever. Whatever. Guys, guys, guys. Okay. CFAPSS. For the Madagascar thing. Oh, there's some electronic shit in the back. Whatever. Guys, guys, guys. Okay, CFA, Atheist asked for the Madagascar thing,

care to expand on that? So Lots42 does. Oh, okay. On the Madagascar thing? Okay. One, I hate Madagascar. You guys didn't see that one coming, did you? I hate Madagascar. Fucking retail bleemers piss me the fuck off. Okay, no, but I do hate people who pee and leave without washing.

Or just fuck up the bathroom in general. Poo goes into the water, not on the wall. Wow. Ah, see, that's what I've been doing wrong. Oh, wait. CFAtheist asks, poo on the wall? For real? Dude, poo everywhere. wall? For real?

Dude, poo everywhere! Ew! Oh no, ew! Wow, I will never go into a sharper whatever. Careful. There are lemurs and shit and... Tiff,

yeah, for paints, he, Tiff, uh, yeah, for taints, uh, he is too long, but if you want to just take point one and then the paragraph under point five, uh, yeah, just point one. Yay, taints! I do like how there are two... I do like how there are two point fives.

Oh, there totally are! You have to take a test and if you don't know that there's only one number 5 you can't have a baby Okay Stewie, I am going to kill you Alright

Girls are put on BC at the onset of puberty Males are sterilized at age 16 after having some semen frozen That doesn't sound like a dystopia at all. I think that's a great idea. I will be in charge of collecting it. I run the cum fridge.

Females may request sterilization at any time after age 16. Oh, you can just request it. At age 30, you may apply for a parenting license. You have to show you can afford to care for the child, have to pass a mental health screening, have to pass a physical health test, and have to pass a parenting course with a grade of 95% or higher. Wait, I haven't even made the test yet, but I know what a passing grade is? Yes, 95%.

And even then, I will still hate your kid. Yeah. That's the disconnect here because it's like, it's a really weird catch-22 because it's like, if you were really smart, you wouldn't have a kid at all. But you have to be smart enough to take care of a kid. Yeah. Yeah, and you can only take the parenting class twice. Fail at both times, no kids for you ever. Wow, this sounds like a terrific society.

I like point three too because it's a really good idea. Point three as well. Yeah. Oh, you skipped right over the no tax breaks for parents unless the child is adopted. All the tax breaks. Yeah, just all of them. Point three, a vote will be taken on whether abortion should be legal. Oh, yeah, we should start.

be legal. Oh, yeah, we should start. There's more to this, though. Yeah, that's a terrific thing. The vote will have no actual legal influence. What? Why? Abortion at any stage of pregnancy

will be legal. Those who voted to ban abortions will be screened to determine if they are suitable to be organ donors. Oh, I see where this is going. You just got punked. Yeah. If you know it already. Thanks for participating in the democratic process.

I like where this is going, because this is, you know, wait the natural progression, and once they die, their organs can be used for other means. That makes sense. Okay. Continue. Oh, hang on. Those who are healthy enough to donate their organs will be killed.

And have all viable organs and tissues harvested for donation, with a small population being kept alive and used to continually resupply the nation's blood and plasma banks. And provide tissue for things like skin grafts or continually resupply the nation's blood and plasma banks. Continually? Oh, and provide tissue for things like skin grafts or bone

or blah blah blah. Those unsuitable for blood organ harvesting will be put into labor camps and are used for medical experiments. The guy heading up this program will have a little toothbrush mustache and will hold his hand above his head.

Charlie Chaplin? I don't get it. Yay for taints. Taints can't get pregnant. I love them. And.5, by the way, is free pot. But then the last paragraph. The second.5. Both.5s, really. Yeah, actually, yeah. God.5s, really. Yeah.

Actually, yeah. God, I hate stupid people. Anyway, my.5. Sorry, which.5? Would you like a.5A or.5B? I would like to hear about your lair more than that. Yeah, I think I want to hear about your lair. Okay, let's go down then. Let's look at the lair. As for my lair,

FYI, I would totally go the evil overlord route. Well, now that surprises me. Yeah, you might as well just go all out. It was all sunshine and lollipops until this point. Yeah, that's weird. Now it gets a little dark. Yeah, black curtains.

I will have an underground fortress. My fortress will be guarded by my harem of burly, muscled daddy bear types. Well, okay. Minimally clad in black leather. All right, so now we've learned a little bit about this person's personal life. They're not going to be very good guards if they have no armor on or anything, but that's cool. It's fine. They're energy vampires too.

They will carry whips coated in knockout poison. How old is this person? Oh, sorry, Gary. I just brushed you with my whip, Gary. It's so hard to move around in this leather bikini. Shit. Shit. Oh. Alright. I will have campy booby traps.

Yay! Because when I was thinking of the muscle bears with knockout whips guarding, it's like, this needs a little bit more camp. That's nice. Something more campy. And here it is. For example, a laser grid of death that at first appears to be a dance floor laser show. Okay.

Uh-huh. What? Yes. Then increases in intensity until it's able to cut through flesh and bone. Lasers do not work that way! Dance to death. This isn't campy. This is just the gay version of Saw so far. No, no, no.

I'd like to play a game. You may think you're dancing, but guess what? No, I think they just watched that one scene in the first Resident Evil way too much. Corresponding with, like, dirty dancing. Oh, God. It's just, yeah. The room with the death lasers will have a mirror ball

hanging from the ceiling. Of course. Yeah, right. The gayest person in the world. And flashing multicolored floor tiles. Okay, so it's John Travolta, right? That's what we're thinking of, the multicolored floor tiles.

That's what I'm thinking of, yeah. I think it was explained. So, super gay Saturday Night Fever meets Resident Evil in a volcano. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's see how much gayer it gets. A trap door in the floor that drops whoever was standing above it down into a super twisty fun slide. Yay!

Yay for taints. Yay for taints. That's so dark. Super twisty fun slide. Oh, it's evil. The ride down the slide will last a good two minutes. Yay! Why is everything a good period of time?

Why can't it just be two minutes? A horrifying two minutes down the super twisty just be two minutes? A horrifying two minutes. It's an alright two minutes. Oh, we're going to fool them again. Just long enough for the person to stop being scared and start enjoying the ride. We're getting diabolical now. The slide will eventually drop

them into an inescapable vat of slow-acting acid. Okay. The walls of the acid will show pictures of the victim going down the slide enjoying the ride like a macabre splash mountain.

That's funny. I gotta admit, that's fucking funny. I know in their head when they think slow-acting acid, they think like Batman acid, like green bubbling. I just think of like orange juice. It'll take a while. It'll get there.

Just got to give it some time. Oh, no, the citric acid. Oh, man. The hallway's leading to and from my throne room. I don't know if that's the bathroom or the room with the – We'll have slow-acting – His actual receiving chamber is his bathroom. Oh, okay.

State your business. He wants to be comfortable. That one's great. Pass me some paper. The hallways leading to and from my throne room will have sliding panels that can trap intruders in a small area. Oh, I'm stuck. The vents to this area

would open with hundreds of pretty butterflies emerging. Can't wait to see how evil this gets. The intruders would have only a few moments to wonder what is going on before the ravenous insects descend upon them and devour their flesh. The people are not made out of flowers.

Again, just like the orange juice and or coke, this would take a while. I mean, butterflies have a little proboscis. They take out like little nibbles. Yeah, they're fucking driver. No way. There's more. You guys don't even know what you're talking about because the butterflies would have been genetically modified to eat people.

Oh, okay. My bad. Sorry. Oh, I love when people just go science. Yeah, that's why. My bad. Sorry. Oh, I love when people just go, Science! That's why. The problem with this is you have to deal with months and months of protesters complaining about the GM

butterflies. GM hardcore pops up. And then the other problem is the butterflies have to pass a test before they can mate and make more butterflies. They have to have a good credit check on the butterflies. Mr. and Mrs. Butterfly, I'm so sorry.

People are food, true or false. So on that page, Boots, if you want to go down to Cheryl Cat. Cheryl. Cheryl Cat. Cheryl Cat. I do want to go down to Cherylcat. Superior life form. Picture of cat.

I'm Cherylcat. My first act, everyone has to take a test to determine whether they're capable of having kids or not. Of course. Oh, my God. They love the tests. Yes. Are you surprised that I said that? I am.

I bet you're amping up. Too stupid? No kids for you equals instant sterilization. You're kind of stupid there, Shale. Okay, never mind. Nuff said. So only the responsible, intelligent people will breed sticking out tongue face as its own sentence.

The test may include taking care of a dog for several months to see if you can handle the workload of something like that. In my opinion, Ken requires as much time and energy as a kid sometimes. Because you have to send a dog to school. I literally never had a kid. Cheryl has so many animals in her apartment. She has at least seven dogs. Well, you'll be shocked

by what I say here. Oh, okay. I will be shocked. Oh, and my evil lair should be filled with cats. Oh, huh. And the motor ride should be filled with cats. Oh, huh. And the motor at it should be filled with sharks with laser beams on their heads. Oh,

I get it. It's like the movie. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Winky face. Yup. Yup.

Yup. Yup. Hey! Alright, my name is Strathclyde, and Christmas is for Ted Children. That's good, F plus! Don't mock me. Let me introduce myself first. I've been lurking in this community for quite a while and decided to find a post here today. I'm 15, female, live in Pennsylvania.

Good to tell. Anyway, here's the topic of my post. With the holidays coming up so soon, let me ask you this. How many of you have had people tell you that Xmas is for children? How many people have heard someone say that they're too old to get excited about Christmas or that they're too old for presents? How many of you are planning on giving presents to your BG slash BF slash GF spouse, siblings, parents, and adult friends and receiving presents yourselves?

Is this a war on Christmas posts? It's a war on children also. Christmas. It really pisses me off when people act like anything that's remotely fun or enjoyable is for the children. It's the same thing with Halloween. I know that trick-or-treating is for children, but that doesn't mean the rest

of us, the rest of the holiday is. Adults can also dress up in costumes and have parties and stuff. Jesus Christ! Besides, I would think that giving presents to adults is better, since they can return the favor by giving you gifts. If you give toys to a four-year-old, the most you can expect to get in return is a poorly drawn Xmas card with, expect to get in return is a poorly drawn Xmas card with

Christmas and the toys will be broken in a few weeks. Wouldn't you mind rather spending, wouldn't you much rather spend money on someone who can return the favor than some ungrateful crotch dropping? Because they're the ones who are ungrateful.

I gave Legos to my niece. She didn't buy me Legos. One of the things kind of against it is that not only is it poorly drawn, but it's misspelled. Because nobody on this site misspells anything ever. Being the adults that they are. Come quiet. Who are you to judge me? I know that I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be

50 before you point your fingers, make sure your own hands are clean. That is all from that person's icon. Point. That's an icon. Winky smiley face. Some of us

adults go trick-or-treating too we're uber dorks cat face of course I do that because I like the fun of it then we run home with the stuff and re-give it out to kids that come by our house

sadly socialist trick-or-treaters it's Robin Hood trick-or-treating. Redistribution of Heath Bars. Oh. Is a man not entitled to a bit of bit-o-honey? Sadly, we cannot

afford to purchase candy to give out. It sucks. Because I so want to decorate the hell out of the place and have a truly interactive scary experience for all the trick-or-treaters. Of course, anyone not in costume will get nothing.

Uh, I... Uh... Okay. I have money for candy, and I'm not going to decorate my apartment, but if those two things weren't true, then I would, but then children might be mad. Therefore, fucking kids!

As for giftmas being for the children, bullshit! Gifmas, her-her. Gifmas is a man-made holiday stolen from pagan beliefs for anyone. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shut up. Oh, my God. Santa's image was stolen from a pagan fertility god.

That doesn't sound very childlike and innocent to me. Santa was a fertility god? I'm sure this person really researched it. Here comes the dick. They change to a red outfit from leather outfit with poison. The person's getting

entirely confused with Easter, but that's kind of funny. That doesn't sound very childlike and innocent to me. Pretty gross, actually. Ew, fertility. Oh, God. Winky face. Winky face.

Anyway, if this is for anyone who wants to celebrate, as is any holiday, when you get down to it, hell, I've been dealing with morons lately. I'll just be hard for you. Argue that Valentine's is for the children. Well, isn't that one a double ew? Why did you morph into Stog for the last one?

Valentine's is for children. And apparently these people just all hung out with ODB or something. You know, Debu Sean, despite what your avatar says, I'm sitting here judging you right now. It's a person named Debbie, I'm sure. Oh, that makes sense. Well, it's funny because I think Debu Chan, like they're trying to sound all anime, but Debu means fat, I'm pretty sure. So what's the problem with that are you saying that's inaccurate i'm saying well i don't think

that's inaccurate i'm just wondering if they know that after they name themselves are you being fat phobic i'm not being fat phobic all right um so this is a combination of a couple things that we like. The first thing is child-free hardcore. One of the things we like. And the second thing is the world of Otherkin. Oh, yay! I'm going to take this one. I'm so tired of the other astral dragons talking about their brood so much

I'm going to take this one for myself egg free hardcore alright my name is Otaken dude hey everyone an introductory post plus rant my name is Cameron

there isn't much guys here, is there? And I'm a 24 year old energetic vampire and otherkin as well. Wait, what? Yeah, I am. I'm sorry. It's my energy that was distracting you. I'm also child free.

My reasons for being child free are like most people's. I'm not very attractive. I severely dislike children. Start over with that sentence. Start over with that paragraph. I severely

dislike children. I can't stand most of what they do. Even the well-behaved ones, rare as they are, tick me off. Luck Lily, a found a good girl who shares my beliefs, and we're happily raising several pitbulls. There are Hannibal and Pussy. Two is several. You need your pitbull pussy?

No, no, no. There are several of them. There are at least a dozen of them, but their names are either the boys are named Hannibal and the girls are named Pussy. What? Now for the rant. I was at an anime convention

cosplaying my favorite SH character, Henry. What? And this little crotch-dropping was there and he looked at me and he said, you're too fat to be Henry. What? And this little crotch drop, crotch drooping was there, and he looked at me, and he said, You're too fat to be Henry. I mean, what the fuck? Who lets the injunctive?

Who let us? 11-year-olds play Silent Hill, right? And his mother was there and she actually laughed. That mother is awesome. She was laughing at me before the child said that. That's the story.

Way to spread fat phobia, you stupid moot cunt! I am so scared of fat. It's just... Ah, God, fat people! Save me from them. Oh, God. I mean, people just have no manners today.

All those stupid fucking mook cunts just have no manners. Fucking kettle! Yes. I told her I was gonna hex both her and her little... Oh! You need to restart that sentence. I was gonna hex

both her and... Can you restart it? Yeah, you're clipping. I'm just excited. We all need to calm down for a second. I'm energetic. I told her I was gonna hex both her and here

little fuck throw feet. But they kept laughing for some reason. For some reason. For some reason. It's a mystery. I'm going to put an X on you and your daughter!

Well, guess they don't know not to mess with an energy vampire. Every sentence of this gets better. This is amazing. I know. My favorite. Okay. Edit.

Okay, obviously you people all think I'm some hyphen kinda crazy or something just for having a different faith than you do. Oh my god. And I'm not a troll! This is simply my new journal. was on lj since 2005 the girl in the pic is my fiance tags adorable animal pics how to piss off the mods macro tm now monkeys with

typewriters please ban me proof that afterbirths can type. Recipes, whatnot. Yeah, I'm going to assume the mods added those tags, but it's much better for you. I don't think it's good. Alright. Rant time! Harry Potter book release. Don't worry. No spoilers. Yay.

Thanks. Okay. You guys are going to be pissed when you hear about this. Trust me. I showed up at 7 in full costume for a 9 a.m. release. Devoted, no? Mm-hmm. I was one of the few to dress up and I was the best dressed.

Yeah. Yeah, I was. Why are you laughing? I was. I worked hard on it, asshole. I'm not being vain. I honestly had the most detailed and accurate costume there. Oh, that's what you meant by best dressed. Because I didn't think you were actually a good dresser.

No, I was the best dresser. My wizard scarf was the straightest. We were told in line that the best dressed person in line gets to open the box and have the first Half-Blood Prince book. So I'm a shoo-in, aren't I? Probably. Yeah. I'm for you. Wrong. What? Yeah. Yeah. Wrong.

What? Yeah, wrong. What happened? Well, let me get to that. Fucking Moo brings in her bratty sprog in at like 8.59 a.m., dressed in a generic Kmart cape with stars and glitter and fucking gaudy blah. Oh, and also twig for a wand. That actually sounds kind of adorable. Oh,

oh, Whittle Pwesh is so cute. Oh my god, you can open a box and have this book you can't read, and fawning, fawning, blatant breederism, etc. Breederism. Breederism. God, it's everywhere, isn't it? The fucking kid won't, no, no, the fucking kid won't even remember this.

The box opening was mine. Mine! Why are you laughing? It was mine! I'm sorry. I'm your lover. I wouldn't have minded if someone had said, okay, look, Sass, you're the best dressed, but would you

mind if this landmine amputee opened the box instead? What? I would have said, okay, look, Sass, you're the best dressed, but would you mind if this landmine amputee opened the box instead? What? I would have said... I would have said, absolutely. No problem. Go for it. Amputees really love Harry Potter. You guys don't know that. Only the landmine types.

But, no. Fucking crotch-dropping gets the honor. I am furious furious On principle, of course Not out of any sense of entitlement I was going to call you out for feeling entitled But you beat me to it It's not out of entitlement You're so judgmental, Mr. Lemon Guy

I'm not inviting you to my next Harry so judgmental, Mr. Lemon Guy. I'm not inviting you to my next Harry Potter party. Well, you know what? Well, yes, entitlement also. Thank you. But I worked for it. I deserved it. I made an effort.

I spent money making an effort. I showed up early. I will remember and treasure this event forever and eternity. Jesus. He's treasuring it right now. I will remember and treasure this event forever and eternity. Clearly. Treasuring it right now. I'm treasuring it. Treasure it. And I passed over for an ugly little brat with a sparkly tie. Woo fucking woo.

Wow. Wow. I didn't stab her in the eye with my wand. Oh, well, good. Well, I wanted to. I talked about doing so very fucking loudly. Jesus. Jesus Christ.

I was going to eviscerate her mother with a cover of my brand new copy. How are you going to do that? The corners are sharp. Books are sharp. You guys don't know that. I fucking hate breeders and child lovers. Fucking go to hell. I am so pissed about this.

Sorry. It's just that in 10 years' time, this kid won't remember what she was doing on July 16, 2005. Well, she will now. That's the first time you receive a death threat, honey. Remember when that butter golem in the Harry Potter thing yelled at you for an hour? What is a butter golem? That is not a Harry Potter canon. You –

No, no. Lendolixicus! You over there, KumquatXOP? No, you shut up. You shut up. I've earned this. I'm not fucking entitled. My magic protector spirit is a tub of Landolix. In ten years...

In ten years time, I will be remembering how I was deprived of this nerdly honor by an opportunistic twat breeder and her shitling. Opportunity honor? Twat breeder and her shitling? She breeding twats? How much money is there in twat breeding?

You never saw when Oprah went down to the twat farm and started busting up cages and things like that. I'm hurt. All my life nothing has gotten me more than being deliberately ignored or passed over. Honestly, that's the sort of thing

that can make me cry in public. Or key your car. Or viciously murder you and your family in the heat of frustration and never-ending denial. Well, clearly this person has no issues beyond a Harry Potter book opening. I want to know if they...

God damn it! I want to know if they actually cried at the thing. They did, okay? It's not unmanly to cry. Congratulations, breeders, you win. You win what? Harry Potter. Oh, but we, you win. Win what? Harry Potter.

Oh, but we have an addition. Edited to add, to all of you who are calling me immature, etc., I would like to add that you make a very good point, but have you considered go fuck yourself? No, actually, I hadn't considered that. I'll have to get back to you. I'll have to think about it. I'll have to think about it and get back to you. Oh, shit. I've got to do some research.

Who's next? Victor? Should Victor have it? Yeah, Victor. Victor, don't you love the smell of birthing in the morning? You're glitter savvy. I do love the smell of birthing in the morning. Sight, not the smell.

So I have the TV on in the background. Switch to some random channel And there's a thing about growing up Slash puberty Slash blah blah blah Which I assume is a kids education program And I'm not watching it Because I'm busy But oh joy

The one moment when I decide to turn and face the TV Is the one where they're Showing a sprog being squeezed out of a mommy hole. Really? As a doctor, you're familiar with those terms, right? Not as horribly graphic as some I've been unfortunate enough to see, but still, WTF?

It is not 11 a.m. yet. I do not need this. Get your dilated pussy and squealing mucus-covered monkey off my television. Graded and underscore. Yeah. I like that she used the term

mummy hole and pussy. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wanderlust lost response to that. Yeah, the first response was nice. Oh, can I do it? Yes. Okay. I fucking hate how a gorgeous woman showing her tits is dirty and wrong,

and yet we can see as many dilated, bloody, slimy pussies as we like, just so long as a screaming human larva is coming out of it. W-U-T-F. pussies as we like, just so long as a screaming human larva is coming out of it. W U T F Because that shit's just on TV all the time. This is the worst stand-up comedy routine ever. And a lot of these responses

are just like, I know, right? People are showing births on TV constantly. You can't get away from it. It's like, what are you talking about? Oh my god, Debu-chan. Oh, wow. I assume pregnancy is what she means when she

says diagnosed with semen infection. She's just an aerosol can of issues and she's sharing it with everyone. I think they all just try to outgross each other. Did you see that Commander'd

comment underneath the last one? Oh, that's pretty good. I'll take that too. It's because the one above it says, I'm a straight female, but I have no problem with tits on TV or cocks. Big open smiley face. And then Commander'd says, Me either. I like nudity. I don't especially see anything sexual in it unless it's in a sexual context.

There you go. But yeah, I've never understood why, colon. All right, here's the list. Daytime TV plus naked adult equals bad. Daytime TV plus naked baby ass equals good. I don't know if good's the word. Oh, yeah. Let me see some of that smooth ass.

That naked baby ass demographic that the executives are always trying to appease. Daytime TV plus female vagina equals bad. Male vagina? Only female vaginas. No Buck Angel in this shit.

Daytime TV plus female vagina with baby equals good. Fucking weird. And we wonder why some people have issues, quote, with sex and nudity because they've been taught the only time it is acceptable at all is for baby. I no longer wonder why people have issues with sex and nudity. I no longer wonder why people have issues with sex and nudity. I just love the idea, like, the way that's posed. It's like female. It's not somebody giving birth.

It's female vagina with baby. Like, standard in practice is like, oh, I don't know about this. They just put a baby next to it. Oh, okay. Now it's approved by the Hays Code. Just a clip art or a stock photo or something. That's TV7, whatever. Okay.

Gross, gross, gross! We had to watch one of those in junior high, home ec. Granted, it was my own fault for taking the class. Damn it, I love to sew. But I was the only one who got grossed out other than the two boys in the class i was just like that's so disgusting ew never ever having kids and of course my status as a female was promptly called into question by my classmates really never having kids are you sure you're not a dude all right um one of them asked me what i do if i I got pregnant. I told him I'd buy a Hoover and fix the problem. I don't really understand how things work exactly.

Predictably, they were all like, OMG, what the fuck, baby killer? This is Texas, mind you. And then one of those little bitches actually had the gall to ask me if I brought a baby. Like the tribe. Gall of the tribe. Yeah, she became like a

Gaul. The ancient Frenchman. Asterix came out. This was Texas. They have a low opinion of France. That's true. Actually, he had the Gaul to ask me if I brought a baby in here, would you kill it?

To which I responded, I would if I thought I might grow up to be like you. Oh, might I be the first to say oh, snap. Yeah. Witch sister! Yay for tates! Stunned silence followed from everyone except the teacher,

who was snickering. What really got to me is we just watched a video in junior high with a close-up of a vagina. I've spit all over my monitor. If there had been no baby inside the vagina, it would have been OMG Prawn! The teacher would have been fired for showing it. People's parents would have sued the school, and every girl in the class would have indignantly stormed out of the room in heated protest. the school, and every girl in the class would have indignantly stormed out of the room in heated protest. But,

because the vagina was covered in blood, stretched to the breaking point, attached to a moo who was screaming in pain rather than pleasure, therefore far more frightening and grotesque than any normal vagina should ever be. This somehow made it go from offensive to beautiful!

I have yet to comprehend this logic. I sympathize. I was pointing and spitting the entire time. You see? I have also yet to comprehend the logic. Yeah. There's a lot of logic to not comprehend here. Oh, dear.

By the way, Debu Chan actually says... She says... There's a lot of logic to not comprehend here. Oh, dear. By the way, Debu Chan actually says, she says, why are you congratulating me about being pregnant? Her response, the vapid whore said, it's okay. The state will pay for it. Women don't have to do anything so more as long as they are pregnant. Pregnancy is great. Yeah, that's a real conversation. I'm sure somebody totally said that to her I'm getting an abortion if that offends you

tough she says to her boyfriend he says oh thank god I didn't want to have to break up with you laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

laughter music music music music music music music and there we go that's an hour or so of child-free entertainment. John, what do you think of this week? Well, besides the fact that adding crotch and then something gross is always hilarious? It's pretty funny, actually. Yeah.

So I do like crotch fruit. But no, it's just the H in hardcore. Instead of hardcore, the H could also stand for hypocritical. It's just – the H in hardcore – instead of hardcore, the H could also stand for hypocritical because just over and over, these people I guess are just so blinded by DNA passing along rage that it's like they say like, man, I hate how they're PC and like I got to be PC around these kids. And then it's like, but we should censor anything on TV that's about – we should censor you if you say anything against us on our forum or we should censor anything on TV that's about kids. It's like it's the same thing except it's just against what you like yeah it's you know it's the exact same mentality you're just the other side of the coin you're totally right about it you know it's it's interesting because you know they they they they have the you've seen before you know like oh the world's so overpopulated you know like oh i don't really

want kids you know like yeah all of this stuff that's just completely normal but then but then it's like this this political cause that like they're they're thinking themselves as like a race that's just persecuted against right which is crazy absolutely crazy yeah i guess maybe they saw the hardcore and it's like oh man i, I got to go all out with the hardcore. Except they thought of going all out as in just being an angry idiot. That's right. The internet doesn't get smarter. It just turns up volume. Exactly. And this is like saying hardcore. It's like, let's turn the volume up all the way. Let's see what goes on here.

Well, when you got free on your own self, I think you should go to thefpl.us and leave comments. When you're done tending to your crotch fruit, post some comments. Or just yell. That's fine, too. I don't mean actually type. You should yell at your

keyboard and just see what happens. Just poke your head out the window. Just, you know, annoy passersby with our podcast. Until next week, I've been lowercase x, capital X, lowercase x Lemon. And I've been Nona Mouse. And I am a singing loaf of bread that's also a cat. And you've been terrific. Bye-bye.

We're going to the level A! We're going to get the state! We're going to get the family! We're going to get the family! Turn to me! We're going to get the family! We're going to get the family! We're going to get the family! We're going to get the family! We're going to get the family!

My downstairs neighbor just came up to yell at me for making too much noise walking around the apartment at night last weekend because he kept his toddler son awake. Oh, damn it, bastard! I pointed out I was on vacation last weekend and that there was nobody in my apartment to make noise. He then pointed at my cat and said, Well, then she must be running around at night. Can't you stop her? Now, my cat stopped growing at about five months old and weighs maybe

three pounds. How much noise could she possibly make walking on the floor? Plus, how the fuck do you stop a cat from walking around if it wants to? Tags. How the fuck do you stop a cat? I'm really disappointed that this is the only article

that links to how the fuck do you stop a cat.