The F Plus - 58: I Can't Believe It's Entirely Butter!

Episode Date: September 4, 2011

We've been looking into your Facebook updates, and we've noticed you've been good all summer. You've been eating healthier, cutting down on sugary drinks, even getting a reasonable amount of excercise this year. Yes indeed, it's been work, but we've noticed you're looking a lot better and you don't seem quite as depressed as you used to be. But guess what? Summer's over. So let's get you back to your old habits. From the very fattest locations of AllRecipes.com to the most criminally negligant Food Network celebrities, we're going to be reading recipes that will make your arteries clog just from the sound of it. This week on The F Plus, it's all gonna look like poo poo.

The following broadcast is brought to you by the F Plus Live. Are you feeling down, lonely, depressed, impotent, or sober? Well, cheer up, fucko, because the F Plus is going to improve your life. Friday, September 30th at the Blue Nile in Minneapolis, F Plus readers from across the country will all convene in one place for only two reasons. First, to drink a lot of beer, but second, to read from hand-selected self-help books written to help you achieve in life. Visit thefpl.us for details. And while you're doing that, let's get to the episode.

It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake. If the way is hazy, you gotta do the cooking by the book. You know you can't be lazy. Never use a messy recipe. The cake will end up crazy. If you do the cooking by the book, then you'll have a cake. Hey there, this is the F Plus. Terrible things, right with enthusiasm.

My name's Lemon. And I'm John. And that's John. And we've got a lot of recipes coming up for you. These are going to be really great recipes. These are really good. Oh, God. These are going to be really great recipes. These are really good. Oh, God. These are going to be...

You really don't believe what we got here. Last recipe we had was... Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. We got recipes for chili. We got coney dogs. There's so much cheese on everything. We're going to be featuring a lot of... Oh, God. We're going to be featuring a lot of...

Oh, God. We're going to be featuring a lot of Food Network stars, recipes, Paula Deen's going to have... Oh, you're so bad. So very bad. Don't sing me out. Let's get to the Raiders. In the room tonight, we have Portax. It all looked like

poo-poo. Bunny bread. I'm sorry, that's bunny banana casserole from here on out. Jimmy Franks. You'll have to collect a lot of stones and seaweed for this dish. Boots rain gear. This ranch lager is delicious and refreshing.

Kumquats up. Ingredients. Fifteen cans of Cheez Whiz. John. First step, deep fry the cream cheese. Second step, put a bullet in the chamber. And lemon. Enjoy with a Chardonnay or a barf bag. Finally, it's time to make a cake.

You gotta do the cooking by the book. Cake, cake, cake, cake. This is some disgusting food. Lemonade used to there? I'm still here, yeah. I would debate the accuracy of the term food. Alright, Boots, if you want to take the

tuna coney dogs. I do want to take the tuna coney dogs. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see a fantastic photo, and it's right here in this recipe. Tuna coney dog. What the hell? Don't worry. If it doesn't make any sense to you, there's a second photo, which is the same thing at a different angle.

Right. It'll help. What? It's a sense of perspective. The other one is the MySpace angle, so it looks a lot sexier. All right. Hi. I'm tuna 100. Sorry, I'm Tuna 101.

Sorry, I'm cooking 101. Okay. All right. Here's my description of the Tuna Coney Dogs. American cheese, hard-cooked eggs, and tuna combined with pickles and olives to make a simple sandwich that adults and kids love. Ugh. Mm-hmm. Okay. All right.

I bet you want to know what the key ingredients of the tuna cooey dogs are. Oh, I do. Sure. Okay, I'm going to guess tuna, right? Well, that's, yeah, maybe somewhere. But, okay. Four ounces of American cheese cubed. Three hard-cooked eggs.

One can of tuna. Drained and flaked. I like hard-cooked eggs. Hard-cooked eggs. While they're boiling. Hardcore. Yeah. Some green bell pepper, some onions, some

pimento stuffed green olives, and some sweet pickles. Half a cup of mayonnaise. What? Obviously. And then four hot dog buns. So now, I know what you might be thinking. Do you? Because I'm thinking of you.

You might be thinking it might be kind of weird to put a bunch of slob in a hot dog bun. I do think that. Yeah. Well, I'm going to tell you how to make it. Oh, okay. Is it heated up and put it in a hot dog bun? Well, you preheat your oven to 300 degrees F. All right?

And then in a medium bowl, combine the cheese, eggs, tuna, bell pepper, onions, olives, and sweet pickles. Stir in the mayonnaise until everything is evenly coated. With the mayonnaise, but also coated with everything else. Spoon generously into the hot dog buns. Also note... Okay, sorry. Spoon generously

into the hot dog buns and wrap each sandwich in aluminum foil. Oh, yes. So the alien rays don't get to them. Right. So you bake the cornies in the preheated oven until the filling is heated through and the cheese is melted in about 10 minutes, and then you take out the leaking mushy

aluminum foil pockets and extract your hell dinner from that, and then you consume it. Because there's nothing that kids like more than hot mayonnaise. It's not only that hot tuna salad. If there's nothing that kids like more than hot mayonnaise. It's not only that hot tuna salad. If there's any way to eat tuna salad, it's boiling hot.

It looks like the hot dog had like a tumor or something. But what I'm fascinated by is what to drink. Chardonnay, vodka Collins, beer, or the best lemonade ever. No substandard lemonade will do. I know I had it with the best lemonade ever You know, I've enjoyed my tuna coney dogs With a Zinfandel I don't really know what these people are doing with a Chardonnay

That's gross Really, I wouldn't admit that Excuse me, tuna is meant to be enjoyed with a white Clearly, silly Mary Jo says This recipe has been in my family for several generations. That's because they're short generations. Everyone dies at 20.

But yeah. All right, John, you're off to the salad dressing. You're going to teach us how to make salad dressing. You would assume perhaps olive oil and vinegar. You'd be wrong. Oh, I know I'd be olive oil and vinegar. You'd be wrong. Oh, I know. I'd be wrong on that count. This is kitchen sink salad dressing.

Made in the kitchen sink. Made with everything but the kitchen sink. Kids like this one, and they like the name. This recipe makes a lot. Use as your house dressing. Okay. As in, you included everything your house dressing. Okay. As in you included everything but the house. Exactly.

If you don't have red wine vinegar, distilled white vinegar will do. Of course. We are very discriminating. Prep time is five minutes and it's ready in five minutes. Alakazam! All right, so

one cup vegetable oil. Okay. One 10.75 ounce canned condensed tomato soup. Of course. Half cup packed brown sugar. Third cup red wine vinegar. Are you done?

No, I'm not done at all. Okay. I'm halfway. One all. Not even halfway. One teaspoon ground mustard. One teaspoon garlic salt. At this point your tongue might have jumped out of your mouth. You're done now, right?

That covers the salt content at least. No, you'd think so. Half teaspoon onion salt. Half teaspoon celery salt. Sea salt. Fourth teaspoon celery salt. Sea salt. Fourth teaspoon Worcestershire sauce.

Worcestershire sauce. Fourth teaspoon paprika. One dash hot pepper sauce. And of course, one cup mayonnaise. God damn it! Directions. There's only one step

Oh my god In a blender combine everything Cover and blend on low speed Increase speed and blend until thoroughly mixed Refrigerate covered until ready to use I was planning on making the stick it all in a blender joke At some point in this podcast Completely not necessary.

All right. Portex, you're a messy cook. I am. Okay. Messy cook. Ooh, yummy. I was skeptical when I first saw the ingredients, but I was pleasantly surprised when I decided to try it as an experiment. It makes exactly a quart.

So I just poured it right into a clean mayonnaise jar for easy storage. I'll make this again. I have a lot of those sitting around. We use all of them to make this. Oh, my God. Can I read eating good in Arizona? That's probably a great idea, yeah. Alright.

I had to make a few changes since there are only two of us. I replaced the soup with about one quarter cup of Kef Cup. Since I didn't want to open a can of soup. Because I'm the cook on the go. Ketchup and tomato soup are basically the same thing, right?

I'm a terrific cook, but opening a can, I really just can't be arsed. Oh, my Lord. Have you tried? I used sour cream instead of mayo and added more hot sauce. It was really good, and we thought it would make a great condiment for French fries or even go on a burger. Which is what you want on a salad dressing. Oh, man. Alright, well, goddammit.

We're gonna go back to all recipes because I'm going to introduce you to some other great recipes like stupid hot dog thing and ribs for kids. We're gonna do that, but for right now... Stupid hot dog thing. That's why Jimmy Franks is in here.

Stupid hot dog thing. We're going to go to that, but right now I am fucking sick of these amateurs. We need to spend time with the pros. Pros like Food Network superstar Paula Deen. Oh shit. Oh shit.

This has got to be you. Big guns. Stuffing. Typical, you know, traditional stuffing. Deep fried and on a stick. That looks like poo-poo. Oh yeah, it is shit on a stick. Oh my god. Hey there, Pauly Dean

again. We're going to move on to the other appetizer, which is deep fried stuffing on a stick. Now, if you're like me and have gotten all your ideas from the 4-H Fair, then you are a classy human being. Yeah. Okay, let's start it off with our ingredients. You're going to need, first of all, the stuffing, right? Okay. Sure.

That's going to need five tablespoons of butter. You're going to divide spoons now five separate spoons do we really need the you know what never mind are you dare questioning me that's to make sure you get exactly five tablespoons because if you missed out on one of those it ruins the recipe

yeah my lord one pound of breakfast sausage that's a bulk sausage we don't want to get too fancy we got one cup of diced onions of course a half a cup of diced carrots a's a bulk sausage. We don't want to get too fancy. We've got one cup of diced onions, of course. A half a cup of diced carrots. A half a cup of diced celery. We'll just throw those in the garbage.

We don't really need those. It's going to make your garbage smell nice. It really is. One bag of unseasoned bread cubes for stuffing, of course. One sleeve of saltine crackers. Now, I don't want you to go out there and get any of that Ritz shit, because you want to put on airs for everyone. You're going to crush them and just sit on them like I do.

One tablespoon of poultry seasoning two tablespoons of dried parsley flakes two teaspoons of ground sage salt and freshly ground black pepper well we don't really have to ground any of that stuff one quarter chicken stock four eggs and you're going to smash them with your fist Now we get to my favorite part, the frying. Oh, okay. of one quarter chicken stock, four eggs, and you're going to smash them with your fist.

Now, we get to my favorite part, the frying. Oh, okay. What do we need for frying? Well, we need oil, goddammit. We need lots of it. We need to get all the oil that we can possibly find. Go right down there to Louisiana and get all the stuff from the deep water. It just says oil.

Paul, I don't have any oil. Can I just throw butter in the thing and just heat that up? I will allow it. Thank you. I've got some 10W30 here. I'm going to add butter to that, of course. Now, two cups of all-purpose flour.

We're going to need some special equipment. I know y'all can't afford the big stuff, but let's see if you can find some sticks in the backyard. Twelve of them. Wooden ice cream sticks. No more skewers. We have to eat the ice cream off of them first.

Yeah. Butter ice cream. So you know it's properly fried when the joke at the end of the stick is covered. Alright, now. Let's get down to it. You're going to preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Grease a 9 by 13 inch

bacon dish with 1 tablespoon of the butter. Well, 4. That's 17 tablespoons of the butter. Touch yourself while doing this. Yes. I thought that was implied pretty heavily. You're going to brown the sausage in a large skillet over medium-high heat until it's cooked through, y'all. Transfer to a plate while

spooning off the excess grease into your mouth. And onto your body. Yes. Leaving about two tablespoons in the skillet. Add four tablespoons of the butter and melt that shit, honey. Add the onion, carrot, and... No, let's skip past this part. Okay.

Meanwhile, in a large mixing bowl, let's get past this part. Okay. Meanwhile, in a large mixing bowl, toss together bread cubes, saltines, poultry seasoning, parsley flakes, sage, salt, and pepper. Stir the sautéed vegetables... Stir the sautéed candy bars into the mixing bowl.

Pour in the chicken stock and eggs and toss together. Turn the stuffing out into the prepared baking dish. Now bake in the preheated oven for 35 to 45 minutes until the top is golden brown and the juices, oh, the juices, y'all, in the stuffing are bubbling. Oh, God. Preheat that oil in the deep fryer to 350 degrees, whatever the hell. Cool the stuffing completely or not.

I don't even care anymore. Cut into the 12 squares. Remove each square from the dish and wrap it around a wooden stick. Press it onto the stick with your hands. Now, we've all put shit on a stick, haven't we? Come on. Make the stuffing from a log shape around the popsicle stick, leaving two inches of the stick exposed for the handle.

Okay, so what's the goal? What am I doing here? What should it look like? You're waiting for death. No, no, but this food, what am I trying to sort of construct? Oh, you can still see this past all the grease. Okay.

This should look somewhat like a lumpy corn dog. It doesn't. It looks like poo-poo. Poo-poo isn't a corn dog. You're silly. Honey, have you ever swallowed a corn dog whole? I have.

When you shit it out, it doesn't look too different. It was lovely. When you shit it back out, is the stick still in it? Is that what you're saying? You don't think I waste all that time with chewing, do you? Alright, now you're going to roll the stick in the flour, coating it well, and then shaking off the excess. Gently lower the sticks

into the hot oil and fry until golden brown and crispy in about five minutes. Transfer to a paper towel lined plate to drain. Or don't drain. I just kind of get a straw in there and slurp it up. Questions? No.

No, but there is, I want to mention that there is a review fight. Some people have left comments about how they felt like this might be disgusting. And other people jumped to Paula's defense. So then,

here's this, Kumquat, you want to take this one here. This is from Slbrzy 12144464 Beep boop Fat bot Initiate Slbrzy

You guys who are complaining Are cracking me up I mean it Any of the recipes that are online Are just a guide dashline, not just Paula's. So, if you don't like the butter, use another option. Don't want to fry it? Then bake it.

Don't want to make it? Then don't. Don't want to eat it? Get the hell out of here. Have you no imagination? If it weren't for someone trying something new, there would only be raw fish, cold corn, and leaves off some plant for us to eat at Thanksgiving.

Yes! Paladin is broadening our culinary horizons. God bless her. That fucking plant. They had to ruin everything. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the leaves off some plant is like the

specialty of the well-known food boys. Someone had to try it themselves and change it to their liking. Maybe looking outside the box may actually

make a dish to really enjoy and remember. Maybe looking outside the box may actually make a dish to really enjoy and remember. But I need this box. I'm puking in it. I baked mine and they turned out awesome. I didn't wrap the sticks, not the food part, in foil to prevent them burning.

Try it. You just may be surprised. I want to read the illustrated story Paula Deen Saves Thanksgiving. I think John needs to read this in a fat voice. This is by TX Texas Yank 1961.

Okay. My name is TX Yank 1961 underscore 12420594 i'm a grill and i'm at mineral wells kitty kitty face uh the stuffing was exceptional to all the folks that are worried about their health don't take take a shower. You might fall down and hurt yourself. Don't ride a bicycle. You might fall off and hurt yourself. Don't cross the street in a metro area to go to that five-star bistro.

You might get hit by a bus. Don't live. You might die. He's living it up. That's right. Deep-fried stuffing on a stick is pure living. I laugh at all you people who do things. Alright.

Alright. Oh, this next one's one of my favorites. The chocolate truffles. Alright, here we go. You get to be Sandra Lee. You get to be Sandra Lee. Sensuous chocolate truffles. Vortex, you make sure you get drunk right now.

God, not her. Anyone but her. It also looks like poo-poo. All right. What are we doing? Okay, we're making sensuous chocolate truffles. Ooh, alright. This is my... No, no, no, don't. Come on.

Stop. Don't laugh. I like truffles. I like truffles. This'll be good. My world-famous two-star recipe. How long does it take to make these sensuous chocolate truffles? It takes 15 minutes. The level is easy, and if you make the 36 truffles, it makes about chocolate truffles? It takes 15 minutes. The level is easy, and

if you make the 36 truffles, it makes about 36 truffles. Ingredients. One 16-ounce container chocolate frosting. Wait, what? Yes! What?

God damn it! Ooh, that's pretty sensuous. Pour it all over yourself. Oh, yeah. Why do you need chocolate frosting for your truffles? Why wouldn't you? Because they both have chocolate in the name. Goober?

Anyway, three-fourths cup powdered sugar, sifted. Oh, yeah, sift it all over me. Pour it all over John. One teaspoon pure vanilla extract. And one half cup unsweetened cocoa powder. Yeah, bitter, baby.

So let me get this straight. You take prepackaged chocolate frosting and then you add the ingredients that you'd use to make frosting to it? Yes. You're going to want to throw frosting on top of that frosting now. So it's like a yogurt starter. Yes.

Yeah, where you start with yogurt. The frosting fractal. Directions. Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper. Write your will on them and know it. With a hand mixer, beat frosting, powder, and vanilla in a large bowl until smooth. Use a tablespoon measuring spoon or a one ounce cookie scoop.

Oh yeah, scoop it out. Form into balls. Oh yeah. Yeah. And place on the cookie sheet. That turns me on too. Dust truffles with cocoa powder. Cover and refrigerate truffles until ready to serve.

So cover forever. Never speak of it again. It's your dirty secret. I'm sorry. That was just so sensuous. I couldn't help myself. Canned frosting. Oh, God.

Yeah, it's a bunch of sloppy piles of frosting. With some extra sugar and thickener added to it. And somebody actually blows the whistle on this immediately. Kaiser Sozi is not

happy about it. I made these just to try them out and give to my friend's kids. They didn't even want to touch them. They don't want to touch anything I bring to them. And my buddy's wife got mad at me for trying to gross their kids out. Apparently, they thought

I made gag pastries to look like something else. Animal leavings. They taste poo-poo. When I assured them that it was food, the older kid, Brian, took one and took a bite and told me that it was still gross. I guess I got what I deserve for being too lazy to make them fudge like I promised learn my lesson

I don't do shortcuts anymore that wasn't Kevin Spacey at all nevermind my name is Haley0658 underscore 4652484 hi Haley with a bunch of numbers. They look like little chocolate

meringues. I love canned frosting. Alright, we've got a little bit more Paula Deen here. Of course we do. You know, and BunnyBread, I know that you were sort of the last one was just a little bit more paula dean here of course we do of course you know and bunny bread i know that you were sort of you know the last one was just a little bit too you know it's just too many steps too confusing kind of difficult we're gonna go back to the basics thank god we're gonna go simple classic pure paula dean this is snow ice cream oh lord snow ice cream. Oh, Lord. Snow ice cream. Take it.

Oh, God. For God's sake. Yay. This is from the episode Paula's Favorite Foods. It's just her favorite. Okay. All right, y'all. Good to hear from you.

It's nice to be back. You're losing composure, Paula. You all right, Paula? I'm sorry, y'all. Just suffering from butter withdrawal. Got the shakes again. Wait, no. That's just what it looks like when I move. She's pushing from butter withdrawal. Got the shakes again. Wait, no, that's just what it looks like when I move. She's pushing the jiggles again.

All right, what do you have for us today? Well, y'all, I'm going to share with you this, my favorite, one of my favorite foods ever. I mean, my top 10 list is all butter. You understand that. But, you know, this makes it in my top 20. So for y'all, I'd like to share snow ice cream. That sounds good. I like ice cream.

That's a cute name. Sounds like... Is it coconut flavored? Because usually snow desserts still... Coconut theme, right? So my snow ice cream is good enough for y'all already. Is that right? I hope so. Sit down! Shut up!

Paula, Paula, Paula, here. Paula, just eat this. Eat this. Okay, do you feel better now? A little bit, yeah. Thank you. How long will the snow ice cream take to eat? It'll take about five minutes.

The prep time is about five minutes. Okay. Let's see here. Also, it'll give you eight to ten servings or one Paula Deen. Now, your ingredients. These are important, y'all. You're going to want

eight cups of snow. I'm from Alabama where it snows all the time. By snow, you mean... Cocaine. Yes. Okay. By snow, you mean the stuff that falls from the sky and it's...

Cocaine falls from the sky, yes. Snow. Yeah. Also, in addition to your snow, you're going to want one 14-ounce can of sweetened condensed milk. Then there's... Yeah, shut up, one teaspoon of vanilla extract. Now, for your directions. Wait, wait, that's it? Iced milk vanilla?

Yes. Okay. Not ice, by the way, snow. Sorry, sorry. You can't replace the ingredients. Come on. You're going to go messing around with it? You think it's going to turn out beautiful like Paula Deen does?

No, you go right with it. Right, right. Well, this has gotten five stars and 45 reviews, so clearly you know what you're doing. I would say so. All right, directions now. You're going to want to place the snow, or shaved ice, into a large bowl. Then you're going to want to pour the condensed milk over and you add the vanilla. You're going to mix it place the snow, or shaved ice, into a large bowl. Then you're going to want to pour the condensed milk over and you add the vanilla.

You're going to mix it together and then you serve it. And that's it. No, no, oh. What? Oh, God. Fuck you, I'm not going to do that. What the fuck would I do that? Don't you dare argue with Paula Deen.

She'll devour you. Wait. I will cover you in melted butter. I will do it. Paula Deen, that's just cold milk. I do like the serve. There's a serve immediately in bowls because I just picture somebody running with bowls. Quick, it's melting, it's melting.

I have to read Aaron Tank. Yeah, that's good. Okay. So my that's... Okay. So my account is... Who cares? But anyway, five stars. Hi, my name is Aaron Tank, and I live in Elkton, Maryland.

I love your recipe for snow ice cream. It is awesome. Hope you like it. Love, Aaron Tank. I'm eight years old, and I like fried chicken. God bless you, Aaron Tank. Can we get him as a guest on the show? You Paula Deen, you made the things with the butter.

You were right, poor Tex. That does look like poop. My name is Texas Foodie. I'm in Gainesville. And it's three. Miss Poe, I think the recipe is wonderful. And to those who say such negative things about it, like, oh, no, snow is dirty. Or Southerners, the letter R, not smart. If you knew how to read, you would see that the recipe clearly states

eight cups snow or shaved ice, so obviously shaved ice is what you use instead if snow is not good where you live. Again, great recipe. P.S. I am eight years old and I love French. All right. One last one from Paula Deen. Oh, dear.

Oh, God, it's so gross. All right. There you go. Oh, my. I wish that looked like poopoo. It would be memorable, yeah. So, yeah, so, Paula, I understand this is one of your other favorite recipes. Oh, indeed, y'all.

You said you had a ham, sort of ham food that you wanted to make us? Indeed, indeed. Okay, but I'm confused. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt you here. But this is a ham food, but this is from an episode called Gone Bananas. I don't understand how those two things. She's bananas for ham.

What is it called? Ham and banana almost rhyme. That's the thing. Oh, okay. Okay, that makes sense. What are you going to make for us today? I'm going to make y'all some cheesy ham and banana casserole. Just like Mama used to never make for me.

Damn it. Why do I keep inviting you back on my early morning talk show? Well, that's your fault, isn't it? You're a drinker, ain't you? Your recipe's sucking. You're really sur it? You're a drinker, ain't you? Your recipe's sucking. You're really surly. I'm a drinker, too. Anyhoo,

we're going to go right down to the ingredients, y'all. What's the first ingredient? Now, this is the thing we need the most of, and you might guess, it is butter. Wait, how much? All of it. How much butter you got, how much? All of it. How much butter you got? You skinny little bitch.

All of the butter in the world. I will say, breaking the fourth wall here, sometimes Bunny Bread does go off script. But the first ingredient is simply butter. It doesn't say how much butter. Even in butter.

If you don't have butter, drive to the store and get more butter. Yes, it doesn't say how much butter. Even in butter. If you don't have butter, drive to the store and get more butter. It's an ever-expanding butter universe. The more butter you have, go out and get more before you make this. If you are on a dairy farm, you still need to drive to the store. Go acquire another

neighboring dairy farm. Alright, alright, alright. You still need to drive to the store. Go acquire another neighboring dairy farm. All right, all right, all right. So we have butter. What else are we getting here? What the hell else do we need now, smart man? All right. So I guess we could add some more things into it for Mr. Fancy Pants over here. Well, yeah, you said ham, banana, casserole.

I don't know what any of those words mean. That means butter, right? Soon. All right. But I guess since Mr. Fancy wants his little ingredients, we'll do some, let's say about 12 slices of white bread. It's the greatest thing since white bread. Also, I want to add up to 20 evenly.

So we're going to do eight large slices of deli ham. And I don't know how to count. So four bananas. You're going to slice them right there on the bias. I don't know where that is. You're going to do two cups of shredded cheddar, of course. It's capitalized. Okay, so we have ham.

We have banana. I don't really think it sounds good, but that's what we're going with. Let's just start, right? No. That's all there is, right? There's nothing else. Ham and banana casserole. You forgot the things that go into casserole. Oh, okay. What else goes in casserole?

Well, for starters, you need two cups of shredded cheddar, and then there's also two cups of crushed potato chips. God damn it! Slices of cooked and crumbled bacon. Then there's also the need for four large eggs, one cup of milk, one cup of cream, and a pinch of freshly grated nutmeg.

Oh, gross. Yeah, I know. It ruins the flavor of all that sweet banana bacon action. With the ham, too. Yeah, that's true. And so then we're going to be doing the salt and the freshly ground black pepper. I don't give a two shits if you throw that in.

You know where this came from? Paula Deen just made this out of things she found in her couch cushions. There's some white bread, there's some ham, I found some bananas. You're going to want to add your TV remote. I have four large eggs. Oh, some cheese.

Okay, so Paula Deen, I assume that you then just pile all this shit into a pan and then you bake it, but how long do I need to bake it for and how do I serve it? You're going to say that you'll bake for 45 minutes until brown and bubbly. You're going to cut into squares and remove it with a spatula

like lasagna. Kind of like lasagna. Right. Because when I think bacon and ham and bananas, I want it to be brown and bubbly. We skipped over the part where she

talks about layering everything. So this really is lasagna. Hey guys, I'm Ryan472. Hey Ryan, what do you have to say? I made this for my family and a couple friends last night and I got mixed reviews. I think the main complaint was that the food seemed a bit fatty.

Just a little. Maybe because of the butter or maybe the cream. Or maybe the bacon. Modified low-fat version. If anyone has a suggestion, I would like to know. Don't eat it. The low-fat version is an empty pan.

If you want a low-fat version, I guess a banana? Is the next one for Jimmy Franks? Let's see. What's next? I just pasted it. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Oh, no. All right. So we're going back to the amateurs now. Oh, dear. Gourmet Fox, I understand you have a lovely varietal you want to introduce us to Yes, yes, this is an

excellent base for homemade liquors Substitute chocolate, coconut, or any flavoring desired for vanilla extract, and you will have made a different flavor alcohol Food coloring can also be added to the cooled mixture to add a bit of pizzazz to your alcohol drinks. Perfect for warming up parties during the winter holidays.

I love pizzazz. Wait, you know, I don't actually think... Nowhere on this paperwork here does it say what you're going to make for us. What are you making here? It is an enigma. It's non-Euclidean liquor. I'm not asking you. I'm asking Gourmet Fox. Well, perhaps the ingredients will give you a clue.

One half cup sugar. One half cup water. One half cup vodka. And two teaspoons vanilla extract, which is really just more alcohol. Oh, so we're making vanilla sugar

vodka water. Yeah, pizza. No, it's homemade liquor. It's absolutely perfect for the hummingbird in your life. Sandra Lee of hummingbirds. Fat hummingbird.

So directions. In a saucepan, combine sugar and water. Bring a mixture to a boil. Then reduce the heat to low and let simmer for five minutes. Remove from heat and cool to room temperature. Number two. Pour vodka and vanilla extract into the room temperature mixture. Pour the liquor into a

sealable decanter, seal, and store for at least two weeks before serving. That'll help. Yeah, absolutely. But I want to get drunk and go into a diabetic shock now. You know, when I make a white Russian, I always like to store it

for two weeks to make sure that the flavors meld. That's essentially what this is. It's a shitty mixed drink. Yeah. I think he just made simple syrup. Yeah, he really did. I wanted to do my trilogy here. Okay.

I don't want to spoil what's the trilogy of. Okay, good. Yeah. I will paste the links in here. So the first one here is called The Millionaire Date Loaf. I don't know what it is, but I like it already. Yes. I am M-Anne.

That's like when, in like a movie, a woman's like trying to disguise herself as a man or something. Her name is M-Anne. M-Anne. Hello, I am Greg M-Anne. This is as good as this Millionaire Date Loaf. This is as good as the old-fashioned Date Loaf, but much easier and almost fail-proof. Almost. So I'm just going to tell you what's in this shit, okay?

Right, yeah. All right, four and a half cups white sugar. Of course. One can of evaporated milk. right. Four and a half cups white sugar. Of course. One can of evaporated milk. Duh. One package of chopped dates. Obviously. Two cups of marshmallow creme.

Yes. Two cups of chopped pecans. And then one teaspoon of vanilla extract. Okay. So what you got is some sugar slop, right? With some dates floating in it? Well, yeah, some fluffy sugar slop. I wouldn't expect any less.

The return of the fat hummingbird. Yeah, yeah. What you do is you slop all that in a pan, and then you cool it, and then you pull it out, and then you eat it. So that's the millionaire date loaf, okay? Okay. So we're going to move on to the second recipe here. Okay.

All right. Since last recipe I showed you there, I've changed my name. Okay. So this is going to be a better recipe, right? Yeah, my name's Kathy Scott. Because that was pretty disappointing. Yeah. You're shitting me.

What are you making? What I got for you right now is some Cinnamon Whippersnappers No fun I love cinnamon When you want a sweet treat without heating up the oven Make these in a snap on top of the stove Okay, sure

So here's what you want to put in this You want to put a quarter cup of butter sweet treat without heating up the oven. Make these in a snap on top of the stove. Okay, sure. Here's what you want to put in this. You want to put a quarter cup of butter. You want to put five cups of miniature marshmallows. You want a half teaspoon of ground cinnamon. You want four cups of unseasoned croutons. You want a half cup of chopped pecans and a half cup of raisins.

I took a left turn. Alright. So what you do is you melt all this shit together and you put it in a pan and you scoop it out and eat it. This really... God, I'm sorry, Boots. We don't... One more chance.

It's me again. This is the last recipe. I had to go into hiding. I changed my name again. So now I'm called Robin Heaven. And I'm here to tell you about my heavenly marshmallow salad. I swear to God, this better

be good. This is your last fucking chance. Yeah, it is. How could you possibly go wrong with heavenly marshmallow salad, right? Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost of food goo. Alright, what this is is a molded marshmallow salad that you can't get enough of. Alright, well, alright, last chance. This better be good.

Okay, you start off with two jars of pimento cheese spread. God damn it! One can of crushed pineapple. Drained. My favorite, two cups of miniature marshmallows. Hey, wait a second. Rede pineapple, drained. My favorite, two cups of miniature marshmallows. Redeemed, okay.

And two containers of frozen whipped topping, thawed. So, you can just call it two containers of unfrozen whipped topping. Sorry, I suppose you all want to know how to make this, right? Hell yes.

You mix all that shit together in a bowl, and then you scoop it out and eat it. Yay. Now, is there like a fourth recipe where you combine the previous three and stick them all together? I call that the Heavenly Millionaire Whippersnapper Date Salad.

I call it Glop All Capital Letters 3! Alright, booze, my lawyers have told me that I need to give you a severance package. Here's $5. Please never call my office again. Have a nice life. Aww. Aww.

Alright, this is another kid-friendly recipe. This is, uh. This is ribs. Well, I should say it's ribs for kids. Yay! Ribs for kids. Okay. These are awesome ribs. Tubular.

Yeah, don't read ahead because it's ribs for kids. For kids. For kids. This is by Valerie Walker. This is one of my standby recipes, reports Valerie Walker of Bradley, South Carolina. That's me, but I'm talking to the third person. I always... Oh, wait, never mind.

I don't want to tell you what I always have. Never mind. Are you sure? Because that line's pretty good. But I don't want to spoil anything. All right, so it's ribs for kids. Okay, so what you're going to need is an onion, some vegetable oil, some water, ketchup, cider vinegar, sugar, Worcestershire sauce, ground mustard, paprika, hot pepper sauce. And now at this point, you're going, you're waiting for the ribs, right?

Sure. You don't exactly need ribs. You need hot dogs. You need hot dogs for this. Hot dogs? Wait. Does the hot dog have like one big rib in it? I kiddin'. We got some really subpar hot dogs here.

Valerie Walker, explain yourself. Well, I always have wieners on hand, but it's easy to dress them up with a tangy homemade barbecue sauce to create ribs that youngsters love. So anyway, what you do is you take all your rib shit, you put that in a pan,

right? And then you cut hot dogs in half lengthwise and then widthwise. You put that in a pan, put the other shit on it, and then it's ribs for kids. Because kids just don't give a fuck. Kids are stupid.

Ribs for nihilists. Make sure that your kids associate barbecue ribs with hot dog shit. Yeah, in school they're going to think that their body is just full of hot dogs. So can we Valerie Walker's going to receive a call from Child Protective Services Mom I think I broke one of my hot dogs

Knock knock knock, knock. Who is it? It's the police for kids. This is Valerie Walker saying kids will eat fucking anything. What is this food chest? This is so gross. It's vegetable pizza, too. I don't even know.

Kumquat. I guess you get this. So Vegetable Pizza 1 is actually inferior to this? No, no, no. You're all wrong. This is Vegetable Pizza the second. The squeakle.

Son of Vegetable Pizza, the reckoning. It's a quilt. Oh, yeah. This is for AIDS awareness, isn't it? I don't want to spoil anything, but just contemplate what might be missing from the ingredient list.

Oh no. No, you're not. Alright, let's continue. Oh no. A delicious appetizer pizza. Choose your own assortment of veggies to top this delicious pizza with. Ingredients.

Two packages refrigerated crescent rolls. One package ranch dressing mix. Okay, maybe it's just for flavoring. Let's give it a chance. One cup mayonnaise. Okay, that's required by law. One cup sour cream. One package cream cheese.

Oh my god. If it's white and gooey, it's going on this thing. Oh, don't say it like that. Cum pizza two. That's what Kathy said. Cum pizza one was pretty good. Oh, yeah, I know, but they didn't demand

a sequel or anything. It pretty much wrapped itself up, didn't it? Dolph Lundgren's best performance, I gotta say. Just to recap, Direction 3. Direction number 3 is worth reading.

In medium- sized mixing bowl mix French dressing mix, mayonnaise sour cream, and cream cheese until well blended We don't give a fuck anymore, why not? Just do it God damn it Put it on sheets of butcher paper What the fuck, who cares?

Put it on sheets of butcher paper. What the fuck? Who cares? Put it on the newspaper. Alright. Alright. Wait, I want to know how these vegetables got into the mix considering all the ingredients that were listed earlier. You pick them yourself. Oh, I see.

You know, yeah. Let's be honest. Whoever's making this is just going to drink all this up. They have no self-respect. They're not going to make it. And then just rub the uncooked, unrolled Crescent Rolls on their body and cry for the rest of the night. Oh, Crescent Roll cum pizza, you won't leave me. Jimmy Franks, take that review, please, by Sun Sticker.

Oh, yes. Sun Sticker. This really yes. Sunsticker. This really is the best way to make vegetable pizza. Is it? Without fucking vegetables. I used an extra half package of cream cheese, though, because it was too tangy. Oh, yeah.

It was so intense. Ooh, crescent rolls. I like them, but they're so spicy. Jesus Christ. What was it? It was the ranch dressing mix that was really burning your tongue. The five onion molecules in that were too much. Yeah, I'm guessing it was one pepper. What else did you do with it, though? The five onion molecules in that were too much.

Yeah, I'm guessing it was one pepper. What else did you do with it, though? I used a food processor to shred up cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots. It ground them into a kind of crunchy power. It was neat. Crunchy power. Then I sprinkled the top with shredded cheddar cheese. Good stuff! I tried my hardest to disguise the fact there were vegetables on this.

Well, the thing is, no, no, no, because Sunsticker never says that they actually put the cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots on there. So that might just be an anecdote. This one time, I shredded the... Those vegetables are probably still in the food processor today. Yeah, exactly. It just went off on a tangent. I used a food processor to chop them up. It was pretty neat. Shredded up cauliflower screaming

at it. Fuck you, vegetables! Nob was like, hey, that turned into dust. That was pretty cool. Trash. I did the same thing to my iPhone. Up next, I can't believe I'm bringing you back on the show, Boots, after his last recipe. But, I know

you've taken some Paxil and I think you want to introduce us to the stupid to a recipe anyway. You want to introduce us to a recipe. Yeah. Yeah. Settle down.

Settle down. I will not settle down. Not while this is on my screen. Looks like maggots on top of poop. Please tell me your whole name, Boots. I am the gestalt entity of Muffin Mom and Garlic Girl. And I've got a thing. We have become one.

Okay, alright. This doesn't have marshmallow on it, does it? No. What are you making for us? The thing I'm making for you is called Stupid Hot Dog Thing. That's what my mom always used to call me, too. My mom

used to make this for me growing up. It got its name when she couldn't find a recipe card, got frustrated, and asked where the recipe for the stupid hot dog thing was. You didn't know I threw it away. The rest is history. Stupid hot dog history.

So yeah. Stupid hot dog thing, you start by finding a bunch of packaged elbow macaroni, that tablespoon of butter the package of hot dogs sliced a can of tomato sauce

three and a half cups of milk and then this really makes it it's a package of processed cheese food. Such as Velveeta. And you're going to cut that in small cubes. Okay.

I was thinking the only thing that recipe missed was flavored plastic. So, and then the first step, I'd normally tell you how to cook macaroni, but you probably know how to do that. I don't know how to cook bacon foot, so. And then you cook the hot dogs and some butter. And then, yeah, the tomato sauce, milk, cheese food.

Cook and stir it until the cheese food is melted completely. Sure, okay. Then what? Pull the macaroni into the cheese mixture and then fucking eat it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You fucking totally missed a step.

Okay, so you continue cooking until thoroughly hot for about five minutes. Yeah. until thoroughly hot. Right. Five minutes. Yeah. And serve hot. Do you? Do you? It seems like you have to throw it in the refrigerator afterwards.

It's a stupid hot dog thing. No, you serve hot. Oh. And you fucking eat it. Okay. I really wish that was actually in the recipe. What's your cooking level? I have no idea.

No, according to your profile, according to your profile, your cooking level is... Well, I'm an expert. Well, she's, to be fair, the only recipe she submitted was this one. She's an expert at stupid hot dog thing, right? Yeah, she's true. Nobody makes it better.

Stupid hot dog thing. If you like stupid hot dog thing, also check out fucking ham. Alright, last one here. This is the yummy cheese ball. All right. All right. Last one here. This is the yummy cheese ball. Oh, God.

I can tell. John. Okay. Okay. Well, my name is Tap Cat. A tasty cheese and bacon cheese ball. Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese. Best served with buttery crackers.

Ingredients. One pound of bacon. Of course. Two eight ounce packages cream cheese, softened. Yeah. Three tablespoons of mayonnaise. And some green onions and pecans, whatever. Directions.

Form into a fucking ball. Oh. Well, I would like to point out direction number three is before serving, roll the cheese balls and the chopped pecans. This is a perfect time to evaluate where you're going in life. I beg you all to click on the picture for that one. Because he gives somebody's alternate version of it. Of course.

And they're like nothing alike. Of course, they've crushed up potato chips and covered the cheese ball with that. Somebody should take that first review, though. The one by BethyB1? No, BethyB1. All right.

My name is Bethybe. I'm score one. I must preface this review by saying that my mother-in-law always asks me to bring a lettuce salad to family dinners because I assume that she thinks that it's the only thing I can make, which by the way is simply not true I love that she specifies lettuce salad Your lettuce salad

to die for. No longer bologna salad, alright? We're just sick of it. Nobody eats it. She kept bringing taco salad. So after trying this recipe at a bridal shower, I called her up and I told her that this is what I was bringing to Christmas.

This is what I'm bringing for Jesus' birth. I'll fucking show her. She reluctantly agreed. When we arrived for Christmas dinner, I saw that my mother-in-law had made a cheese ball herself and had it sitting out on the table. Cheese balls? Gross!

Here, I brought a cheese ball. I refused to give up, so I sat my cheese ball down next to hers. By the end of the night, everyone was raving about my cheese ball and had scraped the plate clean. Oh, my God. What about her cheese ball? Yeah, her cheese ball, however, only had a couple of bites taken out of it. Bitch!

She ended up wrapping hers up and putting it back in the fridge. Ha ha! Victory is mine! Oh my god. Fuck you, whore. Jesus Christ. Thank you so much for this wonderful recipe and the small gratification I got from making it. I added a little garlic powder and onion powder

and I usually use about four green onions. This is the best cheese ball ever! 144 users found this review helpful. Finally, I'm going to show my mother-in-law who's boss. Thanks, cheese ball. And nobody ate salad. It was the best Christmas ever.

Actually, actually, 141 users found this review helpful. That's because there's 141 psychiatrists that all reviewed this. Hello, Allrecipes. I have issues with my family. Number one. And there we go.

Around about an hour of... John, what did you learn? Stop that. Ah, there we go. Around about an hour of... John, what did you learn? Stop that. Ah, there we go. There we go. Well, what I learned, besides apparently I still have an appetite during horrible things,

is that, okay, it's easy to make fun of, you know, somebody putting hot dogs and molasses in a pan and baking it for five hours. Horrid stuff that fun of, you know, somebody putting hot dogs and molasses in a pan and baking it for five hours. Really easy. Horrid stuff that, like, you know, your aunt brings to the potluck and everybody hates. Easy and fun. Exactly. No, I'm not saying we shouldn't because we very much should.

But the thing that gets me is, like, what was her name? Sandra Lee and Paula. People are getting paid money and probably good money to promote horrid food really bad food on television yeah on table television i know well there's a there's a thing you know uh uh bourdain used to have a show on uh food network oh yeah no reservations right or no no it was before that. It was X2, I believe. So he had a show on Food Network and he cannot talk enough shit about it. It's been years.

And he still wants to say everything bad about that network. And the interesting thing that he's talking about is that you have two types of shows. There's the type of show on Food Network where, like, Jamie Oliver is on Food Network because it doesn't matter what the fuck he's making.

Americans don't really understand his accent anyway. You know, Vietnamese food in fucking middle America is just not going to happen. But, you know, he's cute. He's a British guy with the last name Oliver. Right. Americans are like... Yeah, and so people are just going to watch, and the food is irrelevant. Right.

American people like it. Yeah, and so people are just going to watch, and the food is irrelevant. And then there's the people that actually, like, this is the food that you're going to make, and that's your Paula Deans and your Rachel Ray's and your, and it's just, I hate when a recipe has lower standards than I do. You know, it's like, hey, you're going to make roasted chicken. First up, take some canned chicken. Like, no fucking like if I decide if I decide to make to make a recipe with skinless, boneless chicken, that should be not what the recipe says to do. That should be me going, oh, I bet I can get away with this. Like, I don't want the recipe to just.

Yeah, it's just and it's just so pointless, too, because too because i mean i guess they want to branch out to demographics get people from the homeland whatever but the thing is you know i don't need somebody telling me hey take a bunch of frosting mix what makes frosting and then like put it in the fridge i can do that it'll taste like shit and i know it because that's all i have left in my fridge is the stuff to make that i I don't need somebody telling me this. I don't turn on, I wouldn't turn on the food channel to say, hey, I wonder if they can tell me how to make a sandwich out of everything left in the fridge. It harkens back to wiki hell because, you know, what I eat sometimes is potato chips

and dip. And that's because I know that I put the one thing in the other thing. But somewhere down the line, some person decided, oh shit, I should put a recipe together for fucking chips and dip in case somebody doesn't get how this works. And really, I just gotta get back to the point that so many of these recipes both on, I think, both on the

Food Network and on All Recipes, so many of them were born from, I've got five things left in my fridge. Let's see what, if I can put them together and somebody else will survive eating it. Absolutely. The website is always thefpl.us Leave comments, like us on the Facebook,

send us your recipes, and we won't eat them. And, as always, eat a stupid hot dog thing. Good night. I would read to you. This is one by Rachel Ray. It's Anna Maria's Ruladen, which I would read to you

except for it's too long. So instead, I'm just going to share with you that right there. It looks like... What does it look like? What does it look like? It looks like Leeju's covered in poo-poo.

I thought you'd say poo-poo pancakes. Oh, damn. Poop cakes with little eggs or foam or something. Like poop crepes. Poop crepes. They look like leeches. Yeah, yeah. Poop crepes.

Yeah, they're lampreys or whatever. They're staring right at us. Yeah, lampreys built covered in poopy. Poo-poo. There we go. Poop-poo.