The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Ep.541 Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 15, 2026

Bert Kreischer is back and talks how he met Tom Segura, his Netflix Special "Hey Big Boy", stories about Norm MacDonald, Bill Burr, Joe Rogan, Dane Cook, how DEATHSQUAD began, touring with Mark Normand, game changers in comedy, working out drunk and much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Not many men can withstand my punch. Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Gotta set a...

Got a set a hair on them. Black Belt and chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Mm. Kids got a piece on them.

Peace on them. Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the... On its studios in Pliya, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live.

No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter. Sounds better when you say, live. But we're not live. We don't do it live, right? And now it's the fighter and the kid live. Not live. This is not live.

It's not live. Okay. All right, let's start it. Great. Any of that shit. By the way, that would have been the hit podcast of the fucking year. The best. Bert sits down.

Oh, Bert. Are you corona free? I'm corona free. Yeah. I don't get me wrong. Every morning I wake up going, do I got it? Do I got it? Well, Brennan offered you 23-year-old whiskey.

I saved this for you. I told this company, I go, Makoto. I go, hey, Bert Kreisher's coming. They go, we're going to send you 10 bottles, $1,000 bottle. You're saying 10 bottles. I went perfect. Me and Bert will tear that thing up. Dude.

I sit down. I pour myself a little sippy sip. It's my birthday week. Not a big deal. My birthday week? Birthday week. Birthday's Wednesday. Wow.

Holy shit. Drinking problem. Alcohol problem. Anyways. So I pour myself a drink. Burr goes, nah, I'm not drinking. Yeah. The fuck's wrong with you, dude.

You're taking a week off of you? Is it so in October, bro? No, no. Dude, I'm off the road for like eight weeks now it looks like. So I'm fucking going to fucking lean up and get healthy as shit. I, I literally, here's the deal.

If I decided to go hard in this, this self-imposed state break, I would be fucking dead. Because I have, there's nothing to do. I would start drinking at four. I would drink until two in the morning. If I got to put some parameter on me,

because this is like, what is it, idle hands? The devil's playground. The devil's playground, yeah. So you, you can drink,

are you one of those guys? If I drink one glass of whiskey at, let's say, two in the afternoon, I'm done for the rest of the day. No workout. I'm not working out. I'm definitely not driving.

You can keep drinking though. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And feel good. And like for me I found, I've kind of found my parameters. If I drink, when I'm on the road doing tours, if I drink after my shows, I can drink until whenever bus leaves, go to the next day. If I don't drink during the day at all, I am 100% fucking perfect.

Right. But man, those mornings. drinking. Oh, that's a problem. It's a long day. And morning drinking, when we pulled in New Orleans, the day everything broke down. Last week. We flew in New Orleans, got the red eye, got it in an eight, hit Bourbon

Street, started having cocktails, took a meeting, about a movie, slide into a meeting, have more cocktails, everyone's out. We go back to the bus, crack another beer. I'm like, I'm going to go to bed. I get a call for my agent. He's like, hey, we're not sure about that. No, no, no. My, my tour My promoter comes in, says, hey, we should get on the phone and talk. Is that Live Nation or no? No.

Jobu. It's a different type of thing. All right. And so they, so we should get on the phone and talk. So all of a sudden, I'm like, about what? And they're like, you know. And I had had the week before I was at Constitution Hall. Constitution Hall is pretty big.

It's almost like 4,000 seats. I did two shows. On the first show, I didn't think anything of it. I really was like, I was like, dude, this coronavirus is bullshit. Second show I heard some people coughing. And way too early to be coronavirus, but I heard people coughing. I thought if that had been coronavirus, and there were no registered cases in DC at the time, but if it had been, I would have just spread it.

I would have been responsible. I walked off. I sat down with my guys, we poured a drink, and I was like, this shit's going to get serious very quickly. And then I sat down and they did the numbers of what, how many people I was doing this weekend? And they're like, if you get in front of this, then you know you're not responsible at all for this number of people getting. affected. If you get in front of this and then just cancel now, you're going to look like an asshole, but... My thing about this is like, I would like to know who exactly is telling, who are these virologists that are telling the fucking politicians? And I'd also like to know what

they're saying, yeah. All I keep hearing is that some authority figure goes, we're closing everything down. I'd like a little fucking explanation, because I'm still, I got a little touch of Eddie Bravo here. Me too, but these are steps. So they can't just quarantine everybody. it's shut down for two weeks because then the nation wouldn't be in complete kids. Right. So what you're seeing, it's steps. I understand.

We're all going to get quarantines shut down for two weeks. Yeah. This is where we won't be able to do this. Oh, they just, they just, what did they say yesterday? Yesterday, CDC says, uh, 50 plus. Today it's 10. 10. On the ride in, Trump just had a talk.

On the ride in, he said, keep it to groups of 10. Don't go to bars. That's a suggestion. It's a suggestion. They can't mandate it yet. But trust me, that suggestion is going to come down. Because what's happening is. Did you see the.

picture of everyone in Nashville going hard as fuck and the girl wrote Nashville undefeated and I felt like going it just takes one person yeah and it's everywhere well but you also like the symptoms take they say you know days or weeks to show up but also those people in Nashville those are young people okay yeah if you're young and you're yeah by young I mean under 60 under eight you're fine that's the thing I heard I heard but we we had a I don't mean to interrupt you no no no we had that group chat you Andrew Shaw me and Chris Delia, and I was at the airport waiting to get on me.

This is how fast this shit moves, waiting to do my show in New Orleans. Because we're texting everyone, and I talked to Live Nation. That's one in just. I go, dude, I'm headed to the airport. My brother's flying out there. My opener, my future. Are we good? He goes, we're good.

That's at 9 a.m. I drive to the airport. I'm at the airport. Bert's in New Orleans. I'm like, hey, you're doing your show. As of now, we'll see. And then we were like, dude, don't say anything yet. Let me do it.

but I'm going to cancel. So I go, I call Justin our agent. I go, dude, Bert just canceled. I know we're not doing however 70 million people that he's doing, but still, it's $1,500. So,500 is a legit group of people to bring into a group into one place. I was like, I don't want to be responsible for this. Are you sure we're good? And he goes, right, dude, talk to live names right now, you're good.

And then ticket sale, this is what's crazy, ticket sales went up. That's the other thing. They go, you're over the number. In Atlanta, you're sold out. The New Orleans, they come late, so it's over 1,000 now. And so I'm like, what? I'm on the plane. I go, are you sure we're good?

And I had this pit my stomach. Like, this doesn't seem right, man. Dude, that's the one thing that frees me out. We're literally, everyone's sitting down and board up. I went, ding. I got to, I panic, sweating. I got to get off. She goes, excuse me, I go, listen, I'm a stand-up comic.

I have shows in Atlanta, New Orleans. They're getting canceled, and I was just flying for that. You need to let me off. She was, let me talk to the pilot. You know, the doors are closed. Nope, they let pop off. You gave some young kid in my seat. Let pop off.

that's the weird part is and by the way this is real inside baseball but the promoter said just so you know um we had show we had two shows in huntsville and and he was like and we need we still had tickets available in the late show he's like they're still selling like hotcakes like there's like we're at 86% for the second show he's like we're at 96% we're gonna sell that out like no one's worried about this so if you want to do the show do the show I just saw You have a responsibility. Right? That's what I felt.

I'm like, dude, to your point, I don't mean interrupt. No. My thing was, is like, dude, my bros are going to come out. My 18 to 36 demo, they're going to come out because they know they're healthy and this ain't shit. My bros are going to come out. My fans are going to fucking come out. If somebody gets it there and it goes like that and then they go home and it goes like that, then I'm responsible. I'm like, I just can't.

This ain't good. Dude, take a sec. Next time you go into one of these theaters, look at the ushers and look how old they are. Oh, they're 100. All of them are. They're 100. Because I went into the theater that night and kind of looked around. I was really fucking deflated.

But then I looked at all the ushairs hanging out and I was like, oh, there's not one of them under 60. Okay, but here's my- When you cancel, that's when I text my, I go, dude, Bert just came. And by the way, I couldn't have been wrong. I can't still be very wrong. Explain to me why then. If we know that the statistics are, how many people, somebody's something in that? It's like.

50. Well, there's probably more now. I know, but they're all 80. Yeah, the minimum age of death is 80. Okay, so, so. So, so, so, so we don't know how many people have it. I understand. But I just feel like, and a lot of this is we're learning about this.

Yeah. But I don't understand why then the mandate is if you're an old person, stay inside. Is it because it's impossible to contain it and more, well, I guess it's impossible not to catch it when you're an old person? But if you're old person and just the normal flu is around, you're fucked. Right. Yesterday I go to the mall, right? Packed. Nobody gives the fuck.

I go to the mall. Nobody gives a fuck. Outside. So many people do not give them a fuck. Outside Nordstroms, outside Nordrums, the little table where there's that coffee, there's a table that probably sits 14 people. The knitting, old ladies and dudes knitting, they're probably all 80 to 90. Didn't give a fuck. I hope, look, I hope I am fucking so wrong.

I hope people in New Orleans go, I'm never going to come see you again because you did that and you overreacted. I hope that that's, no, but I hope I'm overreacting. I hope that I'm overreacting. That's what a doctor, a friend of mine said. He said the best case scenario is that we overreacted. But he's in UCLA and he said, call me up yesterday. He's my neighbor. And he said, listen, I'm not going to let my kids play with your kids only because I'm working with this all day now.

We're starting to see cases. And I think it's responsible for me too because the kids can carry it. And I said, that's fine. Well, hope for the best, expect the worst. But he sent me an article. He said, no, he said this, that we want to do this because it will be best case scenarios that we overreacted. That's a good thing. That's, that's me is overreact.

Like, like, my kids are... There you go. Yeah. I'm not going out, not going out for St. Patty's Day. So my demo's 0.4%. 20 to 39. That's my name. Point 4%.

Yeah, but that's also like worldwide and in China. Here's the other thing. There's so many, because the... Well, there's outliers in China because like 80% of the people smoke in China. But also China lies, right? Who knows what the fuck? How many people died there?

They cover shit up. But the other China, the worst. Anyways, but the other terrible food. Anyways, animals. But the other thing is, is they can't, only rich people can test for it. So only the rich are getting tested. There's so many more cases than we know of. But how many, we know how many people died.

50. Yeah. Maybe a little more. Let's say it's 100. But there's so many people with it. I thought I had it three weeks ago. Sure. Oh, dude, we went to the Rangers game.

In Texas or New York? In New York. We went to the next game of the Rangers game, right? So we're at the Rangers game and they're like, hey man, We want to throw you on the Jumbotron. We'd love for you to kill a beer. Well, they did it at the Knicks game. And they're like, can we have you kill a beer?

And I was like, yeah, of course. Rip my shirt off, kill a beer up on the Jumbotron. Madison Square Garden goes nuts, right? They don't even know who I am. I'm just some dude to rip this shirt off. Killed us beer. Hey, hey, big boys, streams. Say Patty's Day on Netflix.

Like, I'm all in it. Go to the name ranges game the next day. They're like, come up. They're like, yo, shirts coming off, kill a beer. And I have been like, I've been instructed not to take my shirt off. Well, who told you that? It's a long, Fuck this.

Long story. Oh, hell no. It's a long story that I will tell you guys off camera. Oh, hell no. Somebody we know? No. So I tell them, I go, I'm not taking my shirt off. And we're in a hockey match.

It's cold. I go, but I'll kill a beer. And they're like, great, we're coming to you. In three, I go, I don't have a beer. And they're like, get one. And so my buddy Dave goes, hey, everyone, pour some beer in here. So everyone around me.

Oh, well, that's not going on. I'm like, guys, there's a coronavirus going around. Like, maybe we shouldn't all be sharing beers? And then they go, we're coming to you. They passed me the beer. I chugged and I'm like, I just got coronavirus. You did a shoeie. Yeah, I did a New York shoey.

I did a New York shooey. And so I was, dude, in my brain, I start fucking, I wake up the next day. I go, oh, I'm getting it. I'm definitely getting it. But it's been now two weeks. I've never, I've never had a symptom and I don't have a cough. And I ran five miles this morning. Hell yeah.

But the thing is, is that this is why I pulled back drinking. You know, sometimes you ever listen to Rogan and you feel like he's talking to you? Like he'll be criticizing someone or something. And you're like, you're like, wait, is he talking about me? I know. He's talking to that Kronovot guy. And he's like, so who needs to be concerned? And he's like, the guy goes, you know, people with an unhealthy diet, people that are obese.

And Joe goes, people who drink a lot. And I'm going, is Joe talking about me? And he goes, and people who unhealthy diet don't really work out. they drink too much, they don't sleep enough. And I'm like, these are all things I've been texting with Joe, I'm not sleeping a lot. You work out all nuts. One time he said this on that, Rogan said this. He was talking to Ron White.

And I never talked to him about this, but it was just such a weird thing. He goes like this. He goes, yeah. I mean, acting is so different than stand-up, and it forces you to compromise yourself. Brian Callan, my good friend Brian Callan, you know, auditioning, auditioning. He said your name? He goes, auditioning ruined him. It just ruined him.

And I'm like, I'm like, huh. I'm like, what did he say? I'm like, what? He goes, it ruined him because he had to, like, please everybody when he's in the audition. So now he's got to please people to it. It just ruined him. I'm like, hey, bro. Or made him great.

Right. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean ruin me? I didn't know you look at me that way. It was so weird this fucking. And Rob White just kept talking about something else. I was like, can we back up? Anytime I hear drinks too much, doesn't work hard enough, has no discipline.

You have crazy discipline. No, but not the, like, I don't have Rogan discipline. I have, like, good discipline for a guy who's, like, a high-functioning alcoholic. Well, that's like Rogan one time when Nick Topalo. Nick Topala looked at Rogan. We were a young man. And he goes, he goes, look at him. Look at his forearms.

He's like a ball of hate. I go, yeah. He goes, he's a vainy ball of hate. I go, yeah. And he goes, hey, Joe, when you don't work out and before he could get that sentence out, Rogan goes, I've never not worked out. I've never not worked out. So your question is moot.

It was just a different. He's always been the most intense person. He smokes weed. You guys met him. You've known him since he's been a pot head. I knew him when he was 28, 27, 26. You have no idea. Did you go, did you ever open for him, Bert?

No, no. I wish I wanted to, I had an issue. I opened for someone and I had an issue about power. Who? Jay Moore. I mean, I just feel bad. I don't, I feel bad. I don't want to sound like I'm talking bad.

about the guy. Obviously our relationship kind of fell apart and we don't speak, but the issue was, it was sometimes it was uneven and it was it was more employee than friend, but we were friends and it would, it would shit, it would just be fucked up at times and it's ultimately what made us stop becoming friends. It's a big problem. It was and it was unhealthy. I remember so many times that I so many times I would say something thinking I was talking to my friend and then it would turn out I was talking to my boss and he would let me know. Hey, you're talking to your boss right now. Oh, no, that's not the way.

And I was like, and so, and I might, yeah, that's a problem. And by the way, it's a huge problem. It's, but it's also, like, Derek and Asandrik boast of my feature. He goes, you know why I always like fuck with you on tour no matter what you do. I go, because you treat me as a peer. He goes, I've opened for a ton of big names. And he goes, they don't treat me like that. They make me carry their bags.

What? Jay never made me carry his bag. Oh, yeah, I've heard of that. I've heard of that. I've heard of that. I've heard of that. I talked to Bobby Lee about it. I'm sorry.

That is so outrageous. I need to know who does that because I will... I mean, you carry my bags. What? What? Huh? What? What?

Where were you saying, Bert? It was, there was so many times where, and it wasn't all the time. It was just like, and it was never creatively. I think creatively, we saw each other's peers. It would just be in like weird fucking times. And so one time, Rogan said, he's like, why don't you come to the, why don't you come to the UFC, come to UFC? And you know, Rogan's playing theater.

How long goes this? It's got to be like eight years ago, nine years ago. And it was a while ago and I was like, and Tom's like, you should do it, man. I think Tom was like, I'm going. Because Tom used to open for him. Tom used to open for him too. So Joey. And I just decided not to because I didn't want, I liked Joe and I have so much respect for Joe.

And in a way, you know, I don't know how you guys feel, but I really look up to him in a lot of ways. I look up to him and I lean on him for advice about things. Before I make any decision, I text Joe Rogan, Brian Callan, and Todd Feldman. Yeah. I've, yeah. Those are the three horsemen for me. And so I never wanted to, I never wanted to look like an employee to him. I always wanted to be like a peer and a peer that at least I knew where I looked at him,

that he would always look at me at the same level. And so I'm sure he's always looked at me as like a little brother that he could help fix. But, but so yeah, I never, I never open for him. And whatever it is, I would kind of miss it. I heard these great stories. And one of the things he always said, he's like, you got to tour with people you like. And I didn't do that. I always wanted to work with the people in the local towns and meet people and help build the scene and help local comics get good spots.

And I did it up until I was selling out clubs, adding shows on Thursdays, $35 tickets. I was always letting local guys open for me. And then when I got the tour bus, I was like, all right, I'm going to bring just comics that I like. Your guys. Yeah. And I said, I feel really guilty. I remember saying this to them one time I go. I feel really guilty that I'm not helping the local comedy scene and letting guys do spots.

And Shane Torres goes, he's like, dog, you met me in Portland. I opened for you in Portland. Dave Williamson goes, I met you in Miami. And Jesus Trejo goes, I met you in Irvine. And I was like, oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. That's how I got you guys. I let you guys open.

I fucking, oh. You're doing it. Yeah. But the other thing is, is I was doing the same thing because when you're always doing sets at the comedy, like you fucking legends are there. Like, it's the pro ball of fucking comedy. So I don't, I didn't know where I fit in at. Because I'm always looking up on my older brother.

I consider you guys older brother. So I was always looking up to everybody. And so when I'd go on the road, I could kind of figure out where I was in the line, if that makes sense. I have a guy who, how long you do it? Eight years. Okay, cool, man. But you're not Burke Crash. You're not Brian Callan.

You're not Theo Vaughn, Chris DeLia, or Joey Diaz or Joe Rogan, Tom Seguera. So I could navigate where I'm at. So I did that for a year. And then I was like, but then sometimes the shows would be great. If it depends on what market, even Miami, there's monsters down. there if you're in DC there's monsters New York off the monsters oh bro I see don't know I see go certain markets and as Brian says it's a disaster I'm talking but it was training camp for me because I'd have to dig out of the biggest

hole because the person in front of me had puppets they had some gimmick where it wasn't stand up like how the what the fuck were you thinking bro I saw I saw I went on to that point hey oh real good you remember when we're doing is when I very first starting you and I were doing a casino and they go this guy's gonna go first he does magic and he also does jokes and you go not happening and I was like I don't give a fuck Brian I was not happening I go I go I go I go Brian I don't care dude I'm fine you go no it's not it's not having been you're a young comic this guy's been he goes how long you been working the guy goes 30 years goes nah this ain't happen the guy's like there with his I'm not that you come

up there with a fucking firework show he has a rabbit Brent he's got to follow you hey he has a rabbit rabbit like a bird he's like he's gonna release dog and Brian goes not happen I go dude who gives a fucking Brian goes let me talk to you goes dude you're just starting this guy's gonna do it through his tricks trust me his tricks he's gonna go out there he's gonna blow the roof off this fucking local place and then you have to fall it it ain't happening and I was like what now I'm like oh thank God for Brian so wait hold on you're ready for this you remember that guy that's I do opening for Louis CK in West Palm this is how long 15 years ago 15 years ago I'm opening for Louis CK it's Sunday night

and it's a dead fucking room I'm out at the bar and they got a book of hypnosis tricks, right? Where you go, okay, I want you to think of an animal. Think of a color. Think of a, and I'm doing it to the bar stop and it's working.

So I'm just fucking around on stage. And so I bring the book on stage with me and I do some comedy and then I do one of these things. I go with a book. I go. Okay. I want everyone to think of a number.

Oh my God. Think of a color. Think of a state. Think of a car. Now, think of an animal. Are you guys thinking about an elephant? And everyone's like, we're fucking thinking of elephants.

We're thinking of elephants. And I go, is that not crazy? My name's Berk. Put your hands together for your headliner. Louis Z-K. Louis gets on the stage. Goes, hand me the fucking book. I guess we're doing tricks tonight.

Oh, no. He's like, I guess we're not doing comedy. Oh, no. All right, everyone think of a color. Oh, no. I sat on stage, and I was like, I think I might have fucked up. Did he come backstage?

He's like, dude, what the fuck is? He's like, why would you bring a fucking book on stage? He goes, I had to do fucking five minutes of fucking mind tricks to get him with some jokes. One thing I don't do is recommend anybody who I haven't seen, and I have done that before, and it resulted in disaster. This one guy, strange cat, nice guy, but not a comic, and was kept saying, I wanted you stand up. I'm getting into it. Can you help me out?

I want to open up. You know the nice show. You know me. I'm nice guy. I'm nice guy. So I'm like, I say to my one buddy, I go, is he funny? He goes, he's funny, man. I mean, you know, he's funny.

I go, yeah, but comedy's a different thing. He goes, it makes me laugh, Fino Beard. I go, have you seen it performing? He goes, no, but I hear good things. I go. You're in. I go. I go.

I go, all right, I put him on. I put him on. And it's a local show, but it's like, there are comics. And then, you know, I'm going to. Well, I, I, I didn't. get there in time. I get there. Yeah. And my friends are looking at me like this. They're like, hey dude. I go what? He goes, what happened? What did? Who was that guy? I go what? Well, he showed up as an alien in an alien costume. In an alien costume with the long fingers right. I am from another planet.

Oh, I am. I am an alien and he was doing comedy like that dead silence and wouldn't get off the stage. for way too long and they were lighting him but didn't know lighting because he's not he's not a comic so he couldn't see it he doesn't know the light because he can't see it through the mesh eyes and I go and I said to him I go so alien I don't you dressed up like an alien but you didn't tell me he goes yeah dude they didn't really get it I you know whatever sometimes these people are too smart for them I'm like oh okay all right dude oh that's so fucking bad they were like you can't put an alien up they got you can't put an alien up on there I brought I brought the first time I brought someone this is one of my favorite stories to tell first time I brought

someone I bring Tom Sugara up to Sacramento now this is when Tom had hair and he used to comb it back and but you you've been doing comedy long than Tom so he gets up is by the way fat Tom no beard Tom like a button down like relaxed shirt Tom how many years do you've been comedy's time at this point He's, this is that Tom, this is that Tom, okay? This is that Tom. He used to comb his hair back. He'd comb it all the way back, right?

Guy's gotten a lot better. So he, he goes up. He has to do 30 minutes. 30? Yeah, yeah. Tom's maybe doing stand-up. I don't know, maybe like four years. I'm guessing five years.

And he goes up, and in Sacramento, it's a B club. It's called Last Unlimited. It was a tough crowd. You had really improv and do a little crowd work to get them with you. And Tom goes up with straight material. And it's straight, like, aggressive material and they are not having it and he is not getting a laugh really not because not funny is fucking not yeah he's doing four years a laugh not one laugh

joke stops they don't realize it stops starts a new joke they're now confused huh what's going on and he starts sweating are you in the back i'm in the back watching he's sweating and as he as he continues to sweat his hair starts flattening to his head right and it's thinning And at one point, there is one line of hair. There's one combed line of hair like this. And everyone is watching. There, no one's now hearing a joke. They're hearing that one line of hair and his joke bombs.

And the hair collapses. And the room goes, oh. He gets off soaking wet. And he goes, that didn't go good. No, it's like, I know. Oh, my God. I was like, maybe don't open. He had like this really.

aggressive rape joke I think I go maybe don't open with the rape joke and he's like you think dude he I've seen him bomb so fucking we we did we did we did uh we did one time we did we did we did Hawaii together right and they go be clean whatever you can this is this is this is fucking oh this is 13 years ago lana just had eyeless so 13 14 maybe 12 years ago 10 years ago so we do why uh the person we're supposed to go. We canceled the last minute. Tom's good friends with Russell Peters. He goes, let's see if we can get Russell. He's a big international act. They book Russell. It's me, Tom and Russell Peters. We're having a great time. We're doing fun things. We go to one of the shooting

things and the guy and Russell, we go, Russell, you want to go? And he goes, eh, I think I'm going to go shopping today. And we're like, okay, so Tom and I take the girls. And we go there. And the first thing the guy says is, we've got one rule here on Pearl Harbor. If it's brown and it moves, you shoot it. And we're a good thing we didn't invite Russell. Wow. So we go to do the show. I go up, I bomb. I bomb immediately, and I'm a little dirty. You open?

I open, because it was a rough show. So I go, I'll open it. Tom, I'll give you an easier spot. And then Russell will kill. And Tom's like, yeah. They go, whatever you do, don't make fun of Hawaii and don't bring up Pearl Harbor at war. And we're like, okay, sure, that's not in either of our acts. I go up and I eat it.

And Tom decides to pivot and goes up and he goes, hey man, it's beautiful here in Hawaii. They say, Island Life is slow. I didn't know they were talking about their metabolisms. Man, Hawaiians are fat. You know I was walking around the base today, and I got lost. Luckily, I ran into a bunch of Japanese guys. They really know the way around this base, huh? And now we can hear the fucking commander going,

what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? Tom gets off, the host of the night, the host of the night, then goes, put your hands together for Russell Peters. We realize we're sitting with 12,000 people who have been taught if it's brown and it moves, shoot it. And Tom looks at me, he goes, I hope he doesn't move around with a lot.

You, we bombed so hard. Oh, fuck. And that's, I miss, you know, those hurt. They hurt so bad. Yeah, they do. The breakfast next morning, we went to the beach, and we were like, I was like, how are you feeling? He's like, not good, man.

Like, we'll never do this gig again. But the fucking, to giggle about it now is like the greatest fucking feeling. I, fuck. I'm closer. Did you guys go through it? It's like a fight. The reason me, Tom and Christina and Leanne, my wife are so close is that. we sat at the beach the next day, getting drunk,

and am just commiserating about how bad it was. You and Tom met where? We met. I was opening for Jay Moore, and we were Brea, and he was in the day. How long, Gilbert? This is my, this is, it's got, before I had kids, so 16 years, 16 years, maybe 17 years?

I walk in, Tom's watching the FSU game. Jay wasn't having a good day. Tom was watching the... Meeting. It just wasn't having a good day. All right. And so Tom's watching the FSU game. I went to FSU.

I walk in and I go, hey man, FSU and he goes, yeah, you fan? And I said, I went to FSU and he goes, it's my favorite team. I go, hey, I'm Burt. And he goes, I'm Tom. Jay walks in and he goes, the fuck are you guys watching? And Tom goes, the FSU game.

I got $100 on it. And Jay looks at me, goes, you're the host. You make $50 a night and you're a hundred dollars in this fucking game? Because you're a fucking idiot and walks out. I look at Tom, I go, hey, welcome to the tour. and we've been best friends ever seen

I love it I don't get why you and Tom don't tour together It's good Like why not do two bears One cave where the fuck it is Why not do a tour like that Like that would sell like a You guys are both two the biggest comics in the world

That would sell like fucking hotcakes I think ultimately Honestly I mean not to like Show how the sausages made No no no not money at all Oh really? He's repped by And I'm reped by

And neither of our agents want to do this business with each other. Fuck then. I know, but it becomes super complicated because, I mean, even just like, even like, like, I hate that shit. It's, I hate that shit. It's why Justin, when Justin started, very wisely, he started. Yeah, he started gathering all the, all the like the Desquod comics. And it was such a brilliant move. And I don't think everyone looked at it that way. And that's why I always respect Justin. Justin's smartest. Yeah, and he had all these guys and he was like, he could easily do a fucking tour put together. When you guys did the fucking, like, when you guys did the fucking, thing in Arizona. You know what we're doing in June, Chicago Theater, Brian, Bobby Lee, Santino, and me. We're doing three big cities. Yep. That's going to be so much fun.

You have no idea. To me, like everyone makes money. You know, it's always about money. I don't give a fuck about anything of that. How fun would it be if you, Tom, Delea, Rogan, Brian, me, I'll host that motherfucker. There's no ego for me. I don't give a fly.

I'm the newcomer. I'll host it. I don't care. If I make money, I would pay you. murder you'll do 20 minutes and you'll fucking you could go back to that same market a week later correct but the thing is again you're with your agent I'm with it my agent Brian's weird same agent but it's it's like boxing these promoters get in it and it prevents greatness from happening it really I don't get it

because because we have the control if I if I call my agent and I went hey man I want to do Bert Tom Delea Brian Santino and Delea and he's like dude the only problem really want to work with them. I'd be like, fuck you. But the only problem is everybody has different draws. So then the money gets split up differently, right? That's the problem. Hold on. This is my thing with all that, doing one of those like white-collar comedy tours,

which, uh, you know, which they did back in the day with Ron White and fucking, uh, all the boys. You got to put money to the side and realize it's bigger than that. Yeah. You know, like it's bigger than that. I have a predict. I have a prediction that what's going to happen. We know what's going on with this thing. We're all pulling down dates for right now 30 days and then wait to see where we're at.

Schedule. And we all, and all of us have big fall tours planned. I mean, everyone's got a big, false schedule. I can't cancel my Europe tour. I think, I, by the way, I have an Asian tour. I still haven't canceled. Well, that's not a good there.

Possibly doing it over there. Yeah. Who knows? One step ahead. Who knows? What would be cool? I don't know if, and this would never happen, but what would be cool is a huge arena tour at a, at a, at a comparable ticket price,

meaning not, you know, letting the economy get back on its feet for a season and giving people are going to want to go out. And I think if we could come together and find like a great lineup that it doesn't have to be all of us at once, it can just be people in different cities that can do different cities. You have these 10 guys and you don't know what city, but you get four of it. I had the calling sick to work show. This was the greatest fucking show. I planned.

At the comedy store? Yeah, so those you don't know, I planned. I talked to both you guys. You guys are both on it. I planned a calling sick to work show. Probably bad branding with the coronavirus going around, but maybe I want to rethink the branding. I used to do it on the road all the time. It was awesome.

I would go into a city. I do radio at 8 a.m. I'd drink all morning. At 10 a.m. I'd hop out. I'd go straight to the club. Bars, doors would open at 9. Show up at 11.

Do a show. It was the most fun. And then you get done. And then everyone day drinks. And it's the funnest shows I've ever done in my life. I'm so into it. So we just set up with a store, released tickets a week out. It's sold out immediately.

No one even knew the lineup. The lineup was fucking insane. Burr, Jim Jeffries, you two, Sebastian Manuscalco, Joe Koi, Tom Segura, Norm McDonald. Nor McDonald's still texting me going, bro, are we still doing this show? I mean, it was, and that's by the way,

Whitney Cummings, Chris Talia. It was this most insane fucking lineup. And that in my head, I get excited to be on those shows because you look at it and you go, as a ticket holder you gotta see that and go what kind of show do I get to see today

exactly like not only will I see like Delia come out and fuck with Brian on stage or or but I'll see Norm MacDonald come out and fucking did you see his coronavirus set it's going viral no it's a bad once again bad branding but he's going viral it's he's but it's

I mean it would have been so epic and then it just you know it did I had so much you know I have a marketing brain, like promo brain. And I'm promoting this special Hey, big boy, streaming right now on Netflix. But like I had so many plans of

like how to get in front of this and really allow people to find it. Yeah, this is it. It gets real dark. He calls it, uh, he calls it. Can we watch it? How long is it? Is it 15 minutes? It's like, no, it's like five minutes. Oh, let me see it. I love more. I was going to talk about

the coronavirus. But on the way here, I got really ill. He's the best, dude. I love him. But I knew it was because I ate a cherry pie. Like, I got a cherry pie from Bristol Farms. And I ate it, and then the car was going weird.

And I was like, oh. And then he turned on the radio, Jeremy. And then all the fucking news was like... Go towards the end. There's a joke that he has about... Remember when we didn't know how we were going to die? Right here? You know how to live like that, right?

We got our fucking magic phone. and computers and everything. You don't need no fucking people. It was the last step between us and happiness anyway where people get the TV and shit. Fucking more interesting people

than anybody I know. Listen to fucking first take and spend my last moments on earth with Max killer. He's just... He's just... God damn.

I can't think it's the baby max of in this fucking cocaine. I think we might have I think we might have missed it He's such a savage He's just yeah it's I don't want to Like everyone should go find it It's so

He's just so good man He came backstage at the store one time And it was like me I was like me Rogan Burr It was just a bunch of people They all would command attention If they were the person in the back

And he showed up And everyone shut the fuck up I mean like everyone Joe takes him off a vape pen. I think Norm's sober. And Norm's like, hey, Joe, what's got there, Joe? And he's like, oh, it's a vape pen.

He goes, hey, mine. I was like, well, it's marijuana. Norm, he goes, ah. Jesus Christ. Joe goes, hey, that's really strong stuff, Norm. And he says, he puts it down, he goes,

ever tell you a story about Bill Clinton? And I'm just like, what the fuck? Yeah. Dude, he's just the best. He's, he has jokes. I've told jokes of his on, He has the best jokes, just the best jokes. I put it, no lie, in this special.

I called Stanhope one time. I don't like to try to set up a joke that I tell him this, but I won't tell you what joke it is. But like I had a joke in this special that was, this current one right now that was Hey Big Boy, which was like my white whale. I called Stanhope one morning. I go, hey, what are you doing?

He goes, I'm drinking vodka and a grapefruit juice. I'm just trying to think of goofs. And I went, I go, what do you mean, goofs? He goes, I don't know. He's like, I don't know. I'm trying to write a knock, knock joke. And I go, really? He goes, yeah, I mean, we're as funny as those guys were, right?

Like, we're great comics. We got to be able to write knock, knock jokes. And we started talking, and we ended up talking about Norm MacDonald. And he thinks Norm MacDonald punked him one time. Because Norm MacDonald gave him a shout-out, and he never met Norm MacDonald. And so then I get into a Norm MacDonald rabbit hole. And Norm has this joke. I've told it before, I won't tell again, about meeting his neighbor.

All jokes, Norm's jokes were like old school joke. He could, he could write an old school joke. And I got obsessed with an, with, come, I was like, I can do, I can do what I can do. I'm going to do what I do for every special on this special. Again, hear stories about my kids, my wife, me being a bad dad, a fucking, everything is going to, all the stuff. Sex joke, blow job joke, shit joke, everything, all the shit I do. And I, but I was like, I want to, I want to write a joke. If another comic hears it, they're going to go,

oh shit, that's that guy walks into a bar. And I did it. And I was just, you know, you write a joke. Is it on the special? Yeah, it's on the special. You know when you write a joke and you're like, Can you shout out to us? You can't know.

You can't. Hey, you've been doing press, right? Is there anything worse? No press. Coronavirus, man. Shut down everything. Oh, there you go. I was supposed to a big press tour out in New York here and everyone's no studio audience,

no guests. Is there anything worse than you? Tell us a little bit. What can we expect in this special? Oh, yeah. Yeah. What? I mean, especially if they don't know who you are. Yeah, you're like, how much is that work? How much this press? When you do, this works, this works more. Anyone who likes this, like Spurt. Yeah. Anyone who's going to like what I do is listening to this. Yeah. And I think it's, what is your press tour? Who are you going to do? I want to know. And how much, I don't think it made any difference at all in my.

It does. If you do bar stool, which is our demo, our guys I can. You do bar stool. You do bar stool. Yeah, I did that. There's, you know. Pat McAfee's a big one. Well, Pat McAfee's the biggest. Pat McAfee's like, I didn't know that. I wish somebody had told me that. Bro.

He asked me to do it in, that's my good friend. You're a good friend too. Real good friend's, Pat. Yeah, I love Pat. Yeah, I love that. Anytime I have anything, I text back. Huge.

Huge. Way big of us, dude. Way bringing the three of us. In football, he's like, he's the voice. It's straight sports. He texted me the other day and he goes, he goes, so our sport chatter is going to be a little low. Any interest in flying out to Indiana this week?

I would have done it. Fuck, yeah. You should do it. I'd go hang with him. Have you, you've been to a set, right? Yeah. So it's in Indy,

and he has, it's in, it's in downtown. It's like a Rogan compound. It's a Rogan compound, but it's in downtown Indy. He opens up the garage. He walks in,

and it's like studio, basketball court, uh, fucking podcast bang, where he shoots his show, upstairs merch. Like, he just figured it out.

He was the guy who was on barstool. He played professional football. He's a punter, pro baller. Not a big deal. Pro baller plays with fucking, you know, the best guys in the world as far as he'll golf and do that. He has the best. Everyone loves them.

So the biggest names in the NFL go on a show. They talk to him first. He's an amazing commentator. Amazing. So he does college football for ESPN. He's on, he'll go on first take, he'll go on wake up in the morning or where the fuck it is. He does all of it. He's the best.

And he used to be a hardcore partier. Now he just smokes weed and just. He did the announcement. announcement. Did you see that for the Pelicans? For the pelicans. And like, I mean, change the game. He's, he's an interesting guy. He's a real funny. I think a lot of those punters are funny, interesting. Look at him in that outfit. Oh my God. Oh, and he's like, I'm telling me, man. That's him at WrestleMania. He's super silly. You would love him. He would love it. He's one of my favorite people. I didn't know who he was. Somebody said,

when I got to Indiana, they said, Pat McAfee wanted you to do a show and I go, I don't know who that is. I don't know why you don't know why you don't talk to me. I was like, you know how it is. Everybody wants me to do it. I know. podcast. So I'm like, I'm not doing a podcast in Indiana. I got, I just got here and I got a bunch of other shit to do. And then you told me that he's an amazing guy. And I'm like, well, I'm fucking, even though he was, like, he's, dude, they didn't say anything. They said Pat McAfee. I go, okay. He's so talented. He's so talented. He really is. He's so fucking talented. I told him one time. I was like, pretty confident that with very minimal training, I could be a competitive field goal kicker

in the NFL. Oh, no. And he fucking lost it. And then Burr caught wind of it. Was he a field goal Okay, or just a punter. Punter. Punter, but he can get field goals too. Pro baller, though. It's about explosivity. Explain to me what a punter, what makes a good punter and what the responsibility is. Explosivity.

The punters, you know, they can control, you know. Where the ball goes. Yes. Distance, height, also height, so you don't want to. Pick up, strangely. You guys can get down there and get the back. Pat McAfee kicks soccer ball 125 miles. Pat Mackey kicks soccer ball and it should come up.

He was a freak. Really? Yeah. Big kid. That's good. Yeah. Just see what this is. This one,

World's past a shot. Yeah. Uh, no that, no. He kicked, yeah, watch this. Yeah, that's it. He kicks a soccer ball 124 miles per hour. And by the way, he did this. He's a competitor.

You also light up guys. You've seen him, his, his highlights of, Jesus. You've seen the highlights of him hitting guys in the NFL? Oh, yeah. Bring up that chin. He put helmets on people. He was like a Japanese fucking pilot in World War II

He fucking He's got explosive power Explosivity Kickers do Yeah That's the one thing he told me He said you know what the difference Between me and you is

And I said no what And he goes Explosivity Yeah He goes I have That's why I think Joe could Be a legit field goal kicker He uh

We play basketball And he's fucking good man This is by the way This is a Place kicker Field goal kicker Punter That's and look at the way

He also did some field goal kicks. Yeah, yeah. Look at him. Putter, though. Boom. Dude. It's him lighting this dude up. The bestor is onside kicks.

Watch this, be. Right? He's about to take it to the house. Usually the kick is the last thing we're about. Boom. Job, Pat. Look at him. Look at him.

Look at him. Look at him. Dying piece, girl. Oh, yeah. Guys like that. Alpha guys like that, they get who they want. Come on. Punters usually don't.

Yeah, but a guy on the guy. Hey, hey. All right, see this, watch this. Nope. Helmut to helmet. Hey, look at me. Mm-mm. Ponders don't. They're lucky they even get food on the plane.

Okay, but he's different. Hey, punters don't. Really? Nope. Dude, look at him. One time our field goal kick around, see you missed the game winning field goal.

You know what happened to him? Always sat on the back of the plane and you get fed that day. Yeah. They don't go through the same shit we go through. Now, Pat's different. He's different. Because he's Pat.

Watch this. Watch this. Watch this. Look at this. that's him laying out that guy still scored but still the um

it's not a great highlight like hey here's a good block it's a good block I think punter has got to be the funnest job because there's it is usually it's the gayest

but it's super important yeah he he was not scared to but here's the thing be he's he's cut from the same cloth but he was a really good punter he's a he's had it so he does stand up that's he used to

he did He really, his very first time, he's so stupid, his very first time. Look at him, look at him walking like Conner McGregor. His very first time doing stand-up, well, he shot a special in front of 3,000 people. He did his huge following. All right, yeah. He goes, I have a special, Brian, I go, what? He was, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is his first time doing stand-up. He goes, I released it on the, on the YouTube. And you know what? It's not bad, because all it is, it's locker room jokes. Sure. It's just his locker room expands. It's, there's a lot of guys, I think. Here he's throwing a ball.

Here he was fucking quarterback in for a touchdown. But you gotta really, there's, there's, a lot of guys. I would have been that guy but selling boats. There's a lot of guys in the NFL in college. Look at this field onside kids. You're in the locker rooms. You got to realize it's all roasting. It's roasting. I noticed that. So football players, I noticed,

more than any other fucking athlete, are the most socially adept and also the funniest. Because they're always around each other. It's a team sport. They're always fucking with each other. So the football players I know. You bond. Exactly. But they also have high social intelligence. Great senses of humor. Totally can fuck with you.

And then you see that. They make fun of themselves. Yeah, but they're, yeah. Like Mark Hitz-Sanchez, funny dude, just fucking around. Mark's the best. All these guys, yeah. Anytime you meet these guys, you know Matt Barnes. Matt Barnes. Mark Sanchez is gorgeous.

He's diabetes. He is, you know what? He's pretty funny. Is he really? Yeah. I did Good Morning America with him one time. It's little things. Like I was like saying, he was teaching me how to throw and I, and I, and I'm like,

and he goes, he goes, that's a good release actually. It's good. I go, no, I'm a very good athlete. He goes, take it easy now. Take it easy. And he just kind of, it's little details like that. you go, you understand the language. You get the language.

Mark was one of the first times where Mark's a good buddy. I wonder if he cares if I tell the story. But Mark was going to go. We were fucking this girl together. Girls don't like him, right? That's not attractive. Well, Eva Longoria, he dated forever.

And then any girl you bring is going to like him. That's right. Well, I learned that. You learn at the Harvard. So he has this place in Dana Point, right? And he goes, dude, I have this party. Come over it. First time I ever did Molly.

I go over there. They take everybody's cell phone. I go, dude, I'm like you. my cell phone. He was, you got to get this one where you get and he's like, dude, you're my boy, but you got to give your cell phone up. I'm like, all right, I get there. Well, when I say, the most gorgeous people I've ever seen in my life.

I'm like, what are we doing? Yeah, take my cell phone. Yeah. I don't like, yeah. Hey, take my wife too. Can she put her in a bag? Dude. Yeah, let her. Well, he's like, oh, we want to. Well, he want to, He wants a high. Look at this. He won a Hizman at S. That doesn't even look real. Yeah. And by the way, and a great guy and a funny guy, intelligent guy. So there you go. And the cutest kid you've ever in the world. Sure. The cutest kid is. Sure. And super athletic for three. Sure. He's got it all.

Jesus. Some people have it all, guys. Yeah, it's funny. Now, I'm in a bad mood. You know what's crazy is that this, okay, this is going to sound somewhat egotistical. But like, we look at him and we go, he's got it all, right? He's gorgeous. There's a guy probably in Ohio going, man, Bert's got it all. And then you look at me. You're like, man, you got to shoot higher. Sure. Oh, would you care? My wife just lost a bunch of weight. Now, I'd like to wear a very tight green sweater like that.

Some probably over of GQ. Somehow, I don't think I'd. I don't know if that would. I should do that. I should wear that with a football. You're skinny enough, though, where it's not going to look back. I look like an asshole. Yeah, but you're skinny enough.

Your face would. That looks like a St. Paddy's Day look. Yeah, it does. Dude, St. Patties. See ya. My birthday week. See ya. No, St.

It's canceled. Yeah, hey, everything's canceled. They were a parade. Go. Not happening. Hey, guys. If you're looking for something to do this St. Patty's Day, spend it with me. Hey, Big Boy, on Netflix.

Have a beer every time I touch my face. I'm gonna watch it tonight. I probably touch my face. Where did you? Cleveland and the Agora. Oh, I fucking love Cleveland. Cleveland's fucking great. Went in and I did Rover another great radio show.

Oh, Rover's great. Rover's good. Rover's awesome. You told me to do Rover. People warned me about Rover. They're like, he'd be a little nasty. No. He was fantastic.

His whole group of dudes. All them were great. They're all fucking great. They're all fucking fantastic. And he did his homework. Yeah. So like his question, and I got down. Oh, do some of the best radio I've ever done.

He goes, yeah, man. So when I got, by the way, by the way, Brendan, this in this trailer, just to be fair, play it just skinny. Don't play the sound. One of my jokes that it was put in here got memed fucking like that. A joke about my wife. I wanted to have sex with her, but she was sick.

And she was like, I don't want to get you sick. I was like, we'll practice safe sex. Yeah. She's like, you're going to wear a condom. I was like, no, doggy style. So you cough into the wall. This is the skinniest I've been in my adult life. Why did you so skinny just for the special audio?

Look at this. No, you don't need to play audio. I don't give you shit. You do the whole special with your shirt off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But look at this. That's the skinniest type in my life.

Is that sad? I felt fucking ripped. I felt ripped. You felt ripped. I felt fucking ripped. Isn't it great when you feel like that? Here, turn up the audio. You can hear the, you can hear this is the joke that got meme.

They don't make regular porn. I go, what's regular porn? This is like the stuff we do. I go, you mean a blooper's real? No. Here. She won't even fuck me if I'm sick. I will definitely have sex with her.

When she's sick. She's like, I don't want to get you sick. I was like, we'll practice safe sex. She's like, you are going to wear a condom. I was like, no. Doggy style, so you cough into the wall. There you go. You got a cold woman, not AIDS.

Spin around, Doc Holiday. Let's hit this longer. By the way, do you watch, when do you watch your own specials, I just saw myself ghost biting? Like, you ever give someone a sandwich you make? them and then they go to take a bite and you go I just when I watch my special I start doing the act I just started doing that I've never done that with a sandwich but that says a lot about how your relationship with food do that again oh I do

too you want to know one worse he does that with pie he sees pie he goes out I'm not really that that pie's nice I do that with kissing scenes I was watching a movie called name of the rose with my dad when I was probably 10 years old and they start making out and I'm sitting next to my dad and I just start ghost making out like well porn almost be exhausting dude i saw i was just telling someone this other day i saw roco and savann racco and savannes and savannah sampson have ever seen that one where it is the most aggressive savannah samson fucking blow job oh really and i said to i said i said i was telling tom i said halfway through it i found myself swallowing a lot like just going and then and then when he goes all right

let's time to fuck i both me and her looked at each other and in the eyes she's in the porn and i'm here i'm going We haven't even fucked yet. God, she's a dime. She's a fucking... I knew her a little bit. Oh, yeah? Did you take her for a spin? Test drive?

I did not. But I did not. But I did know her. And he was, I think, broke her in. The legend is... Yes. He broke her in. Yes.

And they did... I just told Tom this other day. They did the crazy face fucking, you know. Oh, yeah. And he goes like this. And I guess then she... Broke her into the biz. He did some stuff.

No, keep going. It's aggressive, broke. After he came, after he came, he just went, he went, good, now you are in porn. Oh, wow. Now, Savannah is actually somebody who I found to be not only quite normal and put together, but also she had like a real estate business. She was a lot of... A vineyard?

Yeah, vineyard. She had a fucking vineyard. She's a businesswoman. She had a wine, yeah. My bus driver, Ron, is pitching to me. Okay? It's like, all right. Now, he's a black dude.

He's like, all right. here's the deal okay one of your promos you get christie mack out here and you short of porn with me fucking christie mack and i was like okay i was not gonna benefit me as a promo and he goes oh just like what a good guy you are that you paid her salary to fuck me and i was like i don't think that's how it works right i don't think we just fly her out he's like you got to ask you got to ask dog shoot or shoot hey do you uh is your starbucks bit on this special that's the one i was talking about yeah that's the one i love that's my favorite joke seen it oh dude so at the comedy store and

dude it's like the best it's the best bit that I've ever done in my life it's better than the machine in my opinion it's like I'm like in love with this bit and by the way I it's so funny because I took it and I not to like get way too inside baseball but I wanted it to be early I'm a big fan of Dave Chappelle's kicker in the pussy joke and more importantly I'm a fan of where he placed that joke because he just got me

early he got me early he got me early That's what you have to do, right? Because Netflix, I spoke with them. They were saying at 28 minutes, people shut off. So a lot of people save all their best shit at the end. You should put it at the front. Most of your shit should be at the front. So you captivate the audience because no matter who you are, Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr,

Burt Crasher, Tom Segura, Chris DeLia. They're going to stop after 28 minutes. So they're going to get your vibe in the first 28. Delia told me that when I did Secret Time. I had it stressed out. I had this zip-lining joke that I was closing with it. Fucking murdered. It murdered so hard.

Fucking went and down, spread him. I say, that's the close. It's the closing line. It's the perfect way to close a special. I have it to fucking, I started at like 45 minutes, goes and it leads into, breaks out the hour. And I'm sitting backstage at the store and Delia is sitting there. He's with Eliza and he's like, he's like, hey, congrats on the Netflix special. I was like, oh, thanks.

He was just giving you heads up. They're not watching past 30 minutes. So if you got a joke you like, I put it up front. That just, it wasn't Chris going, hey, here's all the algorithm. It was just Chris saying, Hey, I had a closer that no one ever heard. He was a very important. Yeah.

Chris talks about it where people from one of his specials on there, I forget. Not man, I'm like, another one. He goes, I saved all my shit at the end. He goes people a reference to the beginning. Like, it was good, man. But he's like, oh, you didn't, you didn't get to the meat. I heard him say that to me. I took all my fucking, that secret time.

And I put anything that got a big laugh went in that first 30. All of it. I jammed everything. And I, I mean, even chopped bits up. And I was like, fuck it. And my closer started at like 22 minutes. Smart. And I was like...

But why not do 30? Why not do 30? I do it. I'll tell you right now. Why not? Because you know why I do... When you're on the road and you're doing an hour... No, no, no, no, road's different.

No, no, no, road's different. But I'm saying you could do... Let's say... Highlight real. Let's say Bert just did 30 of complete fucking savagery work. Yeah. Then you have another 30 you go on tour with and you build off that. 100%.

I mean, I mean, that would be an interesting proposition. I don't know if they're going to give you $20 million dollars do 30 minutes though. So like, and that's what you want. No, no, no. But that's what Chappelle gets. So then this one I said, I was like, all right. So I'm going to take what murders throw it up front.

But then I was like, I was having a hard time following that Starbucks bit because it was just getting a, just a huge applause. And so then, but what was cool. And I would say this every comment is take that, take your closer. Throw it up. Dep what that is your first joke. And you will watch that the rest of your shit learns how to step its game up. You just start going like, you start seeing weak.

and everything real quick. Director said it too, like Quentin Tarantino said that the Christopher Walken scene with Dennis Hopper in True Romance. It's the best scenes ever written. It's the perfect scene. And I think it's the greatest scene in motion picture. Oh, it's so fucking good. You know the scene I'm talking about? Where Christopher Walkin is

is mafia guy. Yes. You know what? I'll take that cigarette. And he said, yeah, and he said that that scene was unfortunately placed. I couldn't follow it. Yeah. You can't follow certain. But I heard Louis C.K. say this. before uh he says if you're a young comic and i always took the start he goes put your best

shit at the front and everything else is going to catch up because you're going to work on that bro i got so take whatever if you're not a polished comic take your best joke that usually saved for your closer put at the front and the rest of your shit's going to catch up i dude i got i got to that i got to the point where i was like i was going through the set and going like god damn i'm stuff that you used to kill like i have this bit about having a buying a gun and i there was a part of it they just murdered and I was like fucking get rid of it like it I I got I because you needed that front part to be so good yeah you're like fucking let's trim the fat let's start with a brand new joke let's and and that I'm that it's a cool way of

doing comedy doing that is so good man you don't realize how much fat there is even as you what special is this for you this is my fourth my fourth I did uh comfortably done with Comedy Central in 2009 I did the machine which no one saw on on showtime, but I had the machine story in it and it went viral. And then because of that, I did Secret Time. Then they bought the machine. The machine's on Netflix. Secret Time's on Netflix.

And then, hey, Big Boy will be my fourth. And then I gotta be honestly, do you know what I think would be cool? I don't know if this is gonna be possible. But I would love to like transition to what I'm doing into a sitcom at some point. Like maybe like I'll do one more special. Careful. And then all the stuff that you write put it in a sitcom and just live in L.A., fucking do the road.

Don't tour his aggressive. I'm up touring fucking aggressive. That's awesome. You'll be working up. You'll be able to do both. Yeah, he'll be up at 5.30 in the morning and you'll work 12 hours and then you won't do stand up.

Especially a producer. You'll take nine off. Best case scenario? You want the best case scenario? You'll take nine months off. And you'll have a week off every three weeks and you'll have a week off. Now you want to go on your podcast.

Never mind. You'll be late all the time. I'm out. I love when people say this because they have no idea. I have no idea. I think I just showed up on Friday. Oh, and by the way. Add to that, add to that.

You like these. Great kicks. Not bad, right? Really good. They got a boxing vibe with the heel of our team. Keep, keep, keep this in mind. I want you to do your, I want you to do your TV show. I want you to drive.

Now, where do you live? Great. I know exactly where you live. Now, let's just say it shoots, God help you if it should stand in Manhattan Beach or down in Culver City. Oh, sure. Sure. A lot of those studios.

No. No. Yes. What's in Manhattan? Yes. CSI. Any of those one hours, a lot of them. But it doesn't matter. Listen, it could be in Valent.

either way, you enjoy that because that's going to be a good drive. Now, I'm needing to wake up at, I know, I know, 445 needs to get up. I need you out the door at 515. Now listen up. You also have to do your podcast and keep writing your stand-up. But as other people are the writers, the show be. Huh? It's his show. Oh, oh, you wanted to be a writer on it. This is even better. I'll tell you what, Byrd, we'll see you never, we'll see it never until the show goes away. That's what happened. Fuck that shit.

Not nine months because he's writing. He's got to come up with the other episodes for the next season. Take five years off your stand-up and we'll all get way better. And then come back. And then come back. Come back. Didn't school get canceled? Well, so school didn't get canceled, but we didn't shoot the final episode.

We shot 21 episodes. We are not shooting the 22nd episode because of the coronavirus. You want some shit down? But listen, you know, and I love my cast. I love my show. I have a great time. I'm not in any way saying this. I'm saying people don't realize how much work it is.

He asked him. Then I got to come do the, the fucking podcast, and I'm late. Late every day. I can't make it. It's so stressful. And then I'm trying to stand up at night. Never mind. I like what I'm doing right now.

Dude, I'm in the sweet zone right now. Well, remember when you're doing the travel channel shit? Oh, fuck. Do that, Bert. When you have the kind of, if you're able to make the kind of money you're making and do what you're doing as a comic, I don't think there's any better job in the world. None. It's the greatest thing in the world.

So just know. that if it ain't broke, don't fit. You know what's funny is our mutual friend, um, our mutual friend goes, uh, he was, I was on,

uh, Mark Norman, goes, he goes, dude, I was on the road with Bert. He goes, I had to leave after three weeks.

He was like, he goes, I literally had to go home. I go, because they, they were talking about who'd be the funnish to go on the road with. And I go, I feel like Bert,

right, me and Bert get along. I feel like, he'd be great. He goes, dude, yeah, I think he said two weeks.

Two weeks. Two weeks. And you're, He was like to go home. He was one of the funniest humans to be with. Because I run on a fast clip. I don't realize it a lot of times. Like the way my brain operates, it's very like,

I don't know if it's like panic inducing, but like I'll get up a workout and then, like I work out every morning usually. I work out every day on the road. Because I just, if I don't, I feel like I don't get the toxins out. And I feel like I'm fucked up. Yeah.

I feel cloudy. And so. You do it every day, right? Oh yeah. I barely worked out with Mark, which meant there was a lot of day drinking involved, because we were flying a lot. And we get to the airport, and I'd be like, I'd be like, I'd just grab us both a beer. And he'd be like, oh, are we back at it? And I'm like, come on, Mark.

Dude, I love that getting someone, egging someone into getting a drink in the moment. Come on, man. Double Tos and soda, big glass, no line, Mark. Just one, just one. He's like, oh, okay. And then we got him addicted to Ambien. Like, he got addicted to Ambien. And then we lost the Ambien.

And he was He was chosen He's like, I can't sleep man Can't sleep You guys got me hooked And the best We were on a train We were like

Just take a little nibble And a drink And he just falls asleep Wakes up He goes Huh That was amazing That was amazing

That was the best thing I've ever had And it was me And my cameraman Was with me He's so funny I even trying I'm not like that

He's so fucking funny So dude I've ever heard his Bill Burr joke Or not joke but is Bill Bird story? No, what is it? So he goes, he was just like, he goes, just like in LA, we all look up to Bill Burr.

And I see him at the cellar and he's kind of by himself and I go, Burr, let's grab a drink. And he goes, let's get the fuck out of. He goes, he goes, I've never met him. And Burr goes, let's sit the fuck out of her. He goes, yeah, let's do it. He goes, so he got a bar in New York up the street. He goes, we're at a bar. And I don't know they got a little awkward and a song's planned.

And he goes, you know, he says something. He goes, you know they say the N-word in the song. And you know Burr knows music. Burr's obsessed with music. I didn't know it. And it's some like ACDC, some classic song. And Burke goes, oh, right. Burr's drinking goes, what do you say?

He goes, they say the N-word of this song, and Burr goes, what the fuck you're talking about? And he goes, hold on, replay it back. And Burr, I guess, just tears into him about it. And Mark says, he's like, whoa, hey, man. Remember me? Just a fucking few minutes ago, we're cool. We're cool, man. So he goes, I'm so embarrassed because I thought I thought, I thought,

was like he goes I forgot his wife's black and he goes so we get into he goes he's like yelling at me and he goes and then it just like fizzles out I leave he's like oh fuck it he was I panic I leave he was next morning we're doing press together and I don't want to go I called my aging he's like dude I don't want to fucking do this and he was like you're gonna be fine bird bird bird's a good guy he goes there and bird burgess completely was like what's up like everything was all good I got I got a call that's so I got a call from bill I'm on my way to the fight companion I'm buying wine and cheese. He must have known I was on my way.

And I just get a call and it's Bill. I go, hey. And he goes, I just want you to know I can feel the cloud of self-doubt taking you over as you make your way to the fight campaign. Make sure you say a bunch of dumb shit. I was like, you motherfucker. We get, we get the call. He's all the guy that scares me at the copy score.

He's never done anything to me. He's just like, he'll call me. Yeah, it's like it's like a legend walking through like oh god he's he is to me He's intimidating I think he's the best comic working oh I know Chappelle Depend what you like yeah I love him too Louis C case we went to an XFL game together and he goes What do you guys do what do you have nothing to do? Oh he called me goes you want to go an XFL game I was like fuck yeah so I go guys close yeah really close I didn't know Yeah we have a podcast together bill bert so we go down to the we go down to the

We go down to the XFL game and I'm super gregarious. Like I love meeting fans. Like a fan recognized me. I get excited also. And I love taking pictures. So that is not Bill Burr. Bill Burr.

When something guy goes, Hey man, I don't want to be that guy. Then Bill goes, then don't and walk away. So I'm getting recognized and people aren't recognizing Bill because he's got a hoodie on

and a hat on. He's trying to hide. No, he's not trying to hide. The sun was really bad. He didn't want to burn. He puts sunscreen all over. So he's got a hoodie and a hat on. And he's eating a pizza and we're walking through.

And people are like, the machine. I'm like, what's up? And they're like, oh, dude, I'm a big fan of the, oh, fuck. It's Bill Burr? And he's like, I don't know it. Yeah. And so at one point, Bert leans over and he goes, hey, stop matching their energy. Because you're getting more excited than they are, which is making this turn into a frenzy.

Yes, it is. He goes, just say, hey, how you doing? And keep walking. And I went, oh, okay. Dude, we, yeah, I love Bill. He's one of the funniest. My favorite Bill Burr story is this is how quick his brain works, right? I'm certain this isn't a bit of his.

But we're driving in a car one day, and I see a van, old conversion van. I go, I go, you know, Bill loves nostalgia, like old things. He's old school, yeah. So I go, I go, Bill, remember how cool those were when we were kids? How great conversion vans were with the captain seats? He's like, yeah. I go, whatever happened to them? He goes, that's a branding issue.

He's not writing a joke. He goes, it's a branding issue. This is a branding issue? He goes, yeah. A couple guys rape a couple kids and some vans, and now you can't drive a van around. Then he goes, Bert, same thing with rollerblades. They were fun for a summer.

Next to you know, a couple gay guys wear him. Can't wear rollerblades. He's not trying to be funny. But the thing I like about Bill is Bill will, Bill will find a part of you that's funny that you don't know is funny. And then he'll point it out. And he'll enjoy it. So like, we go to lunch one day.

I don't, I, if I see someone who I, I don't think speaks English, I will say the English word like four times, like napkins, napkins, napkins, napkins, napkins, napkins, like just, I don't know why I do it. Make sure they get it. Yeah. And Bill's like, he gets it, man, napkins. I go, hot sauce, hot sauce, hot sauce, hot sauce, hot sauce, hot sauce. Hot sauce. And so we're at this part with this chicken restaurant. And then they come and they go, are you done with everything?

And I guess I went like this. I go, yeah, I'm done. And Bill's going, Who the fuck do you think you are? Archduke Ferdinand? Yeah, I'm done. But I don't even realize I do it. I just go, oh yeah, I'm done.

He'll correct you too. I remember having a conversation with the back of the comedy store and he said something I go. Oh, he'll correct the fuck out of you. Oh, dude, because I went, yeah, it's like people sign up to buy a pit bull like you're going to deal with pit bull problems.

He goes, it's any dog. Just don't say pit bulls, but it's any dog. He went, yeah, any dog. Yeah, all right. How are you wearing your jumpsuit? You look like a mechanic from a musical. But he stuck up for me. Because I wore a jumpsuit like Chappelle wears, but I wore it before a special came out.

And I wore it. And I love jumpsuits. So I wore it from John Varvadoes. I wear it. And everyone's kind of clown on me. And you know, Tony Hinchgift, Rogan, everyone. Yeah. And then Burr walks in.

I was like, oh, man, this is the worst. And he says his line, right? You look like a mechanic from a musical. And then Rogan, the boys jumped on me and burst. stuck up for me. And I was like, oh, fuck yeah, dude. He said something like, oh, if you could fucking get away with you, you'd wear that shit. So he looks fucking fine. He's like, yeah, but he's a he goes on. I'm like, yeah, shut your fucking mouth. Dude, he's an interesting, like, and he would, he would not like hearing this, but he's a very sensitive, interesting,

thoughtful guy who really cares about people. Like, he would not like hearing me say that. No, he is though. But he really genuine this. Him and Rogan are the reason I got, the reason I'm where I am today, and I'm, I can say that about a million things. Obviously, I could pinpoint different times in my career where Joe kind of pointing me in the right direction. Number one. Number one is him telling me I had to tell the machine on stage. Oh, wow. Him doing, oh, I told her on this podcast and he said, this is one of the greatest stories I've ever heard.

He goes, you got to tell it on stage. I said, it's not a stage story. He goes, no, it is now. From now on, I wish I could get the audio of this. I'm sure I'm inflating into my head. He goes, for now on, he is only to be known as the machine. and when he goes on stage, shout the machine until he tells it.

I went to Columbus that weekend, and they were shouting the machine. And I was like, guys, guys, guys, it's not it. This is the beginning of the cult of death squad. Remember the early, early stages? I'm like, guys, I'm not going to tell it. And this kid in the front row goes,

you know, Columbus is like a big hotbed for podcast. Yeah. Kid in the front row goes, Hey, Bertman, tell it. We understand it's not going to be funny, right, guys? But you got to work on it if it's going to get good. Oh, wow. And I went, what the fuck?

kind of community I involved in. That's number one. Number two, he calls me, Rogan calls me one time I'm riding fucking motorcycles through rice patties in Vietnam. High as fucking drunk, right? I mean, I'm doing travel channel.

I'm on the flip-flops, just, rea! And Rogan calls, and he goes, what are you doing? I said, I'm drunk as fuck as high, and I'm running, running motorcycles through rice patties in Vietnam. And he just starts laughing,

and he goes, this is who you are. Fuck travel channel. This is who you are. And if you're not talking about this on stage, you are wasting your talents as an artist. Fuck Travel Channel. Get away from it.

Come back to stand up. I was like... He's right. Yeah. And then my wife called and she was like, what? You are not the machine.

You're a father of two. Get the fuck off that motorcycle. And then cut to... I'm doing my second... My last season of birth... I did Birth Conquer. I did reboot of Birth Conquer. I've been on Travel Channel for nine years.

I'm backstage with Burren Rogue and I walk in. And I guess, I don't know if I said something... What year? TV. This is five years ago. Okay. Five years ago. almost yeah probably almost exactly

and I said I don't know if I said something TV-ish you know about like I don't know what I said but he goes they Rogan just in like in like like I can't keep it in anymore him and Bergo hey man your show sucks I go I go huh and they're like what are you like a TV star

is that what you want to be like a like a travel channel host like the way they said it was like they're not you're better than that you know that right and I was like guys guys I was like guys I got a You know, I got a family. I got, and they just, Burr just goes, what's your nut?

And I go, what? And he was, how much money do you need to make a year to pay your bills? Tell me the number. And I was like, and I told them the number. Number was low at the time,

I assume. My number is the exact same number we, today. Yeah, we don't have it, we don't really buy a ton of shit, but it's still a big number. Yeah.

And, and Berr and Rogan, they're like, yeah, you can get that from podcasting. And I remember them being like, hey, focus on your podcast. Focus on your podcast.

You know, We'll help you get guests. We'll all be on your podcast. They'll like get and then you can get monetized for your podcast. And I tell you you can make that from podcasting and stand up. They're like, get the fuck away from Travel Channel. When those two dudes. Fucking Robbins is saying that to me from day one.

He's been saying fuck acting just do stand up. And podcast. Of course I never listened. And podcast. Yeah, and podcast. Problem is now, you know, I never listen. Then you get a TV show. And then I just sold another show.

And then I think I sold another show. And the problem is that No, I'm not bragging. The problem is that you, when you're trying not to do something, you get trapped into this thing and you have to kind of go, you have to sit back and go, I'm a comic first and foremost. But you also love it.

You came out of it to act. Like, you're an actor for sure. I know, but I'm, I like stand-up more. Stand-up is so much fun. That's the problem. Stand-up. We don't have it right now. We don't have it.

You know spots of the comedy story? Like, I was saying this, I'm below the bell on show. time. I was saying how I think I took it for granted because I was on the road for like 12 weeks in a row I was like I need to fucking break then Corona comes and you can't do it it's like I'm going fucking crazy oh yeah I do now everything is it true that all the restaurants are closed in the bars LA County LA we're in Santa Monica so the restaurant across

street and the okay everything's closed how about well before dine in you can take out and I got a pee they took the break I love I love Bert because me and you were talking about it I think in the bell room if you remember this You were sober I'm usually sober before I go on stage Yeah we're talking about ticket sales Because I find it so fast

Oh do not get me started He has his black belt and tickets Like ticket sales because they move my tickets I think from 20 to 25 And then from 25 to 30 And it's such a it just You're talking about a world is different to us We're like $5 whatever

It's I studied under Tom Seguera So I this is one of my favorite like And by the way this isn't a ticket sales joke But this is a good story So I'm in Philly right Tom's doing the truck Tom's doing the truck he's doing $35 tickets Truck Adara

Trogadero maybe $40 tickets I'm doing $20 tickets at helium So guy comes up to me and he goes He's like Bert Let me tell you something man I'm always gonna be your fucking fan Your boy Tommy charging 40 bucks for fucking tickets

40 bucks. I got 80 bucks for me and my girl to go see this guy plus drinks plus parking down at the truck and he goes Or I got you for 40 bucks I go hey man thanks brother I call Tom I go I go hey just give me I'm just giving you a heads up man people are saying that you take a price

are too high and Tom's like Tom goes that fuck that guy right so I go back I get on stage and the guy I met is that talked to me is in the front row and he's so fucking drunk him and his chick are ruining the show

that they had to within my first five minutes grab them, physically drag them out, and the biggest fight in suit, I call Tom, I go, I'm raising my fucking ticket prices. But Bert knows, because I was like, dude, they want to do this. I'm worried about it. We're going to talk tickets?

Talk to Bert. Dude, I love, I like the business of this, too. Look, this is why I come from this. So, Joe, Bill, all those great stories about, like, get away from Travel Channel. I get away from Travel Channel, right? I get fired from them. I then go and and I'm supposed to do the big funny or die tour.

Remember, oddball? They do oddball. I got fucking 12 dates on oddbell. I clear my whole calendar. September, December, I'm empty. I'm just doing oddball. We get our house torn down. We're going to re-bondle our house.

My wife's schedules of a septomy. I got all this shit going on, right? Obball cancels 12 dates. I'm all of those dates. I fucking. Why did they cancel? Because no one bought tickets. They didn't get a, they never didn't get like a proper headliner.

They had the people that now were selling arenas weren't selling then. Okay. Like Fluffy and Sebastian. And so that's, I mean, that's what I'm told. And then, uh, traffic and fire from Travel Channel. And I am just, I got nothing. And I'm, and I'm, and I want to sell tickets because I'm getting a, my clubs at the time, I was getting, like, when I was going to start up again, I was getting a $10,000 guarantee was my deal.

And I was like, I don't want, it's, there's no worse feeling than asking for money and then not making that money for the club. And knowing you just. They just fucked their month. I just assume, and I have said, just don't give me what you can give me. Like, don't, I don't want to fuck you guys. Because you're my business next year, too. Like, you're how I'm paying my mortgage next year. And so that's what I got really, I leaned into, I did a vlog, and I started doing

internet videos. And I was like, I was like, dude, I kind of enjoyed it. And I enjoyed this weird kind of like, especially when you get ticket accounts, you do a video, you post it. And then you start seeing it track or like, clear. Do this one was it. So Cleveland, when we did this special, we did Agora, we signed up to do five shows.

Filming two? Yeah, filming two, filming two shows. We signed up to do five shows. And then I said, I wanna, how much is gonna cost to film one more night? Thank God I said that, because on my second show of the first night, there was a mustard stain on my pants. I guess I had a fucking hot dog

in the middle between shows. Fuck, yes. Fucking Babe Ruth over here. So I said, I wanna add two more shows. And they go, okay, just give me a heads up. That's gonna be like over 7,000 tickets. got to move in Cleveland. And I was like, okay. So I fucking battened down the hatches and was like everything else is sold. I got a I got a focus on Cleveland. And by the way, I had never moved

7,000 tickets in a market. That's seven thousand tickets is like a lot of fucking tickets. That'd be the most tickets. And it was so much fun to do a video and and find ways to market to Cleveland and do it to Cleveland on the challenge, man. And challenge and then watch ticket sales grow. and go, I'm flying into Rover. Hey, can I have to hop on your show? Of course. It was so amazing that I started going, man, the power of just you.

This is when it changed my mind too. I thought, I remember in this whole process of doing this for Cleveland, someone told me, hey man, do you want to go see Wilco tonight? I go, Wilco's in town? And they're like, yeah, I go, I didn't know that. Oh, shit. No, I can't go.

I promised to do something with my wife and kids. And then I was like, fuck you, Jeff Tweedy. Why wouldn't you let me know you're coming in town? Like what? And then I thought, I wonder if there's people for us that love this show that are sitting in wherever you are next week. Nowhere next weekend, but wherever you're going to be that goes, that goes. That then sees this show and then the next weekend and you go, man, Austin was a blast.

He's like, I'm in Austin. How come I even know about that? And the thing is, it's not their responsibility to watch every episode we do. It's not their responsibility to be on our Twitter nonstop. It's our responsibility to as artists to let the people that, want to see us know where we're gonna be. That Jeff Tweedy's story switched my brain and I thought if Jeff Tweedy cared a little bit

and by the way, I will say this out loud, I think Jeff Tweety's heard this story because him and Slater Kinney are doing a tour and they did a funny fucking video about their tour and I guarantee you that tour sold out immediately. Good. But it's our responsibility to sell our tickets to our fans. All these people that like go,

I was just there, sign up for my mailing list. You're like, no. Fuck your mailing. Fuck your mailing list. Yeah. Fucking put it in your stories every single day. Fucking mention it every single day. Throw it in.

If you do a funny video, if a cop pulls you over and you do a funny video, you just, go, hey, I got to get to get some movement in Cleveland. And by the way, don't ever tell people sold out ever, ever, fucking ever. Always tell people, be humble. And that's one thing that I noticed is like. Even if you sell out? I always post a sell out. We care if you sell out.

They don't care. We care. You're only doing, not you, but like, we are only doing it. We were doing it for. each other to go, wow, someone's sold out. I don't give a fuck if DeLeo knows that I sold out. What I care is that people always think you can get a ticket to my show and just, you don't, like that's selling out thing, man, or there's, you don't think it creates demand? No. The easy effect? There's, it doesn't create DMX, okay, they can't buy a ticket. Correct.

And then next time you go, they got to be on it. No, no, dude, they know they sell out. Trust me, they know that's sold out. They're trying to buy tickets. And especially when you, there's no better, I mean, preach. I look at it like, you know, like, you know, Like I did when I was doing this weekend. Everything sold out this weekend. And I had like tickets to move in on my second show in Huntsville. I didn't. Hey guys.

New Orleans. New Orleans Montgomery and Huntsville. I'm there all weekend. There are tickets still available. Swipe up if you want tickets. Don't go. New Orleans and Hunts Montgomery are sold out. The only,

it's like it's like you're not, you're not trying to sell anything to anyone. You just let it's like some people I think see through that and see gloating a little bit. Yeah, gloating. And then. And then when you go, but I got tickets in Huntsville, Huntsville's like, well, what the fuck's wrong with us?

Yeah, like, what the fuck? I just look at it. I see both sides. I see both sides, but I'll tell you what, for me, you could see direct. I did it a bunch, you know, and it's cool. If you got a tour date, right, added second show. But like, I'll tell you what. And we're talking about these guys a lot, Bill Burr.

I said, you ever look at your ticket counts? And he goes, no. And I said, wouldn't you worried that like sometimes, be light on the show and you'll and he just goes part they all sell out and I went oh I want to be that guy but that's I want to be that guy but that's Bill Berth 30 years deep in the game yeah yeah yeah so if you ask Bill Burr he asked Joe Rogues yes you know Chappelle you think it sells you know first of all so much of this is a result of the internet yeah and you know he's come along now in during social media when and you're younger than me but you mean you remember

you remember dude I remember when the big boys weren't selling out I remember when the big boys were relying always on local media. I was there. And I also remember when there was no such thing really as theater acts and stadium. Never! There was, everybody was doing clubs because it's just the way it was. It was, yeah.

So that now this new, by the way, the fact that the comedy store, because of podcasts, has become so huge. Well, infamous. Again, it was nothing. Legend. It was where people didn't want to go. And so you got to realize, too. This has changed so much in the past.

But still, it's changed. Great. It's changed with talking. Justin the other day. They've canceled over $7 million just in March alone in comedy gigs and live torrent $7 million in March alone

all the acts. Seven million dollars. Here's what's crazy about this. 0.07% of all comics in the world can sell tickets. 0.07. 0.07. Out of all the comics can sell selling tickets means

selling a weekend at a club. Theater acts, you're 0.00 where you're at. It's a different level. But even to that. Yeah, Justin tells me that all the time. We don't know. I don't know anybody. I don't know.

I didn't come from that world. But I'm following, Bert. I'm following Tom, falling Chris, fall on. By the way, these are just my thoughts about, my thoughts about my ego looking,

looking empty. Do you remember when we were on MySpace, Brian? And we were like... Well, hold on. I was on MySpace too, man. You would have been in my top A, Bert. We were in this group of, like, when Dane ruled the world.

There was something Dane used to do. I love Dan. I'm not shitting on Dane. There's something Dane used to do that rubbed me wrong. Always, always. Hey guys, Dane Cook here.

I got a big secret to tell you guys. I'm not going to tell you today. I can't tell you yet, but I got a big secret coming tomorrow. You guys hear this, you guys are going to lose your mind. I felt like going like... That shit worked though.

But yeah, it did, but it always rubbed me wrong because I was like, hey man, this isn't, this is your ego talking. Like this is kind of gross. How so?

Because I don't... What was his secret? I never, ever tuned in to find out. You know or whatever. Yeah, like just like. Big fucking see as opposed to like. He created a pandemon.

He created all the shit I'm doing. He created all this. He created the whole fucking game. He said, hold my beer and then ran one. No, no, I don't know if I was that close. But what I will say, I will say, not even remotely. Get out of you. That like, that like.

No, Dane, Dane was a pioneer. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what was more effective for me than I got a big secret things. And I would say, I'd say, I'm saying this. Don't say big secret though. I would say, my dad calling. me and going buddy do you know a guy named Dane Cook and I go no and he goes

he's on the cover of USA today and by the way that was the shift when Dane like I remember calling the game he changed the first he was the first social media such a big fucking way but you can learn the stuff you didn't like from him and apply that

as well you can go I didn't like this shit but I love this shit yeah but here's the other thing about Dane I know everyone with this shit on Dane whatever I like Dane he's always been great to me Dane's always been cool will still fucking crush a room dude dude dude jane will still ryan you remember but got it was that good got that motherfucker to the dance one of the funniest dude he killed me he no he still but here's my problem watch him and be like you are a

peace he was doing something different than we're doing you understand you understand people were bombing when dane was in that tank top there were still comics who bombed they would david tell would bomb louis k would bomb that was how they did stand up you would bomb and bomb and bomb and And you get a couple of good ones. Day never fucking bombs. He was evil-con-eval. Remember him in Dublin? Every, dude,

him in Dublin was watching the first caveman make fire. I couldn't even speak. I watched him and I went this. He got me back in the stand-up. I wasn't doing comedy. But I watched him and I went to do this. I just saw him at the comedy store a few weeks here. Yes.

I'm telling me, brought the house. Still murder. Still murder. Oh, and you know what? He's a real comic. And it was just crowd work. He's a real comic. Oh, no one wanted to fall him for years.

Dude, I watched him do the, even to the state. I watched him do the Boston Comedy Club. We got him. I watched him do the Boston comedy. I was at that taping. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

As a fan? No, no. As a friend. I knew Dane back there. Oh, you and Dan were boys. I've known Dane for, I've known Dane for as long as I've known Bill. Dane sat me down in his apartment.

He used to live on, what? Do you ever open for? Never open for Dane. Never open for Dane. Dane sat me down. He used to live in an apartment off of Fairfax. It was,

it's the old Johnny, the old Kennedy compound. It was one of the most beautiful buildings I'd ever seen, one of the most building up, beautiful apartments I'd, I've ever seen. And he was, we went over to play guitars and just bullshit, go see a movie. And he was, and he was just going over to his computer the whole time.

So anyway, and I go, what are you doing? And he goes, oh, dude, come here. Let me show you. This is going to change the game. You need to get a MySpace profile. And I was like, huh? By the way, I was like, good luck. You're never going to catch me doing that shit.

Yeah. If I had listened to him. Every holy time. He said, I started noticing people were emailing me and a lot of people. And then I said to myself, if I, If I start making a log of these emails and letting people know that I'm going to be back there. And that's what he started doing. We got to him on the show.

I've talked to him the other day. I want him to come on him on the show. I'll tell you what, man. If you think, now think about this, right? If we're talking about game changers. Oh. If you're thinking I had anything even remotely to do with Dane, that's nothing. That's nothing.

Think about Rogan. What he did. He broke the fucking game. When he decided... It's not comparison. They're all different. No comparison. No comparison.

No, but I'm saying what Dane did was just as effective what Rogan did. Oh yeah, no, no, no, right, right. So Dane broke the mold. Joe broke the mold. Dude, Schultz was breaking the fucking mold. You guys broke the mold. You when you guys, when this podcast popped and everyone was like, dude, fighter and the kid dot, dot, dot down, fighter and the kid dot dot dot dot.

Because like at the time. Fighter comedian at the time. Dude, Cage fighter, dirty comedian. It was turned comedian. Two dudes doing a podcast. Everyone was doing the solo mode. Everyone was like, or Tom and Christina were doing them, but like me, Joey, Ari, Duncan. Everyone was doing the solo mode.

And you guys showed up, that was a fucking game changer. Dude, I love, I like, I hope to God, I live long enough to read a book about what has happened in comedy from like, from like, because I mean, just my perspective of, of getting in. And when I started, I didn't know, people didn't do the road. No one did the road. You lived in New York or you lived in L.A. They just stayed in New York. No, there was just road comics. There were road comics like The Chinaman and, and Jay Medicine Hat.

They were road dudes. Kirk Nolan. There was a guy named, oddly enough, Jim Brewer, who's not the same Jim Brewer, road guy. All these road guys did the road. And then you had New York comics who would kind of do some, like in Long Island and up and down the coast, but they weren't going in technically the funny modes. And then everything changed.

And like David Spade would do tempi improv. And I would see that and I would go, oh, wow. Then they offer you to do the road. like wow because what happened is the irvine improvs open like 13 clubs the funny bones open like 20 clubs and they started blowing up the road i mean you're right when you talk about fucking theater comics you go there was when we were when we've started there was not that's joe coy and bill burr how they'll tell you hey hey burr can ask this and this might be super deep how sausage is made in comedy but they booked me on this then we can add this out it doesn't matter but when they booked me

theater tours, right? And you're like, this is good for you, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, cool, man. One night in the city. I usually like to spend a few nights in the city, Lunar City, right? Get a hang out, meet the locals, whatever. I love doing that. Then we go to theaters, when I look at the numbers, I'm like, oh, dude, this is just an ego thing.

A lot of comics are booked in theaters, because they're ego. I would rather go to New Orleans do six shows. I'd rather do Atlanta and do six shows. Make a lot more money. I get a work on my craft. I get a hangout in town. I don't have to take so many planes. Why am I doing theaters?

They go, what's a good look for you? No, hold on. According to who? They go, well, the other comics, they go, dude, I don't give a fuck about what people, the other comics. Let me do these comedy clubs, dude. I know, but you graduate towards theaters. They go, no, no, no, you don't understand, dude.

I don't give a, I want the most money possible, as many reps as possible. That's what I want to do. I fought with my reps so hard. How do you make my, my question for you, because you know, Tilly says like a motherfucker. This is really inside baseball, but I'll explain how it works. Please do, because I don't get how comics can go into one, unless you're Joe Rogan-Chapelle,

how can you fly in from one night in Atlanta, New Orleans, and make the same money that you'd make if you did five or six shows? Go. So, so you do your first theater run, they offer it to you, and they say, just so you know you're going to take a hit. And I said, okay, why am I doing this? Yes. And they go because it's a good footprint. It's what you want to be seen. If you can make the lead to theaters, it says a lot for you.

in the business of like of telegent and movies is that you made the jump to theaters because it's really hard to get this guy who knows us as club comics for our whole entire careers these guys these guys right here have been following us for nine fucking years right when first time we did rogan they were like oh i like that guy i'm gonna go check out fighter and the kid oh now they're my guys right they've been coming to the clubs Columbus funny bone fucking Dayton funny bone tillito funny bone Miami improv tampa improm helium helium yeah all these clubs if you can make the leap to theaters, you then say, I don't just have someone that will come to see me in clubs

and is a fan of the club. I have people that will make the move to theaters with me. So when I go to theaters, they will actually it's out of it, it's like a different ticket buy for them to like go to the theater. I know it sounds crazy, but that's what they say. So then you go, I go, well, I don't really give a fuck about that. I love clubs. I'm a club comic. And they're like, and they're like, trust me. They said trust me. My dad said, fuck them. They don't know what they're talking about. He was like, dude, stay in the clubs. You're making

great money in the clubs. So then you make the leap to theaters and you go on sale. Dude, I'll be very candid. Tom's reps were like, you're making a big fucking mistake. You can't fill theaters. Because it's a weird thing. It's a transition.

And there are weird transition where you're like, hold on, I can go this market and sell whatever, 14 to 2,000 tickets. You put me in theater, I can sell 900. Well, it's like, I can sell. Well, it's a transition. If you can sell 3500 to Chicago Theater. Oh, you could do Chicago three weeks in a row. If you can sell 37,000, 3,700 tickets in Chicago in one night,

you can do literally a month's residency in Chicago and you would sell every single show out. Why? Because you're talking about a clubs holds 1,200 people, 1,300 people. But if you're going to move 1,300 people in a night, as opposed to over the weekend, it's a different muscle. So how do you make money? So let's use the, let's use the Wilbur as an example. I think it's a very safe example.

I hope everyone's comfortable with me. I'm going to do, since I said it. People like numbers. Since I said an imaginary number, I'll keep it in imaginary numbers. Wink, wink. So you go into the Wilbur and you do one show. You've got to pay for the curtain.

You got to pay. 1,400, 1,400 people. I think it's 1100 people. $20 tickets the first time I went in. I took it, did a $20 ticket, which is a very doable ticket in Boston. But it's, you know, Saturday night. They give you good placement.

Saturday night. You got to, I remember getting the breakdowns as 19, you know, I'm pretty close. I'm pretty close on, I can almost tell you the size of any fucking venue right now. And so, um, so you, I get the breakdown and you got to rent, um, security guards. You got to rent the curtain. I remember it's so expensive. You had to rent. You had to pay for, uh, the staffing of everyone.

You had to pay for rental of the lights. You had to pay for the rental of the mic, the mic, the mic stand. Like, you had to pay for everything because. Just so fans know, to interrupt. Just so fans know, when you go to a comic club, that's all covered. That's all covered. You don't pay for any. You're not renting the place, none of that.

You get paid for your talent. You're paying for everything because. And two drink minimum. Yeah, because otherwise. Theaters have no drink minimum. Otherwise, they would just stay dark and they wouldn't lose any money. Okay. But if you're going to go in and you're going to say, I'm going to do this.

So then you do the first show and I, and you're like, great. Me, by the way, I'm not great on numbers, but maybe you walk with like $12,000. Okay. Sell out 12. Yeah, sell out. And so I remember I did that one show and then I was like, wow, I went. I went in the next time I did two shows at the Wilburn and I was like cool Once again the numbers aren't accurate 24 grand I just remember 12 number 12 gram being the number for Friday and Saturday

No no for one night one night two shows and I was like great. I'll walk with 20 24 grand and I'm like I this makes no sense 24 then I get my check and I Astronomically higher and I go well, what happened and they said well you already rented everything So that's second show that's all your money and you went oh That's right. Okay so then so then we go to do the theater tour And we announce it, I think right, we announced it like two months out. Everyone texts me. Tom's reps are like horrible idea.

You're not a theater act. You're never going to be a theater act. But why Tom's reps texting it? Because they, because the fucking, because Berkowitz loves me. I don't fucking know. Andrew's cool shit. Berkowitz is cool shit. But they just, they're in my ear.

And it's one of those things where they go, if I text, look, I'm sorry guys. You're going to get them in trouble. Fuck them. They text me and told me I wasn't going to sell theaters. And they were dead right. And by the way, I'm friends with them. I'm cool with them. But also eat this dick.

Yeah, but, but, and look, they both have come. I got a complicated history of those guys. So they text me and they're like, hey man, I don't think this is a good fit. You're not doing the right clubs. You're not doing the right theaters. It's going to be a hard ticket sale to sell. I don't think you're doing the right theaters. And so I'm like, fuck, now I'm nervous.

I'm in my head. They want that because if I don't sell theaters, I'm leaving my agents. I'm going right to them. And they know, deep down, oh, he can sell fucking tickets in theaters. I pray to God something. goes wrong on that day so that I can get this class with I'm sure they're playing that game and so we go on sale and we sell at like the first day we uh Brian Dorfman the guy I'm working with now I go in the shower we go on sale at like at like 10 a.m. I get in the shower at 10.7 my

wife comes in she goes Wilbur sold out and now I'm going math I go oh I had a second show and they're like they want to have a second show I go definitely out a second show get out of the shower I get my bed Andrew Tom's rep says hey man congrats I think you're going to have a great tour and I was like Andrew's a fucking solid So theater is the money is if you can sell two shows Because the first one covers you're not

The second one's where you make you money So then So you'll sell between really 3,000 ticks in every market To really make money On that, in your first theater run You're going to go do theaters anywhere from a thousand

To maybe 15s as big as you're going to go Roughly maybe 17 Like 18 I think is maybe But we're not going to go too big So then Berkowitz texts me And he's like, hey man, congrats. Looks like you're going to have a good theater run.

You know, both of them are solid dudes. They'll tell you when they're wrong. The guy I work with now, Dorfman texts me. He goes, hey, man, this is going to be fucking big for you. You're going to add shows everywhere. And I went really. And he goes, oh, yeah. I just want to be the first one to call you and say congratulations.

I'm like, fuck. I go to take a nap because I'm not up doing press. And my reps call and they're like, hey, we want to add 13 shows. And I was like, whoa. And then they call back later that day. They go and add 10 more shows. And I'm like, holy shit. And now it turns into a fact.

of like i can't get from market to market on planes if i'm getting out at two in the morning that's when we decided to do the tour bus game fucking changer game now i'm saying hey fuck that add three shows i'll do it thursday add three shows i'll stay monday add four shows i'll do you know move my schedule around and so then you do that run and you make good money right like do you make like you're making some good money once you get to a place where like i remember and by the way my lead horse this whole time has been Tom. My lead horse has been Tom. Meaning?

Is that Tom's two, three steps ahead of me always. I'm doing a thousand seats. Tom's doing three thousand seats. I'm doing three thousand tickets. Tom's doing 10,000 tickets. So I've always have a best friend to call and go, yo man, should I do this dot, dot, dot.

And Tom's like, I'll tell you what I do. So like I got a, in this fucking game. And then I got Rogan who's like, all right, fuck that. You get it. It's like, it's been a really great thing. And so then once you, do that and you've proven you can sell those tickets in those markets and they'll jump to

theaters then you can go to Chicago theater do two shows at the Chicago theater do two shows it and like and then once you're doing stuff that it's like 4,000 seats once you're doing what rogan's doing rogan's doing you're selling tickets too Bubba what rogan's doing Rogan and Chappelle man I can't imagine what their paycheck is I can't imagine I can't it's crazy I mean it's astonishing but the thing is and the thing is is like It's like the theater, the theater show is, is super fun. Like, I love performing in theaters now because I think you go into these beautiful, beautiful venues.

You, you experience, they're always cool to see you. The city will give you like a brick or a cow when you sell, they'll like make like a thing for you. It's, it's just fucking a great, great experience. And so, you know, when we had to cancel these shows, it wasn't just about the show. It was about this singer theater. Louisiana? You're going to miss out on it.

It's so gorgeous. Hey, Bert, can I ask you this? Because you have two kids. Do you have what kind of, I don't want to say resentment or what kind of heartbreak do you have being on the road all the time missing a lot of your kids growing up? Oh, it sucks a hard core. If you're a dad and you're a fucking human being, being on the road, like my girl, I'll text me like, oh, Tiger did this.

I'm like, fuck, dude. I miss that. I get anxiety. I miss that. Dude, it's, man. Hey, look, I can. I'm gonna trump all you guys with all that shit because I had kids, I had no money.

Like there was none of this game to be played. You just did the road. Like no one named a tour back then. You just did, it was called the road. And so I did the road every day for every week. But that's different because that. By the way, you did Wednesday to fucking Monday. But in that regard, that's you trying to make a better life for your kids at this point.

But no, it's still that same thing. Here's the thing. Dude, okay, not only that, I did the road every fucking week, and then every, not just like any time I could make money. I had to make money. I didn't, I was making my first round when Georgia was born, I was making $700 a week. I had to pay for flight and hotel. $700 a week. And then you go to where you get your first headlining offers and they're like, all right, it's $1,100 a week. And you're like, I'll take it. It's a fucking jump.

And they're like, we need you there Wednesday so you can do Thursday press. And then you leave Monday. So you're there Wednesday to Monday. My moments with Georgia at that time where I'd watch tough crowd and Chappelle show and I'd sit with her in the mornings with my, put my thing like this, I put her butt right here

and I just sit with her and watch these fucking guys I dreamed of being. Yeah. Like Colin Quinn, fucking David Tell. Dave Chappelle. Jim Norton, Greg Girolo, Patrice O'Neill. I still watch those. I looked at them and I was like,

please, God, give me a career. Please, please, I'll do anything. So my anything was, hey, Bert, we got a gig for you in Sacramento, Alaska Limited. I'm here, I'm there. I've never said no to a gig. I've never said no to a gig. Never, but they were small at the time, right?

So now, Bert, Burt Kreischer, you're still doing it. Here's a deal. Okay, number, this is the way my brain works. And I know it's broken, but like, I go from that to into Travel Channel, and then I do Travel Channel. It was two weeks all and one week off. and that one week off, I did stand up.

So like, I was never fucking home. And it was just like- And how were the kids then? Who knows? Yeah. I have no fucking idea. I came back from South Africa one time and my daughter was sitting at the bottom of the stairs

and she goes, Dad, what the fuck are you doing here? I mean, look, I'm joking about it. Obviously, I drink a lot. I'm sure there's a connection. But like, and then you look at it now, my kids don't know any different. They've had a dad who's gone on weekends, home in the week. When I'm home in the week, I don't drink. I try to fucking dial it in.

I try to be a good dad. Pick up from softball, go to every softball game. You, you, you, there has to be some sort of, you got to carry that. But let me tell you something. Is that, is that, is that I also have this weird obsession with stand-up and obsession with connecting with people. And so, so I already, I, dude, I sent a text this morning at fucking 5.30 in the morning. When they said, they said 10 weeks, was it, no, eight weeks, 50, people. people who are less, I texted my agents and managers and I said, book it all.

I said, if you got to cancel dates, book it all. I said, if you think you're booking me too much, you're not booking me enough. Book it all. Book me from fucking the day we can start until fucking New Year's Eve. And it doesn't have to do with the money. It doesn't have to do with money. For me, it has to do

with this awesome experience of going into a city like the beacon. Oh, I'm going to get a fucking emotional man. And this is what sucks about fucking these canceling these goddamn dates going into the fucking beacon of this one of the most story theaters in the world and and and performing and doing well and like and like with new material doing fucking well with new material and it's tight and you do an hour five and you're like an hour 10 and you're like dude and then and then all these people standing up and giving you a

standing ovation and then going like going like god damn it man I've never sold a ticket in New York my entire fucking life I've never said to and that's an actualization. of hard work hanging off of not letting your brain shut off of not letting your brain shut off and going all i do is write jokes and think about how i connect with my fans right jokes right jokes right jokes every time i'm at a funeral and i'm sucked fucking giggling in the corner and everyone's like what's wrong with that guy fuck i'm a comedian dude that's all i do and you're one of the best part but your my point to all this is right the beacon you're you're going to do that and all those days but you're still missing that time with your kiddos no but i don't see how like i don't know

anyone i guess rogan at the point he's at now where he just does a theater and then flies home there it is it is it is part of the gig it's part of the gig make it make hey while the sun shines let me tell you something the sun's always shining bird you look you and ali won't say that said they say that so does rogan it's not going away i go all right you have that fair i don't know they always man i've been a failure way too long in my life to to to to i've have well you put it in the time burr this say this doesn't work for me dude it doesn't work for me dude i'll tell you what i tell you because you keep doing this and you keep doing this and you keep the time which you have. You look at this

and then you go, you know why I work every fucking weekend I can is so that when people turn on that special, hey big boy, and they see that opening joke and they go, oh, that's good. That next joke followed well. It's because I've worked that hour fucking a hundred different ways and I

have fine-tuned it and I bust a mask so that some dude who can't go out for St. Patty's Day for fucking, because the fucking lockdown and he's like this sucks and then he grabs a beer and he goes all right, yeah, I'm finding the kid. and then no i get all that i'm just saying your kids at the end of the day and don't get me wrong i'm on the road just as much as you guys i cannot disagree with you but what i'm saying is my kid doesn't

give a my son tiger doesn't give a flying fuck how my special turns out my daughter said i'm selling tickets my daughter yesterday said you missed five of my birthdays and oh don't she said that to me yes don't fucking let's do this game let's see let's do this game let's do this game i miss my son's birthday You know, I said, and I was out there trying to give you the life that you wanted, and that's what I was doing. And I said, and by the way, you're lucky. And I'm, you know, I'm sorry about that, but that's the way it was. You ready for this?

You ready for this? Yeah, it sucked. And yeah, and I was on the road. And I, she was really young. And I was like, I'll celebrate it that Sunday, not the Friday that it's on. I struggle with that. I'd say it's the biggest demon I struggled. My daughter's 15 years old.

I still. Right. This got me not just emotional, but angry. So it is I'm home I've got to fly I've got to do press All day

This is this was last weekend This is last week This fucking last week I'm I'm home for I'm home for like Fucking two a day I get I'm home for 24 hours right

Like I fly home I flew somewhere to do press I fly home Oh I stayed in New York to do press Fly home I'm literally at 24 hours home. And my daughter George, like, this will, dude, like, this has been a fun fucking podcast. I haven't talked like this at all.

I love it. She goes, hey, I got a, I got a late start tomorrow. And I go, oh, cool. She goes, maybe we could, like, hang out in the morning before school. And I go, oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. She was like, okay. So, like, what do you want to do? And she goes, hey, anything you want, dad.

I just hang out with you. And so I was like, okay. So we go out that night with friends and we all have drinks. We have a great time. We come home. And I don't even really remember the conversation. I'm laying in bed. It's like seven in the morning.

And I feel the sensation of someone's staring at me. And she's standing over me. And she's got something in her hand. And she goes, hey, dad. And I was like, what's up? She goes, I made you a breakfast sandwich. I said, you did. And she goes, yeah, I thought we could eat breakfast together.

And I was like, oh, thanks, baby. So I get up and I take the breakfast sandwich out. And I sit down at our breakfast table and I open it and I said, where's yours? And she goes, oh, I'm not hungry. And I go, you just made a sandwich for me? She goes, well, I know you'd want a breakfast sandwich. I made the eggs the way you want them. And I said, really?

She goes, yeah, like a little runny and I put some cheese and a little hot sauce. I hope you like it. This little kid made a fucking sandwich for me so that I would sit and eat a car. She wasn't even hungry. And I just sat there and I was like, dude, you want to talk about where you go, she doesn't keep my daughter don't give a fuck on my special she like did two sheds about my special but she made me a fucking sandwich and by the way I'm you know I'm hung over I'm wolfing down a sandwich and halfway through I went you're not eating anything I'm just like I'm just like I'm like I'm like

I'm like I just want to sit and talk with you like where you're going this weekend I said New Orleans and she was like oh cool what what's like New Orleans like just picking my brain like a 15 year old and I was like god damn it man I was I was so like emotional about that that I was like, that I was like, push my flight back. We're taking the late flight out to New Orleans tonight. Fucking,

let's go to dinner. Like, let's hang out. I drove to pick her up for softball, talked in the car. It was like, man, those moments like that.

My biggest fear is losing connection with my kids and it happens all the time to people. And it happens with a lot of, I know a lot of people who've done very well in this business who've paid that price. It ain't worth it.

I've seen it. With actors. I've seen it. It's not worth it. And my biggest fear is, what's it like, have a daughter that likes you though I don't want to

thank you for that well yeah because my my dad was around but he worked a regular job but he was flying out and he was such a beast I'm hoping my kid

just like yeah my dad missed a lot of shit but he's a fucking beast dude my dad's doing this my dad I never saw my dad but I knew he loved me though my dad was my dad

my dad said the record where it was where it meant something when he came to my football games and he didn't miss one for a long time He'd be gone all week, but he came to a football game, but he set the tone where he was a fucking beast, man.

Yeah, I was going to say, like, as a guy who came from a, certainly a father who just was never, you know, he wasn't around because he was working so much and traveling so much back in the day that, you know, it is what it is, but, but, and then I went away to school, right? So my parents were in Saudi Arabia and I went all the way to Massachusetts at 13 years old, and I never came home. So, but, but I, but, you,

Most people would think, well, you know, your parents were, you just never saw your dad. Yeah. I knew that motherfucker loved me, though. Yeah. I knew that I was the most important thing. We're talking. We're having this conversation. Selfishly, for me, I, like, I don't want to miss anything.

No, no. I don't want to miss anything. I understand that, but that's going to happen. Here's the deal. And you think about this. The thing about this is, is that here we are talking about, and the reason is because in some sort of way, our dreams are attached to our job and our dreams and our and our passions attached to our job.

My dad was a fucking lawyer. I don't think he ever liked being a lawyer. But man, that motherfucker was gone before I woke up. And I did not see him until the weekends. But that's why you're like. But you also, it falls over. Yeah, he'd take me to baseball. My baseball coach.

But like. That was typical of fathers. That's how what dad worked. Dude, guys like, like, like, Sigura is a great example. I can say this. He's my friend. It's like, one of the best dads I know, by the way. And he takes time off of his schedule.

He doesn't fuck around. He takes time. time I was scheduled to be there for his kids and he'll be like, no, no, I'm taking a month off. Yes. I wish, Ali Wong, I think, took a year off. Correct. But I wish I could do that. I, I couldn't do that.

I envy it because I go, yeah, but I can't do it. I'm also not Ali Wong, you know? Crazy. I'm not going, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, if you tell me, I would put a show on sale and I'd immediately add 19 of them, I might go, maybe I'll take a year off, you know. I don't know. I don't know.

But like, I wish I could be like that. You know, I listen to like, you know, I listen to like dads where they talk about, you know, it's kids first. It's kids first. I don't know if our kids would respect us if we were, if. Agree. I know, I know a dad who's been out of work for a while. He's really there for his kids. That sucks. Yeah. That comes with its own fucking stress and regret. And let me tell you something. That's the other thing I'm afraid of. I don't want to be fucking broke. I don't want to, I don't want to have not enough money. I don't want that shit. Well, like my son at a soccer game. He signed up for the Venice football club, right? And I go, it's the first game. I miss his first game.

They sent me video. And I came to his third game and he comes up. You know, he's fucking four. And he was, Papa, you're not doing funny this weekend? What are you doing here? I'm like, oh, fuck, dude. In front of the other dads. Like, oh, we're surprised you here.

I'm like, oh, fuck off, dude. I get that all time. I said to my daughter's other day, I said, is it hard being my kid? Because, dude, let's not even, we're just talking about this. I talk openly trash my kids and my specials. Well, I roast the shit on my, my, my girl. I make fun of my kids. Like, that's just what I do.

But I said to them one time we're driving down Riverside and I go, is it tough being my kid? Like, what's it like having me as a dad? And it's almost like, it's almost like if you grew up with a, with like deaf parents, you don't notice it maybe. It's all they know. It's, and my daughter, George, he goes, I really don't know.

They go, you're not a really. regular dad, but I don't think we'd want like a regular dad. I think it's exciting for him, right? My dad, my kids will get excited. Like when we go to parties, my kids will always be like, and this is, they don't do this to all the dads. They'll go, hey, dad, come out here and make up a game. And so I'll get in the pool with the kids and I'll make up a game.

I'll like make up a game. You're the life in the party. Make up a game. Hey, like Chinese New Year's. We went to Chinese New Year's. This is all my Instagram stories. Chinese New Year is a big deal. You wear red.

It's all about gambling. You get to celebrate Chinese. Oh yeah, our best friends are Chinese and Vietnamese. And so they go... But America first, right? Yeah. Actually, no, neither of them. Hey, did you guys have bat soup?

What did you get this too? Now, hold on. Hold on, this wasn't in Wuhan. So I come coming off the road and Georgia calls and she's like, hey, are we doing Chinese New Year's tonight? And I'm like, yeah, and she goes, are you getting ones? Because it's all about you got to get fresh ones. I go, oh, am I getting ones? I go, baby.

pick you up. So I take her into the bank. I said to the lady, I'm with her and her friend. And I go, how many fresh ones do you have? And she goes, how many do you need? And I said, how many do you have? She goes, I got a thousand. And I go, I'll take it.

So I take out a thousand and fresh ones. George is now bubbling. She goes, hold on. What are you going to do with that? She's 15? She's 15. She goes, I go, we're making tonight fucking interesting. I went in with a thousand first ones.

And we played a game called foods, right? You know what spoons are? If you've never played spoons, this is one of the funest games in the world. You put, say there's eight kids playing. you put seven you put seven spoons out and then you pass cards around in a circle and the first one to get four of a kind grabs a spoon as soon as he grabs a spoon everyone grabs a spoon and it's like it's like musical chairs last person out gets kicked out you're better dad than i am so i go so i go all right guys we're playing spoons this round 40 bucks and they're like whoa the kids are having a fucking black

playing spoons dude i came up with the game one time you take you take ski poles and you put ski poles and you put a beer on top of the ski pole and you throw frisbee's at it and the kids We're like losing. I'm the kind of dad, but see, this is where I make up. It's I'll go, I'll go, hey, we do, we do, I mean, I always come up with parties. We do the 12 nights of Christmas every year. So every year we do 12 parties in December.

And then the parents do, 12 nights at Kamasutra, where we each pick different fuck moves, each do the move and then text each other in the morning going, what did you guys think? Dude, I like to party. We play a game called Mustard Hands. This is a game I play with my kids. Mustard Hands is one of the funest games.

We played it with Stan Hope, right? Oh, fucking boar. You grab a bottle of mustard You put your hands under the table And you either squirt mustard in your hands or you don't And you pass the mustard Under the table goes around So it's the last person you put them up

Then you rub your hands together and go Alright let's start with Ila Ila do you have mustard in your hands If we guess right You guess to put it on her face But if not you can put it on someone else That's hilarious We always guess wrong

Because we just want mustard on her face It's the funest guy in the fucking world And my wife fucking hates it So we do it with Stan. You love these games. Oh, I love a good game, dude. We do mustard hands and we get to Ila. It's Ila then Stanhope.

So Ila gets it. She starts it off, gives it to Stanhope, goes around, gets back to Ila. She puts up and she goes, hold on, can I change mine? And Stanhope goes, clearly you didn't put mustard in your hands. She goes, you don't know that. And he goes, no, I do. I'm a grown up. And I know that you can't get mustard back in a bottle.

And she goes, yes, you can. And he goes, I want to see this. He squirts in her hands. And he goes, I just heard mustard go in your hands. And she goes, no, that's it going back in the bottle. Oh, wow. I'm watching this too idiots. Sucking her back in.

But it's like fun games like this where I just, dude, I. You live for it. I love it. We do a thing, what my group of friends called a preparedness party. Very handy now. But we used to do this thing where we all got, we all spout a night talking about it. We said, let's all get our goods. And then wham out of that fucking phone call, 15 minutes earthquake just hit.

Everyone at Sandy and Tom's house. And so everyone's got to get your family's. Get your goods and go to Sandy and Tom's house and see if you can survive and have a party. I'm never doing this. Oh, I'd be down. Oh, dude. I'm more like on Bert's end. I love this shit.

But here's the other thing with you touring your kids and stuff like that, your wife has to be so fucking game. Oh. I mean, you're going to say like your wife has to be friends with other families. Oh. Well, I'm just talking about like touring all the time. Like my girl just asked me. I don't think it's a problem. I have history of my family with alcohol.

My girl's like, you can't drink in L.A. Can you make me that deal where you won't drink in LA anymore? I'm like, what? She goes, yeah, I'm drinking right now. But I text her, I said Bert's on the show. It's my birthday week. I lied. I'm like, Bert wants to have a shot.

I thought you would. I'm like, Bert once I have a shot for me for her birthday. I'm going to drink today. She's like, all right, cool. Because she's, you know, she's worried because, you know, whenever I do stand up, I drink, Papa does stand up when he's in LA. Damn near every night. And then I go on the road Thursday through Sunday.

So I'm drinking. You've been a little excessive lately. You love your whiskey. I love it. And you drink. No, the wrong with that. By the way, stop talking about this. I'm going to want to drink tonight.

All bullshit aside. On a Friday night when you've got two shows. Yes. A whole bottle. You drink a whole bottle. Bert. And they send it to me. You drink a whole bottle of whiskey.

250 pounds, Popper. No, you're a big kid. 250. Me too. I'm trying to be like Bert. Oh, wait. So you'll go, you'll go the whole bottle with no problem. You're not real drunk.

No, I'm not really drunk at all. I wake up not with a hangover. I work out. Yeah, dude, it looks fine. And then you'll do it again Saturday night. Yes. And then you probably drink something on Sunday. No, I don't drink on Sunday.

I don't drink. But Friday Saturday, you're drinking too. So I won't drink. So I won't drink Sunday when I'm home. Won't drink Monday because I don't do stamp on Monday. I take Sunday Monday off. Tuesday, I'm at the store. I drink at the double.

God, I have a double. Dude, if you're going to drink, a little weed. And then Wednesday, you're going to laugh at you ask me to do it. So I'm going to have a fucking double there. And then Thursday, I'm back on the road. Another bottle. It's Thursday.

Friday, another bottle. Saturday, another bottle. So we have problems without, we have a problem with that. See, you guys, I don't, I don't. I don't see, no, here's a problem. I like, I enjoy it and I don't have. I was this way with wine and now in this word, nicotine patch, do you want some chin? So I have, um, that would create them, whatever.

Yeah, so you have a drug, you're drug addict, but, but, um, like, I think for me, what happens that I got older. No, he's so far. He's fine. Yeah. Hey, he's going to be working out for me. I can't drink red wine anymore. I don't like red wine anymore.

I don't like it anymore. Oh. How fucked up is that. I love red wine. Isn't that crazy? I love it. I love it too at night. I'm in the hot tub.

Oh, don't get me starting to be fucking... No trunks on. No trunks and a fucking bottle of Merlo? Bro. No trunks? My ball's floating up to the top. A bottle of Merlot?

Papa is a hot tub. A bottle of Merlot on a treadmill watching diners, drivings and dives. Hey, hold on. Nothing better. When you go to Birch's house, when you go to Birch's house, when you go to Burns' house, his fucking treadmill, red wine.

It's all over. the treadmill. There's spots of red wine all over it. On my treadmill and just fucking jog. It's the greatest thing either. Right? So you start walking. You walk in like a four, right? And you're like, wow, I can do this all day.

You're like, but I could definitely do this with a glass of wine, right? It's like a wine tour almost, but not really. So I turn on Daz's Grocery games. And then you start getting buzzed and your brain will be like, fuck it, let's run. And you're like, ah! And now you're just sweating aggressively. You get off, get into the sauna, get into the pool, get in bed.

You've worked all those. calories all that's life dude that's live I did it one time at a fucking live you're drunk at the same time you're getting drunk while you're doing while you're on the treadmill oh I'm high on the pelton every morning oh what do you mean what do you mean I'm ball deep of nicotine high as shit oh don't get me started with nicotine what do you got oh I chew or would you use cigars this is fascinating oh I can nerd I'm a square huh I'm a little square go ahead I'm more on the Burt spectrum here I'm telling you man I there's

I think when we used to play baseball, you put a dip in and I could run lap. If you were like, hey, time to do player appreciations, throw a dip in. Oh, I could do it then. It's proven that helps with cardio. Nicotine, yeah. Dude, I'm telling you right now, my wife, this is the kind of person my wife is, I quit drinking for like eight months once. And we were in Italy.

We were in Venice, right? It starts snowing in Venice. We're having dinner and it's snowing. And she's like, and no one's there. It's empty, right? She's like, and I go, God damn it, this is when I want to do. drink and she was like yeah of course and I went what do you mean she goes is when everyone wants to drink she goes listen you're not an alcoholic have a drink and I went

really I've been I stopped drinking for eight months just because like I was like I thought maybe I had a drink a problem or whatever she goes I look I know you you get your shit done whether you drink or you don't drink fucking have a drink and I was like really had a drink went out went out to St. Mark's brand new snow everywhere the only ones out there made out literally like made out and it's a wine make out where you're just like Oh, ha. And then I'm like, I'm like, let's just get lost. And we just got lost in Venice walking around brand new, fresh snow everywhere.

We're looking for our tracks to get back. Dude, those moments, that's why I'll never quit drinking. And that's why I, that's why I, that's why I had not into with Venice in the snow. It was the moose. Dude, I don't make great memories, though. Dude, memories, like, I mean, some of the greatest times I've also riffing on stage. Like when you're a little, like, you're the courage. Like, I got this bit.

And then something else comes. Like, oh, that's that whiskey. There's no better feeling than getting someone to turn. Like, but I would do it with Mark. When you, when you get a partner in crime to drink where you go, hey, you want to get a cocktail? And he's like, I don't feel like it. And I go, like, maybe like a white Russian.

I probably could go for a white Russian. And you're like, hey, come on. It's a one o'clock. Let's do it. And then when you're drunk, right, and you're with someone and you're stumbling through streets dying, laughing. Mark and I get hammered one night. in fucking Stockholm

and we go to a strip club and we go to the club and we go how is it? And the guy goes, not that good. And we're like, oh, hell yeah. Okay. We're like, we're like, uh, we'll keep, you have a bank machine in there? And he goes, nah, it's around the corner. So we're like, we walk away. We're like, that seems weird

that he didn't try to sell us. And he was like, yeah, is it us? He's like, no. So we go over to that place, take the money out. We see another strip club. We're like, let's try this one. So we go over that one. Now, we're wasted. We are fucking wasted. We've been drinking since like one in the afternoon. We're like, hey man, how's the strip club? It's not your type of strip club. And we went, oh, is it guys?

And he goes, no. We go, is it girls? And he goes, yeah. And we go, well, why isn't it our time? He goes, these girls are looking for more of a commitment. Oh, money. It's the fuck down to him. Lose our shit.

Are they wanted money or what? No, that's all of us. We were like, so did he bring her down to a room on a couch? And she goes, I thought we'd catch up on Game of Thrones. I want you to meet my family. We are. That sounds like these girls won. This is a whorehouse.

I think it was a whorehouse. So does you go in? No, we went back to the original strip club and then, oh, dude. But like those stumbling through the street drunks by yourself with your friends. Well, remember my brother's my tour manager. So Jay drinks the same as I do. A little lighter, but Jay, well, no, hold on. If I have two, Jay has one.

So we're matching two for one. He knows Japanese whiskey. That's how he got me starting all this. So it's me, my brother. It's my older brother. So it's our experience, man. And hold on. And when I say it's the best, it's the best.

You need me there going, hey, brothers, what's going on today? There's nothing better. You and I torn together? I know. There's nothing better. Dude, especially if you've earned that booze that night. You get up, you worked out, you worked on your set. You listen to some fucking material from 9-4.

This is what I'm saying. It's a comic. You spend all day alone, writing, working out, you're alone. At night, to turn it all. at night when you get to get upset and then you have all the fans to turn off the fun it's impossible it's impossible it's impossible it's impossible brother brother brother brother brother we need to draw the surfing turf brother huh juror the surfing turf in front of burr no i did all right just checking you're getting a little buzzed up no I'm gonna say I'll I'll Suggura doesn't do

anything he called me one time on the road he goes he goes he goes I'm in Dayton do you uh do you like hang out with these people I go what do you mean he goes they know a lot about you I go, who? And he goes, the staff, the people leaving the show. Like, everyone knows stuff about you. Everywhere I go, people say that. I go, yeah, I hang out with them. I still to this day.

I'll get to the office show and I'll go, I'm going to this club or this bar. If you want to meet me there, take a picture. I'm totally cool with it. And I'll just drink with everyone. You set the standard because anywhere I go when you used to do clubs, they'll go. Dude, you sold either the best or the second best weekend as far as booze-wise. I go, who's first? I go, Bert.

Everywhere I go, dude, you sold either matched it or right behind it. Who's first? Bert, everywhere. That was my seed. Like, we're talking how to make sausage. That was my in at clubs. I would go in and I would go into a club. I would do the best stand-up I could.

And then one night Tony Baldino at the out in Schaumburg said, hey, nothing for nothing. The nights that you go to the bar and have a beer after the show, they stick around and I make like an extra three grand. And I went, oh. And he goes, I'm just saying, if I make an extra 12 grand throughout the weekend or 15 grand throughout the weekend, I'm probably gonna feel fit to bonus you on nights that you got closed.

Yeah. Interesting. Yep. So I then went up and I said, Hey guys, we're gonna go out to the bar after this. I got a game we're gonna play. Okay?

We're gonna take pints and we're gonna hold them like this. Virtually's playing game? I love fucking games. Okay. That's why I ran the fucking marathon with no training. I love a challenge and I love a game. Do you, you can find this online.

You can find this online. I think it's called Beat Bert. I go, we're going to take pine glasses, and we're going to fill them up a beer, and we're going to hold them like this. The last person to drop their arms wins. Everyone's buying is $20. Dude, we had like 30 fucking guys, each put in $20. 30 guys all standing like this. Steve Byrne has the camera, and he's filming it.

I fucking, it's on my Instagram, just type B-Burt. Or not my Instagram, my YouTube. You ever played Edward 40 Hands? No. Dude, I pitched a show I pitched a show to a travel channel one time called The Cinderella Story Where I go into a competition with no

Fucking training No knowledge, just nothing And I would And I would just see if I could win it And I went in and did the Scottish Highland Games In Long Beach and I came in third Jesus Christ I just out of nowhere I came in third

There it is there it is there it is Fucking look at this Chicago WinProve what year is this 2008 right And so I know that I'm gonna get bonus Look at a young I look. Now just scoot through, scoot through so you can see the

see the, look at this. You look so young. I know, I was young. You look better now. I think I do. You and Tom both look so much better. Okay. So, that's not easy. Shirts off. Okay, now go to the end, go to the end.

You're just going to watch people fall out. Go, go right there, right there. How long did this life? Look at this. Me versus this fucking kid. Look at. Mickey Mantle jeans, bro. Yeah. You're a maniac.

All I'm yelling is I got nowhere else to go. This is after how many shows? Two shows. Did you beat everybody, Bert? Everyone dropped. Look at this fucking child. Dude, child. You beat everybody.

Watch this. Watch this. Come on. Just give it up. Give it up, you fucking bitch. You fucking bitch. Take it down. He's, oh, he's collapsing.

He's collapsing. Look at my arms. They are steady. They're so good. They're fucking steady. You have strong arms, dude. Is that Steve Byrne? Steve Byrne commentating.

I love Steve. I'm talking shit in his face. Steve. Look at my arms have not moved. My arms have not moved. My kid's out. Watch this. He bent his arms.

He already lost. He's hard. He's trying. I'm just like Jesus Christ, I'll be here all day. How are your arms right now? Are they dying? No. What I'm doing is,

I'm switching muscles. He doesn't know that. But I'm going from front delt the back. He doesn't know that. He's trying to do one set of delts. Oh, yeah. Good job. Look at this kid. Where are we at on time? He's dropping at any second now. He's gonna drop.

Look at me. That's just, this... Dude, this is whatever it is in my brain, I go, I fucking got this. I feel like here's losing. He's gonna go. No, he keeps bending his arms. Bert's saying straight. This guy keeps bending his arms. his fucking arms. He's dying, by the man. He's dying.

Look at this fucking poor kid. You got strong. How long do you hold that? This is Schauber? Hey, hit the, how long have I hold my arms up?

For, long time. Nine minutes. That's impressive. Yeah. That's fucking impressive. Oh, no, nine minutes and 46 seconds. Oh, yeah,

because we edited it, I'm sure. Very few people can do that. This is Schaumburg? Yeah, this is Schaubber. He's down. Look at this. Hey, isn't it weird? Look at this.

This is the fucking machine right here. Oh, two beers back to back to back. Booze is like spinach for Popeye for you. Holy shit. Jesus, so fun. Bro. Well, the specials called, what's it called? Hey, big boy.

Hey, big boy. Isn't it weird? Chicago doesn't have a, like, Seanberg's way outside of downtown. There's no, there's zanies, but there's not like a good comedy club in downtown Chicago. Yeah, they've tried. I think it's because improv rules the roost down there. Dude, we did this thing in New Brunfels, Texas. they have a big October Fest

and they do a thing where they take a big pint like a like a like the big ones from Germany at Stein and they did they did one where you had to hold it like this and man they had like they did this it's horrible for your shoulders they did this we did it like this and it was like 20 of us or whatever

and then the world champion and I got to the point where it was head to head me and the world champion and he's like and by the way this dude's done it he did it for like 30 minutes And he does. There's a lot of muscle under this fat. But, um, but, uh, geez, I did the day, you see those Mark Wahlberg, Dr. Oz pushups?

No. They're the fucking weakest pushups. Not Mark Wahlberg's. Mark Wahlberg did pretty legit pushups, but Dr. Oz does these pushups. He does those. Those don't count. Yeah. I go, oh, anyone can do fucking 40 of those.

Yeah. And I did 50. I was like, easy, peasy, baby. All those. Look at these pushups. Look at Dr. Oz's pushups. Tell me if this isn't bullshit. Is this that F-45?

That's where Walberg works out. Yeah. There you go. He works out in Sherman Oaks, by the way. For real? Yeah. Watch Dr. Oz's push-ups. My boys.

Now, Mark's push-ups for real, but Dr. Oz's? Those wouldn't count. What? If this is CU football, those don't count. Those aren't even push-ups. Those are like, what are those? Well, Mark's kind of do it, but Walberg's doing the same shit. Wahlberg's kind of, but you can see, yeah.

Even Walburns wouldn't count. Really? Nope, not University of Colorado. They wouldn't count them. It would actually make you restart. Dr. Oz. Oh, what is this? Look, Mark Wahlberg, relaps him.

Well, they're humping the ground, though. Yeah. Those don't count, man. I used to be able to do 100 push-ups when I live in New York, and I would go to bars, and I would bet people bar tabs that I could do 100 push-ups, and no one ever thought I could do 100 push-ups, ever. And I fucking hop up on a bar and just go, you ready? You ready?

Count them out, and I'd bang out 100. I used to be able to do 100 push-ups. Right now I can do right now I can probably do 40 in a row I'm guessing But I've been doing push-ups a lot lately But just because I'm my tits are collapsing But um But I used to be able to do a hundred and I remember I have my buddies from college up

We were at a party and these fucking meatheads These kind of guys that would bring a gallon jug of water to a fucking party and just and then A chicken in a bag and they just that's who they were Well sassi I said to this guy yeah I said I love Will Sassel, so I don't even know him. But I said to these guys, we're at a party with all these girls that are just beautiful fucking chicks.

I'm my buddy Hutch, my buddy, uh, Blair, my buddy, like a bunch of my buddies is there. Most frat names ever. And they did not know I could do 100 pushups. My buddy tiny, I could. And these guys are like, I said something like, you guys work out? And they're like, yeah. They're like fucking bridge and tunnel guys. And I go, uh, I go, how many pushups do you do?

And they're like, bro, I throw. up dot dot dot dot I think I'm good and I go I think I can probably throw that up and they're like excuse me I go oh I used to work out in high school they're like really I go yeah yeah I mean how like how hard would that be like I bait them into it right and then I go I go you think you do a hundred pushups and they're like no 100 pushups is fucking hard bro I go oh no it's not it's super easy like we used to do that all the time in baseball in high school right and they're like bro it doesn't count you're not That muscle's still not there. You got to be doing them every fucking day. And I go, I bet I could, I'll tell you what.

This was one of my favorite things to do. I've done this in pool and I've done this in push-ups. I go, I'll tell you what, I'll put up $100. Each of you put up 20. And they're like, oh, deal. And I go, buy-ins 20. Anyone put up. And bro, I banged out with adrenaline going and a whole party full of people count them out.

I banged out 110 push-ups. God damn. Holy-fum. But I didn't have a gym. I was living in New York, I was actually in pretty good shape, and I would just do every night. I would do 100 push-ups, and then I would do 100 sit-ups, every fucking night. And so I remember these guys. The other one you could do, I used to do this pool.

The buy-in was $5. I'd give you $35 if you could win. And you would win so much money. You put two balls in every pocket, and then three in the dead center, all them touching. Ball in hand, start it from anywhere, run the table. It seems so easy, but it's so, if you're, like, Rogan could do it, easy. but if you're just a regular person who plays pool, you at one point will hit the ball too hard

and you'll have a ball up against a wall that you'll never get back to. And we did this in the Poconos, me and my buddy Eddie against these guys, and we almost get a fight, right? They have now tried probably 20 times. We have $100 and I still, if anyone does it, I give them $35.

And then the guy goes, all right, I swear to you all my children this happened. I swear to you all my children's lives this happened. Guy goes, all right, this can't be done. And I go, no, we used to do it on our attorney house all the time. I go, no, it can be done. And he goes, I'll give you $100. If you can do it, you gotta give us all the money back if you can't.

I go deal. By the way, nothing to lose, right? Fucking run the table, do it. Go crazy. Tom Cruise that shit. Hayah! Motherfucker. I love games.

How much the most push-ups you've ever done? I don't know when I was fighting. I'd do 100 every night. Oh, yeah. But I wouldn't do 100 straight. Be like 50, break, 50. And I'd do 100 sit up. Doing 100 in total is one of those things.

Good ones too, you know, it's like, yeah. Most average, up and all the way down for me was $1,500. Yeah, that's what $1,500. You lost energy. Ah, no, I just listen. I'm trying to get my push-ups now so I can call someone on it. I'm trying to get my push-ups up because no one think I'd be able to put it up.

I did 84 with Byrne and fucking in Iraq, he goes, Brian wants to challenge the whole base to a push-up contest. I said, no, I don't do pushes. I can do pull-ups forever. I can't do push-ups. And this giant guy comes up. Marines? And I'm, but I'm nervous.

I'm adrenaline. And so I'm there in Iraq. We just gotten there. I'm not having stuff. And I'm in a t-shirt and this big muscular guy gets up. And I go, well, here goes, here goes, but I'm embarrassed. I'm nervous. I'm, I'm, I'm, but it's performance.

It's the best feeling to check this out. So Steve's why we didn't go to our first open mic. Steve's videotaping it. I just start going, I just go into his own. I go, just keep doing it. I just start doing push-ups all the way up and all the way down, guys, all the way up, all the down. All the way down.

Yeah, so I do the, I'm doing my military stuff, but I get to 60 and I go, this is a motherfucker. And I start to hear the crowd going, oh, I was saying, I go, what? And I look over and he's paused and I keep going. Oh, he took a brother. And now I'm like, oh, and now I just turn. That gives you energy. So I did 84 and he bro. Bro.

But that's more than I, if you tell me Brian, you're going to do 84, there's no fucking way I could do 84 push us. But with all those people watching, you do it. You know, it's all competition. So I learn online. You're gonna, both of you will appreciate this, I think. Our best friend Sandy's Vietnamese. Now, one day I see her run and she, it doesn't look natural.

It doesn't look like they're her original body parts, right? And I go, God, you run kind of fucked up. And she just says to me, I'm Asian. We don't run well. And I went, really? She goes, Google it, bitch. So I was drinking that night and I Google it. And I Google it and I find out.

You're never going to believe this. An Asian person has no. never won a gold, silver, or bronze medal in any short foot race. Any sprints ever. I could have told you that. Fucking ever. But ever. In any Olympics. In fact, mostly, mostly West African. Of West African origin. Yeah. So I get this little noodle in my head. I go to another Chinese, her Chinese New Year's party. This is probably right when I ran the marathon, I'm telling everyone I'm running the L.A. Marathon, no training. And they start making fun of me.

I get drunk. And that information of an Asian never winning a gold silver bronze medal comes out drunk as, fuck it, I can beat any Asian in a foot race. So now, you know, Asians love a good bet in his Chinese New Year's. Money's everywhere. I'm putting money on the table. We go out. Now, two of the guys I can fucking smoke, right? Two of the guys I can smoke.

One guy, Tom, I'm a little concerned about. No, we're both drunk, but he's in good shape. He's like a legit. And I'm like, okay, I might have a challenge on this one. I'm pretty quick. So every Asian at this party is on this street. I am hammered. I'm dressed all in red. I'm in flip-flops. I kick my flip-flops off. I get my stance. I can feel my belly on my thighs as I get my stance. I'm going, this I am fucked. Not stretch. No stretching. No stretching. All right. Count of three. One, two, three. I take off sprinting. I'm not looking at anything. I'm running as hard as I fucking can. And I feel like I'm the wind. I am going faster than the wind. I look to my left. The two chants. I look to my left. The two chants.

Chub of your Asian guys are behind me. I look to my right and Tom is nowhere to be seen. And I'm like, what the fuck? I crossed the finish line. Tom fucking tripped. And I fucking beat him. I was unbearable all fucking night. I go, don't blame yourself.

It's your people. It's your genetics, dude. I go, and I would go, hey, Sandy's and his wife. I go, get me a Tos and something. Never mind. I'll do. It'll take you forever to walk there. I was unbearable.

B, remember when you challenged me in front of the improv? Yeah, I did. With Dove? I thought he's so big and I feel like I'm kind of fast. Oh, oh, oh, oh. But I try to challenge him into a race, because we ran that Rocky, we did that fighter and a kid 3D. And I noticed Brennan was running like wrong. And I said to him, I go like this.

This is great. And I go like this, I go, hey, dude, I go, you're, when you run like this and he goes, hold on, wait, wait. Oh, you know I was running like fucking, I was running. the way he does in the movie. Like an Apollo. Are you telling me, because I never worked with any Olympic sprinters. I never spent my entire athletic career

trying to run faster and didn't work with the best coach in the world. What were you saying? Like he was like, oh no, were you telling me how to run. And I was using my track of high school. So then we're in,

but I'm keeping up with him in the TV show. He's, you know, I'm running with it. And then I go, let's race, because you're so big. We're at the improv. In front of the whole stuff. It gets out. It's like late.

It's like one in the morning. And but he's so big. Dov David Off is there. He's so big. I'm like, I feel like, you know, I mean, I'm, I'm, and I'm, I feel like I'm fast. I think I got my 23 meat back. I was like, yeah, I have fast switch muscle.

Dude, I tried to race with him. And it was like he, he was literally, it's like that weird speed thing. And I was like, oh my God, you're so much faster. Remember that one time I grabbed you and I said, I was serious. I go, let's, I want to clinch up with you. Let's clinch up. And I, and I, and I want to. and I want to hold you.

I think I can hold you and you try to get me, you try to break my clinch. Yeah. Because wrestling. And then he goes, do you really want to do this? I go, yeah, yeah, for real. And he goes, all right. And he just, he went, I just saw his face change and he went,

he just went, yeah, like that. And he fucked me up a little bit because your brother was there. Like, I hit my nose and I got all fucked up. I left my wallet and my phone on top of the car. We drove off. That's right. I come back. My phone has destroyed.

my wallet my face is all fucked up it was just from having to tussle with the bear you know who wants to do i see Tony hitch go up at the comedy store two weeks ago he goes dude i see the videos you and brian i wrestle in high school i feel like i could do pretty good i go huh he goes dude i wrestle in high school i i bet you i give you some fritz i'm like i don't know he has no idea i don't know none and then he got another guy i went please don't make me do this comedy store please don't make me do that tom thinks he can beat me in a 40 yard dash i'd love to see that tom thinks he can meet me. You're both athletic guys though. Tom's different. Tom's dad was like an like an Olympic power lifter. Wow. How about Tom's doing fucking he's going to do a special?

We just stand up in all Spanish. Yeah. And my, you know, my girl's born and raised in Guadalajara Mexico. Oh really? And I go, listen to this. I go listen to this Spanish. She goes, oh, it's really good. And she hates on everybody's Spanish. She goes, oh, no, it's really good. Well, he had to learn his mom's Peruvian. Yeah. And apparently I didn't know this. He told me this, I mean, He told me this in private, but I think he'd be fine with me sharing it. No, nobody's... When his parents met in Peru, in Peru, his dad was old CIA running planes into Peru, ran, met his mom.

And when they had Tom, they had to leave him in Peru, up in a hilltop village. And, uh, I'm trying to hold on to this lie so bad. There's nothing more fun than lying to your children and just telling, telling them a story that's so exaggerated. And they're like... What? Tom was born in a Peru. I go, yeah, this Peruvian village.

And every morning, he would walk down to this little bonsai tree that hung off the side of a cliff. And he would have to water it. And so that's why he's, that's why he looks the way he does. He's that there is, yeah, Tom is legit Peruvian. His mom fucking speaks. His dad was an Olympic power lifter. That's true. That's true.

Yeah, his dad was an Olympic power. Well, when I watched him dance and stuff, I was like, the guy's athletic. The guy's got like, oh, he played fucking football. He played like legit football and not college. Oh, dude. No college. No. Yeah.

What college? You've never seen attractive Tom Segura? No. Well, I think he's attractive now. No, no, no, no, no. Pull up. Hold on, hold on.

First of all. Attractive Tom Seguer. This is, you're going to lose your college did he play at, though. What division? Oh, he played Ohio State. No, I don't know. He played it, uh, okay.

Tom's good looking now. No, no, no. He is not good looking now. Literally put attractive Tom's cigar? Yeah, keep going. Put it, type in, young Tom Segura. See if young Tom Segura comes in.

And you'll see, oh, yeah, yeah. Look at him. Wow. Look at this, look at this kid. What a dime piece. He was a good-looking fucking human. Yeah, he was. Wow. Good-looking.

Yes, he was. Full mouth. I mean, the left side has got a little rapey feel to have money. The left. I'm up next. Number 69. Number 69. But yeah, good-looking Tom-Sigura.

It doesn't even look like him, right? Well, yeah. I mean, his lips are pouty. He's got a full mouth. He's a good looking kid. Wow. Oh, he used to fuck, I think. No, I agree.

I bet he fucked. That Tom's Fugura. Fuck. Now, go to the one with the baby blue background. Go to the one with the baby blue background. Look at this, Tom Zagura. Well, there's a rough patch. Do you guys have a Wild Wings challenge?

There's a transitional period. Oh, go to the one right and go. Yeah, no, yeah, that one. That one looks like baby Huey. That's a guy who's like, um, so in this prison, right? Do you think I'm going to be okay? So funny, man. He was rough looking there.

Uh, Bert, where can we get your special, dude? Netflix. streaming now. Streaming now. Hey, big boy. Bird Kreischer. I love you guys. Hey, big boy.

We love your eyes. You're the best. Always a blast. I would say give us your dates, but you know what I'm saying. Every single date I'm not doing, we're reschedule. Yes, everybody. Me, Brian. You think they would touch up my fucking eyes.

Yeah. Oh, shit. Fucking Netflix. Why would they? You look much older and your face looks like it has barnacles. My God. Why wouldn't you clean that up? That's not.

That's not what you look. He looked done. He'll get that reference. That's not what you look like. Oh, that's Magnus Walker. That's cool. I would fucking Netflix put that fucking picture up.

That's not what you look like. No, it's not what I look like. Your hands look amazing in that. Oh, fucking. All muscle. Go watch it now. Available on Netflix. Hey, big boy, Bert Kreischer's.

Bert Kreisier's 80 year old special. This is your third Netflix special. Third Netflix special. The machine, right? Yep. Go watch everybody. It should be up at midnight. It should be up right now.

You go check it out. One of the best. Yeah. Stay safe. Don't go out. don't get fucking fucking do whatever you do or do or just live you'll be fine if you're old don't go out yeah bird crash everybody bird crash i love you guys yeah