The F Plus - 56: Excuse Me, May I See Your Water Selection?

Episode Date: August 7, 2011

As a species, humans have a small list of needs, a larger list of wants, and an even larger list of things to get arrogent and pissy about. This episode is all about water, specifically bottled water, which (as it turns out) can fit all three of these categories. Much in the same way that certain self-professed experts can wax poetic on the merits of certain wine vintages, there's a small but growing number of people who would like to share their enthusiasm for water, and just like the wine guys, they seem to be making most of this stuff up. This week, The F Plus gives the internet a thousand dollar swirlie.

I'm assuming you've all seen, um, like, those raw sugar packets. You know, where it's like the big, like, raw crystal sugar? Um. Yeah. This is a product. It's a product called raw water. What? It's water without any of that bullshit, man!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hey there. Water with a cold, water with a cold. Uh, no, I don't I don't think so No, I didn't spit in it, it's fine It's just normal, it's just water You might as well have spit in it

What? Look, do you know the pH factor of that? Tell me, right now, what's the number? How about how hard that water is? Give me the hardness It's not hard at all, it's liquid Calcium, chlorine, hydrogen, carbonate Why are you saying things? What does that mean?

Look, look, look. Ever since I've gone on this website, it's called finewaters.com. Finewaters.com. I realized that all water is not created equal. And not only does water have a lot of qualities that I didn't know about and that affect the flavor after I've read them, but it's also worth a lot of money to get these right. So to get water that's

effervescent and has a high virginality as opposed to just tap water or whatever you have in front of you right there. Okay, well I just went to this website that you suggested for me here and what I see is it's a bottled water review site. Exactly.

And there's some water that's worth $50 to $100 because it's got better pH and minerality and orientation. For instance, if the orientation were neutral, that'd be worth about $100. I'm just saying. Yeah, a bottled water review site. Well, guess what, John? This is

now the topic of this episode of the F+. Let's get to our readers. Let's. In the room tonight, we have Bortex. This is so weank. Pearl AG's got the best mouthfeel ever. Bump Girl.

My TDS is 19. My hardness is 17. And my hydrogen jazenicarbate is 16. Ooh, give me a call later. Boots Rain Gear. Boots Rain Gear is brought to you by the Japanese water Fine. Only after tens of thousands of years filtering naturally through 600 meters of ancient volcanic rock

does... John! Cape Karoo, the award-winning South African water, comes in a stunning glass bottle. Our special guest, we want to welcome back Lou Fernandez. Pronounced Layla, comes from the ancestral home of Corsese kings and queens that ruled this island paradise for over a thousand years in Micronesia. And Lemon. This water's vintage is tens of thousands of years.

I found a site the other day called finewaters.com Oh, right. It's actually called Bottled Water of the World and it is a bottled water review site. Ooh. They review all sorts of different bottled water. Well, they review the high end.

They don't review the cheap shit. No Dasami? No Aquafina? No, no, no. None of that. No, no, no. end. They don't review the cheap shit. No Dasami? No Awkwafina? No, no, no, none of that. No, no, no. Fuck your dirty tongue. What about 7-Up Select? What about H2O? Nope.

What about a fucking water fountain? No, God, ew. Gross. So, the first one, this is a water that I actually bought. This is what led me to this site. This is a water called Fred. It's a water called Fred.

Isn't that uncharacteristic of a water? Lou, would you please run through Fred for us? Me? Why? All right, then. Yeah. Tell us all about Fred. All right.

Fred. Spring water, still, no bubbles. Country of origin, USA. Region, New York. Place name, Alpine Springs. Established 2006. Company, Fred. Website, lovefred.com. Love Fred. Love Fred. Love him. And the description goes like this. Fred. Fred comes from Alpine Springs, which is a mountain spring located in Livingston Manor, New York. Super low in TDS and a superior rating

for nitrates gives Fred his smooth epicurean characteristic. Wait. His? Aren't nitrates the bad things that are in deli meats

that our deli are supposed to have? But why is the water male? It says his. Because it's called Fred. It's Fred. It's called Fred. Exactly. jesus i've been following along okay also unique to fred is his unique charismatic

personality and refusal to be defined simply by his chemistry or the geological strata fred is different he's dimensional he's engaging and clever. Fred loves meeting people and hanging out, and has an ergonomic shape that makes him easy to hold and convenient to carry. Comfortable to sit in. Some call Fred the total package. Oh, yeah. Fred, however, prefers friend. With benefits.

Nicely positioned as an engaging and accessible premium broader brand, Fred even has his own MySpace page and blogs with fan videos. Wow, MySpace. That's like the trending topic. Good job, Fred. He gets five diamonds. Five diamonds and what? For virginality.

I'd like to know Fred's orientation. Fred, I think you're being coy. Wait, wait, wait. What is the TDS? If Fred has five diamonds coy. Wait, wait, wait. Does that mean... What is the TDS? If Fred has five diamonds, does that mean that Elliot Spitzer will fuck him? Whoa. You probably did. That would be gay. Low blow.

That was a better joke than you gave me credit for. So tiny, too. I thought of that yesterday. I was really excited to bring that to the podcast. You slaved over a hot stove with that joke for several hours. Now you know how I feel. Five diamonds, damn it. All right.

I want to know what Fred's orientation is. Me too. He's neutral. He's just neutral. His minerality is super low. Hardness is soft. What? Yeah.

That's what it says. His hardness is soft. His hardness is soft. This is why he's just your friend. He rolled a 22 TDS. Whatever that is. That gives him initiative. Well, Lou, since you are

the voice of Fred now, I went to fredspot.com, which is different from I love Fred, or Love Fred. Is this a fan site of Fred's? No, FredSpot.com is Fred's blog, where Fred talks about what's on Fred's mind. Water! Water is on his mind. He's water. Fred is water. Fred is not a man. You probably never wanted to punch water before, but you're about to get that desire.

In my martial arts training, I punched many waters. Fred is off the reservation. So Fred came with us. Oh, sorry. So Fred came to us with this idea of being a hot dog for Halloween. What? He wasn't really asking us for what we thought. He had already made up his mind.

Water tells me what to do. Now, if there's anything that's appealing, it's hot dog water. Not only did that joke suck, but the fucking blog made that joke. That's true. You just made the joke that the blog made. Well, we're obviously both very witty. Yeah, I didn't. I was witty as fred

at least that's what was coming off of him for energy and wait what i don't wait he wasn't really asking us for what we thought he had already made of his mind at least that's what was coming off of him for energy what does that mean i don't know. I'm so confused. Clearly not. You are honestly perplexed. Oric vibrations. Yeah. These guys know what water is thinking. They just listen to the plastic box. I'm sweating hot dogs. The vibrations of this water say, I want to be a hot dog for Halloween.

But I think he was just looking to pick a fight. What? I mean, why would a perfectly pure bottle of water want to dress as a hot dog? First of all, from an image perspective, it's a terrible idea. Mmm, hot dog water. Gross. Second, it makes no sense at all? Question mark.

It's not funny. You know what, Fred? Be a hot dog. Whatever. BTW. Your costume isn't even good. For friends of Fred, sorry you had to see this. Seriously. FOF, Adam Wich. Fred as a hot dog is a lovely picture.

And that image is going on the F Plus site. Because this means they put a hot dog bun around this bottle of water and took a picture of it on purpose. And then wrote a story. That means that Adam Wich here, his job is that he's a handler for a water bottle. He spends his days arguing with a bottle of water. And his nights wondering why no one buys him drinks. I feel like you hate Fred a little bit. Fred is water. I can't hate him. He's water. Fred is water.

My orientation is still neutral. Oh my god, we can follow him on Twitter! Yeah, you can be one of these 1,000 76 people that do so. But, yeah, if you hated Fred, boy, you're really gonna hate this. Yay!

This is Bling H2O! Yay! Hey guys, I'm here for the Bling H2O team and I'm gonna tell you all about Bling H2O. Yay. Hey, guys. I'm here for the Bling H2O team, and I'm going to tell you all about Bling H2O. Fuck you. I mean, hi. Bling H2O is the inspiration of Kevin G. Boyd, Hollywood writer-producer. While working on various studio lots where images of the utmost importance,

he noticed that you could tell a lot about a person by the bottled water they carried. Surrounded by superficial people, he made a superficial observation about superficiality. Yeah! Kevin G. Boyd realized he's incredibly good at novelists. So, Kevin G. Boyd moved out of Hollywood and now is a moderately successful novelist? Is that what you're about to tell me? No! Oh.

In Hollywood, it seems as if people flaunted their bottled water like it was part of their presentation. Whether the bottle has a cool shape or came from an exotic island, none truly made that defining statement. Bling H2O was fashioned to make that defining statement. The mission was to offer a product with an exquisite face to match exquisite tastes. Of water. Of water. Plain water. Yeah.

Tell me about this product. Is it really good water? Is that what you're about to brag about? Well, here's what I've got to tell you. The product is strategically positioned to target the expanding super luxury consumer market. Are you aware that we're years into a recession right now? Do you know that this is happening? I don't care.

Initially introduced to hand-selected athletes and actors, Bling H2O is now excitedly expanding its availability. Bling H2O has been featured in many recent celebrity events, including the MTV Video Music Awards and television's biggest event, the Emmys. Fuck you, Super Bowl. Yeah, exactly. I've got one little wrap-up sentence to say about this.

Alright. Bling H2O is pop culture in a bottle, but it's not for everyone. Just those that bling. It's pop culture in a bottle? So you drink it and you start doing fucking, I don't know, Austin Powers quotes or something? No, that's not very pop culture in a bottle So you drink it and you start doing fucking I don't know, Austin Powers quotes or something No, that's not very pop culture

I just picture some guy with a spray tan going Everything about me says I'm a douche Except for my water bottle See, this is why we should all be Really happy that the recession's hit Because shit like this Like, all those fuckers in Dubai They're doing really bad right now, and that's good

for civilization. There's tons of crates of bling just sitting. Sitting off the coast of Dubai. Can't even get in. Sinking into the salt water. It's going to get recycled into a bottle of Alizé. Tell me

a little bit about Bling You have sort of bullet points here How many diamonds does it have? Bling H2O has a virginality of five diamonds Five orange diamonds Not allowed to make that joke anymore Go on Five amber diamonds

It's got a low minerality It's orientation is hint of sweet. Its hardness is slightly hard. And it has a carbonation. So when you say orientation... I thought it would have the carbonation.

Orientation, hint of sweet. That's the same as gay for pay, right? Yeah, I don't know't know well they've got orientation explained as PH but then they also cite the PH later time to play the price is right that bottle that you're looking at is a 750

750 bottle the same as any wine bottle it contains water they make absolutely no claims as to the quality of the water, just that it's for a bling lifestyle. How much does that bottle cost? $300. $20.

That's way too high, poor Tex. What was the guess? $20. $20. You're actually kind of close higher, though. Wow, really? A bottle of blling H2O Large Single Frosted Glass Bottle. A single bottle will cost you

$39. Awesome. Does it come with a twist cap? Because that's really... It does come with a twist cap. Oh my god, that's so gross. Now, you may be saying to yourself, is there a

slightly more expensive Version of that I've been saying that this whole time Is that what I was supposed to be saying to myself Yeah that is what you were saying to yourself Well you're right Just check out the price Of the Dubai edition

Once again the smart money magazine choice the dubai collection uh it is a bling bottle completely covered in swarovski crystals for two thousand six hundred dollars my water got because as we all know swarovski crystals are really expensive. That looks like a great thing to be beaten to death with. Bling is the official water of Plugla. Plugla. Is that a booger? That is P-L-U-G-L-A, which must have been PlugLA.com, which is no longer online.

Aw. I thought that was like a Czechoslovakian model. Which must have been PlugLA.com, which is no longer online. Oh, no. I thought that was like a Czechoslovakian model. PlugLA. I thought you were going to say that Bling wanted to go as a hot dog for Halloween. But a really classy hot dog. A hot dog covered in diamonds. There's a breast cancer Bling bottle. That's nice

How much more is that? It's only $47 Okay $1 of that goes to breast cancer research You can get it in blue You can get the Tinkerbell bottle Did you see that version? Is Paris Hilton, she like bling?

She's in late time here Yeah Is Paris Hilton, she like bling? She's in the late time here. Yeah, Paris Hilton likes bling. Yeah, but did you notice Paris Hilton was drinking the unclassy plastic bottle version? Yeah, but she's an heiress. She can do whatever she wants. The plastic bottle version only costs $19.50. What a bunch of bullshit. That is lame.

If I saw that on a movie set, I'd be like, psh. You're not sipping Prestige. All right, so Bump Girl, I thought maybe you would tell us about, this is another different bottled water. This is Kona Deep. I know, my favorite porn star. Kona Deep. Kona Deep originates from the USA in Hawaii, place named Kona.

Kona Deep is a purified water still. Deep sea water is water drawn from deep in the ocean, usually from 2,000 to 3,000 feet below the surface. Water at those depths is very old, very cold, and free of the contaminants and pollutants that can taint surface water. Is that how pollution works? If you pollute water, it only affects the top layer? That's right.

Deep sea water is pathogen-free and naturally rich in important nutrients and minerals. Isn't it also salty? Like salt? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that water circulates, goes around to the bottom and the top and around. Yeah, but that's

new water. Yeah, that's the young water. That's the young water. The old water is, you know, sort of established. I don't ascribe to the young water theory. Kona Deep is utilizing the natural and abundant resource of the pristine, pathogen-free 3,000-foot-915 meters, for those of you not reading from the United States,

deep ocean water accessed from the state of Hawaii's Natural Energy Laboratory of Hawaii Authority, Nelha at Kona, Hawaii. I don't understand. So that could be like tidal energy, or it could be hippies with like rock crystals. Either way. Either way. This is a byproduct of some sort of energy process.

Maybe this is water that's coming off a nuclear reactor. Oh, wow. I love how pure it is. It has 224 total dissolved solids. Great. It's totally pure. This one doesn. Oh, wow. I love how pure it is. It has 224 total dissolved solids. Great. It's totally pure. This one doesn't really have a review of the water. It doesn't say if it's sassy or not sassy like Fred.

Well, yeah. I mean, come on. That's not a fair standard. No, see, Fred went out with Kona Deep for a while, but he found it really uninteresting. Just too deep for him. Very old. Yeah. Exactly.

They did have the good sex in common uh okay the last the last product we're actually not going to bother reading it other than to say uh this this water right here um divine um it is uh it is a still water it has four diamonds its minerality is low its orientation acidic. Its hardness is moderately hard. But the review closes with, or the summary closes with, this concept is the foundation of the divine

slogan. The water is still free. All we charge is for the bottle and delivery. Wow, thank you. The water is still free. So yeah, all they charge for is the bottle and the delivery. The bottle and the delivery will cost about $57. Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry. $57 was not enough.

Oh. That was just for the bottle. The shipping is $17.53. Naturally. So it'll cost, all told, $75 for 12 bottles of free water. Delightful.

Now, you know, some people might say that why would you be doing this episode? All this content seems very normal. And other people would say, well, water doesn't have a flavor. To those people that say water doesn't have a flavor, you're a fucking idiot.

And we're about to prove it. Lou, do you want to try this? Okay. Explain the flavor of water. Flavor of water. Written by Michael Masha. At first glance, water and mineral water may not seem to have the individual characteristics that distinguish wines. It's true.

But through the comparison with the flavors of wine, subtle but distinct differences in water flavors become apparent too. This chapter will examine the components of flavor as they apply to water. Flavor Flavor equals taste plus smell plus mouth feel. Taste, smell and mouth feel of a tactile sensation combine to produce

flavor. Sensory Sensory receptors in the nose and mouth report information on each of these three components to the brain where the sensation is integrated in a highly complex process we are just beginning to understand and each of these

three components say hey I think you're drinking water that's correct I'm glad you grasped the basics food writers often pay little attention to mouth feel but it a very important property of both food and water. So food writers, the people who eat things of varying textures, don't pay attention to the textures? Yeah, they'll say like, that spaghetti was good, but it didn't feel mushy in my mouth while I chewed it.

The size, amount, and distribution of bubbles, or lack of them, are essential to the mouthfeel of water. I used the fine water's balance to describe a water's mouthfeel. See page 43. Here's a comparison of the elements of flavor in water. Wine. Taste. Complex.

Water. Very subtle. Wine. Smell. Complex. Water. Absent. With wine, Very subtle. Wine smell is complex. Water, absent. With wine, the mouthfeel of wine is uniform. Excuse me, waiter, there's only one farm in my wine. With water, it is complex. Based on these factors, a wine tasting emphasizes taste and smell, whereas mouthfeel is the most important characteristic to consider in a water tasting. Yep.

Well, it's wet. Feels like water. Yeah. It's a liquid that's wet. Yeah. With an unchanging viscosity, unlike wine. Okay. Yes.

I feel like I have a rant for you next. Wait, let me read about mouthfeel. Oh next. Wait, let me read about mouthfeel. Oh, all right. Let me read about mouthfeel. You haven't said anything about mouthfeel. I need to know more. That shit doesn't describe mouthfeel. It better be uniform.

Mouthfeel. You may not be familiar with the term mouthfeel because no one uses it. But you know the concept if you can tell the difference in texture between a creamy pudding, a crunchy pickle, a crispy potato chip, and soft bread. I have no idea what the difference between those is. Yeah, I have a nutritional interface, not a mouth. Mouth feel and texture have a lot of influence over how satisfying food is, and I think everyone can agree with that. Feel your mouth.

Stick your hand in there. Well, you know, any real mouth is going to be able to notice the difference between Avion and Dasani. My real doll can tell the difference. Your real doll doesn't most feel very good to me. Ew. I know, I have to have it replaced.

Alright. Alright, now... Make him put on a different uniform. I'm sorry, I do have a rant it replaced. Alright. Make him put on a different uniform. I'm sorry, I do have a rant for you. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a... Sorry, it's just a serious topic.

It's ice. It's just ice? Is it the mouthfeel of ice? Yeah, is it the mouthfeel? It's the same guy, Michael Masha, who is writing about mouthfeel. He's noticed some things about ice. I want to take this, if I may. The American fascination with ice and soft drinks and water

is one of the first things that strike most visitors to the United States. Even sparkling water is not spared this cruel treatment. I may not be able to change the use of ice in soft drinks, but I hope there is a chance to save bottled water from this fate. Ice is the natural enemy of bottled water. What? Never its source. Ice is water. Ice is water, and it's in water. Water isled water. What? Never its source. Ice is water.

Ice is water. And it's in water. Water is in water. Please do not put colder water in cold water. What the fuck is going on here?

No, no, guys. It's true. I put some water bottles in the freezer one time to freeze them because I was going to be on a hot day. When I came back, they, guys, it's true. I put some water bottles in the freezer one time, you know, to freeze them because I was going to be out on a hot day. When I came back, they were all eaten by the ice. It was horrible. Oh, no.

I lost $57 on one bottle of water. Before drinking, bottled water should be cooled to the proper temperature without ice. As ice made from the tap water melts, it dilutes the bottled Bottled water should be cooled to the proper temperature without ice. As ice made from the tap water melts, it dilutes the bottled water, water that has been taken from its natural source,

bottled with great care, or maybe it's from the New Jersey tap, but, you know, either way, and shipped halfway around the world. There is usually nothing wrong with tap water, but it just does not belong in natural bottled water. I have plenty of friends who are tap water. Wait a minute. What if you took the bling water and put it in the ice tray and then turned it into bottled water ice? Well, then that would be fucked up because then you'd be combining bling water with Johannesburg dome water. Okay, well, what if you took the same type of water and you turned it into ice cubes and stuck it in the same water?

That would be wrong for reasons I can't come up with right now. It will smell like your freezer, and that's no good. Oh, guys, guys, the problem is far more complicated than that. That doesn't make any sense, because that'd be like a bird changing into a cat. It can't become its own predator. I don't get it. The troubles become apparent if you look closely at how the ice

is actually produced, stored, and handled. For example, a bottle of water is usually opened at the table. Yeah, that's right. That's how that happens. But you have no idea who handled your ice. And how long it has been sitting

around in an open container. Of ice! Because it's ice. Gangstalkers sneak in in the night and fondle your ice cubes. Oh, yeah. Although this is talking about being at restaurants. Is it? Yeah. Sometimes a Mexican touches your ice cubes.

Oh, that's not good. You don't want that to happen. Or a Chinese person. What if it's actually an ice cube? Who touched your ice cubes? Wow. I think that's okay. I mean, it is policy at every restaurant I've been to

to touch and lick every part of the ice that you give to people. He's got a point. I made a thousand ice cubes today! It was a good day. Ice cube trays. At home, just fill your ice cube tray with the bottled water you plan to drink. This makes the ice cubes a bit more

expensive, but it's worth the cost. What? This is a tip for crazy people only beverage because you're still drinking the fucking water the same for example did you just put like regular water ice cubes in my bling i know motherfucker you need to step off no this is how gang violence starts that's right for example you may have spent a fortune you may have spent a fortune on the latest and greatest vodka for your martini, because we assume you're an asshole if you're on the site.

Right. But then you use ice cubes made of tap water to mix the drink? Shit. Who the fuck is... Why are you putting ice cubes in your martini in the first place? Jesus Christ. I have other problems. I'm snooty in a different way about this.

Well, when you're shaking it. Maybe when you're shaking it. Okay, that works. Chilling it. Read the next sentence. Try freezing a high-end water with a neutral pH and a low TDS. There, you're keeping notes here.

In some designer ice cube trays. Designer ice cube trays. Shaped like little skulls across a cement for a party. Penises. Penises. Shaped like famous Scientologists. The taste will be improved, and your guests will be impressed. No they won't. Don't think you're stupid. It's funny.

Why does my ice look like melted Tom Cruise? All right. Any particular reason we skipped drink ice on there? Was it all funny? It's just utterly baffling. Does that count? Oh, wow.

A single-use ice cube tray. Yeah. What? Where was that? Oh, shit. Drink ice. Drink ice. They're was that? Oh, shit. Drink ice. Drink ice. Right above it.

Oh, my God. Okay, okay. Some innovative bottled water companies, such as Island Ice, have begun offering single-use ice cube trays. Filled at the source. All you have to do

is put these pre-filled trays, called drink ice, into the freezer. Drink ice? A.K.A. water? What is drink ice? It's drink ice in small containers. It's like bottled water, but it's even more expensive.

If you use this to, like, ice down an injury, that is the ultimate decadence. Ha ha ha! down an injury, that is the ultimate decadence. When you open a tray of drink ice, you can be sure it's the first time the ice has encountered the air since it left the clean room in which the tray was filled. Drink ice is much too expensive to fill your cooler with. I said cooler.

So is it like an Intel clean room? Oh, yeah, yeah. They got guys in white suits, bunny suits. Yeah, it's all sterilized. There's a pressure chamber. I bet that place they make you go through your clothes

at the end of the day to make sure you aren't stealing from your guys. Well, obviously. I mean, they've got to keep some profits. Imagine if people walked away with their water. No, I brought this drink ice in. Drink ice is much too expensive to fill your cooler with, but I hope it will become a standard in bar and restaurants for mixed drinks and cocktails.

I look forward to a time when people can select not only the vodka for their martini, but also the ice. Make this an Island Ice Kettle One Martini with two olives, please. Make sure the olives are made also made of ice. What a douchebag society

this guy dreams of. Why am I being ejected from this restaurant? You didn't ask me what kind of ice cubes I wanted? I thought this was a classy place. Your water sommelier totally doesn't get it. All right. You can't have a water sommelier? The part that I think you all might have guessed was inevitable,

but maybe you're hopefully still surprised that it exists. The section on food pairing! Oh, wow. Yeah. Alright, John, this is you. Ooh, I hope these words mouth feel fine. Mouth feel is the most important of the factors guiding the way bottled water is matched with food. Mineral content and acidity play more minor roles.

Matching with mouthfeel. Use the fine water's balance to establish a progression in multiple course meals and to match or contrast the water with the mouthfeel of the dish. No, wait. That's all one word. Mouthfeel of. Mouthfeel of the water with the mouthfeel of the dish. No, wait, that's all one word. Mouthfeel of. Mouthfeel of. Sorry, the mouthfeel of the dish. Mouthfeel of. I'm not sure what's happening yet.

I'm sure this will make sense eventually. One of the prime joys of matching water and food, and one of the true marks of water connoisseurship, is changing waters for each course, developing a progression of waters to guide you through the meal. That doesn't make any sense. This paragraph is formatted weirdly.

Drinking a different water for each course highlights the subtle differences, and the progression adds enormously to the dining experience. If your favorite restaurant does not offer more than one water, ask them to consider adding more options. Of course!

Wait a minute, not ask, demand! For a five-course meal, a good water progression might look like this. Oh, good. Okay, okay. I've been planning a party. How does this go? Yes, five course meal.

Hors d'oeuvre. Bold or classic? This is much like having a taste of champagne. It draws attention and is bubbly and loud. It's water. Salad. I have broken cortex. It's water.

Salad. Effervescent. A nice contrast with the previous water, but not entirely without bubbles. No, no, no. You wouldn't want to get the bubbles out entirely of your water. It's still water. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Wait, wait.

Just, just. No, this is not still water. This is effervescent water. Think about the fact that an hors d'oeuvre should be paired with water classic. We'll get the new water. Yeah, exactly. This is that old-fashioned water. I like that.

They came out with new water. No one liked it, and they went back to classic water. First course, light seafood, for example. Still, you'll notice the absence of bubbles and focus on the water. Not the food, but the water. What

happened to the bubbles? That distracts me. I guess they're being gradually phased out as the courses go on. I need to focus on the water now. Bubbles are distracting. Second course, poultry, for example. Effervescent or light. Reintroduce some mouthfeel and match the water with the texture of the course.

So put sand in the water? Is that what you want? No, make it taste like chicken. Liquefy everything you eat. Yes, that's what I thought. I'm sorry, this water is too chunky for the chicken main course red meat for example

light or classic match it with the texture of the course dessert still or effervescent I have no expounding on that. Can we order all water?

Can we order anything else but water at this dinner? Because I'm getting angry. I just picture some host of this sitting there watching everybody drink and going like, so, how's that water? Does it feel effervescent to you? I don't know why you're demanding

food out of this. You're getting five different courses of water. After that, you're going to be fucking full. You're not going to have room for food. I think if you went to a dinner and someone was like, everyone, I really want you to pay attention to this next water. It's going to be great. Okay, the chicken is coming out,

but just savor the water. Don't drink it all at once. Just choke the chicken down, but really, the water's what matters here. Yeah, I think you're really going to... And someone else will be like, could I have a Coke? No, no, no, no. The water's in a really fine crystal glass right at the center, and the

chicken is just like a McChicken with the bun removed. Right. The lettuce and the mayo still on it. I was disappointed at this party. No one asked me what kind of ice cubes I wanted. No, no, they do expound on a little bit more in the next paragraph. I think he gives some good points. Try these simple examples to elevate drinking water to an experience.

To go further, consider the principles of complement and contrast. Sometimes contrasting the texture of the food allows for enhanced pleasures. Raw oysters come to mind. These would go perfectly well with a still water, but might be more enjoyable with a light sparkling water, which would provide additional sensation in the mouth. The same rule applies to fusion sushi or sashimi dishes, especially when they have some spiciness. This is page 104.

I noticed that in the very lower right there's a poll. Oh, good. Yeah, that poll has been driving me crazy. Still or sparkling? The options are still, effervescent, light sparkling, medium sparkling, and bold sparkling. Now, if youcent, light sparkling, medium sparkling, and bold sparkling. Now, if you click on the results, you'll see that 1,792 people prefer still.

So, yeah, 3,000 people or so have answered this poll. 3,487 people have opinions. There's got to be some vote jamming here. There's no way almost 1,800 people have voted for Stiller Sparkling. I keep trying to think that it's a parody site, but it's a... Like, if it is a parody site, the humor's really, really... Like, they're keeping it close to their chest.

They wrote it specifically for us. Yeah, well then, thank you. Thank you. We appreciate that. On the side of the scissors aren't any upcoming water events. I know, that fucking sucks. I really want to go to one. I'm really hoping there's a water park somewhere made out of blimp.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. You go to a water park. There's two butlers at the top of the water slide just pouring from a bottle. I would like to, on this water slide, I would like to use the island ice cubes. Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait, go to page 404. Just, um, it talks about the intangible qualities of water and how

important that is to the character. Oh, can I read that, please? Just from the title, I really want to get that. Yeah. I just want to know if these guys will arrange to give me a flight of waters. I don't want to have a whole meal of waters. Oh, you want to have the sandal, yeah. I want a tasting flight of waters. I don't want to have a whole meal of waters. Oh, you want to have the sample, yeah. I want a tasting flight of waters. Four quarter pints of water.

Yeah, well, yeah, you just want the small glasses because you don't want to get too watery at the end of the night and not be able to drive home. I don't want to drown of my own water levels. Sampling of water from around the world. Actually, you should read just the last paragraph of that. Okay, this is the last paragraph of Intangibles.

Every good sommelier tells you a little story about the wine he or she is pouring you. Does it make the wine taste better? Yes, they do. Shut up. No. Does it make the wine feel more special and unique? Absolutely. The same is true for water.

Sharing the story of the water, its source and origin, vintage, and the location and circumstances of its bottling can contribute significantly to the overall experience. All right, sir, I'm pouring you a Poland Springs. You see, once upon a time, there was a white guy who wanted money, and he owned a sink. So what he did was... I like how they keep talking about how water has a taste, but then they give you, like, all these crazy different things you need to do

to make it taste like anything. Right. We never really... I don't think the people who run this site are that cynical. Come on. We never touched on vintage of water, did we? No, no, we didn't. Oh, my God.

They have a whole lot of shit about water. I didn't want to cover it all. There's also a section on how to conduct a water tasting for those who are curious. Yeah, that one's really great. That one's really great. Water tasting? Yeah, but vintage carbon dating bottled water. What?

Carbon dating bottled water. I saw carbon dating wine on Law & Order last night. Did you? Which Law & Order was it? The one that has D'Onofrio back on it. Oh, okay. Is it CI? Yeah.

Where he's the cop who knows something about everything. Sure, yeah. So they carbon dated wine to see who got killed? Yeah, they said after World War II, the radiation in grapes went up. They were able to tell that this bottle wasn't as old as they thought. Now you know. All right, that might be true. Who knows?

And then there was one more thing that I found from Facebook, which is on the finewaters.com Facebook wall. Somebody had read their suggestion of how to have a water tasting party. So they read the suggestion. They were excited about it. So then they posted excitedly on the Facebook wall, We have done a water tasting in Hong Kong

and guess which water was the best out of the hottest water brands on the market? And Fine Water's answer is, There is no such thing as best water! A water tasting is about discovering and appreciating the difference in water. A water tasting is about discovering and appreciating the difference in water.

Wow, that's sort of a dick answer. Three people like that. We had a contest and something won. No, it didn't! That's fucking unacceptable! But no, everyone liked this one more than the other. No, they didn't!'s fucking unacceptable but no everyone liked this one more

than the other no they didn't that doesn't count as winning they shouldn't have not in the world of water that's how voting

works I don't understand why you're so angry fine waters just trying to share a story from Bangkok or Hong Kong

or wherever I live you never had respect for money, it's true. That's why he never wins. That's why he never ever has enough to treat his lady right. He just pushes her way in her heart And says money don't matter tonight Money don't matter tonight It sure didn't matter yesterday

Just when you think you've got more than enough It's when it all up and flies away That's when you find out that you're better off Making sure your soul's alright Cause money didn't matter yesterday And it sure don't matter tonight And there we go. Round about an hour of wet, wet action.

John, what did you learn this week? Oh, just wait a second. Ah, that's better. There we go. I'm so glad that the problem that you had at the beginning of the podcast that you didn't have during the middle of the podcast, but then you had at the end of the podcast, then fixed itself. It was...

Yes. Anyways. It came full circle, with the middle of the circle missing. It came full donut. Anyway, you learned something. I did. And what I learned was that when you have enough money, people are just looking for excuses to waste it.

Apparently. Yeah. people are just looking for excuses to waste it apparently yeah because you know why i'm not a fan of wine personally but i can get wine has different flavors wine pairs with other things you know i get that and you know there's a spectrum of wine you got your box from walmart you got your nice stuff that's been aged 100 years or whatever sure but water is water and i mean it's water is really hard like in texas, sometimes algae gets in the water. It doesn't hurt you, but it tastes different. Yeah, okay.

But when you get to a certain level, I am positive you cannot taste the difference between the pH and the minerality and how hard you're. I mean, come on. Not only is that not real, but people are like, oh, these numbers tell me this water is high end. So I want to spend $100 on it because I'm worth it. Right. I guess this does designate me as a class warrior, which I have been accused of before. For sure.

But I really think that they're always talking about like, oh, let's raise taxes on the rich or let's not raise taxes on the rich. By the way, let's raise taxes on the rich. I mean, there's clearly only one answer to that question. For sure. But in other, I mean, what you actually need to do is just raise taxes on certain products. Yeah.

I think that if you want to buy spinning rims for your car, you know, you should be allowed to do that. This is America's freedom of expression, blah, blah, blah, blah. You get spinning rims to your car, you know, you should be allowed to do that. This is America's freedom of expression, blah, blah, blah, blah. You get spinning rims to your car. Absolutely. However, you have to, you know, pay for our roads if you do that, because that's dumb. And for you to want to do that, it's stupid.

If you want to buy a $50 bottle of water, you know, that's totally fine, but you need to help out with some orphans while you're at it. Yeah, because if you're willing to waste your money on stupid bottled water that's supposedly been bottled in some mountain in Argentina, then you can waste a little more on the government. You're advertising to the world, well, shit, I don't need this

money. And you know what? Other people do. Exactly. And you know what else we need? We need your comments. We need your clicks. We need your segues that are almost as good as that one. If you want to go to the website that is thefpl.us uh i now get like emails saying when new people like us on facebook and i like those emails yeah um people leave comments i like it and uh i've just yeah just thanks so much for commenting and being more involved i see see a lot of commenting on the site, a lot of people downloading. It's awesome.

You are great. And please keep it going. Spread it out. Tell all your people that we will. You know, if there's anyone you know that needs water reviews, here we are. Absolutely. And do please, if you're around Minneapolis, clear your schedules for October 1st. Because F Plus Live 2 is going to blow your mind.

It would be amazing. So good. All right, we'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening. Oh, God. Oh, no, it happened again. Goodbye. Tonight the bottle let me down

And let your memory come around The one true friend I thought I'd found Tonight the bottle let me down Tonight the bottle let me down. Do not let the bottle let me down. This guy is making a killing on this water site. Yes. He has 1,584 Facebook fans. That's more than both of our podcasts combined.

By a lot. Sad but true.