The F Plus - 43: My Fanfics Are Full of Emotion

Episode Date: April 12, 2011

This is the internet, and there are nerdy teenagers on it. As such, there are a lot of people writing a lot of fanfiction about their favorite television shows. Having a podcast with an interest in such things means you have to be discerning, and seek out the fanfiction authors with a certain je ne sais quoi, a mixture of verve and enthusiasm for the written word that causes you to rethink everything you've been taught. Or maybe it's just terrible prose. This week on the F Plus, we're learning Danube ain't just a river in Germany.

Hello, this is the FPL Plus Podcast number 43. I am Stog. Hello. We would like to say thank you to Julia for providing us with Hans von Hosel. If you'd like a shout out in a future episode, please visit thefpl.us and submit your horrid wonderfulness for consideration. Thanks. Enjoy the podcast. Hey there, welcome to UF Plus. Terrible Things, right with enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm John. And I am so happy you are here with me, John,

and all of our listeners are listening, because this episode, I've got fan fiction for you. What? Fan fiction? Really? Yeah. Look, I love crazy fan fiction, okay, but it's played out. We've done, I don't know, 10, 20 episodes on that stuff so far? Come on. Stuff like that, but look, the podcast is called,

or the subtitle is Terrible Things Read With Enthusiasm. Yeah, but not Terrible Things Read With Enthusiasm, the same thing every week. Look, here's my thing, okay? Fanfiction, cool, but it's played out, we know crazy people write. Okay, look, it's gotta be something out there for me to even get back on board and interested

with this. Like, let's say. Such as? I don't know. Like, some crazy German kid doesn't know English, writes like a million stories. Half of them are just taken from the title. Yeah. And just some crazy bullshit is spun off of that.

Or it's got to be, I don't know, like Garfield listening to Dio riding on a motorcycle saving the world or some crap like that. John? Uh-huh? I have both of those things. Okay, yeah, convenient. Let's see some links. Right here. Alright, let's see. Oh. Oh.

Okay. You're back on board now, aren't you? I'm definitely back on board. Let's do this. Alright, let's get to the readers. In the room tonight, we have Ace Aracawaddle. So America made ascending emails and say, Hans, please make a story of Sanco de Mayo. So we're making story.

Happy 5th May. Boots rain gear. But the half-life, screamed Gordon. say, Hans, please make a story of Senko de Mayo. So we're making a story. Happy Fifth May! Boots rain gear. But the half-life, screamed Gordon, as he made ascending to jail and bacteria dissolves the lab. Dog! We are tired of hearing your cats sing, shout the neighbors. But no one can hear them over the

noises of cats. John! Pikachu learns a lesson about the stealing of crime. Oh my god! Michelle? And all of the Animal Crossing city had been destroyed by the cars. Vortex? I am Missingno, say Missingno,

and I shall make a missing from your number. Tonight's special guest, Ophelia Flame. Alien made ignorings of this comment and tried to sword at Predator, but the armor was too strong. Your soaring startings have no effect on me, shout Predator. And Predator get laser beam and a shot of Alien. Oh my god. So this is my profile. My name is Hans von Hosel.

I have written 248 stories. Among the subjects that I've written, Kung Fu Panda, Big Bang Theory, Torchwood, X-Overs. Mr. Holland's Opus. The Room. Tank Engine. The Room is in there? Half-Life. He did The room by request.

Maple Story? The Last Unicorn. Anyway, this is my bio. Hello there, my name is Hans von Hosell. I like to write stories to make an improve of my English. Please read and enjoy Smiley Face. You're on your way, Hans.

You are definitely making an improve of your English. Please read and enjoy, smiley face. You're on your way, Hans. You are definitely making an improve of your English. You don't know how bad it was before. I had idea when one day I was in Berlin. Suddenly, everything in English. I could not understand it. It was like in another language. So, I make

English and do stories in it. Common space D. Why the long emoticon? You can make an email at me at or use PM button. But make a nice email, please.

Don't make fun of my stretchy face. Edit. Oh, hi again, guys. I see option to call traffic and that's that what and go what that i meant i make a click i don't know what you said there but it was fantastic i don't even think i read that right november starts for the month of 2008 11 there have been a total of 20,892 hits and 6,151 visitors to all of your stories.

Not mine, but yours are very popular. What is your reaction to these statistics? Ah! Sex! I think that should be more of a shock scream. Thank you guys for making such an addition to my numbers. You give me much support, smiley face, smiley face, smiley face. No, no, no.

Much goodly support. Much goodly support, smiley face, smiley face, smiley face. He grew two extra heads. He was so happy. Do you have anything else to say? Hi again. It's the beta writings. So I creation of a beta's

URL. Is this much you're liking every fun? I have now a joining to fiction press also, but not so many stories on there as fan fiction is better. And now a lot of people has asked for a link to make

my stories into their downloading and a lot emailing, so I made it an upload! What? What is... Oh my god. I think this is... Wow. Never have I gone from zero to I don't know what's going on

so quickly in a podcast. I'm calling this guy for tech support. I'm giving him some leeway. I'm putting this email up and putting, yeah. Yeah. I'm giving him some leeway

because this is probably what I'd sound like in German, only worse. This is probably what I'd sound like in Spanish. Stog, this is what you sound like anyway. Awesome.

And a, and a, and so now, not a lot of emailing yes smiley face very narrow eyes so now a not lot emailing yeah I am a floppy

I am a floppy butterfly in spring yeah John do you want to start us off here with the twilight fan fiction I do a German accent? I don't even know. Don't bother. If you have to ask, you can't. Do your Canadian accent.

No. No, I think I'll wait until the right moment for that one. Okay. Thanks. This is by Hans von Hosel and this is Twilight. Twilight. Twilight.

The vampires turned into much bats. Oh no, Edward said. I am a bat now. The bats make a fly in the sky. It would thing at night time, said Edward, because vampires can do no to sunlight. Suddenly, sunlight. The sun shined in the sky. Suddenly, all the

bats turned to dust. Oh no, Isabella said. My vampire is much dust. Isabella looked at the dust. Suddenly all the bats turned to dust. Oh no, Isabella said, my vampire is much dust. Isabella looked at the dust. She put her hand into the dust. Suddenly she turned into dust because you can no touch the dust. Suddenly wind. The wind blew the dust away. You know what?

That's definitely a good story. It has conflict resolution. And immoral. It has a moral. I'm seeing a strong E.E. Cummings slash William Carlos Williams

influence in this thing. Yeah, yeah. I know that suddenly wind really touched me. I want to read Russia Day. Okay, we are on to Russia Day. Russia Day.

Russia Day by Hans von Hosell. Russia Day. One day, Russia. Cut, print, beautiful. That's wonderful. On the bottom of the screen. That's wonderful.

One day, Russia. It is many Russia days today. Making a saying Russia and Russia absorbed many goulash. Yes, it did. Russians just like pour it on their bodies and suck it in through their pores. The goulash's power became my own.

It's a little hard today, aren't you, Russia? America was annoyed at Russia Gitter Day. I want 4th July again now, makes a shouting America. And the Englands went to make and calm down of America. All of those Englands. It is not of turning calendars say the Englands and get out of a calendar

Sorry, get out a calendar But suddenly Russia came to America and the Englands I shall absorb your island! Shout Russia, and Russia absorbed the Englands Wow, that was quick Good job, Russia.

I can't believe all it needed was just a will. Russia, you are the demons. Oh no! Shout the Englands. I am part of Russia now. America was annoyed at Russia absorb its island. And try to denube at Russia. When suddenly Serbia say... Sorry Russia when suddenly Serbia and say, you cannot denube as I own of the river.

The river Danube, I bet. Yeah, Danube. Yeah, all right. Okay, it is all right. Austria was annoyed as it made ownings of Danube also. And Serbia and Austria both flew into the sky and shot laser beams at each other.

As one does. How do countries fly in the sky? Never mind. Never mind. That's fucking sweet. The thing that makes this weird is this is actually for a comic where the countries are personified as people.

So I guess people are absorbing each other or something. What comic is it? Oh, well, now it makes sense. It's called Axis Powers Hetalia. It's up there at the top. Yeah. It's also incredibly racist. Wow.

Oh, yeah. That's the thing with all the swastikas. All right. Yeah. Yeah. The thing with all the swastikas. the thing with all the swastikas. Yeah, the thing with all the swastikas.

America was sadly as a not Danube and tried to run away from Russia. I want to upgrade my Belgrade! Don't we all? I got spam about that one day. And Serbia was pulled with magnets toward Russia

and Serbia was absorbed into Russia toward Russia, and Serbia was absorbed into Russia. How does that work? I now own Danube, say Austria, as it Danubed, and suddenly its Danube was pulled to Russia, and Austria absorbed also.

Now Russia makes ownings of our Danube, say a sadly Serbia and Austria. Oh, it's sadly Serbia now. Stop making absorb of countries! Shout America, but too late. Russia

had absorbed America. Oh, man. Have a good night. I like that in this story, the word Danube is like the word Smurf. Alright. I like that in this story, the word Danube is like the word Smurf. Yeah, it really is. All right.

Ophelia, you're a dancer. I am. You are. Does that mean that you watch Glee? No. Well, that's fine, because you're going to read Glee instead. Oh, awesome. This is a story about Glee. Oh, Glee.

You're going to Glee. This is suspense, and suspense says supernatural, by the way. Glee. One day, Glee Club would dance the stage. It's good to make a dance, say Glee Club, as a sing. But the sing was badly. Of the badly

singing, scream the crowd as they throw rotten banana at Glee Club. Oh. Stop throw your bananas. Stop, Glee Club. They all shouted simultaneously. They're a hive mind now. Stop throw your bananas. They all shouted simultaneously. They're a hive mind now.

Stop, throw your bananas. But no one had listened, and soon enough, bananas grow a whole banana forest. Oh! Suddenly, the seed from banana fall to the floor and the trees spring up from the ground a huge banana

forest grew up from the ground and the whole city what is my accent I have no idea it's not German it's not German it's African frankly I want you to keep going with that I'm going to say I want you to keep going with that because that's fantastic.

I'm going to say banana thing. I kind of went to like the. I'm going to say cartoon gypsy stereotype. I was actually thinking Haitian, like witch doctor. Crossed my palm with silver. Yeah, it suddenly became like the seven up guy. I don't know. Going with it.

It's fantastic. A huge banana forest grew from the ground and the whole city was turned to a forest of banana trees. Hell yeah. I think I just can't. Keep up this chant, I'm going to turn into a chicken. Oh no,

St. Lee Club. As they were trapped inside banana forest until the end of time. Now we know what the last episode's gonna be. I regret calling this Miss Cleo line more and more.

I think that's the best fortune I've ever had, Frank. Wallflower. One day, a flower from a wall. Many of wallflower say wallflower. But suddenly, the flower grew too big for its wall. Oh, no. No, shout wallflower.

The wall fell down because too big wallflower no shout wallflower as are not walls pardon will you read that one more time as are not walls okay thank you. You're welcome. And so Wallflower tried to find a new wall. Okay. Wallflower used its vines to make crawl across the floor. Wallflower look up and saw a huge wall. I am a record break of world's longest wall, say wall. You know, the wall's pretty smart here because it's only known like two walls. I mean, how would the flower know?

Yeah. Interesting, say wallflower. But off the tall enough? Yes, say wall. So a crawl on me. And so wallflower crawled up the brick wall. Yay, say wallflower. But soon it grew longer than wall.

Longer? Longer. Okay. This is no goodly, say wallflower. But soon it grew longer than wall. Longer? Longer. Okay. This is no goodly, say wall. You are too big, wallflower. Okay. And full wallflower fell off the wall. Wah, say wallflower.

Wah. I have made drawingsings too much. Wallflower was Lucy. Is true, say wall. But I can make growings too. And the wall learned to grow longer. And the wallflower was happy.

Yay, wall! Say happy wallflower. Constructing in its leaves. Yay, wall! Say happy wallflower. Constructing in its leaves. Yay! I will say this much. I will say this much. If you made a, like, a claymation cartoon based on this story,

it would win so many awards. Yes, it would. This guy's so adorable. Like Pingo or a village called Panic, yeah. And you could name it. That's your flash project right there. You can name it. I could make growings too.

Well, we definitely need to do this one. Before you read the story that I'm about to link, John, I need you to first give the summary, which is right there. There it is. summary, which is right there. There it is. Summary's right there. Okay, so I saw a horrible, scary movie called The Human Centipede, and it was horrible.

It was and always horrible. But I make this version where it is not scary and of the happy ending. Yay! Oh, no, this is a bug's life. Yeah, but it's from a bug's life. Oh, my God. Crossover. Oh, my God.

All right, let's hear the human centipede with happy ending then. Centipede Crufts. C-R-U-F-T-S. I honestly don't know. It's the Crufts dog show, which the centipede Crufts Crufts C-R-U-F-T-S It's the Crufts dog show which the centipede is in, I think Oh, okay, Centipede Crufts Crufts Crufts

One day, Dr. Hader was sitting in science lab where he was practice a study of the insects Suddenly, his pet giant centipede made that noob into the room. Hello, centipede, said Dr. Hater. It is good

to see you. Dr. Hater, I need of your help, say centipede. It is good you have turned me giant insect, but I have a wish. I want to enter the crufts and win the trophy. What? No, silly centipede, said Dr. Hater. You cannot crups. Crups is for dogs.

It is not for insects. That's right. The human centipede, you know, ass-to-mouth beast is not a registered breed. Well, are you sure it's the human one or is it the dog one that was the prototype? Oh, maybe.

The centipede made a sadly on the floor and made sad insect tears into Dr. Hater's science research. Oh no, my research say Dr. Hater. Okay, centipede, stop your cry. I will take you to contest. Yay! Centipede made happy. Yay!

And they got a plane and planed to Cruft Stadium. They bust. Who is here for entrance to contest? Say the judge of competition. As he observed at the dogs, suddenly he saw Centipede. No, you cannot enter Centipede into Cruft, shout judge. I do not accept your opinion, yell Centipede, and Centipede

ate all of the dogs. No, no! Happy! Now I am the only contestant, and all must vote for me. Well, he's got us there. We can't really... Yeah, exactly. Okay, okay, say

Judge, who made votes for Centipede? Centipede made a happy dance of winning the votes. Centipede, you are winner of crufts, say judge, as gives Centipede a medal that shone the gold. He went from menace to jubilant in a very quick step there. You must win!

I must win! Okay, you win. Yay! Yay! Centipede, I am proud of you win competition say dr hater and they had celebration with party hats and balloons okay happy i'm happy now i think that actually makes it more horrifying. I think real quickly, this is the James Bond fan fiction. And it's also geopolitical. So that's good.

I'm just going to read this here. Quantum of Solace. James Bond sat on a car. Not in, on. Is nice to make a spying. Say James Bond. Make a car. Not in. On. Sat on a car. Is nice to make a spying, say James Bond. Making a spying? Can't argue with that.

Ended being nice. His spying revealed that the oils were being stolen from Americas. By Americas rather. Oh no! What this? Asked Bond. A stealing? Suddenly, Putin jumped out from behind the car.

Is no good to make your spying here, shout Putin and shot James Bond with a gun. Oh my god. Oh no. James Bond, no. Oh. At least he didn't try to poison him. Oh, that's beautiful.

That's amazing. Will he have make alive? Find out more. It's no good to make your spines here. Ein Jodler hör ich gern aus der Nähe und von der Fern. Mit der Liebe im Herzen drin singt in jede Senderin. Darum zieh ich jedes Jahr in die Berge, das ist klar. Und ich sing mit frohem Sinn, weil ich dann in Urlaub bin. And I sing with a great sense of humor, because then I'm on vacation. All right, Boots, what do you got next for us?

We've got Shakespeare Hemingway. Oh, Shakespeare. Awesome. Fantastic. I'm going to read Shakespeare Hemingway's personal bio here. I think you should.

This is so interesting. The author has written 17 stories for Garfield, Batman, Gilmore Girls, Dexter, Street Fighter, Cyber the Bell, Frasier, Mass Effect, Sex and the City,

Red Dead Redemption, and High School Musical. But mostly Garfield. With a heavy emphasis on Garfield. About Shakespeare Hemingway. I like reading and

writing good stories. Winky face. Alright. I also enjoy video games and anime. Shakespeare and Hemingway are my favorite writers. I would hope they influence me. Sure. I also like Garfield very much and enjoy writing about him.

Thank you for reading my stories. It means much to me. I'm currently writing a fanfic about Mass Effect. It is going to be multi-part and pretty epic, I think, Wikiface. Thank you all for comments, good and bad. Bad comments

after all are just good comments upside down. Turn that bad review upside down. Well, you suck right way up. I like to wish all a happy New Year's and thank everyone who reads my stories. So the first one we have here is called Garfield First Blood Part 2 Forever Fist. What? I want to be in here first to

say that surprisingly enough Mr. Shakespeare Hemingway, whose two favorite writers are Shakespeare and Hemingway, can't spell one of his favorite writers last names. That's not how you spell Hemingway. It's influenced him so much that they're on a first name basis.

I wish there was another M in there. That's all I'm saying. In his bio, he actually spells it correctly. Weird. Well, he probably spell checked it then. Yeah. It was a bright morning full of rain and sun when Natalie Portman was doing her acting.

These are my words, and my emotions are full of emotion. Natalie Portman with acting. I can believe it. I'm going to direct you to the director. Excellent. This is Oscar-winning performance. Said the director with compliments.

Thank you. I am a four star actress. Natalie Portman with thanks. I didn't know. I didn't know Michelin rated actresses. Robo actress here. But wait. Then all of a sudden out of mist, Ashton Kutcher appeared with sinister plans.

Ha ha, Natalie Portman, you will star in me with movies and be forever mine. Then I will have immortality. Tackled Ashton Kutcher with evil. I think he missed a step. No, Ashton Kutcher, I will not give in to your evil. Right out Natalie Portman in defiance. Ha ha, you have no say in this. You are my prisoner.

Behold Forcefield. Said Ashton Kutcher as he summoned to Forcefield prison to capture Natalie Portman. You just got Forcefield punked. Oh, sorry, sorry. That's me. Now to my studio lair where we'll be starring movies together!

Declared Ashton Kutcher with evil as he left with imprisoned Natalie Portman. Am I just holding her in like a force field cube? Yes. Okay. You just, you beheld her a force field. Sure, right. Meanwhile, Garfield was riding alone

on All-American Highway on his custom Harley Davidson motorcycle. Jesus Christ! This is not safe! Rocking out to Dio! I've been driving all night! My name is Garfield! Rocking out to Dio turned up to maximum value.

Rocking out to Dio. Just a tabby in the dark. You beat me to it. I was trying to get there. Ha ha. Hi, my name is Dennis Hopper and I'm going to train the muscles. Said Garfield

as he pulled into a gym for training. Garfield went to the punching bag for punching practice. It was a punching bag made of diamond and steel so it can take his super punches, which are like force of nature.

Just the one. That's right. I am fast, mighty with speed. Garfield said as he punched the punching bag. As Garfield practiced his punches, news reports came on the TV. Boots. This just in, Ashton Kutcher has tweeted that he kidnapped Natalie Portman for an evil movie. To be fair, that is rather in character, I think.

That's true. That's true. Lol kidnapped Portman. If only a hero was man enough to save her, said the newsman with reporting. Indignities. man with reporting. Sure. Indignities. Roared Garfield as he punched the punching bag

in half with ease at the anger of the reporting. Wow. Garfield feels very strongly about this. Garfield waltzed out of the gym. Who did he have with him? I'm sure it's a very angry waltz.

He waltzed with the punching bag. have with him? I'm sure it's a very angry Waltz. He Waltz with the punching bag. He Waltz thought of the Jim Inquest to rescue Natalie Portman with his manly power. Outside of Jim, Garfield was confronted with thugs. I have a question. I just want to make sure

absolutely positive that I'm not missing something. He's talking about the fucking cat, right? He's talking about the cat. He's the cartoon cat. Portax, you are the thugs. Ha ha, Garfield. We were

sent by Aston Kutcher to be putting stop to you. Now's the time for endings. Said the thugs with arrogant laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. The only thing being stopped is your life. Eat time for endings. Said the thugs with arrogant laugh. The only thing being stopped is your life. Eat fist. Gored Garfield with anger.

Alright. The thugs then attacked Garfield with foolishness. One thug swung a chain at him, the other hit him with a baseball bat, but it was no use. They bounced off Garfield's muscles like rubber ball on a donkey. That's the perfect simile, just gives me such a rich image.

This line brought to you by a lot of drink. Vortex? What? Cried out the thugs in shocking disbelief. My turn, miscreants. Said Garfield. Has he lifted one thug above his head? Time to make a wish. Said Garfield as he snapped the thug in two.

Wait, I think you're getting your quips out of order. That doesn't make no sense. After the thug snapping, Garfield turned to the other thug with vengeance You see the thug was like a wishbone So he snapped the thug in two No I'm still I'm sure you've all gotten past this point

But the fact that The fact that Garfield is powerbombing Guys I'm just I can't get past that That happened in the comic all the time there was a three tropes I hate Mondays I kill spiders and I fucking powerbomb fuck

yeah that one where he broke the mailman in half and John's like you're gonna have to clean that up yeah exactly I just pulled out Odie's still beating heart feed me I guess this would Odie's still beating heart. Feed me. I guess this is John's roommate. Oh god, where are we? Where are we?

Yeah, I think it's me. The thug snapping. Yeah. Garfield, please spare my life. I am a poor starving man. Said the thug with begging. Starve of my fist. I am a poor starving man, said the thug with begging. Starve of my fist, said Garfield as he

punched the thug's stomach out. Wait, that didn't make any sense. Ow! Garfield combat! Garfield then hopped on his custom Harley Davidson motorcycle and revved the engines to rescue the Natalie Portman.

Ashton Kutcher, I hope your heart is in good health because I'm going to rip it out of your chest. Garfield said... Would it matter if his heart was in good health? Garfield said as he put his shades on and rode off for rescue. As Garfield rode, a tractor trailer truck filled with lasagna drove beside him

lasagna feed my body and soul give me strength to rescue ladies in danger that's how I say grace Garfield said as he looked to the truck lasagna burst out of the truck to feed Garfield and entered his mouth for eating.

Garfield's muscular body with power and energy. Is Popeye the Sailor Man or something? With orange and black stripes. Right. Thank you, Lasagna. You are now part of me Garfield said with gratitude to lasagna Ah cheese and sausage

Now I'm ready said two active things In the distance Garfield spotted trouble It was a tank Filled with vile minions of Ashton Kutcher Like a military tank or like a fish tank No. Like a military tank? Or like a fish tank? No, it's a military tank. Okay. Am I the commander then? Does that count as a thug?

I guess so, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Behold, Garfield, our beast of iron and metal. Your ride ends here, Garfield, for we are righteous. Yay! Thanks, commander, with taunts. Taunts not provided. Your ride ends here Garfield For we are righteous Thank you commander With taunts

Taunts not provided Make up your own taunts Go to hell you smell At villain's petty taunts Garfield laughed with scoffing What? How do you do that? At the same time

He turned on his Dio beyond maximum volume and glared at Foolish Tank with fiery eyes. Lost in peace, iron beast. Garfield said to the tank as he rode right through the tank at laser speed, splitting it in half. Laser speed? Laser speed, yes.

Is that better than light speed? Well, it'd be slightly slower than light speed, so he's not fast enough to go at light speed. Meanwhile, in Ashton Kutcher's Demon Lair, evil was brewing in hearts of men. Ashton Kutcher was sitting on his throne dressed like Wicked Sultan

while Natalie Portman was chained to the wall. Wow. You masturbate to weird thoughts right haha natalie portman you are mine on this midnight hour all of your hope should be abandoned for i am your new master cackled cackled ashton kutcher with evil. I'm terrible. No, Garfield will save me, for he is true hero of man. Natalie Portman said with hope. Truly, Garfield is king of kings. Ho, ho!

Not even Garfield's manliness can save you now. I don't know what you're laughing at. We will star in movies and make eons of money because like numerical value. You're in a new era of pennies. Yeah. Declared Ashton Kutcher with maniac laughing. Garfield, please come. I need you. Natalie Portman said with a longing.

Meanwhile, Garfield was riding the lonely road of the hero with hair blowing through wind like wet lasagna in a fan. That is a beautiful image. That is a image, yes.

I don't know what that means. In the distance, Garfield saw Ashton Kutcher's Palace of Pain and Evil. That was my favorite 80s dance band. This is the house that Punk built. It was on island, surrounded by lava and crocodiles. Lava crocodiles. Crocodiles can't like that. Whatever crocodiles, it's fine. Lava crocodiles. Crocodiles can't like that. It's fine. There seemed no way, but Garfield

never gives up, never surrenders. Garfield may listen to Dio, but he's actually Corey Hart. Jean-Claude Van Damme and Garfield never give up. Never surrender. God. Time to do the sky bird.

Garfield declared as he pulled out his lasagna glide. Lasagna glider? Wow! Garfield declared as he pulled out his lasagna glider and glided to Island of Ashton Kutcher. I yark up my lasagna glider. He has a plane made of lasagna. That is, no, I'm going to

assume it's like some sort of toyetic, like, oh, it's got like a, it's lasagna shaved. The kids will love it. Make this present in market. Garfield crashed into room full of Ashton Kutcher's loyal guards who would fight in his name to the deaths. But Garfield was not afraid.

I heard there was parties, so I stopped by. Do not worry, I am polite guest. Here are some presents. Yay! Well, that's nice of you, Garfield. Quipped Garfield as she took out his desert eagles and fired at guard scum. Wait, that's not a good present.

My goodie bag will be your beating heart, Ashton Kutcher Jesus oh my god Garfield shouted with adrenaline pumping it sounded like that Garfield searched Ashton Kutcher's palace

mowing down guards wherever he saw with no mercy he then came upon doors to Ashton Kutcher's throne room, but it was sealed with evil power and locks. If the evil power is loose, the locks will surely be loose. Yeah, well, the evil power is probably okay,

but you need a backup. He's smart, given that. But Garfield blued open with ease like big, bad wolf blowing down straw houses. I am here for the Natalie Portman, if we're with ease like big bad wolf blowing down straw houses. Okay. I am here for the Natalie Portman if we're head on a stick. Garfield roared upon entering

Ashton Kutcher's throne. Covered with caramel! This Kutcher is delicious! Inside room, Garfield saw Natalie Portman chained in imprisonment and Ashton Kutcher sitting on throne. Ha, Garfield! I have been waiting for you. Not even you can be stopping me now. Ashton Kutcher cackled with evil.

Silence, you sultan of sin. Your time is ending near. Garfield never liked a lyric. Garfield responded with angry vocals. Oh, dear. Garfield, I had enough of your words. Time for fiery doom. Meet the dragon. Ashton Kutcher said as he whistled for his dragon. Ashton Kutcher's whistling four-headed dragon appeared with fire breathing

and roars. Why is the dragon a zombie? No, this is dragon noise now. I am dragon. Enjoy your just desserts. Ashton Kutcher cackled as he fled like a little girl.

He lifted his skirt up and just kind of ran away. I have to get back to me! Oh, am I still? Oh, no. Oh, no, this is the dragon. Michelle, you're the dragon. Who's the dragon? Oh, sorry. You're a dragon.

Haha, Garfield. I am hoping you brought your bib because I am going to be smoking you like a ham. Wait, what? Slowly. That is the scariest fucking dragon voice I've ever heard. Hi! Does this guy put on a lobster bib every time he goes out for a cigarette? Yes.

Growled the evil four-headed dragon. I have no time for dragon distraction. Fumed Garfield with frustration. All hope seemed to be in fire, but then familiar voice was heard by all.

Armacol! It was John Arbuckle flying in on Jetpack Raren for fighting! Who the fuck is John Arbuckle? Wow! He's Garfield's owner. Yeah. Wow! This dragon is in for a world of...

Do not worry. I will take care of this lizard. You must go after Ashton Kutcher. This fucking guy ups the ante every single time you need him to. And I don't expect him for that. Said John Arbuckle with support.

Thank you, John Arbuckle. You're my jetpack backup. Garfield said with gratitude. What does that even mean? Garfield went after Ashton Kutcher as John Arbuckle battled Dragon with Mystic Blade Okay Dragonboy

let's do this Garbuckle said as he drew his mystic katana Which Rush album would be perfect for this fanfic? Everyone Meanwhile Garfield was chasing down Ashton Kutcher

with justice on mind and in fist. He finally cornered Ashton Kutcher against Wall. You're at the end of your highway, and it is time to pay the toll, man, said Garfield with eyes glaring. Garfield, it is too late! Natalie Portman's soul is mine and my life will be immortal!

Ashton Kutcher declared with vile grin. Fool, your life is short, but my fist is forever. That's a fortune cookie. In bed.

And then, Garfield roared as he charged inner power to Max and sent fists flying at Ashton Kutcher at earthquake speed, making him supernova. I don't know how fast an earthquake is. I can't even parse that. What the fuck? Well, you see, his fists got a little power level that went to the red area.

And then he was an earthquake, and then he was also a sun. Yeah. Okay. Makes sense to me. What's your problem? No! Cried out Ashton Kutcher as a supernovad. All right.

Stog hit this line really hard because it's really good. Your career just exploded. Perfect. Beautiful. your career just exploded perfect beautiful quips Garfield cleverness that's not like a play on words or a pun of any kind

no no no the narrator said it was clever therefore it is clever thank you Garfield you saved me again No, no, no. The narrator said it was clever. Therefore, it is clever. Thank you, Garfield. You saved me again. Wait, this happened before. Natalie Portman with joyful words. Yeah, this happened before.

This is just a typical day. No problem, honey babes. I cannot stand seeing ladies kidnapped. Garfield said as he helped Natalie Portman up. Good work, Garfield. You saved day again. We just went over that. Said approaching voice. It was

John Arbuckle. He was holding dragon heads in his hands. Who wants some dragon heads? All four of them. No, there was three and he was juggling. Okay. He had a string of them around his neck. Yes, there was three and he was juggling. Okay. He had a string of them around his neck. It's a necklace.

Yes, John Arbuckle. I think it is time for celebration. Hey, everybody. We're going to get laid. Said Garfield in response. Yes, Garfield. You should perform our hit new song for Natalie Portman's music enjoyment. God, really?

What the hell? John Arbuckle suggested with good ideas as he took out his electric guitar for jamming. Wow. What? Holy shit! That's what I said! He fucking ups the ante every time.

This dude's amazing! See, up until now, we've only seen the Shakespeare side. Now we're getting to the Hemingway. Oh, yes. Now to Cuba. Going to rock out with Garfield. Oh, man. It's going to be set to Holy Diver.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes. Here's our new song. Lover Okay. Okay. Yes. Here's our new song. Lover and Fighter Man from album of same name. Old people with diseases should beware of dangerous rocking.

Said Garfield. As I took out his mic. Ready for rocking. That should replace a parental advisory sticker. John Bar Arbuckle began powerful chords of playing. for rocking. It should replace a parental advisory sticker. John Barbaco began powerful chords of playing while Garfield began to sing with mighty rocking voice.

I am real man, hard like steel. Always hungry for lasagna meal. Busting heads winning every fight. Need to see you naked tonight I am a lover and fighter man Not a loser and crier man.

Baby, bake me egg in a fryer pan. All right. Because I am a lover and fighter man. Guitar solo goes here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. The next two lines. I don't think we have to do all of this, but yeah my god. Wow. The next two lines.

I don't think we have to do all of this, but yeah. We need to do the next two lines. Every day I'm punching and kicking. When I come home, I want you for licking. Natalie poor little hairball. Wow. Honey, I'm

home. In front of me. Stupid dogs, their heads I crack. Ow. You want to rub my back. Ooh, that was good. I am a lover and fighter man. Yeah.

Not a loser and crier man. Yeah. Not loser and crier man. I want to spank you until you tan. That's not how tanning works. Because I am a lover and fighter man. Oh, no, you see, this is where the solo

goes. Yeah. John Arbuckle then began shredding like madman with guitar solo. Shouted John Arbuckle as flames and lightning burst out of his guitar. After amazing guitar

solo, Garfield began to sing again. Why is John Arbuckle singing? Garfield singing. Shut up. I want to hear more Garfield singing. Alright, fair enough.

I am the champ in the ring. In the bedroom, I am king. Bashing villains until they groan. Loving ladies until they groan laughing ladies until they moan laughing

oh my god I am a lover and fighter man not a loser and crier man laughing I will make you fly like Peter Pan. The peanut butter. Because I am a lover and fighter, man. Wow.

Yes. Yes. Now, be honest. Be honest. Who isn't wet out there? Man. I am in ways I didn't think I could be. Natalie Portman screamed and clapped in excitement at the rocking concert.

She ran to Garfield with love in her eyes. Garfield, you are a rock star stud muffin. But now I want you to play me like an electric guitar and make me well. Oh, my God. That was gross. Oh, no. That was fantastic. That was Academy Award nominee and winner Natalie Portman.

I like the idea of Natalie Portman saying all that and then turning away and saying, God, that was gross. I didn't want to say that. How would you turn into a giant black swan? and saying all that and then turning away and saying, God, that was gross. I didn't want to say that. How would you turn into a giant black squad? Do you grab her navel and just flick it back and forth? You grab her by the neck and then smash her onto the ground. Just picture Daniel

Aronofsky offset, no, it is part of your character. Go. Natalie Portman has said it with desire. Aronofsky offset. No, it is part of your character. Go. Natalie Portman has said with desire. Sure, thanks, Sugar Bites. I have a concert in my pants and you have first row tickets.

Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait. Oh, no! Just in case Stog's tone didn't quite describe it perfectly. Right. Garfield said with flirty words. Oh, that's flirting?

I'm singing like Matt Fagley. Face down, ass up! I'm flirting. Let us go on stage and make music. Said Natalie Portman, struggling for composure. I mean, I should have led Garfield to her bedroom. On stage? Wait, what?

Are they exhibitionists? Do they have a bed in a glass cage? Does that really make any less sense than any of the shit that preceded it? Well, just you wait. Just you wait. Oh, no, no. Natalie Portman went on her bed and embraced for love making.

Oh yeah. They rubbed each other with oil and perfume and touched each other all over. Their bodies then joined like peanut butter and jelly and gave delicious looks. All night long.

Oh no. Get a long. Oh no. Get a sex with a cat. Do the author's note. I don't think he has or taking this beautiful example of tender and passionate love making quite as seriously as it deserves. I like the author's note.

Congratulations to Natalie Portman for her pregnancies. Please be aware and do not let Ashton Kutcher kidnap your babies. Also, I am still single, so it is okay if you'd like to date me. I just imagine that this guy is a little bit like Lila or something. I imagine that this guy is actually a cat who writes fan fiction. Holy shit. You know, I gotta say, cartoon bestiality

wasn't the part of that story that made the least sense. That wasn't the bottom. It might have been the grossest part, though. guitar solo When there's lightning You know it always brings me down Cause it's free and I see that it's me Who's lost and never found

And there we go. Even by F plus standard, some of the strangest fan fiction we've ever read. John, what do you think we learned this week? I've learned that I love bad writing when it's written with a joy to it. Yeah? Both of these guys just write like they're horrible writers and they don't

know how to make a story. And the German guy obviously doesn't know English, but they just, they're having so much fun doing it. I can't help but enjoy it myself. It's absolutely true. They have so much enthusiasm in this subject and, and,

and, and both of them actually write by technical standards, a decent story. Like, there's actually, you know, there's an arc, there's conflict, there's resolution. Very, very technical standards. It's all absurd, but, you know, if you were to just by the numbers say what makes concise fiction, you know, and Hans doesn't let you get bored. You know, by the time you click the link You're almost done reading it

In the joy there's also a kind of sense An absurd sense too Like the summary for his Sailor Moon Sailor Moon must go sailing to the moon Of course Sailor Moon is going to sail to the moon What else would she do? It makes sense He does not let you down

Neither of these people let you down Anything you might be expecting to happen, well, it's probably not going to happen. It really is. And you, too, can have a great time by going to thefpl.us. That was a terrible segue, but I'm okay with it. And, yeah, leave comments on our stuff.

You know, do the Facebook if you feel like it or don't. But keep listening because we like it when you do. Yes. Thank you for listening. Have a good one. Be of the good night. With these words, Charlie Sheen went back to set for filming more episodes of Two and a Half Men for all to enjoy. Garfield and John Arbuckle were getting ready to head home when Garfield's phone began ringing. What was this? demanded Garfield with lightning energy. This is

President Obama I want you to come to the White House so I personally thank you for saving two and a half minutes. said President Obama on the phone. Oh my god it actually is Obama on the phone too. I can tell. Very well, we will go to White House for praise, said Garfield hanging up the phone. He just hung up on the President. Whatever. Click.

Click. President didn't save Natalie Portman. You're absolutely right. Or make sweet electric guitar love to her Fucking rip a man in half Who's eating that pussy? I'm eating that pussy Hey Garfield, this is President Obama I want you to make sweet love to me with your electric guitar

On the White House lawn There's the stinger