The F Plus - live1a: F Plus Live 1 | Part One

Episode Date: October 19, 2010

A City Pages Certified A-List Event! Bunnybread: Sliding Into Home by Kendra Wilkinson Lemon: The Day I Shot Cupid by Jennifer Love Hewitt Boots Raingear: The Ice Opinion by Ice T Portaxx: Confessions of an Heiress by Paris Hilton bumpgrrl: Junior by Macaulay Culkin

We got a whole bunch of fantastic books we're going to read for you, and by fantastic I mean crimes against humanity, the English word, and everything you hold dear. Our first reader of the night is Bunny Bread. This is Bunny Bread right here, and as advertised, this is the book by Kendra Wilkinson, best known from being one of Hugh Hefner's wives, which is her high point in her career. So let's get to it. Kendra Wilkinson, a journey through retarded sluttery or sliding into home. We first meet Kendra when she had just met Hef. That is Hugh Hefner for anyone who doesn't really quite follow. Thank you. Yep.

met Hef. That is Hugh Hefner for anyone who doesn't really quite follow. Thank you! Yep. After I left Hef that night, I walked down to the gates of the mansion and met Zach. Zach is her boyfriend, who was in his car waiting for me, still covered in paint. He just covers himself in paint. I got in the passenger seat and braced myself for the two-hour ride back to San Diego. So how was it? He asked with a hint of jealousy in his voice. It was fun. I told him. I met a bunch of celebrities that served jello shots.

That was really worth it. Did all the guys hit on you? Not really, no. So that's really it? Well, he'll have to ask me to be his girlfriend again. I said, nervously awaiting his reaction. He wants me to come back to the mansion this weekend for his real birthday. Silence. Zach didn't say anything. He didn't think I was serious. He certainly didn't think that was for real. After a minute or two, I changed the subject

and we both brushed aside the playboy talk. I didn't have much more to say on the subject. Well, she doesn't have much to say on many subjects. Now let's fast forward. This is after our good friend Kendra has actually joined up

with the Hef clan. At the club club we drank and danced. I did a little booty shaking and by the end of the night I was a little drunk and in a fun party mood. On the ride home one of the girls asked me if I wanted to go upstairs into Heff's room with everyone once we got back to the mansion. With everyone? With everyone, yes. In my head, I could hear my mom's voice. You know they have orgies up there.

The alcohol had made me a little tipsy, but I was still out of my comfort zone. I didn't really believe the stories my mom told me. Mother had warned her about these orgies, as all mothers do. My mother was the exact same way. Yeah, I mean, we've all had mothers, right? Yeah, exactly.

I thought it was all hype, but not knowing what to expect made me nervous. So, do you want to come upstairs? She asked again when we got back to the house. Orgies, orgies, orgies! Okay, if I have to. I didn't have to, obviously. I would never have to do anything at the mansion that I didn't want to do. It seemed like every other girl was going up there, though, and that if I didn't go too, it would be weird. We wouldn't want this to get weird.

Yeah, of course. It would be weird if you didn't fuck after. Yeah. I mean, when in Rome. Before heading up, I went with a girl named Natalie to her room. The room they would one day become my room. That would one day become my room. And she instantly scared the crap out of me. No, something a little more subtle. Do you want to borrow panties? She asked. The answer is yes. Orgies, orgies, orgies! What? Why would I borrow panties? What was going on here? There I was, in this girl's room in the Playboy Mansion,

a room that had a stripper pole in it. Shock of all shocks. And I was being asked if I wanted to borrow panties before going up to Hugh Hefner's room with a bunch of other girls. What a crazy world I was in all of a sudden. This was a far cry from Papa John's and school projects. Well, not really. I mean, who here has been to Papa John's?

Hey, hey, show of hands. Not many Papa John's I've been to. I change my panties when I go to Papa John's. I do. Well, I don't wear panties, but, you know, that's me. You're not listening to your mama. But I wasn't about to chicken out now, so I put on the girls' underwear and went upstairs,

nervous and shy, but also a little curious to see what upstairs was all about. And what the other panties were. I followed her to Hef's room, the same bedroom you'd see Hef and Holly in on The Girls Next Door. Sure. But that night, it wasn't the relaxing,

comfortable bedroom fans have grown to love. Instead it was pitch black with club music blasting and porn playing on the big screen. The whole scene was really strange to me and I was a girl who thought she had seen pretty much everything. Papa John's I mean.... Sticking close to... Sticking close to Natalie, I saw there were a bunch of girls in the bathtub. Natalie jumped in. I took off the panties that I had just borrowed and hopped in too. You wouldn't want to mess up

another girl's panties, right? I followed whatever the other girls were doing and I said nothing, which was easy because I'm stupid. Eventually, everyone got out of the tub and climbed onto Hef's bed, where he was lying on his back, waiting. There were about seven other girls with me, and we were all naked. Someone handed me some body gel, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it. So I set it aside on the bed. What's this for?

Yes, she's a nun. She has no idea what's going on with body gel. You'd think the Papa John's. They don't use this at Papa John's. I think this Playboy publisher might be a little bit of a womanizer. Holly got things started by getting Hef going, um, orally. Meanwhile, yeah, it was a back and forth quiz. Meanwhile, some of the other girls were slapping ass,

getting all kinky, and yelling out all sorts of crazy things. I was scared. These girls were strangers to me. I just sat on the edge of the bed and watched. I wanted to be left alone and only do what I had to do, which was show up. Okay. One by one, each girl hopped on half and had sex with him. By this point, my mom's voice was no longer in my head, thank goodness. But if it had been, it would sound a little something like, Orgies, organges, oranges, oranges! I was just focused on what was going on in

front of me. Each girl rode Hef for about a minute or so, and then hopped off and did her own thing. I'm assuming that means compose a poem or sculpt something. Some fooled around with the other girls, while others just sort of sat to the side and watched. I studied their every move. Then it was my turn. I had been taking notes in my head. Taking notes on fucking. Fucking an 80-year-old man.

In? What comes next after in? The problem was, her head only fit like three notes. I'd been taking notes in my head, so I knew about a minute was all I needed to put in. Counting the time in my head, I had sex with Hef for the first time. You never forget

the first time. Well, but she can't count to 60. Okay, fair enough. Yeah. One, two, skip a few. Thirty second minute. All, fair enough. Yeah. One, two, skip a few. 30-second minute. All right. At about the minute mark, or so, I pulled away and it was done. It was like a job. Clock in, clock out.

Or in this case, cock in, cock out. Oh! Oh, shit. Yes! Oh, my God. That needs a little anderdice clay, like, above the head cigarette. Oh! Kendra just went there.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go fuck you, Hefner. Oh! Okay. Now. Right there with you. Oddly enough, our good friend Kendra did not find true love with Hugh Hefner. I know. I know. I know. I was shocked, too. Bert and Lonnie broke up, then this happened. Shit.

There is no magic in the world. Nothing. I have nothing to live for. Ridiculous. She instead eventually became acquainted with a Mr. Hank Baskett. Oh, Zach, fuck him. Zach was unfucked. Hank Baskett is a very spectacular wide receiver who is well known for fumbling in the Super Bowl. Well, no, he's only known for fumbling in the Super Bowl. And so then she hooked up with a guy like that because, hey, yeah, you only find a diamond like that once in a lifetime.

So speaking on the relationship, and this is where she's ended up now. Our relationship was still secret, so it's not like he could talk to a friend about it. We're referring to Hank Baskett. He just had to sit back and watch me travel around the country in tiny skirts and revealing tops. He couldn't even attend the events because security always came on to me with those trips. It was tough for both of us. I'd be on stage at a club shaking my booty and texting Hank in between songs.

Then, when I got back to my hotel, I would call him and we'd talk until I fell asleep. I have narcolepsy. We knew in our hearts how we felt about each other. Would I really be texting him from the club if I didn't love him? Of course not. Of course not. Of course not, and he knew it. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, Bunny Bread, one more time. Now, when we were discussing which book to read in which order, we decided we would not put two different books by two dumb girls together.

So to that end, we've just heard from Kendra Wilkinson, obviously a bit of a dumb girl. Now we're moving on to the scholarly lover. This is Jennifer Love Hewitt. The book is called The Day I Shot Cupid. Hello, my name is Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I'm a loveaholic. Now,

I know how this works. You read something and you build up to the part that you're looking for, and I know that you're going, I fucking hope that there's something in here about vey jazzling. And there is. And you know what? I'm not going to wait for it. So we're going to go right to the about vey-jazzling. And there is! And you know what? I'm not gonna wait for it. So we're gonna go right to the chapter on vey-jazzling. Yes!

Stog, if you wouldn't mind putting up the visual aid. The next frame, please. The next frame, please. Yes, that is from Third Degree Films. That is a film called Vey-Jazzled. The first in a series of pornos for vey-jazzlingling which Jennifer Love Hewitt

started that was her trend although Jennifer Love Hewitt actually pronounces it it's big gosling so that's how I have to pronounce it because there's a G instead of a J but other than that okay so there I was trying to heal from my trampled heart trying to think of anything I could do to get out of this funk. I learned to crochet finger puppets, because any guy I date next will have that as a requirement, right? Right? I perfected my I'm-over-him-and-moving-on voice.

My ultimate discovery came when I realized that if you stare at the ceiling and count it to 1130 p.m., you will reach 1486 by 4 a.m. I am so glad I learned that. A lot like algebra. Not! You're wondering if this was published right after Wayne's World 2, and it most certainly was not. She single-handedly, in addition to a jazzing, she brought not back.

And then, somewhere between the late show and the early show, it hit me. The light bulb I had been waiting for. The best idea I ever had! I need a spray tan! And then there are nine exclamation points. I need a spray tan.

I need a spray tan. While I'm on this, Stog, if you would do me a favor and Google image search Jennifer Love Hewitt spray tan, because you need to see what the results are like for her spray tan. She looks beautiful. Absolutely wonderful. God, I need to get a life. Spray tan seems very exciting after 15,000 conversations with your dog. It's time to let someone in my house and bring them a little

color. That's right. Soon I would be a walking caramel mochiato. Angelique was the magic woman's name. She would be the first person I talked to in weeks And the one who would start the cocoa covered makeover When she arrived I was so excited to start my transformation And then color layer by color layer My confidence grew Oh yeah Yeah

She sprayed on the confidence She told me about the new beauty trend It would not only change my outer appearance But how I felt about myself on the inside. She said it would add a little sparkle to my life. I called it the gauzeling.

In her case. In only certain celebrity cases, they put the crystals on the inside. She wanted to put Swarovski crystals on my hoo-ha. Most of the chapters here are about sex, and she never says anything. Hoo-ha is about as dirty as it gets.

The lack of traffic on my hoo-ha highway. God. At that moment, and my fear of lying sober and naked while a woman puts crystals on my little lady made me hesitate. Then I wondered why. In my head, I couldn't have a vague, gauzeled area without someone to see it.

But I was wrong. I should do it for me. It should look like my favorite denim jacket from the 80s and be just for my viewing pleasure. So I lay down. It was very fast and not awkward at all. And what I saw when I looked in the mirror and I met was amazing. The once

pale, sad girl who couldn't figure out how to move on from her breakup had transformed into a bronze sex goddess with the prettiest hoo-ha in the neighborhood. Yeah! Why, God, why? For the next week, I had this uncontrollable urge

to show everyone my crystal delight. Just walking down the street, everyone is... Thank God I fought that and I actually know how she got acting jobs now. Thank God I fought that and kept the Adoration Society to one.

It's true. I had started to move my love affair with my... Oh, God. Okay. I had started a love affair with my Lower Region Disco Ball. Yeah. You and me both, ladies. Lower Region Disco Ball.

What was that term again, Lemon? Lower Region Disco Ball. And before I knew it, I felt great again. So if you find yourself down What was that term again, Lemon? Lower region disco ball. Yes! And before I knew it, I felt great again. So if you find yourself down and out or just want to have a sparkly secret in your pants, go for it! Boost your confidence and get out of the dumps any way you can.

But don't be dazzle it, fake-azzle it! Yes! Oh, okay. I got about as much applause as I deserve. Okay. Vagazalitz. That's all right.

You don't need to applause. I know you were just sort of basking in the glory of it. Sorry, I mean, we were Vagazalitz. Yeah. I'm blinded by the light. Oh, my. Okay.

So this is a story or an essay about love in the 21st century. It is called Texting or Sexting. Okay. So let's be honest. Texting is fun. It's flirty and dangerous. You can be

more forward if you're shy, more honest if you're scared, and it's flirty and dangerous you can be more forward if you're shy more honest if you're scared and it's faster if you're anti-social and like anything really cool if you overuse it it can be a nightmare the first time a guy texts you it's awesome you can't wait to write back something witty uh-huh and wait by your phone for a response notes you are waiting by the phone for his response. And here it comes, the flirty text that will start it all. You've got his attention. It's hot and you've found a rhythm.

It's been a musingly wordy week and a half. He hasn't called or taken you out, but he hasn't blown you off either. Maybe he just needs a little more time. Or maybe he's supposed to take an hour and a half to respond to your text. Or maybe he hasn't turned off his phone in the whole life and your whole text affair is having a day like a normal person. Oh, sorry, the truth hurts. Okay. Newsflash.

Maybe he's texting you while he's on a date with the girl that he's on a date with. Yeah. On a date with the girl that he's on a date with. When I'm dating a girl, I like to be on a date with her. That's just, I'm old-fashioned that way.

Love that photo. All right. Or else, loving the fact that he can flirt wildly and not commit to anything more solid. Or maybe he's just too stupid to know that you won't stand for that forever. Or will you? Come on, ladies. We've got to be smarter than this. Do we want textin' or sextin'?

It's cool to rely on modern means to get things rollin', but if we don't stop the electronic lovin' before it's gone too far, they won't. Hey, mister, text me all you want, but after three days, I need a phone call and some face-to-face lovin' to ensure that what you really want is me and not a cyber-Sally, hassle-free texting girlfriend.

Can you say passive-aggressive, boys? I mean, what's next? Text sex? I'll tell you what. It's already happening. Ew! Nothing passive-aggressive here. I want a cyber Sally.

Now you're blown away. You're saying, what is this text sex you're talking about? Well, she has an example right here. So this is his text. This is his cyber sex text. Okay, his text. If you're a good girl, dot, dot, dot, I'll text you my penis size.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but she ups the ante. She ups the ante from there. Because her response, her text, well, big daddy, dot, dot, dot, my nipple dimensions are on the way. Yeah!

Yeah! Nipple dimensions, alright. Nipple dimensions. I am entering the nipple dimensions. There's another paragraph, but fuck it, I'm closing on nipple dimensions for that one.

Okay. Okay. One last little piece here. She goes through the phases of a relationship, a healthy, normal relationship, like Jennifer Love Hewitt is wont to have. And they go through the first day, the last day, the time that she

sees your crystal pussy and doesn't run away. That's how you know he's a keeper. But this is actually her most important part in the relationship. Second to marriage. The second most important part in the relationship is called the spoon. I'm a spooner.

I love to spoon There, I said it This is one of the top BFGF perks Like a velcro monkey I will stick to the back of my cuddle partner Creating the ultimate spoon But, and it's no secret Guys hate to spoon

They prefer to fork Lol Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Did she actually write down lol? spoon they prefer to fork lol they prefer to fork lol they prefer to fork lol Where's my fucking nipple dimensions, bitch? Like a little soft female electric blanket, we cause them to sweat. They try to breathe through our long hair and they almost end up clinging to one side of the bed like a cliff that can only bring them death.

So here's the trick. Play it cool. Wait, no. There's fucking advice. Shut up. It's important. You're going to learn something. I have a Velcro monkey. I don't need you, bitch. You're going to learn something. I have a Velcro monkey.

I don't need you, bitch. You're going to learn how to improve your relationship right here. All right. So here's the trick. Play it cool until he falls asleep, and then Velcro yourself to him quickly and very quietly with little motion. Think Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. And then, if and when he wakes up, turn quietly like you were stretching and wait.

When the little lamb sleeps again, one, two, three, Velcro! The chapter that I did not read, and I'm so sorry, but it's kind of long, but it's a chapter six pages long, and it's written by Jamie Kennedy, and it's about Jennifer long. But it's a chapter, six pages long, and it's written by Jamie Kennedy,

and it's about Jennifer Love Hewitt's butt. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know you want that, and maybe I can give it to you later, but I can't do it now. Because right now, we have Mr. Boots Reingear coming up to the stage. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Boots Reingear.

Are you a loveaholic? I'm a loveaholic. I might be a bit too intoxicated to do this, but I'm just going to continue myself. Are you too drunk to be iced tea? Lemon, lemon. He has a good point. I'm not too drunk to be iced tea.

The book that I have selected for my study, for grade four English class, is called The Ice Opinion. for my study for grade 4 English class. It's called The Ice Opinion. Who gives a fuck by Ice-T. I give a fuck. I won't be reading a selection

from chapter 4. It's called Men, Women, and Sex. I'm an Aquarius. While others might think about Earth, we think about the sky. I dream. I want to be with someone who can feel on a spiritual level. This is the spirituality of love. What you're trying to do is form some kind of attachment to this girl that is not of this Earth, like a vibe.

If you can mack a girl out on this level, there is no man who can rival you. You will never be out talked you're talking to a woman on to this level that says I don't care if you've got a man I don't care if you've got a husband I don't care if you're married three years from now we've got five kids you and I will always be on this level here regular people can understand we will always be in love. Ice tea in the house! Yeah, ice tea is in the house. Ice tea is in the house in all of our hearts. This could be real. This is not just something you conjure up.

In reality, this is how you have to reach out to a woman. It could be conjured and just planted in the brain of a victim. But most of the time, we do have a good relationship with a man. It is on the spiritual level. The guy who has that ultimate rap will be able to reach different levels of consciousness. The females and the females will understand that.

They'll be connecting what this means to everything. Wait, I just got to take a little side for a second. This book was technically written by Heidi Sigmund. She's abroad. Yeah, she's abroad, but she sat in a session with Ice-T, who just talked at her for a while,

and this is what happened. I always tell girls I meet that they talk to me, that when they talk to me, they gotta be real careful, because I'm real good at this shit. I tell Melissa half of what I say to them, because first of all, they have to understand who I am.

If you ask, what is the fastest country in the world, it would be the United States. Woo! Yeah! Yeah! Where are we going? Can anybody here think of a faster country than the United States? USA! USA! USA! Fucking USA, yeah! I don't live here. Fuck you, Canada! USA! USA! Fucking USA! Yeah! I don't live here. Fuck you, Canada!

Yeah! Wait. Yeah, the fastest country would be the United States as far as crime and hustling go. These are the major factors of these things. If you broke it down from there and took the two fastest cities

in the US, they would be New York and L.A. L.A. has more jet set speed to it, which is based on the motion picture industry. Flashy cars, gangs, violence. New York is a more walk the street type of city. A lot of dirt asshole hustlers, pickpockets. L.A. is a jet set city.

So we'll give L.A. faster lane than New York. So this is necessary for understanding relationships with women. This is really balanced. I wonder which of those two cities he lives in. He lives in LA. Oh, okay. Not obvious from the text. Interesting. If you think of what LA is and you think of what a rapper is, a rapper is a slick talker. Not only does he talk slick, he talks slick and rhyme. We get paid to talk slick. I'm one of the biggest slick talkers in LA and LA is the fastest city in the United States and the United States is the fastest country

in the world and you're probably hanging out with one of the fastest slicking talking motherfuckers on earth. Yeah, slick talkers. My name is Ice K.D. Do we have any slick talkers in the house? Talpas Portax. Right we have any slick talkers in the house? Talpas Vortex, right there. Slick talker.

So the average girl is in trouble. Be afraid. In general, the typical person has a two-channel brain. Yes, no, right, wrong. The objective of a pimp is to open this up to Why not?

Says who? He wants to give you cable How come? Try this You've been watching regular TV And all of a sudden You've got cable Oh shit

If I can open those channels up wide enough Everything you've ever been taught Will be re-evaluated As you start using these new trains of thought You do things you've never done Like fucking in the bathroom of a club. You've never done that. Whether you want to or not.

Yeah, you've never done it because you've never opened your mind before. It wasn't even your realm of possibilities. I'm like a vampire. I can only bring you cable if you want it installed. That's what I associate with vampires, cable installation. That's what Twilight was all about

I see I'm confused by your metaphor My metaphor is very deep I'm like a vampire I can only bring a cable if you want it installed In other words, I can't come into your house Unless you invite me in A vampire is always outside the window trying to get in He said we're calling

Dracula is standing Around dressed He's the plumber the window trying to get in. He said we're calling. Yeah, of course. Dracula is standing around dressed. He's the plumber. He's a cable guy. He's Dracula. He's a plumber. He's every porno. In the same paragraph.

I'm using every technique I can, but women have to indirectly or directly let me in. They can turn the channel on the TV and I'm right there going, heh, heh, heh. But until they listen for just a minute, I don't have them. People who don't want cable

can keep me out by saying, I don't know who the vampire is. It's you! You just fucking said it! You know what a plumber is? you know what a plumber is? Do you know what a cable guy is? They're vampires. I don't know who the vampire is, and I'm not ever going to listen to him.

I know I'm never going to listen to him. But if you crack your door open, I'll get in. Your life will never be the same. I'll tell him, you better run, little girl, because your boyfriend won't be the same anymore. You'll trip on your parents. It'll fuck your life up. What?

You'll trip on your parents. Because they're on the floor, dead or something. I don't know. One out of 20 run, but they always come back. You've seen the vampire movies. Yeah! Yeah! To be continued.

Vampire cable plumber. Come out this summer. I want everybody to take a look at the screen there, and if anybody's listening to the podcast at home, if this fucking recording ever actually works, do a Google image search for the album Power by Ice-T. There's another Google image search

you can do, though. Oh, yeah. You could also do a search for Ice-T Halloween There's another Google search you can do, though. Oh, yeah, you could also do a search for Ice-T Halloween, and you'll get something really awesome, which Lemon's going to show the live audience at the moment. I don't think I can handle that. Since the beginning of my career, I've been accused of sexism. Yeah, no, me, Ice-T.

Sexism? And to that I say, fuck you, bitch. That's ridiculous. I've been accused of sexism because I'm honest and vocal about the way men perceive women. The accuser's perception of me is so far from the truth. I believe the only reason

we're on this planet is for men and women to trip off each other. In my work, I deal in sexuality, not sexism. I'm sexual. I deal with sex in the most blatant and raw form. Real. That's real sex, not just real by itself.

Yeah, real sex on HBO. Watch it. A lot of feminists have very different expectations. They have no consistent definition of feminism. Do women want to get into the foxhole? Do they want to go to war? Does a woman want her door open for her? Does a woman want to be treated like a woman?

Is that a sexist statement? If you really want equality, are you looking to lose those niceties? The real war is between feminists themselves. Between the woman who wants to wear a miniskirt and the woman who finds that demeaning. Does that explain Iraq? Yeah, absolutely.

A woman will say, my sexuality is something I have, and I don't mind using it to my advantage. I enjoy it. I enjoy wearing makeup and looking nice. This is who I am. If I were a woman, I would enjoy what a woman is. I would enjoy being treated as a woman. God, I want it so much. Ice tea, please go further with that experiment. Sorry, I diverged.

Scratch that sentence. It's not in the book. Equalite writes, being treated as a feminine should be two totally different things A real live conflict exists With women who can't deal with blatant sexuality My girlfriend and I went through all this drama When she wore her bathing suit

On the cover of the Power album I explained to her in advance What message the image of the album cover Was supposed to get across We were going to show the power of sex The power of weapons, the power of weapons, the power of deception. I told her to be on the cover. She needed to wear something sexy, and she came out with her bathing suit. She's proud of her body. She'd been in the gym the night and day, and this was her chance for her to show herself off. When it hit, men went crazy.

Everybody bought the album like it was the greatest thing in the world a lot of women liked the cover too because the gun she was holding gave her strength yeah you know strength yeah I know she's my snuggle buns

she wasn't just standing there by herself she had a weapon she was looking strong I've been to more health clubs She's my snuggle buns. She wasn't just standing there by herself. She had a weapon. She was looking strong. I've been to more health clubs and gyms. A woman come up to me and say, Ice, I've got her picture on my refrigerator. That, to me, is it.

You see, they liked it. Thus justifying my understanding of feminism. The first thing the critics asked was why did you go out and get a model? That's so tacky. Why would you get a model to try to make yourself look good? She's not in your group. What does she have to do with the music? That's my girlfriend, I told them.

That's my wife. That's how I got married in the public eye. I've never been married. I've never even been to a wedding. Yeah, I know. I know. But by using the term wife, that meant I was married. I think this man here is indicating that I need to stop.

Finale applause time. Let's boost rain gear. I was trying to get a finale applause. Finale applause time. Yes! That's Boots Reingear. Ice tea is the ice opinion. Who gives a fuck? All right. The next book we have up here was actually going to be part of a set. We were going to do both

a book by Paris Hilton and then a novel by Nicole Richie. A novel, a novel, a novel. Sink that into your mind. Novel by Nicole Richie. Yeah. And, but I'm going to give you the best part, which is one character says to another character,

oh, my Versace. That's really all youace. That's really all you need. That's really all you need from that book. So what we have coming up next to the stage, hopefully, there she is. Alright, coming up next to the stage is Portex with a Paris Hilton book I don't recall

the name of. People hear me, unfortunately? Alright, awesome. Since this is People hear me, unfortunately? All right, awesome. I love you. All right. Since this is Paris Hilton, I've got to put on my sexy voice, my sexy socialite heiress voice. Oh, God. Yeah, so here we go.

Thank you. Okay. So this is Confessions of an Heiress, a Tongue-in-Chief Peek Behind the Pose by Paris Hilton. Are you going to do ten minutes in that voice? Maybe. Can I shoot myself? Two-twenty.

It's either that or this voice, Lemon. Do you want me to do this voice? Oh, no. I can do that if that's what you want. Never mind. Okay. All right, we're going back to this then. Okay, so the thing about this book is it's essentially a picture book.

Like, she'll cut off in mid-sentence just for pages and pages of pictures of her. So these are going to be short, weird things. Okay, so at the beginning, she kind of states her thesis statement of this book, which is, a lot of people seem to have the wrong idea about me. In fact, pretty much everything I read about myself is totally ridiculous. Newspapers and magazines write that I'm spoiled and that I'm privileged. She's not privileged at all. And that all I do is dance on tabletops and party with my friends. They think I instantly became famous just because I was born into a rich, well-known family and everything has come so easily to me. They like to think that everything

they read about me in the tabloids is true. Well, you can't always believe what you read, right? So I finally decided to give you a sneak peek into my very hyped life so you can know the real me. Finally! I haven't bothered to correct what's been written about me so far because, well, gossips believe whatever they want to anyway. The people I care about know the real me, and if I'm happy with who I am, what difference does it make?

So this goes on about how her life is not, it's kind of hard because she's an heiress. So yeah, it's hard. It's difficult. So, yeah. So, but she, but basically there's part of this of bringing out your inner heiress. So for example, Paris heiress tip. I love tiaras. They're so cute. I like to wear them to my birthday parties. Trust me, people act differently towards you when you've got jewelry on your head as opposed to being a pajazzle. Or your vagina.

That's right. Jewelry on your head. But which head was it? Especially when they suspect it might be real. Okay, so these are her tips. What? Her head. She might be a real head. That might be a real head. Okay, she did not affect a fake head.

So these are her instructions on how to be an heiress. Everyone listen up. We can all do this, actually. Okay, we're all going to be heiresses? How can I be an heiress? We'll all be heiresses tonight. Check this out. This is awesome stuff.

Number one, be born into the right heiresses tonight. Check this out. This is awesome stuff. Number one. Be born into the right family. Got it. Oh, yeah. Okay. Choose your chromosomes wisely. This may seem like ludicrous advice, but actually it isn't.

Now, you know, if an heiress is in control of everything, why shouldn't she be in control of who she's born to? You know how everyone always says that there are no accidents? Well, I believe that you choose who you're born to. I just, I don't know. And if you do have the misfortune of being born into the wrong family, remember, nobody has to know. Airing family laundry is definitely a big no-no for an heiress.

You can always reinvent yourself and your lineage if you have to. Half of Park Avenue and Bel Air have. Lineage can be a state of mind. So if I say I've been born into, like, an empire and I have a ton of money, then people will believe me until they realize I have no money. Number two. Yeah, number two. Have a great name. If you're going to be an heiress, you can't have a normal name. If you can't have a normal name, unless you're British, all British people have plain names and that works really well over there. What? I just, I don't know.

I don't know what's happening in this book now. But in America, you've got to have a great name that stands out. I love my name. Paris is my favorite city. And Paris, without the P, is Aris, isn't it? You see how that works? That's so clever. Ha ha, math. In sixth grade, people would make fun of me and call me France or London.

Well, I'm going to name my own daughter Paris. And Eris needs to have a glamorous or really cute name. My sister Nikki's name is cute. And Eris' dog also needs to have a cute name. My teacup Chihuahua is named Tinkerbell, so she acts like a Tinkerbell. have a cute name. My teacup chihuahua is named Tinkerbell, so she acts like a Tinkerbell. If you have a cute name, you will act cute. If you have a glam name, you will act glam. It's that simple. Future moms should make note of that. Portax is a very glam name. That's why I picked it. Number three, have absolutely flawless skin, but don't fret over it. Pile makeup on and never, ever have a breakout.

Take control of that. Perfect skin is a birthright, and it means you can never really take a bad photograph. No amount of junk food or Coca-Cola can change your skin. And if, God forbid, it does, have a great makeup artist standing by. It can't hurt. Number six is never, ever wake up before ten and never go to bed before three. Normal hours are for normal people. You never want to be normal.

Anyone can be normal. How boring. I'm yawning. Paris Hilton, fuck the system. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!! a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a- a Okay, so, okay, my, and this is, okay, this is a list about her friends, her wonderful, wonderful, not fake friends. My closest friends are the girls I grew up with, Nikki, of course, and Nicole Ritchie, who's been my friend since I was little, Kimberly Stewart, Rod's daughter, and I've known each other since we were two years old, and I love her.

And I like her young rocker chicks, Taryn Manning, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, Carmen Electra. These girls are so cool. I love Pharrell. P-H-A-R-R-E-L-L. That is a cool name. He is the hottest record producer out there. I love Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas and his wife. They're animal lovers.

Jessica Simpson is really cute and really talented. I like her and her husband, Nick, a lot. But the rock chicks I admire more are Gwen Stefani and Madonna. And I have a lot of actress friends, like Dominique Swain and Ashley Scott and Shannon Elizabeth are so sweet, and they love animals, like I do. She's into all the animal causes. They're a great, fun, young scene in Hollywood. And let's see here.

This is important stuff. They should teach this in schools. This is a list of things she likes. When does she start name dropping? And another guy I love in L. in LA is Dave Pinsky from Motorola because he always gives me free phones. I like getting stuff. You can't buy friends until they buy you stuff.

Yes, exactly. And this is another Paris heiress tip. Here's a little test to see if your friends are true. Try on two outfits when you're getting ready for a fabulous party. Pick an outfit that you look hot in and try it on in front of your supposed best friend. Then try it on an outfit that's kind of hot, but definitely not as hot. If she picks the second one, you'll know your friend is jealous. But you'll still look hot, but just not as hot. To go one step further, try on a third truly hideous outfit.

If she picks that one, you know she's really not to trust her. But note, this little test does not apply to everyone. Your friend might have really bad taste. So it's a great tried and true test that may or may not work. Yeah, that's right. She's not a true friend. So the last thing here is possibly the best thing about being an heiress

is that you don't necessarily have to work. I'm shocked. I just, I don't know. Everyone else must work, though, so immediately sets you apart. I've never had to have a wardrobe to wear to an office, thank God. I can't imagine anything as boring

as wearing some dumb sexless pantsuit. And since neither Uggs nor Stiletto seem to really cut it in the office, unless you work at a Starbucks or a Malibu and Vogue, Harper's and Styler W, I have a rough time. Not only that, I'm not good in the morning. Having to be anywhere before noon seems really uncivilized to me. How are you supposed to have a nightlife if you have to get up before noon? Oh, no. I think there's some other stuff in here,

but I think that's pretty much it. I think we get the idea. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Tall Pass Portex. Professions of an heiress. Yeah. Confessions of an heiress. Yeah. You're all... Oh, they're all officially heiresses.

I think we should kill... No. No, she has so much wisdom to give. All right. The next... The next thing that's going to be read is a book. Insofar as it has

a bunch of pages and it's got kind of a binding cover. Get up here. This is a book by Macaulay Culkin. No, no, no. Macaulay Culkin. So this is Bump Girl.

This book is Junior by Macaulay Culkin. So this is Bump Girl. This book is Junior by Macaulay Culkin. This book, actually, I have to clarify, this is Junior or Oscar de la Mancha, The Wembling Warrior and The People I Like the Least, a novel. No, wait, scratch that out. Not a novel. A written project from the normal, well-adjusted, and no, I don't have issues with my father, mind of Macaulay Culkin. No, wait, scratch that out. Junior, meaning me. That's the cover?

That's the cover. Knock, knock. Who's there? Junior. Junior who? Exactly. Holy shit, my mind! I, and okay, everyone,

I want you to get the right picture in your head. Just remember the first time you saw Home Alone. And I think we're, oh my fucking God. Sorry for the listeners at home, I just looked at the screen. Just picture Macaulay Culkin. Just anyone the listeners at home. I just looked at the screen. Just picture Macaulay Culkin. If you want the right picture, I will show you the right picture.

Holy shit fucking shit fucks. Anyway, this fellow, this lovely fellow wrote, I am a collection of thoughts and memories and likes and dislikes. I am the things that have happened to me and the sum of everything I've ever done. I am the things that have happened to me and the sum of everything I've ever done. I am the clothes that I wear on my back, but not in this picture.

I am every place and every person and every object I have ever come across. I am a bag of bones stuck to a very large rock spinning a thousand miles an hour. I am nonsense. Oh, fuck, you got that right. I am the grand total of everything I have and everything I have never been exposed to, but you don't know that. You don't know that because you don't know me. Or is it the other way around? And if you don't know me or anything about me, then why should you continue on? I'll show you. Why go any further? Otherwise, I'm just feeding you shit. True words have never been spoken.

Now, for those of you close enough to the stage, there's like a scribbly blacked out portion here as if something's been censored that's been too angsty to read. This is the book. This is a book. Okay. The title of this segment is I Watch Television. 5 dot dot dot 4 dot dot dot

3 dot dot dot 2 dot dot Ladies and gentlemen, I Watch Television. dot, four, dot, dot, dot, three, dot, dot, dot, two, dot, dot. Ladies and gentlemen, I watch television. Holy shit! Oh! Which doesn't mean a lot to me, but it sure means a lot to everyone else. When I was younger than I am today, he wrote this at 21.

When I am today, I watch TV, and I liked it very much, so I kept watching. So some don't bother me. Others dismiss me as lazy, like I'm not worth the food I eat or the bed I kept watching. So some don't bother me. Others dismiss me as lazy, like I'm not worth the food I eat or the bed I sleep in. Like I don't exist because I haven't cured some disease or invented a hilarious refrigerator alarm. But I don't care. I just keep watching because I like to watch. I just wish there was nothing expected of me and no one cared where I was. I don't exist. Years later, I became a traveler.

There's no pause between that sentence. I'm actually just reading from the same page. There I am traveling to the kitchen and there I am traveling to the bathroom. And throughout my many adventures to places unknown, I have truly learned absolutely nothing. Which means I have learned more than I think I have and I'm worth more than I give myself credit for. But what is that worth?

Certainly not my weight in gold. Which brings me to another point. How do we know we really exist? Oh my god! My mind! Is the fact that I'm standing here enough to prove that I'm really here? Like, if a tree falls in the woods,

would anyone hear me? So if an alien race lands on the planet Earth tomorrow and asks me to prove I'm really here, what do I do? And what do I give them? What do I tell them? What do I show them? I can't sing or dance. I can't paint. I've never

built anything and I've never contributed anything significant to the human race. Like I was never here and no one would miss me if I was gone. Okay, I can't bear to read any more of that segment. So book. What about Richie Rich? What about the page master? Okay, I can't bear to read any more of that segment, so we're going to go to the new one. Junior, not Macaulay Culkin. Junior Culkin likes lists. So here is a list of the people

I like the least. In no particular order. It says it right here. In no particular order, dot, dot, dot. Dad. Then there's a blacked out segment. Jerry Falwell. General Pinochet. George W. Bush.

Kenny G. Mark David Chapman. Dennis Rodman. Everyone who takes acting awards seriously. Followed by Hitler. Followed by

Sinead O'Connor. Blah. Marge Schott. Doctors. Non-drinkers. People who wear too much leather. People who wear too much leather. People who wear too much cologne. X-Man Rogue.

Lawrence Phillips. All my sister's boyfriends. Paparazzi. Stupid people. Vanilla Ice. Ex-Pac. Alcoholics. Vegans.

Jacobs of Jackson. People I love who don't love me back. My dad's girlfriends. People who eat raw leeks. People who make too much noise when they chew. Pete Sampras. People who eat too much curry. People who attend limp

bizkit concerts. Also, deadheads. People who cannot control their sex drives. Bill Mayer. Unrelated. More blacked Mayer. Unrelated. More blacked out stuff. So sensitive. Redacted.

People who read too many magazines. Wonder Woman. People who seek therapy over the internet. People who whisper too much. Unfunny people. James Toback. People who are small minded. People who tell me their life story within 10 minutes of meeting them,

people from Texas, people who go on a Jerry Springer show and act surprised when something horrible happens, people who wear digital watches, people who keep their cell phones on all the time, people who cough and do not cover their mouths, followed by rapists. Followed by people who enjoy masturbating too, too much. The 1994 Houston Rockets.

The 1999 San Antonio Spurs. People who have too many cats. Tony Schiavone. Republicans and Democrats. Holy shit! People who read The Enquirer and The Star. Andre Pizer. People who flip out over a bug.

J. Edgar Hoover. People who put To Be Continued on my TV screen because he watches TV. People who believed in Manifest Destiny. Walt Disney. People who like me too quickly. Junior. Oh my God, that's him. Murderers.

Autograph hounds. Robin Givens. The people who cancelled the snorks. Judd Nelson. Post Best Best Club. People who sunbathe regularly. People who sell heroin. Copernicus.

Oh, suck it. Copernicus. Oh, suck it, Copernicus. Anyone who does not think Audrey Hepburn is beautiful? Christopher Columbus, James Earl Ray, and opinionated people. I'm so ironic. Wait, oh, it doesn't say that. Sorry. Junior equals old man.

A 21-year-old reflects at 25 on his life. Getting over being older. Now that I'm 21 years old and much more mature than I was yesterday, I would like to share with my younger audience a few minor details that might benefit them in their struggle to be heard. Because we all know the more mature we are the more people listen. Donkey tracks, Apple Jacks, so here we go. Yes it says that. True, the older you get the more you sweat. False, you are going to be thankful for all the things your parents did for your own good. True. The older I get the more I enjoy the taste of mushrooms. True. Buying and drinking

alcohol has virtually zero thrill once your real ID becomes your really real ID. So drink up children. True. you do not become your parents. True, you'll become so nauseatingly like them you will want to puke. True, you do not become your parents. What? False. Yeah, yeah. Come on, it's artistic. He says it twice. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to doubt you. I'm sorry. False, cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis.

False. Brussels sprouts are good for you. True. The older you get, the more people refer to you by your childhood nickname. False. Laughing at handicapped people is cool. True. The older you get, the more you laugh at dirty jokes.

False. Well, when you get older, you will have sex all the time. Well, at least some of us will. Don't look at the picture when you hear that sentence. False. When you get older, you will be able to do anything you want. True. Chicks dig a guy who knows how to shave.

So now, you young people have all the ammunition you need to succeed in the adult world. I have little use for it now. I learned how to read court papers when I was 14 years old. Grade F. See teacher after class. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not allowed to leave just yet. You're not allowed to leave just yet

because there's something that you didn't read that's not supposed to be read. You know the chapter I'm talking about. Oh, my God. There's so many. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Here we go. Okay. This is a guy who doesn't have issues with his dad, so he has at least five attempts here to write a letter to his dad. The first one is just, Letter, Dad.

Dear Dad, so... Dot, dot, dot. Second one is like, Dear Dad, what's going on? How's it hanging? How you been? Where you at? Say hello to the lady.

By the way, happy New Year. Happy belated birthday. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Happy Easter. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Hanukkah. That's great. Nice to hear.

I hope so. Just one for me, please. Thank you. Bless you. You're welcome. Well, time to get moving. Got to, just one for me please, thank you, bless you, you're welcome. Well, time to get moving, gotta stay out of the traffic, gotta go to things to be seen, defiantly. I'm a very busy man, we'll talk about that later, where'd I put my jacket? Gotta go. And then there's a letter to Britney Spears, which, you know, I'll show you the book if you really want to see it. A letter to dad, attempt three, D-E-A...

A letter to dad, attempt four. Dear dad. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Not a full page. Not a full page. A page and a half. One of the things I forgot to point out in the podcast is that all of our readers are not local. We got Texans. We got Canadians. We got Kentuckians. We got Michiganders. We got Washingtonians.

We got Oklahoma inbreds, I think they're called, if you're from Oklahoma. Oklahoma fucks. Oklahomos. And I want to thank them all. They all flew down here to, well, amuse you, but amuse themselves in the process. We're halfway done.

We got a number of great books. Fabio wrote his own romance novel. We're going to hear a little bit of that. We're also going to hear shit, who am I forgetting here? Oh, Dustin Diamond! The Dustin Diamond book is so amazing. Dustin Diamond book has to be seen to be believed.

Oh, Mr. T! Yes, Mr. T. The man behind the gold. It's not even comprehensible. So what we're going to do is we're going to have a very quick halftime break. Because frankly, I want to smoke and I don't want to miss any of these readings. So we're going to have a very quick halftime break. A little bit of music. We'll get back here and more great reading for you.

All right, so we'll be right back. This gentleman just came up to me and asked, could you please take that Macaulay Culkin picture on it? I'll look at, at like a frog or someone dying or war crimes. People being burned alive. That's the F Plus website. The newest episode

features Basil Marceau who is wonderful. Anyway, yeah, smoke break. I'm so sorry. His actual name is basilmarceau.com. 🎵 🎵 © transcript Emily Beynon