The F Plus - 52: How To Listen To A Podcast (Advanced Users)

Episode Date: June 25, 2011

Yes, it's another WikiHow episode. No, it's not a re-run. Frankly, Boots has been wanting to record a second WikiHow episode since we finished recording the first one, and he's got a point. There's really so much additional ground we need to cover, it would be downright irresponsible for us to think we've taught you enough. We're covering the words of teenagers, misogynists, morons, nerds and perverts, all of whom have helpful advice for you. This week, The F Plus finishes Step Twelve.

How to record a podcast. Fucking record the podcast. Step two, seriously, did you record the podcast? Click the big red circle. Motherfucker. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Let's do it like we're underage.

That's how we will be. Pray on the illusion that we will be. Hey, guys. Hey, how's it going? Thanks for tuning in. This is the illusion that we will be. Hey guys. Hey, how's it going? Thanks for tuning in. This is the F Plus Podcast. It's terrible things right with enthusiasm. Oh, hi Lemon. How's it going?

Shh. Isfahan, keep your voice down. Oh, what? Oh, sorry. What's going on? So you know Booth Reingear, right? The audio guy from the podcast? Yeah, yeah. I've heard of him. He's usually around doing the podcast. So remember that one so we did this we did this wiki how episode a while ago and ever since we've done that wiki how episode he's

been wanting to do it every week like when i try to pitch him a show idea he goes like no let's just do wiki how instead but why why would he want to do haven't we like scraped the bottom of the barrel with that thing i mean surely we got all the weird stuff out of the way the first time. Okay, well, in fairness, no, we really didn't. There's articles like how to be a lipstick lesbian, how to cope when your favorite TV show ends, how to pierce your own penis, how to ask a co-worker for a one-night stand.

I mean, the list goes on. There's lots more Wikikow articles that we should do. But I just feel like, you know, we've done it already. Do we really want to bring that again? Do we really want to give people articles like how to stalk a celebrity without getting caught? How to be a good ventriloquist. How to convince your mom to let you shave your legs, parentheses girl. I mean, do we really want to do that? I don't know.

I thought we ran out of weird stuff. But you don't want to do that? No, I don't want to do articles like how out of weird stuff, but, but, but you don't want to do that. No, I don't want to, I don't want to do articles like how to convince yourself that you're happy being alone, how to convince a girl to buy you a drink, how to be a true Nikki six fan.

It does sound a little depressing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I just feel like if we do another episode with articles, like how to act like a mermaid, how to play muggle Quidditch, um, how to make your crush stop liking another girl.

Lemon, it might be worth it because I really need to figure out how to prevent these dryer fires. And I think WikiHow might be able to help me out. All right, fuck it. Let's just get to the readers. In the room tonight, we have Boothrain Gear. Hold on, I'm still trying to figure out how to ring this damn doorbell. Vortex?

Wait, I just found out how to make a shrimp out of a plastic straw. Nutshell Gulag. I learned how to tell if someone is in your closet. Hey, Sierra Aquato. Today, I'm going to tell you how to convince your parents to let you grow your hair, boys. Yes, Fahan. Oh, thank God I finally learned how to fix a broken cigarette.

Stog. I learned to keep my child from believing in Santa Claus. Kumquats up. I think I I might smell but I can't smell myself And lemon I want to teach you how to shower with a lemon Golden stream In the cold Towards the past

Stand on your knees And cry How to perform a courtesy pee. My name is Humid Researcher. A courtesy pee offers a discreet alternative way of peeing your pants to avoid that discomfort and embarrassment. What? What? What? Huh? Look, it's wikiHow.

Let the magic happen here. It's alternative peeing your pants. I think let the magic happen is step five or six. Alright, goddammit, what are the steps? In a skirt, find a spot as out of sight as possible. Turn away from other people, if possible.

Two, place your legs slightly apart. A small space between your feet is best. Three, reach up under your skirt and pull your underwear up tight. Practice will show you how tight this needs to be. See tips below.

Is there a diagram? Shit, there's not. Aw. Number four, squat down on your heels. Remember to keep the back of your skirt out of the way. Number five, tilt your pelvis forward. You want to make the crotch of your underwear the lowest point. Number six, urinate hard through your underwear. Oh my god! No. Good pee.

Number seven. When finished, just stand up and calmly walk away. Your underwear will dry quickly if you allow air to get to it. Whistling will help. Jesus Christ. Number eight. Don't be worried about smelling like pee. The smell of... I'm worried

about that. Why shouldn't I worry about that? I'd like to know. The smell of fresh pee isn't nasty and the residual dried smell is actually sort of like a perfume. Oh no! I think we've learned a great deal about human research or wisdom.

Especially if you've been eating asparagus. Oh, thank you. Oh. Standing courtesy pee is all the same, except step five is pee slowly through your underwear. So that other people can watch.

What? A trickle will not make too much sound or fuss Keep your legs forward The urine should fall behind them, but they may get wet When finished, walk calmly away Your underwear will be wetter because of peeing slowly But will smell even better when it dries Oh, good lord!

What in the christing hell is happening? Oh, do you like my new perfume? It's peace-vented. Waiting for the step where it's like, take video and email it to me at humadresearcher at gmail.com. Um, what if

I'm wearing, what if I'm on a bushwalk in loose shorts? On a bushwalk in loose shorts? On a bushwalk in loose shorts? Leave your shorts on. This allows for a quick cover-up and getaway. Getaway? Make sure your

pissing getaway car is parked nearby. Pull the leg of your shorts to one side. Make an unobstructed gap down one leg. Number four. Commence peeing through your underwear. Commence to piss. Your urine

will drop down the open leg of your shorts. You may have to experiment a little with pelvis angle to get this right. It's important to practice. The urine may spread in your underwear. If this happens and you keep peeing, your shorts

will get very wet. If you feel this happening, stop, take off your shorts, and complete the courtesy pee in just your underwear. But never take off your underwear. I think this pee is only a courtesy to human research. Number six.

When all else fails, be sure to choose the manner in which you pee your pants. What? Don't quit. Please read tip number one. Tips. One very positive aspect

to practicing courtesy pees is that you will remain well hydrated that's not how that works well you know you get rid of all that pee so you have room for more water I don't think yeah yeah yeah

underwear how tight to have your underwear and or pants is a matter of trial and error. You will need to experiment to get this right, and the first couple of times you will probably will soak your underwear and or pants. Have a bit

of fun practicing at home. Be prepared to have a lot of washing, but if you do it right, you can do it without making too much of a mess. In any case, you may enjoy it so much that you really don't mind. Aww. Jenny, why are you peeing in the middle of your bedroom? So that I can figure out how to pee in public, Mom!

Well, alright then. There's this guy on the internet that really wants me to know how for some reason. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Everybody, Human Researcher has a general tip. The hell was that? A general tip. Courtesy pees performed by a group of women, wait. Everybody, human researcher has a general tip. A general tip. Courtesy pees performed by a group of women, particularly in skirts,

are best done in a tight circle with everyone facing the center of the circle. Then only the others in the circle can see each other peeing. Holy shit! No, it's holy piss. Handy information, really. I can't think of anything else to say.

Fuck. Okay, moving on. Sandy, do you want to go to the courtesy pee circle with me and Miranda tonight? Sounds like fun. We can watch each other pee. Oh, I have a warning. Warnings. Public peeing in many jurisdictions is an offense.

I know this from personal experience. Assume all, but go ahead. To human decency. It is very important not to be obviously peeing when you perform a courtesy pee. But that's part of the purpose of a courtesy pee. Ellipsis. To pee? Courtesy peeing is addictive.

The better you get. Oh, there we go again. It's showing through again. The more you get at it, the more you will want to do it. You will find yourself doing it more than just for practice. This is good, as you will be better at it when you really need to.

Your laundry bill may go up more than you expected. It may go up exactly as much as you should expect. You may find yourself shopping specifically for underwear you enjoy peeing in and through. Your choice for underwear... I want to move on.

Well, you're not gonna. Your choices of underwear may change to include smaller, tighter items that present little impediment to the flow of urine. He's not even trying anymore. This is good stuff. Alright.

I've got one for Esphahan alright what do you got you're gonna have to wear imaginary prosthetics for this one how to look like a modern style elf if you've ever read books like the Lord of the Rings, Eragon played Zelda or other fantasy style things you may be interested in elves this page

contains information to help you look like an elf the tall beautiful smart kind not Christmas elves damn it next article I want to look like Herbie from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer I want to look like Will Ferrell from Elf

the Christmas elf is the traditional style elf without looking like a freak in the modern world oh okay so good so if I follow your guide I will not looking like a freak in the modern world. Oh, okay, so good. So if I follow your guide, I will not look like a freak. Impossible you say? Well... So I won't look like out of place or stupid. All right, excellent.

If you struggle with obesity, you're probably reading this article. Step one. Wear things in colors that suit your environment or the type of elf you want to be. For example, if you want to be a forest elf, wear green, brown, blue, and silver. To match with silver trees. Other colors may be added.

Don't limit yourself or your elf. Oh, you get it? You may continue to wear clothes that suit your style of fashion without compromising your elven style. You can wear denim, mini shorts, successfully if you wear them with a floaty top and or accessories. Skirts are quite good. Long, short, denim, cotton, silk, it doesn't matter. There is absolutely no need for a cap. This would detract from your normalness.

So, wear clothes? Yes. No, don't wear elf hat. Don't wear hat that says I am an elf. Two, accessorize with accessories that go with the style you are aiming for. Accessorize with accessories. That's a good thing to accessorize with. Silver, green, blue, brown are good base colors for forest elves.

Brown, orange, yellow, red, and blue are good for desert elves. What? Don't be afraid to add splashes of other colors, and don't limit yourself only to these colors. Be adventurous sometimes. Be careful, though, and always remember that elves are

subtly beautiful. They see no need to go flashing their wealth and beauty to everyone. Which is good for you, because you're neither. Three, add matching makeup. Elves are always beautiful, but don't let this dishearten you if you feel you are not. You will almost certainly look beautiful if you are confident in yourself. You will require lovely skin, though. Find a good skin

care regime with antibacterial products for acne. You may want to wear makeup, so stick to natural colors or greens and browns. Eyeliner applied skillfully will make eyes look bigger and angled upwards. Do this by putting eyeliner on the top of your eyes

but only from the middle to the outer side. Flick it out gently if you wish. Then apply it on the bottom but only on the top of your eyes, but only from the middle to the outer side. Flick it out gently if you wish. Then apply it on the bottom, but only on the outer quarter. Blend it with the top and smudge for a more natural look. Man, there's a lot of eye makeup tips in this fucking episode.

Bronzer and blush may look good, but don't overdo it. Elves are naturally beautiful. You want to make it look like you aren't wearing makeup at all. So I guess a start for being a naturally beautiful elf is to be naturally beautiful.

To use makeup with colors like greens and browns. Right, exactly. Keep lips moist and healthy with balm. Nail polish is fun too. You can have either pale or tan skin. Both look good. But not dark skin. There's no black elves.

Four. Style your hair. It doesn't really matter about hair, but long usually looks right. Short hair will still look really cool, but you may look more pixie than elf. Nothing wrong with that, though. Color and texture do not matter. Keep it clean, though though and wear it out usually five try to match your body

height and size with the type of elf you want to be but don't go too far don't go stretching yourself out on the rack so I guess it's just going to be a fat fucking elf for me then elves are usually tall and thin so you may want to exercise

to lose weight but don't starve yourself! If you are short, this doesn't matter. Wear high heels if you want, but it won't matter, really. If you're short and you want to look like an elf, you have to make yourself look taller? All this talk about exercise and wearing makeup and moisturizing and making sure

that your hair is clean and stuff. This is ridiculous. None of that applies if you're short, because there's another thing as short fat. Sometimes you have to fly generic how to look good tips under the radar with these nerdy girls. I was going to say, this is a hygiene bait and switch for the nerd crew.

Specifically mentioning keep your hair clean. No, elves do it too. Really? Elves use soap? I gotta start showering. Hold yourself tall and confidently, but not snob-ishly. Pull your shoulders back and push your

chest forward, but not overly so. You don't want to look like you're showing of your breasts. Hold your head high and proud. Confidence is the key. Some weird people cut their ears. Do not do this if you are trying to look subtle and relevant. This is painful,

irreversible, obvious, and just plain stupid. Oh, you're finally making a judgment. Walk and talk musically and elegantly. Six. Change your personality slightly to match one of an elf, but still be yourself. Don't change

your personality entirely. Keep your own self in there somewhere, but don be yourself. Don't change your personality entirely. Keep your own self in there somewhere, but don't become angry quickly. Be calm. Have dignity. Be kind to all animals, the environment, and other people, and stand up for what you believe in and what is right. Elves are loyal to their allies,

i.e., your friends. This really isn't that different from the how to be a wizard tips remember subtlety is the key don't go overboard remain calm, kind, and loyal don't change your real self

embrace your own personality number three don't dress like an elf if you want to disregard all this and go find a ton of Personality. Number three, don't dress like an elf. Yes. If you want to disregard all this and go find a ton of... Go find a lot of fan sites and get real elven costumes, grow your hair long and go all the way. Only if you want. Keep your hair, nails, skin clean at all times. Warning.

All right. All right. It's time for some more advice for the ladies. Oh. Portax here is about to teach you how to make a boyfriend stop playing Xbox. I assume that it probably won't be one of those things where it gives up at the end. How to make a boyfriend stop playing Xbox. There are a few sacred things that you just don't interrupt a man while he's doing them.

Using the bathroom. Watching a sports game. And playing the Xbox. But the PlayStation 3 is okay. Men, am I right, ladies? He's playing Wii, forget about it, you know? He shuts out the outside world and doesn't talk to

anyone for days. How do you get him to notice you again? Here's how. Number one, ask him to stop. That was easy. Wow, man. Alright, let's move on, unless you have any more steps. No, number two.

Oh, God. Make him food. Get back in the kitchen is another way. Facilitate his behavior. Presumably, number one didn't work, so let's move on. I'm thinking maybe, like, not prepare him food, like, make him into food.

Oh! I get it, like, make something elaborate that you have to eat with a knife and fork so he'll have to leave and go to the table to eat, right? Right. No matter how good a guy is at Xbox, he's still going to need to stop playing to nom on some grub.

Wow. That's right. I really typed that. He might have to thank you for making him food somewhere in there, too. So I'm going to make a penne arrabbiata or a veal parmigiana She might have to thank you for making him food somewhere in there too. All right. So I'm going to make like a penne arrabbiata or like a veal parmigiana, like something like that.

Even better. Even better. Okay. Sandwich. Wow. Must have meat and cheese. No lesson in how to make a sandwich. Two slices of bread.

What else? What else should I put in my sandwich? Most likely, he's not concerned with lettuce, tomato, pickles, or onion, but if you're feeling desperate, go for it. Time to pull out all the fucking stubs. I'm going full-on tomato with this one. Make it. Oh, God. Really? going full-on tomato with this one. Making. Oh, God. Really? Okay. A woman really wrote this sentence?

Yeah, sure. Probably not. Spotlight on this sentence. Making a sandwich for a man is a beautiful thing. That's right. Last edited by Roosh V at...

This was edited by a guy that spent 45 minutes playing Call of Duty and thought, man, I wish I had a sandwich while I was playing this Only there was a subservient gender to serve it to me What kind of sandwich is this, Jenny? Sandwich So, okay, maybe he doesn't like cheese sandwich

You know what else you want to prepare okay what else pizza oh yeah must have meat and cheese cheese on a pizza you're insane i have i have something to add to that and that is making a pizza for a man is almost as beautiful of a thing as making a sandwich for him. Oh, my God. All right. Is there anything else you can make for your man? There's one more thing.

Okay. It's really complicated, though. All right. I'm ready. Oh, oh, oh. Tom Yum Soup. Close. Is it mango chicken?

Close. Even closer. Steak tartare. Nachos! Now you're wondering how to make these nachos. Yeah, how do you make nachos? Must have meat and cheese. I'm sensing a theme here.

These three foods... I think I've got the ultimate meal you should make your Xbox Play in Man. Just take some cheese and put it on some meat. There you go. Cheese and meat. Must have cheese and meat. I love this meaty cheese you've made for me.

Just stick a Happy Meal into a bag of Cheetos and he's good to go. These three foods are the trifecta of manliness Have you spelled man-children wrong? Man-children-iness And are almost guaranteed to woo Any obese fucking No wait

Any man from his post In front of the Xbox Battle stations His rightful post Yeah we need to kill some witches And left for dead I'm sorry honey Battle stations. His rightful post. Yeah, we need to kill some witches and left for dead. We need you. I'm sorry, honey. You knew who you married. Oh, I'm so glad to be Mrs.

Ownage360. That's lowercase capital X. Lowercase X Ownage360. Thank you. Okay, so make him food. What if that didn't work? Number three. Fake a major

sports phenomenon or sports controversy. Like a sports version of the Macarena? If your man plays Xbox all day, he's obviously very interested in the sports and other active activities. In setup for

the step, you need a large purse. Okay. Pretty much, ladies, this requires some homework. You gotta know what his favorite player is on his favorite team is. If he's a Packers

fan that is just one Packer, you gotta tell him that either Aaron Rodgers will be the first professional football to receive the Heisman Trophy, or that Aaron Rodgers is requesting a trade. While your man is freaking out, because...

Aaron Rodgers is getting the Heisman Trophy?! Oh my god! As he's running up and down the hallway with his arms flailing. He's flailing Kermit the Frog style. You have to take the Xbox to a special place where he will never look.

Your purse. Wait, what? What kind of a purse is it? I was going to say a pawn shop myself, but that works. He'll look in the pawn shop. Also, the fact that they're using a sports controversy to distract someone and then steal the Xbox and put it in the purse. It's like they live in a bland Sunday comic strip or something. Yeah, exactly.

There's no... Soap opera. Where did my Xbox go? Oh, well, guess I have to stop playing. I'm such a man. Oh, my collar's unpopped. Let me take care of that. And then there's a picture of, like, not me hiding in the bushes.

Wait, okay, last sentence is put the Xbox in your purse and deny its existence. Where's my Xbox? Dear, you have severe brain damage. The Xbox never existed. So, number one didn't work, number two didn't work, and even though number three sounded very lovely and sitcom-y,

that didn't work either. So, what now? Alright, well, this is the most logical conclusion you can come to, is number four, yoga. Oh, thinking outside the box. Okay. Him to do yoga with you?

If you're reading this article you're a woman most likely in a relationship with a man that finds you at least sexually attractive enough to put up with you I do not want you to say that a dude wrote this maybe if you make sandwiches I'd dump your

ass to the curb these next two tips are to utilize this advantageous position you have on us men. Oh, there we go. Okay, yeah, there we go. But back to yoga. Do it. Don't block its view, but you're allowed to catch it. Why, thank you.

So he's saying do yoga near the TV. Now, don't actually make them So it's Do Yoga near the TV. Now, don't actually make them loose by getting in front of the TV. Just try to make them do a tech-safer take or something. Pee your pants while you do it, too. I've noticed that.

I tell you what. Alright, I'm going to give you a little bit of the urban flavor. I was going back and forth because there are two articles that I really wanted to do The one was How to Smoke a Cigarette It's what, 12 steps? 13, there's 13 steps That's complicated shit

So I really was liking that one but there is this one that I want instead which is How to Rap Okay Okay, so this is Hey! Hey! Hey! I want instead, which is how to rap. Okay. Word up, my homies. Okay. So this is, hey, hey, hey. This is my article, and it's called How to Rap. Do you want to rap to impress your friends?

Yes, I do. Or do you find rap music awesome with two question marks? Yes. Read this article to find out how to rap. With two question marks. Yes. Read this article to find out how to rap. Number one. Listen to the beats of the instrumental.

Download a beat online or create your own. Get some of your favorite artist lyrics that rap. Instudy it. Step number two. Feel the beat. Parentheses. Feel how to get, find the pulse in Match It. Space comma space.

It is a heartbeat that needs to be killed with words. Your words cause a heart attack. What? Space ellipses more periods space. Shut it down. Does he even know what rap is? Shut it down with his father. It's a type of potato chip, right?

Rap snacks? Step number three. Start thinking of what you want to say. Make sure they matter. I don't know what the they is in that sentence, but that's okay. They should be short, inconcise. Parentheses, if you write. Unlike this like this article if you write this is totally concise you shut your whore mouth make me a sandwich

with meat in the rap community we would call you a hoe if you write start with a title in right about that name. This person seems to be using the word in instead of like apostrophe N or N. That's crap. Or just N by itself. I don't know. Yeah, it's my urban flavor. Start reading a dictionary to improve your vocabulary and have a more vast reference to draw from. Read the urban Dictionary to learn some slang.

What does rhyme with rusty trombone? Step number five. Listen to different types of music for this will expand your creativity. Step number six. Perform at local shows if you can. When you do, look at

the reaction from the crowd. Or have it videotaped to see how you can improve. And learning how to rap, publicly performing is halfway through the learning. Yeah, yeah. Actually rapping. It's kind of optional too if you can. Step

number seven. Stress the consonants. Consonants. Oh my god. Okay. Wow. If you try to rap the way you talk, it won't

be comprehensible. Comprehense that shit up. Step number eight. Right when inspired, not every day, you overdo yourself if you're first starting off. Oh. Oh. Well, that's not how he talks, so he's rapping. Yes.

Step number nine, freestyle every day, alone or with others. Battle your favorite rappers. Oh, my God. Put on their CD and let them rap, then try to beat them. I totally schooled your ass, Immortal Technique.

Where's my fucking record contract? And then I unloaded my Glock into the stereo. I'm hoping one of the tips is make sure the rapper isn't insane clown posse as you will stagnate and not get anywhere. I love a rap

battle with a CD. That's so great. Okay. Number 10. Practice by just reading the lyrics. Then read the lyrics like you're trying to get a raise from your boss. What? Excuse me, Mr. Johnson.

I'm trying to slap that ass and pop a cap. Don't be stepping to this dirty rap. Awesome. Well, I've been very loyal to this company for six years, and one, two, three, and to the four, Snoop Doggy, Dr. Dre are at the door. Try to get it on the beat. Imagine when you are rapping that you are doing it in front of someone who knows you well and you respect. Don't try to make your voice sound like someone you're not. Relax.

We don't know anything about that. Just words. I don't really understand what happened in that sentence. Step number 11. Don't start rapping just immediately in front of others, just as you have written your rap. Practice it until you're both comfortable and confident with the way it sounds. Step number 12. Practice makes perfect. That's all. Step number 13.

It's easy and fun. That's an important step because I was concerned. Was it going to be easy? Was it going to be fun? Now I know. There is several warnings, but only one that I think is worth mentioning here.

Warning number four. Don't rap to a beat you're not comfortable with. That means don't clump too many words to a sentence to fit the beats. Especially if you are doing a parody. If you will just end up running out of breath or have a really watery mouth.

And don't rap a song that is too fast for you to begin with. Learning to rap is very unlike singing. You can't rap along to songs on the radio. What? You totally can. But you can have rap battles against the radio. You will hear Fantasia singing Sorry seems to be the hardest word by Elton John, but it is hardly unlikely that you will hear the game

rapping to Eminem's When I'm Gone. Yeah, they never play rap on the radio. Well, yeah, and they never sample rap songs and other rap songs. Wait, that happens? No, I'm saying it doesn't. Okay, Boots, what do you like next? I was thinking of doing a how to drop a phone in the toilet and make it look real. Okay.

Yes. Yes. How to drop a phone in the toilet and make it look real. What? Why do I want to do that? Well, okay. Is your cell phone a cheap old one? And you really want to get rid of it for a new one?

Well, this is the guide to make it look real when you drop your phone in the toilet. Okay. Okay. Okay. Step number one. Put your phone in your back pocket, then go into the bathroom.

All right. Okay, number two, when you walk in, don't look suspicious. You'll look suspicious if you smile, widen eyes, run, et cetera. Hee hee hee. Oh, that was an accident. Number three, when you go in, be normal like you really have to go pay attention of how you really do go in copy that and memorize it because i was gonna say i actually giggle and smile and widen my eyes when i pee usually okay just do it i'm peeing yay i'm peeing

yeah yeah yeah just just do what you normally do then is one of the tips gonna be like don't wink and like elbow people when you're about to go alright number four make sure you have some water juice food etc keep in mind this is after you've already gone to the toilet

I don't know why this is okay then people will suppose you really have to go eat, then wait one hour or more, still in the bathroom. Or they will know you're up to something. I don't know. Number five. When you go in the bathroom, quietly shut the door.

If you're too loud, your parents may get angry and won't buy a new phone for you. So that's when the new phone happens okay number six leave the sim out of the phone just in case it may have your songs photos or videos in there

because I don't understand because you don't understand what a sim card is so no it just fell on the toilet. I had coincidentally taken the SIM card out of the bottom. Thank God I did that for no reason. Wink, wink, nudge. Okay, number seven.

Because people like to follow you into the bathroom. There's one guy that does. Right, right. When you get in the bathroom, pull your pants down like you normally would, but let your phone fall on the bathroom. There's one guy that does. When you get in the bathroom, pull your pants down like you normally would, but let your phone fall in the toilet. Which I can't imagine that happening the way I pull my

pants down. But you pull your pants down in such a weird way where you sort of hover over the toilet. Maybe tear your pants off like you're in the NBA. Wait, you don't somersault? Stand on your head and pull your pants off.

All right, number eight, then leave it in for about two minutes. When two minutes are up, take out the phone with a rag or scooper and flush. A scooper? You don't even want to touch that shit. Come on, man. You know where that thing's been. All right, number nine. Put your phone in the sink and run the water on it like you're washing your hands.

This will damage it even more. This is more water. Water is like fire to phones. Wait, so, like, why don't you just go into the bathroom and just stick it in the sink anyway and then just claim you dropped it in the toilet? But you have to actually, because they'll test the toilet water. Right, yeah, yeah. For phone. Five parts per million, it checks out.

And number ten, when you tell your parents it fell in, make sure they say they will get you a new one. Don't you want to start with that? Okay. I got some important tips, though. In case that wasn't enough for you. Don't do this too much, but the third phone, they won't get you another. That's the parents' limit.

Oh, they've seen through my elite phone racket. You know, follow the rules of three. You're going to have to eat the phone to destroy the evidence. I wish I could find this kid's parents and then write a WikiHow article that says how to find out if your kid's a stupid, spoiled shit. I've got another tip here that's really helpful.

Okay. Before this happens, ask them if when they get a new phone, it will be a really good on, like, Droid or iPhone. Don't ask too early, or they will know you faked it. Mom, just in case my fucking phone goes in the fucking toilet, like, can I get a Droid 3? Next step's really important. Only do this if you really need a new phone.

Sure. Like if it fell in the toilet. Well, no. If it's totally working, but it's old and you don't like it anymore. Yeah, you really need a new phone. Alright, Stock, I don't even have an intro or segue for this one. Okay.

You do it. You'll do a good job with it, honey. How to freeball a gym class. Yeah. Lots of guys like to feel freeballed, the practice of not wearing underwear under one's clothes. If you started freeball in high school, or even junior high school, freeball in high school, or even junior high school,

there may be a little hesitant to let everyone in the locker room know you do not wear underwear. For some reason. Starting to freeball in gym class will help ease your transition to full time freeballing. Oh, I'm

thinking of going pro one of these days. Oh, my grades aren't good enough to get into Duke, although... Here are the steps. Okay. Step one, wait until you have done it enough in public and in front of friends, as do not get unexpected erections in front of the whole PE class. Fortunately, we've already learned how to deal with those. No, we haven't. Are your friends

responsible boner softeners? Get an anesthesiologist around. This is great! Most of my dick is Novocaine at this point, but it's still pretty awesome. Step two. Do not take any underwear with you to school, thus forcing yourself to freeball.

Forcing yourself? Otherwise you might chicken out. Step three. When that class period comes around to changing the locker room, don't make it obvious you are free-balling. Just change like you have free-balled for a long time and that free-balling is as normal to you as is underwear to another guy. Talk about how normal it is as you're changing. Yeah, I'm doing something I do all the time if you're weirded out by this. Just to let you know, this is me every day.

I see you're checking out my free balling, honey. Damn, guys. Do you get skid marks in your jeans like I do? That's crazy. Next step. Step four, when changing, just take off your shoes first, then take off your shirt

and or sweatshirts, then quickly take off your pants or shorts and put on your PE shorts or pants so that no one who is watching or gets a glimpse of your free-balling is entirely sure that you are indeed free-balling. At what point in that step do I

pee in public? Of course, you can stop this soon after you have free-balled enough and peed. This man is the Rommel of freeballers. I don't understand why you have to level up. You're like a freeballing Padawan or something.

This article is reminding me of the Courtesy P article. I think this guy's got some ulterior motives about teenage boys not wearing underwear. His name is Freeballer 1123. Five, Eureka. Step five. Do not make it obvious that you are free, 3. 5, Eureka. Step 5.

Do not make it obvious that you are free-balling. Also, if wearing shorts such as basketball shorts, be careful at first to not spread or open your legs too much, especially if they are very short shorts, as you may accidentally show your classmates

something they were never meant to see. Beans and freaks! Beans and freaks! Lastly, wear shorts slash pants that fit you, or that you can tie tight around your waist so that they will not sag or fall down, which of course will easily show others that you are without underwear. I have one more step.

Before you know it, you will hopefully be able to freeball in PE class every single day and maybe eventually stop wearing underwear all together. and maybe eventually stop wearing underwear all together. Do you guys have any questions about free-balling in PE class?

Yeah, I thought... Wait, did you see any good tips? Were there any good tips? The third tip was interesting. Oh, the third tip, right. The more you free-ball in PE class, the more you will experience all the thrills of freeballing in the class, especially if you are in shorts

with the breeze and such. Also, you may soon also feel the flopping and bulging of your genitalia is a nice feeling. What? In the past, I was too aware for PE class. Oh, nothing feels better against your nuts than fucking gym shorts. What? In the past, I used to wear it for B-class. Oh, nothing feels better against your nuts than fucking gym shorts.

I like when my balls bang against the stitches of my gym shorts. These wool pants are pretty nice. If you've tried before and chickened out Do not wear underwear to school And do not pack any undies in your bag When it comes time for PE You'll have to go through with it And free ball in gym You'll be glad you did this step to help force yourself

Into doing what you really wanted to do Would you like to become a master rogue? Yes! Are they great at free-balling? I don't know about that. That's a subclass. Play on the Xbox. Well, step one.

Practice doing gymnastics. You know, like doing flips. It helps if someone discovers you, by the way. What? Hey, he's doing those flips. You must be a rogue or something. What was that noise? Must just be my imagination.

Number two, uncover people's secrets. For example, say someone doesn't like you behind your back and they say, I hate your name. Okay, someone discovers doesn't like you behind your back and say I hate Lemon. Yeah. Your name. Yeah, Lemon. Alright, this is important.

This third step. So don't screw it up. Step three, place traps for people espacially during a race. We're back to the sitcom again. How many times is this person racing people? I'm not racing you again. You put those damn traps up.

I've been discovered. Mrs. Henderson, we'd like to talk to you about your daughter's use of caltrops during the track meet. I'm glad you brought that up because this segues into step four. Step four is run very fast if people are trying to get you. I'm a faculty during a race.

I might even win. Step four, have a fight or flight mechanic. Can he get you? I have them, and let me just wrap this up. This is the most important step to becoming a master rogue Step 5 practice using daggers one-handed swords wrench weapons and maces Don't be silly maces are a cleric weapon Helps do you write? Get a secret journal and write about stuff that your frames say bad to you or just write their secrets down.

This entry was written by Harriet the Spy, wasn't it? Those damn boxcar children. And my other tip for you, the aspiring Master Rogue, get very strong. Some of the weapons may be heavy for your weight. Put my feet. Get the warning. All Go to the warning. All right.

The warning. If Frayn see you, er, out of luck. Do not ask, oh, do not collect $200. You have failed at being a friend. I got it kind of confused because it sort of contradicts step one where it helps if someone discovers you. Clearly I'm not a master roller. Maybe he means discovered like in the sense of like discovered a child actor.

A road talent. How to become an awesome spy girl. You want to be a great spy? Read this step-by-step paragraph below and find a way to be one. Find a way. Yeah, find a way. Isn't that what we're doing? Find to be gone. Okay, step one.

Step number one. You can train with your club by... Step two. One. So step two, go back to one. So it's just you can train your club by... You can train with your club by, you can train your club by. Error, error. It's bad programming.

Number three, put stuff all over the floor so on a mission when you're running, you'll know how to avoid them without tripping. Aviate them. Oh, aviate them, yes. There's shit all over the floor. Shut up, mom. I'm a spy. On my mission. Four, practice climbing on a rope so I'm on a mission. Four.

Practice climbing on a rope so you will know how to keep balance. What? Oh. Hey, that's good advice. You can practice with the master rogue guy there. In case you have to spy on the top of the gym ceiling. Number five. Five.

Watch spy or detective movies so you'll know the next step on your mission. Movies you could watch on YouTube. Wait, so you get the missions through the Pink Panther? Yes. No, not the Pink Panther. What are the two things that they list? Harriet the Spy and Get a Clue. Harriet the spy and get a clue and now a selection of wiki how articles

that didn't make the podcast how to save the rainforest how to choose toppings for crumpets how to access the mech box in a classic army SAR airsoft gun how to overcome anxiety naturally

with food. Step one, eat ice cream. Step two, eat more ice cream. Step three, eat more ice cream. Stop it in your mouth. How to cultivate a food addiction naturally. I want to share this one with you so I need the proper gravity for it.

Yeah. How to get good reviews for your fan fiction. Yay! This one's for the free ballers out there. How to win a hard nerf war. How to be cool around your kids. How to convince your parents to let you

date someone poor. I love him, daddy. I don't care if he doesn't have any money. How to compose a message on Facebook. How to appreciate Martin Luther King

Jr. I appreciate Martin Luther King Jr. on a much deeper level than you. I appreciate him in seven Jr. on a much deeper level than you. I appreciate him in seven steps. How to decide whether to become a doctor. I'm sort of left hanging. A doctor or what? Just a doctor.

Doctor or professional poker player. One of the two. Or play one on TV, maybe. How to floss. How to maybe. How to floss. How to floss. How to floss. And finally, how to do something when you're bored.

How to be sexy while playing sports. Girls. How to be sexy while playing sports. Boys. How to be a sexy library girl. Step on Google Halloween store. I think it involves saying shh a lot. How to play tetherball in four easy steps.

How to make a boy horny. Oh, that's hard. That's really hard. That sounds like a sandwich or something of boy horny. Want a boy horny for lunch? Who had the chicken boy horny? How to kiss somebody who is a different height. How to create a Harry Potter bedroom.

How to protect yourself from the sun. How to accept that your computer is slow. There's drugs you can take for that. How to change your appearance from emo to preppy. How to solve a mystery.

Alright, my selection, and I'm starting out with How to Draw a Shark. Now, you're listening to this podcast, you're going, that's not really very funny. I would invite you to go to thgfpl.us, look at the Google Doc, and find out the end results

of How to Draw a Shark. That is so funny. It's like a smiley face that's frowning and has a goatee made out of a peapod. And it has Krusty the Clown hair. And if you actually look up the one on how to draw

a shark, that's the only way he can draw a shark. So he has another version where he puts it in a tutu. Also, I want to tell you about how to be a simple person. How to have a social life. How to find a boyfriend during summer camp. How to be a ninja punk. Stealthy, stealthy, stealthy!

Oi, oi, oi! How to make your wishes come true. How to stop hating your parents, parentheses, everyone. Are your parents everyone? How to be a metalhead. And right after that, how to be metal. How to make different kinds of smoothies.

How to stop being jealous of people who are very good on singing TV shows. How to do it Disney Princess style. Oh god. Is that time of how to get positive reviews

on your fan fiction? I might have my own punctuation. Can you say stop having sex in the middle to sing a song about it or something? How to get out of anything. Like anything, like hedge mazes, jail, credit card debt,

Disney princess uniforms. How to cope with depression without seeking professional help how to wake up happy every morning oh my god how to get your boyfriend to break up with you conversely how to cry on the spot I hate this 7up mascot Try on the spot.

I hate this 7up mascot. How to be the perfect and popular girl in middle school. How to ignore your sister of brother. What? Your sister of brother? Yes, your sister-in-law.

I wish I knew how to ignore my bother wife. How to kiss when your back pimples hurt. What? Don't worry, the next one isn't gross, though. How to celebrate your daughter's first period. Yay! Have a surprise party with all her friends. celebrate your daughter's first period. Yay! Oh. Have a surprise party with all her friends. How to live without Superstar on Stardoll.

Alright, nerds, what does that mean? I have no idea. Alright, excellent. Wow. How to remove a wedgie discreetly. How to hold your poop in embarrassing situations. It's just in your hands.

You don't know what to do with it. How to vomit politely. Pardon me, but I must expel the contents of my stomach upon my dinner plate. I hope I don't. No, I think it's more... Carry on. I think it's more... Carry on. I think it's more... Excuse me for a moment, but...

Blah, blah, blah. Pardon me, Jenkins. Could you point me to the vomitorium? That's not what vomitorium means. I'm pedantic. How to know all the celebrity gossip. All of it. How to burp.

How to fart silently. Likewise, how to disguise your farts. All of it. How to burp. How to fart silently. Likewise, how to disguise your farts. Scratch your glasses. Disguise your farts as what? All of a sudden I hear Dane Cook talking. What? How to show roller coaster etiquette. What?

By disguising your farts. Does that tie in with how to vomit politely? Yes, it does. Yes, it does. How to remain unchanged by fame. How to hug. How to meet and greet royalty. How to ask someone

to take their shoes off at your home. Wow. That's hard. How to win a beauty pageant Hey, you laugh, but Closely tied with that How to be a baby again Oh dear Sexual commentary, love it

How to grind How to tell if you talk too much And what to do if you do And my personal favorite and what to do if you do. We don't talk too much. No one talks too much in this podcast. You don't have to excuse me. And my personal favorite, how to remove mind tattoos.

That's when you can't stop thinking about Fantasy Island. With mind lasers? How to change sheets in an occupied bed. That's rude. How to get a girl if you play guitar. How to avoid a girl if you play guitar. How to avoid a fatwa. And I'd say

don't piss off any Muslim cleric. Alright. I'm going to tell you a book and I want you to not write it. How to start a car. How to avoid being a nerd on RuneScape How to draw a sleeping dog How to flirt with a girl you barely see Step one, move to thinner bushes

And some better glasses How to get evidence of Santa Claus Step one, have her in semen samples How to get evidence of Santa Claus. How to... How to... How to live without an iPod. First-time problems. No way. How to make a spy base in your closet.

How to get your significant other to stop wearing ugly clothes. How to get your significant other to stop wearing ugly clothes. How to break the habit of making anonymous slash abusive comments on the internet. Stop making anonymous, like that's a horrible. And the last one, how to act like a dragon. Like some dragon lube. How to feel a guy's muscle without looking gay. How to identify a teenage vampire.

Do they sparkle? Ask them for ID. Stupid. How to deal with a boyfriend who is obsessed with your butt. How to be goth at church gonna blow their minds how to gently dump a clingy friend air quotes I'm doing air quotes how to make it look like someone is eating in stop motion. I'll finally be able to put that on my resume. I'm going to look that one up because I don't fucking understand what the hell it's talking about.

How to make facials from pantry ingredients. Oh, what? Yeah, yeah. Nothing. Nothing. Why? What were you thinking? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I don't get it. How to defend Noah's Ark. From what? From water, duh. How to make a ninja training center. How to put a glove on. Just one. Is that related?

Is that the same guy for how to put on a hat? How to know if you're a true juggalo or juggalette. You hear that, Vanilla Ice? How to open your locker and then subsequently get stuffed into it. Like a true juggalo slash let.

How to tell if a YouTube video juggalo slash lead. How to tell if a YouTube video of a UFO is fake. Number one, is it a YouTube video of a UFO? And finally,

how to remove your own orthodontic work. I really hope the words vacuum cleaner are used. I was thinking like linoleum

cutter and a small hammer. Wire snips. How to exercise so your bust appears fuller and firmer. How to become a hobo. How to get revenge on your siblings. Hobo with huge tits. How to meet

Chinese girls in a self-improving non-creepy way. Is that actually possible? How to pretend like you've seen a movie. Any movie ever. How to be a cool hippie. How to sit at a school computer doing nothing. How to dress like Olivia Vertigo

from Charlie Bone and the Castle of Mirrors. Finally, someone's... How to absorb the characteristics of Mirrors. Oh, okay. Finally, someone's... How to absorb the characteristics of a fictional character. How to draw a cartoon emo. And how to see ghosts. Wow, you totally got the best list. That was awesome.

I believe in the good of life. I believe in the good of life. I believe in the good of life. I believe in the good. I believe in the good. I believe in the good of life. I believe in the good of life. It's a gift for just a man. I believe in the good of life.

And there we go. Around about an hour of how to make a girl laugh, how to have fun, how to deal with a dad who watches porn. I could keep going. Yes, what did you learn this week? Well, I learned that for these people who write these wiki hows, they're trying to help you out,

but some of them have a very distinct subtext. You know, they're kind of ulterior motives. They kind of express themselves in weird ways. Sometimes it seems like people are addressing very specific people out there. I think that what I learned is... Yeah, and they're having an interesting sort of fantasy

life in their heads, too. Like, hey, how's it going? I'm gonna write this article about how great it is to pee in public because I guess in their heads they assume, like, oh, what's up? I'm on the internet. I hit random article. Wow.

PNPublic really sounds great. This is something I could get behind. Internet recruiting. Yeah. I think, I think writing Wikihow articles is therapeutic for some people. It's gotta be something. I mean, cause you know, it's, I mean, mean, as we can, as we've evidenced more than enough times, there are

a trillion articles on there. And, you know, I mean, there's got to be at least four people that are just spending all their time just banging out these articles for amusement. Absolutely. It's an interesting dichotomy. Either people are disturbingly

expertised at what they're writing about, or they just have no idea, but that doesn't stop them. They're running pure enthusiasm. Yeah, which is good enough. And if you have pure enthusiasm for terrible things right at enthusiasm, please go to our website. That's

thefbl.us. We are always taking submissions. Otherwise, we'll just do wikiHow over and over and over again and totally be fine with it also leave some comments because we like those thanks for listening bye bye I did not do those drugs I still knows I'm a

bad side I believe in the good of life cause I bleed for a taste of men I just believe for a taste of men I just need for a taste of wine Cause I cannot step on a landmine I believe in the good of life I believe in the good of life

I believe in the good of life Join us next F Plus Live when you'll win a chance to shower with Lemon. It's like a sweepstakes that we have. I don't know if I want to win that one. Well, you won already, so don't worry about it. One way or another, you're winning that. He'll be turning up at your house at a randomly assigned day and time.

Hi. Hello, my name's Lemon, and you're going to learn how to shower with Lemon!