The F Plus - 79: Help Me Help Rob Help You

Episode Date: August 2, 2012

Like any modern internet citizens, we mourn the loss of AskJeeves.com. Back in its heyday, you could ask Jeeves any question, and the software would provide a response. Okay, sure - the response that Jeeves would give would have nothing to do with your question, and would instead try to point you to the website of its sponsor, but at least it was comforting that whatever your question was, Jeeves felt he has an answer. As it happens, over at the website eHelp.com, there's a similar situation. Except instead of poorly written algorithm that randomly selects a sponsor, eHelp has one guy, or maybe it's a parrot. Anyway, you'll find out when you listen. This week, The F Plus learns if slavery was a good or a bad thing.

Which worm-like insect become a butterfly? Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast, Terrible Things, Reddit Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm Boots Reingear. And, uh, Boots, how you doing this evening? Brrk! Boots is doing fantastic! Brrk! Uh, wait, what?

What was that? That's... that was my parrot. You have a parrot? Yeah, I have a parrot. Would you like to explain why you have this ridiculous affectation now? I... I can, it's just gonna take a little bit. Okay. Brrk! I can take this one.

Okay, parrot. Why does Boots Reindeer have a parrot? Brack, well, Boots was on a website called eHelp.com where every question is answered by me, Rob the Helpful Parrot. Brack? And then... What is eHelp.com?

Brack? Boots, you want to take this one? Brack? Yeah. Remember when we did Yahoo Answers? Yeah, of course I did. That was fun. Yeah, okay. So it's the same idea as that. Sure.

Except dumber. Dumber than Yahoo Answers. Yeah, dumber than Yahoo Answers. So, like, you know, people go on, they'll ask a question, and then ostensibly they'll get answers from other people, but usually the answers just come from a guy named Rob, who has a parrot icon. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So let me get this straight.

So you're saying that there's a site out there called ehelp.com, which is somehow stupider than Yahoo Answers. Yeah. And there's only one guy that answers every question? Not entirely one guy, but mostly one guy. Okay, and he has a parrot icon. Now, how come you have a parrot? Like, in his

honor, or...? Okay, so I went and I asked a question because I was fascinated in getting a new pet. I've been really lonely at home. I've noticed. And I could use some company, maybe. You know, an animal that would repeat things that I could teach it to say. And so I asked, you know, an animal that would repeat things that I could teach it to say.

Okay. And so I asked, you know, where could I buy a parrot? Well, where can you buy a parrot? At the pet store, dummy. Yeah, so that's what he said. But then a week later, a box showed up at my door, and there was this parrot that doesn't really learn anything, but certainly has a lot of opinions. All right. All right, All right.

Well, that's, you know, that sounds like a fun episode. So I think we're going to go to e-help.com. Readers and a parrot named Rob, assemble! In the room tonight, we have Boots Ring here. I'm discharging, but I'm not sure if it's obvulation or an early pregnancy time. Portex?

What is the meaning of potato? Holy shit. Nutshell Gulag. When was hydrocephalus found? John, I don't know how to get drugs out of my ear. Help! Jimmy Franks. How many positions can you have sex?

And Lemon. I am in love with a girl. How can I like her? We're going to ease into some ehelp.com. All right. I like... Okay. So this is easy. some e-help.com. All right. I like... Okay. So this is easy.

This is level one. Yeah. Okay. So my name is Anonymous User. And on March 6th of 2012, I asked the following question. Sex, help me, please! I'm horny! I see people all over my school kissing, making out, and it makes me super, super hot, and I need to fuck somebody really bad.

I really want to taste some sweet pussy. I do masturbate, though. Help. Fix me problem. So this is what asexuals think of when they think of everyone else in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what it's like when asexual is born. All right. Does somebody want to take Rob?

Wait, it's the one that responses. So should there be a dedicated Rob? I'll be the voice of reason. But before we get to Rob, Ben220201 just tells you, 202.0201 just tells you, there are things that can help ooh and websites where W-E-A-R ooh can meet M-E-A-T men for it. You can meet men for it. You can meet men. I'm a meat man. Yeah, you get your pussy from the meat man.

I suspect what you write may be more pubescent fantasy than fact, but if it is for real... Wait, no, you think it's not fact that this dude's horny and he really wants to fuck somebody? I don't believe you, teenager! Teenage boy, you're probably not interested in pussy at all. I never thought about sex when I was a teenager. Horny man is not a myth. I've seen it. But if it is for real, you're on a collision course with disaster. There are many very severe consequences to what you describe.

The first step to fixing it is to think about those consequences. That doesn't help at all. Recognize there is a problem. And that's one to grow on. Anonymous user said, I'm horny! I want to fuck something! And Rob goes, don't. Think about what you're doing.

Alright, I'm going to be Big Richard. Alright. Whoever told you pussy tastes sweet was lying. Jesus. What sort of experiences have you had? Nutshell, take Trombley. Lol, it don't test that bad.

Might be the one you had a yestinfiction. That was intentional misspelling of yestinfiction. Yestification. That's a fucking band that would tour with Limp Bizkit right there. Yeast infection. Yeast infection!

Now, I got some logic here from Young Breezy. Yeah? Pussy don't taste bad. If it does, why do porn stars eat the pussy? That's a good point, actually. And that's actually why porn stars are in porn in the first place. Yeah. All the free pussy you can eat.

I mean, it can't be gross. Porn stars do it. Question answered. Young Breezy out. What else you got? John. John. Liquid in mouth at morning

In the morning when I awake That time I got some liquid in my mouth What should I do to get ride Of that liquid, please help Saliva? My name is Rashid And I'll Alright, Rob

What does Rob have to say to that? Rob, I've got something for you Uh, spit Since Rob's icon is an African grey parrot, I'm just assuming that it's an actual parrot typing on the keyboard giving this advice Rob the advice parrot

So this is actually, yeah this is one, this website is completely set up to estimate the intelligence of one single parrot. Ask this parrot whatever question you like. Well, to be fair, I mean, that's pretty smart. You tell the African grey I have some liquid in my mouth, what should I do? He realizes that it's saliva, he tells you to get rid of it. Yeah, yeah.

For a parrot, that's pretty clever. Plus he's typing with those little claws. I'm doing this in parrot voice from now on. This one's for Portex. Alright. This looks like Portex, yeah. My name is Sean Eleven.

Never forget. Remember that day. Just a bro with a backwards cap crying behind an American flag. I got picked up for drunk and in charge of Vechiao. How long of a ban am I going

to get? Huh? What the hell is a Vechial? It is my second time for sitting in my car drunk. I got banned, B-A-N-D, for a yayer last time. What do I expect this time? But I have an escusi. Oh, good. Escusi me.

That's the name of the car. Do you want to know what rob had to say obviously yes it'll depend on what the laws are where you live how good your excusee is what you mean by ban and how good your attorney is if by ban you mean your driver's license was taken most jurisdictions consider a repeat offense as a sign you didn't learn anything the last time and will try to make their second try more educational for you. Smiley face. Brack. So Rob had to extrapolate a lot from that because I didn't understand fucking anything

that Sean 11 was saying there. If you're in the business of trying to answer every single question on e-help, you really do have to fill in a lot of the details yourself. I assume by fuck, fuck, fart, you meant three years in prison. Nutshell. Okay, hold on a second.

It's coming on here. What the hell? Of course. If your bros say they want to talk to your friend and you give the phone to them and they sing the strip song... That's a question? If your bros say they want to talk to your friend

and you give the phone to them and they sing the strip song from Chris Brown to her and you ask, did you hear what they say? And say no. Then you tell her and she shows her dad and her dad tells your dad and your dad asks you. And you tell him, then he asks the girl and she tells him the same thing. Oh my God. Then your dad gets angry.

Are you wrong to tell the friend? Should that person's phone get taken away? Then who was phone? What happened? What happened there? I feel like I was playing dodgeball with words and I just got hit every time. I don't even know what happened there. You know, guys, if you're going to complain about not having enough information

and then you get one as dense as this and you complain, I don't know what's going to make you happy. Chris Brown. Dad was in there. Rob, what do you think about this? Mark, you should never give another person's telephone number, address, email, etc. to someone without that person's permission.

Then it becomes their choice, not yours. Mark. He's really turning into a parrot. I love Rob. He's really turning into a parrot. I love Rob. He's the cutest. Excited to see the evolution of this character. Rob the helpful parrot. Okay, I guess I'll take this one.

Awesome. Is this a math problem? That's great. I hate story problems. Hey, what's your name, Boots? Hi, I'm Jahire25. Okay hate story problems. Hey, what's your name, Boots? Hi, I'm Jahire25. Okay. What's wrong?

I'm just trying to form my words. I want to make this make sense so that you can understand what I'm saying. Well, you know, take a breath and a pause because you don't want to sound stupid, so you want your words to come out intelligently and cleanly. Right. We took sex one week ago, and she expecting that she got her pre-odd four days ago,

but it didn't come preggy? Help me, I'm freaking out. What the hell? I don't think we need the answer to that one. No. Rob even just threw up his hands and said, fuck it. Just put up a link. Oh, Jimmy Franks, why don't you take the lead on this one?

All right. What is the age a boy should start masturbating? It's like mature baiting, but more nasty. Hi, I'm a 12-year-old boy, and I sometimes masturbate. Is it okay for someone my age to do that? Please help. Lemon, take who cares. My name is who cares Health wise it is okay

For almost any age To masturbate Not masturbate, but the thing you wanted to do But you should be careful Not to get hooked on it Who cares Masturbation worked for me Come on, man.

I need a fix. David responds to that, too. Thank you do much. I will. I'll do much. Oh, my God. Whoever wants that one. What?

Oh, my God. I'll do it. Yeah, yeah. You did cavewoman voice. Is it normal to lactate when you prag-net? Prag-net? Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do.

The response by Onikami, who is probably the second most prolific responder on here. I'm going to take that. Okay. What is tat? Do you mean breasts?

How can you lack breasts? Unless you mean lactate, then yes. Do you mean not have? Well, granted, some women are flat-chested, but what on earth does that have to do with being pregnant? I know the breasts swell with milk, but it's not a lot. Oh, by the way, it's pregnant, not pregnant. Wow.

Onikami is tilting at a fucking windmill. Just jumps into the middle of e-help and goes, I'm going to correct everyone's spelling. This is my quest. I will win this. Yeah. Whatever, it was funny to me. That seems like the kind of shit I would do.

All right, Lemon. Yeah. Okay. Oh my god. Oh dear. Stay with me here. Oh my god. And my avatar, too.

Yeah, your avatar is a Pokemon with a butt added to it. It's a buttlet. Is it a diglet? It's a buttlet, yeah. It's a diglet. It's a diglet with legs and an ass. I'm not sure what the voice is here. I think it's stand-up comedian, right?

Yeah. It's a set-up for a joke. All right, guys. Hey, how's it going? My name's Ass Day. The day of ass. Okay, so my avatar is a Pokemon with a butt. I'm not saying I have preoccupations or nothing.

Okay, look. So turds are the waste product of digestion, right? Stay with me here. Stay with me. Okay, okay. This is something that I've just developed, this scientific idea that turds are the waste product of digestion. Okay. So that being the case, if we just eat everything that isn't turd, okay?

Yeah? You like that? Okay. It doesn't matter if it's animal, vegetable, or mineral. Come on. It doesn't matter if it's animal, vegetable, or mineral. As long as it's not turd. For example, like food products minus turd products.

Why will we... Okay, so if we just eat things that isn't turd, right? Why will we not completely forego the need to drop doozies? Okay, apparently that's been my 15 minutes. It seems short, but how come you guys isn't laughing or being real impressed with my clever comedy? You know, for a guy who seems to be preoccupied by poop, why is he asking the question? He should be the expert.

Oh, see, you know, that's the kind of workshopping that I need in my routine. You know, someone to bounce ideas off of. You know, I sometimes, you know, I come up with so many crazy ideas I have to work out on my notebook all the time. You know, I'm stumped by this as well. Maybe an expert can get in here and help us out. Bert, I'm not sure I understand what you're asking. Your body can't absorb solids into your bloodstream.

It only absorbs liquids either by your drinking them or your digestive tract breaking down the solids and extracting the liquid in it. Any remaining solid component passes through your system and is eliminated. The process depends on how much solid and how much liquid. I think that doozies are here to stay. Smiley face. Rob, I can't believe that somebody asked the question, if we eat not turds, wouldn't there not be turds? And you go, hang on, let me reason with you now. So I like how also his logic is like, see, because I've been eating turds this whole time,

so I've been pooping, if I could somehow theoretically make myself stop, would I stop pooping? You know, I mean, yeah, you see all sorts of documentaries, you know, you should eat less turds, and you want to, but it's hard. Four out of five doctors recommend you eat less turds and exercise more. Your problem is you're clearly dropping too many doozies. Is that a scientific term, doozies? All right, Asté, you've got a rebuttal. Asked and answered, Astay.

Oh, is it me again? Oh, okay. If you find every molecule in a bowl of cereal that will end up in the underlined bowl, the bowl, and remove them and eat what's left, why would you still poop? Every molecule in a bowl of cereal? Every molecule bowl of cereal that will end up in the bowl and remove them and eat what's left

thereby being nothing. The cereal element. Well, yes, if you eat empty air, you probably won't shit a lot. What the hell are you asking? Pure seranium. Why would you still poop? Well, Rob, the helpful parrot, actually has many degrees in a variety of disciplines. Thanks, Rob.

As a parrot, yes. I'm going to say many unfinished degrees. Well, no, no, no. You just go to the website, you click a couple forms, and then you hit submit, and then they give you a degree. That's still pretty good for a parent. Yeah, very true. That's a good point. Let's find out what Rob has to say.

If you remove every bit of solids and digest only liquids, you wouldn't poop, but you would likely develop intestinal problems. I'm not 100% sure of that, however. Why don't you try dipping in the bowl for lunch and let me know how everything comes out? Smiley face. Which bowl is he talking about there?

I don't know. It's a cereal bowl. God, I hope so. Hey, I'm one plus one equals two. That's the first correct thing we've seen on this show. All right, I got a question Why won't my mother let me watch Jersey Shores? Alright, um

Rob? Wouldn't you get a better answer if you asked your mom? Brack? It's true Good one, Rob I agree with Rob and plus, it's true good one rob poor text i agree with rob and plus it's a gay show of the many arguments that you could have against jersey shore i think it's not at all gay i would say it's one of the most heterosexual shows there ever was

she don't let you watch it because Miss Independent, it's a gay show, and she's afraid that you will be like them. You know parents. They care about their childrens. You know parents. I held a rinse. What the hell? Nutshell.

I am Sonia, and I want to know hey! Who will come in my life and when? Give me some clue. I just want to canine about that person who will come and always be mine.

I just want to canine about that. Hang on, I think something's wrong with the translation here. Adjust some of these dials. I just want to canine about that. Hang on, I think something's wrong with the translation here. Adjust some of these dials. I just want to canine about that. I got some advice. I've got a good response for you.

I'm fashionista777. Try using a Ouija board. Vortex. No, don't touch a Ouija board, that's for sure. Just get your daylight horoscope or go to bca.com. I think it's something like that. It's really easy to use.

That explains a lot. Thanks. Okay. We have no hope of knowing whether or not that URL is correct. bca.com explains a lot about, oops, Google Chrome could not find BPA.com. Yeah, I love that. I don't know if this URL is right. If only I were in a browser right now and could check that.

All right, John? Should animals be given life support? Life support. Life support like when it's in a hospital with lots of tubes, and are animals better leaders than us? Wait a minute, that's two totally different questions. Better leaders at what? Life support?

We now return to you to President Oryx, already in progress. Well, you know, Rob being a helpful parrot is uniquely qualified to answer this question. Yeah, like, Rob's got a pony in this race. Mark, the answers to these questions are opinion. My opinion is the decision on life support depends on the chances of recovery. If there is

no chance for recovery, life support is futile. Leaders has a number of different meanings. Some animals have superior senses that can be used to avoid danger, but I wouldn't vote for a Rottweiler for a president. No, I would kill parrots.

Way to lay it out there, Rob. That's the anti-Rottweiler media. I don't like to talk about politics or religion. I need 250 words! Why stilling bad? I need 250 words! Why stilling bad? What? Well, if you're not careful with stills,

they can explode. But it works good on mash! Alright, I'm Onikami. I've got a response for you. I can understand asking for help with some ideas, but please don't expect us to do your homework for you.

Homeward, community service, whatever. This question was written during Prohibition. Yeah, you should have written it in the old grumpy, cracky voice. I need 250 words while stealing bad. Wrote this coming up for air from his bathtub gin. So he's actually taking a bath in the bathtub. Exactly. That's what bathtub gin is for, right?

Gives it that extra flavor. Jimmy Franks. Oh, sorry. This is e-help. Is this like the Kmart brand e-how? This is the Kmart brand Yahoo Answers. Right, special. It's like Dr. Rocket.

They couldn't afford Dr. Pepper, so they got the Captain instead. So, 234567890 asks, Why do animals eat plants and not food like human beings?

What? Wait, one more time. What's that question? I'll repeat the question. Okay, good. Why do animals eat plants and not food like human beings? Why do they not eat... A plant is not a food. Yeah.

So why don't animals open up restaurants? Why don't they make... No, no, okay. If you parse it differently, then it's why do animals eat plants and not food, parentheses, like human beings? Like, human beings are food. Why don't animals eat food?

It's a cookbook! A cookbook! Flying purple people later. I like... Actually, I like the idea of this person being like, plants aren't food, ew. Twinkies. No, that covers all the food groups. Why is feeding Mountain Dew to my dog wrong? Yeah, I don't think the answers are really that much worth it.

Question's so good, though. I'm like, well, it's pretty good. It defies an answer! I know, because it's your only answer! It's what the fuck does your question mean? Yeah, the incorrectness of the assumptions of the question go about five layers deep. Okay, nutshell, something bad has happened to you Oh no, I'm sorry

Wait, it's not Nutshell though It's Cuz Crew 3 Alright, I'm Cuz Crew 3 And I would like to know I was thrown from a horse Nearly two weeks ago And have a very large and hard Bump at area of bruising

I was thrown from a horse On the 9th of January and have a very large and hard bump at area of bruising. I was thrown from a horse on the 9th of January, sight of bruising on buttocks and hips slash lower back. Very large, about 5 inches across, very hard and painful lump. Advise! Advise me, lump. It's me, Onikami, back again. I've got some advice for you.

Okay. Just ice it, dude. It doesn't sound like anything's wrong. If you're having pain or discomfort when trying to move in certain positions, you may want to have a doctor check it out, but it sounds pretty normal. You know, the giant, hard, painful

lump that you have two weeks after falling off your horse? Pretty normal. That couldn't be a dangerous blood clot that could migrate to some other part of your body. No. The internet says it's okay. But considering the person

specifically pointed out that they were thrown from a horse, I would like to think that they were like, man, that Christopher Reeve guy, he got paralyzed after he got thrown from a horse. Maybe this bruise is paralysis and it's coming to get me. Paralysis bruise! Alright, guys. I need

to take a large sum of money out of the country for a wedding. Yeah. A wedding. That's the ticket? Yeah. How could I do this? Nothing but wedding. What's your name? My name is Let's Have Some Fun

You know, at the wedding Oh, I thought that was Let's Have Fun I thought that was Let's Shave Some Fun Let's Shave Some Fun I need to take a large sum S-O-M-E of money out of the country for a wedding. Yeah, a wedding, like I said.

Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. I know that they allow only $10,000 per person on the airplane. Holy shit! You weren't kidding about large sum. Is that all for, like, the hotel bar? No, it's for the cake. The cake is as big as the fucking Eiffel Tower.

How can I take a larger amount than this? Do I have to fill out any forms? If so, do I get taxed on this money? I have this money saved up in my bank account, and this money has already been taxed. What should I expect when I declare this large saved up in my bank account, and this money has already been taxed.

What should I expect when I declare this large amount of money? I would really appreciate the help, you know, before the cops arrive. Okay. All right, we're going to skip down to Katie's answer. Hide it in your pockets. But just in case they check there, you might want to hide it in your pants. If you get caught, tell them you are holding it for a friend. Oh, use the teenager caught with cigarettes excuse.

That always works. My friend is getting married, you know? Getting married. I don't know, a guy in the airport just gave this to me and said I need to hold on to it. That guy is getting married in my Swiss bank account, you know, just saying. Well, yes, I regularly hold on to packages from people I've just met at the airport. That's good, because as a member of airport security, I won't ask you the question, did somebody give you a package? Oh, this one's so good.

Hey, guys, I'm Zoo123. So good. Okay. Yeah, hi. Hi. Hi. I'm Zoo123. So good. Okay. Yeah, hi. Hi. Hi. All right. All right.

How do you make your own social networking site? It's amazing they spelled networking correctly. I know. All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I am entouched about IT, and I want to test my skills by making my own Skokal networking sty. How do you do it? What do you think entouched means? I'm interested. Yeah, I don't know. It's quite a deviation. Well, don't you guys know that my career advisor asked me that when I said I wanted to go into IT. And they're like, well, are you entouched about it?

Or not? Well, what you want to do is you start by making your own social networking site. And then, you know, go from there. Or you could just ask everyone's favorite helpful parrot, Rob. Yay, Rob! Rob, you need think you're new at it, don't expect quick and easy results. So, Rob, you actually think you're helping here to go like, you should probably learn a language, you know, and program and shit.

Hey, if a parent can learn it, Zoo123 can learn it. Yeah, now, Lemon, you're judging too quick. That was actually really good advice. Maybe Zoo123 took that to heart. Let's see what Zoo123 says. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have one more question.

Could you run something like a social networking site for a laptop? Lenovo Edge 11 Modal Windows 7? A social network site for a laptop? So how many people are using this laptop?

I think he meant on a laptop. The laptop is the social network itself. It's a locally run website that only runs on this Lenovo Edge. A social network of one. Do we want to know what Rob has to say? Yeah, totally. Alright. Again, what you can do with a school laptop depends how the internet system at your school is set up.

You could probably develop a social site on a laptop if you have the tools to do it, but you would have a huge headache trying to run a social networking site that way. Why or who don't you tell the people in the office you want to learn about computer networking and volunteer to be the school's IT technician's assistant?

Yeah, that'll work out great. Good idea. I'll try. Yay! I'm sure you'll succeed. Another home run for Rob. I predict good things for you, Zoo123. What the hell is this question? Sorry, Lemon. Run for Rob. I predict good things for you, Zoo123.

What the hell is this question? Holy shit. Let's do that one first. Okay. The one that I... I am Skipit, and I would like to know what does it mean when you close your eyes and your body parts seem abnormally

larger slash smaller? You're dreaming. That's what it means. You're having a dream. When I close my eyes to go to sleep at night I see myself but my hands are too big for my body or my head is really small and my body is too big.

If I leave my eyes closed then the image changes to different parts, different slices. If I open my eyes, it all seems normal again. I have to open and close my eyes several times before I can finally fall asleep. Is it serious? Somebody honk

the Varzanda alarm. Hi, I'm D-Babe Damn. D-Babe Damn. Oh, it's D-Babe Damn. D-Babe Damn. Oh, it's D-Babe Damn. D-Babe Damn. Maybe it's because you're afraid of gaining pounds, and your mind is playing with you,

and I don't think it's serious, but if you're really uncomfortable with this, you should see a doctor. But before that, you could try to dream about something different before sleeping. Try to have a different dream, stupid. Before you sleep, try to have a different dream.

So that person's just like, well, maybe you're afraid of gaining weight. But they said, like, in my head. Like, I'm afraid that my head is going to be 350 pounds. Lemon, you are a West of Rocks. A West of Rocks? Yeah. All right. What time is it in America?

Wow. That's right. Good accent on ya. Crikey. Pip, pip. What, what? Ooh, another accent as good as mine, Derry. That's pretty nice to be around.

Oh! My long-nosed cousin. Oh, hey. Let's go play soccer, which we call football! Well, we sure do love the queen in our maple around here, Derry. Glad to see you. Thanks for coming by. What the hell is happening in this podcast? I'm in England, and I want to know what time it is in America.

How many hours is the UK behind the USA? The Earth revolves around towards the east, So the UK is ahead of the US The US has four different time zones That are between five and eight hours later than the UK Eastern UK five Central UK six Mountain UK seven Pacific UK eight

Some areas use daylight time Some areas use daylight savings time Which moves the clock forward one hour And would deduct an hour from the difference Between the US and Greenwich UK time There's a follow-up question to that one. Oh, okay, good. So, Westa has another important question to ask.

Okay. So, please ask this totally different question. Question number two! What time is it in America? I can't do it! If you're from America, what time is it in your country? If you're from America, what time is it in your country? If you're from New York, what time is it?

Please try not to be a smartass and put hard words in that I don't understand. I'm just curious. I love America. What accent was that? It's West London, can't you tell? Mark, I answered this for you two weeks ago. Nobody's trying to be a smartass. It's just that accurate answers often

take more than one sentence. For US time, look at the clock where you are in the UK and subtract the time difference. At noon in England, it's 8am in New York. In the summer, called daylight savings time, it's 7am in the winter. See this helpful diagram for more information. Does he imagine someone being like, 5 p.m.? Just like, did you know that in America it's 5 p.m. all the time?

Eh, sorry, I didn't understand it properly. Oh, my accent's going all over the place. Stick with it, Derry. You'll get through it. It's racist towards a race that doesn't exist. You can do it! He's gonna slip into Betazoid here.

Doing some Deanna Troy stuff. I didn't understand it properly the last time you answered it. But yeah, I get it now. Thanks! Really? Because he just said the exact same thing. Yeah, but the second time it made more sense.

Oh, Daylight Savings Time. Gotcha. All right, so... Okay, now we've got to make guesses. How many questions do you think Rob has answered? Over a thousand. Do you mean e-help or just in general in his whole life? I mean e-help specifically.

I'm going to say 10,000. I'm going to say all of them. That's actually pretty true as well. If you click around e-how, it's really hard to find one that Rob did not answer. Answer all the questions! I'm going to do the prices right and say one. Well, Jimmy Franks is correct.

He has answered 4,761 questions. Wow. Awesome. But it's actually 4,760 because he answered that one twice. Nice. All right. I have, I'm going to call this Rob's finest moment. that one twice. Nice. Alright, I have I'm going to call this Rob's finest moment.

Oh, good. Wow. Alright. Support text, you have a question for e-help that Rob is going to answer. Sorry, Tahira, you have a question. I have Tahira. Help me, pulls me, having life me in it. Try to understand?

Bracket, bracket, bracket. Question mark! It's not a bracket. The, how do you get it off? Greater than, greater than, greater than? Yeah, greater than, greater than, greater than. I just call them all brackets. You're making me look dumb on the e-help episode.

It may work better if you ask this question in your native language and let us translate. Oh, shit! You got insulted by a talking parrot? I didn't even know that was an insult. That was actually his advice. Yeah, I think that was actually his advice. Type it in your own language, and we'll

put it to Google Translate, and it'll be better. Rob the Advice Parrot has no sense of humor. I don't know. I think if Rob was the slightest bit cynical, it would immediately collapse in on itself. Shimmy Franks? Oh, Lord. Shimmy Franks is going to dance?

Oh, it's Katie again. That's good. Good. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Now, this is a question I've been wondering for a while I've never gotten a definite answer This is a question for the ages

Finally we can solve this bullshit Slavery in America Was this a Controversial issue? Oh, just a little bit Was there any disagreement about slavery At one point? I just, I don't know Guys, was slavery point? I just, I don't know.

Guys, was slavery bad? I think most of the people who voted were pretty much in agreement. The odds of Katie being black are negative 380. That's interesting. Wow. Hey guys, I'm free free. Free free. I'm free free.

Okay. Slavery? Slavery? I think you do not understand your question. Slavery equals colonialism mentality. In America, it has

never existed. Oh, okay. Let's say that is the word you like today. Yesterday was racism. Tomorrow, it will

be Obama-ista. Oh, my god. Alright, now I have a response to myself. Yeah. Yeah, some stuff in French. And then, Napoleon has prohibited it, and all the nations have said no

the first day of the discovery of America. So it is not slavery. But work without to be paid that you meant, I suppose so. Hey, colonialists, can I get on

your boat? Well, okay. But I just want you to know that you have to do this of your own free will, because if it's slavery, Napoleon would be mad. No dice. And back to Katie with the last response. That was a real question. I had to write a research

paper about it and was wondering if it was controversial or not. I had to write a research paper. Did the teachers not cover that? That it was controversial at all? Homeschool. Oh god, probably. She's doing all her research on e-help. I would assume that

if you actually research slavery on Conservapedia, it would say, so-called slavery. Oh yeah, totally. Did you know that there was slavery in Africa too? Therefore, it's okay. Slavery was started by Che Guevara

in Cuba. Alright, um, playing the role of Snuffleboo will be Nutshell Gulag. Oh god. Snuffleboo. I'm having sex at the age of 17, and well, I'm Prego from My Lady Friend. So do condoms work?

I'm a girl, and me and my lady are both Prego from Sex Together. Together like the movie? No, Prego like the spaghetti sauce. Yeah, but together in the movie. I've got a response to that. Yep. I'm Onikami again. All right.

Yeah. It is impossible for two girls to become pregnant from each other. What? For more information, see here. Bullshit. And now we're going to go there. All right. Sounds good.

All right. All right, Lemon. Oh, my God. I have to be pregnant. Nice. My name is Scary Girl. Can two girls hump each other and get pregnant? Yes, if a guy turned into a girl. You would like that

hey guys it's Onikami here I'm going to drop my mic on this one yeah I suppose it may be possible if one of them had some sperm in their vaginal area and they were scissoring that's a huge stretch.

That is a huge stretch, but you shouldn't drop that mic because 234567890 in the form of Jimmy Franks is going to pick up that mic and drop real science. No, because a girl gets married with a boy, not a girl, and they both can't hump.

Oh. You see? Marriage is what's required for pregnancy. Jesus! Lemon? Chad at the very bottom. Chad.

Can I get my wife Jessica pregnant? I want to be the father of my child. Are you also a girl? So I assume that Jessica's already pregnant, and he's trying to get her pregnant with his child. Could we, like, just have multiple kids in there and one eats the other one like a shark?

Nutshell, this one's you, your anonymous user. God damn it. You decided to remain anonymous for this. Anonymous user of the product in question. How to clean a dildo.

I recently bought a normal no bells slash whistles dildo. I washed it with water and hand soap. But when I dried it, little fluff pieces just stuck to it. I don't want to leave it wet and get mold or something. What do I do? Mold! Grandma used to have a bells and whistles dildo,

but it made way too much noise. Every time it went in, there was a slide whistle. Ching, ching, ching, goes the comment, ring, ring, ring, goes the... Like a morning zoo radio

stationed in your vagina. Great. Honk, honk. Vroom! And when I take it anally, doo, bow, bow, oh, yeah. Chicka, honk. Woo! And when I take it anally, doo-pow-pow. Oh, yeah. Chicka-chicka.

I'm sorry. This one's for me. I am BBLoveZero. Is it bad to want to play with a girl? Well, I like girl body parts, but I love a man's dick. It makes me a little tingly down there to see a girl naked, but I don't think I'm bi or anything. I'm confused. And I need help!

Period. Exclamation point. I like both genders. I'm not bi, though, I don't think. Fucking. How would I know? There's only one litmus test and you passed it!

What the shit? Wait, wait, wait. Actually, no, poor text Z has much better advice than you do. My name is Z? Yeah. This could just be a fetish that you have. Okay. Yeah. just be a fetish that you have. Okay.

Yeah. I'm a fetish for genders. Yeah. It's not bad, and nor does it mean that you're bi. Of course not. You're welcome. You're not bi, honey. I'm not gay.

I'm just other men's cock fetishist. Jimmy Franks. I think this is a tale of adultness. Yeah, this is just a dude. I'm falling in love with a stripper. What should I do? I was friends with this couple, my coke dealer and his incredibly hot stripper girlfriend. He got busted and is in jail. Needless to say, they broke up.

I've always liked this stripper chick because she is funny and super fucking hot. So recently I went over to her house and we had hot sex. Like, really hot sex. It was a dream come true. Yeah, okay. But I've known her for almost two years. So, of course, we get sentimental when I think we both said we loved each other and we had some vodka.

So, yeah, anyway. But anyways, the next day I wanted to see her right after work. The whole all i could think about was her but when i call her she won't pick up the phone she texted me sorry i'm busy today maybe tomorrow i don't know what is up with her but i am falling in mad love for this chick even though i know i shouldn't because not only is she kind of a bimbo but i have a gf that is in mad love with me man this sounds so fucked up but it's true now i'm all emo because of the stripper but i I have to act in love with my GF, which I am, but I'm like in mad lust for this stripper, and to top it all

off, in one month I start law school, so really I shouldn't even be so involved with women, but damn, sex is so good, okay? So anyone tell me should I try to start a relationship with a stripper or try to be just friends and maybe get some poon as a friendly benefit? Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark. Oh.

I don't know what's going on. I was like, Rob has a fair and reasonable answer to this one. Frank, what I'm reading is the story of a coke-using womanizer looking for someone to provide a rationalization for his lack of morals and self-control. All you will get from the stripper is a dose of the same medicine your poor girlfriend is getting. Like Clementine.

Law school, you need to go back to middle school. You aren't ready for prime time yet. Wow. So this is what it takes for Rob to get judgmental. Can you read Just a Dude's response? Well, Night Angel, yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, that stripper chick is hot, but I realize I don't love her.

I just got blinded by her boobs and blonde hair, so I didn't call her today. But if she wants to hook up again, it's on. And Rob, FYI, I don't do coke anymore because, well, the guy is in jail. But I know your point. I'm Catholic, and, well, I don't like cinnamon, but I can't help my nature sometimes, unfortunately. Well, he actually took it pretty well. He was like, don't judge me. He was like, ah, you got a point.

Anyway, stripper or no. I'm not doing coke because I can't find my coke dealer right now. Okay. Boots. Yeah. Yeah.

Hi, I'm Stacy Marie. Why do guys like porn so much? Hmm. I give my boyfriend plenty of me. Those are the plants that are on you? Yeah. She's swamp thing.

I took one of those sculpting trees and I made an image of myself. Sure. But I make him work for it every time. Sometimes he's so aroused, we'll go at it three times a day and it's still hotter than ever. But even on those days, he goes home at night

and looks up porn. Why? Crystal Shear says, he gets lonely all guys do, when guys are constantly sexually active. They live off it. Plus, some guys just want to masturbate sometimes. Thanks, Crystal. Rob cracks a little joke.

I don't think that scenario applies to all guys. Are you sure someone hasn't emptied the ibuprofen bottle and revealed it with Viagra? Smiley face. Hey guys, I'm Casey. I'm Casey 13. Hey,

Hey, hi. Hey, not all guys watch porn all the time, but the reason some do is because they want to get horny. Oh, that's why those people are having sex on camera. I think so.

Shouty bad 123 writes Well I witch porn but not like that though What? I witch porn Do you witch it differently or do you witch different porn? Boil and boil come in trouble Make a little voodoo doll Stick needles in it.

Portax, you are Fairy 12. Fairy 12, alright. In this new one. Oh, in the new one. Fairy 12. Yeah. My name is Fairy 12, and I was wondering, what's a clitoris?

Anyone know? Go on! was wondering what's a clitoris anyone know okay go on yeah i have been trying to figure this out for years and where it is located my mother tried to tell me and i was still confused even my health teacher couldn't explain it i don't want to know for like sexual purposes or anything. I'm only 17. But it's part of my body and I want to know where and what the heck it is. Is it that little thing you pee out of? If anyone could answer this, it would make my quest complete. Thanks. Clitoris Quest, the new game by Roberto Williams.

Yeah, the clitoris has to be located When you get the magic jewel And you put it in Tiger's head And it gives you a key Oh, Boots, Boots, Boots You are a soul in pain I am soul in pain Hey, I'm soul in pain I'm sorry to hear that

It's okay, it's just my name I'm perfectly, I'm really happy actually Oh, okay, good It's just a weird name I'm perfectly, I'm really happy, actually. Oh, okay, good. Good to know. It's just a weird name that you have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, okay.

It's the part that girls rub to masturbate, and it makes them feel good about themselves. I think. I'm not a girl, just guessing. I tried it. I tried rubbing the magic lamp. It didn't work. I'm not happy. All right. Jimmy Franks, you have two questions.

But let's start out with question number one. Where's my unemployment check? I'm five weeks behind on receiving my unemployment benefits. Literally, this whole alternate universe where you just type something in and Rob has to answer it is looking a lot more probable now. Nobody here would know where your check is, but your unemployment office should know why you haven't received it. Call them!

What is the phone number for my unemployment office? You know, when Rob's parents were killed by someone who didn't know the answer to a question and he decided to take up this superhero job. He didn't really plan on this. And then you have a follow-up question.

Gee, I wonder what it could be. Will I find a job soon? Boots, you're only coming. That depends on many things. What skill set do you have? Do you have any disabilities? What level of education do you have? How actively are you seeking a job?

What's your job history like? Do you do any drugs? These all play factors in your chances of getting a job. And then, nutshell? I have a lot of experience, but it is not local. I have no disability. Sorry, I want to know what your name is. Oh, sorry.

It's Asatrania... I can't pronounce that. Yeah, I know. I have no idea what my name is. I have a lot of experience, but it is not local. I have no disability. I have high education. I am active job seeker with excellent job history.

I have never... I never test drugs orker with excellent job history. I never test drugs or alcohol. Before ingestion. I love how he's just like, okay, I need more information before I can answer the question. What's your job history? And the person's just like, excellent?

That's not the answer. I think it's a different person, too. Yeah, yeah. It's a different person that's answering the question. Yo, I'm going to let you finish, but... I see what happened here. There wasn't a question mark at the beginning part in Frank's question. There's no

question mark at the end of it. So, Astriagnagiania came on here and said, well, that can't be the question. This must be the question here. What skill sets do you have? Do you have any disabilities? What level of education do you have? How actively are you seeking a job?

So on. So that question was properly answered right there. Is this a personal site? I don't even know. I just want to finish up on something. Bootsy, you'll be reprising the role of Solon Payne.

And then Portax, you have a question for him. Why do people put on lipstick? Like makeup you put on your face? I don't know if you've heard of it. It's kind of underground. We invented it last summer. Thank you for defining your terms. Not like the lipstick you put on your eyebrows.

I'm talking about the one you put on the lip part. The stick that goes on your lips. Hey guys, I can take care of this one. All right, good. Good. God, it went like five minutes.

Yeah. To take care of their eprenance, so I think. So say we all. Oh! Gotcha! Solon Payne knows a lot about women. And there we go. Just shy of an hour of stupid questions with unhelpful answers. Boots, what did you learn this week?

Brock Boots learned that teenagers are very confused about sex and human anatomy, Brock. You know, Rob, I think Boots actually probably already knew that. I'm pretty convinced that teenagers are confused about everything in reality. Yeah, yeah. There's, you know, going through

the episodes of the F+, we've definitely taken it through a lot of shit that teenagers don't understand. It's like the opposite of that Will Smith song. Yeah, yeah. You know, we're growing more and more aware that our humanity has no future. And you know, I mean,

sometimes there's episodes like this, you know, like the e-help, where I mean, one could use the words shooting fish in a barrel to just go through and find dumb questions about sex and laugh at them.

You know, but it's Rob that really made that special. I mean, a guy that would commit all of his time to answering these questions for reasons that are completely beyond me. I don't understand what his motivation is. Yeah, nothing stops him.

Nothing is too dumb. He has yet to throw up his hands and say, you know what, I quit. Gun and mouth, that's it, over. But I would have done that years ago if I were to take up the bold task that he's... He has an enduring and everlasting

faith, and that's nice. I feel like someone with that quality might be better served in places outside of eHealth. I don't know what sort of community would accept Rob and his endless facts providing. But your never-ending love

is important to us, and we would like you to express it on thefpl.us. You can leave comments on this episode as well as other episodes, and if you're one of those people that's just subscribed to the podcast, which I know is a lot of people, and you just subscribe to the podcast,

and then you get them, that's cool, but I think there might be something that you're missing, which is our other podcast called Irregular. We just did our second episode, which is about furries. It's a sort of separate thing that you subscribe to. And it's fun.

It's a little interview show. We've been having a good time with it. Yeah, we get serious and then we take it back a notch and have fun. Yeah, it's really nice. So until next week, keep it

helpful, I guess. Yeah, just ask whatever you want. We'll be there on thefpl.us to answer your questions. What was that website again? Brock? Thefpl.us Brock? Thanks Rob. Good night! Good night. Good night.

Who's Rob E. Help? Damn, this guy is so freaking awesome. He's so smart, clever, intelligent, genius. He's got over 9,500 votes. I want to know something about him, like his age and his last name, and what he do in life. Does anyone know and thanks? Thank you for saying those nice things. I am a retired private investigator who has worked for about every kind of case you can

imagine. To do that occupation successfully requires finding and digesting information fast. On sites like eHelp. I now run a computerized stock trading system that essentially only requires that I be here in case something goes wrong. After spending a few years watching TV all day. So he used to spend all day watching TV until he found something less intellectually stimulating to do instead.

I looked for something more interesting to do, so I started answering questions on eHelp. I suspect I have learned more from the questions than any of you have from my answers. I've learned terrible things. So, here's my question. If he's so desperate for a hobby

that involves him finding information on things, why doesn't he just continue to be a private investigator? Oh, he's back. Probably he's back. He's seen things. Terrible things.