The F Plus - 76: Today's Progress Was Yesterday's Form Field

Episode Date: June 9, 2012

In the run up to the 2008 American election, Barack Obama told the world that "We are the change we seek." And now, as we reflect on our discontent with the status quo of tax policies, drone strikes, prisoners held indefinitely, and general apathy, we may realize that maybe we weren't looking for us at all. Real change is gonna come from the internet, in the form of asinine and pointless online petitions. We're looking at Change.org and PetitionOnline.com, two sites where your voice can be heard, but it will still be marble-mouthed and pubescent. This week, who wants to get high? Go Islanders!

We, the beloved fans of General Hospital, would love to see Rebecca turn out to be Emily, and soon. And just like the river I've been running You know, I started to interrupt. I was just thinking, you know, I don't... Do you really think we need to do these intros? Like, you know... I do. They're a really good way to introduce the listener to what's going to happen. I mean, we cover a broad range of topics, and some of them are kind of weird. So it's nice to kind of give them a jumping-off point where they know what we're dealing with. Yeah, but I don't want to do them. Well, you know, then

I don't know. We really have to. It's really important that we... It doesn't make any sense because you talk to me and then I have an opinion on something. And then it's just... We do it every week. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. I've had enough.

No. Okay. Well, then just play along.'m sick of it. I've had enough. No. Okay. Well, then just play along. It'll be fine, okay? No, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm going to go online. I'm going to start a petition.

I'm going to get signatures. I'm going to get 500 million signatures so that we don't have to do these intros anymore. But what site are you going to go to for this petition? Change.org. Change.org. Change.org. I saw that guy was on The Daily Show. So you want to do a petition on that? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, what other petitions do you see on that website? Well, pretty much everything that's important. Fix the iCarly production codes in season three and four. Michael Bray, bring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back, not as aliens. So these are the serious issues of the day, and you want to throw your lot in with them. Yeah, yeah. This is a matter that is important to me, and I'm sure it's important to the rest of the internet.

So, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we should bring these topics to the internet as a whole. Or at least, you know, the people that listen to us. Yeah. Readers assemble! But now I think I'm able to carry on.

In the room tonight we have Kumpot. I'm gonna be the one that's taken over. Now this is what it's like when hard-ons collide. Portax. Oh my god, you guys, the snakes are in the puppets. John. I went to start a petition to stop the F+. When I saw the F+, I slid every wrist ever.

Bootsdrainger. Stop the human rights. Stog. Tony, your penis is too freaking large Our special guest for the evening Left hand radio zone Adam Bozarth Fight the government And Lemon

I don't know guys I didn't really get it Laughter Laughter Laughter Laughter Everyone that believes in freedom Give Adrian the day off on Friday Greetings

I just signed the following petition address to Everyone that believes in freedom Give Adrian the day off on Friday It's his birthday week and he needs a day off Sincerely, your name. Five out of a hundred people have signed this. A lot of people don't believe in freedom, apparently. All the people who signed it named Adrian.

That's Adrian who? No, actually, it wasn't created by Adrian, though. It was created by Nathan Tucker. So what I'm guessing is this is Nathan's birthday present to Adrian. Hey, you might have the day off Friday if 95 more people give a shit about you. And why would that work? Would you place

unemployment? I'd be like, oh. As long as, yeah. It's only legally binding if there's 100 people, though. Alright, what else you got, Boots? I got one for you. Oh, it's kitties. Okay.

Well, first of all, this is in the human trafficking section. So, I don't know how you feel about human trafficking, but the creator of this petition, Jin Zhang, is a fan. He likes it. So I'm Jin Zhang, and my avatar is some cats with ramen noodles on their head that says, we so

high right meow. The cats do look fairly high. Alright. If 100 people sign this, Mike will come up to Syracuse. Greetings. I just signed the following petition addressed to Mike Laforte. If 100 people sign this, Mike will come up to Syracuse

so he can stop being a faggot and come chill with his friends. Sincerely, your friend. 45 out of 100 people have signed this. Social action platform. There's an update. Okay. Update. We need more signatures, guys!

God damn it, Mike's not going to come up to Syracuse. Now wait a minute, one of the people who signed this is named PoopDoodoo. I don't know if that's... It's a real name, don't make fun of other cultures. Don't make fun of Poop. Also, Keegan Falbuna signed this because Mike LaFord is a bitch. Do they live in Syracuse? This guy lives in Syracuse. Yeah, he does, you can see it.

I don't know why they want him to come up and visit him if he's such a faggot and a bitch. What else you got, Boots? Vortex. Oh, wait. There we go. This is a cause we can all get behind. Why are you giving Vortex the one she made under a fake name? What's your name, Fortex?

My name is Hannah Gala. Greetings! Hi. I just signed a following petition addressed to Nintendo. No capital. No capital. It's a Nintendo. Nintendo's too cool for capitals. That's true. I want people to make

a green 3DS. Alright? Oh, okay. Green as a color loved by all, and video game lovers of the green hero can have a handheld colored to his glory. What?

Gangrenous penis? Link or Luigi? I don't know. The green hero is a nickname for my drug dealer. That's ironic because he actually carries a strand of weed called The Green Hero. Although his hero is in the sandwich.

Nature lovers who enjoy the eco-green environment can have a forest-colored game system to play to honor the outside world. I love nature. I love nature. That's why my plastic bullshit thing is green. Exactly.

The outside of a fabled, mystical place. I want to be reminded of nature when I'm ignoring nature. Yeah. Green apple candy is a favorite of the sour universe. And while having a sour delight, they can play their favorite games on a three green DS. Money is loved by everyone worldwide.

And in America, money is green in every country. But everyone still loves the wonderful color. No, it isn't. Oh, wait. And in America, money is green in every country. Yeah. Right? Yeah. When you're drawing other countries,

drawing cartoons of other countries' money in America, it will probably be green. That's a good point. Fans of the all-time famous plumber's little brother, Luigi, could have a light green-colored 3DS to play when Luigi's Mansion 2 comes out. Okay, this is just free association on

the color green at this point. You know what, on behalf of Nintendo, I'm almost convinced, but if you could give me some more examples of green things... Yeah, this feels like it was written by committee, and it's at this stage of, no bad ideas, guys, no bad ideas. Green is an appreciated color, and by signing this petition,

we can make this color visible to the gaming realm. We can make video game lovers who also enjoy green have a 3DES color for their enjoyment of the system and the love of the color. We hope to get this petition signed so that we can make green shown in the world of colored handhelds. Sincerely, Hannah and Mr. J. That's the name of my drug dealer. Wait, wait, wait. Make a whole bunch of colored crap for kids? Well,

I don't know. That's kind of against our company's business model, but I guess we'll try. You're a renegade. You're Renegade Miyamoto. You never work in a video game. I just love the... Make the color visible to the gaming realm.

Like, if your system isn't the color that it is on the game, it's just like... Luigi was invisible until you get a green Game Boy. Then, oh my god! Now he's green!

He's there! It actually got the hundred... It got a hundred petition. A hundred... No, a hundred six five out of five thousand. Alright, let5. Out of 5,000. All right, let's get things a bit more serious. Let's get to the real political issues of this.

Okay, good. Thank God. Stog. About time we get to some real political issues. Pepsi Company, four more caffeine Mountain Dew. I'm Brian Boucher, and I created this petition. Hi. You seem kind of excited.

Whoa, whoa. Hi, hello, hello. Oh, my God. Whoa, whoa. Hi, hello, hello. Oh my god. Hi, hello. Hey, Brian, wait, slow down a sec. Okay, okay, okay. All right, what's your petition about? I'm voting for more caffeine in Mountain Dew, all.

Oh. All the Mountain Dew. It's got to have more caffeine. Don't just cheat out and make Code Red more caffeinated, but not the purple one or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I need more caffeine in my gamer fuel. Greetings! I just signed this following position addressed to Pepsi Company. Vote for more caffeine

in Mountain Dew. All. Because people get used to it, and then they need more, so that's why I think that caffeine needs to be increased in all high caffeine products, like Pepsi Max. All Mountain Dews. Wait. What? Pepsi Max is... Mountain Dews. What? Pepsi Max is... I'm sorry, go ahead, Brian.

I think that caffeine needs to be increased in all high caffeine products like Pepsi Max, all Mountain Dews, and any other Pepsi product that is made to boost the consumer's energy. Sincerely, my name. What's your name? My name is Brian Boucher. Thank you.

I voted for more caffeine in Mountain Dew. Brian, how many people... name? What's your name? My name is Brian Boucher. Thank you. I voted for more caffeine in Mountain Dew. Brian, how many people have signed your petition? Just me, just me, but I think this is something big, man. He's the only one who signed it, but he clicked that sign button like 20 times in a second. I clicked it 20 times, but it only goes through one time.

That's why you need more caffeine. Look, my arms are not shaking hard enough. That's how I know this stuff isn't working. I need more caffeine in Mountain Dew. I want to take off like a hummingbird. If I don't die of a heart attack at the age of 20, then that's a sad world. All right, we're going to take a little bit of a shift. We're going to move over to petitiononline.com.

We're already moving away from change.org, huh? Yeah. You're going to see why. Okay. Adam, why don't you take this one? Oh, God. Super hard to take. Okay.

What? Adam, I want to say I kind of envy you and don't want to be you at the same time right now. That is how I feel about myself all the time. Aw. Why just be specifically this? Okay.

Super articulated My Little Ponies. Author not available. Really? Send to Hasbro. Sponsored by members of My Little Foosh Forum. So here's the petition. Tell us about your petition. Tell me about your petition.

My Little Pony enthusiasts from around the world are requesting an extension to the My Little Pony brand consisting of highly articulated superposable ponies. My Little Pony Legends. My Little Pony Legends. My Little Pony Legends! The Immortals! Rise from your pony grave. Since the release of Blossom, Bluebell, Butterscotch, Cotton Candy, Minty, and Snuzzle in 1982, we've wanted and asked for My Little Pony Legends, only to be rebuffed repeatedly. Hitlers. Hitler's. Oh, keep going.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And we want to turn their heads. Oh, God. And open and close their mouths. Wait, why do you want to close them? To make it look like they're eating something in stop motion. Because sometimes those bitches won't shut up. I'm sorry, what?

Tell me to kill them. Sometimes My Little Pony tells me to kill the president and I have to turn it off. My Little Pony legends would not only satisfy the rampant desires of current MLP enthusiasts it would extend the reach of your product to the highly desirable market segment of

boys ages 5 to 18 I don't think you quite understand what My Little Pony is going for. With their opening and closing mouths. Jesus Christ. We urge you to design, produce, and sell My Little Pony legends as soon as humanly possible.

I'll be waiting. The thing is, they're talking about a bunch of the ponies from 1982, so these people are all 30, I guess? Yeah. I mean, those are all the old ones. No, they're just expressing their knowledge of the history of My Little Pony.

No, they said, since 1982, we have wanted and asked for My Little Pony Legends. It's not since we heard about it. It's since the release in 1982. So these people are like 35 to at least 50 years old. Yeah, this petition's been going on for 30 years. These aren't the bronies.

This is the old guy. You say these people, and it has one signature. Well, I'm assuming he has multiple ponies living in his head. Who's this one for, Boots? This one's for Boots. All right. Hey, hey. Hey.

Hi. I've got a completely different thing to talk about here. Okay. I've got a production request for My Little Pony. Well, this is, okay, you have 876 signatures as opposed to that other guy's one. I'm an awful lot more reasonable. Yeah, you're a political... Yeah, and I'm also...

I will remain anonymous. Of course. As the author of this petition. Right. And I'm sending this to Hasbro Marketing, sponsored by the MLP community. So you're sponsored by ponies? Yeah, sponsored by ponies.

Okay, ponies I wish. Dear Hasbro marketing team, I am writing in regards to your My Little Pony product, specifically the most recent releases in the glitter and rainbow assortments, Cherry Blossom, Cupcake, Sweet Song, and Shenanigans. It has come to my attention that the production of these ponies will soon be halted. However, I feel that is a mistake, because a vast majority of retail stores have not yet production of these ponies will soon be halted. However, I feel that is a mistake. Because a vast majority of retail stores

have not yet stocked these ponies. As you are aware, there are thousands of collectors who seek to obtain every pony released, so the possibility of these ponies becoming discontinued when they are still not even widely available is of great concern to us. You can't buy that shit on eBay? Is that not the fucking point?

I don't think this dude has the money to buy this shit on eBay. Additionally, it should be noted that one of your other recent product releases is a giant sweet song plush. However, little girls will surely be confused. You know, little girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's who this is really about, right? Little girls will surely be confused if they see this plush pony and not her toy counterpart. Plush is a toy. will surely be confused if they see this plush pony and not her toy counterpart.

Plush is a toy. I get the distinct feeling that when this person writes little girls, it's like when Fox News says some people say. I want to see the nom ad of how can I teach my children that there's no toy for Sweet Song. There's a storm coming. It's full of glitter.

It would appear that part of the problem in distributing these ponies is that many stores were hesitant to order those particular assortments. Being the last glitter-slash-rainbow assortments which come packaged with older and more difficult-to-sell ponies, retailers seem to have passed

them up in favor of the first Perfectly Pony set, containing all new ponies that shortly followed. Therefore, I would like to ask if it would be possible to regroup Cherry Blossom Cupcake Sweet Song and Shenanigans into their own Perfectly Pony assortments and extending their production run. Retailers will not have to worry

about moving old products, and collectors and little girls alike will have the opportunity to enjoy these four gorgeous additions to Ponyville. I gotta say, there's nothing worse than a pedophile with a business plan. I have presented

this suggestion to a large group of collectors, and the following agree with the preceding statements. Hey guys, more My Little Pony? Yeah! This petition has 876 signatures. I mean, there really should be something that stops you from being serious when you're typing the words cherry blossom cupcake sweet song and shenanigans. Whatever, they're fucking adorable. Oh, okay.

I mean, yeah, I agree. What else you got, Boots? I got a quickie for whoever wants it. I haven't got yet. Oh, wow. Oh, man. There you go. Oh, man.

Penis partition. Attention! Tony's penis is too large. Favorite children's book. Your cock is too big. Jared Padalecki, is that you? My name is N.A., and I'm sending this to Tony. This is sponsored by everyone who isn't Tony.

So I sponsored this. I had no idea. Yeah. This is my tax dollars at work. Attention all of you who aren't Tony. Tony's penis is too large. Sign here if you think he should make it smaller so that the rest of us don't look bad.

You're saying the author isn't Tony. Alright, Kumquat, what do you got? Oh, oh. I have more good dragons. Oh, good. I like more good dragons. Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr. My name is N.A.

As usual. That's a lot of anonymous drug addicts on this site. Yeah. Send to the writers of movies, games, and literature. It may concern. Dear Game of Thrones. Dear writers of everything ever. Dear Max Payne 3, please have more good dragons in it.

Sincerely, Internet. Sponsored by... Nobody. I love that there's so much like, we are fed up, we are united. By the way, my name's a secret. You're not... That's none of your business. Well, because it can't be pronounced with human tongue. We are united. By the way, my name's a secret. You're not... That's none of your business.

Well, because it can't be pronounced with human tongue. To be fair, that might be another broken thing about petitiononline.com. We'll find more of those. Okay. We dragon admirers have been waiting as patiently as dragons. What? Are dragons patient? All right. for games,

books, films, and other forms of media to represent dragons in a positive light. Because Insomniac Games hasn't been making a series about

heroic dragons since 1998. Quiet. To our dismay, our dragons He's a heroic dragon since 1998. Quiet. Those are all jerks. To our dismay, our dragons are being given roles as cardboard targets for characters to slay, souring their reputation unfairly. Their rep points went down by 20. This is like the anti-defamation league for dragons. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, no, dragons aren't all greedy. They don't hoard all the gold. You say that, but people who think they're dragons believe that very much. I get the feeling they'd still be really racist against Chinese dragons. Fucking weird-faced bitches. Go back to China. Just imagine an English dragon doing that, pulling his eyelids to make fun of the Chinese dragon.

You blow fire sideways. Wah! We require more dragon media. That's a noun, P.S. The corrupt dragon media. Dragons control the media.

To portray our heroes in protagonist roles. What? Semicolon, as these great creatures have suffered. Yeah, what have they suffered? What have they suffered, dammit? Yeah, what happened? They have suffered an

undue amount of speciesist casting decisions. Wait, so the dragons are actually cast? Like, there's casting agents that are looking for is it like midgets where you see the same dragons in a whole bunch of different movies?

Haven't you ever seen Amateur Dragon Casting Couch 13? Please, Lemon, it's little people, just like dragons are big lizard people. We would appreciate seeing more wise, honorable, and fantastic dragons. After all, the hatchlings need role models. Zero signatures.

Yeah, zero signatures. I did not sign my own petition. I typed it out and I went, that's fucking crazy, I'm not signing this. Not only did Dragons get to be Sean Connery, one of them killed Matthew McConaughey. I mean, they're good, they're awesome. Yeah, absolutely. What poor storytelling that would be, because either you would have a movie about dragons sipping tea and discussing the issues of the day,

which actually sounds okay. Drag to Nappy. Yeah. Okay, never mind. I'm signing this petition now, that sounds great. Would somebody please read the comment on my petition? Nobody signed it? Yeah, there's a comment?

Few signatures. Zero signatures. And then there's one person who signed it. What? My name is Ascelinator. Too true is the unsung voice. Dragons and the draconian image is fading away into the darkness of the human culture.

What many see today is our dragons being portrayed as vile creatures, but this is like with what was said, souring our reputation. Do your part. Help us help you. Sign the petition. Which I won't do. For we

are the unsung voice. Who are you addressing with that comment? To the people with angry faces. My species is dragon. No, you're a human. Pretend you'd be a dragon. My species is dragon! Dragon and soul.

Written it with dragon, naturally speaking. Alright, we need to form a rivalry here. Okay, good. Two people here who really hate each other. Me? I hate somebody. I don't know who, but I hate somebody. I hate people, too. I hate Stog. Yeah, okay.

Lemon, take this one. Stog, okay. This is mine. Shut up, Stog. Okay. Okay. Jerk. Yeah. Hey.

Hey, F+. My name's not applicable. And I have 8,641 backers to my thing that's totally going to be normal and shit. All right. Listen. I'm going to send this to George W. Bush because it's sponsored by Responsible Americans Against Child Exploitation. So that's good, right? We're all against child exploitation. That that's good, right? We're all against child exploitation.

That's something we can get behind. Yeah, well, shut up, because you disagree with me, so that means that you're in favor of child exploitation. Fuck you. Ass. Okay, here in America, we live in a climate of moral decay. What's the cause of this? Anyone?

It's called... Drugs? No. No. Child exploitation? No called... Drugs? No. No. Child exploitation? No! The bad economy? No. It's called anime. Nani?

What? Anime is a perverse, evil, insidious form of animation from the dark land of Japan. Oh my god. John K? Is that you?

From the dark land of Japan. It's covered in tentacles. That's why they call Japan the dark continent. Yeah, the jungles of Japan. And it's corrupting America's youth at unprecedented rates. Here are a few examples of anime which are circulating on the internet

and may very well be in your home. They're in my home. It's going to be some really gross shit like Golden Boy or something, right? Is this like when you get Black Mold? There's just Naruto DVDs just growing in your walls? Tonight at 11, what's in your DVD collection that

could be killing your children? Number one, Ah, My Goddess. A sick and disgusting show which causes children under the age of 18 to think that they're capable of love. That's the one you picked? Yeah, I know I made that mistake. I love you, daddy. Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Liar! The main female character is clearly under 18 and is forced into a romantic relationship

by an older man who wishes for her to be his girlfriend forever. He even kisses her! And she appears naked! That poor girl must be so confused.

Wait, is this show about me? Because I'm fucking confused right now. How did I end up like this? Number two, Love Hina. I'm not going to even mention the unspeakable, disgusting,

pedophilic, pornographic events which transpired during this show, but suffice it to say, groups of young men on Love Hina fuel rampages are raping children at a level unheard of since the 60s.

I'm just going to give a brief summary of Love Hina. There's a guy who will slip on a banana peel and then accidentally grow up a guy who will slip on a banana peel and then accidentally grope a girl who will punch him into space. Oh my god! And that kind of happens I think that's the whole show. Well, no wonder there's roving gangs

of rapists that are all dressed in tie-dye outfits. Well, becoming an astronaut's really hard, so if you rape a girl, she'll punch you into space. Well, it must be very indirect. It's like, oh, the comedy is so rote and repetitive

in the show, I gotta get rid of this rage somehow. If you are a parent or a decent human being, either or, it can't be both, I urge you to sign this petition to ban all forms of anime in the United States.

Anyone who is found in possession of anime should be arrested and jailed for an exorbitant period of time. No, no, no, no, no. Exorbitant. Oh, exorbitant period of time. Not sure how long that is, but... That sounds delicious. That sounds delicious. Anime is a dark scourge upon our beautiful nation, and we don't need this Japanese filth corrupting the hearts of our children.

As a reasonable Christian. No, you're responsible. Oh, damn it. As a responsible Christian. It's a new denomination. I demand this garbage removed from our nation. Please sign this petition and send it to George Bush, your congressman,

and the makers slash distributors of anime filth and depravity. Do the right thing. Let's have our kids have some good old-fashioned American entertainment. Like, fucking, I don't know, Spawn. I know. Okay, so click on view signatures

and then Adam, would you take MattDD? What the fuck? This is in response to my banning of anime. Okay, I'm MattDD. Yeah. Okay guys, listen here. Here's the 911

and yeah, that's right. I don't give a fuck about what happened in New York and I'll say 911. 911, two1 two bad pussies now anime is fucking pornographic and only fit for vampires enough said i think who wants to get high sure okay while you were talking I created a counter petition I couldn't think of a good name for it so I just call it anime wow you have like three times as many signatures as I do

shit I have I have many signatures and many many people who have many waifus to sign this petition. He rallied all the roving Love Hina rape gangs. Everybody sign before you go out tonight. That is a lot of waifus. I am going to send this to the U.S. government.

We are sponsored by no one because we don't take corporate cash for our waifus. Hell yeah! I mean, wait, boo! Boo! Just in a manila envelope, attention U.S. government. Attention U.S. government, anime. Re-anime.

Anyway, anime. The best thing for teens. It gives us teenagers a sense of reality, love, drama, and most importantly, ellipses, a heart. It gives you a sense of heart? Okay. Unlike the adults signing this petition, and there's that. My petition!

Yeah, you're offensive. My petition, which is petition online slash cutie pie. Oh my god, I didn't know this. You can't even spell your religion right. How can you make a petition? Unlike the adults saying this petition of my enemy, it's terrible. It sickens me. Japan is not

dark, evil country. Number one. Ah, my enemy. It's terrible. It sickens me. Japan is not dark, evil country. Number one. Ah, my goddess. It is a love story. The kid in the show was in his teens, and Bell Dandy is much older since. Bell Dandy is a goddess, hence the power to grant the boy anything

he desired, and wishes do have rules, which she decided to put aside. She wanted to date him, okay? Ah, my goddess is a love story, a sad, beautiful love story, showing that no matter how high of power you are, there is no guy that is too low for you. Tell me again how it's about reality? It gives teenagers a sense of reality?

I'm sure Love Hina will fix that. Okay, okay. Number two, Love Hina. This is also a love story. All the perverted stuff clearly happens on accident. That's what I say every time my wife comes in and I'm watching porn. It's an accident. Now I was just jerking off to this comedy of errors.

She just tripped and fell onto those five men. Over and over and over. This comedic love shows Keitaro slowly falling in love with Naru Naru Segawa. The scenes that show love with Shinobu, the young girl, are Shinobu's own wishes. She wants to be with Keitaro. But Keitaro has morals and doesn't want Shinobu like that.

Only as a friend, Keitaro falls in love with Naru just like my goddess. Ellipses. This show is beautiful in its own ways. Ellipses. There is nothing sickening about it at all. There are many more beautiful animes, and some are kind of gross, but the

really gross ones are made for adults only. Japan is a great and lovely country. I will not sit and watch anyone badmouth it ever. I bet you actually will. I bet you'll do nothing but sit and watch people badmouth it. I can't get up, but

I'll draw my character, my cat girl, naked, standing up. You people who signed that other petition sickened me and I could care less what you have to say. Wait, what? You can't do both those things. So everyone, please sign this petition for the good of the teenagers of America and all over the world.

Anime is not evil. It can help people relieve stress and have a good, healthy imagination. The people who want it gone and out of this country will raise terrible, dull, boring kids. What? If I didn't have anime ellipses, I wouldn't have a heart. I think you misspelled kingdom hearts. I have learned a lot from anime ellipses,

and I wish for other people to learn from it also, ellipses. But I can see you idiots out there, ellipses, are helping the government take away more of our freedoms in America, ellipses. Want to make our kids boring, plain, and all the same. Sure, really. And all you can ask is to bring more anime to America. Thank you for signing. Yeah, you can't freaking take anime away, freaking punks.

Take anime away, I'll kill meself. And I do not wish to die right now, because I'm very happy. And anime helped me realize that my life is very impertact, you punks. Can I borrow an exclamation mark? You have so many. Life is very impurtat, too, because we have anime. I just pasted one in here for Adam.

So this is to be sent to the U.S. Congress. Okay, good. Not to the President this time. No, no, no. Just all of the Congress. The purpose of my petition is to make it mandatory to have ball pits

cleaned out at least once a week. Wait, do you mean yours? No, the congressional ball pits. No. Senator Grassley, get out of there! Weird! No, it's fun! You're supposed to take your shoes off.

Any establishment that has a ball pit, including fast food places such as McDonald's, Burger King, Time Zone, etc., and also play zones like Tons of Fun, Chuck E. Cheese, etc. I have three incidents in which I would like to share with you. Oh, good. Some of you might not be parents, but you may have nieces, nephews, grandchildren, or friends with children.

This will pertain to you, too. Okay. The first of which, a simple incident. A boy was playing in the ball pit in a play area once, and he lost his watch. He soon became very... It's like a ghost story. That's watch. He soon became very... It's like a ghost story. He soon become very

upset and his mother and himself dug through the balls trying to find his watch. Then he pulled his hand out and there was a hook on it! And the skeleton popped out! Petition for less skeletons in the ball pit. And then it melted. Seriously, it melted.

Instead of finding the watch, they found vomit and feces and other stuff and objects in which they did not want to discuss. Wait, so they found vomit and feces and then they kept digging? I think it's much worse that you cannot be mentioned.

Elder's horror. Ancient things. The mother went to the manager to complain And it turns out that the ball pit only got cleaned Once a month She had doubts that he was even done that much So just that month Someone pooped

In the ball pit I think weekly cleanings aren't necessarily going to fix these issues Is there going to be like A rival't necessarily going to fix these issues. Is there going to be like a rival that's going to be like, I want more poop in the ball pit. Well, see, it's tough. See, the hose gets the vomit in the feces, but the eldritch horrors underneath doesn't really reach that far.

The second incident involves a mother whose name is Lauren Archer. Lauren lived with her son Kevin in a Melbourne, Australia. On October 2nd, 1999, Lauren took Kevin to McDonald's for his third birthday. After... It's a very special birthday.

After he finished his lunch, he was allowed... I'm sorry. It's weird to special birthday. After he finished his lunch, he was allowed... I'm sorry, it's weird to call McDonald's lunch a birthday lunch. After he finished... For a three-year-old. After he finished lunch... He got a shamrock shake instead of a birthday cake. You realize he'd only get a shamrock shake on October 2nd, 1989,

if a petition had successfully been passed to have shamrock shakes year-round. After he finished his lunch, she allowed him to play in the ball pit. He started whining later on. Lauren asked him what was wrong. He pointed to the back of his pull-up and simply said, Mommy, it hurts.

My upbringing. It sucks. That's why I'm whining. Mommy, my diabetes is acting up again. I'm raising a terrible home. It all hurts, Mommy. It all hurts. She couldn't find anything wrong with him at the time. She bathed him when they got home,

and it was at that point that she found a welt on his left buttock. Upon investigating, it seemed as if there was something like a splinter under the welt, and she made an appointment to see the doctor the next day, but he soon started vomiting and shaking. Then his eyes rolled back into his head. He's like a sprinkler, but with vomit shooting out of his head. He's possessed! Yeah, it was just the exorcist happened all of a sudden.

He ate a haunted hamburger! From there we went to the emergency room. So she was the writer to the Wait, we went to the emergency room? So she was The writer of the petition Was there with this woman from Melbourne, Australia No, she She accidentally Forgot that she was making up the story

It's very conceptual Now we as the reader are there It's very fourth wall breaking We now take you to the emergency room We go to the emergency room. Yes, we go to the emergency room. He died later that night. It turned out that the welt on his buttock was the tip

of a hypodermic needle that had broken off inside. What? The kids were shooting up in the ball pit. What the fuck was the hypodermic needle made out of that it broke off? They're made of surgical steel. The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a heroin overdose.

Never mind, I believe your story now. Now from the wording, that's not the drug. He had too many female heroes in his life. The next week, the police removed the balls from the ball pit. There was rotten food, several hypodermic needles, some false, some used, knives, half-eaten candy, diapers, feces, and the stench of urine. So I'd just like to point out that that story is an early internet chain letter hoax. What do you mean hoax?

Does hoax mean true? Some full, some used hypodermic needles as if junkies are getting into the playland and they have to scoot them out of there. They're so excited by the ball pit they forget to do the heroin. Ha ha ha ha!

I'll just leave the rest of this black tar heroin for later. If we're going to have a heroin den, you know, hide in plain sight. What was happening is the winter was coming and they had to bury the heroin so they could come later.

Oh, like junkie squirrels. That's terrific. Yeah, exactly. My final incident was at Burger King, where a small boy had been playing in the ball pit and started complaining of his legs hurting. He died later, too.

Oh, this one's faster. Wait, do you mean he died as a kid, or just he died later? He lived to a ripe old age and then he died at 80. But he was in a ball pit at one point in his life. He was loved by his family. He died as a boy because he was found to have snake bites all over his legs buttocks.

The buttocks and his legs. The buttocks and his legs had the stage legs buttocks when they when they clean the ball pit they found that there was a snake's nest in the ball pit. Sure! Yeah, totally, I believe, yeah. Because snakes make nests in ball pits. Yeah, you guys are trying to figure out the correlation here. And here's what happened. He had suffered numerous bites from a very poisonous snake.

I should point out, it's not a venomous snake, it's a poisonous snake. So after getting bitten by the snake so many times, he then ate it and died. He got stung by it. Well, he was like, maybe this will make it stop biting me. Look, it's obvious Burger King put snakes in the pit to keep the heroin junkies out.

They just walk up and it's like, alright, let's go over here and show... Oh, Jimmy, there's fucking snakes in here. Fuck this. Nah. Nothing's worth this. I love your junkie voice. That's terrific. Thank you.

They're gangsters from the 20s, I guess? There's Jimmy the Needle, and there's Johnny the Needle, and there's Mac the Needle, and... Cheez it, you mugs! What has this world come to? If a child is not safe in a child's play area,

then where are they safe? Snake nest. I'm going to say snake nest. Please those who care about children or the fairness of life, please sign. I cannot stress how important this is. Yeah, the signatures list kind of looks like an Oprah audience here.

There's the one random guy. You get a snake-filled ball pit. Alright, it's time for one of my favorite uses of the online petition site. Okay, good. Lemon. Yeah. Okay. My name's none of your business,

but... Okay, this is my petition. It is sent to my friends. There's 31 people that have signed it. So thanks, guys. I was on the phone last night with the most important person in my life. And like usual, my foul mouth had to diss her off again. What?

What? I know I sounded a little too harsh last night. And now she's ignoring me. Till now, she hasn't texted me or answered any of my calls, and I'm very upset. Can anyone please sign this petition and convince her not to be angry at me anymore? Your help is deeply appreciated. John, you're Jabroni. Jabroni.

My name is Jabroni. Chill out, bro. So this guy is trying to create gang stalkers. This is how it starts. This is why I think maybe the internet's a good thing, whereas if the guy who shot Reagan had the internet, maybe he would have just stalked Jodie Foster on Twitter. I'll prove my love to you by liking your post on Facebook.

Yeah, it's made creepy behavior just easier and easier to ignore. Alright, I'm taking this one. Fucking love this one. Oh my god. Hi, I'm an anonymous person, and I want to send this to Regenerative Medicine. So, dear Regenerative Medicine. This petition was created to show the demand for foreskin regeneration okay the people who signed this petition show that they are willing to pay money

to have their foreskins lost from circumcision back staple it back in place the technology is there and this petition shows that the demand is as well. Tissue regeneration has come a long way quickly. Let's make foreskin regeneration possible for those who want their whole body back. Okay, Frankendick,

whatever you want. Okay, we have this, we've developed this technology. It can help people who have been burned Grow back skin It can help other people who have skin No first my dick needs a hoodie After that maybe

My name is Lindsay Ward And my husband and I Both want his foreskin Back Please stop saying that Creepy doll It's a new Mel Gibson movie back. Please stop saying that creepy doll. It's a new Mel Gibson movie.

Give me back my foreskin. We left it in the ball pit. Ah! Stog, if you'll take James Chegwidden. James Chegwidden. Hi. My name is James Chegwidden. Hi. And foreskin for Chegwooden. Hi.

And foreskin forcibly removed at birth. And I want it back. I did not give consent as a newborn. Right. My name's Eric Marshall. I was circumcised against my will as an infant. Having learned what the foreskin is and everything that circumcision took away from me, I would never have agreed to be circumcised,

and I would do just about anything not to be circumcised. This is a Mel Gibson movie. Non-surgical foreskin restoration has made a huge difference for me, and it is certainly the current option for other circumcised guys, but in the end, all that foreskin restoration does is stretch skin from the shaft of the penis to cover the head, while

not restoring any of the specialized erogenous tissue found in the foreskin, which is ultimately what we want, and back where we want, back where it rightfully belongs! Is he just tugging on the skin on the side of his penis until it's loose? Yeah, this is a whole, again, this is going to be a future

F Plus episode, but dudes will actually, they actually like, kind of get fish hooks, and then they hang weights from their dick skin. Oh, Christmas tree! In order,

you know, sort of, just stretch the skin down, and sort! Oh, Christmas tree! In order, you know, sort of just stretch the skin down and sort of create... Like, because it's not foreskin. It's... Where the fuck was I? Okay, so where it rightfully belongs. The prospect that regenerative medicine may one day be able to recreate a true foreskin,

not just the skin, but nerve endings, erogenous tissue, and all that really, truly, at least physically makes circumcision a reversible mutilation is one of the very few reasons that keep me willing to go on living. Whoa. Okay.

So, his entire life quest is to get his dick skin back. What are those other reasons? Here's my reasons for living. Drinking Bud Light Lime. Mad Men. Getting my foreskin back. Can we totally record a movie trailer? Hey, Boots, will you take that Colin Winner there?

Oh, God, I've got to move my mic again. Hi, I'm Colin Winner. Hey, Colin. I want my penis the way God intended it to be. Make it happen. Okay. All right, here we go. Make it happen, fucking Americans,

forcing your beliefs down outthroats. The outthroat is what they call foreskin in other countries. Hey, hey guys. My name is Al. Hey Al. And I wouldn't tattoo a baby... Oh! Okay! ...Under a foreskin.

Me neither. Not until the petition passes. Fucking gimme dap, Al, I guess. Brofist. Alright, it's time to close this out with my favorite one. John, why don't you give us the title thread on this one. Totally.

Okay. Stop and disassemble the large Had on this one. Totally. Alright. Okay. Stop and disassemble the large Hadron Collider. Sent to CERN. Now, everyone, everyone, quiet. Fire yourselves, assholes. I know you guys worked a lot on this, but hey,

I've given this some thought, and apparently it's bad. Think to yourself Why would you risk the universe In order to study it Why The people at CERN are creating a large device Called the Large Hadron Collider

This device is meant to study The universe, matter, physics And the such Sure yeah it's fucking science And fucking I don't know The people writing all of these petitions just, they run out of specifics so fast. And you know what I'm trying to say. Universe, matter, physics, and the such.

Fucking particles? Stephen Hawking's famous book, The Universe and Whatnot. But the device has the possibility of destroying all of that It is so important to study this stuff, why do we want to risk getting rid of it? Risk everything for a few studies? Why not study it in the way

we have been, intelligently You know, with the Bible and shit. Now, I do not mean to offend the people working on it. I intend only to prove my point. There is no reason to write this machine off as safe when there is no way to prove it is. Oh my god, that's actually really true.

Without saying, there's no proof it is not safe either, but the risk is too large to take. Excuse me, Large Hadron Collider. Can you give me documents that prove that you won't destroy the fabric of the universe? I wrote this petition because somewhere in a thing about CERN it said black holes and I got very scared. How many really... Eight people on Star Trek. I didn't read anything else other than the words black and holes.

That's how I pick out my porn as well. This is not a laughing matter, sir. Alright guys, we have 49 pages of signatures on this. Feel free to find whatever comments you want to read. I've pasted some into the chat here. Well, I have to be

Alex. I was just about to say. My name is Alex. I like Grover. Hey! Stop Collider. We are dying. Okay, my name is Matsumoto. Stop your stupid physics theories

and do something else! If it does destroy the planet, where will the research go, dummy? You guys aren't as clever as you think, so go away and crawl into your holes where you came from! We are very disappointed that people like you exist on this planet. Move out and do it on the moon or something because we don't need the moon if the moon explodes well the moon isn't part of our universe so you don't have to worry about it i didn't think it was possible to peel out your pickup truck in an internet comment so

there you go hi my name is Sponge. Please stop making the collage-ry. The hard-ons might destroy the universe as we know it. Yeah, they will. My name is Rice. Please, Donut. Do it.

For I have no children, and yet an-a-one a-babby. And who can-noot for I have no children and yet and I want a babby and who can't right way from me I want babby

god damn it sounds just like my girlfriend I want babby god damn it Sounds just like my girlfriend. I want a bad big epidemic. She's going to kill me for that. That's all right. I don't think she understands English.

Here's a, hi, I'm Charles. It's called a God particle for a reason. Stop this before we're all dead. We are like, we are like worms next to the Lord. There are somethings we should not know. There's a word you got terribly wrong there. Somethings we should not know. I've never seen anyone stutter in comments.

That's terrific. It's foghorn leghorn. I love it's called a god particle for a reason. It's called this completely made up term for a god particle for a reason. It's called this completely made-up term for a reason, guys. Hey, guys. I'm... I'm Anthony Broccoli. Okay. Are you from the

fucking VeggieTales? You have a song about the large hadron collider. Yeah. I'm gonna sing my song about the large hadron collider. Are you related to Albert Broccoli

of the Bond franchise? One day, I will be President of the United States of America and lead the world to peace and prosperity. America under the rule of Anthony Broccoli. President Broccoli is my favorite stop-motion cartoon.

And I will not allow a machine run by knowledge-gl gluttonous scientists. Oh, that is an awesome burn. To impede me. Knowledge gluttonous. It must be destroyed, and the people responsible must be brought down by any means necessary. By the way, are we talking about the large hadron collider that is underneath Paris?

Yeah, the one that's underneath Paris. John, Mr. Tits. My name is Mr. Tits. Please stop this. I'm so scared. I came home from work and hid in the basement. I'm going to go die. In fact, I'm so convinced of basement. I'm going to go die. In fact,

I'm so convinced of this, I'm going to kill myself. May God have mercy on us all. I'm terrified to have the government and such. And so on. And whatnot. All that stuff.

I like how he hid in his basement from the black hole. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Twister. Well, no, no, there's a closet to Narnia in his basement, so he's fine. Portex, you're the Jew.

The Jew, okay. Stop the scientist getting a hard-on, Collider! Stop him, Collider! Come on, Collider! Stop him, Collider! Come on, Collider, stop him. I'm Aaron. This is just wrong. Things like this are just left undealt with,

then recreating a big bag. That's... That's the true purpose of CERN, to create a giant bag. But the big bag is where I find all my savings. I like the big bag. My name is Jacqueline Cheung. I am a scientist, so I understand experiments need to be thoroughly thought out. Since this is one of the most largest and complex experiments

in the world, a few papers to assess the risk is not enough. This worries me. So at CERN, they just filled out, like, two papers and went, eh. Will create a black hole? Yes, no. Oh, uh, Adam, take Lee Michael Eva.

Why, you effing scientists! That 50 exclamation mark. You created so much things, and in the end, you are gonna destroy everything? Terrific Today was a B- day

And now it is ruined because of you, Cern I am even made to being a blade in Flyf, you know It's an online game for kids Just so we all know Wait to destroy the universe before I level up my Neopet. Grats on the ding. Baa! And why

there are no military or the government trying to stop them. F you, Cern. If my father allows me to hold a gun, I'm gonna come there and bazooka your LHC off. Holy shit.

Oh, wow. Holy shit. Off of what? The underground? Yeah. And that's not all. I'm going to shotgun every one of people who is working for CERN. Shotgun!

I'm not gonna die happy till I hear all your screams. Thank you. What? Well, at least he was polite. Okay, I found three in a row. And I love all of them. There's two Emmas.

You can take either Emma that you want. I'll start out with Danielle. Hi, I'm 17 at Collège taking childcare. I read about this in the Sum. It upset me very meh, thinking I may not see friends or my

family again, cause you want to experiment. I fight. I eat was bad enough. I eat? I eat? I eat. Experimenting on animals, Snad.

Killing them. But experimenting the Etra and killing us is far more outrageous. I mean, come on. Do you really want to risk killing our children, your childry, yourselves, just to find out whoop, we were created? I mean, we are here. That's what we really matters. I do want to have kids and get married when I'm older.

But with this, that is never going to happen. Why risk killing us, the world, animals, babies, yourselves, your families, for this experiment? And as for the human rights agreeing with this, have they lost their minds or something? They're risking the lives of themselves and their families so they can have a bit of entertainment. Well...

It's a big Nintendo. Yeah, yeah. It's gonna be fun. Woo! Slamming particles together at the speed of light. Well, that's what it feels like. I cannot believe they are actually planning

to put the world on a time bomb for an experiment because they won't know why we are here. Hi, everybody. I'm Emma, and I'm a completely different person than Danielle, who was just talking.

True, you are. Hello. Hi. Hi, I'm Emma. I'm 15 and am at school. I'm taking my GSCEs this year. But by the looks of it, I won't be able to because some stupid dumb assery came up with the idea

to see how we were created this is a modern invention I can't understand why at the end of the day the earth is here and so are we so why risk murdering the entire life and the earth and even your slefs So why risk murdering the entire life and the earth, and even your slefts? And I can't believe the human

rights have actually agreed to let this happen. And who the hell do they think they are? Know what? They are murderers. Good point. They are going to kill-y mum my nan. What?

They are going to Kili-mum-my-nan. What? Ki- The- The are going to Kili-mum-my-nan. My granddad, my dad, my baby brother, who ain't even here yet. And even their families. I think this is all written in Droog. I can't believe I cried when I heard this. I was actually going to kill myself at 15.

I was going to do that because you people want to kill us. What the fuck? That makes no sense. You kept firing me. I quit. Yeah. How does that make you feel, a 15-year-old wanting to kill them slefs? Because you, I hope you feel sick with disgrace.

Stop the LHC, Emma. And now we need someone completely different named Emma. Hi, I'm Emma from the future. I may as well kill my children and my family now I ain't. I am carrying my fourth child. Shall I kill him as well?

Because that's what you've done, killing us, you're murdering us. You may as well let all the murderers out of jail, to be honest. If the human rights really cared about us, then they would stop this. Now, why kill us? You are our family, our friends. You make me want to kill myself. I mean, I think what you're doing.

Think about other pelped, not yourself. I mean, I think what you're doing, think about other Pelped, not yourself. I mean, come on. Think. Please think. I don't want to die. Please, someone stop this, because the Fuken and I am at a right who are supposed to protect us, are going to kill us. They don't care about

us, or they would stop this. Oh, lord. I like how the human rights are like a superpower organization My name is James Buchanan. Oh Hey, what's it like being a dead president? I don't know because I'm too mad. Okay Dinosaurs died when they fired their own hadron collider. I think he means large hadrosaur collider.

And there we go. Round about an hour of change we can believe is stupid. Booth, what'd you learn this week? I guess I learned that on the scale of making the world a better place, signing an online petition ranks slightly below the concept of awareness. Yeah, totally. I mean, this makes fucking Kony look like a well-thought-out campaign that will involve active and good change to the world. Yeah, yeah.

Which it's not. Yeah, you know, people want to make a difference, and they want to also put as little effort into it as possible. Yeah, you know, I don't usually like, you know, portmanteaus that the internet gives to us. But I do honestly have a fondness for the term slacktivism. Because I have a Facebook account. I have a number of Facebook friends, some of whom are politically motivated. And the amount of just dumb shit that they'll put forth to go, I want this thing to be different, is baffling.

And then it's also great when not only are they shouting about something that they're not going to do, but also the thing that they care about is stupid in the first place. Right, right. Somebody should fix it. Just whoever. Right, right. Somebody should fix it. Just whoever. Right. Somebody. Maybe somebody reading that Facebook post. I think there's maybe a thing of when they talk about generational disenfranchisement,

your Generation Y or whatever, they always come up with different names for the thing after Generation X. But, you know, the thesis is that that group of people that I myself belong to is disenfranchised. They believe that they have no power. And so I think what they also are assuming is that other people have that power. assuming is that other people have that power. And so, you know, if I could just find the right guy that would pull the lever that says war off, like that would be awesome. Yeah, surely it's got to be somebody in your group of friends.

Our guest for this episode was Adam Bozarth, a member of the Left Handed Radio sketch comedy troupe who were also forced to endure that stupid disaster of a podcast competition we did a while ago. Left Handed Radio have their own monthly podcast, New Sketch Comedy on a Monthly Basis, available at lefthandedradio.com. The content for this episode was suggested by Locklow on our

website, thefpl.us. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Hey, guys. Hey guys Can you hazard a guess As to what an organization That calls itself APMD American Something

Yeah what is it Well My name is Digimon Forever And you can call this organization The APMD the Anti-Pause Making of Digimon Committee. Mom. People against not make of more Digimons. Hey, you know that little green squiggle, that grammar squiggle that was underneath the name of your organization? That meant something. No, that's Squigglemon, and his power is to sit under my words.

Red squiggle means bad, Green squiggle means good. Yeah. I created this organization to help convince Toei Anime to keep Digimon going. Our goal is to at least convince them to give us Season 5 and the second digital movie. We need your help by posting your forum's names here where you

live. Your support will help the show continue. P.S. The fate of the digital world lays on our hands. Oh no. Oh no. I saw a real Digimon once. Our hands are really asleep. Digimon.

Digital monsters, come over and sign this petition.