The F Plus - live5b: F Plus Live 5 | The Finnish Incident | Part 2

Episode Date: November 5, 2016

The agony continues! With F Plus Live undaunted by Montrith's first selections, she reaches for incompehensible dialect, hardcore dorkporn, and selections of poetry. Did we mention the nuclear tipped Angry Birds? I'm pretty sure we've mentioned the Angry Birds. This is part two of three. Jack Chick's reading contains some very questionable dialogue and Kumquatxop's reading contains questionable everything. Boots Raingear gives a variety of pieces from a single author, and Bunnybread's ad is only in the video version.

we've got some more material for you. Yeah, I know. It's fucking surprising. I thought we would just do this and leave. But I think that we've probably broken out of... I don't think Montreth is following us anymore. So I think we're fine. I think we're all fine.

Oh, no. It is more terrifying Finnish music. fine. Oh no! It is more terrifying Finnish music! Oh my god, it's so ominous! Oh god, I'm scared! I forgot it! Kiitos, olen hyvä! Terve, dear plussit. Näyttää, ette ole vielä nukkuja.

Voinko tuoda vähän rauhoa siitä? Haluan, että kuuluu vahvaa, kun sanon sitä. Okei. Nukkuja. Okay. Insane. Insane. Insane. Yeah, that one. That's perfect. Okay, edit this part out. Don't send this part to them, okay? Insane.

Okay, two, three, and... Hello, DF+. It appears you aren't insane yet. This is most disappointing. Oh well, I guess I'll just give up then. I've delivered three terrible pieces of writing to you. I probably don't have anything else for you to read. Boo-hoo, I have been bested. Haha, you fools.

I have so much more agony for you. And your readers will read everything my choreo gives to them. Otherwise, I will launch the nuclear-tipped angry birds at the building, and you will all be dis- Wait, did I tell you about the Angry Birds earlier? God damn it. Why didn't any of you

tell me? Don't look at me like that. We're supposed to look like fucking professionals. I was playing Angry Birds. I was listening to terrible folk metal. You should have told me. Oh, it's my fault. None of you thought to remind me that... Okay, never mind. I have nuclear-tipped Angry Birds pointed at the building, and I will launch them if you do not read what my courier gives to you.

And it was always my intention to neglect to mention this until now. That sounds believable. Anyway, I'll be checking back in on you a little later when you're all in G-Day. Shit. Shit. Okay. Shit. Okay.

I believe there is more terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible material for us to read. I can't imagine why you're excited about this, but I think that it's all going to be on Jack Check! Jack! What the fuck is that? Oh, it's your package. Lemon, are you saying that you don't recognize an Elmo's World lunchbox? Don't you have like a child? We don't talk about Elmo. Oh, good.

I've got a glue stick. I'll just be saving that for later. We'll be eating that. That'll be good. Some paper, but fuck that shit, because I've got a whole bunch of crayons. This one says metallic, and that's close to Metallica, right?

Yay. They're a good band. Yeah, they sure are. They're a band. So, Jack Chick, what do you have there? I have a scroll. That must mean it's from the past. Well, so this... I am a professional.

I can do this. Sorry, Montra selected something for you. Yeah, so this is called Sting Kill. A Jack Raven story. However, that would be J4CKR4VE3N. Story. Oh, good. Now, I know that you all like Keld Shriver's work, so I think that this will just be pretty easy.

Keld Shriver? Keld Shriver. Oh, Keld Shriver. I like him, yeah. Yeah, he's famous on the Amazon Kindle store. I doubt that. All right, all right, all right, all right. So the first thing we're going to do is we're going to skip 120 pages.

Wait for it. Jack moved into the bar. There was a scattering of drinkers and diners. He could see a hacker in the corner, whip it thin, ironic T-shirt and Mac laptop open and typing. Whoa. Hackers.

What? Then he saw her. It was as if someone had asked for Jack's favorite type of woman and sent her to the place. Oh my God! White linen dress with short puffy sleeves, tanned, blonder brown hair up in ponytail, silver-hooped earrings. Jack's heart pumped faster. Stay calm. Be slightly disinterested, but from the first glance

was hooked and helpless. Hello again. Oh, hi. She stood up and kissed him on both cheeks. So just Oh, hi! No, no, no, there is no fucking sign

that there is actually dialogue here. Oh, you're right. It's the writer telling you, oh, hi! How the fuck did you get 150 pages into this thing? Her waft of perfume blew... Her waft of perfume blew open some synapses in Jack's erogenous zone of his brain. He hoped his aftershave did the same to hers. he hoped his aftershave did the same to hers.

Hello, Karate. If I may say, you scrub up pretty well. Fuck! So, I don't know. Travis, can you just dispose of this for me? Yeah, sure. Hey! Why don't you spit it out? It's good. Why, thank you.

She blushed and looked out to see. The view is beautiful. Yeah, no, she looked out to fucking see. What's the problem? We've established the fucking scene here. The view is beautiful, is it not? Yes, it certainly is. Jack held her glance for three seconds.

And from that, Jack knew he was in business. The waiter hovered over the table. Drinks, madame, sir? What are you having? Cure Royale. Yes, madame and sir? Absolute Citroën and tonic with Schweppes for me. Pause, pause.

Thanks, Montreux. thanks mantra please please read once again what that drink is absolute citroen and tonic with Schweppes enjoy Hey, it's probably not as bad as the paper I just ate That way I don't have to taste it more than once The waiter backed off into the distance Cure Royale.

Jack liked the choice. Classic with an edge. Frosty was at the bar holding court with a couple of the jet ski boys. Jet ski boys? Look, when I was growing up, I had all the jet ski boys books. Now, I'm pretty sure that you guys don't know what the scene is here,

so let me just read that again real quick. Frosty was at the bar holding court with a couple of the jet ski boys, one of them from the beach earlier. Okay, great, sure. Frosty looked over in Jack's direction. He held Jack's gaze. Jack knew he was possibly in for unwanted business later. He knew he was possibly in for unwanted business later.

Did you enjoy your swim today? Jack snapped back out of his imaginary fight and looked back at something more appealing. Yes, it was much needed. There was a lot of marine life out there, and the water is a perfect temperature. This area is amazing for diving. You been out? Yes, on some wrecks way out. Sharks, shoes, manta rays, turtles, dorados,

and a big jack. Hit the window! Sure. She lingered on the last phrase with her eyes locked on to hit i have no idea what's going on jack's heart started hammering at high speed as adrenaline pumped around his body it was a very powerful shape i glanced at it and it ellipsis took off Jack smiled. Where are you from? Jack searched deep inside her with a fixed gaze, scanning for any signs or clues.

I think that's the worst sentence I've read today. There's more pages. Do I have to read them? Yes. Yes, the whole thing with the Angry Birds, that really painstakingly... There was a funny graphic. It was going to be super funny.

There was drawings, but they were bad drawings. That was funny. I mean, Montreth told me to put the Angry Birds on the poster for a reason, so... Okay, okay, okay. I trust you. Swiss via New York. I am a lawyer at a small investment bank in Manhattan.

It's boring and hard work, but it's amazing Nope, sorry. It's boring and hard work, but it's an amazingly paid Jack downgraded her on hearing the L word. Damn, she still looks great, and you can't have it all. And you?

Jack came out with his standard line. Private security for corporates. Where? London or Paris, working in the Middle East or Africa. Sounds dangerous. It can be, but I manage the needs of the clients. I'm not on the front line. The waiter appeared with drinks.

You work in the Middle East or Africa? Yes. Okay. Do you know which in the Middle East or Africa? Yes. Okay. Do you know which? You don't know which? No. Okay. They're basically the same thing.

You know, sometimes it's for business, sometimes it's for pleasure. You know, apparently these pages were stuck together, and I would hate if this didn't make any sense. What? You know, I think I hear an angry bird coming towards our place. Okay, okay, okay, I got this. Okay, here we go. For you, madam, and you, sir, enjoy. Jack took a decent polo to his vodka and tonic. Clarissa sipped hers, not taking her eyes off Jack.

Good choice. It's my favorite. What are you doing on the island? A fair question. I'm taking a couple of weeks off and looking after a villa, and until this afternoon to talk. You didn't find it? Afraid not. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. It's not like I can go and buy a new one to replace it. Well, it's a fairly small island.

It must be somewhere. It's a real drag for me not to go looking all over the island. Take a breath. And enjoy the text that you're reading. For all of us. I'll do one of those things. Good idea. It's going to get hungry and then just reappear.

The con... No, no. Don't worry. The next sentence will explain everything. The conversation was flowing, but it was conservative sparring. That didn't do the thing that you said it would. Jack decided to up the ante?

Nope. They finished their drinks and Jack ordered another round? Okay. Sensible. Jack told anecdotes that were safe, but after he would penetrate Clarissa with a smile and stare. Now wait just a damn minute.

You have to be extra creepy to penetrate somebody with your smile. Smile. He was pushing it. Two rounds later, he was being more suggestive and she was playing ball. They ordered Jack a steak, Clarissa a shrimp salad. They had a bottle of Chablis followed by another.

another. Wow. That's what grosses you out? After dinner, they took their nightcaps, an amaretto on the rocks for him, and a limoncello for her down on the beach. I'm just saying, an amaretto on the fucking rocks? You were grossed out by the earlier thing?

So at least five amaretto roasts. Especially on the rocks. It's heaven. Frosty and the jet ski boys had long gone. One last thing to worry about. They laid down in the shadow of the beach bar veranda and gazed out at the electrical storm on the horizon. The dark, tall clouds move slowly along the horizon black at the bottom

graduating to a light gray at the top? I don't think they did do that, actually. They can do that. I don't know what that fucking means, though. It's not so much of a graduation, but just kind of like coasting through with a C-. Okay.

Lightning illuminated the base of the clouds with a sparky flash and a faint crack. They rolled towards each other, tongues dancing and sparring. Oh, I see where this is going now. Great. I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you. Her body felt firm and hot. His was firmer and hotter. Oh yeah? Well, I'm firmer than hotter!

Suddenly, she seemed keen to get back to her villa. They walked up the road, and after a few minutes, she was unlocking the door and headed straight into the bedroom. She stripped Jack off. She... You're like halfway there. You're like halfway there. You were like halfway there. Her took her dress off.

Fast mover. He was not disappointed. Her firm tanned body was perfect. Her bikini lines showed a... They showed the bikini line. The bikini line showed...

Her bikini lines showed a film negative on her body. Nope. Nope. I don't believe it. Suddenly, he felt dizzy jack slumped onto the bed as quick as a flash a dark shape sprang out from behind the bedroom curtain flashing wire wrapped around jack's neck and started to tighten jack came to is his okay sure that's what you're into?

I'm excited. Jack came to as his head and face felt burning. He snapped out of his drug state and focused. He swung his legs and scissored his assailant over... Lemon, I didn't get the wire around you. You gotta hold on here. Yeah, foreplay.

We live in a society. He swung his legs and scissored his assailant over with the power of his legs. Push, push, get focused! Push, push, get focused This gave him a split second To get his hands under the fishing wire And pull it quickly over his head Both panting, they lay silent for a split second

Frosty was up first To kick Jack in the face Jack flew off the bed onto the floor Frosty, he was introduced He was introduced on like page one or page two Here's what I know about him, his name. Frosty. He was introduced. He was introduced on like page one or page two. Here's what I know about him. His name is Frosty. And he's

associated with the Jet Ski Boys. What them Jet Ski Boys up to tonight? How the Jet Ski Boys gonna get out of this one. Boss hacker is like stomping on his hat. Frosty was up first to kick Jack in the face. Jack flew off the bed onto the floor.

Frosty was on him, beating his face. I don't know. I have no idea how to pronounce that. Okay, I got this. You wanna party, boy-y? Boy-y? How is boy spelled there? That would be B-W-O-Y-E. Oh, yeah, you did that.

Yeah, you did that right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh? You get licks, boy? Yeah? Frosty rained punches down, and Jack, with his defenses down, parried what he could. Bam, bam, bam, big fist up, then down, slam, slam, slam! I'm kicking your ass with my onomatopoeia.

Oh, my God. He's actually not even fighting him. He's just yelling at him. Yeah. You got to hit him, Rock. There's no way to tell. Jack's face was toughened by the previous fighting. See and son.

Smash, smash, smash. Block, Perry, block! It's like a 1960s Batman scene given words. One huge blow came and Jack blocked and pushed Frosty so his bottom momentum took him over to the side of Jack. Jack, no, I don't know either, but that's fine.

It's fine. It's action. It's good. It's chaotic. Jack pushed him off, stood up, and kicked him with his huge swing to the head. Yes. Okay. Frosty spluttered.

Jack saw a lampshade on the table, ripped it out, and smashed it on Frosty's head! Oh! I got it on a lampshade! Eeeerrg! Frosty slumped to the floor and fell silent. Jack stood over Frosty, his head swimming with drugs.

As he stood there, he was hit with a powerful blow to the back of the head. He fell onto the bed. You wanna take me now, boy? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, Gwon, down! Ha, ha, ha, ha-ha-ha-ha!

It was the jet ski man from the beach! Who he had seen with Frosty. Jack's head was in a bad way. The man dropped the kosh and got out a Balinese butterfly knife. I gon' cut you, boy. Slice oop. Ya boy, you gon' sleep sleep. Oh my god just as good as

guan labilis somewhere inside of me is a part that's offended for the other parts enjoy the english language Somewhere inside of me is a part that's offended. All the other parts enjoy it. The English language. For those out in the audience, Guan is spelled G-W-A-N.

He lunged at Jack, but Jack had enough energy to roll and punch him in the head with a side punch. Aye! Jack had enough energy to roll and punch him in the head with a side punch. You're welcome, Boots. Also, that's coming up in another line, so. You're welcome. The man dropped the knife and Jack scrambled for the knife and drove it into the man's neck. No! and Jack scrambled for the knife and drove it into the man's neck.

No! Does he come from the land of ice and snow? No, that would be... Totally different. Blood spurted over Jack in long streams of thick bark blood. The man made a hissing sound and his body kicked and spasmed in a death rattle. Jack pushed he knife in hard and the man's soul started leaving. Jack saw a young blood.

Goodbye. Goodbye. I did not have enough breath to finish that sentence. Jack pushed he knife in hard and the man's soul started leaving. Jack saw a young boy playing on the beach the last time he was happy. I see it. I see it. It's beautiful. It's actually really poetic. It really is.

Yeah. He drove the knife in harder. He felt his pain but pushed through it. The man twisted his face and excelled in a noisy, spluttering gurgle. He put his full weight on the knife for several more seconds. Jack stood up and got his breathe back.

He walked over to the bathroom. Yeah, it's how Jack got his breathe back. Come on. It's a famous film. C-minus joke, but I loved hearing it twice. So, Lemon, I'd like to introduce you to this podcast called The F Plus. Hey, what happens when The F Plus

encounters a dead horse? We beat the fuck out of it. Yeah. Yeah. horse. We beat the fuck out of it. Yeah. He walked over to the bathroom, which was locked. He banged on the door. Let me in. No

answer. Jack took a few steps back and shoulder charged the door, which gave way easily. Cowering behind the door was Clarissa. Please don't hurt me. Who put you up to this? I can't tell you. They will hurt me if I do. Tell me or don't hurt me. Who put you up to this? I can't tell you. They will hurt me if I do. Tell me or I will hurt you.

Max Headroom now? Why not? Jack made a fix and held it up threateningly. A Chinese man in New York. I didn't know this would happen. They told me to seduce you. Please. I didn't know this would happen.

I'm scared. I'm a high class escort from New York. Jack looked at her and made a decision. He was unconscious before she hit the floor. She was unconscious before she hit the floor. I'm sorry.

Part of this didn't make any sense. Who knew the writing would be bad? Those paragraphs are really short, though. But there's a lot of them. Oh, boy, is there a lot of them. Jack splashed water and wiped the blood off his face and exited onto the beach and walked quickly away to Andy's, looking back every few seconds.

Andy was waiting on the veranda. Listen to me. I don't know how they found out you were here, but I have nothing to do with it. How did you get to the airfield? An old Chevy. That sounds derogatory. No, he just gave him the literal answer. Jack's mind was racing with all the options.

He was computing all scenarios in seconds. There were several progress bars in his head all waiting for results. Fuck, you were right! Stog, did you give him one of your pages? Okay, I got this. There were several progress bars in his head all waiting for results to come back.

Andy broke the heavy silence. They must have found the Chevy and traced the flight to Anguilla, and I didn't remind you I have integrity with the people that count, and you are one of them. We have history. I would not stiff you, Jack. Jack, breakneck analysis, all the options can't come up with any more plausible than Andy's theory?

No, that is not a sentence. Go back to school. It ended with a period. It not a sentence. Go back to school. It ended with a period. It's a sentence. Oh, you're right. You're right. I forgot that's the criteria. Andy treated Jack's shoulder with antiseptic and bandages?

Yeah, just like in Metal Gear Solid 3. Hey, Boots. Just a... Isfahan? You might want to turn the audio down a little bit right now. Aye! Aye! It hurts like hell a sharp stabbing pain that's a sentence after a few moments it felt better

jack thought it through again andy was right andy was a mercenary and would get the cash off anyone but he wouldn't cross that line. They must have found the Chevy and done the intel. Well, they must be on their way here if that's the case. They would have traced all flights out, and it wouldn't have taken them long to see one passenger out to Anguilla. Jack went into planning mode pretty quickly. And, thankfully...

This is the last page. You need to get off this island, Jack. I'll prepare you a bag. Andrew, you may... 92 pages of bag packing. I need my big ball Andy may be a crazy scatterbrained hacker but he was very organized when it came to it Jack ran through everything he would need

I need cash, a waterproof phone, a rucksack water, space blanket, some power bars, a knife, a magic key? I mean, if you have one, you should pack it. I'm not disagreeing. Bloody hell, anything else? Andy scuttles off, tutting and mumbling. He comes back with a rucksack,

5K cash, a slightly battered jailbroken iPhone with a waterproof case. It's still... Yeah, no, that's important. It's just... What? It's still bloody expensive,

so don't lose it. Jack looked at Andy. That was a joke. Hilarious. Yeah! Jack, check! One more, one more. Jack, check!

Jack! Jack, Jack! Sting kill. A Jafork Rafforthian story. Matra sent me to that, by the way, and the cover doesn't say that at all. Oh, shit. Okay, okay, okay, okay, and the cover doesn't say that at all. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. I'm just going to feel the chi of this room. I'm just going to get a little bit of a slow. No, that looks nice. That looks, well. Hmm.

You know what this room needs? You know what this room needs? You know what this room needs right now? This room needs Kupquats! Hello. Hello, yeah. Yeah. That is a large box. That is a large box. That is a large box the courier has. Are you going to open it for me? No, that's not what a courier does.

I fucking deliver. You seem kind of rude for a Finn. Fuck you. Good point. Good point. What the fuck is... Okay. Alright, there's an envelope in here.

Federation of Ontario Naturalists? That makes sense. Three, five, five, let's go. We're back from that black part where we just beep! Kumquat's up.

What do you have there? Nintendo fans lust Yeah By whom? By Josh Cube From LiveJjournal.com! Yeah!

In the final room, I was up against Bowser, Ganon, and Mother Brain. Oh, no! Mother Brain! With my final blow, I sent all of them flying far away out of the castle, and bam, they were gone. Yeah! Yay! Kankwaza!

I had defeated them with my final blow! Yeah! Thanks! It's called foreshadowing. Later on that night, I walked back to Peach's castle to talk to Peach, Zelda, and Samus about my accomplishment. I got to the door and opened it, and they were sitting at a table inside the room. Can I skip this cutscene? Peach says,

Josh! Josh says, Hey! What a suave motherfucker. Josh says, hey! What a suave motherfucker. Zelda says, so you beat them all right on! Josh, yeah, wasn't that hard just doing my work being a loyal Nintendo fan? Samus says, well, next time, maybe we can help you.

Josh says, nah, it's fine. I went over and sat over on the bed while Peach, Zelda, and Samus were still at the table. Josh says, oh, man, I'm tired. What do I do for a massage? Peach says, oh, man, I am tired. What do I do for a massage? Peach says,

Oh, and you run just to do it? Sir, your happy ending is in another castle. Josh says, Well, I don't really mind who does. I just would like one. Well, I am't really mind who does. I just would like one. Well, I am an expert at keeping the body fresh and healthy with massages. Samus came over to the bed and sat down and started rubbing my back.

Yay, one of the pages is gone. Jaws says, Oh, yeah, that's great, Samus. You're an angel. How to love us over there, Boots. Okay, what was the fight? Really good. Like this.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Zelda and Peach came over to the bed. Zelda! I will work you arms! Peach can do something else, Mabby! Josh! That's fine!

That's fine! I had noticed I was on my back as they flipped me over, and all three girls were on the bed with me massaging me. I don't mind how you girls do it. All of a sudden, Samus slowly started rubbing my stomach. Then she slowly went for my underwear. Samus, what are you doing? Massaging you! Yeah, that works.

Yeah, yeah. It's just a massage. It's fine. But I... Then she started to go lower. Then she started to go lower To where my dick was Oh my goodness Samus I started to blush really red

Zelda and Peach then wrapped their arms around me and kissed me on my cheeks. After that, they started undressing. Samus started to take my clothes off. Now we're all laying on our undies and panties. Undies and panties. Yes, correct. Two different species. Both of those things.

Josh, get ready for the night of your life. That was Peach. Okay, okay, thanks. Thanks. Josh, get ready for the night of your life. That was Peach. Okay, thanks. Hello. Kumquat's up as many female voices. Hello. Summer slid my underwear down and my dick was sticking up.

Oh my god. Dick was sticking up. Oh, my God! She started rubbing it and then started sucking on it! Yeah! Everyone took their clothes off Poof That might have been Jack Chick's drink Nope, mine were over on the left That might have been Jack Check's drink.

Nope, mine were over on the left. Let me kiss it too. Oh, guys, I'm really impressed now. This is my first time. Here is some sucking for you, Joshy. Zelda started sucking on my cock as I saw her cheeks suck in. And she closed her eyes and moved her

mouth up and down. Then Samus started sucking my cock and did the same. He's like Tails, but he has two cocks. Samus. Well, I think it's time for the next step, gals. As Samus said with a smile on her face, Peach went over to Whisper in their ears.

Let me go first. Okay. They had stopped whispering, and then Zelda came up to my face part I will assemble a face later I don't understand why you guys are laughing Zelda came up to my face part And laid next to me Peach climbed up on top of me and laid next to me.

Peach climbed up on top of me and grabbed my dick. Wee, guys! I'm a virgin! Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah! I'm also Kathy!

This is a remarkable recreation of my first time. You should be in fucking prison. I plead the fifth. No, that doesn't work. Why would that help? Peach grabbed my dick and shoved it inside her pussy, taking my virginity. Psych!

Poof! I went in shock and gasp as my eyes widened as my dick finally got inside the depths of a pussy. After all these years, Peach... 58 of them, if you're counting.

No. Peach sat on top of me and started to bounce up and down on me as my dick was feeling the fast walls. What? Inside her pussy. She's got really quick walls. Her pussy walls are quick. Yeah. Yeah.

You've heard that Ply song, right? I have heard that Ply song. Hit the turbo button. It was the greatest feeling ever. Ah! This feels so good! You like it, huh?

I knew you would, you little pervert. It was time for me to make the decisions. I'm assuming Nintendo fan-lust writers always make good decisions. Obviously. I wanted to fuck Zelda now and wanted Peach and

Samus to turn on, to turn me on even more. So Zelda scooted next to me as I got up in a doggy style position and so did she. I grabbed Zelda's fine ass and I shoved my dick inside her and started to stroke her. As I was stroking Zelda, Peach got to the front of Zelda and opened her legs and

scooted next to Zelda's face. Zelda's went lower as I fucked her and then she started to lick Peach's pussy which turned me on even more and then I started to fuck Zelda faster. Samus then sat her ass on top of Peach and let Peach lick her pussy which turned me

on even more as I was fucking a girl that was putting on a pussy licking show for me. I started getting so horny that I was on level three!

Which was the state where I wanted to come. It's dangerous to come alone, fuck this. I wanna come, but I want to get my chivos. But since I haven't fucked Samus yet, I would want to let my load in her. so I got Samus and went up to her body and bent my legs her legs in the air with her ass facing

upwards I then stuck my dick inside her and I was getting such a big orgasm from this I don't think that's how that works such a big orgasm from this. I don't think that's how that works. Sheer Nintendo power. I never thought it was... Peach. Peach went up to Samus' face

and the licking continued. I got to the point I was getting so fucking horny that I was going to blast my cum right straight into Samus' pussy. I am coming soon. I have to pull. Well, pull then. Do you want me to? Nah, it's under control. Huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh? No, Josh. Huh? Blast your fucking cum right in my pussy, blast your love down my hole! Huh? Don't mess with his mind like that, or you will. It's no problem. It is under control.

I was ramming my dick inside Samus faster and faster and faster and faster, and my body shifted toward her tender ass. I was fucking her so fast I was like a starved Metroid without blood for days. Samus's breasts bound up and down, and he's laying on the bed, and I constantly ramambling like a fucking jackhammer at a construction site. I'm gonna come.

Do it. Shoot every last fucking drop inside me. Eeeeee aaaaaaah g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g I slowly looked at my I slowly looked at my... Sorry. Slowly looked at your? I slowly looked at my deck. Slowly.

You turned the fucking deck. Damn. As we heard a few splats, splurts, and funny bubbling noises. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes. Yes. Yes. Cum started oozing out of the cracks of her pussy and I slowly What did you do?

The cracks. You don't know about the cracks of the pussy? What did you do? The cracks. You don't know about the cracks of the pussy? And I slowly pulled my long, huge dick from her pussy. And as I pulled it out, a stream of cum came dripping off of my dick from the hole of her pussy. Yeah, from the hole. Just from the hole part.

Wait, I thought it was coming out the cracks. No, no, no. It was leaking out the cracks. You don't know how this works. Pussy amateur. Fuck. Oh, sorry. Hang on. Hang on for this verb here. No. No, I really don't want to do that. It came dripping off of my dick from the hole of her pussy

as it limped down against the bed. The cum. The cum was the thing that was limping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep on cumming. Cum was dripping off my dick as her pussy got filled with cum. Come.

After I filled her hole, I went and put my mouth on her pussy and told her to cum. She cummed right into my mouth. You don't know how this works. Look, none of you fucking know how the female orgasm happens. You tell a girl to cum and she cums. That's how this works. Look, none of you fucking know how the female orgasm happens. You tell a girl to cum and she cums. That's how it works.

Oh, oh. No, no, no, no, no. Hang on for this noun. Okay. And I drank her pussy cum. I'm sorry, what was that? I didn't hear that right. That would be pussy dash cum.

What do you do with that pussy cum? And then swallowed it. That's romantic. Parentheses. Yummy. Yummy. But I wasn't done yet. Why not? I wanted to fill Peach and Zelda.

I'm a virgin, but I'm going to fuck three girls in one night. Yeah. Can I feel some also? Sure! I got Zelda in a doggy style, and now it was time to blast the second load in her. I started jerking into her faster and faster and faster as my dick got horny again.

I loved the feeling of my dick slamming against the walls of this princess. Yes! I loved the feeling of my dick slamming against the walls of this princess. Peach and Samus wanted to start fisting. What? What? Is it fisting time yet? Should we do the fisting now?

Yeah, I think it's time to do the fisting. No, no, no. It's half the fisting now yeah i think it's time to do the fisting no no no it's half past fisting let's fist again uh wanted to start fisting while i fucked her so they began all right you do that's yeah you do all right uh let me let me can you he's gonna join you in the chant can you demonstrate here Yeah, you do. Alright. Nobody's going to join you in that chant. Can you demonstrate here? Samus gripped both her hands. Yeah.

Okay. Alright. And then shoved her first into her pussy. Whoa! Jesus! And then pussy and then she worked her other her other first into her asshole yeah yeah yeah yep she kept fisting peaches. Peach felt a big orgasm and then started cumming.

Samus pulled out the first fist from her pussy, and it dripped with peaches cum. Then Samus pulled out the second fist from the other hole, and it was dry? No. Ah, yes, yes. With a final thrust, I shot my second load into Zelda, and it squirted deep into her vagina. I think that's the first time we've heard that word.

I think it is. She collapsed on the bed, and a stream of cum went on the bed. the bed and a stream of cum went on the bed. Pigeon Samus went to Zelda's pussy and she sprayed them with cum and it dripped off their faces. I long for the part when cum

was leaking out of her pussy now. Me too, man. Wasn't it nice when this story wasn't gross? They licked each drop of her cum by licking each other's fingers and putting them into each other's mouths. Okay, I'm next. Peached. Peached.

Peached. Probably. Probably. Peach.io laid down on the bed on her side and I grabbed one of her leg and held it up as I scooted my body towards

her. Then I shoved my dick inside her and started screwing her good. You know what? That's a good distinction because you were doing it really poorly. Oh, Josh. I did her fast.

Yes. And then unleashed my cum into her hole also and then pulled out a stream of cum went on the bed. I commanded Peach to cum on my dick and she opened her pussy and then blasted a bunch of her pussy cum onto my hard dick. Do these words mean anything anymore?

One last thing I wanted to try. Good. Oh, good. one last thing i wanted to try oh good uh hey can we please not try that can we get a little kinky uh there are parentheses here uh i'm gonna pronounce the parentheses differently since i don't know how to differentiate them. One last thing I want to draw. Since this is Nintendo World and you can pretty much do anything. I put my fingers toward my head and closed my eyes and jumped by

orgasm level up a notch. Oh my god. Using using using the Nintendo Power. After that, I slammed my dick into Zelda's pussy and filled it up with gung.

my dick into Zelda's pussy and filled it up with gung. Then she got another orgasm and I told her to aim in the air? This is now a... Put that cum up in the air. This is now a theme park. Put your cum up. This is now a theme park. She aimed in the air and shot gushes of cum and pussy cum. Straight in the air, which also hit the fan.

All right. Hang on. Okay. It hit the fan and and Rick Ashade R-I-C-K-A-S-H-A-Y-E-D like a man named Rick A. Shade

off the fan, onto walls, the bed, and onto us and everywhere. Please be done. Please be done. Please be done. Don't blame me, motherfucker. I got some bad news for both of you. I grabbed Peach, Zelda, and Samus' heads and opened each of their mouths.

I stuck my dick into Peach's mouth and shot inside her. One for you! Then I stuck my dick into Zelda's mouth and shot inside her. One for you! And then I stuck my dick into Zelda's mouth and shot inside her. One for you! Then I stuck my dick in his mouth and shot inside her. One for you! And then I stuck my dick in his mouth and shot inside her. And one for you! Oh!

I'm cross-eyed! Oh my god. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. No. There's a bunch more gross shit. We all feel asleep on the bed as the girls hug me, and I hugged them. The night drifted away and also the soft winds blowed. A few months passed. All of the girls got pregnant

and I had to force them Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. You go in that corner and you think about what you did. All the girls got pregnant And I had to force them to take the pill It was the greatest experience a Nintendo fan ever had! Whoa!

Whoa! I fucked each one of them good. And that, my friends, was the final level. What the fuck? Fuck! Fuck! Come Quats Up!

Come Quats Up! Not his fault. Why are you clapping? One more time for Comeumbh Khawasat, please. My friend who's been working the audio over here, he's a good friend of mine, a special friend of mine. His name is Boots Reindeer! Reindeer! Again and again I've taken too much Of the things that cost you too much

I used to think that the day would never come I'd see the light in the shade of the morning sun My morning sun is a truck that brings me It is a boot with adventure time all over it. It doesn't smell great. Okay. But there's material inside of it, so that's exciting. So that's exciting. So Boots, tell me what the courier has brought for you. Okay, so it says,

To begin a poem by S. Rob. Not as one. Perfect present. Package arrives. Sent thing inside. Mystery unseen. Or so it seems. Tearing paper I look at.

The outside of the box is that. Which I see within inside I peer at my hands holding the side Parceled up within is me If I were to climb to see Would I look at my backside? Can I see the back of my head? Is the world

just past my leg? I have everything as a gift. God am I. Okay. And now, a selection from Business Witchcraft. A book of spells by S. Rob. So, we start where we usually start, chapter two.

I do understand that the world is harsh and that business is not always easy for people. This is because the world can be a hard and difficult place. And any ideas that the world is usually easy can be very quickly shattered like a china plate dropped onto concrete. The world isn't just difficult. This isn't a poem. Stop snapping, you motherfuckers!

Fair enough. Humans have always destroyed other humans or wrecked their plans. But what is important is that the plans that are wrecked aren't your plans. No, no, no. It's not a rhyme.

It's plans and plans. Fuck off. No, no, no, no, no. It's not a rhyme. It's plans and plans. Fuck off. Sometimes situations are win-win, but sometimes there is, by necessity, a winner and a loser.

The only really important thing here is that you win, and you do so in a legal way. But whereas the mundane realm sometimes only... Thanks. I'm sorry. Sorry.

But whereas the mundane realm sometimes only seems to have so many options, the occult world doesn't. There are many more options at the hands of the occultist than there are at the hands of the one who doesn't practice the occult arts. This is easiest described

by thinking of the darkest thing a human can do. Murder. Murder is illegal in every way except the occult. Yeah! Oh, it's occult. An occultist can easily destroy another using a curse and not get blamed.

And even if the person admitted it, there is no law in most countries that could be used against them. It was an occult murder. He's fine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

This means the things that would be illegal in other ways are in fact only possible immoral, oh, only possibly immoral when utilizing the occult. However, what isn't always known is that one can curse an entity such as a business. In fact, the ancient Greeks used to have secret real names for places so that a person could only curse the place if they knew the secret real name. I will again utilize the goddess Aine because wealth is very much her domain

and we all really need is wealth pulled from the rival business, and so here is a curse for a competitor's business. Curse to be used against a rival business. Grant Aine, vengeance against my rival. Let state rival company's name Lose money

Fuck state rival company Stab it in the money sack Take that Staples Let their It's okay Staples is not Finnish Let their destruction happen now May their bones break And their computers blow now May their bones break And their computers blow

The company's bones? Their company bones? Their company bones Company bones were an inside job And nothing shall ever be as before So it will be, oh Ayn This curse is powerful. Was that like the curse hype man behind you?

Yeah. That was powerful. And now another poem by S. Rob. And now another poem by S. Rob. Death for Castle. Stone castle red, colored by bodies long dead. Erected tall by dead men all. Fire it burns and blood it bleeds.

Flesh torn will transform it all. If ever the castle were torn or falls, a larger will build turrets and all. More people dead. Inside my head I pray it's immoral. Evil it brings when time comes

it falls. Humans are cruel and life is worth less than land or great wealth, hills and lakes. A kingdom if why people fall. The greedy they live. Poor men do die. When fiery pit these men do fall. The rich but poor too

will burn engulfed with flames too tall To ever stand above them all The castle, it will fall Suffering shall never end with endless screaming suffering. Why is it you fight at all? Same poem? Same poem?

Oh shit, bring that poem out for the encore. There's a new page and it says, this is a selection from the Internet Love Spellbook by S. Rob. We're starting in chapter one this time. This book is about how love and the getting of it. Sorry, this book is about love and the getting of it. But love is no longer just at first sight.

It is also possible at first type. Over... No. Over the internet. Fuck you! This means that within the magic here... Sorry. Terrible mistake. A little bit of that

reading came back up on you, didn't it? This means that within the magick here, you will be identifying other people using their name, but also their email address and even by the names they use on forums. Curse you, curse your house, and curse your email. None of us are safe.

But there's one more thing that you need to accept, and yet, although this information is not yet something that officialdom has agreed to admit. Officialdom? Officialdom. Fuck you. One. It will not be shocking to anyone. The internet is self-aware. By this, I mean that the internet itself

is intelligent. It clearly isn't. Have you seen Reddit? It is not self-aware. And thank God. It is intelligent and could be thought of as a form of intelligent life. It's on the paper.

It's fact. Start arguing. This is also seen in the search engines that we use on the internet. And although I believe that the internet itself would rather we did not know its intellect or that it even exists as an intelligent force, it is possible to communicate with it. With the internet

itself. Oh yeah, Yahoo Answers. We haven't got there yet. We're only on chapter one. It is a fact that sometimes if you choose a search engine and type into searching phrases that tell you that you know it is

intelligent and that it is okay after sometimes say five minutes or thereabouts the most strangest of things a spontaneous thing a search made by the search engine without you asking for without you asking and for something you did not ask for

it displays its presence by showing you what you did not ask for. It displays its presence by showing you what you did not look for. That's called auto-complete. I didn't search for water balls. And yet they still showed up in my house. And if you want to experience this phenomenon at home, go to damn.dog. Wrong one.

That was idiots.win. Oh. Well, do both. I don't fucking know. It displays its presence by showing you what you did not look for. After all, as a search engine, helps you find many things you were looking for.

No shit. Okay, and then after chapter one, there's chapter four. We got a subheading. Aphrodite and the internet for a chosen person to find naked pictures of you attractive. Dear Google,

how do I find titties? This isn't gross. Okay. We start with an aside, which means I'm going to face Lemon. All righty. You should perform this magic in front of a computer connected to the Internet. You should also light your red candle. I usually do. Yeah. You should also light magic in front of a computer connected to the internet. You should also light your red candle.

You should also light your red candle or put it on the screen, the picture or video or a red lit candle. You will also need a piece of paper and a pen if your candle is real. Okay, back to you guys. Hermes, you have the power over trade, travel, borders. You are a guide to the underworld and messenger, a god. I ask you to help me now.

Hermes, go to the place that is the internet. Hermes traveled to Google Chrome. To place its ability to think its thoughts are real and manifest but to make a portal from there. To here, so that both are connected and both lie here. Hermes, go to the realm of the internet and bring back a tunnel so that the contact between the two worlds is possible.

Hermes leaves and then comes back again. Oh, my God. There's nothing in the text differentiating what's a command and what's a narrative or what the fuck is happening. Question ask Rob. Hey. Hermes leaves and then comes back again because he has made a portal from the internet's thoughts to here. I, whose name is state your name, call from the land of the physical to you, the internet.

land of the physical. To you, the internet. You, who I know are self-aware, to asks you to make list name of chosen person, email address, name on forums, and name of these forums. Find all the naked pictures of me. No, no, sorry.

Alright. The intonation wrong. Find all the naked pictures of me incredibly attractive. Hey, baby, you like skin tags? By only showing them pictures of people less attractive in all internet searches.

Oh, shit. You're not making yourself more attractive. You're making everyone else ugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best. I'm fucking on board with this. I need it.

Shit. SEO's gone fucking weird. It's a weird thing. I ask that you thin the border from the other realm to here so that Aphrodite love goddess can step through. Hermes, thin the border from the other realm to here so that Aphrodite love goddess can step through. Hermes, thin the border. Thin the border more.

The border is thinned. It is gone. Thanks, Hermes. Good job, Hermes. That was fucking fast, buddy. A little bit more, Hermes. Come just get. You got it.

Aphrodite, love goddess Step through the border to this world and be here With me Aphrodite steps through the border and is here with me Aphrodite, you with the power over love Beauty, sex, pleasure, and procreation I ask that you get List, name of chosen person,

email address, name used on forum, and name of these forums to find all naked pictures of me attractive. Yeah, I know. I just talked to Hermes. Leave me alone. So that they will desire me strongly. And to do this via communication so that they will desire me strongly.

Oh, I don't know how to read. On the internet, this is what I ask of you. I place these words beneath this candle, write on the paper or text file, Aphrodite get list name of chosen person, email address, name used on forums, and name of these forums, to find

naked pictures of me attractive. And place it below the candle, or in the same folder as the candle file knowing this magic will call to you the internet has heard and agrees to act The internet has heard and agrees to act. Aphrodite agrees and departs through the border. Hermes, you have power over trade, travel, borders. You are a guide to the underworld, a messenger, a god.

I ask that you help me now. Hermes, go to the place that is the internet. To the place... I was just fucking there! To the place... I used to give messages to the place I was just fucking there! to the place I used to give messages to the fucking gods! to the place its abilities to think its thoughts are real than that you close to the portal from there

to here so that both are separate Hermes, close the portal from here so that the internet has no tunnel so that contact between the two worlds has ceased in this way. Hermes shuts the tunnel. Hermes, thicken the border between this world and the other. Close the border to the other realm. Shut it closed.

The border is closed. It is shut. Here and now, all borders and ways to the other ways, whether the internet of the real... Back to Canada! It's very much like Canada here. Don't kid yourselves.

Back to you, Lemon. You should leave the paper under the candle or the text file in the same folder as the picture or video of the lit red candle for at least 10 minutes. And then where? Where does it go after that? If it is virtual, you can leave it there longer.

The magic you have learned here will make the way to love or lust very much easier than it would be otherwise. very much easier than it would be otherwise. But whether you wish to send or receive a naked picture of another friend, that's what we're talking about, should be your choice and theirs

with both parties agreeable. But if this is the case, then there is little harm other than that naked picture could be posted over the whole internet in a small amount of time. All right, this is yet another poem

by S. Rob. This poem's titled, Why Religion is Crap. Alright, I'm good. I cannot ask God for a lottery win for greed is a mortal sin I cannot ask God for naked girls for lust is a sin of this world I cannot ask for a Ferrari car and then covetousness is not that far

Catholicism is really crap Covetousness is not that far. Catholicism is really crap. For all the things you cannot ask, a smaller list exists of things so crap you would not list. If I made a religion now, I would make a god. Oh, wow. Sheep. Where prayers were answered, not for the few.

A DVD, a new flash car, a live-in maid would not be far. People could ask for anything. The church is full. As I would grant most anything, religion, it is awful bad. Instead, I will not pray today as God did not give me a win yesterday.

Alright, here's... No, we're on the homestretch here. A selection from Black Coffin Death Magic by S. Rob. Yes! That's a terrible Red Hot Chili Peppers album. Oh, that's a terrible Red Hot Chili Peppers album. Oh, that's the terrible

Red Hot Chili Peppers album. That's a terrible one. I will be showing you how to open and close the gates of hell so that you can summon the Grim Reaper. But it is the Grim Reaper power that goes within the box from which you will now be called

the Cemetery Box. But to help empower the box, you will also need a small amount of salt and some water. This small amount of salt, little more than a pinch, will be needed to be in a bowl. To perform the first ritual that follows,

you will need the cemetery box and the salt and the water. Cemetery box, first empowerment. You will need the salt and the water in the cemetery box. The salt should be directly below you. Hold the salt in the bowl right up below your mouth. Yeah, and then say the word Lucifer 108 times. Hold the salt in the bowl right up below your mouth. Yeah, and then say the word Lucifer 108 times. Lucifer.

Fuck, 109. Fuck. No, no, stop. And one final poem. by S. Rob. It's called Internet Server. Server slow. So slow the web page will not show. I should go

go watch a TV show. Somehow I know the webpage will not show. I do not go. I still hope it will show. It does not load.

I sentence show up. I should click to show. I click. And still the webpage does not show. My anger grows. I scream, punch the table. And kick it with my toe. I go watch a TV show.

It is not as the listing shows. I should go. Boots, rain gear! Boots, rain, gear! That was my friend, Boots, rain, gear. Oh, my God. What a fucking night this is. Are you all having as much fun as I am?

That's terrific. I don't know if you're having exactly as much fun as I am. But we're going to be coming back to this after one more quick break. And we've got three more things from three more readers. And they'll probably all be fine and normal. It'll probably be pretty good. It'll be good writing. You'll be like, ooh, that's good writing.

And they'll be like, I know it's good writing. Obviously, we just saved it. We read a bunch of bullshit. And then all of of a sudden we accidentally read good things at the end alright we're going to have a quick break come on back applause