The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 318 Bobby Lee & Andy Dick

Episode Date: March 22, 2026

Andy, Bobby and Bryan all share stories of pooping their pants, lying in stories, past and present relationship with Joe Rogan, sensing and surviving danger, growing older, Bryan coming to the rescue, Andy's different sides and thirst for Brendan, Bobby's deaf ear and why he won't walk with Andy and tons more.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Not many men can withstand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised.

I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Mm, kids got a piece on them. Peace on them. Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield.

And now from the on it, studios in Plyar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. It doesn't matter. Sounds better when you see it. Live.

We're not live. We don't do it. And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. Shut up. This is not live. It's not live. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Wednesday. Hey, Brandon Shob's on his way to Syracuse where there's a foot of snow and I got Bobby Lee and Andy Dick in the house. And, yo, this shit's about to pop off. Am I right? Andy, what are you doing? First of all, I'm trying to get on Periscope. Am I allowed to do that?

Andy's assistant who's a good-looking young man named Isaac who's in very good shape, came in in essentially, I don't know how you describe it. Well, I'd describe it for you. It's like an elf meets Richard Simmons meets Captain Kirk. But he's also athletic. Yeah.

I like your body, dude. I mean, in a, bro. No, bro. I suck it off. What? I don't know. Andy, what's up? Do you put two Ds on Kidd?

No, just one D. Connection too poor. What are you trying to do? Periscope. Are you a periscophing? I love it. Andy's wearing a short-sleeve white shirt. We are on camera.

We are. We are. But, you know, some people will just listen. And a tie. It's adorable. You wore a tie for this. The guitar is from ACDC. Andy, what's going on?

Get off your computer, man. Try to set this up. You jumped right in. What are you trying to do? You're paroscoping? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Oh, I see.

I just have to try. Bobby's wearing a ski hat. Great shirt, dude. Do you always just describe what everybody is wearing? Are you being sarcastic? You don't like my shirt? I think your shirt's adorable. I like it, too.

It's monochmatic. What is it about our generation? What is it about this generation, our generation, where people are wearing, like it would be almost ghost to dress up. Hey. Yes. You shut the fuck up and do you get on Periscope.

You don't have to be mumbling. We did a, we did a, Brendan and I did a podcast with Mike Tyson. And I was, yeah, it was exciting. But Mike breathes, like Mike sometimes every time we'd be doing anything, and you'd hear Mike go,

he's just a heavy man breathing. Yeah. Well, he probably has like some, deviated septum or something from getting hit so much. You did a lot of boxing, right? Sure to have. Have you ever been in a fight? Yeah.

You have? Well, I've been knocked out. You have? Like five times. Because you've gotten drunk and gotten in people's faces? No, no, no, no, no. Not that at all. Don't act like that's...

Well, the drunk part's right. Yeah. But then people blindside me. They hit me in the back of the head. They hit them from the side. Why? If they were coming at me straight on, there's no fight. They would lose.

What? They would lose? You know, my dad was a boxer. I didn't know. Golden Clubs boxer in five states. Okay, but that doesn't mean you. You know what? You know what?

Say it to my face. Dude, you're already getting ornery. I hate you. What the fuck? I know. You know what he said to me out there? What? I go Brendan Shan.

What's his name? Shab. Shab. Shab. Shab. Shabha. Yeah, Shaba. Brendan Shahn.

He goes, I go, I'm filling him for Brendan Shahn. And then he goes, oh, I'm leaving. Do you not say that? Oh, because you have a crush on Brom? I love him. I'm in love with him. Who is it? Yeah, he's a beautiful man. Did he not be here because I was going to be here?

No, he's in Syracuse doing stand-up. He's in Syracuse doing his... You know what they call him? You know what we call Brennan? Hungry eyes. Because people who look at him have hungry eyes. You know what Ching Chong said to me when I came in here? Hey, it's...

Whatever. That's so racist. I'm sorry. But Ching Chong goes... You know, remember Ting Chong? Tall Chong. Tell Chong. Ching Chung said that, oh, I missed you.

And I felt really weird about it. Why? Because it was kind of creepy in a creepy way. You know what I mean? Like, we have some sort of like bond because we're both. You do. Just because you're Asian. You do.

Are you both the same Asian? Yes. We are? You're Korean? How dare you, Bobby? Why do we say such a Koreanian and Chin? He's acting like he knows you. Do you guys know each other?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Well, then how come you didn't know his name was Chin? Myana. Myana. Kamsamedana.

I don't speak You don't speak I'm a little bit more just a We don't We don't speak it I don't come up Oh let them speak yeah Really good stuff guys

Thanks man Why do they use Asian to describe all people From that part of the world That's a lot of people It doesn't make sense Who decided that that was politically correct Asian could be Russian Asian could be Azerbaijani

So what the fuck we're doing? Well, sometimes Indians go, well, we're not Asian. You are. They're not, though. I mean, it's okay. Asian, Hawaiian could be Asian, yeah? Yeah. No, no, no.

That's Polynesian. Hawaii is Polyesian. Yeah. Which is Asian. Do you know the Chinese were the most people on the planet until recently, you know, who just supersede? Mexicans now are? No, Indians. Indians.

Just with them? in the last couple years. Wow. Billions of those. It's a lot of people. They call it the subcontinent, don't they? The Indian subcontinent. And when they have Indians have the baby,

sometimes they have like the nine arms thing. No, that's not true. Yeah, they have like these mutations and they have the nine arms. And then everyone worships them. They're like, it's a god. And then the baby's like, I have too many arms. Don't laugh at that. You're being very offensive.

It's not true. That's what happened. We have a huge following in India. I love India. Let me just say something right now, all right? there's a TV show that I watch okay it's called bizarre

I know what he's not even listening this is fucking bullshit man and then you can get us all too hey I was gonna ask you Brian so I called Brian called me and said don't come at 12 come at 12 15 then he called again and said actually come at 1230 which helped me but you said it was because you had to do some reading

yeah some reads commercial oh okay I didn't understand oh you audition for a commercial I'd be so funny because I'm doing my reading but I know you're a prolific You love reading. I take my reading from 12 to 12.30. I love people say that.

I so long to be an aristocrat. Like, I so long to do this. Well, I'm taking my rest between two and three. And I take my exercises, of course, in the morning. I want to be that person. But you do read a lot. You do read a lot? Like every day?

Yes. Wow. I need to read. Do you read, Bobby? I read self-help books. Yeah. Like anything by Eckhart Toll? Oh, God.

No, I live living in the moment. No. Eckhart droll. It's so boring. No, but the power of now, you never read it? No, but I've tried to listen to it while I was driving and I almost died. His voice is so, he's just so asleep. If you want to meditate or take a nap, press play.

It's so true. And also, the power now, which I read a long time ago, is basically watered down Buddhism, you know? Yeah, it is. And it's like, I don't know. But I'm reading a really good book. book now called Humility is the New Smart, which is by these two, these two professors who basically are talking about how automation is going to displace, oh, about 80 million American workers. So robots?

47% of our workforce is no longer going to have a job with artificial intelligence. You're saying robot. Oh, yeah. And she basically, he and this, she and this man wrote a book about the mindset you have to have in the next 20 years if you want to compete in this world. Which is. So the idea of like learning a lot and accumulating a lot of knowledge, you know, you see, oh, you have a lot of knowledge in your head. That's irrelevant because smart machines can do that so much better than you do.

What you need to learn how to do is be pliable and someone who has the ability to learn, unlearn and relearn. And that's really difficult. Yeah. Yeah. No. They can't think outside the box, though. Who? Like robots and machines.

That's right. They can be creative right in that way. That's why. That's exactly right. That's what he was saying that. Yeah. Learn, unlearn and relearn.

Like Fox Mulder, for instance, right? You know Fox Mulder? No. He's a CIA FBI agent from the show X-Files. Oh, that guy. Sure, Fox Mulders. And, you know, he comes in, like, a woman was murdered, right? Oh, David Dukk.

Wait, wait, wait, what is he? Yeah. Fox Mulder. Fox Mulder. The Fox Molder. Fox Mulder plays David. Fox Mulder plays David Dukovny in real life. But he sees a murder, right?

And Scully's always like, Maybe, you know, a black person did it. I'm just saying, I know that Black Lives Matter. I'm just in this scenario. Usually it would be a Black person. Usually it would be. And I'm just making a assumption, though. But I have nothing against them, and I love them.

Yeah. Okay. All right. So don't write a letter. All right. We're pissed off Indians and Black. Yeah, don't write a letter or nothing. Okay.

In this scenario, let's not even use a Black guy. Okay. Let's use a, um, African American. Okay. All right. So an Afro-American is out of its mind. not a black guy would be like a white guy probably killed this

this person and then Mulder would be like or a wolf alien you know what I mean and so computers can't do that yeah or computers can't go wolf alien right yeah

because they can't think outside the box so what I'm saying I'm refuting your premise that's what she said you're actually you're bolstering my premise which is that we will learn how

we all have to be better at critical thinking creative thinking and cooperative thinking. Can I say something about that? Yeah, go ahead. And it's about the millennials. No, the millennials, I notice this guy here, you're 22, right?

Isaac and then my kids, they're 20, 22, and 28. They don't, which is weird because they're millennials, they don't embrace new technology. They're like, no, no, no, no, like talking into your phone when you're driving. Yeah. A text. Like just press, you can just look down for half a second, press the mic and go, I'll be there, 15 minutes and send it, you know, without having to be in a commercial where it's like, this is my daughter's last text.

I'll be there. I know. It's so true. You die. Yeah. And they don't embrace the newest, newest, newest, newest technology because they're set in their ways where we do. Don't you guys use that?

I don't know. I think you're making a good point because I think that's one of the biggest things that human beings suffer from as we get caught in one way of doing things. And here's the other thing human beings do a lot. they tend when when somebody agrees with you you'll tend to look at them and think of them as smarter than somebody who doesn't it's very natural for us because somebody's confirming your bias yeah so they'll be like you know you're

you're right and you go this person's just this is a smart thought for us no that's what you do you don't know I do because I'll tell you why Brian is smart because like for me yeah if so many agrees with me I do the opposite this guy has not because I just lied you know because I'm a lot liar.

You're a liar. Yeah, I lie to win. I'm a liar. So it's like when someone agrees with that, I don't trust them because this guy's a deceiver. What do you lie about? Henry Williams. Everything. Like, like, there's nothing truthful I say ever.

So, so if I'm like, what have you been up to? Watch, what are you meant up to? Oh, yesterday I went and saw that movie, the Florida movie with William Defoe. Yeah. Good movie. Because it's, you know, it's organic and it's like, this is best performance. Oh, I agree. I agree.

You saw it? Yeah. See? I didn't know. I didn't know anything about it. But, wow. You really do that. I do that with sports when I'm around a bunch of bros who really know sports.

And they go, Pat's man, I go, it's Belichick. He's a fucking genius. I do that. I just heard Brennan and people like that say that. Because I have no character.

Yeah. And I want to be loved. But not only that. Or it's just easier. As a comic, I've been so used to like embellishing things. Right? So it's like,

oh, I want to do this into a joke. But it's not funny just in terms of what actually happened. So I have to add. add little things to it. Yes. Right? Yeah.

Yeah. Have you ever told a story that wasn't yours? You weren't there, but it's such a great story that you put yourself there? Oh, yeah. At all the time.

That's my life. If they wrote a book, it's like other people's life. Yeah, because it's just more fun because that way you want to tell the story and you want people to, like you want them to enjoy it, but if you say,

my friend told me the story, it's not the same. So you want to put yourself there because it's more exciting. Like Steve Renazizzi had a story about shitting his pants on a train. But then later I found out that it was a lie.

But then I'm sorry But then I told the same story Like it happened to me But then when I told the story Right to somebody else He's like no that's right there A story that everyone tells So you told me a story

On my short-lived podcast That I tried to reboot It didn't happen It stopped? No yeah it stopped But about you On It really is the best story ever

Now I'm thinking it's lie Because it's so good You said that you you got fired from, can I tell it? Yeah. You got fired in your fucking thing. Yeah, well, but you probably knew mine would never air. Oh, that's true.

Jesus. I tell us right. Take it easy. So he, um, he, he got fired from mad TV because of drugs and alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they said, we're going to give you one last chance. We wrote a sketch. You're going to play Connie Chung this Friday.

So can you pull it together? Yeah. By Friday. So he did. He stopped doing drugs. Stop doing alcohol. But when you do that, when you slam the door shut that, that quickly.

Yeah. It's not good for your system. So here it's on stage, on stage as Connie Chubb, which is already funny, right? But he just got nervous. His bowels started gurgling. He was coming off of drugs and alcohol. And he just shit his pants, massive diarrhea going down his stockings. He had to walk off like this.

Oh, God. Yeah. And they fired him for real. Yeah, yeah. Can I tell you now the embellished parts of that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't go down your stockings. Exactly.

What? Then how would they ever know? Because Ari Spears next to me goes, You just shit your pants. Oh, what an ass. Right? And it seeped in a little bit. So the whole audience can see it.

But in the story, I say it chunks of shit was in the stocking. Yeah. Yeah. To make the story better. Yeah. So that's in that way, I lie. Yeah. But the premise in itself actually happened.

Yeah. All right. So in a court of law, would I get fine for that? I don't think so, man. I once shit my pants. I had to park my car. I threw my jeans out with no,

no underwear, and I parked my car in New York, I couldn't find a parking space. I was walking back to my girlfriend's apartment. I shit my pants, and the poo rolled down. This is, this is my dog. It rolled down,

and it came out of my hand. No. And then another one came out. And I remember there was girls. There were young girls in school uniforms. Yeah. And they were on the corner. And I was like,

If they see this poo roll out of my pants, it'll be, it's unacceptable. And I just left a bunch of poo. And then I got in the hallway and another poo rolled down my pant. And I was in the hallway. And a woman came this way and she goes, Jesus Christ, and I go, fucking dogs. That's good. That's good. And then I ran upstairs.

And I woke my girlfriend. I'm going to go, I shot my pants. You need to know that. I washed them in the jeans. I threw them away. And then I went down and picked up the poo. You picked it up? Yeah, because you can't leave human poo around.

It's disgusting. Oh, it is? Yeah. Go ahead. You have another poo-poo? Yeah. Is the whole thing going to be about poop, though? No, no, no.

We'll move on. Okay, you have a poo story. I just had a poo story. Okay. I have one with Joe Rogan. You do? You do? You do your poo story about Rogan.

First. And then I'll close it up with my poo one from last week. Well, first of all, it goes back all the way to the Ben Stiller show when we had this photo shoot, very first photo shoot, and I was doing a cleanse, but it really was just a fast. I was drinking just water. I don't even think I knew about the master cleanse back then. I was just drinking water.

I love the way you did the drinking, like you're sucking a cock or something. Everybody was saying, how do you feel? And how can you not eat? And I'm like, I feel like a million bucks. And they're like, we're ready for you, Andy. Everybody, I stood up, and I just passed out and hit the corner of the counter because we were in a kitchen,

broke my glasses, black eye, and then we had to do the thing. So years later on news radio with Joe Rogan, same kind of thing happened. I was doing another cleanse. I think I do cleanses right before the photo shoot to get, you know, a spell,

cut up a little bit. And so I'm on some other kind of fad. This time I think it was the master cleanse. Might have been. And we were all together, and I thought I was farting. It was a shirt, and I just diarrheaed in my pants.

And I was so afraid. I was petrified that Joe would find out. Yeah, because Joe, Joe blare that to the world. You didn't tell everyone. Yeah. Everyone. So I ran into the bathroom, took my, he took my everything off, and then buried it in the

garbage, and then just tried to wipe up and just went out. And you went out. Remember how agro Joe was when he was younger? So mean. Joe was the most agro dude. Thank you. When he was younger, he was so aggressive. Made the ladies cry.

It was, yeah, it was weed that changed. Yeah, and he would yell at me, you know, about all that. But I love him now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but he yelled at me in front of executives about smoking pot. I used to be so scared about smoking pot. Yeah, and now he's the biggest pot guy. I was, I was afraid of him.

Me too. I met him when I was in San Diego, and we went to a strip club and some guy with a tattoo of tears on his face. More than one? That means he killed people. It was like four. He killed a family of four. Fine. You know what I mean?

I like when they do that, too, so you kind of know, like, oh, Oh, I won't talk back. Right, because he'll kill me. Right. One could have been an accident, but four. Yeah, one could be like a Matthew Broderick thing in, like, in England when he was drunk and he killed somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Brandy.

You know what I mean? He was in Scotland. Four is you broke into somebody's house and slew their family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you have great lawyers. You have money, so you got out. Yeah. I love that shit.

I mean. Oh, you killed all the witnesses. Right. He was in Scotland. Oh, he was in Scotland? Oh, my bad. He should get a tattooed his face. But my point is this is that

But Roe, we were in a strip club And this guy goes, I don't know Rogan was getting a verbal altercation with them You go, would you say bro? That's what he said to Joe and goes Hey, fuck, you know what I mean? There was like a thing And then they went to go to the car

To get guns To get guns And then Joe goes Let's get out of here, right? And I wouldn't leave. I go, I called him a pussy. Oh yeah And then he's still to the state

Gives me shit about it. Yeah, because Joe has a really good eye for danger and Joe can pick up Joe can pick up crazy and he can pick up dangerous. If Joe tells you somebody's dangerous, he's right.

Get the fuck out of there because he's got weird antenna for that. He picks up on the weirdest shit. We were talking one time on the street at swingers and this dude like he goes like this, he's talking to me, we're having a really good conversation

and he goes, hold on. I go what he goes. That dude just made another fucking revolution around the block. He's casing us. And I go, what? And he goes, that guy, and the guy drives by. I go, no.

And he goes, yeah, he comes back around again. Go, what the fuck is that guy doing? And he picked up on it. And he goes, let's get out of here. We both got on our cars and left. But it was weird. It was like, why is that guy making three, maybe recognize Joe? I don't know.

But either way, he picks up on shit I would never see. See, I don't, I'm the opposite. Like, if Hiroshima happened. Yeah. Hundreds of years later, my nuclear shadow would just be me sitting like, this. You know what I mean? People are running, you know,

a bomb or whatever. And I'll just be like this. Yeah. And then like hundreds of years, scientists would look at like a wall. Didn't you get robbed? What the fuck is this guy doing? Did he get tackled from behind in Cape Town?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got robbed. I got robbed. You were like, you didn't hear that. During the day at 2 p.m. And somebody just tackled two guys. Gunpoint. No.

But they tackled me. They grabbed my stuff. Let's rob them. Let's rob them with our bear open hands. Yeah. What's he going to do? And I just laid there like this. And then they left, I still laid there. And you just let them rifle through your pockets?

Yeah. And then... He was so scared. And the Ian bag was across the street and he didn't help me. He was just watching and laughing. Yeah, he's Canadian. They're weak. Also, comics don't give a shit about each other.

Really, comics are such solitary creatures. Right, right. Like, they don't help each other. Would you help me? I would. Are you being lying? I would, too. I would throw a rock or something nearby at their heads.

That's what I would do. I would stay. I would stay. Yeah, I really would. You're the kind of guy. It jumps in. Yeah. You're crazy.

There was a bar room brawl a few weeks ago that started because of me. Because somebody was talking to me and getting a little aggressive and the people I was with jumped up. And I hardly knew these people. They just came over to talk to me because they were fans. And I guess I had met him a couple times. But they jumped up and started to fight this guy. And then everyone in the bar started fighting. Girls were taking chairs.

It was a full-on bar room brawls. And I jumped in. And I was trying to pull people off. And then I just came up with the phrase, the police are here. The police are here. That's a good idea. Yeah. They weren't.

I don't. Do you know, Steve Howie? I love Steve. So Steve, Steve's a big, strong guy. About 240, 6'4, and he's not really hearing a peep out of anybody. Steve's, I love him because he's a giant man with almost like a small man's intensity. Hilarious. And hard as a rock.

Because you can have muscles, but they have to be rock. Steve Howard. Bring up Steve Howrie. He's a beast. He's on that show. He's on that show with the OMAHMACC called. Steve's a natural 240. Okay. And so, look at it.

Look at it. Yeah, he's a stud. He was on Reba. And he's as big and strong as it gets. Well, yeah. I mean, but take it look. There's some shots of him. You can tell by the shape of his head.

Yeah, yeah. They're down there. Look at him down there. He's 6.4. He's probably 250. That's, that's, yeah. Oh, my God. Look at that body.

Yeah. He's big and strong as shit. Oh, my God. you're trying to do to me. I know. I love it. Get you a little knick in the wheeze. His head, his head, all of our heads could fit in his head.

He's a giant man. Yeah, he's gorgeous. But so he came to see me do the stand-up at the improv. How do you know him? He's an actor. I work with him. Working out. Oh, he is?

Yeah. You said he was on. He's on a show call with William H. Macy right now. He's on shameless. He's on shameless. Yeah. Oh, he's the guy that sleeps with the, yeah. Yeah.

Steve's never stopped working. I gotta get him on the podcast. He's never stopped working. He's amazing. Anyway, he's married. Been married a long time. What is he doing with his hands in his pants right there? Being cool.

I was just being cool. There's pockets, man. No, no, no, no. No, he's being cool. But so, so check this out. So we're at the improv and his wife, he's been married a long time. These dudes, rough-looking guys, kind of good-looking table of guys. Like maybe four dudes, maybe five guys.

But they're big, they're athletic guys. And one guy just keeps looking back. Obviously, the kind of guy who's used to getting female. attention. And he keeps looking back at Steve's wife. And his wife's an actress. But he's given her the he's being a little disrespectfully. He's given her the up and down. And Steve Steve with his giant head, he's wearing an Argyle sweater vest. Right. And Steve, Steve looks at the guy and he goes,

and then the guy says something to his wife. Oh no. Like Steve goes, kidding me with this fucking guy? Something like that. And the guy doesn't hear him. and I clock all this. I got to go on stage. And then the guy says something like, where you from? To his wife. And Steve goes, hey, bro, you fucking stupid or something?

She's with me. And the guy goes, you got a fucking problem? And Steve stands up and the guy stands up. And Steve, again, is bigger, but he's with these other dudes. And they take notice. They're big. And Steve is doing this. Steve is literally standing there like this and he starts going and moving his tongue back and forth.

And he's weaving back and forth like a cobra. And he's going like this. And you can see that the four guys are going to beat him up, but somebody's going to lose an eye. Somebody's going to lose and somebody's going to be put in a conglom. Because he's just too big. He's the kind of guy that can clearly take a shitload of punishment. You know, he's just and he's crazy enough and he's definitely going to fight. So he's doing this weird cobra thing.

and I see disaster and I got to go up on stage. And these guys are scary, though. And I also know that these guys are athletic and they're not hearing a peep out of them either and they're going to jump. So I grab the dude and I go like this, they go, hey guys, guys, guys, guys, you see who he is? The guy that you're about to fight,

he is a homicide detective. And he's with the LAPD. And all his buddies are outside at the bar and they can't wait to arrest you. And they're all as big as he is. So if you guys want to fight a cop, a homicide detective, please do so. Please know also you'll be cuffed.

You'll be black and blue and you will spend the next five days in jail. I promise you. That's my promise to all of you. Whoa. Right away. Yeah. And they sat the fuck down. They apologized.

I have a question. I have a question. Yes. But that whole situation could have been diverted. Nope. I'll tell you how. How? All right?

So let's see. Let's say Kalila's right here. Kalila's right here, right? You're the guy. Say something to Kalila. Man, where are you from? And this is me. Yeah.

Hey. That's it. Oh, you would have just said hi? Oh, she would have said hi? No, I would have. Oh, and you would have just jumped in and go, how about me, guys? No, no, no, no, no. I would say this.

I'm just saying, Kalila's not, I already know that Kalila's not going to fuck this dude. Yeah. Unless he rapes are right than there. Is that her name? Kalila. Okay, Kalila. You met her before. I've worked with Kalila.

Yeah, you've worked with her before. But anyway, you've worked with her before. But anyway, he's not going to rape her right then and there or take her out. She's not going to hook up with him. So what's going to happen? So I would just go, I would just go, hi. Yeah. It's not solved.

No one's standing up. There's no lies going on with him. You saying hi. You saying hi is not really that interesting to that guy. He's a wolf. You know what? This is bullshit what you're saying to me right now. This fucking predator, fucking alpha male bullshit that you and Joe Rogan and all these guys do.

I'm a survivor too, okay? I'm a gatherer. You're a gather. Yes. We all do it differently. I'll go get the sticks and I'll make the claws. You go get the deer little baths and you go hunt, but my point is this, I'm going to eat the deer meat too. No, you're not.

And you're not. You'll have clogs. You be waiting with my food and I want your butt in the air. And I'll do that too. We get what? At the end of the day, I'm still alive. Well, we all survive differently. Here's how I do it.

Yeah. You said something with that story earlier. when if I get into a little bit of trouble, I start, if I'm really mad, I'll just, I'll take the person on, even if they're as big as Steve.

Yeah. Because I might be dead. I probably would be. Yeah. But he'd be blind. You would gouge his eyes out with their fingers? Oh, yeah,

yeah. And he'd be nutless. That is so, oh, he'd be nutless and blind. I'd take him and twist them off. I'd so. believe Andy. I didn't.

Seriously. You're in trouble. Scratch your eyes on, man. I've seen you drunk and I've seen your energy. Like you have a crazy amount of energy. Like where you're moving at such a pace where you would be such a handful of fight. Horrible. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, are you, what are you Irish? I don't know. I think a little bit. Yeah. You're such a mystery. I was adopted. Because you talk like you're kind of like you talk a bit.

Feminate. Yeah. But you're also like you also have three. kids and you're also you're complicated you're sexually seven you're sexually complicated okay you're sexually complicated you're a comedic genius and you're also but you're also kind of a hunter and a killer yeah oh wow he's everything dude look at you are and it's also the things that you've gone through i mean it's great that you're alive and you look the same it's amazing all the fucking shit that you've been through bro well i look up to you like i can't believe he has i can't remember i

seven, but I think it's 17. 15 years, sobriety. That's incredible. It's the first time you've ever said that. I've known you for fucking 20 years. But I love you. You know I love you. I know. I don't know if it's a lot. No, I really do love. It is incredible. It's virtually impossible.

Wait a minute. I have to ask you, do you really, is it 15 years? Now it's so fucking crazy. Nothing. Because I, before I said I lie all the time, there's just certain things that I don't lie about. This one is true. Why would I lie about that? Listen to me, okay? I embellaged stories. Just get this out there.

I don't give a fuck. Ching Chong, all right? It's just shit. Whatever, all right? You're so racist. I'm not racist. I'm not racist, dude. I'm telling you right now, dude.

Lamar Fergus, what was the guy that kid? The Barbaal? No, the guy that, a kid that died on the bike, he had Skittles. Yeah. What? In Florida, remember that guy? And then Trayvon Martin. Trayvon Marmar.

Trayvon Marmar. Trayvon Marmar. What? Poor kid. I cried a fucking healthy tear. Oh. Me too, actually. Look at that up.

His parents were very upset. He's very upset. But my point is Ching Chong. He gets that because we already have that kind of relationship that you would say racial things to me, right? Not really. I respect you so much, Bobby. Oh, my God. You just fuck.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, my God. What you just did to me right now is make me feel guilty. I'm sorry. And that's rare. And so what's your name again? Wait, wait. Chin, Chion.

Chin? Jin. Jin. I'm going to call you. gin from now on. Oh, gin, J. I am? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, it is chin, though. It is chin. Chin. I changed it when I was 18 to chin because

my friends couldn't really see. So it's really gin? Yeah. Well, I'll call you gin. I can say gin. He can say gin on the rocks. Oh! Fuck! There we are. Wait, so you're sober 15 years. Finish your thought.

It was good, gin on the rocks. I know. Off the cuff like that? Dude, you take improv or something, bro? Dude, don't be. This is my show. Have you put it on? Wait. What? 15 years, yes.

15 years? Yeah, yeah. So impressive. Why? He's so good. Because let me say something right now. It hasn't been an easy 15 years. No.

There have been many times, you know, it's so funny. Can I just say something about Brian? Yeah. Is that there was a time when I couldn't get a job. And I was noticeably depressed at the comedy store. So one day I'm just sitting there and Brian puts his arm around me because you were trying to uplift me. And you said to me,

Why do you take acting classes? I did, right? Because I wanted to get you jump starts. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I knew what you were trying to do. You were trying to uplift me. But I took it as you don't know how to act. No, that's not that.

Yeah, but that's how I took it and it went home and I almost relapsed. Oh, no. I was like, biting my nails. Like, oh, fuck. But did you take the classes? No. No, I just believe in doing anything to change things up sometimes. Yeah, that was good.

Because your life can be so fucking. Yeah, yeah. Even if things are really, really good, that's when you have to be careful. Because if shit's going super well, man, I think we're all used to a little bit of dysfunction. And if things are going really well, that's when I have to worry because I'll fuck it up. I'll take a risk. I would say one last thing you also did, which was made me go, I like Brian Callan. What I do.

I was standing outside the comedy store sitting there in the patio. I was with Natasha Legerro. I love her. Ari Schiafier walks by with a glass of ice and whips in her face. Shards of glass hits her face Oh my, why? Why would he do that? Because they used to date and she betrayed him.

It's very Shakespearean. Oh, wow. And so he had so much of rage. Yeah, he did it on purpose. That's horrible. Right, and you were the only guy to stand up and you got right in his face. What the fuck's your problem?

And I've never seen him that scared. He goes, I don't know you, dude. I don't know you, dude. I don't know you. You know, that was that kind of thing. You're a real man, dude. Well, I was good shit. I had to say something.

But you know what? In, to Ari's defense, I don't, I saw it, and I don't think Ari meant to throw it in her face. I think he meant to throw it in her direction. Yeah. And it hit her. He meant to throw it in his face. Probably the ice and then maybe the glass slipped. But also, Ari kind of, I think I realized that this was, this ran deep.

Yeah. Deep. Deep. And I talked to Natasha about it, I talked to him. And it was like, I was like, these are two good people that just had a moment. Keep it the living shit out of me during that time, three times in a row. I already beat you up. He kicked me in the face

45 fucking times where I was almost dead I almost died. Are you serious? Yeah, my eyes got all red and like blood I had internal bleeding in my skull

and I was going through convulsions and no one at the comedy store helped me up. What? I kind of got up and I go, I'm going to call the cops. That's what I mean by that's what I mean by

and they go no you're not. That's what I mean by comics don't come to the rescue. Remember David who has cerebral palsy? Oh yeah. Somebody made fun of him. This guy made fun of him. When you get that?

I don't know David. Let's check this out. David was a comic. He's a great guy. But he had cerebral palsy, so he kind of thoughts, and he walks. His acts a little shaky. Yeah, he walks a little. Oh, my God.

That's another good one. Actually, put that with a gin one. No, no, he was actually a very funny guy, but he had visible, he was visible. He had visible palsy. And this guy made fun of him. Stop for just a second. Whenever I see somebody with, this is a horrible joke, but I do it all the time. It's dark.

You know, they're just like going down the street like this. I'm like, oh, my. My God. That guy is fucking drunk in public. I'm going to call the fucking cops. That's so, you're a bad person. I don't say it to him. I say it to whoever I'm with from across the street.

And then you guys go fall in the car with your healthy bodies. And he's like, with your straight bodies. It's sad. It's sad. Yeah. Well, the problem with cerebral bodies, they're completely,

they're completely cognizant. You know what joke I do? Oh, look at Bobby now. You know what joke I do? You know what joke I do sometimes that never gets to laugh and I've been doing it since I was a kid. Yeah. If somebody honks, I go, excuse me, like a car? Like I farted.

And it never gets a laugh, right? I'm laughing. If you're like, I go, excuse me. It never gets a laugh. I've been doing since I was 12. I love stupid jokes like that. I love me too. That's why I love you.

Sorry, whoops, must be my breakfast. My buddy used to carry around, this, he's 10 years old. He'd carry around a fart, a little fart, hand fart thing. And he would go like that and he goes, ooh, you okay? And it never got off. Like, you'd be talking like girls, he'd go, you go, ooh, Brian, right? It's that black box, that electric one.

Yeah, that's a pretty real. No, this was something like a squeezy. That's all that thing. Yeah, the pink thing. But wait, you were in the middle of, I interrupted. So I, so this guy made fun of him. This guy like made fun of him, man. And my friend was really upset and he couldn't find a back because he, and he goes,

I go, what happened? And he goes, that guy was like, you know, making fun of me. Like, like, and I saw, you know, me. I saw Red. Yeah. And so I go, well, now I have to go fight this guy because he's a bad person. And he's at the comedy store, which is my spot. You can't come to my spot.

You can't make fun of a fucking good guy like this guy who happens to have cerebral. Davey Wester. Yes. That's his name. Well, yeah. With the guy. You're not allowed. Thank you.

I go, you're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to have to a comic. One of our own. He's a comic. He's got, you know, a situation. I was so, like, you can't believe people like that exist. But you can't believe they exist. So I'm like, all right.

So now I got. to get got an extract an apology otherwise he's he's gonna get you know some we're gonna do some stuff to him I walk up days with me and I don't realize that as I start walking all the other comics and they're all misfits like just

the misfits you know the misfits hang out they follow me so it's like the it's like the bar scene from Star Wars they all look like you know it's like they're just not the most they're a motley crew just a motley like what like the guys like what do you live what do you do for a living like nobody has any it's just a and I don't realize

that they're all following me. So as I'm walking, the word says, what do you say? What do you say? Word's spent. So as I get to the bar and this guy's sitting,

standing at the bar, I go, bro, I go, bro, you got a problem here, right? You got a problem, which is that you made fun of them. So you got something to say? I did something like that.

Yeah. And he turns and sees me. I'm not scary. Yeah. But I look back and literally every misfit from the country is just converging. I've never seen anybody

more afraid of my life. He goes, I was just joking around. I was just doing a kung fu thing and he thought I was and he came up with this whole story. All you have to do by the way is that with me because I don't want to fight. I just want you to give me any excuse to walk away. Like, ah, I was

talking to James Bond, whatever. I'll be like oh, that sounds like a good excuse and I'll walk away. But then we killed him anyway. We slew him. You did? Yeah, we slew him. You beat him up. We killed him. And then we drained the body of blood. We cut it up and we and we dumped it at sea so nobody could see.

So that's the one time I killed somebody. That's the story. That's the punchline. Where's your tear drop? Oh, fuck, I don't have a tear drop. Is the body? No, it's on your ball sack. How do you get rid of the body? I've thought about that.

Me too. I watch like snapped and stuff and people get caught because they don't know how to get rid of the body. So you can burn it, but they always seem to find shards of bone. Yeah, they find bones. A drop of comb. You have a tattoo of a drop of cum at the tip of your day. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

And you know why that's ironic? I don't drip. I shoot. Motherfuckers. Oh, you do? Heavy arcs. Heavy arcs of what I call glory. And when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I scream.

Heavy arcs of glory. That's what I say. Yeah. I've been masturbating so much that nothing really comes out even. Don't stop with your girlfriend. No, it's like a bison drop or something. Your dick goes. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And I was making love to collider the night. And, you know, you don't say that. Don't say making love. It annoys me. I had sexy times. And I was, you know, I'm about. You know how you go?

I always announce it. Yeah. I'm about to come. I make the girl announce it. I'd say, tell me when you're coming or about to come, because that makes me come. I can come right with them. I have that control. I can come right with them.

The timing's good. Yeah. You're welcome. So I roll over. Why did I say? You're welcome. Okay. So I roll over.

You know how you start jerking out to come, right? All right. I don't. I just, I just lock both hands behind. I'm my and I go, I go, have at it. You did that? Yep. Yep.

Yeah. This all belongs to you. Or I just say, for now. Congratulations. But in French, felicitation. Sorry, that's just personal shit. Yeah. I did that too.

You just got to, I gave you a flashlight into my dark bedroom. Go on. I just rolled over. No, after you did that, though. Mine's going to sound so sad. You jerk off? I jerk off. And I go, ah, I made the noise.

You know what I mean? Right? And literally nothing came out. And she was watching me the whole time. And then I turned, I go, sorry. As you get older, apparently as your prostate grows, the money shot goes away. Really? Yeah, I've been having trouble with my money shot.

I'm about to turn 52. I'm 50. Wow. You're in better shape. Because you don't drink at all, right? I mean, you know, I'll have a little wine. I'm into Japanese whiskey lately. I like this.

There's such a thing? Yeah. Oh, okay. And sake. High end sake. You're 50. Yeah, I'm literally about to be 52. And I want people to send me presents.

I feel a different. Danny, Andy, I feel a difference. Like, I feel tired more. Yeah. No, I don't. But you, as I've been growing older, I think you don't have to work as much, work out as much as you do. I think that's what it is. I agree.

So I think you have to do more things like bicycle riding. I play tennis, walking. And I box. Are you good at tennis? The boxing part is what I'm talking about. If you saw me play, you'd say I was good. You don't need to work out so much. You'd say I suck.

You don't think you have to work out as much as you used to. No, you don't. Like I now walk and bike and swim. Yeah. And I don't, I'm not tired and I sleep like a baby. I think, though, that I work out out of a deep sense of insecurity. Like, I have to be ready for the apocalypse. Yeah, and you just want to look good.

Less, I think as I really get deep into the psychology of it, I feel like I should be a vegetarian and just do yoga and I would probably feel better. Yeah. But no, I have to box and I have to do Olympic weightlifting. Somehow in my mind, first of all, I think I'm going to get big. That's never going to happen. Two, I feel like I'm going to be safer if I'm strong and I'm still fighting. It's all really sad stuff.

But it's not true. But look it up because I think you need to settle down. I'm feeling it instinctively. No, I do. He's settled down. He's got children. He's got a wife and everything. Nobody's just said he still works out.

He's still boxes and lifts Olympic weights. Yeah, but by the way, I love it so much, but I lift, like, I don't lift a lot of weight. I lift, I lift, the women there who train, they lift more weight than I do. What gym? I need a gym. It's the Venice Barbell Club. Yeah, I know. I'm more like Dumbel Club.

Don't. Don't, Andy. That's so mean. Seriously, this is my show. I don't get mad. Don't. Don't, Andy. But that's always been your thing.

Right, you're born. I think in high school, right, you were a thin, lean, probably, you know, fuck machine, correct? Were you? Yeah, wrestler. Right. I was on wrestling, but I've always been this guy. And this is my angle. You would have tried to dry on me.

I know you would have. Of course. You would have been like, bro, come here. As soon as I got you pinned, I'm just going to give a couple little gerations. Yep. Just a couple. Yep. I'm a senior year sophomore.

You want to be cool, kid? All right, Andy. Oh, no. That's weird. There it is. There it is, Andy. You can hear my coffee curgling. Yeah.

Is that how you fuck? No, no, I don't fuck like a jackrabbit. No, yeah, I get to that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you do? I have not fucked in a long time. Really? Why?

My last girlfriend. Two years, we met in rehab, and we had a horrible falling out. She ghosted me, and I'm not over it. It's been a year. You're not over it. No, and then she'll, she's so good at it. You damn. girls.

She will call me or email me. You know what ghosted it? Ghosted. I can't reach her. I can't see her Instagram. I can't email her. Can't call her. Can't anything.

But every two or three months, she'll give me a call. She'll FaceTime me so I can see her. And then she'll dangles. She just did a couple weeks ago. Like maybe even last week. She phaithed me. And I asked her, I got right to it.

And I said, can I just, Can I ask you one question? When you masturbate, do you think of me? And she went, she went, yes, damn it!

Exactly like that. She said, yes, damn it. And I don't know if she's telling the truth. She's not. No, no what I mean? She might be. Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy.

Andy, she's just doing that and she's fucking fucking with everything with your mind, you can no long, you got to disconnect. No, but hold on. Here's my question. This is getting deep. She's hot as long. Hold on. She's like, how old are you?

She's out of 23? Yeah, that's exactly her. Oh, my God. What does she do for a living? She doesn't want me to talk about her, but she works in politics in Washington, D.C. Okay, so can I ask you this question? She's like smart and all that. Can I ask you this question? Go ahead, but I shouldn't have been out. She's going to guz me for three years. Do you think that your need to feel, because that question speaks volumes? Because what that question really means is, am I still?

Do you think of me on your, am I still relevant to you? Yeah. So in other words. In a sexual way. Yeah. So do you think that you are actually, is it your attraction to her or is it your need to stay relevant and powerful still? Both, but it is her. But it's both because when I met her, I was, I told her you're barking up the wrong tree, girl.

Because I'm trying to just be with guys right now because you girls fuck me over. You do, especially in one. Are you born in guys or are you born in the girls or you don't know? I think girls. When I'm sober, it seems like girls. Like, I really want her back. I really, really do. I'm not kidding.

I haven't fucked in like a year. Yeah, but, but, but, but then you're drawn to a guy like Brendan. That's a long time. But you like Brendan

because he's a big, handsome son of him. That ain't gonna happen. But what is it about that that you like? It's like yin and yang and chin. It's chin and yang. It's like the opposite. It's like,

I want, look at like, she's perfect for me. Yeah. But then when I, when I'm with a man, I want the biggest and best. Really? Can I ask you a very personal question with a man? Do you want to bang him? Have him bang you?

No, nobody's ever fucked me. Oh, so you like to fuck. Oh, shit. So, so, so, so that's fascinating to me because I can't fathom being attracted to like that's such a fundamental difference. Your brain is complicated. It is and can I tell you something and I haven't talked about this anywhere. Yeah. So you feel safe with me. I appreciate that. It's a little weird, but I met this girl. And this might have happened to you guys, but I met a girl. I'm just going to cut right to it.

We went home and, and I, you know, I was fooling around with her and she had a dick. And I'm like, what? And I was, you know, I just was confused. And I kept playing with her tits that were not fake. They weren't implants. She took estrogen so they actually grew. So that's what got me. Because I'm kind of a tick guy.

So I was playing with her, just playing with her. I finally said, okay, let's go down here. What? And I was confused and I, and she stayed overnight and I was just confused all night. I'd go back and forth. And I can't do that again. You can't do it again. It's too complicated.

It's too much. That's too much. I can't do both that much. Did you, did you, did you suck the pee? No, I did it. And I didn't let her suck mine. No? No.

I was just touch. Have you, have you sucked pee before though? Of course. Okay. That's what my, there's a lot. Of course. That's my little thing I say on stage is I say. I'm not gay, but I have been known to chomp down on a schnick or doodle or toodle.

It's not going to. Yeah. And then I had this one I tried to write. Help me write this one. If I act gay and I sound gay and I look gay does not mean I'm a duck. I don't know. I said, help me right now. I act gay, if I look gay.

Just because I act gay, look gay, sound gay. talk walk gay doesn't mean i'm a duck yeah or the joke is you get it it doesn't mean i'm a duck but it does mean i fuck guys there we go that's just did it doesn't mean i'm a duck so you write jokes that's the difference i don't i can yes you can i come up with you're one of the funniest people on the planet but i tell stories no just sit and think i already told him about this like two months ago when i did this fucking podcast he yelled at him i go what the fuck are you talking about man yeah you can do it it's just his you can't be negative bro i I'm not negative.

I've tried to sit down and write. I know, but you think I write the way he does? His jokes are so weird that I can never write like him. I know. You know what I mean? He does this like fake cocky thing on stage, right? Don't say fake. It's not real.

No, it's real. No, it's real. He's been like this. I'm hard of stone. I'm 30 years since news radio. Yeah. You've been like this since you used to hang around Joe Rogan on the set. I was Joe Rogan.

Yeah. And you were fucking funny back then and you've always been playing. Bobby is so supportive of me. I love them. We're on love together. You guys? You guys? Love.

Yeah, we're on it together. I didn't know that. Yeah, he's on it more. We don't have scenes together, but... No, we did. The one time when I come in and you're having that part. And you know what in the scene? You know what he said?

Because my name is Truman in the show. You go, in the scene, he walks and he goes, hi, Bobby. And I go, what is an idiot? I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I'm TV. I play a reality.

I play a movie. And they go, cut. It's Truman. I go, oh, I'm sorry. He's my friend or something like that. I didn't, yeah. Did you guys watch any shows that you're, that you love? Oh, yeah, I do. I watched, um, what's the one?

Well, everybody watches stranger things, right? I don't like it. You know? I didn't speak to me. And I either did The Punisher. I watched some of that, did Brennan was talking about? I like the shameless from Manchester. The English one.

From Manchester? The real one. I say great. Yeah. No. I only watch, um, uh, it and afraid. Yeah.

I really like that show a lot. That's a fun one. And also, can I just say this, though? I think that I could be on that show. You don't watch GOT? What's that? Game of Thrones. Oh, that's my favorite, too.

Yeah. You like Game of Thrones? Yeah. It's so good, huh? I've never seen it. You never see it? People like him, it's weird. Sometimes when I watch girls,

you never seen it? It's weird. You watch girl shows? Yeah. Like, I loved Drop Dead Diva. Margaret Cho was on that. My friend April Bowl is on it. I was cast on it twice, but I couldn't make it.

Wow. It's all the way in Atlanta. Can I ask you something? Wait, you were castwise and you just didn't make it. Oh, God. I don't want to talk about it. I was having a bad ear. Handy.

Anyways, what were you going to say? Because of all the things that are going on now with the Kevin Spacey and these things like that, have you been editing your behavior? I feel like I've been editing mine. Yes. Yeah. I'll even take a girl's hand and go, you are so beautiful. I'm sorry. Am I allowed to do that?

Like, I just make it a little. joke, even with the slightest of touching, or anything yet. I was at the comedy store, and I usually grabbed this one guy's penis all the time. You know what I mean? I don't know if you. He's fine, because he grabs mine too. Which guy? I can't tell you.

But I went to go grab it, and then I went, I pulled away, and there was a sadness about it. Yeah. You know, because you can get in trouble. I think you can still be playful. And I think, you know, I just, you know, coming from the set, I was just on set with a bunch of cheerleaders.

young volleyball player, these gals. And I just think it comes down to, like, just respect and not being an asshole. Yeah. You're not going to, yeah, they're the rare crazy person. It's like, he touched my shoulder. But for the most part, I think that just don't be a dick. Like, I was listening to somebody who used to work on a certain show, I won't say what it is. And they were talking about how the men on that show were treating the women.

And the extras were being lined up there, like, get rid of her. She's not good looking. get rid of her her she's not going to like i've never done that in my like when i hear those stories and i hear about how a lot of women had to deal with that shit or how about the fact that it was just the order of the day that some some letch is going to fuck with you and it's going to be exhausting i don't i don't think you should have to deal with that shit no and so for me like in that sense as i think about that stuff i'm like i don't want to make anybody feel embarrassed humiliated or less powerful

because I'm a dude and she's hot and then she's got to deal with this shit all the time and she's at work I don't like that shit so maybe it's good you know a lot of the stuff I do think that innocent heads are going to roll I think sometimes like Louis C I think I think he's innocent well there's an overreaction I think

with Louis I don't know the all the situation but if you're going to jerk off in front of people you work with like they can leave the room they can say excuse yeah I think the fact whether he was blocking them I guess Right? No, it wasn't that. Are we going for more than an hour?

Because I have to pee so bad. We can pee. Let's take a pee. I want to talk about it. Let's take a pee break. Yeah, we'll do that. Yeah, let's take a pee break. Peep break.

All right, let's get back to it. So let's get back to Louis C.K. I've seen your penis. Wait, man. We're talking about Louis C.K. I'm a bad. No, my thing about that is just that if you are, if somebody works for you and you're a writer and you call them into the office and you go, do you might have a jerk off,

the person goes, um, If I say no, this is my boss, what happens? It's that weird situation. So then he jerks off and you go, that's really weird. I didn't know that they worked for him. Yeah. Oh. That would be some of the cases.

And he said, you know, I was in a position of power. So I was putting them in a position where they were yes didn't really mean anything. And that's where you get into the issue. Also, by the way, if you work with somebody, here's an idea. Just don't jerk off. It's like when you do a TV show, try not to have sex with the extras. You know, it's just not a good idea. I got in trouble once on the, the,

That show I did less than perfect. I would never do it now. All I did is say, good scene to one of the extras, and I slapped them on the butt. Yeah. Good. Good scene. Oh, my God.

Why'd you do that? That's just fun. Before all the shit came out. Yeah. Like, instead of good game, you know, good scene. Yeah. And I got in big trouble. My God.

I got sued. Oh, my God. I think about all the things as a young man, you don't know what your impact. is you're just trying to get laid. You're flirting. You're on set. When I was younger, I was reckless. You're trying to pick up a girl here. You're just like, you're like, I can do whatever I want.

That's our generation. Yeah. I wasn't trying to hurt anybody or theater. I was trying to get a date. Exactly. Yeah. And that's how I learned most of my dates are because I was a little bit aggressive. Right. And they would tell me I liked it and that's why I'm dating you. And I, sometimes I was on Mad TV and I had to get a lawyer because I farted in

Christa Flanagan's mouth. I had to get a lawyer and the lies. That's not sexual. And also on top of it, I did it for a laugh. You got suit? She was like, yeah, I had to get a lawyer and I had to go to an office. And then I had to take deposition and the whole fucking thing, dude. How did you get your asshole up to her mouth?

No, what happened was, here's the problem. I didn't know her. So this was the first day at work. I didn't know we hired a new actress on the show. Is Krista? What does that have to do with anything? I don't know. You didn't know.

So you're allowed to fart in the mouth. Who's married to Bill Lawrence? No. And she was sitting on the couch eating yogurt one morning during rehearsals. I didn't know that we had a new actress. So she was eating yogurt and it was so early. You know how you have to do six in the morning like we're ourselves and stuff? I was so tired.

I go and everyone was in the room, this rehearsal room. So I just grabbed the back of her head and I, and as she was eating yogurt, I farted in her mouth. Well, you can't do that. I know, but I did. Ever. And that's the problem. I did and that's the problem. And then I'll, I know.

But then what happened was I went home. home, I took a nap, and then I woke up, and I had like 20 messages. And they go, you got to get a lawyer. I go, why? And they go, you farted in Crystal Flanagan's mouth where you're eating yogurt. And I go, and what else did I do? Nothing else. Yeah.

And then so then a week later, I'm in an office. Yeah, and you didn't realize because you were being goofy. Right. So I'm in an H&R office, you know, and I, this is what happened. Somebody goes, and they had tape recorded it. And they go, tell us exactly what happened. I go, okay, I walk in. You're dead to rights?

Yeah, yeah. I walk in. Yeah, I'm, yeah, and I go, she was sitting there, and she opening her mouth. I grabbed the back of her head, and I farted. You're going to jail. And then you hear like a 20-second silence, and from the back of the room we hear, why? And I go, I don't know. And so then later that day...

You put on a little Asian accent when you're doing. Yeah, when I get scared, an Asian accent comes out. English is your second language. Because that's my defense. Yeah, you think people will sympathize with you. I just got here in the country. I don't know the rule. In China, we do that all the time.

That's a Chinese hello, you know what I mean? So, and then I ran into her on the lot. And I go, hey, I'm so sorry. And I gave her a $500 gift certificate to Burke Williams. That's appropriate. The seaweed wrap, the whole fucking thing. And then I go, hey, also, I had this popular character at the time. I wrote you on as a second lead.

You know, your first live. That's more, that's better than the massage place. Yeah, and then we became the best of friends. Good. Oh, good. And she dropped the lawsuit. Yeah. Fuck, yeah.

Smart of you. That was so smart. That I would, I can understand. That's like, you grabbed me by the back of there. And I do think that women in one way or another had to deal with weird shit like that at one point in another all the time. Like, they, like, I've talked to so many women who are not, like, hysterics. And, and they're like, they go, I've been dealing with that shit, like, forever.

You know, so, you know, it's the first time men have to deal with it. In comedy, you just, I just do things for the lamp. And sometimes I read the situation wrong. Yeah. I didn't, I had an audition with this. Well, comedy suffers with this hysteria. That's the one thing. Like, there's no more comedy in the workplace.

Yeah. Everybody's terrified to do anything. And that's a bomb. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It is.

I had this audition. And this director, he was an African-American guy, and he was fat. And I killed it. You know how you do a good audition? And then they go, stick around. Let me ask you some questions. You know that's when, why you got this fucking thing. Yeah.

So I was telling you's like, you're really good, man. You're perfect for this. And I was like, we're like laughing. And while we're laughing, he was fat. I go, fatty. Like that. Damn it. And he goes, and then it just changed the rule.

Oh. And then he was like, and he goes, thank you. Like that. And as I was walking out, I go, oh, man. He lost the job. Why did I do that? The accent turned back. I don't know why I did that.

Fatty. By the way, you know, you're in the moment, you're laughing, and then you do something that you would do to like Eric Griffin. To your friend. Or like Ralphie Mae or somebody. Or that's a form of self-sabotage, like subconsciously. You think so? Yeah.

I think that's what you did. Subconsciously you go, I've almost got this part. Got to ruin. I think I did that. Maybe. We all do that too. Just like the Pillsbury doughboy. We all do shit like that.

I've said things where I'm like, I can't believe I just did that. I know. Like I had a part for Sydney, who's the fucking director? He died of. Lamat. Lamat. No. The other one.

Pollock. Oh, yeah. And it was this huge campaign. And they brought me in. What did I do? Campaign. Yeah. It was a big Apple campaign or some shit.

Oh, right. Okay. And they wanted me. And I stayed up all night like an idiot and had. to sabotage myself, go in, and I was too tired to really, you know, hit all the details. Yeah. He wanted me to do little things. I would have killed it, but nah, had to ruin it.

It would have been worth a million dollars, but you know what? Did you do cocaine that night? No, but I believe that was the night I had an orgy. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was up until late. Yeah. That's your drug, by the way, sex. I know that about you. Oh, yeah, yeah, sex is.

Good looking dudes like you, though. Yeah. I had to work for my girls. Hard. I had to work, too. I don't think you have to... No, you don't have to work. You are.

You're getting better looking to. I see you, Delia, all these guys. Thank you. I had to put in a mass amounts of work. You know, I have to, like, do different... Nice dinners, different angles. So do I. Do the friend thing.

Listen to their stories, the whole thing. Oh, yeah. Can I tell you... This is the part that nobody talks about this, and I don't know if this has happened to you guys, but it's happened a number of times to me where I have been raped. by a girl.

I'm not kidding. This is one time. Is it funny for you? I don't know why that. I'm the victim. You're the victim, sorry. But I don't mind because I'm like, great. I'm not saying women should think like this, but like, oh, I'm attractive enough for this woman to rape me.

Either I'm drunk or usually I am. But in this one instance, the girl said, get behind me. and then she reached under and grabbed my dick from you know she was on her knees and she used my hard dick to just rub on herself yeah and then she was just put in a little little bit and then keep rubbing until she came and then she just jumped up and ran out and i'm like wait wait what about me and she ran out ran out she was done she used my dick like a that's interesting wow it's pretty hot though i think that's not but but it's not cool that's not right it's kind of rape she wouldn't ever let me stick it in all the way because her hand

was at the base. She was using it. She was using it. She was using it. No, you were like, you're like, oh, this is cool. Yeah. That's not raped then. Okay, fine.

It's fantastic. That's great. I love it. I had a girl. Well, then I've been raped. You know, that's rape. Yeah. I've had girls use me that way.

Yeah. I've had a larger girls get on top of me. And that kind of is rape because I'm so drunk. I can't move that. Did they, did they, did they, they just got on. No, I don't know. No, they got on top of me and just. Yeah.

I've eaten pussy when I didn't want to. Where I socially, I go, I have to. Haven't we all? Well, haven't you had sex? Haven't you had sex when you didn't want to? Yeah, I was in Indiana. I've had sex when I didn't want to, but I had, I didn't want to be rude. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What am I going to say? No. You're naked. It would be, as a guy. Yeah. You know, you're like, I'm not attracted to her. Feel obligatory.

I got to figure out. because I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I'm sure women do the same thing. You know that can I... Called regrettable sex. Yes. And by the way, the groping and licking that I have done, the majority of it, I'm not fucking around here. Yeah.

Is because I feel obligated. Like, if I don't, they're going to be mad. Yeah. I'm not kidding. Yeah. If I don't lick this person or give them a little... My girl was 300 pounds. Oh.

Okay. It was in Indiana. Yeah. Right. And Michael O'Connell said, you have to do it. Right? So I did it. Yeah.

And I, she goes... eat it down there. Oh. Right? And I went down there and it smelled like hot blood. Oh, that's a problem. Like curdled blood. That's an issue.

And it was like a fucking N-CIS scene. It was like, you know, like a homicide had gone off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fresh. Yeah. A fresh homicide. And there was a dead body there. Right. And I went down there and I held my breath because I didn't want to get in, like, inhale it.

Oh, that's a disaster. Yeah, it's a disaster. And I, but then once you start getting into it, it starts tasting normal. Yeah. Your nose gets used. Through the, through the salty. So you did get used to it. What?

I heard an expression, I think in the wonderful, the football fight, Juno Diaz, he said, the first time he went down on her, he was a young guy. The first time he went down on her, he said, she tasted like Heineken. That's cool. That's nice. The alcoholic, then, huh?

I was like, wow. That makes sense. She tasted like Heineken. I'm not going to get that curdled blood phrase. That is just, I didn't say curdled blood. Oh, I thought you said. I said hot blood.

But then you said curdled blood. He said curdled. I did. Second time, yeah. Yeah, you gotta know what you say, bro. Own what you say. You know what? I own what you say, cradled.

Maybe it didn't have to rewatch. Now, um, what? When you put your outfit on this morning. Go ahead. I love it. This is what I... This is why I came. Go ahead.

When you rolled out of bed and put those slippers on. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what is it? So, you can't be more comfortable than Bobby at this point. Okay. Well, my assistant. Number one. You guys are very similar.

Number one, can I just say something? That is a genius. This is a fucking podcast. Who gives a fuck, bro? Bro, you're on camera. I know. I didn't realize it. And also, at the end of the day,

you know, I'm here because I'm your friend. Dude, I would dress like that, but Shab won't have it. He actually fashion bullies me, and I just realize that. Because I would come in to flip-flops. He'd be like, bro, really? Who is that? It hurts him. Brendan.

Brandon's shop, dude. The boxer in the kid I love him The fighter He's a good dude Right You're an MMA fighter Yeah I'm a fighter

I do I do MMA Is this studio all just for you Or do other people come here? No just for us For real That's the other thing Brandon won't have This is all Brendan

Brennan will be like this We were at Fox And Brennan We were Oh I see the fighter The kid We had a studio We had a studio

And other people would use it And Brendan I see Brennan He's just He's got his arms Full of He's just looking at the Mikes

I go, what's up? He goes, other people using the studio. I go, I go, I go, so mad. I know, but whatever. And he goes, drives me nuts.

I like this. He's competitive. I like this. I like this. What the fuck is that? We had a guy coming into the mural. Yeah, I don't like that. This is cool.

What the fuck is that? Yeah. Hey, you fuckers, that's really good stuff. Did you paint that? Did you paint that? I like that. No. I like it.

I think it's good. Did you see Bobby Lee's Cross. What are you guys talking about? I don't have a hole? Do I have a hole? Do you have a hole? Bobby, you don't do any, you don't do a lot of working out? No, not, no.

Why not? Because I just, I don't have time for it in my life. What, that is the big, and I'm in big trouble. I'm in big physical trouble right now, dude. You have no idea what's going on with me. What's called? Tell us. I have, um, so I got a sick, I got sick a month ago, and then I couldn't hear.

Oh, okay. I went completely deaf in my right ear. Oh my God, you got so fat, the fat, the fat, was in your ears. I got sick. I didn't say fat. So you had inflammation or something? It was like an infection in my ear.

In both ears? No, just my right one. Okay. But it was cool when I went to sleep because I was sleep on my left ear. It was completely that silent. It was great. But then, you know?

Yeah. But then what happened was, you're not going to believe this. You're not going to fucking believe this. Go ahead. So I'm sleeping on my left ear and I couldn't hear on my right ear. Right.

And I was my last week of, the show that I was shooting No ABC I'm on an ABC show called Spilling Up Together Yeah And I had a 6 in the morning call time So I'm sleeping on my left ear And I hear

Hello In my house And I go what the fuck I wake up And I go to Kalaila I go I think there's someone in the house She goes there is So I pick up a stick I have a stick

Like I said stick it's a back scratcher thing I grabbed up They heard him Why? There's nothing else there Yeah A back scratch Careful or I'll scratch you

I swear to God And I walk in the living room It's a guy from The show Your alarm You didn't hear alarm The AD The second 80

It's fucking almost 10 Second AD Oh my And he goes Gate Whatever you're wearing now We're going I left in what I slept in

I'm walking to the car I'm so sorry Like that and I get to the set and they had to do everyone's coverage you know it's the biggest nightmare

you could ever fucking have to you've done that too for many times but I've only I've never done I don't know how he got into my house yeah because we don't leave it locked he was the problem solver he solved it

getting in the building I don't know how into the house that's one thing because I live in a condo you've been there and then I had to apologize to the executive producers I'm so sorry that's never happened before

And they're like, all right, but just don't let it happen again But it was like, oh my God, what a nightmare Did you tell me you're deafening? Yeah, I go, I can't hear like this, I still like this So then I went and got antibiotics And it's all cleared up and I can hear it. Okay, and that's so, but you're fine now. No, no.

And then I had stroke level high blood pressure. Oh. They go, you could, you could have a stroke at any minute. Do you eat crappy? Yeah. All you need to do is start walking. Now he's going to make me mad. I eat donuts all the time.

Hold on. Hold on. I had one yesterday. Are you on? So you're on medication now? Yeah, I have a blood pressure. Okay. So can you, like, are you just going to be a dick and not doing anything?

Or maybe you'll exercise it's better. I just fucking told you I'm on blood blood medication. Yeah, but will you eat better now? No. No, he's not going to. I try to. Now, I hate people who say. I hate you.

I hate people like you. I hate people like you. I'll judge you, put your finger on my face. Yeah. You know what I listen. I'm going to tell you something. right now. Eat better right now.

Let me say something right now. Come on, dude. Don't be a bitch. Work out and make some choices. All you have to is walk. Walk for an hour a day. Do a little lifting and fucking eat a little better. I'll walk with you.

You do no sugar. We can go around the Lake Hollywood. I ain't walking with you, bro. What's your problem? I'll tell you this right now. Let's stop. Stop. He's insulting.

No, no, no. I'm saying right now to you. Andy? What's wrong with you? Right. Andy Dick, dude. I ain't walking with you. you nowhere. Where? What's your problem?

No, this is my problem. I like you, dude. But let me tell you this right now, dude. Me not working with you nowhere. Hey, why are you talking that way now? Because I want to. All right, bro. Why? Why are you giving in the bullhorn? Why won't you walk into the woods? Bring the horns down.

I want to go walking. Bring the horns down. Bring the horns down. Why won't you go walk in the way? He's pointing a gun in me now. Brian. That'll never happen, friend. You don't put you, first you had the bull horns and then you put you turn into a gun. I'll go to a club with you. What is that?

I'll have dinner with you, but I ain't walking nowhere with you. Bro. You're fucking mine, bro. He gave you the horns and then the pistol. He gave you the horns and then the pistols. He just doesn't want to walk. It has nothing to do with me. No, you.

Why? I'll never walk with you. Why? I thought we were friends. I am your friend. I love you, dude. I really truly love you, dude. Why wouldn't you walk with you?

I walk down a busy street like on the Grove or through retreat promenon. Can I make you some money? Can I make you some money? Make me some money, bro. Why don't it two you bring. recording equipment, two mics go on your walk and call it, call the podcast, the walk. And whatever

happens on the walk, if you run into people, you interview them, talk about things, you call it. Well, there are other... He doesn't need it. He's got to be other people walking with us. Yeah, we'll do it on a busy street. Nah, man. I ain't doing that shit with you, man. Hey, bro! No, I love this guy. Fuck you, man. Get your fingers down.

I quit. I quit. I quit the podcast. I quit you right now, dude. Man, now you're giving him... You'd be fingers, too? I'm fucking... I fucking quit it. He gave you the four. He's got the six shooters out now Whatever you do don't point your dogs He doesn't need a podcast

He has a new show on ABC Is it out yet? In March Nice What do you play, bro? I play on Who told me it was funny You know so fucking rude

That you would even say something like that I meant Korean No no not What did you say? Chinese guy Let me say something right now man I have no accent in it There's no references to the me being Asian

I'm just a regular American Well that's not realistic then Why? I don't believe Asians should be in the business. Sorry, did I say that out loud? I just mean in front of the camera. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We should be directing.

Not in position as a power of you. Just be like the come for your stunt double. Yes. But you know what? But you know what? All jokes aside, I'm just really blessed right now, man. I know.

To be here. Can I ask you a question? question? Yeah. In 30 years, when you're 70, whatever the fuck. I'm not going to make it till then.

Okay, but if you do, what do you want to be doing? Well, I want to be, I want to be involved in video games still. Still?

So I'll be playing that, yeah. Oh, you mean playing them? Yeah, I play video games all the time. I don't move. I think that's the problem

what the doctor said, doctors, you don't move. That's a problem. And I always sit like this. You got to move. You know what I mean? And it's like,

you're like a Buddha. Whatever. A gay Buddha. You got to move, Fuck you, man. Hey, Hey, and we were like good friends.

I like this guy, I'm sorry, man. Yeah, I'm getting defensive for no fucking reason. His legs look like a butterfly. Call me gay budd. He looks like a butterfly.

His toenails are so wild. He looks like his legs are going to flap and so he's going to fly away. If he wore up footflops, his toenails would drag along the ground. You just hear every time I walk. Those are the longest nails I've ever seen.

Yeah, well, no. Andy, what do you want to be doing when you're 70? Besides banging guys and girls? I, that. Okay. I really would like to have my.

sex life be intact and very active all the way up to 100. Okay. But I thought about Dick Van Dyke this morning. Two things I thought about this morning when I was meditating. One of them is Dick Van Dyke, he had a drinking problem, cleaned up, and then he started doing, what was it called? What was that detective show called? Murder.

What was it called? Murder she wrote? No. But that's another one, Angela Lansbury. Later on, Ironside? No. Later on in life when he's like. 70, he's still acting.

Yes, he was. And he's not drinking anymore. And then I thought about him on that show. But the other thing I thought about was you. I thought about you, and I've never seen you with long hair. I don't know why I thought about it. I think I was thinking about my gray hair. I don't look good with long hair.

I was thinking it does it turn into like an afro? Yeah, it's terrible. That would be so cool. It doesn't good. No, it looks bad. It looks like shit. It grows up and breaks off. I think it's called Murder 101.

I wish I had hair like Isaac. He's got good hair. Diagnosis murder. You remember that. Diagnosis. I read the books. Dick Fendi. I want to, I'll be honest with you.

At 70, I want to feel like I'm still relevant. You will be. No, because, you know, I saw a documentary. You're coming into your own right now. I saw a documentary about Bing Crosby. And when he was like 70, a kid walked up to him and said, didn't you used to be Bing Crosby? Oh, my God. And it shattered his heart.

He was a bad guy. You know that? He was? A real piece of shit. No, not the documentary. He was a guy. He treated his children. Both his sons committed suicide.

He treated his sons like shit, I believe. They committed suicide. Yeah, look that up. Make sure I'm right. Hey, real quick. Brian, do you dye your hair? No. So you don't have gray hair like me?

I've never died my hair. Yeah, I die this part of my beard, but I've never died this one. You have a little gray hair. Yeah, I've never died my hair. Okay. I used to because my girlfriend made me. And I was, this morning, I was thinking of your hair because I was thinking of mind thinking maybe I should go back to dying it.

Yeah, Bing Crosby's son, Dennis, and their parents. Two of them? So just one, apparently. What did Bing Crosby die of? Right up there? Just hate. His first wife? Yeah, right there. Hold on. Heart attack.

Okay. Yeah, I think Dixie Lee committed to her. His wife and his son. Oh, my God. What a sad life on? He used to be the... Yeah, two of his sons committed two of the size. He used to be the biggest star. Do you know that?

Oh, yeah. He used to be, like, bigger than, like, Whitney Houston or Madonna or Yeah, yeah, for sure. It's so awful. Both the two sons come into his eye, but he was apparently a terrible father. Like awful, abusive.

I don't know. And then disown them and all that. But I don't know. I was, I'm not hit. We don't know. We don't know. You're right. It seems like a good guy in the documentary.

I live with all my kids. All of them and my stepkids. I'm the only adult supposed adult in the house. Whenever I meet your kids, like I met your kids and they go, oh, I'm Andy Dick's daughter or son. I always go, wow, that's, not what I thought it would turn out

to be like. You're so good people. No, no. I think you're, no, no, no. No, no. No, but I know you mean. It's because the mom's. No, you're a great, you're a great guy.

But they're not, you know, I never hit him and I never yell at them. Yeah, they're just really good kids. You're also very loving. You're a really good. You're a loving guy. That's what I'm saying. No, Andy, you're, there's a

angry about. You're almost, you're almost, you're, not loving to this guy. Yeah, you're a special guy. That's bullshit. You're great. You have your team. He asked me if I was autistic on my periscope this morning.

I think I'm in the spectrum. I really. Yeah, but you're also fucking hilarious. You've been working forever. 30 years. And you are, but you like drinking. I love that. When you drink, you get great.

Are you not sober right now? No, I'm sober. You are? How long? How long? How long? I don't, I have it on my app. I don't like looking at it because it disappoints me.

But more than a week? Yeah. It's like a month or so. I don't want to look because it's, I know. I just, can I just say, because I'm sober, I've been, I know Andy, like, I, I, I, I, I, I want Andy to be sober. And when he goes out and I hear when he goes out, it fucking breaks my fucking heart. Every fucking time.

Why are you guys doing that? Because I, this is when I'm, I'll tell you why, because, you know, tequendo. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so you're, are you a master? Yeah, I am. Okay.

I was born with it. You know what I mean? Only Taekwondo, because that's Korean. I know. No, this is the only move I know. You don't study Kung Fu or Karate? I don't know. I'm just asking.

But my point is, is this, is that I just, I want you to stay in it. Can't you take a drug that helps with drinking and makes you not want to drink? No, I, no. No. You have. Yeah. Yeah. There's a new rehab in Venice near here where they use marijuana.

You're allowed to smoke or take edibles. That's good. I don't want to do that. No, no. I don't do that's going to work. Yeah, you can't. Chan, let's go to some current events. Sure.

Oh, yeah. How long is this goddamn podcast? We're almost done. You have to be. I have to be on a plane. Where are you going? Do you stand-up? Chicago?

Sean, I do it every year. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It's my favorite. Dude, at least he said, go watch. How much do you make in a weekend, both of you? What do you make in Schaumburg? How many zeros? 10 grand, $100,000?

No. In Scha, I'll be honest. In Schaubberg, I make about. I don't. I do pretty well. No, not 100 grand. 28,000, maybe. I don't make that much.

That's a lot. Do you make that much money? Yeah, ask them. Don't fucking tell me. Ask them. Well, you should tell him. Ask Tony. You should tell Tony.

It'd be reasonable. I just had Bobby Lee on the show, and I want to make what he makes. You got to tell him. I'll tell you something right now. In Irvine and in Schaumburg, those are the only two clubs that I make that kind of money. We'll see how much I make this. I think right now, I think you'd be surprised because I think now, Because honestly, I just said this yesterday when I said I was going to do this.

She goes, that dude right now is absolutely killing it. You really are. The shit that you, this thing with fighter and the kids. This thing to fight on the kids, right? Really. And you and Brandon? Brandon. You guys really fucking.

Brandon friend. This is probably the best podcast right now going. Well, it's good. Is it number one? It's not. We got over 10 million downloads a month. Oh my fucking God. Fuck yeah.

And then I'm on the Goldberg. I do stand up. All right, guys. Well, can I plug mine real quick? If you kind of like what I'm doing. Tiger Belly. Tiger Belly. It's funny.

Thank you. What is that? It's my podcast. And we got to get you on. Oh, yeah, please too. After the new year. Because I saw you. Do you have any dates to plug stand-up wise?

Yeah. When does this air? Tomorrow? Oh, this weekend. Can I plug some stuff? Yes. I'm going to be. Go ahead.

Spin. That's why I don't fucking hike with you and shit, bro. Come on, bro. I thought you were done. I didn't know you had a laundry list of shit you're doing. This weekend I'm going to be in the Oxnard Levity Live. And because of the fires that went on, God bless you. And I hope my prayers are with you.

Oh, but you're not going to give them the money. I like that club, Oxnard. I like that. I thought you were going to say all the money is donating. Being real, I have my heart's out to you. That's a great club. But I'm keeping the money. But because of the fires and whatnot, I'm a little worried about the numbers.

So I want to say this, okay, I'm going to give you fire victims. Anyone that's involved in the fire after the show, I'm going to give you a hug. Okay. So you're as far as long as you're not charred. Thank you. Where are you going to be in? Well, later this afternoon, I'm going to be eating a salmon Caesar salad in my kitchen. Good, good, good, good.

Okay. And then I don't know what's up tomorrow, you know? You never know. I leave it up in the end. No, no, no, for real. All I've been doing, because I'm, as I coined the phrase, gray listed. Because I'm not blacklisted. I'm getting little offers here and there. You're in a holding pattern. Exactly. They literally say, just stay put. And what happened? Because I got pushed down. My groping and licking. No, no. My groping and licking is just not that relevant. It almost made me mad. Like, wait, I want to be number one. I want to be, I want to be the rapist pedophile. Like, I'm going. all these other people that pushed me down. There's a long line now. Now I'm not even on the list anymore, which is weird. But I've been on blast for 30 years. So I'm used to it.

When all these things came in, I'm like, this is great. This is great. This is the best thing ever for me. Andy's harmless. Andy, like nobody was like, you're not a predator. Yeah, but, you know, I've had so many lawsuits and shit. Have you?

Yeah. How do you deal with lawsuits? I'm always like, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. I probably did lick your face or whatever. And I, you know, and I just paid. Yeah. It's horrible.

You paid. Yeah. How much do you think you've paid? Not a lot. Not a lot, yeah. Like a hundred grand. Well, it'd be here and here and here and here and here. But, yeah, at least a hundred grand, I think.

But a lot of different people. Fuck. So stressful. But little weird things like farting in someone's mouth, things like that. Yeah. Like you got out of it. You gave her Burke Williams gift certificate. Yeah, yeah.

I wish I could have thought of it. And you've got a friend out of it. And you made a best friend. And I honestly, my, from here on out, I'm living a Christian life. I can't believe you're going to feel of Jesus. I'm not grabbing no more genitals. Me either. I'm not.

And I want to say this about a Christian life. If you don't accept Jesus in your heart, do me a favor and hold your hand in a fire. And just know that that's what you'll deal with for eternity. Okay. Now, wait, but I didn't finish. So because I'm gray listed, I've been doing periscope. because I found out that Periscope pays, you know, if you have a certain amount of what's called stars.

You have to have so many hearts that turn into stars. And I have them, you know, they're just pouring in. And I'm making a very little. I can actually buy that salmon Caesar salad that I'm going to have later today. I'll have to beg you guys to take me out to lunch. Thank you. And then Tim Sabian from Howard Stern. He was his producer for the whole time.

He made Howard. Quit a year ago. He called me two days ago. And he is offering me some. something at Twitch.tv. Have you heard of that? It's the gaming thing. But they're expanding, I guess, Amazon bought Twitch. And you guys should look into it because they want to do real programming, like talk shows and stuff like this. Oh, wow. You don't need, you have ABC, which is Disney. You know what? I get one job and now you're rubbing in my face guys. No, it's such a good thing.

And I hope it goes forever, like at least five years because you'll be set. You don't buy a piece of property. You don't think of it. I heard it's good. Twitch is awesome. I do. No, it is. No, I'm talking about ABC. No, I'm saying Twitch is good. Wait, are you saying this Twitch TV thing ain't going to work? Let's go to the time. As you're doing that, I'm going, let's go to the top Google topics.

Go ahead. Go do it. Come on, I got to go. The first one, Keaton Jones, the kid that's making, he's going viral like crazy because of the bullying stuff. Did you hear about that guy? So it was all a lie. Oh, no, no, it's not a lie. No, no.

But it turns out that his mom might be racist. Yeah. Well, why? She has a Confederate flag. That's very common in the South. That doesn't mean she's... So there's more to it, though. Oh.

Well, yeah, the Confederate flag, she said the same thing. She did it more for like irony and she posted... She's in hiding now, by the way. Is that the mom? That's not the mom. Yeah, this is what she posted on that Confederate flag post. That's her down there. You aren't bleeding.

Andy, you read it. If you aren't bleeding, no bones are sticking out and you can breathe. Stop crying. For the love, some... I think she means, for the love of God, some folks clearly never picked a switch. And before you all start talking to me about metaphorical, emotional, financial, or historical blood and brokenness, don't. Join a group. So this was after she posted right after the Charlottesville stuff.

That's why they're connecting it to. And just recently. If you aren't bleeding, no bones are sticking out and you can breathe. I mean, I don't really, you know what, I mean, all right. But because of that, the donations, it was actually an Asian guy made a GoFundMe page dedicated to the kid to Save a Versed College Fund.

And then it got up to like 60,000 whatever, and then they stopped it as soon as this stuff came out. She made a lot of money at least. No, she didn't get it yet. So she's not even connected to it. Oh, the GoFundMe people stopped it. Yeah. The guy that made it and the GoFundMe people stopped it.

So they can investigate it. And then today it came out that his dad was actually a white supremacist, but he's like a long-lost dad. He hasn't been there for years. Yeah, he looks like one. I mean, he's yeah, that's, area and pride. Oh, I know,

but that's his dad that he doesn't talk to and, you know, the whole thing sucks. What does that say, Bree? I have nothing to do with this boy. It has not to do with this boy. White purebree. At least he's got a great body. All right. You're a purebree, bro? Okay. I love guys like that. Either way, though,

this has nothing to do. The kid gets bullied. I feel bad for him. That's what they're saying. So the guy that made the go-fund me, said, this is not about the mom, not about anything else. This is for the kid. So most likely the kid will get the money. I'm a little afraid of this. Let's move on to the next one. Well, they'll come and they'll find us. There's a woman that screamed on a plane recently.

Yep. I remember that. Portland, Sacramento. I saw this. She was, she went ballistic. She went real ballistic. Let's turn it up. Listen to what she is.

I have a destination for myself. I need to go. Hold on. Cut it off like that. No, no. No, this thing's finicky. Listen. So she...

I don't... If we don't fucking land! I will fucking kill everybody on this fucking plague. I will kill everybody on this fucking plague. Oh, my God. She's... Southwest, right? Yeah.

She's in jail. Yeah, you're going to be in jail for that. She's just having a moment. Some people freak out. She had it because she had anxiety from... She needed to smoke. They kicked her off for smoking, kicked out of the bathroom. Because she tampered with the smoke detector.

And then she was trying to smoke. And they said, you can't do it. And then took it to her seat. She freaked out. And she said later on, that's not her. She was freaking out from anxiety. And she needed to smoke. So she was like, if we're not letting me know, I'm going to kill them.

And from jail, she said, I don't know. It wasn't me. You know what I do on the plane? I vape. On the plane? Yeah. I vape on the plane and no one never says anything. Can we do the already laying one?

People, because they're asking. Isn't that old news? I just saw already. I think he's better. Then do the dad kicking the toddler? No. Okay. Oh, man.

What? Oh, my God. He didn't see this? He snorted, uh, I think he's Joey Diaz now. No, he snorted glass by accident and his nose got off. No, no, no. He had surgery. He had surgery.

So he missed the court appearance and that's why he was arrested. I love Artie, I feel. Why would he take him? I love him, too. Don't you love him? He's great. I love him. That's like, I don't know, that this doesn't like.

Arty's good people, man. What about? He's such a good. Well, that was a great podcast, huh? No, I want to see the dad kicking a toddler. You do really? No, he was probably just kicking him because he was like lying there, throwing a tangent. Well, I'm going to see how hard he's going on.

He gave him a nudge. Did he? Yeah. You saw it? Yeah. Oh, then never one. Oh, my God. Look at Howard.

Man, he looks. He's gotten old. All right. You've been on Howard a lot, right? Yeah. But then we had a big falling out. But I don't like him. I still like him.

I saw him at Ben Stiller's 50th party a couple of. years ago and Judd Appetowse said you got and he dragged me over to Howard and said just just apologize and I didn't know I'm like I'm so sorry I hope you know everything's water under the bridge and I really like you and I've always liked you and I'm just I'm sorry for whatever

I'm sorry I called you a peep beep nosed so are you dead? When did you do that? I was drunk I wasn't drunk I got into a I was drunk with rage on Greg Fitzsimmons show and Greg is good at

I'm pushing buttons. And I got all worked up. And I mean, oh, yeah, well, he's just a boop, boop, boop, boop. And did you, did he accept your apology? Well, he just kept saying this. He said it like three to five times. It's like, I'm just glad you're taking care of yourself. No, but I really want your good blessings.

And I, please, I really like you. And I'd love to do the show again or whatever you want. What can I do to make it up to you? I'm just glad you taken care of yourself. That's good answer. He didn't forgive you. No, he didn't at all. And I said, well, if that's the best I get from him,

that I got to live with it. Yeah. There you go. I like him. What am I going to do? I like, I was like grobbling. It's all right. You're honest.

Now, can we go for a walk, Bobby? Bobby, you're doing the, you're doing, let me tell you something right now, motherfucker. You're doing a podcast called The Walk with Andy Dick, and I'll make you do it. He'll pay for it. You'll produce it? Yeah, I'll be your producer.

You'll save my life? dude and if I produce it get ready for it to I need help honestly I just realized I need help yeah let's do it I really do need help and I don't want to die

it's too yeah Bobby just take action don't be a baby about things just small little actions don't go I don't want to die just like come on because of the things

like Ralphie guide you got here to do the podcast same idea do I look like Ralphie May though no but I don't want to die what's the next current event your buddy John Stamos at 54

oh no has his very first baby Yay, Johnny! He's such a handsome guy, and he's a nice guy. Yeah, John's great. Guys can have kids up into their 70s. Hell yeah. It's the girls that, you know, their womb drops to the floor or whatever.

That's right. It happens. I don't know. That's right. You know, the technical. That's going to be a cute baby. Yeah. How old is the woman, Caitlin?

Settle down. Well, that's perfect. Well done, sir. Well done. Well done. He did it right. Yes, he did. I should have waited.

Lots of money. Still got all his hair. Yep. plays with the beach boys. By the way, can play the piano, sing, and the drums like the best of them. John Samo's? Yeah.

He does a weekly thing at his house. Like as good as it gets. Oh, by the way, on Broadway, I mean, you know, he's... Yeah, he's great. People think he's just the guy from Full House. No. Yeah, the cute guy.

He can sing and he can dance. Like, yeah, they think he's the potsy, like from... Well, we gotta get John on the fucking podcast. Yeah, get him. Okay, next. Did you guys know, George Clooney,

gave 14 of his closest friends. a million dollars each. No, he did. No. He did. Yes. God damn, George. Invited into a surprise dinner and just, and they paid for their taxes for the year.

I love him. Oh, my God. That pisses. I wish I was. See, God. Dear God. Dear God, if you give me that, I'll give 20 friends a million dollars. Dear God, please let me be one of George Clooney's best friends.

We have different prayers. He paid back all the people that took care of him. Wow. That's what I want to do. Wow. I love George Clooney's. man. He's my favorite now. That's the best. I thought you were going to say the one that

happened, I think, yesterday, where on an airplane, him and his wife gave out headphones to everyone on the plane because there was a couple of crying twins. So he bought headphones and gave him all out to everyone. No. He gave him

out to first class. Only first class. No, first class. Oh, I didn't. Dude, he had them come to his house. They're all sitting there. There's a bag, a black designer luggage bag at each place setting at the table. They opened the bags. They found a million dollars and $20 bills. Get the fuck out of you.

Oh my God. Dude, that's who you're talking about cash. Wow. No taxes? Of course taxes. No, no. He said that he paid for the taxes for him. That's ridiculous.

Oh, my God. How much money does he have? Billions. Is this a hoax? It's not a hoax. No, no. He probably invested it well. And his money made way more money.

Wait, Gerber got one, too? What? Gerber doesn't need the money. Who's Gerber? Who's Gerber? Randy Gers, they owns the Mondra on all that. Oh. He's a Missinie Crawford's husband. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. By the way, he's awesome, man. He might be in financial hot water. You gotta love George Clooney. Oh, yeah. He's a class act. Yeah. I've hung out with him a couple times.

He would just be sitting at the bar, the, um, across from CBS, because he was doing his show there or something. He'd just be sitting there alone. And I would just saddle up next to him. You guys would talk? Yeah. He was super just nice, down-to-earth guy. Wow.

Yeah. Well, next. Dude, that's incredible. Wow. You do it too. I need money. You would do it. I think you would do it too.

You would. I want to, I want to, I want a million dollars. How can I become friends with him and do them a favor? All right, keep going. You want happy stories or messed up story? Let's hear one alternate, one messed up one now. One messed up. The Chinese.

Yes. This is the one I want. That's a bummer. Yeah. What happened to Chinese? He's like a Chinese daredevil. Oh, yeah. He filmed his own death like live stream.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I watched it, and I don't think he meant to die. No. He lost his grip. He lost his grip. And he died for doing a thing? He was doing a stunt.

That's his fault. To win $15,000 from like an unknown sponsor. He was trying to do pull-ups on the side of a building, 62 floors. You know what? He's not being Chinese. He didn't do the research. He wasn't diligent. No, he was really careful about his planning, but you know, he's did a few of them before.

It's going to happen, right? Yeah. Eventually, you're going to fucking fall. Oh, my God. All right. And he probably died before he hit the pavement of a heart attack. That's terrifying, though. Terrifying.

Oof. He's not really Chinese because we can walk on roofs and stuff. We, you're not Chinese. What does that mean? You're Korean. Well, no, like the cheese are crouching. No, you don't do that. You don't have Kung Fu powers.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, he's not really Asian because that's what I would have done. I'm going on a tree and I'm going on a rooftop. Bobby, you don't have Kung Fu powers. You don't have Kung Fu powers. Next, let's sign down a happy note. All right, happy note. This story.

Anana's donor bought every single toy at a certain goodwill and then put it in the malaria. Boring. Every single toy at a goodwill. What did he spend? 32 bucks? Yeah. All right, guys, come see me at the shopper. I want to thank two of the funniest people on the planet, Bobby Lee and Andy Dick, for coming and doing a fighter and a kid.

You guys are awesome. I'm going to go do some deadlifting and spike my testosterone. I'm going to go do ADR. Follow me on Periscope. Follow Andy on Periscope. What is your thing? It's just Andy Dick. Andy Dick.

Pariscope. Bobby, what you have? Tiger Belly? Bobby Lee Live. Wait, Bobby Lee Live on Twitter and Instagram and Bobby and then Tiger Belly. There it is. This is the fighter and a kid. We're out!