The F Plus - live3b: F Plus Live 3 | Weird Romance | Part 2

Episode Date: October 24, 2014

We got a lot of love to spread still. STOG: Becoming An Elf Mommy bumpgrrl: Konigsburg's Model Lemon: Popping It by Tim Popper Jimmyfranks: Pandora's Box by Em Furey John Toast, Bunnybread & Lemon: Law & Order Fanfic 2 by Where Did Angels Go? Jack Chick: Desire Untamed by Pamela Palmer

The next person up coming up to the stage, his name is Stuck! Number one with the ladies. Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! Lover and fireman! Number one with the ladies. Here's the only thing I know about Stog's book. Well, okay, there's two things I know about Stog's book. Shut up. The first thing I know about Stog's book is that the book is called Becoming an Elf Mommy. The other thing I know about this reading is it's being done by Stog. Stog!

Stog! Hello, everybody. I'm Peter Graves, and I'm here to read some gross pregnancy stories. Previously on Becoming an Elf, Mommy. Closer, baby, closer. I had been kidnapped.

Oh, shit. Less closer, baby, less closer. CNN wouldn't stand for your shit, Mr. Boots. I had been kidnapped by Santa, me being someone named Crystal or something. Before you leave, you will be the newest

ho-ho-ho here, said Santa Claus. Listen here, I am not into playing your fancy pink Santa Claus. I will not give birth to an elf. I demand you take me home now. Ho, ho, ho, little lady.

You act as though I am giving you a choice. You can either deliver an elf this year, or you will stay here until you do. Is Santa played by the Green Giant? I'm pretty sure that's Horny Bullwinkle. Oh, I'm sorry. My bad. Becoming an Elf Mommy. Posted by BJ Proverts on December 12, 2013.

I woke to what must have been morning. Mrs. Claus came into the room and raised her dress. She climbed on top of me and made her way to my head. She sat right on top of my mouth and told me to eat her. Well, I listened to my elder, so I pointed my tongue and shoved it right into the elder lady's pussy. Mrs. Claus screamed out as she came all over my hand. She kept coming and I traded my fingers for my tongue.

I twisted her sweet juice running all over my tongue and down my chin. She sure came a lot. I like big butts and I cannot lie. Mrs. Santa stayed next to me as Santa climbed onto the bed at my open pussy. He twitched his nose once and he lost all his clothes. But does he have a dick full of jelly? He twitched his nose a second time and I watched as his cock

grew to what had to be a foot long. Whoa! Five dollars, yeah, I believe, yeah. He twitched his nose a third time and his cock was in my pussy and out my mouth all at one time. Whoa. I couldn't believe that he

could fuck me at the same time that I could suck his enormous cock. He thrusted it mean to me over. It's a miracle. I'm Peter Graves and this is a Christmas miracle. Oh. My phone's on.

You have the same set of humor as the book. He thrusted into me over and over and over again. I don't know how long he had been thrusting into me. It was long enough that he twitched his nose quite a few more times. Each time that his cock disappeared from my mouth, he would twitch his nose again. I came at least six times before Mrs. Santa started pulling on the chains that were still attached to me. So is this... So wait, this is...

Hang on, hang on. Left turn here. This is Ghost Rider fucking the girl from Bewitched, is it not? Time went on and finally Santa double twitched his nose. I felt something warm in my mouth. Was it a dick? It was Christmas cookies, you pervert. Oh, was it Was it a dick?

Oh, was it Christmas cookies and dick? It took me a moment to realize that Santa had just shot his hot cum into me. Oh, okay. I didn't know how he was supposed to get me pregnant if the cum had made it all the way out of my pussy

and into my mouth. Is this how Jesus was born? I swallowed all of it the best I could, but when Santa comes in you, there is zero chance of swallowing that load. Santa, Santa, I know what I want for Christmas this year. I want that huge cock back inside my pussy for Christmas. I want the fuel and all that cum shooting through me again. I want you to fuck me again.

Santa grabbed his... No, I'm pretty sure this is animated by Rankin and Bass. It's really... Tell a fucking... Santa grabbed... Santa grabbed his large belly. Ho, ho, ho, you certainly are a new ho, aren't you? Oh, I get it, I get it.

Yeah, ho is a... yeah, like a prostitute. Yeah. My magic... My magic only works once and any woman will accept any normal woman that is. Mrs. Claus is the exception to that rule. I need to leave you right now. I am needed in a few other rooms over the next few days. The missus will keep an eye on you, and the elves will tend to any need you have.

Please stay locked down. My magic seed needs three days to make new elves. Don't void the warranty. When I finally woke up, Mrs. Claus asked if I was ready to get out of bed. Santa came into the room as all the questions started coming to me at once.

Will, how are you, young lady? Do not worry. The elves are all fine. You have done magically well. You are giving us eight new elves. I have never had a normal woman give so freely of her body the way you did, and still are. The missus has been the only woman

to give me more than six elves at one time. You are a very special lady indeed. May I also tell you that it was a pleasure to fuck such a sweet pussy. Oh, that's sweet. I'm never eating Keebler cookies again. You proved to be the best fuck I've ever had next to my...

You proved to be the best fuck I've ever had next to my lovely wife. It is a shame that the magic only works once. I would love to have the pussy to fuck often. Oh, if only he could fuck again. Santa helped me from the bed and led me out of the room I had been kept in since

arriving here. He gave me a tour of the home and the toy shop. I was surprised to see that there were in fact two toy shops. One was that where they made the children's toys. And the other? And the other?

The other toy shop was where they made toys for women. They were... Toy? Yeah, okay, yeah. My little ponies and my ponies. Yeah, shit at Bed Bath & Beyond, yeah. They were vibrators of all shapes and colors as well as every length you could ever want.

I watched other women all walking around in a daze. Each of them seemed like they were walking zombies. I asked Santa about why they seemed catatonic. He explained that is what happens to most women after they had been fucked by him. Santa's got me crawling the walls! I asked what made me so different. Why wasn't I semi-alive like the other women? Ho, ho, ho, Crystal.

It seems you are not such a normal woman after all. Most women I bring here to be elf mommies stay passed out for the whole two weeks they are here. Most of them also only give birth if we are lucky to two elves. You and my dear are very different, almost as much so as my lovely missus. I enjoyed my time at the closet very much. When the day arrived, when I was to give birth, I was in tears all day. I knew that it meant I would have to be taken back to my home in Florida. That makes sense.

One thing that makes sense. Yeah, this is canon now, I think. Yeah, that would be it. This works. This works. This is canon now, I think. Yeah, that would be, yeah. This works. This works.

I'm Peter Graves, and Florida's where the best bitch is at. You're a pretty bitch. I enjoyed. I didn't want to leave this magical place. I didn't want to leave without being fucked by Santa one last time. When I felt the first contraction, I screamed out in pain. Santa ran into my room. Ho, ho, ho, crystal, it is time.

Now watch very closely as I make your pain go away. That's sweet. End on that. He twitched. He twitched his nose once and the first elf appeared on the bed next to me. He twitched again and the second baby elf was lying next to the first. Twitch after twitch, each baby

was brought into this magical kingdom. Before I knew it, all eight babies were lying next to me on the bed. Santa had been right. The pain was gone. I still cried. I was heartbroken that I would now be made to leave here. Crystal, please don't cry. This is the way it must be. I can't keep every woman that has ever wanted to stay here.

If I did that, Mrs. Claus would never be mad at me. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Not really. I want to commend you for being able to handle a full week of the elves and my wife fucking you. You never passed out. You never slept. You did come more times than I have ever known any woman to do. You keep showing me that you are no normal woman.

You have made my job of keeping the elf population up so much better this year. I enjoyed having my cock inside that sweet pussy. I will miss being able to feel your pussy tightening around my cock. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Stop! able to feel your pussy tightening around my cock.

Stug! If Santa is real, how can he fuck all those women all around the world in just one night? Yeah, this is bullshit. Yeah, this doesn't make any sense. Here's the thing. I'm not, I'm a little sleep deprived, which means that tomorrow I'm really hoping to get, you know, a good 10 or 12 hours. Except for I'm going to put my head on the pillow. I'm going to drift off to sleep. Ho, ho, ho.

Santa loves fucking your pussy. Ah, ah, ah. All right. Next up to the stage, Her name is Bump Girl Listen I know you guys like fucking I know you guys like sucking I know you guys like coming

And I know you guys like Cthulhu And we're gonna hit all those holes. Bump Girl. This book is a collection. It's a collection of short stories. So if you wanted, you could download it yourselves and read all these nice little snippets. I have chosen one with a title that tells you nothing about it. It's called Konigsberg's Model.

But I'm just going to go right into it. Yay! Yay! Go right into it, you say. Yeah, get into it. Oh, that will happen later. Sex! There's a little special segment coming up.

Say sex! Rick staggered up the stairs, mashed his thumb into the doorbell, and pounded on the pebbled glass. He shivered. Oh, look, my peas are plosive boots. He shivered, looking over his shoulder while the hallway's wallpaper patterns plotted against him. The door swung open, and Rick collapsed inside, crouching on all fours on the ratty carpet. What seems to be the problem, the woman said. He looked up at her. Her hood was off, and her thick black

braids flowed down her back to her waist. Her dark eyes regarded him without cruelty, but without mercy either. What did you do to me? He moaned, as the bacterial civilizations in the carpet beneath him fought epic battles for the rich harvest of his palm sweat.

Hot. Hot. Yeah! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! rich harvest of his palm sweat. Hot. Hot. That's a plus ten to penis. Thank you very much. She responds. Expanded your perceptions. Now you know. Those things everywhere. They know.

I know. I can't handle it. I'm not ready. You are Will Shatner. Knowledge never comes just when it is needed. It is always much too early, or just a little too late. Just like a man. I'm... Ladies are doing it for themselves.

I'm sorry Just like a man He felt like he had disappointed her She sighed Some of those who learn to see beyond Cannot appreciate what they perceive They experience mere Horror Shit what they perceive. They experience mere horror.

Shit. Ah! I mean, ah. That doesn't make sense. Oh, you wanted sense, Victor? That one part doesn't make sense. Victor wants sense. Hang on here. I'm sorry, everyone.

Back it up. I have to stop here. Yeah. Oh, oh. She turned away and took a step towards the golden door. Help me. He reached for her with trembling hands. Even I can't make someone unknow.

You have to help me. They were here, in this room, peeping out from behind the molecules of the air. The things were creeping ever closer, growing large and bolder with every inch, but they shied away from her, the only thing in the world that could save him. I have to go further.

All the way. Yeah! Yogg, suck off. She stopped, and her head turned just enough so that he could see one of her eyes looking back at him. He crawled closer to her, cold sweat making his clothes cling to him. I'm yours. Whatever you want from me, I'm yours. She reached up and undid a knot in the shoulder of her garment. The soft,

supple black fabric whispered down the curves of her body until it puddled around her feet. Her braids uncoiled and cascaded down her back to her hips and grew longer by the second. Her sly eyes peeped over her shoulders at him. Her braids parted like a curtain, revealing her hourglass-shaped back. A line of clitorises ran down her spine. Makes sense, yeah. So that's where they were the whole time. I just couldn't find them.

I'm sorry. See, you were looking completely wrong. Yeah, I was looking, yeah. Yeah, you were looking at the vaginas. What are those vagina things for, anyways? Stopping. That wasn't the end of the sentence. It goes on.

Oh! More clitorises? Stopping at a pink-lipped vulva nestled in the small of her back. Outer lips merging into the swells of her high buttocks. Her braids twisted and coiled, antennae testing the air for sounds and scents. Caressing and tasting everything around her.

I'm gonna fuck that antenna. She turned around, a graceful pivot, and faced him. Two small, shapely breasts nestled underneath her other lush breasts. I'm gonna fuck them titties. That's also not the end of the sentence. Eh? I'm gonna fuck that sentence. Oh, just you wait.

With a... With a vulva in between. Damn! Also not the end of the sentence. A literalization of the visual pun of cleavage. Wanna fuck that pun?

Yeah, you do. Are they gonna make the beast with two fronts? What is going on here? Portax, everyone. Portax. Yet another vulva with dual clitorises at top and bottom took the place of her navel, flanked by the twin rows of nipples

that reached from her shoulders to her inner thighs. Picture it. Picture it. It's like the umgar covered in sex parts. Like, I don't even understand. Seams appeared in the skin of her cheekbones and forehead and opened. Small brown secondary eyes gazed back at him, blinked in a complicated pattern, then independently scanned the room. You wanted to know, she said with a voice that extended far beyond the range of normal human hearing. By all rights, this should be a grotesque freak show.

Should be, should be a grotesque freak show. Should be. Should be. Ladies and gentlemen, at least one member of our audience has a boner. But once again, that was at the end of the sentence. How many bulbous and clitorises does this sentence have? But, and this is just a normal but, like the conjunction, not the one with two Ts. But Rick made the choice to be awestruck instead, to appreciate this strange new beauty. This was something more than human.

Able to experience the world in ways no ordinary man or woman could. This was his only salvation and he had to learn to embrace it. Jesus Christ only has one bulb. Jesus Christ has no place in this book.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bunny Bread. Her spread-toed feet silent on the carpet. She walked over and knelt before him. She cupped his face in her hands, her palms as smooth and wet and pink as her vulva. Which one?

Which one? Holy shit, we got like a baker's dozen. Is there anything I can't fuck? Not in Cthulhu land. Is there a sensory organ anywhere? Her braids uncoiled reached out and wove around his body, lifting him up with inhuman strength. He knew she could annihilate him the way he would swat a fly. I have grooms. And I've read actually the whole story and that still doesn't make sense. I have grooms.

Anything, please. They're here. I saw them. See me. See me. They're coming for me. Help me. Come with me. Her braids shredded his clothing, leaving him nude and pressed against her body, denser and hotter than human flesh. His bare toes brushed the carpet as she carried him down the shelf corridors. What?

Anyway, through the golden door and into the office, she looked at him, the pupils of her largest eyes elongated into rectangles like a goat's. You're not ready, not yet, but someday, she said wistful, one day all my billions of children will be ready. She cradled him in her arms as she walked through the wall, through layer after layer of time and space

through cities where cats roamed free under protection of law in stone temples where masses of fish frog things chanted across the deserts beneath a sky of pulsating grey flashed through realms of pure shape and colour

they drew close to a polyhedron within which flickered images and sounds. Look she said to him and he did as he was bade. Yeah! Yeah! Bulbous!

Multiple bulbous! Multiple! multiple vulvas multiple vulvas multiple vulvas bump girl ladies and gentlemen bump girl how much work would it take for you to get a boner? I mean, really. Like, you don't...

Like, how many... Like, you need additional clits to get a boner? Like, I don't know... I don't know exactly how many clits you need to get a boner. But... Give me a little bit more luck. Give me a little bit more luck. Thank you, sorry. Oh, it's cool.

So my story here, my story here is I wanted to read something that had some weight to it, that had some realness to it. There's lots of Kindle books that are kind of like, they're cash-ins. They're eight, they're ten pages. This book is 160 pages. There's no reason why it shouldn't be four.

So my story is called Popping It by Tim Popper. Now, I actually looked at other balloon fetishist stories, and I wanted to find the balloon fetishist story where it was like you know I want to believe you man I want to know that you're really in this for the balloon popping and you tell me you tell me if this guy is actually a balloon

fetishist or not alright so our fuck you slap him alright Fuck you. Fuck you. Slap him. All right. So our story is about a couple. They're in their late 50s.

The protagonist, the man of the story, is very old. He works at a company that makes CD-ROMs because it's 2014. he has a relationship with his wife that's complicated. So they have some rules. The rules. There were four rules about Henry's balloon fetish.

Rule number one is balloons are not the mainstay of our sex life. They're just an occasional treat. Bonnie had simply wanted to know that without any balloons, Henry could get sexually excited by her. In all the sexual experience they had without balloons, he had been very convincing on that account. You wouldn't want the relationship to deflate? Rule number...

F plus life is over. Rule number two was no popping. Bonnie was simply, comma, scared of balloons popping. Truth was, Henry was too, but he was also ironically turned on by it. So be it.

He could pop balloons on his own. He could watch other women pop balloons on videos from YouTube. But Bonnie was not interested in popping balloons. She wished she could pop balloons for Henry because she knew how much it turned him on. But it was just too scary. This fall on Fox. Bonnie's not too, like... Rule number three was

no cheating. It's below no popping. No popping. No cheating. A good relationship thrives on having priorities. Rule number four was no outing yourself. It wasn't that Bonnie was ashamed of Henry's fetish. More words.

No, that wasn't it. That wasn't it. Come now. All right. Come now. So the story heats up with a woman that Henry meets who is less than half his age. She's like 21. She's got huge tits.

She's totally legal. She's super hot. Everyone wants to fuck her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But obviously she has a thing for Henry, because Henry wrote this. Okay, so let me tell you about her day.

While the pasta was boiling and she was cutting the tails off the shrimp, she looked at the balloons sitting on the kitchen table in her apartment. Melanie, that's our sex kitten, found it hard to believe that most people didn't notice the difference between one kind of balloon and another,

but the vast majority had any idea that there could be objects of sexual passion either. The balloons that Altman bought were Qualatix. any idea that there could be objects of sexual passion either. The balloons that Elton bought were Qual-Latix. Holy crap! Qual-Latix. The brand favored by decorators. Melanie liked them too for

decorating and popping, but for the cuddling and the intimate contact, she preferred the ones bought by the local Walmart. They were softer, especially after they had been around for a while. Melanie also loved to pop balloons, found it an intense turn-on because she also liked to keep balloons around and just play with them.

Tonight, with Alvin's balloons, she was going to be a popping night. Melanie was glad that she had a corner apartment with nothing but garages underneath her. In a small town like this, she would hate to have to explain the frequent banging noises coming from her bedroom. It would be less embarrassing to say people were

constantly getting shot in the house. She tossed the pasta with butter and garlic and added a little parsley for color. This is really doing it for me.

She added the shrimp and tossed again and then put a generous helping onto her plate. After some fresh raw broccoli onto the plate, she poured a little ranch dressing onto it. Oh!

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Five stars. I'm 30 years old now. I'm French again. We'll skip a little bit.

Melanie was in her bed completely nude on her knees. All but one of the balloons was inflated tightly and on the bed with her. The last balloon was between her lips and she was blowing steadily into it. Her chest rose as she took a deep breath and then she exhaled steadily into the balloon. This one was impossibly full with the neck protruding to her lip. She took one of the other balloons and put it between her legs. She lowered herself gently down onto it and put most of her weight onto it. She rocked back and forth gently and started to blow into the last balloon.

One last long breath, and the balloon exploded! You had four rules to follow! Oh, no. There were only four rules. She gasped, not from fear, but from the little rush that I always got from getting a good loud pop. She bounced on the balloon between her legs, enjoying the feeling of it against her vagina, but anxious to get the popping started.

The balloon wouldn't pop, even though it was tightly inflated. The bed gave off a little bit, and she couldn't. I'm spitting so much on this thing. She had moved to the edge of the bed and sat down hard on the balloon with the neck pushing between her legs. It took several hard bounces on the balloon with the neck pushing between your legs. It took several hard bounces on the balloon for it to finally pop. Baby, this never happens, I swear.

She quickly grabbed another balloon and placed it underneath her. She put her weight down on this one too, but it didn't bounce too hard on it. She wanted to stroke her to underneath her. She put her weight down on this one too, but it didn't bounce too hard on her. She wanted to stroke her to stimulate her. She never quite had an orgasm just from the touch of a balloon, but she had come so close and she just wanted to

see if she could do it tonight. Skip a little bit. She comes and then the sentence that follows her coming was she let out a long sigh. That was weird, she said. I think this is the first story to actually use the word vagina.

I mean, I haven't been keeping track, but... Well, you know. It's also the first of a hundred years. Yeah. All right. So, Henry is repeatedly visiting this Melanie. Things are heating up a little bit. Bonnie is feeling a little bit scared about their relationship, about their life.

And so Bonnie says, well, I got to get into this popping of balloons thing. It seems to be really good for you. So here is Bonnie's first try. Ooh. Cherry's not the only thing popping tonight. I like that you gave up halfway between that joke. Cherry's the only thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it.

But she surprised him by handing him a smaller balloon that he slept with that night before. Why don't you have a little fun with this, she said, and relaxed her body, putting even more weight on the big balloons. For some reason, she seemed more confident than usual that they wouldn't pop. Or maybe she just didn't care as much if they did. He couldn't decide which, and frankly, neither could she.

Henry placed the balloon between his cock and her butt and pressed rhythmically. He didn't know if it felt good to her, but it was an amazing experience for him. Ladies and gentlemen, porn.

Gentlemen, porn. Bonnie didn't think it felt too bad at all and loved how Henry reacted. She looked back at him and noticed how intently his attention was focused on her ass and how the balloon just pressed against it. She closed her eyes and decided to just feel the sensation and go where it took her. But she said softly,

save some of that for me. Don't worry, I'm in no hurry for this to be over. But he stopped pressing it against the balloon and moved it up to her back and rolled it around on her butt and the legs

while she teased her with his cock, which again, balloon in the middle of that. After a while, she said, come inside. And he obeyed, abandoning the small balloon to grasp her hips firmly with both hands thrusting deeply into her

and watching her roll into the big balloons. They're fucking now. Just be aware, a man and a woman are fucking, okay? They're in the act of sexual congress. We're familiar, right? Now let's figure out what the description's gonna be like. Okay. Thrusting deeply into her and watching her roll into the big balloons with each thrust,

she came before he did, hugging one balloon firmly. People hug balloons all the time. What are you talking about? Surprising Henry with her boldness. When Henry finished. Wow. Shit got levels on it. When Henry finished He put He came Balloons

He pushed her hard Against the balloons And held her there for as long as he could. Finally, neither his needs nor hers could take it anymore, and they both lay down, cuddling the balloons between them. Henry looked at her quizzically. She said, I figured it's Friday night. What the hell?

What the hell? Living wild. The balloons, on the other hand, just gave them some static. Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Wait, Bonnie said, uncovering her ears for a moment. If you keep that up, will it make you cum?

Good chance of it, Henry said, breathing heavily. He has just cum, but now there's balloon popping, possibly. We got the sex over with. Yeah, yeah. Now that we got that fucking foreplay. Shit's not real! Do you think you could save it for me? Absolutely, he said.

Although he wasn't absolutely sure. He mounted the other big balloon, intent on making it pop quickly. Bonnie plugged her ears again. In just a few big bounces, the balloon exploded! Good enough. It's Friday night. What the hell?

That was Lemon. Alright. A goddamn seasoned professional coming off to the stage. A man who I welcome into my house and my heart and my home and my balls. I mean, if you want to turn,

she pops balloons for me, so if you fuck her, I don't give a shit. Go right ahead. Jimmy Franks! Hello, friends. So I got a little exercise in creative writing for you. Any of you that have taken creative writing in high school or college, you know a little bit about it. You know that when you're writing,

you need to write what you know. Right? And it's important to figure out the voice, the voice of the protagonist, like the perspective of the person, the story that you're trying to tell. So I give to you for your, you know, it's called Pandora's Box. And I don't know if you can see this, but the O is over her hoo-ha.

I'm familiar with the myth. Pandora's Box, the smart girl's guide to the apocalypse from M. Fury, which I'm pretty sure is a guy who's never had sex with a myth. Pandora's Box, the smart girls guide to the apocalypse from M. Fury, which I'm pretty sure is a guy who's never had sex with a woman. But he does know a lot about strip clubs and science fiction. Is there a correlation?

Oh. It's important to note that the chapters are divided not by chapter one, chapter two, but by he's given the chapters in binary code. So chapter. Know your audience. Chapter zero, zero, zero, zero, one. It's not even eight digits.

What the fuck? It's Wednesday night and I'm on stage, and he's staring up my you-know-what to the tune of Witchy Woman. Oh, I forgot. One more thing. When you write what you know, you draw inspiration. You find your muse, and I suspect that this guy has the Eagles' greatest hits on his CD player as he was writing this, as will be evidenced later.

I should probably mention I'm a peeler, dancer in the euphemistic stripper in colloquial, and I work in a club called Pandora's Box. How many X's in box? Just one. Yeah, this guy knows restraint. The only thing left in there is nope. My stage name's Dorothy, as in Dottie, as in dot, dot, dot.

And yes, I am wearing red shoes because I'm on the rag and I feel like shit and I want to go home. Again, this guy doesn't know anything about women. But he does remember from time to time that he's writing from a woman's voice, and so he needs to punctuate it by reminding everybody that's reading it that this woman is having her period. And also she mentions shoes because, you know. Yeah, you know, shoes. Shoes, period.

That's like all there is to a woman. There's a string. Oh, that's my tampon, honey. You don't want me bleeding all over the stage now, do you? That's Cecil, a regular, thinks he's in love with me. I don't discourage him up to a point. He's some kind of under-nerd, not much on the social side, but mostly harmless. And he always tips 20s, which you usually only see from the JBT's, Japanese business types.

So, while I'm usually glad to see him, this not a... I only want inside of my covers two Advil and a glass of warm milk. Our protagonist, again, if you didn't notice, is having her period. I look like shit because I couldn't get it together with my hair this month and i finally gave up and i'm badly in need of both manny and petty but cease doesn't seem to notice in any way he's not looking so good either all stressed out sweaty like can we get a booth so uh then she spends again writing what you know because i believe this gentleman who is writing with the voice of a woman has spent a lot of time in strip clubs spends the next two pages describing a strip club before meeting with

his you know her her her uh her friend so there I am on elbows and knees ass in the air with that vertical smile flashing my own private soundtrack and dreaming of my warm bath old enamel chipped and clogged gold liquid deep and broad when cease says all feverish like i got something i want to show you chapter zero zero one zero well we're on chapter 10 already as you might imagine my initial response was along the lines of, settle down there, tiger. But Cease flashes this little shiny black thing in his sweaty little palm, jerks his head toward the black, naturally I'm thinking blow, which is pretty ubiquitous, as you can imagine, which I don't go looking for,

but if it's around, I'll turn my nose up at, both as a pun and literally. It was strange coming from Cease, being pretty mundane by nature not the type usually given to speed but it wasn't in a questioning frame of mind that night and probably wasn't even thinking straight okay sweetie just give me a second to pee there's a lot of like body fluids happening through this i didn't have to pee but i wanted a second or 300 it was pretty empty in the box which is usual for a midnight wednesday after crowd work and married guys all long gone and only the uh blah blah blah a bunch of shit happens she's just describing this fucking strip club some more this guy hands her a thing a device the little black egg at first i thought it was

some kind of compact but it wasn't flat it was an egg not actually i didn't think more like stone but not stone and heavy much heavier than you'd think it would be i'm looking for a latch or something to pop it open and get a bump when all hell breaks loose inside the club so when the door to bathroom slams open with the cops coming in i'm already taking a deep breath as i stash the thing up my own little stow hole. And that's when things really got interesting. So the cops are in the club, shit's going down. And then she hears a voice in perfect English saying, please remain calm. Go for the novel. So they hit the road. They have to get through these cops. This woman has this weird

kind of granite egg in her you know, what? Trying to avoid these kind of men in black people that have invaded the club. Somehow despite the extreme liquidity of my being a small blessing no, but somewhat distracting

I gleaned that the men I had taken to be feds Were not actually, but from a private agency Associated, but not officially Which was both a good and bad thing Good in that they weren't feds And bad in that their approach to pesky things like laws Would be much more wiggly Of course, they were there to recover the thing

The thing, a nanocarbon cog logic self-aware intelligence system, which is a fancy way of saying a new kind of molecular computer. Now I have a boner. Was sorely wanting not to be recovered. So, she gets questioned by these authorities. And, you know, she's hiding this thing in her hula. Truth is, I was all oiled up and ready, what with the thing yammering on and on, because this thing is talking to her now.

On top of all that, I just remembered what I'd forgotten, thanks to both cramp and persistent low-level headache having melted away, was the tampon that had been sitting up there all night. low-level headache having melted away was the tampon that had been sitting up there all night so that when the agent guy said there's something i cracked a pretty wide grin it was it was only when he pulled it out that his expression changed fingers all covered with blood and the nasty tampon hanging which also happened to coincide with my climax as I jammed the butt of my hand up into his jaw straight from the waist without cocking my

arm. Like my new little friend had advised me, I came loud and stomped the guy's foot, bone-breaking his, not mine, thanks to my three-inch stiletto heels. Again, just like my little friend had told me, wedged up all against my G-spot like it was,

leading me to this epiphany, what a masterpiece my vagina is. Not that I hadn't thought that plenty of times, but it was especially meaningful at that moment. Don't trust a master, please. It bleeds for six days and doesn't die. And then I heard the voice again, run. So it's like Thelma and Louise,

but it's like Thelma and egg vibrator computer in my vagina. So they're on the run. She foils a gas station robbery. Basically, she gets caught. So she gets taken in. The doctor is there to take it out of

her, this weird egg computer thing that may or may not be alien. She strangles the doctor who's supposed to get the robot egg out of her vagina. Gets away. And hits the road. She gets away with it. I felt safer now.

And more and more and more so as the miles stretched out I knew I'd eventually have to change cars. But that didn't mean we couldn't find her a good new home. Trade her in for some old beat up truck with someone who would love her Understand she'd be best kept off the road For a reasonable time Before that time I meant to enjoy every mile

As we moved through the world without leaving a footprint You know you can't stay there forever I know Oh wait, I got that backwards You know you can't stay there forever I know Whenever you're ready, baby. Until then, I suppose there are worse things

than sitting on the world's brightest gem. We drove to hum, him, me, the elder and Ziggy. Ziggy's the name of the thing in her cooch. Please make sure to get a room with a very large bath. I'll do my best. I know you will. You always do. After that, there was only sunrise. And they were fine. They did well.

Yay! All right. Freeze frame, fade to white. Jimmy Frinks! Thanks! F Plus Live. So the vibrating egg in her... Nope. So the vibrating egg in her pussy is talking to her.

Nope, not yet. Nope, nope, nope, not yet. So, uh... Here's a fun surprise Do you remember earlier Where there was that Olivia and Elliot Slash fiction

Yeah Hey shut the fuck up Hey guess what there's a part two Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy

Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy

Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy

Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy

Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Buddy Bunny Bread is coming up to the stage. He is bringing French toast with him. Bunny Bread will be playing the part of Elliot. French toast will be playing the part of Elliot? French Toast will be playing the part of Olivia. French Toast will be playing the part of Olivia. Um, L? He groans and rolls over.

Fucking five more minutes. He whines. No, really, wake up, I'm handcuffed. He whines. No, really, wake up. I'm handcuffed. The headboard. He rolls over and opens his eyes and starts laughing like crazy. Then he falls off the bed and starts laughing.

I start laughing, too? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Really, where are the keys? We got to go to work. He stops like outing a broobly. Oh. Fuck. He goes over to the side table and grabs the keys, but stops for a moment.

What are you doing? Wondering if we should call in sick and stay in bed all day, he says with a twinkle in his eye. Shit. No, he said that firmly. Fine. He unlocks the handcuffs and I rush to the bathroom to take a shower and then get dressed. Liv, we got a problem. What?

How am I going into, how am I going to go work wearing the same clothes? Say you didn't have any more. Fine. Yeah, fine. But if someone finds out, asks, what do I say? You were drunk and had a one night stand. I don't want this skinning out so soon, Elliot. Ock.

Carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot, carrot It's part of the job. Fab riots. Fab riots. Fab riots. Luckily, they all... Free fab riots. Luckily, they all blived his story about the one-night stand, and he went to his locker to change. We then spent the day working a case that kept leading to dead ends,

but we weren't giving up. We just had to file everything and give it another look in the morning and then send it off to blah, blah, blah. That's in the text. God damn it! Uh, what the hell? This is a three

apostrophe de pen that has stopped working. You think they would spring for more pens? You think that? I burst into laughter! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha. What's so funny? It's just pens.

Here, have some of mine. This isn't really about the pens, is it? I reached into my bag. I reached into my bag where I always kept some four times like this. No, I hate it when we don't get a lead and then everyone goes home and leave us to the boring stuff every day. Let's fuck.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I may have been ad-libbing. Wait. He skipped two lines. No. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Shut the fuck down. I mean, I know. Yeah. I sighed. I'm sorry. Shut the fuck down! I mean, I know.

I sighed. Then I looked at him closely. He was sad and angry. His moissals flexed, his eyes glimmering, and his twi loosened from being agitated. God, he was hot when he was like this. He caught me staring. There you go. Yep. He caught me staring. There you go.

Yep. He caught me staring. Lifted his eyebrow. I leaned in and kissed him softly. He kissed me back slowly and carefully like if he messed up, I'd pull away. I leaned into him and felt his heart rate pounding like crazy. I pulled away and stood up and he looked into me with sad eyes. But also gave me a puzzled look.

I threw the papers and flies off the desk in one swift motion. Elliot? Olivia? What the fuck? He glared at me. Clearly pissed off. I grabbed his twi and pulled him and kissed him dwipely, pushed him down onto the desk,

and just about ripped off his pants. Um, Liv? I shut him down with a kiss and undid his twi. This is a hard word every time. And shirt so. He was left only in his boxers. I undressed him slowly as to tease him, leaving only my high heels on. Wait, what were you saying?

As I got on top of him. I don't remember. As i got on top of him i don't remember as i got on top of him as i got on top of him yeah all right there we go now then actors i reached down his boxers and started giving him a hand job he started to he started to mo, so I took off his boxers and saw his huge erection that had been feeling. I was so wet. I cleamed on top of him and slowly lowered my slef onto his penis

and almost balls deep, and I rode him like a racehorse. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh. He was close to coming. Not yet, not until I get mine. Please, I can't let... Oh, God! You better.

I slightly started to pull him out of me, and then he slammed back down. Harder. He did so. Your cell phones have cameras. He did so. His truths matched mine. Come with me, Elle.

And he did. I saw, I thought stars. After we were done, we picked up the paperwork and started working again on a Daffy Rance desk, and we content, I giggled. What? That was Finn's desk we had sex on.

We burst out laughing to be continued. Oh, shit! Oh, my God. Coming up next to the stage, a very fancy man with a very fancy hat. His name is Jack Chick. I'm sorry. I'm unable to actually read unless I have my foot up on something. So hello, motherfuckers. How are you all tonight?

Hello. Excellent. So I know you've heard a lot of fucking weird-ass shit tonight, so we're going to bring it back a little bit. We're going to get to something a little more normal, all right? This book is called Desire Untamed. It's by Patricia Palmer, and she is amazing. You are going to be stunned by the quality that you're about to hear.

So let's just jump into it, okay? So now, the basic—excuse me, I'm sorry. All right, so the basic premise of the novel, right, is that there's this girl named Kara McAllister, and she's from Missouri, right? And she is a regular preschool teacher, except she turns out to be an immortal, right? And she's actually part of this race called the Ferales,

and this sexy dude named Lion goes and picks her up, and he has amber eyes and really big pecs, and it's described a lot. Yeah, pretty much, right? And so it's pretty standard boilerplate shit, right? So he goes to Missouri to go pick her up, right? And so then she gets attacked by ghost demons, and then she gets all fucked up because of that.

And so anyway, so then he heals her for a little bit. So we're going to read a little bit of that. We're going to just start from there, right? So she's been wounded, and Lion, the feral who saved her, is going to heal her here, all right? She looked at him in disbelief. Kissing is not going to make it feel better. No matter how much her preschoolers believed otherwise, his words seemed to amuse

him. I heal through my tongue. You are? Ellipsis question mark. She gasped as her aching thumb slid into a cocoon of warm silk.

into a cocoon of warm silk. His velvet tongue stroked her skin, stealing the pain, sending shivers of heat flowing into her blood. Her eyes widened as she felt her body begin to melt. Her breath quickened with a desire that shouldn't be there, a desire she didn't want. She watched with her with sharp eyes as she relaxed her thumb and he took each finger into his mouth, one by one healing the flesh, easing the hurt and snaring her in a web of restless need. Her fingers healed. He pulled back her hand to his mouth and stroked his warm

tongue over the cuts until his only pain remaining was from the raw terrors on her palm. So then some other shit happens. He takes her to this place called Feral House, which is in the DC area, basically hosted by Isfahan, in case you were wondering. But anyways, so Feral House is host to a whole bunch of extremely beautiful men who all have gigantic pecs and I don't really know any of the other descriptions except one of them is named Viper and he's a sexy

pirate. So like the American Gladiators. So the names of all of the dudes, right? We got Lion, we got Viper, we got Fox, we got Jag, Nitro, we got Hawk, we got viper, we got fox, we got jag, we got hawk, we got motherfucking wolf, we got panther.

Panther! Yeah! Baguar? That's just how it goes. But anyways, so it turns out that she's actually an immortal. She's not really human, right? And so she is actually the conduit to provide all of them with the power that they need to shapeshift into furries

and go and defend the world from Satan, who has actually imprisoned the blade, which the furries hold. But the furries are the only ones who can release him from being enslaved in the blade. But so then there's this other mortal race called the mage and they're trying, they're trying to, yeah, you didn't have to read it motherfucker. Anyways. So there,

so, so, so they're trying to fight the feral's for the blade because you know, they aren't actually able to release Satan from the blade. So there's, there's, there's nothing that gets me off more than... So anyways, so in order for her to become the Radiant,

which is in fact like the conduit for all of the magical powers from the Earth... Jack, are you reading the Simirelian? Hey, I love pornography cliff notes. Could I get more? Why, yes. Yes, I am. Yeah, you would. All right, I think you just killed Bozarth.

Anyways, so in order to become the Radiant, she has to be ascended, which means she needs to go through the pairing. And the pairing is basically where she is selected to be ascended, which means she needs to go through the pairing, and the pairing is basically where she is selected to have a mate, right? So this is Lion prepping her for the pairing

when she doesn't know that this is in order for her to have a mate. F plus live three. Terrible things described with enthusiasm. Oh, I'm not enthusiastic. His hand drifted to the back of her other knee. It took years to perfect the ability, but it works. Some of the others do the same.

Wolf can't change his form, so he stays out of the city to hunt. He released her knee and rose. Put the towel around you again. His words were sharp, almost harsh. But she knew that she was struggling as much as she was. He had no illusions that she was pretty enough to drive a man mad with lust when she was clothed. But a man with his hands on her, on any naked woman, was going to want her. That was just the way men were.

And this one, shapeshifter or not, was all male. So then some other shit happens and nobody cares. The moment her lips touched hers, desire exploded, sending her world tilting on its axis. She grabbed him to

steady herself, holding onto her as he held her. His mouth claimed hers in a kiss that was intense and dearly controlled as the passion that flared between them. His mouth opened over hers. His tongue swept inside, strong and fierce, as if laying claim. She welcomed her, sliding her tongue against his,

the gloriously masculine taste of him transporting her out of herself and into a lush, erotic jungle. So then that goes on for a page, and now we're just going to continue a little bit later. on for a page and now we're just going to continue a little bit later. His tongue stroked hers once, twice, more before the pressure deep inside her crested and broke. Her orgasm ripping

through her in furious, glorious spasms. He pushed through the hand at the back lower, grabbing her rear and pressing her hips against the thick ridge in his pants. And still he kissed her.

Still his tongue rode hers, sending her scattered passion into a whirlwind of a spiral, shattering her a second time. That's right. Two orgasms, one paragraph, motherfuckers. So then some other shit, and he's basically oiling her up, right? And so then he other shit and she's he's basically oiling her up right and so then he then says he pulled back releasing her to stand on her own as she picked up the oil jar and dribbled a few drops into his palm then knelt before her because to open you to life heured, and then slid his oiled finger beneath the towel and between her legs.

I must oil the gates of your womb! Yes! Yes! Yeah! Spread your legs, Kara! All right. Show of hands real quick. Who wants rape?

Rape. Stop right now! Stop right now! Done. Hands on the floor! No more words! I apologize to the organizers of F Plus Live. But not really very hard.

Okay. So anyways, it's time for some rape, right? No. No. No. No. Okay. Fine. There's more gross to go with so we'll we'll just skip ahead then that's terrible that's terrible too so you know anyways we'll skip ahead here it's all terrible in fact there's no parts of this that is

good I hate this fucking lady and I I wish she died in a fucking fire. He squeezed his eyes closed against the burn of moisture reveling in the rising strength of her life's energy. Feeling the constriction around his heart ease with every tiny gasp that left her throat. When her fingers fisted in his hair. Yeah, it is. And her body ached and trembled gently against his mouth.

His breast purred with satisfaction, and a drop of moisture leaked from his eye. Tighe whispered behind him, Oh yeah, all the characters are named after fucking animals. Damn, Roar, I wish you'd teach me that trick. He wiped his cheek on his chin and a bare shoulder as he lowered Kara onto his lap and cradled her precious body against him. Kara reached for him, curling his arms around her neck and melted against him, melting her heart.

I'll take it from here, warrior. As Maria said, I'll get her cleaned up and into bed. And then some more shit happens and a shaman tells her that the only way to clear all the magic out of her is for full penetrative sex because, you know, that's how magic works.

And, um... Friendship is magic! So anyways, we're gonna that's how magic works. And, um... Friendship is magic! So anyways, we're gonna get to some gross fucking. Lion covered Kara's sweet mouth in a deep, drugging kiss while his fingers swept into the softness of her breast. She shifted on his lap, swinging her leg around until she straddled him,

exploding his senses. Goddess, he wanted this. Wanted her. Today. Tomorrow. Every day for the rest of his life. him exploding his senses goddess he wanted this wanted her today tomorrow every day for the rest of his life passion erupted as she shoved his tongue into her warm welcoming mouth desperate to get inside her as their tongues slid against each one another creating a sensuous friction Kara moaned and ground her hips against his growing erection her passion rising with one

hand cup where he cradled her head and the other kick up his butt expressing her heart against him when she shattered on a low cry and clung to him he held her and keeping her pressed tight as his priests gave a rumble of hot satisfaction i hate sex USA! USA! USA! So, wombs, right? Wombs. Hey! Hey! Boots, rain gear.

Yes, lemon. The word womb, what do you think? Like, of the sort of pussy words, like, is womb the top? If you were to put womb up against snatch or gash, where's womb in there? Just below axe wound. All right.

We're going to have one more very quick F-plus break because I want to smoke again. And we've got some fucking all-stars coming up to the stage. Boots Reingeer, Kump Quatsop, Adam Bozarth, they're all coming up to the stage. And also, there might be one more script. So this break will be very, very brief, but it definitely is long enough to get yourself a drink. Please do that.

I'm going to go smoke, and you can talk to me if you like. I'm friendly sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. All right, here we go. F Plus Live!