The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 349 Theo Von

Episode Date: December 14, 2025

Theo Von fills in as co-host with Brendan to talk tiny heads, cankle dongs, leftover shoes, butt whiskey, their uncanny resemblance to American Idol judges, river names, headbutt champions, Eminem, Will Ferrell interviewing Joaquin Phoenix and much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men. Can we stand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken. Chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Mm, kids got a piece on them. Peace on them.

Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the honor. studios in Pliya, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter.

Sounds better when you say, live. We're not live. We don't do live, right? And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. Shut. This is not live. It's not live.

I probably give that shirt to Theo. Sorry. Yeah. Oh, it's a medium, huh? Where does that I see where... Yeah? He's not a big dude, right? No. I feel like he's a large.

There he is. You can literally start right now if you want. Yeah, let's do it. We ready? Let's do it. Brian the Kid Callan is missing in action today. Actually, he's in Denver with his family. Senior Olympics, hit me?

Senior Olympics, sir. Senior Olympics. So I sent out the bat signal for the, uh, I mean, last year's guest of the year, the man who took over our last studio. Raining guest of the year. Raining. Yeah.

And you don't even give me a dang belt or anything. What's up, Doug? Not much. Good to be here. Deo Vaughn in the house. Good to see you guys today on Fighter and the Kid. A much younger, more handsome, a little bit of a southern twang and a mullet.

Who me? Yeah, this isn't a mullet, first of all. Gender neutral haircut. And it's the only way I'm getting work these days is with this haircut. You know? and you love like, look at your hair, dude. I don't know what you call mine. I got my haircut in San Jose, and by like this old school, like gangster dude, and he goes, bro, you look like John Gotti now.

I don't know if that's the look I'm going for, man. That's that murderer's cut. Yeah, he goes, he goes, everyone wants to do it because I was get a fade. You know, I get faded up, usually high and tight. Yeah. And he goes, nah, that's what the kids are doing, man. You let me do it proper. I'll make you look like madman.

Yeah, he gave you that prison cut. Yeah, I was like, yeah, I don't want that, man. But I just shut my mouth and took it. Yeah. Well, that's definitely that prison cut then. Where do you get yours cut at? I get mine cut locally here, and I get mine cut almost anywhere I am. I'll get it cut locally.

I prefer local cuts. What do you mean, like a great clip? Yeah, it's like a local establishment where people are struggling, you know? Because I like, when somebody cuts my hair, if it looks bad, and I look at the person that cut it and they look like shit, I'm like, you know, that's how it works. That's how this rolls? Yeah. What do you tell them?

You're like, hey, tied on the sides, party in the back, 80s in the front. Well, you know I got hair rejuvenation surgery. Yeah. I got part of my mullet taken out and put in the front. And no one's ever done that. Ever. Ever. I don't think.

Because I didn't need it. No, you don't need. You have great hair. It hasn't even grown in yet either. Oh, so we're waiting for it. Yeah. What are you going to do? It's going to grow in your eyes.

Bangorang, bro. I'm going to have bangs forever. Bangor and Rufio, son. Thanks forever. Dude, I'm going to be rescuing, rescuing orphans off an airship. bruh, I'm gonna be Rufio. What, uh, yeah, I don't know. It's, we'll see, man.

I'm excited about, you know, the thing is, I have this man that cuts it, and he, uh... How much you charge you for a nice cut like that? Probably 1950, or almost 20. That's a good deal. It's real good. There's $18 when I met him. You give him a tip? Yeah, I'll give him $6 to $8.

Solid tip. I think. Cash. Yeah. I'll turn on the tip of him credit, depending on how I'm feeling and what's going on with him. And how often? And him and his wife are always fighting. So if I have to hear him.

hear about that shit, $4. I agree. Hey, I'm not your therapist. Save that shit. I got my own problems, man. I'm not a therapist. I'm a guy with a bad haircut. And how often do you see him? We text a little bit. He's in a, he's a real moody. Dude, you're a new guy. Yeah. You're that loyal. Oh, yeah, man. I'm that golden retriever, dude. I'll run, you know what I'm saying? I'll lay by his grave when he dies, but next to a pair of scissors. Yeah. You know, and be a video on you on Facebook. Look what the golden retriever did. He'll never forget the man that used to trim him.

And he runs out there. But even though he's a shitty bar where you just fucking ride and die with this dude? He's horrible, dude. And he has the smallest head, too. This man is the smallest head. And I used to date a girl with a small head when I was in my 20s. And this girl had the smallest head, dude. And her hair made it look like her head was regular size.

But then it's tiny. But if you would start, like, kissing her and touching and, like, grabbing her head or anything, you could almost, yeah. You could almost, you could touch, like, the back of, like, the base. face of her neck, like that little part that indent in the back of her neck, and then all the way in between the front of her eyes. Yeah, damn, tiny. It was so tiny. It was just a little tiny mousey thing.

Oh, dude. And then regular body? Regular body. It was like the movie Beetle juice where they sprinkled the dust. You know that? Yeah, man, she had that regular body, but she had that, yeah, she had that real just, I don't know what kind of head it was. Tiny head, tiny brain. Did you ever, you've been with a girl when you feel their head and you can feel

the tracks? Like they have extension. in now girls do tracks almost yeah it's almost even white girls it's like a weave but they put it in there i like the traps i like the tracks you know you feel like you can feel like around in there maybe find a bag of dope or something you know i don't like it you don't know yeah leave that shit natural well it used to be more of like maybe only if you only hooked up with like an urban chick you know you would find that you know you'd find some like hair extensions not anymore everyone now now everybody's got it everybody's trying to be riana even the fucking you know you'll see like a you'll see a girl have no you know can't

afford any clothes or anything. Children's starving. And she got fucking, you know, $40 with a hair tied into her. Bro, I was saying this on the podcast yesterday with Calin. I was in San Jose doing shows during the day. You know how did you walk around and get coffee, do what the fuck you do? And I'm walking. There's this. Most people work, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. So there's this, there's this mom on the sidewalk with two. She's homeless and she was Indian with two small kids. I felt bad for you. Wow. But then some dude slim my DMs today, I guess he's part of the San Jose Police Department or something like that I forget what he does

something with that and he goes dude she's been there for like two years we've seen those kids come up with her it's all an act Bolo on fake Indians her husband picks her up as a decent car Got a Bolo on fake Indians dude out there in San Jose Bum me out dog

Bum me out dog Bola look dude I mean you're not going to influence Indian children dude I don't think a lot of Indian kids look at you and be like I want to fucking you know look like a French Paul Bunyan when I get older. You know what I'm saying?

French, Paul. Yeah. You look like Paul Bunyan if he just drank champagne all day and never did any forestry. That's what you look like, bro. Wait. Hold on. Why'd Paul Bunyan, though?

My French. Because, man. You don't know yourself that well? You got to get a better mirror, man. You're using fucking cheap mirrors. You got $111 socks and cheap mirrors, dude. Wow. Bro, Paul Bunyan, he's the champagne all day.

That's what you look like, dude. Man, you got to get out more. New decent mirrors. You got to walk past regular mirrors. I need some new mirrors, son. You've been raising a clown house, man. You've got to get in there. Bro, how's our old studio working out for you?

First of all, you guys left up with some dirty shoes that I guess some woodworker made you guys in mailed in. It's true. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Some dude did fry in some shoes. just caught in his shoes some fucking cobbler some guy who timed

French cobbler because this dude goes yo we're always Brendan's always making for your shoes so I made these myself for you and Brian goes because I always get packaged

and Brian doesn't Brian goes finally got my own package check these out opens up and Brian goes Jesus Christ oh dude yeah the worst shoe I've never seen

oh it's a horrible handmade bro it looks like a bowling shoe super shitty. Bro, it looks like a Chinese art class final project. That's what it looks like. One of them had a ghost in it.

Yeah, one of them had a ghost in it. I can open it up and a spirit came out. All the loops for the shoe laces are all like different places. And there's still it's fun. Yeah, dude. And one of the shoelaces was real hair. It was human hair.

Brian just goes, ah, fuck. I go, bro, we're those post on Instagram for the duty is absolutely not absolutely not you kept those in there we kept them in for a little bit

I tried to put one of them on cut off all blood flow of my feet dude I think they have anthrax in the souls or something because my feet hurt for like the next probably 36 hours anywhere and they're like a shitty oh yeah I don't even know if it's leather it might be human skin

it's stiff it looks a little yeah it looks a little Polynesian oh bro you know and some of the leather had acne on And I'm like, I think this is human skin. You know, usually shoes don't have moles on the side of them. And then there are sunspots. And then they painted the leather like a brown. But it seeps down into the, like the soles of the shoe.

Oh, fuck. I didn't take a picture of those. So, yeah, man. And they didn't bend. The problem is you put them on. You can't, you're basically ice skating with no blades. That's what it's like. That's what they are.

They're ice skates without blades. Yeah, dude. Like, ice skates don't have, like, any comfort or cushion them. Yeah. It was mahogany bottoms, I think. I'm like, what the fuck is it? It's a small slither of wood at the bottom. They look like shoe.

They're like very small boats. It looked like something Noah would have made if he would as a homosexual, you know? They look like little animals would just jump on the tops of each one. Worse. So you guys left that and what else has been in there? That's it, man. It's coming along, dude. It's hodgepodge.

Nice, man. You get some plants in there and shit? You're talking about some plants. We just got a grow lamp in today. We found a $30 grow lamp on Amazon. And so we've got to get these ferns. A couple of porthos ferns, you know? Why?

Because, man, we want to get just a little bit more foliage in there. Some foliage? We're running on that. We're trying to get a little bit more nature in there. I like that. Yeah. Green it up a little bit. Yeah.

We're trying to get like a little bit of ivy, you know, have kind of like an ivy kind of, that's where you walk in. That's cool. It's just going to take a while. Yeah. cool vibe. That's some port those plants right there, I think. What do they got there? How much those run? $17.15, but here's the thing. They're small. You have to fucking raise them. Uh, and then you got

put that light on them. Why don't you grow a little marijuana in there? I'd grow some weed in there. If we can get somebody in that knows more about it. Yeah, I wouldn't mind growing a little bit of weed, maybe sending that to some of the fans. Yeah. Selling it. It's not a bad idea. The theo strand? That strain, boy. That strain, dog. Makes you just, it'll cure down syndrome, bro. I beat

it. You beat it. Well, there's a lot of rumors in my town that I beat down syndrome. Really? Yeah. Well, that's inspiring, man. That's how I felt when I heard them, because I didn't start them. And that's one of the things that's beautiful about sometimes being in a small town is, you know, it doesn't take long for you to hear shit about yourself.

It doesn't, right? Yeah, you get more feedback. In L.A., some guy walks by you in the hall and like, oh, look at this fucking chimpanzee, you know? But you never know. You never hear it. But in a small town, there's only nine people. You know, you hear it now. these days, social media.

Yeah. They'll get you. You get a lot of haters on there? I'm sure. I'm sure. I don't see a lot of it, but I'm sure. Do you? I don't think so.

I mean, I get some stuff, I guess, but I don't think anything. I'm trying to think of something. It'd be tough to hate on you. Because you're not really, like I'll get, like, I'll get some hate. Obviously, one of my jobs. Oh, you're easier to hate, I think.

Well, you think. I mean, there's just more, I mean, not in like a, if I know you know, but if I'd have to see you do, walking by, yeah, dude. More than you? Oh, dude. I'm like, who's this? Well, you look like a mechanic from Nordstrom Rack, dude.

That's the fucking problem, dude. You're like, damn, I didn't know, uh, Northstrom Rack did tires, you know? This dude looks like a fucking, yeah. What the fuck, bro. What the hell of that? Bro, you look like you scratch off the boat. You look like you're an extra from water boy. Dude, you look, bro.

You got to get a better mirror, man. Bro, me, me. You got fucking cheap mirrors, dude. You and I have the same mirror. If you and I walked down the street, people focused on me. Oh, dude, not. Bro, you have a moment, and I've celebrated. No.

You look, bro, you, let me think about exactly what you look like, dude. You, bro, you look like You look like... I don't subtract it. Yeah, how do you do? Bro, that's what you look like, man. That's awesome. Bro.

Bro, you look like... Oh, man. Dude. You look like somebody that drinks keels at the airport, dude. You look fucking trouble, man. You look like you just drink small bottles of keels hand lotion at the airport. You got issues, man. You need to start seeing how people see you.

You need a new mirror, brother. No, I do you need a fucking mirror. Bro, you need a sketch artist. Chin can't draw something? I can't mock up a decent image of this man, dude. This guy looks like to fucking... You look like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. But if it were filmed in like...

Like if it were filmed probably more... It was filmed in the Great Catsman. In Sacramento, I think, bro. Fuck, dude. You look like the biggest retarded kid in Sacramento. What? bro and that's true dude and i mean that and i don't mean that in a mean way no i feel you man you're the one that beat down syndrome in louisiana but that's not saying

much but it's not gonna look at you right there lennie small right there bro you look like straight up lennie small dude switch in this jacket dude you look like you you're like the dude who if everybody was escaping prison you'd be like nah i gotta i got to i got to be up in the morning for breakfast you know what saying like you'd be the dude that's like doesn't get that everybody's fucking getting out, you know. Okay, guy. Have fun in here. Jeez.

You got to reboot, man. No, you got a reboot, dude. You need a makeover, son? I probably do. They didn't have makeovers where I'm from, dude. I remember my mom actually won a perm one time on the radio when I was young. And some other bitch from across town said it was hers. Fucking a horse.

Like, bitch, they know who won. I know what I'm saying. They know who won the berms. I don't trust people from Louisiana. Well, I mean, it's a hit or miss state. You know, it has a lot of... You got that dark magic. Mullets are not frowned upon it.

Not frowned at all. It's actually the goatee. Yeah, it is, dude. It's just a goatee for the back of your neck, son. I was just there, man. I was just there in Louisiana this weekend. Doing shows? Yeah, no.

Crawfish boil, hanging out with family. What happened, man? The shows down there. So I'm assuming since you're a hometown boy, the shows down there are pretty crunk. Well, no, it's not that good, man. It's like, you know, like. But is New Orleans a good spot for comedy? No.

And I filmed my comedy special down there, and it was a... You fucked up, huh? Fucked up. Why did you do it down there? I just thought, like, I was excited. You know, my family will get to see it, and everybody will get to come. It'll be easy for my family to come, my friends to come from home. Is this the Netflix one?

Yeah. And they just didn't... I mean, the production company was not good, but it was, uh, it just the, the, the, the audience didn't know how to, they didn't know what was going on. One lady was all dressed out in LSU shit, you know, and she's yelling defense half of the show. What the fuck? They had to throw her out.

Like, get the fuck out. Like, what the fuck? I feel like, yeah, I feel like the hometown's not the way to go to shoot a special. It wasn't. It wasn't, man. So, when you go back, do you have, like, weird feelings when you go back to Louisiana? You know, because you're born there. There's some things, like, people know you as far as, like, your failures there or your success,

but when you go back Rogan and I were talking about it's in Boston sometimes you have the mentality when you were broke and people were like I saw this dude when he's dead fucking broke trying this I saw him fail at this saw him bomb here I saw a bomb there so when you go there especially when I go to Denver

I have a different vibe about me which my hometown I love it and there's some great memories but there's also like oh I feel it at this here I did this here I did this here maybe you think about this here oh you feel a little bit more of like not your old self but is more of an element in your in like your moments yeah it's weird like oh yeah like I'm you know like

I'm yeah this place makes me feel a little bit more right size yeah but it's not sometimes it's bad sometimes it's good yeah there's both are you both yeah yeah I think that sometimes like I drove past Tiffany Lane's bowling alley yesterday on highway 190 and I lost my virginity back there yeah who was the young lady um woman it was a girl it was how old yeah we were both children and that's legal. How old were you? And I was probably 17. And people were throwing rocks at us the whole time we're fucking.

What? Yeah. They're in Middle Eastern. I don't know why. But if you never, it's hard to fucking duck, bro. Fucking hot and. Yeah, but whatever it takes a bus that. Whatever it takes.

She took a piece of shale of the neck that I fucking stayed on it. Yeah, that's that Louisiana shit. Like, is that a hickie? Nah. Not for me, brother. You know? That might be a limestone hinky, but that ain't for me. So he just powered through it.

I had to, man. I was young and all I wanted to do was fuck, man. At that point, it's, I feel like semen is just hiding under your skin ready to get out anyway. You have to get it out. Like, yeah, you break your arm and just come all over the place. You know, like anything, somebody sneezed and you'd have a fucking, you know, just skied all over your fucking cousin. Yeah, some bust on your face. But so they're just throwing rocks at you?

Yeah, people were throwing rocks. People were excited, you know? And that's how they celebrate? Some of these kids. Yeah, yeah, give them to you. get him bro the fuck come on buddy

you know get in there we had one handicapped kid and he always said get in there no matter what you were doing dude yeah get in there they could be like dropping somebody at a funeral in town

into the grave and he did get in there get in there he would always say that and he would recite some like ACDC lyrics every now and then he had a mental

he had a mental condition yeah and so that boy would go off and he was there for when you lost your virginity well he was yeah People always bring him into shit, be like, oh, let's get, get in there. That's what they called him.

Get in there? Yeah. They're like, put them in the back, you know? I can't get right. Yeah. So there'd be basketball games. It's great, you know, get in there. You just hear it every now and then and get you fired up.

Yeah. You know, when you're trying to fuck, you know, and hide from a fucking shale storm, you know, it's a little bit more tricky. Not this day and age. There's no one who has, like, as grown men has catchphrases. But when you're a kid, there was. Yeah, when you were a kid, there was catchphrases. They used to do this thing in my neighborhood.

would be like, you're mad. Did people ever do that by you? Do what? If you were mad, right? Say if you were upset about something. People could tell you were upset. They would be like this. Yeah, mad.

No. And they would hit their throat with their hand. Oh, no. No, definitely not. There's something about it. It makes you so much matter. So when you're, like, upset, they go, oh, you're mad. Yeah.

Or right up in your face, you're like, yeah, mad. It makes you so much matter that you fucking lose your mind. I love that. Oh, yeah, but no. I feel like it'd make me laugh. Not when you're a kidding. mad, though. Yeah, that makes sense.

You're kidding. You're mad dude. And somebody's like, yeah, man. It's mocking you. Oh, if I can, bro, it's like somebody taking the top of your spine and just starting to twist it. Yeah. I feel like I'd be cool with that.

Did you use protection with this young lady? No. No. There was a time period I thought where people used protection. I feel like it's going away more. It's going away. It's going away. I feel like you thought I'm hearing.

I feel like if you're on an STD, you're not doing shit. Yeah. I mean, I remember, they don't even have any STDs anymore. I don't think you can. it. There's pills these days, though. Pills and shots. Yeah, him. I know they got him. Besides the AIDS. Besides the AIDS. Yeah. But who's got AIDS now? Only butt sex. And who even has? I mean, some people were trying to have butt sex, I think. You know, people will always be trying to do that. But who I can't, there was a girl that I think had AIDS. And that's the last person I remember. And you still hooked up with her? No, no. I never, I didn't know where I knew her through a friend.

Because now if you have AIDS, it's all like you're, you're cool. Do you take a cocktail every week and you're straight. It's almost like somebody who has age is probably a little more organized than somebody who doesn't. I got to be on that pill regimen. See, it's like diabetes. I was almost excited when they told me I might have it. You had it?

Stage one. Damn. Fucking sugar boy right here. Hed it down that road. It's a sugar boy in the kids. Sugar boy, that's correct. Sweet teeth. Yeah, I love it, man.

You got that sweet tea down in Louisiana. I love that shit. Oh, dude. They'll hide sugar in your ass, bro. Yeah. When I was young, if you wouldn't eat sugar, they'd put a fucking cube right in your ass. That makes sense.

That's how I grew up going And suppositories used to be big Remember that? Yeah, I remember in college A buddy of mine used to put whiskey up his asshole Oh, that's crazy Yeah, he'd get fucked up Because it just past your liver

It goes straight to your brain You know what I'm saying? How do you do that? Yeah, thank you dude What do you mean how you take it? I'm gonna talk to Dr. Chin here With the fresh haircut We both go, you got a fresh ear cut

You look like a train conductor, bro You look like a fucking straight-off train And all aboard the chin, the chint, the chint, the chint, chint, what we're talking about? Oh, how you put alcohol in your booty hole? It's easy, man. You get like one of those things that you put oil into a truck. Really? Jesus Christ.

Yeah, like, my buddy used to do that all the time. But that's like, you got to hold that thing like a martini glass when you go out. It's disgusting for sure. And you need some help, but he used to do that. He was not alcoholic. No, he's not alcoholic. He's actually running drugs for the cartel. He's in hiding down.

But anyways, and he would also sniff alcohol, too. Oh, really? Yeah, he'd get in headbutt people. That I could see. Yeah. I could see people sniffing alcohol. They had a man, speaking of alcohol and headbutton, they had a black man that one time we'd go get like Taka vodka used to be the kind of vodka that we would drink.

It was just like this off brand in our region. Like Todd's almost? Yeah, probably like something like that. Just like whatever, every place had their own little local brand. or whatever. And this was called taka. And so you go get a fifth of talk or whatever. So one time I'll pull up by the gas station and they had this man. And I was thinking, oh, this guy will buy some vodka?

He looks like he drinks some vodka. And it was daytime. You know, it was probably maybe 11 a.m. So I pick it. I say, hey, man, will you get some liquor? He said, all right, here's the money. You got to go in and get the liquor. Come back out and get in the car.

It was kind of you get to give exact directions to. Yeah. Otherwise, you can deviate from the plan. I buy like some fucking. slim jims and a pack of cigarettes yeah scratch offs fucking the dice yeah that's too come out with shoes um so anyway he gets back in the car he's got the liquor and that's when this dude told me he's like you know i'm the head button champion in the world right last thing you want to hear from i'm talking this guy the only man i've ever seen yeah he had that thick head oh this guy's head was probably

made by that shoemaker right he had that kind of head he had a shoemaker bigger smaller than chin's head Chin's head is a dome on them. It was like chin's head with another chin's head on top of it. All forehead? Yeah, but all it's forehead, dude. Yeah, it was that John of Snowman. It was like stacking up a couple of chintz heads, right? This guy had just, like, you could see his neck.

You could hear his neck. If you put your ear up to his neck, he could be like, man, I'm tired. You know? I'm exhausted. I'm tired. And he was headbutton, people? No, he goes, I'm driving us off. He has a vodka.

And all my, I want the vodka from him, right? You're trying to get fucked up. And he goes, you know I'm the head button champion of the world, right? And this dude's homes. Okay. So you say, I didn't know there's competition for that, sir. And this before they had it. This is way before.

This is 20 years before Kimbo Sliced, right? And this man looked exactly like Kimbo Sliced, right? But white? With a two-story hit. Oh, he's black? But white or black? All right. 100% black.

And he, so next thing you know, he goes, you know, I'm the head button champion of the world. And you start to see him kind of just looking at me as I just feel like suddenly. You're sizing up your dome. Yeah, suddenly I'm looking forward driving and he's looking directly at me, right? There is no us, we're not going anywhere anymore. He is just in the car with me.

And so I pull, and he goes, do you want, he goes, do you think you could beat me? And I knew, when he said, do you think anything at that point, I'm already thinking of the cops, I'm thinking about, I'm thinking of a dude in the back, get in there! I'm thinking about, yeah, I'm going to fuck out. But you can't just get out of a car when you're driving it. And that's what I'm thinking.

one of the issues with cars is that you have some responsibility to stay in there and at least pull it's yours so i still i pull over because i'm not going to get knocked unconscious while i'm moving forward you know what i'm saying i'm not a fucking idiot yeah so this dude he goes you want to know and he i know he couldn't even hear me anymore then i'm saying no you're seeing red oh yeah for him it's game time yeah i'm saying no in different ways i'm saying no in different languages and you can tell it's not registering in his head and he just lines me up right and you just hit me as hard as he could with this fucking head, bro.

Yeah, not me completely unconscious. Only been knocked out twice in my life. Once was actually about three weeks ago when I fell on the sofa when I was wrestling with some children. The other time was when this dude, the self-reclaimed head button champion of the world fucking put that one-hit sleeper on me, bro.

Here's a crazy part. He didn't even touch me with his hands. Did he leave the vodka at least? He didn't even... Everything was gone, dude. Everything was gone. He's homeless, though. That's the champ, though.

That's the champ. How many people can say you got knocked up by the champ? It's a kind of an honor, man. Yeah. My first thought was, that dude is the champ. And my first thought. That's the champ right there. No doubt that meant the champ right there.

Hey, Chin, bring up headbutting champ of the world. He's not going to be on there, but I think it's a real competition. Have you ever seen the slapping contest? Oh, yeah. We used to do that, put sugar in each other's mouths and try to slap it out. Really? Yeah. this guy

epic headbutting king that guy looks like a rapist honestly yeah a little bit and this is a jpeg of the world all right let's see it and I'm guessing

off a jpeg right there oh he has a solid forehead on him oh yeah that guy's dutch he looks like you piss him off you heads butt somebody

they're going down I don't want oh my god this looks like something Joe Rogan would put up on Instagram does this is like some shit Brian would do but like literally

train in it. Brian's like, yeah, my family's from Zimbabwe. I have very short tongue because we used to eat berries off the vine. Not a good impersonation, really. Oh, here's a guy headbutton of animal. A bishon, hopefully. Is that a bishon? What's a bishon?

Dude, this video whole looks absolutely amazing. This one? Oh, he's a helmet on. Oh, that's a goat. Oh, you're about to get fucked up by a goat. Oh, that's kind of fucked up to do to the goat. Oh, this shit is spicy. Dude, that goat's fucking them up. 24 to 36, hut.

Oh, damn, this is in Louisiana. Oh, they're auditioning for something. Oh, dude. The motherfucker's trying to make ridiculous. Bro, winter gets to fuck somebody at the house, I bet. This thing. Dude, that's awesome, though. What animal?

Ooh. Oh, wow. Wow. That looks pretty fun I'm about to get a headache Thank you mom Thank you Go back to

Go to the world star hip hop headbut Compilation right there And this man Oh yeah You know a good head butt though A solid headbut Will fuck your world Oh it took me out

God I wish there was video If you get knocked out with the headbut They didn't have video back then There was a drawing of it I think I told my buddy and he drew a picture of it Some people Some people think you should legalize headbutts in the UFC. What?

I think this is a fake video. Oh, they're illegal? Hell yeah, they're illegal. This is the worst fucking shit. And there's pants that person's wearing. God, that is, dude. That is not a world star hip-pop. What pants would you fight in if you had to fight, dude?

In pants? Yeah. Jeans. Really? Like these. These are a little stretchy, but they cover everything I need to cover. But they're not too baggy either, you know? And they're tight.

Oh, you're fucking worked if people were in about all that. And they're tight in the ankle, you know? that's what I want I was ready for that right yeah you were dude oh my god head buning so

stupid this is so Russian yeah this is some Russian shit the slapping competition though I don't get how people don't get most of them do they just get knocked the fuck out they're too tough for their own good

you've been slapped really hard I think let me think of what happened a girl slap if a good slap you I feel like it's more embarrassing than a punch. I'd rather get punched than a slap. This dude named Wade slapped me one time. Fat Wade was his name. Why'd Wade slap you? You know, he just didn't have much to say, and he was angry for years, and it finally came out in a big slap. And his daddy drove the school bus. His dad was named Milford, and his dad drove the school bus, and he was Irish. I guess he

was Irish. I don't know. He never really said anything. Wade and Milford don't sound very Irish. That's true, good point. Yeah. So they might not have been Irish, Joe, but they looked really Irish. Had a lot of Irish characteristics for not being from there. And they, and Milford drove the bus, dude. Regular bus or short bus? Regular, dude. Full.

And I never rode short. Actually, one time I rode short, but just to talk to the driver was hot as fuck. Really? Dude, we had the finest short bus in our region. You pretended you were kind of slow just to get on that short bus? Oh, dude, I'd get on there. One of my buddies, right? He thought he was

trying to be handicapped on there. He tied his legs together, right? And made like a long... Like Forrest Go? style yeah and he tried to pretend he had one leg like dude that's how you pretend you have one leg like you tie one leg behind you or something you just like you like a mermaid yeah yeah you're not a mermaid yeah i'm like you look like a fucking idiot dude there'd be a mermaid legs yeah he had two legs just tied together it probably worked because she was like leave this is dumb ass yeah go and get on the bus get in the back she's probably

like i bet this boy's got a dick on him you know because i would think that if i saw somebody with one big ass thick leg boy You think you'd have a fat dick in the front? They have to be. They say that people that are 5-11 have big dicks. That's what I've heard. Some girl told me that. Why 5-11?

She just said if you're 5-11 or a shorter or like 5-9 to 5-11, you have like a fat-dick syndrome. Fat and short? Yeah. Like, you ever seen that documentary on HBO? It's called like Night Women or something like that. It's on prostitutes. And they mic this one prostitute up is my favorite scene ever in a documentary. Because they mic her up and she gets in a car with a John.

And she goes, all right, baby. get it out and they're like negotiating the price she was all right baby get out and then you just hear your silence and they're here slurping they're here you go ooh you got that oh you got that short fat dick it was subtext like some titles says ooh you got that short fat dick my favorite scene ever man to view that dude like fuck you man that wide dick's a heater man I came in wide bro when I was young and I remember it takes almost all the blood out of your body you can't think that well when you get an erection. Like one of those short Coke cans, you know, to give the kids, not a full one, the short

one, short and fat. Is yours a full Coke can now, or? Yeah, I mean, I got to, I mean, it's, yeah, but I'm more like, I'm definitely more of a width than a length guy, you know what I'm saying? Like, you see my dick, you're like, oh, I'd put a watch on that, you know? Oh, word. But you don't see it and be like, oh, you know, that thing. Give me a ruler.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't think that is much. Give me tape measure, no, no. Yeah, I got that young attack artist, bro. I got that chubby in a fucking, you know, I got Napoleon's kind of taller chubby brother, but still one of Napoleon's brothers. You know what? You got that chubby dick.

No, you're at the chub dick. The chubby. Well, my dick couldn't really wear a turtleneck, because it doesn't really have a neck. It's just all. Oh, yeah, basically, the cancels of dick. Yeah, basically. There's no middle ground.

It's fucking a solid piece. It's just cancled a head, bro. It's almost. You're a cangled dick. It's like Jared Lorenzen. They used to play for University of Kentucky. Bro, great. Pull him up.

You know who he is? 300-pound quarterback. Like the Giants last like one season. They're like, bro, we just can't anymore. That motherfucker for Kentucky had a can. Have you seen him lately? Oh, yeah. Some low league?

There he is. He's out there right there. Yeah, throwing a waffle into his cousin's mouth right there. That motherfucker is huge and could slang that football. There is in college. There he is right there. In college, he was an animal. It's solid for sure.

But yeah, man, that put, that man, put me unconscious, dude, have a bunch of champ. And he was a champ, and I never saw him again, and he took that liquor. And that was it. Hopefully, you know, hopefully he just... Oh, he's, I've guaranteed he's dead. He's dead for sure. This boy's close to dying, too.

He's 500 pounds now? Wow. Wow. There he is right there trying to rip into a bag of chips. What's that third picture right on the right? You know what? I'd assume he has a canckel dick as well. You know what's funny he is?

Oh, that's hilarious. He came to a show one time and brought me a shirt when I performed in Lexington. Oh, really? Yeah, and it says straight out of it. Lexington. He's a nice dude. He's a nice guy. Yeah, super nice. But yeah, I mean, he makes fun of himself all the time. I mean, he's, well, there's nobody who's built like him. Playing quarterback? Ever.

Yeah. He's basically a left tackle playing quarterback. Yeah, people like him play marbles or play... Dungeons and Dragons. Get in there! Get in there! Get in there! But yeah, this boy would say, the mentally handicapped kid in our neighborhood, he lived down at the end of the street and he would just do ACDC lyrics, you know? But that was about to rock.

And you just over and over? Yeah, he just, he'd be on his porch like this. Not bad, though. I'd rather, I'd prefer that than him, like, rocking out some bullshit. No, he was heavy. He said a good taste. That's the thing about sometimes if somebody gets hooked on something in their head and they have something, a good song lyric,

you can at least take him to some concerts, put them in the back. Hell yeah, enjoy the ride. What's the last concert you went through? Oh, it was, um... Your big concert guy first one? I'm not very much, man. My buddy James Blake, I wouldn't saw my buddy James Blake. British musician.

What was his famous song? He had a banger for a second there. Obviously, super slow. I haven't listened to a ton of his music. He has one song that was just a bbba banger. But he's such a neat man. He's just a neat artist. And I met him through a friend of mine who's an actress.

And I went to his concert at a church. And it was cool, man. He's like, I never listened to this type of. music i never listen to this type of musing it it's like slower it's like this was youtube for me too it's a science it's like almost watching like a scientist are brilliant man yeah i i never listen to much music you know something's wrong with me um two months ago one million views oh that's a car of oh that that that's a good tune what's something that i listen to he had a retrograde it that sounds familiar to me how many what has the most retrogate is a song he has 17 million oh there you go

I hate it. Wow. Where'd you meet this man? Through his girlfriend. But this is the last concert that you went to? Where was it at? It was in Los Angeles, yeah. Yeah, it's like listening to him.

It's like listen to like a lab tech and a church kind of sometimes. He's just like this. I don't know. I'd never heard this type of music. Cool dude too, huh? Yeah. a knee, yeah, he's a needer. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't know his music. I knew him before I knew his music. I only know one of his songs. Why, I know it? I'm not sure. He had a banger. This is a

slow video, though. Yeah, he just got that thing, make you, I mean, look. We call that panty dropper. Oh, dude, look, I'm not a fan of, uh, you know, I don't subscribe to, what's it calling you have sex with someone that you're related to? Incest. Incest. I'm not a fan of incest, you know, especially in these times. I'll pass on that. Hard pass, though. Hard pass. But look, I wouldn't put this on at the house around one of my hot cousins either. I'll tell you that. And that's

Yeah, I wouldn't either, man. I wouldn't either. Do this late at night, the power goes out, but you have a generator that's just connected to the radio and you got this going. Somebody's going to wake up different. Somebody's waking up different. We call it waking up different. That'll do it.

Yeah, this is his bang. I forget which one is his banging, though. You know, Chin Fancy's himself a musician. Oh, Gart Brooke, man. Gart Brooke. The number one. Yeah, I had my bro. It was one of the best,

put a video on the Instagram of him. And Chin's been instrumental in helping us getting the podcast going on you guys' old studio. Yeah? You know, the Ghost of Chin's Miss Past is in there sometimes. Is it just you and then your old producer? It's just me right now. We're trying to get a producer in.

We just had Jay Moore in as a guest. How was Jay? I mean, that guy is. Stories for Days, man. He talked about, or him and David Tell got Chris Farley to shit out of a window one time when they all when they all worked on that.

What a brilliant. I mean, he has stories for days, right? It's unbelievable. And he has impersonations. It's almost like being... He's so talented. He's so talented. So people forget how,

how brilliant Jay Moore. I mean, if you saw somebody's old comedy, you're talking some of his sets, you know, one of the greats, man. I agree. Especially when he's young, one of the greats. He's a banger. He's afflicted.

He's infected with talent. It's almost an infection, I feel like with some people like him. Yeah. You know, like Robin Williams, I think was a guy that had it, you know. Correct. You know, that really are troubled artists. Yeah. And they don't have as many of those any.

You know, a lot of times I feel like Hollywood sells you a lot of these, you know, joke writers. And, hey, come watch this person do comedy. And it's like, well, I can watch that. There's nothing about that person. There's nothing special. Yeah, there's nothing attracts me to them. No. I don't care about that.

No, it's not unique. Right. But I think some of that's starting to change, you know, and I think you're starting to get people that are actually more personalities that people want to see and just want to go and spend time with. Yeah. You know, like I go watch Sebastian Manascalco to spend time with. Brian Cowell's another guy. Yes. Like, I don't care.

I could hear Brian tell the same thing to me a thousand times. Yeah, I just want to see him. Yeah, I want to see him do it. Sebastian in the same way. I think you're the same way. I think you're one of the guys that's unique where you can't get it anywhere else. Yeah. Like when we're talking about people where I'll, all.

I'll see some, something on Netflix or, you know, whatever, Amazon or YouTube. I'm like, I can see how they got there. I've seen that. I've seen that perspective. That's the thing. I wouldn't pay to see that again. Yeah, I wouldn't pay to see it again. Well, thanks, man.

I appreciate it. Yeah, I like doing the job, man. How have you adapted, man? You've really gone to hook, line, and sinker in. Trying, man. To working on it. Trying, brother. It's admirable.

Yeah, thanks, man. It's hard, dude. Because, I mean, I'm sure there were times when you're like, fuck, do I need to drive over there and do this comedy tonight? Do I need to drive over there in practice or do this set? Yeah, it's stressful. What's getting easier about it? Is anything getting easier, or is it?

The thing that's stress is, well, I feel like, and I literally just met with my team last week about this, my team. This team, listen to this guy. Remember when you were his team, chin? The chin's for the team. Oh, yeah, okay, good. Jim's part of the team. Sorry. Sorry.

I get stressed that it's never ending, you know what I'm saying? as far as comedy goes in writing and it's just if you like and there's some comics do this but if you wanted to you could literally focus on something every single day and come up something new trying to come something new every single day. It's like

a painting you're literally never going to finish you'd work on it 24 a day and it's never getting it done and that's that stresses me out and I have a hard time dealing with that. Why? Because oh because you could see like it just there's immense there's immense things you could keep doing. I feel like I'm so behind the wheel like I have to like with the showtime thing I love doing it it's great but then it takes away from

over here you know what I'm saying so I don't know yeah it's hard to explain it's hard to explain I could see that man yeah it seems like um yeah I could I could see that yeah you start building things and having different ideas and you're like okay well let's try to implement this idea and get this going yep you know and Chin's in here working he said he worked 27 hours the other day I'm like well that's impossible you know I had a straight That's what he does, dog. Well, I'd put it straight. Something I was laughing my ass off, you take calls on your podcast.

Yeah, we take calls, man. We take calls from people. A lot of people out there struggling with stuff, jerking off. Man called me yesterday, not joking, was in his truck, being like, I'm about to jerk off right now and I don't want to. Why? I don't know. Did you encourage that?

Did you encourage that man to jack off anyway? Why not? I'm trying to escape it. I'm trying to escape pornography, man. I spend like a decade jerking off at the house, man. You think you're a sex addict? Do you believe that one guy say there's sex addict? I think some people are.

Yeah. I think, I don't know if, and I don't know if it's sex anymore. I don't know what got us. It's a chase. Am I wrong than that? No,

maybe it is. I'm just trying to think it. Is it the chase? Because when I hear guys go, I'm a sex addict, it depends, it depends where they're at. And I think it depends on that,

and it depends what access they have to women. Yeah. That makes sense. When I're a sex addict, I'm like, well, you could just be on disciplined. Right.

If you're married and you're famous in whatever lane you're in and you go on the road or you're doing a teacher, you're doing something, you're going to have all this temptation thrown your way. Plus and butthole. A lot of dudes be throwing butthole. And if that's your flavor, more power to you suck that dig, look that ass. However, is it a, are you addicted or you're just on discipline? Right. There's a big difference. Yeah.

Yeah, there is, man. And it's tough. You know, some guys, you know, like I think, you know, some guys there are. And some guys are better at it. Some guys are just so hooked on it. I think that becomes an addiction, though, you know. Well, my problem is if, well, not my problem, but some guys I know who have problems with it who are in the limelight,

it distracts them from doing their actual work. Oh, yeah. So it's like instead of you could be home riding, you'd be home doing this, you could be doing more stand-up, or you could be doing this podcast or this TV show, but instead you're chasing pussy. Yeah.

So you put all your energy into that. Yeah, next thing you know, you, you know, next thing you know, you got a, you know you got a black belt and chase some pussy but that doesn't pay the bill yeah it's not paying the bills and they're on you're on stage and people are like what do you you know what's your next bed and you're just showing them nothing nothing created i mean i guess if you're seeing you come with some good bits and experiences from chasing girls but if you're a grown-ass man it's gonna be tough yeah it gets limited you can't be like oh yeah went over this girl's house

and you know we both had to brush our teeth before you like it doesn't get cool as you get older. Hell no. It's almost sad. Yeah, we'd had a big dinner, so nobody was fucking. You're mid-40s, and you're talking about fucking girls on stage, like, all right, man. Yeah, bro. Sex is, I think sex is for children, man, you know?

You're older than. Sober sex is for children. If you're fucking sober and you're an adult, dude, you are, I think, you might be going to hell. Why's that? Sober sex is for kids, dude. Would you prefer to be drugged up? I think, yeah, as an adult?

You were done on NyQuil? No, dude, no. But don't get many ideas, man. Don't give me any ideas, boy. Can you take NyQuil being a recovering? I don't know if I can or not. If I'm in recovery, if I could take NyQuil? I don't think so, man.

I mean, I could have a sip. If I have two sips. Well, see, that's how it goes. I'll have a sip. Next to me know, you're fucking balls deep in NyQuil every night. Next thing you know, you're sprinkling it into your headband attire on your head. You're like, sweet drinks, motherfucker. Yeah.

Get in there. somebody brought that boy to a funeral and I remember the only rule was do not say it do not say it and he was quiet the whole time so they lowered that casket and you're like get him do you're on chair or even like get the fuck out of here get the fuck out I mean people were just like oh I would celebrate it um how's your uh how's your meetings going with the was it AA or oh that's a yeah that's what I go to you talk about that or no yeah I talk about it sometimes man it's like I find it fascinating because I'm not part of it I've never been addicted, really to, I had a slight addiction to painkillers, but when people

have, like, serious issues, I'm fascinated by. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think, well, most of my, most of my, most of my addiction I've found over time is that I was just, I was uncomfortable being myself. In your own skin? Yeah. Like, I would just be anywhere I would be.

I would just be uncomfortable. So you'd medicate that. And so at some point, I found, you know, I would just, somehow it started doing some cocaine here and there. And it wasn't anything crazy. You got a nose for cocaine. Oh, yeah. I'll fucking kill the neighbors gram if they leave their window over the way. You know what I'm saying? Are you kidding me? I got that snout. Yeah, you get that

snouty snout. Yeah, I can see that, bro. Oh, I'll kill a gram of cinnamon from an aisle over, bro. You know, I'll fucking put a spice rack on its knees, daddy. But cocaine was a drug of choice? Well, here's what happened. Cocaine started it's like a sneaky drug and it had some mystery you know people sneaking around you know people are like hands in it under the table and stuff yeah just said like you know or wherever anywhere you are kind of open party now it's a little more open but it's still like you know if

you're at the bank or something somebody has a gram they're not just going to set it on the counter damn at the boy thank you going to oh yeah maybe chase boy chase far go so chasing that high boy chasing them drugs but so there was a little bit of mystery to it You sneak off and do it. There was a little bit of... And I like that. And I like that. I like the mystery.

Almost like the sneaky criminal aspect of it. Yeah. There was something criminal about it. You had to show up at somebody's place you didn't know. Dude, I used to meet a dude who would bring a... He had a wolf. This guy had a wolf. A pet wolf?

I don't know if it was a pet. I mean, they knew each other. Protects him drugs. Roommate at least. Roommate at least. Yeah. Friends. Yeah.

At least. And this dude, somebody gave me his number one time. And years later, I'm texting this guy. And he met me somewhere. and he, you know, was bummed out that, you know, he's selling cocaine. He got this wolf. Well, and look, you think you won't try anything on a do with a wolf. I do with a Bichon?

I guess some guys went up with a schnauzer, you know what I'm saying? Or a little bit of a, you know, a yellow bowser or whatever those dogs are. I'm stealing whatever drugs he has. You show up with a bowser. You show up with a wiener dog. I'm kicking you in the face and taking your drugs. Somebody's getting fucking choked out, and I'm stealing this pup, too. Yeah, I'll take out of wiener dogs because they're friendly as fuck and the wet noses.

I love a wiener dog, dog. But I won't let a wet nose near my cocaine, but I'm not an idiot. No, hell, no. That's why they probably have those wolves because they have them dry snouts. You can't have no schnauzer with that wet-ass nose around them drugs? Yeah, you got to have that dry front. So a wolf got that dry intake. So they, you know, but this man pulled a fucking wolf up.

This dude, this can probably weighed 62, 63 pounds. This man pulls up with this wolf. The second time I went and saw this man. He's late. He's running late. And something happened, his mother had passed away, dude. Not if this dude had just found out about it or what. So now this dude is crying, bro.

This man, I don't know, sitting in the back of my car crying. Damn, just give me the tugs, son. With this dog in there in the car, man. And I'm so scared and, like, I don't even know this dude. The wolf is probably sad, too. The wolf is just out the window like, ooh. And so then other people start to come in the distance. People hear a wolf.

It's L.A. Hell yeah. People think it needs to be rescued. You know, it's like, no, this wolf's just trying to fucking sell a gram, you know. This is a wolf's selling Graham, son. But so there was part of that that was always some mystique with it. And I don't, and I honestly, I don't even know how big of a, of a, I wasn't doing drugs forever. Did you ever do something strange for some change?

No, I never did anything like that. One man tried to get me to do something one time in New Orleans, but I had to go to the airport. What was trying you do to do? I don't know, bro. I suck his dick for some coke. You could just feel somebody's dick about to come out in the room. Yeah, and make an offer that you couldn't refuse. Yeah.

You got to leave. I got a plane, Doug. I was in a bathroom that had locks on both sides of the doors. I'm out, son. That's what I knew was squirrelly, but thank God I had to catch that flight, you know. But anyway, I started going to some of these meetings. When did you know it was time to go to these meetings? What was rock bottom?

Because, like, if you watch Intervention, the therapist always says, they have to hit rock bottom. Otherwise, you can keep doing this. Yeah. Yeah, and I didn't have anything. Like, I wasn't the guy. Nothing crazy was happening for me. I drove, one time I drove a car, and this is a YouTube clip that just came out, I drove a car.

I was high on cocaine, driving a taxi in New York, and I ended up meeting Daryl Strawberry. Did you sound drugs? No, he was 13 years sober. And this was on, it was just on that this is not happening, that Ari Shafir show. The new season. The new season. Not Ari Shafir. Yeah, they took it from R.

How dare you? Yeah, they took it from Rari. But yeah, so anyhow, I was on. I told that story. I told that story. Brilliant. And it's a true story, man. I was partying with this cocaine, with this taxi driver.

And, you know, he bought me an escort. I didn't want any escort. And I just, you know. What is this? The nicest taxi driver of all time? Nis. Luigi. Luigi bought you an escort?

Oh. Was she fine? With my own money, but still. You know, he presented it up. He hooked it up. And then, and drugs? Oh, I'll pay for the drugs, too, but still he hooked it up. Still.

I'm just one-stop shop. This man's connected. And then he picked up Daryl Strawberry? No. And then we end up on their opium. Jim Norton radio show. Oh, yeah, I love Jim. And I couldn't even talk.

And the other guest for the day was Mr. Daryl Strawbear. Oh, nice. And that was when there was this weird moment for me, like, here was a good opportunity for me being on with Opie and Jim, you know, two men that I admire. Yeah, huge show.

And Jim Norton, one of the funniest men alive, I think. Agree. And I couldn't even talk. Because you're so high? Yeah. And I'd left a party at 1 a.m. The night before to get home, just to go home and be ready for this moment.

With this taxi driver trying to party. And it's, well, and something, yeah, there was a couple of elements where next thing you know, there are. And so it just made me think, like, man, like, you're not 100% of control of what you're doing all the time. Yeah. And I didn't want to be there. And so then I started going to these meetings. And then some things changed for me. I used to think that the world was always against me.

You know, I grew up in this poor white environment and, like, you know, not a lot is done from my perspective for poor white people. Everybody thinks they're racist. Everybody thinks that they're, you know, you're poor. black, you're poor in Latino. There's all kinds of, there's a lot of programs. There's a lot more outreach. And there's a lot more from the media as if that's okay. But you're pouring white. It's like you did something wrong. Yeah, you've been lost. You know, yeah, I didn't do anything wrong. You know, my father's from Nicaragua. My mother's from Illinois. Like, I was just alive. That's all I did. Yeah. And so I grew up with this chip on my shoulder and I always thought the whole world was

against me. Which is why you're successful comment. Which I think is it served me well. But it got to a point where it wasn't serving me well. It doesn't walk, it doesn't feel good at a certain age, walking around feeling like that all the time. Yeah. And the AA program for me has helped me to realize that that's not the truth. That's just the truth that I was carrying. That's the truth that you came up with yourself. Right. To get, well, it was almost like you came up with yourself to get out of those conditions.

Right, to survive. I needed it. Yeah. I needed some chip on my shoulder. And then, but then at this point in my career wasn't serving me well anymore. And so that program helped me to realize that the whole world wasn't against me. By just talking about it? By taking you through this 12th.

They've got 12 steps in there. And I'm not even through all of them, but just being in there. What step you on? I'm on step four. God damn, damn you have a long ways to go. Yeah, man. It's a steep case, bro. God, damn.

Yeah, that's a journey. Get in there! Get in there! It's a journey. It's a journey. But you still feel good about yourself. Yeah, I feel good. I feel better.

I feel like I have a better shot at just being, living a more comfortable future from my insides. The thing wasn't even about, like, I don't care about drinking or drugs, but I do care about how I feel inside of myself. But I think as a comic, and a lot of comics say the same thing. I don't think there's any, it's a fine line between knowing you're good at what you do, but also hate your work. Yeah. You don't want to be like, oh, I'm the best ever. I'm the greatest comic in the world. Yeah.

You know, because I don't think that brings any sort of creativity to the thing. Yeah, a lot of ego. Yeah, I think after an ego go, I can do this, and I'm fearless, but the same time, I think my material sucks. Yeah. Yeah, I think always when you look back at your old material, it's going to suck dick, dude. I'm sure when Chim played his first song, if you look back at some of that, what were you playing? It was actually pretty good. Just kidding.

Chin's always been good. Has he? I can see it, though. I don't know. He's affected. Yeah, I've known him for like three years. I have no idea. He's 40.

He might have been terrible when he's 20. Dude, yeah, you never know, man. But even with the, on the, this is not happening. I'm on the next season. Season 5? I'm on season 5. And how long did you, did we shoot that? Six months ago?

at least for me probably long on that oh yeah they're doing two seasons i'm on the next one i'm on the next one wow but the story that they have i've i've taken that and i've evolved it into a full 30 minute set yeah that's part of my act that's awesome i almost don't want to hear it i know i'm like no no no hold up no i need that no don't hear that that's some bullshit and then they edit i'm like 10 it's 10 minutes the fuck no don't do that and you know my it's a four minutes yeah my agent's like no it's comedy central i'm like um who cares don't air it's son. Yeah, I'd rather air our own stuff these days

and do Comedy Central, man. You know, no disrespect, but they only paid me, they paid me $1,500 for that story. Everyone gets $1,500. Yeah. That's a 20-minute story I gave them. I'm in a different lane than you are.

Right. For me, just do stand-up, I would have paid to do it. You know what I'd pay to be on Comedy Central. That's a good point. For a guy like me, and my biggest issues, I'm almost embarrassed.

Like, if you go, you're a comic, I'm like, uh, kind of, you know, I'm like, I'm embarrassed of it. But that's got my own issues. That's kind of funny if you're embarrassed out. Everyone has their own issues.

That should be your special called Embarrassed. Embarrassed. Yeah. Embarrassed. Like, God, I'm embarrassed to be doing this, but you still keep doing it. That's great. Well, I love it. It's my, you know, since I was a kid, I want to do it.

But, yeah, I feel like I haven't paid my dues to refer to myself as a comic. Yeah. I think it's fair. I think it's a good. When I'm around all the comics, I feel like the punter on the football team. Do you? Oh, yeah. Like, I haven't, like, I didn't, I didn't pay my dues.

I didn't, I wasn't in the gym while everyone else was shooting. Yeah, does that make sense? You're at Norstrom, bro. You're at Norstrom, changing tires. To quote Drake, I'm the, where were you in Flint and we were shooting in the gym? You're like, dude, I was fucking punched in the face. I was putting a new carburetor into a sail rack. That's what I was doing, dude.

I was at Nordstrom, baby. But yeah, man, I appreciate, you know, I mean, this, yeah, I don't know, I have felt more comfortable since I started going to that program for me. That's huge, right? Yeah, and it is. For me, it's been helpful, man. It's been helpful. And I don't know if I'll always be in it.

I don't know if I'll always feel that way. How long have you been in it? Almost two years in July. And you're only at four? Yeah. Yeah, you got a long way to go, son. Yeah. So I do want to get through the steps.

And, you know, and then I have other people that reach out and I'm like, man, I'm in the pro. You know, I do this or I struggle with some of this. And so then I feel a little bit like, you know, it inspires me because it's like, oh, well, you know, I can go one more day. I'll hear somebody's crazy story. Yeah, I know. And that's what the meetings are for. You go to these meetings. And somebody tells you the craziest.

story. It's inspiring. It's inspiring. Like, oh, I can do this one more day for that person. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I'm sure it's in current events. We see, like, the rock was like, oh, I suffered with depression as a kid and, you know, I cry every day and my mom tried him in suicide all the stuff. I was thinking about it and people were like,

damn, the rock seems like the happiest guy ever. And I think there's a difference between clinical depression and being depressed at a part of your life. Right. Because I've had times during my fight career, football career, life in general, where I'm depressed. Yeah. I don't need, I don't need medication.

There's a difference between having a brain where you're clinically depressed and then going through moments in life where you're depressed. I think we need to kind of draw the line there because everyone goes, damn, I don't know the rock had mental issues. I think he's going through a rough patch in his life. Yeah. I don't think he's clinically depressed like everyone else. Yeah, I mean, he named himself after a piece of gravel, right?

But that I'll make him a bad guy, right? We've all done things. We've all had rough times. Right, we've all had rough times. But no, I feel you. And I think a lot of these, and especially you did it's so funny, I was going to say Yahoo. Yahoo, I used to love Yahoo. I used to work for them. But they've become this company where it's like, every day it's like, this celebrity had

an eating disorder as a child. It's like they just use things to try and make celebrities seem fucked up. Fucked up, to make them seem more likable to fans. And here's the problem with that. And most people, and even I was a victim of this where I thought as a comic, man, I'm not as fucked up and dark as all comics are. And Brian goes, hold on. All comics aren't like that. The reason you think that is because they glorify that.

There's a lot of comics who are just fine. Right. But you see in music, you see in acting, you see in sports. The guys who are fucked up, it gets broadcast the world now. So you assume everyone's like that. But that's not true. Oh, it's interesting. And the odds would even say out of musicians, actors, artists,

um, uh, comics, what? Artists is a word. Artisers, write that down, man. Artists, comics. Oh, yeah, you got brain trauma. Fuck, yeah. Yeah, yeah. See, I didn't get clear to Down syndrome like you, but I got my own issues.

My bad, man. I feel so bad now. But they're saying after like, they're saying if you look at the odds, the odds are most of those people do not have it. We just glorify the ones that do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Damn, you have fucking brain trauma.

Yeah, man. And I'm sitting here this whole time, I'm acting like you didn't. My bad. No, no, no, no. But I would make fun of you because you had down. syndrome. I might be worse. And you got cleared of it.

It depends, man. You know, you got to get in there and beat it, bro. You got to shift your own genes sometimes. I feel I'm trying to shift these jeans on the brain trauma, son, and it ain't working. But no, look, man, I do think it's like, so what happens when we get to the point where we have used everything, even things that are really serious? And, like, the, like, because I feel like it's like the news and the media that it's like, oh, we need this star to seem more likable to sell books next year.

next month it's like now let's make them have an eating just you know not make them or or let's glorify it even if it wasn't that bad i agree if they have oh you had you struggled this oh in high school you actually liked another dude right well you're gender neutral yeah yeah let's do that and fly the flag i'm like god dog yeah yeah yeah yeah and i think it's scary you're trying to get some fans in this air where it what it does it's same thing with like these this me too movement where someone would come up like oh i had this issue where it wasn't an issue it was consensual you're actually down, who've done this as many of dudes, what you're doing is you're fucking up the movement

because there's some actual victims. Right. And now when you do that, and you get the spotlight, it takes away from the actual victim. Yeah, like Jennifer Lawrence came out and had some story. It was just like, you know, some guy you know, looked at me like, while I was changing a clothing or something. I'm just like, what the fuck?

Yeah, that's just, so many celebs sometimes will jump on, you know, and that kind of stuff they just want to relate to it. Yeah, they just want to relate and they don't want to miss out on the opportunity to seem, correct, have their name in the news. You know, but I think a lot of America's starting to get hip to that kind of stuff these days. Some of it, yeah, and I think they're sick of it. Yeah.

I mean, I think you saw that with, like, the Academy Awards. It's like, it was like their lowest percentage watched ever, or the biggest drop, you know? Someone said to drop, like, 17% of viewership. Yeah, I had to work it. I was bored. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I was working the right carpet for E. I was bored.

Yeah. Yeah, and I think, and mark my words, who, who's the man that's the country man that's on the used to date Miranda Lambert. You remember that man? Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. I bet he has so many offers coming into him

He will host one of those awards shows next year Everybody's going to look like Who's the only person we know That can like relate to half of America Do you think Blake Sheldon? Oh, I think he's going to be Hollywood's first thought Why? Because they look at their networks

Like, well, who do we have? Well, they haven't had a, I'm talking like southern or rural kind of vibe Like they haven't had a southern person on a sitcom This would kind of hurt some of my feelings When I get out here, they like come out here And live your dream They haven't had a southern person on a sitcom

I'm a person with a rural accent. I can't even think of a win. Well, my name is Earl. But like on a main network. A sitcom, but also like the whole redneck movement, you might be a redneck if.

Yeah, that was 25 years ago that came out though. It's huge. He had his own show too. Yeah, he has his own show. But since then, it's like those people are banned from like TV.

And I'm not even a redneck. I'm just grew up in a fucking shit hole area. Yeah. You know? Like, we didn't have a bass boat. We didn't have NASCAR. You know what I'm saying?

We didn't have, we had Willie Nelson. so I don't know I'll play Willie Nelson. But isn't rednecks is the equivalent of, you know, like, ghetto. If you refer to anyone who's poor as ghetto, wouldn't white people ghetto be redneck? Yeah. That's our ghetto version. Yeah, I guess so or white trash.

I like white trash a lot better. I can relate to that. Than redneck? Yeah, redneck, they just think, like, well. Yeah, redneck, they just know about fishing. I think South, like, poor South, like, yeah. Yeah, redneck seems like it's more of a brand to me. Yeah, where you don't have to be poor.

You can still be redneck and have your shit. together. Right. Meaning maybe your dad worked at Home Depot and you drive a truck with them steel nuts in the back hand. Yeah. It's lifted and you kind of have your shit together, but you have a mullet and you have like, you know, you wear tank tops and shitty tan and you drink fucking Bud Light.

You go to the lake with your friends. You're not dead broke. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you got to, yeah. Yeah, I think that's it. And it's okay. I mean, all those are fine. But I do feel like sometimes they're like the only people you can make fun of an

American anymore are like poor white people. And that makes me mad sometimes, you know. That's fair. It's like, oh, you can do any accent. You can do any red, any other accent, though, like it's, you know, it's, oh, that's racist or that's this or that. But you can, you know, impersonate like a country white person. Like a Billy boy. Like that.

It's all good. But then sometimes I'll go to some of these areas where those people are still like that. And some of those people will still be, like, super racist and super ignorant. And that shit makes me not feel sorry for those people, you know? I mean, like, you know, I don't really have a stomach for, you know, for just sense. racism these days. Yeah, it's just sad. So I'm glad, you know, some of the movements and stuff, it's good because some of that stuff will go away. But you're trying to be the voice of the poor white. Well, I'm just, I mean, that's all I can be is just where I'm from.

That's what you represent. Yeah, but I am glad that I have been fortunate to see. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, sir. Are you trying to write the plot of eight miles? I mean, you're talking about eight miles. But Eminem changed, though. You're talking about eight miles in New Orleans, though? Eminem lost like a bunch of his fans last year. He like kind of went into this rogue direction kind of really? I think so. He was anti-Trump. Yeah, he was anti-Trump, but it seemed like he disconnected from some of his base. But I think, you know. Well, he went, Emma, he just wanted time off.

He was sick of the hustle. Yeah. You seen his daughter? Not mad at her. Really? I would crawl eight miles to get to that. Wow, huh? Yeah.

I haven't seen her. I might crawl five. Let me get a picture at her. Yeah, no, you crawl eight miles. I'm not guessing how far I'd crawl before I've seen a picture. Oh, my God. Oh. Damn.

Is that Stan? What's her name? Haley. Haley, yeah. Haley, oh my God, she looks so much like him, bro. A little bit. Damn, I get up in mom's spaghetti right there, son. You feel me?

Yeah, you'll... Whatever you say, I am. Real slim, shady stand up. Wow, but no legs. Is she shown any full body picks, or what's up? Right there. Yep. Are you mad at that or no?

What's up, Doug? You crawled him eight miles, right? Damn, boy. God damn, I tell her I am the... You jump in that swamp cruiser and get going. Oh, I'd sneak in her car to gas station and tell her I'm the head button champion of the world. Get in there! I'd swim through some fucking alligators where you're here from to get to her son.

Get in there! Get her in there! This boy fucking Gerald was a dude's name. Tight Gerald, everybody called him. Tight Gerald. Because his jeans, someone says his jeans were a little bit tight. Not his pants. His genetic genes were tight.

Yeah. Some of you see people in there a little... Little tight. They fish him for regularity. Struggle City is what I call it Yeah, he'd be on the porch every day He's from Struggle City Yeah, he's from Struggle City

Well, I was about to rock The Bell's about to rock At least he had a good taste of music Nothing wrong was Oh, he did man That's what music was awesome, man No, she's not a current event Chin should we do some current events

But I still love him, man I've always been an Eminem Fuck yes Game Changer Yeah He gave everybody purpose Every one Every poor white kid

It was Eminem was their only purpose You've seen his facial hair now right Eminem's? Yeah, no It looks It's going to bum me out. Let me see. I always thought he had it a little bit honestly,

and this is an, yeah, I thought he had an Asian face. Odd to me. Like it just doesn't fit. Yeah, he looks like Justin, uh,

don't say Justin Timberlake. Justin Terlake's older, darker, he looks like Justin Boots, Timberlake. He looks like, it looks like somebody that would wear Justin Boots.

He looks like the guy that made those boots for Calh. Yeah, he looks like Callin's Nordic Haberdasher. whoever that is. He looks like the guy would feel bad for Callan

and make him some shitty boots. That's what he looks like. Yeah, you don't like his face show? You like him clean cut. That's because you want him to be the same M&M Slim Shady

from those, you are those TRL days. I just think this looks odd. It just doesn't like compute in my head. It doesn't make sense. You know what he looks like? He looks like he looks like somebody that's going through gender relocation surgery.

Yes. Thank you. He looks like someone who wishes they were M&M and he's confused. Yeah, it looks like somebody who's just they were just Emma To Eminem, yeah That's what it looks like

Emma He looks like he's gonna be Emma Yeah, he looks like he's converting to Emma Yeah Or no, he looks like Lisa He's trying to be Eminem now Yeah, yeah And she's taking testosterone

And the hair's starting to sprout On the gym Definitely and he looks a little bit Asian doesn't he? He has kind of an Asian It does a little Really? I think Asians can go

In between genders like Like no one else's business Ties especially Because you go to Thailand Yeah Some of those Thai boys Those lady boys nothing wrong with that

if you wake up with a dick in your mouth why don't have to be in your mouth can it be in your hand what if y'all just met you know what I'm not gonna grab his dig when I first met if he feeds me some sort of drinks I pass out why would you you can't do nothing with my dead hand

you're gonna go for these lips son sordid drinks are you in games of Thrones who says sordid drinks I've watched a lot of game of throats oh the sordid ale Before we do

Frank questions I mean Current events I take a hard piss Go for it Get that hard piss out dude Thanks bro Yeah I'm sitting over here

I'm not sitting by this dude anymore Okay three questions right now With Brennan Shalb Three questions All right You get pulled over by the police right Yeah And you have to hide

Cocaine or pills Or some very unique rare protein that you got a hold of. Like a hemp protein or like a goat's way? Sure. Where do you put it at? Anus. On my ass.

Okay. And how many fingers do you use to do it, honestly? Two. No more than three. Whoa, bro. Damn, is it Christmas? Okay. Second question.

Everyone you know is pretty much dying, right? Yeah. And most of your family's in a fire. Okay. Who do you go back in to get? My son. Okay. Okay.

All right. Dan, that was kind of sad. Sorry. But God bless him. And God bless your friends that passed. Okay. How about this, dude? You, things don't pan out, right?

The modeling. I'm not a bottle. Yeah, sure you aren't, too. I'm a Nordstrom's rack model. Yeah. The modeling, the wrestling, none of it works out, right? I'm not in the WWE either. The brown belt or whatever the new food service you're offering is.

None of it works out. what job do you end up getting honestly you have to move back to Akron you have to move back to Denver sorry which yeah Denver which is basically Mountain Ohio it's the Cleveland of the mountains Denver you have to move back to Denver I'm working at PetSmart

PetSmart PetSmart okay I love animals I like the blue polo they make you wear There you go That's three questions in front of shout All right let's get into this news huh Yeah let's do this Doug Did you come with those questions yourself

I like that three questions, man. That one was sad about saving my family, don't know. It was. But you've got to have something there that makes people, you know, get to know your feelings, I think. Some people's feelings are going to be hurt. I'm not saving them, but... Yeah, look. But you've got to say your son. If you just had somebody else, dude.

Save my girl. I need this dick, son. Oh, dude. Just a bad guy. And your son's just in there just fending off flames with a little shield you bought him? Or some cheap shield that you made him? Oh, man. I once got a shield from Whitney Cummings that said Big Brown on it

It was a straight up shield They used for the task force Oh wow The most legit shield I've ever seen my life She gave it as a gift? Yeah Did you guys ever bang or no? Yes, he is

What's the current of mention? I would look at it right now Wow I didn't say nothing Police hunting Baby snatching monkey After the baby was found dead Is this from my childhood because I

Is this in Louisiana? Louisiana? No, India. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Little India, that's what they call Louisiana. Really? Some parts. And we used to hunt monkeys. We didn't hunt monkeys, but we used to catch them

and I was young because they got out. A monkey in India's eastern state of Odisha. So what's this monkey doing? Just stealing babies and killing them? It just grabbed a baby, took it, slammed it against the wall, and then they found it later. This is a terrible story,

but I mean, it's just crazy. That makes you feel sick. They should definitely kill that monkey. So they're looking for it, and of course, they're trying to find it to kill it. They're looking for that monkey, which looks like particular monkey. Every monkey. Yeah.

But also, uh, let's go ahead and slap the parents around them. There's no monkey, no monkey, even if I lived in India, would be, ever get close to my son. But listen to this. I don't let strangers at the grove get close to my kid. Okay. A little of a fucking wild monkey. Oh, dude. You know what I'm saying?

Well, this is the angriest, uh, mechanic I've ever on out of it. But these are like people that live in a village, you know, they, they can't control that. They're not like us here. Yeah. You couldn't, you could not. If you could not defend your child against monkeys if you wanted to. For sure. Joe Rogan would argue this to the end of the earth.

No, no, no, no. Joe Rogan would argue with straight up like chimpanzees. Yeah, we're all fucked. Yeah. That monkey? Yeah, let's see that monkey again. I'm fucking slapping the piss out of that thing. Oh my God.

That's a little spider monkey. That is a little spider monkey. And look, I'll say this. I was in, was I in Malaysia one time. Doing comedy? Nope, just just doing being a student. I was a student when I was younger, and I was in Malaysia, and I saw a monkey steal a bag of chips from a black girl, right? Fucking racist.

It is racist. It's everything. You know, it's everything. It's everything. It's starvist. It's everything. Starvist. But artists.

Do you think you could take a, do you think you just picture like a healthy black woman? You think you could take a bag of chips from her? No. And this monkey did it. I know. So that's what I'm saying. I could do that with a baby. Was he on the sneak, though?

was he was he were always like look over there and shank bro they're always on the sneak and there are signs and say do not touch the monkeys do not feed the monkeys don't touch monkeys don't like us and that's why we didn't come from monkeys because we're gonna if they're doing this kind of shit dude this isn't friendly shit you know what I know some people steal chips too I've seen people steal chips yeah I've seen human steal chips we come from monkeys son okay I'll take that that's a good point

I don't think that we do though I think that they don't want us here and shit's gonna get haywire soon Oh, here you go again with the movie plot. So already, quote 8 Mile. Now, you're talking about Planet of the Yates? Whatever, dude. I've never seen that. What else you got, dude?

Let's go to, okay, you want to one more bad one? Sure. It's not killing kids. It's right. No, no. So this is some just crazy one. Some people were inside a car with the loaded. The woman said that it's not loaded.

She didn't think it was loaded. The guy next to her was like, dude, don't point it at me. She ends up actually shooting him He didn't die though But he's in critical condition So here's This is on Facebook live too Play it

Is the actual video? Yeah But they're not gonna show the actual thing So they're doing a Facebook live thing Is that guy in the left get shot Or the guy in the hat? Who do you think? The guy in the hat

No So there's a gun on that console Are they trying to rob something? No, they're just trying to show off And that's the girl's holding the gun right now We draw down on them home. She ain't down no clip, bud. Oh, I don't know.

So stupid. She said, ooh. She had no idea. She thought it was not loaded. So she's trying to show off like she's hard. And the guys, you could tell us like, just easy. I'll tell her. A monkey would steal her bag of chips.

Oh, I don't know. I didn't know the gun. Can you believe somebody just shot their fucking friend in her car on a Facebook line? Trying to joke around. Quit. People should not be just, should not be allowed. to get Facebook live. I agree. Do you have to go through some

requirements? Also, there should be some requirements for you to start a YouTube channel too. Yeah. Like, she's just doing it for the gram. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, she's just trying to get followers. We, listen, first of all, you cruise around the streets or wherever you're at with your friends and just because you have a gun, you're not going to get followers. Yeah. You're not going to get followers.

Yeah. All right. You're giving followers, but you shouldn't be allowed to have a channel. You should not be allowed to have a channel. It's not right. And that's the thing, dude. They have to have stricter laws for people trying to get Facebook live. I agree. Because it's not fair. Now, I have to live with seeing this.

You know, now I have to know that this, some lady's shooting her friends in an Uber pool. Do you know in Chicago on Facebook Live, there's three teenagers that basically held hostage and beat up a white kid. I saw that. Yeah. Yeah. It was sad, man. It's racist. And I think they called that a hate crime.

It's racist. And they all got. And they called it a hate crime. It should be. If anybody does that just because. You know why the one thing I do like it? Because that's how they got caught. If there was no Facebook live, they probably won't get caught.

That's the only good thing. Those morons put on Facebook live. That's true. So this all could have gone to court. We don't know who did it. Everybody's denying it. And then, but now we know. It's a good point.

I wonder what happens with her. He goes to prison for being a moron. If he dies, he didn't die. If he dies, if he dies, probably in voluntary. He gets, things don't end well. It's so stupid that I don't know why these people do this. But it's good that people realize not to mess around like that. Should you look like you lost some weight?

No, I can't. You gain weight. Bro, I saw that Chin just moved downtown. Got himself a high rise down town. Did you really, Chin? He got himself a high rise down. Well, no, he's renting a high rise down town.

He's living down there. That's nice. He's bawling, right? And then I see him on social media post videos of this motherfuckers eating, what is it? Shake shack every day. Well, I only went twice, but I did it two days in a row. He got two hamburgers, two hot dogs.

Dude, people come to America. They get addicted to American cuisine. Well, he grew up here. Oh, I did grow up here. Well, but still, it could be in your jeans. Maybe your forefathers won it. You just went nuts on it? I think I had it once, and I was like, crap, it tastes is so good.

So I'm going to just do it one more time and then chill. And now you're addicted, like Theo on cocaine. And this is how it starts, dude. There's 12 steps that'll get you better, brother. Tell him. That'll set you free, dude. Yeah, you're out there thinking about. He's on four, he's straight.

What can I put cheddar on next? You know what I'm saying? I think if I get too big, I'll stop. Go on. You dig these. Yeah, this is a self-conscious. That's how it goes, bro. If I get like 300 pounds, I'll stop.

That's how it goes. You're 500 pounds. You're on my 600 pound life. We have to fire you. It's my 600-pound producer. That's what you're going to be. Yeah, you're fired because it's sad to look at. It's like shit.

No belt. That's what your show is going to be called instead of below the belt. No, zero belt. Speaking of zero belt, I think the guest of the year last year didn't even get a title. I know. We do need to get them a title belt. There's people that reached out about a nice looking belt. Making a belt?

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, get us up. We need to feel a belt. Get that cobbler, too. Who's that guy? You don't want him to make shoes. You know what?

I'm going to send those shoes to our worst guest to the year. Oh, yeah. You know what we should do? We should paint those gold and make him like the worst guest of the year trophy. Skylar Astor, I think, won it. Oh, man. That's dirty. Was he in that, was he in Hamilton or something?

What was he in? I'm sure. He's in everything. He's in trolls. Is he really? Yeah. Wow. The voice of Branch.

Trolls was so good. Well, the Troll's movie is Justin Timberlake. He's on the Trolls series on Netflix. Oh, I haven't seen that. I'm glad of it. Still good. Really? Trolls movies is ridiculous, though.

Troll's movie so good. Branch, my man. All right, what else you got, Chinning Tatum and his girl, Jennifer Dewan, or Jenna Dewan, they're separating. They've been together forever, right? They were on the first step up. You guys remember step up when he came out? Yeah. Yeah, the first movie.

Does it say why? It's just time to move on, I guess. They've been together forever, though, right? Forever. And they have kids? They have kids. And a bunch of couples and people, like, idolize their relationship. Forever, right?

Yeah. Damn. So they're breaking up. Do you think he's an attractive male, Theo? Channing Tatum? My girl, this morning, I go, man, I said, this is my life. I go, Tatum, was it? Tadam.

Yeah, Chatham. I said, do you think he's attractive? She goes, basic white boy. I went, God, you don't look basic, does he? I think he looks basic. He looks like kind of like the best looking dude, like at, you know, at like a division for high school. He looks like the starring quarterback who's like a stud, and then years later just didn't pan

out. Yeah, I mean, he looks like Johnny Mansell could look if he got his healthiest and more of some eye shadow. He does look like his eyeshows. I think he's a handsome guy. I hear he's a sweet man. Do you ever see him on, on a fucking, what's that? Down Under movie.

What's the movie was that where he's shaking his dick? Oh, I don't watch all of that. I don't try to look at anything on the internet with people are naked. No, man, it was a movie. Magic Mike. Oh, Magic Mike. No, I didn't see that.

I didn't see it either, but I've seen fucking clips what I'm saying. He's bodyed up, son. Oh, he's got a beautiful body, I think. That's not basic there. Yeah, see, this is something else for me. This was like something in Oklahoma where you shouldn't have bought a ticket to it. You know, this is not like you got free tickets at the casino and you end up at this.

Yeah, word. But, yeah, I mean, look, I mean, the man, you know, he's Jack. He's that lifeguard that fucks everybody in your town and is also a nice dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to win, right? Yeah. And, I mean, I'm just, I wonder what happened.

I wonder if it's just too much pressure from, you know, to have a comfortable relationship in Hollywood. Who has a relationship in Hollywood that's even lasted? You know, you know who's killing it is, uh, Dax Shepard and his girl. Oh, yeah. Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell. Yeah. They live in Venice, dude.

That's probably going to be the next, the next one. That's fucked up. How about dark chin over here? They're next. Yeah. There's a lot of pressure on me. Not really, but she wrote like a whole. Franken chin.

I know, right? Dr. Franken chin, he's coming out. Count chocolate, chin over there. Count chin. Chincula. You can't say it. Count chinula. Yeah, you can't say it as past.

It's tough. Well, if you say it past, it's racist. Yeah, super racist. So you got to say count chin, Kula. but if you say it fast it's so it's racist dude all i was saying is they're definitely not breaking up but she wrote a whole thing on

how to how to stay together like why it's so long she wrote like this whole list man pretty gangster well that sounds like a lot of pressure not to live up to that list dude uh so blake shelton and marina lambert they were also a couple that was idolized for their relationship in the park yeah then he met it's a pressure yeah she actually cheated on him first though Miranda Miranda cheered on Blake first oh wow yeah Wow People will be cheating

I mean But I think yeah That guy's gonna have a million offers Watch him host Everything coming up Blake Shelton Just watch I'm not saying that he is the best

Or amazing at it I think his Twitter used to be a lot of fun He used to be a little bit more candid and stuff Well now he's on fucking The Voice So it's so mainstream Yeah now he can't say too much Yeah

But I think And he's out Arenas Yeah And I think he's you know I think he's right I really like country music But I think

He's gonna be the one that Hollywood's like that's the guy that can you know help get our over homeboy who's the homeboy on uh american idol right now he's really good too american idol yeah ever heard of the coaches yeah i haven't watched it in front of why'd you go american idol yeah

you're acting like you just got off the boat you're going to shaking shack or what the fuck it is you just ask you're not working hard anymore you're turning into a white bro what's going on oh this guy Luke Luke Brian

Oh Luke Brian's on there I think he has Potentially bigger star Than your boy And who is that Is that big Big time real fast He's so big

Who's that lady That looks like Katie Perry Is it really Yeah Her short hair's a bad look Oh wow She looks

You and her have the same haircut Different A little bit A little bit Her's just lighter Looking them You know what Lionel Richie looks like me

You look like Kitty Perry If somebody doesn't mock up for this episode Put those faces in If somebody does a mock up for this episode Guarantee Martin Arboretic guy will do that Or Photoshop Steve Will That's you and me right there Oh dude definitely

I look like Lano Richie You look like fucking Lino Richie Rob Limited range of motion in your neck Yeah Bad scarfs Yeah bad scarves random ass jewelry shit big ass

DSL lips his teeth are wider but our nose is the same and then you just look like Kate Perry yeah I look like Katie Perry but with somebody else's nose though yeah yeah like if Carrie Perry with Shrek

I look that across between Katie Perry and Shrek you look like Katie Perry she fucking got punched in the nose bunch of times hey guys she's a bunch it could have just been like 10 or 12 times who knows where that head buddy hit me

I love you the head button Hey, what do I know, man? I'm just an Norton Bragg fucking engineer. You're just some guy on his lunch break that's hanging out in the electronics section right now. Like, well, somebody, please

ring the lunches overhorn because this guy's doing too much. Wow, you do look like fucking Lionel Richie. Unbelievable. That's you and me, bro. And what's wrong with the guy on the right?

Yeah, why's he so stiff? He's happy. And why is his arm so long? Oh, no. That's, that's, that's uh that's ryan secret no what if that's his arm coming around lano rich that's what i was saying why the fuck's so long that's you know rangatee that's sad i got medium-length arms dude yeah my aren't super long either really yeah i don't have a cancled dick though yeah that's a good point

that's a good point dude it's tough yeah i just my arms have never really lived up to their potential never developed i don't think fully i think if i'd spend another two days in the womb boy you think it was the water in the in louisiana i think my mom was just fucking anxious and probably wanted to have me early. Yeah, and stunted your growth. Oh, dude, I knew this boy in our town. He'll, I mean, his mom had him early as fuck, dude, because they were going to go on vacation.

Yeah. And she didn't want to be pregnant on vacation. Legit point where are they going to SeaWorld or something? Yeah, I don't know where I think. Panama City Beach. They're going to Splash City or something. Yeah, I think they're going to Evansville, Indiana. I think they were just, where's that bitch trying to go to Bush Gardens?

I think it was just they were camping in their front yard. bro is there a shittier venue to go as a kid than bush gardens those motherfuckers have charlie brown at their mass garden i liked bush gardens man of course you did we didn't go there but we would go to like we would drive to those places and go to the other places that were around bush gardens yeah for discount yeah like uh spicy's fun house or whatever yeah bush garden some low level shit that one that one looks legit yeah but now not not I'm talking about the Bush Gardens in L.A., son, where they have Charlie Brown. They don't have a Bush Gardens in L.A.

What am I thinking of? That's a very farm. Ah, Bush Gardens is legit. Hold up. I retract all those statements. But they have Sesame Street as their mascot, so that's some bullshit. Bush, or what am I, what I say? Nottsbury Farm is that bullshit.

Yeah, it is. It's part of the worst. What about hang time? That's a place. That sounds, A, racist for a water park. And B, you know what? I don't fuck with water parks. Really?

I don't like the aquas socks. I don't like being in the sun. goddamn day. I don't like the grown man around the kids all the goddamn time. I don't like the lazy pool. It bothers me. And then they have the big wave pool, which is my favorite. It gets too crowded. People get fucked up. I find it dangerous. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Well, wave pool is basically just who's going to get rescued from your family. For real? Somebody always gets rescued. You're a drunk uncle who thinks he can swim. None of them bitch has been to the beach. You have people from, you know, wherever. In Colorado, we call it South Shore. They had a big wave pool. Super dangerous.

We're not used to them big ass ways. We're not from the beach so we didn't know how to react to those things yeah so dudes were getting fucking knocked up probably people crying in colorado say it's a hate crime concussed yeah just a strong wave we're all getting concussed son unbelievable once a concusses a bunch of concusses out there from a wave pool that that lazy river whoever came with that is a special fucking demon dude somebody shit in one when i was out in lafayette one time i've done that before and they didn't even clean it they're like oh it'll the river adapts that's what the lady said well it ain't a river you dumb bitch it's obviously man-made

I know bitch I'm like the river of that it's not the fucking Nile you dumb bitch this ain't a Mekong Delta out here you know it's in the Mississippi River you dumb bitch this is the lazy river

Brendan's running out of rivers to names so we had to go to like the biggest river in America and that was it after that he was gonna name like an ocean bro I said the Nile and Mississippi can you name

another? Yeah, bro. I can name 200 other rivers. Those are the mainstream. There's a ton of rivers, you idiot. Name another one. The top of your head. The top of my head, bro.

The Colorado River. The Los Angeles River. There's no Los Angeles River. There is, but it's not really a river. Yes, it is. It's not a real one like the Mississippi. It pays taxes, bro. It's a real river.

No, man. Mississippi. numeral uno to Nile Big one Okay Yeah No doubt

The Nile's a big one That was my Reference Point but he's Yeah But there's a lot Of other I knew

He's like He's gonna go For another Huge river And then he's Out of rivers You're so right I was like

You're so right When's the last time You like Did a fucking Mapp for rivers Huh I'm so busy I didn't

What You don't have to Look at them at You people know rivers You You fuck Get in there

Get in there Bro Name five rivers. Not Mississippi, not the Nile, not Colorado. Go. Okay. The Chifuncta River. That's fake. All right. That's a real river. Chin, okay. Chifunk. Chifunkda. Where's that at? Huh? In Louisiana. The Colorado River. I said no Colorado. Don't count. You're on one right now. Why no Colorado? It's two major. I'm from Colorado. Of course I don't Colorado River. You should have named your own fucking river. I want it even bigger. Okay. You want a different river?

Yeah. How about the, uh, I have it right here. Yeah, go ahead. Um, the Ohio River. Done. What about the, um, the, uh, hold on. This is a great river that's in Tennessee. It's called the, um, Menongahela. It's actually in Pittsburgh.

Land. Yeah. I'm not buying these. Look at the fucking Mononguehela, dude. Manongahela. Well, Chin is not a spell, dude. Yeah, that is. You're right.

Chin. Minongahela River right there. Chin, type in top rivers in the United States. Top rivers is going to be a page. Top Rivers is a dude they used to teach P.E. at my school, actually. Top, Top Rivers. Some guy that just moved to L.A. taking happy glasses and has a shitty headshot. Top Rivers.

Holy fuck. Is that a porno star? Get in there. Get in there. Top Rivers. What's your name, Top Rivers? Top Rivers. And watch he'll be the next Channing Day to him.

Dude, killing it. Top Rivers. You probably took Kennington's girl. There's a couple of rivers right there. Los Angeles Rivers. They're like Bell Creek Yeah, there's tons of fucking river

Ditches Hey, the point is Hey, the point is here, Theo You couldn't fucking name five Bro, I couldn't name five in a second He didn't even look him up The Ohio River The Colorado River

Two Although it's shrink out You said monolango Yeah, that's too Bogafalaya River The Chifonkta River The Let's think of some other ones

Let's think of some other ones the point is it's hard no it isn't dude think of another one damn that's a real river he knows it's rivers well I know more rivers than two rivers in one of them's in Africa

than Nile the cradle of civilization river you only know like rivers that were either in the Bible or the Mississippi River I just know the majors road the Euphrates is that a river yes oh here he goes there he goes

There he goes. Bible rivers. That's all he knows. I know that one, bro. God, the Nile. Fuck, yeah, the Nile. He said Mekong, he just said it again. I'm surprised you do it.

Yeah. I'm surprised you. Mekong River? The way we got here, though, I was just saying that those fucking water parts are bullshit. Yeah, they are. What else you got, Chin? You want to do the Will Ferrell one?

Sure. So Will Ferrell and Walking Phoenix. I guess Will Ferrell was interviewing Joaquin Phoenix. How great. Have you read this interview? Someone sent this to me yesterday I tweeted it Will Ferrell conducted an interview by phone

to Joaquin Phoenix and they don't know each other and it was fucking hilarious because Will Ferrell was trying to be serious at first and Watkin Phoenix is like yo man how bad our interviews to do and Will Ferrell was like hold on I'm getting started and then he goes

they like talking about sports and walking Phoenix goes I didn't even know the Super Bowl was on someone told me to click to it because it was a good game so I saw the last seconds I don't know anything about it and Will Ferrell goes yeah I just watch because my kids, and he goes, hey, you live in L.A., and Joaquin goes, yeah, and Will goes, dude, I'm sure we live close.

Next time we have a sporn event, we always have people, you should come over. And Joaquin's like, no, I don't want to do that. Dead serious, he's like, no, I'm not doing that. And Wilfira goes, damn, just like that. And Joaquin's like, yeah, man, I'm sick of making excuses. I'm a grown man. I usually make excuses not to show up to things,

but I just stop, straight up tell people, no, I'm not doing it. And Will's like, God, I like that, man. And then they keep going, and Phoenix is like, yeah these interviews are all the same and then Wilfiel flips the page goes no not really hey do you remember when he did Gladiator he's like yeah he's like remember when you're that little bitch he's all yeah he's like yeah I like that role for you it was great man

it was fucking great wow I want to I want to read this I was laughing in my car I was laughing my car watching a man phenomenal interview and you can tell they don't know each other they don't know each other because Will goes we we saw each other that one time and I was like hey I'm a fan and he's like and you were like cool and Watkins like I don't remember any of that

so they don't know each other And then what's funny on social media While King's like, man, I don't get the social media thing I got on Twitter for a day And he was the next morning I thought I don't have to come up with shit every day to post on Twitter So he's like, I don't, it doesn't exist for me at all Yeah, Will goes, yeah, I just had a meeting with my team

He's called him his team too He's had a meeting with my team and they were like Hey, you need to do more social media And Will goes, if I have to do more social media I'm leaving the business Wow Yeah, he's like I don't want to do that man Which is interesting

They're at a level where he can do that though I feel like Yeah, I guess I mean yeah I mean, Will Ferrell's one of a kind. Joaquin Phoenix is one of a kind. He would play Johnny Cash, right? Yeah, hell yeah. He's a phenomenal.

So he could do whatever he wants, dude. Yeah, I mean, there's all, yeah, I mean, they're good. It's top five to me right now. Yeah. You know, you retired from acting like a little bit ago and said he's going to become a rapper. He's going through some shit. Yeah, he might have been, it could have been bipolar. It could have been just L.A.

This place will, it'll wreck your brain, man. But you read that, I never, you can, his insecurities are crazy. He's like, yeah, they offered me this role. I'm like, God, this shit offered to someone else. So I'm going to fuck this movie up. And Will Ferrell's like, well, you're a brilliant actor. You know that, right? And he's like, well, I don't know your taste.

You could have shitty taste in actors and movies. And Will's like, no, I kind of know my shit. And he's like, well, I always think there's better people for the role. That's when Will's like, no, you're a great and gladiator. And he's like, oh, yeah, what did you like great? You're that little bitch. That's hilarious. Dude, he was that little bitch there.

He was great. Yeah. What else is going on? What is going to be in New Jersey, man? For what? Comedy. where you had a couple weeks hasbrook heights have you been there no bananas it's called bananas comedy it's called bananas comedy i've never been did you see oh we went

either go ahead and play your dates when either oh yeah i am there in two weeks man or three weeks actually that's april 20th and 21st i'll be at bananas comedy in new jersey friday friday friday and saturday two shows friday two shows saturday two shows friday two shows Saturday. I told you I was in San Jose Improv and I was like, yeah, yeah, I got to get Theo here, man. Thanks, man. And the guy from San Jose's like, yeah, look, get us in contact with him. So, we should definitely do that. Yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to go there to San Jose. San Jose is the most diverse place I've ever been, I think. It's nuts, right? Yeah, it's like everything. It's almost perfectly diverse. It's like, oh, this is what America will be like in, you know, in the future.

You know, it's the most expensive place. I think it just beat out Manhattan for most expensive. Oh, really? Property. So do people got money out there? Well, it's Silicon Valley. So you got Facebook and all that shit there. And they're not building more houses. So the housing market's nuts. Like the average house is like $2.2 million or so. Wow.

Damn, we should have got, we should have land up there. I know. Or. So you go to New Jersey. Where else are you going? Yeah, well, I'm going to be at Cherokee Casino in June on June 9th. Where's Cherokee? Is it?

It's in, um, Cherokee Casino is out there outside of Oklahoma City about 50 minutes. I feel like I've been there. You might have. I got kicked off a limo bus out there. Oh, yeah, what river is that, I wonder. Can't tell you. Probably the Oklahoma River. And that'll be at Calgary and Yuck Yuck, you're going there.

When are you there? I'm June 15th and 16th. Damn, I'm April. Oh, you get there sooner. I'm in two weeks. Yeah, man, leave some room up there on the stage for me. Get out of here. And I'll go up there to Timbler Brewing and that's out in Bakersfield.

Dude, I'm there Friday. Are you really? Yeah. Damn, bro. Do we have the same Asian? What's up, Doug? I'm June 23rd. Are you at CAA?

Yeah. Oh, me too. That's great. You were Justin Edbrook? Uh-uh. I'm with Andy Farag, that little Egyptian guy, beautiful guy. Oh, yeah, he's great. Yeah, he's good a little.

He's a good, and he's not just little. There's a lot of other things about him. But if you see him, you would notice he's not. He's smaller Egyptian man. Yeah, he's probably got that short fat. Probably been to the fucking, those rivers. Oh, he's probably been to some of those Euphrates, some of those Bible stops. Yeah.

He's probably taking a dip. A dip. A dip. I've got a short ears. because I come from a hearing people That's your talent Yeah It's really bad dude

You filled in pretty good for a talent today man No one makes you laugh harder brother Oh thanks man I appreciate you guys having me And it's good to see you chin And thanks so much for you guys to support The reigning champ The raining champ dude No belt

We're gonna We're gonna We forgot a belt Hey yo if you're listening this And you guys know we can get a cool belt For the guest of the year Just give me a discount on breaks over there At your work

Can you do that Yeah Brendan's breaks. Dude, just hook me up with your barber, we're called Even. Dude, you've got to see my buddy has this new show. It's called But Party, right?

It's going to be on YouTube. And it's basically somebody just judging people's farts, right? Oh, wow. That's, wow, that sounds terrible. It's awesome, man. Anyway, I've seen the thing. Which isn't you get your tickets at, though, too.

You can get my tickets at Theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R, and the Dark Arts Tour will be launching on next week. Probably your Instagram, too, you post it on there? have a bunch of new, new dates. Yeah, we put it on there. What's your Instagram? Just at Theo Vaughn, T-H-E-O-V-O-N. That's easy.

And I'll see you guys in Tampa this weekend, actually, but I think it's already sold out. Tampa Improv? Yeah, I know doing my own place called The Attic at Rock Brothers Brewing. I was just in Tampa, too. We're the same. I was at the improv there. Great place. Yeah, that's a three-story place.

Yeah, big boy. Yeah. That's cool. Maybe in the future we'll do that, but... You definitely will. Learning as we go. I hear you, brother. But I'm in the old studio, man.

A lot of ghosts in there. A lot of ghosts, a lot of fire on kid ghosts. Yeah, somebody left eyeliner in there, too. I don't know who that was. It's probably mine. I got really into Jared Leto one point. Whatever. Probably mine.

And those boots are mine, but whatever. I mean, those boots are somebody. Those are biblical, actually. Yeah, those are straight off the set of Game of Thrones. I'll be this Friday. I'm in Bakersfield. I think that is sold out. But check tickets now, T-FightK.com.

And then in two weeks, the 20th, 21st, I'm at Yuck Yuck, Yucs, Calgary. And those tickets are going fast. Two of those shows are sold out. So, T-Fackay.com for tickets. And Wednesday night, we're releasing the Mr. Al Titzy-roll T's. It's right next to you there. How many looks does it take before I bust?

And that's your shirt. That's your shirt. Is it really? Yeah, that's your shirt. Oh, that's correctional center blue, too, man. T-Fat-K.com. This is the fighter and the Vaughn. We're out.

Bust.