The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 355 Nick Swardson

Episode Date: February 22, 2026

Nick Swardson joins the guys to talk about his long friendship with Bryan, blaming bad jokes on turkeys, wearing bonnets, Minnesota vs New York comedy scene, stories of Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Chris Kirkpatrick, epic partying with Chris Leben, fear of elevators, peeing out of a helicopter, and much more.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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please contact Connix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Not many men. Can we stand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. For sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised.

I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Mm, kids got a piece on them. Peace on them. Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield.

And now from the Honit Student. In Plios in Pliar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. It doesn't matter. Sounds better when you say, live. But we're not live.

We don't do it live, right? Shut up, man. And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. It's not live. This is not live. It's not live. You know what?

This is already getting disrespectful. No. Put the, Chin, just start rolling because I've had it. Just, just roll,

yeah, I'm mad at both of you. I listen in here, right? Ready? That's exactly how you do. Yeah. You can't,

you have to put the mic on your stupid mouth. Yeah, just the way my, my wang is going to be. Hey, man. Yeah, it's Nick the dick,

everybody. So the microphone's like balls. No, they can't hear you when you do that. All right. There you go. You're wearing,

well, where were you, Were you at a bouncy house? Because look at how you're dressed. Were you ready for the SATs or what's going on there, bro? No, I moved into a bouncy house. Yeah, Brian's right. It's really cheap.

And you wake up just immediately. You just stand up and then point, you just get right. You start your day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's amazing. So you're, okay, so it keeps you effervescent. Yeah, completely effervescent. You guys were late, by the way.

I like people to know that you guys are not on time. I was 10 minutes early. So Brendan goes like this. he goes, ah, it's so unprofessional. He's there already. We're late. I go, there's nothing professional about Nick. By the way, that's not nice. You need to take. I heard that.

I heard that, by the way. I just mean you're not like formal. Right. But you're, you're, you're, your, sure respect, though. And I don't wear a tuxedo like you do outside of work. That's the thing about Brian. Brian's too formal where he's just constantly walking around in a tuxedo. I wish he was.

I wish he did. And that he calls it a suck me, yo. That's his thing because he has no, it's crotchless. So he wears his... He wears his suck me, oh. That's so stupid. Nick, one time when he was really young, Nick was funny, by the way,

killing it at 23 years old. That's how long I've known him. You can say 19. Yeah. You have known you so that long? Have I known you since you were 19? I've known you almost 20 years. Yeah.

Holy. That's how long I've known. I met Brian in 1998 in New York, hot summer night, dark bar, leather swing set. I slapped him around. I turned him pinker than you already is with the with both my hands. Palms of your hands.

And then we had we had some times. Now, he was always funny. And then one time I was going to bring him up on stage. And he goes, it was a shitty crowd. Is this in New York? Yeah, this was in New York. I think we're at the comic strip. Probably at the comic strip.

He goes, I go, what do you want me to say? He goes, he said, I played a gay guy in Cameron Crow's movie, which was like he was screaming and stuff. David Bowie. And I, in. introduced him as a gay god i thought he said a gay god so i go he played a gay god in this movie and he's like what and the whole he's like how and then my uncle i have my dad's brother i have never heard anybody laughed this hard because nick nick the crowd was so shit and nick was always funny at 19 he was

already killing people right so he's getting up there and i would always say i'd always be like you got to watch this kid because he's 21 or whatever and he's going to be famous because he's really funny so my uncle i say You got to watch it. So he's doing jokes. The crowd could give a fuck about him. And he starts doing this. This was your punchline every time. You were like, ah, God, ate so much turkey.

I'm just so tired. You guys ever eat a lot of turkey and just feel tired? And then he'd do another joke and it wouldn't work. He goes, damn, turkey. My uncle was like, wha! Was the cow jaded? No, me and my uncle were fucking died. You just kept blaming the jokes, not on the crap, but on the turkey you ate.

He goes, I ate it by, I ate like a pound of it. Anybody ever eat a pound of turkey and try to do coffee? They weren't feeling it. No, I actually remember that. So stupid. Because I literally did eat like a ton of turkey and I just learned that it like makes you sleepy. Tripped fan. Yeah, trip to fan. So I just kept blaming me tanking on the turkey and just every punch on it.

I was like, turkey was so much. Like you guys like, do you even understand like I was going through like some battle? And you would look down and like you'd play with something on the stool. You play with the grain on the stool. You're like, ah, turkey, I shouldn't eat this much more. My uncle was fucking crying. Oh, my God. Is that where you started in New York?

I started in Minnesota, and then I moved to New York. Our comedy scene in Minnesota. The comedy scene in Minnesota is amazing. Is it good? A lot of comics, like, ask for advice. I'm like, just stay here for a while. Because New York was rough. Like, when I moved to New York, I was like, this Minnesota comic, and I was, like,

19 when I started, and I was like, hey, how are you? Like, to the crowd. And they'd be like, ha. Like they just, they don't know anything. Just eating mayonnaise. They're so big, too. They're all, isn't it the land of the giants, Minnesota? Like, I'm, yeah.

Shake hands, they all, everybody has giant hands. Big boys. They're big. They all look like Brock Lesnarwegians. Yeah, yeah, they're big Scandinavian. Yeah. Take huge shits. Oh, no.

Whoa. How would you know that? I don't. Did you hang out in a shit pit? Yeah, no, yeah. It's, um, there's a lot of bathrooms and stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But, uh, no, I mean, then I moved to New York and it was like, that was like, that was like when I really started tanking. I mean, I would usually have good sets, but like, I would bomb really bad because I would be like, hey, how are you? And they're like, what the fuck? This guy sounds like an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. And I would just, I got booed off stage. I would do the Boston Comedy Club. It was in New York, but it's called the Boston Comedy Club. I remember it. And I would do like Gina Savages. That was a tough. That room, I had terrible sets of the terrible. And you were a killer too. Why is just to rip tits? Why was just so bad? I don't know,

but I was just green. If you were green, like I was young. It's not a place to, I tried because, you know, when you're young and you're doing stand-up, you're, first of all, you get in a cab, you go down, I went to the Boston Comedy Club, I get up, and I was supposed to showcase for, for Ken Trush had me showcasing for, he had any show. How old are you at this time, right? 78. Yeah, I'm 78. I was probably 26, 27.

And I, and I'm getting up there, and I had this bid on penguins and turtles. I remember that. Dude, and I, and I, you get nervous, and I try to go by road. I open with my thing. And they were just like New York drunk New York dudes and gals who were just and tourists and older. And they're like, get the fuck. Dead. Just dead sets.

Yeah. I remember getting in the cat going, oh, I was really bad. Well, you and me were both really physical comics. And the stage is really small. And so it's like you couldn't really like tear into it. So like they want and like I wasn't edgy at all. Me neither. I had no edge.

Like we were both like. I wasn't edgy. Yeah. I didn't want to be edgy. A couple friendly guys. Did you ever do? We were twinkies. We were twinkies.

with lipstick. Yeah, and you and I were always really nice to everybody, whereas most comics are fucking mean. Like, aren't they, most people are bristly

and Nick and I would always be the person. Especially New York comics. Like, I still return every single phone call and email that I ever get. Like, I've never, I've never become that guy who,

I just, it's my personality. I don't want to be, and I think you've always been the same way, but, like, I would find, like, you'd go to, like,

the rebar. Remember, like, those cool rooms that you'd get up to it with sometimes? And then it'd be like, the cool kids like Marin and like Sarah Silverman and like Sarah Silverman and and and and upright citizen brigade they're all great but but they were um they were the cool kids they were in l.A.

already and we were I anyway for me. Then when did you come? Then when did you come to LA? I was in New York for a couple years and was it murder's row back then too. It was just kill everyone's killers out there. No because it would be like back then it was it was it was like Amy Polar it'd be like we're in L.A. or New York? New York. Yeah I mean people this is when gosh, there were a lot of, I mean, yeah, people were crushing. Gaffigan was starting out. I mean, he was coming up then. Gaffigan, Louis C.K.

Galfinakis. Shoot a Freedlander. I mean, there was a ton of great people. Amy Poehler, we knew Bill Burr, everybody. But everybody was young. Yeah. Nobody was killed, like, you know. No one knew what was going.

Sarah had Sarah Solomon, I remember had gone to L.A. And I remember she was in these cool track pants. And somebody said, and that's Sarah Sillman. She just got back from L.A. And I was like, L.A. Look, you're so far away. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wow. I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, I was, I love New York, but I was psyched to move to L.A. Because it was just, I don't know. It was so, it was just too, it's too aggressive for me. New York? And like, when you show up and you're new, everyone's like, who's this fucking guy? Yeah. So it was like, hi. Was it shocked to you? Did you find it shocking and almost too good to be true when you started doing well and you became a comic? Did you, because for me, it was pretty validating. Like, when you, when you got into the rhythm of it and you kind of cut your teeth and you,

ate shit literally you know what i mean like on the ground on the ground and then like literally he has a he's into scat and the thing is like you know the mistake i made when i look back is that when i moved to new york from minnesota i always wore a bonnet and i would walk around and i don't remember that nick yeah and that that started me off on the wrong foot yeah once i took that off yeah yeah yeah they started to kind of accept me but the bonnet was it got in the way because it was so innocent. Also to be rolled out in a huge baby carriage. That was super.

Yeah, with my little butter churner. And I would just go and they would take me around and they were like, I think you got to ditch some of it. And now, the comic and a bonnet. But in L.A., they were friendlier to you? Because it's still kind of the same people just in L.A. though, right? L.A.'s different. L.A. is different, man. No, people are cool.

Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't that bad. There's much space in L.A. It sounds weird, but there's something about L.A. where you, you did have more space. New York wears me out. I like New York. I like doing shows there. New York wears me out.

Yeah. And it changes your brain chemistry, man. And New York's like, like all about stand-up. So it's like, like, prime stage time was like a battle to get. So people were really territorial. Like, L.A. was more actors and, you know, people like, that was more the focal point. I mean, the stand-up is always great there. But people weren't, like, fighting for stage time.

It was kind of like. My saving grace was Lucienhold would put me up first at the kind of. comics drive at 846 or 826 every day where that that was my thing. And I was and I was like, I always open. It's hard. And he goes, well, you're very talented, Brian. You have a lot of energy. And you're good at getting me. Kick it off. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you were a firework. That was a real firework. Good God. Good God. In other words, I'd get up and flip out because I was so afraid that people wouldn't laugh. That's that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Let me pull not just a bunny out of a hat, but let me

expose myself. I'll do whatever I have to. I'll open a vein. Look, I'm bleeding. For real. He still has more energy than anyone I know. Yeah, you do. By far. Before I had an ability to control that I was.

I don't think we would have got along back then. It'd been too much. You would allow. Your energy is so much. Yeah, but you would have. I'm such a great guy. You're all right. No, I'm an amazing guy.

Say it. You're about a B-minus. Nick. What was the last part? My favorite was like you were such a fireway that you would light your dick like a wick. I don't remember that. You're spreading rumors. Well, that was your pey-o-o-o-oh.

phase. You got really into peyote. My peyote phase. You bring a shaman on stage. Well, that's because I'm half Native American. That's a native American. That can't be true. Hey, speaking of fireworks, were you at that barbecue at Galaphanacus in Venice when I brought all those illegal fireworks? No, but I went to a lot

of his... I went to a lot of those barbecues where he'd have volleyball and everybody was so unathletic that I was so... I was the LeBron James. I was the LeBron brother. I was that you were striving. Dude, we'd play volleyball, and everybody was tiny, and they were, they'd never seen a ball. They'd never seen a ball. And I would get up and I'd just be like, hey, hey, I'd be spiking.

I remember Fiona Apple when I was dating Fiona Apple. She was like, she goes, I saw you with all your hand stuff. I was like, what? She goes, just the way you can manipulate the ball. Obviously, you know, you're so much more athletic and I know you were showing off for me. Or something, I go, no, I know you're showing off. I was showing off for you, joking around. But I was LeBron James.

I was a better athlete. You were playing against, like, fat, paint. Improvisors. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Who'd never done a sport. I would I'd walk around like a bully. Yeah, it was it was not cool. Are you athletic at all in it? Do you do insanely athletic? What do you mean, Nick? Yeah. What do you do? What's your morning routine? Basketball? My morning routine involves a lot of backflips and then a lot of stretching. Yeah. And then I immediately grab a basketball and just try a dribble about 10 miles a day. You dribble 10 miles a day?

Down the freeway. That seems a lot of traffic. Yeah, and you're out of traffic. What? Yep, I just cross over cars. I've never heard that, but that's amazing. Yeah, it's pretty intense, man. Your boy Sandler plays basketball nonstop, right?

He plays nonstop to the point where it's like, dude, you get like, he'll be like, we got like five minutes in between setups. Let's just, like, play one-on-one real quick. And it's like, there's like scenes and movies are all seeing me, and I'm just profusely sweating. He broke my hand playing basketball. And I had to go and film a scene. in the movie Click.

And my hand was shattered. He shattered my finger and like part of my phone. Blocking a shot or something. You know that Adam's. I took a ball directly on my fingertip and it's like, I didn't realize that it had shattered, but it hurt really bad. And then Adam's like, let's keep playing. I was like, yeah, all right.

I'm like, yeah. And then I hit my fan again. And I'm just totally like, he just loves basketball. That's his favorite actor. That's Brennan's hero. He loves Adam. Oh, really? I saw him at, uh, yeah, I watched all the stuff as a kid growing up.

He was my hero. And then I was at a movie. And I thought, I forget what movie. I was some kid movie. And he was there with his family. But I didn't recognize that first. I'm like, that guy looks like Adam.

And then I went to the bathroom and he's pissing next to me. I'm like, God damn that. Like I'm like, I don't be the weirdo man and like say something. So I was waiting. And he came up to me. I was at the comedy store two nights before.

And I think he was around then. He came up to me. He was like, you're that funny guy that kicks ass. I didn't know what to say. It was the first, I got nervous. I was like,

me? he's like what's up man I was like oh shit it's cool did you take him out I I double liked him right there and this kids were like no stop I beat the shit I'm beat him up it was great it's great he's really good I got arrested but yeah yeah it's worth it yeah he's really good at basketball though like deceivingly like he wouldn't think he would be he would be good he's really yeah he's really good we were supposed to go play New York or I forget where it was that but me and Timmy Teebo are supposed to go play basketball with him I forget where he's supposed to play basketball with him I forget

where's that but he like shut down a court like a straight up like professional basketball league court like closed it down and then Tim and I were supposed to go like five on five we didn't go but it would have got interested if Tim and I was Tim Tebow and Brennan like muscled into a touch football game one time

we just up randomly in Denver they were just like in Denver these guys were playing they're like can we join in fucking like Brendan and Tim Tebow and Brennan like was a D1 tight end and went to the NFL could have you know a crazy athlete and

and then Tim Tebow and they went out and just threw at each other. Tim just threw passes over guys like me, built like me. That's a great time. Meek. The word's meek. It was fun. That's what you are.

I'm not meek at all. I'm bold. Don't say meek. God, I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you're at that party and just thought you were the man, just strutting around. Oh, I walk around like I'm a professional. I'm LeBron James.

I bully other. There are a bunch of comedians. I throw punches. One time, one time, Brian didn't know, I walked in the, I walked in the green room. We were getting ready to do a show together. I walked in. There's all these comedians around Brian. And Brian didn't know him behind him.

He's dead serious. He's like, and then one guy was like, what? And I was like, gush. And then, goosh. I took one guy and just fucking drop them. And they were all like, what? I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? I'm throwing punches.

And I go, and he goes, what is he saying? I go, nothing. That's your dress. We're crazy. Where was this? It was in Phoenix. So it's like local comics. I teach.

I'm like, the guy goes, this guy's just been taking boxing. Now I've been boxing for three years, okay, when I say boxing, like I work with a professional trainer. Right. And I kind of spar with people who are terrible. And again, it's like sparring with the dudes from a lot of guys are from the volleyball guys. But I look awesome. And I'm sitting here teaching the guy footwork and what not to do is I go. And a lot of times I'll dip here.

And I say that if he saw me, it would be, it'd be very embarrassing. It makes me sense. I just want to be. That's nauseating. For me. It makes me sick. It's nauseating to hear. It makes me sick.

Yeah, that's really hard to hear. It literally makes me sick. Come on. I just like all these Phoenix comics like, oh, in awe of Brian all oiled up and what a jerk.

And I walked into shit on the scene. What the fuck's going on here? The giant comes in who really fought. You should have ended Brian. What? Should I go, she's giving you guys some tips. You should have sent him to the angels.

I should have pulled your pants out and spanked you in front of everyone. Yeah. You should have sent him to the angels. Send to the angels. Time to send you to the angels. What? Wait. That's a great thing to say.

Send to the angels. I would love to do that before I killed someone. Do you know Chris Lieben? Yes. The crippler? The crippler. Yeah. I haven't talked to him for a while, but we used to hang out back in the day.

And I remember one time I was doing shows in Hawaii. He's from there. Yeah. And he came to the shows. And I was there for a week. And I was like, hey, let's, you know, let's drink. party and he's like now I'm good so every day I like we were drinking and party and he was like no so finally the last day I go it's my last day I go you're really not gonna like rage and he goes

all right you want me to you want me to rage and I go yeah he just yeah and he goes okay here we go oh boy he had a prom for a while yeah so how dare you do that to him he's trying to stay so terrible so we just start doing sake bombs I mean this is like 12 years ago start doing sakey bombs and then all the sudden floodgates open we're just hammered we go to david and busters He chokes my friend out in the middle of Dave and Busters. He just loses it. Oh, my God. Chokes him out.

My buddy's just frothing at the mouth on the ground. Oh, my God. We're all like, oh, my God. And then it just literally escalated to the point where, like, I beat him a pop a shot. He started throwing, like, leg kicks. Then he got me, like, in a leg chokehold in the cab, and the cab driver pulled over. It just, it was really horrible. Dude, I hung out with him in upstate Washington, and I was doing a gig, and he was there, and he was doing an appearance.

His head's like this. Yeah. He's got the widest head. head and a triangular, his body, the triangle shoulders, he's, and his fingers and hands are so big. He's so thick. He's so thick. And he got, he's so nice. He's such a nice man. Yeah, he's a sweetheart. But he was a little, he was a little, he got, he started same thing. He started to rage. And you could see that that that's one of his demons. I hope he's, I hope he's sober because he's such I think he is, yeah. Look at his head. It's like a fed ex truck. I think he's a coach now at the USC

gym. Good. He's a fucking good guy. So. Yeah. So the next day I was like, dude. Look at how he's an awesome looking fellow there. Look at him. Oh, you know what he's, what he did to me during that whole excursion? He goes, punch me in the face. And I go, no, man, I'm good. And he goes, no, punch me in the face as hard as you can. I go, I'm good, dude.

I go, that's really weird. And he goes, here's a deal. If you don't punch me in the face in five seconds, I'm going to punch you in the face. And I was just like, whop! Like right away. I was like, oh, my God. God, that's so weird. Where do you punch him, though, in the cheek or something?

I don't even know. I punched some, like, meaty area where, like, it just absorbed my hand and then it pushed him back out. He's got such a wide face. It's like, hi, you go from one eye to the other. Hello, Chris. Did you ever see the fight he did with Bisping in London? And he just stood there and put his hands down. He was just, like, just punch me.

Oh, my, no, I never saw that. Oh, my gosh. Did he just dropped his arms? He had some rough goes. Yeah. Yeah. He could take a beating, man. Yeah.

Anderson Silva was having none of it, but. It was Anderson Silva's first fight. Was it really? In the UFC, the game Chris Leibin, he lit him up like Christmas trees. Yeah, that is a horrible thing, you know. Yeah, Christmas is not cool. In his prime. No, no one knew that. No, it wasn't his prime.

No one knew. He was a new guy. Yeah. He came from pride. We knew he's a badass, but he wasn't like the spider. That's a solid photo. That's great if you're missing. God, damn.

That was me after my first set in New York. Look at that size of that head. Oh, my gosh. Hey, what are you doing now? Are you doing movies? I'm doing this show. Getting together. Yeah, I just filmed Avatar 2 through 20.

I don't know if that's... I don't know if that's the truth. I'm not trying to be... I can see you as one of the blue creatures, man. That makes sense. Who are you playing in it? I'm playing Zimzaps. That seems like they made up name.

It's not. I came off the tongue real quick. Who is Zimzaps? He runs the tree. of genitals. Yeah, it's like a glowing genital tree. I just don't think that's true. Well, watch the 18th one.

And you'll see it'll make sense. I will when it comes out in 20. 20. Go ahead, though. No, in all seriousness. I start my tour. I just did two weeks on the road and then I had a couple days off. And so I start a two-month tour,

Vegas, Friday, and then San Francisco and then Sacramento. And then I take off all over the place. from there and I'm doing a new special and yeah tickets are at nixsworzen.net it's a very fun show where is this special I don't know yet I'm leaning towards San Diego when are what is the date though do you have a date I don't have a date set but I don't have a title yeah it's called

many smells many smells yeah I'm addicted to like having just the dumbest weird yesterday because I'm trying to my special July 20th at Tali Hall in Chicago tickets are on sale right now by the way but I need to I know I just hijacked your thing but I need a name for my special my wife doesn't like

I wanted to call it bipolar ape but my wife doesn't like it much That doesn't work for me Really? I don't think so Bipolar ape Then we were talking about American bono indie band Don't call me an idiot

Don't call me an idiot Nick that's so rude on my podcast As soon as you said bipolar ape God it just doesn't You know what's not going to be funny What especially called bipolar ape All right Yeah

That's good. What about volleyballer? Yeah, because you love volleyball so much. Volleyball. Volley, man. I play volleyball. I love random shit like that. What about volleying balls?

What if I called it cow? That's good. Just something random. Yeah, that's not bad. American cow. What if you call it mediocre beard? Nick. This is not a platform for you to fucking tear me.

apart. I've always been nice to you. Don't call it a mediocre beard. I'm sorry. I take that back. I take it back. You haven't died in a while, huh, B? I let it go sometimes. I just grow my shit. Right? Yeah, no, it's solid, dude. Thanks. Yeah, it looks good. Don't? No, I'm being sincere.

But why are you looking over there, man? I'm being totally sincere. It looks great. Do you like his kicks? No, I actually hate them. What lady footlucker did you go to? Don't laugh It. Stop laughing at his fucking digs, man. No, it's not.

Your shoes are sock shoes. They're like aqua socks. And they were probably expensive, but they're designer shoes? Yeah. Who makes them? Oh my God. Banan Chaga.

You make money. You're able to spend a lot of money on shoes. Well, these I got in the year 1928. So I valeted my time machine when I got here. They look like 2087.

Yeah, they do. And also you, see, here's the thing. You'll wear these crazy expensive designer sneakers, but then you wear these fucking things you got at Ross for Les, these Nike Air Shorts, and then this. These they have pockets. A T-shirt and a camo thing. You love my T-shirt.

I do. All right? All right. Also, my shorts have zippers on them. That's a plus. Because, like, when I get drunk, which I've only been a couple times in my life, my stuff would fall out of them. my pockets. So I got zippies. So you have you have shorts for your alcoholism? Um, yes.

Okay. But I don't drink. I actually don't drink as much to people think. What do you spend your money on? Seriously. Oh, diamond football helmets probably. Okay. It's a big one. Good. Good. It's a good investment. Yeah. I've seen that. Yeah. Um, I don't know. I don't really like, I live pretty humbly. I gave up my car. I spent a lot of money on food. You gave up your car? Yeah. I haven't had a car in like two years. Uber everywhere? Yeah. That's so weird to me.

I have a neighborhood where I can walk, you know, car wheel and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you like the freedom of driving yourself, though? I hate feeling like I have to... Freedom or just insane anxiety. That's what it was for me. It was just like...

It just added so much stress to my life. Driving? Yeah. I was always screaming. Do you suffer from anxiety? Because you don't take elevators. I know that. Yeah, I'm afraid of elevators.

I have like a little bit of anxiety. It's not too bad. I've kind of, like, gotten over a lot of things. but yeah, like sometimes, yeah. Where's the elevator thing come from? Were you traumatized as a kid or something? I just never liked them. I remember I was doing, I was doing shows in Boston,

and I got stuck in an elevator. I was with my buddy Jay. Yeah. And I'm not embellishing this at all. He knows I have a fear, and they would not let me take the stairs. So I was like, okay, so I took the elevator and all of a sudden, and it stops.

Oh my God. And my worst nightmare. And my buddy Jay goes, dude, dude. And I was like, and I took the doors. I'm not joking. And I ripped them open. I was like,

and Jay's like, dude, and I ripped him open. I just go, jump, jump! And he's like, what the fuck are you doing?

And I go, jump. And he's like, dude, this is so dangerous. I go, yeah, and he jumps down

like halfway off the floor. And I just fucking rip him and then just dive out. And we fall into the lobby and the door's closed. And I was like, yeah, never again.

And I'm like shaking. Oh my God. My buddy Jay's like, Oh my God. Oh my God is right. Yeah, and I had to like walk outside. I think I called my mom or something. I just had a complete and just breakdown.

I called your mom. So my friend, Jimmy Burke's friend, known her forever, she couldn't fly. And she just couldn't fly. Her and John had. But it was a major problem. She had gotten some job where she needed to fly. And.

Is it stewardess? Yeah, right? Yeah. But she had got this dream job where she would regard. So she went through intensive therapy in hypnotism to kind of overcome this insane fear. And also, like, you know, the chances of,

you know, they're one plane grass of fucking every three years. She was the one in the plane that took off and broke in half. Oh. And she died. What? She took her first fucking plane.

I know. Her first plane. That's like that Alanis Morse said. Dude, her first plane went up and the plane broke and half a lot of those people. You're a bad person. I know those people.

He survived his. It was all funny. game. I know. I thought you were going to say, and she got it. And I always think about her. I always think about her going, huh. What's the way? It can happen? I know. And then. The right. Gush. You worried about.

It's one thing to go in. One thing is going, it's another thing for the plane to break fucking in half. How long ago was this being? It was, 10 years ago? I don't know. How does a plane break in half? It was made out of Legos 17. You don't take a Lego plane, number one. And she did. Yeah. No, it was recently. I got to get Jimmy to tell me that. I've never even heard of that. I feel like you'd make the news if a plane fell in half. Well, it, no.

Did you do your line? It's impossible. I'm going to get this story, though. Hold on. Did Superman fly through it? How does a plane break in half? Because Homecrow and Southwest got sucked out of the plane. They dragged her back to him when she died.

That was awful. Yeah. Yeah, she died. It was only one person who died. They saved her, grabbed her feet. She was about to get sucked out, though. I thought, see, I heard that was only in the movies. You know how people are getting sucked out?

No, that's real. Well, it's like a movie. What was it, Alien 4? where the alien gets sucked against a wall, and then it just gets Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Is it flight 800, Brian? Yeah. It's a 1990 something? It's split in half mid area. Oh, it said a bomb, though,

meta caused it. They think it's a bomb. I'm imagining it has to be bomb. Yeah. They just don't break it. Half of that's insanity. Damn, Brian, why did you make this a dark podcast,

man? His was happy. He had this fear. Yeah, he got a really fun story where everybody survived. I know a girl died. You need to learn.

You're writing a long text. I'm going to get all the information. That's why I'm doing it. So fucking crazy. But what originally you were scared of elevators? Why? Have you seen the movie Devil too? Yeah, so I've seen the movie Devil.

It was horrifying. Even movies like that I can't, like, deal with. Would you rather die? This is a serious question. God, what is wrong with? Brian. It's fun, man. Brian, did you need help?

Would you rather die in a plane crash or die by crocodile? Would we rather die in a plane crash? What the fucking day? Really? A crocodile? Yeah, crocodile. No. God.

The reason I'd rather die by crocodile. Was it the stupidest question ever? For me, it'd be like you just get drowned. The thing grabs you. No, not true. No, not true at all, Brian. He's going to grab whatever limbing you get a hold of, twist it off and then carry you down while you're screaming.

And then you're still alive. That's not good. And then he eats you out. That's what they do. Asshole first. Yeah. They sit there. I think they'll grab you and they twist and they pull parts of your body up.

That's what they do. Yeah, a plane, it's like. plane it's like no do you know that my friend and then for game over my friend used to I came like I want to be respectful yeah you want to respect though my friend you know when there is a plane crash they have people who go and inspect the crash site and they do all the data collection stuff like that

I don't know if I should say it only the peanuts are left no they find their shoes are still there they find the not bryans people go through their shoes yeah they go through their shoe you've set that twice in the podcast I like how you is breaking info yeah it's crazy. I mean, have you ever been a part of an emergency landing on a plane? Nope. Nope. Have you? Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty

intense. What happened? I pulled an alarm. Oh, I was like, mother fucking. I opened the window. I wanted to get some air. You're screwed if you do that. Did you see the, T.J. Miller, he was messed around called a bomb threat on a bus

or on a train. They arrested them. Yeah, but he was promoting a special. I'm just kidding They don't fuck around with that No no it's terrible I was kind of screwed I was flying into New Orleans Through a storm

And they're like we have to do an emergency landing And everybody's like What fuck does that mean Jesus So they were like brace yourself We're like for like yeah alright Yeah by the way By the way what else am I gonna do

Oh me in my armor fucking shell Out of the bunker there Jumping Jackson the aisle I was gonna finish corky Romano On my laptop What the fuck is wrong with you. Yeah, I'm going to brace myself. But people were freaking out.

And I was like, like the comic in me, I just was like, I just kept like trying not to laugh because I was like, well, this is it, this is it. You know, people are like, and I was like, I don't know. You're going to make CNN. I was thinking about that. If I die, we'll make CNN. I, uh, this is what I

do. When somebody's, when somebody's next to me watch this, get scared. If there's a real turbulence, and this is how I act, right? Again, remember how I talk about fighting. Now watch how I am You're sitting next to me in a plane. Be a girl and be afraid. Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Never worry about this. It's impossible that we would crash. Where's your boyfriend? Why are you alone right now? Because I'm not, because look at me, look at me, look at me, hey, come here. First of all, come breathe into my mouth. What?

Why? Because it's helpful with your nerves. Is that true? Yes, it is. We're not going to crash. we're not going to crash now look at this that's real that's called an american boner now let me finish oh my god yeah that's where the

strength lies and how much strength enough to keep this fucking bird afloat that's what i want to hear yeah and we're going to be okay all right all right yeah you look a lot like nick swartz in the comic you know you know who that is so i'm not attracted to you even in a little bit. You're horrible looking. But you're not going to die.

So that's the good news. The bad news is you look like the comic Nick horrible Swartson. But the good news is you're not going to die. But that could also be bad news because you have to walk around with Nick fucking Swartson's terrible face. Okay. He's that bad? He's that bad?

To me, to me, and I don't want to be to, but he's revolting. Oh, my. God. And so you are revolting. All right. Well, I want this plane to go down now. That's a better attitude. Get rid of that boner. Get rid of that boner. I'm going right in his face. But it's already gone because I'm looking at your Nick Swartzon face. Oh my God. Yeah. And I'm sorry to say this out loud. And I feel bad. But do you feel, are you thinking about the plane crash? I want to go down faster now. There you go. I'm going to open this window really quick.

That's called hardcore. Therapy, brother. Thanks. I was dying. Thank you. That was solid. Thank you, man. And scene. And seen. Proud of you too.

And seen. So many blessings. Yeah. Too many. Too many blessings. So yeah. And then I finished a movie last summer called The Buddy Games. Really?

Really? I'm doing a movie with Josh DeMell. Are you really? Yeah. What is it? It's called Think Like a Dog. And I'm doing it in New Orleans in China. Stink Like a Dog?

I just worked out my whole schedule this morning. She's in New Orleans? Megan Fox and Josh Duhamel. Nice. What does that start? I've worked with him once in Las Vegas, but I don't remember. He's awesome. He's a great guy.

Midwest kid, North Dakota. Yep. Big handsome son of him. What was he in last? Well, he just did, he's on a TV show. He did his E-show? No, he did it. He's on a TV show.

He's always working. He did Transformers 8 or whatever. Oh, look at Nick. Rise of the. Yeah, look at me. Oh, there you guys are. Who's that guy on the left? He's a guy from SuperName.

And then Jansen Nichols Yeah Look at Josh Where'd you guys film at God he did so much coke It's all in his beard Oh no

That's great Yeah we were like dude Dillon You're spreading You're spreading rumors Where's that at Nick That's in Vancouver Canada Vancouver

Look at tan I am Wow Yeah you had a lot of sun Gosh too much sun I got so high Is that Josh and George Hamilton Lord That's crazy

I'm I thought you were serious for a second. I was like, that's not tan. He's like a ghost. You do have Norwegian skin. Huh? Yeah, fine. Of the finest sausage. Oh, no.

Yeah, it's good. It's hard art comedy. Great cast. Super fun. Good. There's James Radee, Kevin Dillon, Olivia. Oh, Kevin Dillon's a nice guy. Josh, um, looks like hellboy. Kevin, Kevin, Dylan, I... My God.

Kevin Dillon and I did a fucking, uh, we were on entourage together, and we did We did this table reed under a tent, and it was super hot. And Kevin looked at me, and he didn't know what to say. So it was one of those, you ever have one of those terribly awkward conversations? And he looks at me like this, and he's such a nice guy. And he goes, I'm doing. And I go, and then I go, good, it's hot, though, huh?

And then he goes, it is. And then he goes, then there's a pause. And he goes, I feel like L.A.'s gotten a lot hotter over the years. Oh, weather talk. Yeah. I go, I go, I know, right? and then they I was like

so here we go again he's like yeah that's what you know you ran a shit to talk God how do you get work That's your small talk Come on pro

Oh my gosh It's not fun on a podcast either I'm gonna try to get Josh to get you off that movie Yeah Could you text them? Yeah I'm gonna text him

No I'm sorry Get that picture out of here He looks like hellboy You really got I can't quit laughing When do you start filming When do you start filming

Um A couple days in May and then a week in June. You gotta go to China though, huh? Gotta go to China. What's there? What are you doing over there? Movie.

They shoot a lot of stuff in China. What? What movie is this? Have you ever flown to China? How long does it take? Can you see how long that flight is? 18 hours? No.

No, it's not that bad. I think 14? No, Australia is 14. Two hours? Is it two? Two sounds more like it. Yeah, I think that's more accurate. 13 hours.

17 days. God, that's long. Well, I'm going my boat. I'm going to my boat. Oh, that'll be quick. 12 hours and 15 minutes. That's not terrible. I'm going to Beijing.

That's it. It sounds like I'm joking. Take a jet ski, dude. Yeah. Way quick. It takes like five months, but it's so fun. It is fun. The whole time, yeah.

Just bring like a power bar. What's his name? I was listening to Rogan's podcast and the guy Peter Attia as a doctor, swam from Kwai to Lanai and then back. And then he goes, but I had to fly. We had to figure it out because you can't swim at night because of all the tiger sharks. Yikes. Yeah, there's sharks all.

That's crazy. What the fuck are you doing? And then he does the Catalina thing, the Catalina channel where there are all great whites everywhere. Everywhere. The fishermen, that's where they fish for the great whites. And he goes, yeah, you start at 12 at night. Are you out of your fucking stone? No.

Why is you doing? Are you out of your stone? People are crazy. That's from the 40s, Nick. Oh, my gosh. You'll say G-Wiz if he says, I'm shocking. I mean, gee whiz, whiz, are you out of your stone? Why does he do it?

Are you out of your... Why does he do it? None of your beeswax. He just does it for the fuck of it? I guess he just, he's one of those extreme, you know, guys. I don't get into that. Yeah, I don't get into that extreme shit. I don't...

The ultra marathons. I know you run those. Not swimming with sharks. I run too many marathons. Yeah. I know that when I think of you. I think of marathon. Yeah.

I do a two blocks. I get pissed so hard. Let's do it. You guys want to keep going on my piss? Yeah. Yeah. You got this. Yeah, we will.

We won't talk about you. Not at all. Good luck. Oh, man. You just fart? You don't fart like that, Brennan. You see when he got up? Oof.

Yeah. Are we continuing? Yeah. Okay, cool. Now it's just you and I. Hello, darkness, my old friend. Would you like to be a, like, would you rather be a great singer-songwriter or what you are, which is a great stand-up? I'd rather just be me.

Ah, that's annoying. That answer is so annoying. Well, why don't you pick a singer-songwriter that I would be? Why don't you give me some examples? All right, Bono. What the fuck? Bono. I would like to be Bono.

That would be pretty fun. All bullshit aside, what artists kind of blow you away or inspire you? Brian Callon. Yeah, obviously, because I destroy. Duh. That's a good question. I don't, who inspires me? Tony Danza.

Obviously, I have his posters on my wall. Who inspired? I don't know. I guess I, that's so lame. Do you have any heroes? You know who really inspires me? And this is serious, Charlie Chaplin really inspired me. I became addicted to Charlie Chaplin.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Charlie Chaplin, I mean, he's a legend icon. But go back and watch his stuff because he was doing. I mean, it's crazy what this guy was doing. Like, 1920. Yep. Like short films, if anybody can find this short film called A Night in the Show, and it's a short film he did early on, probably, maybe 1930. It's so hilarious.

Are we being loud? Is it too low? That's fine. It's fine. Who is that? Is that a crossbow? A-s-a- Katsi.

A-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-E. No. Mom. It would go through your body and you would look down and then die. It would go, sit! And you would go, Mm-hmm. What's the last thing you would say to me?

Huh. You know, you'd say probably not to be a dick. You're always better. I might say that. I might say that. I would probably go... See you later. That's how a man would do it.

Nick Swarton. I'd probably still try to promote my dates and then see if they could, like, weekend that Bernie's me. Put you up and then I would you stand up move your mouth? Yeah. Charlie Chaplin. We're talking about Charlie Chaplin. Who? Oh, you grew up with him, didn't you?

Don't, Brennan. Don't be an agent. Fuck you, Brian. You old sack of diarrhea. God, you're really relishing. How funny would it be if Brian die? Oh, my God. You really hate me. You hate me.

Oh no. I don't want Brian to die. Oh, no. Would you rather get bitten by a shark that has AIDS? I thought you're going to say. Okay. I thought you're going to say, would you rather get bitten by Charlie Chaplin? Or a shark with AIDS?

Yeah. Well. That was my only option. Would you want to get bitten? I don't want to lose me. What were you talking about Charlie Chaplin, though? That's one of my heroes. Why did he have that?

Was that a real mustache or was that a fake one that you wrote? That was a fake mustache. It's fake as fuck. Nobody wear Hitler's mustache. It was in at the time, man. It was like the Hawaiian shirt somewhere. It's in right now. Before that, you know, fucking history.

All right. You're right. Wait, I just remember this story. Somebody told me when I was doing shows in Florida. I have Florida shows coming up, May 10, 11, 12. Orlando, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale. You got a lot of dates, bro. Yeah.

So I heard this story about a guy who was at a bar in Florida. And he was like out back and they had like this kind of janky fence. There was a swamp. Some guy's shit-faced and walks over smoking a cigarette. He walks, he walks, the fence. Some guy goes, hey man, look out, man, there's a gator out there. And the guy goes, fuck that gaiter.

And he jumped over the fence, and that was the last thing he said. Those were his last words was, fuck that gator. And then the thing just grabbed his leg and his butt. Peace dot, deuces. He just went to the angels. The angels were like, really? All right. That's an easy one.

Dumbass. Really? All right. Stupid. This is a no-brainer. God, it would be cool of angels I don't swim. Look at Charlie Chapin. I don't know we saw Brian live.

That's a picture of him at the... Dude, that's so... Is he yawning? Is that what he's doing there? So not cool to say that about me. Oh, you heard that? Yeah, I'm right... Sorry.

Here. Oh, fucking work my leg. Work my leg because you're into dudes. Dude, those are great jeans. I didn't know Levi's made spray paint. They're not. Levi's make spray paint. That's cool.

No, they're not tight. They're not tight at all. famous. Oh my gosh. Guys, I'm on so much fun. We should get a time share together. There's three of us. Yeah.

Three of us, Nick will cook, and he'll do, he'll get all. You'll cook, no pants, just the fucking. And you're going to want, you're going to want to get roughed up if you know what I mean, quote unquote. Every day, Humby. You don't have to quote, unquote, that. I think I know what roughed up means. Yeah, but I mean. Depends what your definition of roughed up is, explain to him, right?

Well, you're going to get fucked. Correct. Now, by that, I mean, we're going to put our dongs in you. Correct. If you know what I mean. getting what we're putting down. Ear quotes. You mumbled dong.

You said dong? Yep. You can also say, Wayne, whatever you want to say. Either way, we're going to put our... Plural. Plurial. Yeah, you don't sound confident about it, though.

You're like, yeah, we're going to put our don't. Yeah, well, I don't like to be explicit. I don't like being vulgar. Don. There you go. See? Yeah, I just made up for your pussy bullshit. Oh, man.

Yeah. Congrats. That's the name of your special. Pussy bullshit. That's not cool. Look at that. That's your special. That's your album.

That's your tramp. I'm not getting that's your grill Ew Yeah sign up for it I'll make you a grill right now Oh yeah Yeah smile He needs

You say that Hey where's your invisible line Hold on Oh I forgot Motherfucker Let me see a long Before you pull in

Let me see your teeth Gross Okay not working Okay not working Ooh Hey at least they're sterile and clean Do you get those out of your pocket Brian they're not working

bro We gotta go metal Give it some time. We have to go metal. Because my, I have. Nick, we're you convinced him these metal braces, not this bullshit. Yeah, you need like steel, like big. Yes.

Like jaws from 007? Yeah. Like a 14 year old in high school. I don't want to do that, guys. And acne, you need acne. My skin is so good, though. I have good skin. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Nick, I look 51. Okay. No, you know, you do have good skin. Yeah. Yeah. The syriasis is a bummer. How old are you, Nick? 41.

God damn, dude. I've really known you since you were 19. Yeah, literally. So weird. That's crazy. That is fucking weird, man. You do have good skin, though. Yeah.

Who's your dermatologist? I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you. That's not, I don't even think it's funny, dude. So why are you laughing at your own joke? You're laughing at your own joke. No, I wasn't. Yeah, you were.

You were like, no, I'm still laughing at your beard. Chuck. It's rough, man. What made you guys fucking decide to talk about Charlie Chapman? I try to have a serious conversation. I go, who are the people that, like, inspired you? He goes,

he goes, seriously, Charlie Chapton. He got somebody from the fucking service. Crazy's character ever. That's an amazing character. Yeah. Look at Brian. Nick, you do what's called broad acting. Would you ever want to do like, you know, real acting?

Yeah, when I stop booking these jobs, man. All right. Good Lord, man. Booker T. Washington. Do you do stats out here in L.A.? I didn't see you at the store I do sometimes But like when I'm home

I just want to like chill out So it's like You know I'll do some sets But I don't like crush it Like certain guys like Dahlia goes up like 10 times a night Because he's crazy He cracked me up last night I watched him last night

He's like He's like fucking funny Delia goes up literally every night He's just yeah Every night Yeah That's what he does I talked to his girl last night

I go What did Chris do today And she said he went He got cough He went to the bank and then he went to coffee and then he went to another coffee shop and then another coffee shop and I go bro What are you doing that time? What are you doing? And he goes I look at my phone looking at people He's autistic. He makes content though. He gets content though his Instagram's hilarious Yeah he gets it and he's killing it on a video he sent us a picture of all these checks right? We always fuck around with each other in the group tech so we get off the road

send pictures of all the or not even just fucking with each other and he sends a picture all these checks, big checks and there's these fat tits behind the check and I go bro let me get those tits who is that he goes that's my girl man

don't send a picture your girl with her titty Hey man what are you doing? I'm living my life I know what do you I just heard that you don't like your day consistent you went to the bank

then you went to coffee I go to the bank the closet you know how that word is I'll let you figure out No, no, no, you're going to say money. Money. All right, okay, okay. And then I go to the bank, then I go get coffee.

So what do you do all day? Do you just hang out? I'll give you a little taste for my life soundtrack, dude. What is it? Is this back in black? Oh my God. I'm going to Instagram that because you guys. Fucking Delia, man.

That's what he does. That's pretty solid. Yeah, that's what he does. I'm not a coffee guy. You guys? Couldn't get any bigger. I have my own coffee line coming out in June. Yeah.

Really? He gets himself sick over it. Yeah, I start throwing up. He is, yeah. God. He just started throwing up like, like out of nowhere. Like he'll talk to you and he goes,

and he just throws up. That's, you're not a coffee guy at all. No. That's always fascinating. Why not? I used to, I started drinking it like heavily on,

uh, when I started like doing movies where, like, Grandma's Boy was the first movie I produced. And, uh, I produced. Yeah. Wrote it produced it.

Co-wrote it produced it, co-starred. And so it was like a lot of work. So I just started chugging coffee. I was like, that's what you do. You just fucking chug coffee. And I did like drink like 10 cups and then just completely shattered my body. But you got grandma's boy out of it. I got grandma's boy out of it.

But I kind of learned my lesson that I'm so extreme like when I do stuff. Like I'm not like a one drink. I can't have like two drinks. Oh, I'm not either. Yeah. I just go hard in the paint. Like give me the rock. Dunk it.

Jail. you know what I mean yeah word yeah who else did you write grandma's boy with um Alan Covert who was the lead of the movie and then Stanley would throw in some little gems

he'd be like what about that Doris Roberts you did with yeah I love Doris she was great that movie so goddamn good ledge yeah I love that movie that was fun I got to um

nude in bed with Shirley Jones and uh we filmed this scene where we were in bed together uh where I said I should have worn a condom which was Sandler's line he gave me at the last minute You're like, God, I don't want to con. And then her husband and her son came to set that day. So that was not weird at all. No, that's not weird.

Well, they were like 10 feet just staring at me. Would you guys film that? I'm not sure I do. Dubai on like some rooftop. That makes sense. Yeah. It makes sense. Dubai on some rooftop.

We filmed in downtown Los Angeles. How did you meet Sandler? Did he see you stand up? J-Dade. I thought so. Yeah. White people meet home? How long are even Jewish?

It's like a week. Okay. No, we met He saw my first Comedy Central Presents And he was in bed with his wife And they were just channel surfing And they stumbled across it

And my first Comedy Central Presents Remember my bit of I used to do About my grandma? And I'd be like, Nickas! So he saw that He would tell them a bit It's so fucking stupid

What's the whole thing? My grandmother makes me feel really strong She can't lift anything? She's like, can you get me that? No, you mean this jug of milk? And he'd lift it up And he was so dumb I was like hanging out

with old people Because you feel like amazing So I did this whole thing about being strong. Oh my gosh. That's us in Vegas. We went for the Super Bowl. I am so violently hung over.

It's insane. I look like every cast member of the Walking Dead. You look. I look like a thousand beasts on my face. You look rough there for sure. Yeah. I'm not even looking at the camera. I'm like trying to everybody else is like totally on point.

I'm like going down in flames. Talented group right there. Yeah, some solid people. Who's that lesbian cop on the left? That's weird. Spade killed it going out at the comedy store. Spade's always been funny. Yeah, he's super funny.

I remember one time he called me up and he got up. He goes, you want to see Brian Adams and Def Leopard? I go, the answer will always be yes, just so you know that. I go, what's the deal? He goes, it's in San Bernardino. And I go, how are we getting there? And he goes, I got a helicopter. I go, yeah, that's, I guess, all right.

Yeah, let's do it. Yep. So we go to Santa Monica airport, we get in a helicopter. It's him and me and him and this hot blonde he's with. smoking hot. So we get in a helicopter, take off. Then I realized there's no bathroom in a helicopter. I'm really smart.

I barely graduated junior high school. So there's no bathroom in a helicopter. I have to pee violently. Oh, that's the worst. So I'm sitting there and we have another like 40 minutes. So I have to pee like really bad. Like dangerously bad. So David goes, we'll just go out of the window.

So there was this little slide window and I slid it. And I'm so dumb that I thought you could just pee and it would just go out. No. Like it would just go like a little stream. And it just hit it like a fan And just sprayed all over his date All over this check, yeah All over

And they're both screaming And he's like, what the fuck are you doing? And it's like you said, pee out of the window And he goes, I was joking! You can't pee out of a fucking helicopter? I go, sorry, Magnum P-I. I don't fucking live this rogue lifestyle. You fucking little elf

fucking twink. You covered them in Swartz. Just urine. Schwartz and urine. Yeah. Golden shower for this girl. Just. Enjoy this golden shower, you fucks.

Thanks for bringing me. It brings you down to earth because you guys, oh, you're high above, you're above traffic. You think you're better than me. Watch this. Enjoy wearing my piss. Yeah, just shoot me. I will with my piss. That's your new show.

Oh, God. Eight simple rules of pissing on your date. Yeah. Yeah. No rules of engagement with my dick. I don't even know what's happening anymore. He'd be like, before the internet, if you had a fetish, you had to like, kind of like joke, you had to figure out, you couldn't find a community without the internet. Spade does or Nick?

No, he did this joke. He'd be like, it's like, you know, uh, you're like getting pissed on? Me neither, just kidding. All right. There you go. I got to take a piss unless you want me to be on you. Just kidding. Okay.

Yeah, it was like in 1920 years to like feel a date out. You'd be like, Victoria, you look beautiful tonight. Yes. Are you going to get the salmon? That's great. I'm going to go use the bathroom. unless you want me to just piss all over your tits and if she's like what the fuck you'd be like I'm kidding

that's a joke why would anybody do that it's disgusting and they are demons and then I would go to the bathroom and if she was like yeah I'm down then you'd be like in but you just had to like throw it out there just trying to feel this man piss all your tits what's funny is that there are people in front of my family there are people into that hell of those people into it yep

a lot of people my entire family reunion to be specific I wonder where that fetish comes from I had in college I there was a girl who said to me guy she was such a bad girl and she goes I've always wanted a guy to take a bad girl I know he said I've always wanted a guy to take a champagne bottle

shake it up and put it in me and spray and I was like oh I was young and I was like oh okay and I say to my buddy Joe I go she wants me to put a champagne bottle shake it up and my buddy goes do it fucking do it why wouldn't you do that I was like I'm not into that

I don't want to do that I'm not in the weird. I was never into the weird shit, you know. I don't know. Oh, you got to do that, man. All right. It could be a hard pass for me. It was a long time ago.

I was 19 when she asked me to do that. And you didn't do it? No, I didn't have a bottle. That was a prime time. That's prime time to do stuff like that. I got girls through where before they wanted me to hit them. Like, hit them home. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's that. Ew. You're kind of a big brute. So they. Yeah, they don't want that 50 shades of gray type of shit. You might, you probably attract.

They want a haymaker? There's a difference. being like a little slag. I know, but then like harder, but you know, I'll go to jail. I'm just not into that. No, I don't like that. There's not a turn on.

Hitting you is not like, Jesus. What do you want to do? Close my fist. Like, I have no interest. And loosen a tooth. I mean, what the fuck are we talking? Yeah.

Like, what do you just want to just keep going? And then you get into it. I want to, I want to, D. She's like, all right, fucking. Time out. I would,

I'd hit you. And the girl I was, on the plane with who was scared who had your face uh-oh that's cool 911 yeah he's here

have you ever had to call 911 have you ever had somebody attack you because you have fans you have any stockers I've had some weird stuff but nothing like too bad I haven't had anybody attack me yeah

because I surround myself with body guns Tongans I have a circle you like Floyd Mayweather yeah I have Floyd Bama May Weathers. You watch sports a lot, right?

I'm like, I have a horrible sports problem where it's like to the point where my agent called me and we were on this tour and he's like, there's some cities like we probably can't go to you. And I was like, why? Because I just would get drunk and just tweet like belligerent horrible things. Oh, really? Oh my God. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just like, I get. Yeah. My Twitter during football season is so out of control. It's, I mean. Your team is obviously the Vikings. Minnesota Sports are such a disaster. Vikings are good.

The Vikings are good, but we had a heartbreaker. We have a heartbreaker every year. We've eaten just hot. Timberwaves aren't terrible. We have game five tonight, and we just got blown out by like 25 points last game. And then the Wilde got knocked out of the hockey playoffs. We got embarrassed by Winnipeg. Overall sports are pretty good.

It's not like your Philadelphia five years ago. Well, yeah, but we, Vikings have no Super Bowl rings. I mean, the Timberwolves have no titles. We barely squeak into the playoffs. Wild have no, nothing. Twins have two World Series, 8791. So, I mean, it's not. You're a serious.

It's not great. You watch all the sports. Yeah, Brian, we can't just all sit around and watch figure skating like you do. You know what I mean? People, like, watch sports. Yeah, yeah, no, I know. It's true drama. Yeah, we can't just sit there in our living room.

If you could be a pro athlete. If you would be a pro athlete in one sport, what would it be? I always have this debate. Would you rather be a star, star quarterback, a star center fielder, or a star power forward? Oh, power forward all day. Less injury. Why? Guaranteed money.

So is baseball. But guaranteed money and no injuries. And the thing is basketball, people see your face when you're a football player, unless you're like O'Dell Beckham Jr. or Tom Brady, you have a. helmet on, so you're not that famous. All right, co. Let me, let me make it more specific. Would you rather be, would you rather be...

I like that Brennan's thinking about the fame and most people would be thinking about, like, the game, the play. Right. Well, what would you rather play? Well, let me ask... Baseball. Well, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.

Brian, you won't know these names. But would you rather be Tom Brady, Derek Jeter, or LeBron James? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Brian's like, what? Who are those people? That's not a good impression of me.

Oh my God. Did they sell hot dogs? That's a... That's a shit. Jazz hands. I've never done that. I don't... That's not me.

My beard is great. That's what you do. That's a tough arguing, though, when he's said like that. I know. See, I mean, more specific. Probably LeBron, though, right? Not Brady. Dude, those are all pretty...

Either way. Money lives. Yeah. It's a win-win. But the amount of... of training, like physical training that goes into being a basketball player. Keep talking, Brian. And for that matter, maybe even a football

player, but baseball seems to be a little bit more. No, baseball is rough, bro. Baseball is rough. Especially you're Derek Jeter, because they make games they play. There's no off-season. And then there's spring ball. Yeah. And then you're traveling nonstop. But it is, out of all those, it's guaranteed money. Yeah. Basketball and baseball. Also,

longer career, maybe basketball than football. Tom Brady's been playing forever. That's the exception. That's the exception. That's an anomaly. It's an anomaly. Yeah, but we're talking about being those two guys. Plus the amount of pain, the head injury, the football is fucking, you're always injured, your hands. I think it would be basketball for me. It'd be LeBron.

That's more fun. Yeah. Smaller. It seems more fun. Travel and style. Yes. Less people on the team so you don't have to deal. Yeah.

Yeah, I would say. And if you want to, if you want to, you can just kick the ball into the stands. You know what I mean? Yeah, you kick the ball. Just kick it. I can't believe nobody's ever just done that. Hockey would be last on my list. Hockey would be gnarly.

It's not that. Don't you're wrong. It's a big sport, but it's not huge in America. Right. I mean, you know, Patrick Cain would be pretty fun to be, though. He's pretty sweet. I mean, unless you're Crosby and you walked into the office right now, no one's stopping a hockey player in L.A. Who gets laid more?

Football players, baseball players, or basketball players? I'd say hockey out of that answer. Really? Mark? Basketball? Yeah, hockey players crush it. Yeah, they crush it.

I would say basketball's a close second, though. Oh, yeah. I would say basketball's... I'd say basketball has more whores around them than anyone. Oh, okay. Wow. Ah, geez.

God, I go to basketball games. Wow, me too. My whore? Yeah. My whore, too? Great, brad. We guys are hores. Unless you're trying to fuck them and...

We were having a great time, and then somebody came up with the W word. Yeah. All right. We'll pray and we'll pray for Brendan. We'll be right. back with some Bibles. Did you go to

do you go to turn of it? Yeah, let's go with church. Chin what do you got, brother? All right, let's check this one out. The first one is 13 truck drivers formed a, hold on one second. I got another one.

Boo. That's a good one, though. I know. It's there. So cops in Michigan talked to, they shut off the freeway. Someone was going to jump off a bridge

an overpass. So cops close the freeway and then radio truck drivers and flagged down truck drivers to go underneath the bridge so the guy couldn't jump off he could jump in between them that's the thing that's all saying too however how bad you want it bro yeah couldn't he just go on the side and then jump off the side well that's not that's not even that's not even that far that's not high bridge no no i'm telling me but it happened though this happened to me on the where was this on the 110

uh michigan i 696 i think nick this happened me on the 110 they stopped all traffic some dude's about to jump off and we're sitting there for damn there three hours and the guy was just sitting there cops trying to talk to him. I'm in the front. I can see it. And a grandma, about 80 years old, just she's sick of waiting, goes, just fucking do it already. Good God. God. God. God. Damn, girl.

Well, I mean, you know. But I asked the cop. I went, that's not that high. I feel he's just going to fuck up his legs. He goes, oh, no, they definitely die. He went, they definitely die. Don't they also try to jump in to get by a car? Oh, no. They jump head first. Yeah.

Oh, no, it's not like they jump into a cannonball. Yeah. They jump head first like it's the goddamn Olympics. Why would you do, like, despair. If I was going to do that, I would. Say it's just go bridge. You could do it big.

No, I would sky die. I would like go up. And at least at least have that moment. They say that's the worst part. If you go too high, you have too much time to think. And then those people go, gosh, you don't have done this.

Hey, douche. Yeah, but I mean, I don't want to, I don't know. At least you're flying. At least you have a minute where you're like, you feel like a squirrel. It's kind of a bad idea. Okay, but I am flying. I don't know.

Flying squirrel. Yeah, that'd be kind of sweet. You're right. Squirrel suit, no parachute. Then you're like, you know what? I want to keep flying, but no, it's the end of the road. Because you're not a flying squirrel. Right.

I don't know. I think I would make a meal out of it. I would do it big. I'd like jump off of, I'll jump out of a plane or stuff. Well, you said that. I just said that. No, I'm saying like Southwest, though. I'm saying like Southwest.

You're going to bring people with you? No, we're not going. I'm just like closed the door after me. See you. That's, that doesn't. does not make sense. We'll be right back with more Bibles. We'll be right back.

This doesn't make sense either. I could make it happen. This doesn't make any sense. See the guy right there? These truckers all agreed to do that. They were all on board with... Poor guy. At least he knows...

But the thing is the guy knows that people care about him. They're trying to show him love. Yeah, they know people care. Somebody cares about him. That's a big thing. I bet you're going to convert to a lot. That's a huge deal. Yeah.

By the way, if that guy ended up killing himself, what did, I mean, that's... What a grort. I know. You guys know what a lot lizard is? My uncle and grandpa were truck drivers. Oh, a lot lizard, let me educate you guys. A lot lizard, they have to stop at night.

A lot lizard is a gentleman or a young lady who sucks off the drivers. Ooh, I like that. Yep. Yep. Where's the application? Lot lizards. Oh, no app required to show up. Lot lizard?

My friend's sister. It's not very flattering. My friend's sister. It's neither's horror. Lizard makes me think of Brian's skin when I hear that so it's like a lot of lives. I feel like you could definitely do that. You just said I have good skin. That's a dick thing to say.

Although I had psoriasis, so just don't be. Where'd your socks go, bro? It's not bad, dude. I know. It's not bad at all. What does you buy that? Silent throw up. Wait.

What is serratis? I knew a guy, doesn't matter. It means I just have a system. Yep, you will. Today, I just have sweet tattoos. You got the California bear on your, um, sure you got louis Vuitton logo that's Las Vegas

only good choices here I was gonna say those are drunk tattoos dude yeah hello Ryan yep nothing drunk about this tattoo my friend took me to Lionel Richie let me see so I got hello Ryan

my buddy Ryan yeah that was from a cruise ship those are the worst tattoos Nick they're pretty great you just have one says POG BTE2 And then what is that? That said, po.

Dog family? Family? That's Swedish. It means today forward. This one I got on a cruise ship with Chris Kirkpatrick from InSink. It says, best trip ever, part two. And that's half of a heart, and then he has the other half. Is that real?

That's real. Did you date? No, his wife was like, what the fuck is happening right now? We're like, oh, that's I do. A cruise ship. She was like, oh, my God. That's fantastic. What is happening?

Which one is that from Enthink? He's the dude with the braids. Pull him up, Chris Kirkpatrick. He's the dude who bangs Nick behind his wife's back. Solid. Fuck off, Nick. Oh, no, Nick is crying. Hey, why did I give you nothing?

I don't know. Yeah, what is wrong with you? Look at those. Oh, he was so sad. Oh, wow. Back then. That's your boy. Wait, I wonder if there's, Google, Nick Swartson and Chris Carpatrick and see if...

That's your boy? Yeah, it's my fucking homeboy, dude. He's like, ah. You guys have matching. My wife's not looking. What's he do today? He's producing music and stuff. He's killing it.

Age tends to... Scroll up. It's got to be there this picture of me and Chris. Powerful braids, man. There's Nick. Bread game strong. There, is that it?

That's one of them. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there you guys go. Yeah, those are real beards, Brian. Come on, Nick. Those are real beards. But look at him, huh? Kissy-kissy, huh?

Real beards from men who like men. Yeah, yeah, I was going to say. Now, his wife was like, what? Seriously, what's happening? We boarded the boat, and the guy's like, I'll give you a free tattoo. I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to get tattoo on a cruise ship. 78 sea breezes later. Couldn't think of a better idea.

Good tattoos. Here's my naked. Here's my married dick. What else you got, Chin? Oh. Where you saved me? No, I was going to tell a story, but I'm bored with it already. Go ahead.

My friend has a sister who has a sex. like things she's just crazy. They were at a truck stop. She went to get some stuff and go to the bathroom. Her sister looks at her and goes, I'll be right back. Oh, she's a lot of them. And she was, they were stopped there on their way. And there was this cowboy who was a truck driver, a real handsome cowboy.

And she goes, what are you doing? And she goes, don't worry, but I'll be right back. And she went into his truck. Fucked him. And then got out of the truck and then said, see ya, and got back in the car. And her sister was like, you have to stop doing this. you're fucking great. Wow.

So hot. She was hot. Oh, yes. Her sister, who I knew. Sounds like she has a good, I like that. Sounds like a solid.

Well, I didn't believe her. Then I told, I asked the girl. And she said, oh yeah. That's what I do. There was a cowboy.

He was hot. And I just wanted to do it. Oh, I know. Sure. I know. What? Yeah.

I'm on my way to Oklahoma. She said that. She goes, I started, I started talking to him. I told him, I thought he looked like the Marlboro man or something.

or like this mustache or something. And he was like, oh, and I just basically told him that I wanted to fuck him in this truck. Dude, chicks will crush cowboys. I swear to God, I went on a retreat when I was like in church camp. We went to Wyoming. It was like our senior year.

And there was like, you know, the cowboys that worked on the ranch we were staying at. And we were all trying to get laid. And we just, there were zero powers against these cowboys. They were just wrecking. balls. Just fucking vagina, just wrecking going through all the girls on the... Yeah, it was just a softball for them.

It's hard to compete. They're on horses. They smell like leather. Yeah. Smell like wind. And wind. Yeah. It's just crazy.

It's just crazy. It smelled like prairie. Wind and freedom. What else you had, Jen? Uh, so actually... Uh-oh, look at that. Did Nick make an oopsie? Oh, that's me getting my tattoo.

I thought I fell down. Oh, I thought he made a poo in his. hands. Are you holding his hand? No. Yeah, you are. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm getting a tattoo on the other arm and I'm holding his hand. Yeah, and you're in your man and I'm married dude. Yeah, that'll stop those gay rumors. Did you make him

cover his face when you would have your way with him? Because you don't like looking at his human face? No, we do a whole role play where he plays the Phantom of the Opera. Okay. That's a specific reference. Carry on, Jim. Quick sports one. Oscar Doehoes says that

Triple G and Connell are happening in September. And they say Cannell is going to wail on him? What is he? Didn't Canell get suspended? What is he, like, grandpa trying to talk trash? And guess what, everyone? He's going to wail on him. That's going to hype ticket sales.

Triple G's fighting May 5th still. He gets some known name we should just destroy. Yeah, and then Connell, listen, in Boxing, when guys get busted, no one gives us shit. I think, yeah, okay, anyways. When are they going to fight? Spend him for six months. Is that really a slap on the wrist?

Not really. being in a 12 round fight like that the steroids matter yeah they definitely do Brian but but steroids yeah oh but of course why the other stupid fucking one no because twice 12 rounds it's more cardio isn't it more of a I don't know like that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard I feel like steroids wouldn't they help you I would ask everyone from the golden era of boxing they were all doing steroids no what is wrong with you Nick can why did you bring him I don't know I'm sorry they have security here move on chin

hopefully that yeah I gotta go fuck you out with steroids okay so average Joe art actually sent me this article something about

a golden state killer who's been on the run forever for four decades someone was actually finally arrested in this case now is a stepe on the left

is that steppe? Oh my god that looks identical the UFC heavyweight champion his mouth there. The guy that looks like Uriah. Doesn't look like Uriah favorite.

A little bit. Imagine getting killed by the guy in the left, by the way. Hey, if I had to pick, I'd rather get killed with a guy in the middle. Who was the guy? There's a nice set of hair on it. So they found him or what?

Yeah, so this is crazy. So look at his rap sheet, though. He killed at least 12 people. Oh, my God. Raped 45. at least 45 women and 120 home burglaries from the 70s to the 80s. And it was like a cold case. They couldn't figure out who it was.

And then of all people, you know Pat and Oswald. Yeah. His wife was writing a book about this. Yeah. Did you know her? Yeah. Super awesome. So she was writing a book about it.

And then she was working with authorities to figure out who it was. And then she named someone as a suspect. That suspect she named was the person that was arrested. Holy shit. Yeah. Michelle was brilliant. Rest in peace. She passed away.

Yeah. She passed away in her sleep. Awful. There it is. Joseph James. Can you imagine being this terrible fucking person who's committed all these crimes? But you've gotten away with it this long and it's 72.

They come knocking. You're like, fuck. Yeah, that would be insanity, dude. What a weird situation too. How the fuck did they... So how did he get caught? She just thought he was a suspect and then they started looking into it?

I guess they just found out... Hold on this. So arrested overnight and two murder charges by police in Sacramento. But also, who's standing? But also, who's staying on the case that long? A lot of people. You know what I mean?

Because it's like... There was DNA evidence. There's so much stuff. Families do. Family stand the case. Oh, the victims. Oh, right. Families, they keep somebody.

They hire somebody. But, um... Hold on. How the fuck do they catch him? There was DNA. Here he is. He covered his trail very well. He said what he didn't account for was DNA technology.

Technology caught up with them. Yeah. Yeah, but who opened it back up? It's always been open, but it's... Jane Carson Sandler? Wait, what? Who said she was... raped by the killer in 1976.

Who said he was raped told Kelly she used to want to punch him in the face? Yeah. I believe people like this are truly sick. Like I believe that they have something wrong with their brain. Oh, you do, Brian? Yeah, I mean, I think they're perfectly healthy.

No, no, no, no. But for closure, for people, for victims, a lot of times they find at least some solace in the idea that this is a sicko that wasn't personal, that he's a crazy person, that, you know, that this is a disease almost. It's like, instead of like, I don't know. I feel like that doesn't help. I think it does. I've read enough accounts where people are like, the way I, my gateway into forgiveness

was the idea that this guy couldn't help himself. That's, you know, that he was obviously. So you're saying this guy was sick in the head. Yeah. Because I thought he was perfectly normal. I was going to say, you're right. I don't think he was like, what? He was nice.

What does that sketch tell me? Well, that's from the 70s, B. Oh, okay. Oh, that's Deadpool. Yeah, I was going to say. That's a character. Deadpool. Yeah, is that deadpool? So they found him. Yeah, he's arrested. That's how I met Brian back in the East Village. That was the leather

swing set. That's what you were wearing. In recent years, there was renewed interest in the case. This year, a book and series from H.L. And we're released hoping to shed more light on the case. When the segment of the rapes were first being reported, all right? Oh my God. God, I wonder how they eventually caught him, though. Like, they're just... I'll find it. Walk in their dog. Killed a couple of just walking their maybe read the article huh chan he just sent it to me because it just happened

maybe find a new article a new article all right what else got you this is so this is in China and a pregnant woman tripped a little four-year-old boy because when he ran through

to this restaurant like one of those little curtain things hit her bowl and it you know dripped some of her food off her plate and she's a pregnant woman too so I'll show you the video right now and she's getting so much hate right now. Let's see it. Here we are. So he's running through to grab chopsticks for his

dad on the next building. Why is there 17 people talking? See that? The plastic hits that girl. Sitting by the door straight in the face, causing her to... Ooh, nice. Tight move, kid. Caca! Enjoy those noodles. Biot! Biot! Uh-oh, she's just stretched out. He comes running out. He comes running out. Boom.

Oh! She trips a little four-year-old boy. of his head. This incident that actually... Did he get hurt? He did go to the hospital and there was... There were some articles that he had a concussion or something, but... What? Didn't he land on carpet?

He's like he fell on carpet? He's fine, but what a shit head? Yeah, what a shit person? So she's getting so much crap. So she actually had to turn herself into the police because all these people watching the video were trying to track her down. And kill her. Yeah.

And they're giving her a bunch of threats. Yeah. You know what? Pull her baby out. Get it out. She's pregnant too. Which is crazy. Get the baby out of there.

Get the baby out of there. the baby out of there. Get that baby out and give them to someone else. Get that baby out of there. And eat it. Nick, we have to, no, Nick, we have to wait till the baby. Oh, naturally. What? Nick, you're being terrible. That's also racist just because they're Chinese. What is that? What is that? It's racist to even say it. You're racist. Why are you suggesting that's racist? You go, that's right. I just wanted to pull a baby out to save the baby. You're implying that there's. So you want to deep frying it. I never said anything about deep frying it. This is all on camera. Save the baby.

live forever. No. That's how my skin looks so. That's how my skin looks. That's black magic, bro. You can't eat babies, dude. Yeah, what a stupid cunt, though? Am I right, fellas?

Well, that's an aggressive word. But she is a whore. No, she's a cunty toilet fuck. Couldn't have said it better. All right. I think she probably shouldn't So what happened to her? Do the cops do anything besides

slap her stupid fucking face? They were going to give her, like, I think, 10 days in jail, but since she's pregnant, they couldn't do it. And then the parents of the kid also said like please leave her alone she's getting too much hate so they give her like lashes I don't know what they do in China for people to be

horrified it's a little dramatic I mean it's like I'm not horrified I'm like you suck it's a cunty fuck toilet shit fuck move cunt you know that's what it is it's not I like to worry saying that it comes off you just yeah it's cunty a lot

but and but um yeah I uh it'd be hard not to it'd be hard not to slap or if that was your kid yeah she sucks I'd have to go back there those are your noodles he do you shouldn't just run off Oh, dash go, bah. Burn, burn. My son was literally like, Brian's skin.

My son was three or something. It just turned three. And he's at the playground. He's playing with this kid and he pushed a kid. And a woman goes, he's got, keep your boy away from me with his mean little eyes. He has mean eyes. She's not lying there, is she? No.

I've seen him. He looks like the hamsters with red eyes. Yeah. He does that. He says the white hamster with red eyes. He has a little damian from the omen. Yeah. Yeah.

And so he struck her down with telepathy. Oh my God. He gave her gangrene. He's doing better, though. On all her limbs. So they had, she's now a lady. She's now a stump. Do you double-legged her?

It was so mean that she was so mean to him. And I was, my wife started to cry. And then I, I just said, she started crying. My wife cried as her baby, you know. I couldn't even have a man that did see me. I looked at her. No, I looked at her. I think I remember.

I said, I looked at her. And I went, you are a lovely lady. I go, he does have mean eyes. And you are a lovely. lady. That's all you said? Yeah, she goes, I don't need your sarcasm. I go, it's not sarcasm. You're lovely. Wow, you let off easy. I don't know what to say. You know, my son's right there. It's nice to be, Brian. You mean little lies. You have a good heart. I do. Well, but then I followed her home and I slew her family. Oh, my. God. Yes. You're the Golden State Killer? Yes. You're the

golden state killer after all these years? Yep. Yep. You're the Golden Shower killer? No, wait a minute. Hey, if they got DNA in 30 years, what are they going to have besides DNA? Are they going to you'll tap into your brain and get a map of your brain. Dude, you know what they're going to have, which is horrifying, is your old headshots. Nick, it's not that. Burn.

It's not that much of a bird. Burn. It's not that much of a burn. Stop covering them. Oh, my God. That's not that big of a bird. It's not that bad. Oh, that's so obnoxious.

All right. Oh, so. All right. You got me a little bit. You didn't get me a lot. You are going to have to go to the hospital. No, I'm not. You can't recover from that.

I guess I can't. You saw Brian's old headshots. Oh, what a salty little boy. What? Yes. Something. Delicious. What?

Delicious. Man, you're being perverse. It was great. You had those overall shorts, nothing else. I don't remember that. Yeah. We do. Little lollipop.

Lollipop Lollipop Lollipop Do you have chin Jesus chin Help us Get me out Christ

Man Next A teenager in Sarasota Florida He did it You know those promposals Where you do something

extravagant To ask someone out For the prom He did it to his girlfriend He tried to make a joke out of it But the joke was pretty bad Oh my gosh What is wrong

You said if I was black I'd be picking cotton But I'm white So I'm picking you Got to that's You gotta know. What's this day and age? Sarasota.

He's also a senior. It's in Florida. Well, it doesn't matter where it's at, but I mean, fuck it. It does. You got to read your, you gotta know. It does. Florida, once again, chalking another one up.

There's a lot of shit that goes on in Florida. It's so random. Guys who get eaten by gators. Fuck that gator. Kids get eaten by gators. The angels are always like, what? All right. Yep.

My last tour, I did go on social media, and I was like, hey, everybody like, chill out. Because my Florida show, I was in Orlando. and it was at a performance art center where they had like the Lion King and like all these like wicked all these musicals. Then they had my show.

So it was all these like tornadoes coming in, all these crazy people. And, you know, I love my fans in Orlando. You're amazing. But there, people were vomiting in the seats. One guy passed out in the bathroom, vomited all over the place. Then there was a brawl in the balcony

with two chicks. We had to stop the show. It was just complete. There are parts of their, my experience in Florida, it's funny you say that. The only times I've had major fights break out and been threatened has been in Florida. I had a great time in Florida.

I love it. Florida is amazing. You know, 10th through the 12th. The trunk is crowd. Calgary. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. What? Canada. Some of the best crowds. It out. And they stole my shirts. Yep. Some of the best crowds in the world, Canada.

Well, wear that shirt because nobody will steal it. Unless you know fast. Am I right there? Oh, no. No, you've got it back. You got it back. You got it back. You know who's not going to get.

Something back? Elton John. He'll never get that shit back. We'll never get that shirt back. We'll be right back with more Bibles. Fist me. What else you got in? Pray for count. That kids are they not let them go to prom? And it let them go to prom. What a dickhead. Was this date black or no? No. All right. Oh, my God. If that chick went with him after that sign, that's a tough. It's a terrible joke. Yeah. It's not really a joke. It's a clumsy joke. Yeah, but you're also, it's a bad joke. It's not inappropriate. It's not even a joke. It's more mean-spirited. Yeah, it's this rink. It's a really a joke. It's a really a joke. It's more mean-spirited. Yeah, it's this really. It's a really. It's a really. It's a joke. It's a really. It's a joke. It's But what happens if You gotta know your crowd, though You gotta know your crowd What happens if his girl's like Super racist? Then she's hot. The only time it's successful to bang

A racist is if she's super hot. Everyone knows that. That's science. And yeah. And then you put up with whatever. I said that's the three black dudes I was talking to Who are actors who will go remain nameless

And we were hanging out and Looking at girls and he goes This girl walks by I goes, God damn it. And I go, that's ridiculous. And then I go, now, hear me out. If she was a racist, as in she went to clan rallies, you'd hit it a couple times.

And they all go, I'd have to. You have to. They'll take one for the team there. What else you had, Jen? A quick update on that killer. So it says, DeAngelo, which is the killer's name, was arrested after police matched discarded DNA evidence from his Sacramento area home with genetic evidence from the crimes. What is genetic?

So off their bodies in or something. We have to get. Well, let's do one more. Let's do one more. We've got to let Nick Roll. I think that's pretty much it, actually. And I said Nick Roll, not Nick Roll. Right.

Yeah. You didn't say Rick Roll. No. Right. Rick Roll. Brian, I don't know what that is. Brian, you should text your friends. So here's, no, here's the story about the girl who died in the plane crash.

Yeah. I'm going to end with this. So she worked for a French events planner. She had serious issues about flying, especially since she was doing the JFK Paris, the golf thing. She was seen a therapist about it specifically. We already know this. Very cute.

Doesn't matter. Not right now. And so this is from her sister. She called her brother and told me she was having anxiety issues about the flight since she had a nightmare about it. Of course, he told her not to worry. Oh, this is a lot of foreign destination too. I'm trying to be respectful.

I'm sorry. I hope I'm not. As you know, the plane blew up and half the plane was still flying through the air with passengers strapped in it since it was the start. of the flight. They were looking out of the stars and then watching as there was no front to the plane and just impending doom. What is happening right now?

Right in the Atlantic. Her worst nightmare being realized. That's the story. Is this my outro? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So there's no new information. Well, yeah, okay. But isn't that fucked up that the plane breaks in half and you're... Yeah, we've already gone over.

We've addressed this. I hope she went very quickly. I'm sorry about that. I hope you break in half. All right. I feel bad. I'm... People wouldn't be breaking. and a half from laughter at your new tour. Yes, they are. Nick Swartson.net for tickets. Yep. It's going to be a blast.

And Nick is going to come and open for me, and Brendan's going to open for me, July 20th at Talia Hall. Nick's going to do five minutes and... I'll do a smooth hour. You're going to do a tight hour. And then I'm going to do my hour. We're going to shoot that. Talley Hall.

Get your tickets now. Five minutes is a lot. That's a ton of time. And then, Nick, I'm in your hood next week. I'm at House of Comedy, Minnesota, Mall of America. Are you really? When next week? Next week. May 5th and 6th. Oh, nice. Go see Brendan, all right?

Might be May 4th, 5th and 6th. Either way, I'm there next week. Support Minnesota for me. Yeah, I'm in Minnesota. Don't support Brian. I'm in Denver this weekend, and then I'm in Colusa Casino on May 5th. And Nick is also opening for me there. What?

Oh, wow. You're spreading rumors, bro. And I'm in West Nyack the following weekend. I'm in every city. Ever. Ever. Ever built. Thanks coming on, Nick.

We wanted you on here for a while, sir. I love you guys. We did it. We did it. We did it. We pray love. It's three words. A book and a movie. This is the Vine Kid. We're out.