The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 321 BEST OF 2017

Episode Date: December 28, 2025

We take a look back at some of our favorite moments in 2017. Chris D'Elia, Bobby Lee, Judd Apatow, Will Sasso, Theo Von, Skylar Astin, Michael Rapaport and more, enjoy!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men. Can we stand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken. Chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Hmm. Kids got a piece on them. Peace on them.

Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the Onet Studios in Plyar, Vista, California, it is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. It doesn't matter. Sounds better when you say, live. We're not live.

We don't do live, man. And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. It's not like. Shut up. It's not live. Yeah. Chris Leah's got a car and he's got terrible shoes and he's eating oatmeal on the podcast.

How are you going to clown on some Jordan Air Force Ones? These are not. No, those aren't Air Force ones. Those are the original J's. It just bothers me that you guys give it. I hate that Chris does this. He goes, did we start? Yeah.

All right, what do you hate? You'll show me your shoes and you go, they're so dope. Yeah. Well, you're a grown man. You're 36, man. I'm young. You're 36. I'll let you know when I'm an adult.

How's that? Young he had heart. I'll let you know when I'm an adult. How's that? Look. I'm a kid, bro. I know. I'm just a little pup.

When do you think you'll grow up? I'm so young. We were talking before we got here. We were talking before, yeah, you're so young. It's like our friend Stevie, Brian goes, bro, he just spent all day on Instagram. They went to the gym. He's like 16-year-old girl. Stevie blew up.

Yeah, and he goes, and Brian goes, you know, at least he's young. He's not that young. And Stevie goes, I am 32. Not that young, bro. I would just pour myself into one thing. And before stand-up, it was it was jiu-jitsu, dude. I would do it for six years. and then before that it was working out, you know,

and I just didn't give a fuck about anything else. It's just one thing that I like doing, and then I just... You zoom in, you zero in on one thing. I'm not like that at all. I like doing everything. Yeah, you like the... Master none. Master none.

Don't say it. That's another thing I want to talk about is, and we were talking about this before we started recording, you used to be laid all the time. Yeah. And now you're not because you just changed that. I just changed. And that means that you're an even bigger asshole than I thought.

Yeah, because he realized what he does. No, because he was just being late and he could change it like that? Well, no, you're coming and make the joke. But I told him, it bothered him. I told him, I was like, do you hurt my feelings, man. I said, if you're going to be late, I don't want to do this. Yeah. Once I thought, once I went, oh, I'm hurting my friend.

I was like, I'm not going to do this. I go, I will never be late again. Oh, interesting. He hasn't been late. Yeah. You know what one of the things that he did once, we were at dinner. I think I probably told this maybe on another podcast, but we were at dinner. It was me, you, Josh Lawson, Will,

Basso and Craig Colchin, I think. Chad Colchin? Chad. Yeah, Chad Colton. And someone else. Yeah. And Tom Cruise. No, it wasn't Tom Cruise.

Brad Pitt. I hang up with those guys, so I always confuse them. Sounds like a nice thing. Okay, so anyway, yeah, it wasn't them. I don't know. Okay. So, and I had a set, and Chad and and Josh were like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if they ever see me do stand up.

So they're like, we want to come to the comedy story. You're going to comedy store? I say, yeah. I said, I got to go. I want to make sure I get on. so meet me at the comedy store so i left early and then all you all you guys went to go to the comedy store i get on i was like just so you know everyone's coming i was got him seats i get on stage i get off stage and i'm like where the fuck is everybody you guys weren't there and then and then

josh or chad i was talking and they were like hey uh yeah when are you coming and i was like when am what i was like you guys i was like you guys are supposed to meet me at the comedy store where the fuck are you guys and he says uh oh you um brian said you were going up at the improv and i was like what and you said brian said you were You changed it, and you were going to the improv. I fucked that up. I remember that. No, no, no, no.

Was Brian do a stand up there? No, yes. Oh, dirty. And he fucking just wanted. No, I actually think it was worse than that. He just wanted to be at the improv because he liked the hang there better. And everyone was like, he just lied to them and said, nah, Chris is doing it's set up at the improv. Let's go there.

And I was like, and I called him like this motherfucker. And he didn't even say hello. The first thing, because he knew, like, what he did was dick. Yeah. He picks up the phone and he says, you ruin the night. You fucking asshole, they wanted to see me to stand up. That is so dirty. I love doing shitty things of friends. That's fucked up.

I went to call Chris. I called him, and I get a text. He doesn't pick up the phone. And I get a text. And all it says is nah. Yep. That's what you're fucking deserve it. Motherfuck.

I was thinking about this other day, how special is the comedy store compared to other places? Now. Like just the five. Now. Well, I don't know any different. I don't know any different. I don't know any different. A long, dude. Sometimes it would be, now it's the hottest place in Los Angeles.

Rogan says it's like the 80s or the 90s. It's incredible. There's a renaissance going on. Dude, but compared to everyone, I mean, no, you're not, man. You know. But that's what they say? No, the comedy store press release always like, there's the top of the chain. There's no comedy show press release. No, but there's the lion and then there's all the rest of the animal kingdom.

You say like pound for pound. That's what they're saying about, they're calling the lion, the lion of comedy. You don't hear that? No. Hey, you don't hear that? Don't, no, you're not going to make me. I've heard a little chat online. You're not, fuck.

I've heard a little chat online. I don't even know about this Comedy Store press release. Dude, I'll tell you what. They are saying, though, they are like, and I've heard, they're like, they're like, they're, they're like, don't be a dick now. No, I'm not. I'm not trying to be a dick. I swear to God. What is they're saying?

This is legit shit. Okay. Apparently, when I go to the comedy store, people are, it's very fucking weird. I didn't get it for a long time, but they're handing me like footballs and shit. What is that? Why? I was like, I don't, I don't play sports or shit like that. weeks would go by and they'd be like they want you to sign them i was like you want me to sign

it they were like uh you go champ and i was like okay i don't want this shit i don't get it i thought it was a joke that somebody said on a podcast or whatever dude they're calling me the quarterback of the comedy yeah i didn't know that like the captain no that's bullshit i'm getting all these footballs it's no the quarter of the women were like no don't say that because they're calling me simba no no wow wow then um is it your new logo is that your new logo is an eagle right yeah because you're like an eagle yeah not a stark this is fucking i forgot to tell you this i was that uh i was in this meeting uh i was in this meeting it might you would know i was in this big meeting i was wearing your sweatshirt and it's like the ovio yeah yeah you guys i don't know

it's like the oviot yeah but it's not the owl it's eagle yeah and one guy is it a parrot yeah no it's a fucking eagle it's an eagle bro it's around stop saying parrot it's plump look like it's not plump But it looks like the OVO And the guy you can tell was like trying to be hip and cool The powerful dude goes Oh my son has that Drake sweatshirt shirt And I go no that would be cool And then the guy goes

I think it's a knockoff I hear him go I think he goes It's a knockoff And I'm like And I heard it I'm like no this is actually my boys Switch shirt

He's obviously just trying to fucking copy It's a joke He's mocking Drake's thing And that's how it starts So does Drake have an eagle on his shirt Or is it an owl An owl. Eagles are more gangster than Al.

So you kind of won up Drake, huh? I mean, I don't look at it like that, but... Chin, bring up Chris's sweatshirt, eagle sweatshirt. I want to just... I want to look at this because I think you need work on the bird. I feel like it's a parrot. Well, you're fucking wrong. Spell my name right.

But... I'm just messed up. I know, I know, I know, I know. Listen. Don't worry about the... How has it been going, Chris, the whole merch? Good. It's down there, the black one. Yeah, dude.

let me explain something no see that back go back that's not even me don't don't no middle hey don't talk fuck this guy don't that that that the problem is that that looks a lot like a macaw it literally here's not you say that does look like a parrot here's the thing no here's why you're saying that here's why you're saying that it's not why it's it's still which is the point and it's not like this joke that's the fucking joke you pieces of shit don't be that a good Gressive. It's a fucking eagle, obviously, and I won't stand for it.

So your artist drew a fucking parrot. It's not a big deal. It's an eagle dressed as a parrot. Is that fair? No, it's not fair. But it's a fucking eagle. It literally looks nothing like a parrot. And that's final.

That's a period of five per seagulls, yeah. Eagles have much. Beagles, that's what happens. Eagles have much bigger beaks, buddy. They're a lot bigger, yeah. They're bigger and they got bigger. You're actually. You're actually.

You're seen a bald eagle, sir? You're actually wrong. Can you bring a bald eagle first, chin? Also, what the fuck? Who are those people I'm taking pictures with? I don't know. Those be your fans, sir. Sparrant.

But what? What kind of shirt you wearing there? That's got flowers on it. I love that shirt. Look at your legs, huh? I'm not mad at that shirt. Look your legs. Your dick, though, you can see your dick pulled alongside.

God, you got a dick in that pig. Chris has got a dick. I've seen the dick. Does he? Yeah. Chris showed me his dick. Oh, no, we've seen the dick when he's doing the dick out when it was kind of half hard. We were doing 10-minute podcast.

And he goes, there you go. And I go, what the fuck? I didn't even know him that well. You just said, here you go. You can show a guy your dick when it's soft, but if you show your guy a dick when you got a chubby, now we got to be pretty good friends at this point. No, that's how it goes.

That's where you get comfortable. Then he goes, suck. No, no, no. You know what's Chris said? Oh, hey, look, just exactly like that fucking, look at that one on the buck. Well, Chris, look at how long. Chris, look at how long that.

No, it's not. And you're fucking look at how long. Your logo's heads two round. Nah, it's the same. Did you draw it yourself? No, what? Chris, look at how long the beak is. Look at how long the beak is.

And you have a stub beak on that. That's a parrot stub beak. Nah, you're wrong. Eagle has a long beak. You're wrong. It's literally exactly what it is. Hey, I love the shirt, man, but that's a period. No, it's not.

Look at a little. Why don't you look up a parrot now? Look up a parrot. Bring up a fucking parrot, Chin. This is... Parrot! Not O'Haret! Hey, you're being mean to Jen.

That's a fucking parrot. Stop talking to you like that. That is your shirt to a teen. No, it's not. The second one is. No, it's not. Your second line down, that green one. You parrot.

It's not. A parrot goes down. That's an eagle. And everyone fucking knows it. No, I don't know if they do. It looks. First of all, it's a small hawk. It's a, if anything, I'll give you, it's a tiny hawk.

Don't say small hawk. I want all those birds. Is your company called... I want to have all those birds. That's awesome. They are amazing. Look how beautiful they are. Yeah.

Is your company called small hawk? Shut the fuck up, Brian, you know. Look how beautiful they are. Dead. Seriously. They are. Look how beautiful creatures. Do you know that we're just saying shut up at the right time is the best, it's the best.

Ever. There's nothing better. Like, somebody, my buddy's dead. I'd be talking and getting excited and he go, what? Shut up. Ah, shut up. It stops you right away. Just shuts down everything.

Shut up. It might be the rudest thing you can ever say to somebody. Ah, shit. Shut up. Hey, January and February's pilot season, yeah? Hold on. You don't text while you're doing our podcast. Yeah, I do.

Dude, dude. I was texting, get me out of here. Call me with an emergency. Hey, hey, call me right now with the thinking. I sent it to so many people. Also, look at your shitty posture. Sit up. This place, man. Your trainer would appreciate this.

Sit up. I'll sit like this until I die. Hey, did you sit up? Hey, Chris, did your trainer have you on a diet too? Yeah, dude. But I ate so many fucking ice creams last night. Why? Wanted a.

Why? Wanted the. What kind of ice cream? You can't just do whatever you want. Yeah, you can, actually. Fucking cookies and ice cream sandwiches, bro. Wanted them. Wanted them.

Watted them. You went to sleep after that. Bam, and you look that. You still woke up skinny. I'm the fucking man, dude. You're, hey, man. I don't give a shit. I'll eat whatever the fuck I want.

No, no, no, no. Have respect for our audience. I die. I got respect for me. Dude, I got fucking ice cream sandwiches. I fucking was naked on my couch. Okay, look. I don't care, dude.

Did you watch it? I spilled stuff on my carpet. God damn it. Did you watch any sports? Nope. Why not? Didn't want to. You know what I watched?

How disrespectful is this? I watched 35 minutes of an episode of Luke Cage and then I turned it off. That's so disrespectful. It wasn't even from the beginning to 35. I started it in the middle and got almost to the end. Hey, man. Any part of any show I want and turn it off whenever I want. You have no respect.

No respect. I ate some of the ice cream sandwiches and I had other ones I could have put in the freezer. I left them out. Wow. I don't give a shit. The place made them. The post-based guy picked them up, brought them to me. I ate some of them.

They're still on my fucking coffee table. And I don't give a fuck. And there's some LaCroix on the carpet. You have to be respectful. No, I don't. You do? I don't. Why not?

Me. Okay, the first thing I want to say is... No, no. The first thing I want to say is... Get... What? Pick a shade, man. Pick a shade, man.

Pick a shade with that... It looks like a shitty Crayola. Hey, dude, why are you dressed like Chris Gaines, man? You know when Garth Brooks wears the two different colored shirts? Like, there'll be green here on one side and then black on one side. Yeah. You're doing it. I don't mean to open up the fucking, I don't mean to open up the show with a huge move like that, but.

No, he brought on itself. He put on that. I know. We did get that. Because it's, you look like an extra from American pie. No, it brings out. You do, dude. You look like an extra from American pie.

My shoulders. Dude, it looks What did you get? You got that for free. That's such a That's such a fucking I did get it for free. Look, man, don't bash up up.

That's such a hoodie you'd wear that you got for free. I would not buy that. You never bought that. Fucking shades off right now. No, Chris has is on that. You know why I got to wear these, dude? Some futures too bright.

See, I knew there was a real. You know that? Oh my God. Otherwise, I wouldn't have. have them on. But future's too bright. Did you see what I tweeted? It is bright. You see the picture I tweeted in the Instagram? Yeah, about

the black and white photo? The one I posted, yeah, that he posted hours ago? Yeah. Oh, bro. Hours ago? Hey, you know what's weird is that you posted it only hours after he posted it? Not days after he posted it. All right, well, I, that's

Hey, there's a new episode of Fighter and the Kid, right, when it comes out. Hey, there's a new episode of Fighter and the Kid. Six days ago, and there's already a new episode. Yeah, because I like to create a lag. Don't do that. Hey, Chris, that is the more. Hey, can I ask Chris a serious question, though? Yeah.

Hey, Chris. What's up? Do you think Brian fondled Chuck Liddell's balls last time in the groom? Oh, did he just power by him? Oh, dude, when we, when we, you fussed the whole vibe up. Dude, we were hanging out in a good time, a silly fucking Lucy Goose time. Yeah. Chuck Ladell walks in.

This guy. is a transformer and transformed into a fucking dick diver yeah a dick rider hold on let's no oh no is that are you used emotional oh hey hey hey oh everyone turns into a fighter jet but me i turn into a cock suck no hey hey hey roll out no no listen hold on he roll out he's my friend and we were like talking about training and sparring do no as soon as he walked then you go bro oh my god You don't look a day over 25. The whole room goes like this. He looked good.

He looks good, but, huh? He looks good, but except for, huh? What are you doing? Dude, you can do what you want. Sfri-cunch. It's a fuck me. But don't do it. Don't promote your shirt.

It's freakant. Don't, this is not. Congratulations. We're here. You're welcome because I have a podcast. Subscribe to my podcast. Congratulations. and I want you to unsubscribe

to anything, Brian. No, why don't you? Hey, I'm sorry. I want you. Call your fucking podcast is not, I'm not saying anything. Okay,

well, it's true. Huh? No. Chris, the future is bright, but my glasses are fogging off. You're right.

Take them off. Now you get to see inside. Soul. Oh, my God. Hey, you don't, there's not a lot of depth, bro. Come on.

What are you talking about? You, if I drew a fucking picture of your brain, coffee, hanging out with my sidekicks, and... Chicks, man. Lazy dick. Dude, all I think of... You got a lazy dick, man. All I think of... If we're all books there, Chris is a comic book.

Yeah. Is that fair to be? Well, dude, comic books sell a lot. You graphic novel. Okay. Dude, I'm the watchman. Okay. Am I the watchman?

No. If you were a superhero, what do you think? Seriously, what do you think you would be? The sloth? No, do you know what? I have a superpower. What? I can open up doors without even touching them at the grocery store.

How do you do that? Oh, Brian didn't get the joke. I get it. Oh, how do you do that, he says. I do it because my fans open the doors for me. Dude, your fans don't travel with you to Ralph. You've seen that. You know what my fans are?

And I'm not trying to be a dick to you. Dude, no, no, listen. But every time you say that, it's dick. No, no, but let me just explain what my fans are, and it's no big deal. And I don't give a shit. I don't even want to say this out loud because I don't care. But I'll say it just for argument's sake. Let's have a conversation.

So my fans are fans, what we would call fans for life, right? Now, hold on. It's just that there's, because I'm always evolving and always, like, challenging. Are you? This guy teaches me, teaches me. And then you, your fans are, as we know, and again, who cares. Who cares? All right, what?

Your fans are, some are not yet in high school and others are in high school, right? For the most part. Right? So what? Dude, and then those and those fans are incredibly fickle.

So Chris is great. They also refer themselves as babies. They call them themselves. You know what our fan bases? Can help. You know on our fan bases? What? T-Fat K.

Army. Dude, I don't give a fuck. Hey, don't be disrespectful. Hey, what? You wouldn't. that goddamn shirt. Don't do that face. Fuck.

Hey, Hey. Hey, Chris. Your chin disappeared when you went like that. No. Yeah, I can't even see you.

You're just all notes. Bro. Bro. Bro. You human bird. We are, we are fucking 20. We are 30.

We are 50 strong. Don't say we. Don't say we. Oh my God. You are babies, dude. Why are you babies? Because, dude,

fuck this alpha secretly beta shit. bro i got it all figured out man i'll do what i want and it'll be fine because you're nobody everyone's fine oh what we're gonna do fucking you know what i mean no no you're not saying anything yeah you say because we fucking you know what i mean no i don't bro how about this man you're not saying about this man what number one guest on fighter and the kid who dude people say fucking okay will sasso michael rap report yeah yeah Make way for fucking free conch

You can listen to Where you want to Hey, you showed me Your body yesterday Pretty damn good, right? No, I don't think so What? Okay

Did you see the cocky region? I didn't Oh, I saw his dick in the bathroom I leaned over and saw it No, but you gotta see it when it's 10 huts No, it's not, he swung it around Like a tassel I don't care

I don't watch my hands after I piss either I don't either Who does that? I've watched it be weird It's my dick Yep, I watch it before I touch my rod Exactly And then I don't touch

the door, I do elbow it. I do it with my dick. I go like this, and I pull it in. It is impressive. Thanks. The legend of Chris DeLeod, let's be honest,

the legend started on the fighting the kid. Because Ari Schaffer mentioned your dick about the comedy store. Listen to me. And then Brian chimed in about your dick. And Brian got gay about it. And it's fine.

And it's fine. No. It's fine. You heard about it, though. The mass has hit you up. But, but what I, but what I, but what sucks is,

um, Don't get your fit. When I get, when I get, when I, when I, when I get a boner, I faint a lot. Because of the blood has, I lose a lot of blood. I don't know about that. Yeah. I just go, you, oh, you are. Okay.

People are like, whoa, watch out. Is that a sundial? They go like, okay, no. You ain't sushi. Why were you there by yourself, Chris? Dude, I fucking, you know what I do? What? Not only do I, do I, do I not invite anyone.

I send a text out and I say, I'm getting sushi. No one's invited. And then I go by myself. You know why, dude? Because I fucking up here, bro. I have a blast. Wow. I got a fucking blast, bro.

Can you do that video? I have a blast. I have a blast. Dude, I just think anything I want. Nobody's there to fucking be like, oh, but also, fuck them. Dude, I just chill. I hang out. I have a good time.

And I eat sushi and I go like this. And I think about stuff. And it's a blast, dude. What do you think about? Like, seriously? Um, I think about, like, the people around. and if someone falls and that would be funny or like I'll think about something

I could talk about on stage or I think about my mom or I think about whatever I want. You don't worry really. Why would I worry? Why would I worry? You don't worry. Dude, no. You don't wake up with like anxiety sometimes? Yeah, sometimes I do.

About what? I don't know. And then I go like this. What am I anxious about? And then I go like this. And just go on with you. All of us, do you ever get anxious that it's going to end by some

weird thing as in like an accident or I think about weird shit yeah I guess so sure like dragons or something do you you know you know what yeah you worry you're like me well no I'm not like you well no I'm not like you're yeah you get like a spec you think you have stage five cancer I don't worry about that that's I worry more about like um like how long we're like keep selling like how long we're like keep coming up with material like you might just gonna like next month I'm like yeah nothing and then the road's over that happens all the time, especially after you shoot a special, then you go, I got to start all over again.

Am I going to, and how am I going to do it? Because you don't, I don't remember coming up with the shit. I know, no, do you ever do a bit? Sorry, I don't mean interrupt you. You ever do a bit? And then you're like, well, how the fuck did I come up with that? Did someone help me with that? That's what I mean.

Where did I get that from? Right. And how am I going to come up with new shit? Exactly. Like, that's what I mean. Do you feel that way? Yeah. Well, my last one, my last tour, I was doing that act for like a year and a half, two years.

And then afterwards, I was like, what the fuck do I do? And then I just started. But I just, that's why I constantly book shows and go on stage because I'm like, I'll keep, I'm not going to do the old shit. Yeah. And then I'll just do the, I'll do new shit, you know, even if it's not good. And then pretty soon it kind of like takes a life, takes on a life. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It forms on its own.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that is interesting. Like, you just kind of have to trust that it's going to happen. And it's true. You just keep doing it until something happened. Do you have any idea? You have Netflix done let you know how your special did, man.

I'm fine. No. I just know from like tweets and hilarious though You can get kind of gauge right from I mean well just Because you're your Twitter's And social media is going to be more of your fans

You know what I'm saying And you have a lot of them So you're like oh it's great but Yeah but you get new ones And people say oh I didn't know who you were Or um Or or you can tell because of your crowds get bigger You know

That makes sense Yeah for sure that's the big thing Like a special is everything these days right Well yeah I mean yeah Yeah And you look at it because like I watched Seinfeld's news special. I don't know if you watch it.

I didn't see it. It's fucking brilliant. It's old material. Yeah, yeah, I heard. Prove that. It's almost like a documentary too. No,

it's like stand up, but it shows like a quick clip of his childhood and he goes back. I got to see this. It shows like old stuff, but it's all his old material just to show that it's stood up over time. You know what they say is. Sorry.

But, um, but I watched that and then in the queue, it goes Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr, Chris Delia. That's where Netflix is just a beat. Oh,

right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, where oh, But you watched Chris Rock, check out Chris Delia. And when you get in that, because how big is Dave Chappelle and Jerry Seinfeld? People just keep clicking, dude.

Yeah, that's hilarious. God, he's similar to that and they watch that. I also think I fucked up my, the special, I don't know if fucked up is the right word, but when I, this one, this new one that came out, man on fire, which is on Netflix. I just said that. All right, man. I know we could watch it. Yeah, but don't.

No, I didn't actually even notice. I was looking at the camera. Oh, you. all right but okay it's on Netflix yeah thank you very much all right stream it doesn't matter but you fucked up on that one no uh on the incorrigible which is the one that was my second one which is right before man on fire on Netflix um you can um I think I started slow I put all the good shit at the end yeah you know and people don't have the attention yeah they don't I'll watch comics on there yeah it's like yeah I'll be 20 minutes into I'm like this is yeah they don't

So I opened Man on Fire with the stuff that I thought was the hardest hitting shit. That's smart. But that's also why Netflix, it's just people's attention span. Yeah. But that's why they're leaning, they're doing a lot more 30 minutes. Yeah, not even to mention my incorrigible was like an hour and 20 minutes over, over. Yeah. About an hour too long for me.

Yeah. But really. And the Man on Fire is 64 minutes or something like that? No, that's not what they're doing. I don't know. You know what? Actually, they are doing that because that's the dead rising, their ghosts, because they want to see it too. Chris, so...

Got out of that one. And now, Chris, when you do a Netflix special, do you sign a multi-term deal? We don't sign a multoy. We sign, maybe you could sign a multi-maltai, but you said multoi. So I don't think that's a thing. Hey, bro. He has a speech. That's so not cool.

That's so, fuck. That's so fucking rude, man. It only was with that one word? Yeah, and he never got help. No, it's certain words. Oh. He's working. Anyway, I speak for a living.

No, I don't, I didn't, but I guess you could, but. I don't think they do that, though. Do they? I don't know. They never, I never, was never an option for me. So it's just one, it, so if it doesn't do well, it's just one and done. They're like, all right, well, do you have any idea, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, if it doesn't do well, it's kind of a weird format because you do one.

I guess, yeah. And they can just do your next one with who. whoever granted they're the biggest show in town you're just like I'm going to go over here now yeah I mean I don't know I mean You don't fucking know You do you know I have two on there so it's good to have I think it's good to have two on there

And some guys have four or five on there I guess On Netflix? What doesn't Burr have four? Bill Burr probably Rogan has what three Two on there So I don't know but I I don't know if

I like before Netflix became What it became I always thought it was I was like, oh, it'd be cool to do one. Like, I did one for Comedy Central. And then the next one I did for Netflix. I was like, oh, I wonder where I'll do the next one. But then Netflix got so big that I was like, oh, you just got to be on Netflix.

You have to be on Netflix. They're the only game in town. To compete. I mean, I don't know. If, like, if Hulu would do them, but they don't do them. I would be willing to bet they started to get into it. I heard they were going to, but that was like a year and a half ago. They would, because they just won all those Emmys.

They beat Netflix, like, destroyed. They won more Emmys than any network. Really? And it's Hulu. So I would assume. And then Amazon, Facebook's doing a bunch of their stuff. What a time. What a time for TV. There's a lot of stuff.

There's so much to do. You know what? I feel like in B, you would know this too. I feel like Chris is starting to get more and more into act. And I feel like if acting takes up, you're done with comedy. Actually, I'm surprised you're not doing more acting. Do you actually feel that way? I love stand up.

No, I don't. Yeah, because you're not to both spoke up your eyes. You are a very good actor. You're a very good actor. Thank you. You know, I just slip in and out of characters. And it's like. And people don't even realize it's not.

No, you're doing this sort of cockney thing. Oh, that's what, you know, that's just what came to me. You know what I mean? You just jumped into it. No, but it's like, sploosh. Like, you know when you go into... You know when you're like hanging out like near a pool? And then all of a sudden you're like, I'm going to get in there.

Sploosh. Like, that's what happened with this character. Right. You know? It's not bad at all. And you're from the east of London? All over. Right.

There's an army brat, really. Oh, oh. That's super good. But you did a movie after you get... You can't see what the movie is? Well, no, it was called Life in a Year. I don't know if I'm allowed to say what I played, though. Really?

I can't wait to see it. God, I want to, I want to see it. Are you proud of it? Do you think it's good? I think so. I have no idea. Cry, like, do a scene. Okay.

Do it an emotional scene, ready? I don't know. I don't know what? You know what I mean? You know what I don't know. You know what I mean? You have to go overboard and crying. Most people think subtlety is really good.

So apologize. I'm a drug lord and apologize. I don't, I didn't mean. I didn't me do. I don't have your money. You know what I mean? Like that? Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. Right, right? Because I was going to kill you. I know. And then I felt pity. Yeah. God damn.

Did you take acting classes? I mean, obviously, you grew up in the business. I was a lot of classes. Yeah, he took a lot of acting classes. You took a lot of acting classes. And he took voice and dance.

I didn't take dance. I know it's hard to fucking. Well, tell, but. You took, you took voice. Does this answer your question? Do you remember when you and I tried to sing seriously?

Yeah, Yeah, yeah. And we start laughing so hard. That's a thing. Yeah. Well, that's what's Brian. Brian does that. Brian likes to relive the glory days.

That's all he has. He doesn't have bright future. That's not true. You've got a checkered past. Well, that's fucking true. In a bad way. I've got kids I don't know about. And if I find out, I'll ignore them anyway.

Yeah. Because I'm selfish. Fucking selfish. 50 unselfish. Who were we talking to? Brian did, oh, at my party with Rogan. We're talking about that time when you really thought you could sing. Like Brian was, he did like what, the comedy jam thing.

You know where comedians sing. Oh, yeah, goddamn comedy jam. Brian came back and goes, I mean, if I wanted to, I could be a singer. Do it. Right. I mean, obviously I could. But a little bit. Like, there's a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, but I would. I was excuse me? I know how hard it is. When you hear like Skyler Aston. You're like, Jesus. Oh, I know, forget it. Yeah, but that's a little, obviously, he's like Broadway and he can actually sing. Yeah.

Like, there's some guys where you hear him like, Brian's not bad. You know what like? You're like, it was like a 80s rock. Yeah. If you're singing mother, there's one note to it, I guess. I mean, I'm still not doing it, but you can kind of get by. Mama, you know what I mean? I just killed a mat.

Like I can do that. Yeah, I know. I know. I know. You sound like Freddie Mercury. I know. I know. It's stupid.

But, but, but, but, but, but, uh, I can't talk about a talent. Oh, my God. Don't ever sing very good. Yeah, dude. No, but, wait, what was I going to say shit? About singing? No, I don't know.

But, oh, yeah, no, I hate one. I talk about this on my podcast. Congratulations, subscribe, unsubscribe them. No. And subscribe to mine. No. And so, but they, uh, my mom thinks I can sing. And it bothers me so much.

She's like, she legit things you can see. Yeah, she's like, you could have been a singer. And it bothers me so much because it's so, it's like when somebody comes up to you and says, uh, oh, dude, people say I should do stand up. And it's like, turn round. Bye, bye. But parents are a little different. Like, I get this all the time.

My mom was just out there. She goes, I don't understand why you just don't audition for the new Batman. Right, right, right, right, right. Well, that's, yeah. Parents, I know, I know, I know. Batman? Yeah, people come up. Why don't you do SNL?

You don't know how it works. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Never thought of that. Yeah, yeah. The biggest pinnacle. You are somebody that could do that.

Yeah. Have you ever thought about SNL? Hey, bro. We're looking at our goddamn fans. I don't know that you would be happy doing that. Or M.J. Because you'd have to give up a lot of stand-up. So it becomes a problem.

Like, you know what I'm saying? So you could do. So if you do it a one-hour drama, okay, great. You better love it because you're there for 16 and 17 hours. Let me tell you something. I've always said this, too. like for my nightmare is to be like the sixth lead on a CSI show. Oh, my God.

Why would you ever take that? Because people do. Way ahead of you. Be in that guy? I think we got something. Oh, my God. It's so fucking right. In your trailer just like this.

That's my turn? And you can't tell you. Let me say this 19 times. I'm pulling it up right now. You're so fucking right. oh dude and you know who always gets that part the funky chick with the hair like this or a hipster guy like a nerd yeah or a guy that belongs in a Verizon commercial yes can you hear me now that's what that fucking guy is hey dude take a knife out dude I'm telling you I did I've done

every CSI I'd hang myself I've done every CSI right so really yeah I mean a guest star and and and uh and law and order and just I remember sitting there watching long order oh I've done all of I've done I've done an episode of something. Were you ever on the honeymooners? Were you in MASH? No. No? No.

Although, MASH would have been fun. I just want to say, I interrupted you. We just started a show. We have the great Bobby Lee from Saturday Night Live. No. Where is it? Nope.

The same piece of shit you were on. Hey, oh yeah, sorry. Long time, Mad TV. Don't go bad on Mad TV, guys. Well, people can see it with the YouTube video. You're literally sitting like word. about to do an intervention on you you're holding on to the couch sort of your hair is

way too long I'm small you're a subversive I can fall I can hurt myself and you're you're bundled up well I'm jealous I dig the hair I'm jealous so I have to put him like my hair thank you so much you're very funny excuse me you're your happy birthday by the way thank you you're 45 and I'm 50 I'm 45 it's weird wait until you turn 50 I looked in the mirror today and I went technically I might not make it I don't know

this is how you feel technically well I'll tell you what 50 does maybe even 45 is that I look the mirror and technically I've been on the planet for 50 years as of 15 minutes ago and my father just told me that and I thought to myself um if I die they go 50 year old man dies and people go yeah lived a good life you're like that was a good day it's a good stretch and even I yeah all the time everything's bonus now right and even I because you know I'll be sitting to the right or the left of Jesus yeah and when I'm sitting there probably yeah well when God makes Jesus move out of the way makes a sudden move out of the way

and fucking brushes the seat off and lets me sit while the angels are singing for he's a jolly good bellow for he's a jolly good bailo because you know they're going to die that's not happening sir dude you don't know and yeah all my sins yeah I have this joke where I have this

feeling like if I died right now God would have my entire life on one piece of paper like yeah like with the same look on his face that my dad had when he get my report card you know what I mean like you fucking or it would be like you as 50 years old trying to get into the hottest nightclub, him just

being like, I know, right, right. But if you were to go, you would still be really scared and depressed. You don't feel like you lived a long time. Like, I'm 45, people go, oh, it's a long time. I go, no, if I die right now, it'd be such a bummer. It'd be a bummer.

With Asians, too, it's like you can't tell at all. Well, that's crazy. Well, I don't want to. And can I just say that right? I've never seen a mutant Asian before to my right. Well, he's a giant. I never knew that they'd grown

that big. And he's not, he was born in a lab. Him and Yao Ming together. Yes. Right. And, uh... Chin is a giant man.

And I always thought that like, oh, dude, I'm 5'4, but I'm average height for Asian. Yeah. I'm fucking not. No. No, we got the Shrek of Koreans over here.

I know. As soon as I saw, so you guys should talk. Hangulamal. Oh, shit. Jokkama? Uh, nah.

No, no. Oh, damn. I just said I was a small people. No, he doesn't. I know he doesn't. Are you speak? Do you speak Flu and Korean?

As soon as I saw Bobby Lee at the comedy store I went, Hey, our producer's Korean And he goes, Oh yeah, you did say that.

Yeah, he goes, I don't go up there. I went, he has Han. I didn't know what to say. I could, I'm going to buy you on the,

on the open market. What? Yeah, I'm going to buy you on the open market. I don't give a shit because guess who's going to be my game, but don't get all emotion

about it and cry. Or do cry because I love fucking. fucking Korean boy tears on Madong. How's that sound? I'll be your game, but don't put me in that little chest thing. Because I don't want you to, how long are you going to be, I'm going to be in there.

Whatever, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You're at Mouin. Yeah. I don't suck dick or nothing. Of course you do. Of course you do.

Have you ever sucked a dick? No, I'm being real. You've been real. Have you ever sucked the dick? Open up for him, B. I mean, how do you define sucking the dick? No, like a piece. us in your mouth.

I mean, there was that time in college. Did you really? I went to a phase where I was gay. No, I never have, never had a dick in my life. Have you, Bobby? No. Bobby, wait a minute. Bobby, hold on. Hold on, sir.

Yeah, you know already. No, I don't. Yeah, I have. You have? Yeah. God, I love how honest you are. I'm not gay. I know you're not.

What happened? I mean, what set the, set the whole scenario. Well, when I was in high school, well, okay, when I was nine, I got molested by a guy with Down syndrome. don't laugh Brandon I'm not laughing why'd you laugh it's just

that's fucking rude it's such a curveball I know can I just say something I'm gonna say it again and if you smile I'm gonna leave okay okay okay but hold on if you smile

all right hold on that really fucking broke me no no no all right give me a second I swear to fucking God dude I know

I will leave Chin Chin Chin I'm not you can't make a joke and it's right that's his name that's not his name yeah what's your name again

Chin Chin Chin Chin all right give me a second and don't give me a second I just wasn't ready for that I understand I'm going to say it again and if you smile I'm going to leave

well don't all right hold on we can't threaten a smile all right just hold on no because then you're going to laugh

don't laugh don't laugh get serious bees opening up here when I was you ready don't cover your mouth though either

you can't cover your mouth God the thing is that I you know I'm telling you something that's like it's vulnerable about it and I'm expressing a truth to you.

Hey, dude, you got to get serious. And if you cover your mouth, I just feel like you're laughing. Nope, let's do it. All right. So when I was nine, I was brutally molested by. Okay. You can't say brutally. Why?

Because that's a curveball. Why is that? Because don't say curve. And look at chin now. It's not a curveball. Don't say brutally. You did add some adjectives there. So when I was nine years old,

every day for summer. You can't throw shit in there. Why? Because you fucking... I can't. Why can I? Every day for us. That's your problem.

I'm going to help. I'm just adding... I'm just adding more... Every day, you couldn't avoid them for God's safe. All right, hold on. Yeah. All right, go. All right, let's try it again.

Don't just... All right, how about this? How about this? I'm not going to add more information. The information that I have are on the table, you expect that, and I'm not going to add more. All right. Okay.

I'm ready. Hold on. Hold on. So, when I was nine years old, every day for a summer, I was brutally molested by a guy with Down syndrome. And I'm going to let a slide. That was pretty good. I'm not smiling.

That was really good. I'm not smiling. Yeah, yeah, that was really good. And I'll tell you why every day, is because he, okay, so I lived in Minnesota, people don't know. You did? Yeah, for eight years. That's land of the blonde giant. Yeah, I know.

And you were a dining in Minnesota, I lived. And there was a, you know, during the summers, there was like a field, but in the winter, it's like an ice skating rink. And there's a shack in this field. So there's a Zamboni. You know what a Zamboni is, right? It cleans the ice. It makes it all smooth. Yeah, right?

So during the summer, there was like a basquey. pretty big shack and there was a guy with Down syndrome that was that lived in it he was a man a grown man he was a man okay and he had candy on these rafters and he would lure kids in with the candy wow and he wouldn't like you couldn't suck his dick or anything like that

but he was like he would show his penis right and then like squeeze your ass it was like weird you know but like I didn't give a fuck about it I just wanted the candy what kind of candy we're talking like the one the dipping ones dipping dots I love those right yeah so every day and this is like This is connected to my addiction. I'm willing to do anything to get what I want.

That's interesting. Right? So even as a kid, it's like, I want the candy. All right, if this guy's going to suck this guy's dick, it's bad for me. Because a guy with Down syndrome's penis is different. Was it? Yeah. Did it look down?

I don't really remember, but it was, it was just like, it didn't look down, he says. These are legit. I don't know, man. That's not why they call them Down syndrome because... I want you to look at my face. I'm trying to figure this out. Don't play innocent. Don't play innocent.

That was a play on words. No, it was not. I'm for real curious. I don't want to talk. There are people who have children who are down. Let's not, let's not make fun. No, we're not making fun of it. We're not making fun of it.

We bring that to my attention like that. But I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor or a scientist, but no. It doesn't go down. So you did that for the dipping dots? Right. God damn, you went to the dipping dots.

How did you, you threw in dipping dots? That's why I thought he said the dipstick. We're all throwing things in here. Yeah, yeah. And so he was like, if you want that, suck this.

He didn't say it. He doesn't talk like that, but. Don't paraphrase it that way. Well, that's what happened in a nutshell. Right, so then check this out. So then that happened.

And then when I was 12, I started, my parents had, my dad is an alcoholic. And you have to have this refrigerator in the garage. And my mom used to stock. with liquor and so I just every night would go into the garage and just get drunk even before school. That's where alcoholism started, right? And then, um, really? Yeah. So then when I was 17, this actually happened. I was at a, I was at a recovery center called Ocean View Recovery Center.

It was in Oceanside, California. And they have this thing called knees to knees. So it's basically what you do is you sit in front of your parent and you touch knees on two chairs. But then all the other kids family they're around in a circle around you it's so embarrassing it's already embarrassed right my brother was there my brother was 14 at a time my mom was there my dad your brother can't wait to make fun of you no he does so check this out so

I'm knees to knees with my dad and I go yeah dad when I was nine I was molested by a guy with Down syndrome and then you can hear paws in the room and this is what my dad did he fucking laughed and then it made my brother laugh like my brother's like tears like

is coming down my brother's fake and then my mom started laughing and then I start laughing and they think that we're fucking just crazy but sometimes your dad probably didn't know what to do he's out of ammunition well he did what you did earlier yeah well it's it's such a curveball it's such a mind fuck yeah yeah

that you don't know what to do but laugh yeah yeah it does it's kind of like so anyway with the dicks that's not the dick though oh that wasn't that wasn't the dick no oh you didn't say they're down some guy's dick on the zamboni maybe maybe I may not, I don't know. Okay.

But then after that, after that, I'm not going to name names because I still talk to some of these guys. But, um, uh, fuck. You're worried about telling the story now. No, I'm going to do it. You don't have to say their names? I'm not going to say their names. I mean, I just had this dude. I had a good, no, I had a dude that, you know, a kid that was, like, popular.

And then, like, he would come in, and this is when I was drinking, like, at 12. He would spend the night. And then he would go, suck my dick and grab my head and make me suck his dick. Really? Yeah. How many times? you I don't like five or six times how old were you 12 huh and you would just do it well I mean I don't know if how good I mean I was just like it was a kind of like I don't know how to do I never

saw porn at the time right so I just I guess it's just like I made this face you know what I did this yeah and I didn't you know how you're supposed to wrap your lips around the penis no I don't no I know you don't well no I know you don't but I'm just saying you've seen porn before right yeah yeah so you've seen women give guys blow jobs Yes, sir. My favorite. I didn't do that. My favorite.

I think I just left a guy, jag at a gap. Yeah. So he felt nothing. Oh. But it was still in my mouth, I think. Right. That count. Five or six times, huh?

So you guys would grab an old cold brusky, then he'd grab your hair and make you suck his dick. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. You're gay. Do you please explain this conspiracy theory? It's not a conspiracy theory. It's well known.

What happened? So he's shouldn't the movie die. How did Bruce Lee die? Like, I don't know. Overdose? Aspirin. Right. To do that.

No, there was a squabble between the producer Simon Chow and he killed Bruce Lee. And then years, years later, he killed Brandon. Do you think that's complete bullshit? Yes, I do. I don't like the way you said that. Okay? It's not fucking bullshit. Okay?

I think so because I saw a whole documentary on Bruce Lee. Let me ask you something right now. They have, let me ask you something. Brendan, Fredden. And he laid down to the thing in my face. throat polyps. throat polyps. What that?

I know. You know what you said to me out there? What? I go Brendan Shan. What's his name? Shab. Shab. Shab.

Shab. Shab. Yeah, Shab. Brendan Shahn. He goes, I go, I'm filling him for Brendan Shahn. And then he goes, oh, I'm leaving. Do you not say that? Oh, because you have a crush on.

I love him. I'm in love with him. Who is it? Yeah, he's a beautiful man. Did he not be here because I was going to be here? No, he's in Syracuse doing stand-up. He's a Syracuse doing his... You know what they call him?

You know what we call Brennan? Hungry eyes. Because people who look at him have hungry eyes. You know what Ching Chong said to me when I came in here? Hey, it's... Whatever. That's so racist. I'm sorry.

But Ching Chong goes... You know, but... Remember, Tall Qing Chong said that, I missed you. And I felt really weird about it. Why? Because it was... like kind of creepy in a creepy way. You know what I mean?

Like we have some sort of like bond because we do. Just because you're Asian. You do. Are you both the same Asian? Yes. We are. You're Korean? How dare you, Bobby?

Why do we say? He's acting like he knows you. Do you guys know each other? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then how come you didn't know his name was Chin? Myané. Yeah, yeah.

I can't tell. Oh, yeah. You don't speak. I'm a little bit. Well, we don't. I'm go to no more chokomé. We don't speak it. I don't smoke?

Oh, let them speak. Yeah. Really good stuff, guys. Thanks, man. I've been masturbating so much that nothing really comes out even. I'll stop with your girlfriend. No, it's like a bison drop or something. Your dick goes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dick goes, and I was making love to collider there and I, you know. Oh, don't say that. Don't say making love and it annoys me. I had sexy times. And I was, you know, I'm about to, you know, I always announce it. I'm about to come.

I make the girl announce it. I'd say, tell me when you're coming or about to come, because that makes me come. I can come right with them. I have that control. I can come right with them. The timing's good. You're welcome.

So I roll over. Why did I say? You're welcome. So I roll over. You know how you start jerking out to come, right? All right. I don't. I just lock both hands behind my hand.

And I go, I go, Have at it. You did that? Yep. This all belongs to you. Or I just say, For now. Congratulations.

But in French, Felicitation. Sorry, that's just personal shit. Yeah. I did that too. You just got to, I gave you a flashlight

into my dark bedroom. Go on. I just rolled over. Now, after you did that, though, mine's going to sound so sad. You jerk off? I jerk off.

And I go, ah, I made the noise, you know what I? Ah, right? And literally, nothing came out and she was watching me the whole time. And then I turned out, sorry. It just

got a whole lot more talented in here. We got the one and only last year's guest of the year. I'm back to back. Let's just declare me 2017 guests of the year. Dude, it's going to be tough to be Bobby Lee. You brought the heat. I'll be all right. I'm pretty confident.

I'm pretty confident. And also it's the fighter and the kid but we're back to being Rappaport and the fighter because Brian Callan, the 50-year-old Brian Callan, couldn't make it. Run a little late. Let's call Brian Travolta. And we say the Travolta in serious fucking air.

Is he late? And let's remind the folks, you tell me if I'm wrong, with your Bobby Lee's and your other guys. Your Bobby Lee. What's the highest rated fighter in the kid episode ever? I'd have to look, but probably one with you on it. No, no, no, no, no. When I guest hosted... Oh, yes.

That was a big one. Not a big one. You would know, because that was like last year. That was last year, yeah. But ever. That was the biggest fighter and the kid episode ever. Of 2016. Well, you had to gone up.

Oh, yeah. Of course. Okay, so I'm pretty sure. Safe to say that the episode that Brian Callen wasn't there. It did well, yeah. Which makes you think like, this is like a fucking dead weight. And when this fuck boy, the 50-year-old. When the 50-year-old...

He can't go a 50-year-old fuck boy. Yeah, I can't. Fuck man. Fuck man. Fuck man on the other side of his life who shows up late for guests. See, that means that getting taken for granted. The other thing is we had to switch it, right? Like, uh, to 930.

Big fucking deal. No, I'm saying, I'm saying that we did that for you because I know you got a busy day. Right. And then he's saying, oh, I'm something with the Goldbergs. Callan, you're so full of shit. Who, who you're you... Kellick fucked up showing up. late today. It's okay. We're taking

the ratings are going to be higher. That's just a fucking fact. The ratings for the episode are going to be higher. And then when he comes to his show, we put him in the fucking guest seat. Yeah, we might have to. Like a little guest. Yeah, it might have to. We put him like, like, like, he's like the guy over there. He's the guy. And we're

like, we talk and be like, no, no, we're not finished yet. And then we'll go back to to, okay, but I, I never, I never, um, I never, what is it called? Promote shit. But I just want to say the i am rap port stereo podcast doing a live show in new orleans for all-star weekends oh snap next weekend next weekend in new orleans the 18th we're at live at the joy theater oh shit son and the live shows are good you know you guys will definitely inspired us with the live

shows yeah so if you're in new orleans you're down there for an all-star break the i am rap report stereo podcast which can they get the tickets at www do people still say wwww not really we kind of That means worldwide web, right? So I could just say, I am Rappaport Tour.com. Yep. The 18th at the Joy Theater before the slam dunk contest. Damn, that'd be dope. Are you in another celebrity basketball game?

Oh. Oh, my man. Now my man, we've already started. Excuse me. I've had some issues. You didn't have any fucking issues. You sit down in the guest seat. Sit down in the guest seat.

Sit down in the guest seat. We started. Rap is not happy, man. You're late. Started. Sit down in the guest seat. Look who's. Tell us what your issues are.

And you're going to make eye... I'm on... I'm on three TV shows, as you know. Right, okay. And sometimes scheduling can be a real... Okay, so what would have... How fuck am I sitting in this chair for? Because you're a guest today.

You can't just pull your way into my chair. You're bigger. I don't know how I'm going to get you out. You're a guest today. Where's the camera? This is the kind of shit. This is... I've never been more disrespected in my life.

I've had a rough day. I had to work scheduling issues. I got a live show in San Francisco. and I have to shoot the same day. Okay, what was your schedule? Hey, people have her talking about, like, how's the schedule going down? Like, yeah, what was the schedule?

He's been on set a lot. Yeah, Travolta. Like, tell me what the schedule. Maybe you can pull that shit on my man here because he's still. No, it doesn't work on me anymore. No, because now what I do with set people? And they go, your call times nine. It's not like, listen, I got this thing.

They're like, oh, yeah, they don't care. Okay, shut your fucking mouth. Let them talk. Let him talk. So, what's your schedule? By the way, by the way, you're hurting yourself by showing up, because I want to remind. I reminded B. Schaub

that the highest rated fighter and the kid episode is what? What episode? I don't want to. If you say it's going to flip out. He's going to flip out. He's going super hot. You do the numbers. I don't know. I'm not. You do the run the numbers. But the highest rated fighter and the kid, which is out of fighter and

rap report. You don't come on my podcast and start talking about how you get higher ratings. I'm just you. And I'm not here. Rebus take it over. What the fuck am I doing here? You sit there in the guest spot for a little bit. Get out of my seat. So tell us why you're late, and then we'll see if we're, but make eye contact. Because, Rob, you've been in Hollywood a while.

So you tell me if the, you tell me the bullshit meeting. You tell me the bullshit meeting. Brian Callin's resume is like this. It's a nice, solid resume. It's building. It's big. He's a busy man. But we're talking about like, no, yeah.

You weren't in the busy scat in Hollywood. Don't go like that and then you go like that. It's like, it's like if we, if I pulled out my loaf, it'd be like, yeah, Brian Callan and then there's a little noise. And then there's a little noise. Brian Cowan puts his loaf on the table, it's like that. And then the Gringo Mandingo puts us, it's like, you can't. It's the crap thing. You call it out the gringo and you call it a loaf?

The heavy loaf. You like trap music, Callan? Like, who are you fucking with now? I mean, trap? And trap? Like, who am I fucking with, like, right now? Like, you're playing with, like, right now? Like your playlist of trap.

God damn. I mean, my play. See, it's all over. What did you listen to on the way over here? I'm old school when it comes to trap. But what did you listen to on the way over here, just in general. Yeah, so that. You were on the phone with your agent about your schedule.

I had my, I had agent stuff to do, because I got, I'm wanted. Do you do your eyebrows? No, I'm doing three TV shows. No, what are the TV shows? You're doing the Goldberg? Yeah, then I got my own spinoff on ABC. We'll get you apart. We'll see what happens.

And then I got, have you shot that yet? Nah, I haven't shot that yet, but Bout to. Bout too and TV probably won't be the same. Doesn't matter. And then what's the third show? Do you make that up? Kingdom, Kingdom. I'm on Kingdom.

Is that salon? Yeah, I like that show. Yeah, I pop on. That's the guy. Oh, that actor I like. Frank Grillo? What? Frank Grillo?

That's the guy. You fucked him, right? He, you let him fuck you in the ass. Don't say that. He's going to be. This one is weird. No, he's been talking to me about Frank Gorillo. I didn't know Frank Gorillo.

It's Gorilla. It's guerrillo. Frank Grillo. Yeah, say it right. I've learned of it. He should be, you should be, you let him. I don't do that, man. He's my good buddy. And don't say that.

But he's like, has a fucking man crazy. I remember you said, my guy, Frank, you know, he's good looking. He's an ass kicker. He's going to be a. big star but like he's like good looking he's got a great jawline like he'll fucking kick anybody I'm like okay you like you know Frank Gorilla I'm like you just told me about him yesterday Frank Gorillo has he been on the show yeah he's been on the show not not even considered guest of the year all right take it easy man no I'm just saying like okay but don't be competitive

you're he's not Michael Robpore on the mic we'll put it that way but I like exactly but Frank yo fire your publicist fire your manager you have one a walking talking no fuck boy fan boy. No, fuck man. Fuck man. Fuck man. Because I'm 50-year-old. He's 50. No. You know what, though? I like that you say, boy, because I got such a youthful Peter Pan vibrancy. You do have a Peter Pan. He's the original Peter Pan. He's the original Peter Pan. Yes. Vibrancy is what comes to your mind when you look at me. Yes. Vibrancy. Yes. That's what comes to my mind. So, anyway, I'm, I'm pretty down with most of the current trends right now. Okay. Cala to bump some mingoes who bump a little, uh, 21 Savage. You were like, oh, I love this.

Oh, man, I get down. I fuck with 21stab. When we went to Atlanta, front row, Magic City. Did you guys go to Magic City? Hell, fuck, yeah. Hell to the end. Maybe we did. Maybe we didn't.

Hell to the end. I would love to see him in one of them spots. I'm w to the white. Well, huh? Hey, rap. You know, it's street talk. I want to get paid today in cash for this appearance. What?

Do I need to show the text? Dude, we get... Like, I have to go some, but I need to get paid for it, because I haven't been paid in the past. We're going to just in current events. I have a T-shirt for you. I'm going to show you. I mean, I got some...

The Gringo Man Dingo T-Gingot shirt. Dude, that's a dope shirt. Are you soft? Yeah, I'll wear the fuck on that. Yeah. Double X, because I know you're true goon. I got this text. I know you want to wear it like it's like in insane.

I got this text from the back street boys. This is dope. Buttersoft Iron Rappport T-shirt. gringo mandingo edition because you are a true gringo mandingo it has nothing to do with physical it's in essence why do you write this to me what what did i write before this is the text i get because i know he's going to do the pocket what why do i get three texts all separate coming to fuck brother nine 30 a not true okay boom then i get gonna take you real early real nice never said that to him i don't respond never said that to him he waits then i then i get another i got full balls and a nice

pipe never said what finally i go no no it's I'm not into that. Never said that. And then he goes, then I get another one. This is not true. Watch this. Yeah. 9.30.

Take a shower. I don't respond. Again, I get out of nowhere. You're just a victim. He's like the person. I'm feeling afraid. I'm trying to make him go away. I get this.

I just get this. It's not true, people. I get this text that stands on the tone. What does it say? Clean it. Never said that. I go, I won't. And then you go, yeah, just clean it, bro.

Come on, man. I want to take it clean to make it messy, brother. Never said that. I don't. I don't ask for a lot. Not true. And then I get, I ignore that. And then I get another one, clean to dirty.

I never said that. You are, you, you sexually, that's sexual terrorism, bro. No, it's not true. That's not true. It's not true. I want to make sure that that's not true. It's text terrorism. And I can have you, I can actually see you for assault for that.

And I just read it. And we have a public record of it right now. But it's not true. So that's not true. I don't want you to say that. I have a reputation out here. You're attracted to me. It's true.

No. You're attracted. Hey, you're touching me. you have never stopped working his show on BET is huge the new edition movie the new edition movie you know that channel of black entertainment television I'm in the black culture

but you know that but that was huge is it the biggest show on BT 20 million viewers it was huge wow it was huge so big when I saw it because they were at what award show were that they did the whole the rounds yeah they did some award show

and they showed like a clip of it I see fucking rap like I played their man I played their scum bag manager who drained them for every fucking that's really that's real life totally you see it it's like of course right this was boys to men new edition oh new edition new edition new edition no but new it was boy no but new it boys to men was produced by one of the guys in new edition but it's new edition right we said it four times before you just to show he doesn't listen to a fucking word I just waiting to time we said the new edition movie the new

edition and he goes it's boys to men I thought new edition was a new edition of the movie I'm sorry no but anyway it was cool I was glad I did it I'm so uncool and and I got the live show Where's the live show? Let's see if Brian was listening. I know you could say, where's my live show coming up? Live show, Rappaport, live show. What state? What state is it in?

Doesn't know. Mothoca. Seattle. Yo, this fucking guy doesn't listen. It's in the Pacific Northwest. It's coming up this Saturday. It's a joy theater. Have you guys ever played the Joy Theater?

Yes. You have? Yes. 530. It's great. New Orleans before the slam dunk contest. I am Rappapaport Tour.com. Are you doing anything at the All-Star Game?

Are you involved in any of the festivities? I'm doing a little bit I'm doing a little bit I have to leave early I'm doing it a little bit Well we're supposed to be down there We're not going anymore We're supposed to be down there

To do a show? Yeah Not a live show We're supposed to do that show Hot ones Hot ones Oh okay But I'm in Nashville

You should be on there With the wings? We're rescheduling The wings? I did it I was the number one guest on that All right relax bro How hot was it?

How hot were those wings No I'm real hot as fuck We're supposed to do it I think in March now The first five Six You're going to be like this is and then it gets into like there was actually a point there was actually a point where

I like I like I like it was almost like you got punched in the face like I was like that hot because I did some homework I watch it and you'll see Key and Peele doing it and the one key's like who you know who and they're like still interview me he's like huh give me a second it's a fun show but I literally like it felt like I was like that like that did you get um did your mouth swell up you were okay. I didn't swell up. What was it like when you pooed? It was all good, man.

But it honestly felt like I had gotten, like, literally smacked across the face. Habanero sauce or some shit? Some fucking fly. Ghost pepper, right? Ghost pepper? Let me answer the question. See, again, he's not even listening to, like, the fact that he asked me a question. It's a good show.

I like doing it. I am the number one guest. There's been bigger. Kevin Hart's been on there. But I think my shit was a little bit more entertaining than even the great Kevin Hart. You're more in their favorite. Well, I'm saying, like, I didn't win guests of the year, 2015, 2016, and now

I've laid the, I've laid the... You can't just say that you won 2017, bro. Bobby Lee, no disrespect, is a comedian? Yeah, yeah. Let the people decide. Well, that's what we're going to do. Let the people decide. We are, but don't start, you're casting yourself already as the winner, and that's not cool. I'm too, I'm a little

cocky. I won two years in a row. There's a track record. Like last year I came in in July and you guys would go, this one did it, and who's the female comedian? She was on, you guys said, she had just been on the writer. It lies in time. You guys were like, well, she was great. I was like, Whitney's great.

I said, but I'm here now. I'm here. So like, I want to get paid for this appearance. Hey, man, how much do you want? On your way out, see the our. Call C.A. Do I have to pay for parking? Nope, they validate at the front.

Okay. You're in the new studio now. Yeah, you can be fine. Things have changed. Okay. All right. Yeah. Well, we appreciate coming on, man.

I appreciate it. Anytime. Yeah, great. You're going to go to school. And we appreciate you having me and Brian on yours because it's so cool that You always hit us up. You know what? By the way,

it's amazing. I feel like, I feel like, fucking amazing. What we should do. I mean, I had Brendan on. We talked about the late great Kimbo Slice.

And, and, you know, we've done shit. And again, the highest rated, do the math, Agent A. The highest,

the highest rated fighter in the kid was actually fighter and Rappaport. I don't like this. I don't like this bullshit. Fact check it. I don't like this bullshit. Don't, don't fact check it.

I don't even want that on the internet. But you are a liar. I'm happy. about the Goldberg spin-off. You know, I fuck with you, hard-body karate. Anytime you guys want me, you guys are going to do some reads,

do some shit, talk about? We're going to make some money, right? Yeah, we got to finish the show. I have to use the bathroom and I have to go. I'll give you a bathroom too, but you're the best. Michael Rapport. Are you going to pause it?

Ladies gentlemen, Michael Rap Report. 2017, guest of the year? I'm not saying that. You know, these fucking hipsters with their, you know, like we're all the same, we're genderless?

No, we're not. Because if I pull this loaf out, first you're going to be shocked. okay great white hype loaf oh the fucking gringo man dingo we're talking right here i pull it out it's why i piqued like that so what yeah that's that's what makes it even more mesmerized all right but like we should celebrate our differences and accept like we want to be genderless i know i but when i could shoot a baby out of my fucking asshole then then then come talk to me i i don't get the big deal like with with women not being the navy sealed okay cool this that's not for you men can't do a lot

shit women can do. Who gives a fuck? A lot of shit. When it comes to physical attributes, men are just better. Stronger. Say stronger. Well, they're faster. Stronger. But you're saying better. See, I'm trying to protect you from the fucking... I'm trying to protect you from Lena fucking Dunham.

Yes. Just her. Lina fucking Dunham. I'm saying when it comes in Navy Seals... The guiltiest white person on the planet. Do you know anybody else with more white guilt than Lena Dunham? That should be the clivity. Do you know any white person? on the planet Earth

with more white guilt than lean a fucking dumb done him. The woman who had a show on the air for six years called girls she had a show on the air that's called girls that took place in Brooklyn with no black people in it. This is the guiltiest white lady in the world. Didn't she block you on?

She blocked me up. Why did she block you? You're going hard in the pain at her? Not naive, but just like in that kind of way. I don't like talk about like, no. You know, like looks or any shit like that because that's not that's not my thing it's just like she like the the fact that she she's

anointed herself the voice of her generation to me is you can do better you can get a better voice you're better voices you know what I'm surprised by and I saw you rant on this I thought it was brilliant but those white supremacists the neo-Nazis I can't believe that's don't call on that

I can't believe that shit still exist I was like what the fuck and I'm like if you really want to get it popping why like if you want to get it popping Why are you doing it out there? Go in the, you know where to find. Come into what? Let me know how, going to Brooklyn.

Newport News. They were down to Virginia. Go to Brownsville. Let me know how that works out for you. See how that works out there with that bullshit. Go to Atlanta. With their fucking skinny jeans. Like the ones that were on camera,

like there was like a couple of them. Like there was one guy with sunglasses. I think he was a blind neo-Nazi. He's up there doing this shit. He's blind? How the fuck you know what you know? Covering his fucking face. You know, but like they, like where are these guys during the day?

time like can we pull their Instagram like I want to go see him like yo what's really good my man you're like doing this hail Trump shit yeah I mean and Trump you know who's a real fuck boy I'm Jewish you know what real fuck boy is Jared Kushner he's an Orthodox Jew

Sunday dinner with Donald Trump you're not getting into a fight with your father and law shame on you you fucking panty wearing pampering taking motherfucker Jared Kushner is a bitch made and he's a mother fucker. He's an orthodox chute. Jesus.

I guarantee you he bleeds every month like a little fucking bitch. He is a fucking bitch. These people are saying, Hale Trump, and you say nothing? You have nothing to say about that you're an orthodox Jew? Your father is the, your father and or is the President of the United States? You've got nothing to say?

Zero. Shame on you, you motherfucker. You're dimple-faced, dumb motherfucker. I can't stand that motherfucker. That's it. you've been here for it all what's up you've been here for it all you've been here the whole show it's it's it's it's it's it's it's august it is you want to give me the guest of the year bell now should I just come back in January well probably have to get it made

you know it takes a little while okay I'm done I'm fucking done man I get the fuck out of here paint on homeboys everything I like I'm gonna have you clear you know you're coming to clean my house and I want it done by the end of the month You're not like, oh, not August, not the end of August, September. I'll give you September. I'll give you September to pay out your debts. Send your dickpicks.

Get over your whole thing. Watch the smut off you from that fight. And then you're coming to my crib. What's your brother's name? Jay. You and Jay. Fucking, I want you guys in, I'm videotaping the whole thing. I'm going to have some pom-poms there too for the both of you motherfuckers.

I love it, man. Well, the opposite you can find you fucking all over. Big three. Michael Rap, Dish, fucking. Fantasy football. Fantasy football. This book has Balls.com. It's going to be dope,

but I'm going to come back for that. We'll do that. We'll do it with Brian. He'll talk about your book, critique it. You're the best, brother. And he'll talk about, like, how he read it. Like, Brian counts, like, probably the biggest fake reader on the planet.

The biggest. If you name me any book, you go, I read that. Bullshit. He didn't read shit. With that, with the, he's got like, ADD on steroids. On steroids.

There's no way sitting down reading. And he's like, oh, I read that in the Times and the Wall Street Journal. Motherfuck, I saw the same. Sweet, you favoriteed it. You didn't read shit. He just regurgitates social media. He's like, oh, I read Dostoevsky.

No, no, you didn't. Where's the books? You didn't read shit. I don't think he reads his fucking scripts. I did a movie with that. There's not a book in his house. It's true. He fucking doesn't even read his own scripts.

He shows up and fucking learns his lines. It shows up there. Now, you liked it, you like, and I don't want to, but you like to fuck. Well, and my question is, did you get? Ask Kellianneway. Did you get any? Hey, those bags aren't under her eyes because she's getting a lot. lot of sleep.

All right. Well, Will. Keeping her up all night. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. It's really. Hey, a little Andrew nice clay for the polar bears. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I saw this fucking. I saw this beluga whale. And I says to her, oh, do you want to eat the school of fish?

And then I fuck. I saw this gnar wall with the huge unicorn then I said put it up my ass and massage my prostate That's a really good That's what I did with the polar bears That's really good dude Wow man

This has become a very strange story Thank you for sharing it though and we really appreciate it What else is fucking new Oh, hey, I want to say, I want to tell your audience to go head over to YouTube, YouTube slash Will Saso TV, and we have a short that I made with yours and my good pal. Thank you. It's called Follow Me. I have to be honest, that is, that's a little bit of genius. Yeah, the social media.

It's hilarious. I think I fucking love it. I tweeted it out. I tweeted it out. Thanks, man. Yeah. I want that to do. Enjoy those three retweets, you got.

Yeah, well, there's that. I tweeted it out. Game over. I tweeted it out. Thank you, Brian. Came over. Like he's Netflix or something. I got you on that one.

You just got a special. It's called Brian's tweet. Retweet. Yeah. It is hilarious. Thanks a lot. Thanks, Lady Gaga. I'm sure that'll be because you have 20 million.

What do you, what do you find yourself YouTubeing most of the time? Uh, besides polar bears and pulling all sorts of animals up. Uh, well, one thing I like to do is you do anything and you just put YTP in front of it, which means YouTube poop. Have you done this? No, I sure.

I'm always down with the kids and what they're, um, what they're doing. I have salingo. YouTube poop. Oh, man. That's so annoying the way you burp like that. YouTube poop. YTP? What's this stand for?

If, uh, YouTube poop. So any version, kids have re-edited everything on the internet. So if you, if there's any subject you like, for example, last night's joint address, you just put YTP and then joint address. Pretty soon people will have made wacky little videos about that. And the editing is crazy and it's called YouTube poop. Ah. Anyway, hey, please YouTube poop, follow me. Go to YouTube.com slash will sassot TV and take follow me.

And Marshall Cook's a hell of a director. Anyway, yeah, we made this stupid fucking thing. It's funny, though. It's a lot of fun. I really enjoy. I wanted to, it's a satire of, it's about a guy and he's got a wife and kids, but he's addicted, woefully addicted to all the social media apps, and it's about that. And it's relevant right now, that's for sure.

Trying to make it, you know, make something that's like, you know, funny but sad and shows sort of the, how people are way too into it. Are you addicted to your phone well? No, I was telling him earlier, it's great because I'm addicted to, I'm still addicted to dough and cheese. So really nothing gets closer to that. Yep. Close to me. Am I addicted to my phone? Yeah, when I don't have my phone with me,

I do reach for it. Feel weird, right? Yeah, it feels weird. I do, yeah, you know, I like to check my Instagram feed. I realized not too long ago that I need to either find out who among my real people in my life are on Instagram and add them to or just stop looking at Instagram. Because here's this person and here's that guy and there's this girl that I don't have a personal thing with or at, at least not anymore and it's you're just

I'm still peering into your life your boy's Stone Cold Steve Austin was on the show yesterday and he was saying how awesome he's asking about Snapchat he was asking about Snapchat he's like should I should I get on Snapchat do I need Snapchat I'm like they got all them fucking filters you can make your face

look like a little fucking girl with the shiny fucking diamonds and shit hell you could even have a fucking clown face or a fucking dog with where you with where your tongue comes out he's a if y'all want to see stone cold steve austin as a dog a cute dog with his tongue flapping out give me a hell yeah what a hell yeah uh brian don't do that while i'm doing an impersonation sorry buddy you always

want to try out every impersonation i'm just doing a little bit of a bit we like to we like to oh fuck not bad hey that's what we know we've fed yeah bit killer you've been i'm i'm i'm steve cold Stone Cold, Steve Colbert, Stone. Steve Colbert. Steve Colbert. That's not bad. That's not bad. That is pretty good.

You know what we do on 10-minute podcast is I'll do an impersonation. And then Tommy just doesn't want to hear it. So he just goes, I'm shitty so-and-so. So he does shitty Hulk Hogan. It doesn't sound like him at all. It's fucking fantastic. It's actually my favorite thing. He's like, oh, yeah, me too.

I'm fucking. And then it's like two people. And then Chad doesn't get to talk and it's fine. But yeah, don't ever. Do you want to do some impersonate? Don't put you with me? Yeah, I do. Would you like to?

Yes. Would you like to? Let's play a little game. Brendan, you give me an impersonation. Maybe something you've never heard me do before. Maybe something that I can't do. And then I'll do it. And then you do the shitty version.

And I'm... I'm pretty good. Man, that's tough. You know what? I mean, you've done it, but I'd like to compare the two. Okay. I'd like just Trump. Let's start easy.

Let's start easy with Trump. You're already making the face because you don't know what you're doing. Yes. Don't fucking... Like, he's about to drink... Don't judge my fucking... Well, that means. Well, that me, just so I'm not biased, me, Chan, and Agent A will vote.

Super. I love it. Okay. Here's a little bit. We're going to, we're going to just do something. A little simple saying. Yeah. Okay.

Let's paint a scenario. Let's pretend we're in the Oval Office. Yeah. We're just having a little fun. Donald Trump. Let's say he's watching me and Kellyanne Conway. He would say, uh, yeah, bend her over and fuck her hard, Will. Now you say it.

I'm not going to say something. that misogynist. Okay. Because, and I really mean this, it's cheating. That's actually not bad. And it's mean. It's not bad. That's actually pretty good.

Yeah. I have nothing to do with Russia. Russia. Russia. You got to put a little rasper. I have nothing to do with Russia. Russia. Say, China.

I have no. Whisper China. China. China. China. But make it proudly. China. China.

China. China. China. China. That's pretty good. It's not bad. That's really good. I'm a brilliant mimic.

What else? You know another one? Hi, I'm Ray Romano. Oh, that's my... Oh, wow. I've never done... That's terrible, Brian. Oh, on.

We don't need to vote on that. It's a super relevant... It's a relevant impersonation that kids need to hear. Oh, yeah. I'm Ray Ramano. My brother's... Well, we found Ryan's range.

My brother's tall. My brother's tall. My brother's tall. My wife tells me what to do, and my parents are here. It's been a long time since I've never tried this. That's terrible, B. No, it's not bad. It's so bad. Hold on.

Can you do Kermit the Frog? It's similar at the same range. Why are there so many? There's small many. John Denver. Yay! Yeah. Go, bye.

Say, John Denver. Yay. John Denver. Yay. And now Linda Ronstadt. Yay. And now Linda Ronstadt. Yay.

Oh, fuck. That's fucking sad. It's so sad for me to do. That's when you know you're getting. I'm Kermit D frog. I am Kermit the. Yeah. I am.

I am. I am. Kermit D. Frog. I didn't grow up with these guys. You didn't grow up? Why? Where are you? You're making excuses right now? You study, Ray. Well, let me give you this. Clint Eastwood.

Oh, real. Let him go first. I'm not doing no Clint Eastwood. You can. Hey, I think he... Yeah. Dian. Dian ain't much of a living boy. Yeah. Dian.

Dian ain't much of a living. All right. This one's not going to work. Give me your best Russian. We'll end on this. Give me your best Russian. Russian? Russian? I would like to do John Malkovich in Rounders. Oh, one of my favorite movies. Oh, they he chick, chick, check, check, pay him.

Pied that man his money. That's pretty fucking good. I would like to do just Russian, but I have to think about what kind of Russian. Oh, very good. Give me a Siberian, KGB operative, deep, just in a snow cover in Siberia. You are here not for walrus, but because. you are enemy of the state now I saw my Dracula

because I was pretending to be Dracula but in fact I'm from Russia and you must die because Vladimir Putin is pretty good that's pretty good yeah I'm very good impressions are stupid I like Dracula I've always liked I've always wanted to be

I've always wanted to say this and I don't know how to do it but when the wolves howl we're going to howl and I want you to say ah the children of the night what sweet music they make and I want you to do it as Dracula as Dracula and I'd like you to be involved in this too that way I'm howling

well you'll howl and if you want to do Dracula and try your hand of Dracula you can as well let me hear it so um oh beautiful and then you say ah the sweet children of the night

what's the second part what's sweet music What sweet music they play, right? They make. Yeah, but do it with a little more relish. Ah, the sweet children are the night? The children of the night. What sweet music they make?

Ah, the children, I'm... What do I sound like that? All right, let me try. Ah, the children of the night. What sweet music they make. It's a little... It's a little Arnold, though, huh? Yeah.

Come on, do it. Come on, kid. Arnold's a rat, Dracula. Yeah. This is my biggest throwle to date, Arnold Schwarzenegger's Dracula. Well, let's cut to a clip. Oh, yeah, you guys have a clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Dracula, right? Yeah, this is awesome.

Oh, wow. You've got to tell us about working with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Dracula. It must have been amazing. You were the wolf, right? Yeah, it was the wolf. And then you have that scene where you guys communicate and he says... And, you know, I've got to say he did a great job. He was scary and I believe that he drank blood.

He was probably. He was a very disciplined actor. So why don't we cut to a clip? Let's cut to a clip. Here we are. Here's a clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger in... Arnold Schwarzenegger's Dracula. Oh!

The sweet children of the night. Yeah. What sweet music did they make. Yeah. I'm Dracula. And we're back. Wow. That was really good.

It's so much range. This is most like just out of the box. And dude, you're like half wardrobe and half, like, was that like that Andy Circus, CGI shit? Yes. And by the way. You look amazing. How about this? We found a clip of.

of Donald Trump back in 1987 when he wanted to be an actor. I don't know if you ever saw that where he played Dracula. That's right. He was in that, he was in Donald Trump's drag. And we have a clip where the guy says, would you like some wine? And Donald asked Dracula said, no, I never drink wine. And it's really. Oh, okay.

Let's have a look at that. So why don't we cut to that clip? That's all he says, though. Count, would you like some wine? No, I never drink wine. Oh, and there are Wow, not the best, though, not the best. Not as scary as it's not a scary as arm.

I feel like Donald didn't commit to the role. Now, you guys also have a clip of, is this true? Hulk Hogan? What he was in the WW? Yeah, it's like Expendable's nine. Yeah. He plays Dracula. It was like right in between no holds barred and suburban commander.

And this is him reacting to the wolves again. And what was the line that? Well, it was, ah, the children of the night. Yeah. What sweet music they make. I can't wait to get my hands on them. Oh, okay. That's right.

I forgot that. Yeah. Okay. So, uh, I want to cut to the clip. Yeah. Yeah, brother. Yeah, dude. He's like wolf, brother.

Oh, the children of the night. Dude. What sweet music they make, brother. Yeah. Dude. Yeah, brother. Would you like some wine count? No, dude.

I never drink wine, brother. And milk is for babies, awful, Alfred. You got to drink beer, dude. Or unless you're making a protein shake, brother, crack a few eggs in their awful, Alfred. And then you could drink it back. We put a banana in there. We put this special green powder, dude.

And then... Any blood? And then the blood. I want to drink your protein blood. All right, we're back. Wow. Wow. I never saw that movie.

Yeah, he's really reaching the stuff. Thanks, buddy. Thanks. That was really amazing. Amazing. Let's have a look at this clip. Oh, the children of the night. What sweet music they make.

I forgot about Ray Romano playing Dracula. My wolf brother is very tall. And my wolf parents are here. And my wolf wife wants to go to the ballet, but I want to watch football. Really good. Wow. Man, Ray Romano and Holcogen playing really relevant impersonations, too, that all the youngsters. Yeah.

Ray Romano. No, Codian. Yes, sit up. What? Why are you pushing Will around, man? Because he's an asshole. Keep your face. I'm hitting the mic here.

Okay. All right. You get there? Yeah. All right. And don't spaz out. All right. And you fucking do a good job on my podcast. All right, man.

But don't get all physical with me. I'm going to adjust myself. Rough you up a little bit. Rough you up. Sasa, what are you doing besides standing up all night and drinking tequila? You're a fucking mess. Sounds like a good time, though. I don't drink.

Yeah? Take your son. glasses off. No, leave them off. This instant. Oh, no. Your eyes look guilty. Where have you been, man? You've been busy? I was on the road. On the road? Okay. You've annoyed me with your water. You got the jug of water.

It drives me crazy. He always has the jug of water. How much water do you drink a day? And why are you sweating? I don't know. It's fucking hot out there. I'm wearing two shirts and a hat. I'm a big guy. I have a slight salt imbalance coupled with a possible thyroid problem. What the fuck? You guys leave me in here. I was talking about your fucking set if you can call

something a set that's in a room that the fourth kid gets and a big family room enough for a twin size of bed Hey don't be disrespectful to our studio I'm not being disrespectful I'm just saying you got all sorts of cool shit Yeah all right you I did your 10 minute podcast Yeah destroyed was hilarious by the way yeah Brian came and did the 10 minute podcast thank you so much for sitting in and I was amazing but here's the thing

Well, you're still in that dumb basement. Yeah, in my house. You've got to change a fucking thing. Well, I got to drive for three and a half hours to get here from Los Felis. Keep your voice down. And to do my podcast, all you got to do is go downstairs. So who's the dummy? Although this room is way bigger than the room we do the 10-minute podcast in.

And mine could use a lick of paint. I feel happy. Yeah, I'm happy to be here. I'm always happy to speak to your audience. consider yourself at home okay okay consider yourself one of the family we've taken to you

so strong it's clear we're going to get along very good very good song and where is that is that from Annie? Is that from Annie? No it's from Oliver Twist or Oliver

I don't know that Can see yourself well it consider yourself part of the furniture we haven't got much to spare who cares whatever we got with here all right good so

um I'm gonna ask it really I'm gonna have to ask Hey man stop How was Australia? It was nice Yeah? Yeah, have you been down there? No, I've never been down there.

Is it possible to talk less loud? Yeah, we're right. What do they call? They call lobsters bugs out? there? Yeah, they do. Well, they're in the They're in the bug family.

They are the bug family. Shut the fuck up about animals. I'm just talking about Australia. And he was so happy to go, oh, why do we call them bugs? Hey, I'm going to tell you this right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch your tongue.

Okay. What's going to happen? What are you going to do? Use some of that boxing you've been doing? Don't you fucking disrespect. Hey, hey, don't be, don't, Fuck you. Don't put my, bro.

Shut up, Brian. Will, are you finally thinking of a shit? Will? Well, kind of a little bit. Will, yeah, right? Say what I said to fucking Christalia. Oh, I'm dead serious, man. Who, who's that?

Listen, if you're feeling froggy, you go ahead and leap, all right? Now, you're looking for trouble. and you're being disrespectful. Downing water. Trouble here. Trouble here. Okay? Trouble here.

Let me tell you something. What? You remember a while back, speaking a 10-minute podcast, thank you for sitting in for Tommy Blotcha and remember the time that you wrote a letter to Chad Culchin. Yeah. Because years ago, we were working on a project in Chad, and I was training in mixed martial arts. Yes. And Muay. Yes.

Let's be clear. I was a guy in his, you know, mid-30s. Training in Muaytai. Yeah. Just kind of rolling around, you know, just having my trainer, Harold Diamond, you know. Yeah. Harold Diamond? And you would kick the bag.

Sometimes you would kick the bag and sometimes Harold Diamond would say that kick right there would split somebody's liver. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Good times. The thing about it is I was just like a big, you know, just a big, sloppy fat dude in a gym. Don't be that mean to yourself. I'm not. I'm a pragmatist. I'm a realist.

And you wrote a letter to Chad Because Chad said if I had a year to train I'd be able to put Will in a rear neck of choke And you explained to him the difference Between a dog and a bear You wrote him an email essay Wait, he wrote your trainer He wrote my buddy Chad

Coulton who's a writer and is about 5-7 And now 165. He's not, he's like 5-10 He's not 5-10 Yeah It's a ridiculous thing to say No, he's about I'm 5-11 I'm gonna go with Will on this one

Because you're always off every time 5-7 without question. No, no, no, he's probably about 5-10. Okay, let's just be in the middle. Let's say he's 5-9. He's 5-9-1-70-165. Okay. I put him at 185.

No, you're at, stop. Just walking, walking around. If you saw me to me, I mean, I mean. And a regular guy. And not an athlete. Not a regular guy. Yeah, he's a fucking athlete. Played some baseball.

He's a hell of a baseball player. He's a thick dude. He continues to work out. He played baseball up until last year. And he said, I think I could take well if I trained. And I had to explain to him that that that. just wouldn't happen. You wrote him an essay?

So I wrote Chad an essay. No, I wrote him a long essay called the dog and the bear. The dog and the bear that he posted on his website because it was well received. The guy was dead serious? I thought he could be with him.

Yeah, Chad is always serious. And I had to take a minute. I haven't met this guy, right? No, I don't believe so. He's a fantastic writer-producer and his contention was, he wasn't saying this would definitely be what happened, but he said, he goes,

I think if I had a year to train and I put on something ridiculous, he said like 20 pounds of muscle. Jesus Christ, if you've got steroids? Yeah, but he's just, yeah, and he'd never had any training. So, he's just a big fight fan, you know, he's a huge MMA fan, and

But he also said he could potentially beat a whale in a fight. So he's hilarious. He goes, yeah. Well, if I got, if I got my fingers deep in its eye, I feel like it would be like and then I would kind of technically win the fight. So his point was, he could take Will, like, in a year or two?

And I had to explain to him that Will is, if Will was motivated and strong, Will would, will, um, Will's very hard to hurt for a guy's never really punched to beat up. And I said also that if Will wanted to, he could fuck him. And that was a hard thing for anybody here. He said, you're a prideful man, but you need to understand the way the universe works. A dog ain't beaten a bear. A silver back ain't hearing a peep out of a chimp either. Yep.

Not a peep. And did he get through to this guy? Yeah, yeah. Chad said, oh, you know, I'm telling you, very realistic. I said, yeah, I didn't think I would win, but a lot of this stuff is... Doug Davidoff read it 50 times because Dubb Davidoff couldn't believe that his friend, Brian Callan, would take this much time to break down two men. Yeah, that is strange. That is strange.

But one of the things I always say about you is that when guys, when guys who are regular guys who play some sports and have some pride will say, well, how would you do against Brendan? And I go, are you asking really how you would do against Brendan? And then they go, yeah, yeah. And I go, I go, what you need to? to know about him and it's not it's a hard thing for you to hear as a man is that if brendon wanted to fuck you he could fuck you it was so we're not talking about we're not talking about beating you it was all but that's a very important thing to understand that there's it doesn't be beating

somebody else and then somebody who can truly impose their will on you well fuck look and i appreciate that you're a bottom line guy and when someone is coming to you with a you know question they're sort of beating around the bush saying well what would you do against Brendan, you, you zone right in and you go, I know what you want to know. You want to know if you, what you would do with. I appreciate it. And they all go, eh, and then you just cut the conversation off with, he'll fuck you. So that they stop thinking about it.

It's an abrasive. It's a little tricky. But here's where, here's where, this is a story that I, I got this from an interesting experience. I'm in theater school in New York City. You've never been in New York. Shut up. You ain't never been to fucking New York City. That's the story.

It's exhausting That's Jay That's Jay job No, come on Come on Let me just get through Dude, you've never been on a fucking cruise What?

Who gives it? Why is that so What? Get out of here I have Shut up I have a friend You never been

Why would I cruise to New York? Who gives a shit? Nobody goes on cruises Nobody wants to Old people can do it What the fuck is the matter with you? The guy who stops every fucking story. Dude, you never owned a truck.

Yes, I did. When I was a kid, I was in, I worked at a nursery. When? I was fucking late 80s early night. God damn it, I don't give, I was fucking, I had to haul these plants around. You don't know how to drive a truck. I had a shitty Dotson truck. Would you let me just?

Some people are exhausted. Is there in New York at ballet school? So I'm in, I'm in theater school, and there was a guy who was a giant dude. And he fucked who, who was, no, he was, he happened to have been a professional ballet dancer. And it never fought, but he was, I, you know me, I have, I've spent enough time and looking at men and doing sports, whether it's like wrestling, whether it was, where I know I can see how much it is, how much it's just see if you were to fight somebody, how much that would be to manage if they were motivated to fight. and if you're a regular guy there was a guy who was built like me

but not really had never really done any sports he was built like me but he lifted weights in theater school he would do yeah he would do bench press and he would do

pull downs yeah beach body stuff regular guy but never done any sports and wasn't so athletic but he was kind of amply sized he was a little bigger

than me maybe but whatever and he decided that because this guy they were doing a scene now in theater school and I don't know if you've ever had

this experience but in theater school scenes can get very charged and emotional sometimes as they say you're making believe but your body doesn't forgets that you're making believe and your body takes over and i only do charged work i would define well that way all right what's like working with will charged yeah yeah i only do intense work they'll find a kid 3d that time was they said what they said how was it with will on set i went charged charged intense yeah you ever lick a nine volt no yeah just take a nine volt to your thing? I have. It burns your turn.

Do the car battery and keep it there for a few minutes. That's not the point of this. Anyway, sorry, go on. Okay. So this guy, they're doing a scene, and it's an improv scene, and this guy starts to get macho with the big ballet dancer, who was not gay, but very kind of like, you know, he would wear. He'd suck a dick on. No, he, yeah, maybe, you know. And I was watching this, and he started to shove the ballet dancer. And the, ballet dancer who was big and Germanic and just, you know, just all raw bones and had been dancing his whole life. He goes, let's just say the guy's name was Chris.

He goes, Chris, stop. Chris, stop. Just broke the scene and said that? Chris, yeah, Chris kept getting in his face and pushing him. Playing the role? Yeah, but he was trying to alpha dog him. In front of everyone? It was in front of everybody. And he was doing it

in a sloppy, kind of uncool, aggressive way. And he kept going, Chris, I said, stop. And finally, he tried to put the ballet dancer in a headlock and it actually came at him. And the ballet dancer flipped. There was a switch. Dance on his face. He switched.

And he went the way a big brother does to a little brother. He grabbed him around the body, brought him to the ground, and got on top of him, and just got on top of him and got his leg, almost like a little brother. And a half guard kind of got his leg and pushed him down and held him down and then put his arms under his neck and squeezed him into his body, into his chest and said, and the guy, Chris started going, get on me, get on me. And he's like, calm down, calm down. And get on me! And he was holding him until Chris started to cry. Because he'd never been, he'd never been in that situation. He'd never been physically imposed upon by another man.

If I was that guy who got punk like that, he was crying, I'd get up and go, and see. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Wow. Now that. And see you guys later. And the teacher just goes,

charged. You're fucking right. You got to realize. This was a kid who'd never been in theater school. This was all new emotional work. A lot of boys grow up, especially in this country, where emotion and all that shit is not comfortable,

where being imposed upon, if you've never done sports, is really new. Like, if you've never done a sport, never been leveled on a playing field like a full and somebody shows you that and you're in your 20s and you've never had that experience holy fuck well if you have no brother's assistance yeah very weird to not get that going if you're you know i mean just if you play at contact sports the shit starts happening literally eight years right away but he never he'd never done that

but even if you don't have a brother who in my case used to say meatball boy and fold my nose to my to my knees yeah he's nine years older than me and he would grab me under the knees Meepaw boy Meepaw boy You need that stuff Two, three, four, five, six Ten years old

Chubby ten year old Still going Meatball boy How about the time His body was an island Like some people Have that body Nobody's ever done that to them

Yeah And so if that's never happened That's a crisis at 23 Yeah And somebody's holding you down And you can't breathe In front of everybody And you literally

Can't move from under a man He So I never forgot That's my teacher Who is this wonderful big gay man with the biggest mustache in the world who is still one of my heroes and he changed my life and he looked at him and he goes chris as he was crying and they stopped it you go chris what happened here he goes he goes what happened here he goes chris what happened here besides the fact

that you almost got fucked that's wow he said that and that was i never forgot it was a reality check it was a reality check and there are there are those reality checks in life in general you ever see somebody who's never had to work out super hard, and they're just so out of breath. It's like, what did Vince Lombardi say, fatigue makes cowards of us all? First time you've ever been pushed to that degree. I'm sure as an athlete, when you guys put yourself to that, or football, or whether it would, MMA, I'm sure you saw a guy's break. Oh, yeah.

Right? Everyone has a break in a place where they didn't know how to get out of it. It's just tough work. Everyone has a breaking point. You know, a giant German actor that does ballet, is not breaking anyone I know. But, yeah. Yeah, your story kind of, you know. Yeah.

You can tell me your story. You know, I'll listen to your stories, but it's a little disrespectful to Brian. Hey, man, what the... But here's what... You're making an absolutely great point, and it all comes back to the dog and the bear, the silver back and the chimp, whatever you want to say. And this is why, when you are a guy who, you know, is you, and you're what? 5.170, 511.

Be careful with how you characterize it. It doesn't matter because you're boxing and shit. And the reason it made me laugh from the bottom of my gut is that if you ever... step to me, give a shit if we're in the theater class. I don't give a fuck if we're on a cruise to New York. Careful. I'll give a shit where we are. Be respectful.

I'll fold you. A fold you. No? Yes. And I'll toss you on top of the tallest building I see. Don't listen to me. Don't laugh. Have a look around. Don't laugh at that. If there's a two-story building, it seems here, what are we on the third floor here? Yeah. So this has got three floors this place.

Yeah. All the places in this whole complex. Three. Pretty cool stuff. cool stuff. There's lots of great shit outside. As I was walking in, I saw a food truck. Yes. Everyone was ordering stuff. Yeah.

Careful now. Looks like it's a good thing. If we were out there and I was in line and I was like, yeah, hi, chicken Caesar, no cuisans. And then you walked up and you shoved me out of the way and you were like, three fish tacos. And I would just fold you and turn you around and I would start spinning out. And I go, there it is.

And it's like, oh, there's one. And three stories up. Fuck you. You'd wake up with gravel rash on the road. roof just crumpled up against an air conditioning unit going what the fuck happened you'll get gravel rash there they'll be there'll be guys up there they'll be up there tar in the gravel with their hot mops and you'll go what the fuck happened you got a little you're hot it's hot up there you got some tar on it's some tar on you got gravel rash you're bleeding yeah just a little

duty in my pants yeah a little shit a little shit in your pants listen I appreciate what you're saying and I get it I'm not a regular guy. I got a lot of tricks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the same thing as Chad. I'll get Will in a weird naked joke. I've been sitting down on my punches lately, doing a lot of sparring, I'm measuring distance. Who's the guy that I say you could owe unequivocally?

I always give you props and I say if that goes to a fight, an organized fight, and I would love to see it happen, maybe we can set up some sort of charity. I know what's happening. Brian's taking that fucking dude's head off. Who's that? Who do I say that about? CM Punk. Okay, I don't know. Phil Brooks. I always

say that Brian, at 50 years old, You'd be able to fucking, you'd be able, you'd give CM Punk a false sense of security. He'd come at you, and then you'd throw one of them box and Bob spin kicks like you do on Instagram. Yep. And get him into that gravel rash. You'd get him gravel rash. You'd get him in the hot mops and the black tar. You know he's going to fight again, huh?

Probably. Come on. That'll be fun. It's a nice compliment. Now, be careful now. So what I'm going to say is, I'll kick his ass and your fucking ass. Okay, man. You'll throw both of them will?

You'll fuck both of them up. Hey, I'll fucking both up. Listen. I'm all, oh, hey, how about this? Yeah, yeah. Fucking quote me. I'll only fight CM Punk if I'm fighting Brian Callan at the same time. What do you mean?

Because I want to show people the difference. I'm just a big, what did Brendan and you as I walk in here? Yeah. Here he is. The white Samoan. The white, Samoan. The shaved polar bear. Yeah.

What does a polar bear do? Does a polar bear do any, does he do any, uh, mixed martial arts or ballet? Does you do any lifting wets? No. What does he do? He drags Walruses up onto the... That's right. He lives.

He hunts and he lives. Yeah. And that's what I do. I hunt and I live. Yeah. And it ain't... It's a regular day on the ice for me to drag CM Punk and Brian up out of the water onto my iceberg and just pools and pools and pools of blood. Pools of blood.

Regular day on the ice. I've got to eat. The other day on the ice. What am I going to let? Brian go because I'm eating CM Punk? No, you got to kill both of them. Well, that's what I'm saying. I'll fight CM Punk so long

as I'm fighting Brian Callan, handicap match. Okay, listen. Two on one. And you guys got to wear matching shit. Like you're a fucking tag team. Yeah, you wear matching shit. You don't tell me what to fucking wear. You and CM Punk. No. Hey, Will, what was the tag team where they had, they had shoulder pads,

they had spikes on them? Oh, the road warriors. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Road warrior animal and road war. what I want. Oh, what a rush. I'll wear what I want. That's what we need you to wear. Yeah. You guys, yeah, you guys were to wear, but I want you to wear, like, yeah, you guys

are going to wear spiky shoulder pads, but I want the spikes, dicks. No. I want you guys in matching, like, Killer B's outfits, like, B. Brian Blair and jumping Jim Brunzel. CM Punk used to be a professional wrestler, and that's what I want you guys to wear. I can't move around in that. It's just, no, it's just a single, you know, it's just little the shorts. Oh, no, man.

with the killer bees, just like bees, like black and yellow, and then, you know, some cute knee pads. And wings, maybe at the back. Yeah, wings, if you want, whatever, some bee wings, yeah, just for the entrance, right? And then you guys get in the ring, and that's the only way I'll fight CM Punk. What are you sick of, Theo Von? I'm sick of celebrities, telling people political stuff. Talking about the, basically the fucking Academy Awards. Yeah, man, those people are rich, dude.

It's easy to be nice in a theater when you're rich, dude. Go to a poor theater, dude. People are humming. Usually a sister hitting you in the back of the head with something for nothing, for you didn't do anything wrong. Tell us what grind your gears. Usually a sister hitting you in the back of the head. But yeah, I mean, it could be an urban girl or your actual, you know, blood sister.

Hey, have you been in an urban theater? I mean, it's just like, they just talk. This black couple was behind us. They're just straight up talk. Oh, yeah. Like it's like there's no movie. There's no etiquette. And I'm not saying black people.

I'm saying urban theater, which is a mix. I go this one off the 90. You better hope it's a 3D movie with all asses. Yeah, it's interacting for a plot. You're fucked. It's interactive. You're super fun. Interactive.

They're eating. They're eating fucking carrots. It's just fucking popcorn. And damn, dog, you see that shit? It's like, bro. Where's your movie theater etiquette? A lot of black people, and I will say this, because this is really factual. And I'll spend a lot of time around, you know, in the dark arts.

And I don't mean, that's not black people. people in general that's the dark art dude that's black magic everything black magic that's new orleans i grew up in a mixed neighborhood dude and uh black people don't really know they don't differentiate between indoors and outdoors what do you mean outdoors can be indoors what do you mean outdoors can be indoors black person you can put them outdoors and you put them indoors same volume levels same speed there's no inside inside voice there's no there's zero inside there's no etiquette when he go indoors well they just don't i don't think you believe in like a lot of structures and i don't know if i don't want to say

woodwork but i want to say overall that they the difference between indoors and outdoors when it comes to most black people it's so incredibly it's so incredibly vaguely racist it's so funny though it's so funny they say that there's no filter no what they say when you're poor it's true but a lot of people who are poor it's a social economic thing so a lot of people that are poor a lot of times i guess have to rely on each other like they notice shit that that that say rich people wouldn't notice because they have to because you're kind of relying on your neighbor on usually sharing a bathroom there's a lot of stuff people are on you

teamwork and it creates people yeah and you got and it creates sort of a this this feeling of competition where that doesn't mean you can't lower your voice when you're in the mall in the theater right and that's just what I'm saying that's his point right I want to be heard yes yeah a lot of my black friends even do not prior yeah they don't have indoor voices what I'm trying to say I think I use too many words but if you're horny maybe you're sharper and you're you're just more you're hungrier well dude i'll notice sometime my neighbor has a cat right they got some kind of a white cat i hate cats yeah i've never been a huge they got some kind of white i feel like cats belong to white white people

and the illuminati well and sing and single freaking women who just you know the cat lady but what were you saying about the cat well i will notice dude honestly and i don't do more than masturbation thank God, because I think that is honestly for forbidden criminals, dude. I can't imagine waking up and just spraying out at the beginning of the day. I would be heartbroken all day. I try it.

But I'll notice if I have done that in the past that if I see my neighbor's cat, because my neighbor's cat will wait out there for me to come out of my door. And I don't know if they, I don't know what their behaviors are like in their head, but he will wait out there for me to come out of my door and just kind of see what my vibe is. And I'll notice I will feel more fear if I've mastered.

before I've left the house when I see that animal. Then if I come out, I'm fired up, and my nuts are full, and I'm coming out, you know, carrying. It's an incredible thing I've ever heard of my eyes. You like to come out with a loaded gun. So the cat determines your day. The cat, how you react to the cat, like, depending on how full your balls are, you're going to react to that cat in a different way. Well, I've only rarely have I ever masturbated in the morning, you know? My habit happens at night, and it's just late at night, and I just can't, I don't know what's wrong with me.

But if I do it in the morning and I go outside, I notice that I feel inferior to that animal. Whereas if I don't do it, I barely even notice them. Dude, I just don't even think I could fight, man. I remember one kid attacked me once in school. It didn't go really well. I got attacked by a bunch of dogs. Dogs, that's a different animal. Literally.

Like, how do you fuck with a dog? Two of them came back and attacked me on my birthday again a year later. On your birthday? Swear to God, dude. When they came back, it's this fool's birthday. You take any bites? Yeah, I took a couple bites. Went to the hospital.

It's my birthday. I remember I was 11 years old, and then at 12 years old, two of them came back and got me again. Like, they knew. That's what I'm saying, man. Animals are insightful, dude. I don't have any animals? I don't have any animals. I'd like to get one one day, but I got to get somebody to be around the house and a teammate, you know?

One dog, you can probably. One dog provides you. I don't know how to say it. It's international women. He said everything, but, you know, I need a teammate. someone to kind of help out and do, you mean a fucking girlfriend, so. Yeah, probably that.

And there's nothing going on there? You got no, no, no leads or nothing. This is a cold case? I'll tell you. So this is, I mean, I, see, my problem is I don't want to grow up sometimes and be an adult, you know, about relationships. So, you know, I'll be out there either trying to skis around a little bit and feeling ashamed to myself for doing that,

or I'll be trying to, you know, actively pursue a woman, but I won't want to have some commitment issues. So in the end, it comes down to know I've got to work on some of my issues before I can get back, really get in the game. Or maybe you just haven't met the right one. Because a light one to make you shut down. Yeah, and that's what I'll look for. God, if you know the right one, dude, you know what I'm saying?

Drop her off over there on Greenfield Avenue. It's not easy to find the right one in Los Angeles. It is very hard. They don't make the right ones out here very often. Especially in your in this business comedy business A lot of damaged goods, man This is like that back alley at a Costco You know

It really is a lot of If you're a beautiful woman And you don't want to have any really responsibilities And you don't want to work hard And you want to meet an older man with money I don't shame you for it Oh sorry Oh Brian Callan

Come to Los Angeles Brian, I pay bills I pay bills I pay bills Keep it down to it's true though But it's tough we compete with that It's tough yeah Oh dude it's tough

When like you know You're texting some girl who's Stephen Tyler's texting as well, you know, and he got a jet. I don't have a jet, dude. He got to jet. I'm going to sit there and decide for 40 minutes so I'm going to send the nicer Uber to get you, you know what I'm going to?

Yeah, that, da, that, that, but it's like. Said lift or Uber X-L. Dude, I knew a guy he used to pay Vietnamese dudes to come beat his ass, dude, for like a thousand bucks. Yeah. Wait, you know, these Vietnamese guys and just be his ass? He lives in the Hollywood Hills, dude. This dude would pay these two Vietnamese dudes,

drive up there, 500 each, and beat the fuck out of them. And then did he, like, you just got off on it? Yeah, he just got beat up. And then I guess he would just lay there or something to go to bed. I don't know. I think he was, here's what I think. I think he was doing bad business, dirty business. And he felt bad about it, but he didn't feel like he was able to stop doing the business because of the money he was making.

So he needed some sort of repercussions. Some sort of, like, yeah, so he would do it basically to be like, all right, well, I'm going to do this, but. yeah go and whip that ass yeah i need to get doesn't make it right right doesn't make it right but at least i'm like i'm i'm getting i'm paid a price yes like at least there's some repercussions for my actions i'm paying a price so at least then you could like you know send a mass text that people you're fucking over you just lay in there bleeding with a couple of damn this is the worst who did that i paid them some of your money i made off of you have you have you had any kinky shit like that ever in your friends parties or anything i feel like you

live a crazy life, man. No, did I grew up really in the, you know, there weren't a lot of diseases of us. I did a, I did a, I did a fundraiser last night. I was at a fundraiser for lymphoma, right? And I never even heard of it. Comedy fundraiser? Yeah, lymphoma and leukemia, you know.

And I never even heard of lymphoma, you know, and no offense if anybody has lymphoma. But I had, um, I grew up around rabies with, like, the hottest thing you could get. Ravis ain't good. A rabies is wild. That's what I'm getting bit by a squirrel or some shit where you're from a raccoon or that's from yeah there's a lot of different animals dude a cousin anybody that's uh you know not taking good care of themselves or that's spending a lot of time

outdoors and you can two dead giveaways that people have rabies are if they're afraid to drink water and if they're kind of playing hide and go seek by themselves a little bit like if you see them yeah except them and that's uh that's rabies that's rabies oh you don't never can't beat it many times you die Yeah, and you can look that up, dude. I don't know what. I don't know what these. You know?

Actually, you can probably just close your eyes and no, you know? I know how they work. That's the dark arts, boy. It's ridiculous. I fell asleep at a Smashing Pumpkins concert. That's a great concert. Yeah, well, I mean, it could have been. I fell asleep.

I fell asleep with the wheel probably at least 40 times. I fell asleep during driver's ed while I was driving the car. The guy operate, the man, the adult with the license, like, you're going to follow sleep? I was like, no way, dude. 16 seconds later, fucking dead asleep, bro. We had to pull over. There's no music, right? Dude, I'm falling asleep everywhere.

I've fallen asleep. Indoor's outdoors. Fells sleep. Fuck, that scares me. No, I'll fall in a sleep. Some really good places. Did you have those friends where you'd fall asleep, they'd fuck with you? I hate that shit.

Like, draw on your face, a dick. No, we didn't have any of that, dude. Take pictures. Dicks in your mouth. Our vice principal, we used to sleep in a fucking year. Our vice principal, Raleigh Coleman, who was an urban gentleman and who had a, um, A, i.e. black. Jerry curl. Yeah, he could have been black. He was dark.

Jerry curl? An urban gentleman. He used to sleep in the trunk of his car at fucking recess. He'd sneak over about a teacher parking lot. Just because you know why he wouldn't see him? Yep. And he would tie off his trunk with a little rope. So it was about three inches high and he would get in the trunk of his car. At least it's dark, though, you know?

That's not a bad idea. It'd be hot. Yeah. I don't know why he liked it. But I think he just felt comfort in there somehow. You know, maybe he didn't have a parent. I don't know what some of his issues were. The Jerry curl would explain the way.

a little bit but curled up boy Wild Raleigh Ladies and gentlemen Very very happy to have The man who's I think you've done 12 movies And I would even go so far as to say Two of which that I can think all the time of head were

Kind of groundbreaking Certainly controversial I'm not going to argue with your math I didn't realize we'd be doing math on this podcast Yeah we're doing math and two I'll take those odds Two out of 12 being groundbreaking Or even memorable Well but by the way clerks don't don't please

let's take an okay i remember when clerks came out and you were kind of at the forefront of these oh my god it was so good and the writing was so good and all of us were like what the fuck is this this crazy movie with these actors nobody knew hopefully that was the movie that made people go oh my god i could do this like that's the movie that it kind of was yeah launched a thousand ships and whether those ships were seaworthy or not it goes it's beyond the point it's the kind of movie you see that makes you go i want to try that And I've seen something like this my whole life, but I've never tried it myself. Punk rock music was kind of the same way.

You'd listen to music your whole life, and then all of a sudden you hear music that's so primal and easy to pull it out, easy to pull off, but easier than anything you'd heard before. You don't hear the Beatles and go, I could do that. But you hear like God Save the Queen and you go, I think I might be able to pull that off. I think Clerks was very much that. It was like the movie that made people go, oh shit, is that where the bar is so low? But it was also, it wasn't low because here's the difference. And I remember this so clearly. The dialogue was so fucking, it was crude, but it was so smart and funny.

And so I'm sure everybody tried it. It's kind of like when the hangover came out. I probably was offered a hundred movies and in the pitch line was, dude, it's the new hangover. It's going to be like the hangover. Is it? You've good luck pulling that off. That's right. And one of the things that I remember about you is you had an interview about dogma.

And I remember how smart and thoughtful you were about it because you got, you know, There are two things. The chasing Amy, let's start with that, because that's 1997 about a gay woman and a dude in love of the gay woman. Yeah, written by the most underrepresented gender and cinema fucking 25-year-old white male. Yeah. Story I shouldn't be telling. And now the anniversary just passed, what, yesterday? It was the 20th anniversary of the movie coming out.

And so there have been a few think pieces of like, hey, you know, it's the 20th anniversary, but does it really hold it? up is it still you know and they're like well his intent is good and it's a very personal film but like some of his gender politics are dated and i'm you know i'm like look i get it movie was made 20 years ago yeah at the time that's what i'm saying at the time it was like now now it's maybe it smells like to this generation or whatever like some fucking mansplaining you know let me tell you about the gay chicks i don't think that's fair though i think it was and first of all let me just say this i was in at the beverly hill's playhouse for 10 years which was an acting class with Jetta Elfman

and Genevani Ribisi and Neil Simon would sit in and Bert Reynolds was come in and do scenes and Doris Roberts was there all the time and it was just literally you'd look at and go I'd be like, oh, I've worked less than everybody in this entire room. And chasing Amy was done as a scene so often, so often

by every actor in the world that Jeffrey Tambor and Milton Consolas, the late Milton Gonzalez, both, Jeffrey Tambor, of course, from Transparent, Bandit. They were like, look, Too much. It's too much. I don't want to see the scene 1,000 times. So whatever you did with that movie had such a deep impact on the acting community, at least.

You know what it was? You know what it was? I did. Because now it's like, really, you don't think so? I feel like now it's the cool thing to do. I feel like, I feel like there was a time where for a minute we had an idea that was fairly obvious. Like, why don't people just talk in movies the way like they talk to their friends? Like, people curse in movies and stuff, of course. Eddie Murphy like cursed more than enough to Phil Beverly Hills cop with like

fuck, fuck, motherfucker. But just conversations about like sexual and inadequacy or fucking cum, just introducing the notion of come. Fucking calm. You know what I'm saying? I'm like that. Now it's crazy, I was just on that midnight last night. And while they don't flat out say come, they

make so many come jokes. And I do feel a sense of pride in that where I'm like, you know, well, I I didn't, I'm not necessarily, I can't say like I built the fucking tower, but I dug the trench a little bit, you know, and the cum trench, I'll take, man. Like, if I'm in my grave, they were like, he dug a trench full of cum. You know, my mom's dead. No, no one will have to explain that to her.

A cum trench. I'm going to start coming into places I don't like and go, who fucking dug this is cum trench? That's a good thing. This place is a cum trench. I'm out of here. It's the basin of life, dude. I'll tell you right now, if I don't know, I'll tell you right now, if I don't And again, that just got accumulated into our vocabulary.

There's a civilization somewhere of women that don't have sex with men, but they just periodically, when it's time, to have a child just drench themselves in the cum trench. And then come out impregnated and they don't need a man anymore. It's kind of aggressive, Kevin. I'm just saying, I'm trying to make a better world. You've got to drench yourself up. Got to drench yourself up and some gum. Come out with the kids.

Some kids. The waters of life, you know, take a shot. I don't know. I'm just trying to make things easier on women. I'm looking at Brendan. Brendan, you could, you could,

you could, you could pimp yourself out as a baby factory right quick. You'd be the cum trench right there. I'm the cum trench. That's the new nickname. The third podcast, Chad, with cum trench.

The cum trench and the kid. You'd get curiosity for the first two episodes because people would be like, what do they talk about? Sponsors would be like, see ya. Like, why don't you,

I hate to complain, but why don't you guys ever talk about come on? I'm trying. Like, come on. It's too fucking obvious. Too obvious, bro. We're talking about political facts. What? Did you get, um, did you get a lot of, like, uh, I know. Let's talk about here before I get comfortable. Let's talk about how I freaked out right before the interview.

Yeah, yeah. So you guys should know that Kevin is in my seat because Kevin was like, Kevin goes, wait a minute. I don't sit. We're like, what? He goes, fat guys don't sit. I just want you to know. And also, I don't like a profile of my pick. I want to be face on. That sounds about as aggressive as like, dip yourself in a cum trench. I didn't quite say that in that cum trench. But I was definitely like freaked out because I was like, oh, my God, I'm sitting. Normally, I'm used to a world of podcasts with our, no, cameras. That's why I like podcasts.

Right. Y'all are fucking thin and cut. And in any given moment in your lives, there's not a bad angle for either of you. Hold on, stop. Let's because you're in the cum trench. He's not thin. He's cut. He's fucking cut from God's own wood and shit like that.

So even if both of you dudes were like bending over, like picking up something totally negative, there is no. bad angle for you. I have to live in a world of constant, like, that's a bad angle. That's a bad angle. I don't know what side is good. You know, actors, actors are always like, this is my good side. I don't know what side of mine is good except straight on the camera. I don't agree. I think I like, I like, I like, but I did. He was very nice about giving me his chair because I was like, you didn't freak out at all. I thought it's very kind of the way you did. It was definitely the way to go. Thank you. I don't want to sit, man. You were vulnerable. We

was vulnerable. You adhered yourself to us. You weren't, and then I felt, I'm like, I don't want to sit either. Did for a moment, didn't you both? I was like, I'm like, I can't believe we've been forcing people the tyranny of sitting. Chin, turn the video off. He's right. Well, Brennan will tell you that he has body dysmorphia. I know.

What? I know. And he literally, he's always like, he's very careful what he's, when he would be in the UFC, he'd be in basically his underwear and the whole world looking at him. He was always self-conscious of it. He'd be like, his stomach is, and, you know, he's talking about on his podcast. I wish he was here to talk about it. welcome to the cum trance man this is my life

we'll try you out of fight too if you want in this episode of cummage I worked on an episode of the Goldbergs with Brian and it's a lifelong journey because every time I see him or any time I talk to Joe Rogge I was like you know he's brilliant that dude who was on that episode

of news radio with you once he's got a name Brian Calvin I was like yes that guy dude is brilliant and shit so it took a long time and then finally I got to work with him on the Goldberg but for some fucking reason

And we were chit-shad, and for the first, like, half hour, everyone he talked about, he'd be like, so this guy's like 42 or something like that. And then the story would have gone. He's like, and, you know, I'm like 40, whatever. And then he's like, how old are you? Everything had to do with age. You know, it's like, you got an obsession. Age numbers. Age numbers are size.

And size. It's all math. It'll be a guy from high school. I'm like, bro, this guy ran the ball. I'm like, what? How old is he? 50? But in high school, I'm like, I don't give a shit.

What are you ran the 40 in high school in? Why can't he just be a cool dude? He's a human obituary, dude, because, like, you know, an obituary, they'll be like, Kevin Smith, comma, age 46, comma succumb to. He just knows everybody's fucking age. What is that about? I take you in. I've always been obsessed with masculinity, masculinity, and it's on all its glory, its power.

Yes. When I see a guy... That cum trench thing must have been very threatening for you there. It was very threatening. That's why he felt it was hostile. But I have half a heart on. A starter is one thing. And maybe you'll identify it.

this. I started as one thing. I'm a filmmaker. I direct. I make this. I make that. And that was how they got introduced, but that was never, like, I was interested in that for like a minute before it happened. You know what I'm saying? Like, I fell in love with film and then a year later I had a film and stuff, so I got lucky.

But the moment I got into the room or my foot in the door, then I was like, I want to try all these other things. So for years, I've been doing other stuff. Never focusing on my craft. Like most people strive for excellence in that one fucking thing. Dominate that one thing. just focus on that.

And I, like, early on, I was like, I'm never going to dominate the shit. I'm not even supposed to fucking be here today to borrow a line from my first film. Like, this was like a fluke. Like, this was me trying to see, can I make a film? And we did, and it got bought. Luck and timing had everything to do with it,

not like talent and shit. Just like we said, the right thing at the right time. The movie got bought, and suddenly I went from, like, working a convenience store having a fucking career. And, you know, suddenly, I guess I could have been like, well, let's start.

for excellence in the career go for oscar goal whatever fuck but that never since that was never the aim and that and i didn't expect to get in that was never a like let me strive for excellence once i got into the room i was like that looks fucking fun let me try that that that looks cool like i loved comic books so i was like i'm gonna try to write for comic books and my agent out here was like what do you fucking nuts what do they pay hundred dollars a page i was like it's not the money dudes is you do it because like oh my god i got the chance to do it now So I've spun so many plates and never really focused, like, myself, on any one thing. Like, I'm kind of spread all over, and I'm certainly not spread thin.

And believe me, nobody would ever say that. But when I figured out at a certain point, they could get you if you're one thing. When I was a filmmaker and just a director, they could get you. And whoever they is, I don't mean that to sound like, you know, live off a good. If your film doesn't do well, you, you say, put all your eggs in that one basket. Because then you're trying your hardest. Don't put all your eggs in that one bit. That's where I went.

Because I'm like, after years of doing it, I figured it out maybe 10, 12 years in the career, I was like, you know, you keep defining yourself as like filmmaker, filmmaker, you let them keep defining you as filmmaker as well. That's fine because that's what I wanted to be in the beginning and stuff. But if you're a filmmaker and your film sucks and you're a failed filmmaker. And if you're a filmmaker who's not successful, then maybe you don't get to be a filmmaker anymore.

And your whole fucking identity can be stripped out from under you. could you imagine and not by choice like as a as an athlete one day you could choose to leave yeah the sport or your body tells you get the fuck out or you know you're like i did what i wanted to do and get out so for me i realized like a few years back i was like well just you know you wanted to be an artist in some weird fucking way self-expressor i don't like the term mark because it's so alienated but you wanted to be a self-expressor so just like see if you could self-express for a living like see if you could just be you for a living that became my dream when i was a kid i used to watch like match game and shit there was a dude name remember charles nelson riley

my whole life i was like what is he fucking famous for my dad was like i don't know but he's on everything he was on mad tv i have no idea but he's all over the play he was dude he was literally he was on fucking the the what was it he did it all the tick tenn that was it was it all was it that hollywood squares yeah fucking match game like and you know later on toward the end of his life he was on episode of the expiles he just did it all like elia wallach said that he said do it all do everything and i've never forgot came to our talk to our acting school. He said, and Eli Wallach was in the good, the mad and the ugly.

You're a little young to remember him, but he was the great character actor. And he just said, I do it all. He said, I'll do something on a ship, on a cruise ship. He goes, I like to act. And the way I got out of his piggyback in on that is I just said, I stopped defining myself as an actor. I started to find myself, I said, I'm in the business of self-expression.

There you go. How tough was that, though, B? It was very hard. Because your dream, a lot of people, Your dream wasn't to do comedy. Your dream was to be the next Tom Hanks. But he can be that and still be funny as well. And George Carlin, the greatest of the greats, backed into comedy as well.

Like when you hear George Carlin, you're like, if there's a Mount Rushmore for comedy, Carlins's on it. He didn't want that. He did not have an interest in being a comedian. He wanted to be Danny fucking Kay. He wanted to dance and sing in movies and be a charming, fucking leading man. And so he couldn't get that. He backed into fucking being George. carlin the comedian and stuff and yet everyone's like if i could fucking if i could be that guy or

whatever and stuff and the redefinition of who you think you are from what you know you are is a important part of every person's growth process i'm talking like would have been important for your mom and dad had they been given the chance like if they didn't just have to work and fucking put food on the table they should allow every america should allow like a 10 or 20 year retirement plan where it's like 10 years in any job you get to take one month or six months off to go fucking figure out do I still want this do I still want to be this person is there something and I know it's like some people like fuck a bitch I'm three three jobs I ain't got time to wonder what I want to be but that's such an important part of it man it's like so many people

get caught in the trap of like I got to put fucking dollars on the table food on the table and shit and forget to dream that's how you get to be I love how you said that I love what that means I love redefining who you are because once I realized that I was finding myself as an actor and I realized that I was more of a comic. And once I let go of that definition, guess what? I started working all the time. Like crazy.

Silly goose. Yeah. Like you like to be silly. Yeah. And once I embrace that, my dramatic side, everything else kind of like came out. And I guess I actually have never stopped working since I kind of conquered or at least changed the definition of what I am, which is in the business of self-expression, original self-expression.

Which is tough to identify with a lot of. lot of athletes struggle with it. And I was having this conversation with a fighter the other day. It might have been rampage. And we were talking about these older fighters wanted to fight like a Matt Hughes, you know, a guy who retired years ago. I went, I think it's because all they do is identify with being that fighter at the time. They've never found anything else that lights their fire.

There's no other passion for them. So, of course, they want to come back and fight because it's all they know. It's literally all they know. They never thought of doing anything else. When they do, it might be late, you know. It's the idea is especially if anyone gives you enough attention in life to be like, hey, what you do in this thing is great. You know, I understand the, I understand the path some take

where they're like, well, I'm going to devote myself to this sort of excellence. But spin a bunch of plates because some shit ends and if you're trapped in it, like you're stuck with it, know that there's other things you can pivot to. Well, there's been the same place. plate similar, right? Yeah, it's not all that different. It's not like I'm like either on podcasts or I'm going to do fucking brain surgery.

Like I want to get it to the other, generally in the same spirit. Another way to put that also is that in the 21st century economy, there's, I can't remember who was the famous economist said the people that are going to thrive in this ever-changing and rapidly changing world are those that can learn, learn, unlearn, and relearn. And you always got to be. You know, it sucks. Open-minded.

Yeah, and also be willing to relearned. willing to relearn, right? Be willing to constantly change. I've had to confront that with social media, right? Most people don't want to relearn because once you fucking got something down to science, you're like, ah, fucking done. It's comfortable. But the willing to learn, fantastic.

Willing to like let it go, that's difficult because you build experience into something. You're like, well, all that time must have been worth something. It was for something. And sometimes it is, but the moment is fucking small. You can't stretch it out forever. I think it's tough too because society, whether you're an athlete, with your director, if you're an actor going to comedy,

once you do something else, you go, oh, come on, man, we get it all the time. Stay in your lane. No, no, you want that. You want me to stay in that lane. I don't want to be in that lane. I'm going to go over this lane. He's a nut because he just fucking guy.

I'm going to move. You know those lanes on a bridge where sometimes you're traveling? You see the fucking, all of a sudden it goes from two lane to a four lane highway for traffic. All you have to do is just like, all right, now this is the fucking line. Well, he's dealt with this as a comic, right?

So the podcast becomes really, really successful. He starts another podcast, which becomes huge. So all of a sudden he's like, I can fucking, I don't know, man, something about it. I'm talking and how to do this. And secretly he wanted to perform. He's always wanted to perform. And he, you know, he kept talking about telling stories.

And I was like, I think, do you want to do stand up here? And finally, when he admitted that to himself. But it's funny to see how many people, you know, even comics, you know, until they see him and the work he's putting in, And everybody's reaction, and any time you come into a new space is to be like, come on, man, you know. How long have you been doing comedy? 20 years now. Okay, so you were around before most cats were doing you, certainly around before I got into doing it.

Like, I just appreciated comedy from the side. You've seen it change from like, oh, well, we all know what it is. You go up there and you stand up there and you say some shit to now it's, you can do almost anything in a comedy club, except smoke weed. Yes. You go up on stage and say, I want to present this. I remember, like, years ago, me and Mosier, the guy I do a podcast with, and that's a podcast just turned 10 years this old. 10 years old this year.

Dang, that's a long. Yeah, I've been doing it for one of the originals. We, yeah, when I started, it was, who was, Leo Leport had, like, this week in tech. Was Marin around then? No. Nope. No. Really?

Yeah, we predate. Adam still had a radio show. He did not have a podcast. You predate Rogan? You predate. Yeah. Carolla and Mara. Oh, so you're the original Godfather.

And Chris Hardwood. I don't know about Godfather. You know who it was, Adam Curry. He was the first one who did a podcast. Who's that? The old MTV host Adam Curry. Oh, yeah. I never listened to it, but like he was the one that kind of invented the medium or something like that.

When I heard about it, I was after the Ricky Jervais podcast. My friend Scott Mosier was like, have you heard the Ricky Jervais podcast? I was like, what is a podcast? And he goes, it's kind of like, he goes, you know the commentary tracks we do for the movies? I said, yeah, he goes, it's like that, but there's no movie. I was like, why the fuck don't we do one of these podcasts? So I got into it kind of early on just because I was like, nobody's stopping us?

Like, I used to drive past radio stations and be like, man, if I was rich one day, I would get myself my own radio station, my own antenna. And then I could say whatever fuck I wanted and broadcast any time of day, get up and broadcast and shit. Then all of a sudden somebody presented this notion of like, you can have that and it's universal. You don't even need to do it for just.

And you own it. Like you don't have a production. And it could be whatever to, you want it to be yeah so we so at one point moj was like i need money he's like how can we make money fast and i was like we've been doing smodcast for about two years at home and we used to joke about like imagine if we did on stage i was always on stage doing q and a and a shit but mozier couldn't get his head around like who would want to watch two people fucking talk to each other in a comedy club and what's his background he's a he was a producer and now he's uh he's still a

producer now he works at illumination the company that makes yeah like minions all that stuff like that yeah he's working on something big nice so when when we went out like it was weird i was doing q-and-a gigs and i'd like played carny hall and stuff so i was well-established as like a guy standing there essentially doing stand-up but needing the audience to ask me a question first and then i was i told my my book an agent i was like i want to go out and do a podcast like and he said okay and came back and he goes nobody understands it and i was like what do you mean he's like well you can't go to a stand-up club and sit the fuck down with your friend and talk to him like that's what you do in the audience that's not going to work oh i was like but no i think it'll

work and and i got like i used to be ashamed of like i love doing q-night but people would be like oh you're you're like a comic and i'm like no man comics don't need to ask the audience a question comics just go up generate and shit like that so i'd stay out of comedy clubs because i Revere comics and comedy and stuff. I never considered myself one. And it was kind of confirmed when I was like, oh, I just want to go and talk to my friend. And like, you don't do that sort of thing.

Like, we did it at the improv where me and Ralph do Babylon every fucking week. And how long ago was your first show? First when we did live, I guess now it's coming up on like eight and a half, nine years ago. Damn, bro. Wait, are you telling us all this because you want royalties? I'm looking at a lot.

I want to wet my beak a little. He's like, here's the thing. Let me wet my beak. I heard you guys doing all right. I'm going to need 10%. I want a taste. Just a taste. We have the great Judd Apatow here.

Now, Judd, let's start this off. Do you have an opinion on Brendan's shirt? Well, it has, you know, paint, like Jackson Pollock paint on it. How do you know? I didn't go, I wasn't painting before this. We know. I'm an artist. Yeah.

I'm an artist. If you were an artist, you'd be a bad artist because there's just too much paint. Because you're a sloppy painter? But, you know, that's fashion. See, I don't understand fashion. About two or three years ago, I said, I look weird and everything. I can't decide what my fashion is. I'm not like Euro Trash guy.

I'm not like preppy guy. So I just, someone gave me a James Purse polo shirt. I said, I'm just going to wear that. And I wear a James Purse shirt literally 95% of time. I've just decided to. I'm wearing one right now. This is James Perth. I feel like that's the move for like over duty.

People aren't in the fashion. It's like jeans, solid color. He makes fun of me all the time. He bought me these boots. He bought these for me for my birthday. to give you some style. From my 50th. Yeah, and I wear James purse and jeans.

I can't figure it out. And so I've just given up completely. You know, I remember I, you know, I met Wes Anderson when he was really young and he first moved to town. And then at some point, he just started dressing well. It just showed up. That's weird. And, you know, he was just, you know, a struggling filmmaker. Then he decided, okay, this is what I look like.

And he made a choice. And he looks amazing. Yeah. He's like, I'm like, you know, a Tom Wolf guy or whatever. And I just never could figure out what the, what the move was. You need a stylist. Does he, did he hire somebody? That's a bad idea.

Really? I was just, I was going to say, does he have a stylist? Because I feel like guys that hire stylist. So, stylist, go, well, this is what's in right now. You should be wearing this. Like, I don't, that's not. I think he has a sense of it. I have no sense of it.

I never did. Me neither. You know, also, I'm always in slightly bad shape. So clothes never look right on me. I've always 15 pounds. I'm always in slightly bad shape. You know, it's just enough to make every shirt look wrong because there's nothing worse than like a little gut

you know that's just enough to I call that a fupa you either go full gut where it's cool or little guts might be it would bigger at least it's a statement you know you could pull servino it a little bit but it's it's the little gut and so there was this article about

dad bods and my friend sent it to me saying you should read this article about dad bods which is guys who have like kind of a shitty body like slightly shitty and I clicked on the link and there was a photo and I swear to God the photo was of me. You could look it up.

It's an Atlantic. It was actually of you? I was like the representation of the dad-bod. Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus. When I did the Tonight Show, I finally did stand up on that Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon asked me to do it. But I always thought, and this was about a year and a half ago, I always thought that he

asked me because he thought it would be amusing even if I bombed. Yeah. That I was a little more of a circus act. Yeah, yeah. Because nobody at the Tonight Show even asked me what might. jokes were they were just like here's five minutes here you go take you five minutes hit your marks exactly nobody it was so it wasn't like professionally uh presented set but anyway i worked really hard to do set and you know for me as a as a kid especially growing up in the late

70s and early 80s the tonight show was a giant thing as a comedian that really was your dreams again on the tonight show and so i was on the show and adam sandler was the other guests you know my my old friend roommate my old roommate yeah And a few days before it, Louis C.K., who I know a little bit, but not especially well, but who's a great guy, he wrote me an email telling me how to do the Tonight Show. Oh, my God. And it was long. It was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done. It was just, here's what you got to do.

And it was just a list of different things you wouldn't think. Wow. Such as, this is the way that made me laugh the most. when you walk out on stage there will be music playing do not dance to it that music is not for you Jesus

excellent advice to not bop your head but it also it's a little corny to bop your head you're right hey I'm great I'm just hanging out enjoying the music and he also said you know one of the scariest things ever is standing

behind the curtain while the music is playing knowing you're about to be announced and then suddenly you're going to be shot out of a rocket. That's the nerds. He goes, it's as scary as anything. What you should do in that moment is you wait for your name to be announced

is just think of your first joke, only your first joke, and think about why you wrote it, and think about why it made you laugh, and that will kind of set your path for your steps. And then what was funny is I read this, and I thought, it was so nice that he did that.

It really blew me away. And then two hours later, a second one came in with just as long with even more. Too much, man. He took time, bro. Well, too much, man. You were overthinking. It was like a magazine article. And then I swear to God, I took every piece of advice.

Very seriously, I read it, thought about it, did it, and it all worked. Wow. Because one of the things that's fascinating is watching you, you know, here you are pretty, damn successful, but you always have your notepad after you do stand-up. You're writing. Like the other day I came backstage, we were on the same venue, and Judge's writing. Like, I saw you writing jokes and shit.

I was like, the guy's got his notebook out, like working shit out. Well, I don't really know another way to do it, but what makes me laugh is when I used to do stand-up. So I did it from the time I was 17 until I was 24. And I was a regular of the improv, and I got on not Letterman in the Tonight Show,

but basically everything else. The HBO Young Comedian Special in the Evening and the Improv and all the shows. Dennis Miller show was the show I got on to do stand-up a lot when he had his talk show. But I don't think I wrote anything down back then. I had little notes, little bullet point set lists. Skip it all here? Yeah. I don't know what I was doing. I remember Larry Miller, who was one of the best comics all the time, saying, Judd, it's like a job. And if you sit down at a desk and you write for a few hours a day, like it's a job, you'll instantly be better than everybody. Yeah. He said, because nobody does it. Everyone just goes to the mall.

it's hard to do nobody sits and treats it like a job and but i didn't like i go through all my old notes and there's nothing and now i have thousands of pages of jokes and the tonight show why it's because it's not as big as it used to be right because there's so much content out there yeah it's like you're not like it's not it used to like back in the day like carson or if you're on leno especially letterman letterman at the time was huge i did letterman in 99 and i i've never been and it was part of this new comedian it was made me dane cook it was part of this new comedian thing and i never been i never i don't really never suffer really from nerves doing stand it but i've never been more nervous because it was the fucking stage that it's letterman well it was where the beetles play exactly and where elvis played for sure the thing about the beetles for you go out there i couldn't help it hey man i couldn't help it i was like i know i know and then i see letterman sitting there and behind the curtain he's i saw his mug his coffee mug made me panic i don't know why because it was letterman i was telling b this one especially when i was uh riding a lot I found, like, I don't relate to a lot of comics.

Like, I read the Steve Martin book. It kind of broke my heart. Kind of went down a dark road. I read a bunch of other, you know, comedy, kind of biography, stuff like that. And but yours was one of the, especially when it's you and Adam Sandlin when you first moved to L.A., and it just hit me out, it kind of broke my heart because you talk about how you realized when you saw Jim Carrey and you saw Adam Sandler just doing prank calls that, you know, you couldn't. compete with those guys kind of stage. So that's when he started riding.

Yeah. To me, that made me sad because I'm like, what? Here's a brilliant mind. And comedy is really not how you look or anything like that. And you're comparing yourself to Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey, who you're talking about two freaks.

That's like any basketball player, but I'm not like LeBron, so I'm not going to try this out. Well, it's a weird piece of bad luck to be starting as a comedian at a very young age. It almost screwed you. Well, it's funny because I think Adam gets annoyed when I say this,

because he was my biggest fan as a comedian. He was always just such a massive supporter. And when I did Carnegie Hall last year, I did my set. And then afterwards, Adam came out and did a surprise half hour after me. And then we sang a song together. It was magical. It really was the best. But it is like trying to be a songwriter and your roommate's John Lennon.

That's what it felt like. And then you think, what am I doing? I don't think my songs are as good as his songs, especially because what Adam was doing was so strange and so wonderful. When he was young, it was really weird. What was he doing the singing and stuff? It was before he wasn't even doing the guitar. He was doing, you know, Elvis lives in my refrigerator, very, very, like, surreal comedy. And then Jim Carrey had just quit doing impressions, and he would go on stage and improvise the whole act.

And half the time he would kill, half the time he would bomb, but like really bombed. Yeah. Like people leaving bombs. Yeah. And within the same set, he'd lose him, get him back, lose him. And it was so creative. And I felt it at the time watching Jim, oh, this is the biggest star in the world

and no one here knows it yet. You could just feel it bubbling up. And it was very intimidating to me because as a fan, I knew, oh, I'm not like these guys. Now as of someone who's 49 years old, I have a lot of stories and I have a point of view and it's different. But as a kid...

I felt like that screwed like I was reading. I'm like, that kind of screwed. I can relate to that in the sports world because my best friend was this. guy, Joe Klofenstein, and he was 1% of the premier premier athlete. He was shredded, 6'6, 270 pounds, fast for me,

everything. I'm like, well, if that's a professional, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. So he gave me this chip on my shoulder, I'm like, I should have to work harder because I'm not like him. But when I was reading your book, I was like, God, he got screwed, kind of. Being best friends with Adam Sandler, having him as a roommate, and

that's the level that you see. Or he got lucky, because what he did is went on to Mitt Wright, amazing movies and become like this I'm not upset about the fact that I didn't do stand of all those years I got burnt out on it too I loved it so much I watched

I watched so many comedians and I knew everyone's act inside and out I was I just was such a fan that I got a little burnt out on it so I never think of myself oh man it would have been great to be a comedian in my 30s or whatever because it's so fun now and it's fun to do it where I don't

need to pay my rent you know like there's a pressure when you first start out to eat. Yeah. And so if I would go get a gig in Rancho Cucamonga for $75. I needed that $75. Yeah, it's different. You know, I had my rent was $425 a month, and I worked for it.

I love that you're reading. Well, Kevin Hart wrote his self-help book. He has a new book. I read it. Yeah, it's a self-help book. It's advice from Kevin, and he is a BC. He was like that. I mean, I did a pilot with him in the year 2000.

As soon as he moved to L.A., his manager, Dave Beck, he said, oh, you got to know Kevin. And he was a kid when he did a pilot together. It was him as a young wannabe actor-comedian, and Jason Siegel as a young wannabe actor. I love Jason Segal as a young wannabe actress living in the valley. He was called North Hollywood. And January Jones was in it. Was that ABC? And it was ABC.

I remember when Amy got that. And it didn't get picked up. And the joke of the whole. whole episode the whole show was it was a young Kevin Hart who kept talking about how giant he was going to be and he kept the that was his joke shit yeah he's like he's like I'm gonna be like Chris Tucker except you can't understand him he talks too fast but me you can understand me you can understand me you can't understand me you can't understand him and uh and then it didn't go and so we put him on undeclared he did a bunch of episodes of undeclared and he

was in the 40 old virgin that was what that's where and I yeah I always thought this guy's the funniest but I couldn't crack like I I just couldn't get the show picked up, or I couldn't get the project going. And so it's amazing to see how hard that guy worked to make it happen. Still successful tour of all time, still. And he is funny as well. And a great guy, and everybody loves him in the room. Like, he comes in and makes the room better.

Did you, could you notice something special about him, Jed? Because I'm sure you see. I wasn't sure. I can't say I thought this guy was going to be the biggest comedian in the world. What I thought was, this guy makes me laugh, my ass off. So funny. And he should be a star. He's always funny.

But even then he was, like, friends with Jay-Z, and he had a sense that he had to be good at business. Even as a young kid, he used to talk about his clothes, and he would take out his clothes, and he had very thoughtfully bought all these clothes, and he would take out, like, a shirt and a pair of pants, and he would call it his set. He's like, you like that set?

You like that set? Like, it was a set of clothes. And we would laugh about it because he was acting like a superstar as a basically unemployed young guy. person. But he, you know, especially like, you know, like this book was the power of intention by Wayne Dyer.

The whole book is about setting goals and how you create a certain mental environment to make them happen. That's all Kevin Hart did, purely on instincts. There's a technique to organizing your mind, right? Yes, to believe in yourself. And you still, you feel like you still have to do that. Like, I just like asking these questions because I, I'm always fascinated with the fact that success is a verb it's not a noun well my critical voice wants me to stop it wants you to

stop you know I've got that voice in my head that's just shut the fuck up really no one cares and I'm always at war with a part of my brain that is very low self-esteem it's not all of my brain it's just one part of it don't you think most comics have that I do I think it drives all of us I think we're we're constantly trying to prove that we deserve to be up there that our work is valuable and maybe you couldn't do the work if you didn't have it but man it does not go away and as you get into each stage of life it it turns into something slightly different but it's coming at you i said that the other day i said you know you're always told you have to love yourself and it's really important to believe in yourself and i disagree i think that what drives me is

always this sense of inadequacy and sort of like i have a hole i can't fill and i don't like i've never liked myself that much i look in the mirror all the time i'm always looking for something to change something to kind of improve I still believe I'm going to be if I really apply myself and do more incline bench I'm going to be I'm going to be as muscular as you are It never goes away

You come to my garage We'll work out I'll spot you I'll spot you I'm going to get that dad body Get the dad body Fuck yeah But yeah do you do have to Believe in yourself And then but your self-hatred is what makes you funny

Yeah well you're characters You always start with these like very sort of sense characters. Like a lot of the characters in your movies are not guys that are benching 400 pounds or can beat the shit out of everybody in the bar. They're in fact the exact opposite. There are these vulnerable people would say nerds.

Yeah. Like people say and it's due to your credit, especially this day in Hollywood, they say nerds run Hollywood. I even think, like I saw Wonder Woman the other day. I even think they made a point of making her a nerd. That was part of it, that she's all powerful, but also

weird with the guy she liked. and she doesn't fit in in the city. And I think that, you know, the truth is I think everyone feels that way. Some people can overcome it to a certain extent. You know, that's why it's always funny when, I forgot who I was talking about this with, but, you know, when you're like with people who are amazing, like LeBron James, and they've mastered a way to get in flow in their athletics just to get in a zone. a zone where they're not doubting themselves.

We were talking about Federer the other day. You know, this guy just doesn't make an unforced error for hours. And if you've ever played tennis, how hard that is. And I think for comedy, you can get in that space where you forget and you hit some gear where you're not doubting yourself and you're just connecting to some creative pipe in the universe. And that's where you want to get. But, man, it is, it's a tough. place to go if you have damage, you know,

if you have like normal childhood psychic damage, to like yourself enough to let go of your insecurity, to let your brain do what it has to do. But maybe that's good. I don't know, I don't think I know really too many comics that are that happy with themselves. And just

uber confident? Yeah, I don't think you can be. Like real cocky, it's not going to work. No, it's so weird to... Even Burr, I just did a panel with Bill Burr. For Netflix, it's all these, like, you know, comedy showrunners. Burr, it's in front of like 200 people couldn't kill harder. And the second it ends,

he's just like, ah, those people hate me. And I'm up there going, I'm so unfunny. Look how funny Burr is. And he's walking off going, yeah, that wasn't good. Yeah. I remember he did, we did the ice house, and he was like, and I go, what? He goes, just this time of my, you know, I'm starting new stuff.

It's always so dicey. It's like, Bill, you just fucking destroy. Like, there's nothing left. They had to bring ambulance stuff to bring people and bring out on stretchers from laughter. I'm most amazing, his energy on stage. I did a Largo with him a few months back. He just has the most focus, intense energy.

He is not half-assing. Intent. He's never lost his outrage. Bill Burr always has outrage, generally, at the world. He's like this angry intensity about him. It's an outrage. I've never laughed so hard at a comedian. We're on the same bill at the comedy store.

I get done. I'm like, I got to see Burr, man. So I went in the crowd, just stood in the back. I was laughing so hard. I had tears coming out of my eyes, man. It's remarkable, because it's also just discipline to get in a headspace to care that much. Yeah, that's a sure.

Because you could walk through it so easily. Especially as you make money and you're, you know, you have celebrity and you're flying first class or whatever it is. You know, he's got, he's doing very well. He's like our Beyonce. Yeah. Like when you watch Beyonce. A Boston pale Beyonce.

There's not one wasted movement. Like you watch, like I saw in concert. It's memorizing. There's so much choreography. and she's singing that I thought how can you remember more than four songs worth of choreography? There's thousands of moves here a hair went in her mouth for a minute and she went

and she like made it into like part of the dance and it's so focused and confident and yeah that's what I always think of. Burr's like a flat-ass Beyonce yeah I don't think of the white flat-ass head that's a stretch yeah when I watch Burr I don't think of Beyonce but I get what you say Sort of.

It's her ass, but the exact opposite. They're both human. It's a flat. You know what? I meant he's like our Kendrick Lamar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I sent out the bat signal and the golden pony answer. Yeah. Our boy Tony Hinchcliff is in the house. This is an honor and a pleasure to be sitting in for the kid. I know, man. Life is good. Torin, doing stand up, having fun, kicking butt. And then I call Rogan because I'm like, dude, you know, doing Continental, big deal for me.

I actually ended up crying. on stage, which is weird, like got choked up, choked up. Jesus Christ, are you kidding me? No, got choked up. What a dork. Was it a time issue? Was it Comedy Central in 2001?

Like, I mean, that's when it would have been like a dream. There's more people watching you right now on this show than they are watching. All right. Sorry, Comedy Central. I guess that's just sealed it, by the way. Let's take it easy. It's not coming Central via Dave Chappelle show days. You know, Brenda, I just want to thank you for inviting me on the fighter of the kid.

It's just something I've always wanted to do and be the co-host. I was a guest before and I just always thought that maybe if I just stick with it, maybe one of Brian Callan's friends gets sick enough, maybe I could be sitting in one of those red chairs. I fucked up. I fucked up, man. I fucked up. It's going to cut from you crying to some like, I've fallen and I can't get up commercial.

For real. Everyone's like, how fuck was that? alert. We can save you a bummer these days. This is that big guy crying up there? No, I don't, there's no tears. I just get choked up. There's no tears. No, what's up with the big tough crying guy on Comedy Central? Boy, Connolly Central's really got southman.

They get this, like, this big pussy up there now. Crying because he's telling dick jokes. God, what is happening? This guy's getting rear naked choked up up there. Brain trauma's a bitch, man. You guys crying. I didn't think he was that funny. By the way, I would watch every episode of The Fighter and the Kid in Chinese. Right?

I cry on the comedy century. Oh, I finally have my chance to river my dreamer, and I cry like a baby. Where is the Ari? They wouldn't be sane in terrible English. That's, I don't know how to speak Chinese. Oh, I cried so hard on the comedy century Oh, do you come

out of my eyes? I was all like, Oh, why am I so big and muscular, and I cry Oh, I'm finally getting my chance To tell a story, uh, and all of a sudden a tear come out of my IRA.

What's wrong with you, man? Why did I tell you I cry and I come in Central? And you went, excuse me, Sir? It's not 2007. It's not a big deal. It's so ridiculous. I can't believe you cry. I can't believe I told you. I can't believe I lead it off with a head.

That's a bad idea. There's something about like, I mean, it's just like there's certain things that just cut me right to the core. And like a big tough guy like you. Shetting a tear is like my everything. I was hoping like, damn, that's really cool, man. Countenance, that's a special moment. And then I thought, it's either going to go two one or two ways. I'm going to get roasted by the roast master.

Or you're like, cool, man, just kind of not acknowledge it and move on. Nope. Fucked up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's not a bad idea, though, right? Chinese have someone translating. I hope that they just edit everything else out of your story out.

And it's just you crying up there in slow motion. and they're like, we need to make this. That's the end credits. Me and Soluishing, crying, just credits. Oh, my God. Tony Henscliffe, in the house, ladies and gentlemen. One of my faves. Last time we were here, I need more energy, IDP.

You were laughing. Well, last time we were here, yeah, I was laughing so goddamn hard. Hey, give me a second, man. I'm just grabbing up. I'm just saying, though. It's Tony, man. Sorry, but. That's time he's here almost took your job, co-hosting.

You were laughing pretty hard. You were doing the Chinese woman. I found it very offensive. We made fun of me for crying on Comedy Central. Yep. He cried on Comedy Central. No, I didn't cry. Season 6.5 of This is Not Happening with Trevor Noah.

And that's what finally broke Brendan. He got emotional, huh? Yeah. I didn't cry on there. I was close, man. Oh, I don't know. Yeah. I work hard all the time so that maybe one day I could be nominated for guest of the

All right. Tony, don't be so aggressive. Delea said he deserves it, and he's kind of campaigning for it. He's an Australian campaigning for? I can't blame him. He starts the video, he bookends the video. You're a big Chris Leia fan, huh, Chin. I didn't do the video.

I didn't do the video. It's a whole team thing. I've seen the videos that you make, Chin. You do a really good job, and I think you could have. I've seen Gangham style before. That was a hard one. Gangham style. God damn it.

Chin, how do you explain me not being in that video after what I did to Brendan that day? What do I say here? What do I say? I mean, you know what it is sometimes? I'll take it for the team. No, because you're not a frequent enough guest. Yeah. All right.

That's why. Because you, you had a one-off. I need these things. I don't have Chris Delia hair. I don't have Bobby Lee likable baby body. You shave Chris Delea's head. He fucking goes right into obscurity. Goodbye.

You could see you. You get Bobby Lee normal eyeballs? nobody's listening. Bobby Lee gets in shape, see ya. Will Sassau loses 75 pounds. Who cares? Not likable roundhead guy anymore. How am I competing with guys that I was fans of when I was in high school on your show?

Bobby Lee, Will Sassow, they're in the video. You think they need that? You think they need that career boost? No, I do. Chin. You know what's weird? We're not even in November yet. So, I mean, you can just kill today.

It's already a running. I mean, Rappaport, Rappaport. Oh, yeah, that's the guy that he needs the boost. Have you ever had anything in your butt? No. Never? Have you? I had a doctor's finger once, and I hated it.

I had a doctor's. It's tough. Oh, I've had girls. I've had girls. I've had girls try and. I had a girl stick her thumb in it when she was giving me the old, you know, when there was oral. Ooh. Yep.

She stuck her thumb right up my ass. You've never had that, Tony? No, I've been lucky. Not once. I don't know. Or, or. I'm lucky. Yeah, I agree.

It could be a good time. Hard to keep it together when that happened. I know I seem like, if I saw me and heard me talk, I'd be like, that guy's had a bunch of stuff in his butt, but I have a very, like, virgin ass. I don't want to turn you on, Brian. I don't want you to have dreams about me. There's another story I told on Rogan. I don't have time for it right now.

Which one? Do you imagine how type my... The Jimmy Burke story. When I had a thumb in my ass. Oh. Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. I'm surprised, though.

All the years, never had a girl just... One of the tightest assholes and all the comments. comedy. Boom. All right, Chim, what he got? Loud farts in the morning.

There you go. All right, this isn't the one. We'll start off with another one. We waited like a week for Tonya to be here to see this,

that it happened again. No. No, that is not a real story. You made this. No. No. It literally says

another elderly Chinese passenger tosses coins into plane engine. Oh, Ligarie. It happened again. Lucky,

this is Photoshop. It says Lucky Air. Stop this. It's actually Lucky Air. It's real. Multiple sparses. So last time we was on, this lady takes change. Good luck and throws it in the engine and they can't fly.

Fuck. You've got to be kidding. A 76 year old woman, who's letting these people near the plane? They have to stop now. But how do you get near the engine? Like I've never been able to. So when you're walking out on the tarmac sometimes and you're going up. Yeah, we've done it before.

As you're walking up, you know, The engine's right there. But if it's a major, if it's a major airline, I've never been able to walk outside. Because when birds fly, so in airports it was a little known fact is they have Perrigan falcons a lot of times.

And the reason they have falcons in, like that they're trained, they keep the other birds away because birds are super territorial. If you got a bunch of geese or crows flying around, pigeons and ducks and it gets into the engine, you got big problems.

Big problems. Have you seen the video? Did we do this on here? Did you see the video of those those fucking engines on planes where people get sucked into them? Oh, we did that. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's talking about the suck zone.

That's where the suck zone bit came from. Oh, geez. Why do Chinese women think that, why do Chinese women think that throwing coins in a plane engine is going to be good luck? It's probably an old cultural. Chin, you, Chin, I'm asking you. Hey, man, he's Korean. I'm Korean. You are?

Oh, is that why Bobby Lee is in the video for best guess? I wish I could talk about this but I can't but yeah do the Chinese Buddhist thing Have anyone in your family Have they ever attempted to throw change In the

No that's not Ooh we're gonna have the rockiest fright ever We are so lucky That is the most Condescending I know I hope we're not delayed I have a great idea

How about we add some Ruck to this fright I don't know If we is this rocky enough I have to put stuff into the engine. Dude, why are Asians the only people you can still make fun of?

Because they're doing really well. That's why, right? I don't know. No, I just don't have any shame in my game. I really think that... I can't believe this. Even though she's 76, thinks it's okay to throw change

in a fucking airplane. Can you imagine how hard it must be to be an Asian pilot in the first place? Right? I mean, out of all the racial stereotypes, stereotypes. Let's face it. Chin, you've been in a car accident? I have, but other people's fault. Other people's fault. You heard it. I'm not going to join

these terrible stereotypes. No, no, no. We can talk about it. Stereotypes exist for a reason. Asians agree. And nobody knows more about stereotypes than Asian people, if you think about it. It's true. Well, name, and bear with me here, but the stereotypes exist for a reason a lot of times, but name the best Asian driver in F1 or NASCAR. That's ever one. Go. No, wait. There's none. There's never been. Never. They end up throwing coins in their engine

and they never get pole position. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's Wednesday. We have got Skyler Ashton. He was frying an egg just 40 minutes ago. And then he texted me, he goes, bro. What am I doing the show? And I went on your show so bad. I want to be on your show so bad.

Please, I want to be on your show some bad. And then you were like, well, if you can get here. Yeah, get here now. I have to poo. I haven't done anything. Shut up, you said. Shut up here. Shut up, and get here.

Hold it, get here, and we'll throw you on. We'll throw you a bone. We'll throw you a bone. However, I feel like maybe he's throwing us the bone. Well, he walks in with sunglasses. A fucking his cool hat that you wear when you're a cabby in the 20s. No, if you're an artist, you wear that hat. Yeah.

Hey, he's an artist. I want that hat on me. And then he's kind of like, hey, guys, it's, uh, man. And it's like, he's all loose. No, he goes, oh, sorry, guys, been shooting with Nick Nolte. I've been shooting in. Bulgaria. I've been in Bulgaria and Albuquerque.

And I'll play in New York. And then let me do a commercial. Let me use your equipment and do a Oh, you mind if I do a voiceover before we start? And then I try to give him some direction. He goes, I don't, nobody gives me direction. Yeah, that's a fair point on his point. So then I gave you guys both life direction and here we are.

Hey, thank you guys so much for that intro. It's been a while, man. It's been far too long. Way too long. You're all the faves. I've only done, I've only sang in this studio for the Big Brown breakdown intro. I haven't even done a podcast. Which is a classic hit.

Hey, thank you. It's a Chin Tzu Ye, Skylar Aston, Collab, if you will. Chinsu-Y and how about you sung it at my very first stand-up solo ever live? That was fun. I just feel like I'm so loyal. I'm such a good friend. I mean, this is no bullshit. Because I wouldn't do that for you.

No, definitely not. I can't sing. Yeah, but also just like as far as, you know, getting back to me timely. I always get back to you. You do, but it's always like, sorry, man, can't? Or no, you will, you'll be like, hey, can you do the podcast three minutes ago? And I'm like, hey, man, I'm in Eastern Europe. Yeah.

He's not very considerate. Hey, no, no, I love you. We've hung out more at Boxenburn. We've had a lot of off-air conversations that people would love to hear. So I've recorded it, and I'm going to release it. I'm running out to my new podcast. Yeah. The choice with Skyler Ashton.

Behind the scenes of Sky. Yeah, when they don't think they're being recorded. What would my podcast be called Behind the Velvet Curtain? Yeah. I like that. Behind the Veloccurton. Behind, you know, BTS with essay. And unaware.

I like talking to you and your brother because you guys are such MMA fans. Oh, yeah. But you're also in the no. So it's good to keep my ear to the grindstone. Because you guys, you don't say you come from a fan's perspective, but you guys know the game. We've really, we've really come full circle, too, because we started as just straight up fans, you know. And then I got a little bit known for some projects. And then Dana took a liking to me, and that's how I met Chris for the first time.

And now, now, like, I'm about to turn 30. Chris is going to be at my, you know, like birthday dinner. He was at my wedding. Oh, thanks for them. It's in New York and the West Village. You want to come? We're rich as shit. We will fly there.

Yeah, they're privately for one. September 23rd, guys. Be there. Fire up the jet. Sorry, I'm a tempi fucking somewhere probably. When is it? When is it? I'm doing this.

It's next Saturday. I'm doing this Canelo breakdown. It's a post- It's a post-down for show time. Yeah. I'm in Madison. Can you move it to Madison, Wisconsin? Guys, it took us two years to get here today.

Let's just be grateful that that happens. Did you cry when your boy, Chris Wyman, won his fight? I was so happy, man. Where was I? I think I was actually, you know. Did you not? Did you not go to the fight? It was in Long Island? No, I didn't. I didn't. It was in Long Island, but I, it was like the 28th or the 22nd or something.

I had just wrapped graves, and I had, like, five days to put my shit in my suitcase with my wife before, like, moving to New York until December. And I'm there now, and I'm only back for five days because I'm in between things. So you're going straight from here and then going to New York? And then I'll be there until December. I'm literally here to see if the house is still up and to, to like get a bunch of winter shit and take stuff. Honestly, do the podcast. That's why I wanted to squeeze it in.

And I just got back last night. So I'm like, I'm like, you know, finally got groceries. It's like the morning I make breakfast. I'm frying an egg. And I'm like, well, let me like see what my Thursday is doing. Because I have all these plans to do stuff today. And you're like, get here now. It's the only time.

And here I am. Perfect. And I look really great. I agree. All right. I look great. Got this hat in the village. Thank you for asking.

No, we didn't. It makes sense. There's only one of them, guys. It's a vintage thing. Come on, dude. It's not like you could get it in urban. You've changed a lot since you've been shooting in Albuquerque, Graves. Yeah, man.

Albuquerque and where else? Bulgaria. Are you training twice a day at Jackson's or? Did it make you clean the mats? How's that worked? Yeah. Do you supply John with the steroids? I don't.

Yeah. Hey, it hasn't been. Oh, yeah, it's been proved. It's the, hey, about that sample, that bee sample, huh? A bee sample. What is a bee sample? Coming in a scorching hot. I mean, that thing is hot.

It's hot. It's hot. It's aggressive. That thing's Phoenix hot. How does that work? What is a B sample? So the A sample, so they always take, so you piss in two jars. Yeah.

So there's A and B sample. So the A one they do right away, they test, and then the B one, they test later, right? With more intricate testing? Yeah, but when those things get flagged, especially the B sample, it's gone through so much stringent testing. It's not like, you know, like I see on my Instagram people are like, no, who knows, bro? you know he could have been he could have been it could have been tainted so we gave him his gatorade no no stop stop stop what if he was on one leg dude that might dude that fucks with stuff you don't know like you dude i've taken nikewell i tested hot no no stop dude poppy seed bagels

can sometimes yeah everyone like and i get it man i wish there was an excuse i wish there's some way we could navigate through this but he's just a fuck up let's let's let's hold on a second god i thought we had might have done this and i i i i am a pretty loyal listener oh go ahead But I've only listened to a couple in the last year. So here's my question. You guys should have Rappaport on again. My ears finally recovered. Jesus, fucking crap.

What the fucking best, bro. You fuck you. Can I just be him going in on me already? You're being a little catty because he won best guests. Now you're all fucked up. Yeah, but you guys judge that. All right. If the fans judge it,

Taryn Kell him, he was great. Someone put, Hey, if you got a fan of the year, rap and the rap hit him up on Twillant. See. Nah.

I don't, just went hard. See, let me, let me just do rap thing. What would you do? Skylo fucking Ashton. Yeah. You fuck you. I know you're a fucking New York guy. You do theater, some shit.

But I'm the fucking guest of the year. I'm friends with all these fucking rappers. I'm the loudest fucking person in the world. So loud. So loud. One gear. And he's going to go in on me. You fucking, you probably have no fucking calluses on your hands, you fuck.

You, you, you, you, you, you pretty boy fucking. I know. I know what he. he'll say he'll try to box me out in basketball and then I'll show him what he'll get you on a corner and just shove you around don't do me a favor don't tussle with my here's the thing about Michael Rappaport he was one of my favorite boyfriends of Phoebe unfriends and and I next to Paul Rudd now um because I'm the second coming of Paul Rund but um I would light him up with body shots taught to me by Glenn Holmes true Tony Jeffery is who's given the sign of a... Don't fight him. You're the kill sign. Don't fight him.

I wouldn't play basketball with him because I know he'd throw elbows. He'd have an act off. No. Rap would come in at you and he'd be just big and bony and shovey and he would just... Oh, New York Street.

He'd just throw you. He'd hit you as weird street shit. I was born in Brooklyn. Doesn't matter. You were an artist. Listen to me. He would... He'd elbow you up.

You fucking Broadway, baby, you? Yeah, yeah. You fucking come in here with your fucking, oh, I hit Mitz. I fucking go left and right and I put it on Instagram. And he fights. I get it. He's a scrappy guy. Yeah, maybe he'd take me.

He's also 700 pounds more than me. He's a big guy. You guys might love each other, though. I think we would love each other, to be honest with you. But I have to talk shit because I'm here, and I have to mistake my claim. It's just bullshit. I think the fans should vote. I think I should probably come on one more time in December.

You're really lobbying for fans. I think we should have the fans vote, though. We should do a, you should set up a pool on the TVI-K. But you're challenging rapping away, physically and. This is my comeback episode. When we finally get Brian out, we'll do a co-host. things yeah and then I'll go on the big brown breakdown you're being disrespectful to me in my podcast thank you down so and I'll fucking come in I'll do a bunch of riffs and everyone

be like dude every time he sings and I'll get more Twitter activity than you guys have had a while Michael Rappaport will like hate tweet me something about being Jewish and then I know but he'll be like you fucking Jew you're half a Jew you're a good half you're Italian and Jewish I'm a pizza bagel you're not really Jewish actually but Because your mom's Italian, though. My mom is Jewish. My dad is Jewish. You know, it's not like, so what religion are you?

Italian, Jewish, Muslim? Your mom's Jewish, Jewish, Italian? Nah, I don't know about that, bro. Maybe you're a lion. You're not really a Jew. Your dad's a Jew. My mom's, my mother's. I know your mother is.

I don't know what your dad is, bro. He looks like Tony's supposed to watch, appease and cues. So here's the deal. My mom's mom is Jewish. Therefore, it's the mother. It's what the mother is. I'm the Jewish as fuck. Bar Mitzvitt, bro.

I don't know, bro. You know what, to be honest with you, I've always saw, I've seen a lot more Italian. Female rabbi at my wedding. Oh, wow. Yeah, I crushed the cup, did the whole thing.

Mazel tov, did the horror. Had Six Gun and Chris Widman lifting me up on my horror. I picked them out, and they were being assholes because they were trying to hit my heads into the little cute lives. John was in there.

He was a sooner through the roof. He's a bigger dick rider, fighter dick rider than I am. No, because I'm not. actually friends with them. Hold on. Hold on. I'm not like Katzenkano. Hold on. Put me in an arbor for Instagram. Yeah, he's not obsessed. He's not obsessed with their size and doesn't watch videos on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. You are. Well, I watch. Like Brian, the other day we're at lunch, he goes, it's crazy, man. Like, Cowboy likes, like, everything I post. How many times have you

been to the ranch? What? How many times have you been to the ranch? Cowboys is my buddy. How many times he likes my videos? Have you been to the lake? Have you been to the lake? Have you been to boxing lessons? Cowboy gives me boxing lessons. Cowboy gives me boxing lessons. He really doesn't. though. Yes, he does. He gave me a one-hour lesson, dude. That's what Cowboy does. He shows. You're kicking all wrong. You're throwing elbows all wrong. And he shows you the little one-two with the high kick coming after it.

It's his drill. He showed me secrets. It's his drill. Wait a minute. Don't say that he has a generic drill for our actors. So, Cowboy, you're obviously like me more. You liked all my... No, he doesn't. He likes me. He likes all of my things. I just don't see them because I have over a million followers. It's a very confusing situation. You're competing

with me, man. You probably wouldn't tell me what you got. The difference is that I'm not competing. I'm winning. Whenever Cowboy and Hensow like my videos, I'm always like, Hinozio likes my brother's Instagram. No, he doesn't. You know, I'm going to have to cut this off

because I feel sick from both this talk. All right. Let's get into current events right now. Both one of the matter is. Let's get into current events. I'm pissed off right now. Dropping knowledge with the kids. Yeah, yeah. Dropping knowledge.

Dropping knowledge with the kids. Can you sign us off with the fire in the kids? Are we done? We're done. That's cool. Oh, we're going to end on that blast? It's been a long podcast, my man. Quick, Triple G. Canello.

You've done that already on Big Brown Breakdown. So much. With Tony Jeffries and Glenn. I will. I'm halfway through. It's in the car right now. Won't you sign us off? Okay.

This is the fighter and the kid and the best guest of the year. No. Well, hold on. I was going to sing us off. No. No, you can't just. Okay. Well, he can't.

You can't, I'll sing you off. But you can't give yourself that yet. All right. Okay, you want me to sing it? Yeah. Okay. I mean, do something. This is the fighter and the kid and the guy that's obviously the best guest of the year, obviously.

No. What? I feel like, yes, it's one note. No. This is the, this is probably a B sharp. No, because you're this. This is the fighter. We're not agreeing yet that you're a great guest.

And the most talented guests you've had on the show. Well, have me and do something like a do-op. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get together. What do you What do you want to do? Well He wants to just clap

This has been a blast Getting down together We could talk about shit forever Let's go to lunch Maybe do some dinner But maybe not because I should be much dinner Let's go Maybe I'll come back in December

God damn he's good He's got to get up September's too soon But maybe I'll come back Never. This is the fighter and the kid. We're out. Yes. God damn.