The F Plus - live6a: F Plus Live 6 | Conjuring Satan | Part 1

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

The F Plus Live 6 is the biggest and most dangerous F Plus Live in history. After explaining the premise of the show, Lemon starts out handing out documents (or "spells"), and the audience quickly learns there's going to be a lot to wrap your head around. Bunnybread: A Story of Dirt Eating from Experience Project Achilles' Heelies: A selection of poetry from Authors Den STOG: THE P(H)ANTOM! Jack Chick: some spells and magic from Spells And Magic Boots Raingear: Reiki Healing Increases Sex Power & Orgasm This is part 1. Part 2 is here.

Let's do a live show! Yeah! Minneapolis, this is the F Plus Live. Our sixth F Plus Live, mostly annual except for that one year. And this is our biggest F Plus Live ever. We have more people in this stage than ever. We have more people getting drunk than ever. We have a fog machine. We have a fog machine.

I don't care. The fog is real. And to that end, we're going to do the only appropriate thing that anyone would do in the situation. We will summon Satan. Satan! I hold in my hands a book of documents or spells of internet writing so terrible so earth shatteringly awful so hideously pornographic of internet writing. So terrible.

So earth-shatteringly awful. So hideously pornographic as to shake the bounds of this earth and summon forth the ultimate evil to enslave us all. Now, of course, some people have asked me, Lemon, why would you summon Satan? I think the answer's obvious. We don't need to discuss it anymore.

Now, other people have tried to summon Satan before, of course, and they have failed. They are fools because they, unlike me, did not read Alistair Crowley's magnificent book How to Summon the Dark Lord, and three tasty smoothie recipes that will melt away the pounds. And it says, and I quote,

Get drunk and read a bunch of crap. That is exactly what we will do tonight. 15 readers will come to the stage. 15 things will be read for you. And at the end, the ultimate evil will be upon us. Now I don't need any more preamble than that,

so let's bring up Bunny Bread! Bunny Bread. Bunny Bread. Bunny Bread. Yes. Here is your first reading or spell provided to you by a secret spellcaster. Wait, not a secret spellcaster. A spellcaster that will be delivered onto you. Okay.

Open up that package and read this material. Oh. Hi, Mom. Oh, no. I do what my mom drinks. What you got there? I have dirt eating

from Experience Project. Yeah! Who provided this spell for you? That son of a bitch right over there. That's Cheapskate. That's Cheapskate, by the way. That son of a bitch right over there. Thank you.

Ever since the first time I ate dirt, I knew what my taste buds would want more. When I was five years old, I ate my first fistful I ate dirt. I knew what my taste buds would want more. When I was five years old, I ate my first fistful of red dirt. It was so tasty, and it melted in my mouth. I remembered getting yelled at by my grandmother for eating it that one time, and after that, I never laid hands on it,

because by then, I was eating the slateboard's chalks. No one ever knew I would be eating that, and my grandma never found out. I didn't eat it for long, because when I got seven, when I got seven more pieces of chalk, I guess, I was at a sleepover, and the girl's grandmother that I was sleeping over at gave us, all of us, a pinch of dirt to eat, like a blessing from God. Their gods differ than mine. And I would always want more,

while the other girls would not want any more than they received. Then, than, by the time I was ten, I remember eating my mom's marble box. Wait, that's... Whoa! Didn't think we'd get that blue that i remember yeah okay this took a strange turn it was this soft tiny box craved craved craved out of soft marble she had three of them well mom's got fucking problems and i ate them all well we got fucking problems. And I ate them all. Well, we

got fucking problems. All of us. The whole family. She never found out. Really? You're really bad at it then. Then, when I was in the second grade, I remember eating pencil graphite. I would just eat it like chips or candy. Nummy.

But not too much of it. But whenever I was alone. Period. Then, then nummy, but not too much of it. But whenever I was alone, period. Then, then I remember the first time I ate drywall or sheetrock. Don't we all remember our first time? That's not dirt.

Everyone remembers their first time, man. That's, yeah, you're right. Thank you, Stug. The first time I ate drywall or sheetrock, my cousins had got their first real house, and my dad and uncles were building the garage, and my cousins and my and my cousins were playing around the house and hiding everywhere.

Hiding everywhere. And they're big fat fucks. And I remember going into the garage and picking up this white substance like a rock and remembering that I have ate a marble. I put the sheetrock in my mouth and I fell in love with the taste.

It was like the taste of semi-dirt. Whoops. Marble and graphite put together. Then, when I went home, I looked inside my closet, and there it was. The whole house was made of it.

Does a witch live here? So I basically took scissors and developed a technique to get all the edges of the sheet rock and go in deeper. And I basically ate about 35% of my closet. I know, I expected more.

And then there was spare drywall in the laundry room, and I would eat that. I think I ate about a whole closet's worth of drywall. About 20 feet by 20 feet. Roughly estimated. Because I'm stupid. Then, I would always find something that would be related to dirt,

or the taste of dirt. Like my mom's stones for her body. What? No! No! Like my dad's stones for his body, which were not used. Then I started eating chalk from school. I would take all the chalk from the chalkboards and have a collection of them and eat them when I got home.

Or if I got a really bad craving, I would eat it in class when no one was paying attention. No, they weren't looking at you because they, yeah, unlike you, they had shame. Then my parents found out about me eating the drywall, so they decided to take me to the doctor. And the doctor got a stool sample. Nothing was wrong. Boo. Something was wrong. I just had an iron deficiency somehow.

Do I gotta eat iron? Gotta get iron shock. So the doctor prescribed me with medicine that would help me with the cravings, and after about a week it stopped. And I think for six months I was stable, and I wouldn't crave but the cravings came back but harder I started eating graphite drywall chalk and dirt

slash pebbles whatever that stopped my cravings from getting worse I would have had a technique for eating my graphite I would take scissors and cut the pencil in half and take out the graphite and and I did this for about 500 to 1,000 fucking pencils. Including mechanical ones. I guess he scissored up the mechanical pencils, too, because he's dumb. I ate them like crazy, but I think one say, but I think one say,

I decided that I had to stop, so I did. Yeah, you know, Confucius said that. I stopped eating graphite and drywall, and I haven't ate it for about a year now. Aw. The end. Wait. But the worst thing is I picked up a new habit,

eating raw dirt. No. As opposed to cook? Yeah. There was this pile of dirt outside my house, right? That was brought from my mom's garden. And within this pile of dirt, there were these pebbles. Oh, they were slutty little pebbles.

Crunchy dirt. All dressed up. Got the bodice. Oh, shit. They wanted it. That tasted like this rock I had tasted when I was hiking on a mountain. I was taking a walking hike up Mount Mountain. Yep.

Up Mount Mountain. The rock's taste was so soft, as rocks are wont to be. The rock's taste was so soft, and it tasted like dirt. Oh, weird. Twist ending. I ate that piece of rock, and I wanted more.

But I didn't want any of my classmates to look at me weird. Little too late. Little too late. I mean... So I didn't want any of my classmates to look at me weird, so I just got a small piece and said it was memory. That makes sense.

I'm sure they never looked at you weird again. I'm sure they never looked at you again, period. Then, when I got home, I ate it. And after that, I went out in search of that type of rock, and to my surprise, I found it right there in the pile of dirt. I took a bowl out there and picked out the small pebbles and go in and wash them with hot water and let dry. I would do this whenever I was alone and no one was at home. Turns out she was abandoned.

But I got caught doing this about three times. But my excuses were that I was looking for something. Good enough. No, it's okay. No, I was dirt. Yeah. So they never found out I was eating the pebbles. Because they're as dumb as me. Then I remembered that I really needed to stop eating, I was dirt. Yeah. So they never found out I was eating the pebbles because they're as dumb as me.

Then I remembered that I really needed to stop eating the rocks and dirt because what it might cause my intestines harm. What it might cause my intestines harm. Not to mention my brain. Plus, I really hated the debris and was being caught in my teeth. Oh, I really hated the debris that was being caught in my teeth from eating the dirt and pebbles. Fuck off. So I stopped and went back to my drywall and pencil. Oh.

Lost loves. I don't think they know what stop means. But then I stopped, and there was a pause in my craving. I still craved, but I was looking out for my health because I started getting this pain in my side and lower stomach that hurt pain, pain that hurt. And I didn't like the pain. But then, I couldn't stop my cravings.

So I found out a new substance to eat. This red, clayish dirt that was in front of my house. There was a pile of it. So I went out there and took a whole container full and ate about 10 pounds of that fucking, yeah God damn, got way up in it. Ten pounds?

Yep, ten pounds. Ten pounds of it total until I decided to stop. I think more maybe than ten pounds because one time I took this two Walmart-sized plastic bags and filled it up with that chunk of clay and ate those two

bags worth. Wait, did they say a Walmart sized or a half Walmart sized? No, the entire building Walmart sized. I love the taste. No shit! It was the taste I have been craving since the day I started eating dirt at age five. That's what he's been looking for.

Dirt's so good. I'm age six now. But I have not ate that red clay. I have not ate that red clay dirt for about two weeks now. Hey! Somebody give me a coin here, people. But I think I am through with eating pencils and drywall.

And maybe, maybe the red clay dirt. Even though I still crave it. I really, really want to go outside and get a bag full and eat it while I watch my favorite movies. So, that is the reason today I joined this group, because maybe you guys can help me. This is the place, right? Stop eating dirt. My name is Bonnie Bread. Stop eating

dirt. No, Gross Eaters Anonymous is tomorrow night. Shit. So, okay. So that is the reason. Oh yeah, alright, alright. That is the reason today I joined this group, because maybe you guys can the reason. Oh, yeah. All right, all right. That's the reason today I joined this group, because maybe you guys can help me. I am tired. No, I am tried of struggling.

And I want a normal digestive life. Comma. Like, I don't want to tell my future boyfriend that I eat dirt or I crave dirt substance. Yeah, don't worry about your future boyfriend, honey. They're lining up. I'm assuming all the men in here are gonna... Yeah, alright.

What is their goal? What is their goal? Oh, goal. Yeah, I don't even think about that. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Someone just got a boner. A girl did. Alright. I want a better future Oh, God. Oh, shit. Someone just got a boner. A girl did. All right. I want a better future,

and I don't want anyone to look at my crazy because I love being different, but only in a good way. Thank you. My name is Edible, 18 to 21. I'm a female. I'm a female. Bunny bread That's right

We started with bunny bread And that means that bunny bread Doesn't have to Bread. And that means that Bunny Bread doesn't have to read again. And that means that Bunny Bread can get drunk! Won't you help him in his quest? Alright. That's one. That's one. Satan's

not here yet. Satan's not, I mean, Satan's coming. But Satan's on his way. Let's bring up Achilles Healy to the stage! Achilles, I'm so glad to see you up here because I have a document or spell for you provided by someone

you might be familiar with who's that? it's someone you know okay get in there Yeah F plus live means broken shit is on the stage all the time Alright

What do we got here? I have a selection of poetry From AuthorsDen.com A magic spell of evil Provided by Montress Montress Montress Montress A magic spell of evil provided by Montreux. Whoa! Montreux! Montreux!

Montreux! Montreux! And if nothing's something insane tonight, it will be this. 666 by Ed Matlack. 666, the sign of the devil Satan Beelzebub

his royal highness of hell thief of souls he keeps those he steals in a book of rolls charging the worst tolls his minions are guarded by that of trolls

don't try to escape as he will know and send you to the outermost reaches of his realm of fire and coals the number that stands for him as above has nothing whatsoever to do with love.

I don't know, it's pretty close to 69. Yeah, speak for yourself, really. But if you are branded with that sign, you have nothing more to live for, so you should shove yourself from a cliff of great height and fall to your death to join the satanic horde

as a member you are far before death and above board. Some say they can see with I suppose satanic sight that number 666 burned into the foreheads of those about to die. Now, why would I be the one here to lie? You heard me.

As if I did so, would I not have the number on my head? Oh, my. Oh, my. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Dig it. Dig that crazy devil.

If you fear the evil of the devil transposed, hear me now. You are only supposed to drink the blood of the satanic high priest. Yeah! When you are rightly told,

so for now you can, no matter what, cease. Enjoy for now your existence on this earth, for with that number on your forehead, you are bound, eventually, to serve the satanic master. to serve the Satanic Master. It's all the words he's overusing, man. You get it. You get me.

All right. Here's one that's surprisingly similar. A Great Man, A Great President by Ed Matlack. Oh. Peace has finally come into the Reagan household. Everybody here just lost a bet. I was going for Harding.

Harding? Ronald Reagan, ex-president of the United States, has passed away, gone to the great horse ranch in the sky. Pointing in the wrong direction. Do you have a Star Wars reference? No. No. in the sky. Point in the wrong direction. Really? A Star Wars reference?

No. No. A lover of horses and of people, Mr. Reagan today did die. Two terms in office over 50 movies played opposite a chimp. None of those could make Mr. Reagan skip a beat.

Not even an assassination attempt could make this man skimp. He still fought hard to keep his office, did his job. He was definitely not a wimp. If this shows

I did like this man and yes, I did respect him, that is my point. I have never been much for politics, but this man I would have given my life for. No president since has earned my respect. I don't believe. No Clinton nor Bush for sure.

This nation and the world has lost a great man, a fighter, a family man A fighter A family man A horse person I didn't know he was a centaur Yeah, Reagan was a centaur A president to remember The president of the north

Okay, Marijuana Rising The president in the north. Okay. Marijuana Rising by Ed Matlack. I really can't pin this guy down. Legal or not, we smoke our pot. Keeping at home, not a lot. Personal use, none for a tot.

Hopefully we don't get swarmed by swat an odiferous scent man did not invent grew naturally have been said didn't take man long to learn how to ferment some of the power to join hallucinate some believe it tastes sour you know you well know that personally i find it to be great hour. You well know that personally, I find it to be great. That was Scott. That was definitely Scott. Not Long by Ed

Matlack. Oh, and you're killing me. Before my internet I lose, looks like I'll be taking a lot of little snooze. And reading much more than I now do, at least the computer itself will still be on when this bard... Whoa.

Will be otherwise gone. If not this month, it would be soon. No money to pay for this expensive opportune. I opportune. Come on, guys.

I cannot my job get back. And with social services, it's money I lack. So if you don't see me about, know that I am thinking of you without doubt. I'm trying to scratch my way out of the bottom of my barrel, at least though I am drowning within my barrel too. From what it is filled with, a caramel malt with hop stout. Oh, that's it. Okay.

Okay. Yay! Oh, that's it? Okay. All right, you guys ready for it to get hot in here tonight? All right, we got record boobs. She has the record. Sure as hell she is not ignored Clothes don't fit Bet though her husband is never bored This is easy top song, isn't it? Yeah

You'll see When she dies, will they cut them off? Whoa No No, no No, they actually will not That is not how that works When she dies, will they cut them off? Whoa. No. No. No. No, they actually will not. That is not how that works.

That's sexy, right? Oh, no? Oh, okay. It's a little. In a coffin she will not fit unless she buys a custom model. Does she in life with those beasts have to waddle? Guinness says they are the biggest. Not sure if we should consider her blessed.

In a car, she needs no airbags. Personally, though, I am unimpressed. Oh. Ooh. though, I am unimpressed. Oh. Ooh. Though there is one here that will be quite

obsessed. Alright. I think this is our anthem here. This is by Cherie De Perrault and it is A-N-I-M-E designed to slay. Oh my god!

Author's note. That was a mistake. No, I don't, yeah, you're right. Author's note. With all the furor over terrorist bombings and the like, tragic, there is no doubt, but another form of terrorism has reached our shores. The swift,

the silent, deadly blade in stores now for you to rent or buy to further your children's education on how to swing the sword and in all manner of perversion and foreign worship. on how to swing the sword and in all manner of perversion and foreign warship. Sponsored by Crucial.

Sponsored by InfoWars. The Imperial Army invaded Pearl Harbor. The Enola Gay defended America. But who's got control of the children's minds? You decide. Vote on your phones now.

Who will control your children's minds? Satan! Satan! Satan! Dad, may I have a sword? A katana samurai special. To play with outside. I promise I won't hurt my sister.

Sure, son, that's okay with me. Check with your mother first to see if she agrees. But promise me you'll be careful. Mom, can I have a sword, a katana samurai special? It's a replica of the real one going cheap on eBay. Well, if it's only a replica and won't hurt anyone, I guess that's okay as long as you check

with your father. Yes, this is a poem. Yeah, this is a poem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus, Philistine. Let me live my art. Dad, Mom said it's okay, so I can go ahead and order.

They are going cheap. I promise I will be careful. Later. Screaming emerges from the yard where little Johnny is playing with little Sarah, pretending to be a warlord, being careful like he said he would, but he found his best sneakers chewed up by the family's newest addition, the pup. So he swung the razor-sharp sword. Now puppy's in half on the back lawn. Oh, how they all regret, how they all wish,

how they all churn with anguish, knowing it could have been Sarah. They were lucky it was only the pup, but now they wish more than ever that they never allowed those games into the house where little Johnny watched them 24-7. A-N-I-M-E

designed to slay Charles Perrault! Yeah! Achilles motherfucking Achilles! The next person who is coming up to read is Stog! Stog! Dog!

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Oh, oh boy, oh boy. I, I, I, I, I heard the music. Yes, yes. In my hand I have a document or spell. Can I keep the glitter? You can keep the glitter. It might be cum.

It might be cum. But there might be glitter in the cum. Oh, so it's some sort of glitter cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is perfect. I can use this. You're welcome. I'm going to take this envelope, and I'm going to wear it as a hat outside so that the cops know who I am. It's an F-plus document.

You don't have to be precious with it. Open that fucking thing. I got this. Excellent. All right. What are you going to raise Satan with? The pantom. The pantom.

The what? The pantom. The pantom. Yeah, it's actually spelled like that. The pantom. Okay. And who provided what I can only assume is the Pantum? Yeah, the Pantum.

The Pantum, what the ghost who wears pants. And who provided this document? A magic spell of evil provided by Caroline. Yay! Yes. All right, everybody. Strap yourselves into your bar stools because here comes the phantom.

Woo! Oh, it's called the phantom. Shit, my mistake. I'm sorry, everybody. I did not mean to... The Phantom. The office is saved. Several weeks of intensive dealings are over. Yourself and the girls have a new backer,

and the accounting business is moving ahead with a new company. It was a tense time for you all. You have worked late. You made sacrifices for the girls and the company. This has given the girls security in their jobs and they are extremely grateful. I have a boner already.

So they have arranged a present for you. A very messy present. Ooh. Did they forget to bake the cake? Yeah, it's the cake, but I accidentally sat on it. On your desk is waiting a satin blouse, full sleeve, light purple, black satin pants, and black satin knickers to suit.

Yeah, yeah, this is British, everybody. Ew. You look at the girls who all clap and cheer. They point to the ladies' room and gesture for you to put the outfit on. You get changed in the ladies' room. You check out your new outfit in the mirror. You hear the girls cheering again from the office. You wake up.

You wonder what is going on. As you enter the main office room, several of the girls rush you and open the office door, then another adjoining door on the other side of the hallway. It's just an old filing room. Hardly gets used. You notice the room has been taped up. Lots of clear tarp all over the place.

Mark Summers enters from stage left. What are you doing? You raise your voice slightly. This is, all of you are doing this right. I need you all to paint this picture in your mind that you are all in a jerk-off instruction video. Exits, north, south, jerk-off. Exits, north, south, jerk off.

New high score. Okay, so you feel yourself getting cuffed in between two filing cabinets that have been positioned in the center of the room. These damn cabinets always sneaking up on me. It's starting to dawn on These damn cabinets always sneaking up on me. It's starting to dawn on you. Standard employee reward. You let slip about your fetish several months ago. Looks like you may be...

HR. HR. Looks like you may be about to get your present. One of the girls gets a tie and blindfolds you. 20 minutes later, what? My fetish is being delayed. I need everyone to imagine that 20 minutes has passed. Have you all done this?

I have a boredom fetish. This is really hitting my buttons. I have a waiting fetish. Yeah, I have a waiting fetish, too. That's why I need everybody to imagine that 20 minutes has passed. Okay, good. You hear more giggling and things getting moved around. What is going on?

They call us to the office, and the movers have come. You hear the door close. All is quiet. You can hear the girls starting to chant something from the office over the hallway. Lock her in. Lock her in. Lock her in.

Lock her. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. One flinger. Phantom! Phantom! Phantom! Phantom! Phantom! Flon Flinger! The girls cry.

Flon Flingers! Your blindfold is removed. He is there, the Phantom. You notice all the buckets, pies, custard, and wood. Just like The Phantom always brings. Yeah. It's my favorite part of those 1930s comic strips. Yeah, you've never heard of The Phantom,

the guy who covers himself in custard to fight crime? He knows what custard lurks in the hearts of men, yes. Yeah. Where's the custard, asshole? You notice all the other yucky substances. The girls have left him. Yes, you're going

to get trashed, but just how trashed? The phantom says nothing, just points to some disgusting slop in a red bucket. He picks it up and goes to throw it. He stops! He walks up to you. You can feel your heart pounding through the blouse. He stands

close. You can hear him breathing. It makes you even worse. You crave him to destroy you. You can hear him breathing. It makes you even worse. You crave him to destroy you. You! Yeah, even worse. You personally want to get destroyed by this custard phantom right here.

Anyway, he steps back and lets fly. So the encounter begins. Roll initiative. That was for all my Dungeons and Dragons homies in the audience. You're welcome. The first bucket hits you

Right up the middle He hits you well The slop lads in the crotch Oh yeah Soaking your pants Oh yeah Nice Then it rides up the middle of the blouse

I'm not into that actually And over your left breast and left sleeve, he hears himself gasp from the impact of the shot. He picks up two loaded custard pies. Nice. That's just his lunch, shorty. He moves round your back. To the loading dock. His shift's over. Yeah, he moves round your back. To the loading dock.

His shift's over. Yeah, he moves round back. Oh, okay. There's speaking lines to the Phantom in here. I gotta get this in. I gotta nail this. Pie sandwich to the pussy. Yes. yes could you

could you please repeat that please repeat that for the record please repeat that for the record pie sandwich to the pussy

thank you noted and entered read that for the record? Pie sandwich to the pussy. Thank you. Noted and entered. Pie sandwich to the pussy, coming soon from Nora Ephraim. He points, of course, being the phantom, he need not speak. I don't know.

He follows up and presses a pie into the crotch of your satin pants and rubs the other pie firmly into your left butt cheek, slowly soaking in the material and forcing it to stick to your butt. That is the recipe for a standard pie sandwich to the pussy. Really textbook technique here from the Phantom. You are given... Sorry.

I'm sorry, Lou. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to get through these jerk-off instructions as fast as I can or I can't have any beer. Please continue. Continue. You are given a pie pounding in both areas at once. Whoa.

Both areas? The two areas? Yes, both areas. The butt and also the face. Those are the two areas. I think it was the face. Those are the two areas. I think it was the pussy, but that was a lie. The butt and the pussy. Yay!

You gasp out loud from the attack. You sexually want more. All of you want this. You deny it, but you say you want this. I don't want to. I don't want to. Yes. So, Lou, what's the benefits package like at your job?

It's not like this. I have Anthem. Oh, all right. Bring it, Phantom, you gasp. He does just that. With custard, he undoes the top button of your blouse and tips

a liter all down the inside of the blouse. Right side, the blouse clings to your breast. The custard is cool, yet your temperature is seriously rising. More. More, you gasp out loud.

The phantom need not have been asked. He is mad of many pies. Dear good housekeeping, I never thought it would happen to me. I met the man of many pies at work today. You watch him get a pie in both hands, and then he vanishes around the back of you. Again?

Yeah, again. We're at the front now. Suddenly, his hands appear at breast height. He catches you off guard as you think it will be a hard pieing. No, he smears one into each breast. Your nipples. X. X. Ahem. Plowed through the sodded material as he works your firm breasts

with pies. Your nipples explode and they call 911. He rubs them in slowly. Cream and custard is smeared onto each breast. It's totally obviously you're aroused.

You are at his mercy, and he knows it. Because of, like, the handcuffs and the blindfold. And being alone trapped in the room. Yeah, we've established all that previously. Yeah, this is not a very good escape room. I don't recommend it. I mean, the clothes are nice, but the custard, too much custard.

A knock on the door follows. It opens. We have this conference room booked at four. I don't know. Gotta check the schedule. We have another phantoming coming in? Welcome to the quarterly meeting. We are at the quarterly meeting,

tapping into conference room four, and oh my god, what the fuck? One of the girls pops her head round door. Yeah, pops her head round door. Yeah, pops her head round door. Facts for Mr. Phantom, she calls. The phantom nods to her and accepts the piece of paper. He looks at the paper and nods his head in approval. Then he moves

two buckets to one side. Looks like they may be full of porridge. The important porridge facts. He's been waiting for the porridge facts. Yeah, porridge facts. He shows you the paper. On it is written porridge facts. Yeah, porridge facts. He shows you the paper.

On it is written, Porridge Heels. Porridge Heels? He moves the buckets over. First your left leg is placed in a bucket. Then your right. You feel your heels sludge up with wet, sticky porridge. I thought like porridge is healing.

Yeah, yeah. Not just porridge on your feet. Like we had a doctor slash breakfast chef in the house. Yeah. It's bliss. Then another knock at the door. Another of the girls puts her head around the door. Parcel for Mr. Phantom.

It's making buzzing sounds. Just hornets everywhere. Yeah, it's bees. It's a Clips for Sale bee porridge custard joint. The Phantom accepts the parcel, opens the box, and shows you several vibrators. Oh, this is the most normal.

This is normal. So this is an introductory model. It's about $14.95. You gulp, knowing they're going to give you a really good time. He moves in with two custard pies, splat, straight into the vagina, one after each other.

Not onto. Into. Yeah, into. It's like the Death Star. Stay on target. Stay on target. Stay on target. Your black satin knickers are sodden. He moves in with the first vibrator.

You hear the buzz as it is switched on. He lodges the first in the front of your knickers. What? Oh, they're British. Yeah, they're British. A second is turned on. This, he lodges down the back of your knickers, and it nestles in between your butt cheeks. He steps away.

He is happy with his work. You have to take a minute to admire what you've done. At the end of the day, that's what's important. You can't appreciate what you're doing. At the end of the day, that's what's important when you have a phantom. You can't appreciate what you're doing. Two custard pies attack your breasts in unison. Attack plan delta. Smeared in.

He's got to be running out of pies. Smeared in all down the front of the disgusting blouse. You feel yourself starting to buckle from the vibrator lurking your vagina. The ass vibrator is not helping as that is stimulating your pelvis. Phantom. Yes, Phantom. You blart.

You blart. Yeah, blart. He gets the spare vibrator and works your left nipple with it. Vibrating this hypersensitive nipple is making this sexual fire in your heart and pelvis grow. They did explode a few pages ago. Yeah.

Suddenly, you feel your legs wobble as you stand in your buckets of porridge. It's all too much. Can you hold on? Finish. Finish me, Mr. Phantom, you gasp. The Phantom inserts a large vibrator into your sodden vagina and works you hard. You can hear the girls shouting and banging on the windows from the corridor. Phantom, Phantom, Phantom, Phantom, Phantom, Phantom, Phantom, Phantom! Phantom! Phantom!

Phantom! These declassified Abu Grave documents are shameful. Shameful. The Phantom works the vibrator. This forces you to climax just as the girls are shouting Phantom again. He times it well

and splats you in the face with a custard pie just as you climax. Remember, you are horny and arousing. You like this. I don't know. I don't think so. This is all true. This is all true. God, yes, you blurt loudly.

You hear the door opening and the girls are watching and applauding loudly. You look down. Your clothes are ruined. Torn to pieces. You have a bullet vibrator lodged in your ass butt cheeks, and somewhat large vibrator lodges in your swollen, custard-covered vagina. You wish the Phantom would come back and take you again.

In true Phantom style, he is gone. Who is this masked marble? He has gone back to the homeless shelter. You don't want to know what I think? Who the fuck cares? Thank you, everybody. Hey! Fantastic.

Fantastic. Fantastic. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. Phantom. That was Stug! Oh, man. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We've had custard pie porn and porridge porn in the same porn. Satan must be very close.

Oh, he's so close. Oh, he's close. Oh, God. God, you know. This is what we call edgy. It said he was 14 minutes away, and then I looked again, he was 16 minutes away. I'm just going to cancel. Okay, so...

I don't know what's going on with the Satanism thing. It seems very difficult. I think I need someone more Satanic. I think I need Jack Check! Yeah! For Satanic, I think I need Jack Chick! You can buy these.

Jack Chick has been working the merch for you. It is back there. We've got t-shirts. We've got posters. Trav did those. And we've got temporary tattoos, which are very evil, designed by a sanguinary novel. You can buy all three for a package. But Jack Chick, in my hand, I hold a document, or

spell. There we go. And clearly that'll make this whole Satan thing wrap around. So just rip that open there. Rip that open. Somebody worked hard on that, but let's rip it open. Why is this glued and

fastened? It's to keep the evil in. So Jack Chick, what do you have there? Some spells and magic! Yeah! And who is this provided by? From spellsandmagic.com A magic spell of evil

provided by a mate. Yeah! Divided by a meat. Yeah! This is the witch's handshake. Extend your right index finger and lightly touch the wrist of the person exactly where the pulse is felt. Step two, please.

Okay, okay, okay. By touching the pulse, it throws the acquaintance completely off his balance for just an instant. But in that instant, plant an initial thought. Example, I am the one you want for the job. This really works. It's cool. Try it. Ah!

Alright, this is a spell to slow down time. Okay, who's been casting this all night? One of you motherfuckers out there. Draw a pentacle on your left hand using a blessed blue pen. Fuck you if you're using a black pen. All of you motherfuckers, stop. Is that a state of blue, blessed blue?

Yes, I think so. It's close to an azure. Visualize a sand clock, also known as an hourglass. Yeah, if you're a poser. Okay. Slowing way down. glass. Yeah, if you're a poser. Okay. Slowing way down.

Slower and slower as you draw. Now put your left hand on your forehead or third eye and say, alright, repeat after me. Core go round. Core go round. Power be bound. power be bound

power be bound interrupt the nature's course interrupt the nature's course time slow down time slow down cast this spell sayeth these words cast this spell sayeth these words no some of you motherfuckers

said say instead of sayeth. You forgot the T-H! Don't send me to the principal's office. Alright, so this spell will last for a day or until the pentacle is erased naturally or washed. Don't get sweaty hands. This is the spell to speed up time.

Hey, look, we're starting with drawing a pentacle again. That's fun. This time it's on your left hand using a blessed red pen. And you have to visualize a sand clock as you draw. Now, what's that sand clock again? I mean, some assholes

call it a fucking hourglass, I think. Ugh. Alright, now put your left hand on your forehead or your third eye and repeat after me. Sands of time show me thy way. Sands of time show

me thy way. Turn the nights into days. Turn the nights into days. Turn the nights into days. Rose petals so light and grace. Rose petals so light and grace. Speed up time now in this place. Speed up time now in this place. What, uh, when would you be using this spell?

So you can get to summer vacation faster. Okay. Yeah. What? When would you be using this spell? So you can get to summer vacation faster. Okay. Yeah. Maybe so that, you know, lunch period comes sooner. I mean, what's the deal with jobs, right? This spell will last for 24 hours until the pentacle is erased, so, you know, don't get sweaty hands.

Who wants a love spell? Me! Got a lot of good-looking folks in the crowd, didn't I? Who wants a love spell by Raven? Yeah. You need the rush for Raven. Yeah, sure. Sounds right.

Supplies. Materials to cast a circle. One red or pink candle. Sounds right. Supplies. Materials to cast a circle. One red or pink candle. Love oil. Pin. Red or pink crayon. Or pen. A pink or red or piece of paper.

Sure, sure. I'm going to Michael's anyway. Okay. Step one. Cast your circle. Step one, cast your circle. Step two, visualize the type of man you want to be with. Only a man? Oh, it worked! It worked! It worked! He didn't even have to cast a spell.

That's amazing. And now Bozarth will take a picture of my package. My love spell. Make sure to visualize everything you are looking for in him. Like looks, hair, job, sensitivity, caring, understanding, not violent sex. He is the size of his... Not violent sex? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Size of his want-not.

Yeah. That's a candy bar, right? You want to... You split it. No, that's a watchamacallit. No, that's a watchamacallit. No, no, a watchamacallit's a dick, I'm pretty sure. I thought you were talking about a payday, am I right? Achacha!

Honesty, loyalty, respect, etc. Step three, right... Visualize John Cena. Right with... Step three, write with... Visualize John Cena. Write with... Step three, write with pen into candle. Love, come to me. Anoint the red slash pink candle with oil. Starting at top to center, change hands

and do same from bottom to center, all while concentrating on man and focusing energy into candle. Light andle off of altar candle white. All right, I think I might have gone too fast here. So light andle off of altar candle white. Set on altar. Yeah, that makes sense.

Sure. Step four, take a piece of paper and write on it, love come to me, around the words and circle it with touching hearts. Use red slash pink crayon better to use pink paper and red crayon. Set paper under red candle. Step five, say aloud while concentrating on person. By the power of hope and truth. By the power of hope and truth. By the power of hope and truth By the power of hope and truth

By the power of the old and youth By the power of the old and youth In true love with him I want to be In true love with him I want to be By the power of the universe let love come to me By the power of the universe

let love come to me By the power of the universe, let love come to me. By the power of Grayskull. I have the power! Alright, then you take the piece of paper, you set it on fire with the red candle, and repeat the rhyme above. Throw the paper in pot, and say, so mote it be?

So mote it be! I don't know. I feel like this crowd can give me a better so mote it be than that. One, two, three. So mote it be! That's how you cast a fucking spell. Everyone in here is in love now. Step seven.

Close circle. There is no need to repeat, but for spell to be stronger, repeat the next two nights slash days. It worked for me. I hope it Closed circle. There is no need to repeat, but for spell to be stronger, repeat the next two nights slash days. It worked for me. I hope it works for you. Be careful! Though, not to let any negative thought enter your mind while doing this spell. It may also help to visualize

the outcome and try not to make any person anyone in particular. Best be to you and yours, Raven! Yay! I love you, Raven! Yay! Yay! Yeah, moat the fuck out of that. Alright. Who wants brunch? Alright.

This is the lover's brunch. Nice. This is used to arouse your lover's interest in you. You will need these ingredients. Four eggs. A half teaspoon of ginger. Turn those lovers over easy.

Yeah. And a pinch of salt and pepper. Throw all that shit in a bowl. Fill half an eggshell with water twice, pouring the water into the bowl each time. Beat the mixture until it's fluffy. Cook it in a lightly buttered frying pan over low heat until the bottom of the omelette is done.

With your fingernail, trace your initials or name at the top of the omelette and his or hers at the bottom. That's how Emeril does it, okay? Have you not seen the show? You forgot the... All right, so then the next step is obvious. You pop it under the broiler for a moment to cook the top.

Every time I've made an omelette, I've always broiled it? That's a good fucking point. Yeah, the old broiled ginger omelette. But then you have to fold it so the initials are hidden. You wouldn't want to know your own name. Alright, so along with the omelet, you're going to serve a salad which contains bananas, peaches,

and pitted cherries. What? Wait, that's a salad? Yeah, that's a... Right. Sex fruit salad, got it Sure. Sex fruit salad. Got it. I saw the sex fruits play at this club down on the south side.

Do I have to carve my name in the fruit at all? I think I saw the sex fruits, too. They opened up for our epicardiectomy. Hot rolls and apple butter also go along nicely. It's the apple butter with the power. Especially if you made it yourself and used some of your kitchen witchery skills in the making of it.

If you can, share this omelet from the same plate for a romantic brunch. Wash your brunch down with champagne. You don't need money. You don't need fame. You don't need fame. You just need apple butter to ride this train. That is the end of the recipe?

So, audience, I regret to inform you that there's another page to this. Oh! This is the Black Dot of Vengeance! Items needed. A sheet of paper from the Bible that contains

the father of darkness is his name. What Bible is that? So that was item number one. Item number two, black paint. Item number three, black paint. Item number three, thy enemy's name.

No, no, you're the enemy. Oh, that's fair. All right, and then item number one is one candle black. So we got items number one, two, three, and one. Warning, this spell is not to be used unless you are entirely sure that you wish to use it. This spell is for indoor or outdoor use only. Are you over 18? This spell has harmful effects to those who cast it and use it on your enemies. In old capital legend, in the days of the...

The days of the... The days of the... In old legend, in the days of the pirate, if someone was given the black dot that was to be sacrilegious, and this was a great disrespect, but as always, a legend can be true. Ellipsis. This is a secret passed down from 1,000 years and forgotten. This may be the first spell to surface in over a long time. Robert Louis Stevenson, secret occultist.

The secret of the mysteriously capitalized letters. How to perform the black dot spell. First, take the sheet of paper and write your enemy's name onto it. After you have done so, then paint a black dot onto a piece of paper and chant the following after lighting your candle. Underscore, underscore, underscore, underscore, underscore. Underscore, underscore, underscore, underscore. I call down the wrath of hell upon you.

By this blasphemy I curse you underscore underscore underscore. By this blasphemy I curse you underscore underscore underscore. In the name of evil. In the name of evil. I curse you in the name of all that is unholy. I curse you in the name of all that is unholy. Quick break. You're going to want to turn the audio down.

Thank you. Turn it down. I damn thee for betraying me. I damn thee for disgracing me. I damn thee for all the me I damn thee for disgracing me I damn thee for all the pain thou hath caused me A lot of damning I damn you in the morning and in the afternoon So shall my will be done

So shall my will be done. So shall my will be done. And so mote it be. And so mote it be. Then you blow the candle out and pour a small drop onto the middle of the black dot. Please note, a drop of what? Go and find your enemies and give this paper to. Then wrath shall befall them

or place it under their bed and... Then wrath shall befall them or place it under their bed until it is removed or burned. I got a really busy week. I have to burn my bed? Yeah, we're just gonna call this Caster's Choice.

Then they will suffer ellipsis. So pretty much no one is gonna know to burn it. Therefore, take heed to this warning. I suggest that you let them take it, then take it back, then burn it after all is done and thy desire hath been met. Yeah! Jack Chick! Jack Chick! Jack Chick!

Jack Chick! Jack Chick! Jack Chick! Jack Chick! Jack Chick! Oh, my God. Look at the stage already. Oh! Oh! I hope Satan recycles. If Satan comes in Brimstone, this is a fire hazard. All right.

You're coming on to an intermission in just a moment. Well, not just a moment. But I need to bring up my friend, Boots Reingear! I picked this song for you, Boots. This band sucks, and you're wrong to like it. So, Boots, I have here...

It's completely wrapped in clink film. Yeah! Yeah! I have here a document or spell provided in cling film for you. You got any thoughts on what that might be? It's a little difficult.

It's a little bit of a challenge, but I can get through this. It's powerfully erotic to get in there. I'm a fucking professional. You are a fucking professional. It is completely wrapped in cling film. So what you got there, friendo? Oh, my favorite.

What is it? What is this thing that I helped pick out? Okay. Reiki healing increases sex power. I'm not done. I'm not done. He's not done. Reiki healing increases sex power and orgasm.

Yes. A McGick spell of evil provided by Heavenator and Liz Byathan. Yeah! Oh my, okay. Heavenator and Lizbiathan. Yay! Yay! Did you know that Reiki healing increases sex per hour and orgasm? Yes. If anyone studies Reiki

in real manner, he will be able to understand what do I mean by that. A great person called Chandra Mohanjain, popularly known as Osho, has actually discovered this. But end up with controversies.

Reiki flows from those skin parts where hairs are not available. So my entire body. Lucky you. To create porous skin, so the skin texture is different here. Those parts are palm, front of hand,

paw, downside of legs, lip and upper parts of penis. When skin is stretched back, i.e. erection position. Hey, girl, you ready for a reiki healing?

I haven't heard erections described that way before. We're all learning. These all organs got heated during sexual activity. So it was defined by Rajneesh Osho as Sambhog Sassamaditak. Yeah, might as well put some Klingon in here. Kapla! Unfortunately, people were unable to understand it. They took, in 1978 to 1985, as pornographic because of the magical word samblog.

Sorry, sambog. Beautiful thing is that in this book, Osho speaks. Yes, he never wrote any book. He was giving only provocations. So you're saying his instructions were oral? And it was written by his followers. Nothing about pornography, but about peace of mind and mental health.

But he was the man with courage to speak about Sambhog. Indians believe Sambhog is a subject to perform, not to discuss or speak. First world about Sambhog, he's still talking about Sambhog.

His name was Sandpog. Okay. Due to this, we produce much more children on this earth. There's more pornographic websites from India than US. Just drowning in ellipses.

Bollywood's dark secret. Sex industry in India is five crore-y. Yes. I heard that. Five crore-y. Which is five comma and then seven zeros and then a comma and then nine zeros. What don't you understand? That's not how numbers work.

Maximum condoms are sold in India at Saturday night and Sunday. Okay, come to the subject again. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. It is mentioned in Shastra's, is there extra quotations there? Sacred Scripture. We are having seven chakras in our body. First chakra, i.e. Muladhara chakra, is having following location. If you take selfie

under penis... Insert selfie stick joke here. Insert selfie stick under here. And selfie stick under penis. If you take selfie under penis or vagina till underscore anus,

you will be able to see a thin line at the middle of that line. Basic chakra is located, which is having 3.5 times more power than any other chakra. Can we do the math on that real quick? Sorry. Chief Skate, you got it? Actually, I was looking for my most recent selfie.

Oh, okay. It is also known as Kundalina Shakti. But I will not discuss about Kundalini also. I know readers are eager to know how... Oh, and... All right, for the next little bit,

everything I read has hyphens in between it. How Reiki healing increases sex power and orgasm. Yes. All right. First of all, you must know Reiki. From any guru, it must have been activated in your body. If not, so get activated. Fucking do it.

It's your fucking fault. Get activated. Yeah. There are online course from me also. So there you go. Then activate it in your palms. Now keep your palms on your penis. Reiki can flow...

Reiki can flow through cloths also. Don't worry. Now, you have to do this during a day. While working in office. While watching TV. All of those at once. Your actions should be so natural that no one could mark it out.

Behave normal, even if you feel extreme sexual desire increased within your body. Beware. Warning. This experiment is only for those men and women who have partners to have sex. Not, oh, or do not do it.

That was a bold and italic warning. Now you will start to feel heat around your penis or vagina area. Sometimes heat is experienced around full body. Both the palms should be kept in action whenever giving energy to your penis or vagina. Jazz hands. A man can give energy by putting

his palm on his partner's vagina so that after the sex, she will reach to the maximum orgasm. Put your hands on the vagina and be healed! When Reiki starts to flow from your body, your partner starts to feel on top of the heaven. A middle finger, when inserted deep in vagina,

folded little upwards, you will find a swelling spot. Now, start to give energy to it. And see the magic. A lady cannot control herself. She will scream. Cry. Will become aggressive. She will scream, cry, will become aggressive.

She may be unconscious. How are you guys doing over here? Really horny. Screaming and crying. They had to cut our mics. It was embarrassing. She may be unconscious if played correctly by the male. Rank E sucks!

Rank E sucks! Rank E sucks! Rank E sucks! Rank E sucks! Ranky sucks! Ranky sucks! Ranky sucks! Rank... This was exactly done by Osho. Female or male, also go through for gaity speed. First...

First papillica, meaning ants... Wait, spell that. A small current starts to flow from your blood. That is the start of foreplay. Second, boojang, meaning snakes. You will find your ant partner's body is twisting like snakes with each other's. A sweat-like oily thing starts to flow a little from the skin.

See a doctor. Which has a very different aroma and smooth feeling. Third, Manduk. Manduk? meaning frogs The actual stroking position is like frog jumps Where maximum energy is consumed Fourth, Vihang, meaning eagle When fly on the clouds spread his wings And feels a calmness

Here, after Vihang position, you will fight deep samadhi. Wonderful piece of mind. Normally, people don't understand, so they call it a sleep. Yeah, yeah. The question is, how much time will it take to increase sexual power? Actually,

it depends on every performer. Some may get results. Some may get results in a week. Some may not get results at all. If they don't believe in Reiki, or take Reiki, Kundalini Shakti as fake. This happens with medical science also.

If any doctor is famous for wrong treatment, and even if it gives you right treatment, still, you may not feel good. Anyways, please remember, don't try to increase length of your penis. Or don't be unhappy with small length of your penis, if you have any. I've been jelking for so long though There are two reasons

First is inside vagina There is no sensation deep inside That is true. You may be using the wrong brand of condom. A woman never feels anything after the depth of one or two and a half inch. We'll send you the whole penis, but you'll only need the edge. So even if you have 14-inch penis or 4-inch penis,

it doesn't make any difference for a woman? Ladies. Second is very important. Many times people watch XXX pornographic videos where a penis is shown 14 inches long and 4-inch in diameter. I'm sorry? Okay. So India is a country that

uses the metric system and they may be having a little trouble converting. That sounds right to me actually. That sounds very normal. I ask you a simple logical question. A woman has womb and internal system inside, which is not more than three inches deep.

That's not a question! I'm not done. If a male is inserting 14 inches penis inside, where is it entering inside? Is it going up to her abdomen? Lungs? Where? Lungs. Yes, lungs.

I think... Actually, I'm going to answer my own question. Actually, the answer is that penis is tricky, which is made... It's tricky! It's tricky! It's tricky to rock a penis!

A rock a penis! Rick Tricky. The penis is tricky. Wait. Real tricky dick. No. All right. What I'm saying

is absolutely correct. That penis is tricky, which is made of silicone, which gets crunched inside, creating the illusion of inserting inside. How did I know about that? One day, a group of F4 people...

Those F4 people. Better than the alt F4 people. Better than the F plus people, am I right? Whatever. Bring it on. One F4 people came to mate me. Mate me, yes. Came to mate me.

Two among them were working in pornographic film and not having satisfaction. So disturbed and left, they shown me everything, how camera tricks are used, and later on how VFX, VHS, and other effects are added. They add the effect of VHS.

In short, never get frustrated by looking at pornographic artists' performance. But the production values are really bad. It is also important to keep a cotton cloth with you while having sex. After the sex, a lady has to clean her vagina with cloth

and should make it completely dry. Ladies. Then she can have very sound sleep. Otherwise This is the unconsciousness you were talking about earlier, right? Yeah. Otherwise

there will be slurry around vagina even even if you use condoms. Yeah! That was my life companion, Boots Rangier! Yeah! This is not enough. This is not enough.

This is not enough. Satan demands more crap. Satan! Satan! Satan demands a fog machine, but I turned it off. We'll get to that. We're going to take a very quick break. The merch booth right back there.

You got T-shirts. You got posters. You got tattoos. They all look fantastic. You want to get that poster signed by somebody, we could probably make that work. It might be difficult. But yeah, so buy some merch and we're going to head out for just a sec. We'll be back

very soon with more satanic material. Satan! Stick around!