The F Plus - 78: The Devil Went Down To Tumblr

Episode Date: July 26, 2012

As the debate about the United States being a Christian Nation™ rages on (mostly in the form of poorly conceived Chick-Fil-A marketing efforts), we at The F Plus (excluding its leader, who spent the week on other pursuits) found ourselves wondering: What is the truest vision of Hell, and is Brokencyde making records there? Fortunately for us all, Tumblr exists, and if there ever was a more informative website than Tumblr, I haven't seen it. Full disclosure: The writer of this summary has only ever seen Tumblr and CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com. This week, The F Plus has a coupon for half of any sandwich energy.

One last thing before we go on. I just wanted to say that that post was tagged with Malfus Shard BS Trasgeo weird shit. Hello and welcome to the F+, Terrible Things Read with Enthusiasm. My name is John. And I'm Portex. And John, I've been wondering, just out of nowhere for no reason at all. Uh-huh, sure.

You know that whole idea of hell being full of lava like demons with pitchforks and ironic punishments and that sort of thing right right the gary larson hell far side type deal yeah yeah um is so where did that come from is that that's actually in the bible or is it where that come from actually that is actually interesting no not really um the only references you get to hell are basically i mean the most definite references are Jesus saying, it's on fire, the worm doesn't die, and you don't want to be there, because you'll be tortured all your eternal life.

There's no actual description. It's not a fire and brimstone place. Like, for instance, the whole idea about it being like a doom level or something, that's not in the Bible at all. Or Dante's Inferno. Anything like that. Huh. That's weird because, I mean, I have a website

here from a self-proclaimed demon. Hmm. Yeah. He calls himself Spectrum X and, uh, I don't know. A very demonic name. Yeah. And, I don't know, just, uh, I guess just by coincidence,

you know, he says he's from hell, and he says, you know, it's got like meat everywhere and blood and, you know, giant bat monsters and that sort of thing, and genies. It's got genies in there. Oh, it's genies, too. Yeah. So we're mixing and matching.

Yeah. This is a very interesting D&D campaign he's running. Hmm. Well, it is the Bible, but does he have a Tumblr? He does. Well, it's hard to debate that. I mean, the Bible, Tumblr, you know,

it's evil footing. Yeah, you got a good point. Can't point that. You know what? Before I judge him any further, let's go ahead and hear from him. Let's see if his Doom-level Dante's Inferno interpretation of Hell is really, you know, the one he's... the real one.

You know, since he's been there, of course. He knows how it looks. Yeah. I like it. Let's get to our readers. Yay! In the room tonight, we have Nutshell Gulag. Double Bunny wants a ham.

Chinchilla Chestnut. From now on, call me Malfus Portax. Bump Girl. Boots Reindeer. She got possessed by the Demon of Silence. Hold on, I'm making cupcakes for the minions of hell. Jack Chick.

My dark soul will infest the powers under the tower that the shreds and shaped horns when the seal of darkness... A-Zero Collado. Me and Lucifer are totally nomming on a spirit sandwich. And I'm John Toast. Swallowing your sandwich soul.

Thanks, Gargamel. This is This is a guy named Spectrum X And um Okay that's starting good right there. Yeah, that's pretty good. SpectrumX. Bumgirl, introduce us to SpectrumX. Please.

Okay. Is that the Emma Dracht Tumblr thing? Yes. Okay, how do I know that I'm SpectrumX? Because I pasted this and said you're SpectrumX and read it. It's this guy's Tumblr. You are Spectrum X. Yes, that's your motivation.

I'm Spectrum X. Rant. So sick and tired of being part of a minority that gets excluded, erased, trampled on, etc, etc, etc. Filipino. Most media show white people. If there are Asians, it is Eastern Asian,

a.k.a. Japanese, Chinese, etc. Never seen Pinoy character in fiction. Transgendered. Enough said. Non-binary, non-human gender. Incarnated demon. Seen pagan, human-sense. What was that? incarnated demon seen pagans and christians talk shit about my people talking shit about the demon people.

It's one thing if a demon attacking you. It's another thing if you are just regurgitating propaganda. If you regurgitate a propaganda is the name of my new band. Blah, blah, blah. I don't worship Satan. Blah, blah, blah. All demons are evil. Shut the fuck up.

I am painfully aware I'd be indifferent. I fucking hate it. If I get shit for this post, may Malfus shit on you and light it on fire. I am so fucking pissed right now. Tags, otherkin,

demonkin. I think somebody should read the intro that's on the right under daemonic scratch the daemonic scratch book I was thinking I gotta look at this website sure sparks.weebly.com

I'm a demon stuck in a meat body blame forced incarnation I'm what you call otherkin child and a consort of Malthus. Derpy at times. Derpy. Oh, those derpy demons. They're so wacky.

It's like, child and consort of Malthus. Damn your soul. You're brutal. Banana peel. It's the demon that always falls over the ottoman at the beginning of the episode. Always slipping on entrails. Every exorcism It's the demon that always falls over the ottoman at the beginning of the episode. Always slipping on entrails. Every exorcism is like the bloopers from The Exorcist.

Your mother sucks co- oh wow! I fell right down. There's literally no part of this guy that doesn't make me want to punch him in the dick. Don't worry Jack, this will get even better for you later. Would you say that about everybody? Here you go, Ace here. The second link is who I am. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh god. Is that your maniacal laughter? It's not very good. This is not... Oh, fuck you. This is my immensely amused laughter. Well, that's okay for that, then. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Shall we begin, then? Yes. Major note here. Malthus is my creator and consort. Hooray! As a young human, we usually have a parent-slash-child relationship, albeit with sex. Hooray! I'm fine with incest, as long as it's not humans doing it.

Hooray! Okay, then. Wait, that doesn't... that contradicts. As a young human, we usually have a parent-child relationship, albeit with sex. I'm fine with incest, as long as it's not humans doing it. He's having sex with Derry Brown. That's right. I'm not okay with this.

Look, look, I'm going to... Let me explain. I'm not okay with this. Let me explain. I'm glad you brought that up. You see, demon incest has a whole lot of cultural things attached to it that I'm still learning about. Mostly tentacles. Oh, yeah. Cultural things. Fantastic.

You're probably wondering, how is a demon using the internet? Yes. Well, let me tell you. Forced incarnation. Oh, right, again. True forced incarnation. The answer isn't just internet, dork? No. Forced incarnation. Asshole.

Forced incarnation. I didn't want to be here. I have become flesh. I wonder what's happening on Reddit right now. It's kind of funny. Most demons are desperate to take over mortal bodies and wreak havoc on the world, but this one's like, nope, nope, don't want it.

Do not call me pagan or neo-pagan. Those words have connotations that I do not sync up with. Right. Do not use the term woo. That's W-O-O. Hey, don't use that. Don't. Stop it. Don't do it.

I told you to stop that. I'd like you to woo you. Hey. When Ric Flair was wrestling, he just went into seizures. Or any variation of it when referring to my notes.

DuckTales. Hey, I don't care if you use it personally, but don't use it when talking to me. I consider the term woo to be disrespectful. To me, it has the connotation you can't fucking believe that stuff is real as meat reality.

I don't know what I just said there. Just as a note, I have no fucking clue what that's about. That doesn't actually make any logistical sense. I might be a demon, but use cultural sensitivity when posting. Unlike most otherkin,

non-human Therians, etc., I don't call myself crazy or repress my kin's side. Rolls eyes. I'm learning about demon culture slash morality, and I need people to respect that. Also, I am not fully human. Short of things like murder is bad, and rape is is bad and not owning up to abuse is bad and learning how to stop being abusive is good, don't stuff your morals down my throat. Morals are not penises, dammit.

Ingest, A-OK. You can stuff your penis down my throat, apparently. I'm cool with that. I learned that in my ethics class. Alright. I'm the incarnated shard of a demon, split into several independent pieces that are linked to each other.

Another shard, Drasdea, posts here. Drasdea and I have triggers, so respect that or get foe. That rule is triggering to me. Don't worry, the next rule explains it. Let me explain. Prior to human existence,

I had to endure abuse and torture from Asmodee for nearly a millennia due to a political fuck-up that Malfus did. Occasionally, I will post things on coping with the after-effects and PTSD. Respect this.

Respect my imaginary PTSD. Yeah. How the fuck do you come up with this bizarre-ass shit and then be like, oh, I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. What this really is, is like, this person's like, man, everybody talks about triggers because they've had something bad happen. Well, I want to be special like that too and get treated nicely. Nothing happened to me though.

Oh, I'm getting a vision from Demon World. Asmodee, mess with me for millennia. Now I have triggers. I'm special. Alright, look. This is simple. People who have offended Draz or I get blocked slash ignored. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I am protective of my shard. Malfus protects this journal and keeps an eye on it. Oh, God, we're all in trouble. Man, the worst thing I could possibly do as a demon is to ban you from my forums. Actually, now the angels sell fear to dread, lest they be ignored.

Okay, we're moving into some demonic BDSM stuff. Yeah. So, when dealing with Drasdea, refer to her with male pronouns. In Malphine culture, usage of female pronouns is a very intimate act. Major, major offense to refer to Dras

with female pronouns if she hasn't given you permission. So, I'll... I'm sorry if I ever offended you by calling you a female. a female We're shards of demons Fuck that, I'm a pretty pretty princess I have major issues with shaman

sickness and god slavery Do not lecture me on why those things are acceptable What are those things? Fair enough As an incarnated shard, my human brain cannot handle all the knowledge Answer me on why those things are acceptable! What are those things? Fair enough. As an incarnated shard, my human brain cannot handle all the knowledge slash memories. Be aware of this. I am relearning some things.

Like social behavior. Yes, but it's in small bits and pieces. Summoning demons can be hazardous to your health. This will be updated from time to time. summoning demons can be hazardous to your health. This will be updated from time to time. What, how hazardous it will be to your health? Yes, yes, sure.

As soon as we find some hazards. I rant a lot. Here's a hazard. If my rants piss you off, please take a deep breath and walk away. I don't rant to debate people. I rant to get things off my chest. Like everybody else, I guess.

I hope this helps you learn about me now. Do you feel more educated? Yeah. You know, the picture I'm getting of these demons is that they're real wusses. Yes. Like, oh, I am a demon. Somebody blocked me on Tumblr? I've been raped for a thousand years.

Wait, somebody used she instead of he? Oh god, what am I gonna do? Okay, so, nutshell. I mean, Satan, what am I gonna do? No trigger, trigger, trigger. Nutshell. What? You like cute animals, right?

I love cute animals. You love cute animals? You wanna read about a cute animal? Yes. This is really, really short, but You like cute animals, right? I love cute animals. You love cute animals? Do you want to read about a cute animal? Yes. All right. This is really, really short, but just this first paragraph about one of the animals that's in hell. Okay. What?

It's called an undertone screech scratch huff huff. It sounds like a kitty. Oh, that sounds cute. The title above is what noise breather bats call themselves. They communicate through low noises, scratches, and high-pitched frequencies. These sounds are like noises to them. To them, a scratch on the right member can speak as loudly as a scream. Noise breather is the literal translation of undertone, screech, scratch, huff, huff. The term refers to them learning how to control their echolocation in their larval state.

Undertone, screech, scratch, huff, huff. These sounds are like noises to them. Coincidentally, that's how these nerds who believe they're demons, that's how they call their mom to get them dinner. Scratch, scratch, scratch. them dinner. Scratch, scratch, scratch. But Toast and Boots are having a conversation

about Dracht marriage. Drachts are apparently the kind of demon that this guy is. Hey guys, Betcha Max here. I gotta tell you a little bit about Dracht's

marriage. Yes. Alright. No. This is a conversation between me and Red over Skype, who shares memories with Demoness, who goes by Gali. Gali knew my full self back in the

pre-human days. Asmodee, you know that fucker who tortured me before I was human and left me with a shitload of issues That wacky guy He fucked up my memories took away the memory that I had of my own goddamn wedding

Oh, what an asshole Smiley that goes It's the only possible way to express yourself is through... Yeah, so Gali and Red helped me fill in the holes, and they're the only people who fucking know Drakk's culture that I met. How the hell did I ran into them? Dad is a master weaver of the tapestry. Ooh, smiley face.

Posted by Dad's request. Remember, I am a mere incarnated splinter of a more complex spirit. This is pretty personal for me, and I usually don't like posting stuff for my pre-human days, so yeah. I don't want to personally... I want to personally want...

Keep reading. If only I could want... He just wants to want. If only I could want. He just wants to want. If only I could want to commission a wedding portrait. If anybody wants to shit on my wedding, shut the fuck up. Hello personal from Malfus as well. All right.

Hello personal, yo. All right. I'm red. So first things first. Dragged weddings are a little different from your standard deal in the sense that it's just as much a performance as well. Who?

Drak are battle dancers, remember? They have to prove it. As a result, the entire freaking contingent is brought in for it. To also celebrate bringing a new direct into the fold. Battle

dances, weapon demonstrations, plays, the works. In between these events, guests are allowed to socialize and duel. But the bride is forbidden from dueling anyone but the husband in the final act. The bride's armor

is specifically swapped out for a ceremonial black armor to signify the presence of the Raven Lord would stay with them always. Are these people like 500 times? Still talking. That's way too slender, bro. Yeah, I was going to say, if they were on a diet

maybe. The event itself can last three days easily, though. It's not exactly a slow process in the slightest the final duel the vowels take a long time to say Jack

he has to step on the glass as slowly as possible the final duel with Malthus can take half a day alone it's a Catholic demon wedding. They fight with candles and then they tie their hands. Yeah, and five people do sermons from the Necronomicon. And then they tie each other up with chains

and fight in a video. Then they drink the blood of Christ. Now, it's longer if the Drakton question is more skilled than required Required by whom? Demons don't have to make sense You pretty much went

fighting for a full day The ceremony pretty much dictates that you fight until each one manages a single wound on each other then mingling the blood together with a passionate kiss Didn't I ended up fucking the wound I put in him?

Hiked up my skirts and then went at it? No, you didn't. You behaved yourself quite well this time around. It was very, very endearing. The sword fucking was very cute. You played it cool

specifically to piss off the people who thought you'd misbehave. If anything, Malthus let you fuck the wound after the wedding. LOL. I love old-fashioned weddings. Can we just get to my next line? Because I just want to start that line off. I don't care where we go to that. LOL.

What else happened? Well... There we go. There's kind of a thing where people can try to challenge you for the right to take your place as Malfus White. Thing is, this is a guaranteed deathmatch. Instead of going crazy and ripping them apart, you ended up dissecting them to the rhythm

of a childhood song. S-S-S-S-A-A Let me tell you, there's not much greater deterrent than that. Just tearing somebody's entrails out while singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider. A-B-C-D-E-F-G

Where is Colin? Where is Colin? Okay, so I'm going to explain this caps lock rage at Malthus in some other part of the site I don't remember where, but he says Malthus' soul is split into roughly 500 pieces each piece has its own

personality quirks. This is a caps lock post over me raging on having to deal with a new shard of him so, yeah Okay Let's see what you want with my caps lock voice raging on having to deal with a new shard of him. So... Yeah. Okay. So see what you want my caps lock voice? Once it gets to the

caps part, yeah. It's okay if you read it after Boots to keep it coherent, but I just really want to read that title in the voice I was just saying. What? The title? I just want to say makes your face and screams in caps lock! What? The title? I just want to say Make sure your face and screams

encapsulate! You may continue. Yes, as Toast said, this is make sure your face and screams encapsulate! Yay! That's good, too. Alright, guys. All right, guys.

Spectromax here. So, I'm still wiped out from the void. Thank God school don't start up in a week. Was it a gusher? Oh, man, I'm so wasted from spanning the void between dimensions, the place where only darkness exists and no thought can escape. Man, that was a bummer. And boy, are my arms tired.

Oh my god, I have a test this week! And I didn't study for my SAT! I showed up to my class naked. God damn it! Also, I am emotionally tired from last night. So basically, Malfus has shards, yeah?

You remember this, right? Because of him operating on a longer time frame than us, the shards that deal with me sleep for half the year. Guess what? Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah. Guess what? The shards that I got, all mushy, cuddly, snuggly,

I love you with, went to sleep. And a new shard showed up. Cue me feeling abandoned last night. I like routine. I like stability. And a new shard showed up. Cue me feeling abandoned last night. I like routine. I like stability. I like not having to deal with different versions of my father every six months. Sure you do.

Yeah. Just when I feel nice and secure and safe, that shard of Malthus falls asleep. Malthus, to be more accurate, is the name of the entire shard network. They're all Malfus, but different versions of them. I like version two better. Each with their own feelings, sexual orientations, genders, etc. Those shards can download information and overlay each other.

I'm just like my mommy since I got shards to her. Her. Malfus is such an asshole. Can I stop trying to make sense of this? Is that how you guys are going to do this? To answer your question, yes. This means Malfus can be straight, gay, pansexual, asexual, madwoman, starfish all at once.

I like starfish. Patrick. That was the name of my other band, starfish all at once. I like starfish. Patrick. That was the name of my other band, Pansexual Starfish. And those feelings contradict. I once had two shards telling me different things. It's Ogg. Jesus fucking Christ.

No wonder my identity confused me for years. Why would that confuse you? Because Og. Because Malthus is part of him, and he is Malthus. But Malthus is his dad. This person is getting way too into these online role-playing game forums. No.

This is real. I'm sorry, I'm just really bitchy. I'm having to restart my relationship with Malfus again two periods see this shard's name is Trasgeo Trasgeo

does that mean anything? translated as gentle pen in English what? so it's got one of those rubber things at the end that's nice demons have pens, everyone. Millennia before the humans walked the earth, they invented the pen.

Well, no, it's when they're young, they're raised in pens. He just views me as one of his many children. No romantic feelings at all. My dad is such a dick, he doesn't want to fuck me anymore. How weird. How weird. How weird.

The shard, that just went to sleep. We call him the guardian. So he's a failed DC superhero? View me more as his wife. Well, the Justice League ain't working out. I guess I'll fuck with this crazy person's head. Nerd joke, continue. Cue me getting used

to having romantic feelings and shit and Strasio is like the romantic feelings will grow in time within me and I'm like I have to learn your personality your rules, educate you on human culture again educate you about my quirks

like me running around the house screaming penis oh oh oh man, that's so wacky that's such a quirk, running around the house screaming penis. Oh! Oh man, that's so wacky. That's such a quirk, running around the house. Also, from that last sound, you pronounced penis really weird.

No, no, no. He's running around the house yelling, screaming penis. Ah! No. Oh! Penis-og. That's demon for gentle penis. You failed to notice where the punctuation is. He's running around the house with a screaming penis.

Yeah, that's exactly it. The penis is screaming. No, I'm pretty sure he's running around the house screaming penis. So it's a penis that is screaming, House! House! I think that's what's going on. It's a house screaming penis. That's a house streaming feed.

He's just circling. How often does this person have to do this? House! And I have to do this every six months. Shit. And some of the other shards, I know, and interacted and came back, but they have emotional issues

and don't understand human culture and are demanding. So their behavior is like abusive. So Transgeo had to show up. And he's new to me. Good or bad? He's new to me and I'm new to him. And I'm like, OMG. I have a new relationship.

Oh my god. Again. Oh my god. So yeah. Oh my god. So yeah. Screams. Screams. Screams. Screams. For a demon, he seems to be calling on god an awful lot.

Why couldn't the... How do I pronounce it? Goetia? Goetia? Goetia? Okay. Goatia. Goatia. Why not? Doesn't matter. The pronunciation is Goatia? Goetia? Okay. It's Goatia. Goatia?

Why not? It doesn't matter. The pronunciation is Goatia. We're dealing with a guy that's got a house-screaming penis. I think you can pronounce it however you want. Why couldn't the fucking Goetia

have notes on Malfus' fucking shards instead of one stupid paragraph? Demon lore sucks. Agreed. Agreed. Oh, and it turned out one of the Dresdio's kids incarnated a sea pig. I introduced myself to Dresdio

with a picture of a sea pig, because I didn't have the spoons to give him the lowdown on my shard network. Here's a picture of a sea pig. I don't have the spoons. I accidentally closed the window, so I gotta get back. I've got plenty of spoons back that is a sea pig he thinks they're adorable

and they are adorable fucking dad sex dad my 500 sex dads are such jerks that's a non-sex dad though I just I love the person I know we look at a lot of crazy people but this person's head is just throwing me for a loop.

The point where they're like, oh man, all these shards with emotional issues and problems show up. Why can't I have the shards that are my dad and molest me? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? I have something for you. I have something for you to read. You're going to like this, alright? Jack?

There's one special demon. Dude, what the hell? Why are you... Hang on. Listen to me. Why are you freaking out here? Because I have something to show you. You're going to tell us about a demon.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Alright, so Jack, are you going to tell us about a demon. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. So, Jack, are you going to tell us? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That is a wicked lyric right there. And now it is also clear why you wanted Jack on this episode. Oh, yeah. You need like a guitar riff or something.

All right. We've got to give our attention to Jack. Jack, tell us about this demon. What's his name? Amdusias, Lord of Metal. He is a duke great and strong,

appearing at first like a unicorn, but at the request of the exorcist, he standeth before him in human shape, causing trumpets and all manner of musical instrument. Like Malthus, Amdusias is split into several shards. The youngest of these shards is the personification of metal as a genre, since Amdusias, as a musician, can respect all genres of music.

I came into contact with this shard while rocking out to Dimmu Borgir. And I heard the words, Do you like what you see? Got a vision of him with a unicorn skull for a head in tattered black robes with a black guitar for a witch with human gut for the strings and blades jutting out of the body. Pretty fucking wicked. Jack is wicked so far.

Ended up squealing and jumping up and down in a fan demon moment. Sweet drops. It was so fucking awesome. Yeah! The lord of metal appreciates those who enjoy

his work. Most of the Muxqpaharan demons politely shun him since they are disturbed by all the bloody and gory art he makes in his spare time. Amdushas in this respect is saddened by this. Like all artists, he wants to enjoy his work and self-expressions. When I have funds to do so, I am going to order a horse skull and a long metal drill bit to serve as its horn for a shrine to the Lord of Metal.

Oh, I don't know. If you have a long metal drill bit, you can go out and get your own horse skull for free. Oh my fucking god. This kid needs to go to a show so bad. Jack, would you want to take him to a show? Dude, I would take him to a show.

He'd be like, oh, hey, I've been living my life in a stupid fucking retarded lie. That's fucking dumb. Oh my god. All right, so what would be the best bad to cure this guy of his idiocy? Yeah, Jack. No, I mean, literally, you just show him, like, take him to a fucking Numu Borger show, and he'd be like, Wow, this is boring as shit. I'm gonna suggest Erasure.

Yeah, totally. Nutshell? Yes? Don't ask what for. Tell me about something sad. Okay. Something sad happened. Uh me about something sad. Okay. Something sad happened. Uh-oh.

Oh, no. Are you okay? In remembrance. Tonight, I am grieving. I am remembering. Malfus told... Okay, okay, let's wait here. This might actually be something legitimate in real life and something actually sad.

Just let's all get... Okay, you're right. I apologize for not taking this with something actually sad. Okay, you're right. I apologize for not taking this with sufficient gravitas. Okay, let's go. In remembrance, tonight I am grieving. I am remembering. Malthus told me this night, after we had a bout of lovemaking,

I had read up on him and I asked curious. Never mind. Continue the ridicule. making I had read up on and I asked curious the dinner gone extinct an entire family branch wiped off the map genocide oh shit I'm I'm pouring out a forty for my gin homies just fuck, just fuck, just fuck! They are, were spirits of divine fire. Looking at them was like looking at God himself. Being near one was like

feeling God's love, something my people are denied. The lords used to employ them in their court just so they could remember heaven before everything went bad. The closest thing on the physical plane that their fire looked like was Google pics of solar flares. Oh my fucking god.

That's what they looked like. Oh my fucking god. Fuck. Oh my fucking god. Really emotional now. See, Jack checks right there with you. He looked at a picture of a solar flare And his soul has just been rented to

I'm never gonna have those Humans mistake demons For gin in the modern world Back in the old days Being visited by one Was like being visited by the Holy Spirit So you drew a lot in Babel? God, this sounds like fucking shitty metal lyrics. I know I saw the last one die of her own free will. All I have left from that time is a sense of loss.

Something that will most likely never come back. Curls up into a ball and cries. Fenix is one of the few lords who is part Jyn. Hasn't been seen since the last one screamed her death keen around the time of the Crusades. It would be really horrible if I made a DreamWidth blog and said, I'm part djinn and I resent people talking about shit about my people.

I also have PTSD from the Crusades. I read the metal part too. Does that mean I can leave now? Are you done, Jack? The rest of this is really painful. What's making you upset, is that it?

You have to stay and keep us company. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. We really need screams of outrage and indignant rants. Yeah, really. Jack, what about this makes you upset? Pretty much all of it. Pretty much everything.

Like, seriously, I just want to say to this dude, leave the house. Exit your fucking room. No. Whichever way, there's going to be dorks. Jack, this could be your mission. You could make the world a better place. Now, Jack, you discount this,

but don't you remember the part of the Bible where God cut off a part of his Holy Spirit and made it into genies? Yeah, don't you remember that, Jack? It's a good point. Alright, Jack, your pet? It was second, never, Hapolonians. 613.

Let's just get the last part. You want to get the last part? Yep. So, these are Tumblr quotes. So, you know, this guy's a huge evil demon guy, right? He's evil. He has an active Tumblr account. Okay. So, I'm expecting lines about waiting in line at Starbucks and stuff about cats.

I avoid the pagan tag because I have a feeling that my existence makes them uncomfortable. Hello! Incarnated Demon here. Human views of my kind passes me off, but I don't want to deal with daily flame wars. But I read more from a spirit's point of view, and I feel I need to discuss these things. Like Malfus wrote a post a while back on how saging chases out

possibly helpful houseful spirits. Meh. Meh. Meh. Boots. Okay. Number two Must finish painting Warhammer 40k

Dark Eldar figures Must finish Demons Demons, demons, demons, demons Dark Eldar 40k yay the household spirits were gonna help me make these yes i was going to paint them but then

chargio stopped me that reminds me of the time in which i made up an mpreg scenario in which the pregnant straight dude would demand his wife to make him sandwiches and root beers and then bring it to him while he's watching NASCAR and then use his pregnancy as an excuse to

sit on the couch all day. I ruffled so hard! I'd just like to point out the cutesy nature in which this person has now written sandwiches. Sandwiches! It's like pancakes. I love my

Piscadian meat bulbs. I'm a demon. Raffle. The seventh circle of hell is actually a Spaghetti-O. It's a literal circle. This cubbyhole belongs to Malfaxus. That scenario is like, I don't know where to... Don't put your stuff in that cubby.

For one thing, you should not raffle at that, and you should also not write raffle. There was another entry where Malfus was raffle stomping things. So it's a scenario where a man uses pregnancy to become a misogynist? That's America. What do you become a misogynist? That's America. What do you have against misogynists? You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't judge.

I'm triggering a misogynist somewhere right now. Jack, take the next one. I'm not recording. Misogynist. Due to lack of funds, it's hard to justify to myself. Dropping over hundred on clothing. And then read the next line. I wanna look cute.

Pretty good. Oh, shit. That was shit. In a nutshell. Law of Lucifer being a Christian invention. If that's the case, please explain to me why there are several Luciferians on Tumblr and he talks to them. Lucifer is one of those spirits that very few people seem to seek out from what I've seen. He draws his existence on people and the rest is history. existence on people and the rest is history.

And why I know several cases of people claiming to be his offspring or relative who seem legit to me anyway. Oh, and I know a Lucifer in a multiple system who reblogs me. You see people say the Lucifer isn't real, but he reblogged

me on Tumblr. Yeah, I mean, how can you how do you present anything against that evidence? Yeah, I mean, how do you fucking, how do you present anything against that evidence? Yeah, let's just, yeah.

Lol. Yeah. Okay, if the devil isn't real, then how does he talk to people? Lol, I know the whole neat claiming to be

an incarnated demon makes me look batshit insane, but the whole antheluciferian thing and neopaganism is pissing me off, rolls eyes.

There was one little bit of, like of reality in there and I'm just latching onto it and it's the words batshit insane. It's your buoy in the sea. I think actually that's huff huff, squeak squeak, scratch insane. I think that's the word you're looking for.

Okay, I guess I'll take this next one. While same, my appetites, multiple appetites, voracious, If worn out, my half-incubus boyfriend, Ruffle Waffle. Is that his name? Yes.

I have summoned you, my half-incubus dark lord. Hi, I'm Ruffle Waffle. I got a question. Which half is an incubus? The top half. Not the dick half. Clearly not the dick half. So you go to

lulcerverus.com Bottom half. It's an incubus mermaid. Maybe he's saying that he's fucking half of the band incubus. Oh, maybe. His boyfriend is

half of the band incubus. It Oh, maybe. His boyfriend is half of the band Incubus. It's possible. He's told me his dick is gonna fall off if me, him, and his other GF ever live together. That's sweet. That's okay. Hey, that's not even incest.

This is totally fine. Mr. John Toast, you are born for the next line. I wasn't gonna do fat voice, but I don't think I can This is totally fine. Mr. John Toast, you are born for the next line. Okay. I wasn't going to do fat voice, but I don't think I can... Number seven. Holy shit, this was at Fanime. Fanime, I miss you.

That's a hungry OMG. At Phantomay, I miss you. Hung. That's a hungry OMG. That was me taking a bite of a Philly cheesesteak sandwich in the middle of my sandwich. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung.

Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung.

Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung.

Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung.

Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung.

Hung. Hung. Hung. Hung. and just go, hum, hum, hum, hum, hum. I imagine... Jack's reacting to it.

Um, Ace, yeah, it's back to you. Oh, okay. This is important. Corsets is a staple of demon nobility's fashion. Confirming the suspicion that demon nobility are all made up of fat women. Don't use female pronouns!

Shit! Oh, shit. Fat man. Shit! Trigger, trigger, trigger! Yeah, but from the picture we got of these demons, they're not going to do anything. Oh, you've triggered me!

I'm going to go cry in the corner. You've triggered me. I'm going to roll over there and get you. All right. Number nine. Yep. I want to spit tongue at some point. And if tech existed and I had the money, I would replace my legs with a cybernetic snake tail. Though I would also have cyber legs, so I can switch out the tail if I

took too much room in some places. Have I got an island for you! On somebody's way! I just really like the image of, like, man, I would love to have a snake body, except that that wouldn't work in some cases. So I'd have, you know, cyber legs also, just in case I, you know, had to have them.

I'd keep them in a backpack, like Chewbacca with T3PO. I hate being sick. I also made Lucifer a sandwich after we had a conversation. Oh. This was a much less cutesy sandwich. Lucifer really likes salami. I don't know if you knew that, but if you get salami and provolone on Darkrai, that's really good. I also made Lucifer a sandwich after we had a conversation on the nature of divine energy, and I have

no appetite whatsoever to finish the physical remains. He's been nomming on this sandwich energy all day. Oh my god, you guys! Sandwiches have souls! I guess? He even told me

that he enjoys the smells of food getting microwaved. Same principle of spirits enjoying incense. Spirits are weird. Same principle of spirits enjoying incense, except fat. Yeah, now it's obvious they're just making these demons in the presence of themselves. Nerds like, oh man, when the Totino's rolls are in the microwave, it's like incense from the gods. My demons love it too.

He's been nomming on the sammich energy all day. He spelled sandwich right. Sandwich. He's been nomming on the sammich energy all day. That's Lucifer, lord of all darkness, lies, and evil.

He's been eating a sandwich made by a lollygoth wannabe nerd. And he's not eating. He's nomming, so he's all like... Like a squirrel holding onto like... Yeah, he shoved a whole bunch of it in his cheeks and then... He's just nibbling on the rest of it. Sort of clutching it between his cute little forepaws.

Forepaws! I love leashes. I love being taken out on walkies, lol. Malthus will sometimes tether me with his spirit, eesh, when I walk to school, so all the local spirits know that she's been taking me out on a walk. Love!

She went up and down a hill. He flew and then crashed. That nutshell is an actual thing. I thought I was a human for a long ass time. Keyword thought.

Until I was 14 or so. Then I was like, what am I? Until 17. Found out I was a demon. Then started having suspicions that I was also part human. Like I knew that part of me was human. Malthus confirmed it and told me he

binded a fresh human soul never had any past life to my demon bits before I got incarnated. So I won't get bad species dysphoria and to make adjusting to Earth life easier. Thinking about it now, that was pretty

thoughtful on my creator's behalf. I guess she has gotten over the whole forced incarnation thing. So, yeah. Clearly at a later point. She's getting so much hot mouth assay.

He didn't figure out what he was. He didn't know what he was until he was 17, so that's the ripe old age after he got everything figured out in life. That's great. I wish I had everything figured out at 17. Yeah. I think we all remember

when we discovered our demon forms when we were growing spikes in odd places. No, you don't get the bad species dysphoria. Which, incidentally, that's when other kids are like, I feel my phantom tail and it hurts and I feel my wings and I'm the fattest ever.

Anyway. PTSD! Yeah, pretty much. I walk on my tiptoes because it feels like I'm a dragon with digitigrade legs. I tried to walk on my toes but I was too fat. I think you can stop but I tried to walk on my toes, but I was too fat. I think you can stop it. I tried to walk.

I do love how this person's like, oh, well, I'm actually a demon and it really affects my life and my soul, but Malthus made it so that I'm attached to a human enough that it doesn't really affect my human life. It's like I'm not actually a demon at all when I'm in human form. You can almost say I'm making shit up.

Yeah. This thing that's so important to me and I never shut up about and is my whole spiritual basis of my being doesn't really affect anything at all. You get the benefits of being a human being with the added benefits of being able to bitch about how horrible

and awful your life as a demon is. I guess I'll take this one. Great. Now I'm triggered because now I'm thinking about the more unpleasant parts of home. You know, hell. Right.

I really don't want to think about being sacrificed again for the greater good after I just got done with being imprisoned with Esmidae back in my pre-human days. Centuries of torture. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah. Unfathomable pain. Yada, yada. Etc, etc. That is why I have PTSD as a human. My other shards are even more fucked up. Meh. So, you war veterans out there, fuck you. I was a demon.

Yeah, I just came back from Iraq and I've watched kids getting their legs blown off and crawling with entrails leaking out. But this girl got tortured by demons for a millennium. I feel so ashamed of myself. Jesus Christ. That's how real veterans with PTSD act, too. Yeah, they whine on Tumblr about demons and stuff. He's gotta figure it out. I was in a war-torn situation, and I had to amp up

my adrenaline so it feels like I'm threatened at all times, and now I can't come back down to normal society. Meh. That's the key word for dealing with it. And I love talking about it. It makes everything better. I guess I'm next. Number 14.

I'd rather date non-humans since it's I don't know, since it's I don't know. You know. It's so I don't know. Let's restart. Number 14. I'd rather date non-humans since it's I don't know. They get it more than a human?

Shrugs. I haven't dated any regular humans. All the people I dated turned out to have non-human souls. Turned out to? What a coincidence. Dated someone, so turned out to dated someone and is like, By the way, I found out you're a cat. Girl says like, what?

And he's like, don't worry, I have sex with my demon dad. He said it was cool. Okay. I'm gonna go now. Dust cloud and human-shaped hole in the wall. Yeah. Malfus pops up, oh honey, I totally had dad sex with her a million years

ago. He has so many girlfriend-shaped holes in his wall. Structurally unsound home. Just various women. Acier? Oh, yes. Yeah, because I like the little last bit.

Yeah, that's pretty good. When I go back home to hell, I want to... What? Yeah, hell, I want to... What? Yeah, hell. I want to fly, eat human, fly... Wait, sorry, I thought that was a comma. So it's like eat human, fly...

Period. You want to fly, you want to eat a human, you want to eat a fly... Yeah, I want to eat a fly, I want to eat a human. I want to eat another fly because I'm fat and hungry. Swallowed a fly. I don't know why you swallowed a fly. Also, the fly was her daughter. His daughter. Whatever.

There's more here. Some of this is going to shock you. You may not have seen this coming. I also want to eviscerate things. Roll in blood. Until they smack you on the nose with a new demon. Bad dog.

Tunnel through yummy piles of meat. Om nom nom nom. So he's not that hungry. Pastrami as far as the eye can see. Fly. I'm going to fly. Have mind-blowing sex with M can see. Fly. Another fly. Have mind-blowing sex with Malfus.

And this is important. Fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, fin, I'm tired and I want to go to bed I had a little drink about an hour I think this last one needs to be Jack just because he loves this guy so much it's the last one so yeah come on Jack last one, so, yeah. Come on, Jack.

I do write about the dark and gross parts of being a demon. In Mook's Qaharan, demon noble, culture, it is acceptable to eat stillborn young as a funeral rite. Disposing of the remains either way is seen as dishonorable and disposing the meat as trash. Waiting on resources is considered a sin back home. I haven't mentioned

this shit on Tumblr before because I was too insecure and afraid to do so. I am more self-confident now if I do get some troller hater. Block! Yes! Good old demon vengeance again. He's such an insecure demon. Aye, baby. I'm too insecure to talk about it, though. But if you have Lucifer on Twitter,

he'd reblog it, wouldn't it? He'd hit the like button on Facebook. My demonic power is the Plck list! To be continued... Uh, poor Dex, what did you learn this week? Well, first all, the main lesson here is that Otherkin makes shit up all the time, and that's not really the lesson here, because we all know that. But the other lesson here is that, you know, I don't want to say that every generation is worse than the last, because that's not true. Each generation has its own set of problems.

But the Tumblr generation's biggest problem right now is that they are so isolated and they are so obsessed with, like, pop culture and comic books and cartoons and all that crap that they honestly don't realize that you shouldn't openly present yourself as being a crazy person. that you shouldn't openly present yourself as being a crazy person like you shouldn't tell people that oh i really do want to kill people i really do want to roll around in blood i really do want to have sex with my demon dad you know that's not that doesn't make you a tragic anti-hero that just makes you creepy and weird it doesn't make you fun it's it's just they just have absolutely no idea that their life is in a fucking anime yeah exactly and you know it's just sad the decline of imaginary things that people believe in and base their lives around because i mean you know you can rag on religion but back in the day there was a lot of work put into religion people wrote a lot of books i mean you could laugh at some of like the dante's inferno stuff now but i mean back in the day that

was you know i think it was pretty ornate it was pretty great and now it's like oh well my soul self lives in a doom level and I screw the genie from Aladdin that's about it it validate me internet and like you said the internet validates him yeah exactly and if you want validation

please go to thefpl.us you may not get validation there but if you want it we'd like you to come and write crazy things about I don't know how you live in Spyro's world and you're really into that gator from that video game Croc

right exactly like that's your soul I've just made that up right now but there's probably a DeviantArt group on that right now there's probably at leastantArt group on that right now. There's probably at least five. Yeah, if you want to show up and tell us that we're lying about how otherkin are lying, and how you want to kill people, and how that proves you're legit, go for it. Let us know.

Yes, please comment on how you actually do live in E1M1 of Doom, and that song is really getting annoying, but you're going to live through it. Bye-bye, demons! Bye-bye, demons! Demons! Demons! This is what we were pretty much saving the nerd voices for after all the evil demon talk. So yeah, I guess we just go in order.

In what order? I don't... Protect them without that fur in advance. Is that different from everyone else's? Because mine is... You just shout out names and then people will do things. Really? Come on, it's obvious. It's demonic order.

In demonic order? I haven't learned that yet. Malthus hasn't taught me me Traskio came in instead and now everything's messed up you haven't learned your demonic mnemonics yet oh oh

oh Toast loves you now he summoned Toast Toast has a boner hooked on demons works for me okay so