The F Plus - 75: If I Could Turn Back Time, I'd Still Cut You In Half

Episode Date: June 1, 2012

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange taught us a couple things about the world we live in. Firstly, it turns out that Steve Martin's hair may actually just be that color. But only slightly less shocking is the revelation that our government is keeping secrets from us. Millions of secrets! And yeah, some of them might involve the United States bombing our own journalists, but the folks at Above Top Secret have unraveled even deeper mysteries. Did you know that you can jump higher during the night time? It's true! Just don't bother testing that empirically because the Government will probably falsify your records. This week, The F Plus is breaking the laws of thermodynamics.

I think that airplane's putting chemicals in the sky. Ah! Come on, fucking guy. At night I can't sleep. I toss and turn. Candlesticks in the dark. Visions of bodies being burned. Four walls just staring at a nigga.

I'm paranoid sleeping with my finger on the trigger. My mother's always stressing I ain't living right. But I ain't going out without a fight. See, every time my eyes close, I start sweating. And blood starts coming out my nose. It's somebody watching me act, but I don't know who it is, so I'm watching my back. I can see them when I'm deep in the covers. When I awake, I don Fonzfahiss. Yeah. And I'm Isfahn.

That's my pseudonym. Okay, um, so how are you guys doing tonight? I gotta tell you, Lemon, I have learned so much, and now they are after me. They are. I saw them back there. Yeah, they're after him. Who's

after you exactly? They! Them! I don't understand who that is. The problem is I know too much. He does. And if I... What do you know about?

He told me everything. I don't want to curse you with knowledge. A time-traveling wizard told me that the Illuminati has hired pterodactyls to blow up the Large Hadron Collider underneath Paris. It's true. I saw it. There's like dino riders, man. They're covered in all sorts of technology. Yeah, the internet has blown the lid off it.

There's a site, abovetopsecret.com, and if you go there, you too will know too much. So don't go there. Oh, I see what's happening here. Our Finnish friend Montreth showed you guys Above Top Secret, didn't she? Don't use a real name! I didn't.

Her real name clearly isn't Montreth. So she showed you Above Top Secret, and now you're sort of down this rabbit hole. And now I am cursed with knowledge. Well, you know, knowledge is power, so... Readers, assemble! Because I'm paranoid. I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping around corners

My mind is playing tricks on me In the room tonight we have Isfahan Birds in Michigan are a lie Kumquats are fat girls are not a lie Boots are in gear Fortune cookies are a lie Portex? Alfred Russell Wallace riding a pterodactyl is a lie Our specialots, rain gear. Fortune cookies are a lie. Portex. Alfred Russell Wallace riding a pterodactyl is a lie.

Our special guest, one more of the Race for Ridiculism winners. This is Montreth. Pony dinosaur is a lie. And Lemon. Ba-ba-dee-ba-da-ba this is a lie. Alright, uh... So, tell me a little

bit about Above Top Secret, would you, Montreth? Ah, okay. So basically, it's a page for, how do they describe themselves? Denying ignorance. Oh, good. all the alternative theories that never get picked up by the mainstream media or, you know, people with actual brains and... So it's conspiracy potpourri. Yeah, yeah. It's a house for all the nutjobs in the internet. I mean, basically it's so great because you have the extreme, you know, God is the creator of all and blah blah blah.

Okay. Then you have, on the other hand, you have the Illuminati is actually controlling the US government. And then you have your alien people who have their own forum. And you have your your you know, whatever world ends in 2012 people and they're all in this you know, big melting pot of crazy

Do they get along well? Because it seems like there would be a lot of infighting, no? Well yes, that's why it's so fun I mean, I did... In the document that I sent Lemon, I did put this post where this was... Let's see if I can find it.

It was something like... You know, why do people deny that demons are actually aliens? And then right after that, there was a post that said why do people say that aliens are not demons? Oh, that's a slap fight for the ages. Alright, well, I think let's

I think the good place to start is let's talk about immigrants. Don't you think? That's a good place to start. Kum's talk about immigrants. Don't you think? That's a good place to start. Yeah. Yeah. Kumquat, do you want to take this thread here? Yes.

Immigration is a part, like separate from, of the NWO agenda. Right, it broke off from the NWO agenda. Right, it broke off from the NWO agenda. Page one. HCS members have flagged this thread four times. For what? For being too close to the truth. Yeah, there's probably somebody who just goes around and flags

everything. They're performing semaphore. It's an American flag that you just put on things. The dissolution of America. Please bear in mind that there is a single political Illuminati agenda, and that is the creation of a one-world feudal government. Yeah, we're on a conspiracy theory website, so we all know that. That was kind of what we all thought going in, right?

The illegal aliens... Are we talking about actual aliens? I hope we'll find out. Shouting in the street for their rights and brazenly marching with the Mexican flag held high do not know that. Nor do they see the part that they are playing and effecting that goal.

The Illuminati agenda requires the destruction of the United States politically, economically, and militarily, and the flooding of this country with political aliens is part of that agenda. Unquote. Keep in mind, this is the sensible part of this country with the lyrical aliens is part of that agenda. Unquote. Keep in mind, this is the sensible part of this post. Yeah, it's like when you're gonna write

crap and then you just start out with a Foucault at the beginning to make your shit look more classy. This is the classy quote that he put in the front. Dash Ken Adachi. Oh, sure, him. Okay. What? The New Jersey dentist who has just been

recently brought up on charges for falsifying records serves as an example. What? Though I could write about this for a bit. I will try to keep it simple. America, and I'm not just talking about white people with picket fences and Buicks

Yes you are is a land made up as a dice functional family Relatively, in a few short years, Dash we have fought amongst each other again and again with the understanding that we are all in this thing together

Dash, and that the end the end result will and should be better for all of us. Uh. Oh. Oh! Already lost you, but yeah, please, go on. If you ask a child what they would

want to be when they grow up whose parents have been born in America, you would be hard-pressed to find a one that says a financial analyst, a corporate lawyer, etc. Okay.

From a early age, we want to help people, inspire people. We want to be firefighters and doctors and singers. I want to be a dinosaur. Fuck you. Because all children know are aware of all possible career paths when they're very young.

A young Indian guy once told me that he wanted to be a doctor because it was a good job. His parents had pretty much made the decision for him. Do you want a doctor who views your health as a 9-5? All doctors view it that way. Wait, you want a doctor who views your health as a 9-5? All doctors

view it that way. No, I want a doctor that views it as a... What? What are you talking about? He's saying, like, oh, do you want a doctor that only sees it as a job, or do you want a doctor who, like, very much cares about you personally? And it's like, every

fucking doctor sees it as a job. I guess I don't want a general practitioner who's volunteer. Yeah. I prefer not to have that, actually. I think he's also implying that American kids, if they want to be a doctor, it would only be because they want to help people.

Whereas foreigners would only want to be a doctor for the money. Because there's definitely no doctors that are in it for the money. Sure, that's a good point, I guess. Whatever. Yeah. Oh! The Latino people have never

had a revolution! Not one. Not one. Guys, can you think of any? I can't even think of one. No! They don't know what they're missing. South American revolutionaries? Guys, can you think of any? I can't even think of one. No. They don't know what they're missing. South American revolutionaries, those don't exist.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Dash, they are a submissive people. Have you ever met a hot-tempered Latino? Che Guevara was a power bottom. You guys can have the Alamo if you want, I just, you know, win. And we'll do the bidding for the powers that be for cents on the dollar. They are the modern

day indentured servant. Dash, grateful for the scraps thrown from the table. The denticle and medical and law schools filled to the brim with Asian and Indian students are from a culture where parenthesis

due to the powers that be Dash and no fault of their own parenthesis corruption is a rule of law and one must do whatever at anyone's expense in order to survive. Prove him wrong. So some general racism, but it's kind of, I mean, I feel like your racism is kind of unfocused. I might want to hone that down a little bit. has misled the people into believing that the Mexican

work ethic, the Indian resorkfulness, and the Asian intelligence is something we should all expire to be like. I would die to be as smart as an Asian person.

At my funeral, I'll use every part of the buffalo. This is like the racist version of Bravestar. The power of the Asian. That's true for the nation's GDP and good old-fashioned capitalism, Dash, but what are these countries' quality of life like? I have no idea what country you're talking about, so I don't know. The countries of Mexicans, Indians, and Asians.

The country of not-white, not-white Adonians. Non-existent. They have no quality of life. The quality of life is completely absent. It is a null value. Life doesn't exist. We need to stop looking at modern day immigration from a America is changing because I'm white

and dollars and cents perspective dash and view it for what it really is. A global agenda. I don't understand what he's trying to say there. A global agenda. I don't know either, but Jibba Jabba does because he responds,

Yup, all part of the master plan. Maybe he's being sarcastic. Maybe he's encouraging people. I doubt that let me hold out hope please let me just

have this one thing one thing I've learned from above top secret dot com is that sarcasm does does not appear

to exist very much so I feel like it's been I don't know it's been like 15 minutes and we haven't talked about Bigfoot at all yeah

so to that end poor Tex why we haven't talked about Bigfoot at all. Yeah. So to that end, poor Tex, you have a question about Bigfoot, if I'm not mistaken? This is in the Cryptozoology and Mythical Beasts for Monsters. And I want to know, my name is Blockula. As in Eastern Block, yeah? Yeah. my name is Blockula. Is that a first call? As in Eastern Block, yeah? Yeah.

My name is Blockula. He's a Lego vampire. Oh, sure. And I want to know, why are these high strangeness Bigfoot encounters ignored by the mainstream? Question mark, comma. Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman, Yowie, Skunk Ape, Wendigo, Swamp Monster, those creatures go by many names. They may be interdimensional creatures,

projected holograms, thought forms, a type of spirit or ghost, living ancestors, a gigantopithecus, or any combination of things, or are they something else? Well, you just covered all of it right there. Yeah! One of those things is probably true. Wait, wait, was fake one of them?

That was the Pokemon rap of Professor Paul James. There are multitudes of high strangeness reports during the 1800s all the way through the 20th century and beyond involving these creatures that are quote-unquote totally ignored

on numerous television documentaries I've seen about Bigfoot, and these types of encounters cannot be denied by anyone who wants to seriously try to figure out what these things really are. I gotta say, they weren't ignored by In Search Of.

Leonard Nimoy was on the ball with this one. The problem with that show Chasing Bigfoot is they don't talk about Bigfoot enough. They don't talk about Bigfoot holograms enough. Yeah, Chasing Bigfoot doesn't matter. This person's standing up in their living room. But what about the projected holograms?

I also love the idea of high strangeness. Like getting a telegram with a meter on the right side that has like strangeness. Like, getting a telegram with a meter on the right side that has, like, strangeness 10. It's like shooting through the roof. That's what the PKE meter is measuring. You didn't know that. Yeah. Over the years, I've read dozens of non-fiction books

about Bigfoot. And I have come to realize that they have left tracks across open fields and snow that suddenly stop and go nowhere. They can fly. They can travel over 300 miles in a day.

They have been seen shapeshifting into other creatures. They have been shot at point-blank range, and they disappeared in a blinding flash. Oh my god! Joe and Ocean! We got some new powers now. That's great. I think that's Q.

I don't think that's... I need you to eat my fleas, Picard. They have been seen outside of houses by people experiencing poltergeist activity within. So people are inside the house and there's all this poltergeist shit going on. They look out the window and, oh, fuck, Bigfoot, too.

Don't that beat all. When it rains, it pours. Isn't that the director's cut ending of Paranormal Activity? Is there a Bigfoot outside? Did it all on? No, the Bigfoot's just a poltergeist voyeur fetishist. Oh, sure. Well, that makes two of us.

They have been seen entering and exiting flying saucers. Yay! They have been seen standing 10 and even 12 feet tall. Here we go. This is definitely Joan Ocean. Yeah. They have been seen materializing into view and then dematerializing.

No, she was fooled into only thinking they dematerialized. Oh, that's right, yeah. They have been seen with ripped clothing, too small for their bodies, hanging off of them. So they're the Incredible Hulk? That's werewolves? They're either werewolves or the Incredible Hulk, yes. I was thinking more of those women who...

I'm a size 2. I've always been a size 2, you know. They're just fat. I swear to God, my feet fit into these shoes yesterday. Please don't call me bigfoot. What's a shrunk in the wash? I don't know. They have been seen covered in either white, brown, gray, yellow, red, or black fur. So, not purple.

Not purple. What is this? Just to break away, so this person's saying, you know, in chasing Bigfoot, they've never pointed out that sometimes there's brown Bigfoot. Like, these are things people are ignoring, right? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Okay, whatevs. They have been seen swimming across ponds and lakes and beneath clear, unbroken ice. That's a seal, but cool. They have been seen with pointed ears, protruding fangs, and glowing red or yellow eyes. Wait, really? Okay. Yeah. Bigfoot is also a vampire. Yeah.

Sure. I mean, why not? Have we not considered that Bigfoot might be a vampire, guys? Well, he's a hologram and a werewolf and a ghost, so I don't see why he can't be a vampire. Guys, let's not be unrealistic. Bigfoot is clearly the same thing as Chupacabra. The Chupacabra form is later.

They have been seen with dead deer thrown over their shoulders. Sure. They gotta eat. They have been seen carrying clubs made from large tree branches. They're cavemen now. Why are you getting more reasonable near the end? They might be aliens, and this part might sound crazy.

They might be carrying clothes, too. They have opposable thumbs! Dun, dun, dun! I think this is the plot twist is going to be, and they're me. I'm Bigfoot. They've been seen carrying living dogs and other live animals.

They've been seen right behind you! Bigfoot has pets. Yes. They have been seen running next to and keeping pace with cars, driving down expressways. Really? 100 miles a day. Okay.

Bigfoot Hill. So they have to slow down to, you know, drive in the highway. Yeah. They have been seen digging with their hands into the ground inside old graveyards. So they can't use shovels? What the fuck, Bigfoot? No, that would require, you know, they don't go into new graveyards. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, old graveyards. They have telepathically communicated with people. Sure. Of course. Yeah. Who hasn't? communicated with people.

Sure, of course. You and Joan Ocean, yeah. Who hasn't? They have been seen and heard screaming and growling like some kind of enraged beast. Almost as if they're a Sasquatch or something. Those and other types of quote-unquote high strangeness encounters happen again and again,

and they are suppressed from the mainstream, hushed up and all, but ignored and forgotten, even by most well-known Bigfoot researchers. They're pretty shitty Bigfoot researchers if they forget half the shit about Bigfoot. It's almost like

the bar is pretty low for well-known Bigfoot researchers. The darker side of the reality involving Bigfoot is too much for most people to handle. The high strangeness, which is not in quotes anymore, aspects are too weird and bizarre to face and admit into their reality and so denial becomes the accepted norm as usual. Here are the sum of the many high strangeness Bigfoot sightings and encounters links. I would love to hear

this guy's conspiracy theories on the relationship of commas and spaces not being allowed with commas. Yeah, and also using ellipses as periods. And these links are things like Squidoo.com

where people are talking about Bigfoot books. Oh, well, I don't know. I guess. I mean, I don't know if I believe in Bigfoot at all. I mean, I know, you know, we seem to cover it a lot on this podcast, but I feel like I doubt Bigfoot a little bit.

Now, pterodactyls, on the other hand... I love pterodactyls, on the other hand... I love pterodactyls. That's hard science. Montress, will you tell us about your pterodactyl sighting? This is also from the Cryptozoology sub-forum. My name is Jade2010. This thread is called, I swear I saw a petrodactyl.

I know it sounds crazy, but here's my story. Saturday, February 5th, 2011 at approximately 5.30pm I saw what looked to me to be a petrodactyl. I was driving my car and was stopped at a light waiting to turn onto the highway when this bird flew in front of my windshield. This happened in Michigan, and it is extremely cold out due to the recent blizzards. I said, oh my god,

I almost hit a freaking pterodactyl. There is no possible way this bird was actually a bird. Pterodactyls are bird. They're attackable birds. They're pterosaurs. Crap. Are they closely related to birds? No, they're not.

There is evidence, though. Oh. I looked at the SUV next to me to see if the people were shocked looking. They weren't. And I continued to turn onto the highway. The bird was big. About as long as my windshield. Beak to tail.

It had big wings, but was not flapping them. It was more of a coast by my windshield, very close to my car. The bird had no feathers. The skin looked like a bat kind of looks with bones and skin. It was a blue-ish slash green color, kind of like a dark aqua slash teal-ish color. I would think that I'm losing my mind, except my ten-year-old daughter was in my backseat, and she

saw it too! I said to her, did you see that giant bird? And her reply was, birds have feathers, that was a reptile. Anyways, We came home It's a pterosaur Pterodactyl

Yay Poor Tex wishes she was in that I know I would have hugged it She's in the backseat Oh no That was a pterodactyl No

No I would jump out and hug it Hug pterodactyl Fly away on it Okay Anyways We came home And she drew a picture of it If I can figure out How to put it on here, I will.

I have been searching... Technology! I keep trying to shove the paper into my computer monitor, but it doesn't show up. She tried doing a rubbing. I have been searching the internet for types of Michigan birds, and the closest thing I could find was a picture of a blue heron. The only problem with that is I did not see feathers on my

bird. And the websites say that the blue heron is usually found in the summer in Michigan, not in the middle of winter by a highway. Any ideas on what the heck I saw? The ornithology guidebook says bird habitats not by highway.

Yeah. Not on your windshield. I looked it up. There are no birds on windshields. All right. Well, here's the important thing, guys. I just came up with an idea. Came up with a good idea about chemtrails.

Oh, good. This just occurred to me. Oh, good, good. Finally. Hey, guys! Yes? I'm me. Oh, good, good. Finally. Hey, guys! Yeah? I'm Tercey's Pot Evoba. Sure you are.

Yeah. Tercey's Pot Evoba. It's above top secret backwards. Oh, it is. Oh. Yeah, okay. It's just deeper into the conspiracy. It's getting too close.

Gotta shut down the podcast. All right. Why not just float balloons into chemtrails to sample their contents? That's a pretty good idea. Many of us in the USA have seen this ad about using credit card points to craft a balloon

that flies up a digital camera up to space and captures video of the thresholds of Earth. YouTube. Haven't we? We've all seen this, right? Nope. I'm going to pretend like you did. shoulders of earth youtube haven't we we've all seen this right nope okay well well i'm gonna pretend like you did while on the train on a beautiful blue sunny day recently i saw several planes spraying in different heights in the air and in different patterns the exhaust trails left

behind a white cigar shape planes were long thin white and spanned for miles and did not disperse very rapidly. Quite frankly, it sort of put a damper on my commute. Why are they spraying such long trails? And what is in it? Um. Uh, moisture.

What? What? It's almost like there's a contrails coming off of planes or something. No! You said chem wrong. You accidentally said con. That's what this is. This is just one big con. Yeah! High five, brother.

So tell me, what flavor Kool-Aid are you drinking, Portax? Pterodactyl flavor. The thought occurred to me. Why not float balloons with spectrometers into the airplane exhaust after the plane has long gone to see what the true contents are? Or just wait for it to fall. Wait, no, hang on. See what the true contents are.

Has anybody already done this? I would like to see results from your findings. I think Connie Marshall did that one. Spectrometers don't measure chemical content. are. Has anybody already done this? I would like to see results from your findings. Spectrometers don't measure chemical content. They do if they're in balloons! Yeah, balloons measure chemical content, asshole. Oh, I see. It's a

diversionary tactic. They confiscate the spectrometer, you keep the balloon. Then you get the balloon juice! That's how it's harvested. It all comes full circle. Alright, Isfahan, you had a recent moment of self-discovery, isn't that right? Yeah, I did.

Would you like to tell us about it? I'm sorry, your name's not Deus Vahan. It's Deus Ex Machina 42. I'm Deus Ex Machina 42. And I believe... Now, this is a gray area. This is a personal story of mine. But I believe I have superpowers.

Ooh. There's an MMO you need to join. Oh, this one's only been flagged once, so it's not so bad. So that makes it more true than everything else we've read so far. Or less true. You see, I was playing with my little brother, and I accidentally

cut him in half with a machete. Wait. What? Do we cocks? I was so scared that I just closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was so scared that I just closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was back in the exact moment where I was about to cut my brother in half, but I was still frozen in time.

For a second, I was scared and didn't know what to do, but then, out of nowhere, a time wizard came out. Yes! Oh, my God! This paragraph keeps getting better. He was a straight time wizard, but then... It scared the

bejesus out of me. But he told me to calm down and started to explain that he was in need for an apprentice. He told me that I was the perfect candidate for the job. So far, he's taught the basics of How long has he cut his brother in half?

I forgot all about my brother when I was presented with this exciting opportunity. Let's leave him over there. Let's have a chat. So far, he's taught the basics of tome travel so that we can train in a short amount of time. I can move from one giant book to the next.

But I rebelled against him and killed him after the teachings, approximately one year, three months, and two weeks of constant training, in turn becoming the true time wizard, and here I am, fully capable of going backward and forwards in time and at will. So this whole story, the person only says, I believe I have superpowers,, I believe I have superpowers. And not just, I have superpowers. Yeah, I don't know why he's doubting it at all.

Hey guys, I'm Kal Narak, and I have an important question. Hey Kal Narak, what'd you guys say? So how do you know the time wizard you killed wasn't yourself from the future? Holy shit! Oh my god! Because that would create a time paradox. Shyamalan twist. But Deus Ex Machina eventually responds.

He's figuring out a little bit more about himself. I am the Grandfather Time, and I will prove this soon enough, young friends. I knew already that I would get trolled and insulted and that people would not believe. I knew this, and yet I did nothing, because regardless of it... Wait, how did you know that? Oh my god! Because regardless of if I had said something, people would

still not believe until it is all proven. So, I said crazy shit on a forum. I am the bravest man in the world. Well, yeah. I mean, you know, he stood up for what he believed in. He's kind of the Martin Luther King Jr. of time wizards. Hey, by the way, what happened to your brother?

Who? Never mind, sorry. Must have been somebody else. He's only his half-brother now. His brother was him. He is the future time wizard cutting himself in half. And then he goes back to teach himself how to be a Time Wizard.

Solved it. I have foreseen much in my young years, and have witnessed my own death. And even that did not stop me from using these powers for great good. Someone will ask themselves, if why for great good did you then kill the Time Wizard? And the answer is because he was a bad being. He had seen too much, exploited his power too often, grown too corrupt, and had to be stopped, and I appointed myself in stopping him. Of course, I now know he knew of his own death, just as I did,

but decided at least to pass down his knowledge and experience to one other, in a way that would cause him to be satisfied. How many notebooks have you covered this story with? It's like a Dungeons and Dragons game. Everyone else is just like, this story doesn't make any sense, Jerry. Yes, it does! A boulder

falls from the top of the mountain and crushes you. You are now dead. Uh, Kumquat? Yes? What's been on your mind lately? Besides chemtrails? Well, I mean, yeah, obviously you've been thinking about that, because, you know, there's proof of it.

But is there anything else that you've been thinking about? I've been thinking a lot about the universe. Okay, first of all, what's your name? My name is Van Deddas. He has a vendetta against skater shoes. Also against Vans.

Who can picture the size of the universe? Me, I can. It's big. Prove it! Stephen Hawking! Show me a YouTube video or get the fuck out! Okay, think of the biggest thing that you can think of. Pterodactyl. It's big. Prove it! Stephen Hawking! Show me a YouTube video or get the fuck out! Okay, think of the biggest thing that you can think of. Okay. Pterodactyl.

It's bigger. It's bigger than that. Wow! Oh no. Oh no. I can't do that. Like, seriously. We ask this question all the time.

We always talk about it. But I'm not talking about this stuff. Scale or this. Links. Internet. I'm talking about the sheer size of the universe. It's very hard to put in words, but I'm pretty sure some

people know what I'm talking about. Oh, the brothers in the back know what I'm talking about. That universe back there, he knows what I'm saying. Pause for bong noises. The dog pound knows how big the universe is. And space. We're right over here.

These people are people who know how big the universe is. The distances and space and length. It's just completely crazy how big the universe is. I mean, 600 sextillion stars, unlimited amount of planets? Scientists talk about how its scale is excited schoolgirl, but WOW! No... No amount of pictures, videos, words, flash games, or anything else can explain how big the game is. No amount of flash games can explain how big the game is.

I tried going to Newgrounds and they fucking failed. They don't know how big the internet is. I watched it as a piss poor job. I watched an anime girl from a canon and I still don't know how big the universe is. Fuck you Yahtzee, you don't know how big the internet is. You don't know what you're accusing anyone of anything. Or anything else can explain or give someone an idea of how huge the universe is. It's a feeling you get.

It's like inside your head. And you just know. Anybody else feel me, smiley face? We feel ya! me smiley face we feel you and then uh and then sort of everyone like goes on like really shitty metaphors in order to like try to blow each other's minds uh-huh yeah um for example uh lister of lister of smeg lister of smeg replies interesting but the planets would be electrons and the suns would be the nucleus, and our whole solar system is the atom. My cup of tea is a universe.

Wow. All that needs is a lady slipping on butter. Extra Zero blows this thing open here. It depends. Are you talking about space-time or the physical universe? Space-time is infinite. It was instantly created but the Big Bang does have an edge to it.

As it expands close to the speed of light Wow! Drop mic. Can somebody please Be Kenny Durazo Go to google and type Giganticbubblesnasa.gov Already ahead of ya

It's 50,000 Light years in size Relax Grab a pair of red and blue 3D shades I designed this www.disclosedtv.com With Mandelbrot. There was a show called Kid Quiz.

The mathematician or the fractal? Both. I don't know, but your link doesn't work, so whatever. It was shut down for getting too close. Yeah. Murchison was the only winner. From 1989, I am an orrery.

89, 90, 91, 92. I have a Stargate in the second floor of the third grade building. Yay! Yay! Every third grader for 22 years knows I am God. Wow.

23 years ago, there was this one piece of shit. I am. I will be. I will have been been You may verify me Thank you No, thank you During the show There is a point that the children answer

Why they are smarter They answer It's Kenny He is God Man It's so refreshing to just get some Good old fashioned Street corner crazy

That was so Does anyone respond to that? No, no This is above top secret, nobody responds to Anybody in these threads What are you going to do? Argue with God? That's clearly a terrible idea. He needs to talk to the

Mai Trang Tine Nguyen. No, I'm God! No, I'm God! If you argue with Kenny, you don't get access to the Stargate. That's the rule. Montreth, you wanted to bring us some math. Was that right? Ah, yeah, this one.

Light creates gravity. Here's how. Oh, thank god! I'm Smith Justin B. Is it possible that light creates gravity? Wait, you just said that it did! What the fuck? Are you already doubting yourself? That's rhetorical.

Oh, okay. Good. Okay. kind of effect. If life had mass, traveling at 300 kilometers per second, it would hurt when it hit. But since it doesn't have mass, its bombardment doesn't hurt, but it doesn't let you jump very high either. Oh my god! That's why at night time

you can jump very high. You have to be careful to avoid leaving the atmosphere. You have to find the boots with the little wings on them before you can jump very high. You have to be careful to avoid leaving the atmosphere. You have to find the boots with the little wings on them before you can jump high. You know, the Summer Olympics, it's always during the daytime, because otherwise the pole vault would be fucking just a disaster. Does he go on to talk about black people in basketball? Oh dear. Okay, this continues.

This is scientific research. When light comes into contact with matter, it hits at 300 kilometers per second and reflects at 300 kilometers per second. Imagine what this looks

like at the atomic level. In order for light to reflect and maintain its speed, it must first be absorbed by a body and then re-emitted. So, I can see how electrons might actually grab onto the light, whip around it, whip around the nucleus of the atom, and then launch it back into space. Just like Apollo 13! I'm assuming this guy is a scientist, right? Yeah, I mean, obviously! He's using the lingo, so... At the point of the electron's acceleration,

in order to maintain light speed constant, and at the point of the electron's down-to-Earth direction, gravity is created. The electron would only speed up to light speed on its downward motion. As the light being held by the electron

returns to the surface, the light lets go of the electron, and the electron returns to its base speed. Finally solving the age-old question that physicists have been asking for years. How the hell does gravity happen? No, it's a question that physicists were asking themselves for years. About a thousand years ago.

Every atom has electrons that have a magnetic repulsive effect on the electrons in close proximity. When one electron moves in one atom, so do the electrons in the adjacent atom. This is how light creates gravity, even on the dark side of the Earth.

Gravity is actually the electron's accelerating influence on the atom as it travels downward to the Earth or to the center of the body. There's a lot more to it and a lot of calculations to be made to

completely describe the process, but we can let the rest of that unfold in the following discussion. Oh, sure, yeah. Just if anyone wants to just, like, write down math problems, that would be awesome. If someone could, sure, yeah Just if anyone wants to just, like, write down math problems That would be awesome If someone could, like, prove all that shit I just said

That would be great If anyone wants to jump into this discussion And by jump, I mean light ship rocket themselves off That was That was a good theory. I like that one. Wait, okay, wait, wait, wait. This is a good question

because it has an answer to it. I'm Miley Subay. So, how do you explain the moon's effect on gravity? It receives approximately the same amount of light, but it has just one-sixth the gravity

of Earth. Good question. And then you have an answer down there, Mantras. It has less electrons. Oh, okay. Every good scholar defends their thesis. That makes sense! I mean, you know, it's a smaller

planetoid, so it would have less electrons. My name is OneQuestion, and I'm chiming in here. I mean, you know, it's a smaller planetoid, so it would have less electrons. It has less electrons. My name is OneQuestion, and I'm chiming in here. Yep. Consciousness is gravity. Just saying. Oh.

Yeah, I guess that's true. You are just saying that. Just farting. Do you have a recent thought that came to you? Science and technology. Don't need food to live? My name is Snarellek, and this thread has been flagged three times. So what is food, really?

What does it boil down to? Energy. What are people made up of? Energy. No, also not true. We're not like sort of pure beings of light. That's because we maybe eat food instead of ascending to a higher plane of existence. There's no such thing as complex proteins.

Is there a way to create some type of energy equal to food and use that as a substitute? Well, then that would be your food, but anyway. Are we able to absorb enough of this energy to sustain long, healthy lives? Is it possible to live for years without actually eating food? If so, how would it work? Oh, come on!

You don't even have a theory for us! You don't need food to live. Wait, how would that work? Also, much like on Star Trek, are we able to replicate endless amounts of food? Well, first you didn't want food, now you want endless amounts. Either way!

I'm just tired of the middle ground. We need to either shit or get off the pot with this whole food thing. Are we able to replicate endless amounts of food? Do we even have the technology to do that now? No. But if not, when would we

be able to? Am I going completely bonkers here? Or is it a possibility, at least in the future? And then actually, a lot of the responses are yeah, that's actually pretty sound.

The whole thing about people being made of energy, yeah, that's pretty, yeah. Alright, Mr. Raingear Yeah This is seemingly a true life confession we have here Yay! It's the gray area

Yeah It's the area for grays More like the yay area Yeah I bet it's used for that too Hey everybody, I'm Antar Hey Antar the yay area. I bet it's used for that, too. Hey, everybody. I'm Antar.

Hey, Antar. Hey. I'm going to flag your post 67 times. Good. Good. Good. I'm clear for landing. I was 15 years old and quite mature for my age. I had a boyfriend at the time who was best friends with his twin brother.

And me, of course. Never from the first time we went out could you find us separate from one another. Huh? We were the type, yeah, we were the type of couple that people admired and watched as if we were so in love it made Romeo and Juliet seem like nothing more than a one-night stand. That's pretty much what it was. Romeo and Juliet is a love that lasted Romeo and Juliet seem like nothing more than a one-night stand. That's pretty much what it was. That's what it was. A love that lasted a lifetime. One-night stands don't usually

end in a suicide pact. I mean, not mine, anyway. This is the story about how I became aware of the reality which coexists with the known end of power. What? The known end of power. And the secrets of the shadow worlds, malevolent intracellestials, and the deals of the soul.

Wow, that's a long book title. Yep. I don't believe you. It's the fourth sequel to the Celestine Prophecy. I don't believe this at all. Everything I'm about to share is the truth. Oh, I'm sorry. I believe you now.

Yeah, okay. Jake and I... I'll just turn this bullshit detector off then. We're talking about Jake. Jake and I planned to get together to just hang out and party that Friday night. You know that Friday night. We also wanted his twin John and my best friend Jen to

meet and join us at their apartment. Wait a minute. Is this leftover from the Kindle porn episode? I was just about to say, I was just about to say, I just want to make sure we're still on abovetopsecret.com. He was the captain of the ship. He was 40.

He was from Europe. As the two brothers were walking home from their job at the local casino, they did not notice as a small, dark figure rose from the ground from deep within a portal on the side of the road. You can't narrate the story this way. You're a character in it.

We're building atmosphere. Yeah. They did not notice as the small, dark man followed them home in the two flights of stairs and into the corner of their living room facing sliding glass doors, which were the only entrance or exit

to the small one-bedroom apartment. I don't understand that paragraph at all, but go on! As Jen and I arrived at the apartment, we climbed the stairs, and no sooner than we knocked on the door, Jake answered, grabbing me into his arms and laying a big, long, passionate kiss on my lisp. Lips.

My lisp. Oh, you're sexy. Thanks for the kiss, baby! Jen squeezed past me and made her own introductions to John as they hit it off instantly and took off for the couch to get better acquainted. As Jake let go of me, I started rattling on about how they're able

to get booze without an ID. I turned and my whole world changed forever. Wait, shut up and talk about the foursome some more. No. I saw him crouch down in the corner of the darkest part of the living room, and it appeared even darker with this little

evil-looking man sitting, staring unashamedly and directed at, directly at me. So, wait, if she's just now seeing the dark man, how did she know That's what I was saying earlier! How, she was narrating a part

of the story she was not at. Yeah. While that was happening, she saw it, but she was in a side mode. I asked, who was that? With the most foul and upturned nose look on my facial expression. It was a very snobbish look.

Who is that? Handbag! I was not aware there would be commoners at this orgy. Jake swished his wrist and hand and said, Ah, Hess, nobody. Just someone that followed us home. Jake's pretty dumb.

Oh, the goblin? He just followed us here. He's not with us. I said, what? What do you mean he just followed you home? Who is he? What does he want? Why is he here? At this point, I looked over to my most frigid

best friend. What the fuck? Most fridged. The one who's most inside a fridge. And was hot and heavy, making out with John. Oh, good for her.

And I walked over and started quizzing John about the man in the corner since I figured Jake had already been hitting the bottle or something. Oh my god, cock block! I couldn't seem to get a straight answer out of him, let alone about the curious and vile little man sitting on his haunches just staring at me no matter where I went.

That is the best cock block. That's amazing. Next time someone's trying to make out a... So did you see that goblin? Yeah, next time someone's making out at a party, I'd be like, dude, tell me about the ghoul. Who the fuck brought a ghoul here? I couldn't believe

it. It was as if there had been a spell placed on all of them. And I was the only one left in the room with any sense of reality of the understanding that this little man has got to go. That's one theory. Everybody else is crazy. What's going on?

Nobody invited you, alien. You will not piss on hospitality. I won't allow it. At this point, I began to get hysterical and demanding of my three friends. That's a shocker. They simply went deeper into their own world and towards ignoring my presence at all.

They were trying to get laid, you fucker! Yeah. One of them with me. Finally, Jake said, here, smoke a cigarette and calm down. I tried once again to get him to see what was wrong. Terribly wrong. But it was obvious that I was getting

nowhere. I knew not to turn my back on the little darkman, and so I sat cross-legged with my back to the outside of the kitchen counter with my head under the breakfast nook, and without taking my eyes off him, I stuck the wooden match to light my

smoke. I'm on to you, goblin. Now, this is where it becomes difficult to relate, as there are no words in any language which come close to explaining what happened next. The end. So, the end. See, Lemon, this wasn't Kindle porn, this was creepypasta.

Yeah, for sure. There's no words that can explain what happened next. And there are literally no words that explain what happened next. She's like, hey, if Lovecraft can do it, so can I, right? So this is something that I don't necessarily want to read, but I just want to point it out that there's a post in here where Revolution Phase 1 explains the meaning of the song, I'm blue, baba, deba, da-da, da-dee, da-da. And it goes on forever!

Now, that's a pretty interesting twist for crazy stuff. Just going on and on. Usually crazy people are very succinct. So, that was the... So I have created four phrases that I want you to replace Dabba Dee Dabba Dee with. Right? Okay? So next time you hear

this song, go back and listen to the song, and when the chorus drops, read these new lyrics in place of the old one. Take your time and really listen to each new phase I've created. I'm blue. I believe I will die. I believe I will die.

That's number one. Number two is... I like it. I like it. I'm blue. If I bleed, I will die. If I bleed, I will die. I'm blue. If I bleed, I will die.

If I bleed, I will die. And then number three is, I'm blue. If that was me, I would die. That's a little stretched out. Making a little bit less sense. But fortunately, there's one for the ladies. I'm blue. I'm in need of a guy! This song was released by the Italian group Eiffel 65 to the United States on April 14,

1999, six days before the Columbine massacre. If that was me, I would die. Coincidence? No. I must warn Columbine! I must warn Columbine! would die yeah coincidence no i'm a sworn columbine i'm a sworn columbine okay that's horrible and i still laugh so good tagline for this podcast all right uh so let's uh you know let's move into the um sort of area of this whole thing. I'll start out with Candace Z.

I'm Candace Z. And this is an origins and creationism conspiracy. I've been flagged 37 times. Sure. All right. Darwin is an idiot! Yeah, amen. Yeah, Darwin is an idiot! I'll say it again. Sure. Alright. Darwin is an idiot! Yeah, amen. Yeah, Darwin is an idiot!

I'll say it again! Good. A monkey and a cucumber are cousins? Wait. Right! What? No. I know!

Why doesn't Darwin believe that a monkey and a cucumber are cousins? Right! And what about the evolution of the horse? What? cousins. Right. And what about the evolution of the horse? Yeah. And also, monkey and cucumber horse. Species don't evolve from other species.

There has never been a transitional fossil of any species from one to another. Now can I post pictures of Archaeotrix? Do you think like people are digging up bones of Australopithecus

and they're expecting to see like human version beta or something on, it's stitched on the side? Oh no, the SKUM, this is all wrong. This is the best digital underground song ever. Even from Cro-Magnon Man to Homo Sapien.

And don't believe this facts are the world's data crap unless you can prove it yourself. Otherwise, you're going on possessive someone else's perception of the world's data.

Listen to everything. Believe nothing. Unless you can prove it. But didn't like... How do you prove it? You prove it with facts. I'm sorry. I'm trying to make sense of this. Eel, as in Kim Jong Eel, will probably get grief

for this, or ignore it even. But it's my opinion. The guy didn't know what he was talking about. Richard Owen actually first come up with it? I mean, there was people are always saying, like, ooh, Darwin was an idiot,

but there was a bunch of other people that... Well, that guy was smart, but the Darwin with the monkeys and the cucumbers? What an idiot! So this 9,000-year-old tree, that wouldn't make any fucking sense at all. Yeah. It's Odin all the way.

Sure. All right. We've dug into a little bit of Christians poking reasonable holes In science So we can end We can end with this Alright, bootstart us off

And then tag out when you're done Hi, we the collective F plus readers We're all Menemeth one Menemeth one We are the Nemeth collective And we are here to say that We are all Menemeth One. Menemeth One. We are the Nemeth Collective. The Nemeth Collective, and we are here to say that all of science is a lie.

All of it! Preach on, brother man! And stop flagging us 53 times! Flag us 53 more times if you dare. The LHC isn't going to produce anything, period. It's not going to give us any medieval garb. No trench coats or fedora hats. They're not going to make a sequel

to Dangerous Liaisons. The LHC is the Bernie Madoff of scientific looting schemes. What? It was constructed to waste money. It was constructed to bloat the paychecks of the scientific elite. Those damn scientists,

they're just in it for the money. It's just a 9 to 5 to them. Am I paid? Bitch, I'm a theoretical physicist! What? Make it rain! It was constructed to bloat the bottom lines of government contract workers. It is a sham.

It is a rip-off. It is a joke. Tag. The particle physics model the LHC research is based on is a joke. The scientists participating in it know full well it's a joke. It's a billion-dollar boondoggle that will continue to break down and have catastrophic errors throughout its lifetime. This is mainly because the scientists know

that if it were to work correctly for any long period of time, they would eventually have to acknowledge that it has discovered nothing new and was a huge waste of scientific resources and taxpayer dollars. Can I ask, is this specifically the one at CERN? Or is this the one... Okay. The one in France.

That's the only one called the Large Hadron Collider. Alright. And I remember this from an earlier episode, but somebody thought that the Large Hadron Collider was located underneath Paris. Yeah, under France. Anyway. You don't have to worry about black holes or antimatter

blowing up the Earth because of the LHC. Black holes and antimatter aren't real. What? What? What? Wait. Thanks. Well, wait.

We actually don't need the Large Hadron Collider if you're going to solve it that cutely. Yeah. There, possessive, are no such things. Observations of space show that explanations of black holes do not provide an adequate explanation for the effects of the M87 galactic jet. If gravity is causing the jet, it must be accelerating matter beyond the speed of light to account for observations. This is not possible. That's not possible because light is gravity. Yeah. Oh, shit.

Oh, God. This is not possible even by the standard theory. Only the electric force can account for the observations, not gravity. Tag. Eh, cosmology is a joke. The same scientific suppression we saw in the Climategate scandal is alive and well in the field of theoretical physics. Physicists are milking us like cattle for our tax dollars. Hot. From our tax udders.

Scientists can replicate the formation of galaxies and stars using standard Newtonian physics by simply adding the electric force into the models. Space does not expand, bend, warp, twist, or in any way do anything other than exist as a place that matter occupies. Matter itself does not bend space, warp space, or cause holes in space. Wait, yes it does. It does. Wait, I'm actually getting

to the idea of space exists at a place that matter occupies. That is fucking amazing. Boots, you're just in the pocket of big science. We can't believe anything you say. Matter is stable and obeys coherent laws of provable physics

that range from the level of the electron all the way up to the level of galaxies. There are no multiple dimensions, multiple realities, or time-traveling particles. Tag. Gravity is an electromagnetic function of matter. It rises from matter.

It varies and is not constant. When scientists try to measure it and they find gravity changes and varies from place to place, there are no consistent measurements of gravity. Like up here versus the moon? No. God, you need to pay attention in science class, ComClock. God. So, it's

not that there's different gravity on the moon. It's that the measurement of measuring gravity is different on the moon. Yeah. One cubit of gravity on the moon. See, that's why I always export my gravity. God, we need to get, like, metric gravity.

Then we can be able to fly. It's so damn annoying that the gravitational constant cannot be constant. Yeah. I know. God, stupid scientists. Anyway, all methods of measuring gravity produce the same inconsistent results. The Earth was not formed out of dust circling the Sun, which is capitalized,

so I think they mean Sun Tzu. But anyway. The provable physics of dust in space absolutely prevent dust from forming into planets. This is the most obvious in the rings of Saturn. Planets don't form from dust circling bodies.

Even the standard Holy shit! Yeah. I know, blowing my mind. I was like, wow! So weird. Even the standard theory's own models fail to show how this is possible. Also, all other planets

discovered to date around other stars have turned out to be closely orbiting gas giants. This is impossible to explain if gravity formed the planets around the stars. God, I'm going to tag out because this is hurting my brain.

It's a bummer. Space is not expanding. There was no Big Bang. The red shift of light coming from distant sources arrives in discrete steps meaning the Earth must be the center

of the universe. If the Big Bang theory is true, thus it is not. Oh, see, that, okay, yeah, totally. Those fucking calisthenics right there. We see high and low red shifted objects interacting with each other in space. Impossible if red-shift is a function of velocity. We have laboratory-proven effects of light acting in a vacuum

that can account for all observations in space without the need for a Big Bang or expanding space. The oceans of the Earth didn't arrive here from comets slamming into the Earth. This is a joke of a theory. All observations of comets show them to be made almost entirely of rock. And not ice. Which is frozen something, I don't remember. Tag!

Theories of tectonic plates sliding around producing mountains are a joke. In order for this to be true, the plates must be sliding into rock that is more dense than granite. Core samples of the ocean floor show them to be relatively new.

All fossils are found on dry land, not ocean floors. I wonder why that is. What? We have scoured the ocean floor. We didn't find a single fossil down there. We all know that earthquakes are created when goblins get angry and jump around. This means the floors are being added to the earth by matter rising out of the earth.

This makes logical sense since the earth is rotating and centripetal force is pushing deep matter outwards while gravity is pushing deep matter outwards, while gravity is pushing outer matter inwards.

There's no such thing as subduction. Everything you are being told is one gigantic fat lie. What, in this post? Yeah, everything in this post. The history of the Earth as it has been told to you is a lie. Theoretical particle physics is a lie. The Big Bang is a lie.

Comets made of water is a lie. The formulation of planets is a lie. Climate science is a lie. An unending stream of lies. You just know by the end there they were working themselves up into a froth just typing this someone responds to him saying like

telling him like if someone says everything you're being told is a lie they're usually like crazy and weird agenda driven people and the only response to that he has is, you don't have to take my word for it. Google everything I just said. I'm going to take the whole article and paste it into Google. It just comes back to this page for some reason. And there we go. Round about an hour of the very real, the very real truth. Isfahan, what'd you learn this week? I've learned that if people want something to be true hard enough, then it becomes true.

Sure. And there are plenty of people out there who will share in your fantasy and reap the rewards, and I guess the rewards are feeling like someone's out to get you. Yeah, yeah, the rewards are paranoia and isolation, so, you know, well done there. Yeah. It's its own reward, really, when you think about it. But with the whole, like, I'll let you know that I was in the military, and I was in intelligence, and I did have access to actual real classified information.

Ooh, all right. Yeah, but I think what a lot of people would be interested to find out is that real world classified information usually isn't all that profound it's usually just a a safety net like the the whole bradley manning thing uh the wiki leaks guy who gave up everything and now he's a traitor to god and country um the news outlets if you remember, they said that, even they had to admit that a lot of the stuff that was on these classified cables

is really trite, boring stuff. Yeah, well, yeah, because the story had to be like, some guy leaked all this really sensitive information to the site. What's the information? Never mind! Yeah.

The important thing was there was a leak! Yeah, because the news that there was a leak is way more exciting than the contents of the leak itself. Sometimes you just don't live in a John Grisham novel, you know? What? Speak for yourself, asshole. That's a comforting thought for all of us. And if you're looking for ways to expand your mind, I would recommend you do it at thefpl.us, where you could have bought mousepads if you lived in the past.

But since you don't, you can't. But you can download every episode that we have. You can leave comments on every episode that we have. That's about it, really. What do you really expect? Come on. It's pretty one-sided participation. it, really. Yeah. I mean, what do you really expect? Come on. It's pretty one-sided participation. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, you know, we're not going to, you know, we're not going to give you decoration tips for your house. You get other places for that. Yeah. We know our limits. Well, I was just...

Oh, never mind, then. Yeah. No, you can start your own site. It'll be fun. Yay! All right, until next week. Only use Reynolds for your tinfoil hat. I wanted to be a dinosaur.

Fuck you. I wanted to be a gypsy. That sounds like you have to get a graduate degree for that. A young person with the clothes. Gypsy with a PA. I wanted to be a tramp and a thief. They do have a pretty good uniform. Oh, that was not good.

I wish you hadn't said that. I want to be a tramp. Oh, fuck it. Why did you say it again? What the fuck? Hey, everybody, I made a Cher reference!