The F Plus - pdx1: A Portland Podcast

Episode Date: March 6, 2016

Lemon recently visited Portland. He met up with his friends Jack Chick and Nutshell Gulag to explore the city's restaurants, shops and bars. When the day was over and the group had plenty of liquor in them, he decided to test their friendship by making them all read stories from a site called Booksie. Booksie is the premier platform for unpublished authors who are interested in publishing things where nobody is willing to see them. Then Jack Chick made a batch of whiskeynanners (from episode 204) and made us all eat some. This week, The F Plus stops you with a tree.

That whiskey won't ever be nice again! You did this to it! Hello listeners, this is the F Plus Podcast. This time broadcasting directly to you from Portland, Oregon. I have two friends of mine in the room with me. I got Jack Chick. Hey, how we doing? And Nutshell Gulag. Woohoo!

Both of whom are Portland citizens. Jack, how long have you been here? A little over a year. A little over a year. Nutshell Gulag. Woo! Both of whom are Portland citizens. Jack, how long have you been here? A little over a year. A little over a year. Nutshell? My entire life. Your entire life. Entire life in a town of obsequious politeness and of the innovation of it's a business like the business you're familiar with, except there's beer.

I've definitely noticed that as a trend that happens. It's a movie theater, except there's beer. Everything's better with beer. Come on, we didn't take you to the arcade where there was beer. You did? You definitely did. Oh, yeah. There's a certain...

Well, they didn't have beer at the donut show. Yeah, there's a certain statement of our existence in this world where we were in an arcade at like 4.30 and then an announcement comes on and says

it is now 4.30 all children must leave the arcade because we're about to start serving beer. Everybody else get out your cards. Yeah. So I was hoping that we could do a recording here and our spirit animal, Montreth,

was lovely enough to provide. Thanks, Montreth! Thanks, Montreth! And this time, Montreth has provided us with a site called Booksy. That is booksy.com. That sounds cute. It is cute. It says, tell your stories.

Share your short stories, novels, poems, and more with the world. Oh, good. You can see on the homepage there, the recent reads, the featured reads, rather, are The Rich Man's Temptation by Anarchy Blues. the homepage there the recent reads uh the featured reads rather are uh the rich man's temptation by anarchy blues christmas dinner in the sandbox parentheses camp arfajan kuwait for your dining pleasure triple ellipsis by edward c morton well so i mean obviously you know no i mean you know that it's a quality product that they're selling. If that's on the fucking front page and featured. And finally.

We're just like, yeah, this is the best we got. And finally, a story by AJ Enperson that is called Re-Duppity. What? I don't know. That's all the information I can give you. Yay! So that's the featured quality of work. We're not going to be going to the high-profile stuff.

Of course not. No, no, no. So Jack Chick, I'm going to hand you this laptop here, and I want you to start off with a story by Angel forward slash Demon. It's published by Booksy Classic House. And it is called The Phoenix, misspelled. All right. This is The Phoenix.

Do you want the summary? Yeah, please, the summary. Yeah, so the summary. About a girl with shape-changing powers having to chose between two paths, love or death. Which one will she choose? I mean, we'll find out. Okay, good, good, good. I'm on the hook.

Dear reader, I would like to take you back in time before Ben Franklin. Before Gorge Washington. to take you back in time before Ben Franklin. Before Gorge Washington. By the end of this reading, the bile is going to be rising about Gorge Washington. Yep. Before it all, all the way back to the begging.

Okay, so not that far, but you get my point. Hi, I'm Cassandra. Hi, Cassandra. Oh, God. Is this the same lady who wrote my story from F plus? I don't know. Let's find out. All right. Hi, I'm Cassandra Par Hi, Cassandra. Oh, God. Is this the same lady who wrote my story from F plus? I don't know. Let's find out. All right.

Hi, I'm Cassandra Pariwink, and I am 10,000 years old. Back before I turned 15, then I wasn't what I am now. Then I was still human. Well, half human. See, my mom was a human, but my dad, on the other hand, he was different. Ooh, okay. How different? Well, come on.

Let me explain before you jump at the gun. He was the phoenix. No, not the cat. The man they named the huge cat thing in Erupt. The, what, the, the, not the cat? No, no, the cat. The man they named the huge cat thing in Erupt. Okay.

Sure, let's go with that. How can I make this any clearer? Let's walk this back. First of all, do you think the phoenix is the sphinx? I may very well, well, yes. And then do you think that Egypt is actually called Erupt? I mean, that was its original name 10,000 years ago. Of course, of course. It's a caveman name.

Yeah, no, exactly. It's changed. Possibly by big government. My mistake. I apologize. He was a shape changer. When I was born, my father gave me his powers of immortality and shape changing. Then after he did, he died of old age.

Whoa! I think I noticed a plot hole. So your father gave you the gift of immortality that he also had. Yes. And then what happened afterwards? Well, then he died of old age. Never mind, I'm wrong. Yeah, go.

Boy, you sure have egg on your face today. I apologize. Because when I got his powers, he was 100,000 years young, as he liked to say. 100,000? Years young. So he was, like, he was homo erectus? Sure. Well, anyway, here is my story.

Cass, where did you run off to this time? You better not be in that tree again! And yelled Max as he walked toward a magnificent tree the size of 50 men. How old are you again, Cassandra? 10,000 years old. And this is the most interesting story from your life. Why wouldn't it be? Like a story about a treehouse.

Okay, sorry. I don't know why you're questioning this so much. Of course I did! When don't I? you're questioning this so much. Of course I did. When don't I? I yelled down from the lowest branch. I know, I know, quotation mark. He yelled back as he stepped into the sunlight. Max was incredibly handsome with long jet black hair and a strong chin, thin nose and

deltaic eyes the color of emeralds and skin the color of honey. Now shall any guess what he was going for with deltaic? Delicate. Are we playing the wrongest word now? I don't know what that game is. But I have heard of a great game called Damn That Dog. Oh really?

And where would I go if I wanted to play that one? Okay. As he stepped closer and closer to the tree I changed my shape into a bird and landed next to him you know that's not fair you changing into animals and then there's me growing trees

and whatnot he said as a mushroom as big as a chair grew next to him as he sat on it you see his mom was an elf and dad was a sorcerer okay I, I see. I see. I like that burying the lead there. Like, yeah, that's the best place to explain that.

Elf, sorcerer, phoenix. Phoenix. Phoenix. And then tree person. Ent. Right? I don't know where you're getting the tree person from. Yeah, no, her mom was human.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Aren't you paying attention to the plot? I am very much trying to I promise. No it's just so interesting that it's hard to keep track of it's just a lot of metaphor it's very subtle changing my shape I said yeah well at less

ellipsis I stopped as an arrow suddenly flew out of nowhere right at me. It would have hit me if Max hadn't stopped it with a tree. I shot my arrow in the air and where it landed, I do not care. Oh my. He stopped it

with a tree. That's fucking effective. Run! Max yelled as he entered the forest. There's a forest? Okay. Well, you can't see the forest where the tree is. Unlike Max, I don't get scared easily.

I was torch how to fight when I was very young for people wanted to put me into zoos and have me for a pet. As soon as he left me eye of sight, I changed into a bird and flew to the top of the tree waiting and watching for the hunter. I think you already did that. Didn't you already turn into a bird and fly to the tree? No. But then she was a person again. She was a person. And then she turned back into a bird and flew back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was really more interesting the second time. Yeah, no. I mean, the other thing is the story is just so riveting. Like, it's so interesting. Yeah, I know. I mean, the other thing is the story is just so riveting. Like, it's so interesting. Yeah, riveting is the word. What happened next I didn't think would have happened.

The hunter was my ex! I wouldn't have thought that would happen either. I can't believe that you guys are not more stunned by that. I am. I mean, that's like the biggest plot twist

I could possibly imagine. Yep. Really? Mm-hmm. How's your imagination these days? Terrible. Okay. I am. I mean, that's like the biggest plot twist I could possibly imagine. Yep. Really? How's your imagination these days? Terrible. Okay. Just awful. Just god fucking bottom of the barrel. Ever since that mule kicked you. Yeah, no.

We don't like to talk about the accident, Lemon. My ex, I thought I could have trusted him with my secret bee. He just went off and buys a weapon and tries to kill me for money. Sure. That is a whole paragraph.

I disagree. It's paragraph-like. Cassie, come out wherever you are. His voice sent chills down my spine. Sorry, I'm trying to figure out. How the fuck did you lose your place? No, I don't actually know who is saying this line, so I

don't know what voice to do it in. We'll do it in his voice. I know you're here. I saw you change. I just need your help. I'd had to test to see if you still had that prick. You do. So, Cassie's a hermaphrodite? I think he's jealous of Mushroom Boy.

You do know he can't be trusted, right? He called me to come kill you and to split the money with me. Copyright 2016, Angel Flash Demon. You know it started out slow, but I really liked the ending. Yeah, it made perfect sense. The character I don't know who is talking

says incomprehensible gibberish. I'm surprised that it didn't end with just the words BAIL OUT! Oh, shit! Cattle harder. Well, yeah, so that was terrific

I learned a lot about Cassie and that means that we are going to move on to a different story this is chapter one of two from a story called the chamber of death

by James Nungo. Now, shall I know that you and Jack Chick have been binging some on different horror movies,

right? So you appreciate the genre. You like the horror genre. Yeah, definitely. Well, that's great because this is a story with

I'd say 160 words and it is Oh, so the script's longer than Hellraiser 4. Do they use any of the words more than once? Yes. Is there repetition?

It is tagged Horror, Death, and Chamber. And this is called The Chamber of Death by Mr. John Lovers. Mr. John Lovers. Oh, doggie. Mr. John Lovers. Hi, I'm John Lovers, and I'm here to talk to you about Santo Gold. Okay. Order now. Horror story about a man who dies in his chamber after dreaming

with an entity. What? I'm on. Yeah, no, I'm in. I'm in. You heard me. You've got my ticket. He begins turning the lights off like every night he does. The door was closed and locked. His hand was navigating on the dark chamber to find a cover to cover himself. He was all alone, really all alone, and getting ready to sleep. He was hearing something strange whispering in his ears like headset.

When you use it to listen to music on your phone, he hears words with no sense. But that voice brought him fear. His body was getting frozen because of fear. He was not able to move even a single finger. His eyes were found closed and his body was sweating as if he was on fire. His eyes were closed and still his body wet. That was all one sentence with a lot of commas. Yeah, I know.

I mean, when the sentence is that powerful, you need to just keep it going. The clock was showing 12.01pm and he had just turned the lights off at 1.18am. He was staring tirelessly at the clock and he was lucky enough to remember that he had just turned the lights off at 1.18am so he realized that he is

facing a nightmare. Oh, that was lucky that he remembered that. Yeah. Because if it's 1.18, he is facing a nightmare. Oh that was lucky that he remembered that. Yeah. Because if it's 118 you're having a nightmare. Well yeah. That's one of the truisms about 118. Yeah. That's what I schedule mine. Yeah. Nightmare and then back to REM sleep. Yep. He was

seeing himself laid on bed and a naked entity with woman structure over his body. His arms and legs. I saw woman structure over his body and legs. His arms and legs. I saw Woman Structure in Berlin. They were amazing. Yeah! How was that show? They were great. Fucking awesome, man.

He said discreetly, I'm not frightened anymore cause I know that this is a dream. Suddenly he woke up and his neck was tied by a rope on the roof from his chamber. Slowly his eyes were shutting up and getting dark. I have no idea what's going on. Next day, the cops found him dead and the clock was showing 12.01 p.m. Oh, no.

Was it 12.01 p.m.? Was that why the clock was showing that? Yeah. I... That's not an issue. Yeah, no, because that's the horror of it is that the time was different than any of the other times that were... It's not 1218. Yeah, no. Well, that's the whole thing, right? Is that time didn't stop.

That's why it's scary. So I would summarize that as Insomniac has a panic attack? I don't know. I think I would probably just describe that as garbage.

Just utter shit. Tag that with really awful. Boring run-on sentence. All right. Well, that's fine. That's fine. So we're going to read another in the horror category. I don't know if I can take another.

I see all of us have socks on. We do. Okay. Well, I don't know what the state of your socks is going to be by the end of this. Hold on to your socks! Because this is a short story by an author you're familiar with, Obscure Horror. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this one.

And this is called The Night Stalker. Okay, good. So it's about Richard Ramirez. I thought it was about Volchak. So it has one tag. Possibly the X-Man. It has one tag in the system and the tag is IDK. I'm feeling scared already. That's the thing

about metadata. It's really hard to put together. And yeah, so I start off the story by saying my friend Noah wrote this one you can blame Noah for this yeah yeah yeah it's all Noah's fault

I didn't write this this happened a long time ago when I was 14 years old I was sitting in my couch when I saw a figure in the window I did not think much of because we have a lot of trees around my house.

What? I woke up the next morning to the same tree or figure and I got a little concerned. I turned away anyway. For a while, I woke up to the same thing. By then, I was very paranoid. So, I went outside to...

I, too, get really paranoid when there's a tree outside my window? Well, yeah, because when there's a tree outside my window. Well, yeah, because then there's phoenixes around. It's a whole... You've seen Poltergeist? Trees can't be trusted. I would... Also Evil Dead.

Evil Dead, yeah. For a while, I woke up to the same thing. By then, I was very paranoid. So, I went outside to scope the scene. When I was outside, I saw nothing. to scope the scene when i was outside i saw nothing scope the scene bruh and said it was just a shadow the next morning i woke and the shadow was not there i wondered why it wasn't there what i wonder what i don't understand how shadows work that is terrifying like like okay well there was a thing outside my window and then a completely different I don't understand how shadows work. That is terrifying.

Like, okay, well, there was a thing outside my window, and then a completely different thing was then not outside my window? I wondered why it wasn't there, but then I realized that it was not a shadow. It was a person watching me the whole time. And that is the time that you're listening to the band whole, the whole time. Oh. Yeah, now you're scared. the band whole. The whole time. Oh. Yeah. Now you're scared. Now it's doubly terrifying. I am to all parts.

I was almost scared to death. I did not know what to do. My body was in full panic mode. My parents weren't home and someone is stalking me. I don't know what his intentions are. Quickly I called the police and told them about the stalker. They had found no evidence of a stalker. They just told me

to be safe and be careful about where you go and what you do. That sounds like what the police would do. Yeah, I think there's somebody stalking me outside my window. Nah, there's nobody stalking you outside your window. Calm down, paranoia. That's pretty accurate, actually.

It's good to know. I bought my stocking effort. Stocking's easy. Send ten easy payments to. Then my parents came home, and I was relieved for the moment. During the night, I woke up to the sound of my closet door creeping open. I freaked out and ran out of the room and told my parents. They went into the room and found nothing.

I thought I was going crazy, but I woke up to the same sound. I thought I was going crazy, but I woke up to the same sound. Gotcha. Yeah, that makes sense. That's absolutely the word you should use there. I realized I wasn't going crazy. And that someone was in my mouth. I know.

So I was really worried about this tree outside my window. And then I woke up and was sucking a dick. Surprise! this tree outside my window and then I woke up and was sucking a dick. Surprise! Surprise! I must be going crazy. Apparently I'm in

Jerk City. Okay, so sound of my... Someone was in my mouth, period. Quotation mark. I am so dead. End of quotation mark I am so dead end quotation mark laughing okay

I'm writing this from beyond the grave so I am so dead I thought to myself this was only the beginning a few days of unforgiving things passed before my eyes that's past P-A-S-T by then I started investigating my house, but nothing.

This night would really put screams in me. Putting something in you. That's an interesting way to spell semen. I woke to the closet again, of course. I went to the closet, but to my shock, there was nothing. My closet did lead to the attic? Yeah, I know. That's how closets work.

It's a weird house. Closets go up. The old attic closet. Classic. I live in a Wisconsin Dells fun house. Well, it's very important that the attic is completely inaccessible to everybody but one person. The attic, I thought.

But when I went up there, there was nothing. I went back to the bed, and to this day, I won't forget the body possessives of my parents that were in the bed. I cried and told the man or ghost that was in my house to stop. Quotation mark. He said, okay. Stop hurting my family, quotation mark, I screamed out. What? For the next few nights, I did not get any sleep at all.

What? Because I'm living... Wait, was I sleeping with my parents' corpses? Like, are the parents dead? Or like... He found his parents, you know, doing it. Fucking? Yeah.

Engaging in sexual intercourse? Come on. He's in the attic. Let's go. He witnessed the primal scene. I kept for the next few nights I couldn't sleep at all. I kept getting signs of that one man on the

walls and furniture. Every time I sighed and moved on. At this point I'm bored of the haunting. I don't even. That old trick? Every time I sighed and moved on, at this point I'm bored of the haunting. I don't even, yeah. I don't even. That old trick? I just. On one night, everything would change.

I plan to get home by setting traps to catch, capital him. That's the thing that I do when I go home. I set traps on the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I go home to the house where my either dead or fucking parents are. It's hard to put a bear trap on my bed. Yeah, because I go home to the house where my either dead or fucking parents are. It's hard to put a bear trap on my bed. Yeah.

to catch him and call the police and get him in jail. The plan worked until when I went to check the traps on was activated and in the shape like a man was in it. That sentence needs one more read no plan worked until when i went to check the traps on was activated and in the shape a man was in it masterwork thank you you know you know actually i will say this i was remiss earlier

when i uh was said that uh the tag IDK was inappropriate. I really DK. Yeah. I panicked to figure out that it was a ghost. When I went to bed, I saw carvings on the wall that said things like get out, stay away. What could this mean?

IDK. It's a puzzler. What could this mean? What language is this? Had someone lived there? Why does he want me to leave? It did not make any sense at all. I went to my parents' room and found something

crazy. My parents had a pentagram under the rug. Why would they do this? I said to myself. Could it be Satan? Satan. You see, there's a show called Saturday Night Live. A long, long time ago. A long, long time ago there was

a man named Dana Carvey that had a career. And that doesn't happen anymore. He's got a baboon heart. They some... Hmm. They some and demons to our home. Oh.

Also, it's not ghosts. It's demons. That's okay, then. Yeah, that makes no sense. That night, I woke up for 1,000th time. I went downstairs and I saw it face to face

it was ugly and bloody and freakish it scared me because that was what is watching me the whole time

again the time for whole yeah quickly I left the house and fast and ran and ran as fast as I could

to ran the house as fast as I could to... ran the house as fast as I could to get away from the house. I never saw it again. Copyright 2016 Obscure Horror

All Rights Reserved. Yay! Stay tuned for the sequel. Yeah, that was... That was... That was... That was something. So what do you think?

Compare that to Paranormal Activity? Better or worse? Probably better. Worse than the first one, but better than the other ten. Okay, okay. Well, there's plenty more things that we have here to read. Once again, document provided by Montreth.

Thanks, Montreth. Thank you, Montreth. Lovely. Lovely document it is. I mentioned in the beginning that even though the site is called Booksy, it says share your short stories, novels, poems, and more with the world. Okay. And so people have decided to do exactly that. So we're going to skip into the poetry section of this site. So it will end

badly for me. Remember kids, there's a fine line between share and overshare. And I could give an intro to this story, or this poem here, but Jack Chick, I think you could probably do it much more justice

than I could. So tell me about this poem. Okay. This is a poem by Cal's Joy. And its title is, Pastors are Great Spiritual Leaders. Okay. What is it tagged with?

Pasta is what? God, Church, Bible, Leader, and Pasta, leader, and pastor. Pastor. Yeah. No, you're confused because it was a terrible, terrible accent. Excellent accent?

Oh, you're right. No, I know. It's an easy mistake to make. It's one of those accents that's so terrific that you mistake it for terrible. Yeah, it's too good mistake to make. It's one of those accents that's so terrific that you mistake it for terrible sometimes. Yeah. It's too good for this world. And that's why I should never do it again. All right.

This was a poem I wrote for a pastor, thanking him for all he has done for everyone in the church. All right. Pastors are great spiritual leaders by being able to be great speakers. Having many cool talents and features by reaching out to many people even to non-believers so i need everything this is the intro to your poem when does the poem start whenever we need help we know who we can call you are willing to help and support us all you care so much and go out of your own way no matter matter the time of day. Okay, Jack-Jack, you're a musician, right? Yeah. Yeah, you do like music.

Do you have a metronome around here? I do. Okay, well, let me just, I'll do it myself. Okay. And then, yeah, okay? Yeah, I mean, I can, yeah, we can put it on, but okay. You set your own agendas aside willing to

stand beside even in the toughest storm you inform us that God can transform stop living the metronome Lemon this is harder

than it sounds just imagine every time you see that you hear a plural that there's an apostrophe there just every single fucking time god has given us you semicolon our pastor that's one line god has given us you our, to open us the church door. And set us up the bond. That's what you need. That's what you need a pastor for. You've heard those two good lines.

He's the church doorman. You've heard those two good lines. I'm sure the meter of this next line is going to be great. Okay. So we can all come together in faith and unity to spread the love of God throughout the community. Perfect. Perfect.

Oh, shit. I read that wrong. I'm sorry. It should have been past-door, so it rhymed with door. Yeah. Yeah, that's how people pronounce it. Yep. Like the pineapple and pork thing.

You use your church for the broken, making us making making us feel valuable and specially chosen by putting in so much time and devotion to all your work with strong emotion. Now you're getting

into white snake territory at this point. You add humor to make sermons fun, especially when you... No apostrophe there. Especially when you let God take the stage. Because we all can

know the victory he has won. I mean, that's a good sermon. I mean, if you actually get God to guest in your sermon, that's a get. That I mean, if you actually get God to guest in your sermon, like, that's a get. That's powerful. Well, I really like how the stanzas have changed in their meter now. Now, you're saying these words, these rubbish, garbage, nonsensical words, stanzas and meters. Why are you using, is that Klingon?

I don't understand what that means. Yeah, my mistake, my mistake. So let me just. It's what you call approximate lime lemon. Jeez. Let me just finish this one off, though. Plus, it's enjoyable and easy to engage. Whenever we are facing a trial,

you help us look at the positive angle, making us feel better and smile, letting us know that God can easily make it untangle. Okay. I know where you were going. Sure. I know where you were going. Sure. I know where you were going. Did you have a metronome on that one?

Did your keyboard not have a backspace? It's just one of those. It's arctic. No, I mean, it does. Why would I use it, though? Just in case you write your own rethink. When everything you write is gold, you don't need to fucking remove anything.

You just have to let the inspiration flow out through your hands and onto the keyboard. This is basically the on the road of poetry and I enjoy it equally as much. Jack Chick's gone bye-bye. Alright, alright. I got this

you are a great example by helping us keep spiritually full by giving us wonderful advice we want you to know that is very nice whoa that's not the rhyme I would have expected that's why you're a terrific poet

because you keep surprising me I thought you might have gone bull you went nice. No, no, no, no, because the stanzas meter has changed again. So let me just read that one again to you. Stop using those nonsense words. Let me read that one to you again, because I don't think you've got the full impact. All right, all right, all right.

I got my hand, I got my face in my hands. Giving us wonderful advice, we want you to know that is very nice. Aww. Isn't that sweet? That to know that is very nice. Aww. Isn't that sweet? That is nice. You show so much care by all your prayers despite our situation we know God

uses you to help in the long run. Yep, that rhymes. Next! God's a bit of a user. Yep, that rhymes. Next. God's a bit of a user. All right, I'm going to try and hold Demeter here. You are always there to help others in need by planting a seed. In you, we can see God's love coming out. And that's what life is all about.

Keep going. Keep going. Come on. You got it now. So many people see God in you. You live in such a way that those who don't know him can see him in all that you do. Your love for God is all over the

brim. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even want to. I just, yeah. I'm just serious. It's all over the brim like paraffin. Oh, God. Oh, God.

It gets even better. All right. How can it get better for me? God is what you live and proclaim. We can see you live for the glory of his name. You sure are filling a lot of cups. Keep it up. Is God holding a house party now?

Like a $5 kegger? Yeah, dude. He got a precious fuck fade and now he's holding a house party. To all of us, you are a blessing thanks for all you are dressing sharing we confessing see that lemon this is why your poetry career failed i find this very distressing no sharing yeah yeah sharing no no no it's perfect we would like to thank you for all that you show and do. All right. Now, this is the really fucking hard part.

Okay. Okay. You got it. You got it. This is a part I added for a pastor who loves fishing. When we are lost and don't know where to look, you help be our guide, teaching us to cast the right hook, or like Jesus, to cast our nets on the other side. Maybe next time you want to be in the same room as your metronome. You can't just set it up and walk away.

I just... Sometimes we get tempted by the wrong bait and make the wrong bite. We know God is there to assist once he's the master pitcher and he'll get the right tackle and we'll be alright. So you're saying God is the master

what? It's a little late to use this fisherman metaphor but I guess you really nailed it home I mean like put a nice bow on it okay okay yeah yeah okay okay I'll stop being fishy let's get to the

real pissy point real as in a fucking fishing reel oh lovely you've made a big difference in city with the gift to anoint. Copyright 2016, Cal's Joy. All rights reserved.

Oh, that one was good. That was my favorite couplet right there. As we know it, and I feel fine. Leonard Bernstein. Leonard Bernstein Leonard Bernstein Well that was Great That was good

That was on par with the rest of F plus poetry Yeah no I mean Sure It's always fun Here's one of the things that I like about poetry As a form Is that it's interesting the various ways that it can fail. Yeah.

Like, F plus poets don't, they all fail in very different ways. That was a hell of a spot to get out there. Well, I mean, I think that that one was pretty unique in that it failed in almost all of the possible ways. So, uh, so, uh, that was in the document, um, uh,

that Mantra put together. This poem, Mantra, titled A Terrible Poem. I feel like, I don't know why she would, I'm sorry, sir,

more terrible poetry. I don't know why she would you know, like, deign to make those kind of aspersions on something. Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, the thing about Mantra is that she always finds really high quality content. Yeah, yeah, like, deign to make those kind of aspersions on something. Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, the thing about Montreth is that she always finds really high-quality content.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, nutshell, I'm going to ask you to read this, but I would like you to read this from an open heart and an open mind. You know, this might be great. It might be a good poem, Jack Chick. It might be a good poem. I know. So let's keep in mind, English is a second language for Montreux.

Yeah. She might not be able to pick up on the subtle metaphors that impress her. Okay. Okay. All right. My poem is called No Place Like Hell. It's by Rembrandt Writing, which is me. The tags are love, depression, poetry, sad,

slam poetry. Oh, slam poetry. Okay. The summary is one life, one love, one chance. To make a difference. Blinded, the only violence to me was sincerity, silence.

I watch the sunset and it sets my eyes. I hear voices. I fall asleep at night oh hi wait for that day when i finally for the last time i shut my eyes oh sweet death i take my last breath oh my god i am immortal i sold my saddle and now I'm god I am David Gabor I am alone And no one to call my own Kay

Have no one to hold a dog Without a kennel, a hobo Without a home The place like hell The place like hell, the place like hell, where I'd burn well. I don't care no more. So take, take, take my soul. It's not worth all the gold. I'd only worth pennies.

And diamonds if I had a soul. But you have it. You're my all and everything. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I know. That's really nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So give it all away.

Wait, but. And sell your soul. Give it away. Give it away. No, never. No, no. Never seen before. all away wait but give it away give it away no never no no never seen

before see the new world as low never before one mark one beast one man

to run it all king of the ocean king of the sea the man I know him and he knows me so this is now

about Poseidon I thought you were lonely though. Lock the doors! Okay. Sell your soul. I mean if I lock the doors then people will be banging on them to get into the slam poetry concert. Don't let no one own you, no more. Able to see the world is a lie

and your soul is precious but he wants it so hand it over and join the new world order and become alive inside alright that didn't make any sense what was that poem about

I don't know well hang on hang on was it tagged IDK no I mean okay so you're immortal but you're lonely but you're friends

with Poseidon but you love me but you want me to throw my love into the sea right am I following with you now

or am I just misinterpreting all of your poems hell if I know Nachal Gulag Nachal Gulag! Nachal Gulag, everybody. Thank you! Yes.

It's me. And, yeah, so that was No Place Like Hell. Do we get to hear a poem from you, Lemon? Be it ever so humble There's no place like hell

So, Montreux, that was in the document that was listed as more terrible poetry. This poem that I'm about to read to you was in the document as the most terrible poetry. Now we're getting to the good stuff. Good. All right, here we go. So this is a poem by M.A. Carr.

It's in Ma Carr, it's in the religion and spirituality genre it is called Serious Debut okay alright I assume I will understand what that means after we are done

well it's got a couple tags Allah Friends, Maine. M-A-N-E. Gucci Maine? Yes, exactly like Gucci Maine. Yeah. Serious-Debut. And on-

fire. Those are the tags. Sweet. So the poet is on fire and is now burned to ash? Here we go. God's Allah. And he's wise. Made your eyes all full of stars. Nope. There's no wake.

Time's no guy. Time lies life with most of the pie. Serious,ious debut sending alive. Yep. Your friend's on fire. Search for the change. Their plan has to maim, as in the arcade cabinet software.

A big old frame. Reckon with Allah. Before it's too late, go for the prize and live on without disguise. Life has the fight. Allah has your wife. And nothing new makes crime a compromise.

Skills? What the hell, man? What? That's a weird way to respond after you just heard the inscription you want on your epitaph. That's her. And nothing new makes crime a compromise.

Skills are made with all your planes. Give up the gold and rock your loan. The end. The end. Did Jack write the end? No, that was mine. Okay.

Jesus fucking Christ. I thought that the last one was meaningless, but that was just a steaming pile of shit. I found some words, so I like, you know, fucking put them here. It was fine. I found some words, so I like, you know, if I can just fucking put them here, it's fine.

So, Jack Check, I am in your apartment right now. Yeah. Sitting at your kitchen table. I'm looking to the right, and I

see the remnants of a charcuterie plate we put together. Yeah, it was excellent. It was a nice charcuterie plate.

That's all over on the right side, and that looks lovely. Yeah, so you're looking at the wrong side of the table here, Levin. Oh, right, what side should I look at? You should be looking on the right side and that looks lovely yeah so you're looking at the wrong side of the table here all right what side should i look at you should be looking at the left side i'm looking at the left side what is that that would be uh two bananas suspended in some woodford reserve bourbon a recipe that was provided to us by a lovely man

named andy cater buxton andy cater buxton so I'm going to take the cling film off the top of this. I warn you that this is going to smell awful. Why would it smell awful? Well, because it's bananas in fucking goddamn whiskey and that's it. So yeah, so we're going to take the cling film off here. It's a deconstructed daiquiri. No, it really, really isn't. Natchell, would you like to come over here to get some of the aroma?

No, not really, but... Oh, dear. Yeah, that's not good at all. THEFPL.us, we will have photos of this meal. It smells like where fruit flies go to die. So what I would say about, you know, again, we've got the photos on the site.

What I would say... Well, let's say that they look like poop logs. To those of you who are listening to this, I've never seen a hobo's dick. You're missing out, man. If you can imagine what a hobo's dick looks like, that's, um,

that's what this is. So this is, it's called banana surprise. Is that right? Yeah, I think that's what it was. Alrighty. And how come your fork just keeps failing to go into it?

Uh, you know, uh, give me a fork for this. Why don't I have a fork for this? Yeah, I forgot to get forks for them. Um,

so yeah, lemon is going off to get some forks. That's going to be good. So I was, you forks for them. So, yeah, Lemon is going off to get some forks. That's going to be good. So I was... You gave me the tip. I... So the whiskey is permeated basically like a full centimeter in. Just pretty impressive.

I'm going to get a picture here of this. And then we're going to get some pictures of Nutshell and Lemon holding their delicious food. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, I'm just going to use that fork. All right. I'm going to get some pictures of Nutshell and Lemon holding their delicious food. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, I'm just going to use that fork. All right. I'm going to... So what hole in my body does this go into?

You know, I'm not sure exactly. Here we go. Banana surprise. Now, I remember Andy K. DeBuckson said that it doesn't look great. You did. You did. But he also said that it tastes delicious. And it might cause alcoholism.

That's fair. So here we go. I'm going to get a picture of Lemon eating this. Alright, so one, two, three! Cheeky! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm! Oh! Oh my god! Oh Jesus Christ. Oh, Christ. That's a texture. This is almost as bad as the time I got the creamy scallop at a sushi place. Holy shit, how is this worse than the Doritos sandwich? Okay. So...

Um... Oh, fuck! I'm gonna do this. I ate fucking fish jello. I could eat this fucking whiskey banana. Yeah, you ate the entire fish jello, by the way. She ate the entire fish jello. Okay, I need more. Okay, um, so...

That looks selsier. If I was to describe the flavor, imagine that... Well, it's delicious. Imagine a tire fire came to life and then ejaculated into your mouth. No, it's... You're missing out on the... Oh, fuck! Lemon just put the other one into his mouth. I'm trying to finish this.

Yeah, me too. Okay, here we go. I got this. You guys are pussies! I got this. I sure as hell won't love it. Okay, this is the last bite of mine. We left a little bit of the cheese and the meat.

If I can finish this, I can put some more of that in my mouth. Although I don't think I ever want to eat again. Yeah, I seriously feel like I want to fucking vomit. I'm done. I'm finishing. Give me the rest of the butter. Yeah, here you go. There's an entire other banana here for you.

No, no. You said we could light the other one on fire. Oh, that's true. We did say that. Banana surprise plambe. So what we're going to do, we're going to cut this up and we're going to put it into the bowl here. Excellent. Yeah, so we're going to have...

I was thinking in a pan or something, you know, vaguely fireproof. But sure, that works. You know, I don't really have good ideas. That's why I have a fucking banana soaked in whiskey that I just put in my fucking mouth. That's why I have a fucking banana soaked in whiskey that I just put in my fucking mouth. So in just a minute here, we're going to enjoy some banana surprise flambe on the assumption that fire will somehow make this better. It's a terrible idea. But before we get to that, we're going to have a story about one of the very oldest themes in at least American literature.

Jack Chick, what do you think is one of the most classic themes in American literature? Prostitution. I was going to say, yeah. Do you have any other guesses? Nature. Nature, okay. You're actually kind of close with the second one. Walt Whitman's penis.

Which is? That's, no. I mean, that is nature. The. Okay. You're actually kind of close with the second one. Walt Whitman's penis. Witches? That's... No. I mean, that is nature. The correct answer. This is a story about My Little Pony. Yeah. Oh. Good.

Hand me another banana. Yum. It is called Cutie Mark Killers and is a short story by the Brony Authority. So, yeah. If you'll read the Cut Judy Mark Killers, please. Yeah, it would be really... Okay, so this is... All right, I'm going to eat something else.

Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. So this is... I hate everything on this page. So I just glanced at the tags. Tags are Horror, MLP, and CMC. I don't know what CMC means. You'll know. Eventually, Vortex will tell you. I'm sure. Oh, I now, and CMC. I don't know what CMC means. You'll know. Eventually Vortex will tell you.

I'm sure. Oh, I now know what it means. Cookie Monster Crew? Yeah. So the summary... Word up. The summary is this creepypasta will focus on the cutie marked crusaders. You have aspirin here, right? No. Oh, good. Okay. you have aspirin here right no oh good okay all right well are you feeling like you need some

painkillers because i can put i can i can put judas priest's painkiller on stereo i think just i think just a nice handful of your of your cheap portland cigarettes right now anyway go on this cd is evil it's turning you into killers sweetie bell had gone to the cutie mark crusaders club house yeah i hate everything about make it happen come on let's go okay expecting to spend time with her friends instead she found something much worse there was blood spattered on the wall and a dead cult named pedal on the floor oh no we don't know what you're talking about apple bloom said in a deadpan voice scoodaloo said nothing the cd that sb was Oh no. No, not multiple.

I'd say one. I think it's a solid one meaning to the word creepy listen i think you two should see brain scan is that a different my little pony no i think that's the movie starring edward furlong oh oh it's prescribed as therapy now bs was the newest citizen of ponyville and was probably as smart as twilight oh see you're wrong i'm right yeah he also had a degree in brain mapping now i'm skipping a line yep uh seeing any pony isn't needed scoodaloo stated in the same bed dead pan tone in fact i think this cd is great the songs are so invigorating sweetie bell was now officially creeped out when ab and scoodaloo towards her, she gave an involuntary flinch.

Don't y'all worry, Apple Bloom calmly said. You're our friend. We don't know reason to hurt ya. Okay. After Apple Bloom and Scootaloo left, Sweetie Belle decided to listen to the CD herself. Okay. The playlist turned out to be... Great.

Cool. Drink more beer. What's the problem? Well, I think it might be just a culmination of several factors that have happened to us tonight. But, oh, I don't know exactly how much of the story is left, but could you skip a bunch? Yeah. Yay. Absolutely.

Thanks, Jack Chick. Let's just move this down here and pick a random place here. You're my friend. The silence was broken only by the throat-clearing sound from the VP. Do you have something to add, Sophisticata? The pony with that name had light green skin, brown hair, and amber eyes. Her cutie mark was painted a yellow five-pointed star. Yes, Twilight, as a matter of fact, I do.

Everything you said is true. What you didn't bring up is the fact that all 11 of them were not lifelong citizens of Ponyville. That's an interesting pattern. This is the pony Donald Trump right here. Twilight thought about what she said. She was absolutely correct. That pattern was worthy of consideration. At that moment...

No, don't think it was. Do I have to keep reading this? This is just fucking... You're in control of how much you skip, motherfucker. This is fucking weaponized boring. Last paragraph.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did you say next paragraph? Last paragraph. Because we're still on the first paragraph. Last paragraph. I skipped down.

Alright, two months later. Slice, dice, chop. Those three words had been uttered by Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo. Or as they were now known, Scary Butcher, Apple Beast, and Slice All You! Oh my god.

What would you say? One to ten metal band names? How are those? Scary Butcher kind of sounds like maniac butcher the bass player from no that's actually a band sorry anyway uh they're terrible sometimes sometimes i regret jumping down the rabbit hole sometimes so they've committed 38 mar... Yeah? Maraders in 67 days.

Well, that's the title of your story. You fucked up. That's the title. 38 Maraders in 67 days. Keypad, Big Mac, and Sophisticata had also been victims because the three were running out of newbies in Ponyville. We need to stop them, Handcuff said. Handcuff, Lineup, and Warrant with the Ponyville

chief of police crew. Now how is Warrant for a metal band name? Fucking terrible. She's my cherry pie. Alright, four weeks later. Are we done? No new deaths. No peep from PMSFI.

Ponyville Maximum Security Force. Yeah, we're done. Yay! Thanks for reading for all intents and purposes was that entire story. Fuck, that was... That was a wonderful story, Jack Chick.

We should listen to more like that. All I have to say about that is thanks, Montreth. Thanks, Montreth. Thanks, Montreth. Okay, so we are coming down to the end of this episode. And we will close this with some flambé. But before we get to that I think nutshell I'm gonna have you

choose between two different stories I love it when you give me choices I know you do, why wouldn't you? why wouldn't you love that? so good so fuck Why wouldn't you love that? It's so good. So.

Fuck. So. Just had a flashback to eating the banana. So I'm going to give you two choices, and I'm going to give you the summaries of both of them. And these are the summaries for both of them. So the first summary for the first one is a girl named Taylor Stewart and her brother Mike Stewart have to spend their time taking care of their siblings while their parents are away

drinking and partying all long, wasting their lives away with alcohol. Taylor, a schoolgirl, waitress by day and stripper by night, mic a mechanic by day and drug dealer by night. They work hard to keep their family together, but new relationships, new friends, and the past can break it apart.

I think I saw this movie. Was that the title? No, that is the summary. Oh, okay. That is the summary of the story. I was going to say that's a little unwieldy for a title. And the summary of the second story is it's all one sentence. Let's do it.

Let's do all one sentence. All right. Well, in that case, you are going to be reading a story that is called Seven Heroes by Barton Seedy. It's our first science fiction entry. So that's terrific. I like science fiction. Yeah. So if you'll read the story, please.

Oh, one sentence. God help me. In 1989, the government of all seven continents came together, pulling all resources to select seven children from all over the world to become peacemakers for the world as a whole. The seven children were taken as infants, trained in all forms of combat, all forms of education,

all forms of intelligence. The seven children, which trained to be the world's best in every concept of secret black ops, covert missions, All right. and disappeared. He also stole a secret formula that was said to give ordinary humans supernatural abilities. The man, crazy in his own right, was still man of honor and trained the kids to be merciful and heroes in all the children's 16th birthday. The man became ill-desperate. He injected the children with the formula. The first was Tom, Caucasian-American.

That formula increased his mind and body. The second was Jesse, a Australian. Girl, the formula increased her speed and body. The second was Jesse, a Australian. Girl, the formula increased her speed and metabolism. The third, Moses, a African. The formula increased his strength. The fourth, Meili, an Asian girl.

The formula increased her agility and healing ability. The fifth, Jackson, a Europe. The formula gave him the power to manipulate all the elements. The sixth, Haley, a Caucasian-American. Wait, another one? Come on!

The power of telekinetic persuasion. In the seventh, Austin, a unknown origin. No, that's the Antarctica one. That should be a penguin. Of gravity. And as Hello grew weaker, he trained the seven

to be the world's greatest predictors, creating the world's greatest heroes in the process to be the world's greatest predictors, creating the world's greatest heroes. In the process, on the children's 21st birthday, the scientists passed the children went out on their own. They stayed together, learning to control their amazing gifts and watching the world become a cold, prime, infested place. So this is just Captain Planet, right? I think the Hunger Games reboot has sounded really good.

I am in. No, I mean, we just didn't get to the, like, he didn't have time to write the next part in which Hoggish really comes in to try and, like, I don't know, pollute some shit. The F plus. Your last remaining source for hundreds of thousands of Captain America, Captain Planet Jakes. I don't know why we make so many Captain Planet J.C. I don't know why we make so many Captain Planet references.

The very last thing. I think you do know why. The very last thing. It's a past world. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, the very last thing that I'm going to read. I kind of just want to keep

putting more things to read because I know that the flambe comes at the end. But this will be the last thing. It is a poem. It's by Philip Roberts. It's in the literary fiction genre. And it is tagged Bob Dylan, American Fascism, Mad Dog Bush, Freedom Fighting, Redneck America, Rock Against Bush.

Okay. Can you give me, when was this written? Oh, this poem was written in 2011. Okay, 2011. 2011. Okay, good. Yeah, Mad Dog Bush. So this poem is titled

Where is Bob Dylan When we need him now Okay, I don't think we ever needed him But it's fine I don't know, there's a lot of hacky stand-up comics That need to fill the time That's fair, that is fair I should be thinking of them too

Where is Bob Dylan When righteous people need him? Making shitty songs. With jackals in the White House, now democracy is bleeding? Okay, so he's upset about the Obama presidency in 2011. No. He used to sing the songs of good and needy people's plights. Okay.

He used to be the first one around to help fight the good fight. That's awful. I think that worked out really well. I mean, by F plus poetry standards, that was a wonderful stanza. That's fine. By F plus poetry standards, like fucking, yeah.

Yeah. But now there's honest, decent folk locked away in secret gales. That's where they are. Yeah, they're so secret that you can't even pronounce them. Yeah, nobody knows about Guantanamo. Yeah, they're locked away in secret. What happens to using a nice, good old-fashioned gulag anyway?

No, I know where they are. They're in Hanna 18. That doesn't even come as a joke. Nope. Sure doesn't. Okay, so locked away in secret gales. Read no rights. Not even charged. Permitted no right to bail.

Ugh. Ugh. No lawyers to represent them. Sure. As their interrogation goes on and on. Good scansion. Junior Bush denies them basic Sure. As their interrogation goes on and on. Good scansion. Junior Bush denies them

basic rights. What? As part of his evil pogrom. Literally everything is wrong. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

2011? 2011. So, 2011. Three years after Bush was relevant. What are you talking about? It took a long time to hone this masterpiece, okay?

So, where is Bob Dylan now? When good, decent people need him. Denied even visits from their friends. From their kith and kin. Mayhap I might have a kith and kin. And how many roads must a man walk down? To find a fedora. A lady.

I don't know. I'd walk probably a thousand miles. Locked away in secret bunkers for 200 days and nights. Denied all hope or liberty. Denied even basic human rights oh that's terrible so where has old Bob Dylan gone

like that's bile like literally bile rose where has old Bob Dylan gone now he's off and hiding where have all the fighters gone all no longer fighting the end yay this one actually does say the end at the end of it too nice have all the fighters gone? All no longer fighting. The end! Yay!

This one actually does say the end at the end of it too. Nice. That is copyright 2011, Philip Roberts, Melbourne, Australia. Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to really picture it. I think in this case it's outsider like outsider art

but alright so Jack Chick it's time for us to close out this episode and you have a banana surprise sitting in a frying pan

yep that apparently you don't care about anymore nope as well as our hair yeah so Jack Chick

why don't you set this thing on fire so listeners we are actually holding up a flaming paper towel to the Bananas Foster. It just extinguished. It's not Bananas Foster, obviously. It's Whiskey Bananas. Sorry. It's Whiskey Nanners.

I'm so sorry. Whiskey Nanners. Whiskey Nanners. And Whiskey Nanners are apparently fireproof. Yep. Whiskey Nanners are fireproof. So, F+, I've got to tell us something. Yep.

Whiskey manners are fireproof. So, F+, I gotta tell us something. Because we failed to light this dish on fire, that means we don't have to eat it again. High five! Yeah! We only had to eat that once. Let's throw that in the garbage. Well, I mean, you know, I think we do have to... No, fuck it.

No! So, F+, what did we learn from this episode? Andy Caterbuxton's recipes are fucking awful. Well, I'm assuming that's because he's not, you know, he's not a cook first. No, he's a therapist first. Andy Caterbuxton is a therapist. And a scientist. Yeah. And a logo designer.

And a web designer. I think I could be He's the original Mr. Sight. Yeah, he is the original Mr. Sight. I think I'd barf afterwards. Chill, he is the original Mr. Seitz. I think I'd barf afterwards. Jill, I'm very interested to know what you learned. Uh, not a damn thing.

Oh, really? Yeah, really. Oh, I'm so sorry. You're thick, I guess. You just can't, you know. Learning does not penetrate my skull. You know, such wonderful art. And it doesn't have an effect on you. No, it's because I have no soul.

Yeah, I mean, I, uh, it kind of always reinforces to me that people who attempt to write poetry have no fucking idea what they're doing. Well, I mean, but that's not specific to poetry. I mean, that's, that's,

I mean, that ran the board. Sure, but I think it's, I think it's think it's so much easier to exemplify in poetry because poetry has a rhythmic component to it that if you don't understand that, you've just already failed. I wonder the efforts of, like, do you think that the Booksy community does it have a community behind it? Are there people going like oh man I wrote this thing on Booksy because

it seems like it definitely seems like it's a situation where people just gave up on their idea. Yeah. And is that because the people that wrote these quality of stories just found fanfiction.net

one day and they were like, oh, fuck this. This is exactly what I'm looking for. I personally think that this is all they had in them. Once they got this out there, they were like, oh, fuck, I'm done and I've got nothing else and they just left. The muse speaks to me but she only speaks in very short sentences.

Well, I mean, that's the thing. I think that fanfiction.net actually I'm going to eat these fucking words. Yeah. Better than the fucking bananas. Has a higher quality of content than Booksy does. I don't know. It has a larger quality of content. Right.

So just by pure volume sake, you end up with a lot more better stuff. And that is not an endorsement of fanfiction.net i'm not saying anybody should ever go there and read anything but it totally is but on the other hand at least some of these people are trying to create their own characters and their own kind of worlds i feel like i mean that's that's that's always the thing that's a little bit frustrating is like is how frequently they're they're not doing that of like of like you write if you write stuff that sucks then whatever i mean that's not a problem necessarily it's just fun to read but like but if you write stuff that sucks and is like inherently derivative because you're just like

you're influenced by csi and that's the only thing you know how to write. That's true. What are you saying, Lemon? I'm not saying anything. Quality programming. Thanks again to Montreth for the documents. A very exciting document. I believe it was provided by

Jack Chick saying, hey Montreth, do you have anything for us? And she's like, yeah, this was waiting. Yeah, that is a good job. Thanks to both of you. Jack Chick saying Hey Macho Do you have anything for us And she's like Yeah this was waiting Yeah That is Good job Thanks to both of you For hosting me In your delightful city

It's been a pleasure And hopefully It will continue to be so And thanks for listening Go to ball pit Bye bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Outro Music