The F Plus - live5a: F Plus Live 5 | The Finnish Incident | Part 1

Episode Date: November 5, 2016

Finland's plot is unleashed! In the fifth F Plus Live show (The Finnish Incident), each reader will approach the stage to be met by Montrith's courier, who will give them material they have never seen before and must read right then and there. The results are dramatic. This episode is divided up into three segments with three readers apiece. The audio presented here is the full live show itself, we also have a YouTube playlist with all the performances and interstitial segments, plus one bonus piece. This is part one of three. We start out with STOG skipping a whole bunch of pages while he scrolls through his inventory list, and then Frank West explores a fetish that he thinks he understands by the end. Rounding out the first part is bumpgrrl who has both religious and dietary advice. A huge thank you to Mique for handling the filming of this chaotic event, as well as the editing of the video afterwards. All of the video in this show was made possible by him.

Minneapolis, how are you doing tonight? I am so fucking happy to be here on the stage in front of you people. so fucking happy to be here on the stage in front of you people. You can see it. You can see the excitement. You can see the excitement because it's the first time I said this. I am so fucking excited to be here with you people because we are going to present you the kind of show you have

literally never seen before. Which makes sense because it would be kind of hard to do the same show twice. I mean, unless you're like the Rolling Stones. So, what we're gonna do, we have a fun, yeah, Rolling Stones slam, good job, Jimmy Fallon. What we're gonna do

is we're gonna introduce at this live show our fun, fun new direction. All of this, like, making fun of furries and shit, like, that was great, like, that was super fun, but, like, six years? Okay, so here's our plan. The new show is called The Crunchcast.

Right? Good. You like it? Okay, terrific. So what we do on The Crunchcast is we all, as guys and girls in our 30s, reminisce about breakfast cereals from our childhood. It's really exciting.

I think that we're going to pound a new direction in this whole thing. It's going to be really good. So our first episode, our first episode is about the Quisp. And I just want to sample some... Oh my God. What is that terrifying music that could be louder?

What is that terrifying music? Oh my God, that music sounds Finnish. Oh no. More volume, please. Okay. Oh no! More volume, please. Okay.

The plan is nearly complete. Prepare yourself, Minneapolis, because at midnight tonight, this entire godforsaken planet will belong to Finland. No. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mondrejt. I've been providing the F-Plus with terrible things to eat for years,

but it's all been a part of a creative plan. You see, today I am coming to you in my capacity as the general of Finland's world domination army and part-time transportation secretary when Polly goes fishing every other Friday. But for once, I don't want to talk about fishing. I want to talk about you all becoming my slaves.

All of this time, I have been testing your brains and finding out what will break you. And I must say, I've been surprised. I mean, clown sex, monkey worms, dick bugs. I gave you stories about men putting bugs in their dick holes and you came back for more? But we plotted. We waited and we found out about... Cuddle parties. And now we have everything we need.

And so, it all ends here, Minneapolis. You will participate in your own destruction. Explain the premise. No, don't try to escape. The doors are locked. The doors are not locked. Okay, I'm hearing that the doors aren't locked, but we... How hard would it be to lock the doors?

Listen, just because the doors aren't locked doesn't mean you can escape, because we built an electric fence around the... There is no fence! They didn't build a fence. Okay, please do not escape. When your readers come to stage, they will each be met with my courier, who is carrying material that I have selected personally to drive you insane. Okay, let's see. Did I cover everything? True identity, secret government, they must read the things the Korea gives them insane.

Yes, I think that covers everything. Again, please do not escape. And so, your apocalypse will begin just like it says in the Bible with dog.

All right. All right. All right. We have official word from Finland. And this motherfucker that's not quite coming up to the stage, but very soon will be coming up to the stage. His name is... It's a four-letter word. It's a four-letter word. It's a four-letter word. It starts with an S.

Does anyone have a guess? Does anyone have a guess? Does anyone have a guess? Seal is not it. That would actually be a really good show. That would plus feature in Seal. I would like that. His name is Stog!

Oh, no. And here's the courier. He's wearing... This is actually what the couriers look like when they come from Finland. It's United States Postal Service from Finland. It is United States Postal Service from Finland. They've routed it so it's cheaper that way.

It's a flag ring, okay? It's a key. I am opening the thing. I'm going to save the United States from Finland. I am going to do the thing where I pull out the thing and steampunk is dead. The feedback loop booked to fuck! I'm sorry, Stog.

What was the full title of the story that Mantra just gave you? Steampunk is dead. I agree. The Feedback Loop Book 2 by Harmon Cooper from the Amazon Kindle Store. Fuck you, Amazon. That sounds like dog shit. It is. It sounds like pure grade A dog shit that only Finland can provide.

All right. I'm going to move this a little bit over here. Yes. Yes. Thank you, Amazon. Yes, dog! Steampunk is dead. I try in vain to access my inventory list.

My finger taps against thin air, waiting for my inventory list to appear. Come on, you bastard! Another kick to the stomach reminds me of where I am, lying in a dirty, greasy, urine-soaked alley, watching the stars and the planets whirl about in my own private planetarium and feeling genuine full-body pain, the likes of which I hadn't felt in years. Blood on my lips, blood on my chin, blood on the pavement, the fight already lost, the white flag tattered.

Come on, I say, tapping my finger in the air. Come on. Another kick reminds me how real the real world is, how stupid I must look trying to access my inventory list. From troubled boys and trigger men to snowed-up shit birds. The story of my life. Pathetic quantum. shit birds the story of my life pathetic quantum my eyes blurs I take in the man's

stompers oversized things that make him look like a toddler in his dad's sneakers yeah you got something else to say you bastard Maya Celan asks My Asylum asks. He is East Coast to the core. That accent we've come to love and despise coupled with muscles and grease. You know, the things that accents have.

No ducktail, but definitely slicked back. The type of palooka I shouldn't have messed with. The type of jasper who gets high off palutes and assaults a feeble guy like me, a definitely slicked back. The type of palooka I shouldn't have messed with. The type of Jasper who gets high off palutes. And assaults a feeble guy like me, a man with a cane. Maybe I should have opted for cyborg replacements or an exoskeletal suit. What can I say? A man has his convictions. A kick to my thigh this time. Come on! Is that all you got?

My sister hits harder than you. Stand up, you pussy. Fight like a man. Leave him alone, Jimmy. He ain't shit. You are not in the loop. Stock, that is F-plus writing material that goes on the fucking floor. Oh, yeah, that's right. The reminder has little or no effect.

Still trying to access my list. All trying to choose a weapon. Anything to handle the wise guy who's kicking me like I'm a recalcitrant Hartley. A recalcitrant Harley. You heard the man. What I wouldn't give to access my vintage stag-handled bowie knife. Item 33. And slice him into greaser jerky. You heard the man. Right! activate my advanced abilities bar, spring into the air and land behind him and crack the back of his neck over my shoulder. I'm a call of duty. Send Mr. Tough Guy to the morgue before he can utter another word.

Make sure the only thing he can do for the next week is eat out of a tube. I suppose the name of the game is Mame, even in the real world. Another kick and I spit blood. Real blood. My blood. No digital sap allowed. You wimpy

and weak! The man bends over and socks me in the face. You hear me? Weak! If only we could have met somewhere else. A final kiss from his big boots sends a sharp pain polluting through my body. My finger comes up to access my inventory list

and I hear laughter. Hey, let's get out of here, Jimmy. The man's friend says a police siren knifes the air. What's that? Police sirens do that. They have knives. Check set. This guy's a real freak.

Welcome to the real world, Quantum. State your name for the record, please. This field interview is being recorded, the police officer says. The walls of the alley strobe red, blue, blue, red, red, blue, blue, red, with sufficient intensity to induce an epileptic seizure No, that's not efficient Lots of white would be efficient Yeah

I sit with my back against a dumpster, clutch my cane And try to make sense of what's just gone down Quantum hues, I mumble What? Quantum hues Okay, no, the second time it made sense I mumble. Quantum Hughes. His pupils dilate and completely occlude the iris as he scans me. Okay, this one's not human then. No, he's part of a new human droid police program.

Something I would have not believed eight years ago when I first got stuck in the loop. There were human droids before I got trapped in the loop, but they weren't advanced as advanced as they are now. This is garbage. Definitely not advanced enough for law enforcement. Now here's Homo Machina Lex Cogendi Officiaris. Genuine Mechanica Porcum Americanus, if you will, in the artificial flesh. I won't! Next, it'll be ED-209s on every street corner. Who'd have thought it would come to this? Mechanical fuzz? Goodbye, civil liberties and our rapidly eroding constitutional

guarantees cause it's a cyberpunk thing skip 54 pages really genuinely, Montreux. Men repel from the Zeppelin. Steve, have we gone back in time? Yeah, apparently we've gone back in time.

Men repel from the Zeppelin, landing in the center of the market. Once they're grounded, coiled wire drops from the craft and the men connect the cables to a plug on the four clock towers. They raise their thumbs and a light flicks on inside the Zeppelin. How's it powered? I asked aloud. With her

leaks on. What? What the hell is a leak? The vegetable? Yeah, fine. I'm going to say it's the vegetable. She's a Hatsune Miku, apparently. With her leaks on, Frances scans the bottom of the Zeppelin.

There are people inside peddling stationary bikes, she finally says. Not steam? Nope. Bikes. Diamondbacks. It's spinpunk.

Whoa! Steambikes. Portland punk. Portland Punk. Portland Punk coming to IFC this fall. Cancel it! So they are creating the power to light up the inside of the Zeppelin? Yes. But let's not forget, we are in a VE dream world.

Everything is an illusion. What in a VE dream world. Everything is an illusion. What's a VE dream world? Even I don't know, and I'm a cop. Fuck you! Fuck you! It is illegal to say fuck you to the steampunk police, sir. We have steampunk ED-209s, remember?

Tell me, tell me about it. A shadowy man appears on the side of the Zeppelin's massive body. He walks towards the center of the craft, his body increasing in size as it's projected onto the side of the Zeppelin.

Steampunkers in the market cheer and clap, and they don't get punched in the face. It's him, someone shouts. A crackling noise comes out of the speaker horns that surround the Wellsburn Market. Hello, people of steam, the man says. For you newcomers, allow me to welcome you most humbly to this, the best planet in the Proxima Galaxy. I'm your host.

I am your host, Ray Steampunk, and I'm the developer of this world. What? Can we hear that name again? I am your host, Ray Steampunk. How dare you! Just glue some gears on me and call me Ray Steampunk.

The crowd hoots and hollers, claps, whistles, and rattles their gears like they've just seen a magician. Pull a candy-throwing stripper out of a top hat? What? What the fuck's a candy-throwing stripper out of a top hat. What the fuck's a candy-throwing stripper? Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever, Amazon. For those of you that have contacted administrators about the boilerplate army massing on the city limits of

Morlock, know that we've I read a book once too. Know that we've dispatched a fleet of our best air enforcers to deal with the issue. If you wish to assist us

in the defense of the realm, you can access sign-on information through the mission tab on your avatar's landing page. For today only, we've raised the enlistment bonus

to 2,000 shillings, but this drops back down to 1,000 come tomorrow, so be sure to sign up today. I don't want to read the fucking manual. Terms of service. Nobody wants to read

the terms of service, and that's where I get away with my deeds. A few people in the crowd dematerialize as they access their avatar's landing page and join the war against whomever. The war against whomever. Our mortal enemy, whoever. It's like a never ending story or something?

Names have never been my forte, especially not artsy, craftsy, fancy, pantsy, steampunk ones. Give me a couple of good stomping grounds like Devil's Alley, the pier, or possibly the Badlands, and I'm good to go. We can tell. The silhouette... The silhouette of Ray's steampunk gestures like he's about to poke God in the ass. It has come to my attention that a pair of reapers have entered our world. It's an overwatch now.

He says, his pointer finger up in the air now. For those of you unfamiliar with the reapers, it is my unpleasant duty to enlighten you. As their name implies, Reapers are death bringers, murderers, destroyers of souls, vile, hateful mercenaries who rape and kill and slaughter for profit. For profit,

the worst kind of motivation of all. Across the Proxima Galaxy, without regard to the commonly held rules of basic human decency, sportsman-like fair play, good fellowship, and player solidarity. They shamelessly, mercilessly ensnare players inside a world, hold them as slaves, and use them to do their foul bidding. Moreover, these reapers indiscriminately use prescribed weapons that will kill the plume human player in the real world.

Oh my God! Good! A true death. A death from which there is no respawning. You mean death. Yes. Yes. No respawning.

You mean death. Yes. Like they're reading from a script, the crowd makes the usual stereotyped crowd noises of horrified shock and disbelief. Like they were a cliche, the crowd was a cliche. Quivering hands are raised to mouths, wrists to foreheads. Women swoon in their

fright, as do some men. Players and NPCs both suspiciously eye their neighbors, rest hands upon sword hilts and holstered pistols. Many, many suddenly retrieve large and powerful weapons from their inventory.

I look to Francis. Reapers are here. Looks like Christmas came early. Yeah! God damn it. She removes her goggles, scans the crowd. Get ready to log out.

If only. Huh? Ray Steampunk continues. For more information on Reapers, check out the bulletin post in the... Check out the bulletin board post on my Telnet page. And don't forget to sign up for my web ring. Don't forget to sign up for my web ring. I'm Ray Steampunk. For more information on Reapers, check out the bulletin post in the announcements tab of your Avatar's landing page.

The dastardly pair in question unmistakably identified themselves as Reapers through their base and cowardly actions. Don't you dare unsubscribe! Hey guys, welcome back to part 7 of my let's play of... of... In an unprovoked attack, they cruelly slew the beloved Mr. Masked Conductor Man and without warning destroyed one of our scout aircraft.

Fortunately, in his last full measure of devotion, the heroic pilot managed to far speak his warning and confirmed that one of them was indeed wearing a Reaper skull mask. The system administrator sent an immediate all points warning. Check your inbox if you haven't already. The two Reapers are reported to be in the Wellsburg market area

outside on the skirts of Locus. Ah, shit. The crowd noise picks up. Friends band together, stand back to back. The rattling clink of weapons nervously handled grows more pronounced. It's just a matter of time before some dumbass lets one go and precipitates a bloodbath. What, a shit? Um.

What, a shit? I don't know. Based on their login details, we have identified them as Quantum Hughes and Francis Euphoria. I repeat, Quantum Hughes and Francis Euphoria are the... I repeat, Quantum Hughes and Francis Euphoria. I repeat, Quantum Hughes and Francis Euphoria. They are the two Reapers in question. Their indicators will appear red in the next few moments. Do not engage unless you are at level 45 or higher, and only do so at your own risk.

For those in the market, get to a safe place or log out. Air Enforcers will be there momentarily. That's it for now. Have a wonderful evening, and don't forget to join in our war against the Boilerplate Army. Until we meet again, I bid you adieu. The light inside the Zeppelin turns off. Oh no! Um. Oh, no! Um.

Oh, yeah. Francis Euphoria's indicator strokes red. It's really, really noticeable. Looks like we're about to have company. Log out! Her hand is in front of her now, seconds away from pressing the log out button. Fat chance, Francis. It's been a while since I had a true knockdown drag out fight.

Well, no, I said that wrong. It's been a while since I had a true knockdown drag out fight in which my ass was not the one getting kicked. Skip 57 pages. Thanks, Mondreth. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da luckies on the nightstand, stick a smoky treat in my face and suck it in as it ignites. My lungs fill and my stimulated algorithmic nicotine receptors scream with pleasure

like schoolgirls on rollercoaster. The smoke swirls and eddies against the ceiling when I blow out. Dolly is next to me, her naked body pressed into mine. She reaches up, plucks the cigarette from my lips, drags on it, coughs. I laugh and she pulls the blanket to her chest. What? She asks and smiles. I always cough when I smoke with you.

Skip 92 pages. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I look to the beautiful gal laying on my bed in her skin-tight red dress. That's a Matrix reference. My real-world problems come to me and I gulp them down. When in doubt, escape. I think I'll stay for a while. Things are easier in here sometimes.

I understand. Rocket presses the logout button. See you on the other side, Q. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Doug! I know that the material was selected for him, and I know that the material was not his fault, and I know that until this moment, he never saw the material, but I

still blame him for reading that for us one more time for Stog I think we can all say fuck you Ray Steampunk yeah yeah fuck you Ray Steampunk we are we are not going to take it easy with you on this round.

We've got another man who's actually already up on this stage. His name is Frank West! Frank West. Frank West. The Curry has a box for you. Oh, my God. Look at that. Look at the inside of that.

That is beautiful. A dildo did actually look at that. Look at the inside of that. That is beautiful. A dildo did actually come in that. Frank West, what is the title of your piece there? Blow Up by M. Christensen. From the Amazon Kindle store.

Closer? We good? Don't tell me how to fucking use the mic. That's actually a good three years thing. Oh, that's a promising start. How big? I spread my hands apart. About this size? Hum, she said, smiling at me. Her name tag said Betty. She was really pretty, or at least I thought so.

Voluptuous, I guess you'd call her. I'm the fucking superstar here. Who the fuck are you? Jesus. Okay. Sorry, did you find something in the text? A little bit. Voluptuous, I guess you'd call her.

Short, but with round up top and below. She really filled her toys-a-rus. Putting a lot of strain on that bright orange apron. I think I might have something you'd like, she added, smiling again, but keeping the smile going for a lot longer than before. My heart began to beat faster. I felt lightheaded. Great, I managed to stammer,

covering it by coughing into my fist. This way, she said, crooking a finger, leading me towards the back of the store. Her ass rolled as she walked. It's like a segue. It was... Like a Star Wars battle droid oh yeah yeah pretty much yeah it's just a BB-8 yeah I think we have one more left in stock or at least I think so it was here the other day just following her I was getting really excited and even more nervous. This is where I saw it last, Betty said, digging around in some boxes at the end of the hula hoop, squirt gun,

and kids sports section. That's a really, I love that we're using all this sexy language there. Thanks, Montreth. It's not like I have a reputation right Montreth I mean thanks Montreth This is a great addition to my reputation Her plump breasts swung as she bent over Pushing brightly colored boxes aside Ah here it is Voila Yes her breasts were pushing the boxes aside. Ah, here it is. Voila.

Yes, her breasts were pushing the boxes aside. You didn't read that wrong. Get the fuck out of here. That's actually what it... That is powerfully erotic, actually. But you'd like to see me in a Toys R Us outfit, huh? Betty breathed deeply, making her round little body gently swell up. In her hands was a box,

big, bouncy, in cartoon letters on the side, four-inch when inflated right below. Suitable for children of all ages beneath that. Is this what you were looking for? Her voice was deep, slow, and breathy, and potentially causing legal problems. My cock was hard. Very hard.

She probably noticed, I realized. Was she probably noticed? I've just been staring at her ass literally the entire time. I don't know if she noticed. Okay. That's a weird cock if people don't notice whether or not it's hard. He's not a grower and he's not a show. Oh, it's true, though.

And my face blushed hot. That's perfect. I'll take it. I took the box, positioning it to hide the evidence in my pants. You know, I don't do this very often, but, well, she blushed too, very quickly, but then she dropped her head just ever so and looked up at me through her dark eyelashes. If you want to go, you know, go out sometime. Her number was written on a claim tag.

I couldn't let go of the box, so I trapped it against the cardboard with a finger. That'd be great, I said, grinning wide, very glad for the box in my arms. I think so too, Betty said, as we walked out to the front, where I bought my ball and, with her waving goodbye,

went out and home. Scene change. Ha ha ha! Scene change. Preparation is half the fun. Well, maybe not. We don't know what he's talking about. It might be wholesome.

It's not wholesome. It's going to shellac the deck. It's just laying down some tarp. It's all going to be... It's just going to be homeworking, I think. Well, maybe not half the fun, because when you get right down to it, when I get right down to it, it's a lot of fun. But getting ready is

still a thrill. Knowing what's coming, thinking about it, building anticipation. I used to just leap in, but I got so excited I was a little rough, and it blew up in my face. So now I take my time, stretch it out. For instance, the right kind of lotion is essential.

I used to use hand lotion, but while it left me feeling smooth and soft, it also clotted up. I even... I even tried... Ranch dressing is going to show up in like a sentence. I even tried Crisco. You're not far off, Lemon. Hearing that gay men used it, and while it worked really well, it also had this smell.

Made me hungry for fried chicken. Kind of distracting. I finally settled on basic... Oh, man, really? I finally settled on basic good old-fashioned baby oil. Does lube exist? I don't think that you can find lube in stores anywhere. It's probably really hard to find.

It's very hard. No, no, apparently it's very difficult. Listen, if you can find lube, that's terrific. But sometimes you have to use shoe polish. It's just a thing that happens in the real world. Plus, baby oil is great. It's great, nice and thick, doesn't get all gummy, and a little goes a real long way.

And no one looks at you funny when you buy a quart of it. Fella, everybody is looks at you funny when you buy a quart of it. Fella, everybody is looking at you funny. It's just the usual stares. At least they're looking. The best, though, is shaving. There's just something about it.

Methodical, careful, with a bit of danger involved. You don't rush when you shave. You're asking me? I don't... You have to have control, patience. Shaving's the best part, except for the act itself, of course. Skip lengthy full-body shave passage. Thank God, Montreth. Montreth, PM that to me later, please. Thank you. When I'm naked and clean, it's almost time.

Just a few more steps, but I'm so excited. My heart's pounding in my chest, and I feel as dizzy as I am eager. Back in the living room, I carefully slowly cover my... Nope. I carefully slowly cover myself with the oil. My neck, even my face, down my chest, around my little belly. My pussy on my crack. Yeah, I mean, how did you miss that one, Lemon?

I know you wanted it. I could feel it. You were like, mmm. I should work out more. As much of my back as I can reach. Down my thighs, down my calves, my face, and between my toes. Okay, I remember the part where you said, a little goes a long way.

I lied. That's how they make you buy two bottles. I don't use a lot, but I use enough. Oh, okay, okay. Enough goes a long way. Yeah. When I'm finished, I'm shiny and slick, and my cock is hard and throbbing.

This is literally the only way it gets hard. Yeah. This is just going to be like a slip and slide, right? So we're headed. Now it's time to inflate. I know. I realize that I should do that before I'm coated in oil. But while it's sometimes difficult to hold the deflated ball, it doesn't bother me.

No, it does, but I like that. No, it does, but I like that. It's like, I don't know, like foreplay. Or maybe petting, I guess. Some guys... What is... Like foreplay, or maybe petting, I guess. Some guys... What kind of foreplay do you do where you don't end up being completely covered in baby oil, Lemon? I just don't. I just don't do that.

Oh. You just... Oh. Some guys struggle with bras, getting pants down. I have to struggle with a soft dead weight, a slippery nipple, and running out of breath. This part of it, like the hunt before the catch. I don't know, maybe I'm getting overly philosophical. I just like it. It adds to the whole thing.

I used to puff it up in a hurry, rushing it to the really good stuff, but after the second time passing out before I was finished, I decided to take it nice and slow. I also really try and keep my hand off my dick. It's so tempting. The rubber nipple hard

in my mouth. The almost fruity smell of the warming plastic. The soft undulating ball in my arms. Growing bigger and firmer with every dizzying breath. Sometimes when I'm in a hurry and I have a ball around,

I'll lay in bed and cradle it within my arms while I jerk off. It's so seductive. The texture and aroma of the plastic. The way I can wrap it around my body.

Tight and wonderfully restricted. You can't make hands ball, the way I can wrap it around my body, tight and wonderfully restrictive. You can't wrap a ball around your body. Literally, open up blender, body, ball. I do use blender a lot. Did you say warming plastic? Did you say warming plastic? Warming, because I'm warming it. Don't fuck the ball, Hod.

Tight and wonderfully restrictive. That's when I don't have time, but usually, because it's even better, I make the time. This part takes time, suspense building with every breath, but eventually I get it done. If it's a good ball, it's rubber,

not just plastic, and slick, smooth, no... I just realized what he's fucking. It literally took me this long. I thought it was a good bow, it's rubber, not just plastic And slick, smooth I just realized what he's fucking It literally took me this long I thought it was a blow-up doll I'm not there yet I'm not gonna spoil it If we get to the end and we haven't figured out what you tell us Yes

No patterns Like a volleyball Too small anyway Because they can rub your skin raw If you fuck a volleyball, too small anyway, because they can rub your skin raw. If you fuck a volleyball, it rubs, everybody knows, and we've all been there in high school, we fucked a volleyball, our skin got raw, our parents were like, what are you doing, Frank, why is your skin raw? And I'm like, gee, I don't know, mom. We didn't need to ask that in my household.

Good size is about four feet in diameter. I've done bigger, but they're even harder to find, and smaller doesn't work. Sometimes when it's been a while, I'll find myself getting, well, hard at the weirdest times. I'll be sitting there at a stoplight, for instance, and I'll look up and see a Phillips 76 station with its huge orange ball, and my body will just start to react on its own. I know it's weird, but thankfully, it doesn't happen that often. There's just something beautiful about it. Often I'll sit and stare at it for a little while

Before starting, just looking at it It's like a woman in many ways Like all the good parts of one In one neat shape Round like big breasts Or a big butt Smooth and bouncy Like a plush woman

Like all of the plush woman? Like all of the plush women I have. This guy lost his virginity to a fat stump. Other times, when I don't have one around, a ball, I mean, I'll see a woman, a girl, and see her roundness,

her curves, her well-cushioned body, and my cock will do a Phillips 76 on me it's catching on it streets ahead like that girl in the Toys R Us today her number's around here somewhere but there's the ball next I put some oil on it

slowly, seductively rubbing it all over the round resilient surface. The smell is wonderful. Warm, sweet. My sweat and the oil. The sight is glorious. The fullness, the way it's perfectly round.

The texture is incredible. Warm like skin and firm like skin. Touching it, looking at it, smelling it. It just reaches a part of me nothing else really can. It's the best. That's what it is really, for me. It's the best. Now it's time to start.

This needs Pee Wee's Playhouse music right now. There's a trick to it. Lean too far forward and you bang your head on the floor. Not far enough and your knees get cramped. We good? Okay. Sorry, I thought I fucked up. I probably did fuck up.

Not far enough and your knees get cramped. I worked it out perfectly. Just far enough back, far enough forward. Just right. I've never told anyone, of course. I know what they'd say. Still, how can they say anything if they've never done it? Never fucked a ball.

You can't judge me. I don't get it. Yeah, I really can. I don't have the words for how it is for me, how it feels, warm and soft, pressing them against my whole body, my cock pressed between my stomach and the firm rubber. I slide, slowly at first,

back and forth, up and down, lost in all that and more. I don't have to worry about what anyone else is thinking or feeling. You could use more worry. The ball doesn't care. I can do whatever I want it to and don't have to worry about what it'll say or do. It's just rubber, firm, hot, pliant, resilient,

and there's nothing else like it. Back and forth, firm, hot, pliant, resilient, and there's nothing else like it. Back and forth, slowly, carefully, rubbing my body against the big red ball, every little bit of sensation making me breathe quicker, my heart beating faster, and my cock somehow growing even harder. Back and forth, oil sliding between me and the plastic, with each stroke getting warmer, hotter. My hips get that fucking reflex after a time. You ever get your fucking reflex checked at the doctor?

Like... That's a terrible joke. I'm sorry. I really think it's funny, though. And I start to really thrust against the roundness, the firmness, and the softness. After a point, there's nothing but the ball in me. The ball. And fucking the ball.

There's frequently nothing but the ball in you. I don't imagine there's a whole bunch of family around. Girlfriends. You remember that girl that gave you her phone number? She didn't seem to show up, did she? Frequently nothing but the ball in you. I don't imagine there's a whole bunch of family around. Girlfriends. You remember that girl that gave you her phone number? She didn't seem to show up, did she? Well, one day it's going to be me and a big ball and a bunch of little balls, and then you'll see. The smell of the ball.

The way this ball seems to push back as I push down. My cock sliding between it and my stomach. Then it hits me from my balls at first. They get very tight and then quickly spreads down my dick and my whole body jerks really hard. I don't know about

you, but let me describe cumming, okay? That's the word! I grab hold of the ball as tight as I can, squeezing it, screaming, crying into the rubber. There's a lot of crying. Crying into the rubber as my cum jets out of my dick and gets all sticky and stringy on the ball. Hi, this is what she walked into.

Would you say that you came in it like a wrecking ball? I can't work under these conditions. I didn't know John's host was here. We didn't want to start a war. Don't look at me. Then it happens. Not always, but often enough.

If it doesn't, then that's great Because I get to do it again But if it does happen, it's like something added to my cum An extra bang That smashes right through my fun plastic time Leaving me heaving and exhausted on the floor My burst balloon flat under me What?

Did this just turn into ball snuff? And if you like popping balls, you should come to ball snuff! I rest and pant for a long time, my heart still hammering, my eyesight still blurry. Eventually I get up, feeling the couple of bruises

that'll be big and purple by morning. I shower, feeling regret, as the oil... Oh my god, I didn't read that ahead of time! Oh man, there's a lot of regret. I shower, feeling regret as the oil and the smell of the ball twirls down the drain. Gone. Finished. Popped. Eventually.

Eventually. Eventually, maybe a day or so later, I feel it starting build again. But every toy in Sporting Goods' store comes up dry. Eventually, I think of Toys R Us, so I dig up the tiny slip of paper with Betty's number on it and then definitely go on a normal date? No.

Sure. Is that actually in there? No. Okay. No. Sure, she'd love to have coffee sometime sometime and by the tone of her voice husky and sultry and deep i know she'd like to come over and fuck that'd be nice and it might be fun but i really it won't be fun it won't be fun it won't be fun here's here's the thing here's the thing yeah Yeah? Yeah. An hour into

this date, when you're at the TGI Fridays with her, and she keeps telling you about her sister that she has to go see, there's actually no sister. Oh, shh. Out of character, I just realized some things. I'm sorry. Out of character, I just realized some things. Sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh, me? Sorry. Get back to the ball popping. It'll be fun. Oh, yeah, ball popping. That'd be nice, and it might be fun, but I really hope she'll do something else for me,

something that matters even more. I hope she'll let me know the instant they get more big bouncies in stock. That would be terrific. Better than anything. Thank you. Frank West! Take that microphone, fuck you.

How do you do that? Show you who's boss. It's just a little clip. I got too much power. Frank West! I'm not going to say that set the tone for the night because the tone for the night is agony. And we got somebody else coming up to the stage. We got somebody coming up to the stage

and she's going to bring you something that is not of her choosing and her name is Bump Girl! Bump Girl! Bump Girl! Oh, shit, bump girl. Bump girl, who comes the carrier? I don't actually see anything in his hands. Oh, fuck.

Also, it seems to have some cape wrap. Oh, shit. Oh, it's like that terrible police song. It's so beautiful. Again and again and again and again and again. All right. Well, you seem to have a bottle. On top of the bottle, I don't know if you noticed, the bottle actually says The Lube on it.

It's a glass bottle that says The Lube. Just pick it up. Just hold it with your hands. Do you want to put it in your mouth? There you go. Yeah, pull. You know what actually would have helped that get out faster? No, baby oil?

The lube. So, Bump Girl, what do you have there? I have a message from the heavens. By Reverend Abba Nazariah from TowardsFreedom.com, I bring you the Jesus diet. Dude, good-looking guy. All right. So it is a massive document on the Jesus diet,

the Essene fruitarianism as a dietary practice today from the Essene Church of Jesus Christ by Reverend Abba Nazariah. Towardsfreedom.com. In this article, in case you haven't noticed yet, I will describe the Essene fruitarian diet practice and advocated by Jesus Christ. Fruitarian? Jesus was a fruitarian? While it is true that Jesus only required basic vegetarianism, no meat, to become a baptized disciple,

it is also true that he strongly encouraged those who were able and willing to go on to become Essene fruitarians. It is true. I don't know why you're silent. Jesus. It's true. I don't know why you're silent. Jesus. It's Jesus. Let us begin by establishing... God, this is fucking long. Jesus. There's a lot of tips.

Let us begin by establishing the fact that Jesus made vegetarianism a requirement of decisorship and that he himself was a vegetarian in the Essene New Testament because I haven't said that already. It's established, established. Okay, now, oh, don't worry guys, it's here. Now a more detailed definition of the term Essene fruitarian that's capitalized. We all know it, why would you even tell us? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everyone here is a true friend of Jesus. We have already stated that an Essene fruitarian eats only, no, we didn't, eats only the part of a plant that can be eaten without killing the plant.

Thus, not only the typical fruits can be eaten, grapefruit, grapes, figs, dates, et cetera, but also corn, squash, broccoli, almonds, sunflower seeds, and any other vegetarian food you can eat without killing the plant. Lettuce can be eaten if harvested correctly. Simply pick the outer leaves of the lettuce rather than uproot the plant. The lettuce will continue to grow more leaves, and you can continue to harvest the outer leaves every few days.

Eventually, it will go to seed. You can harvest the seed for your next planting. Even grains such as wheat can be eaten, although it is not necessary to uproot the grass in order to harvest the grain. Although main estuaries and retreaders will just be vegan, it is not impossible to eat dairy products. At some point. This is really important, and we have to get through all of it.

Jesus, we get it. We're vegan. No. Wrong. She's one of the vegans that likes to talk about it a lot. This is a new level. This is beyond vegan.

You're not listening. You're not listening. Although many Essene fruitarians will choose to be vegan, it is possible to eat dairy products, because dairy is fruit on this diet, since the animal is not killed, and the milk comes from grass that need not be uprooted. Milk doesn't come from grass.

Milk comes from grass, Lemon. Jesus said so! The milk you buy at a typical grocery store in modern America is not the milk endorsed by Jesus. Grocery store milk is not raw. It is not from animals well cared for, and it is not from sheep or goats. Again, one can choose to be a vegan Essene fruitarian. Period. But, in order to support my assertion, that's the Reverend...

Don't go backwards, we can't go backwards! Reverend Abba Nazariah. That's my, It's not Paul. For once. In my assertion that Jesus permitted his disciples to use raw dairy products, I quote from the Essene Gospel of Peace. Wherefore, prepare

and eat all fruits of trees, and all grasses of the fields, and all milk of beasts, good for eating, for all these are fed and ripened by the fire of life. All are the gift of the angels of our earthly mother, but eat nothing to which only the fire of death gives savor, for it is such of Satan. Jack? Jack Chick? Did you write this? Fuck you for writing this, Jack Chick. Hang on, we'll see if there's more Satan coming up.

Okay, Jesus' reference above to foods that are ripened by the fire of life, quote unquote, is a reference to raw foods. See, I explain everything. I don't know what you're complaining about. His reference to the fire of death is a reference to cooked foods. Above, we see that he specified that not only milk, but all our other Essene fruitarian foods as well should be raw, uncooked, in case you weren't sure what ramen,

if at all possible. Jesus' emphasis on raw food vegetarianism is made clear. Where? Satan. Wherefore prepare and... Okay, but since you can't cook anything, we're going to go on how to cook with the sun.

When it comes to cooking with the sun, Jesus had a big advantage over many of us. He lived in a desert! Exclamation mark. I think this was written by Jack Chick. Personally, I live in Oregon where it rains much of the year. And cooking with the sun is not always possible. However, a food dehydrator will accomplish the tasks.

You see, the reason Jesus wants to... Yeah, well, it's not the fire of death life and the fire of death which gives... Jesus wants us to cook the bread in the sun rather than an oven is that he knows the living enzymes in the wheat will be killed if the bread is cooked at a temperature of 118 degrees or more that's so wrong no no no wait no wait we've got this is true not only of wheat but of all food Anything you cook at a temperature of 118 degrees or more will have its enzymes destroyed. As Jesus knew 2,000 years ago, and as modern science has

now confirmed, enzymes are absolutely essential to your health. And besides the destruction of enzyme, cooking food destroys many other nutritional elements and creates cancer-causing toxins. Oh, toxins! But you shall be saved if you prepare your bread in a food dehydrator and the living enzymes and nutrients will be preserved.

Well, I know the above to be true because I have personally experienced it. After several years on a raw food diet, I had a profound sense of... After several years on a raw food diet, I had a profound sense of walking with God all the time. Oh, is that what diarrhea is? I didn't really... Rather than just while meditating or having a peak experience. Like, peak. Peak.

Peak. A peak experience. There is a big difference between merely talking or thinking about God and actually experiencing God. Period. After seven years on a raw diet, I began to see auras. Auras. Experienced telepathy and clairvoyance.

Have past life recall. And do out-of-body travel. Well, you may think that's unusual, but all of those things are our birthright as human beings. Lemon, the most important birthright of all is to walk with God in perpetual communion. Just always eating the communion way first? Always. Always communion way. Oh my God, we get lists. We get lists the communion way first? Always. Always communion way first. Oh my God, we get lists.

We get lists. Guys, I love lists. Okay. Synopsis of phase one because the synopsis is something that summarizes what's gone before and that doesn't do this. Phase one allows us to make a gradual transition

into Essene fruitarianism. Bullet point two. All of the foods we eat must potentially be able to be eaten without killing the plant. Potentially. We must attempt to eat mostly organic foods. Two-thirds of our food must be raw

with a goal of eventually achieving 100% raw. We should become aware of the additional requirements of phase two and phase three and begin step-by-step to incorporate these elements as able. Don't worry. The next section is synopsis of Phase 2. Look at all the pages Montreux gave me.

Aren't you happy? Okay, so Phase 2. We are required to eat only foods that we can reasonably assume are actually harvested without killing the plant. We are required to eat mostly organic foods. This is the fucking same goddamn... Oh, we are required to eat 100% raw. Okay, it's different.

We are required to fast one day per week, not eat at all. Can be the ancient Hebrew day, sunset to sunset. Can be any day of the week, raw juices and or water permitted. We are required to become aware of an attempt to implement proper food combining. We're required to make every effort not to overeat. Synopsis of phase three. We're required to have actual personal knowledge that the foods we eat were harvested without killing the plant. You should be introduced to it in person when it was first born and then, oh sorry, that's not in here. In the case of tree-grown fruits and nuts, a reasonable assumption is still permitted.

We are required to always eat organic foods, 100% raw. We are required to eat food that is fresh and in season. We are required to fast on the Sabbath. You can't pick your day anymore. Friday to sunset to Saturday sunset. Water only, no juice this time. We will starve you to death. We are required to become aware of and implement proper food combining.

We had to do that last time. We are required to become aware of and implement proper food combining. We had to do that last time. We are required to eat no more than two major meals per day. A piece of fruit or a glass of juice does not count as a major meal. We are required to eat no solid food before noon. Raw juice is okay before noon. Oh my god. See, you're

on this diet and you're becoming clairvoyant because we are required to begin our last major meal of the day no later than sunset. Break night. We should attempt to save one or more seeds from each fruit or plant we eat for later planting. This is not a requirement, but an invitation to advanced ahimsa. How did that start?

We are required and then you said we're not required? We should attend. Oh, we should. Okay, sorry. Yeah. Menus. Sample phase one breakfasts. One. Four organic bananas. Two. Four organic. Two, four organic... That's a lot. That's a lot of banana. Okay, you can have something different. You can have four organic bananas blended with a little water and a tablespoon of raw carob powder.

Why not? How is that better? The Reverend reassures us that this tastes like a chocolate shake. Exclamation mark. No! It's the water that really adds that flavor to it.

There's other choices. More breakfasts. You can have a bowl of organic figs, dried or fresh. You can have an organic melon. You can have organic fruit juice. You can have raw organic vegetable juice. Cucumber makes a good base. No, it doesn't Cucumbers fucking water on two or three organic apples Okay phase one

Fruit yeah. Well, it's a fruitarian diet jack chick duh Okay Okay Okay. Okay, let me explain what fruit is. Okay. Sample phase one lunches. One, two baked potatoes. Two, two baked sweet potatoes. Three, steamed brown rice. One, two, two baked potatoes.

Two, two baked sweet potatoes. Baked potatoes. Baked. Baked potatoes. Baked in the sun? One, two baked potatoes. Okay the sun one two baked potatoes okay wait they're getting you into it slowly right but

this is phase one that's not a baked potato listen I can't clarify because everything's on the floor and I can't go back according to Lemon so steamed brown rice baked squash, also baked large vegetable salad. Remember the lettuce thing that you don't have to kill it.

Essene bread, which we don't know how to make. And fruit salad. Yeah. Hey, it's like a normal food. Whoa, weird. Sample phase one dinners. Large vegetable salad. If you do not have salad for lunch, have it for dinner. Select a gourmet raw food recipe from Gabriel Cousin's book, Conscious Eating, available from our Essene Church. That's Gabriel Cousin's book about conscious eating. Also, you can have another two baked sweet potatoes or two baked sweet potatoes. Those are two separate options. Or you can select a gourmet

raw food dish from the book Angel Foods, Heavenly Foods for Heavenly Bodies by Cherie Serea, available from our church as well for a low, low price of... Skip phase two sample meals. Oh, man. Oh, wow. This is going to be... Okay, guys, this is going to be intense. We're just going to have to jump into it. I'm hoping there's a blue plate for this kind of shit.

Okay. Can I get like a blue apron kind of like, hey, we send you fruit. You eat it. Fuck you. Lots of money. Oh wait, don't worry. I don't think we have to eat anything as a phase three. Spice Face is not a law firm. Spray face is not a law firm. So, by phase three, we have phased out breakfast.

One, go for an early morning walk in nature. This is breakfast. And breathe deeply with the fresh air. Recite the words of the Essene communion with the angel of air angel of air enter my lungs and give the air of life to my whole body and breakfast option number one breakfast option number two drink some pure water immediately alter reciting the words of the Essene communion. I think they mean after. Essene communion with the angel of water. Angel of water, enter my blood and give the water of life

to my whole body. But you don't have to do both of them. You can do one or the other. The angel says no because you're going to be dead soon. I told you. Eating optionals. Okay. Option three, sunbathe in the morning sun while you recite the Essene Communion

with the angel of sun come on everyone with me now angel of sun, enter my solar center and give the fire of life to my whole body oh my god, I'm a cult leader, my life ambition is realized, oh okay, sorry, never mind drink oh, guys, sorry, never mind Drink

Oh, guys, guys, food Shit, is there food on this menu? Well, oh, okay You judge Drink some raw vegetable or fruit juice Immediately alter The juice by reciting the words Maybe they do mean alter

Okay, so you drink Anyway, the raw vegetable or fruit juice Immediately alter reciting the words. Maybe they do mean alter. Okay, so you drink anyway the raw vegetable or fruit juice immediately alter reciting the words of the Essene Communion with the earthly mother. The earthly mother and I are one. She gives us the food of life to my whole body. The earthly mother and I

are one. She gives us fruit of our life for her body. Food of life. You got it fucking wrong. Okay, so it's okay. You can make it up by number five, hugging a tree. Oh, man. Six is worse.

Okay, let's just get through five. Breakfast number five. Breakfast number five. We haven't even gotten to lunch and dinner. Hug a tree as you recite the words of the Essene Communion with the angel of life. This time, angel of life, enter my limbs and give strength to my whole body.

And number six is stand barefoot in the soil or on the grass. That's too silly. I'm not a fan. And recite the words of the Essene communion with the angel of earth. Fuck, there's fucking a lot of angels. Jesus.

I cheated on my diet. I hugged a tree last night, but I was barefoot at the time. You're supposed to do that in the morning, you asshole. It's breakfast. The most important meal of the day. Let me break my fast by not eating any

food. It's okay, because the angel of earth will enter your generative organs. And regenerate your whole body. At least you're supposed to ask it to do that. Oh, God, there's a seventh fucking breakfast. Mantras. I thought we were friends.

We built so many beautiful things in Minecraft. Sit in your garden and behold the beauty as you recite the words, this isn't breakfast. No, sorry, I was editorializing. Of the Essene communion with the angel of joy, angel of joy, descend up on earth, descend up, descend up on earth, descend up on earth and give beauty to all things like my breakfast, which doesn't exist. Guys, there's lunches and dinners, but on the bright side, it's the last page. Okay, sample phase three lunches.

One, stand for a while by an apple tree. When you notice an apple fall to the ground, pick it up and eat it. Or gently shake a limb. So the ripest apple falls to the ground. Or pick the apple. Well, now I can pick the apple. God damn. Okay.

Or pick the apple that looks the ripest and smells the best. If you want another, repeat the process. Okay. I have one food. How do I get two foods? Okay, well, sample breakfast number two. Stand by an orange tree. And repeat the above process.

One sample lunch number three. Stand by a pear tree. And repeat the apple tree process. Do not repeat the orange tree process. It won't work. Okay. Okay, if you want a heartier lunch Simple lunch for Stand by an avocado tree And repeat Repeat the apple tree process

Or, hey, five Chew some wheatgrass and swallow the juice. Then gag on the resultant fiber. Oh, that's not in here. Six, offer to pick the untended fruit tree in your neighbor's yard in exchange for a portion of the harvest. Eat some of your portion for lunch. Share some with your friends.

I keep coming over, but he's never around. All the lights are on, but I knock on the door and nobody comes. It's weird. You're not allowed to shake peach trees. They explicitly were not mentioned. Okay, number seven.

Visit a local organic farm. Pick several ears of corn after paying for them. You didn't have to pay for anything else, but you have to pay for corn. Sit and pray. Eat the corn. Corn is delicious raw. Lies.

That's actually like deadly, isn't it? Like wouldn't that actually, okay, okay. No, it's just shitty.

That's fine, that's fine. Okay, now for dinner. Number one, walk in your garden. I heard that.

Notice a perfectly ripe vegetable. Give love to the plant the vegetable is growing on. Promise to plant a seed from the vegetable next spring. I promise. I promise I'll call you. Now you're a fucking fruit pimp. Eat the vegetable right there in the garden.

Repeat the process with another ripe vegetable. In your garden, squat near a row of lettuce. Do not kneel down. Do not bend down. Squat down. Carefully harvest the outer leaves of several lettuce plants without uprooting the plants.

Eat the leaves. Do not wash the leaves under any circumstances. Sample phase three dinner. When you have, number three, when you have more cucumbers in your garden then you can eat pick several and juice them add some freshly picked greens drink the juice and notice how good you feel because when you go to sample breakfast for it instead of eating

meditate in your garden you'll wish you were drinking cucumber juice because you're starving. And while you're, you know, communing with God and meditating and being clairvoyant and passing out, instead of eating, dance in ecstasy in your fruit orchard. You misspelled on. Dance in ecstasy in your fruit orchard. Okay. Sample phase.

Oh, yes. Oh, my God. So close. So fucking close. When especially hungry. Why would you be especially hungry? Eat two large Haas avocados. Haas.

Haas. Haas. Haas. Haas. Number seven, have a feast. Make a large vegetable salad from whatever is ripe in your garden. Invite friends over to share the feast. Altar dinner. Altar dinner. Form a song circle and sing sacred songs together.

Haas. That's too silly. Bob girl! That was fucking infuriating. You did not agree! Why does my head hurt? All right, one more time. One more time, please, for Buff Girl.

We have so, so very much more for you. Things you haven't expected. Things you would not expect. Things I haven't expected, things you would not expect, things I, in fact, do not know about. Coming up, we're going to take a very, very quick break. I don't think any of us are drunk enough, although I appreciate the gentleman who brought me more liquor to help that happen. So we're going to take a quick break. I don't know, 5, 10, something like that,

and we will be back with more Finnish garbage. Stick around. Please do not escape.