The F Plus - 48: Weighted Companion Dudes

Episode Date: May 21, 2011

Nearly 50 episodes in, and it's time for The F Plus' first crossover. Lou Fernandez (of the Lou Reads podcast) is no stranger to terrible writing on the internet, but how will he respond when he's stuck in a room full of F Plus readers? Moreover, how will the F Plus readers respond to reading the okCupid profiles of the internet's most irritating nerds? The results shouldn't surprise you! This week, The F Plus looks at people who cannot possibly have sexually transmitted diseases.

Hey there, welcome to the F+, Terrible Things Read With Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm John. And, oh John, you seem despondent again why is that i i don't know it's just i'm trying to meet girls and sure right it's hard you know i mean well tell me your troubles you know i mean none of them are into larp even though i wear the costume there you'd think they'd they'd appreciate me sharing that with them. You can't find a maiden. Okay.

Any other problems? Well, you know, they don't like that my entire bed is made out of Dragonlance novels. Is it you just put a blanket over the novels? I know. I mean, if they're going to use it, you know, I'll lay an extra stack of the Dragonlance special edition. That's thoughtful of you. I'll lay an extra stack of the Dragonlance Special Edition. That's thoughtful of you.

So your problem is that you can't seem to find girls because you're just probably feeling a little bit too nerdy for them? Is that what you have here? Yeah, I guess you could say that. I don't know what brought on you calling me nerdy, but yeah. Well, John, I have... Oh, you know, I was about to say that I have help for you, but I don't have help. But what I do have is I have company.

Oh, okay. I want to introduce you to a site called OkCupid. OkCupid is one of several, several, many, many dating sites. However, they have two things. They have a blog that's really fun to read, and it's totally free to look at it. So we have signed up a, uh, a, uh, girl with an account, uh,

who has no details whatsoever, but she still has people trying to date her. Um, and, uh, and we have, we have looked for people in your same scenario. Um,

persons who, you know, maybe, maybe they like Star Wars just a little bit too much. And, uh, and then you can, I guess you can commiserate with them. Oh, okay, great.

I love commiserating. I'm good at it. Here, you go ahead and start the podcast. I'll see if I can find my foam sword under the Dragon Rising novels. All right, let's do that. greatest dream. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of being alone. In the room tonight, we have Jack Chick.

Books are everywhere in my house. Boots Reingear. I'm Boots Reingear. I like long walks on the beach, getting buried by children, getting sand kicked in my face. Nutshell Gulag. I am a kitty. Jimmy Franks. Keep pushing them pillows.

Bunny Brad. I'd like to get to know, then kill, then fuck you. John. I can paint pretty well. Special guest Lou Fernandez. When the searing light of truth rains down upon my soul, let it show the righteousness of my hatred crusade.

And Lemon. ASL? One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one. It's the loneliest number since the number one. I think we're going to do Blair Hippo. Jimmy Franks, if you want to take that one, please.

Oh, no. Oh, God, that's a face. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Hi billy mays with gout here uh blair hippo 38 male straight available somehow i'm a laid-back easygoing geek boy i'm not quite single computer nerd who really wishes OKC had some sort of filter out women who just want single dudes option in its search. I've been polyamorous since early 2009. Oh!

If you're not familiar with the term, the short version is I'm not monogamous, but do insist that both of my partners and my partner's partners know what's going on. If you're not familiar with the term polyamorous, it's people who aren't monogamous, but everyone else wishes they were. I'm a firm believer in it's not cheating if everybody knows and consents. My girlfriend, Keeper of Boots, agrees. As do her husband and other boyfriend. Oh! Gross! Oh, God. Boots is involved.

Oh, that's so gross. Wait, no. That's not... Yes, yes it is. Can you go on? No, that's the problem. No, I don't think that... Now, Boots, we agreed.

We swore a blood oath that we wouldn't say, hey, there's your profile, but I think this is skirting the line. Yeah. I can't believe you took this loophole. So if you need traditional monogamy, I'm not the guy you're looking for. Thanks for reading and best of luck to you. Still here?

Sweet. I'm a high-functioning geek. I get paid to make... No, that's not... Geek is not the word you should have used there. I'm a high-functioning geek. I get paid to make computers do useful stuff and tend to spend my free time playing a variety of video, board, and role-playing games.

Define useful stuff. Good TV and catchy movies. I used to be a writer. Never paid the bills that way, but several nice places paid for the privilege Of publishing my fiction And a number of complete strangers Said very complimentary things about it

Yeah, that's a nice poem Would you go away? I consciously try to be a half-full-glass kind of guy I got pretty good at it The internet said that my Pokemon stories were totally jerkable. I'm politically aware, though not that politically involved. I'm strongly left to center, but I do not believe that either I or any political philosophy have all the answers. I'm inclined to treat differences of opinion as conversation fodder rather than personal threats there's always something more i can learn and i'm usually

fine agreeing to disagree usually pontificating on the society corrupting evil of omg tech a's opposing abortion without being in favor of women getting easy access to reproductive health care not realizing the word socialists and fascist are mutually exclusive are all great ways to make me get the hell out of the conversation and go do something else. Oh, so if we were to drop a few words right here, then this would stop, right? So, in his life, he needs to get

the hell out of conversations, huh? I'm not perfect. And I know you're not perfect either, which is good. Perfection sounds fucking exhausting. This guy's fucking exhausting. He's perfect. No, no, he's just tedious. There's a difference. I'm looking for some combination

of friendship and sex, and I'm not too hung up on the details. If we wind up with a deep and committed emotional connection, awesome. I have room in my life for that. But if we simply like each other's company and occasionally spend an evening swapping orgasms, that's the way. Ugh, gross!

Relationships can take many forms. One for you, one for me, one for you, two! I'm not much interested in one-night stands. I'm fine with them in theory, but in practice, I find the whole thing to be too much effort for not enough reward. And if I just want to get off, the internet

awaits, and it is made of porn. Okay, if you would scroll down for a while and answer me what you spend a lot of time thinking about. I spend a lot of time thinking about, who am I?

Where am I going? Are there any changes I should be making in my life? Will the next Iron Man movie be any good without Jon Favreau at the helm? What is the most private thing you're willing to admit? What, other than the fact that I have multiple sex partners,

dig internet porn, and like running jokes involving piranhas. Ah, that's wacky and random. Check out the questions I've answered publicly. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. You. I can't believe this guy isn't

more taken than he already is. He had me at piranhas. That's taken. All right. We got a Jack Chick reading coming up next. Oh, do we? Blute Fatal, please tell us about yourself and what lies behind that gas mask of yours.

Wow, I'm pretty sure I know this guy. Myself summoner. I'm fucking awesome and I know it. Plus, I'm smarter and better than that guy you're currently dating because I'm that awesome. Also, Iconographic is my worthless witch-ass brother who pays for everything for me because I am missing my brain

because I lost it in a jar when I took a chainsaw to your car because I wanted to see it bleed. Really? Anything else about you that we should know? I'm already fucking you. I have a level 48 cross class assassin, blackguard, and D&D.

Come at me, bitches. Things I like. Burning people alive. Guru. Skinning animals while they are alive to make fur coats. Porn. Setting people on fire and watching them burn alive. Corpses.

I draw the line at corpses. I want to say this guy is a somewhat talented Pua because he did demonstrate higher value with talking about how high his D&D character is. Yeah, I mean, how high is your class, cross-class assassin Blackheart? Not nearly that high, you're right. What I'm doing with my life?

I'm playing Guild Wars a lot these days and Xbox Live. Whoa, get at me, bitches. I imagine you're good at a lot of things, Blute Fatal. I am. I will tell you about them. Yeah. I'm really good at shooting, Emma Crackshot, Emoticon, and being an ass, I'm great at'm great at that hating let's go on the list fur coats pop culture republic cunts sarah palin crystal palin any other inbland palin you

slash people little wayne if you like him then you need to go die in a trench all rap music same as above die trench blah blah blah my family at least unlike the rest of you hate patrol PS3 it sucks get over it PC and Xbox 360 Google again glitchers, government control, congress memes, lolcats

DC, UMD just about every state there is, New York is decent the current Sarah Palin, beck people who think i'm a nazi when i start singing in german and not well christianity and culture you george w bush jr only good bush is no bush am i right wow asexuals anti-communism. Third coat's E-T-C. He hates etc. He could not hate etc. So this is actually a good profile of who's still playing Counter-Strike these days.

Yes. There are six things that you could not do without, right? I don't know. Fuck books. I have 19 computers. It's pretty amazing. Yeah. The first people usually don't Okay, okay I have 19 computers is pretty amazing yeah okay okay yeah read that then

can I do the first things people usually notice about me the first things people usually notice about me my gas mask or what I'm doing like me licking a wall and what about me arguing with a tree all things I do on a daily basis my parents were divorced licking a wall and what about me arguing with a tree? All things I do on a daily basis.

Wacky. My parents are divorced, by the way. I didn't know you knew that. On his favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food, we're going to skip a lot of that and go right to books. Books!

Fuck books! I have 19 computers! Damn! Take that, books! Music! Also, I should add that he has two music entries. Second music entry. I hate 99.9% of all rap!

Wait, wait! In the previous paragraph, you hated all rap music. But suddenly you found the.1% of rap music. Well, he's grown since then. He's softened. Oh, that's true. That's true.

What a journey we've taken with Blute Fatal. Juggalos are idiots and useless, just like women. All screamo, hardcore, emo bullshit, slow stuff, you, R&B, et cetera, et cetera, E-T-C. And, and anything you like! Wait, I'm not music. So is he actually looking for women, or is this...

I really think this is part of his therapy. His court-ordered therapy. Okay. Next up is Fox Sazer. Lou, you want to take this guy? Yeah, look at me. Me and my glasses.

I know, look at me. I'm feeling very proud of myself today. If you roll over the close-up, which is even better. The close-up looks like he just stepped in something barefoot, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or something. He wrote his anniversary dinner.

Oh, God. All right. My name is Fox Sazer, 29, am straight, single, Valparaiso, Indiana. My self-summary. Hmm, what to write? Besides the fact that I'm single without covering stuff already covered below, I'm a lighthearted fellow. And I tend to be the guy who comes out with the jokes and weird references that people may not always get.

Yes, I'm a geek, and I admit it. Well, we can tell by looking at you. Well, I'm a listener more than a talker, unless I get started on something that really interests me. I tend not to be the one to start conversations, but instead I find

I prefer to jump in the middle of them and roll with it i interrupt other people a lot i can be somewhat indecisive at times if i don't feel strongly one way or the other about a subject in terms of life in general i just try to go with the flow ride the winds and see where they take me despite being a fan of all things hot blooded I just tend not to take the initiative so you're a fan of what mammals is that what you mean he's not a big fan though I mean he can go either way

his favorite books make me sad I can be a little I can be a bit absent minded when my brain gets going it jumps the rails so much between subjects you can lose the original train of thought. If I really get focused on something, I can sometimes forget little things too, like eating.

And then failing attempt at HTML line break. I think I was this guy when I was 16. I'm a gamer and a fan of Japanese media live action stuff, mostly nowadays. Though I do watch certain anime here and there, mostly older stuff.

Lately, I've been playing World of Warcraft, Second Life, and Super Robot Wars. I'm so surprised by you. Yeah, this is coming out of left field. I thought I knew you, Fox Caesar. And on weekends, I'm currently involved in alternating pen and paper RPGs, Warhammer 40K, and Shadow, and soon Shadowrun. This guy is a gigantic loser. I was expecting Dallas Cowboys, strip clubs. I don't really care.

Mixed martial arts. But it's mostly indifference on my part rather than an act of dislike. Because that would involve making a choice. Wrestling speaks a nerve. Don't know why, it just does. We know. I know a nerve it tweaks to. As to what I find attractive, a large part of it is personality.

A girl with a supermodel body but a personality I just can't get interested in would turn me off faster than a lightning bolt hitting a fuse box. Really, huge girls don't interest me either. I have to admit it, though. Well, while I'm admitting stuff, I'll admit that I'm a bit of a chest guy, too, though I care more about the fit body proportions than the pure size of the bustline.

I pity the women who purposely cause themselves massive back pain because they think it makes themselves look prettier. I also like long hair, Bracket BR backslash bracket. I am lighthearted, lonely, and shy. I like that he said oh, you know, personality matters more than how you look. That said,

no fat chicks and please have big tits. And long hair. If I had a chance at a supermodel, which is not ever going to happen and also this whole guy's profile should just be i'm light-hearted lonely and shy repeated about 50 times no i think the most private thing he's willing to admit should definitely stay on there too like that it likes boobs oh oh oh oh wait wait wait fox says or what is the first thing that people usually notice about you the first thing people usually notice about me never asked honestly so no idea no one has

ever spoken to me yeah i once ever noticed hide in the shadows and uh add my witticisms about their conversations but they never know where it's coming from. Okay. On a typical Friday night, what would you be doing? Where is that? Oh. On a typical Friday night, I am mostly sitting in, lounging around, and doing stuff at the computer. Typically, it's a computer game such as WoW, or sometimes I might be watching some Japanese show that I hadn't watched yet.

Okay. The immediate following section. The most private thing I'm willing to admit. I do consider myself other kin. Filling out the bingo card. Specifically dragon kin, though it doesn't really have any impact on my day-to-day life. It's just kind of there like my elbow or having red hair.

And despite what one might think, it doesn't conflict with any of my sidebar answers. I'm an elder, Kim, but it's not really a big deal. Yeah. It doesn't conflict with him being a cancer. Dragon Vore, that's really where it would be the next step. That would be hot i mean um i am tired of the fucking sausage fest that we've been reading here this is ridiculous we need some we need some ladies in here we need some hot pussy action that being dark wolves 23

well this is a male it just looks too pretty to be male. That's the only question. Oh, that's male! Yeah. No shit. Hi, I'm Darkwolf 23. Hi, Darkwolf 23. Hi, Darkwolf 23. I'm 23 in an open marriage. I play video games and tabletop RPGs. Okay, here's another one.

I smoke a hookah most of the time. Most of the time. At all times. He's got a backpack. I run various games on Thursday nights. Also, I'm not online. I'm doing this on my droid. Take that, computers.

That's online. Fuck computers. I have 19 books. I haven't been online in three years. Also, I smoke pot on occasion. You don't say. I've been on a comic book kick.

You don't say. That's a nice brief summary there, Dark Wolf. Did I mention that I smoke pot? What? Well, you probably want to know what I'm doing with my life.

Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking for a job. Sign me up. Other than, wrong than that, I'm just hanging out with free-ins and gaming. I'm really good at being a storyteller and DM. There's little jobs for DMs. Other than that, I'm not sure.

I'm an okay artist and I mix a good drink. I can't think of anything else. I'm sorry for stumping you. I'm sorry to run into you, Dark Wolf. I mean, just describe yourself. What do people normally notice about you? Usually the first thing people notice about me is my long hair and my sense of humor. I'm a really friendly person who is generally nonjudgmental.

Nonjudgmental? Do you have any reason to be nonjudgmental? When aren't you nonjudgmental? When stupid people are around oh that's fair uh specific situations uh i have a i have a very specific question which is that what uh dark wolf what do you spend your time thinking about oh i i spend my time thinking about stuff i really just think about things different things usually i just daydream what was i saying not a whole lot you were saying what you were doing on a friday night oh yeah yeah sitting on my ass at home,

smoking my hookah. I'm kind of boring. Oh, bish bosh. Thursday is my busy night. I'm running two RPGs, Vampire of the Masquerade and Werewolf of the Wild West. I believe it is the Masquerade. Sorry.

You just got nerded. Sorry. That is subject to change though but do you have anything private you want to admit to us um I don't know I'm an open book just ask I just did I guess the fact that I'm a furry

oh yeah oh I'm doing help. Oh! Yeah! Oh, I'm doing creepy things. How about you're not some creepy motherfucker? Not the creepy kind. Oh, okay. Also, I smoke pot rarely

and I'm married. Rarely? You know it's rarely because he capitalized it. Smoking pot is clearly something very, private to him that's why he has it in the first like blurb that's why he chose that photo yeah so he's in an open marriage yeah that probably just means his wife fucks with the dudes i wanna or she's hoping that somebody else will snap up this fabulous prize. His wife probably comes through the living room while he's playing Vampire the Masquerade and drags her boyfriend into the bedroom.

And then she's like, that's my wife. Just roll the dice, guys. All right. Wait, wait. It's me, Darkwolf23. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you, Darkwolf. I forgot to tell you what my education is. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you, Darkwolf. Do you have anything else to say?

I forgot to tell you what my education is. Okay, what's your education? I graduated from space camp. What about your religious convictions? Other and somewhat serious about it. Okay, other. See, I'm other too, but I'm not practicing. All right, we are moving on to God's Son.

John, take God's Son, please. My name's God's Son. I'm 25, I'm male, I'm straight, I'm single. I'm from Heath, Ohio. I'm myself, Summery. I'm interested in mixed martial arts and fighting. Fedor Emelianchiano is my hero. I like to play video games, work on computers, hang out with friends, lift weights, and swim YMCA.

eBay buying and selling. I'm a big animal lover. I like all kinds of birds and want to get a parrot someday. I've got four parakeets. My favorite TV shows are Lie to Me, House MD, The Ultimate Fighter, Pawn Stars. Yeah, all right. I have three tattoos.

Chinese letters for skilled fighters or skilled martial artists i still feel i haven't earned it but working on that celtic cross tribal yin yang i do plan on getting a few more tattoos i've definitely got space i'm more of a chill and hangout type than then a real party person but don't get me wrong i do like to have fun always looking for new friends. Also, I believe I'm an introvert, so I like to spend most of my time at home relaxing, spending time with family and friends. His family and friends are the UFC, World of Warcraft, StarCraft II,

Pawn Stars, Vader, Millionaire, and Bodybuilding.com. Yeah, linking to all of those things in case there are straight women in their mid-twenties. No, no, no. Ooh, is there somebody that's interested in Pawn Stars and World of Warcraft? No, you misunderstand. Those are all my friends. Now, am I getting it wrong

or you don't like to have fun? You want to know what I'm doing with my life? Yeah, I do. Besides trying to find my queen, i'm bodybuilding losing weight wait i think that's my brain just locked up on a paradox okay i'm back always learning new things computer repair psychology mma and cage fighting ebay overall just happy with what i got in life it's all of it okay happier almost every. What are you really good at? I'm really good at fighting, working on computers, quick fixes,

McGuire, FTW, eBay, video games, leading when needed, arguing and negotiating, trading, selling, dealing. Yeah, I can hustle. I used to be good at kissing, but it's been too long. I'm really good at leading as long as somebody asks me to. You forget how to kiss if you don't use it enough. Okay, if I'm to understand, you're making an effort to lose some weight. Tell me about your favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food. Thank you.

I'm glad you asked me that. I can listen to almost any kind of music. It really depends on my mood. Action movies, fast food, Italian, Mexican, Taco Bell, home-cooked food. I just don't care for veggies, but I try to eat them anyway. By the way, the lettuce on top of the taco counts. He's going for the Fatkins diet. I do the Atkins diet, except I also eat carbs.

Holy shit. Shit, God, son. Tell me what your zodiac sign is. Let me think about it. I forget. It's on the right. Oh, now I remember. It's cancer, and it's fun to think about.

It applies to both the crab and my tumor. Okay, so what are you doing on a typical Friday night? Well, on a typical Friday night I am relaxing after running errands Like, I'm running my friend Aaron A-A-R-O-N He knows multiple boys named Aaron Aaron Sorkin

Oh, he runs them all, baby And paying bills But other than that, not much So help me get some more action in my life Hee hee. Smiley face. It takes you all day to pay bills? Well, I mean, after running errands, of course.

Don't get me wrong. Yo, errand runs a long way. I got to run them all day, man. I think I want to message you, but should I message you? Do you have any sort of credentials? Do you know what? You should message me if we want to have the same interest and personality or you're

just curious and want to talk. Also, don't pass me up because I'm a big guy. I'm working on it. I can make up for it in other areas. Tonguey face. Tonguey face. Oh. I can't even imagine what those other areas would be. He's talking about cunnilingus.

By the way, yes. By the way, if it was too subtle, the tonguey face and the other areas went together. It's a metaphor. Jimmy Franks, I think this might be the biggest asshole in the entire selection here. So this is MC8Bit. Sideburn Goldbloom is really happy. Yes, he is. MC8Bit, 28, male, straight C, someone, Rojo Booth Beach, Delaware.

My self-summary. I'm an artistic person at heart. I enjoy good people and good conversation, preferably outside. I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, and that gets me in trouble. I'm really good at saying things wrong or at the inappropriate time. I'm very klutzy. I often can't stop talking even when I know I'm being annoying, especially while drunk. Stop talking!

Stop talking, you drunk asshole! I love a bonfire in the country and a walk in the city. I find it amazing that I exist sometimes. I play video games a lot. Some people have told me that video games are unrewarding and at the end you've done nothing productive. I want to keep people who tell me that. Have you ever been beaten Super Mario Bros. on NES in under seven minutes?

Now that's productive. I think I could play the original Super Mario Bros. my fault and be fine. I'm easily distracted by shiny metal objects. Every once in a while I write half a book or a movie script and never finish it. I've done this about 20 times in my life. I wish I could be someone creative to help me organize myself better.

Every time I try to do cocaine at a party, this guy's always around me. I'm an organ donor. Want my heart to eat? Like cartoon silly. Sometimes I just want to yell nonsense from the top of my lungs at anyone who will listen

I often yell things at people on the sidewalk while I'm in a car Sometimes it scares the person I'm riding with more than the person on the street I really like to laugh and I almost wish I was a stand-up comic But I'm not that funny, unfortunately Sometimes people tell me I look Jewish and that I act gay I'm neither, I'm mostly Scottish and a bit Native American I secretly wish it was the other way around But I love being Scottish

I'm fairly flirtatious And if I feel comfortable with you and your lady that I may flirt and or tease you. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, let me know and I'll stop. I'll do a good back and forth flirt session though. What are you really good at? I mean, other than Frank. I'm really good at being mediocre at everything. Seriously though, I'm a good enough cook.

I'm awesome at remembering useless trivia. I can drink like a fish. I'm also really good at just outright disappearing on people. Ninja vanish! Oh, God. Oh, good, he's gone. I've wandered away from people all my life. Damn it!

No! Video games, memorizing numbers, walking up to bus stops, just in time to see the bus pull away. MC, you know that thing you do when you disappear? You're really good at that. You should practice that more. Do that all the time. Let's play a quiet game, MC 8-Bit.

So what's the first thing people usually notice about you? First thing people usually notice about me, I'm a goofy-looking nerd. I can be very shy or very outgoing at the drop of a hat, so my personality is a bit different. I usually match my shoes to my shirt to my hat, so I usually look pretty fresh. People tell me I look like I'm Jewish. I have bad posture too.

Get in with the Jewish. Anything else you'd like to know? Yeah, what is the most private thing that you're willing to admit with us? The most private thing I'm willing to admit? I absolutely despise cotton balls and SpaghettiOs. Like, it goes far beyond simple dislike. It's a hatred that borders on fear. Once an old roommate stuffed all my pants

pockets, shoes, and socks with cotton balls, I had to call out a horde because I couldn't get dressed because of all the cotton balls. Is it, like, cotton balls and SpaghettiOs mixed together? I could see that being a problem. He's afraid of it, though. This guy is workier than five Junos taped

to I Heart Huckabees. Alright, lastly, McCateBit. What are you doing with your life? I would like to tell you what I spend some time thinking about. I spend a lot of time thinking about weasels because they're crafty. They're like rats, but longer.

Ever gotten attacked by a ferret? They're a type of weasel, and they know what they're doing. Crafty little bastards stealing all my shiny metal objects. I have plans in my head to build a weasel defense grid around my house to keep them out. I'm just afraid one of the six cats and dogs I live with will accidentally get targeted by the surface. The weasel missiles are the laser grant. I no longer give a shit what you do with your life. You asked him. Yeah, this guy definitely owns a hamburger phone.

Do you want to know what I'm doing with my life? I'm a nerdcore rapper. First, everything else. Second, nerdcore hip-hop is a subgenre of hip-hop music made by nerds for nerds. It's generally the most misogynist, violent, and drug-fueled, the most rap hip-hop these days. RhymeTorrents.org is a good site to go to for nerdcore. I'm starting to play shows now and would love to do my rapping in your local city. So now you know

what happens if you go to a nerdcore hip-hop show. A million of these guys talk to you. Hi, I'm BVegas1992. I'm 28 miles straight, of course. Available. So anyway, it's my self-thumbra. Hang on to your dicks.

I am a penis and a grunt, but I love to act like an idiot for fun. I tend to embarrass friends in public and have a serious case of verbal diarrhea. It's not just verbal. That's a problem. I enjoy being around people with unique or dark senses of humor. I enjoy having good times, good fun, and good food. To dig a little deeper, I spent eight years in the army as an

engineer, building shit and blowing stuff up, all while toting a machine gun in the occasional Listerine bottle filled with Jack. Oh, man. I'm a combat vet, and I openly admit to making dead people with no remorse. Don't try to kill me, and I won't kill you.

Well, bullshit. Panties have dropped. Don't try to kill me and I won't kill you, civil rights. Well, bullshit. Panties have dropped. Paragraph one. I'm a murderer. Eh?

Eh? So, anywhoodle, I worked as a manager for a drugstore for six years while doing the army up until they decided to terminate me for utilizing free speech, or as they like to call it, killing innocent people. Fuckers on the bright side. Fuckers on the bright side. Our new up-to-positivity rap group.

Fuckers on the bright side. The guy who canned me now looks like he's in the final stages of AIDS. Ha ha! So hopefully he'll be dead soon. Oh my god. Holy fucking shit. Right now, I'm an

independent contractor, which is short for the economy is shit. And I needed work so I took a job working for myself. Contracts are coming in slow because they're coming in from myself. I hired myself for things. But hopefully after the new year, I'll get more.

If there's not always gay porn, I guess. Wait, did I slip out? It's not gay if you're doing the fucking getting blown. Is it? Are you running for the most sociopathic subject on F plus Olympics?

Give me time. I am basically am a fun-loving person that just needs some extra sexual attention every now and then, and some good friends. Perhaps there's some people in PAW who share my hobbies as a gamer or enjoy building shit. We like making shit piles and shit castles.

I have no idea. What? I'm sorry, what? Or killing people. Yeah, well, we build people castles as well. I have no idea what there is to do here. All I do know is I hated when people would ask me about sports.

I hate it even more now when people ask me about hunting. What the fuck? Do people just walk up to him at all times and say, hey, how about sports? Or hunting. Or hunting. Or hunting. Well, since he's always walking around with a gun, they just take your pick.

Yeah. If it doesn't talk or try to kill me, I let it live. Well, for the most part. You win this time, tree. Paw does seem to have a lot of woods and lakes to check out. And there's some rafting so that's nice but there's none of that great salt air like i get back in new where i'm from yes i don't pronounce my r's so you're an asian yes that's all that's a well and good can i just get like just do a few

qualitative descriptions to summarize all that? Hang on here. The last five words of the... Yeah, okay. That's what I thought. I am arrogant, cockney without an N, and immature. Well, ladies, if that doesn't get it going for you, I don't know what to say. I don't know. Are you good at anything?

Well, I think I'm pretty good at a few things. I'm really good at embarrassing friends in public. Yep, yep. Didn't see what to say. I don't know. Are you good at anything? Well, I think I'm pretty good at a few things. I'm really good at embarrassing friends in public. Yep, yep. Didn't see that one coming. Doing the deed. And teasing yourself. Doing the deed, a.k.a. sex. Oh, I get it.

Or going to the bathroom. I can combine the two. Thank you. Eating. Making vulgar, sexual, racial racial sexist jokes listening making something nothing visualizing others ideas sweating and field stripping weapons for cleaning uh oh let's see here oh the first thing people usually notice about me are well nothing i'm completely not a script i'm your average guy. There's nothing

about me. Oh, wait, the machine guns and the skulls and the... Okay, yeah. I have a question actually. Is there some way that we could manage to collectively date this guy simultaneously? Because, I mean, he seems like too much man for any one of us to you know, but if we combine

maybe we'd be good enough all right be vague it's 1982 you know we we know that you like racist jokes and sexist jokes and that you like and that your favorite movies are all the rambos um let's not forget and they notice his wang and also his huge ass and mantids but I want to get a little more private here

what's the most private thing that's to us I like lesbian porn I'd probably fuck a post-op tranny if she looked right sounded and acted right or not it's the interweb I can say whatever I want because I'm shielded by my comp internet shield it and acted right or not. It's the interweb. I can say whatever I want because I'm shielded by my comp. Way.

Internet shield. But you're trying to be real people. Okay, never mind. I think I should message you. Is there anything you want to tell me before I message you? Well, here's what you should know. You should message me if you'd like to screw and hang out or to hang out without screwing. Wow.

What a strange way of saying that. Of course, I'm open to people who just like to chat for fun, boredom, or other. I love other. Just be prepared to read some fucked up shit. Oh, and any gamers out there. If you read this far, congrats. I'm not as much of an arrogant

prick as I made myself out to be in this item. Wow, okay. message me if you're just a fun-loving criminal that likes to fuck with people too and killing them man the only thing this profile was missing was i really like catcher on the rye and i really wonder what jody foster thinks of me okay uh i'm going to go to read the next thing uh this is code cat i want to start my profile by quoting from a video game called portal um i'm not going to read that part because that would make me sad if i had to read video game quotes so just know that in the beginning here is some quotes from Portal. No, you will not accept me as a companion cube. Is it because companion cubes cannot speak? Perhaps they are just lost in deep thought while the world goes on without a day-to-day routine.

Or is it because I can speak and now these words make a beautiful line? Regardless, I'm still here, alone and compassionless. I like you. Regardless, I'm still here alone and compassionless. I like you. Yes, you. To be my companion. Will you disregard my advice? Oh my god. I hate this guy already.

And here's my website which you should go to. Which, another episode later. Anyway, what I'm doing with my life. Typing in a colon and then a three after it. We've all been there. Go get it. I am in your computer deleting your memmies.

Oh, God, my memmies. I lurk, therefore I am. There is no do or do not. There is only troll. Damn. Oh,, brother. Do you guys think this guy's a nerd? Well, we'll see.

Okay. Yeah, jury's still out. We've had a toss-up so far. Hey, Code Cat. I mean, you're good at wooing us with the written word. Do you speak any languages? Do I speak any languages? Do I speak any languages? Yes, yes.

Yes, I speak English fluently. I speak Chinese fluently. And I speak C double plus. Okay. I thought that was a C double plus accent. What are the six things you could never do without? I don't know. I really want to know.

Because there's a bunch of movie reviews that I've apparently put movie reviews in my dating profile. There's Wikipedia entry links. Good lord. Okay. Okay, so the six things I could never do without. Number one, earth. Number two, fire.

Number three, wind. Oh, fucking Christ. Number five, hearts. Number six, green mullet. Oh. Why am I not fucking you? What do you spend a lot of time thinking about? Aperture science and cake.

Artificial intelligence based on rootless graph connected by pointers that have categoric labels from data in other locations on the same graph organized by a thread heap and real-time generated decision tree. These trees themselves don't contain any data, but rather certain pointers to locations in the rootless graph and they are built from genetic functions. Oh god, baby, bend over that couch.

It's just awful. Now ask me about the most private thing I'm willing to admit. Under the assumption we want to know more shit about you. Please, tell us private stuff. Okay, the most private thing I'm willing to admit is a colon and a three after it. Okay, that's also what you've been doing with your life,

but I'm glad you shared that. Okay, so you should message me if you like to play video games, and like to watch anime, and you like nerds forward slash geeks. And you have a good sense of humor, i.e. quoting Portal over and over again.

And you are well versed on Memes, or however that's pronounced. I'm sure I code cat know, but... This is your test. That's your wacky way of pronouncing it. And you want someone to geek out with on subjects above. A friend option for the following activities. If you have random weekend lunch dinners, or random weekend movies,

action sci-fi fantasy, or random weekend game binge. I have all of the systems. Okay, thanks, bye, colon three. Ooh, that's a pretty private way to end the... Okay. To his favor, if you're going to base your whole life around something, why not a two-hour video game?

This guy is, in fact, a sad human being, but he is comparatively less horrible than previous entries. Lou, if you want to take Dr. Jalapeno here. Dr. Jalapeno. Yeah. He doesn't have an N. Jalapeno.

Yeah. Dr. Jalapeno. Okay. This is Hi, everybody. I'm Dr. Jalapeno. 33, male, straight, single, Alto Hi, everybody. I'm Dr. Jalopano. 33, male, straight, single, Altoona, Pennsylvania. My self-summary.

She's my cousin's wife's sister's, and she's a lesbian. She is a doll. I don't think anyone in the world doesn't like her. Here's my lesbian sister. I believe he's referring to the woman in his profile picture who's kissing him. Oh, no. He's wearing eye shadow. That could be him, the lesbian sister. I believe he's referring to the woman in his profile picture who's kissing him. Oh, he's wearing eye shadow. That could be him, the lesbian sister.

His profile photo is him being kissed on the face by a woman. Presumably that's the only time that he's ever combed his hair in his life. And he was like, well, fuck, I got to use that picture. I guess I'll have to explain why I used it. I should also let you know I have the Makes Me Laugh Award and the Shroud of Mystery Award here on OKCupid. So what do you want to know? There's lots of fun things about me. Oh, yeah.

And online dating is a joke. Just putting it out there. No way. No wait. Dating is a joke. That is closer to the truth. Lol. Newsflash.

Chances are you're not good enough for me. LMFAO. Great. Well, I've been turned down already so fuck it tell me more all right so could you tell me what you're doing with my life and please try not to sound like a motivational poster all right what i'm doing with my life trying to make the best out of it enjoy life and enjoy life no matter what happens damn it never mind try to be around open minded non-judgmental intelligent people who are not shallow the internet is full of the opposite of those types sadly trying to have a good time with whatever and keep busy i'm really good at what i'm really let me tell you what i'm really good at oh yeah i'm really

good at filling out stupid boxes on site like okay cupupid about what I'm really good at okay not really no no you clearly aren't you're terrible at that I can paint pretty well I can make people laugh hey Pam not not crosswords not crossword puzzles sadly no you can't make crossword puzzles laugh. I'm a great cook. Shave it with a straight razor. As you can see by my terrible ass face mustache beard combo. Okay, so what are the six things you could never do without? If you wanted to ask me the six things I could never do without, I'd tell you. Coffee.

Iced tea. Laughing. My motorcycle. All my friends. Cheese. Sleep. Converse sneakers. Is that six?

I lost count. Good music. Good movies. Papers. Freedom. Choice. A good cheese steak sandwich. Free refills.

Are you reading all this constant learning the internet the wind in my hair the sun on my face roof over my head good conversation self-expression me time are you getting bored reading yet

yes this is so wacky and the last, but not least, a good exit strategy. Right, for all of the major corporations

that he's fanning of. Yeah. So, Dr. Jalapeno, what do you do on a typical Friday night? He won't answer you

unless you pronounce his name right. No, thank you. Jalapeno. It's Jalapeno. Jalapeno. He won't answer you unless you pronounce his name Thank you Jalapeno It's Jalapeno On a typical Friday night Lately I'm in bed pretty early

It's Friday right now And I'm sitting here watching old movies and surfing the internet I'm such a party animal not Okay should I message you? I'm not sure if I should. Should you? You should message me if people are shallow. And I have hope for this process.

But I can't move forward. Whatever. You know what? Chances are I'm too short or live too far away or don't have enough tattoos or I'm not in the military or i have long hair or i don't want kids and can't live without breeding over and over people are shallow i'm a great guy you're not you don't want to talk you're lost fine mom i'll fill out a fucking profile, but nobody's going to answer it.

Everybody else who isn't me in the world sucks, except you. You're great. Message me. Okay. This would be another jack chick right here. This is Mysterious Mark IV. Oh, my God. Why did this guy write so much?

Oh, hey, look. He's into he's into metal i'm shocked all right so describe yourself well i'm originally from upstate new york to move to pittsburgh to try something new and i love it here that accent if you're from upstate new york that's how they sound i play guitar and enjoy music all around i especially enjoy watching movies of all kinds, especially horror films. My sense of humor tends to be a bit eccentric, sometimes inappropriate, and I make my friends laugh. I'm giggity-giggity-giggity-gooing. All right.

There we go. End scene. We're good. Fuck. I know I want to date him. That's all I need to hear. I'm into horror movies, and I just caught a family guy. Here we go.

Okay, okay. What are you really good at cuddling us the skills have been compared to those of the lesbian smiley face by the looks of that bear he might be engaged in cuddling us right now. One of the girls gave me her vagina hair. Oh, man, that was as good as the time the bearded lady ate me out. Oh, God. Oh, no, that was the mysterious mark.

What are the six things you could never do without? Hang on, let me scroll. Scroll past his 3,000 things that he wants you to listen to. No, it's not music. It's all movies. No, there's a lot of music. He's also very into Alistair Crawley. Oh, that's a surprise.

Yeah. In no particular order, number one, music. Number two, movies. Number three, magic with a K. Number four, internet. Number five, mind-altering substances. Number six, movies. Number three, magic with a K. Number four, internet. Number five, mind-altering substances. Number six, my friends.

What do you spend your time thinking about, though? Playing guitar, Thelma, how I can help usher in the aeon of Horace. Cunning linguists, see above. And what's the most private thing that you're willing to admit? At a finish ball, I was strapped up, getting whipped, and had a riding crop broken and broke my ass. Winky face. Marvelous.

Well, I don't know. I was debating whether or not I want to message you. You should message me if you practice magic with a k or listen to heavy metal like really heavy metal none of this hair metal or new metal aka cock rock i mean death thrash symphonic you know what i'm saying here i also know women who wear glasses and redheads also if you're born under the side of the rim aka aries none of the affirmation is required however but more of those you meet the better most of all is your will to do so it's the only requirement so if you want to message me you should message me this this idea this idea that there's there's like gaggles of like single

women in their mid-30s who are going fuck i'm really into deicide but i just cannot meet a guy also into deicide. They're all taken. But I also want a guy who looks like Mayor McCheese. All right, John, I think this might be my favorite guy of the night. This is Wisdom Rider. Hi, my name is Wisdom Rider. I'm 38.

I'm male. I'm straight. I'm single. And I'm in Campbell, California. Okay, he's near me. Fantastic. My self-summary. Hi, I'm into watching and cheering for the 49ers, Sharks, Oakland A's,

and a huge pro wrestling fan. TNA, TNA, TNA, okay. I also will admit, here I am a huge Undertaker fan, and finally, go SF Giants as well as Miami Dolphins. I am also very much into the paranormal, otherkin, and New Age stuff in general, looking for somebody to express my beliefs. With that, I won't scare off because of big imagination,

nor my beliefs. My Yim account, in case you ever want to chat with me, is Alarun, and my MSN Messenger account is wizard4u2love at hotmail.com. And yes, the four and the two were numbers. I am somebody who, yes, had some mild learning problems. But if you take the time to know me, you will learn I am a true sweetheart

who is fun to be around. I feel bad for this guy. I don't. I don't feel in any way bad about this one. It sounds like you're a career man. What do you do with your life? Well, I work right now at Lucky's as a service specialist, and I love doing so.

Oh, I've been doing this for over four years now. I am also an avid reader, and I love RPGs as well as anything to do with Harry Potter and Xanth. Okay, I don't feel so sorry for him anymore. So knowing that I don't want to hear the first three paragraphs, what are your favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food? Wait, what part do you want me to read then? Music-wise. Okay, music-wise. movies shows music and food wait what part do you want me to read them music wise okay music wise i love a lot of styles but no christian rock and no latino and finally no rap songs with swearing

yucky oh yeah i'm a huge queen fan i've been since i was a child recently learned i am a fan of alice cooper shocking isn't it food wise i love all types of food. Okay, I don't like Mexican food very much. Refried beans, yuck. But I do love dim sum. Oh, I'm a huge Weird Al fan. No shit. I love eating Weird Al. Yeah.

Weird Al's delicious. Actually, that is related. I like food and songs about food. What are the six things that you could never do without? Let's see. My DVDs, my stuffed animal collection. They mean to me sacred animals that come and go around me. Yeah.

No, that makes more sense than if you just said stuffed animal collection. My comic book collection, my computer, my online buddies, my cell phone. Being able to express myself. And what's the most private thing that you're willing to admit? That I still watch cartoons and collect old school Marvel and DC comics. That I am gifted psychically

and love being a help to others. Oh, Ted Raimi. What does gifted psychically mean? It means he knows what you're thinking. Like right now, you're thinking oh my god, get the fuck away from me. Got a point. And there we go.

Around about half an hour of dating profiles for the undateable. John, what do you think we learned this week? I learned that there's a level of nerdy that's too nerdy for even nerds. Like, you know, I mean, I've been wanting to say it here at the F+. You know, we're not jocks. We're not necessarily the, we're not bros or douches or whatever. But, you know, it's just... Do not have a single striped shirt with a flopped collar. Exactly.

But, I mean, these guys are just like, oh, I'm a goth furry, and oh, I'm polyamorous, as long as you like Portal, and here's a list of video game quotes. It's just like, God, I want to dump your books, and my books are being dumped right at this moment. It's always a pecking order. It reminds,

it reminds me of those, those times when, I mean, and I'm, I'm, I'm assuming you can be with me here of like, of like you're in high school and then maybe you're not that super popular. And so you're kind of in a group with just people who the only thing they have

in common is the fact that they're unpopular, you know, and there's probably some of those people that you like. And then there's some of you people that are like, Oh God damn it. Why do I have to be associated unpopular. You know, and there's probably some of those people that you like. And then there's some of you people who are like, oh, God damn it. Why do I have to be associated with you? You know what the difference is? I mean, you get put in the same place, like you said, being unpopular.

But there are some people that are unpopular because they don't go with the norm and they're a little different. Maybe they think a little different, but they're still generally okay, cool people. And then there are people who are unpopular just because they're shit. Like nobody wants to be around them because they're not fun to be around and they're really horrible people. And then there are people who aren't popular just because they're shit. Nobody wants to be around them because they're not fun to be around and they're really horrible people. Yeah, for some reason the prospect of dating somebody that just quotes Portal over and over again

just doesn't seem pleasant. By the way, I got something to say about the cake. It's a lie. I don't know if somebody... Oh, that's funny. Hey, if you would like to scream comments about the cake, I would recommend you do it somewhere else than THEFPL.us. But, you know, leave any other comments that you like. And, oh, and we still probably have stickers.

I don't know when this is going to be released, but we probably have stickers. So if you send me a self-addressed stamped envelope, I will send you some stickers. I love stickers. I love stickers, too. All right, we'll see you soon. Easy come, easy go. you some stickers. I love stickers. I love stickers too. All right. We'll see you soon. Hey, my nations fall

All in all, all in all, all in all That's what Satan had for Put our heads down on the test All that we need is the rest Easy come, easy go Put our heads down on the test. I say, next to rest. Easy come, easy go. Easy come, easy go. Easy come, easy go. Easy go reference here. No, no, no. The hockey puck beat him on American Idol. Hockey puck!

Hockey puck! I'm sorry. The hockey puck just had that sort of charisma, you know. America's made its decision. Yeah.