The F Plus - out03: In The Family [short]

Episode Date: June 4, 2010

This is a short horror script by a currently undiscovered screenwriter named Chris Keaton which we've decided to read. Hopefully this will catapult Mr. Keaton to the Hollywood success that he so clearly deserves.

Thank you for watching. I'm going to die. back. It was a script reading episode, and we read some good stuff. What ended up happening was that the episode kind of became unusable for various reasons, but what we have here, what we have is one piece from this episode that was really, really, really good

and needed to be shared. This is from a script writer named Chris Keaton, and he has a website, and on his website he has a whole number of scripts. They're mostly like five or ten minute long scripts covering a wide variety of topics like horror and comedy and sheep. You know, all the topics that you'd want from a script.

This is a horror script that he's written, and I don't want to give anything away, so we're just going to get into it. This is read by a couple of our readers, and yeah, hope you enjoy. In the Thumb by Chris Keaton Fade in Exterior Old Lady's House Day

A Grandmotherly Woman, 70 shakes Dr. Roy Gant's 38th hand. Thank you, doctor. No worries. It's nice to get out to the... He looks at her shack and the rusting truck in the yard. Country, every once in a while.

Roy turns to leave doctor he turns on puts on a fake smile she's wrestling with a decision submit bitch tap out he looks at his watch annoyed she notices Submit, bitch! Step out! He looks at his watch, annoyed.

She notices, and her mind's made up. The brooster boy down the road said this pa's ill, and the ma isn't doing so well. It'd be nice if you checked on him. Roy nods and hustles to his Lexus. Exterior Rural Road. Day. The Lexus gingerly drives down a rutted dirt road. At the end of the road

sits a small lane sinking into trees. The car rolls down the lane. Nestled in the woods is a derelict barn and homestead that butts up to a neglected field. Ah, hell! He steps out of the car and heads toward the ramshackle home.

An unearthly light peeks through the barn doors and captures his attention. Roy veers toward the barn. He reaches out to open the door. Clang! He shovels the door. Clang. He shovels the lights with his head. He's out. Interior kidnapper's house. Day.

Roy sits unconscious in a ratty chair. The room is dusty and worn. It would fit in the set of Deliverance perfectly. This chair gets raped a lot. You might think I'm ripping off the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It would fit in the set of Derivative perfectly. Didn't Deliverance take place almost entirely outdoors? Yeah, there were a lot of chairs, though.

I don't think you saw the part where I said it would fit in the set of Deliverance perfectly. A lumpy shape lies covered with a blanket on a soiled sofa. Jasper 25, crooked teeth, eyes not quite aligned right,

sits on a chair made of tree limbs and watches Roy. A sweatshirt hood covers his head. The lumpy shape makes a jibber-jabber noise. Jasper. That's not jibber-jabber, lumpy shape!

Jasper, irritated, responds in like. Jasper gently kicks, responds in like. Jasper gently kicks Roy's chair. Roy slowly comes to and then snaps awake. Which is it? Does he slowly come to or does he snap awake? No, it's slow and then... Roy's talented.

Oh, okay, I got it. After he slowly wakes up, he suddenly wakes up. All right. Oh, I see. He's really awake now. That's what they say. Double awake. What the hell?

He moans and grasps his head. Jasper holds up Roy's license and attempts to read it. Oh, sorry, Dr. Roy Dent. I thought you was a burglar. Roy eyes him suspiciously. Whatever. I guess I can go now. Roy tries to rise, but Jasper stops him. Jasper pulls his hood back, revealing a head that's misshapen and bald in patches.

Mama been sick since Pa died. Oh, yes, yes. I'm a doctor. I can help. That's why I came out here. You will help. The lumpy shape speaks its jibber-jabber language.

Oh, oh, boy. Jibber-jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber. Jasper shushes it he pities the fool what's going on no airplane sorry doctor as the smart one. Okay.

Jasper helps Roy up and leads him to the kitchen. Jasper and Roy stop at an open basement door. Jasper points down. I'm a who? Jasper flicks on a bare light bulb.

Its sickly glow illuminates the tattered staircase. Scratch marks mar the doorframe. Roy swallows back his fear. Down here? Jasper points down. Interior basement. Day. Jasper gives Roy. Interior basement. Day. Jasper gives Roy a gentle shove.

Mom. Roy smiles and proceeds down the cobweb-strewn stairs. The door closes behind him. He shakes his head and continues down into the murky darkness. They just throw all their fucking cobwebs down on the goddamn stairs. Can I stop you guys and say I am fucking terrified right now? We all did bring out

our creepiest possible voices for this. I just... Okay, but if you guys can bring it down a notch, because seriously. You've never seen this movie before. Here it comes. What movie? I don't want to see it. I am terrified.

Ma'am? A large, shadowy shape shifts in the darkness. The shape emits the same seemingly meaningless jibber-jabber that the lumpy shape and Jasper spoke. The jibber-jabber clears and becomes a beautiful female voice of Mama. Help me, please! Mama played by Bobcat Goldthwait. I'm here to help, ma'am.

I need your help! I can't see you. Where's the light? On your help! I can't see you. Where's the light? On your right! There! A little up! That's it! That's not my light switch!

Oh, yeah! Roy flicks a switch, and the decrepit basement comes into view. In the back, on a dirty mattress, lies a huge slug creature. It's chained to the wall. On top of the slug lies the naked PA-7DS, dead for days.

Oh, I used to have one of those, and my brother took it to college. I'm sorry. It looked one of those in my brother's chicken salad. I'm sorry. It looked like an acronym. I'll read it again. You roll it for seven damage. The Naked Production Assistant. Oh. Poor guy.

You know, they don't get enough credit, though. Seriously, guys. On top of the slug lies the naked Paw 70S, dead for days. The slug points its liquid black eyes at Roy, its tiny mandibles gnash, making the jibber-jabber sound. However, instead of the meaningless

prattle, the woman's voice speaks. Pardon? Help me, please! Roy covers his mouth and dry he. The slug pulsates and knocks Pa off the bed. It rattles its chains in the process. Roy bends over and puts his hands on his knees.

He takes a few deep breaths. What? What? My God! Help me! I don't know how you guys can laugh at a time like this. This is horrifying. I'm sorry, Jim L2!

I cannot be too scared! Show up! No, don't talk to me! I don't want to have any kind of interactions with the slug. It's awful. That's the most beautiful voice I've ever heard! Thank you! Thank you!

Topic, guys! Roy runs his hands through his hair. He snaps straight. Realization crosses his face. You are... Roy dry heaves again. The slug lets out a grunt. What have they done?

He looks at the dead naked corpse of Pa and back upstairs. His body shakes in revulsion. To you! Oh, God! Help me! Every time. Roy. Roy. I gotta get my voice back.

Roy creeps toward the slug and examines the chain. The slug shifts. Roy steps back. They look eye to eye. The image of the slug and the nasty mattress wavers. It's replaced by a sultry woman on a new mattress. She lies naked and willing. Roy's mesmerized.

Okay, I have to read this one seductively now. Yes, you do. Yes! Help me! I knew you were going to do that. I saw that coming. Well telegraphed, sir. She spreads her legs. Roy swoons.

Woo, yeah! If he's swooning, should we just cut to the next scene? No. It's like a I'm in love swoon, not a I'm fainting swoon. Oh. Rips off his shirt and mounts the slug.

Oh. Interior facing. Oh. Bam, bam, thank you, slug. How does he physically mount the slug? I'm just trying to get the physics worked out here. Yeah, this is

not very well written here. No, I beg to differ. Just this one tiny part. Interior basement. Day. The slug pulsates as contractions rack its body. Roy, naked and malnourished, is pressed against the back of the slug.

Out of an orifice, a large-headed mutant baby, complete with tentacles for arms, slides out. Roy smiles at it. It's got such cute tentacles. Jasper gingerly picks it up and smiles at it, as much as his mutation will allow. You member of the family.

Roy, with feverish bloodshot eyes, smiles at his new family. Fade out. Buckets to your left. Goodness lord. Wow. That doesn't even make sense.

Question. Important question. How many times did this Chris Keaton guy beat off writing this, do you think? Oh my god. He probably had to stop many times. I imagine that every character's name was Chris, and then in the final edit he changed them all to different characters.