The F Plus - sf: A San Francisco Podcast

Episode Date: June 18, 2013

LIVE from the home of Zynga, it's The F Plus Podcast! When Lemon and Boots visited The City By The Bay, they felt it was perfectly appropriate to sample the culinary traditions of such a vibrant and exciting city. Then, after eating some really good tacos, they made some raw food garbage based on recipes they found on the internet. Have you ever wanted to know what raw vegetable makes a perfect substitute for linguine? Or how changing the color of your salt can improve your chakra? Of course not, because you're not an idiot. This week, The F Plus plays the crunch twice for good measure.

All right, it may take a couple takes, but we'll see. The record has been pushed. Jesus. I'm gonna give Boots a bunch of garbage to edit out at the beginning of the episode. We'll back that one up. Yeah, baby, I like this boy Shimmy, shimmy, yo, shimmy, yeah, shimmy, yeah Hi there, and welcome to a very special live episode of the F+. We are broadcasting directly to you from San Francisco, California, in the United States. I'm here, I'm not a native. I'm here with Boots Reingear.

Hi, I'm Boots Reingear, as he said. And we have a couple of San Francisco natives that we're going to be reading with. This is a town with a restaurant policy of no failure. That every restaurant is allowed to do the stupidest idea. I was in a cab my first day, and the cab driver was talking about how all cab drivers have to have gimmicks. Because simply being a cab driver and picking somebody up, taking them to another place, that's unsustainable.

That's stupid. Why would you do that? That is boring. That's an unsustainable... That's stupid. Why would you do that? That is boring. When you could have the Vangabus-themed taxicab. It is an infuriating place, and we have an infuriating episode.

Boots, you've been talking about wanting another food episode. Oh, yeah, man. The All Recipes episodes are two of my favorite episodes that we've done They are fun, yeah, that's true But I was thinking for this one If we're doing another food episode We've kind of covered the topic of mayonnaise a bit too thoroughly Boy, we have Yeah, ranch dressing has a little played out, honestly

So I was thinking I'd like to do some raw food episodes. Some food that has not been cooked. Oh, so you want healthy. Yeah, yeah. I'm on a real health kick. I've lost no weight. That's a trend that starts now.

Yeah, and I'd really like to get into it and stop eating shit that has been cooked, that's had all the nutrients murdered from it. Well, that's what we're going to have for you. We're going to have really obnoxious raw food recipes. We do have this food prepared, but we'll get to that after introducing our readers. First of all, San Francisco native Jack Chick. I am very sweet. Wait.

No, I am very sweet we also have kumquats up I'm Angelina you Jennifer come on bitch you see where Brad at a special guest we're so happy to have her let's, happy ending Yo so mucho Of course, by my side I have boot train gear I am fresh And lemon. I'm not drunk enough yet But I think, what should

we start with? Oh, I've got a recipe to begin right here. I have a Fiesta mac and cheese. Fiesta? All right. The Fiesta mac and cheese. I like pardons. Wait.

Raw food dish. As you may know, raw food involves using natural ingredients that have not been cooked. Okay. Usually organic local material, if available. Sure. How does the macaroni come about if nothing's cooked? I'm more curious about the cheese, personally. Those are very good questions.

Do they have very good answers? No. No, they do not. And I'm going to be reading you a recipe from, I'm trying to find the person's name. This person does not have a name. But she has a restaurant. Yeah, she has a restaurant, and her website is nuvoraw.com. Oh, good.

Yeah. Sounds fancy. And this recipe comes with a story. Oh, I like stories. So I'm going to begin, you know, I'm assuming it's a her. That's terrible of me. I think that's a fair assumption. All right.

I loved macaroni and cheese growing up. I eat it in any shape or form. Out of the box, in a box, brand name, generic name. But ooh, great grandma's. Now that was the best of the best. Great grandma's mac and cheese? Mmm, um. It makes me lick my lips as I type this. But why are you a raw food enthusiast?

Wait, wait, wait. I also have a question. So she said out of a box, in a box. How do you eat macaroni and cheese in a box? What you do is mix it in the box. Right. You take the macaroni and cheese. Have you ever...

You pour it into a new box. No, no, no. Have you ever... Have you ever had taco in a bag? It's like that. Okay, all right. But the mac and cheese version, right? That's true.

Yeah. Spending the summers with my great-grandparents was always a treat. I lived in a very tiny town, so I had the free reign to roam the streets for endless hours, because if I ever did anything that resembled mischief, me, I think not. Oh, fuck! Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. You forgot to add the smiley face at the end of that. Smiley face. Myrtle. What about hijinks? Myrtle, Phyllis, Gertrude, Mr. George, we're always there with peering eyes, ready to call a great-grandma, letting her know my status. Are those her imaginary friends?

Yes. Assumed yes. Okay. This is a recipe, right? Yep. Anyway, back to her mac and cheese. Oh, okay, good. Good, here we go.

Every good recipe has a narrative, as you know. That's not true. And I'm the third of the way through mine. Good, here we go. Every good recipe has a narrative, as you know. That's true. And I'm the third of the way through mine. Every day I woke up to the 8 o'clock town whistle. Yep. This town blew a large horn indicating when it was 8 a.m., 12 noon, and 6 p.m. A horn is not a whistle.

This lady is so... I'm sorry. Forgive me. Whistle while you work. It was more of a... It was more of a clack song. After hearing my breakfast dancing in place, while I placed my dishes in the sink, Grandma asked me what Bonita and I would like for lunch.

Bonita was my dear friend. And every day I answered, Mac and cheese, Grandma, mac and cheese. I need like a whiteboard timeline for this story, I'm sorry. Yeah. Like the wire, like all the index cards, like with the threads.

I don't know why she even asked. It was my daily request. She then told me to go outside and play, and play is just what I did. I was a tomboy at heart. Blah, blah, blah. Grandma made her mac and cheese from scratch. You left out the part where she said play in traffic. Grandma made her mac and cheese from scratch,

and it always had extra cheese sauce remaining in the bottom of the bowl when all the noodles were gone. After slurping up that last noodle, we raised our bowls, as if toasting one another, and licked our bowls clean, wiped our chins, and us,

we were running. So it was shitty and runny? Like, yeah, fuck. Ew. Well, just wait till you see my recipe. Oh, I'm sure it won't be shitty and runny. No. Yes. Goodness. Goodness, I got a bit carried away there. Sorry about that.

Oh my god. Boy, I sure... She's paying for it. There's nothing to do now. I've already typed all of these words. You can't delete words from the internet. She's on her fainting couch, like, fanning herself with a handkerchief.

So as I was making this recipe, I was flooded with these wonderful memories. This sauce doesn't quite taste like great-grandmas did. I'm sure it doesn't. But the process of creating this cheesy sauce was enough to remind of those good old days. It would be awesome as a dip, too.

Just omit the water. Okay. For my noodles, I use zucchini. I have two different spiralizers that I use. What? Okay. No zucchini. It's a squash. I know. I use. What? Okay. No zucchini. Yeah.

It's a squash. No, I use it a lot. Yeah. You shouldn't be so surprised by the word zucchini. No, spiralizer. Yeah, spiralizer was more what I was. Oh, okay. So you want to know what's in this?

Oh, boy. I don't want any more of your fucking story. Good. So if you reading me the recipe will get me out of this goddamn story, then yes, I do want to know what's in this. If you want more of my own story, buy my book. It's self-published on Amazon. Good.

I was hoping for a lot of narrative and very, very low recipe count. Yeah. All right. Here's the ingredients. Yields two cups. First ingredient, one cup of hemp seeds. Perfect. Yay. All right., one cup of hemp seeds. Perfect. Yay.

One quarter cup of water. One quarter cup of nutritional yeast. Oh, come on. One red bell pepper, chopped. One half tablespoon of chili powder. One tablespoon of tamari. Okay. One tablespoon of fresh lemon juice.

Okay. One quarter teaspoon of pink salt. Okay. One quarter teaspoon of garlic powder. Okay. One quarter teaspoon of garlic powder. What is pink salt? Pink salt is something that harmonizes your cheese. It comes from the Himalayas. You have to, like, meditate on it.

They carve it into giant lamps. Okay, so what actually is pink salt? Pink salt is actually hay light and comes from, Pakistan and just is like... No, it comes from the Himalayas. Yes. Yeah. When it rains it pours all over your soul. Yep.

Then some garlic powder, cayenne powder, turmeric powder. Garlic. Because, yeah. That all sounds exactly like the shit that I would put in my mac and cheese Oh yeah And since this is raw food I don't need to tell you the instructions

Because you put that shit in a blender Then pour it on some zucchini But you need to make sure the zucchinis are spiralized Which I still don't know what that means You know I'm really confused You know what happens is you need to make sure the zucchinis are spiralized. Yeah. Which I still don't know what that means. You know, I'm really confused. You know, what happens is you need your zucchini to look like rotini. Because the dish is called mac and cheese. So therefore, you need to pretend like you have rotini.

Thank you. No problem. No problem. I know you're a beginner in this. So I want to help. Yeah. So when you're enjoying your runny, hempy, zucchini, crunchy stuff and thinking about how awesome your great grandmother's mac and cheese was, you could probably just shoot yourself in the head. Sorry, I already did that during the story.

Kumquat's up. Yes. Are you a fan of the late and great Old Dirty Bastard? Yes. Okay, good. Is that a picture of the raw lady? Because like Old Dirty Bastard, you like it raw. It's true.

And this is from the site Oh Baby, We Like It Raw. I think I sponsored that. Would you read me Mimi Kirk's Peach Pie recipe? It also comes with a preamble, infuriatingly

enough. I'm not really sure why I asked you to read this, but... But Mimi Kirk's Peeth Pie, if you would. Ah! For those listeners out there, imagine David Bowie in Labyrinth as a raw food-eating housewife. Oh my God. That is what I look like. So, just so you know.

If David Bowie and Labyrinth had sex with Jennifer Summer's corpse. God. So, Mimi Kirk. Three years ago, Mimi won PETA's Sexiest Vegetarian Over 50 and is 73. Oh man. Mimi is truly just as beautiful inside as she is outside. Mimi is ugly on the inside! She is one of the most inspirational and loving people I have ever met.

With a true spirit of generosity, she is always giving a compliment or advice, takes the time to make an uplifting call, and shares her heart with everyone. I believe this is definitely part of the secret she has to staying so youthful and beautiful. I have the pleasure of playing in the kitchen with Amy

while creating some of the dessert recipes. In particular, I assisted in the creation of the recipe featured today. She was cooking and I was banging on creation of the recipe featured today. She was cooking and I was banging on a pot with a wooden spoon. What? You seem to be hesitating for some reason. Okay, I like peaches.

I like pie. I'm going to like this peach pie a lot. It's not complicated, is it? Mimi's peach pie. Ready? Mm-hmm. Ingredients. Mm-hmm.

One and a half cup lemon juice. Fresh juiced. Right. It's a lot of lemon juice for a pie. Yep. A lot of not peach in that pie. Yep, yep, yep. Two ounces of Irish moss.

The Irish are well known for having a higher quality of moss than the rest of the world. How do you source moss? Can you get it from a store? I will not be buying this Scottish moss, thank you very much. Italian moss, no thank you.

I will take my business elsewhere. A half cup agave or sweetener of choice, okay? Blend in a high speed blender until smooth. Scraping sides as you blend. Then add

a third of a cup of peaches? Wait, there's a cup and a half of lemon juice. Yes, correct. And a third of a cup of peaches? Wait, there's a cup and a half of lemon juice. Yes, correct. And a third of a cup... Okay, never mind. Never mind. Anyway, what was the part after a third of a cup of peaches? Uh, one? No, no, no. What was the part after

a third cup of peaches? Oh! Or fruit of choice. Because God forbid, peaches would be a requisite in your peach pie. Yeah, I mean, what if my fruit of choice. Because, God forbid, peaches would be a requisite in your peach pie. Yeah. I mean, one of my fruit of choice is moss. Lemon, don't question your elders.

That's true. Okay. It tastes a lot like peach pie, but it's pie. Yeah. I don't know what TBLS is. Just tables. Tables.

One tables of lecithin. Seven tables of coconut oil, melted. Blend until smooth, because of course you don't need to fuck, okay. Yeah. That's it. Blend it up and fucking eat it. Yep. Nope, not yet. There's more. There is more. Crust That's it. Okay. Blend it up and fucking eat it. Yep. Nope, not yet.

There's more. There is more. Crust. Ingredients. Two cups macadamia nuts. Okay. Mm-hmm. A quarter cup of coconut flakes.

Okay. Two tables of coconut butter. And a pinch of salt. So it's mostly just made of fat. Yep. All right. Yep. Okay.

To garnish. Yeah. Yep. Uh, okay. To garnish. Yeah. Yeah. What do I have to blend to garnish? Do you want to make it? I assume the

instructions for the cross-star blend some fucking shit up. As you will see, the chef, as an appreciation for your business,

has blended up a bay leaf and squirted it in the side. This is an emulsion of moss. To garnish, slice a peach in half, remove the pit, thinly slice each half. Why can't you just say slice a peach? Yeah. Um, starting at the outer end. Remove the pit. Thinly slice each half. Why can't you just say slice a peach? Yeah, fine. Starting at the outer end.

You have to remember, this is raw food people. They're like, wait, I have to not blend something? Fuck, I'm lost. What the hell is julienning? Work in a circle overlapping edge slightly work all the way into center to create a flower pattern alternately cover filling with fruit of choice

laughter laughter laughter laughter oh boy okay so the raw foodists are the same as the all recipesrecipes people. Do this, or not, fuck it.

They're their own commenters. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Somebody needs to be Jim Wart. Jack, please take the words of Jim Wart, please. Okay. Mmm, looks delicious. Thank you, Lori and Mimi.

We use coconut sweetener, but have everything on hand, I believe. What would dessert be without Irish moss? There would literally be no dessert. There would be no dessert. Completely fucking impossible. There'd be no cupcakes. There'd be no creme brulee. All right, and now this ganache. Perfect touch, a little Irish moss. There'd be no cupcakes, there'd be no creme brulee.

Alright, and now this ganache. Perfect touch, a little Irish moss. In this episode of Cupcake Wars, we have a special challenge. Not using Irish moss. We've removed all Irish moss from the building. Happy ending. Yes. happy ending I am irritated by these raw food dishes I feel like

I'm a midwesterner I've spent a little bit too much time in San Francisco I would like something a little bit more homestyle a little bit more simple if, a little bit more simple. If I can encourage you to read the recipe for Dr. Pepper taco soup. Wait, wait.

Hang on, guys. Hang on. So we just got a price check on Irish moss. Okay. 25 bucks. 25 bucks for a pound. A pound. A pound.

25 bucks for a pound of Irish moss. All right. All right. So pound of Irish moss. Alright. Alright, so that's worth it. I mean, it's necessary in all desserts. Yeah, no, exactly. So, I mean, you know. And who doesn't like dessert? Right. Okay, so, you know,

three words that really, really start me salivating. All together are Dr. Pepper, taco, and soup me salivating. All together are Dr. Pepper taco and soup. Absolutely, Lemon. Absolutely. If you'll just run me through the recipe for Dr. Pepper taco soup. Okay, first of all, I am really, really sad and a little upset that this does not have

a three-paragraph explanation about Dr. Pepper taco soup. My mother used to drink Dr. Pepper, and she got diabetes. But she really liked tacos and soup, so she figured. All right. So everybody sit down, because we're going to go with the ingredients right now. Mm-hmm. One and one-half pound ground beef. Sure. Okay. A quarter to ahalf pound ground beef. Sure, okay.

A quarter to a half a white onion diced. Okay. Two 14-half ounce cans of tomato sauce. Like you have in tacos. One 14-and-a-half ounce can of corn. Okay, no, but all right. One 14-and-a-half ounce can ranch-style beans. There we go. Yeah, but all right. One 14 and a half ounce can ranch style beans. There we go.

Yeah, there we go. One 14 and a half ounce cans diced tomatoes. Okay. Okay. One and a half ounces taco seasoning. Good. Okay. One and a half ounces ranch dressing mix.

Yay! What? Like Hidden Valley. But not actually Hidden Valley. Right. Because I was going to say, as far as I know, Hidden Valley is the only

ranch dressing mix. Compared to Hidden Valley. Exactly. Cayenne pepper to taste. So just put cayenne pepper on it. Wait, wait, wait. I have to buy spices for this? Yeah, I'm buying a spice.

It's called ranch. Yeah, right. One can cayenne pepper. Yeah. Six ounces Dr. Pepper. I'm sorry. Six ounces Dr. Pepper cola. I think we even used beer once.

Ooh. Or six ounces regular cola. I think we even used beer once. Ooh! Or six ounces regular cola. I think we even used beer once. Think of this person as a diabetic and an alcoholic. That's just me. One teaspoon garlic salt. Preferred brand Lone Star. Yeah, right?

Grated cheddar cheese. Corn chips. Sour cream. Optional. Wait, wait, wait. Corn chips? Like fucking Fritos? It just says corn chips. Sour cream. Optional. Wait, wait, wait. Corn chips? Like fucking Fritos? It just says corn chips.

It says corn chips. Okay. It is a universe. Open to your imagination. No, that's fine. All right. Can't you see inside of this image where somewhere in there might be a corn chip or a human head? That just looks like a giant pile of crap with sour cream on top.

That's optional. Or possibly cool whip. Uh, okay, how do I make this complicated? First, open cans. Yeah. Brown meat and onions in large stock pot

drain the grease. Oh my goodness. That's too much effort. On low-med heat, I'm sorry, low-medium heat, begin adding the rest of the ingredients besides the cheese and the corn chips. Right. Okay. Simmer for 20 to 30 minutes, lid on, letting the flavors blend. Sure.

Serve with cheese, chips, or a dollop of sour cream. Yummy! with cheese, chips, or a dollop of sour cream. Yummy! Actually, when I was reading that, I thought it said a dollop of sarcasm. That's what we provided.

Here you go, Christian. Make sale. Enjoy. I just wanted to let you know that there was a fifth direction on here that says, this is so awesome. The next day. So make sure to keep the leftovers.

And there will be leftovers. It thickens a little overnight, which makes a fantastic impromptu dip. There you go. Yeah. Oh, I've just lost my appetite. Oh, good. Good. So this is actually the perfect time for our next reading. Hey, guys. Yeah. My name is the

Queen Bag. I'm not the Queen Bag. My name is the Queen Bag. Uh-huh. Yeah. What's up, the Queen Bag? What do you got? This was 40 minutes at most and one pot to wash to a delicious dinner.

After you chop the onion, all you do is dump. Dumping this, dumping that. Dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump. used all the garnishes of course we'll do this again and again oh just that was the most beautiful thing i've ever heard in my life all you do is all you do is dump yeah just. Just non-stop dumping. It's like dump-a-palooza.

Now, at the ending, I'm sorry, I just need to come back to you for just a moment. I recognize that this is not billed as a healthy recipe, but I don't know if you have any nutritional information about the recipe you just gave us.

If there's information you can give us about how this affects my desire to have a heart attack tomorrow. This is not a healthy recipe. This is a fun recipe. Oh, sure. Of course. Of course. Okay, so the calorie count for, now, mind you, the whole recipe that I just read to you is apparently one serving size. Right, yes.

Because, you know, you need something to eat while you watch CSI Miami. Absolutely. So in this serving, this single serving. A pound of ground beef is one serving? Right, yes. I have to eat something through the commercial breaks. I really like the opening credits. I've got to eat through that.

There's all that drama. Drama just spurs my appetite. I gotta eat through that. There's all that drama. Drama just spurs my appetite. Sometimes there's an alligator. Calorie counts. 2,205.6 The calories from fat. 726.

Good. This is 32% fat. The total fat. 80. Holy God. This is 32% fat. Right. Yes. The total fat, 80.7 grams, which according to the percent daily value is 124% of your daily value of fat. Good. Okay.

Saturated fat. This will help you get on CSI. Saturated fat is 28.3 grams, which is 141% of your daily intake. Cholesterol, 308.4 milligrams. Sodium. Oh, God. No. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Are you ready? Yeah. Absolutely. 11,086.6 milligrams. Oh, my God. Is there an RDI on that? 461% of your daily intake.

Nearly five days worth of sodium in this. Yeah. Good. So total carbohydrates, 261.3. Is that with or without the corn chips? No, I think this is all-inclusive. This is all-inclusive. This is kind of a letdown because it's only 87%.

I wonder if it would be better if instead of you use normal Fritos, you use chili cheese Fritos. You just blew my mind. And if you're worried about the calorie offset, you can just skip the sour cream. Ooh, good call. But I did want to let you know, for those of you who are health conscious, cream. Ooh, good call. But I did want to let you know, for those of you who are health conscious, the dietary fiber in this is 53.2

grams, which is 212% of your daily intake. All you do is dump! Was that a shit joke? I was worried I was too shuttle with the first three. Looking for an opening to really nail it home. Don't worry, Lemon.

I didn't get a single one. Okay, so one of the things that is magical and wonderful about this episode that we're going to do here is that we've done a couple food episodes in the past. And they have been fun and they have been lovely. is that we've done a couple food episodes in the past, and they have been fun, and they have been lovely, but we've never actually experienced the thing that we're reading. And so, to the collective horror of everyone in this goddamn room,

I'm going to read you a recipe that we are holding right here. Yes. Yay! So to specify, we actually have two of these, and we're all kind of curious as to which nightmare we're about to consume. I think it's the one in the bowl. We'll get to that. It's the one in the bowl.

If it's like a foot underneath your nose, you still smell it. Okay. Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no not yet oh god i gotta know what's in this first really please okay um i don't really improve your experience i don't know about you but i i know that i know that uh uh i i personally like thai food a lot and uh we are in of course uh san francisco city uh a very a very big Asian population. I've seen all sorts of Vietnamese and Thai places, and they all look very good. I went to one that was not great, but it was on Fisherman's Wharf, so, you know, that's fair enough. But we have a piece here, which is pretty much a take on Pad Thai.

Similar enough to Pad Thai, I'm sure. If I was more drunk, it would look like it. Is this Pad Thai after you ate it? Yeah. It is Pad Thai as it's seen at 2 a.m. behind an Irish bar. I can't stop smelling it. Okay. as it's seen at 2am behind an Irish bar. I can't stop smelling it. Okay, well let me just explain to you what you are about to eat.

Thank you, Lemon. Thank you. Tell us what the site is. Oh, I'm sorry. This site is called Raw Amazing. Yes. Why wouldn't it be? Okay, these are carrot noodles with, and I'm surprised this is actually the first quote we've gotten to, carrot noodles with peanut sauce.

Wait, you can't eat peanuts if you're on a raw food diet? You can't eat peanut butter because you have to roast peanuts to make it. Oh, okay. And what are they going to do, just put it in a blender? They're not into that. Anyway, um, hey, peanut sauce is one of my favorite dishes. Once I

make it, I can't stop eating it, which isn't necessarily a good thing. And unfortunately, the traditional way to make this dish is with canned coconut milk, peanut butter, and rice noodles. Ew!

Ew! That sounds gross. I wanted a fresher, more nutritious version. Time to rawify it. Now I'm going to take pictures of vegetables for no reason. Okay.

Some people jerk off to weird things. Just as an aside, that was actually just Lemon taking pictures of Raw Veggies. Yeah, he took a picture of three snow peas and then spent an hour in the bathroom. We're not sure why, by the way. Hey, to make this recipe healthy, I replaced peanut butter with a healthy raw almond butter. Wait, what the fuck? No, no, no.

It's called peanuts, not almond. The high glycemic, low nutrient rice noodles were replaced with carrot noodles, which are the healthiest thing in the world. And the high... Yeah, I was really hoping for something that was just not at all sugar and starch. Yeah, just packed with nutrients. And the high-fat canned coconut with fresh young Thai coconut. I am thrilled with the result,

as I'm sure you will be. Elated, in fact. I know a lot of people do go to Thailand for the fresh Thai, young Thai coconut. Mm-hmm. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Hi, baby. You need coconut for tonight?

All the German tourists. I like the ladyboy coconuts. I like how you needed to take that joke and make it more explicit. Whatever. One of my favorite dishes made with healthy raw ingredients. I hope you enjoy this raw recipe as much as I do. I am lucky there are pictures. I couldn't resist eating during the shoot.

I bet you're about to resist eating, but you're going to have to anyway. Okay, carrot noodles with peanut sauce. Sauce. Okay, there's multiple parts to this, which we've done about an hour ago, and the smell continues. Sauce. The sauce is made from half a cup of raw almond

butter. Fuck you. The recipe is here. Whatever. Then there's a three-quarters cup of coconut flesh from a young Thai coconut. Fuck you. Then there's... Wait. Then there's a three quarters cup of coconut flesh from a young Thai coconut. Fuck you. Then there's, wait, then there's a quarter cup coconut water from a young Thai coconut. Fuck you. Then there's a tablespoon of nama shoyu or gluten free tamari.

In fairness, this is the part where we cheated. We did actually use soy sauce. I know that upsets the raw food thing. There may have been wheat in this. But I spent nearly $50 making this dish. There's also two tablespoons

of maple syrup. That of course is cooked, but I don't know that as the writer of this. I just assume you put a spigot in the tree, and the tree says, Thank you! Here's some maple syrup. Following that, we have a teaspoon of fresh grated ginger. Following that, we have a tablespoon of sesame oil. Following that, we have a tablespoon of sesame oil. Following that, we have a lime juiced from...

So not lime juice, but one lime comma juiced from. Then we have two cloves of garlic. They're diced. And I notice that as I get closer to the point that we know we're about to eat this... The mood of the room

is missing. Let me just let me, let me, let me just back up here and say, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Guys, why is there

blood burning down from the walls? Uh, okay. Finally, a pinch of Himalayan salt. Okay. The recipe's fairly simple. Uh, blend,

put that shit in a bowl, and eat it. Yep. I'd just like to point out, I'm sorry we used black salt and not pink salt. Oh, yeah. Fuck! But the noodles are just sliced carrots, and then there's some snow peas and some scallions. And that is the recipe for carrot noodles with peanut sauce.

Jack Chick, I think we should probably go around the room. Oh, good. I get to explain. Because you're to my left, and I feel like if I go clockwise, I'll be last. So, if you'll take a bite and just... Absolutely. Absolutely. And don't prejudge.

It might be great. No, it might be great. Here, let me have a bite here. absolutely absolutely don't prejudge it might be great no it might be great here let me have a big big heap yeah oh yeah good call good call good call there we go oh my god all right happy ending jack chick is processing that right now all Alright. I'm not going to take as big of a bite as he did because I'm not as metal. That is a huge bite. This is fucking wrecking. Oh god.

This isn't that bad. Alright, come closer. It's still in my mouth. This chia's all fucked up and has black salt. Alright, Boots, your turn. Yeah. Um. Okay. Sure.

Alright, and I'm gonna take, I really wanna not be overdone. Get, get, get. Fucking, fucking spoonful of that. Just shovel it right in your mouth. Really get in there. Fucking, fucking spoonful of that. Just shovel it right in your mouth. Really get in there. Oh. Ram it in there. Fuck.

Right, right now, Lemon is currently vomiting into his bowl. He's having trouble actually inserting the fork. Do you have a napkin? Yeah. Here.

Oh, it's all over his face. Well. I really wish this was a video podcast right now. Oh, I hate it. Yeah. That was fucking horrible. It's still in my mouth. I can't get it out.

I have ginger fibers in my teeth. I really hate it. It's really just almond butter stirred into some carrots yeah that's all it is some awful in it yeah yeah i'm not a big fan of almond butter so i didn't really like it go figure raw food tastes like its ingredients oh it's a really terrible ben and jerry's flavor Gross. I don't know. Mmm.

Alright. I think the problem with this... Mmm. I think it's too complicated. Mmm. I need to not... Ugh. Have this in my mouth. Okay.

I think the problem with this is that it was too complicated. Jack Chick. Yes. If you will very please run through the raw cauliflower apple soup. Absolutely. Shit. I'm going to go to apple soup. Absolutely. Shit. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Yeah.

Can we actually take a break and get some more beer? Yeah. Because, Jesus, shit, that was fucking horrible. Music to the ears of the hungry. The sizzle of a mouth-watering hamburger. Fresh, lean beef, done to a golden brown. Couched in a soft bun and garnished to taste. Man, that's hunger heaven.

And you'll feel like you're heaven sent when you get one at our refreshment stand. All right, we are back. We have more liquor in us. We are ready to soldier on. I'm no longer tasting that in my mouth, so everything's terrific. And to that end, we're going to deal with a much more simple

recipe, and therefore I'm sure a much better recipe. Jack Jack, if you will run us through the raw cauliflower apple... The raw cauliflower apple soup by Susan. Sounds fantastic. I'm really excited to help you out with this. Yep, absolutely.

Okay. Okay, what do we have? The temperature has dropped and so... Oh, there's a story. Oh, fuck. I literally didn't see that when I handed that to you. The temperature has dropped And soup weather is here I whipped up a quick

Delicious soup for you To put on your winter table Thanks Susan Cauliflower and apples Go together beautifully This simple soup needs little more than salt and pepper But don't forget the marinated onions Okay

I won't They make the dish. Sure. Yeah, if marinated onions make the dish, then that's a great dish. You can warm this in the dehydrator or gently on the stove. Just remember to remove the heat from the second it starts to warm, or you will not have raw soup. Fuck!

You will go to raw food hell! Well, there's a mortal raw food sin, and then there's a venial raw food sin. All right. So here we go. Here we go. Cauliflower apple soup with marinated onions. And those are critical. Yeah, of course.

All right. Yep. Half of a large cauliflower. Right. Okay. One cup water. And those are critical. Yeah, of course. All right. Yep. Half of a large cauliflower. Right. Okay. One cup water. Quarter cup olive oil. Oh, I know where these ingredients are going.

Where do you think they're going? I think they're going in a goddamn blender. I think you're right. One tablespoon of apple cider vinegar. Mm-hmm. Two apples, peeled. Sure. Would you like to take a guess at what the next ingredient is

uh I'll give you a hint Dr. Pepper it is salt fine is it Himalayan salt oh you got it yay

so there's no flax in this no not yet okay not yet Himalayan salt and pepper to taste of course

alright now instructions wait does it actually say Himalayan salt and pepper to taste. Of course. All right. Now, instructions. Wait, does it actually say Himalayan salt and pepper to taste? Yes, it does. Is there Himalayan pepper? I hope so. So taking the very simple salt and pepper to taste and going, eh, I bet that could make that sentence douchier. All right.

So step one, place all ingredients except salt and pepper, because that would fuck everything up, in a high-speed blender. Do I really need to go on with step one, or have we figured out what to do from once it enters the blender to when it will leave the blender? Pour into bowl. Okay, then step two, add salt and pepper. okay then step two add salt and pepper and then top with the marinated onions

and apple slices if desired if you put the salt and pepper in the blender the fucking energy is all fucked up I was gonna say you create a wormhole but I don't think there's better alright guys alright now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Jack, Jack, Jack.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. I have no idea how to marinate onions. No. Well, that's what I'm here for. Marinate them in what? Just to teach you how to marinate some onions. Okay. Yeah.

So what you're going to need is one sweet onion, thinly sliced. Two tablespoons nama shoyu, which is essentially gluten-free soy sauce. Right. You're giving us the instructions on how to put, marinate the onions after you're giving us the instructions to put the marinated onions inside the soup. That's fine. Don't worry about it. What do you mean? Never mind. That's fine. Are you saying that I'm doing this backwards? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

No, it's Susan. She's doing this backwards. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. They make the dish. They do make the dish. One tablespoon agave or other liquid sweetener. Right. Yeah. Just aspartame, like, all over the place. It's raw.

I didn't cook it. She originally was thinking maple syrup, but, you know. Two tablespoons of olive oil. Now, what we're going to do with this is we're going to mix together the nama shoyu, agave, and olive oil. We're going to pour it over the sliced onions in a glass container with a cover. And then we're going to stick it in the refrigerator for two to three hours, redistributing marinade a couple of times during marination. Wait, wait. Where's the blender?

Well, I haven't gotten to step three yet. Oh, okay. So now we have crunchy, salty, sweet onions. Step three, dehydrated for six to eight hours at 115. So put it in liquid, then dehydrate. Wait, is 115 the temperature? Yes. So isn't that...

No. That's not cooking. No. No. No. That's not cooking. No. No. No. No. Because you could put that outside on a very hot day and it would work. Okay.

But you're not going to do that because you just spent $600 on a dehydrator. Right. Right. That's okay. Didn't you? I did. I did. No.

It's, yeah. It's properly raw food approved. Yeah. You do not go to raw food hell for that. Remember, the onions make the dish. Boots, could you take the words of Terry on this soup? Oh, I love the words of Terry. Yeah, Terry's a good word to say.

These are Terry's words. Hi. Hi. Hi, Terry. Great recipe. Agreed. Do you post the nutritional information anywhere? It's cauliflower.

I'm trying to go near vegan slash raw food lifestyle. However, I am also training for a physique competition. Oh, don't go near vegans. You always run out of cigarettes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Alternately, you get offered a lot of brownies. You're vegans. You always run out of cigarettes. Alternately, you get offered a lot of brownies.

And knowing nutritional values is imperative for body composition, especially if you're not getting any protein. This is my first one at the age of 43. I really want to train with foods that heal and nourish the body versus some of the traditional methods. Like steroids. Mm-hmm. Thanks. P.S.

I love your blog. I'm fairly new, and it's very helpful. Oh, you're fun, Terry. Yeah, Terry seems like she's really quite the catch. Hi, Susan. My name is Chell. Hi, Susan. This is very yummy.

I think my non-cauliflower-e eating family wouldn't even know it was cauliflower. It's literally just cauliflower, apple, and vinegar. They would have no idea. Well, no, because there'd be those marinated onions on top. Because nothing is better than onions that haven't been fucking cooked. My children are fond of swearing, so I cut out their tongues. Thank you so much for your amazing website

and all the wonderful recipes you share with the world. I really appreciate it. Here is five exclamation points. Cheers! Chell. Can I read the words of Catherine? You most certainly can read the words of Catherine. Okay. So, and it's all, I just wanted you guys to imagine it as all in lowercase. Okay. I am new to the concept of preparing raw foods.

What do you mean by dehydrate for six to eight hours at 115? And dehydrate is in quotes. So have you heard of the company Ronco? Because I really think they can help you out. It's not made in Japan or Hong Kong. Hey, Lemon. Yeah?

I've got another thing in front of me that I'm afraid of. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you do. It's been growling at us the entire time. Yeah. I think it's time we face our fears. Right. Oh, no.

Let's eat. Oh, no. Are you actually asking to eat this fucking sandwich? I'm asking to have it removed from my face in some means or another. Oh, boy. Okay. I heard once we do this, we can get real food. Probably not.

We're not going to be able to eat anything again after this. That's fair. Okay, I... You're a three-foot-just warlord. I was genuine... I was fine with, like, reading some more material, like, not going directly into the sandwich. But it's Boots' enthusiasm that brought this sandwich upon you.

So after eating the sandwich... Like Boots. You can brought this sandwich upon you. So after eating the sandwich, you can thank him. Okay, so this is a recipe from food.com, the Food Network website. Wait, you're kidding me. No. Yeah, no, it's from them. What, are you expecting good composition from them? Yeah. This is a five-star sandwich.

I would like to point out, as an aside, on the food.com webpage. Sponsored by Toyota? Yup. Thanks Toyota! I typed in the search box at the top of the page, mayo, and it auto-completed mayonnaise cake. Okay, so, as you know we've been going through a lot of stuff. completed mayonnaise cake. Okay,

so, as you know, we've been going through the raw food world. I've been trying to give a little bit of the classic Food Network horror to really balance this out. And to that end, here is a piece

from Food Network, their own website, foodnetwork.com. I'm sorry, food.com. It's the home of the home cook. So there's a lot of... Sponsored by Toyota. Sponsored by Toyota, but there's a lot of good advice here we can teach you

how to make. Something that is on the front page of the site that looks like the worst shit I've ever had in my life. But, like, as in, like, the worst thing that's ever been in my toilet. But instead, we're going to talk about the Dorito Sandwich for Kids. Yes! We're all kids at heart, really.

Can we just get my Dorito Sandwich in front of me here? Right. So this is the Dorito Sandwich for Kids by Tweetyfan. It has four and a half stars from 24 reviews. The note on the recipe itself says, Sounds gross and probably is. Great. Okay.

So, here is the ingredients for one sandwich worth of Doritos sandwich. The ingredients in full. One hard roll. One tablespoon of butter. Okay. One bunch plain Doritos.

No, no, no, no. Fuck that. What? Fuck that. What? I am not eating goddamn plain Doritos. Why not? Because plain Doritos are fucking disgusting. What about the spicy lime chili Doritos? Those are slightly less disgusting, so okay. Okay. Alright. So here's your sandwich with the spicy lime chili Doritos? Those are slightly less disgusting, so okay. Okay, all right.

So here's your sandwich with the spicy lime chili Doritos. The rest of us are eating the plain Doritos. Like civilized adults. Go sit at the kids' table, Jack Chick. Go sit. Okay. If you go to a classic restaurant, you order the classic dish. And here is how all of our sandwiches were made.

Spread butter onto hard roll. Pile on Doritos. Okay. Cut in half and eat it. Fuck you. I just want to say, full disclosure, we did not cut our sandwiches in half. Oh, what the fuck? Where's a knife? Where's a knife?

All right. All right, so we're gonna do this oh Jesus all right Oh my god. You can't really taste the butter. Yeah, you can. I would say the butter and the powder creates a sort of an odor. This is sort of if Paula Deen ran Taco Bell. I'm really trying to pair this with wine. All. I fucked you, I'm having the bite. Any, let me tell you, sweet chili Doritos and butter do not go well together, as it turns out. You see? You see what happens when you fuck with the classic recipe?

I made a horrible mistake. Oh, good. Now it's starting to do a paste in my mouth. Yeah, mine just hit the butter. Yeah. And my heart is ceasing up.

So I'm just wondering who my family can kill to avenge me. Is it you or food.com? Do we have a name for this?

It's called What's the name of our enemy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if your family needs to avenge somebody, they can avenge Tweety Fan. Oh, I can just imagine the t-shirts they wear on a daily basis. You can contact the chef through the Food Network website. Oh, hang on.

Let me have another bite of this. Yeah. Lemon, I'm going to do a callback to what you said at the beginning in your intro, and I just want to say I am not high enough to be eating this sandwich right now. Oh, yeah. Oh.

I don't know if I can swallow this second bite. My body is really pissed at me right now. Fuck you, I'm eating this whole thing. Go, bitch. Go, bitch. Go, bitch. Go, bitch. I'm going to look at the 24 reviews of the Doritos sandwich for kids.

Fuck. I just like how you're not even bothering to look up the nutritional data on this at all. Well, I know. I can look at a bag of Doritos. All right. So what I'm going to do now is I'm going to polish off my Dorito sandwich experience by drinking a nice glass of Chimay. Before you do that, before you do that, please take the words of Michelle S.

I searched high and low for plain Doritos and I couldn't find them. Oh my god. So I substituted nacho cheese. Yeah. Wait. Wait. Wait. nacho cheese. Yeah. Wait. Wait. Right. I'm sure.

Yep. Hello! My name is Gabby Goddess. Hey, Gabby. Wow. My grandchildren like it. They also add Doritos or chips to all their sandwiches and wraps. Oh.

Oh dear. Oh man. Oh man. Oh no. Michelle S.'s comment gets way better towards the back half. So I'm going to skip a bunch of crap here. Okay. Crap.

And it is actually better than the liverwurst and ruffles on Wonder Bread I ate as a kid. Somehow. Somehow. Somehow it runs up to that bar and it jumps over. I want to say that that right there sums up Midwestern suburbia. Speaking as a kid of Midwestern suburbia. I'm going to have another bite of this. Oh, fuck.

I'm going to have my last bite of this. You actually ate the whole thing. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. That plate is empty. No, no, no. He ate the whole thing. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. That plate is empty. Right? No, no, no, no, no. Lemon.

He ate the entire sandwich. Oh, I know he did. He's been eating it. Fuck. Lemon. Lemon, lemon, lemon. Hmm. Do you see this

KitKat0710 near the bottom of the page? Hmm. Right there. You're going to want to read that. You're going to want

to read that. Yeah. Hmm. Okay. Christ, that was fucking horrible. Can somebody lend me some moisture?

No. What if it some moisture? No. What if it's butter? No. No, I think you still have some moisture in your raw food, though. Oh, yeah. We do have some of the almond, like, whatever sauce. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, pro tip. Yeah. If you've just eaten an entire Dorito sandwich for kids, and you need a little bit of moisture in your mouth, why not try some of the carrot slaw? Yeah. Why not? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's the moisture you were looking for. Oh, yeah. That should have fixed it right up for you. Those two flavors. You need to let that mingle. You need to let that marinate like an onion. Oh. Maybe you should dehydrate your mouth.

Okay, I'm sorry. Kit Kat 710, is that right? Yes, yes. Hey, I used to eat something similar when I was pregnant. I used mustard and nacho cheese Doritos on Wonder Bread. Thanks for posting that. It brought up good memories.

I do like how all of the, um, all of the, most of the responses are trying to tell this woman that plain Doritos do exist. Mm-hmm. Uh, actually, uh, uh, happy ending. If you'll take, uh, it's a, it's a, it looks like it's Ghirardelli chick. Oh. So, so she's a fan of, uh, Ghirardelli. Are you racial profiling me right now?

Yep. me right now. I've never had a Dorito sandwich with butter on the bread, but I have used Hellman's mayo and put kosher dill slices on the bread and smashed my Doritos in between that. You talk about good.

Yeah. Yummo. And the final comment I want to take on this is it's from Cowbells27. Hi. I'm Cowbells27.

Hey, Cowbells. I love these. Good. This is the recipe I made when I was five. Okay. Good. Do you hear that, lady? Do you understand the subject here?

I'm going to guess no. This is the only way to eat chips, though I normally do add some good ham. What? And I love soft whole wheat bread. The healthy version. Right. Right. Yep.

Hey, happy ending. Yeah. Will you tell me about your salad? Oh, the cheap, easy, and quick Doritos ramen salad? Yeah, that salad. Good fuck! Why didn't we make that? Wait, do you have any ramen here?

Because we have the Doritos. Okay, okay, okay. Ooh, okay. Are you okay? Do you need to breathe into a paper bag? No, no, I'll just have another bite of the sandwich here. And then I'll feel better. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Did you want to try some of the chili sandwich? No, but a sweet chili. Yeah, no, have some of the claw. I feel like we're doing some sort of skull and crossbones rite of passage right now. If you don't mind, Jack, I'll just have a little bit more of you. Oh yeah, have some of that fucking glock. That shit was great. I'll get you a peanut noodle.

Oh fuck. Yeah, that'll help you out right there. It's weird, both those things still tasted the way they did before. Is that it? Oh. Alright, are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Boy, am I.

Well, guys. Yeah. You take two three-ounce packages of beef-flavored ramen noodles. Right. Or just chicken or seafood shit. Yeah. Yeah. No time to go.

What about oriental? Oh, hush. Just shut your mouth. Okay. One 10-ounce bag of Doritos. Okay. Oddly enough, I really don't specify a flavor here. Okay. So, you know, whatever. Beef-flavored. Well, I'm going to go with salsa verde. Therely enough, I really don't specify a flavor here. Okay.

So, you know, whatever. Be flavored. I'm going to go with salsa verde. I'm going with Taco Bell. Oh. Yeah. One pound ground beef. Two cups shredded cheddar cheese.

So you cook your ramen noodles according to the package directions. Okay. But you only add one of the seasoning packets, but you're going to reserve the other for later. Oh. If you know what I mean, ladies. Oh. Whoa. but you're going to reserve the other for later. Oh, what? If you know what I mean, ladies. Oh, whoa. Then you're going to drain. Then you're going to cook the ground beef, adding one of the seasoning packets to the

beef mixture. Mix the beef and the ramen noodles on a plate. Place the Doritos to make a bed for the beef mixture. Oh, I hate bed. Then you're going to place the beef mixture on top of Doritos and top with cheddar cheese, and then enjoy. But the best part of this is I... I don't think that's positive.

It doesn't tell you what to do with the other seasoning packet. So I'm just going to assume it's rubbing it all over while you eat it. No, no, no, no, no. I thought, haven't you ever read one of those articles about spicing up your love life? Oh, no. Get out! Okay, okay, I'm sorry. That was a weird little

divergence that we took there into the realm of the Food Network website. So we're not going back there. Instead... Can I get something healthy, please? Sure.

I need some good energy. Sure, no problem. Do you like hot dish? What's hot dish? Oh, no. Oh, hey there. Do you like the hot dish? Oh, no.

That's not even properly San Franciscan. So, I'm sorry. Ignore that completely. We're not going to tackle the Cheez Whiz hot dish recipe. Okay. Instead, we're going to make a classic beverage. It's something that I know you're all familiar with. Dr. Pepper?

No, no. We already covered Dr. Pepper. So, this is the recipe, the top secret recipe. The top secret recipe for Bailey's Irish Cream. Good. Jack, if you'll take that, please. Sure, no problem.

The top secret recipe. I hope they don't stay there. I know you guys probably love Bailey's Irish Cream. I love Bailey's Irish Cream, but I can't afford the $17 for a bottle of it. Right, yeah. There's the knock-off brands, but they're also... How can I make it for $14?

Alright. So what you're going to need is you're going to need some ingredients. Right. You're going to need 1 1⁄2 cups evaporated milk. Right. I have a 1 12-ounce can for those of you keeping score. Sure. one cup Irish whiskey okay two-thirds of cup granulated sugar okay Wow

well that was pretty fucking sweet so yeah now now you might be thinking that's too much sugar but the ingredient, one tablespoon of Hershey's chocolate syrup. Ah! Bailey's well known for being a chocolatey sort of thing. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I thought you were going Nesquik, but, you know, I'm fine. One teaspoon of vanilla extract.

What? And a half teaspoon of instant coffee. What? And a half teaspoon of instant coffee. What? Wait, what? I forget, is Bailey's ice cream Kahlua? I don't know. Well, hang on. I have this in my shelf.

Guys, guys. Hang on now. This is the secret recipe of Bailey's. Yeah. This is how they make it. Yeah. That's great. How else would it be a secret?

The website actually charges you. This website charges you to see the secret recipes, this being one of them. This one happens to be a free recipe. This one happens to be a free one. It's a teaser. It's a teaser to get the membership to see the secret recipes. So this is how they make it. Well, where do I send all of my money to?

Because this is delightful. Well, so I know what you're thinking. Right. I know what you're thinking right here. You're like, one half teaspoon needs the coffee. Yeah. So I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking right here. You're like, one half teaspoon needs the coffee. Do I do Folgers? Do I do Cuban? Do I do Maxwell House?

Can you answer that for me? I can't. You're going to have to figure that out yourself. Wait, but do we use the cheap or expensive Irish whiskey? I'm so confused. You know? Maybe if I go into the instructions that will clarify everything for you. I'm so confused. You know, maybe if I go into the instructions, that'll clarify everything for you. I'm sure it will.

I'm choking on Dorito sandwich. Well, I think that means that you won't have to eat no more of it. Oh, that's good. Alright, instruction. Combine all ingredients in a pitcher and mix well or shake until sugar is dissolved.

Store in the refrigerator in a sealed container. Shake before serving. So wait, you're shaking it in the pitcher? Do you just hold your hand over the... Do you just like hold it up to your chest to cover the pitcher and then like shimmy or something? Like, what the fuck? I think what you do is you take the pitcher and you put some saran wrap over it, and then you start twerking.

May I recommend a pussy-popping handstand? Y'all want to read you some comments? I would like to thank Jack Chick for finally giving us an opportunity to use Lady in the closing music of this movie. You can look forward to that in about five to ten minutes. You're welcome, Erica. Oh my god.

Hey, I follow this recipe exactly. I'm sorry, my name's Tony. Hi, Tony. Hey. You seem like a nice dude. I am a registered sex offender. name's Tony. Hi, Tony. Hey. You seem like a nice dude. I, um, am. What are you doing over here? I'm a registered sex offender. I inferred that. What?

Why do you have to put that in the comments in this segment? I live in Florida. They have strict rules. Anyway, I follow this recipe exactly. It's not as creamy as Bailey's, but it's not bad. I'll probably purchase one of the knock-offs

of Bailey's last time. Less expensive, but it's still creamy. Yeah, that's really the complaint that I would have there. This doesn't taste anything like Bailey's. It would be more like, it's just not creamy enough. Maybe if I added some more condensed milk. Yeah, that's his problem. He just needs to add more condensed milk.

Can I read a comment that made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Oh boy, can you. Boy, that's the standard of the content that you're reading. It's short yet sweet. Sure. Peggy, back in 2006. Hi, Peggy. My last recipe for Irish cream had raw eggs. This is much better. Oh, boy. No, that's not good.

That also gave me a little bit of salmonella. That probably made her throw up in her own mouth. Hey, kumquats up. Kumquats up. I notice that you've only eaten one bite of your Doritos sandwich. Was it not prepared to your liking? No, I was saving it for you. Excuse me, is there a problem with the sandwich?

Um, Krissa has a comment here on the Bailey's Irish Cream recipe that I would love for you to read. Krissia? Krissa, I think her name is? She loves this. Yeah, Krissia. My name is? She loves this. Yeah, Chris- Chrissia. Yeah. My name is Chrissia.

Hi. I loo- loo- loo- loo-ve Baileys in coffee. And don't get to have it that often due to the cost of a bottle. Right. This recipe is outstanding. And so similar to the original that I couldn't

tell the difference. I served Baileys and coffee at Christmas and nobody else could tell the difference either.

Hee hee hee! Couldn't work on this one. It's awesome! All of my friends have their taste buds. All taste blind.

Uh, uh, uh. Too much Baileys. Boots, could you read, uh, Cathal and Kate? Oh, oh. Hi, I am both Cathal and Kate. Hi, both Cathal and Kate. I made this recipe for my Irish husband.

What are you trying to imply? A discerning Bailey's drinker. Yeah, that is part of the tradition. When I think of the Irish, I think of really discerning taste in alcohol. When I think of Bailey's drinkers, I think of discerning.

And even he was impressed. Great recipe for the novice and experienced alike. A must try for the Bailey's enthusiasts. Bailey's enthusiasts? Yeah. Those are called date rapists. This recipe doesn't have Rohypnol in it.

How can I make raw food Rohypnol? Alright, so what you're going to do is you're going to put the healthy in the blender. You're right. Hello, my name's Chris. Hi, Chris. What's going on, Chris? What do you have to say to us, Chris? Does the raw food diet always make people defecate a lot?

I am sensing a theme in this podcast. Dump, dump, dump. I am thinking about trying the raw food diet for 30 days like Steve Pavlina did. Sure. Is it true that it makes you need to have near diarrhea 10 times a day? Yes. I'm going to go with yes. Currently, I use the toilet for number twos in the morning and have a shower after.

Right. Yes. Okay. I really do not want to have to use the toilet ten times a day. It's totally impractical for life. Sure. I agree. Yep. Okay. You need to be looking for a toilet whenever you want to. And also a shower, apparently. Jen D., you have the best answer. Oh, do I?

As voted on by the user, the best answer. You do poop more. But that is not the same thing as having diarrhea. Raw food does not cause loose stools. If you want to continue defecating once daily, a raw food diet is not for you. Boots, would you take Leia? I tried this once and I was pooping what looked like black tar. Oh my god. Oh, my God.

That's not related. No. It was basically like eating a natural laxative. People that do this to lose weight are prone to have eating disorders. Sure. If you want to eat raw for a few days just to clean up your system, that's one thing, but doing it for 30 days is stupid. You will be

flushing out most of the essential vitamins and nutrients you're eating. So what's the point of eating? To me, the Emily program. What's the point of eating? To me, it's like bulimia of the butt. Why are you all laughing at me?

Man, I clearly did my Emily program joke 10 seconds too early. Yes, you did. I'm so sorry. I just want to say, like, if you're having black tarp poop, you're either a newborn baby or you're having internal bleeding. So maybe she should call hospital. Stop making fun of my microneum. bleeding so maybe she should call us but I'm making fun of my my cornea you know if you need to clean out your system for a few days just going around for you that's totally fine but you know other people they just take it way too far

okay I think I'd like you to finish this off because I'm worried if we keep reading we'll end up eating something else. And we have this one prepared too. Yeah, exactly. So we don't have this one prepared. So that's good. This is the broccoli and mushroom.

That repeated on me. This is the broccoli and mushroom stir fry. We're back at rawamazing.com. What's your name? Oh, first we are. I'm also Susan. This is our third Susan recipe.

Right. It's actually the same Susan. I know. I just wanted to point out she also has a book that's available for her rawamazing day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a sponsor, so don't make fun of it. I'd just like to point out that some food has been sped up on this tablet. Sorry.

I don't know how that would have happened. All right, so this is my broccoli mushroom stir-fry. Wait, it does get stirred. Stirred does not belong in those groups. Okay, okay. It's stirred but not fried. Okay. It's stirred, but not fried. Okay. Creating new raw food recipe is something that I love to do.

Even more fun is getting surprised along the way. When I started this recipe, I had something very different in mind. As I started throwing ingredients together, I was taken in a completely different direction. As I started cramming shit into my blender, I just was shocked at what came out. Instead of being complete glop shit into my blender, I just was shocked.

Instead of being complete glop, it was a different type of glop. Oh, okay. That entire Doritos sandwich is kind of catching up to me right now. The result is a very quick and easy stir fry that will please everyone. This raw food recipe will banish all of your excuses.

To hell. It is not complicated. It does not take too much time. And the flavors are great. I don't believe her. A quick marinade. Chop a few veggies. Toss and eat.

Parsnips make up the rice. What? No, they don't believe her. A quick marinade. Chop a few veggies. Toss and eat. Parsnips make up the rice. What? No, they don't. Rice. Okay. You're right. They do. I am lured in by the seductive charms of your quotation of your parsnips.

I am becoming very fond of parsnip rice. Okay, fuck you. Equipment needed, food processor. Yep. Oh, yeah, really. All right. You know what I'm saying. The marinade is a quarter cup of olive oil, two tablespoons of nama shoyu, and one tablespoon

of agave or raw honey. Mm-hmm. Okay. Whisk that shit together. Okay. Now, with the stir fry, You'll have One and a half cups Of sliced mushrooms Okay

One cup of chopped broccoli Okay One large parsnip Two carrots One cup of pea pods Sesame oil Which You can do it

Whatever the fuck I don't care If you do it Yeah And black sesame seeds Which Fuck whatever Okay

Black sesame seeds The ones that are just it Good Right No they're just black they came from the black sesames can i can i just have a really quick question can we go back to the marinade for just a second yes so i'm really confused by the word whisk is that anything like blending just a slower blending oh okay thank you get it. Okay, thank you. See, that's where all the variation comes in.

It's blending like the pie. Oh, that's why she was surprised by this. Different speeds of blending. She was like, well, I originally threw it all in a blender and that didn't work, so then I tried whisking it. Okay, so we have, except for the rice, a bunch of shit that you would otherwise put into stir fry. Yes. So it's going to really be a matter of process, like Szechuan cooking usually is. So it's going to be a matter of process about how you create a wonderful dish from these very simple ingredients. Yeah.

Okay. Place the broccoli and mushrooms in marinade. Yeah. Stir to coat. Set aside. Right. Peel and cut the parsnip into pieces. Place into a food processor and process until it's into a bunch of unpleasant chunks.

Sure. Okay. Yep. Cut the carrots into matchstick-sized pieces. People normally call those matchsticks. I'm saying matchstick-sized pieces. What? You don't want to confuse people.

Mm-hmm. Chop the peapods into half-inch pieces and mix into the parsnip rice with carrots. What you'll have is something that looks unpleasant. Okay, so now we have our sort of sous chef duties down. So now we're ready to actually make the vegan raw stir fry. Okay, how do we do this? Put them in the same bowl. We're done.

That was a lovely condensation. Good, good. You really encapsulated the essence of Susan's words there. Did I check your Leelani? Yummy! I have all the ingredients, yeah, beets and parsnips, and I will be making this for lunch today. Thank you

My name is Alberta Alberta? Alberta, as in the province of Canada The Texas of Canada Very creative I'm going to grab onto your knee while doing this whole thing Very creative And wild recipes

Always with a twist What the fuck is the twist? very creative and wild recipes always with a twist I am currently what the fuck is the twist like that they didn't blend literally everything I I am currently looking for those amazing looking cinnamon

buns and I need to know what temp to dial in my all new Excalibur for the dehydration part. Your photos are especially delicious. What kind of camera slash lens, etc. Oh, good. I count down the hours waiting for your next raw creation. Thank you.

I just have to interrupt. Okay. This is Nita here. Yeah. Hi, Susan. I've never commented before, but there's always a first time. Long time listener. First time caller.

I've been following your blog for a while now, and you've inspired me more than my words can express. Love your blog, your photos, your food, your energy. Your blender. Your blending. There's a dual award, happy and sunshine, waiting for you at my blog. Ingratitude, Nita. Jesus fucking Christ. I just wanted to actually put the essence of San Francisco back into this podcast.

Yeah, no, that's good. Closing off with the worst of the hippie bullshit. It's small-backed hippie bullshit. The physicality we were missing in the audio podcast was the Vanna White gesture. Yeah, I also ran out and put on a dashiki before I started reading that. So there is actually one person here that has been in the room. Silence. Stone's silent, except for the times when he wasn't.

But it is another San Francisco native, Happy Ending's roommate, who wants to be, uh, unnamed. I mean, as much as happy ending does not afford the anonymity. But anyway, uh, so,

uh, here we are in this room, uh, reading some shit inside of his apartment. And, uh, he became curious about, uh,

the concept of, uh, pink Himalayan salt. What did you find, sir? Here's what I found out. Himalayan salt is considered to be the most pure form of whole salt on the planet. Right. Having never been exposed to impurities,

and protected deep within the Himalayans for millions and millions of years, we take pride in our artisan quality, keeping it true to its pure nature. What? Yep. Yep. It is literally, like, protected by Tibetan Buddhist monks. No, no, no.

The idea of artisan quality is that somebody is specifically making it. Right. The artisan in this case is the earth. Yeah. Perhaps you've heard of her. Mother Gaia. Oh. The artisan in this case is the earth. Yeah. Mother Gaia. Oh.

Himalasalt was formed from the primordial ocean during a time of great tectonic pressure. This is important today. Even the highest quality sea salts come from the current ocean. So that's what that Queen song is about. That can contain heavy metals and harmful pollutants. Yeah, heavy metals.

And greatly differ from Himalayan salt. Also known as pink salt. Right. Himalayan pink salt. Yeah. Himalayan rock salt. Sure. Himalayan sea salt.

Yeah. And Himalayan crystal salt. And Susan. Wait. Wait. Wait. There's a sea in the Himalayas? Yes.

Okay. A primord? Yes. Okay. A primordial one. Oh! It comes from Pangea. So wait, they actually have like a time machine where they go back in time and mine the salt from all the impurities and come back? That's why it's pink. That's the power of hippieism. It's actually the time travel that makes it pink.

Yeah. Regardless of what it's called, Himalaya salt, trademark, is the purest form of Himalayan salt that one can find. Created by nature 250 million years ago, during a time of pristine environmental integrity, and carefully hand-selected for the highest quality in color, clarity, and purity. Sure.

With a conscious commitment to wholesome quality and the planet, Okay. Our polisalt blend of Himalayan salt is produced in our chemical and gluten-free

certified organic What? kosher green-e facility Wait, that's my major problem with salts is that the rest of it is just too fucking high. No, my major problem is that

there are chemicals in it. Sodium, chlorine, eww. Located in the Berkshire Mountains of western Massachusetts. How is that possible? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Those are Himalayas. The cleanest city in the world, yes. Unlike many

others today who have their Himalayan salt packaged in facilities in Pakistan or India. Which is closer to the fucking Himalayas. You know where the Himalayas are. Our full range of Himalayan salts, organic peppercorns,

salt plates, and serving ware. Wait, wait, wait. Salt plates? They have plates that you can put food on that are made of Himalayan salt. Okay, so like the lamps. Oh, I see, I see. Like plate armor, I assume. That's my favorite armor in Skyrim.

I challenge you to battle! And bath salts are made using 100% wind power. Are those the same bath salts that make you go crazy and eat someone's face, or is that a different kind of bath salt? By wind power, they just mean

hippies farting on it for a while. Certified by the Green-E and the Bonneville Environmental Foundation. My name's the Green-E. I approve of these bath salts. I make sure everything we make is raw. I make sure everything we make is raw. I make sure everything we make is raw. And there we go. An indeterminate amount of time

for this recording. Hey, Boots. Yes? What in the world did you learn from all of this? Can I get another Doritos sandwich? Yeah, yeah. No, I have actually a couple bites left in mine.

No, I don't want that that I want a full D1 You can't have it but you can have the rest of my Oh your glop Thank you Back to what I learned I learned that carrot glop is a terrible chaser for a Dorito sandwich

Information you didn't definitively know No In case you were wondering, don't. Just don't. Did you try putting the carrot blob on the sandwich? I could do that. Good, good. We're going to watch this as I

answer this question. Keep going. I guess I learned there's no end of terrible options that can be had when putting a bunch of shit in the blender with only using curry spices, apple cider vinegar, nutritional yeast, and agave syrup. So I think I've got a pretty good grasp on raw foods, and I'm going to go make some jicama. Right.

Flax. Flax. Apple cider vinegar. Apple cider vinegar pancakes. Yeah. By just pouring it in a blender and then just pouring that into my mouth. Yeah, it's really amazing. I mean, we spent quite a while looking into this raw food kind of concept, and you are eating that so close to my nose.

It's worse than you could possibly imagine. I'm imagining pretty bad. Anyway, we looked so far into this, and I mean, people are so turned on by the concept of raw foods for reasons that are obvious. You know, cavemen didn't cook food, and they sure lived a long, healthy life. But, like, the thing is that they're so eager to cheat. They use maple syrup. They use soy sauce, like, without really paying much attention to it. And also, and this is something we didn't really touch on as much as we could have, partly because we couldn't make these recipes because they took fucking 19 hours.

But they eschew the concept of eating, the concept of putting something in the oven for 10 minutes. Instead, what they do is they dehydrate something at 140 degrees for 9 hours, and then they say, oh, yeah, it's raw food. Because if you lived in the Serengeti and you stuck your apples out here, then it would pretty much end up like this. Yeah. It's cooking, but not really. Yeah.

Because I bought a $600, as I said, dehydrator. Right. And that's really the unifying concept of this, is it is cooking, but not really. Yeah. Yeah, and that's the magic of this. I'd also like to give a special shout out to Montreth

who came up with the ideas of doing searches for both Doritos and Dr. Pepper right yeah because God forbid we did an episode that Montreth isn't involved in

somehow yeah and yeah the other thing just very briefly is that as I said I spent

quite a bit of money and good ingredients on making a dish just very briefly is that as I said, I spent quite a bit of money and good ingredients on making a dish that uniformly was good. I mean, it had, you know, green onions, it had stuff that was tasty, and then you put it all together in a bowl, and it fucking sucks.

On the other hand, you have the sandwich of the Dorito sandwich, which was like $4 bun, Dorito, and butter. And it tastes like bun, Dorito, and butter. So to that end, the Food Network people win out because at least it's cheaper. Yeah. Can I just make a comment that kind of encapsulates this whole, like your whole argument?

Yeah, by all means. All right, so this is from Susan's blog, and this is from the broccoli mushroom something thing that we just read. I tried this recipe, but something went terribly wrong on my end. I'm convinced it was me. I don't know what happened, but it just didn't taste good at all. Perhaps my palate needs to get used to food in the wrong form. Because I so wanted to throw those mushrooms in a skillet. Ugh, I'll keep trying.

Yeah, that about sums it up. Yeah. And in speaking in the San Francisco experience, what I would like to say is, what was your it up. Yeah. And in speaking in the San Francisco experience, what I would like to say is, what was your name there? Barbara. Yeah. Barbara. Barbara. Barbara.

You think that the food tastes bad, but in fact, your tongue is bad. And good night! This is the F Plus Podcast. Check out Ball Pit. Where'd the cheese go? I don't know. Where'd the cheese go? I don't know. Where'd the cheese go? I don't know.

I don't know. Where'd the cheese go? I don't know. Bacon grease, y'all.