The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 360 Theo Von

Episode Date: March 8, 2026

Theo Von jumps in once again as special guest host with Brendan and finally receives his championship belt! The guys talk soy cocaine, tofu tits, swinger parties, nose taint, clear Pepsi, masturbating while jumping, Theo as Rat King, Brendan as bee hive face, comedy acoustics, bumper cars, random punches to the face Korean mermaids and much more.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men. Can withstand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Hmm, kids got a piece on them. Peace on them.

Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the Honestown. studios in Pliar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter.

Sounds better when you say, live. But we're not live. We don't do it live, right? And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. Shut. This is not live. It's not live.

Gang, what up, Doug? Make it out. Let's do this, Doug. Thanks for your belt, don't here, huh? What's up? You got that title bell, huh? Yeah, what's up, Doug? That's your belt, son.

Hey, he's still alive, huh? Where's your glasses at? Which ones? Don't you wear glasses? No, hell no. Oh, really? Oh, dude. Like, seen glasses?

Yeah, my mind always put you with you with glasses. Are we rolling? No. Everything is rolling. Are we rolling? Bro, I've never... You never had glasses on? Never?

Really? Seen glasses? Dude, I swear to God, every tip I ever think about you, man, sometimes. I think about you with glasses on, dude. Why? Because it's how you come across to people in their imaginations. With glasses? I guess.

Like reading glasses? Yeah. How about when I got off stage at the Laugh factory, right away you go, bro, I figure out what you look like? I'm like, what? This is front of a bunch of other comics. I'm like, what? You look like a Rottweiler. We got a shit together.

Oh, you do, bro. Yeah. Come on, man. What I'm just saying, dude. Grab that mic, son. You do, man. That's your belt, son. Here we go.

To the strap, baby, come get it. Who wants it, huh? Who wants? I'll tell you, a few guys aren't happy. Really? Michael Rapport, not happy. Yeah, but he's in the seniors division now. What about somebody that's still playing the real ball?

Chris DeLea, not happy. Oh, Chris DeLea, dude. Well, look. Daddy's not happy. If you want the strap, come get the strap. That's what I'm saying. Come get it, son. Come get it, son.

You want a piece of this? Who else? Sean Austin. Tony Hinchcliff, not happy either. Tony Hitchcliff, bro, put on some weight, dude. You can't weigh nine pounds and compete at a heavy weight, okay? Tony Hitchcliff looks like a,

he looks like a, uh, he looks like he's been just run solely on bone marrow, man. He looks like you don't even have a skeleton. It's just bone marrow that's just kind of holding on to each other. Yeah. It's like a, yeah, dude. He looks like a strong jellyfish, and that's all he looks like. And who wants his strap? Dahlia, come get it, dude. Boy, Simon Racks,

ain't happy. Simon Rex? He, dude, he wasn't even on the vote and come get it. He wasn't even on the voting. You want that hit or come get it? And I'm taking this thing on tour with me. Every show I go to, the strap will be there. You want to get a pick with the strap? Come get a pick with the strap, dude.

Woo! Yeah, baby. Woo, ooh, ooh. That's more of an owl, but I got an owl on my shirt today. That's a legit belt. That's an interesting shirt. Dude, there's a beautiful belt, man. It's a legit belt, right?

And anybody wants a Michael Raport you want it, dude? Quit crying about everything, bro. and come get back in the game, dude. I got to shoot with him tomorrow, and he's not happy. Who rap-up for? Yeah, we're shooting this comedy bit together tomorrow, and he's not happy. I wouldn't be happy either. You got beat by an underdog, and he just...

You wear the dog, huh? Huh? You wear the under... It's a Cinderella story, really. Dude, it's not Cinderella. I think it's more masculine than that. I think it's more of like a male, like a cender. You know?

You know? You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, man, I thought you wore glasses, man. That's strange.

because I see you all the time. I've never worn glasses. Really? Never. Damn, what do I wear this with? Dude, a crown? I don't know. You may you should just wear that

in like a tank top. Like a wife feeder. With that mullet? No, man. This isn't a mullet, dude. Bro, that's a mullet if I've ever seen one. You have the same mullet that John, do you know what John Crook is?

John Crook? Yeah. You and him have the same haircut. Do we really? Bring up John Crook. Is he a golfer? Nah, a baseball player. I'm thinking of John Duff.

90s. Oh, yeah. You know John Crook. John Crook, boy. Everything was a triple because he was on cocaine. Yeah. Oh, that's solid, boy. Yeah, son.

Looks like he ate his family. That dude's a legend. Yeah, that boy's bloated, didn't he? Yeah, he does look bloated, actually. Yeah, he looks a little bloating. And that's back when you could do cocaine and play, a lot of these guys said they couldn't handle it. Yeah, how are you going to do a bunch of cocaine and stuff?

I don't know what I'm saying? Like, that's the only thing that tempts me to do some coke. I've never done in my life. That's the only thing I'd get straight. city, son. Yeah. Oh, dude, you would be... Just straight city.

Bro. What's up, darling? Yeah. Well, relax, bro. Bro, you look like a fucking dude. What's up? Dude, you look like a dude that works at a Chevron, bro. That got stung by bees, dude.

You look fucking... You gotta get your life together. John Crookie looks like he's on soy cocaine. That's why he's got them tities, dude. There's some estrogen heavy dose of... of tofu cocaine. You got that tofu.

Yeah. That them tofu tits. Oh, man, this hair is powerful, though. Yeah, he had beautiful hair. Dude, would you ever go to something different with your hair? I don't know. I seen about this morning, I was doing my hair. I went, maybe I should do something.

I said, what if I went to a real stylist? I wonder what they'd be like, you should do this. Yeah. Like an extra, you ever got into like someone who knows hair? Uh-uh. Yeah. That makes sense. No, I started cutting my own, man.

I don't trust this man that's been cut in mine over there by Floyd's. You go to Floyd's off LinkedIn? I go to the one off of there's one off of Wilshire. Floyd's is a mix up though because you go to Floyd's and you know I don't know the qualifications be at Floyd's

everyone's kind of their own business Yeah you just says Floyd's It's a lot of violent lesbians too A lot of people there have misdemeanors Yes tattoos Piercings of the nose Oh yeah everything Yes

It's like one lady had Both of her eyes pierced shut And I'm like what the fuck is it You cut your hair Yeah Most of them Came here to be actors and shit Didn't work out

Some of the resentful cutting your hair Trying to make me look like shit No one I got to audition Fucking haters So they make you look like shit Because they can't They don't want you get in their part That they couldn't get

Correct Yeah It's a lot of that out here man But yeah this thing is awesome And thank you guys so much Thanks to the voters You know what I'm saying boy This thing is real dude

One of your fans was like Yo if you're doing Guess the year belts This place does belt So I looked at the link I'm like That shit looks legit. Sent it to chin.

I was like, yo, strike up these belts, son. Wow, thank you guys, man. This is really cool. Thanks. You could have two, son.

You can't keep that one. You could be like Tim Silba. He slept with his belt. Who did? Tim Silvia, the UFC champion, slept with his belt. Oh,

I'll sleep at this thing. I'll take this to the fights. Who wants this thing? Max Ferguson? Stuttering. Who's that other guy? Mike Payne, whatever that guy is,

Iron Mike Payne. You got you know your fighters? Huh? I'll tell you what. Max pain. You want to go viral. You shoot a sex tape in that thing. Do it for the fan, son.

Just wear that strap. Where am I going to wear it? I'm going to wear it? I'm going to run my neck during sex. Nah, you tie it real tight just around your upper area. Get that dick out. Get that dark arts dick out. Yeah, boy.

That D-A-D. That fucking dad's stick. You know what I'm saying? I got the heart of a lesbian, son. And I'm coming to a city near you. That dad's stick. You're not a dad, but you're going to bring that belt to Calgary? Is that where you're at next?

Yep, I'm up in Calgary, yuck, yucks. Oh, he's just there, man. Were you? They're going to love you there, yeah. Yeah, I'm excited. How nice is it there? Oh, Calgary's dope. It's like Denver.

It reminds me a lot of Denver. Yeah. It reminds me a shitload of Denver where I was born and raised. Yeah. Oh, really your mountain child, huh? Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. City, though.

Really? Where, Denver, City of Denver? Yeah, Denver's a big city. I was in a fucking Brackenbridge. bro. Yeah, Denver's a city. I mean, there's buildings there and there's cars going through it. There's downtown Denver, son.

Dude. You get somebody fucking stabbing with a granola knife in Denver, do you can't even? Bro, that's Boulder. Now, it's not New Orleans. New Orleans's a different type of city. You can't get murdered in Denver, man. Oh, you can. You go down to Montbello, five points, something like that,

although five points cleaned up right now. Yeah. But still, Montello's a little hoodie. A little hoodie, what? It's like some secondhand. It's like, you know, they're just selling like, you know, old North Face Jack. It's like there's nothing.

No, bro, you go to Highlands Ranch where my brother lives? Yeah. Now it's all white people. It's all white people. It's the suburbs. A lot of, a lot of meth going around them. Oh, really? A lot of meth.

Yeah. A lot of meth. And also a lot of swingers. I don't know if you know this, but if you go to Denver, you want to go about 20 minutes north. 20 hours, dude. You want to go about 20 minutes north of Denver to Highlands Ranch? Because what these swingers do is they, they, they, they,

put pink flamingos on their lawn. Oh, wow. And it would be there in the winter. Like, God, that doesn't make sense. Yeah. But that means they're down to party. Oh, that's the coast. Like the Underground Railroad.

Yeah. Do you know that? Older people having sex with each other's couples. Wow. Yeah, because back in the Underground Railroad, if slave times, if you were cool with slaves and you wanted them at your house and you wanted to have sleepovers with them, then you would put like a lantern outside of your porch at night. And they would know that was all good to come over and, like, eat and chill and stuff.

Yeah. And they would know that it was safe to stop over there. Yeah. It's kind of like that without the slavery. Yeah. You just get your dick sucked. Dude, I was in, yeah, yeah. Wow, so it's real, Denver's a big swingers area?

Yes, sir. Wow, I wonder why. Some white shit. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? It's white suburb shit. Yeah, black people aren't sharing their, black people aren't sharing pussy with each other, you know? No, white people that get bored with their nine to fives, and then they're just trying to watch their wives get fucking rammed. Oh.

I've had quite the offers there when I, have you? Yeah, I never did it. To what? Come in, what? Come in, yeah. I used to be, I used to train soccer moms in the morning. in 6 a.m. And they want you to come in with the husbands?

Well, not all of them. Someone kept on a secret. Well, no, I'm just saying. I'd like the offers, man. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm sure people have tried to fuck you. But I'm just saying. You're going to swing his party?

Dude, I went, I was in Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri, and we're doing a stand-up gig down. I love it there. Yeah, it's beautiful. And they, me and this dude pull up, this young brother, who actually, this guy went to jail, is in jail right now for murder. I hope he's listening. this. He might, I don't know if he gets,

do you guys get, go to jail? Do you guys play in jail? I think they have access somehow to the internet. That's awesome, dude. Shout out to all the inmates. Praise God, Trump did that, I bet. You know what I'm saying? I mean, good luck. He's giving him a little credit.

A little commissary, you get your sticky buns with some firing the kid. Dude, what if Trump said I'm unleashing fighter and the kid in all prisons across America. That'd be dope. Sh, too term Trump. I know, dude. Two term Trump. Go get that second strap, Trumpo. Trump, oh.

Dude, I bet in 10 years, you and Trump could be doing a tag team match in the WWA somewhere. Dude, that'd be so down. That'd be so crazy. But back to your boy, who's in prison listening. So, yeah, so I'll pull it. So me and this guy who's now a murderer, whatever. A murderer, yeah, I mean, a swinger.

Yeah. You was a swinger? Well, here's what happened. We pull into this hotel, and this is the hotel we usually stayed out. We've been there before to do this gig. You know, you do a one-nighter in Lake of the Ozarks, and you do the other two nights in Columbia, Missouri. And we pull in down there to Lake of the Ozarks. we walk up to the front desk of the hotel.

We've been there before. And they said, boys only, girls only, or boys and girls only? And I'm thinking like, well, shit, you know, I think I'm just trying to get these, you know, Ramada rewards club. That's all I'm thinking, you know, I think I. So boys only. Yeah, so I'm thinking, I don't know what. I'm like, what honors program is this?

Like, is this, you know? Some sort of Lake of the Ozarks. I get extra points or something. Yeah. So anyhow. Dude, they had bracelets with these boxes, and it was a swingers. It rented out the whole hotel. Oh, they're trying to fuck.

And they didn't even know we were coming. And the hotel had forgot that they had this monthly deal with the comedians. Way to go. Yeah. So we show up, and we didn't have anywhere else to go. And so they let us stay there for the weekend. We couldn't compete in any activities, right? Which is like they got all kind of sex games.

And you would see just like these couples rolling in with those like push carts with all their. Lake of Ozarks isn't actually, I'm trying to be cool here. I wouldn't say it's not the most beautiful. Oh, it wasn't real hoties, dude. And they had a couple of people who brought a brother in with him. You see a couple of older white people with a young brother. And you're like, what is this? And you could tell he was that hitter, bro.

Yeah, he's the clean up. Oh, he was Albert Bell. Do you know what I'm saying? Albert Bell, that's so old-school. He was Tony Gwyn, bro. He was a Mark McGuire up there. It was a lot of Rick Sutcliffs and a fucking ten. And then that Tony Gwyn, you know.

And a lot of the couples look the same man and woman. Yes, similar haircuts Very similar haircuts Yep And it was Midwesterners And they were out of shape Oh, Walmart fans Not a lot of shape

Yeah, it was one shape Yes It was kind of a general shape Melting Yeah kind of They're all melting Yeah Kind of like gravity's buddy

Kind of shape You know I went to the Walmart There we used to go there On spring break My boy Paul Creight And had a experience Out of house there

So we go on the lake there And movies is the best And went to Walmart To like pick up beer And snacks and shit And I thought I was In a different country Yeah, beautiful country.

Nice people, though. Oh, yeah, beautiful, dude. Probably don't want to do a swingers party there, though. Well, it was crazy. So we're there for the weekend, right? And so we couldn't go to any events. We would go do our comedy and then we come back. How would they know, though, if you just decided to start fucking.

Dude, we would have been the best men and best looking men and women at that whole event if we would have walked in any. So the crazy thing was, there was like this big huge bingo downstairs. They had like 20 of those. What's that hand bingo thing where you put your hands? Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. No, it's where you touch different colors.

Yeah, it's like, right hand, blue, left leg, yellow. And that is, oh,

it's like a United Nations being up for your feet and hands. Twister. Twister, yeah. Tister, yeah. It's like, yes,

but naked. Yeah, we did that in college. Do you really? Yeah. With who? Girls. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Shack and bro. I was trying to sneak one by you there. Nice try. Me my roommates. You had a roommate with three legs. Oh,

Dick. Blue. Dick, blue. Dick, mouth. So you, so they were doing that downstairs? But they had like 20 boards

all put together in this huge conference room and they had like 50 people playing. Just fucking priming the walls with cum. Just bust their nuts. Yeah, it was, I mean, but people would also be sitting there

having like a bowl of snow like Fritos and like they had like a hot dog thing. It's just what they do. Yeah, it was just I mean it was almost like a carnival but with, you know, more like just hella crotch at it.

you know yeah but then the crazy part was carnival of dick yeah carnival of dick and even some of the vaginas look like dicks that were just kind of giving up god i don't want to be there oh it's a night oh i don't want to do that tough i heard in l.a there's some banger swinger parties yes invite only and i heard it's just oh i bet howie mandela is a great story where he performed at one he didn't know and he showed up he showed they some lady met him outside and then they brought brought him in through a garage door. And next, you know, he's performing. Everybody's just fucking in this room.

And he had to perform for, like, 15 minutes. What's the point? They pay him in cash. Some guys like, hey, do that bit about the taxi cab, you know? But, bro, so the green... No one's paying attention. Why would you hire a comedian at a swinger's party? I think just...

This dude's like, bro, shut up. I'm trying to my dick suck here. You're fucking, what are you talking about up there? But actually the guy from America got Talar some shit shut up But the crazy part was the elevator We came in, pushed the elevator one night And the doors opened

And it was just just fuck trolley, bro And there's just people fucking in there And drinking Cherry 7 up out of a two liter straight I love Cherry 7 up It's good It's nice Dude I remember when it came out It changed everything when I was a kid

Dude I got one for you Do you remember Claire Pepsi? Oh yeah It was a scam It was a scam Yeah something had happened Add the coloring in there. Yeah, something had happened.

They made a bunch without the color and like, we got to get rid of it. And then they're like, ooh, it's clear Pepsi. And I was like, oh, hell yeah. I love that stuff. It doesn't make sense. It didn't make any sense. But it sold for a little bit. It sold for a little bit.

People lost their minds. I remember one lady killed themselves. She couldn't handle it. Yeah. There was all kind of crazy rumors going around when Clear Pepsi came out. That was a big deal. Do they still make Cherry 7 up? I don't think so.

No, dude. I remember one year our mom didn't have a lot of money or whatever. so for Christmas she got us like two liter sodas you know and she gave us all these two liter sodas and we just and we never had our own two liter you know we're little big deal oh dude

we were shaking them up and just spraying them all over each other's bodies and fucking licking the sugar off each other's shoulders and shit bro just having a blast man okay I remember that though and that's the first time ever saw cherry seven up game changer you're fucking the mound dude red though Yeah, but that's just too much There's something too much going on in there

Mount Dew Red to me It was just, it was just toxic Yeah It was like pure red, there's too much red dye That's why 7 up cherry Was perfect because you'd tell they didn't go over the top Yeah It was just a little pink

Yeah, that Cherry 7 up bro Oh the Moundu Red's trouble bro Yeah see look at that guy's in a garage Teams dying Oh they die their hair with that shit It's so strong See that yeah that's not good I'm not trying to fucks with that

Yeah. What do you think that does to your insight? He's Irish now. He had it all. Look how much she's been drinking. Yeah. He had it all, dude. Yeah, that can't be good for you.

That can't be good for your dick. That leaves sugar in your stomach. If you're drinking a bunch of that, dude, you're probably. Mountain Dew, but Mountain Dew, nice and cold is delicious. Soda's terrible for you. But if I'm going to drink one, Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew is nice. It's so much sugar, though. Oh, it's so bad for you.

But if you're going to fuck with it, you know, I used to like as a kid, but I felt like a pure bitch when I drink around my friends after we get done from the court playing basketball. I'd be around all my black friends. I'd drink a fresca. Really? I drink a fresca. And my friends would judge the shit out of me.

Fresca was like the last soda you could drink as a grandparent. Yeah, right? Before you had to just have water. Everyone was like, what the fuck? Is that a fresca? I'd have my pinky up like this. Fucking rat is a fresca. They're fresh, though.

Ice cold. But my friends are judged the fuck out of me. They're fucking adults, dude. I know. I was crazy, man. You're drinking frescas, bro. What else were you doing, man? Dude, fresca.

I make myself a nice grilled cheese. Oh, my God. And a fresca. You sound like a 60-year-old. I know. That was my favorite drink. The fresh-ass grapefruit fresca? Yeah.

You sound like a lonely dude on a picnic, bro. I know. That's going to molest kids. I know. Are people still molesting kids? Dude, I swear to God, we were like... I feel like it's going down. Yeah.

You know more white vans and shit, right? Yeah, vans are out. They don't make vans anymore. Yeah. Those sprinters, but that's for celebrities. Yeah, yeah, that's it. But there's no, like, murdering bands anymore. Yeah, I don't think there's any, because I don't even hear, like, a lot of my buddies

have kids and none of them have said that their kids have gotten, you know, it's not as crazy. It's not as wild as it used to be. No, well, like, the word is out. If you own a white van, it's like, you might as well just right on the side. I fuck kids. Yeah, or at least I like to meet them sometimes. They're just out. You know what I'm saying?

It's like a mall Santa. I don't fuck with them. I don't fuck with vans. Yeah, all the kids know. So. No, out. Mall Santa or the,

or the Easter bunnies. Yeah. Fuck you. Uh, dude, I like seeing rare things, man. They used to have,

I remember, they had somebody called it in our podcast and they said, uh, they'd never seen a black little person before. Oh, like a black midget?

Yeah. And they had one in our town, dude, and he had these dreads, right? This dude named, uh, no Dante,

right? No Dante? Yeah. And he had these dreads, bro. And they were, they were so long, he would fucking trip.

over him when he was running, bro. But he was a fucking G, dude. And he would play basketball, but he would, like, he would kind of cheat a little bit because it was almost like sometimes you'd almost catch him playing soccer. But he was so fast, you could barely see it. Like you would kick you with his feet, but since he was short, you'd let it slide.

Not where I come from. Really? No, no, no, no, we can't have that. Yeah, man. People, I think he was like a town mascot. People loved him, man. I don't know what happened. I love how you take calls on your show.

You just take call. How do you filter out? Well, I assume there's not too many people calling, like, talking shit. Like, you're not getting trolls and stuff. No, we had a guy. A lot of people have difference of opinion. We get some stuff talking stuff. Difference of opinions, fine, but no one is doing a comment.

Like, you're the worst comic ever. You fucking suck. You hack and then hang up or anything? I don't know. I haven't got much of that. We get a lot of people crying, jerking off. We've got a couple of dudes fucking and leaving voicemails. Yeah.

I have to do a thing. You do voicemails? Yeah, people leave voicemails, and then we play them back. Oh, that's super. smart. Yeah, because some of these fucking mooks, you can't have them just running. No. I figured you got a producer who's controlling it, like, all right, call her seven.

Here we got. We got Jamie and Dow's. Jamie, what do you got for Theo? Hi, Theo. I'm here, and I'm worried about my boyfriend. He's been doing a ton of coke and grew a mullet out. He's starting to act a lot like you. And are we going to make it?

You know, is that like the show? Yeah, you're going to make it at least two years in a row, baby. You got at least two years in you. I guess it's something like that, man. Yeah, it's just people just jerk. It's a lot of dudes that are just addicted to jerking off mostly and just struggling. Struggling with jerking off all the time? Bro, that stuff's killing people, I think.

Well, your boy... Do they do it? You jerk off, Chin? Of course, man. Wow. Chin looks like a drinker. Really? I don't think he does.

Really? I could never picture an Asian guy doing it. When I picture it in my head, it's always a white guy doing it. Yeah, I got to be honest. Me too. It's usually a white dude in a corner. Yeah. And just in shame

Grolled over, just like, what? Like you thought of it. What? That's what I picture. Dude, my mom called me when I was young. She opened the door and I was jerking off, right? Like full, like just.

Oh, I was having a party, bro. Yeah, yeah. You were beating the shit of it. Oh, I'd planned it, bro. I'd set an alarm, you know? What were you jerking off then? Oh, just just the pure imagination, bro. That's weak.

Pure imagination. No, this is back when imagination was good, bro. Yeah. When I had all the filters, bro. and all that shit. Oslo, and I had all the filters in my brain. And I was jerking off to some. I picture you as a kid with a mullet, and you got, you kind of, you looked a little bit like Joe dirt,

and you got like real short cutoff jeans, your dicks hang out the front, and you got this mullet, and you're like dirty, but you just got your socks on, and you're just jacking off to, like, tool or something. That's how I picture in my head. First of all, thank you. That's one of the coolest things I've heard of. first of all thing. No, dude. I would jump up and down

and jerk off on my bed. My thing was to jerk off and also be jumping on the bed at the same time. Like a trampoline. Because it would get your blood going in your body

and then you spray out farther. Oh wow, that makes sense. Oh, dude, you could fucking, I mean, you could put a fucking you could put a silk mustache on a plant, you know? A plant? Oh, bro.

You could drop some fucking, boy, you could put that fucking, you could throw a, you know, a beautiful little, you know, a little, just a white word curtain, you could drop that fucking mustache on a plant from about 11 feet away. Was there any, but I didn't have porn as a kid. I didn't even have magazines.

I'm at a cover of this female rapper in Mercedes. She was bent over like a Cadillac. I'll jack off to that on time. But you remember when you were young, I mean, I remember if I saw like a one, I remember my buddy's mom had a brazier one time that she would leave hanging in the bathroom. go in there. To the Brazil? Oh, bro, I would tie it around my fucking face so that each cup like clean over

like right, left a little bit of nose, but the nostrils were covered. So just the middle. Oh, this is just that naint. It's almost like that Versace, the killing Versace shit. What's at your nose taint? What is this thing, that little part? Uh, your septum. No, it's your naint, isn't it? A little bit. A little bit. You'd cover up so you can almost restrict

your breathing? Oh, bro. So I had to breathe solely through these fucking just these straight up titty shields. Yeah. That's what you used to like, huh? Those fucking milk holsters, bro, I could smell the milk. I could smell the skin. I could smell the nipple. I could smell the children. I could smell

all the years of my buddy growing up. What the fuck, bro. I could smell it all, dude. Wow. You know, it would go straight into my head. And that, dude, I would jerk. Sometimes when I was young, when I'd masturbate, I'd pass out. Almost like that movie butterfly effect. You could go back in time. Did you do that from jerking off?

No, he gets a bloody nose and does it. Dude, imagine every time you did it, you went back in time. Yes. So all these dudes just keep showing up their time. Imagine if you went back to what you were thinking about. Oh, man. It was so much more powerful than now it's just like. Ah, it's because it's overrated.

You joined the 10,000 club. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like those guys who hit 10,000 home rounds, do you think they give a fuck bad at home runs anymore? Probably not. No, it gets old. Yeah. You're talking about life now.

Yeah. It's like breathing now. I'm Cal Ripkin now, my dick. Yeah, you're Cal Ripkin. Yeah, you're the Ted Williams Jacking off. Yeah, man. It's too much.

But it's a lot for kids, man. But yeah, we went to that Swingers thing and that elevator opened up and I just remember seeing just this whole, you know, it was almost like the, it was like, you know that painting that Michelangelo did where those two people are naked touching each other in the air or whatever?

16th. Yeah, 16th Chapel. It was like that, but it was like just a bunch of just people just guts and everything was a titty. Like everything in there looked like a titty. It smelled like Mountain Dew Red.

Freedos. Yeah, it definitely had that fucking dick after scent. Oh, that's the worst. Frito's up front and fucking cock in the back, boy. Dude, I went to. I said hide and go sniff, dude. You think you're getting one thing and you get another. You know, I want that.

I went to a swingers party on accent in Denver. It was below. We were parted up top. Went below it. It said, do not enter. Me, my friend's like, well, he was like bumping down there. So we went down there. And we realized there was a swingers party because had a sign on it.

and they had like rules but it was like I'd say the ratio's 10 to 1 dudes to guys not good not good like the 7 girls that were there and the 70 dudes I just felt bad for him yeah I'm like girl let's get out of yeah they were you tell

their morale was not hot your self-esteem was not booming well that's why you gotta have like a Robert E. Lee type of guy in there you got to have a straight up William Wallace running up and down the you know the to motivate them yeah to motivate these chicks at a at a gang bang yeah you like keep the morale high because if reality hits you go what the fuck am i doing you don't need that

yeah you need to be passing out dsw shoe you need that tony robin's dick game going on you know what i'm saying like you need that dude dropping knowledge of these girls women join me you can do this yeah man women are put up with a lot dude you know they're putting up with a lot out there so well guys just to bust that nut at those swing or things man really well yeah you're waiting in line and Like you're waiting for a ride or some shit, you know? Like you're... It's like Uber for your dick, really, at that day. Yeah, you gotta wait, man.

There's gonna be some other dudes dropping some gifts off before you get in there, man. Before it's your turn to get your five minutes of fame. What kind of shoes do you wear? I would wear those pool shoes, I think, you know, like this... You're talking about the aquas socks? Yeah. Oh, dude, nothing makes a girl dry up fast in aquas socks. That's a terrible idea, bro.

I might wear hugs in that bitch. Oh, damn, dude. I wish some hugs keep my feet warm. Dude, what the fuck? I might wear ugs are my Yeezy 750s. What? Yes. The yeas.

You're going to be fucking naked, bro. Boston nuts. Dude, I'd have to get my butt waxed, I think, bro. That's my thing. Like, I have so much hair on my butt. Like, I walk. If I'm hooking up with a chick, I'll walk out of the room backwards. It's that bad.

It just makes it. I'm self-conscious about it, you know? Why don't you Brazil wax it? I'm just scared of that, man. I met a girl, and she waxes people's balls, too. Yeah, they call it B&B. butt and balls. It's actually the most common practice for men. Is it? I used to date a girl who specialized in that.

And she was like, man, 60% of my client are men. She goes, they do the B&B. You want to come in? I'm like, what is it? She goes, balls and butt. They literally do all that, the taint, and then your booty hole. I had a girl try it once. It's on the inside of my thigh. Never again. I'd rather get a tattoo on my fucking face. It hurts so bad. I'd rather get that fucking naint stamp, dude. I'd rather get that fucking tat on my name. Don't do it, man.

If you have a hairy ass, like, if I could braid your ass there, you should probably get it removed. You could embraid it. You could gel it down, though. You could part it to the side? Dude, I had an uncle, and he had so much hair on his neck, he would gel it down for church because he didn't want to shave it off because it was his hair. And it was like a thing against God. You'd gel down the sides, huh?

Oh, he jell his whole neck hair down. You might want to gel the, you basically had to. a ducktail. The ducktail hanging out of the back. I look like shit, man. You know? But nobody expects anything out of me. That's the best thing.

You don't think you. You show up, people look, you know? People ask, where's the honey guy? You know, there's obviously been...

Where's the honey? We look like you've been stung by bees, all the time. Why do I, are you saying I'm bloated? Doesn't he, do I look bloated? Bro, it looks like you try to drink honey

right out the hive and a bunch of bees got you, bro. Wait, are you saying I'm swollen? Or I'm fucking blowing? You're swole, for sure, dude. I'd be swole, too. If I can 200 bees were babysitting my face all the time.

You look like you got fucking stung by a bunch of bees, dude. Where do you live at, bro? In a comb? You got to tighten up, bro. You're going to get diabetes, dude. Oh, look. What the fuck, dude. Come on, man.

You got to tighten up, bro. You got that bee syndrome or whatever it is. You think you hang out with rats. I look like shit. Bro, you look like the rag king. What the fuck you're talking about? Whatever,

bro. You look mullet. You look malnourish, bro. Okay, I'll agree to that. I agree to that. I'm like the bad guy, dude. But not the cool master splinter one, you know? They have no other choice.

Oh, yeah. Like the one in that Christmas play? Like that one? Yeah, it's not cool, man. And Nutcracker, the Rat King and Nutcracker. Oh. You look like the leader of the people in Vegas who sleep underground. You know there's a community underground?

You look like the voice of the underground. I look like I run the underground Airbnb. Like they have to check in with you. Because you've kind of got your shit together. And now you have a belt so it makes you official. Oh, let me see what key. Let me get you here. And then you just have this giant fucking rat that everyone fucking admires.

Don't pet the Playboy. That's what I'm going to make a shirt that says that on the back. Don't pet the playboy, dude. Well, the scary part is I start to think is this the best. I'm a look, you know? Yeah, I'm going downhill myself. I got another year before people are like, oh, shit. Shops falling off like a motherfucker.

When Callen's been falling apart, man, bless his heart, dude. I saw him the other day. And, man, I don't know if they're not. I mean, I thought he was a, look like he just went to an early movie. He looked like a senior, you know? And it was just weird. I caught him at a glimpse and it was like, oh, wow. Yeah, if the light hits his face right, you're like,

Shit. Yeah. Somebody get this guy some jello. Someone get this guy a nice warm mask and some cucumber to relax, you know? Well, a lot of it's stress. I think a lot of his skin falls off of his body a lot, it seems like, because of stress. You ever seen that movie Death Becomes Her? Where they take that, that potion and that makes them stay alive forever, but their body can't keep

out with so they're falling apart. Like they have to spray paint, their skin and shit. You ever seen Death Becomes Her? Is it cool? Hell, yeah. It's a classic. Really? Fuck.

Yeah. Never heard of it. Death Becomes her? Death Becomes her is a classic, bro. Dude, classic, bro. A classic what, dude? Movie. Death becomes her?

Yeah, for who? For the world. Oh, my God. Meryl Streep? Oh, I love Meryl Street, dude. Well, Death Becomes her one of her biggest movies. Dude, I'd meet too with Meryl Street, bro. If she came on to me, I wouldn't do it the other way.

But I'd watch her jerk off into a plant. Oh, wow. You got gold. Haldi Hahn, you got Meryl Streep, and then Bruce Willis is the doctor. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's a big movie, son. Classic. Dude, I can't believe that, oh, I went to Mitzie Shore's funeral last night.

Oh, how was that? Service. On Sunday, yeah. Yeah. It was interesting, man. Jim Carrey was there. What? That's my hero.

Yeah. Dude, it was pretty crazy to see him. I've seen him over there before at the comedy store, but it was just interesting to see because he used to work there, you know? Hell yeah, he used to work there. For him to be back there and, like, you know, just seeing, like, all the people. people that probably used to work there. When he was there, like the people that were, you know, the waitresses and stuff. You just saw him having a good time, which was pretty cool, you know.

Do you have the beard? Do he look crazy or is he doing better? No, he looked pretty normal. I mean, he's always kind of looked like a little bit of like a kind of tall. These days he has that long hair, kind of a tall lesbian sort of feature. But did he cut the beard? I think he's shooting a show for showtime. So he had to kind of quit the weird kind of beard act.

Yeah. Yeah, he may, yeah, I didn't see a beard on him. But he was having, it just seemed like he was having a good time. Who else was there? Did you talk to him? I didn't talk to him. I just said welcome back when I was walking down the hall.

And who else? Oh, Louis Anderson was there. It was pretty cool. Legend. Yeah, he didn't have the beard. He was clean-shaven.

Yep. His hair was really long, though. Like, super long. Man, it's kind of sad that he's getting older. It's like it just, because he's like the best.

He's like... The best while time, yeah. He's like a conduit. It's almost like it's not even in his control. It's like there's a higher power that wanted something to be so entertaining to us. Have you ever seen this?

He only did a 30-minute space. Have you ever seen it? Yeah, he released, a lot of people, he released one special. It was like 30, 40-ish minutes. I mean, it's just good. Yeah, it depends. If you're a young cut, like for me, when I, you know,

when I would watch that, I saw it years and years ago, I'd watch that, oh, I can't do that. Comedy's not for me. Yeah. Because he's so animated and he's doing these impressions. And I'm like, oh, my God, that's stand-up? There's no way. Yeah.

Yeah, he would turn. I bet he would turn a lot of people off because he's so talented. to. Correct. Exactly. Exactly. If Delea were more, like, if he had more of a jovial, like goof, if Delea were like a goofball, I could see Delea almost getting to be, because Delea can move so well.

Delia is a goofball. Yeah. But there's goofball level with Jim Carrey. You know what? That's a good fucking correlation. As far as right now, I'd say, obviously, Delea is not on Jim Carrey's level, but as far as, like, that goofy stage present, where. he's like moving.

He could do all that. Yes. Chris has the physical blessings to be able to do all that. You know, he has his gifts. Like he's so, I mean, he puts his arm out and he's, you know, he's three feet for himself. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen, have you seen, we've brought it up?

You ever seen Delia when he did the lip sing battle? Oh, yes. I have seen. It's ridiculous. But he's so, like, gifted with that. And he's not trying. He's just so silly, man. Like, I'll watch his Instagram videos and they're fucking crack me.

me up. Yeah, he's a he's an anomaly to me in a lot of ways, man. That's a good kind of, because with Jim Carrey, DeLea, too, if you watch DeLea now, but if you watch that Jim Carrey video early on inspiring comic, like, oh, fuck.

Yeah. It would be like being a white basketball player watching the Alan Iverson highlight, like, I sure's fuck can't do that. So I'm not going to play basketball. Yeah. I think we got to enslave white people so that we can eventually one day be at sports, bro, because otherwise we're out.

We're out. I mean, name a white player that one guy for Boston, he broke his leg trying to play with other. What you're talking about? Well, for basketball? Basketball, that's just, yeah, it's tough, you know? It's tough. But, you know, we still hold down, so like quarterback.

What are, yeah, so quarterbacks. Yeah, narcolepsy, I think, is he becoming a sport? Like, that's like the new white sport. Like, wait, hold on. Who else do you see at the comedy? Sleep apnea. Who else you see at the comment? Oh, hold, that reminds me.

I saw, I was on third street with my fam on Saturday. And there was a, like, a protest going on for energy exhaustion syndrome or chronic fatigue syndrome. And then people were getting on the mic being like, I got misdiagnosed by all these doctors. And, you know, they just said, oh, I'm tired. And it's because of my work. And then I have a condition where I'm tired all the time. Oh, well, some of those people are just fucking lazy. Yeah, that's what I said.

I looked around and said, not one of you are in shape. So that might be a problem. Dude, if I lay down for two days, bro, I could. If I don't get myself up and go do something, I could be lazy for the rest of my life. I went to seniors yoga this morning, dude. How was that? Some of it was fucking challenging, but towards the end, these seniors. They were farting there, though, huh?

I don't know if they're farting. I don't know what they're, I mean, it seemed like anything could be a fart. Anything goes. One guy was on his map for like nine minutes. I thought, damn, that dude's out. Dead. Wait, back to the comedy store thing. So, Louis Anderson, you saw Jim Carrey.

Jim Carrey. And they had it all blocked off. Like, they had it all carpeted, the whole back parking lot. They had curtains. They had like, you know, check in, guest check in and everything. It was a real deal. Did Rogan show up? No, Rogan wasn't there.

I haven't seen him there in a while. Well, he just shot his special. Oh, he did. And then he went on vacation. Oh, nice. Good for him. He's there. I think he's back Tuesday or Thursday.

Good for him, man. Yeah. Dice got up and did some time. He did what now? Was it just commenting on the relationship with Mitzie or was it like there's some funny stuff? It was some funny stuff. Like, Dice had some funny stuff.

I don't, I think Dice, I always think it just seems like a dick. But, um, it's not even his act. He's also just a real dick, you know?

I've never, I've never met him. And I miss, I'm balls deep, especially old school comedy. I watch it. And I, I watch that and I don't get it.

Right. But I'm not saying he's bad. I don't, I'm, I'm no one to critique comedy. Yeah. You know, I don't,

but I, that kind of brand doesn't do it for me. But people love him. He's fucking, he was huge back in the day. as big as you could get. As big as he gets inspired a lot of people. Sorry,

expect him, but I've never met him. Yeah, I mean, I think he's a great marketer and stuff. And maybe he's not really a dick, but like, he'll come,

like he would bring, he brought me on the comedy store stage a couple times, and he, every time he forgot my name, right, which is fine, but like the third time, I'm like,

whatever. It's just not putting any effort in. Yeah, it's just a lack of respect. That's the thing. At third time, it was a blatant lack of respect. And then I said my name from the back,

you know, it was like, who's next and and I said it and then the guy said it he's like who who who you know funny yeah it wasn't even proud doesn't think is funny and he had bombed bro but um so I guess that made me personally so maybe maybe the issue's mine

you know I just have a personal you know that kind of hurt my feelings but your experience with him yeah that's fair but yeah but it was so he got up Paulie got up and it was pretty wild man that must have been powerful it was powerful he was like kind of crying and like and like sharing and like sharing and

he talked about they had a comedian they got it before him. They got Argus Hamilton. If you ever seen that guy, he's really old. He's always dressed red and white. He looks like he's dead, but he's alive. Yeah. And he, and then Polly got up after him and said, that guy used to fuck my mom, which was pretty cool. Everyone's laughing. Yeah, everybody's laughing. And then

he's like, Andrew Dice Clay was up here. He used to fuck my sister. He goes, so that was pretty. Jesus, nice. So, Paulie, like, you know, just talked about how what a family it was there. And and it was interesting, man. Are you all get up? I didn't see Arsenio.

He might have been there. Howie Mandel might have been there. Sagitt was there. I think he got up. He talked too much. Sagitt talked too much. Kevin Neeland was there. Just milling around.

He didn't get up. Roseanne was supposed to get up. I think I don't know if she did. And that was... Did Mitzie pass you or no? You were there after. I was there after. So the guy Tommy passed me.

He kind of looked like a, you know, like a lesbian in a little bit, but also like a man. And Tommy's still not... Tommy's not there anymore. It's Adam. No. Yeah, Tommy got accused of embezzlement. and so I'd let him go. It makes sense.

Yeah. I can't have that. You can have a little of it. Yeah, it's tough. You could take five out of, you know, you can take five off the top. Yeah. If you're cool. Yeah, if you're cool.

But other than that, probably shouldn't have it. You can't take 20 off the top. It was a good time though, huh? Yeah, it was chill, man. Anybody could be a comedian then. It was like you just had to get a ride over there. Yeah. Same back then.

Just get a ride over there. I mean, dude. You just showed up. People tell me, you know, I've been there, you know, I've been there, in and out. what, two years now, two and a half. And it's, you know, it's always been, I mean, fucking the spot. Yeah. It's bad.

But you talk to Brian, you talk to Rogan. I talked to all these old school guys like, dude, in like the 90s, that place was a fucking, in the early 2000s. Yeah. Fucking ghost house. Like, there's no one around, man. That's crazy. Yeah, they said, you get up at the OR, there'd be two people in the crowd. Brian goes, I once performed for one dude in the main room.

Wow. And he was dying laughing. And I did 40 minutes for him. and then drank his blood. Brian might need a transfusion soon, dude. Yeah, from a young child, though, from like a teenager girl who's going to give up that blood. Brian looks like Bramstroker right now. Yeah, he's in that.

He's got, but maybe he'll get a job on one of those. Well, he's got his new show coming out too, huh? Yeah, he starts filming next month. Right now he's in New Orleans, film and move with Josh Dremel. Oh, I saw that. And Megan Fox. Megan, watch your tities and ask because Brian will grab you. Yeah.

But, uh... Oh, he's that, he's a, he's a me too of motion. I said, I said, enjoy doing that movie. He said, who you can have mine? I said, Theo. Yeah. And he goes, what? Again, I went, the fans demand it.

Man's about take your job. Dude, I'll babysit his job whenever, man. I appreciate you guys having me, man. I always appreciate it. I'm excited for you. You bring that thing to Calgary. Dude, this thing's going everywhere. Calgary?

You have my boy Chris LaBelle opened up for you? Yeah. Should you. He's going to do it. He's good, man. Is he? He's funny. You got, you like him.

Yeah, I'm excited. I watch some of his stuff. Yeah, we got Calgary coming up. We got Timbler brewing. How was that place in Bakersfield? That place is dope. Is it? Yeah, when are you doing that?

I think I'm doing it in May. That's a good spot, man. Let me see. I was nervous to do it because I'm not experiencing as you, and it's a brewing company. Yeah. So it's not exactly acoustics for comedy. And I got there. I was like, shit, because I've done casinos before where it's like an open ballroom.

I can't hear the crowd. So I got there. Yeah, that's the worst. It's the worst. And I was worried about that there. But it was great. Was it? It was great.

Yeah, the acoustics are the scariest thing, because if those are bad, it's hell. I've done to where I can't hear anything. I get off, and I'll look at my opener, my brother, and I'm like, damn, I bombed for an hour, bombed. Like, no, you know, we're sitting the crowd? I'm like, I can't hear shit. And you know how it is? And do you have bad hearing? Because you got hit in the ears, huh?

Not great. What? Yeah. But, and you know how it is? Like, if you're doing a bit and it's just fucking killing, I can roll with it more. You know, I have some other things. But I, I can't. I can't hear anything.

I was like, and, uh, anyways, and I just like speed through everything. Speed through it, but not that place. That place is dope. I always like to drink there, too. They do? Well, it's a brewing house. Oh, yeah. It's Bakersfield.

Not a lot of, uh, not a lot of going on in Bakersfield. Yeah, a lot of, uh, now a lot of fighters come out of, like, Stockton and in Sacramento. Is it the same in Bakersfield or is it different? Uh, a little different. You know, it's, uh, I don't know if you want to go out after hours in Bakersfield is what I was doing. Really? Yeah, tough, tough, tough blue collar area. Okay.

Boys like to drink. Now, is there a lot of homosexuals up there or no? No, that's frowned upon up there. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, wow, wow. Because, yeah. They might celebrate your haircut up there.

Oh, dude, a lot of lesbians hit me up on the deal. Asking about this cut, asking about this style. It's basic. It's a one into a two. Nothing fucking crazy. On the side's one into two, huh? Yeah. And the bat.

Don't touch the top. Don't touch the back. You got to thin out the back, and you just got to hope for the best at the bottom. and that's the Lord doing most of that but I'll be out there at June 23rd at Timbler Brewing and then July 6th and 7th I'm in Levity Livety Live and Oxnard

and I'm going to Chicago the dates aren't on the books yet though When are you in Chicago? I'm in Calanan. I'm open up for Cald a special June 20 something out there They're sold out, both shows sold out June 27th or 28th? I think it's July wouldn't it? Is it June? No, it's June 21st? Something out there when are you out there? Dude I might be in Chicago on June 27th

Oh wait no Damn, I feel like that's the same. Or June 28th? I might be there because I'm going to do a fundraiser. It says July 20. Is that it? Oh, is it not July? Wait, but then it says June.

Oh, that's, I don't know what the fuck is on that. It says July 20th. All right, July 20th. All right, July 20th. They've been fun if we're out at the same time. Yeah. That would be fun. Maybe I'll try to just come out there and watch it.

Or do some time. That'd be fun. That'd be awesome. for him. Are you? Yeah. That's awesome, man. He's shooting a special, huh? Yeah. That's going to be so cool. I'm going to do, I think I'm going to do a show in, I meant to hit you about this. I'm in this. I'm going to talk about it. But I'm doing a show in June at the Ice House. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you're around. Dude, I'd love to do it if I'm around, though. Yeah, I know. Because those days, ninth and the 30th or ninth. June? Yeah, ninth. I'm in town. I don't know if that's

when it is. I think I feel like it is. Or what about the 15th? 15th. 15th. I'm in Calgary. It's fun, man. Yeah, I'm excited, man. Yuck, yucks. Come on out, yuck, yucks. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what else has been going on, man. Not too much, dude. Oh, uh...

What's that? Oh, what were you going to say? I was going to jump to some current events. I was going to take a hot piss first. Yeah, take it. All right. I'll sit in here and talk to Chinny. All right.

Talk. How you been, Cheney? Busy, huh? A little busy, but good. Happy. Is Cheney racist? Is it racist? Is it racist, like Cheney?

Cheney? Yeah. Cheney seems racist to me. Dude, I went on JK. You said it? It sounds like a... Isn't that what you said? I call it guard brook sometime, but I think that's a cute nickname.

Cheney sounds like more endearing. Like a... Chinny? Oh, Chinny does sound cute. Like a sweet thing to say. Yeah, you know what? It's nice. Dude, do you know the guys from JK News?

Have you been on there? You ever heard of him? Yeah. Just kidding. Yeah. My friends are... Well, my friend is real good with friends with all those people. Oh, that's awesome.

YouTube crowd. They had that kid David So. Do you know that kid? Yeah, I heard of him. Dude, he's funny. Wait, I've seen him before on YouTube. So, yeah. Is he the shorter guy?

He's taller and chubby? Well, he might, I think he's taller. He's chubby. Dude, he was so great. David So comedy? Yeah. Oh, David So, S.O. Yeah, I've seen this guy around.

He was. This guy, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's been around for a while, too. Like, having him might be fun. I don't know if you guys have a lot of Asian. people in, or any people in, but he's a funny guy. He has a good YouTube following, and he's, dude, he was fucking entertaining.

I was blown away. He just says so many things that lead to so many conversations. Oh, so he's really good conversationalist, too, then. Bro, so good. And that show was great. They have 1.7 million subscribers. Dude. Bobby went on there.

Bobby's the only Asian to ever be in there that I think. In here? Yeah, I honestly think that he's the only Asian person that is been there other than me right yeah dang dude you know what the saddest part is it was kind of the first group of Asian people that I ever really spent time around and two of them are Latino so but it was this guy David so's group the jk news okay but it was dude I had so much fun and they were so much more realer than a lot of times I expected it to be totally different than it was what you expect I guess I like they're kind of like just really to the point and like blunt yeah blunt

and like factual exactly how they feel it didn't seem like they tried to like hide a lot of stuff whereas I feel like we get a lot more nervous about saying stuff sometimes that's different than me then because I kind of like hold back I think a little bit dude they were to the point

that's good but yeah their subscribers are crazy on YouTube yeah they got a lot of fans dude what's going on these YouTube he was telling me about a guy named David So flexing for you bro you were yeah

all right here fucking put them see I'm giving you that damn bro I know I looked like a I looked like a honey badger you looked like you got stung by bees dude golden bees

should we do some current events sure what you got son dude chin was saying sorry that the only Asian guest you ever had was Bobby Lee

that's it right I'm trying to think that had to be right yeah that's how to be I haven't had any he had only had four guests. Well, I had Eddie Bravo.

He's not Asian, but he could be Asian, bro. You know? Filipino or something. He's, I think he's Latino. Yeah, he's Mexican. Yeah. Yeah, Bobby Lee, really, you know, the only Asian dude. We've got to get some Asian guys in here, huh?

I mean, who cares, but if they're funny? Who else would you want on, Chin? If we let you pick any guests come to studio? Comedian-wise or any Asian? Doesn't matter. Any Asian? Any Asian? Just an Asian.

Oh, we're trying to get Homeboy on, though. Ken Jong? Kim Jong, yeah. Yeah, that would be awesome. He would be great. So there you go. Trying him on. Just him, Chin?

That's all one of the pops in the head right now. You don't have like a K-pop group or some shit in here? If we could get some K-pop members, that would be ridiculous. Or a Z-ball? What about one of those guys? Pokemon character or some shit? I don't know those characters. Yeah.

This kid's funny. David So. I don't know if you ever seen him or not. I was on his show the other day called J.K. News. No, I haven't seen it. Bro, this dude. This dude. Their whole group was really, really funny.

Really? Yeah, bro, it was crazy. I was out in East L.A. And suddenly I'm in a base. We went like Latinos, Asians, bro. And I went to this thing. Once I'm downtown, you pay these two Vietnamese dudes, 50 bucks. They'll fucking beat you up, bro.

I don't want that. You think you don't. And that feels nice? Because you deserve it, bro. I don't deserve to be beat up. We all deserve it. What did they do to you? Dude, what if a guy came to you right now?

punched you in the fucking face, right? And said, you know what that's for and walked off. I wouldn't know. But could you think of something maybe it could be for it? For being awesome? Well, look, if that's how you take it, then that's good for you. That's a punch and face for being awesome. All right.

That's fair. Dude, then that's great. I would be like, oh, fuck, there's a million things that could be. I did cut that one guy off. Oh, I would, oh, brothers, a million things I could think of. Not for you, but for me, you know, if that happened to me. See, I'd like, ah, that makes sense. I'd punch me in the face too.

Yeah. To have the audacity to think of buying a McLaren. You know what? You should punch you in the face. But if you were like, fuck, man, that's for being awesome. That's the, you're so lucky. Right on, bro. Yeah, right on, dude.

Thank you. Thank you. Let me exchange the favor now. A couple vets down there would just body, you know, just a lot of body blows. You put on one of those dog bite suits. It's 50 bucks. They beat you for 10 minutes, bro. Kicking in the nuts and shit?

Yeah, you can't feel your nuts. You can't feel anything in that dog bite suit. But you can feel the, just, But no head trauma, though. Nothing you couldn't handle, bro. You might not be able to handle it because you have some. I've had a few, yes. Yeah.

But I don't know if I want that. I don't see what I'd get out of it. You've probably already had it. You probably got it built in after whatever happened to you. You just feel like you need it. Yeah. Oh, I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I deserved it.

And I almost, and I tipped them afterwards and I fucking deserved it. You thanked them. Did you bow? I don't think I bow. I just, I don't think Vietnamese people do. do any of that. They just show up and fuck you up. Is that true chin?

Yeah, they don't. Yeah. They show up and fuck you up. They eat, fuck you up or whatever and go. They cook your food afterwards? Oh, no, but they had food outside. They had a truck, one of those food trucks. It's like a buddy hinas, but they beat your ass.

Yeah, it's just like that. Sick, bro. Rowan, yeah, it felt good. But anyhow, so that's what it was. It was down there and it was just place, and it was just awesome, man. It was great. Well, why don't we, I don't know. You tell me what day.

I'll get us some Panda Express. Nice meal. go down there, get our ass whoop. At least do Panxpressing bumper cars. You know what I'm saying? Can you do bumper cars? Because you can't do a lot, right? They don't make bumper cars anymore because

2019, but yeah, I hear you. Nope, they sure fuck don't, Theo. You know, bumper cars because you sue them. Yeah? You made those bumper cars, your neck with, my neck with snap. Oh, yeah. My brother, I'd be having fun, like, standing at the hot

chicken, my brother just come fucking sidecar. Good. Oh. You can sue these days. It's so messed. up. There's somebody dying off of peanuts and bumper cars. When I was young, fuck them. They're out, you know? I agree. You're the weakling. Yeah. It's like adult asthma. Maybe God don't want you

down here. Maybe you don't want you breathing. Yeah. Yep. If you can't breathe and you shouldn't be a lot. It's a sign. God's saying, I need you up here more. Yeah. Yeah. If you can't take a couple hits off the universe, then you got to go. Right. That's it. I can't drive a bumper car. Get the fuck out of here. We got to get some Asian, man. I need you get some Asians in my life. I realize that. A couple of Vets. Do you like Asian women? I got to get a couple Latinos. Do you like Asian women? I think I like them.

I met a Korean girl one time. Yeah. And this was in Idaho. Jin's a listening. He's a liking. Idaho. No, Utah.

Just kidding. Well, her legs wouldn't come apart though. You ever getting like chopsticks that are real too hard to get at the top? And they won't break? She's a Korean mermaid. Yeah, she was kind of mermaid, but with two legs.

Bro, you ruined a mermaid? No, I didn't, bro. You tried separating the mermaid's fucking tail? I tried. You were dealing with a Korean mermaid and even fucking realize. Why is it? My fucking shoulders gave out of. I tried for like three minutes.

So, but I guess it's God's plan, you know? Or you ruined this plan. This plan was for the dark arts to meet a nice mermaid, cream mermaid, and you fucked their life up, and she can't function. Oh, man. Dude, do you think, are you, Asians not your style, though? Oh, I like it.

I think, here's my issue sometimes that I have around some Asian. I find an Asian so attractive. Do you? Oh, yeah. I feel like I don't know. I don't understand the vibe. You know, like, if it's a white girl, like I just grew up around white girls or around black girls.

So I get the vibe. I get if there is a vibe or if there isn't. But around a lot of Asian people, I haven't been around them much. So I'm not. You don't know how to act? Yeah, I don't know what is, if they're flirting, if they're not flirting.

It is tough to tell. So I don't feel like Asian people can't see white people. That's sad racist. Yeah? Not really. Yeah, I don't think. So I just feel like... They don't recognize you.

Yeah, they don't see me or they don't see... Maybe it is tough. It is tough. Like, Chin, I'd say you have a dry sense of humor. Yeah, for sure. Do you? I don't know what that means. I would imagine it.

It's tough. Yeah, you don't know if he's upset, if he's happy. Yes. Oh, okay. That's it. Like, you could have thought... Yeah, your father could have just died. The pressure is on their face is tough to...

Yeah. Did you just get a... Did someone give you a Ferrari or did your dad die? Yeah. I don't know. I have no idea. That's the thing. And I think they keep their joy inside because, like, us, we're just so verbose and, like, showy, you know.

And I think Asian people, they keep all their joy inside. And then at the end of their life, they're, like, whisper to somebody and say they were happy. And then they go to heaven. Wow, that makes sense, man. That's what I think, but I don't know anything also. We had one group in our town called Whites Against Mexicans. And we didn't have any Mexicans. And then they actually ended up trying to beat up an Asian kid.

one time. They tried channeling your anger towards the... Because, yeah, they didn't know. And then they used to call us Mexicans growing up just because my brother had real dark skin and I had kind of olive skin. Yeah, I mean, I hear you. My friend, Cody Donovan, who's now one of my best friends, end up being a real close friend. He was a fighter, right, find the UFC.

And it was eventually one of my train partners coaches. But when I was in college, we got to fight in downtown. And I got to fight with one of his friends. He didn't know me at the time. And I'm always tan. And I was a big dude. And he said... You were tanning?

No, I'm always tanning. I was running outside, so I was extra dark. Right. And someone separated me and his friend. And dark shout running around, boy. Yeah, big brown. Gun it down and cook it. Gun it down and cook it.

Dude. Joe Rogan would eat you, bro. Let me tell you this. The second the world ends. You'd shoot me in an arrow. Oh, in a heartbeat, bro. And eat my ass first. Oh, dude.

Yeah, bro. Because that's a freshest meat. Oh, 100%. Bro, he'd make flank steaks out of everybody's ass. He'd eat my ribs like their fucking. beef ribs. Bro, he'd be just grilling assholes and catching him in his mouth. Dude, that guy, he'll cook anybody. I bet he's killing

people out there and cooking him. Good chance. Out of Camp Rogan. But my camp, Rogan, but my friend Cody obviously didn't know me at the time goes, shut your fucking mouth, you Mexican. I was like, what? Yeah. Yeah. You see how people see you. Wow. I get a lot. I get a lot, though. Yeah. I can see it, man. You've almost

been beaten in a couple different ethnicities, too, from taking those punches, like your face swells up. Not too bad, though. Really? I stay brown. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I don't see you, dude. I feel like, yeah. Right now you seem a little bit more like Czechoslovakian. Like you could be like Vladi Divox fucking kind of handsome son, you know.

Really? You look like Debtlif Shremps' fucking adopted brother. Bring up that left for me. You look like Debtlif Shreps' fucking malnourous younger brother? Oh, geez. The dumb guy. You look like Debtlif Shreps if his step. Dad beat you.

Look at that, dude. Oh, my God, dude. I look like Deadless Shrimp and Shrek had a son. Damn, dude. Bro, to be white, you have to be nine feet tall to be white to play in the NBA. Oh, minimum. Yeah. That's be 10 foot tall and just cool, man.

And it's just black dudes beating you up and then you have to retire. Correct. What were we talking about, man? How Deadlift Shrimps should step in. Yeah. We got to get some, uh, we got to get some, uh, we got to get some, um, You need more agents on your show? Yeah, I need more Asians, man.

We're going to get some. We're going to get some. I need more anybody. I got to find some neat guests. We got an escort that came in, like a real escort, like a... Hot? Like a hooker. Yeah, I think she's pretty gay.

What did you find her? Found her on the internet. And she just wanted to come on the show? She wanted to get some things off her chest, bro. Would she get off her chest? I mean, she had small tits. That's not good. But yeah, but that's okay.

And a lot of men, you know. What ethnicity? White? Small tits, big ass? Nope, small ass, too. Maybe escorts aren't off for her. I know. That's what it seemed like.

That's like being a race car and not having, you know, nitrous or being real slow. Like, you probably not be a race car, you know? Yeah. And be Lightning McQueen. Maybe that's like, yeah. She looked like light McQueen. Like just no, you know, just. She was just basic.

She weighed about 80 pounds. Okay. This is a terrible escort. Yeah. That's like showing up for the NASCAR and there's a Prius in the bunch. You know, they're like, fuck, man. What's that doing? Yeah, it was, but anyhow, so, yeah, we had an interview with her.

What was she talking about? The struggle? She was talking about how she used to work at a peep show, and, like, dudes would put money in and the thing would go up, and then they would be back there with all these toys, or if they felt like fuck in it. And she said there was up on the other side of the wall where the dude was, there was always a bunch of, you know, G-ZM back there. And what?

G-ZM, you know? Jerking on. off. Okay. And that the guy, they couldn't even chislet off after a while it got so hard on there. Isn't that crazy? That's the power of J-Zam right there. Oh, wow. So how old was she? She's about, I think, 37 now. Oh, she's longing the two. Yeah, she's definitely losing some gum. What does she do now? She still does escorting. And she also, I think, she makes beats, dude. She's getting into music, which is crazy, but that's, you know, that's what's, you know, that's what happening.

Sounds like things are going well for at least. Those are the people I know, boy. That's the champ. You wanted the champ. You got all his friends. You know, the rat king. The rat king. The worst prostitute I've heard. The rat

king is brothel of fucking princess. The rat king, boy. There's going to go to vent. I'll pick my teeth of my tail, baby. The rat king is here, dude. The rat king and the bee sting. We're out of here. Dude.

Fucking. Rag King, a.k. Deadless Shrefs. You're fucking younger. Dude. Younger son. I look like

Tom Brady and Shrek had a fucking kid. Bro. Tom Brady. Bro. Tom Brady. I look like Tom barely. You ain't got nothing.

With Tom Brady, son. Dude, your finishing move is the anaphylactic shock, bro. You fucking you fucking out there raising bees, dude. You look like a

fad dude that got better but is also raising bees, bro. That's what he looked like. Dude, you look like fucking, like fucking wolves have been teething on your ears. You look like baby wolves have been teething on your ears.

You idiot. Let's do the news. Do you have women's shoes in here? What the fuck you guys doing? Dude, those are a game of throne cake, son. Sure they are, bro. Hey, keep your fucking guess. My guess, I mean, your prostitutes from my fucking studio looking for shoes. Dude, whose shoes are those?

Dude, no ones. Those are kids. Those are women's kids. Oh, just the news, Jen. Poor fucking. What do you think of this chick, first of all? You, yes. Right?

Yes. Here's some more pictures of her. All right. Okay, not mad. That one's not that great. little creepy. Well, do you hear about that girl that was sending some guy 65,000 texts after one date?

Jesus, that's her? That's her in pictures, but this is how she looks when she was caught. She's still hot. She's not bad. She's like a UFC fighter. What's up? Like a woman. She looks like a female UFC fighter. You know what? That's a really good person. Hold up. Scroll up? Does that say Hitler lover? So she called herself

some sort of a female Hitler. Oh, she's crazy. Yeah. So she's send him 65,000 texts. She drove from like Florida to Arizona where he's at and then broke into his house, took a bath in his bathtub.

And she's, I feel bad for her. She seems kind of like out there. Well, I'm not funny next guest, deal. I think she's open too. She might be bipolar, huh? Wow, bipolar. Go back. It says in another message she wrote, don't ever try

to leave me. I'll kill you. I don't want to be a murderer. Oh, what would I do with your blood? I'd want to bathe in it. Oh, dang. Yeah, I found your next guess. Call herself the new Hitler. What?

That's good for you, dude. Dude, maybe she should let Callum bathe in some of it, bro. Do you want to hear some of her? Yeah. Does she sound crazy? She sounds crazy. She seems like crazy, but I don't know if she would do anything crazy. Pretty hot.

She's a chin on her like Quagmire, though. Yeah, she got that. I'm looking a man after just one day. At one point, she claimed to be his wife. She showed up at his house, broke in, took a bath, and sent him thousands and thousands of text messages. I call it that she is here. I call it down in his bitch.

On a road trip from Florida. I should breathe on like that. I guess love. She says she met the victim online last summer on a site called Lexi. I met him online. I was looking for my healing angel. I meant told me I would meet a healing angel. She's completely out there.

Well, psychics lead women astray. Since that time, the man has reported her outside his home and for threatening text messages. Police say Addis sent 65,000 text messages to the victim. This guy sounds like a pussy. You can't handle that. I know. This is a down-ass girl. I told him if he ever blocked me on with that, that I would come and move here.

So he blocked me. Wow. Okay. So she's loyal. You know, she's a woman of her work. I'm sorry. I don't see the problem with this. This guy must have such a strong dick game.

You can pass up a loyal woman like this. Yeah. Now, what bothers me is say some oxygen for the rest of people in that room. Yeah. Why would she breathing like that? God damn. She might be on one of those oxygen loading things where they, you know, where you... Takes a while.

Yeah. Yeah. And you load up so you can hold your breath. Do you ever done that? Where you load up and you can hold your breath? for like three or four minutes underwater? No. No, I'm going to scuba diver.

Dude, you can look on it online. It's like a way to breathe. I've heard of it. And they say that's how David Blaine broke the record. Yeah, it's cheating. Yeah, it's definitely cheating. But, well, it's, I mean, Errol Flynn used to do with the guy on Tarzan

because he would do scenes or he'd have to be underwater for a long time. Oh, wow. And he could hold his breath for like seven minutes. But they, that's how you do it. Yeah, you just keep loading. I don't know if she did that. I think she has some sort of problem.

Oh, yeah. That could have been it. Yeah, I thought she was trying to be in a contest or something But she could have a problem, yeah But yeah, she seemed wild She seemed a little bit Hot in those pictures, but Yeah, you would never be able to tell

She got kind of a medium neck like I got She's hot as hell there Oh, now that's kind of good neck We might want to be careful of what we're sick She's probably looking at channel or energy somewhere else I don't want to be on the end of that Dude, how many guys are kind of like turned on by this Because I feel mildly erect by this

Me too, I'm a little aroused myself Yeah I don't know if I could handle that, dude You know, I can't handle that. That many text messages, I'm going to have to block you myself. But if you could channel that back to how many, say 100 a day? $500 a day. If you can tone that back to five a day, I'll fuck with you.

Yeah. Yeah. And don't text me after 6 p.m. Or before 7 a.m. Yeah, we know. And definitely don't ever call. Yeah, not when I'm going to tag me on anything on Instagram or Twitter. Yeah.

Stay out of my life. You basically, yeah. Until this dick needs pleasing. Oh, damn. But no, you're right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not bad.

No, definitely, we got to get these dicks out there. Okay. What else in that, Jen? This one, where a giraffe headbutted director. Gang, gang, bro. I respect this shit. Oh, man. Did you see this?

No, but I know why, dude, because Hollywood shows up in a people's neighborhoods, people's towns or whatever, think they can do whatever they want, right? If you draft don't play them Hollywood rules? Nope, no repercussions, dude. That's why, you know, the only time Hollywood ever came to my neighborhood, They, you know, people, oh, they wanted to get video of somebody saying, we saw an alien or something, you know, like. Oh, I saw that video that was the leprechaun. Yeah.

They saw the lepercon in the tree video. It's the only time it's always, they come and just to make us look stupid. Yeah. So guess what? We're fucking striking back, dude. With a head button. Yeah, you want to fuck with regular people? You want to fuck with regular animals?

You're in Africa and you're going to go fuck with a, what is that animal again? D giraffe. For sure. You know, that's a draft. Yeah, a long animal. You're an idiot. Well, this, what's interesting. too is here is they told because he's shooting a doc about giraffes which i'll probably skip that

documentary but yeah boring but it's a giraffe but boring but the thing is is they told him don't get too close to the giraffe because there's a risk of this he didn't listen he got close and out if you ever seen draft fight they swing their necks well that he was right up on the draft the draft swung boom headshot dead you got necked up bro and they they talked to the guy who uh owns the sanctuary and he's like he he disobeyed the rules like this is like this is This is giraffe doing draft shit. We're not putting the giraffe down. Raff's going to raft, dude.

And if you get, you know what I'm saying? If you start, especially if you, if you trail along a draft's neck, guess what's at the top of fucking head, you need? You're getting it burned. You're going to get burned, I mean, head budded. Dude, but how? And they have horns. Here's a little factory, too. I struggle sometimes with spelling as a kid.

You really? I could see that, dude. Not anymore, though. Well, you're, hey, bro, you have the mullet. So you get mullet. So, um, but I used to think, uh, giraffe was. Duraff. I thought I spelled with a D It talks about 23.

No, giraffe's a black dude, bro. Now I know that. Yeah. I thought it was Duraff. That's a real story. I thought it was a giraffe. Fuck you, public education. They let me slide on that. Giraffs, boy.

No one ever said anything. Look at them forcupines over there, son. You know what I'm saying? Then porces are crazy. Dude, bro. I just got this bold and retriever right here. I got all the fucking mammal. animals.

Yeah, I thought I was dera for the longest until my friend Shane Carmen, who's the educated man, went, you know it starts with a G, right? I went, shut the fuck up. He was, I swear, I went, wow. I have a college education, two degrees. No one ever said shit. Dude, they had a kid in our town named Robitus and Hearns, this black dude.

That's a great name. It was beautiful. Is it a doctor? Nope, I think he actually did end up working in a medical facility, though, but I don't know in what facet. Yeah. You know? But this is a long time.

ago. Robitusson. Mr. Robitoss. Yeah, Roby, they called him. Roebro. Yeah, Robo. Roe bro. Yeah, people probably call him Ro Roe. I'll call him Robo. We had a boy named dressed to kill in our town and he will wear church socks all the time. And the crazy part

is he ended up going to jail for murder. Damn. So that's wild. Why'd he do it? What else you got? Who knows? Another one, Wild Park one. So this is infuriating. A French family went out of their vehicle to a cheetah Can't trust the French.

That's what you get. You French out, boy. So the French get out of the vehicle? Yeah, which... Tell the kid die here, Chin. No, there's no deaths or anything. Thank you. We're fine here.

I'll show you the video though right now. Yeah, because Asians don't care if somebody dies. They don't. Chin acts like it's normal day. So this is them. This is not them. Is that a lion? Another crowd following those people.

Oh, no, no, no. So these, the French family's taking pictures outside. And then you can see them running back to their car right now. their kids there But they don't fuck with those people So look how close they get They're actually stalking them right now See that?

Oh my God They're getting super close But they don't want to kill them Because they would kill them if they wanted to They just want them out of their territory They want the baby Oh fuck Where was the baby

Just in their arms right there Oh my god But they let the baby go on On its own for a little while Oh my God Those parents should They should just be slapped around Yeah

And that's this is them before, you'll see him right here, out of the car, taking pictures of the Cheetahs. How stupid do you have to be? The only thing they've ever given us was fries. Yeah. Oh, the French, dude, and giving up early on stuff, that's the most

French thing you could do, wearing big hats, women and men looking very similar and wearing slicking their sideburns back, not washing their hair all the time. What's other French stuff, dude? Hollandaise. sauce, wigs, wigs, what else?

Salad dressing. Yeah, dressing. There's, dude, the, bro, there's nothing you can do than be fucking, if you're being French, bro, stay at home for me. You know what? We should just hire those Filipinos where you were saying just to beat them down, but without the dog suits. Oh, a couple vets, bro?

Yeah, a couple vets. Oh, I'd put 50 bucks on a couple of French, dude. I'd pay for a couple of French beat down. And no Panned Express either afterwards. This is the most French shit you can do. Get out and touch on an animal. With your kids? Yeah.

Imagine they get out to get a kid and then their kid gets killed by a lion. That's happened. God, man. Those are cheetah, son. Mother Nature's ready to strike back. I'm telling you this stuff starting in Hawaii, the volcanoes. Ooh, that volcano is some scary shit. And people think it's like a spectacle so they get out and watch it.

Bitch, that's a volcano. A volcano. That is the world melting and exploding up and it's on fire. You know how insane that is? That's a jeez. We're used to move it. So, like, oh, cool. That's that fuck.

That's the earth magma. Firing at you. People taking selfies and shit? Dude, the earth's just a big nut, bro, and that thing just straight up is busting out there. Busting. Dude, there's a video of a guy cooking a hot dog walking along the lava. What? With a hot dog on a stick cooking the hot dog above it.

I mean, that's awesome. Lava grilled dogs, bro? You can sell that on the internet. Open up a pop shop. What else you got in? Lava dogs. We just saw this. That was Khalifa talking about

potentially going into MMA. That's not real, is it? This is the video? MMA. So I'll show you the interview right here with TMZ. He was like 30 pounds. Good to see you, man. Hey, we talked to Jay Glazer the other day.

Yes, my man. He said you could go pro if you really wanted to. Jay's just joking. We're trying to make headlines. Or like rapping better. Oh, really? I wouldn't be a professional fighter. I just fight.

You know what I'm saying? Right, right. Would you ever consider, like, getting into Bellator or UFC or anything like that? I like Bellator. I like the organization. They're super cool and they fight so fun to watch. Yeah. But like, you got to pay me a whole bunch of money to get me to fight, man.

You know what I'm saying? Absolutely, man. That's why I just train with the best. Wow. They show me all the best shit. Oh, man. See, that's the product. This is the same, you know what, you can,

Stop it you. This is the same. So Callum pays this rich dude to teach him tennis. And Callan thinks he gets to get at tennis. I said, how much you pay that man? He tells him, I go,

that's his job to make you believe that you get at tennis. He's paying that man. Same shit here with Wiz Khaliv, and I've seen him hit Mitz. I've been around a few Mitz. I know people can't fight. Really?

He can't fight. He can't. So he's paying Jay Glazer a shitload of money. And Jay's like, you could do this pro. And that's a motherfucker think he can fight pro. Do you think he really believes that he could fight right now? Yeah,

unfortunately. Do you think he, who would they fight him against? Somebody like who, Roy Moore? He's about 6-70. He probably fight Demetrius Johnson. Probably weighs about 1-15, 125. What about that redneck guy, that fat, that white guy?

Roy Nelson's no way. Would he? I'd watch him. No, he's a heavy weight. I'd watch that. But no. It looks like the number 10 if they were fighting. Be him and then Roy.

Look at the number 10. It would. Inside that octagon. We don't want that. I'd watch, I'd watch him versus anybody else with last name Khalifa, dude. Isn't there a hooker with name? Khalifa or a stripper?

Oh, no, there's a, there's a, there's a, uh, uh, porno star, right? She is bad, boy. Oh, yeah. She follows me on Twitter. Has she. I've watched him, like she does. Yes. Wow. I know. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Yeah. I'd watch him versus Mia. And Mia looks like she could win. She looks way stronger than him. She's definitely stronger. He's like nine feet tall, man.

And weighs a buck. Straight up. Yeah. A hundred pounds. Yeah. That's crazy, dude. Yeah. It would be like trying to walk through a force and you got like a branch is near you. That's what it would be like if you seem like moving one of his arms. Well, it'd be like fighting Jack Skelton from fucking the... Tim Burton movie?

Yeah, Nightmare before Christmas. Oh, yeah. He's like a real life Tim Burton. I love Christmas, dude. I'm thinking about milfs, too. Dude, I had all these dreams. I had the dreams that I was at an airport with those water in it. And all the lifeguards were milfs, bro.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. And I've been having that dream. And it was Christmas time. Do you wake up, Jack and all? I don't know. I used to jack off in his sleep, though. Oh, wow.

That'd be terrible. Yeah, he had a tough time with it. And he, um, and then made him wear these jingle bells on his wrist after a while. To wake him up. Yes. That makes sense. Yeah,

I don't know if it makes great sense, but it was effective and cheap. Yes. What is this else about? Sorry, interrupted you. No, go ahead.

That's pretty much it. Yeah, it's whatever. What else got you got, Jen? Um, damn, bro. Hotis everywhere. I know. All right.

All right. So, Damn, boy, you came in here horny today. Dude, I am horny, bro. Something's wrong with me, dude. Or something's right. Your nuts are feeling up. You're on the testosterone?

Nah, man, I'm off. I thought about getting back on it, but your hair, I feel like my hair will fall out. No, that's not true. You don't think so? No. It would do your favor if it was pulling back some of your hair. Your hair's about to run in your eyebrows. You shitting me?

You're so much here? Whatever, boy. Were you on T.R.T.T. your testosterone replacing? No, I used to take testosterone back in the day to go to the gym. You know, I used to do that performance enhancers. There's a difference.

There's some steroids and testosterone that test your levels and be like, oh, you need more energy or leaner muscle mass, then they put you on the correct dosage. Oh, wow. And you'd shoot it every week. Uh-uh. Did you ever do that?

No, I probably should. Yeah? Would you have, but you can't go back and fight anymore, right? No, I would have. Right. But you, yeah, you wouldn't. But if you took that stuff,

no, you definitely couldn't. You couldn't. It might be able to do Bellator. Couldn't fight in the UFC though. Right. Do you feel sometimes like that va, like, that you had an aggression at that time that's not the same now? 100%.

Yeah, 100%. Because I've never seen any of your fights, man, I couldn't even imagine you. Like, I couldn't imagine you as a fighter. And I don't mean that in any offense, you know. No offense taken. Yeah, a lot of people can't like, I was watching the fight Saturday.

My girl's family's in town to stand with us. I'm watching the fights. And her grandma was like, I can't believe people do this. And then so I was like, well, you know, Brett and she's like, no. And she's like, why? this goofball and then we had to bring up highlight she's like what the fuck and i was watching like oh it's a different dude wow it's just a different game that's cool though man that's great that you

this i mean that's cool just to go to different do able to take on different things and you know and uh and stick to them that must have been the hard was it so hard to just keep training and that kind of stuff i love the train i still love the train um but it was just it was so stressful and scary for me yeah stressful and scary And where there's some animals out there in that sport? I mean, there are some savages. Yes, man. Yes.

Hell you. God. Phenomenal fighters. Stress. Oh, it scares me, bro. Me too. It scares me a lot, man. I get scared of that having to really fight somebody.

Like, I could fight somebody that I could beat up, you know? Yeah. But to really fight somebody, man. And have to really defend myself. Yeah. It's not going to be easy. There's no easy fight. No swords.

They're all good. No hatchets, bro. Nothing, bro. Yeah, dude. Did anybody ever try to, like, sneak anything in their waistband? Like, you couldn't do anything like that. Never. Like, in Bloodsport, like, put salt in my eye or something like that, like crunch it up, like, tongue laying.

Yeah. Glass up your knuckles or something? No. Yeah. Man. I would cheat. I would fucking put some cinnamon between my fingers right there or something, or, you know, I would do something, you know, or hot a little bit of pepper right there in my knuckle. Oh, wow.

You know if that's going to help. I think it could help a little. If you get pepper in one of somebody's eyes, then one eye, then you're fighting like a one eye. Just poke them in the eye and they give you a warning. Yeah, but that poke, they, you know, that pepper, they might not see it. It's so small. You know, or glitter even, glitter they'd see. If you miss the eye, you're going to get it on their cheek and they're going to see that.

I don't know. I've got to think of some more strategies, bro. I wouldn't be the best fighter, though. It's not for everyone. What else you got to? I would be the fear bear. That would be my fighter name. They'd be the rat king, bro.

Yeah, fear bear rat king, dude. Some guy would just take me by my mullet and just fucking. slam me against the fucking cage one time man what's the cage made out of fucking steel is it really it's a steel cage with rubber over it

hard as fuck I could do more of a wooden cage type of thing what is it dude they don't do anything like that splinter son yeah but that's more my thing you know I can fight with a little fucking

hold on it just hit me you know you're the only dude in 2018 who strives for a mullet yeah Oh, you know, you're the only guy who rocks the mullet. You think, bro? No, I know.

I don't know. I see tons of people. I never in 2018, shit, prices, 2016. I've never seen another old man with a mullet on purpose. There's some haters out there, bro. I know, man, but you just keep rocking. People are afraid. Boy, step into the hair cage.

You know what I'm saying, boy? I'll see you in the octagon, bro. I can't imagine with a different haircut. In the wooden hair cage, dude. I'll take on anybody, any barbara bringing it on, dude. Right King don't care. Dude, when I grew this out, yeah,

Ray King don't care. When I grew this out, dude, this thing changed my life, man. Yeah, I think things started growing better once you grew the mullet. Yeah, well, I just felt more like myself. People started taking more serious. I don't know if they did or not.

I don't think they took me serious anyway, but I didn't take myself serious before. Because I was always trying to look, like, I always tried to look, I was always concerned about how I looked. Yeah. And now I don't care at all. Really?

Yeah. Well, you're a good looking. dude it's not like you're hideous i'm an eight bro if i take care if i brush my solid number eight yeah damn it's a strong number it's a little snowman you know eight eight's solid i would i'd definitely give you an eight eight really yeah yeah i'm an eight and a half if i'm not an eight and a half man if i brush my teeth i'm an eight um i would say you're an eight you possess skills too you're funny i don't have a lot of skills though you know my skills are very I have some skills that I keep secret

And then I have some Dark magic No just different types of stuff You know I'm not gonna say some of them But then some skills that people know about That they're not very That I'm not skillful at

Comedy are skillful at Yeah chicks dig that Yeah chicks dig it some But they dig it more On some other people out there You know People that didn't fucking win The fucking strap

You know Like Chris Dealia Dealia gets the ladies bro That's fine dude Have the ladies bro Let me see you get Why don't you find about a It's about a seven pound

strap find a seven pound lady you can wear around your waist dude well delia's tucked in at night with a dime piece you're tucked in with that belt you tell me who's lonely what's up now delia yeah well you're busting nuts on in women he's busting nuts on belts yeah i'm polishing up this fucking belt with a crud body coom baby you know i'm throwing out that freaking straight up louisiana coom out of my bees bro my god is that what else you get you uh that's pretty much is that i mean yeah that's pretty much it all right what does that thing for deal oh this thing? Yeah.

Oh, this was last night they had this at the comedy store thing. I think it was weird. Getting in there. Yeah,

it was fun, man, you got in there and they... I know, but why he's still wearing the wristband. I don't know. Water park or some shit.

Yeah. You want to keep it or something. Dude, the water park was the thing, bro. Remember that? It was the thing.

Even back then I didn't wear Aqua socks. It was just, uh-uh, I didn't celebrate those. Dude, damn.

Never. But you seem like that kid that like, bro, I bet you were like the biggest fucking kid. Were you always? No, I was a late bloomer.

I was small, yeah. But I always had the mindset that I was bigger than I went. So my nickname was Biggs as a kid. Yeah, you know why? Because you were big. No, I promise. My friends called me big because I always thought I was bigger than I was. No, because you actually wanted to do.

What I was? I was a late bloomer. No, I promise. You don't know how things work, though. Yeah, I do. You need a mirror. You need a mirror. We've been over this.

Dude, bro. You need some fucking bee sting medicine. Somebody put some Kalamine lotion on this, too, bro. You need to come out with Brian Kalamine lotion, dude, and put it all over your face, dude. Are you living with bees and you don't know it? Damn, dude, you drinking bee milk? You milk and bees? My God, dude.

You guys got to grow up around here. Yeah, we do, man. We do, we got to grow up around here. We all do, huh? We all do. Are you at your comedy store this week? Yep, I'll be at the comedy store, man. I think I'm back to the Lafactor on Friday.

Are you? This right or next Friday. I'll be up there, man. I'm trying to go to Chicago Lafactory. Have you ever been there? No, I haven't. Been to Long Beach Laugh Factory. I'm trying to go there.

And I'm going to have Nicole Arbor come on my podcast. You ever heard of her? What she do? She's funny, bro. Is she a comedian? Yeah, white girl. You know, but... I'm up to see her.

I'm bad with names. She's very funny. Is she at the comedy store? She just came out with this new thing called Nicole Arbor, N-I-C-O-L-E, A-R-B-O-U-R. Dude, you know who's so fine. God. Jesus.

And she's very funny. She's gorgeous. Bro, she's funny. She's like really funny. Dude, she is. She's got them tatans, dude. She's ridiculous looking. Dude, she could probably breastfeed herself when she was about three months, bro.

She got huge tits. Two brothers are not video of a baby. She's like a real comedian? Or she's a personality She's a personality But she could be a real comedian Oh but she's not up at like comedy store And laugh factor and shit

No she does stand up but not there yet Gotcha Yeah But she definitely super entertaining Jeez yeah That's why it appears so Man she got them Guatemalans bro

You know So you have her on the podcast She got them leche watermelons You feel me boy Yeah I feel you bro Yeah Yeah Get in there boy

Get in there Some dude told me He was at a UFC event, just kept screaming, get her in there! And then other people started to scream it. Yeah, I heard that too, man. Funny, man. I've been getting some good videos, man.

If anybody has a good, get in their video, send it to me on Instagram. Please do, especially at a UFC event. Yeah. We post that shit. We need that. I had one guy legitimately DM me, goes, Theo's right, man.

You need to check the mirrors in your house. It's like, you fucking moron. Also, just come out and jerk off to me. If that's the kind of stuff you're going to write me, bro. You know, that guy's obviously jerking off to you. There's got to be some dudes out there that are jerking off to you, I bet, that also have wives, you know? What? Why?

You don't think any are with you, especially in the South? No. Because there's too much religious pressure down there for men to be doing that. No, see, but I think they do that in the privacy of their homes. Oh, no. You don't, see, I feel like the southern, they get done watching NASCAR, and then they gather around and watch your podcast and jihad. Oh, man. Nah, you don't know a lot about a lot of stuff because what happens is there's a lot of dudes in upstate New York, I bet, dude.

Just grilling fucking hot dogs. Inside, though, not outside. Yeah, it's cold. It's cold up there, bro. A lot of dudes with fucking neck tats, bro. Jacking off to me? Oh, yeah, but then they all go their separate ways and jack off. Yeah, like they're ashamed.

Like, oh, I'll see him about 10, bro. See about 10, dude, going to go work on my car, you know, but they don't even have cars. Yeah. Jacking off. It's a jack-off party. Man, dude. You guys always talk about jacking off in here. Probably here's the one that the Rat King brought that shit in here.

I'm trying not to jerk off. Every time I come in here, it says me back. You came in here horny, bro. I am horny. Talking about this poor girl, talking about some prostitute you had on your show. God, dude, don't remind me about all of this. She'd get that Prius of prostitutes away from my studio. Dude, if they had a car that ran on straight body coom, bro?

She would be first-team-all-bodied? No, I'm saying that I'd spray into that thing every morning, bro, and fill the tank up, dude. Oh, wow. What if they had a car that ran on semen in the future? Oh, all right. Well, don't refer to her as a car that you'd spray into and fill up with body. No, not her. If that had an actual car, she's a human being who I respect.

But if they had an actual car that ran on that body seed, you know, that fucking. You'd be able to make the working back. All right, man, we got to get out of here. Do we do? Yeah. I get two more shows to do. Oh, you do? Yeah.

Wow. I know, no count. The grind is real, brother. Dude, I need to learn, if I want to start learning more about him and me, like, what do I start watching? You know, do I have to start? Is there like a historical match that you should start off with? Yeah, you get UFC fight pass.

You get, like, you want, like, classic. You want me to give you, like, 10 fights you need to watch? Yeah, yeah. Or do you want to know? Yeah, maybe I'll text me questions. Yeah, maybe I'll do that. Yeah. Don't text me like that crazy, girl, but yeah, we'll figure it out.

I don't know. I don't ask you that much? I'm just outside of your apartment with those wrestlery or things on. Just laying mats in your yard. A million questions. As real as it gets, bro. Just doing body rolls out in the yard, bro.

That's great. Thank you guys so much, man. Thanks for having me, bro. Appreciate it. You're the best, man. Thanks for filling in. And thank Brian for letting me sit in his seat for today. Calgary, go see this, man.

Yeah, thank you guys. And Chin, thanks for having me. in man i appreciate all you you mean calgary give them give them your dates son yeah calgary man june 15th and 16th i'll be out there so come out here and get some of that uh that fucking heat that full body heat i'll be at cherokee casino and that's june ninth and then i'll be at timbler brewing and that is uh june 23rd and then charlie goodn't out there and raleigh have you been there not i have not raleigh north carolina and that's june july 20th and 21st so i'm excited about getting back getting down there in North Carolina and seeing what's going on.

For sure. I'm sure you see some care cuts like yours out there. Where can they get tickets at? You can get them all at Theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R. Go see this man. If you're listening to show, go see this man. He's one of the funniest in the world. He's also our guest of the year last year.

We'll see what you do this year. Be coming in with heat, son. The Rat King ain't messing around. This is the fighter and the Vaughn. We're out. The strap. That's awesome. some bro