The F Plus - live4c: F Plus Live 4 | Part Three

Episode Date: October 25, 2015

Part Three of F Plus Live 4 is brought to you by Wow, That's Almost The 90's Part Three Contains Bunnybread: about four minutes of ad copy (audio only) Adam Bozarth: Masturbate Night In America and A Girl (video only) Boots Raingear: The Defenestration of Cornelius Fudge by Qoheleth Lemon Butter Me Up by Pandanarchy Kumquatxop Harry Potter and the Horcrux of the Future by selenepotter Chris Collision & STOG: The Sky Is Falling! by E. B. McMillan

Hey, do you love the 90s? Do you love all the 90s musical hits performed by their original artists? Well, tough shit! Because what we've got right here is, wow, that's almost the 90s! We've got the finest 90s cover bands doing their own renditions of your favorite songs. Bands like Husker D't, The Spun Doctors, another fucking Chris Cornell project, Dayglo Day-Lewis,

Ace of Freebase, Three Doors Blind, The John Spencer Cover Explosion, Eve 7, The Asshole Surfers, This Ain't The 90s XXX, Four Non-Whites, Smashing Pearl Garden and Chains, Gwen Stefani's Purses, The Nerve Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe

The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe The Nerd Pipe Kathleen Turner Overdrive, Knock and Boots, The Blair Skitch Project, REO Lag Wagon, Preserving Pumpkins, Candlebox 5000,

Snow Informer, Look us up on Excite.com, The Geo Citizens, Camper Van Air Bud, Golden Receiver, On Par with Ezra, Let's Listen to Kitty, It's called Industrial Dad. Three Pog Night. MTV with music.

Our Lady Beavis. Legend of the Hidden Temple Pilots. Fuck 242. Before the Millennium. Shannon's Hooch. Counting the Crow. Taco Bell Dogs Modern Life. Turgeon Biscuit.

Hey, remember the Rembrandts? You know, the band that sang the theme to Friends? No? Okay, that's cool. See ya. Mighty Morphin' Boss Toes, Collective Soul Asylum, Butthole Son,

Napster Bad, Clarissa Explains It All For One, Chub Thumping, Hooba Skank, Inventory and Crows, Darius and the Ruckers, Hey Man, Nice Tool, Janine and the Garofalos, Cherry Popory and Crows, Darius and the Ruckers, Hey Man Nice Tool, Janine and the Garofalos, Cherry Poppin' Grandpas, Batman's Nipples, 10,000 Baja Maniacs, Chris Crossdresser,

Jane's Rehab, Woo Ha, I Got Us All in Debt, Dre Daylight Savings, Whoop, Now It's Past, savings who now it's past dinosaur the third jewels poetry type a positive the spice cougars british suge knights nine inch nirvana 56k and the modems color me dead michael jordan's playing baseball yes diggity slap your bracelets and say rad tot Totino's and the Rolls. Squirrel butt snippers. Another five or so weigh-ins. My life with the Kelly Kapowski cult. Teenage fan club ninja turtles. In living hypercolor.

Atari 30-something riot. White zombie cat joke. Losing my atheism. KMFDM Dawn. Vanilli ice. Salty Ray, Smash Putt, Toe Jam and Pearl, Negligible Planets, CRT Music

Factory, 3 Unlimited, Subculture Beat, Cisco's Career, Dave Matthews Cover Band, Goo Goo Real Dolls, The Fresh Prints of Saved by the Bel Air, GoldenE Eye Multiplayer Pudgy Puppy

Meat Puppets Manifesto Veruca Salted Caramel Stumbling Westward 90s by Nature Alanis Morrissey Sixpence Makes Us Richer Wings, the TV Show Arrested Development

The Hip Hop Roof Ugly Kid Crow Soundtrack Craig T and the Nelsons, 2 Live Motley Crue, Ice Cube doing that one face, The Lip Dip Shit, DJ Massive Attack Jeff and the Freshmaker Prince, Everything But The Spice Girl, Bel Air Biv Delight, U2 Tang Clan, Tony Tony Tone Loke, Boys Demand Children, Space Hoggy Hog, Faith No Morissette, Y2KLF Is Gonna Rock Ya, Biz Marquee Mark, C&C Penniston Factory, EMFDM, Boy Meets Waynes World, and The Urkel Jerks. There's all that and more on Wow! That's Almost the 90s. Available only on CD and cassette tape. Just dial 1-800-WHAT-THE-FUCK-IS-WRONG

with you right now. We are not at the end. We are not at the end. Are you still enjoying yourselves, Minneapolis? I want to bring you more. We've got... There is more. There is more. Do not fucking doubt me on this, Chris Collision.

There are three more readers, and the first one's name is Boot Rain Gear. Hello, Minneapolis. I stand amongst the fan fiction killing fields. Yeah, you do. All right, so when Lemon announced what our topic was going to be this year, I thought, oh, that's easy. All I have to do is find some Margaret Thatcher fan fiction.

Preferably one where she's paired with somebody from Harry Potter. So I did hot so it's Margaret Thatcher and Cornelius Fudge romance fiction but and I thought Cornelius Fudge is a funny way of spelling Severus Snape or whatever Nate, but whatever. Expelliarmus my semen. Nice. But here's the problem. It sucked. It sucked. And there was other Margaret Thatcher fan fiction. Some of it was the Margaret Thatcher from down south who's a completely different person. Do south. So I was just like, you know, I'm not going to find the fiction I want to read. The Margaret Thatcher

Severus Snape romance fiction. Well, I figured, yeah, I should probably just make my own, but I don't know how. Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did. So I contacted my friend Montreth.

So you did do what I think you did. And she recommended me to a website, I don't know if any of you have heard of it before, where you learn how to do things. Yahoo Answers? Wikipedia! No, it's Wikihow. Wikihow!

No! Wikihow! Wikihow! Wikihow! Wikihow! Wikihow! Never before in the history of humanity, and never again in the history of humanity, WikiHow! WikiHow! WikiHow! Never before in the history of humanity, and never again in the history of humanity, will people be that excited about WikiHow. All in one room.

So if you want to get into the fan fiction writing, because I know you're all excited about it, so much wonderful works of art lies in debris on the stage here. Great. I'm going to get you through a couple of articles that will help you get to where you want to be. So I'm starting with one titled How to Write and Survive in the Fan Fiction World. Fan fiction is a story that fans write about the characters from books, movies, TV shows, etc. that they like. Believe it or not, the fan fiction world is incredibly harsh. Here, we'll show how to write and survive in the fan fiction world. Part 1 of 2, Writing Fan Fiction. Step one, get your ideas straight.

If you write a short story and feel that it's good enough to go into the fan fiction world, you are greatly mistaken. Fact. When you write, you should add expressions in your paragraphs. If you just write, I fell down the stairs, she, he said, people will get aggravated at how you didn't add

anything else. Try, I fell down the stairs, he slash she wailed as they clutched insert body part here. Ugh. No. Step two. body part here. Ugh! No! Whoa! Madeline! Yes! My name is Elmore Leonard and I am fucking

shooting you! Step 2. Be open-minded. In the fanfiction world, there are a lot of things such as incest, sex, rape, violence, etc. Yes, there is. If you're close-minded, this isn't the place for you to be writing your stories. F.E.V.V.E. Uh, step 3? Short chapters usually don't catch the reader's eyes. for you to be writing your stories. Step three, short chapters usually don't catch the reader's eyes.

Fan fictions that are 200 to 300 words usually don't get noticed. When you write a chapter, try writing about 699 to 1500 words instead. Update. Please do not, in fact, do that. Do not do that at all.

Use cliffhangers to captivate your reader And try to get them to continue reading your story And then part two Surviving the harshness of the writing world Step one You open your email And see a review You get excited and open it But see that it's a horrible cruel review

There are two things Guilty You get excited and open it, but see that it's a horrible, cruel review. There are two things that you can do to survive harsh reviews. And I guess the first thing is step two. Choose to moderate your reviews. Have them submitted to you before they're put on the internet for others to see. That's nice. And number three, get over it. If you can't handle the reviews,

don't write stories. Fan fiction is harsher than people think. You should be able to handle what people say to you before you start writing. So now that you know... Scene change. Click. Oh, there was an important thing about that. One of the related articles to that was how to get your boss to like you. Number one,

keep your emails between 699 and 1500 words. So now that you're over your fear of writing your Severus Snape and Margaret Thatcher fanfiction, how do you write a believable pregnancy fiction? Because, you know, you want Margaret Thatcher to get pregnant with Severus Snape's baby, but you need to know how to make it believable.

So many people enjoy writing fanfiction about their favorite characters getting pregnant, and many fail in the most epic proportions. Here's how to write a believable pregnancy fan fiction. Step one, choose which characters get pregnant and who the father is. It's a good idea to make a list of all possible pairings that could result in pregnancy before you pick ones you're going to use. Everyone! Make sure the two characters are compatible mates

and not just two characters that you think have cute children. If your chosen fandom lacks compatible males or females, you may need to add an original character. It's certainly okay for more than one character to get pregnant. Perhaps pregnancy tests were mixed up and some girls think they're pregnant when they're actually not. And the girls who are actually pregnant are wondering what's happening. Or maybe one girl's faking because she wants her boyfriend to not dump her. It's upsetting, but it's believable, right? Step two.

Think about how the pregnancy will affect the character's lives. How will the mother feel when she finds out? How will the father feel? Does she even know who the father is? Will being pregnant keep her from doing her job? How will this affect the lives of others? You may want to make a chart of all possible effects of the pregnancy. Yeah, and then

step three, decide how the baby will be conceived. In many fan fictions, the girl wakes up one day and suddenly she's pregnant. Any fan fiction written like this makes it sound like the author

never passed health class. It happened to my girlfriend. Really? Congratulations? If you haven't studied this in health class, you probably are too young to write one of these. That's not true. Oh wait, no,

that is true. So here's an important thing here. There are basically four ways for your character to get pregnant. So number one, she's in a committed relationship and they've been trying for a while. If this is your first fan fiction, start with this one, because it's the easiest.

Second option, she had a one night stand, and or her birth control failed. So that's half of her options. Number three, and this one just comes up so much. She has a disease or condition that caused her to have low fertility rate and didn't see birth control as being necessary. And there's a parenthetical here. Do not give a canon character a condition like this if she does not can only have one. And also this is a canon character is a character that is a very large gun.

And number four is she was... Step four. Decide how your character finds out she's pregnant. Does she take a pregnancy test? Does her doctor tell her? Doss she miss her period? Is she wounded in battle and the medics find out while using their equipment to check her wounds?

What? What do you mean, what? No, no, no. The word you were looking for was gross. Oh, uh, I'm gonna skip to step six. This is an important one when you're writing any sort of fiction. Decide what the offspring will look like and what their powers will be. All the children's physical features should run in the family of at least one parent. Their powers should also be inherited.

It might be easier to draw the children or refer to your drawings when describing them. And I have some tips and warnings. Tips? Both parents should not be original characters. Sensible. Sensible. Done and done. Fan fiction. Fan fiction. Okay.

Here's an important tip. Avoid male pregnancies at all costs. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shh, shh, shh, shh. I'm not done. I am not finished. Avoid male pregnancies at all costs unless there is some odd reason for it. I have some thoughts on that.

Do not destroy cannon, You know, that canon. Do not destroy canon so two characters you like can have a kid together. Throw it all away! Do something else. And the children that are the outcome of a pregnancy fix should not have some type of special power that at least one parent didn't have, nor should there be any type of chosen one, especially if the mother or father is an original character. Have you read Harry Potter? What? Yeah, I've read Harry Potter. Severus Snape is hunky and likes to have sex with men.

That's a pretty good reading of Harry Potter. And I have some warnings. Yeah. Do not have the character suddenly skinny and then ready to do whatever is needed right after she gives birth. This is unrealistic. Unlike the rest of it. Do not use WebMD for research.

Keep it locked on WikiHow, kids. Do not make the father someone you would like to have children with. would like to have children with. And also, do not have hybrid children in stories about fandoms where hybrids would probably not exist. Like Pokemon. I need more on that. Yeah, what? I don't understand.

I don't know. That's all it says. I can't elaborate on that. We're going home. We're going home. You have to find the 500 or so editors that put together that article. So what you're saying is you were unable to find an article that was how to ensure that you don't have hybrids in non-canon Pokemon fucking fanfic? Well, you can fucking find that.

I don't care. Yeah, that was awesome. This was terrific. Jack shit. Somebody just got a sarcastic high five. Well, you can fucking find that. I don't care. Somebody just got a sarcastic high five. All right. You guys want some more fucking Wikihow articles? Yeah! All right.

I got to go quickly through a couple of these. This one's How to Make Your Own Fantasy Worlds. I got to go right and... There's two steps. And the second step is think up a name for your world. Yeah! You can change it later if you like, but it's good to start somewhere. One way to do it is use your own name as a basis. For example, Lilithopia has a nice sound to it.

Especially if it's a pretty world filled with flowers. Zactopia? Maybe not so much. But if you drop the topia bit and call that Zach Chan or even Zach, you might have a good start. You could just say some random cool sounding thing like Caillou, Mikvar, maybe even a play on words. Guess what Catacloyappa would be like? That was a play on words. Guess what katakloyapa would be like. That was a play on words, apparently.

Having the clap? Yeah, it's having the clap. Names of cities and foreign countries can be used as well. For example, Revenik or Turan from Albania. I said it. All right. I've got one that's called How to Overcome a Disturbing Fan Fiction, and that's the funniest part of that.

So Montreth helped me out with this. And Montreth is the best. She needs a round of applause. Those of you who don't know, she's our friend from Finland. And she puts her brain through the most terrible horrors for us. But she also has a tendency of going off on tangents. So I said to her, I was thinking

of doing Wikihow for F Plus Live. And she said, oh, I can help you with that. And she sent me like 20 articles. And then she said, well, TV Tropes has a bunch of guides on fan fiction. And I said, well, that's cool, but wikiHow is sort of my gimmick. And she's like, no, no, no. Here. And she sent me like a billion TV Tropes articles that are probably going to show up in some episode

of horrors. But I've got my favorite sentence from all these links that I read. Just one sentence? Yeah. It's from the article, So You Want to Write a Badass.

And this is a tip for understanding what a badass is. Look around at the next LARP you attend. Nope. Nope. Nope. The guy issuing the orders is probably not a real badass. The guy who he issues them to, who just nods his head and goes away,

is a badass. Especially if it results in a half dozen casualties. Words to live by. All that fanfic. My friend, Boots Rengar! This fucking shit alright oh

I love this microphone I love this stage I love you people I love you people and if Kumquat weren't here I would close the night but Kumquat is here and so at this moment I am going to bring you a story that is erotic pairing between two people.

Yeah, you're right, Travis. This is an erotic pairing between two people that is going to get you both hard and wet. Don't think about it. You're both hard and wet. Yes. I've got two characters for you. One character is celebrity chef Paula Deen. I'm just going to give you one spoiler, which is at one point in the story, I am going to tell you, now it gets weirder.

Okay, here we go. Gordon Ramsay slammed his fist down on the benchtop, causing the silverware to jump out of line. A vein was visible in his forehead, pulsating in time with his rabid, aggravating, grieving, breathing, and threatening to burst at any given moment. His scowl was deeper than the Mariana's trench. As he regarded to dish being prepared in front of him,

his expert eyes instantly picking out the slightest details that probably no one else would be bothered by. Paula Dean, he roared. I'm not doing it in a Scottish accent for obvious reasons. His excessively loud booming voice throughout the kitchen and bounced off the tile walls in a menacing echo. What the fuck is this? It was obviously a strain for him to keep his voice from breaking. On that last word, his whole body was tense with anger. His shoulders hunched and his jaw clenched dangerously. Paula, understandably flustered, looked from her dish to Gordon and back again,

her hands shaking slightly. She tried to remain calm, keeping her tone as flat as possible. Now listen here. That was her first mistake. Gordon Ramsay was not a man who appreciated being talked down to. With a reaction like a whip cracking, Chef Ramsay's hand sniped across the bench, sending the mixing bowl in front of Paula, hurtling into the wall several meters away.

Glass shards sprayed in every direction. Paula's eyes filled with tears as the golden liquid she worked so hard to prepare dripped down the wall in winding tendrils. How many times do I have to tell you?

Gordon continued, interrupting Paula's warning. You can't create a dish entirely out of butter, you fat fuck! Fuck you, Groobie! Fuck you, Groobie! He was positively livid. This was the third dish Paula had ruined and had half a mind to throw it out the kitchen. But Paula Deen was just as stubborn as he was and stood her ground, refusing to budge.

Raising her voice to match his, she argued in response, I never met a southerner that didn't enjoy his butter. You can't tell me you turned down a nice woman covered ahead that's so in melted butter? From under the bench, Paula produced another metal bowl filled with melted butter, something she always tried to keep handy. Staring at Gordon, who is speechless at this point, right in the eye, she licked her lips and proceeded to pour the warm, sticky liquid all over herself. Golden waves crashed over her platinum hair, flowed down her plump face, stained the front of her button-up shirt. It was like a disturbing parody of a shampoo advertisement.

It's kind of like that. So, Paula Deen was out of control, and Gordon Ramsay never met a woman like this in his life. control and Gordon Ramsay never met a woman like this in his life. Something about the way the greasy butter clung to her curves really got the blood flowing in his nether regions. He deftly untied his apron and planted his hands on Paula's waist. Pulling Paula into a rough embrace, Gordon frantically and ungraciously slammed his lips against hers, ungraciously slammed his lips against hers, desperate to taste those salty tears mixed with butter. His tongue lapped at her cheeks while she giggled in her annoying accent.

Eventually, she managed to free his raging penis and, using butter as a lubricant, and using butter as a lubricant, she began to stroke his member, none too gently. The woman could whisk like a sorceress, so let's just say she knew how to whip a man's cream. Rocking his hips to match her strokes, the thought briefly passed through Gordon's mind that there were cameras surrounding him.

They were supposed to be filming a new cooking show where they just shared tips and secrets with each other, but instead, Paula was just playing with his tip. That's gross. He didn't have much time to worry about the sex tape leaking on the internet because damn, that warm batter felt good on his pulsating cock. Paula could sense Gordon was close, so she began to jerk him more violently. She wanted to be in control of his climax as her own way of dominating the kitchen

as he came gloriously a steady fountain of... Dick milk! She timed 100% dick milk. She timed her merchant movements perfectly and saved all the semen in a bowl. It takes a special kind of woman to A. stand up to Gordon Ramsay's verbal violence,

and B. jerk him off. But Paula Deen had managed to do both! Gordon watched Paula's work, entranced by her movements and the way her shirt stretched around her plump stomach as she leant over the bench to reach for the container of the castor sugar. He sat perched on a wobbly stool, unfamiliar with the domestic surroundings. His elbows polished the benchtop and his chin rested in his hands. His watery eyes never wavering from Paula. His hands were a blur of precision as she combined her dry ingredients in her favorite mixing bowl. Yeah, precision. That's what I think of Paula Deen. Her brow was deeply furrowed in concentration

as she tried to remember the exact method her great-grandmother had passing down for generations. For the first time in his life, Gordon was able to sit in the kitchen without yelling. And it was all thanks to the soothing effects of Paula, or, more specifically, her hand job. yelling and it was all thanks to the soothing effects or of Paula or more specifically her hand job but regardless the atmosphere in the kitchen was surprisingly pleasant the stove was giving off a warm orange glow heating up the room as it baked the over glazed road roast chicken sticky and succulent

it peered out of Gordon and Paula through the grease-smeared glass of the oven door, almost as if it was spying on him. Almost as if there were a fiber-optic cable that had been secretly installed in the little chicken bum hole while nobody was watching. And

here is where it gets weird. Gordon, dear, I need your help with dessert. Paula sung out, her nasally voice grating to the ears. Gordon visibly winced. She insisted on calling him that, even though he repeatedly asked her not to. women just didn't get it she was really starting to get on his nerves still he gave the kitchen goddesses full and undivided attention scooting around to the other side of the bench to meet her

needs because he knew what needs she needed met immediately without consideration of her surroundings Paula's hands flew to Gordon's crotch like a hungry pig diving into a trough full of pig slop. She licked her lips with greedy anticipation and her beady eyes gleamed as she took his limp dick in his hand, in her hand I guess, that was probably meant. Okay, a hint of silver gleamed at the tip of his cock catching her off guard. She frowned and peered a little closer. It was a dick piercing? Yes, there was no mistaking it. Red, swollen, and inflamed, it was a fresh Prince Albert piercing.

She was amazed, bewildered even, that Gordon hadn't told her he had done it. It wasn't as if she'd never find out. A small smile curved around the edges of her thin, cracked lips as a dark thought danced through Paula's head. Gordon, now totally tame and blissfully ignorant, you do not know where this goes. Continuing to stand there with his hands in his pockets, waiting for the blowjob that had just been derailed, Paula had a new plan. She winked at him sensuously, her long, false eyelashes tickling her makeup cake cheek, and she turned away momentarily to rummage in her cupboards. As she bent down, however, Gordon unexpectedly tried to mount her,

clearly misunderstanding the situation. She let out a mighty shriek, and he shrieked in response, and suddenly the kitchen timer was ringing, and the kitchen was enveloped in the crescendo of screaming and buzzing for a good four and a half minutes, recomposing themselves and regaining their professionalism. Gordon and Paula collaboratively finished their final touches to

the main course, but Paula still needed to finish the dessert. Now they were running out of time, this time making sure Gordon could control himself. Paula produced from the cupboard a small gas bottle with a flexible hose attached to it. She grinned, exposing her needle-like fangs. Gordon was a little apprehensive and needed to be encouraged to step closer, but he gave in eventually. Connecting the nozzle of the hose to Gordon's dick piercing was the easiest part told him the hard part the part she always struggled with was lighting a match she sparked the flame up and held it to the tip of Gordon's member.

As soon as the match neared the steady stream of gas, a tongue of fire screeched across the kitchen. Paula cackled with glee, commenting under her breath repeatedly how awesome this was, and she'd sure proven them wrong. I don't know. Gordon was shaking his head slowly, feeling the muscles knot in his stomach. His throat felt dry and his chest felt extremely heavy.

For one thing, he couldn't believe he'd agreed to do this. And for another thing, he really needed to yell. The fact that he hadn't yelled at anyone all day was building up inside of him, threatening to tear him apart from the inside out. That's what he's thinking about right now. While he watched Paula bring the small round bowls to his crotch, he finally realized what he was doing. Carefully, she held the dishes to the flame,

tossing the tops of what appeared to be creme brulee. A smile touched Gordon's mouth, and he felt immensely proud, excited to such a fine dessert. Her hands hovering so close to his penis made his thoughts run a little too wild, though. Scott twitched slightly, and the flame veered off to one side. Suddenly out of control, Paula screeched and jerked backwards, narrowly avoiding being burnt by Gordon's fire-breathing ding-dong. The bowl she was holding was not so likey. Her grip failed on the bowl, was flying out of her talent hand,

shattering on the floor and oozing melted butter across the tiles. That was the final straw. Gordon drew in a deep breath and gripped his love stick firmly in both hands. How could you ruin a perfectly good dish, you ultimate ninny? He yelled violently, his voice turning hoarse. He aimed his still-blazing crotch in Paula's direction and continued to yell, I was looking forward to blowjobs and creme brulee, and now you've taken both of those things away from me! Paula Doe forwards into a roll, tucking her head to her knees and landing safely out of harm's way. She snarled, banging her fangs and brandishing her manicured nails. She hissed at Gordon. Last time things had gone so well and he'd even been lulled into a false sense of security.

She thought that this time would work without complications, but she supposed life just wasn't that easy. He was quickly becoming independent again. And that wasn't a good thing. Meanwhile, the cameras were still rolling. The chicken butt camera had achieved a nice panty shot of Paula. I didn't hit that sentence hard enough.

Here we go. Meanwhile, the cameras were still rolling. The chicken butt camera had achieved a nice panty shot of Paula. And the producers couldn't ask for television any better than this! Oh shit, sorry. None of you had food, right? If any of you had creme brulee, then you're not at Grumpy's right now. Give it up one more time for Lemon!

Still taking it. All right. Last guy up to the stage. There's a very good reason why I wanted to close this night. On come Quatsa! I have no fucking idea what this guy's gonna do, but here we go! Alright. After

several months of hunting down and eliminating horcruxes, Yeah! Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger got a private room at the leaky cow drawn to discuss strategy. Our raid on the Riddle House has yielded a gold mine of information, gushed Hermione. She still kept her head shaved in an effort to keep Ron from temptation. Now that Nagini is dead, the only horcruxes left are Voldemort himself

and one other. Have you had any luck finding it, asked Harry? That's what I've been trying to tell you, explained Hermione. In his papers, I've not only discovered that he traveled into the future in order to hide it, asked Harry. That's what I've been trying to tell you, explained Finey. In his papers, I've not only discovered that he traveled into the future in order to hide it, I've also discovered to spell by which he accomplished time travel. Time travel, exclaimed Ron. Bloody hell, that artillery bay rage was bad enough. What kind of horrors

will the muggles come up with in the future? Artillery bay rage, corrected Hermione. And we couldn't have gotten into the riddle house without it. The point is, can we duplicate this spell, asked Harry. Yes, I believe so, said Hermione. Voldemort's journey through time has created a disruption in time that should make it easier for us to follow him in time.

Well, let's start out from Godric's Hollow, replied Harry. The Riddler's energies should be strong in the place where he fell once before. They found the spell that would take them into the future quite distasteful, especially the part where they had to kill a goat. Commander Jeffrey Sinclair reached out his hand to the mysterious blue spacesuit-clad figure before him. Just as their hands touched, there was a flash, and Sinclair was thrown across the room, and three robed figures apirated out of thin air. was thrown across the room and three robed figures apirade out of thin air. A strange being ran up to the spacesuit-clad figure and handed him something.

Zayth throws fixed, said the being, who then tried to escape the human security guards who had been chasing him. Who are you? demanded Major Kranz of the three robed figures. I'm Harry Potter, and these are my friends Rope and Weasley and Hermione Granger. Two more people step for E-Word. Commander Sinclair and his security chief,

Michael Garibaldi. Are you from the future, asks Sinclair. No, actually, we're from the past, explained Hermione. When and where are we? You're on a space station called Babylon 4, and for me it is the year 2258. Michael, take these three and put them on a shuttle. We'll interrogate them further when we get back to Babylon 5. Right, Jeff, we need to get that exacuation underway too.

And so before the three had time to even catch their breath, they found themselves on a shuttle bound for Babylon 5. Scene change. Harry was sitting at the bar, trying out some breviary, when suddenly he spun around in his bar stool. He had already drawn his wand and was pointing it at the large, darn female, who had turned him to face her. She had orange skin with brown patches and red eyes.

You are a human male, correct, inquired Natoth. Why, dash, yes, said Harry. You will come back to my quarters and mate with me, agreed? Um, okay, replied Harry, wondering what hot alien sex would be like. When they got to her quarters, Natop said, I am unfamiliar with human mating customs. How do we begin? Well, usually I like to start with some kissing, said Harry. Harry took her head in both hands and pulled he in for a kiss she responded eagerly and slipped her forked tongue into his mouth after a few minutes of this harry slid his

hand down to cup a breast but it didn't feel soft like human breast it was hard and firm. It felt more like muscle than breast. But if nay the hums of pleasure were any indication, she was enjoying Harry's touch there. She put her own hand on Harry's chest and tried to imitate his movements. His hums of pleasure told her that she was doing it right. Nay, Toth broke off their kiss and asked, Is it time to remove our clothing yet? If you like, replied Harry. Nay Toth, in a very businesslike fashion,

removed her clothing. Harry followed suit. Now what, axed Natoth. More kissing and caressing, suggested Harry. She nodded her assent, like going up a mountain. Harry pulled her close and began kissing her again. They sat down on the bead, and she gradually leaned back as he began kissing her way down her body. Her gasps and moans told Harry that she was enjoying his attention immensely.

After kissing his way down her neck and chest, he tried to take he nipple, only to find that she didn't have any. So he continued to kiss his way down her body, much to her delight. When he got down to the level where Holden Naval should be, he instead found a flap of skin forming a horizontal slit across her belly. What is this? Harry asked. It's my pouch, replied Natoth. Harry pulled open the pouch and saw that the inside was bright red colored

and was covered with little knobs that looked a little like nipples. Harry began suckling at first one knob then another. Natop's reaction told him that he was doing it right. Harry kissed his war down to her genitals. They looked remarkably like a shaved human pussy except that her clit to roost was about six inches long and stood prominently erect. Harry lightly ran his tongue all over her genitals before taking her clit in his mouth and giving it a blowjob, while his fingers worked inside her. Natoth had a sweet, fruity taste that was different from a human.

She made sounds that made Harry think she had come several more times before she picked Harry up and pulled him on top of her. Mate with me, human! Mat with me now! before she picked Harry up and pulled him on top of her. Mate with me, human! Matt with me now! As Harry slid into her, he thought she felt remarkably human for an alien. Scene change! Her mayony and fear and beer stumbled into his quarters. After delivering the messages, she had gone to restaurant.

It had been full, so she had decided to eat at the bar. She was seated next to a centauri male that appeared distraught about something. She struck up a conversation with him and found him to be rather charming and devoid. They enjoyed their conversation so much that, without meaning to the suddenly, found themselves quite inebriated. In their strunken stupor, they found themselves wandering into his quarters. Hermione pulled her closer so that she could plant a sloppy kiss on his lips. He responded back eagerly as they lost their balance and fell onto the bed. Beer held her chin as they kissed Aran, his hand through her hair, once before he reconsidered he didn't really like hair on female heads, and placed his hand on her breast.

Sober, he never would have had the courage to do such a thing, but the breviary had lowered his inhibitions as it had hers. He kissed her and caressed her through her clothing. Her moans made him so excited that one of his peni wriggled out of his clothing. When Hermione felt the snake-like appendage rubbing against her tummy, she jumped back in fright. What is that? screamed Hermione. It's a penis, said Beard. We males have them. We males have them. I've never seen one like that before, said Hermione.

It must be three feet long, and it's prehensile. Just the sight of that enormous, wriggling cock filled her with lust. She wanted to touch it, to feel it inside her. She licked both her hands and slid one, then the other over the head of his dick. Then with her hands caressing the shaft, she took the head in her mouth and sucked him off. This was such a unique experience that she was closed her eyes so that she could concentrate on the sensations she was feeling. oohing and aahing until suddenly a hot liquid spurted into her mouth.

It was hot in more ways than one. It reminded her of Tabasco sauce. sauce. She opened her eyes to look for something to drink just as she felt something brush against her crotch. had unbuttoned his shirt, revealing all six of his penises in all their glory. Hermione gasped and jumped back away from him. Too weird for me, said Hermione.

She stumbled out the door. Two, three, six! for me, too. Ew! Ew! All right, I'm not going to leave you without one more thing that I found. One more, it's a small thing, it's a small thing. But it's a special thing. Boots had a conversation with Montreux

a while ago to work on his piece. I said, hey Montreux, can you find me scripts to Christian puppet shows? She said, what about? And I was like,

I was like, well, I don't know, like, the fact that global warming is a fraud? And she's like, yeah, here you go. I already have this on my computer. So, I am going to bring up

Chris Collision. That's appropriate. Yeah, yeah. So this right here, Chris Collision. This guy right here, he's Stog. And this is Lemon. Lemon. And this is Lemon! I gotta say, there was half a second that I was super disappointed.

Like, that's how fragile my issue was. He said, this is Lemon, and nothing happened. And I was more depressed than I've been in a month. Anyway, so this is a piece called The Sky is Falling. Stog, his hand, will be playing the part of Clyde, right? And then Chris Collision here, he is playing the part of Sonny. All right, so I'm going to set the stage by saying that... It says down there, down here, you missed, you missed. All right, so I'm going to set the stage by saying that... That's down there, that down here, you missed, you missed. All right, so Clyde enters, takes a deep breath, and holds it.

He begins to struggle as Sonny enters, hurrying to him. Clyde? Clyde, what are you doing? What's wrong? Clyde, what are you doing? What's wrong? Can't talk. I'm holding my breath. Holding your breath? What for? That's crazy. Clyde, breathe. You're going to pass out. Clyde. Oh, thanks a lot, Clyde. Eww!

Oh, thanks a lot, Sonny! You messed everything up! What's wrong with you? Do you want to kill the Earth? What are you talking about, Clyde? Kill the Earth? What's got into you? What does holding your breath have to do with killing the Earth? You're talking crazy.

I think lack of oxygen has messed up your mind. You'd better tell me what this is all about. Oh, okay! Well, last night on the news, they were talking about how carbon dioxide is messing up the planet, and we had stopped putting carbon dioxide into the air, then everything would die! And the ice caps melt and the earth would heat up, and we will burn up in the flood!

And that will be the end of everything! We learned in science class that everything that breathes makes carbon dioxide! You know, so I thought that we could all just learn to breath less and we could save the planet! It's the least I can do, Sonny, I'm really scared! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh. Oh, Clyde.

That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. What?! And I've known you a long time. Don't you believe in God? Well, duh! You know I do, son, and we all do! Okay.

Then you know why he made the Earth, right? Well, yeah! To be inhabited by his creation! Says so right there in Genesis! All that being fruitful and multiply stuff! So why do you doubt him? What do you mean? I don't doubt God! He's real God! But Clyde, by worrying about what man says, what these so-called experts say, is showing that you doubt God. His creation, all life on this planet, is his greatest work. Now, if you had something you made that you were proud of,

would you just wad it up and throw it in the trash? Would you let anyone else do that to something nice you had made well of course not my mom still has a pencil holder

I made for her when I was in kindergarten and she says she's never gonna get rid of it! Well, there you go. That's how God feels about the earth. He loves us, and all the critters and plants that he made. He's not going to let it be destroyed, especially by something as ignorant and simple as us humans. Here. Here. I'll show you. Clyde. Well?

I want you to make it snow. What? Right now. Come on. Make it snow. Oh, now you're talking crazy! I can't make it snow! Only God can make it snow! Now you're getting the picture. See, these people want to make you think that you are as powerful as God. That we humans can actually control the weather by our actions. And yet, neither you nor I, or a whole room full of science. Yeah!

Fuck you, science! Yeah! Yeah! You can't make it snow or rain or control which way the wind blows. Only God who created the laws of nature creation right now. But he's not ready to chuck the whole ball of wax just yet. So it's okay to breathe?

Yes, Clyde. It's okay to breathe. Ugh! But Sonny, why would they say that? It was on the news, so I thought it had to be true. So the experts are lying, right? Should they know that God won't let the Earth be ruined? Well, yes and no, Clyde. It's true we should be good stewards of the earth. God wants us to take care of his creation and not to be piggy with all of his resources. You remember the highway trash pickup we did the other week, right? Yeah! That's a type of stewardship, keeping our stretch of the roadside clean. Oh, that's the same fucking thing? Fuck you, Sonny!

But I really think part of the problem is that a lot of these climate experts don't believe in God and don't know of his promises. No way! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! Sonny! No way! Way. No way! Yes. Way. That's crazier than the idea of all of us killing the Earth.

How could they not believe in God? That's just nuts. Yep. You got it, Clyde. Most scientists put the intelligence of man above the power, wisdom, and grace of God. They don't realize that it was God who gave them those brains to begin with. But you can quit worrying. God who gave them those brains to begin with. But you can quit worrying.

Well, that's good to know because honestly, I had no idea I was going to be able to hold my breath while I was asleep. I hadn't figured that part out yet. Hey! Now that you're breathing again, do you want to come over to my house and shoot some hoops?

Oh, shit! Sure! Let's go! Whoa! I'm physically doing to him what you did to him psychologically fuck you Sonny fuck Sonny fuck Sonny fuck Sonny fuck Sonny, Sonny! Fuck Sonny! Fuck Sonny! Fuck Sonny!

Fuck Sonny of God. Makes you think, doesn't it? Huh? Huh? Fuck you, Sonny! And thank you to Chris Collision and Stug! Thank you! Thanks, Montreux!

Thanks, Montreux. All right. Thanks, Mantra. All right. I don't get genuine very often, but I'm going to say this to you people, you people in this room right now, which is that me and some friends of mine that we collected from the Internet,

we did a thing because we thought it was fun to do a thing. We had at one point a listenership to the podcast that was smaller than the people that were involved in the podcast itself. And from that, we acquired people like yourself. And I don't want to say acquired. You came to us. You're not fucking fans. You're people who like the shit that we like, and I appreciate all of you so much for that fact. And so thank you so very much for coming down to this event. I hope you enjoyed it half as much as I did. My name is Lemon. You people are amazing.

Thank you. Have an excellent night! And the people who've never heard the F-Plus before, they're still here! We're not as scary as we think. The bar is not closed yet. If you want to hang out with us in the bar, I would welcome you to do so. Drink with us, because I was trying to not get that drunk, but that's over, because the show's over. So let's get drunk together.

I love you. Thank you so very much. Good night for real. But buy shirts. Everybody slide! Everybody slide! Everybody slide! Everybody slide! Everybody slide!

Everybody slide!