The F Plus - 87: So Clearly You All Hate Us

Episode Date: November 29, 2012

A little while ago, we opened it up to you, The F Plus listeners, to provide us with some of the most intensely absurd material we could find. Then we had troubles releasing episodes regularly, but the two are unrelated. The point is, we sounded the alarm, and several people inundated us with crazy. To celebrate that fact, we have here a selection of three of the most irritating and/or baffling submissions of the lot, wrapped up with a little bow. You know, for fun. This week, we introduce Jenny J Jay Number J.

No, no, no, it's a Forgin language. So it's just a language that is all Anvil. Well, I thought it's a Forgin language class wherein they just lie to you constantly. You're Forgery. I wanna... So, if you're... Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things, riddled with enthusiasm.

My name's Lemon. And I'm John. And what we've got for you is a nice little, it's a potpourri. You know, we've got actually, since we opened up the site to your submissions, we've gotten a lot of really great, great stuff for you. And I get to be the person that sits down each morning and checks my email and finds fresh, wonderful new stories about how the polio vaccine will cause your children to have cancer. And that's the life I've chosen for myself, that I'm fine with,

and that's actually going to be delightful new content in the future. But at the moment, I want to deal with some small little nuggets that we've had that people have submitted specifically given to Portex. We're going to start out with an otherkin otaku who is

repellent as a human being. Well, you'd think from the otherkin and otaku they'd be a really upstanding and fun human being. Nice to be around. You would. We're going to move right from that into a romance novel about an EMT. So that'll be normal.

Like, there's no way that'll get gross or weird. Yeah, surely he doesn't romance and EMT at the same time. No, no, no, no, no. And then we'll finish it up with Jenfer's Show, a webcomic that's existed since 1998 about a man that wants to be a woman with gigantic tits.

And by gigantic tits, I don't mean like... I mean, when I say gigantic, I fucking mean it. Ah, you know... Okay, I can't think of anything snarky. This is just weird. But you know what ties everything together with all these, even though these are from such different areas? You know what ties them together?

What's that? Bluff. Aw. Readers, assemble! In the room tonight, we have John. For the last five years, I have been looking to see if Miss J has the biggest boobs in webcomics. Well, so far, there have been one that came close to Miss J still the biggest boobs so far. Ace your akawaddle.

Help, my lunch is loose. And taking over the camp. Ground. Boots, rain gear. Okay, now we are readily to do our job. Yes, Fahan. My inner Tanuki thinks you're a jerk. Vortex. I really donuki thinks you're a jerk. Vortex.

I really don't know what's going on. And Lemon. That sounds like a grand idol, my queen. I am caiming, too. Hot. Yay. Hey, so Portex. Yeah?

Okay, so Inari gave us a submission here that's Japanophile otherkin. That seems like something you would know more than me. So could you explain a little bit about these daydreams of Japan? Yes, this is a person named Naryu, who is quasi-notorious Japanophile Otherkin otaku artist with quotation, quotation marks around it. So he reached into the internet bag and just pulled out five tiles. Yeah, if the

internet turned into a person, it would be her. Oh god, what a horrible thought. So on top of that, I also would have to point out, it's not a troll, this is legit, this is an actual person. And also, Acier prides himself

on being able to read horrible writing in one go without getting tripped up. That is true. And I firmly believe that this is going to be his Waterloo. Oh! Alright! That's exciting. Alright, Acier.

If you will give us your Daydreams of Japan. Oh yeah! This is his cage match. Daydreams of Japan. A peek into the mind of every otaku. Really?

No, I have never been. Yes, I want to go. Colon, close parenthesis. Someone asked me once, how can you be nostalgic for a place you have never been to in this life? Quite simple, because I know I was there. Smiles.

I was lucky to travel. I need to put this in caps, but oh, I want it to be italic too. Slash no slash. It's very important I stress this word. Yeah. It's not actually in italics. I guess that's asterisk smiles asterisk But it seemed a little ponderous

I was watching the Travel Channel a little while ago And they had a special on it The nightlife, the restaurants The bars, the culture It's all like some Kidna goddamn feel good drug Colon D Every little thing I just want to learn and know,

just a desire and a passion inside. Something I want to see and take in with every single one of my waking senses. The food, the atmosphere, the language x.xy, that I can't seem to learn greater than period less than two semicolons and a closed parenthesis but ah it's like all the good things that people say are in nigh

no they don't exist I swear to you that they're all folilor and some emoticon I don't recognize greater than colon p and they're taken around the world and twice with a flare and made better. Rave social lives!

Just. Want! To be a part of it. I have a big beaming smile on my face for no reason! Colon D! Now or... She's thinking about Japan,

so it makes her colon D. But I know I couldn't stay in a city. The city is nice and all, but well, give me the countryside, the nice quiet villages, the Shinto shrines. Purs. Colon 3.

The farmhouses. Small little quaint places kind warm people just mar I want to be a part of it all I guess I've never heard of people having I always assumed that when people were Japanophiles they had a hard on for like Tokyo

I didn't think that people like were being fetishistic about rural Japan well she's completely convinced that she is a kitsune fox spirit that lived in Japan a long time ago, so by visiting, she's going back to her home land.

And I guess the countryside of Japan is just littered with dojos and ronin wandering monks. Someday, double caray, someday I know the feelings and thoughts it sets swirling inside me are

indescribable, like the spark of a flame or the illumination of a light. I think C-Lab 2020. Oh my god! That's the original C-Lab series. Yeah, the original C-Lab series yeah she meant C-Lab 2021

she didn't even get that right it's like a cow a la crapped a rainbow in my brain XD I get at a loss

for words when asked to describe this all in full sometimes double caray it's just it means so much

to me if only I could burn away the fears of this physical body and go with my heart. Yay. Still working on that last part. Also the fear of taking a language course in fear of having a bad

teacher and failing. Oh, that's why you fail. You have a bad teacher. Because, yeah, that's the teacher's fucking fault. Of course. Long story about my expiriences with teachers. Had many bad ones going throughout school, all but one. Flunked out, did you?

And that's what's led up to the scarring and fear of being inside a classroom environment again. Especialy a foreign language questions. Maybe you should work on English first.

So if you're like a reanimated fox spirit, right? Which is what she thinks she is, right? Yes. Why doesn't she know the native language of her homeland? Because that's a big frustration for her because she woke up as a white girl

one day, and, you know... I know like... That's the sentence. I know hate. All Japanese people are sweethearts. Just... So that... So that old lady who, like, cut off the limbs of

friends and family to collect the insurance, she's a sweetheart. She's so kawaii. Just rar.evil. Fear is setting me back. Just delete that file. It should be evil.rar. I would delete any file with a.evil extension.

Yeah, exactly. If it ends with.evil, you know it's not good. I need to learn how to make the voice shut the hell up. Fear leads to anxieties. Anxieties leads to a whole other mess of ick I don't need. Mental and emotional. Is it always going to be that? Just a dream for me?

Only time and co-rage will tell. That's like mutual rage. Co-rage. Oh, if I could go to Japan, everything would be perfect. Oh, but then I'd have to do things. Shit. One thing Japan loves is white people. Yeah. Alright, so

it's fine. Let's tag in on the what's the name again? Naryu. Yeah, all right. Rejected. Naryu. Let me tell you a tale.

I'm going to give you examples. Okay. I'm Naryu, and I was rejected. Artspots.com equals bad, a.k.a. The New Yerf. Sick burn, probably. Yeah. Is that what N.Y. meant?

The New Yerf. The fucking rejected me. Here we go again. Part duex. The act of fucking rejected me. Probably true. It just won't go in! A part of me wants to point fucking fingers

and ask why the fuck I wasn't accepted when their possessive are certain pieces on there in certain galleries by certain artists that I'm ho barely qualify for their set standard if my standard docent. They pulled the old, oh, you were so close card. Don't fucking spit on my cupcake

and tell me it's frosting. It's possessive frosting. Yeah, it's possessive frosting. I would like to know whom the receivers are for said site as well as they seem to be cloaked in relative mystery, and it has me wondering if it's just someone-esque sitting in a room snickering their elitist asses off at others' expenses. Rejected! I'm familiar with that idea. I can't relate to that at all, so I don't know what she's talking about.

I'd like to know what makes them so high and mightily, as well as qualified. And do they even have such credentials to say what is good and what isn't? While I don't mind crit-we-que, I'm. While I don't mind crit-weque,

I'm quite friendly, not impressed with the way my review was met. To me, it sounded like while, yes, they were polite to a degree, a part of them seemed to me, at least, like I was being spoken down to like a child, telling me such at least, like I was being spoken down to like a child telling me things as, such things as, Go buy certain art books and go get cubes and cones from the craft store and stoofy lightning.

I'm not a child, don't tell me to learn how to fucking draw. Yeah. Um, high? That's so fucking junior high. high? That's so fucking junior high. I didn't sit through three years of art school and two semesters of Dean's List. Is that a class now?

I didn't sit through the Dean's List. He just kept reading off all of his groceries to me. I know I'm not in there. I don't understand why I have to listen to this crap. It took fucking eight months. I didn't sit through three years of art school and two semesters of Dean's List to hear crap like that form a completely unknown source. At least on other websites I can see whom the Revere slash mod slash admin are.

All I know is it's possessive someone named Gaugin Cheetah, whom the fuck this is, I don't know, as I have never heard the name, and their possessive is jack shit on Google. I realize Yes. So she, like, learned this one name and tried to, like, hunt them down and, I guess, probably to torment them.

Yeah, because he said that she needs to learn how to draw, which, I mean, she clearly doesn't need to learn how to draw. She's not in high school anymore. See, guys? Right there. Oh my god, her hand is a foot. Don't tell her her hand is a foot. She's not in high school anymore. Her foot hands is clearly too high.

I'm just wondering, I don't know what character this is. Does this girl, in the story or whatever, does she know that her legs are eating her genitals? Absorbing them? That's the story. Yeah, that's the story. It's true.

Alright, follow it up. I realize, yes, I do have things to work on, but the way it was worded and the general tone of it sounded like it was calming down from someone's nose high in the air at me. And the follow-up? Hey guys, as in the dried straw I made it

smiles a little I made it naryu.artspots.com those damn assholes oh thank you they finally came to their senses I think that's great and now the site's dead because of her

you killed it lady so we have three pieces from Naryu I think the first... That's great. And now the site's dead because of her. Yeah, exactly. You killed it, lady. She killed it. So we have three pieces from Naryu. We've done two, and she becomes a little angrier and a little stupider in the third post, amazingly enough. Boots, you want to try this one? Yes. She's a tender angel.

Treat her as such, Boots. Right. Non-PC filter away. Uh-oh, watch out. She's going to drop some reality on us. Oh, good. Are you ready for this? Welcome to the non-PC filter.

Or, until I come up with a better name for such. Okay. My tongue's sticking out. Before I begin my long series of tangents and rants, bitchings, I want to first make some points clear. Oh, Jesus. I don't hate anyone. Hate is a strong word.

I honestly don't feel I'm capable of hate, strong dislike, or loathe. Then why are you ranting? That's the whole idea. But nothing beyond that. I don't have a problem when people are proud of their heritages or religious beliefs when it's controlled. Oh, dear. Oh, this is... Controlled.

Uh-oh. By white people? I can see where this is going. Nah, it'll be fine. It's fine. She's a sweetheart. It'll be fine. Okay.

Yeah, I'm a sweetheart. It's one thing She's a sweetheart. It'll be fine. Okay. Yeah, I'm a sweetheart. It's one thing to be proud of what you are and whom you are. It's another to be a flaming, obnoxious asshole. It is something, isn't it? However, I do have a problem with when those aforementioned things are shoved down your throat hole by the mass media and extremists. And by extremists, I mean those flailing themselves around like a restarted sock puppet.

Restarted sock puppet? Yeah. Reading. Are we suddenly in a Mad Lib? Yeah. Alright, I'm going to need a noun. Booger. Booger. Booger. Penis. Penis booger. Sock puppet. Go with booger. Yeah. Booger power. Hee hee. Hee hee. Booger. Booger. Penis. Penis booger. A sock puppet. Go with booger. Booger power.

Booger power. Attached to their coats are 300 buttons so they look like a walking fucking flag. Wait. Flags have buttons? They do. Yeah. Apparently. Haven't you been to the

nation of Bennigans? I don't hate any one particular group of people. What I do hate is when I encounter those act like stereotypes. What, you mean like a fucking fat white girl talking about how much she wants to go to Japan and she can't type anything? It's not a stereotype. I'm going to give you an example that shows how wonderfully sensitive I am. For example, I see a black person in the library.

I don't walk up to him and say, Sup, nigga? Good. Congratulations, I guess. Here, have a cookie. The implication is that black people do that to her all the time. Yeah, and then I'm the son of a bird pecking a ball. I don't see an Asian person and go,

lol, flied rice and shrimp. And then a bird pecking at the back of somebody with very large breasts. Okay. Sure. However. Because I guess Asian people do talk about shoe rimps a lot or something. Because she's saying that black people act like stereotypes. I mean, she's saying, I don't act like an Asian stereotype by doing that, but she's not Asian.

She's white. What the fuck? All right, keep going. If I do see some asshole dressed up in a FUBU, Doc Martens, Nike, wearing skullcap pants so far below their waist, they might as well be on their ankles embarrassed. Okay, so they're wearing Nikes and Doc Martens? And skullcap pants. Before I continue, I'm going to close a quotation that never started. Okay, thanks. Before I continue, I'm going to close a quotation that never started. Okay. And a backwards hat with a gold chain so heavy that it can anchor the SS fucking intrepid to the dock and charms so big one would think they took the fucking cover off a manhole, gold-placed it, and engraved their initials on it. Do you work with Tracy Jordan?

Manhole, gold-placed it. Flava Flav, yeah. Yay, I reserve the right to point and laugh at your moronic ass. Fair enough. So do we. Same goes with Jews. I have no problem with them, much as my friend list with think different. Why would they think that?

Because she constantly posts about how much she hates Jewish people. So, okay. I don't hate people. I just hate these people. I really and honestly don't. Okay. How I'm fascinated a lot by the Kabbalah. I know why.

I fucking know why, too. God damn it. As well as some other things, I know why. I fucking know why, too. God damn it. As well as some other things, what I do have a problem with is my boss, whom acts like everything that a bad stereotype Jewish person is, a.k.a. a money-grubbing bag of Jew gold around her neck cheap-ass cunt. However, I think the one thing you will hear me bitch about is illegals mostly. Yay! Wait, no!

I could go on and on about them. So many fun things. Because I have met one that hasn't fit the friggin' stereotype made out for them. Huh. Period, underscore, period, semicolon, semicolon. If and when I do, I'll happily change my mind something tells me no and also I'm pretty sure I know why she's sweating because she's too fat

yeah because she's probably sweating her refrigerator's on the other side of the room so it's a journey build the fence I normally don't shove anyone into a lably or slot when I first meet them. Sure. Well, unless I am PMSing, then everyone is Anna Soule. That's not a very good name.

I've lived next to Anna Soule for a while, and yeah, she's kind of a jerk. She's been a troll for a while, and yeah, she's kind of a jerk. I may joke and be like, lol, in my head, or snicker, but that's human and jerk. Yeah, sure. As well as my kitsune, who can be attributed to me getting into trouble. Times three. Fuck you! Guys, fuck you!

Can be that you have this spirit that you can just blame for you being a shitty person. If you find me disagreeable in any way, I'm either PMSing or it's the Kitsune, which I am. It's the Fox time of the month, you guys didn't know that. I find you disagreeable and fake, and my Kitsune agrees with me. Yeah.

I hope that the name clarifies some of me skewed thinkings for you. I hope that clarifies some of me skewed

thinkings for you. Welcome to the filter. Smiley with really big teeth. Man with

bits for mouth. Colon B! Backwards motorboating. So, uh, Colleen Michaels, uh,

who submitted this one, Portex? Uh, Prickly Pete. Prickly Pete, okay, so tell me a little bit about Colleen Michaels, other than he's a jarhead who has a sissy name Okay, so Colleen Michaels' real name is Michael Purdy, as stated in his bio here

Interesting pen name, okay The name Colleen Michaels the name Colleen, actually, is he took that from his sister as a pen name, okay. The name Colleen Michaels, the name Colleen, actually, is he took that from his sister as a pen name to honor her because she is apparently a nurse in a hospital and he really admired the work she was doing.

And so, yeah, that said, this is a chapter one of his books. Okay, it's called A Manic Kind of Love, is the name of the book. And this is the first chapter. It is about an EMT and it is a romance novel.

Okay. So, there you go. So it's two EMTs that get called in on a job and then they get to the house. Okay. This is from chapter one, Suicides are never clean. When we reach the door, lights

could be seen inside the house and sobbing could be heard. Please don't let this be a house full of hysterical people.

There's nothing worse than trying to do your job and having a crying family member hanging on your leg like a two-year-old

needing attention or apple juice. Kind of so inconvenient when people mourn their dead. I just wanted to tell those people to go into shock and shut the hell up. There's only two problems with being an EMT. Sick people and sad people.

Other than that, it's great. I seem to encounter them a lot. It was game time, and I needed to get my I-give-a-fuck look on my face. You see, at that point, I didn't give a fuck. Hence the need for the look. Exactly, you see. I'm following, I'm following. Nobody special seemed to care about me,

and my empathy for others was pretty non-existent. I always let George take the lead on these calls. He was about to knock on the door, probably made from the tree found only in a dying rainforest, when a sobbing female invited us inside. Where is he? George asked the grieving female. The female pointed upstairs and then dropped to her knees crying.

Fuck. I had just smoked and now there was stairs and heavy equipment to carry. Your life sucks, man. I wonder if my DVR is recording the Sooners game right now. Oh, a burger sounds good when we get done from here. He's such a sympathetic character. George entered the room first. Right on cue, I started to feel the air getting cold.

I looked to my left. He's very dead. I said. Is that the official diagnosis? The poor fucker had shot himself with his handgun. Bits and pieces of him were spread out over his desk and chair.

What a shame. The chair had cup holders and appears to have massaging capabilities. Call it. I said, wondering if the burger joint just down the road would still be open after we're done with this guy. Time of death is eight.

George said quietly. He didn't even check his pulse. He just said the number eight. Time of death is eight. He just looked at him, right? The cause of death was just another rich white man who was in over his head and chose the easy way out.

Or maybe he's a gambler and just lost everything. Perhaps his less than desirable wife stopped giving him the good loving and his mistress just wasn't enough not to shoot himself. Regardless of the cause, there was no open casket viewing for this poor asshole. I always wonder if suicide victims have to walk around with their wounds in the afterlife. George, call for cleanup crew. I said, while wondering if onion rings would be a swell choice for a side with my burger. Yeah, we get it. You're too cool for this shit. I'll go downstairs and make sure the family stays away.

Looks like it's a dead one. Or something. Now, my job sucks on many different levels, but at least I don't have to sit and console the family members. I leave that delectable duty to the fine men in blue. Just for the record, lots of EMTs wear blue.

Yeah. My job is to direct the cops in a coordinated fashion to keep the family members away from the dead body. So you're just directing traffic? Yeah, my role is basically tape. All right, let me get out the orange batons. This way, this way.

I mean their deceased kin. What bullshit. There is nothing upstairs but a gun, a hot mess, and letters trying to explain the insanity. That man's soul was no longer with us. Plus, the asshole got his blood on the suicide note, so the family really wouldn't be able to read much of it anyways. Readers, I thought I understood the pointlessness of suicide. Oh my god, he just addressed the readers directly. God damn it.

Look, look, look, look. Charlotte Bronte did it, right? And how is this guy different than Charlotte Bronte? Well, where do I start? Hang on, this next part, you'll see some differences, I think. This is where it starts to get good. So this is horrifying suicide. This guy's brains are all over the floor.

You know, everyone's sobbing and unemotional. He's thinking about burgers a lot. He's a huge dick. All right, so here we go. I would be... I would be... I would be... Can you tell me why?

A girl said. She was in her 20s and had tears slowly running down her face. You must see this kind of thing a lot. Well, when a sexy girl asks me a question, I'm always willing to answer. Oh, dear. This is going to turn into a Bill O'Reilly novel pretty soon. The body upstairs wasn't the only thing getting stiff at that point. Let me scrub your back with a falafel. Let me write you a note.

I am sorry for your loss. I said with an idiot smile on my face. Uh-huh. I do see this a lot, but I really have no insight for you. I wish I did. You are so sweet! The female said,

adjusting her body to show quite the stacked cleavage. So, does your wife or girlfriend help you get through calls like tonight? Really? Really? Wait, just a second ago, she was bawling her eyes out. No, it's like... Fuck that guy. I don't even know his name, really. Yeah, to be fair, she shifted gears pretty quickly, too. Yeah, so he's not even seducing her.

I just got whiplashed from this. Now, I know this girl, and I had just met. Who knows what I met? I had just done that. You're probably thinking that I hate my job. I detest my life and swear like a sailor. Saying all of that,

my job does afford me open access to vulnerable, sexy women who just want to fucking get their minds off whatever bad thing has happened. I have fucked beautiful mothers, wives, sisters, aunts. Hell, semicolon. I even fucked a woman whose husband had just swallowed enough sleeping pills to put Charlie Sheen down for the count. Ooh, topical.

Yes, I was a jerk and perhaps a little bit of a man-whore now that I think about it. He's fucked mothers, wives, sisters, and aunts. Like, in succession. First a mother, then a wife. One really inbred lady. I'm not currently seeing anybody. I said with a coy grin on my face. Do you have a man in your life?

It didn't really matter how she answered the question. I would have bet anybody cash that I could still get her in the sack. No, not currently. She said with a flirty smile, now dominating her face. That's pretty damn flirty. Thanks, Pikachu, for showing us how to flirt. My name is Amy. Seriously, stop judging me about this woman.

No! Why shouldn't I have taken this beautiful redhead home with me? Can we think of any reason why he shouldn't take advantage of this grieving woman? Any? Any at all? Nope. She has legs for days and her breasts are begging for some motorboat action.

Besides, I'm a mature man. Besides, I need the distraction. Hey, Ian! George said, grabbing me on my shoulder. I think we're about done here. George is not what you'd call a ladies' man. In fact, the dude can be pretty... Sorry, George. In fact, the dude can be pretty

oblivious when it comes to women. To be fair, he's divorced after being married for 15 years. The only thing his wife left him were two kids, a beer gut, and the self-esteem of a chess player. Damn! Bobby Fischer was so...

Yeah, Bobby Fischer was a humble man. And Garry Kasparov was... Yeah, you know. Still, that man cock-blocked me all of the time without any realization of his offenses. He is my favorite character. He's the hero.

Yes. George, meet the beautiful Amy. I said, motioning him with my eyes to get lost. She and I were just talking. Well, I'm ready to go when you are, Casanova. George said with a smirk and a punch to my back. Dude, if we hurry, we can still grab that burger. Are you leaving? Amy said

with a worried, pouty look on her face. Do you want to come with? I forgot the us. I said, not expecting anything but a yes from Amy. Sure. She responded. I would love to. Didn't you say earlier that your job

was to keep people away from the body? But not away from his dick. Yeah, there's just a dead man just lying on the floor the entire time they've been dead. Because so far, all he's done is looked at a body and said, time of death is eight. And then... Yeah. Wasn't George the one who announced it? So this guy hasn't really even done shit.

He was there to facilitate that. No, this guy said that guy's dead. He's very dead. He's very dead. He's very dead. That's right. Yeah, so Liz is a lady who's pissed off that Amy's about to fuck a guy when her dad just killed himself. For some reason, I think she and George need to hook up. Yeah, cockblock twins there.

Yeah, no kidding. Hindsight is 20-20, but that wasn't one of my better ideas. Liz's face began to get really red. She was joking. I knew something bad was going to happen, but I got distracted by George's plea to move. When I returned my attention towards

Liz, she was now standing inches away from me. You know, I like to be dangerous, too. Oh, Liz is fucking sexy. She whispered ever so gently into my ear. Ma'am, I think you have the wrong idea about me. I said, trembling from head

to toe due to her soft breath brushing across my neck. Unfortunately, or perhaps very fortunately, she wasn't buying what I was selling. Liz proceeded to run her soft but cold hand across the back of my neck, lightly playing with my hair. She leaned in real close,

almost as though she was going to kiss me in front of the 15 or so people grieving around the house. Exciting. Women act like this, just over windows. Yeah. Yeah. If you want to play, she said with the voice of

a siren. Play with somebody your own age. Okay. She agreed big fat first. Every word that

came out of her mouth gave my arm goose bumps. She made me so nervous that my mind started to escape me. Did I remember

to feed the dog this morning? What? Did I have a dog? I needed to get a grip, but instead I dug myself into a deeper hole. Do you want to go somewhere? Why did you turn southern all of a sudden? I asked my voice suddenly changing. Annoyed with this, actually.

Fair enough. It's like, for God's sake, fucking come already or something! I don't care! I asked, hoping to Christ in my dick, that this was about to happen. The father, the son, my dick. Liz began to slowly

move us toward the door. We reached the door, and Liz slowly opened it while moving her hands down to my hips. Her face moved ever more closely to mine. You're an asshole, she said so softly that I didn't make it out right away. I'm not in the business of rewarding assholes. Oh, lumpy space. Just like that.

It's like werewolf rules, you guys. That's exactly what I was going for. Well, in that context, pretty good. Just like that, she pushed me outside and closed the door. I was left on the porch with a hard-on and sure that I had indeed owned a dog. Uh-oh. That's not good. I have a hard-on.

Wait, I do have a dog. Oh, dear. I sense a hard-on. Wait, I do have a dog. Oh, dear. I hear... I sense Kindle porn on the horizon. Did you just get thrown out of the house? George said with a snicker while standing at our truck. We still have time to go grab that burger. I wasn't hungry anymore.

Okay, that's bullshit. I was hungry, but for the beautiful, charismatic, intoxicating woman who had just stood up to me. No woman had ever done that to me before. Yeah, it's obvious. Had she really just made me the prey in this hunt we call being single? Nah, her father just blew his brains out. That had to be the reason why she rejected me. I was sure my game had remained intact. Yeah had to be the reason why she rejected me. I was sure my game

had remained intact. Yeah, that was the reason. Yeah, you're still the alpha, though. And the reason Nariu flunks out of school is because she has bad teachers. Exactly. George, let's go get that burger.

I said while overwhelmed with thoughts of her beautiful eyes she just totally stood up to me maybe I'll marry that girl one day oh god readers, readers at that point in my life I was full of shit

really? you poor tax hi just sorry I'm uh Ian's brother I just wanted to give a speech at the wedding of Ian and Liz ever since

you guys met it was such a beautiful story Oh dear Ian, the time that Liz and Amy's dad blew his brains out and Ian and Amy's dad blew his brains out. And Ian and Amy were about to fuck. His cock blocked them.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Liz touched his dick. Yeah, his kiss. Oh, yay. It sounds like they'd already been drinking for a while before they got to the best man. Wouldn't you? They're not drinking enough.

Oh, God. Fuck you, Portax. Or whoever found that. Whoever has involved with that. Fuck Prickly Pete. Fuck you, Prickly Pete. That really was something. All right.

The third thing. This is from Odd. Thanks, Odd. So, this is a comic called... I need to get the full name of the comic. It's the Jen-fer show. The Jen-fer show, not Jen-fer. Jen-fer. The point is that it's a webcomic starring

a woman with comically massive tits. They are so large. So, so very large. And I'm just going to show you guys my favorite panel that I found. Okay. Oh. and I'm just going to show you guys my favorite panel that I found okay oh

what so this is obviously an audio podcast so Portex if you will describe what happens in your favorite if I can in the top panel there's two panels there's a mess there's two panels. Yeah. There's a mess of MSP.

There's, I think, a cat girl shoving Smurfs up her nose while drawing a circle around her eye in red Sharpie. And it says, just before it passed out, and then the word in is written above out, with an arrow pointing to it. And it says, Rush, Miss J, and give my some. And then it has a bunch of dots after it, that I assume are ellipses. That's the first panel.

And then a woman with tits, and frankly a whole body, at least like 650 times bigger than her head. Is doing a downward punch onto seemingly an already dead man. Whose body is made out of sleeping bags and I think part of a penis. It's a Zoom Pow where she's punched him. And then it says, Hell! To pay!

As best I can tell, the plot is a dude gets swept up into a different world where he becomes a cat girl school girl? In a school girl outfit? And then the lady with astronomically huge tits teams up with her, and then

something. And things happen. Yeah, so there's many, many comics that if you wanted to go to the website. We, the F Plus readers, are going to be introducing you to the characters

starting with Miss J. Alright. Alright. Miss J, full right. All right. All right. Miss J. Full bio.

Cast meaner one. Full name, Miss Jennifer RJ. Number seven. Age 44. Sex, female. Weight, 370-somethings. Height, six-somethings. Her height is six.

Mother, Jennifer RJ, the sixth. Number six. Farther is six. Mother, Jennifer, RJ, the sixth. Number six. Farther is Mr. AJ. He's just way back there. All the way over there. Friend. I don't know friend. Yeah, it's just friend in parentheses.

Miss J has two sisters. Miss Jenny J and Miss RJ J the 7th. It doesn't say the 7th though. It says number 7. So confusing. Okay, and also there's a brother. So Jennifer RJ the number 7. Right. Sisters with Miss RJJ

number 7. Yeah, this guy might have a certain name that he really likes. Is her W actually 370? Because that's a lot of really likes. Is her W actually 370? Because that's a lot of Ws. What's her brother's name? The brother's name is Dr. Quiet Quigley Jay. Okay, just joking.

Anyway, her brother is a globetrotter? Bio begins. As in the story, you learn about Miss Jay's disorder, and you will learn more details. It is a hereditary disorder that run in the family, but old is the only thing of the twins. It's had it for seven generations of Ms. J had her twin both got the genetic hereditary disorder called gynocomstiaggigantism disorder.

Clearly a real thing. Gynocomstiagigantism disorder. I understand what the problem is. Why does Google think that I misspelled that? So weird. Anyway, for as we know, it's a genetic hereditary disorder for a woman. Only, comma, one of, let's say, a gazillion women has this.

One of the more women who have ever existed on the planet Earth. One of a Googleplex. Women has this. Even rare in twins. This pituitary gland... Even rare. The pituitary gland regulate all hormone to the baby from one day

with larger amounts of estrogen, somatotropin, a growth-stimulating hormone, and noprogesterone, a male sex hormone. So they can continue puberty through life, causing the breast to grow larger and larger to giant size. Part of this gland is not working to the groth stop and never will follow the pectorasis major muscle, glandular tissue, facilla pectorals, Cooper's ligaments, areola, Montgomery's glands.

Oh, no. That scares me. I believe those glands are mine. Milk ducts, lymph nodes, Montgomery tubercles, and a lot of aviolicus. Wow. You can tell that's really important to this guy's fetish, is all that medical shit. What do you mean?

I don't understand. Oh, dear. Okay. Areola and larger than normal nipples. It says areola so many times in this. I'm trying to find the right area. It's all kind of running together here. I'm looking at this with envy because this is fantastic.

Tits, tits, tits. All right, fuck it. I'm taking it from here. Diet or mastectomy can't stop this groke. Can't stop this. To make this worse, it will continue to grow to the size it was. Wow, whoa.

No. Oh, whoa. Yeah, you've added a lot of extra layers to that. Okay. To make this worst, it will continue to grow to the size it was in fast amount of time, when they even bigger than ever will be for it, so it will become like a handicap. So difficult. I know. It looks but try to do everyday thing is difficult. So she wear a special bra that her mother made her bra. All thought her life Miss J's sister took over. Make them for her and other things to her to wear. Doorways and things. You're like the guy from Twin Peaks.

Sometimes her elbows bend backwards. I am just, I'm focusing in on the letters. I'm just trying to not Speeds of sweat just pouring on your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just steely focused

here. Other had to make larger, like her car, just to move around and to continue exercising the back muscular system to keep the weight of the beast from turning in... The weight of the beast! Turning her into hunchbake of life. Oh, hunchbake!

Note, anyone who has this disorder can't give blood to anyone, to any who have gyno-mastia, bracket one, or gyno-mastia, without the bracket one. Giganto-mastia. Giganto-mastia. Giganto Mastia. I don't mind. If you got disorder, men or women,

their breasts... No, it's their beasts go. Their beasts grow almost overnight to gint size, just like her lover. It would have been so awesome if it had been gaint size. Gaint.

Yay for gates. Now, you see to Miss J this disorder a course, a blessing, a hadcap for. God, sure, why not? Miss J doesn't. Miss J, but don't feel sorry

for her. You will find out why on Gone Story about her. Biff Place and Like Yukon. Miss J. And Miss R, Zodiac Signs, is Aquarius. Wheater Bearer. Birthstons and Flowers is Amethyst. Amethyst, okay.

Sincerity. And Violet or Primrose. Oh, Amethyst. Okay. Sincerity. And Violet, or Primrose. I can't do anymore. Can I please do Castmender number two? Castmender number two is good. Actually, all of these are pretty great. Yeah, I want some of this. Okay, okay, okay.

Whoever wants the next one, I'm spent. Wow. You can sit down with an ice pack. I need some oxygen. Yeah, there's ones after this some oxygen. Yeah, there's ones after this, too. Yeah, there are. Okay. I want Castmender number two.

Castmender number two name. Gen real full name. No one care about his last name. Fuck yeah. Sax M. But in this story, you find out he transgendered mean in C below. Spoilers.

In C below. With 60 height 4. Sure. Feet this name flammy? As we've already found out, these characters don't have any depth. We real don't all we mom dad sister. I agree. Is this person getting

stupider as they're typing this? If they're drinking at the rate I'm drinking, I'm not surprised. Yeah. Brother Burn Blase, Vancouver, BC. And this Stoyi, and Burnblaze Vancouver, BC Oh yeah And this story And me need to come You learn for Jen's many disorder

Like gynacomastia And in turn into Gynacomastia Sorry, gigantomastia His gender identity being A transgendered Pain disorder Art zodiac signs is Leva, byints, birthstorms identity being a transgendered paint kit disorder.

Art Zodiac signs is Leva, Bayince, Birthstorms, and flowers is Opal Arturmaline, Pope, Calendula of Cosmos Cast. Bravo! I don't know what the fuck was that.

This is getting to me. This is affecting me. Her dad made millions by owning the patents on the air in potato chip bags. Hey, hey, hey! What do you have in that potato chip bag? I patented putting air in that shit, man. Pay up. No, not the process of putting air in it.

The air itself. She drives a 1919 model J-Ford car. Her car has a musical note on the radiator and fancy mufflers on the side. She owns a powerful magic sword that she found at the dump. How powerful would it be if somebody just threw it out like that?

I just threw that shit out. Yeah, all right. So, yeah, you're getting quiet Quigley J then. It's fine. Cass Mender number... Who knows? There's no number there. Do we continue?

Full name is Dr. Quiet Quigley J. Age, not there. I hate numbers! Sex is M. IQ is 230. The reason I got that name, Quiet, that he was a very noise baby, and also he is very smart on everything, but one thing, cooking.

Quiet is an ex-punk guitarist from his high school band. He drives, and I guess I leaned on the caps lock key. I'm not going to bother shouting all this. Well, you know, he has huge tits, So it's going to touch some of the keys. Well, you have to yell to get the sound over them. I can't hear you over the sound of these tits. Anyway. Quiet is ex-punk guitarist from his high school band.

He drives an old van with the class of 83 on both doors. He jointed Miss J and the band when he was fresh out of college. Hey, Miss J needs weed. He graduated from college with all the PhDs he could get. All of them. Give me that. Hey, hey, hey.

Just hoarding them. Yeah. I need evolutionary biology. I need organic chemistry. It's like, what are you going to grad school for? What do you got? All. All of them. He's very smart.

He owns and flies an old biplane, as in byproduct plane, with a machine gun from WW1. He also owns a motorbike and lover to take pictures of wildlife. He has a girlfriend named Mae Quinn. She also inbounds

too. That doesn't have a J in it. So that's like cow punk or something here. He's the first backup guitarist. Art is the second backup guitarist. He goes crazy over cues. Sure, who doesn't? He lives

in the campground with the whole band. Now quiet is quiet. He have not changed and still is him a nut that can't cook. What? Still is him a nut. Is him a nut. What are you having problems with? That can't cook and still

in love with Q's and May. Cortex, can you give us castbender number five? I don't know if I can. Period. Inexplicable period. know if I can. Okay. Period. Inexplicable period. Yeah, I guess we're done then. Castmender number five name.

Colon. YA. His real full name is a no at this time. Age ten. Sex-m farther. Mr. Ya. His real full name is Unno at this time, too.

Mother Unno at this time. Ya is one of many cousins that Miss J, Miss R, and quiet Ya good friend, too. Ya is and his dad all way help out

the J's possessive and have the same dislike to Unl- C- Don't hurt yourself now. C-more. And John Kasmender number six.

Kasmender number six. Kasmender number six. Misko that's the way it's spelled. Castmender. Number six. Misko-friendly. Age. Nine. Sex.

F. Misko is a tour tomboy. The end. The end! Lemon, can you give us Castmender number seven? Before we move on, that last one I read has way less words than number five, but has way more information. It actually has a name,

a tomboy, a kind of character. We know... Lemon, you gotta read Cast Member number seven. His boobs aren't the only thing that's well-developed. Castmender number seven. Mae Quinn, huge blank space. Copied links from Wikipedia. Mae Quinn, Jedi, maybe.

Next is the old cast bio for Miss J and the AM. All done. Oh, I see. Oh, I still gotta do this. So this is the old bio for Miss J and the AM, I guess, from 1986. Oh, okay.

So we kept it around because... It's part of history, man. Coming up next on KLPU, it's Miss J and the AM. Miss J and the AM, 1986 via. We're gonna be counting up backwards. Alright. Meaner. There is no one.

No, there's no number one. Two. Art S, the man behind the band and lone time friend of the J. 3. Quiet J. 4. Bratia the Yukon Chicken, half raven, half chicken 13. That's way plain nuts, But with a very big heart To follow Burns and the band

And also his sideline job Is selling thing from his stand You will leaned of him in this book What? Five I just read what's there honey Five May, a long time friend of Quiet

With a great voice and on the piano. Six and seven. Six and seven. Y. A14 and Mr. Y. I don't know! Cousins of Miss J. Miss R and Quiet on Miss J's mom's side.

Mr. Y. They're only quiet when they're on Miss J's mom's side. I would stay quiet, too, otherwise the breasts would get me. That's a good point. Mr. Y. A. Own the biggest record place in town and why? I joined the band because he love and band and singing. Good reason.

I thought so. He joined the band because he love and band and singing. He made a good singing. Eight thought so. He joined the band because he loved band and singing. He made a good singing. Eight. Jake. He always popping up somewhere in the strip the man with 1001 jobs. Nine. Super Whitey.

The Yukon only full-time superhero slash bank cop. What? Super Yukon territory. That's what that stands for. Is this guy Canadian? Yeah. That's like calling yourself Super California.

Ten. The Golden Ram 16. The bad guy of this trip hates superheroes, Miss J, cops, late pizza deliverer to his hind out. He is called everything. Like the bad guy, the crook, the evil one, the bank robber, and so on. But his real name none do know yet, but soon you will.

Listen, on your website you promised that you'd deliver a pizza to my ass in 20 minutes. 11. Kate S. Art S., sister, and Y., a girlfriend. This guy doesn't know how apostrophes work. He knows how anything works. Really complicated.

12. Miss B., May's pet and friend of Britia, and one of the band's backup singers. 14. Miss Go, the owner of Go's Recording Hut and friend of Mr.'s backup singers. 14. Miss Goh, the owner of Goh's Recording Hut and friend of Mr. Y. Welcome to Goh's Recording Hut!

15. Dan Love, the band's manager. 16. Betty Love, 17. Dan's sister. Joni Love. I found out Joni Love's the number 17.

17. 17. Roselove. Dan, other sister, and dose the bands purr for them. 18. Miss RJ18. Miss J, twin sister, almost the same, but Miss R get mad easy than Miss J and wears a different hat and higher do. Wait, so that's enough said? Yeah, she does

the hiring, so she's like the HR person for this trick. 19. Horace the Robot. Breachia friend and the band helping hand. I'm glad you stuck with only 19 characters, because

otherwise this would get confusing. Well, there's a bit more. There's more yet. Oh, good. Miss J's car, the Sliver Note. This car have been passed down one day to other sign

1919. Cosign 1919. Well, yeah 1919 what is behind Miss J and the M and other things about them that is who I am and who then are as you have read so far as a lot of who and me

I am and how I look at this world though my eyes and my art and poems that I had done of Miss J and the M and me over the last 16 plus years now. I told you, I told a ton of words, through the eyes of Miss J and what I and Miss J be live in.

She is me and I am her. And we lived by this nice philosophy of our life that you all read here, but there are more who and why and other things that you will need about Miss J and the M in this they own cater and why

they was a big part of my life, felt their words and mine fucked story and so on, but you may ask who did Miss J got I part of life, and when I told about mine, you will going to find it out here. Take a bow. Yeah, what the fuck? Very impressive. you will going to find it out here take a bow very impressive

it's just I imagine running like an obstacle course like swinging off the rope and like running through the tires and shit And there we go. Around about an hour of... John, what did you learn this week? I learned that our fans know way too much about the internet. Just way, way too much.

And that's not necessarily pejorative. That's not necessarily an insult. It's just... No, because so do we. Yeah, no. But I mean, even so, I think... You know, when I go about the day of the lives, I look at people as I browse around Walmart and buy every kind of hot dog that I can.

I just think, these people... It's not like you're living life. Yeah, you know, it's a hobby of mine. But I just think, as I'm picking up the Nathan's skinless, boneless Franks, I just look over and I'm like,

I bet that person doesn't even know what a podcast is. You know? And I just feel so internet superior. I'm like, I know the internet.

And then I come here and then somebody brings up that webcomic or the romance novel. Well, that webcomic in particular, I'm just like, this thing, i didn't even know this existed so you people are more internet than me and i'm not the top of the internet person ladder but that's still saying something it's terrific you know i uh i i find it it ends up like more and more isolating because you know

i get into i get into conversations kind of frequently with people. It'll be like, oh, what did you do? Oh, I do this podcast. Oh, what's your podcast about? Oh, well, we just did this thing about this guy who can't spell and he was obsessed with gynomastia. And then everyone's walking away from me. Well, before we go,

let's go ahead and credit these internet-ish people. We got Inari did the crazy otaku web of their kids. Yes, indeed. Whatever.

Thank you very much Inari for that. And I do like, before we go, I like how the name is because of you. Yeah.

Thanks a lot. But I do like how the submitter names kind of fit in. Inari is Japanese for something sushi. I've seen it on a sushi menu, I think. Whatever. But then the EMT romance novel was submitted by Prickly Pete. And I think Prickly Pete's a pretty good description of the person in that.

I bet that EMT calls his dick Prickly Pete. I bet. Oh, yeah. I don't want to his dick Prickly I bet Oh yeah I don't want to look at Prickly Pete And then And then you've got And then the last one I know this guy

I've talked to this guy about the internet for a while The last one is just submitted by a guy named Odd So how much better can it get Yeah He really lives up to his namesake I will say that much So can it get? Yeah. And he really lives up to his namesake, I will say that much. So, yeah, thanks to all three of those people for the submissions. Thanks very much to everyone else who submitted.

I've tried to write back emails to everyone. I've failed in some cases. But please do keep submitting. We're definitely reading your stuff. And we're definitely going to be putting it all online. So thanks a lot. Yes, thank you for listening. And just remember, if you get the ghost sushi, don't dunk it in the wasabi.

It doesn't like that. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. You can tackle the footnotes. That's... Well, no, that's just pasted from something else. I don't think it is, actually. No, he's...

Oh, you're right. Okay. Oh, shit. Alright, bud. God damn it. Fuck you. Alright, here we go. Bracket one, bracket. Gynecomastia. Gynecomastia. Gynecomastia.

Guy! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-