The F Plus - 44: How To Listen To A Podcast

Episode Date: April 18, 2011

While you probably couldn't tell it by this podcast, the internet is not entirely a place for weirdo fetishists to meet other weirdo fetishists and talk about Pokemon. I mean, yeah, that's a pretty big part of it. But there's also the often overlooked sector of the intenet which functions as an informational resource. We're already familiar with Wikipedia and IMDb, but there's also sites like WikiHow, a site which will teach you how to do ANYTHING! (as long as it's stupid) This week, The F Plus will be drinking during our 12 step program.

Hello, Lemon, uh, Podcast F+, Terrible Enthus- I believe you mean Terrible Things Read With Enthusiasm? Lemon, are you okay? Podcast F+, terrible enthusiasm. I believe you mean terrible things read with enthusiasm. Lemon, are you okay? I am. I'm sorry. I feel like I need to introduce people to the podcast because people right now are listening to the podcast, listening to my voice. I want to tell them hello. I do not know how to do that.

You want to do this, but let me guess. You don't know how. That's exactly what I'm saying, yes. Well, have you heard of the website called WikiHow? I most certainly have not, no. Well, let's go to it. Wow, look. It's a website that tells you how to do pretty much anything.

Especially if you're 14 years old and probably a preteen girl. I'm clicking random articles here, and I find all of these suggestions to be sort of facile. That's right. There's no end to the help you can get from WikiHow. No, I was saying it's not helpful at all, and it's kind of stupid. Well, now that you've read WikiHow, you know how to start a podcast, don't you? Oh, my God. Let's get to our readers.

In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. I learned how to live a double life. Bump Girl. I learned how to be like Barbie. Bunny Bread. I learned how to make ice cubes. There's eight steps with video. Jack Chick.

I learned how to... I learned how to say, I know you were joking, but that hurt my feelings, and I would really like it if you wouldn't joke around like that with me. Victor Laszlo? I learned how to clean the sheath of a horse. John? I learned how to pierce my own belly button at home. Jimmy Franks? Where am I? Who are you people?

And Lemon. Research your new religion. You can start out on the website, www.churchofsatan.com. This is where the party ends. I can't stand here listening to you and your racist friends. I know politics for you. But I feel like a hypocrite talking to you. And your racist friend.

Jimmy Franks. Yes, sir. I'm not going to name names, but I feel like somebody in this podcast is racist. I would like you to teach them how not to be. Okay. It's me, isn't it? I'm not saying who! Are you a racist?

Victor? Do you have thoughts about people of other races that you wish you didn't have? Sure, we all do. I'm glad I have them. Here are some suggestions for eradicating racist thoughts. One, self-assess. Think, why am I racist? Why do I want to quit?

I don't. If you can answer these questions, you can stop your racism. You've done more racism before. It's just as simple as that. I don't know why he kept writing. Number two, find the cause of your racism. Isn't that why am I racist?

The cause of racism can be anything, but it's usually growing up in a racist environment. Make sure you know if you are scared of that race, lack respect for them, feel uncomfortable, etc. Alright. Number three, research the topic. Do research on

racism or find help and support groups. Support groups? Like the KKK? When is this going to be how hard it is? Immediately and go find help elsewhere. No, no, it's and support groups. So they want you to hold up groups of people with your arms. Then you will become less racist.

He's assuming you're a really big racist. Find help, support groups. I respect black people now. Put another kid on me. Number four, realize what race is. Race is simply the color of the first layer of the skin caused by how close our relatives live to the direct center of the equator.

As opposed to the distant sun of, I don't know, Milwaukee. My parents live in Florida. Does that make me black? Race is not chosen. Recognize that race is considered a social construct by scientists. There's no definition that can be pinned

down. Just picture a guy in a white lab coat writing racism equals social construct on a big chalkboard. Any questions? Race is only on the top layer of skin. So if you're black and you chafe a little bit,

you become white? No, Asian. Oh, okay. That makes more sense. I read ahead. I'm sorry. That would have been weird. Number five, stop using racial slurs. Oh, but it's so hard. Instead of saying hey, I saw some filthy

star, star, star, star, star at the store, say hey, I saw some person at the store. That's a completely different thing. Instead of identifying someone based on their race, even in a benign way, use another description. Clothes, personality, job, etc.

But then you'd be a clothesist, or a jobist. Now that we've stopped saying racist things, we should be okay and the article's done, right? Right? Right? Number six. Oh, God. Number six. Think about how it feels

to be put down by a racist. If people were racist toward you, would you run away? Would you cry? Yes and yes. Would you, you little race-sensitive baby, wouldn't you? You're going to cry now, aren't you? Cry. Number seven.

Get into it. Racism? Get into racism. Get into non-racism. Get into racism. Yeah. Here's a concept I can get behind. Non-racism.

Spend time with people of different races. But I'm racist! It's really interesting. Different races, am I racist? Make friends with them. Try to understand how they feel about racism and how they view other races themselves or people of their own race.

If you think about something enough, you will eventually get sick of it and not care about race anymore. If you think about something enough, you will eventually get sick of it? So if I think about tits, for how long would that take exactly? There are exceptions.

I'm wondering if that was the tip that basically said, I have black friends. Be like me! Number eight. If you are scared of another race, you can begin your change on the internet. Really? Okay, let me go. 4chan.com.

Oh, wait, no. This doesn't change my opinion at all. Hey, look. Racist comment. I'm looking at every YouTube video ever made. Search around for people in that race talking about things you believe in. Maybe on YouTube. Hey, guys, posting on a forum. Are you black? Hey, guys, commenting on a YouTube video.

Okay, YouTube search, black racist. You can also start a chat with someone of another race, and that may decrease your anxiety. Wait, if you don't know beforehand, I mean... Anyone black in this chat room? Exactly. Get me. You must be playing on Xbox 360 games.

Remember that there are mean, dumb, vulgar people in every race. If you find yourself thinking only a blank person could do that, find a person in your race who does the same thing. You will find it is a human flaw, not a link to race at all. Well, I do hate black people, but Brian

is a cunt. Do you have any tips for me? Tips! All people are created equal. On the inside, people of different races are all the same. A person's skin color has nothing to do with what kind of person he will become or what choices he will make. Racism has existed for hundreds of years and will exist for hundreds. It's a turf war on a global scale.

Try reading the book To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee That's Alright It'll help you understand the different point of view of racial prejudice Read as many books like this as you can because fiction can have a great emotional

impact. The Harry Potter books also promote tolerance Oh yeah? The last bastion of tolerance Warning impact. The Harry Potter books also promote tolerance. Oh yeah? The last bastion of tolerance. Warning. Racism, like any bad habit, will be hard to break. Some racist friends and family members will not like the fact that you are trying to stop

being racist. You used the people's man. Joey, would you quit being so not racist all the time? God damn it. Funnybread, will you teach us how to stop staring at a girl's boobs? I don't know how to teach you how to stop. Time for you to learn as well, young man.

Why would I want to stop? Yeah, this is, I don't understand this. This is kind of like how to chop your dick off or something. I'd also like to point out that one of the contributors to this was David Crosby. Teach your children well. How to make a blacklight erupting volcano cake. How to stop staring at a girl's boobs by David Crosby and some other dipshits. Have you ever been in class or perhaps out at a party and out of the corner of your eye,

you notice a beautiful girl with large breasts? Well, not me, but some have. You gather up your courage to go talk to her but you can't keep your eyes off her breasts. Well, again, not... Okay, yeah. Step one. Make eye contact with her when you talk to her. It's polite and most

likely her face will have some attractive feature like maybe a face. She might have. Look at those tits. I guess that nose is fine. Step two. After you get past that whole tits aren't exactly located on her face thing, you can also talk to her about her shoes, earrings, and so forth.

But not too much now. Or she might think you're interested in something you really aren't. Like dick. Oh, I suppose that's the implication, isn't it? Yeah. I'm trying to spell it out for those that aren't really. You either stare at a woman's boobs or you like penis. Yeah.

That sounds about right. Three. Talk to her about anything. Anything. Movies, school, events, news, anything that at least partially distracts you from her breasts. Like, say say talk about some other girls tits so seen anything seen anything lately that isn't your breasts well i saw this movie once and oh god your tits are great

that was the name of the movie by the way oh god your tits are great i don't think number four is very helpful number four you may get an erection from looking too long at her breasts. How is that a step? That's not helpful. It's a step towards getting an erection. I thought that's what we were doing here. This is one of those steps that was, if you've made three steps forward, you may take a step back, but it's only just one step back. Don't worry.

There's a step five. We can get you through this again. Oh, thank God. Stay strong. It's part of the this again. Oh, thank God. Stay strong. It's part of the process. Maybe getting an erection. So step five is getting rid of my erection, right? Yes. I've learned. I'm pretty good at that.

We're still on step four here now. Victor, don't skip ahead, just because you think you're so smart. It's a different wiki. So try not to stare. This doesn't mean looking at another girl's breasts, mind you. They clarified. Question, question. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You in the back with the erection. Can I look at another girl's breasts instead? No, no, I'm sorry. Look, okay. And I get this question every time. So what am I supposed to look at? Talk about anything. Can anything be another girl's breasts?

That's kind of a toss-up. I'm not really sure. Hang on. No, no. I'm kidding. No. Hey, nice to meet you. How about the nipples on Monica?

Good God. Baloney nipples. How are your shoes and earrings? I see her wearing all them shoes Look at her face Look deep into her eyes That way you can see her soul's breasts That's better than looking at her shoes

Yep, it's true Women are real impressed when you walk up and stare at their feet while you talk to them It's good if you shuffle around and go They like mumbling too Yeah you talk to them. It's good if you shuffle around and go, oh, I'm sorry. They like mumbling, too. I heard that. Five. If you are sure she isn't looking,

take a quick glance at her breasts to relieve yourself. But now I'm back at step four. What? Start talking about her shoes again. Now, how's that erection feel? This just goes in a circle. But don't forget to look away when she turns back. We know.

They can be hypnotic. Learn to control your actions. Don't rip her shirt off. Yet. That's step seven. Six. Don't daydream about girls' breasts, especially if you were in class.

What the fuck? How the... Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? Why? Well, well... Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is an important sequential step here.

Shut up. Why shouldn't I do this? Yes, you in the back. Well, the teacher may call you out on it. No, it's because the teacher has read the next wiki article. Okay. We're not going to do the tips? No, we're going to do the tips.

We love tips of breasts. Now, make a vow to only stare at them a few minutes a day. Just a few. Make sure she's available to do this with you. It helps to have a partner. Make a blood vow. Yeah. And then lower the number of minutes each day.

The more you treat her respectfully, you increase your chances that she will show you her entire breasts. That's right! 80%! 90%! The less you want her tits. Now you'll get to disrespect her later.

The whole internet was written by one 13-year-old boy. You're welcome. With a thousand hairy palms. He has a lot of hands. Okay, the next article is called How to Be a Wizard. Some people, oh sorry, this was created

by Darkening and Torment, Ben Rubenstein, Martin P, and Ariba7. Some people love mythological wizards so much that they wish they were real. Others have convinced themselves that wizard lore is real. Let's face facts. Magic wands and wizards just don't

exist. On the other hand, there is a way you can be a wizard in reality. I'm actually asking what now. What the hell does that even mean? I think he'll get to that. But you can be a wizard.

Are you with me now? Magic wand is a euphemism, right? I'm ahead of you. That's how we're doing this. How to hide your magic wand while staring at a lady's abracadabras. I'm wearing my Harry Potter scarf right now. There's no magic or tricks involved. It's just an act of finding yourself

and your inner wisdom. Wiz, as in wizard, does mean wisdom in old English. Step one, drop all costumes. There goes my scarf. Now I'm naked. Then kick them around on the ground for a while.

Well, okay. Wizards in stories only wore robes because it was their common clothing, not because they needed them to be wizards. Wearing cloaks will only make you seem like a different person while you want to understand yourself. I don't really want to understand myself if I was wearing a wizard robe. I don't want to look too far in there.

Wicky Howe, what if I suck? Oh, well, then you've read this article. Good point. Wear what you usually wear all the time. That's a sentence. Wear what you usually wear all the time. Oh, that's the wrong wear. Sorry about that.

But he got it right the second time. That's the amazing part. To sum it up, unless long flowing robes are your style, and I hope they are, then don't go into costume. So Hugh Hefner's okay. Oh yeah, totally. That one guy from Plenty of Fish. Number two, become interested in wizard lore. The wizard craze didn't start with Harry Potter, you know, or even with Merlin and King Arthur.

It's interesting to see how the mythology began and how the stories have changed over the years. You can find this at your local library or Wikipedia. Same thing, really. Berlin and King Arthur slash. The wizard craze started before the 10th century? Yeah. Yeah. It's got staying power.

Just go to your local library or Wikipedia. They're not going to tell you here. It's a Wikipedia right down the street from you, Victor. Just go. Connect with life. If you study deep enough, you'll see that all plants and animals have something in common in their DNA. There is a really hard word to spell correctly. I wish there was an article about how to spell the right there.

Wizards are always hooked with nature in some way. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, baby. Feel close to nature in some way. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, baby. Feel close to nature in ways others don't. It's a caveat. This doesn't mean you should become a vegan and let ants infest your house, silly. Oh, right. No.

What? So let ants infest your house, but eat them. You don't have to be a vegan. Yeah, ants love tofu. You have tofu in your house, they're like, Just know that every living thing has more value than gold. Including the ants that park in your house. What about golden ants?

No, I think that's just a... Well, you're a wizard. Invent them. Oh, okay, I will. I'm a wizard, not an alchemist. Sharpen your mind. Wizards, both true and mythological, are known to be wise. Often we look at naturally

smart people with jealousy. The truth is, they weren't born with big brain capacity. They just knew how to be smart. How to be smart. They just know how to be smart. Not how to be smart. How to be smart. I hope that's an

adage. Smart people are organized and consistently practice what they've learned. For example, the reason that the teacher's pet, Jimmy, passed a spelling test was that he went over the words many times. He even had his mother

give him a pre-test. Another way to sharpen your mind is to learn random things. I'm only on point four. There are four more points. Jimmy's not quite a wizard yet. God damn it. Another way to sharpen your mind is to learn random things you're

curious about. You're curious what? Spell it away. Sorry, I'm not naturally smart. You're just jealous of the people who are. Like, Jimmy, fuck them! So the way to become a wizard is learn a whole bunch of shit about Star Wars. Don't just keep your mind fit, keep your body fit!

Even the most solid wizards in mythology weren't completely still. They had to stay healthy somehow! Wait, wait, wait, wait, what? That first sentence is amazing. Solid wizards. The most solid wizards in mythology weren't completely still. Okay, well, how should I become fit?

Oh, I'm very glad you asked. Okay. You don't necessarily have to intend to become... Okay, hold on, I can do this one. You don't necessarily have to intend to become a... Detend to become... Okay, hold on. I can do this one. You don't necessarily have to intend to become B in shape.

Oh, okay. Okay. You should have fun with it. Learn the unicycle. Or... Wait, wait. What if I don't have a unicycle? If you're missing,

or sprinkle some chopped up strawberries on frozen yogurt. There have been two Olympic events as far as this guy is concerned. Everyone inside of a TCBY is really skinny? There's freestyle unicycling or eating frozen yogurt.

Do the things you love and don't excess your muscles. That's not a real thing. Everybody knows that strawberries, when combined with frozen yogurt, creates anti-calories. Become a... Oh, sorry. September 6th. Become a whiz at

something. In some lore, wizards specialize in certain things. Are you good at drawing? Work to become great at it. It can be anything, even magic tricks. Magic tricks would be helpful if I want to be a wizard. That doesn't make any fucking sense. I'm a wizard at magic. I want to be a wizard that doesn't make any

fucking sense I am a masturbating wizard number seven try to have an interest in astronomy or astrology they're the same thing just combine them having an idea of what is happening in the universe is very

wizardly. A lot of force is in reading constellations and knowing what a star really is. That is what I think of when I think of a lot of force. I thought stars were balled up wizards. No, a star is something that identifies constellations. Makes your destiny

happen. something that um that identifies constellations makes your destiny happen oh uh and finally number eight try to sense things before anyone else does wizards know if something is about to happen there are two ways of sensing intuition and preparation okay with intuition you can feel and know in your heart that something is happening. It's a strong force, and it often can lead you the right way if you listen to it. Preparation is where you use facts and sometimes objects to figure out what is going on. Both intuition and preparation are strong forces, and if you use them together, they can be very powerful. Here's some tips.

Number one. be very powerful. Here's some tips. Number one, you may find more of a make the best of your life article as you lead on, and that is partially right. Okay. Those were some words.

You may not want to tell people that you are a true wizard, as you might get judged. On the other hand, it's your choice. Okay. Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. Oh, God, you're not a wizard, are you? Never mind, I have something else to tell you.

Tip number three. I would appreciate if you left a comment of your experiences after this article. That's a tip? That's a tip. Tip number four. You do not have to follow every last bit of this article. You don't have to follow any of it if you don't want to Oh Fuck

He's kind of passive aggressive And finally a warning, do not ever push yourself Too hard out of your limits You can hurt yourself I don't know Be a middle school Breaser Alright

This next one's for Bump Girl isn't it Yeah probably Be a middle school breezer. Alright. This next one's for Bump Girl, isn't it? Yeah, probably. How to get my husband to stop looking at porn. This article's accuracy is in doubt. Bear reference to see the discussion page. I said the notice is two and a half years old. He got distracted somehow.

Okay. First off, we need to introduce you to what porn is and can be. Porn can be a powerful tool that destroys intimacy in a marriage and over time can destroy a marriage. Or it can be a powerful tool that rebuilds sexual

intimacy and adds new excitement to a stagnant relationship. It can also be a relief for a couple who have a very differing sex drive. Accept it. If you have trouble accepting it, know why he is turning to it. Okay.

Wait, except what? Because you're an ugly whore. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay, he doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm an ugly whore, so if I want to get him to stop looking at porn because I think I'm not an ugly whore. Get uglier!

Wait. Yeah, because porn never contains ugly whores. Okay. Step one. Confront your own biases and assumptions and ask yourself why you have a problem with him viewing porn. Step two. Do anal.

I think that's step one. Step two, do anal. It's not that bad. Why are you so making a fuss? Think about yourself a little bit more and maybe, wait, no. Tell your husband how you feel and why. He likes to hear your innermost emotions all the time. You should tell him this for at least three hours solid. That's why he looks at porn.

Put aside all blame. It does say that. and focus on understanding honey honey i'm serious just will you listen i want to know why you like backdoor sluts 27 just talk to me i mean 1 through 26 was okay i can understand that step 2 understand your husband likely turns to porn because it is an easy way for him to take care of his sexual desires and needs. Bullshit. Well, what should he do instead then? Well, you should understand that some women appreciate their husbands using porn as a form of self-gratification because it allows intimacy between them to be based on romance and mutual desire

rather than the innate physical desire that we all have. Although not always at the same time. What? Okay. Those were words. Well, you see, what that means is that he doesn't have to fuck you because he can fuck his hand

while watching other women fuck each other and be fucked by men in three different ways. So you can just get flowers from him and look at him and really love each other instead of abasing yourselves with carnal sex in that one sentence. So the more we jerk off, the more likely we are to give flowers? Yes. QED. Here's your flowers.

I need to sit down. So. you should probably wash those off washable flowers only don't get over kids many couples compromise by setting a few nights a week for sex

alright Tuesday sex night no no no Wednesday sex night sex more than once a week for sex. Right. Tuesday, sex night. No, no, no, no. Wednesday, sex night. Sex more than once a week. Tuesday and Thursday. If in doubt, ask him and ask yourself how often you both honestly feel you need to have

sexual release. He may say daily. If he does, and this isn't realistic, work out something reasonable to both of you. Keep in mind your goal is to satisfy each other's needs, so you may need to compromise. I.e., just let him watch the porn. No, just let him fuck you when you don't feel like it. You can watch porn

if you want, but he'll fuck you. Regardless if it's going to be porn on the television, blank. Yeah, I'm sorry. How you react to it is up to you. Okay, so step three of how to get your husband to stop looking at porn is understand that some porn perverts or over-exaggerates normal healthy sexual acts. Yes.

There's also the bad porn. Yes. Just as many people enjoy watching action movies, this does not mean that they actually want on any level partaking the violence they see. So if he's watching porn, it doesn't mean he actually wants to have sex. Right. Why are you watching porn? No, no, no. I'm just reading this for the article.

I mean, watching it for the plot. Article. Either way, I'm jerking off. I'm jerking off for the article. You don't jerk off at action movies? Only Red Dawn. I said either way. If the point is watching sexual acts that are out of the ordinary allow for one to vicariously what would be out of the question in real life

therefore no matter how twisted his particular viewing fetish seems to be remember there is not necessarily anything wrong with either of you. If your sex life seems dull and reiterative, this may cause him to watch more than he would otherwise. If this brings you to tears, it's okay! Yay!

What? You're justified in getting emotional. In fact, it would be good to acknowledge and discuss your feelings. Let each other know you are committed and aim to empower each other sexually by letting him watch his fetish porn. It may be hard to do at this point,

let him watch his fetish porn, but you have to be committed to accepting human nature for what it is, watching fetish porn. If he agrees to watch his fetish porn, great! You're ready to start working on rebuilding intimacy by watching fetish porn together. Exactly. By acting out his fetishes.

Okay, so this is good. This lets me know that what you should do as a woman is to behave in as passive a manner as possible at all times. So now has he stopped watching porn? Well, if you aren't already, start kissing often. Not just little pecks, but deep kisses that last a long while. Kissing. That's why guys watch porn. If your husband's watching porn and you think to yourself, well, maybe it's because we never kiss. Maybe there's other problems at play here.

Let's go to number five. Let's go to number five. So number five. Go to the adult novelty store together. Can we kiss while we're there? Okay, because we're going to buy toys, right? A very good idea is viewing porn together. Well, now we've fixed the problem. No, you know what? This might work.

Because the first four steps are talk about your feelings. So if you... Every time he turns on porn, you sit down next to him and start talking about your feelings. Baby, come on! Never mind. I'm going to go out in the garage and hit myself with a hammer. This is definitely the best list.

Number six, get him a beer and a sandwich and shut the hell up about it. Well, you know, watching porn together might make what seems like a problem into a mutually enjoyable experience. Especially if you're doing it at an adult novelty store. Yeah, when life gives you

whores, make whore aid. No, because this is the only place you can get porn at the adult novelty store. Yeah, when life gives you whores, make whore aid. Note that there, because this is the only place you can get porn at the adult novelty store. However, there are probably a large percentage of porn, which you will not like if you are reading this. Yes, there are probably that large percentage. However, it does not fit all the stereotypes that mainstream society has. Some of it is his fetish porn from Step 3. Check out sex-positive stores such as Toys in Babeland

and Good Vibrations. Ask for recommendations for first-timers and or couples. You can also find recommendations from both these stores at their websites, Babeland.com and GoodVibes.com. Point five brought to you by GoodVibes.com. No, actually, in Toys and Babelands' case, ask the angry lesbian a question

and then she'll just glare at you for an hour. A whole hour? Yeah, that's a mutually enjoyable experience. That's glare porn. Yeah, but I can't do it for an hour. Step six. Once again, abandon this wikiHow

and consult a professional counsellor for God's sake. Find someone you can both agree on trying to do this on your own. It's going to be difficult and the counsellor is finally going to do it. That's not actually editing too much there because there are often bigger relationship and personal issues that need to come out. And finally, we're getting to the real problem.

What's point seven? A neutral party like a third woman with really big tits would be able to determine more if he's really into watching so much porn that it's an addiction or if you have an unreasonable fear of acting out your fetishes with your husband and that third woman with really large tits. That's not the real problem. Point seven is the real problem. Point seven, we finally found it. Yeah. Take care of your personal image. You're ugly.

Change everything about yourself. Yep. Be this ugly. Totally. It is very common that a husband may find changes in your appearance that are displeased. In most cases, this is a sensitive issue that couples face, but don't actually face because they rarely discuss it. End of wikiHow. So this may come as a surprise to everybody, but I checked the history page on this particular article, and it appears that all of the edits were made by men.

Yeah. Yeah So that means a man actually wrote in, if you aren't already, start kissing often, not just little pecs Yes Okay, just checking The next thing, Mr. Boothrain here is going to teach us all how to be a punk

I'm gonna teach you how to be a punk Yeah! Jack Chick Jack Chick's metal. Fucking metal. That's right. Stupid metal. Three fucking punks come to my goddamn shows.

I'm going to stomp them out. Yeah. White people fight! I'm going to stomp you first. My boots are bigger. All right. Well, here's what I have to say to you. If you're a fierce, driven individualist who has a bone to pick with a profit-driven world,

you might be a punk. Yeah! Oi, oi, oi! I'm not sure if Jeff Foxworthy's new routine is really going to work out for him. If you wear more leather than a cow, you might be a punk. Okay. Don't be a punk just because you think it's cool. A punk is a mindset, and you don't have to dress and look anything or conform to a name.

You could be a blue collar and be a punk. Yeah. Yeah. Purchasing hair products, the clothes and the music. That's buying into society, which is exactly what punk is against. Fucking sellout. So don't wear clothes or hair products and be a punk. I've already given up on those. So don't wear clothes or hair products and be a punk. So buying punk rock records,

not punk at all. That's anti-punk. You can be blue collar and be punk. You can have a regular job and join a union and totally be a punk. So know who you are. Know the reason for the culture and understand the meaning behind the word

It helps a lot when you just stop trying to be punk Because punk is just a label Be yourself and make sure you have a strong attitude That intimidates people So they know you're the shit And they don't mess with you Work out a lot because being punk isn't easy Sometimes you get into fights

But win or lose, who cares? As long as you're proud and defend yourself, pride is the greatest thing you can have. You can't be a part of X group of any sort at all. Not a gang. I like that this was written by horses forever. So punk is a

mindset, it's a mentality, it's a way of life, it's not a fashion statement, right? Is that right? Yeah. Okay, what's step one? Fashion. Of course it is. I have so much to say about fashion.

I can't say it all because I have a lot to say about it. Okay. That's how unimportant it is. But first of all, you have to realize it's what's inside that counts. It's the rowdy attitude and personality that makes a punk. However, many punks display this with their

styles. There are several options to do this. Mix and match. With punk, everything and anything goes. Just go your own way with your own unique look. I'm turning into a surfer. There's so many ways to dress punk as fuck, Barbie. DIY your clothes. Do it yourself, your clothes.

Do it yourself, your clothes. Get on me. This is a great way to avoid consuming. And it gets some unique styles. It helps if you're creative. Have some sewing skills. Everything goes. Do your thing.

I want to hear number five. Number five? Yeah. We can skip all the pants and zippers things. Okay. Wear a plain band T-shirt if you like. This will be perfectly acceptable for men. You can customize some of the shirts or jackets you buy,

maybe by cutting off the sleeves so it patches on, or just cutting the neckline or back differently. Cut the back of it. You don't need a back on your shirt. Just slash the back out? Yeah, cut the back out.

Sleeves and a front. So a band t-shirt? What band t-shirt should I wear? Well, if you wear a band t-shirt, make sure you know the band. Preferably without. Otherwise, you'll end up looking like a fool if someone tries to draw you into a conversation about the band.

In this situation, tell the truth. Don't attempt to bullshit your way out. DIY shirts are quite popular among the punk crowd, along with plaid or leopard print skirts, or anything with fishnets. You can stencil band names on your clothes for yourself. Make up a band name if you don't know any.

I just made that up myself. Sandpunk wearing a white Hanes beefy tee with Destroyer written on Sharpie across it. I'm punk. I'm totally into Mic 5. What should I do for shoes, though?

Number six, stay away from shoe brands. No punks ever wear brand name shoes. Or shoes in general. I remove the stitches and now the end is off my new balance shoes and they're just balance. That is a given, as commercialism and materialism are generally frowned upon by punks.

Popular choices for footwear among punks would be army surplus boots, Dr. Martens, which are on a brand, Converse, which are also not a brand. Note, Converse is now owned by Nike, which is also not a brand, and is boycotted by some punk scenes. And some skate shops, like Draven and T-U-K's, are acceptable. Remember that shoes can also lend clues to what type of punk you might identify with. Crust, glam punk, rockabilly, ska punk, straight edge, skinhead, skater punk, pop punk, goth punk, bubblegum punk. Most men's shoes would also be good for women, but the female gender can also include pumps, cowboy boots, and Mary Janes.

Since you will almost inevitably be walking a lot, find a pair that are comfortable and will last for at least a year. Fifth stores are a good place to buy cheap shoes, and you don't have to think about whether your money is going to a multinational corporation. Like Dr. Martin's. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Number 10, because it uses really great terminology that's not bullshit. Oh, yeah. I like how they advise using a faux hawk as a punk rock haircut.

Number seven, look like Morrissey. Punks love Morrissey. Yeah, we're really skating the fine line between douchebag and punk. Number ten, get some piercings. Get piercings and tattoos. Sorry, getting piercings and tattoos is another outlet that punks use to identify themselves.

You will see many punks with their ears gauged with rings. Not a real word! Gauged. Nope. They're gauged. They're gauging it up, dude. Often to quite large sizes.

Septum and lip piercings are predominant in most sexes. Most sexes? That says both sexes. Like four out of the five. That's right, both sexes. When you get a piercing, make sure that it accents the key features on your face or body. With tattoos, you will see a wide variety of images. A lot of punks support their favorite band logos or have spiderwebs on their elbows.

Please be aware that the UK at least spiderwebs on the elbows signify that you have been in prison. Straight edge punks sometimes have X's on each fist. Old school style tattoos, Sailor Jerry for example, are also very popular, especially for chest pieces and sleeves. Just remember, whatever tattoo you choose, it'll be there forever. Make sure that you choose something that reflects your personality, not just the current band that you like. The earlier point about band logo. What if I get a checkerboard sleeve on one arm? I don't see how that fits in.

Because you like checkers, doesn't it? Oh, sweet. Yeah, I'm hoping you like checkers. We're talking about Nixon's dog, right? Yes. You've got a dog Yakuza tattoo. That's the most punk rock thing I can think of.

All right. I've had enough about fashion, which is 70% of the article. And I'd like to go on to a couple tips. Not all punks hate the government. If you hate it, hate it for a reason.

And if you don't, don't pretend to. Respect your elders. You want to be really punk? Have a bake sale over at the Percy home If they deserve respect If someone comes up to you In a suit and a tie and tells you that they like your

Misfit shirt, be cool and ask them if they are A fan, for all you know they actually Saw them play live in the 70s when the punk scene First started, and they may have some Great war stories, or even better Some band suggestions you might never have heard of. Dumb punk is unattractive. Smart punk is brilliant.

Know your grammar, spelling, history, geography, etc. And you will bust some people's stereotypes of what punk is. Punk is an ever-growing, evolving community. Don't dumb yourself down for anyone. There are smart, cool punks everywhere. And if the first ones you meet are jerks, accept that jerks are everywhere.

Don't be slash act like them because they're a part of something that you want to be a part of. They represent the lowest common denominator of a greater whole, and better role models are out there. Be cool. Stay in school.

Be true to your school. Alright. Oh my god. The one that Victor put in is really good too. Victor, do you want to do that one? Alright. Can you do it like Vincent Price? Probably not.

How to live in a haunted house. You just moved in and now you have really bad feelings about the place. Chances are the place could be haunted. Oh no!

You may be frightened, but don't be. Reading this article can help you cope with the ghost's presence. Okay. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Sadly, step one is not.

There's no such thing as ghosts. Step one. Take a well-built guard dog like German Shepherd with you into the house. Don't take a poorly constructed one. Like a poodle. What? The reason?

Dogs easily detect the presence of the spirits. It will be daring to you also with the dog. What? Just one more time with that sentence, please. Just one more time. You heard me. No, I need it one more time with that sentence, please. Just one more time. You heard me. No, I need

it one more time, please. It will be daring to you also with the dog. Okay, good. The dog would have to... My apologies for the confusion, everybody. That's a movie title right there. Number two. Remind yourself that before you number two remind yourself that before you move

anything into the house walk through the entire place shit I'll take it number three wash your hands again wash your hands again doing this will give the ghosts a chance to scope you out and accept your presence in their home. Scope you out.

I was going to haunt him, but, you know, look at Adam. He's not that bad. Do you think it's haunted? Make sure to walk through the house before you move into the house that you've moved into. Let the ghosts know it's haunted, make sure to walk through the house before you move into the house that you've moved into. Let the ghost know it's you. Number four? Keep in mind

while moving furniture or other objects in, be alert for any feelings you may have about where an item should be placed. If you can make a ghost happy by placing a chair in a particular place, it could save you lots of trouble later on. Yay, chair in the living room!

Yay! Why do we have to get the retarded ghost? He keeps eating the crayons. The reference source for this article was apparently Beetlejuice. Number five. Try to relate to the ghost by talking about what life may have been like in the house, if it is an old house. And try to do something former residents would have done in the house while they lived there.

Like eating some meals in a formal dining room. Or listening to period music from the time the house was built. Or dying of the plague and owning a black person. Try to make the games feel at home by having lunch. Shit in the pot, then toss it out the window. pot and toss it out the window. Try to talk about big events that would have happened while past owners would have been living there.

For example, on October 29th of a year, try to talk about how past residents would have felt about the stock market crash in the beginning of the Great Depression. If the house was old enough. Why do you think they haunted in the first place? Great Depression. If the house is old enough. Why do you think they haunted in the first place?

Jesus. They killed themselves. You remember when that cow started the Chicago fire? Sure do. Wow, they were able to pluck voice straight from the radio waves, honey. Can you believe this? You have to talk about how those people felt

too. Well, I think it's really great that... I was so sad when... No. Oh, no. They may have been... Number seven? Number seven. Avoid the area the ghost is in if he or she

is in one particular place. Try using the room as a storage area and leave the ghost alone in, if he or she is in one particular place. Try using the room as a storage area and leave the ghost alone. Is it okay if I put my old red books in here? No! No, okay, fuck it. No, you cannot use the bathroom

and no, I cannot explain why. Just go in the chamber pot, damn it. And then talk about how great it was back then. He likes it that way. Number nine? Oh, I don't get to talk about the ghost talking to my dreams?

Number eight. Try to spend a night in the place. Just one. Some ghosts try to communicate with the living through dreams. Allowing the ghost to get its message to the living may put an end to the haunting and send the ghost on its way. Number nine, accept the ghost. While this may be difficult for some to do, most ghosts will leave you alone if you acknowledge their presence.

Now this one is just obviously written by the ghost who wants to kill you. Try and spend a night in the place. Have sex with your girlfriend in the place. Bring a knife that says please insert into back. Talk about the ghost's short story and how good it is.

Take up pottery. Play Unchained Melody on loop. Remember, if the ghost does something scary, let it know you are upset and that if such behavior continues, it will not be tolerated. Ghosts! I'm really mad at you! What you need to do is nip the back of the ghost's neck and let you know that you are the dominant one.

This is what they do in ghost packs. Keep a spray water bottle. Fire the alpha ghost. Tips? Fuck. I can't help you, scary. I'm a ghost. Tip number one is amazing.

Before doing big remodeling projects in a house, talk about it in advance so the resident ghosts know what is going to happen. Suddenly tearing down walls and changing a floor plan may make a happy ghost into an angry ghost. Are you a ghost mixed up with toddlers? Warnings. Never open yourself up completely

to any ghost, since you never know their true intentions. If the situation is too much for you to handle, seek professional help. That should have been step one. No, but professional help could be found

by following the related wiki hows. How to conduct a paranormal investigation. How to use dowsing or divining rods. How to report a UFO sighting. Or, worst case scenario, it's not a ghost. How to use dowsing or divining rods. How to report a UFO sighting. Or, worst case scenario, it's not a ghost, how to observe Bigfoot and report the Bigfoot sighting.

Oh, God. Oh. There are no accounts of Bigfoot attacking humans. Yes. Yet. We're talking about that monster truck, right? His name is Hyde. yet. We're talking about that monster truck, right? Hide! Due to the nature

of many people that enjoy playing practical jokes and staging hoaxes, do not shoot the creature. How to observe and report Bigfoot. Don't shoot him. It may not report Bigfoot. Don't shoot him. It may not be Bigfoot. All right. Bump Girl, if I could get you to read this article

and just read the introduction and points two and three. Why that picture makes me laugh so much. Me too. Only this loofah can dry my tears. It's soap. It's soap. I thought it was a handful of mashed potatoes. Put soap in her eye.

This article is called How to Deal with Girls Calling You a Slut. Ah, finally. You've obviously made some mistakes and the results are becoming too much for you. You're not alone. Many girls are going through the same sorts of things as you. Lots of them probably have it a lot worse.

Suck it up, bitch. No one deserves to go through this, and this will show you how to overcome it. Let damn haters hate! Yeah! All right, what are your tips? What you wear does not make you a slut. No matter what, it just doesn't. Even by society's standards, ask someone what they think a slut is.

Someone who sleeps around. Don't take anyone's shit for that. Okay, so what you wear does not matter. All right, number three. Avoid wearing revealing clothes. Wait a second. If you have low-cut shirts, little too little mini skirts, or anything of that nature, don't wear it. You're really putting yourself out there.

That's practically inviting people to say awful things about you. Wear clothes that flatter your figure, but don't make you look like a streetwalker. Look approachable. Being completely covered is not only more comfortable, but will improve your situation a lot. We also called you fat right there at the end. Jack, I got really good news for you. Here you go. This is yours. Oh, I was hoping I would

get to read about making money as a preteen girl. Nope, you get this one. How to remove a tattoo at home with salt. Have a bad tattoo? Realize your tattoo is really ugly and inappropriate? Uh-huh. Cheer up! Here's the solution

we all have been waiting for. Remove your tattoo at home. All you need is to be found in most homes. What? Alright. Okay. How's this work? Step one. Make sure you really want to remove the tattoo. Oh.

Remember, once you've started the treatment, you can't really go back. Two. Clean the area where the tattoo is located with unscented soap and dry with a hand towel. Do not use a bath towel. No. No. That's in the warning section. Three.

Go to the kitchen and find some salt. Do not get the salt from your basement what if I keep my salt in my bathroom no god no not bathroom salt what are you going to do use a god damn bath towel and go to the fucking bathroom to get your salt totally wrong

not even serious about this it can be any kind but rough sea salt may hurt a little step four take about two tablespoons of salt and put in a cup or something you can mix stuff in. Like a coconut. Or a shoe. Like a coconut.

Or my ass. Step five. Put just enough water in so the salt gets kind of clumpy. Make sure you mix well. Okay. That's a technical cooking term. Gets kind of clumpy. Kind of clumpy, yes.

Step six. Rub onto tattoo and let it dry. This may take quite a while. Okay. Ah! Oh, God! Step seven. Wash salt off after about two hours and let the skin dry.

Oh. Okay, God. Oh, God, that was horrible. Okay, that's a step. And how many steps do you have left? How many steps do you have left, Jack? Just one. Okay, is it the one that works? Uh, yes. Okay, alright.

Step eight. Repeat treatment until the tattoo is gone. For the rest of your life Yes Just keep fucking scrubbing salt into your back Do you have any tips on this? I do Tip 1 Don't be disappointed if it doesn't work to begin with

You have to be patient Tip 2 disappointed if it doesn't work to begin with. You have to be patient. Tip two, this method is a 100% reliable and effective. Much like my other wikiHow article, how to remove a tattoo through prayer. Yes. Tip three, works on color tattoos

too. Oh, thank God. I thought salt only worked on black ink. Yeah, I know, I know. Warnings. Sea salt may hurt your skin. Salt hurts if your skin is torn. Or punctured. Celebration when attempted

as a DIY project will most likely be painful and may leave large scars. Consider having it professionally done instead. Oh, have a professional throw salt water all over you Yes I am a face healer That's kinda clumpy salt

Thank you Okay That's water salt That's kitchen salt right there Here are the titles of some WikiHow articles that we were not able to get to, but are wonderful anyway. How to make low-calorie Faygo pop cake. How to wake up from the American dream. How to get into med school. How to pass the bar exam.

How to make Kraft macaroni and cheese. It takes a good break to box. Oh, damn it. I threw away the box. Okay. Hopefully there's somebody in it. Related article. How to prepare half a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Oh god, the box doesn't say! How to watch cartoons online. How to react after your wikiHow article has been deleted. How to mind your own business. How to choose a surfboard for your dog. Oh, finally.

How to encourage someone to reconsider expressing their sexual orientation. I'm sorry. Could you rethink that? Oh, come on, man. You should probably stop being so straight. How to watch a video on YouTube. All you 85- plus folk out there.

You're on wikiHow. Paraphrase that last one. How to be lazy. They didn't even bother to capitalize it. How to not be scared of being hit by a pitch in baseball. How to be very annoying, but not torturous. Oh, that's a delicate mix. How to make your

butt bigger. How to get a huge butt. How to get smaller butt and thighs without exercise. By the way, I just want to mention that I read that article, and it's exercise.

How to play extreme butt busters on a trampoline. I was wondering that. Well, I'm here for you. How to scratch your butt in Halo 3. How to moon someone. The essential eight steps. How to practice nudism in your room with no one knowing. So what are the other seven steps to mooning someone?

Oh, man. Step one is have pants on. Run away is two different steps to that one. How to do the rubber pencil trick. How to meet a porn star in your area. How to convince people that you were a tomboy.

Guys! How to put on a hat. I looked, by the way, and there is no related article how to take off a hat. Damn it! You're stuck with it. Shit, painted myself into a corner this time. Mostly, I'm really excited to hear about how You know all of these articles are grouped together And apparently mine is complete and utter

Incompetence As opposed to the others where How to meet a porn star in your area First things first you're gonna need a hat Yeah What the fuck do I do now How to do a wheelie on a shopping cart How to order a mealie on a shopping cart.

How to order a meal at the McDonald's drive-thru. Step one, learn how to count. Step two, Be drunk. And finally. How to stop eating chocolate all the time. You hear what I'm saying? Do you? You know who you are.

All the time. How to pretend to be a metrosexual when you're actually a girl. How to survive in federal prison how to raise a child how to cheat on Wii Sports boxing tip how to get rid of an unwanted erection come on you look this one up why would I not want an erection

because it makes your kilt look funny shut up how to dress with style and vavum after 40. I've been dressing with style, but not a lot of vavum. How to wear Abercrombie, but still be unique. How to pretend to watch American Idol. I just can't keep up with it, man. It goes too fast.

And finally, how to make your dad happy. By dressing with style and va-voom. Daddy. Step one, don't spend hours editing the F+. How to laugh in someone's face. How to listen to hardcore punk. How to watch Naruto. Number one, be a preteen.

How to become the president of something and make it look good on a college application. I'm president of the Watching Naruto Club. How to become a handbag designer. How to swear creatively. Point number three is try going for a while without swearing and then when your friend says something, randomly scream,

No shit! What? So what if he yells out shit and you decide to follow it up with no shit? Shit! No shit! What? So what if he yells out shit and you decide to follow it up with no shit? Shit! No shit! Also, if you're speaking to said person, the only word you can think of is a swear word. Ask them to pardon your

French first. Anyway, how to get a girl to hate you. How to get a boy to dance with you and then kiss you at the end. Middle school. Oh, yeah. The end of what? The end of middle school.

The end of dance. How to bag the girl of your dreams. First, you need an elephant gun. No diggity. Dig your nails. Hey! How to hate a guy you like.

What? How to hate a guy you like. Is there a how to like the guy you hate? I hope so. No, that's wrong. It's completely backwards. And finally, how to solve the bikini bottom problem. So where was that. Scientists have died.

How to breathe. Damn it. You know, I forgot how to breathe once and it was terrible. No, it will never happen again. Yes. How to recognize and treat guinea worm disease. How to recognize and prevent smallpox. How to recognize and treat monkey pox. A lot of poxes. How to not hear voices. La la la la, I can't hear you. can't hear you oh dear how to watch a movie

drunk there are at least two steps what's the first one don't worry guys I'm an expert how to chew gum how to become an atheist how to be an atheist,

how to be a liberal Muslim, how to look like a porn star. It's a logical progression from the past two. Step number one, ever try at speed? Well, you're gonna, how to appreciate rap music,

how to get over being blocked by someone you admire on Twitter. This did not happen to the writer. No, of course not. It just happened to a friend of the writer's. You wouldn't know him. He lives in Canada. Well, he saw the pain and therefore needed to write the article. Right. How to make money as a preteen girl.

How to pronounce st in English. Done. How to make magical instruments. Fake ones. How to practice abstinence. How to get your family to be naked. How to make a teddy bear your best friend.

Oh, gross. How to build a robot home. How to find your nerf roll. How to make a pet rock family. Step one, buy a pet rock. Step two, buy a pet rock. Step three, buy a pet rock Step two, buy a pet rock Step three, buy a pet rock

Step four Step four is build a house for the family Daddy Does step five live in the 70s? I don't understand And there we go The first of several WikiHow episodes John, what did you learn this week?

Everything Me too The website is always T-H-E-F-P-L dot U-S Good night Good night Good night Thank you, boys! How to ride on a dog.

Step one, never ride a dog!