The F Plus - 96: Hocus Bogus!

Episode Date: March 19, 2013

Here's the thing about our AllRecipes episodes: Sure they're stupid, but food actually exists. Welcome to SpellsofMagic.com, a place where you go in knowing that you'll be reading instructions on how to cast magic spells and yet you're still surprised by the poor writing abilities. This week, if you take this podcast as a joke you'll have to restart life. Editor's note: Montrith provided additional content for this episode. Thanks Montrith.

that you... Wait, hold on. We're going to halt for a second on this podcast. Because look at the first thing that shows up from Musings of a Pagan Housewife. Musings of a Pagan Housewife. Is that bunny bread? Bunny bread.

Bunny bread. Bunny bread. Aww. Actually, somebody... Somebody's doing... Oh, shit. I've got to see if he's online now. Somebody already actually linked that in the forums,

and I made a horrible pun. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. No idea. What a weird coincidence. I put a spell on you. Because you're mine! Pretty good. I went to the Hallmark store for their post-Valentine's Day sale, and I saw a whole bunch of pink candles, and I bought them because they were cheap, and now I don't know what to do with them.

So you just decided to buy pink candles? Yeah, they were cheap, but then I realized pink candles aren't very manly, I can't put them in my window, so I'm not sure. So you're going to have to do something with them. Well, I guess lighting them would probably be the first step. So you're going to have to do something with them. Well, I guess lighting them would probably be the first step. And then I think after lighting them, I guess probably do a chant. You know, like, I don't know, sort of make some noises and just sort of hop up and down. And then, I don't know if you've got like a totem or something like that? That kind of sounds like casting

a spell. Yeah. I mean, I've lit a lot of candles in my day, but I haven't done the last part. I don't know if I... I don't know of any spells that I could really do with these pink candles. Oh, are you lacking the resources and the wherewithal? Yeah, I'm not exactly, you know, Anton LaVey over here.

Certainly, certainly. Well, you are well on your way now. There's a website we're going to take you to called SpellsOfMagic.com. That's most spells I know are magic. SpellsOfMagic.com. It won several imaginary awards for best domain for bells, magic together.com. Um,

yeah, I'm seeing it. And it is a repository, uh, of lots of spells. So, you know, you want to,

uh, have bigger breasts, which I know you do. Uh, if you want, uh, to turn into a cat, if you want to kill somebody, uh, any, any of these sorts you want, uh, to turn into a cat, if you want to kill somebody,

uh, any, any of these sorts of things, uh, all it takes, um, is a, uh,

a little bit of time, uh, a little bit of faith and a lot of stupidity. Awesome. I think I have a pointy hat somewhere in here. Let me find it. Raiders assemble! Raiders assemble! Yeah!

I can't stand it! Woo! No running around! In the room tonight we have Isfahan. I've got a spell for flyokinesis. Acer Aquatol. I have an old spell of sharp pain in the butt spell. Bootsring gear.

This spiel shows you how to read mind of animals. Portex. I also have sharp pain in the butt spell because Acer fucking stole mine. And Lemon. To get the phone sex spell, you will need to have a phone. Not sex, I guess. No, you don't need sex for phone sex.

No. Because you're mine! Mine! Mine! Oh! Oh! You're mine! I want, I want to teach you something. My name is...

I have no idea. But I am someone that visits SpellsOfMagic.com And this is my instructions for the body swap spell spell. Oh shit. They spelled it twice.

It's the spell that does the body swap spell. It's automated spell casting. It's pretty cool. You just have to cast a spell. Your name's at the bottom. It's like when you work in a corporation you have a pre-meeting meeting. So you need the spell to get the spell ready.

I get it. So your name's at the bottom. You're Wizard Will. Oh, I'm Wizard Will. Okay. There's no photo of me, but I'm Wizard Will. Always keep a living Wizard Will. There's no photo of him because he's constantly swapping bodies.

It's probably an accident. Wizard Will's personal bio is as follows. Well, I like magic. Fair enough. That's really all you can ask of a wizard. I'm sure you guys are expecting here. Don't read the rest of it. No, it's funny without the rest of it.

It's fantastic. I bet he likes fried chicken too. Anyway, anyway. So, this is my body swap spell. You will need the following items for this spell. Belief. Okay. Hope.

Shit. Okay. Your body. Damn it. All right. Bring that along. Candles. Okay. Con that along. Candles. Okay.

Concentration. I don't know if I can get that. I don't even know what that is. And know who the person looks like. So bring that. Okay. All right. All right.

All right. So this spell will make you switch bodies with someone. So here are the casting instructions for body swap spell spell. Okay, I'm ready. All right, here we go. Step one, go into a quiet place. Okay, done. Step two, close eyes.

All righty. Step three, relax with the candles. Ooh. Okay. Okay. Step four. Imagani, the person. How do I do that?

Are you doing it? Oh, man, this hurts. Talk to Imagani. Okay. Okay. I'm trying. Step five. Be live.

It will work. All right. Good. Okay. Next up. Hope it will work. I hope this doesn't work. Alright. Good. Okay, next up. Hope it will work. I hope this doesn't work. If your belief fails, just hope it'll work.

Okay. Okay. It'll work, it'll work. I hope so. Okay, snap fingers three times. Done. This is a very important step. Step eight, go to sleep. Oh. Okay. Then, you will be that person.

It only works with people you know. Say, back to my body to go back, then close your eyes. A mug on your body, open eyes, snap fingers three times. Doesn't work all the time. Wait, going back doesn't work all the time? No. So you're saying you've got to choose carefully here. Well, I'm assuming that you've seen the Judge Reinhold, Fred...

Vice Versa? Yeah, Vice Versa was what it was. God damn it, why do I know that? The plot of every 1960s Disney movie? God damn it, why do I know that? The part of every 1960s Disney movie? Yeah, I want to say, like, do you have a spell that I could maybe, like, make two different people swap bodies with each other? Because I honestly want to make Barbara Harris and Jodie Foster switch bodies.

Like, now. God, hurry. Okay, Acer, from the same site, SpellsOfMagic. Okay. Acer, from the same site, SpellsOfMagic.com, you have another spell which is really well-written. Oh, yeah, this could be useful. I mean,

I don't know about you guys. I know about me, but anyway. You may have wanted to become a baby. So I about me, but anyway, you may have wanted to become a baby. So I'm going to try to help you with that. Sure did, yep. You're going to need these things.

You're going to need a rattle, a baby picture, and a baby blue candle. It's pretty easy. Yeah. I'm just going to assume that you've got that lying around already because you've been prepared. So we're just going to turn your life around with a spell to turn

you into a baby for an hour. Okay. These are the cast instructions for become a baby spell. I want to become a baby spell. Yeah, I'm sorry. If you weren't paying attention, I just did a bait and switch on you. You're not going to become a baby spell. You, I'm sorry. I just, if you weren't paying attention,

I just did a bait and switch on you. Maybe just a pen spell on the end of whatever people type into the title. Well, no, I was doing a bait and switch. I wanted to actually turn people who wanted to become babies into spells. Okay, I've said too much. I'll just carry on. First, light the candle chant. These words while shacking the rattle.

Ooh, that's good, Tom. All right, here comes some gangsta rap. the candle chant. These words while shacking the rattle. Sure. Alright, here comes some gangsta rap. Goo goo ga ga turns my skin soft. My legs short. Goo goo no hair, no rules. Ga ga. A baby's life

for me. Yo, yo, yo a baby's life for me. This is baby Gangsta Rap. Oh, you got to start over. Of course. Sure, it certainly sounds like it. Really, Lil Wayne.

It was baby Wayne. Come on. Small baby Jesus. Look, the most important thing is it didn't have any meter. Baby, baby Jesus. Look, we didn't have any meter. Baby, baby, Jesus. Look, we didn't have any meter. As far as I'm concerned, we've got the gangster rap part sorted. All right, what else?

Okay, now look. Then light the picture, shak the rattle, though the picture is gone. Oh my god, it totally is! You're right! Wait, was there a warning? It'll be fine? Yes, actually. Warning, if you take the spell as a joke, you'll have to restart life. Is it like New Game Plus?

Do I get to keep all the knowledge and experience I've had? No, if you take it seriously, it's New Life Plus. If you took it as a joke, you're starting over, buddy. It erases my save. it's New Life Plus. If you took it as a joke, you're starting over, buddy. Restart. Oh, man. It erases my save.

Portax, what's your spell called? What's my spell called? Yeah, what is it called? Oh, I got a nice spell. Hang on, let me... Yeah. Sorry, I meant Python. My name's Python. Oh, yeah, I'm Peyton, Python. My spell is called Feed Me!

Good. Okay. This is a simple spell to give you food. Oh, God. Okay. So... What do we need for this spell? The items you need for the spell to give you food is a leaf, grass, a piece of food, and a candle. You read that wrong. No, no, no a food, and a candle. You read that wrong.

No, no, no, no. That whole thing is one item. That's true. A leaf, grass, a piece, a food, a candle. Yes, there you go. So casting instructions for food, mate. Put a leaf on the ground, and then while putting the grass

in a circle around you and the leaf say food food I conjure thee light the candle and say food food I conjure thee give me food on the count of three one two three you should have food in front of you light the leaf on fire and yell thanks sweet can I can it be

thanks asshole or does it have to be thanks? That was me and Jack Chick. But this actually sounds horrible because I noticed that it's in the category of diet spells. So this is how to cheat on your diet spell. I didn't sneak any food in the house.

This is witch privilege. Magical food has no calories. Oh, I see. It's probably all full of saccharin or something. So far, all these spells have been written at like a ten-year-old reading comprehension level.

I don't know what you're talking about. Food, food, give me food! What are you talking about? Boots, you got a choice. You can do one of the two following spells. The other spell will be cast into the heavens, never to be read again. Whatever. Good, good. I'll read it myself.

Hobson's choice. Okay, so would you like to talk to your cat or put a curse on a condom? What? I'd like to put a curse on a condom. I thought you might choose that one. You always get this false choice. on a condom. What? I'd like to put a curse on a condom. Why would you always give this false choice? I talk to my cat every day. Well, presumably the cat would actually talk back this time.

But, you know. You mean talk with my cat. Well, you're putting a curse on a condom, so that's what matters. Okay, good. Alright. I'm Wiccan Bois69. That's not fun. Oh, hey, now I know what you look like shirtless. That's good. Yep. All right. I'm Wiccan Bwa. 69. That's not fun. Oh, hey, now I know what you look like shirtless.

That's good. Yep. I'm going to tell you about my three-star condom curse. All right. Here's what you're going to need for the three-star condom curse. I'm sorry. Wiccan Bwa. Wiccan Bwa 69. Wiccan blah. Wiccan blah 69.

Wiccan blah 69. I want to hear your condom curse, but I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I'd like to know you a little bit better. Can I, I don't know, can I learn a little bit about you? Yes, well. All right, I'm from Texas. Right.

I'm from Texas. Merry meet. My name that I will go by is Maxix Okay There's secret names you can't know of I'm just an ordinary witch living my day to day life I am gay If you don't like that It is just tough

I am an empath and I believe true magic Does not have a color classification Magic just simply is the evil Or good is in the heart of the witch It's just tough. I am an empath, and I believe true magic does not have a color classification. Magic just simply is the evil or good is in the heart of the witch. I do not support kids which use their powers with hate all the time without just cause. That being said, I will leave everyone with thank you for viewing my page. I hope to make good friends. Okay, so we know you're white and from Texas, so English as a sectional language, not really a possibility here.

I was going to say, yeah, he's pretty good for an ESL guy, except he isn't. That's disappointing. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You wanted to tell me about your condom curse. Yeah, the condom curse. You're going to need the following items. You want one condom. Okay, sure. You want one rusty nail. One curse. Oh, yeah. The condom curse. You're going to need the following items. You want one condom. You want one rusty

nail. One curse. Oh dear. You can substitute a thorn if needed. Alright. You don't want salt. You want black pepper. And you want a black permanent marker. Okay? Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Alright. Casting instructions for a condom-cursed spell. Mm-hmm. All right. You're going to want to write Target's name on condom with marker. Visualize the Target wearing the condom as you stab it repeatedly with nail slash thorn saying, Oh, my God. I prick you where it hurts the most in your pathetic little host.

What? Jesus. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Go to jail immediately. Go directly to jail. I prick you where it hurts the most in your pathetic little host oh my god go to jail immediately go directly to jail alright next no that's gonna come later now you gotta sprinkle with salt

Sam I salt the wounds so that they sting each time you try to use that thing oh the rhymes make it stronger yeah salt the wounds so that they sting each time you try to use that thing. Oh. The rhymes make it stronger. Yeah. Don't mean a thing unless you curse somebody's dick.

Now blacken with pepper, saying, and now I set a penile fire so when you're hardened by desire, it burns like hell with no relief, then shrivels up within your briefs. And all that is left upon your mind is how

to cool your burning tine. Tine? That last rhyme wasn't so good. I'm sorry about that. Really, really bad metal lyrics. And now you've got yourself, what, some kind of really unsavory dish. No, no, you've got to place a nail, a thorn, in the condom, secure with

knot, and dispose of it in a public trash receptacle, which everybody knows is the best thing to do for magic. Right. There sure are a lot of spells where you just throw away the shit you just did. Portex, you had another spell, is that right? I mean, we already know the make food spell.

We already heard that. But you have a second spell? Oh, yeah, I do. Okay. Good, I'm glad. I tried that first spell you gave me. It didn't work, so... Don't worry.

I got a much simpler one. It'll be fine. Okay, this spells something called make food. It's a really good food spell. Well, you sold me on it. So, the items you will need is lots of focus. So you see, I'm right there.

Don't need as many items for it. Let me just get jazzed up on some coffee. Are you guys ready? This is really complicated, but I think you can do it. Casting star stones for make food. All powers from up and down give me some food. The end.

A steak just appeared in front of me. That was my steak! You son of a bitch! Give me my steak! What kind of take food back spell? Can I add bitches to the end of it? All powers from up and down give me some food. You don't got any food?

Bitches. You don't have enough focus, son of a bitch. Thanks. I lost my corn dog. My corn dog now. Okay, so Isfahan and I are both going to give you killing spells. And from that, you're going to decide which you think is most effective. Is this a wizard's duel?

Isfahan, you can go first. I guess we'll find out which of us is dead. It's going to be a duel off here. A magic battle. Damn. To kill someone you hate. You will need to follow Oh, my name is, what's my name?

Noel Gray. That's not very fearsome. You got a sexy tattoo. Yeah. You will need the following items for this spell. You must focus in forcing yourself to dream that your teeth are loosing or falling. That is the item you will need. That's the item I need, okay. I'm doing the wrong...

I'm doing totally wrong voice for this. You will need the following items for this spell. You must focus in forcing yourself to dream that your teeth are loosing or falling. This is curse spell that you must enjoy doing. Wait, what? So not only do you have to kill somebody, you have to like it?

Sounds like it. If you bite directly to your enemy in a period of 14 days, he will die from accident. If you bite in his plants slash animals or personal things, he will die in sickness for a period of 14 days, he will die from accident. If you bite in his plants slash animals or personal things, he will die in sickness for a period of 6 weeks. Say in your mind,

bad people harvest what you sow. What? What you sow. Let's say that. Do this spell in 24 hours after you dream. If can't find your enemy, find trees on your backyard and bite repeating the word bad luck may come to you.

So go into your backyard and bite your trees. If you're on a poplar. If not, the spell will come back to your family. Oh shit. I don't have any trees in my backyard. Do you have any enemies in your backyard?

Because apparently that works. Well, I guess not. Shit! I don't have any trees in my backyard. Do you have any enemies in your backyard? Well, I guess not. I want to see this tattoo. So did that kill anybody? No, I'm alive. I'm alive, which is too bad for you because you're about to get the killing spell! Oh shit, coup de grace.

We don't even have to be in the Wayback Machine. I don't know why we're in it Okay, so this is the killing spell How many stars does this One star I killed the other star It was added by Jazz204 Jazz 204.

Jazz 204! You okay? Jazz 204? It's terrifying! Okay. The killing spell! What do I need? You need an instant caps lock key spell.

I gotta go out shopping. The circle case is gonna close down any second now. You will need the following items for this spell. Two black candles! Big white cloth circle! I really like this kumquat sop light voice you have going on. This is funny, but I can't stop laughing. Let me describe what this spell does.

To kill those who you hate, please use this only on those who you think deserves it. By the way, I should warn you, you might get scared because you'll just find him or her dead beside you. But no worries, it's just in your mind. It's not real. That's just a side effect. Oh, this was written by Dave Mustaine. Tonight's moon is the waiting gibbous.

87% fall. Besides, it just has that on for everyone. I watch that news so much. Now here's our over with the weather. Okay. Casting instructions for killing spells.

Lay out the cloth, kneel in the middle and put the two candles beside each other in front of you and light it in chance. I call to the angel of death to open the gate, let name enter and the other side and say it so let it be. Repeat this over

and over until the candle is halfway done. Blow out the candle with the person's name when this is done. Said what? Your dad is behind. Oh no! Killed you with the killing spell! That spell worked.

You nearly killed me, so I think that spell worked. Now we killed me, so I think that spell worked. That's true. Now we know the real dangers of magic. Oh, fuck. Oh, is this a magic after-school special? The next very special episode of EF+. Oh, shit.

Okay, okay, okay. Oh, God. All of the revenge spells are beautiful. Acer, if you will give us the fattening spell, please. Why is this not just the same thing as the make food spell? I like what you need for the fattening spell.

Your name is pretty appropriate for this, too. That is a good name. I'm Teeny989 and I'm going to tell you the spell Fattening. There's no stars on it, by the way, but there's a mountain or something.

It's pretty big. Okay, you're gonna get yourself plum, pez, and apple. What do I need? What do I need for the spell? Two things. You're gonna need two things in order to take a list.

Don't fuck it up, right? Two things. You ready? You write this down? What do I need? I'm good, I'm good. I got it. Okay, you need you.

You need you. You got you? I need mouth. I got my mouth. But you need you too. Those are two things I can use to get fat anyway. Yeah.

Well, let's chat. This is about a spell, right? This is magic. I'm going to give you the magic here. Casting instructions for Frattening. Okay. You ready? You ready for this shit?

Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah, absolutely. Just say it. Just say it. Just repeat after me. Round and plump. Round and plump. Round and plump.

Make a bump. I'm not doing that. Make a bump. Where I'm at. Where I'm at. Round and plump. Round and plump. Round and plump. Make a bump. I'm not doing that. Make a bump. Where I'm at. Where I'm at. I'll grow fat. I'll grow fat. Oh, shit, I'm fat.

No, no, no. No, no, no. You're just getting warmed up. That's the foreplay. Well, yes, but... Okay, say this 20 times. You haven't done this before. 20 times.

Yes, say it 20 times. And after that many times, spin three times. Then you will feel ticklish in your stomach. Sure. That means you're growing. Okay. So, I guess I can just use the spell willy-nilly then. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Warning, let me just warn you. Okay, this is dangerous. If you did this spell more than 20 times, you could be in danger. The process takes a little time, and if you said it too many times, you might grow bigger than before. Have stomach pains. Stomach pains. Instead of takes a little time, and if you set it too many times, you might grow bigger than before. Have stomach pains.

Stomach pains. Instead of a ticklish feeling, feel really, really, really full, and very rarely may stay fat for one to five hours and explode! Yes! You might explode every so often, but you know.

Okay, okay, relax. Exploding is rare, but being really full is very bad. It means that instead of air inflating you, you are either being inflated by a lot of food or a lot of juices that can mean something like our own water or soda and fruit juice mixed together. Or it could be all those things together, juices, air don't know, butter or soda and fruit juice mixed together. Or it could be, oh, those things together, like juices, air, and food, which will defiantly make you so full, you will have your cheeks getting plump, your butt growing huge, and your legs getting rounder, and your arms, and you will also receive lumps.

So be careful! What the hell are you talking about? Wait, I have to be careful now? For the warning, for the fattening spell is warning. It might be food making you fat. Yeah. Warning, you might get fat from this fattening spell. I'm going to print up that sticker and put it on everything.

Warning, food may make you fat. Exploding is rare. There have been trials conducted with these spells to see the exploding rate. Fat scientists. Then witch hats. Just grad students in fatness just having to, you know, put in, like, the free, cheap labor.

Boots, you don't seem very sure of your spell, but I think you should deliver it anyway, because... Yeah, I've been... I don't know. It's fine. It's a good spell. I think you should just bring us, because... Yeah, I've been... I don't know. It's fine. It's a good spell. I think you should just bring us the spell and just, you know, just let rip. It'll be fine. Okay.

Oh. Oh. Oh. All right. I don't know. Kind of a vampire spell. Is that a trick you into kind of a vampire? Okay, okay, okay, okay. All right. No, I don't know. Kind of a vampire. Okay, okay, okay.

I don't know. Kind of a... I don't know. Anyway. What's wrong with that? All right, so... You wouldn't need anything? Yeah, you're kind of going to need these items.

Okay. All right. First get night. Okay. Okay. And then outside. Okay. Where am I going to find some outside?

I don't know. At this hour. That's a really good question. Is my balcony going to do? Night. Okay. So, so mail me the side effect here on spells of magic or on immortal night name is

Nikki Van, well that's cousin she's letting me use Spells of Magic or on a Mortal Knight name is Nikki Vamp. Well, that's cousin. She's letting me use for the mail, and I'm only allowed to log in. She logs in, goes, and messages that are from me. I bet you guys were expecting a live journal entry inside of the spell. All right, so now that you know what the spell's all about I don't Thank you for elucidating us Yeah, I'm gonna tell you how to

cast the, I don't know, kind of a vampire spell Alright Say this 12 times Okay I don't wanna be human, I wanna be a vampire with speed so fast,

strength so strong, eyesight so perfect, healing so fast. Oh man, I'm a slave to the rhythm. Eyes so... Choose a color. Fucking I don't know. Purple!

Skin so white. Hearing so well. So racist, vampires! I can hear 15 miles away. Smells so great. Sunlight hurts me. So does Vervian.

What's Vervian? As... It's bad. It hurts me. So does vervian. What's vervian? It's bad. It hurts you. Oh. Yeah. Things that hurt you. As well as steaks. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Turn to dust in the sun. Wait, what? I can only walk in the sun with my ring or necklace fanged so sharp. My fangs will be... We don't even have a prompt for that blink. Purple! Purple! Mail

me the side effects. I came up with the spell. You fucking cast it and see what it does. To be fair, she's not entirely sure what the spell is. I don't know. It's kind of a vampire spell. Anyway, thanks for listening to my kind of a spell.

I'm BellaSwan24. Of course you are. Guys, I know that you all have been talking about sex angels. Oh, yeah. You've been wanting sex angels? Have you been listening in to my private conversations? I've been writing a sex angel novel for three months now. How'd you know?

Well, now that we're all fat, we need angels for sex. Sometimes I like to lie down in the sex and make angels. Just a really fat woman. This spell is sex Angel Instantly. Fuck! Alright, I'm sold. I didn't know there was a better way.

Sex Angel, Sex Angel. Oh, yeah. So this is Sex Angel Instantly. You will need the following items for this spell. You will need to have had a period. Oh. Okay. No.

Alright. You need a locked room. Do we have to be in it? You just need it. You need Okay. No. All right. You need a locked room. Do we have to be in it? You just need it. You need to possess it. You need to have a locked room. Okay. You also need a bed and a darkness underscore.

Ooh. Okay. So, casting instructions for sex angel instantly. Wait, wait. You have a note of caution. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really should warn you. So, this is for Sex Angel instantly. Wait, wait, you have a note of caution. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I really should warn you. So this is a note of caution.

Just be, oh my god. Okay. Okay, okay. Don't hurt yourself now. My note of caution, just be Carfjordl. Carfudgel. Carfudgel. Yeah.

Carfudgel. It's like Icelandic or something, I don't know. Oh, be Carfoyle. Carfudgel. Yeah, Carfagel. Carfagel. Yeah. Carfagel. It's like Icelandic or something. I don't know. Oh, be Carfoyle. Yeah, Carfoyle. Carfoyle. All right. Anyway, so here's the casting instructions for the sex angel instantly spell.

Okay, you must be over 12 to do this. Step one, think of the way your sex angel looks. Okay. I'm thinking. Think of the way your sex angel looks. Okay. I'm thinking. Think of the way your sex angel looks. Okay. And then kaput to three and close your eyes. Okay.

Okay. Breath count to five exhale. What? Okay. Yeah, breath count to five exhale. Use your mind eye to visualize your sex angel. Which you already did, but okay. But this time it's with your mind eye.

Before you were thinking of it. Let him lay on top of you and caress your body. Do not finger the motions. What does that mean? Does it mean don't jerk off? Don't do it. Don't finger your sex angel. Yeah. Okay.

Then spread your legs. Good. Spend five minutes in deep thought about him. Alright. Okay. Then spend ten minutes amogaining having sex with him. Amogaining. Okay. Amogaining.

Cast that food spell. I don't understand. You have an angel on top of you dry humping you. Your legs are spread, but you still have to spend ten minutes just imagining it? Okay. Then after that, try to gently push him to have sex with you. So you summon this angel to have sex with you, and then you still have to still have to try and convince him to have sex with you. You're just imagining. See, he's just lying there.

Basically, for 15 minutes, he's just lying there going, so hey, how's it going? You're looking pretty good, honey. It's biblically accurate. Angels are supposed to be eunuchs, so I don't think he would really pick up on your motions. Oh. Okay, so

anyway, so try to push him to have sex with you. The next step, he will have sex with you. Oh. We're done. Nope. Incorrect. Next up, try to gently push him off and tell him you love him.

Mix messages. Then repeat every night works day or night full moon or none time should be 12 o'clock. Noon or midnight? Either. You can have sex with your sex angel twice. None time. Sweet. Unless

you're on a military base then you can only have it at noon. If I were to set my clock to 12 and then take the batteries out can I have sex with my sex angel all the time? Don't have sex with him after midnight, though, because then he becomes a grumman. But it's blinking, so you have to stop having sex with him, but then it blinks off.

Every half second, yeah. Well, he could just time it with the blinking. I know you guys have been really excited about buying a vibrator, but you don't have a vibrator that's magic. Well, fortunately, if you click the ad link in there, you can get the Secret Desire Fulfilled Ritual Kit, which comes with herbs and some emergency and then a dildo. So, you know, you're welcome.

Emergency dildo? Well, in a pinch, you could probably pretend it was a candle. According to my profile, do not call me uglier or you might want to take that back. Ooh, watch out. Sure. Acer, are you going to help cure our acne, please? This spell is also rated mountain. You're going to need the following items for this spell.

Dirt. Water. Vinegar. Heart. No. So many Captain Planet jokes in this podcast. Fill in the quota. This makes a treatment for acne.

In case you couldn't figure it out from the spell title. Now, you're going to mix the dirt, water, and vinegar together. You should use the same amounts of vinegar and water, and you want to mix together a muddy mixture about the thickness of ink. It's not very thick at all. Depends on the ink, I guess. Once everything is mixed together, place the mud on whatever area of skin you

want cured of acne and say a fathering chant. I only want this part. All these other sins are like my babies. Cure my skin of zits and rash and make it smooth in a flash.

Let it vanish. Pot rocks too. Make my skin anew. Or too. Make my skin anew. Or magic, make my skin anew. That's the best spell jingle ever. Oh yeah. Cure my skin of zits and rash. Smooth within a flash. Blemish, vanish, pot marks too.

Magic, make my skin anew. By Manon. Yeah. Once you've said the chant, wash the mud off. Unlike many other spells, repeating the chant will not increase the spell. Instead, wash the mud off

and place more on. And repeat the chant for a stronger spell. Place more on where? Well, that's up to you. Place more on on forum. Watch him create spells. Predator. Okay,

poor Tex. I think we had a baby spell, but it didn't really work, so do you have a baby spell that will totally work? This is a spell to give you a baby. Oh, okay, so not turning you into a baby. I tried becoming a baby. It didn't work, so I figured,

we'll just make a baby happen. That's nice. This actually is the same guy, isn't it? Yeah. So, pace back. The spell is simply called Baby. Sure. This will give you a baby or give you love.

Either or. You will need the following items for this spell. You will need rose petals. P-E-D-D-L-E-S. Obviously. We know how to spell petals. Come on. Pink bicycle. I got one.

It's still not that petals. It's the shilling petals on the street. Wow. This is the casting instructions. Alright, you have to be ready and you have to say, say, baby, baby, come to me and let your spirit roam free.

Roam free. Sorry. No pulps, roam free! Baby, baby, give me prag-netzy. You're so hot, so baby, baby, come to me in real life, and my dreams baby, baby, come to me, and then

throw the rose petals in the air, and the spell is done. Yeah. Give me prag-net-sy. Prag-net-sy. I really want to hear Barry White do that. Yeah, I'm going to re-record this with Bunny Bread. It's going to be...

And the thing is, when Bunny Bread does it, it really will make a baby happen, so... I don't have an intro for your spell, Isfahan, because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah. I really... I have't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah. I really, I have no idea what your spell does. It's a spell, and it's important to you. Well, you know, sometimes you just learn by doing, so

we're just going to jump right in. Okay? Okay. This is a spell to hate an object. You will need the following items for this spell. One, a small object for Praetis X, pocket change, chapstick, straw, etc. Yeah, see, if you want to, you know, keep something hadn. I know I hate objects so much.

I fucking hate them. Oh, hate. No, not hate. Hade. Well, that's what you're saying. Hade. Maybe it's hadn. You don't want to see it anymore. Yeah, I hate it. Yeah. I hate. Hade. Well, that's what you're saying. Hate. Maybe it's had it. You don't want to see it anymore.

Yeah, I hate it. Yeah. I hate it so much. Well, look. Who can hate? It is mild easy. Hate is going to hate. Yeah.

I have done this for about a year now, and this is cool. You can hate an entire house. Here we go. Oh. Wow. I am down. Yeah can hate an entire house. Here we go. Wow, I am down. Yeah, let's do it. I fell out of a window. Ok, first you need number two.

Be calm. Now see your object surrounded by only black or white. Whichever number one you like best. And see it clear. Now see the main color. It is background very, very fuzzy and the object gets a little fuzz clear. Now see the main color. It is background very, very fuzzy, and the object gets a little fuzzier. Now do this until ooh see a fuzzy blob of the object,

and the background clear. Now see it fade, and as it fade is chant. This object hidden with heart. Make it invisble, no matter how smart. Make it lost, never found. Make it lose. Oh, fuck! Make it lose?

And then you just disappear because you worked the spell too hard? Are you still there, buddy? Are you gone? Where is he? Shit! God, it worked! Shit! And yeah, I guess he never came back because that's the end of the spell. Uh, Empire

Storm. Empire Storm. Can you tell me anything about yourself? Yes. Is there anything interesting about you? I was last seen. I was last seen. Ever. Yeah.

September 6, 2009. Ock, I am a runic magi, and also specailes in other things, but anyway, runic magic with a K, it number one of hardest but yet one of the most powerful I have many runes. If you do ever try runic magic, start out with this spell. Letter if runic was English A-E-Y spell words

N-X-E-L-U-M spell type lock. For other spells, go number two that address. O-N-P-S about spell if you want number two, that address. Oh, and P.S. About vt spell, if oo want number two unlock, take out the and part. So this is a handy spell. If oo lock a spell, it is irreversible. I got some more stuff, but if oo wanna know, as in the opposite of yes, anything, pmm me, kk.

If you wanna know, as in the opposite of yes, anything, pmmy, kk, eee. This is gonna be the sort of stuff that haunts us in our old age, where, you know, we're just sitting there alone in a wheelchair, just, oh, and if you, number two, say and message me. Oh, Grandpa. I remember the internet when people were spelling stuff and...

Back in my day, we had proper spelling. You young whippersnappers, you had no respect. No respect at all for text messaging young punks. So Old Man Acier is still He had no respect. No respect at all. Fucking text messaging. Young punks. So old man Hays here is still angry about text messaging?

Like, dear John. Who drank here? You know what? Fuck you. I got one of my own. Okay. All right. Good.

Fine. Go ahead. Take it. All right. All right. Hey, guys. What the fuck? Okay. Oh, well. Hey, guys. What the fuck? Okay.

Oh, well. Hey, guys. I'm Red Mercury. Okay. And I'm going to tell you about my against rowdy spell. Wait. Is this a spell that's against my son? Because his name is Rowdy.

I call him Rowdy. My heart melts for a minute. Anyway, you're going to need the following items for this spell. You're going to need a towel. You need a glass of holy water, which water should only be consecrated by priests. You're going to need a basin, okay? You got the right words, but in the wrong order. Yeah. This spell will help wife pacify her husband despot and rowdy.

Oh. Her husband despot. Uh-huh. Yeah, her husband despot. It's a very, very specific case. Sure. So if your husband is Pol Pot, then this will pacify him. Hey, that's useful.

Don't knock it. I find the best word to describe somebody such as Pol Pot is to be as rowdy as this. It's like Dennis the Menace type shit. Horsing around in the killing field? Yeah. Take your husband's personal

towel. First, wash towel. Get all of your husband off of his towel. Fuck. Then rinse in a bowl, your husband off of his towel. Yeah. Fuck. Right. Then rinse in a bowl, adding a glass of holy water. At the time of the rinse, repeat as likes. Anger will cleanse.

Quarrels cease. Not to be. Name of husband. Evil. Do not give free reign to his liking violent. Name of husband. do not give free reign to his liking violent. Name of husband. With a towel to wipe and sorrows.

Wife's name. To be forgotten. Quiet and gentle. Meek and spokoyay. Name of husband. From now on until the end of the age, perform actions until the descending moon.

Sorry. Perform actions on the descending moon. So first you have to hitch a ride to the moon before you can do this? Come on. Space travel stuff. If you've got a desk spot for a husband, probably you could technically afford this. The dictatorship has a space program.

Yeah, this is when you go to the Moonraker base. They specialize shit here, you know? Oh, I'm actually Russian. Yeah. That explains a lot. Spokoye. Spokoye. Okay.

Guys, do you want to know about video game pain? This is my favorite one Yes I want to tell you about video game pain Please do I'm going to check my waveform first I'm going to drink a strip and go naked Okay, wait, okay

No, I'm fine, okay I'm at acceptable limits of video game pain Wait, isn't a strip and go naked like in a basin? Yeah, it's in a giant. It's in a giant cooler. One star video game pain. You will need the following items for this spell. Number dot a WWE video game.

Hit a vortex. Dot a WWE Smackdown versus Raw 2009. That's an IE. Wait, IE. Wait, apparently that's the second thing, which is an IE, but okay, that's fine. Don't get confused. Like, bring a video game. That's what matters.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Next up, a TV with the WWE show and match on it. Done and done. So, preferably it'll have both the show and the match. Picture in picture.

Number next, you're mine. Whoa. You're doing the spell. That's kind of hard to come by. I don't know if I could bring both those things at once. And then focus. You need focus. Okay.

To make the pain on a WWE video game affect the person being injured in reality. You know people don't actually get hurt in wrestling, right? Hey, shut up! It's still real to me, dammit! Okay, casting instructions for video game pain spell. This seems like a strangely specific spell. Yeah. Video game pain!

Look, magic's complicated. Seriously. Step number one, turn on the TVs to a WWE video game and to a WWE TV show. All right. Okay. Multitasking. Wait, what are these shows? I guess two TVs next to each other?

Yeah, fine. Okay, look. Monday is WWE Raw. Oh, okay. Tuesday is ECW. I'm almost positive that's canceled. Friday is SmackDown. Yeah, what if I want to do a TNA on Thursdays?

Oh, well, this also works with TNA on Thursdays. Thank God. Start from step one on a Thursday. Okay, okay. Gotcha. Why not put that in the list? I really thought about this. How is it different from anything else on the list?

I got you covered, man. It's fine. Wait, do I have to go... So I just did step one. Do I have to go back to it and do it again? Yes, that's what I said. I said start from step one on a Thursday, and then at this point, you're going to hit this parenthetical, and then you'll go back up to step one.

Sorry about that. That is poor writing on my part. Okay, step two. Start the match on the TV on your video game. Gotcha. Okay. Good. Okay.

Step three. Aim your hands at both TVs. How can I play the game? I just dropped my controller on the floor. How dare you! Do not make fun of Jeremy Fernandez! He is a wonderful man above your mockery! Scumbag!

Is this his cousin or something? Absolutely I am! I'm so sorry, Sarge. That's Mr. Slaughter to you! Very nice. Step number four. Think of the wrestler's name you want to injure. Like, his real name or his stage name?

No, you just want to injure his name. It's easy if they're... The answer's easy. They're both Goldberg. Step number five. While you have name in mind and both hands aimed at the TV, say this spell. The pain on here is the pain you will feel. The wounds you get shall not heal.

Virtually, I kick your butt. Now his pain shall move to his gut. That was a hard kick in the butt. One this night and in this hour. Your pain you'll feel with my power. Dr. October. Since pro wrestling is a fake sport, they also had to come up with fake ways to fix matches.

Fake! Dr. October was cutting a promo. Oh, you're gonna get some transferred pain! I am pointing my hands at you, motherfucker! Ow, ow, pain, ow, oh. This is so weird, because Dr. October submitted that, but all of his other spells are just general hokey. Yeah. October submitted that, but all of his other spells are just general hokey.

Yeah. Did he just go insane one day in time? Because all the other spells are just general new age bull crap. One day he just went No, no, no. Comic book spell is pretty similar. Yeah, comic book spell. That is true. Okay, I think this might be the last one.

Acer, you are going to help us Wait, wrong one, sorry. Okay, there we go. Acer, you are going to help us win the love of a woman. Wow. You sure you want me to help you with that? Oh my god, it's a five star spell.

Wow. Isn't that exciting? Well, that's alright. I already fixed it so her favorite wrestler won the WWE match. Doesn't that cover it? Well, you gotta take it one step further. You gotta be romantic. To win the love of a woman,

you will need the following items for this spell. Apple or pomegranate. Those are pretty distinctly different fruit. Now, you must chant this phrase three times over. Apple or pomegranate. Give the fruit to the woman to drink of the juices, and she will surely come to you.

Okay. Here are the casting instructions. Now you get that apple or the pomegranate, then chant. Then listen closely. Okay, okay'm sorry. Acer, I believe it said in that text up in the top right that you have to say it three times. I believe I read that. You did. You you have to say it three times? I believe I read that. You did?

You really want to hear this three times? Do you want to run that risk with Portax falling in love with me? Yeah, I've heard this once. I want to make sure it works. My love for you is like filling third floor. We're going to be scientific about this.

Do you like apples or pomegranates? Both. Okay, I'm going to mail you an apple. Do you like apples or pomegranates? Both. Okay, I'm going to mail you them both. What the hell? Alright, that was number two. We're reaching critical mass here. I don't know. Oh, no.

I broke the spell. What has happened? Something has gone terribly wrong with the spell. Vortex, what do you feel right now? I don't know, but Aesir is sounding pretty hot. No. Let me feel. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Why does this text give me seven Google search results? Oh, God. I was scared. Isfahan, are you okay? I'm fine, yeah. What happened? Vortex, how are you feeling?

I feel pretty good. Aesir, what are you doing later? I'm just wondering, you know, can I go through your trash a little bit? That would be fine. If I could just hide in your closet for a few days, that would be okay, too. Is that fine? Yeah, I just got to let you know that I don't have any used cond, that would be fine. If I could just hide in your closet for a few days, that would be okay too. Is that fine?

Yeah, I just gotta let you know that I don't have any used condoms that you can swipe. Oh. Sorry. Well, make some! Poke a rusty nail through it right now. Oh god, it hurts! It burns! That's okay. We'll make you some food and we'll

even it out. Food! Give me food! Food! Watch some WWE. Oh no, my gut hurts. My butt's been kicked. Alright,

I, I, uh, sorry, Partex really just needs to do this. Do I need, okay,

let's do this. Oh yeah. Don't read ahead. Don't read ahead. I won't read ahead, I promise. Alright. That's quite a title. Okay.

It says one star. Yeah, it's half a book. And, uh, my spell is called Slow Down Current Time! Slow down! Okay. Current time? I could have used that two minutes ago. Yeah, we'll see. I'm in low with

AC here, and now I want this moment to last forever, so we're going to slow down time. This spell will slow down current time. If you need it, it actually works, and it's not making your brain slow down, it's making time slow down. Damn! What am I going to need?

You will need a loan. All right. And not you will need a loan, you will need a loan. Just. All right. Calm. And not you will need a loan. You will need alone. Just the word alone. Yeah. So I'll need like a single of the heart song. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You need a voice loud or soft. Oh. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

And a clock. All right. All right. All right. All right. Let's get this to work. Okay. Say the following three times

If you say twice in a row it will not work Why? Why? That simple That's just a freak out That's not That's just a panic attack What is this work for?

I've come to think of it Black cereal is there anything about yourself you want to share with us? Obviously. I spent my time screaming out why to no one in particular, so... My name is Black Cereal, and my bio is, in its entirety, I know magic, but I don't know what I am. I am a vampire. Oh but I don't know what I am. I am a vampire. Oh.

I don't drink blood. Wow. Wow, you're just a whole bunch of contradictions. You're a man of contradictions. Yeah, I was about to say, you just crammed as many contradictions as possible into three sentences. You raised so many more questions than you answered. Yeah, now I'm more confused. And most of them are just why.

Why? Yeah, one why for each of those sentences. And there we go. Around about an hour of I couldn't see a shit if I can't feel it. Then how could it be? No, no magic. And there we go. Around about an hour of... It's fun. What'd you learn this week? I learned that I, too, can be a magician.

That's true. And that all you have to do to make spells is get on the internet, slam your fists against the keyboard, and put in a rhyming couplet or two, and you're good to go. It really is. It's amazing. I mean, like in a site with, or in an internet that has, and here's a number coming directly out of my ass,

five million sites that no matter what, if you just put a form field somewhere, you just make a website, you put a form field, and you go like, hey, if you just put a form field somewhere, you just make a website, you put a form field, and you go like, hey, if you type this in, we'll save it. People will totally do that. I can fill out a form. Yeah, people are just really into filling forms. And I don't know how you get together a community of people

that want to all recommend their own stupid spells. But, you know, it works, I guess. This really struck me as the ehelp.com of magic because the stuff we read was just so consistently poorly written to the point where people were having trouble conveying their thoughts. Sure. This was something that I thought of the ehelp.com episode, too. Yeah, yeah. I have head juice!

I want to put it on the internet! Yeah, there's, like, people who can't spell, but then there's people who, like, you can't even tell what they meant to write. That's just how disconnected their brain is from their hands. Yeah, yeah. And apparently they all like magic. Well, I mean,

it makes sense, because, you know, we're talking about, like, in the same way as, like, you know, the Juggalos, sort of the voice of the stupid and powerless. You know, it's people that can't really succeed emotionally or whatever. And they're looking for a source of power. They're looking for power over other people. Yeah. They're looking to control. Yeah.

They're looking to control their environment, they're looking to control their environment, which they won't. They have no shot. It's a lot of shit. There's a lot of shit that smart people can't control, and you're not fucking smart people. Yeah, you can't skip ahead of the line in that race there. And if you're looking for other smart people, I would recommend that you go to thefpl.us,

and you should also go to ball pits. That is B.A.L.L.P. dot I.T. It's our forum community. It's a lovely place. Isfahan will post and then he will post again. Yep. It's my job. I post because I love posting.

That's true. That's true. All right. Till next time. Good night. Good night. And you know you're the one who can put out the fire You know darn well when you cast your spell So yeah, I did a Google search for Vervian And I found it in Czechoslovakia

Does it hurt you? Well, I think it's seashells and purses And crafts Oh Vervian appears to be very pretty I'm sure that's what she was talking about. It wasn't just some horrific misspelling of something.

The Lobster Award!