The F Plus - twas: 'Twas The Night of Jack Chickmas

Episode Date: August 15, 2018

So, Cat Examiner submitted a document that was nothing but "Night Before Christmas" style poems. Then, the next day, Jack Chick got drunk and recorded the entire document, top to bottom, by himself.

Welcome to the F Plus Podcast. It's a terrible place, there's terrible things, read with enthusiasm. In the room tonight we have Jack Chick. Jack Chick. Jack Chick. Yeah, we have Jack Chick. Jack Chick. Jack Chick. Yeah, it's just me. So, welcome to a very special episode of Rock. I'm sorry, I mean the F Plus podcast.

Terrible Things, Rad With Enthusiasm. Tonight we have a special episode where we are, and by we I mean me, doing exclusively Night Before Christmas parmas parodies so you know fuck that noise um i have uh about a half a handle of whiskey here um and this document document provided by cat examiner so big fuck you to you uh but seriously thank you very much um and uh let's do this so at the uh the beginning, and also all of these are from Reddit. So, you know, it's like a triple whammy of the worst thing in the fucking world. So intro to the document says twas the night before Friday and all through the dock are just stupid poems, not even a cock. The links were all posted above headings with care. not even a cock.

The links were all posted above headings with care. Fuck this. It's Reddit posts without the word Christmas. I'm sorry. I'm out. So let's get to this. I'm sure these will be a lot better than I thought they were. And the first one doesn't have any line breaks and starts with an ellipsis.

Fantastic. Here we go. Twas the night before and Taurus and all throughout Argus, not a demon was stirring, not even the ildari the vindicar was pristine and golden high in the air bombing the hell out of some wall down there hopeful heroes laid out some felt cookies and demon skulls hoping for sargeras to come when out the vindicar window boom was the sound as Greenfell surrounded the hall. It was Old Saint Sargeras appearing with his FELL AND SHADOW CORRUPTED HOUNDS.

He broke the glass as the heroes scattered, reaching in for fell cookies and other disasters. Alright, now hang the fuck on. I need to just, you know, pour a little bit of whiskey here. Apologies for the interlude, but I don't have anybody to banter with, so just gonna have to bear with me here. Daddy needs a little help here. When he ate the cookies,

he tummy began rumbling as Illidan appeared, saying, Those were not prepared properly. He ate the cookies, he tummy began rumbling as Illidan appeared saying, Those were not prepared. Properly. That, god, fucking fuck. Sargeras turned a fell shade of green as his next pit stop was the Antorus waste stream. Soon the heroes rejoiced as he began to puke out his purple goodies and with that Argus was saved and the heroes got some new clothes who doesn't love new clothes on antorus day ellipsis the end ellipsis with an additional

period or is it done done done it is all right well that was fucking terrible so i'm sure i'm sure that they you know he front-loaded the duck cat examiner smart guy or lady or uh uh some sort of non-binary gender apologies um you know we would have front-loaded the duck everything is going to be a lot easier here so um so uh jack chick yes lemon or Jack Chick. How do you like football? I don't. Twas the night before football went all through the house. Not a sanction was levied. Not even down south.

The off-season's end was so close you could hear the sound of fan bases releasing their fears. The coaches were nestled in their hotel beds with visors and headsets atop their worried heads. This is way more creative than normal. What? Okay. Good. No, this is way more creative than normal what okay good no this is this is looking up away to the tv i flew like a flash and tuned into game day desmond such an yeah there we go a little old seminal so lively and quick i prepped for the moment lee corso's first pick

more rapid than eagles the crowd's response came he reclined and shouted and called them by name. Now Buckeyes, now schooners, now tigers and rebels, on Hoosiers, on badgers, on bulldogs and devils, to the top of the tunnels, to the snap of the ball. Fill the stadium seats. Rats, don't blow the calls. or untouched yet by the snow, sang songs and cheered cheers for the players below. Elephants and tigers and gators and voles put aside their grievances to watch young men throw balls. The Trojans and Bruins, the Cardinal and Ducks left front yards untrimmed and gave precisely no fucks. The players were playing. Fall was in the air men grilled up their meat and tossed corn sacks with care austinites and normans slapped hands and clinked beers

the people were happy college football is here okay all right i can do this it's it's it's still early right? This is Twas the Night Before Endor. Twas the night before update when all through the game, every player was praying for it not to be lame. The blasters were hung by the dewbacks with care in hopes that Darth Vader soon would be there. Stormtroopers were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of wisties danced round in their heads idyn in her armor and i in my cap had just settled our droids for a long oil bath when out in the

woods there arose such a clatter i sprang from my bunk to see what was the matter away from the transport i flew like a flash the wind knocked my rifle over with a crash. The Death Star on the breast of the new-fallen leaves made us all give thanks to our Emperor Sheev, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but a small furry gremlin with puppy-dog ears. The moment I knew that it must be Ewoks, armed with nothing more than sticks and rocks. He whistled and shouted and called them by name. Yub-nub, wicket, yub-nub, chirpa, yub-nub, log-ree, and tebow. To me, it all sounded the same.

I... I... Yub-nub, wicket, yub-nub, chirpa, to- yub-nub, log- I can't... I can't do that. As dry leaves that burn like a natural wick. Just like Luke Han and Chewie all tied to a stick. So up to the top of the transport they flew with a sack full of garbage and teddy bear poo. Then in a twinkling we felt it rain down,

the laughing and chirping as the stuff hit the ground. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down jumped a big one all bushy and brown. He was covered in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tattered and trimmed with black soot. A bundle of twigs was strapped on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. His eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples how merry, his cheeks were like like roses his nose like a cherry his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth and the smoke and encircled his head like a wreath he had a broad face and a

little round belly and shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly it was chubby and plump from the overcast moon like an overweight jawa or a furry balloon a wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me a bottomless feeling of dread brother i know that one pardon me he spoke not a word but pulled out his bow in the darkness knocked one twisted arrow this is not getting better he let the thing fly i knew there were others to the side in the shadows his sisters and brothers as i slowly lost consciousness and went into shock the last thing i saw was those fucking ewoks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, that was some good, uh...

Um... I don't know. Uh... Okay, so I think this one's a... Oh, Jesus. Fuck. Okay. Um, so this one's a Marvel Universe, I think.

Maybe the DC... I don't know the difference. Anyways, this is Twas the night before thanos twas the night before banos went all through the sub not a creature was stirring not even the daughter of thano this one's gonna hurt the posts posts were shit-posted without any care, and our hope our Lord Thanos soon would be there. The children of Thanos were nestled all snug in their threads, while vision of the giant plum danced in their heads. Iron Man in his armor and his best friend Cap weren't ready to succumb to their infinite nap hyphen. When out on the front page arose such a clatter i headed straight

to new to see what was the matter all 680 000 of us flew like quicksilver embraced our last karma as we no longer grew bigger i waved goodbye to my latest shit post and readied my asshole for the great thano when what to my wondering eyes should appear but a giant nutsack and six glimmering stones and ebony ma so coming and mean i knew in a moment my destiny was not as it seemed more rapid than falcons like coursers they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now Corvus Glaive, now Ebony Maw, on Proxima Midnight, on Cull Obsidian, to Wakanda right over the wall. Now snap away, snap away, snap away all. Scrolling down. As dry sand before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet their doom floating away to the sky so up to

wakanda like falcon they flew with a gauntlet full of stones and thanos too and then in a twinkling i understood the words mr stark i don't feel so good as thor drew his hammer close and was turning around down through the forest thanos came with a bound. Why are these all ending with colons now? Anyways. He was dressed like a warrior from his head to his foot, and his armor was all tarnished with ashes and soot. A gauntlet of gold was tight on his arm, and he looked like he...

Sorry. And he looked like wanted to do us all harm. His eyes so unhappy. His face had no mercy. His cheeks were like grimace. His chin like a raisin. I knew this was going to be bad, but... His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow.

And the six infinity stones were all aglow. He had a broad face and a big muscled belly reminded me of brolin but the color of jelly a snap of his finger and a twist of his head soon gave me to know i had something to dread he spoke just a word but it went straight to his work balance he said then i felt a jerk and laying his finger aside of his nose one of his stones glimmered just like a rose he waved to his order and then the avengers and down they all fell including the revengers but i heard his exclaim ear he drove out of sight hyphen this just cost me everything this terrible and, oh, oh boy, okay, so we got, we got, we got, uh, these just, oh god, these don't stop,

okay, all right, all right, how far in am I, not far at all, all right, good, so, uh, fuck, Not far at all. All right. Good. Fuck. All right. Hey, Jack Chick. How do you feel about, I mean, I know weed is legal in Portland.

So how do you feel about weed? I hope good because this is Twas the Night Before 420. Twas the night before 420 and deep in the stash. The nugs were all safe and stored with the hash Bongs were placed out with the joints and rigs All ready and waiting for the monstrous hits Tricombs they sparkled like a crystal rock Harvested early to avoid that couch lock Extended version as requested by Elora1980

Twas the night before 420 and deep in the star Alright, we've already got Okay Trichomes they sparkled like crystallized rock Harvested early to avoid that couch lock Now it's just me and the homies lounging round in the night When we hear some subwoofers it jolts us with fright The sound leaves us puzzled, we don't have a clue

Then suddenly we hear it, the sound leaves us puzzled we don't have a clue then suddenly we hear it the sound of gin and juice we rush out the door to catch a glimpse of what's there it was the d-o-double-g with braids in his hair fuck god fuck oh good no okay yeah this gets better um what's cranking my cuz his voice does proclaim i've got the dank shit this weed is insane we open the door and let the dog in there's not even a second where his mouth doesn't grin he moves through the house carrying a cloud of smoke looks at us and says well cuz we gone toke i we follow him inside pick our jaws off the floor sure we reply we can always smoke more snoop lit up the nail and for each place to dab he says try

this shit it's come straight from the lab lab. That sweet scent fills the room from wall to wall. Let us get wasted. To our beds we all crawl. We lit up and smoked for at least a few hours. From wax hash and edibles right through to flowers. From wax hash and edibles right through to flowers. Take care, Snoop did say as he did take his leave. Don't forget to tell this story to everyone on Slash Trees. I feel like I've already run a marathon.

All right, I don't know what the fuck this is, so this will be easy to read. Also, this one doesn't have any... This one has line breaks, but it doesn't have any, um, any, any couplet breaks. So it was the night before Gwent miss went all through the server. Not a creature was stirring, not even a berserker. The subreddit was upvoting shit posts with care in hopes that open beta soon would be there. The streamers were nestled all snug in their beds while vision of Ragnar Rugg danced in their heads. And SlashU SlashBurza46 with his sword and I in my cap had just settled our brains for a late May nap.

When out on the web there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter. Away to Gog flew I... Whoa, okay. Away to Gog I flew i well okay a way to gog i flew like siri colon dash siri with a c maybe i don't kiri i don't know i opened the browser and the update button mashed when what to my wondering eyes did appear but a friendly match waiting open beta was here my newest opponent was so lively and badass i knew in a moment he must be slash you slash reth as more rapid than roaches his cards they all came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name now foltis now m higher now browver and harald on aglace on decoy on kiri and gerald to the top of the deck to the top of

the ladder now win a game win a game win a game faster i feel like i need frank west in this fucking room because i don't know what the goddamn fuck this is about and then in a twinkling i heard quite a fracas the prancing and pawing of each little aracas as i looked in my hand was passing around when it hit me close beta rewards had yet to be found so i searched in the menus every cranny and nook when down the ethernet came old saint shoop uh when oh i see when down the ethernet came old saint shoop a bundle of kegs he had flown on his back and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack he had a broad smile and a very large belly he bore such great gifts i didn't mind he was smelly he was chubby and plump a right jolly old troll and i laughed when i saw, that my decks would be

whole, he opened a keg, there was Kahir and Johnny, and I knew in no time I would reach rank 20, I heard him exclaim, ere I logged off his site, happy Gwentmas to all, and to all a good night, sorry this is a day early, but I had fun making this, and I wanted to get it out there, enjoy CDPR, devs, thank you for all the good work you do i hope this isn't creepy ellipsis the end um okay is oh good the next one is a nascar one good fucking great all right twas the night before race day. This was a really bad decision. Twas the night before race day and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse. The tickets were placed by the door with care in hopes that the bricks soon would I stare.

The daughter was nestled all snug in her bed while I had visions of milk being poured over heads. And mama is snoozing while dad picks out his race cap. He thought about how long he'll sleep. Hell, we'll call it just a nap. Then out on the track, the Borg Warner did shine. 33 drivers dreamed one day you'll be mine. Away to our seats, we flew like a flash. Tore open our coolers to dig into our stash.

The sun shining on the cars lined up on the grid sparked memories of race days i attended as a kid when what to my wondering i should appear 33 drivers announced to the crowd while showing no fear this is big on the 33 drivers here uh with the young pace car driver so lively and quick i knew in a moment it must be the pacers vic more rapid than eagles the flyover came when the holman george family proudly proclaimed ellipsis lady and lady and gentlemen start your engines now rossi now marco now carpenter and dixon now joseph now will now tony and wickens their engines did roar in 11 rows of three.

So guys, I think that there are 33 drivers. I think that, I think that's a, that's a big thing with this, this thing. Their engines did roar in 11 rows of three. In the of the archbishop we say godspeed all right uh uh all right so hey listeners if you're still fucking here you're a hero um i guess i i i'm regretting this a lot actually anyways uh uh who wants overwatch

this one is is loaded in this one has the word humor in it at the top and i don't know why because clearly there's no humor found here all right so the title is to twas the night before overwatch but uh we're just going to start it where this starts and all through the servers not a payload was moving no players as movers the launcher was open on the desktop with care in hopes that the new update soon would be there the players were nestled all sets snug on their heads while visions of legendary skins danced in their heads and may and her snow coat and i and my mech had settled our mains for a short anticipation filled nap when out of anubis there arose such a clatter i sprang from my spawn point to see what was the matter away to the capture capture point, I used my dash, readied my ult for a dragon slash.

The sun of Egypt on the ancient sand gave waves to the scene I saw firsthand. When what to my green visor should appear but a rotating turret and various skew-pinning gears. With a little old mechanic commenting with scorn, I knew in a moment it was Santa Tiorborn. More rapid than eros his machination gave shot and he yelled i'm giving it all i've got now tracer now reaper now widow and

me on diva on anna on sombra and mccree to point a to point b to eliminate the foe get your armor and your scrap we've not long to go as salt from the bastion from potting flows the heroes come pouring from the entries to choke out to the choke point to end their game strap the heroes go armored with the wise old dwarf's net and then with a thwip and then with a thwipping i heard on the arch an the arch an enemy sniper taking shots at our march. As I drew my head to the spawn point's yellow cross, the jolly old dwarf came waddling across. He was dressed all in metal from his head to his caps, and his beard was all tangled with ashes and scrap. A bundle of junk he had flung on his back and he looked like a peddler

flinging armor from his pack his eyes how they twinkled yet his eyebrows so scary his cheeks were as roses and his nose like a cherry his big metal hammer was held up to the sky and from his bearded mouth i did hear him cry all players of overwatch the new season will plight. Happy blizzness to all and to all a fair fight. Okay. Alright. Apologies for the delay here. I'm used to letting Lemon speak when I you know, drink

a little bit of liquid or, you know, wet the whistle sort of thing. Okay, so this one's called Twas the Night Before Worlds and I don't know what the fuck that means. So we'll find out together. This'll be an adventure.

Okay, this'll be exciting. Twas the night before worlds, when all through the school not a student was stirring not using a power tool the trailer was packed by george r brown with care in hopes that dean common soon would be there the mentors were snuggled all god fuck the mentors were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of blue banners danced in their heads and head scout in his data and i in my memes were ready to become powered by steam when out on the pit there arose such a clatter i sprang from the stands to see what was the matter away to the pits I flew with no lag, tore open the boxed robot and threw up its bag. The moon on the metal of the new milled machine gave a lustry of beauty to

an object of green, when what to my wondering eyes did show but a three miniature segue in a straight row. Okay, with a little old driver and the smell of jeans i knew in a moment he must be dean more rapid than eagles his coursers they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name now robonauts now blarggle gish now spectrum and paradox as in a pear, the fruit. On Texas, torque on Kryptonite, on high voltage and Robodox. To the top of the boiler, to the top of the airship. Now fly away, fly away, fly away quick. As Lee is that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the housetop, the robots they they flew with the sleigh full of power tools and

dean common too then in a twinkling i heard a great sequel the prancing and pawing of each little wheel as i drew in my head and was turning around down the rope dean came with a bound he was dressed all in denim from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnished with grease and soot a bundle of awards he had flung on his back and he looked like a peddler spelled wrong just opening his pack he was chubby and plump a right jolly old elf and i laughed when i saw him in spite of myself a wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know i had nothing to dread he spoke not a word but went straight to his work and filled all the pits, then churned with a jerk

and laying his finger aside of his safety glasses. I know I haven't been commenting on how fucking bad this Ganshin is on all of these, but you know, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what this was. And giving a nod up the rope he passes he sprang to his airship to his alliance gave a whistle and away they all flew like the down of a thistle but i heard him exclaim here he drove out of sight gracious professionalism to all and to all a good night uh fucking what i'm okay i need to know what the fuck this is this comes from uh from uh all of these are from redhead by the way i don't know if i remember

mentioning that but they're all from reddit um and this one is from uh r slash swole acceptance and i don't know what that is so So, this is, oh god, this is a fucking, what the? Oh, nope, whoops, sorry. Nope, that was in fact not that. That's the next one. So, you know, sneak preview. The next one's about weightlifting. I figure I, you know, I don't know.

Maybe I should edit these. I don't fucking know. I don't care. Fuck all of this. First robotics competition was what the last one was from all right moving on um what's the what's the jimmy franks joke uh just saying edit point a lot all right uh let's skip the tale of saint lift because fuck that um yeah it ends with happy lift lift miss to all use good form all night so you know that's dumb uh we can go back to that one if i have extra time which i won't because fuck this uh so now we're on to some short ones um so i feel like i should put an f plus yay in here i don't

know anyways twas the night before heavy and all through the world, all the space nerds were nervous, even Elon, our lord. What? What? What? What? Okay, nope, we're gonna plow through. T'was the night before Heavy and all through the world, all the space nerds were nervous even elon our lord the heavy was perched on the launch pad with care in hope that no hold hold holds would ever be there

i could go on but i'm lazy all right next up we have two years for refuelers a dock in battle original poem oh dokan sorry i uh uh you know you put something that sounds like a fucking hair metal band and i'm gonna go there every single time so uh if you're still listening sorry about that twas the night before fourth transformation and nothing made of peep fuck okay okay no people resting up and getting their sleep i might be wrong what with 50 off on a lot of stuff ellipsis for all i know you're farming broly's event i know he's pretty buff stones have been they just don't even give a shit about this one stones have been saved hard earned and bought

from fdp to p2p we all love to get a lot let's take a moment to be real it's bandai namco ha you thought it's not how this works that's not how any of this works one year ago did gogeta race this grace the stage somehow on jpn he's still all the rage the game started with one player and now it has fans nearing deer. Dear as in the animal. Guess you could say we started from the bottom, and now we're here. Fuck you! Fuck!

God, fuck! Ugh! Good luck to all who plan to pull. It may be blue, it may be red, but prepare for the bull... How is this the worst one I've even read so far? Good... God, fuck. Fuck fuck you fuck all of you with my luck though being sent out to you lot it should be a great summoning season making the new fights easily fought all right that was a disaster so let's move on to pokemon you have to insert your own yay here because uh yeah twas the night before mewtwo

twas the night before mewtwo when all through the chats no one was still talking about pikachu hats their phones were all plugged in no cables were loose they didn't want to risk running out of juice revive all their creatures health back to full a boss fight is coming, it will not be dull, but first at the gym, we will see who still has hyphen, red, blue, or yellow hyphen, the most golden Raz, then who should appear at the top of the gym, we knew he was coming, it's Mewtwo, it's him, the crowd falls into a hush that won't last, because hyphen, oh curses, oh hyphen, he has focus blast focus blast with strength in numbers we fight together, fingers numb from the cold winter weather soon it is done, Mewtwo had

a big fall, time to catch him in our own Pokeball may luck be with you, your curveballs fly true, that you might soon have your own new Mewtwo okay, that was a bad idea actually candid candid looks into uh the jacker chick reporting recording here um i need more booze

uh so this one's called twas the night oh god okay so this one's from slash r slash Foo Fighters. Twas the night before Fumas went all through the house. All the creatures were rocking. Even the mouse. The truck was packed with tailgating fare in hopes that Dave Grohl soon would be there. See you guys in Camden at four for pre-show activities. Ooh, I like this these next few are like really fucking short this is way better uh this one's from uh slash r slash bulwark coin um so that's that's gonna be good let's go let's go there let's take a little break here um this is absolutely not so that i can pour myself

another shot um there's probably some hum in my room i can hear it and i'm probably not going to edit it out so if this sounds like total shit i apologize um but you know uh once again you know what this was uh okay so so bulwark is uh doesn't is a subreddit that has absolutely no um no description so so that's good uh so i'm just assuming it's some bullshit blockchain crap so twas the night before pos went all through the crypto on how this works twas the night before pos went all through the i'm sorry i i'm sorry i am a professional and i fucked this up it was the night before pos went all throw apostrophe the crypto community not a creature was shorting not even the dumpers the the okay the limited

stock were hung by cryptopia with care in hopes that proof of stake would still be there soon would be there the investors will nestled all snug in their beds while visions of lambos danced in their heads the end okay this is from slash r slash instacart shoppers. Um, um, um, yeah. Twas the night before July 4th, ellipsis, when all through the house, not a dinner was cooking, not even a steak. The orders were submitted with care in hopes that some icy shopper would be there. The shoppers were nestled all ready to shop when visions of getting batches danced in their head. Holy shit, this is so bad how did you fuck this up so awfully oh my god i can't i can't i can't handle this i what i oh boy okay okay well visions of getting batches danced in their heads

male you have a fruitful and safe shopping day free of scammers and non-tipping asshats i i'm just gonna add this one here so this is a total ad lib guys ole because i wanted a fucking rhyme okay so uh once again the stock provided to us by cat examiner um uh uh you know i feel like i some plug some shit so you know uh the website uh th afpl.us uh if you're listening to this you probably knew that but if you didn't uh you should go there there's merch for sale maybe i think let me actually look at that because i'm i'm not stalling for time that would never happen but uh while i'm stalling for time uh you know we have a great british jerk off sticker that's pretty good um you can get a uh a love yourself button that uh says that you're worth a 27 dildo that's all pretty good we still have a

uh an f plus live six show poster which is badass as fuck and you should own that um because it's badass as fuck uh yeah so there's some good merch there uh you can donate to the podcast so that we can continue to provide you with top quality content such as me in a room by myself reading nightmare before or night before christmas parodies um you know or you could could pay me to stop doing this. That would also be acceptable. Okay, this is Twas the Night Before FISA Release. This is from slash r slash Frank Ocean.

Okay. Twas the night before FISA release when all through the net, not an anon was sleeping, not even the autists. Quick proviso, we do not at the F plus support slurs against neurodivergent people. The droppings were posted by the reflections with mobs in hopes that patriots soon would be wokes. The normies were nestled all snuggled in beds while updates of celeb tweets filled their screens and mama in her bedroom and i in the basement had just reloaded the chans for a really dank meme and i'm done with this one oh we're moving on to twas the night

before litmus this is from uh do i have a look oh, I think. Sorry, the last one was, uh, was The Great Awakening slash r slash Great Awakening. This one's slash r slash Frank Ocean. Apologies. Twas the night before litmus and all through the sub, not a letter was occurring, not even a dub. W. The people were praying by the banner with care in the hopes that slash you slash melee fat though. hopes that slash you slash melee fat though melee the though it would soon be there the fans were restless all snug in pink and white with visions of frank oceans set right in their sights slash you slash ob jesus sends a text in melee says no the masses are waiting and losing their self-control blonde is on repeat and endless is next on the shelf frank's mom's message is ingrained i should always be myself enter the 59th minute and i hear ryan start to chatter the only hang on i need to take a shot here before i proceed so what caused me pause here is the word bro spelled b-r-a-e-a-o sorry b-r-e-a-u-x um so that's a thing the only bro in the fan whose dreams do not shatter been waiting so long let me put on nights i still hear his mom's message just hang on tight the time's quicking

ticking quick and i start to feel the pain but apple music comes in clutch and on comes nova cane what's that in the distance i hear nike's on blast perhaps the time is now perhaps tonight is the last i open my chrome turn to the sub and alas the door still doors are still closed to the booty club twas the night before fishmas deleted yay well but we have an archive of it. Great! Boo! Okay, this one's really fucking long and it's all about fish. Okay, but I'm getting close to the end of this document, so my torment might be over here. Okay. "'Twas the night before fishmas all have gone through our nook. Not a creature was stirring, not even a wook. The hoodies were hung by the chimneys with care.

Space, ellipsis, space. In hopes that fish would soon be there. Nope, nobody's hoping for that. Literally fucking nobody. And I in my lot shirt and my heady mama with her booze had just settled down for a quick summer snooze. When out in the lot there grows a great cheer i sprang from the bed to grab a freshy beer away for the shakedown i flew like a flash cracked open a brew and smelled some faint hash the moon shone down on the fleshly laid out wares

as the cops walked by but clearly didn't care what when what to my bloodshot eyes did I hear. But a mini VW bus. With six noobs driving it down the street. In low gear. With a ginger for a driver. So tired and so afraid. I knew that that moment it must be Trey. Faster than llama his fanners they came. Fanners is spelled with a PH.

And he whistled and shouted. And called them by name. On on rutherford on mule and teela the spy on horse on guyute on all of you guys to the top of tahoe to the heart of nevada now dance away dance away dance away faster and unsold extras that before the dance party did fly when they meet with the ticketless hoping for the divided sky so up to the rooftop the fanners once again with a ph they flew with a vw bus full of jams and fish mic and page two and then just like that i heard on the roof the dancing and jumping of each member's foot as i put on my dance shoes and was twisting around down the chimney trey came with a mound trey was desk to the nines and mike

in purple pants page munched on a sandwich fish that's fish with an f simply dance the bundle jams trade flung on his back made him look like a traveler just opening his pack his eyes how they sparkled his gingerness so merry his cheeks were like roses are free his nose like jerry's his floppy head of hair and rounded glasses framed his face and his beard was as red as though he ran like an antelope to get this place the stump of mike's base was held tight in his hands it fucked my face with the smoke it was something quite grand page had a i have no idea what's going on page had a smiling face and a nice new shirt on his chest and when he left it was like he had just brought in the dude his absolute best fish with an f was chubby and stout like a hellborn child elf and i laughed when i saw him

and enjoyed myself a wink of his eye and a hi-hat intro and soon i realized i had to surrender to the flow they spoke not a word it was a silent vocal jam and filled all the hoodies with dry good merch hot damn and they touched their heads as the evening shocked their brain and they gave each a nod and up the chimney they went as they came i traced brang to the vw bus and to his team gave reba's whistle and away they all flew to towards the mountains in the mistly but i heard him explain as some green tea he poured merry fishmas to all and to all a good tour and we are on to the final section of the document document put together by cat examiner um fuck you very much cat examiner um you know uh please don't ever do

this again but i'm you know uh you know it's a thing i guess or something like that uh so this one's called uh shit redditors thought clever link to medium. Um, so, uh, this is from, uh, slash R slash cybersecurity. This one is twas the night before GDPR, uh, twas the night before GDPR went all through the world. Inboxes were filling as privacy notices swirled. The releases were set and many deployed in hopes that the GDPR gods would soon be overjoyed. I'm sorry, my shot glass fell over. I am getting increasingly drunk as the alcohol is hitting my system. This is not making this more tolerable.

The releases were set and many deployed in hopes that the gdpr gods would soon be overjoyed the compliance owners were nestled all anxious in their beds well come on guys this would be the fucking stakeholders not the compliance owners while visions of gdpr fines danced in their heads more rapid than eagles data breaches they came and we whistled and shouted and called them by name now target now equifax now yahoo now chase now ashley madison now home depot now even myspace how topical the 2008 to the right to erase your my data is personal hackers dash away dash away dash away all all al personal and dash away all that's the rhyme in it okay and though change is hard the timing is right chat pgdr pr day to all and to all a good night

um i really hope listening to this is not as torturous as recording this is, cause this is fucking awful. Um, um, oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. Oh, I just realized. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Coming down to the end. Now we have, uh, one more here. So, uh, um, this one is twas the night before tax miss pro provided by slash R slash the wonk. Jack Chick, take it away. Thanks, Jack Chick. Twas the night before tax miss went all through the House and Senate. Fuck. All the members were stirring in tax policy doused. The opening statements were drafted eloquently with care

in hopes the conference committee would soon be there. Hardworking Americans were all nestled snug in their beds while visions of bigger paychecks danced in their heads. Following 41 committee hearings, member listening sessions, and legislation passed, the time for tax reform is now public support amassed. The nation's capital on the breast of new-fallen snow gave the lustry of fresh start to friends and exaggerated foes then to our wondering eyes should appear a comprehensive tax overhaul by the end of the year and okay when there on the 1986 tax code there arose such a clatter many sprang from their desks to see what was the matter

away to their employers they flew like a flash hoping they'd soon go home with 1182 more dollars more in cash now brady now nunez now raskin noam and black on bishop on young on updom and shimkus and the senators the whole pack to hc5 to the conference committee meeting to the congressional hall now negotiate away not for one american but for all so tomorrow at 2 p.m on speaker on speaker.gov slash live tune in for the tax juts and jobs act conference meeting live streamed from within when we'll hear them explain exclaim the representatives and senators fighting this fight more jobs fairer taxes and bigger paychecks to all and to all a good night oh my god oh my god wait hold the fuck on this was

fucking written by paul ryan that's the fucking stinger holy shit oh my fucking god this was written by paul ryan or at least it is officially unofficially uh shared by paul ryan so this is that is an official paul ryan poem um so that's good uh i guess i gotta go to the the night before lift mess because i skipped it and i thought there was more in the dock uh there wasn't so um i missed it because i'm kind of drunk at this point all right so the tale of saint lift here we go um so this is the last thing in the dock uh you know so uh doing some follow-up finish up here um you know website is always thefpl.us uh i would do a what we what uh f plus what did we learn tonight's uh segment but i learned that uh

whiskey is good night before christmas poems are bad um bunny bread is playing grand theft auto 5 so that's exciting um and yeah let's uh let's do this tale of St. Lift and then I will turn this the fuck off so that you can have the rest of your life back. Uh, also, uh, uh, our forum is ball pit, B-A-L-L-P dot I-T. Oh, I'm supposed to say it's ball pit. Um, but yeah, so, you know, do that. Go there. It's fun.

The tale of St. Lift. Twas the night before liftness. When all through the gym, not a creature was lifting. Not even CrossFit Tim. The barbells were laid by the squat rack with care. That's not where the barbells go. In the hopes that St. Lift would soon be there, the children were knee covering all snug in their beds. While visions of whey jugs danced in their heads and mama in her

apostrophe leggings and i in my straps had just settled down for a long rest day's nap went out on the only platforms there arose such a clatter pardon me i sprang from the mat to see what was the matter away to the window i flew like a flash tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the plates of the bench down below gave the luster of midday fallen snow. When what to my wondering I should appear but a jacked up sleigh and eight big ass reindeer.

With a veiny massive driver so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Lift. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name now side now cutler now coleman and heath on farigno on arnold on kai and zize i have a bunch of stupid opinions about this but anyways to the top of the porch to the top of the wall now rep until failure rep until failure all don't fucking rep until failure unless you really know what you're fucking doing as drive-ins that before the wild pectorals fly when they meet with an obstacle they push to the

sky so up to the gym top the plates they flew with the plates stacked heavy and saint lift too and then in a twinkling i heard on the mats they prancing and pawing off off the prancing and pawing of each thick ass calf as i drew in my hand and was turning around down to the freeway saint lift came with a bound he was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot why wouldn't why wouldn't like why wouldn't you do that he was dressed in a muscle shirt i don't i don't okay a bundle of plates he had flung on his back and he yelled at me to stack up the rack his eyes dash dash how they twinkled his temples how merry his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cherry his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

but how he squats oh peril parallels spelled very wrong oh parallel or below the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth and the smoke and encircled his head like a wreath he had a broad broad face and a flat chiseled belly when When he strolled, I could see every one would be jelly. God fucking fuck. He was jacked and ripped, a right diesel old elf. And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had tomorrow to train legs.

Come on. Okay, I've got a few more lines. I'm almost done. I got this. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work and cranked out four sets of ten that holy clean and...

Oh, fuck. Okay. And laying his weight down a side of his toes and giving a nod up and down the up and out the gym he rose he sprang to his sleigh to his team gave a whistle and away they all flew like the down of a thistle but i heard him exclaim here he drove out of sight happy lift mr wall use good form all night. Okay, Cat Examiner, your doc is fucking fully dominated. I have done every single fucking thing in this doc.

The website as always, thefpl.us. Our forum is Ball Pit. Go buy some merch and bye. Bye.