The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 370 Will Sasso & Chris D'Elia

Episode Date: September 7, 2025

Will Sasso and Chris D'Elia step in as special guest hosts with Bryan while Brendan is away in Texas. Sasso sneaks in and surprises D'Elia and the guys discuss sweet tartin asses, modern art ripoffs, celebrities they're starstruck by, playing corporate gigs and colleges, Brendan's vertigo cure, the sound effect to Sasso's life, Bryan's funeral song, D'Elia's Starbucks in his guestroom and much, much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men. Can we stand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken. Chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Mm. Kids got a piece on them. Peace on them.

Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the Honit Student. Radio's in Plyar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. It doesn't matter.

Sounds better when you say, live. But we're not live. We don't do it live, right? And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. Shut up. This is not live. It's not live.

Are you going to wear those sunglasses the whole time? You know what? I don't even realize when they're on or off anymore. What does that mean? Because, you know why? Because my life is that cool. Okay. So when I have sunglasses on indoors, I don't realize it.

Okay. So I want to ask you something. Yo. Don't do that. Go ahead. Shoot, Pat. You are. Welcome to Fighter and the Kid.

Yes, I know. Chris Leah is guesting. Well, is it, well, looks like a two host. First of all, your shoes make you... Those are lifts, obviously. They're not lifts. Dude, I'm 6-2. Without those shoes.

No, they're not. They're air maxes, dude. You're acting like they're fucking... Well, and they're gold, right? They're gold, yeah. Well, they're like, you know, mad. Sox don't go. I don't care because I'm not into fashion, but...

That's obvious. Slam. Start out with a fucking grand slam, dude. It's not a slam. Hey, man, we got a bunch of fucking specials here at Denny's, but you just wanted the good old-fashioned grand slam. You know, that's not, don't, that wasn't a slam, and your mouth is twisted in such a disrespectful manner. Be respectful.

Okay, I'm respectful, dude. You know what? I actually am respectful, and I'll tell you why. And I'm going to take off my sunglasses, because I'm going to be respectful here, and I'm not a piece of shit. And what does a non-piece of shit do comes bearing gifts. I got you from a gift from Starbucks, dude. That's not, I can't. And I know you like this stuff.

Nope, I can't eat that. You know why? Dairy and I have psoriasis. Because it's sweet, sweet. It's a simply strawberry from Starbucks. And I got it for you. Now I drink a black fucking iced Americano. Now that's as hard as it gets, dude.

And I got that for you because you're a sweet tart tartan ass. That's why, man. I got you that pink fucking simply strawberry. It cost about $4.50. And that didn't make a fucking dent. But I got it for you. because you're a sweet tart tart and ass dude you fucking i can't i don't drink it all no i won't number one i have psoriasis and that will aggravate my skin number two number two i don't wouldn't

eat this anyway because i'm a hard dude myself you're not a hard dude you look cute as shit with that don't take a you have a pink iPhone case i do because i wanted to match because i knew i was coming to see you I change it with every day. I got a pink iPhone case for this because I knew I was coming here. No, no, no, no, because I knew I was coming here and I wanted to match your sweet tart tart and ass, dude. Don't say it like that. I don't want this. This isn't the fighter and the kid anymore.

This is the fucking, the real, the super deluxeo kid. No. And the fucking sweet tart tart and ass, dude. Hey, welcome to the super deluxeo kid and the sweet tart tart tart. That's not the name. You're not going to rebrand. This show that I've worked so hard to build. Well, what the fuck is?

Where's the other guy? Who cares where the other guy is? That's right. We're taking a break from the other guy. Now, let me ask you this. You are, we all know that you are, you only live in Chrisville. Okay, and that's okay. And I won't deny that.

Because you can only see as far as Chrisville. Now, is there anything in the news that is upsetting you, you feel like you need to contribute to? Yeah, of course, dude. Give me it. What is it? I'm fucking, I, I'm firing on all, on all cylinders, dude. What is it? And I know all about the news and what's going on in the world.

Okay. Well, I don't, you know, I don't like what's going on in the world fucking generally. I don't like what's going on. I also don't like what's going on in the world specifically. Okay, can you get, okay, so what specifically do you not like going on? I don't mean to put you on a spot, but I just feel like you're. Because I feel like you are a little bit. No, I'm trying to, I'm trying to expand your horizons.

And I feel like right now you're only reaching as far as Chrisville. I want to know if there's any way. It's not like that. That we can look beyond that. So what about the news is bothering? Well, it's a very politically charged atmosphere. And that's... You're being general, man.

No, but we have to figure out what the fuck to do on all fronts. Because if we don't, then I honestly don't know where this... I honestly don't know where this country's headed. I see... I see history repeating itself. Oh, that's... You're saying a lot of stuff. I see...

If we're not careful, I see... I see us getting into a lot of hot water and we're already in hot water. What we got to do is we got to get out of that. hot water and get her head above water. Okay, man, you're sounding a lot like Trump when he was he was running for office. You're being wrong. That's what he did. What? He goes wrong. You didn't even let me finish. Okay, well, you were wrong. Well, but I didn't mean to do what he did, but you weren't wrong. We could all, we all know that you were wrong. All of us know that you were wrong. No, man. You're bullying your way out of this conversation. Everyone's saying that you're wrong. Nobody's saying,

you don't know. Everyone says, you're bullying your way out of this conversation. So you with the tiny ankles, where tiny ankles well you have we're I think what happened in the wound no it's all right dude but that area didn't grow right so what don't say right afterwards it doesn't matter who cares and we're gonna move on from this it's interesting you're big feet now from your ankles to your hips yeah it seems to me well I don't care no that don't say okay you don't care but what it seems to me that after the age of 14 that area took a break okay it didn't come back okay but everything else Screw. No, that's not true.

And so who cares that you have 14-year-old legs? But you'd agree with that. But don't say that. I work out my legs all the time. I do it all the time. It's very hard. But you know what I mean? I'm trying.

And there's only up from here. Which is why sports not for you. Because sport comes from the legs at the end of the day. Right? Yeah, I know that. But sports. Dude, I, okay. But you could be a gamer.

Oh, so sports are for you, dude? Sports are for you? What? I'm an athlete. All right, dude, don't say that, man. You're not a fucking athlete just because you picked up boxing at 47. I'm an athlete. Oh, really?

I've never taken a break from my sport. Dude. My sports. All right. I'm always a little sore. Chess is, you mean chess? That's technically a sport. When you take me in.

What? You take me in. Bro, I don't take you in, man. Visually, you take me in periodically. No. And you, and I've seen this happen, and I don't blame you. But there's a, there's a primordial thing that happens when a real alpha walks in the room. And you do this.

And I've seen you do it. I don't care. But you go. Hold on. All right. Dude, I don't breathe like that, man. Well, no, I don't. Initially, when I'm standing in my cubic space and I'm feeling the impression that God has given me in the world.

I do what? And I feel it well. You go. Dude, I don't breathe like that when I fucking, first of all, I don't take you in. Well, it's involuntary. But when, because what I do is I'm saying, it doesn't happen. I've heard you do this. You're saying when you walk in.

Yeah. And you go. That's bullshit. Because what you're seeing is, is the hard, true, and very full, well, truth, right? No, no, no, no, no. You're saying when, when you walk in, I go like this. Yeah. No, dude, that's bullshit.

And then I heard you say this. He's the answer. No, that's stupid. He's the answer? That's what I've heard. The fuck out of here. All right. Maybe it's a, maybe I miss heard.

Get out of here, dude. I'm sorry I'm nasally, guys. You guys, I'm really nasally. Why? Because I got stuffed up because, dude, I, I, I, I fucking nasily. I went to the doctor the other day, and I go like this. what is it? And he's like, dude, sometimes you're just fucking too sick with it. That's not what the doctor said. I was like, I'm sorry? And he was like, yeah, he looked at me up

from his glasses and he goes like this, there's really nothing I can prescribe you. I said, but you're the doctor. And he said, I know, but there's nothing we can do. You're just too sick with it. He said, you're too sick with it? And I'm like, that's why I'm nasally. And he says, that's my best guess. So you're too sick with it. So W-I-D-D. T, yeah. Or D. I don't even know, but he just goes, you're sick with it, man. You are sick with it. And then I go out and I go to pay. And I was like, what do I owe? And they were like, uh, you know what? We don't want to charge you. We love your work. But you're just, come on. No, I know. That's what I said. Oh, come on. Please. Right. I know. I was in your shoes right here. I was like, let me pay something. You know, at least two, three grand. I don't know how much cost. But they were like, whatever doesn't make a. But they were like, yeah, you're sick with it. And I was like, oh, it's all good. You. But they were like, yeah, you're sick with it. And I was like, oh, it's all good. She was like, I knew somebody who was sick with it once. I was like, who? And she said, Gregory Peck.

I was like, Jesus, that was a long time ago. But apparently, you know, he was very famous. Yeah, he was. Of course I was. He was like more your time, period. But, um, that's, like the grapes of wrath, which was big right around when Brian was 40. All right, bro. But, but my congratulatory is very funny.

You say, I'm congratulatory because my podcast, congratulations is just skyrocketing in the charts, man. You've been talking about yourself the whole time. You need to start talking about other things besides yourself. I'm not. People, you know what's funny, I'm not talking about myself, but I think, I, I swear to God, there was a second, a few months ago. I started thinking of, I started thinking that my name was, what the fuck it's him. You're insufferable. No, no, this is other people.

I know what the fuck is going on, dude. I've been around you. Yeah, you get recognized, okay. But don't act like, you're not Justin Bieber. No, no, no. That's what I say to them. I'm like, guys, it's not Justin Bieber. and they go like, what the fuck it's...

I thought my name, for a second, I sort of got it thought my name was, what the fuck? There he is. No, no. And I was like, my name's Chris. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, we know.

Yeah, and you know, I've seen a lot of pictures of you sometimes that on the internet, when you're young, when you didn't have a beard, and when you had short hair. And it was interesting because like, that's the guy with the lunch pail, right? What?

Well, some people go through a transition, and what they do is they go, there's the guy you shove in the corner, give me your lunch, whatever it is, right? Or let's just shove them around or, or you know what, that's what they do. Yeah, no. And then then go, then you get mad in the mirror and you go, I'm going to make a change. No, no, no, no. I'm going to make a change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know.

That's true. And then you go, and your dad's like, let's get him a stylist. And you're like, I don't care how much it costs. I don't care. Oh, no, dude, I don't have. And then you, you're bad to pay the stylist $1,000, $10,000, whatever. And then he got, the style goes, grow your hair long, grow a scruff, and then reinvent yourself because your name used to be Dennis.

Now it's Chris. Is that true? No, that's not true. My name was never Dennis, dude. It could have been back then, right? All right, no, it was not, it couldn't have been. My name was Chris and only Chris. Would have made a diff.

It would have made a diff. And also, people fucking, if anything, my name is what the fuck it's him. That's what I'm saying. Now, when you're at your house, you post videos sometimes you and your home. Ah. Your dad can barely, barely take you and your brother. I know. You guys have the most ridiculous conversation.

That's true. We do. We have ridiculous conversations, but you know what? He made us, so it's his fault. I know. You guys are close, though. Yeah, we were very close. How's mom?

Good. How's dad? Good. How's your brother? Who looks up to me? No, that's not actually. He's skinny. I could beat his ass.

Okay, dude. But why are you saying that? But when I see him, I go, I'll punch you in the chest once you'd quit. But why would you say? say that to him, but why would you say that? I just want him to know that I can kick his ass. All right, dude. Yeah, I like him.

I can kick his ass. And by the way, if he's walking around with his girl, I'll take her if I want. Bro, okay. You don't need to say that. I wouldn't. I will. I'll go like this. I go out to him and I go, hey, scram.

All right. That's some 1960s bullshit. And I don't want you to say scram. You say scramed to my brother one time? No, no, no. That's disrespectful, dude. Scram. And then you, you go.

go. Nah, bro. You go, Brian, don't. You try to, you try to peacock up. Nah, bro. I go, what? No. What?

I'm too lanky for you to deal with, bro. I'm too lanky for you to deal with. You want to step? Huh? You want to step at me? That's absolutely not how it will go down. You want these fucking spaghetti arms wrapped around your fucking neck, dude? You in the mood for some dying?

Huh? You in the mood for some fucking thawking? Dying food. Is that what you say when you find it? Yep, I go like that. I look at people dead fucking square in the eye. And I say, hey, dude, are you hungry? Because I got some dying food for you.

Four years. And then I fucking whip around. They don't even know they're like, where do you go? And I'm behind them. Just strangling the shit out of them. Really? You ever strangle? I don't even choke.

I strangle. Okay, take it easy. When was the last time you were in a fight? Oh, God, dude. So many times. Have you and your brother ever come to fisticuffs? Only one time. Really?

Yeah. How old were you? Young. I punched him. You did? Yeah, because he was choking me. Or he punched me or something? I don't remember.

He was your younger brother, too. Yeah. And you beat him up. He was punching me or something, and then I let him have it. But I was bigger and older. Oh, what? Like, Dad, mother. No, dude, don't be.

It was probably about some cool shit like money or chicks. Yeah. Why aren't you drinking your fucking... Because I'm not a tart, heart and ass. You are a... You're a fucking... fucking sweet tart tart and ass. No, I'm not.

Welcome to the super deluxeo kid and the sweet tart tart and ass. Now what's going on with you? Oh, dude. No. Hey, dude, Brian tries to take it down to Boringville. Fucking, what do you want to talk about, bro? We're here. This is it.

Yeah. Fucking Brendan Shab. He's not here, huh? No, he's not. He honestly doesn't, you know what? He doesn't have the fucking determination. That's why he's not here. That's how I feel.

And I'll tell you something else. He's off in Austin or something. He's working on other business ventures. That's right. He's being Mr. Entrepreneur. Yeah. I don't have that in me. I'm not a business guy.

I'm a performer, bro. I'm a performer. Yep. He's got all kinds of ventures. I know. He's going to be like very wealthy. Yeah, God bless him. And I go like this.

I go, oh, cool. That's good. Let's talk about Big Brown coffee. I'm like, all right. I'm not organized. I'm the worst. I'm surprised you showed up here before I did, to be honest. No, I've been on time lately.

Yeah. No. If you had a sound effect for who you are, and what your life is, what would it be? Don't be a dick. Okay, I won't. Be honest. Okay, I won't.

Crystalia's life. Give me a sound effect. Don't be. Okay, I won't. I won't. Just be honest. You want to hear it? Is it?

No, it's not that, dude. I don't know. You know what it is? It's this. And that's obvious. So that's a rocket. taking off? Yep, and then turning into fucking sparkly flames. Yep.

Really? Yeah. And I'm right, I'm still, if you can believe it or not, I'm still at the launching sequence. Really? Right now. Because I've, so, I was trying to think, for me, I guess. I guess yours would be, ooh, right? No. But right, but yours would be, ooh, right? No, no, I'm not to be a dick. I think mine because I'm older

and I've kind of gotten to where it's like, I'm, it's like, in a way because I've arrived well no I've I've broken through that so so you're still trying to find it and in a way when you reach that you go I've been here this whole time you know that it comes full circle yeah it does well I don't fucking believe a word you say but that's how about that how often you YouTube my stand up to inspire yourself do you have clips on YouTube besides this bullshit show do you have but do you have clips yeah I do stand up on you YouTube? Yeah, I do.

You know that Kevin Hart after I did, ride along called me up, and he goes, hey, man, I'm just calling. I'm wondering, why do you only have like 170,000 views? He was talking about his. You don't know him. I do, huh? I know Kevin Hart, dude.

We did the fucking Justin Bieber Rose, and I saw him a few months ago at the comedy store, and he brought me up on stage after he bumped me. Yeah, he'll bump you. No, but not for long. Hey, you're doing Carnegie Hall. Yeah. You little jail?

Yeah. I mean, it'd be a big deal. Carnegie Hall. Yeah, I know. Actually, it's pretty crazy. I didn't realize how crazy. You know, you book these dates and, like, you're not sure about, like, you don't think about it.

You just book a bunch of dates. And then, like, when I promoted the Carnegie Hall one, when I put it on my Instagram, I got so many texts. I was like, what? You're playing Carnegie Hall? And I was like, fuck, I guess that is cool. You don't even think about it, though, when it's you, you know? Yeah, but Carnegie Hall's almost, like, all bullshit aside, it's almost like,

the pinnacle. I mean, you can play stadiums. I don't know what that means. Yeah, sure. But I don't think, I think Carnegie Hall is like literally, literally, there's a joke or there's a saying, how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, true. I mean, look at that. Look at that. Look at that. That's where the, the biggest performance in the world performed. That is fucking beautiful. Look at that. Oh, that's, that's, you don't know anything about history, but that was built, not last year, you know that. That was built a while ago. Yeah, 2007 or something? No, no. No, find out when Carnegie Hall was. was built it's an unbelievable that it's literally like i i think that's i would say that's probably

the most famous theater right 100% yeah i think so yeah i mean that's you don't get bigger than that what do you do you find yourself like saying i think i'm just gonna um like do you ever feel like like 1941 43 do you ever feel like you just want to um do stand up sometimes and not do anything else i mean look it's like well how many specials have you done two this is my third okay so and did you do it yet No, I'm doing it. Oh, in Chicago, right? July 20th, yeah. Oh, fuck, I want to go, actually.

Yeah, you should. July 20th? Yeah. I wonder if I can. It's just the thing that you're in control of. Like, I mean, you know, I guess you want to keep, like, growing or whatever that means and talking about other things in your life. And, you know, you live life and then document it by doing a special. Right.

That's exactly right. It's like a diary. Yeah, I suppose. But like, so, but it's also the only thing you're in control of. Like, in Hollywood. like you get gigs and and you and you and you do them but as an actor you have no control over it none unless you're creating your own show but then even still it's such a collaborative thing yeah yeah it's a collaborative thing which which is fun in its own way yeah but it's it's not the

but you're you're going to find that your expression is watered down right one way or another plus even even even besides the fact that it's a collaborative effort then you get the network involved yeah and they have their own thing that they want to do and they give you notes and it's just it's I like doing that as well, but for a different reason. But stand up just seems like the thing that you're always in control of and can do it. Yeah, you can do it whenever you, you know. I mean, I'm doing this tour now and it's like, it's my livelihood. And I don't have to say yes to shows I don't want to do it.

And also, I feel like it's the last place where you can actually still speak your mind. Yeah. And that's amazing. And even that's fucking tough now. But yeah, I mean, I still do it. And we still do it. Do you get any backlash? No, I don't.

I mean, online. sometimes like, oh, you shouldn't have talked about this, you shouldn't have talked about that, but it's like, I don't care about that, you know? It's like that, I mean, people were getting that fucking Chappelle on his last special about saying things that, it's like, if you're, they're just so, they're so dumb. Yeah, it's the liberals, though, you know, it's the hard liberals that are just like, you can't say this, you can't say that. But I don't, you know, I get why comedians don't want to do colleges, but I'll, I'll,

I'll do them as long as, did I tell you, I did a corporate game with these lawyers and a woman came up. Oh, yeah. She goes... Did you talk about this on the show yet? A little bit, but this woman came up. She was a this big time lawyer and she goes, you were really offensive. And I had to be up there for,

I had to give awards. I don't know why I did this. I'm probably not going to do corporate gigs ever again. I mean, it's good money. It's crazy money, but I just don't find them comfortable. They're not comfortable, because I think I'm lying. Because I think I feel like a liar.

I think I feel like I'm doing it only for the dollar bill. Yeah. And I'm in some weird auditorium and it's not built for stand-up and they're all looking up. And they're all that dinner tables. I don't, I'm not, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do it.

Yeah, you don't want to do it, but who you're kidding? You say yes for a dollar. But yeah, but, yeah, but anyway, but yeah. Well, that's the problem is they pay you a lot, but I don't think I want. If I wanted to make money that way, I would work for a corporation. Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with that. But the woman goes, you were really offensive. I go, really, what part?

She goes, the whole thing. And our friend goes, you have a long way to go. To you? Yep. And I went, thank you very much. On stage into the microphone? Yeah. Yeah, stuff that kills, usually.

But I, but again, I was like, there were lawyers. they were all partners and it was a weird environment and you just come in and start doing stand-up and they were like this is uncomfortable because he's not being very politically correct or safe you have a long way to go yeah it was incredible i actually couldn't believe it and and she said this in front of everybody and everyone heard she said in front of her whole her whole uh like her i think it was seven of them came up to you know what what a hero she is well that's the thing you know what i mean and i said i after after after an hour i came back up on stage and i said I kind of addressed what she had said and then in front of everybody.

And I kind of like said, if you, if you think that I'm, you know, essentially don't know why that's offensive. And I was just doing, I was setting you up for the joke. Right, right, right. And it wasn't offensive anyway. I go. Of course. I mean, they actually came back around. Yeah.

Because I was like, do you do? Like, what are you doing? And also it was just weird. She was part of this professionally offended. You should have just said, thank you for your. money. Yeah, I did. Yeah. I did. I said, thank you. I said, I got scolded and I pointed over there. It bothered me. It really made me. It made me angry and I don't get angry. It made me angry and embarrassed. But you know what it is, though? It's like, it's not even the fact

that it offends you. It, because it's not that. It's the audacity somebody has to just say that. I know. It's like, it's not, it's not like, because you know you're funny, dude. And you know that person is just a boring piece of shit to be honest um although although there is this like when i got up on stage in canada for just for laps and uh verne cox who's a transgender actress on um orange is the new black she was hosting it so the crowd was pretty and it's canada very liberal when i got up on stage at first it was interesting because there was a i felt there was a very very politically correct crowd anyway i got him i got and i did well right but a lot of people came went to me after me like that was so amazing we thought you were going to be this frat boy and then you

totally fooled us but that's what happens so they have an image of you because you got a forward tilt you're a dude and they're expecting you to talk about chicks and yeah but i'm not and it was it was i feel it too dude yeah you do rooms that are like the off rooms or like the fucking you know all comedy rooms oh yeah you do those and it's like first of all there are and and and and and and And, dude, like, there are some hilarious alt-cons. Oh, yeah. Like, absolutely hilarious. But sometimes I go in those rooms, man, and I swear to God, most of them, most of the people there are laughing because they're like, yeah.

Well, it's, you're drowning in irony. They're drowning in irony. It's so not funny that it's funny. It's like when you watch, have you ever gone to an, me and Dub Davidoff went to a fucking modern art, these modern art galleries in Chelsea? in New York, oh my God. Yeah. They had a sign. It said jungle, jungle, jungle.

It was a neon sign. It was $350,000. Yeah, I know. Then there's string hanging from a ceiling. Just string. That would cost you $100,000. Yeah, I know. I'm made by a certain, a certain asshole calls himself an artist.

It's weird. There's a boulder in the middle of, a boulder is $300,000. Yeah, the colored rock shit. You see the rock, the rock on the car, dented. shit that even that takes effort but everything else i know i know there's shit that there's no effort pull up modern art infuriating it's ridiculous i mean dude some of it is so annoying infuriating um yeah i i some of it's awesome i mean some of it's great like like like this shit is no that's van go right there you don't even know that is but uh no yeah i do not really no but bring up a stupid modern art

or something like that it's so annoying stupid but expensive modern art yeah there you go that those are Go to that. Go to the first one. That's just a white canvas. Oh, cool. That's terrible. That's a white canvas. And it's like they're like, oh, but we're saying, you know.

No, you're part of a club. Yeah, but it's like, oh, but art is not. It's like, dude, don't make a statement that hard. Don't try that hard to make a goddamn statement. You're part of a group that, that, that, that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yep, yep, yep. For white pounds. For white pounds.

For that, $43 million for that blue bullshit. $43 million. Imagine. Because the guy died. There's a line through it. But he was like. first to do it. No, that's two separate pieces, dude. We went to a modern and this woman was looking at it and I go, it was, it was, it was, it was logs. And then it was, um, this, this weird, like a plastic

thing on the ground. I go, what is that? He goes, well, whoever thought of taking the sculptor and off the, the, the, the, the mount. I was like, and Dove David Gov goes, well, I could tell a joke that falls flat over and over again. And just because I put it in a large room with a skylight doesn't mean it's good. Look at that. There you go. Fifty thousand. That? That. This is a messy bedroom. That's $50,000?

$150,000. Wow. I'd beat the shit out of, how about I beat the shit out of the guy who made that? And anybody who buys it, and then we put them on the bed. Yeah. We soak the bed with their blood. Oh, there's that guy who does those fucking, the balloon animal thing right there. What's that guy's name?

He's like the guy, whoever did that, I think. At least that's kind of like, well, yeah. That would work in your house. It takes something. Yeah, I mean. To make that. But still this guy, no, but the shit that it's like millions and millions and millions of dollars this piece. But see, he's, he's smart because he's a con man.

Yeah, he's a con man. And people who buy it are morons. What are these people? Are they demonstrating against it? No, those probably are fans. But I forget what the guy's name is, but he was really big in the fucking, a few years ago. And I don't know if he's still super big. But I mean, the guy sells shit for like $40 million.

Crazy. Yeah. David Cho is good though He's a different kind of guy He did the art for He's a guy who did the art for Facebook Before it was Facebook And got shares in the company

The art for Facebook Yeah on their mural on their like building Or their wall in the office They offered him 30,000 for it Or do you want stock? No And he took stock Yeah he took stock

Good job David Joe Wow If you had I think if I had that much money though I don't know Well I definitely do stand up still But I think I'd be I'd have you killed

I would Well I'd have you banned For no reason And then I'd re Jeff Coons That's what it is Jeff Coons Yeah Coons is famous

Oh shut up You didn't know You didn't know No I know David Coons is Jeff Coons is Jeff Coons is a famous Pop Artist He's called a pop artist

Um But that's Just so weird Huh How weird is art It's like I get the abstractness Of it

And like how it can be beautiful but it's like once you start veering away from an art shouldn't just be what's realistic right but like obviously it's easy to tell something is super good if it's painted super realistically because you're like oh okay wow you imitated how fucking real life is but then when you start getting off into the like you know well jackson pollock is just like okay and there's rhythms and shit and you know art to it and uh is your dad and uh brother into art no not not not not painting and shit not sculpture or not It's a whole different thing. That guy, that Jackson Pollock was, was a legit, there's a, there's a method to that madness. I don't know what it is, but there's, I don't know what it is either, but. I mean. Or maybe not, you know.

But see, there's, you know, at least it's something, you know, it's like. Yeah. There's stuff in there. And then his wife started doing, started painting. She's good, too. Is she? His wife's very good, yeah. Guy doesn't fucking know a dick.

Do you have any art on your walls? No, I paint. I'm a painter. What do you paint, dude? Be careful. Honestly, bring up one painting right now on the internet. Phallic pieces. You too?

Yep, cocks. Oh, God. Yep, I paint cocks. I love painting cocks. Why? Really little, little cocks all over the way. Oh, God. There's nothing.

Not big ones at all. You don't paint actual cocks. You don't paint on-cox. No, no, I would never paint an actual. Have you ever had a cock, another person's cock in your hand? No, dude. Never in your life. No, never in my life.

You never had a cock, a hard cock in your hand. No. Have you? No. Oh, God. You have? It's okay. No.

What color was it? Um, it was dark as night. But I remember, um, my friend in college said, um, I don't know. You ever see a cock, like a hard cock and you just want to grab it? No. I swear to God. And I was like, you're gay. Yeah.

And what do you say? No, I haven't. And what did he say? And then my acting teacher one time was like, you guys, you straight guys, even you straight guys, you know, in college when you suck each other all, you know. And I go, and nobody's saying, I go, I don't do that. I never did that. I never had an urge to do that.

And he goes, and he goes, yeah, sure, right. And he moved on with the conversation. I looked at my friends like, I fucking, do you do that? My buddy's like, I don't do that shit, I don't know. I got a buddy comedian, gay comedian, Thomas Dale. You know, Thomas? No. He's always like, yeah, everybody, everybody.

You can get anybody. You can get any straight guy to fuck. No. Or suck. No, you can't. I'm like, I don't think so, man. I don't think so, dude. And he's like.

Unless you look like a gal. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a good guy. Oh, he's so. That guy is so funny, man. He is, right? Yes. Yeah.

He is so funny. Yeah. Look. Yeah, he's very funny. Thomas Dale. Love that guy. Yeah, no. I mean, he's a good-looking guy.

Yeah. Tom Cruise, when I met him, I've met a lot of stars, stars. Okay, man. And I was talking to him for an hour and a half, and I wanted to be his friend because I was so star-struck. Of course. Because I had done a reading with him before that, and he was like, you're the best. And I remember, well, he's really nice to me. And I remember thinking to myself, like, if I was, if he wanted to make out with me, it would be, I'm so starstruck that I'd have to like, I'd be like, oh, I have a stomach egg and I have to run away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'd be, if I was even a little bit, if I was one percent more gay, I would do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's how badly I wanted to be his friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's not being gay. That's just you being like a fucking starstruck guy. Starfucker. Star, you're a star fucker.

Everybody's a star fucker, depending on the star. Who have you met that? I suppose so, yeah What famous person have you met That's like, holy shit The guys that I have met That where I was like, wow, were Keanu Reeves You know, I love Keanu Reeves

And probably Vince Vaughn Oh yeah I'm a huge Vinci. He's a great guy Yeah I like him I want to get on the podcast Oh well when I was a kid

Jim Carrey Yeah I was I was 14 You met him? Yeah I remember I didn't watch my hand For a few days

No How funny is that No Yep. And then when I went to Montreal last year and Jim was on my flight for the I'm dying up here thing that he was promoting. And I, but I didn't know. And then I hear, hey, Chris. And I look up and Jim Carrey. Yeah. No. And I was like, oh, hey, what's up? Like, I mean, apparently he knew I was because I'm a comedian, I guess. But like, I was like, oh, hey, man, how's it going? And he's like, how are you? And I was like, good. And he was like, no, really, though. How are you? And I was like, well i'll let you know by the end of the flight i guess and he was like ha ha well good seeing you and i was like okay cool and i was like jesus christ i just have a fucking conversation with jim carrie and he knows who i am do you know what i mean that's amazing and uh and then uh and then uh and then we and then uh and then we had and then uh no i think he had just shaved it was like right

and then um and then yeah he just he had just shaved because he was promoting the show and then we got off the plane and we got off the plane we were walking through customs and shit talking to each other we're talking about Trump actually he he um he does art now yeah he's a he's I think he's a bit manic or he's bipolar or he he he I think he just deals with depression or maybe he just got so famous he was like oh whatever but talk about so good but talk about like he's so talented dude oh yeah I mean like his art is I mean good it's really good yeah man he's and and he's he's no joke man I know it's crazy how he's a joke joke he's a real artist I guess lack of a better word yeah the only thing is that that sometimes people like that

get away from what they are so good at sure and and and then they feel like what they do because in a way they've mastered it or yeah yeah well look at uh yeah which is why a lot of guys don't do stand-up anymore like Steve uh Steve Martin yeah I think ultimately that might be a mistake it would be for me only because only because I would I would have to fill the voice I'd have to turn on stand-up in one way or another. Like I already have a love-hate relationship with success and everything. So it would be bad for me.

Look at that. That's good. Is that him? Did he paint that? Or is that just somebody painted him, though? I don't know. Someone painted him. Yeah.

This is artist Fabian Corrine. You know, he's okay. He's not a great artist, but he's okay. I mean, his stuff is, but it's its own style. It's like you don't see shit like it. And it's good. It takes talent. I mean, like, I don't think I could do that.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I think he's good. I think he's one of those guys that just can figure out how to do the thing. Yeah. Like Rogan is that way, Joe Rogan.

Like whatever he does, he'll do it. He obsesses. Yeah. He won't play golf because of that. I said stay away from golf because you'll go crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way he is with archery, like he'll lose his fucking mind with golf. Those guys, people like that are a special kind of person.

I know. They obsess. Me, I'm not like that. I mean, I obsess, but about, like, two or three things. Yeah, me too. Like, stand-up, I'm uncompromising about it. Right, right. But everything else.

And you wouldn't know that watching your act, but it's crazy, right? That's an underhanded. You are, though. No, not. Not. Great. Yeah, at what? At practicing.

Hand up. Oh. No. You're great at practice. No. My tennis and boxing is no, Joe. Yeah, first of all. Well, my hands are heavy and fast.

You know that. You know what it is. though comes from my legs something that you're not going to experience by the way my legs are just as strong as yours no that's not true and my legs if you look at like my ass and the way

my ass it talks into my lower back and then my back goes boom out I have a good butt dude you don't have I do have a good butt that's not true it's true you have a bad lower body who cares now what don't do that dude I can't believe I'm fucking still sick with it

You suffer from allergies. That's all it is, dude. That's what I thought. You have a weakness. That's because you're L.A. born and raised. No, I'm not born, I'm not L.A. born and raised, dude. You live on fucking white bread and mustard.

I'm from fucking New Jersey. You understand me? What do you eat now? Hey, you did you change your diet a little bit? Obviously, look at my fucking physique, dude. No. I'm, dude, I'm, you know what? I'm shredded.

You're not. I'm fucking shredded. What do you? It's ridiculous. No. Are you lifting? I'm doing a lot of course shit I'm doing a lot of fucking

I'm doing a lot of what do you call it You got a trainer Come over your house I used to Now I took all this stuff I fucking make it I made it my own dude

I do a lot of circuit training Yeah I do What gym crunch? Like I'm gonna say Like I need to sign some fucking autographs Is that my workout? Come on man

Damn it No but I do I go to the gym And I fucking I do a lot of like circuit training and shit I do a lot of box jumps I do a lot of fucking kettlebells I fucking kill it

I love it dude No. I love it. I love it. No. You're not like a workout. Oh, I'm not. No.

Oh, I'm not. No. Oh, yeah, right. Dude, on my membership, it says, what the fuck, it's him? That's my, yeah, that's my membership part. No, that's not true. That's not true, man. Let me see what time it is.

Okay, cool. That's a good thing to do on this podcast. Hey, guys, welcome to this segment. Let's see what time it is. We've been doing this for 44 minutes. So when you come, when you're on the show, when you're on our show, but Brendan is hosting it, right? Yeah.

When you're doing our show, but Brendan is a guest host. What do you guys talk about? What do you guys talk about if you don't have a fucking star-studded guest, which obviously is what has helped you guys? And with that being said, e-w-well. No, no. I never thank you for that. I know.

We talk about life. We talk about shit that doesn't have to do with us. No, you talk about. We expand our horizons. You talk about fighting, and then you bring up a boring-ass book you're trying to read. We talk about, yeah, we talk about reading and sport and politics. Oh, my God, dude. And things that matter in the world.

Not about, not about just killing it. Let me tell you something. You guys want to talk about something. You guys want to fucking get away from all this bullshit. You come on down to congratulations with Christa. No, no. What was your morning? You woke up at what time?

I actually woke up at 8.30, dude. And did what? I went and I had a meeting. When did, and then what did you have for breakfast and what did you have? Eggs. Just eggs. Eggs with some basil and tomatoes in it. Not bad.

Killing it. Okay. And then, and coffee? And I had two iced Americanos and then I got another ice to American. Oh yeah, dude. So you know why? You go coffee all day. I go coffee all day.

Shots. You know that song. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Yeah. That's about me and my fucking espresso. So how many espresso do you have a day? Well, okay, I guess there's two in Americanos, two or three, so, uh, seven. Seven.

What do you have for lunch typically? Same thing, I'm sure. No, I have, uh, like maybe tuna or, uh, yeah, or like a rice bowl maybe. Yep. Brown rice. Killing it. Yeah. Um, you know, something like that.

And then I know what you have late night. Late night, I go to that place with your friends. I go ham. You go to that place to that place with my friends. And I get. Every night. A lot, not every night, but I get a chicken sandwich and fucking fries. That's when I party.

That's when I fucking party, dude. A chicken sandwich and fries. Yeah, or I get a breakfast sandwich and I fucking party. You know what I envy about you? What? You don't really bother yourself with the issues of the world. I think about it, dude. I mean, what can you do?

What can you do? I definitely, you know, I was sick about the other. day like for real like being actually real like you know with the stuff that's going on with the kids and all that and how they're being ripped from their families and shit yeah like I don't want that to happen right every part of me doesn't want that to happen right and then beyond that what do you do what do yeah that that see that that that that that that feeling of not being able to do anything as an individual is very real yeah I mean I but but what you can do is understand understand how that happened.

Sure, and vote. Yeah, or just understand how and why it happened. Right, but then. How it can happen again. And then you can kind of, you can make enough noise to it. Sure. Put it, but I know, I understand. It's like, it's like, and then people, and then things go up on Instagram where it's like,

call this number, leave a message and say the yada, yada, yada. And you're like, okay, but is this bullshit? But the problem with apathy and in that is that it's almost like, why should I follow the rules? well because the social contract because it simplifies things because human beings are very complicated right so that's why you that's why you follow the rules

that's why we have rules yeah and so in a way you know it's kind of like the same reason you don't litter even though if I throw a piece of paper out the window is it really going to make a difference in the big scheme of things from when you're flying over LA no right but it makes a difference because it's it's it makes a difference

it's a mindset it's a mindset it's just a mindset that is infectious yeah but it makes a difference a small way like if you open for me nobody's there for you right who the audience yeah right so nobody's there for you no i don't open for you right but if you did though you open nobody would be people would be like even if people were like oh yeah that guy was funny as soon as i got on stage people be like who was that i'm gonna sell out in portland this weekend by the way tomorrow helium then two shows friday two shows saturday at helium in portland get your tickets now because christalia is there's a good chance and there's a rumor but it's a strong one that chrys leah is going to no dude i'm not doing

that and i'll tell you this you're going to be there no i won't and i'll tell you this much and if you're a fan of me and you're in the portland area don't go hey that's what i want hey man pick it and here's the other thing too if you're a real fan fly on over to fucking tulsar or midwest city in oklahoma and fucking come on to my show but he's going to go to oklahoma yeah right dude that's where i am that's what i'm going to be this weekend and then oklahoma what club casino dude did you just said club? All right, dude. Are you at a theater?

No. No. Couldn't be, could I? You better watch your shit, man. No, I'm doing a theater, Toria, except for I'm in Houston next month and I will be doing the club. The Houston Improv?

Yeah, I haven't done it in a while. I like Houston. I like Houston. You do? Yeah, I know. Everyone's like... In the summer? Fuck it, bro.

I like being hot as shit. People are like, you live in L.A.? What about? seasons. I'm like, oh, you mean just it has the best season all year round? Yeah, just because it's 75 and breezy all the time. Then I shit and I try to put it on their face it before I run away.

Don't. You shit in your hand and throw it out of baboon style. I'm just disrespectful dude. You're super disrespectful, but I'm real smart. We can both agree on that, right? I don't know if that's true. I want to live a life of play, dude. You don't read anything. I do read. I do read. I

articles and I also read some books. What do you read? Give me a book you've read. Okay, the client with John Grisham. Now, I happen to know for a fact. I asked you that question. I asked you what you read 10 years ago and you go, the client. God damn it.

I say to Chris, I go, you've got to read. He goes, I know, dude, but it's so hard. Oh, no. No, you need, I want you to read some books. I do. No, life is not just about crushing and comedy. No, I know, but John Gersham is good writer. Yeah, I know, dude, but can we move on?

You look, you're so dumb. Your mouth is open. No, I do read. I just don't like to talk about that. Because then I start to, I fucking start to sound like, I know more shit. I don't like that. I don't like people, be like, oh, you're smart. Like you, you're always trying to fucking, you know what I mean?

Like showcase how fucking smart and what we are. Don't like push the air in front of you like that. That's so. I was trying to showcase how a fucking smart and worldly are. Chris will send me a, like, a video sometimes. I'll just get a video of his hand, like in a, like all his fingers pushed together and his thumb rubbing, his fingers going, well, that's so, like, I would beat you up if I was near you. You know what?

Because you're my young. I'm your young. Yeah. Chris is so disrespectful to everybody, including his friends. His friends there, he introduced them like this. He goes, hey, these are my sidekicks. The guy's in the movie with five lines. Hey, sidekicks, whatever your names are.

Say hi. These guys, they're in movies. Hey, all you guys in a movie with five lines. Dude, you know what's, what's, what, maybe one of the funniest things you ever did was when you were at the comedy store and you fucking rolled up. And I mean, this was years ago. But there were like, I guess they were like, I don't know if they were all girls. It might have been some guys. But you showed up.

And we were all, everyone was talking. There were like a few of us talking. and you just grabbed like these guys and girls like not grabbed them but you put your arms around them like they were like they were asking for a picture but they weren't you're like yeah yeah go take it like that's how you entered the fucking room oh my god I think about that all the time I love that shit I love stupid I love doing that like just assuming that you're the man it's so funny dude just come in and go thank you that's one of the reasons we get along so much Oh, it's the best.

It's the best to do that to basically... I think my favorite thing about life is to just make a mockery of the insanity because it's a circus. And that's the thing. It's like nobody's really doing anything. That now, especially now, it's like the internet. It's like everyone just talk, talk, talk, talk.

Yeah. Fuck you. I just want to be... I want to escape, dude. You know, I do this, you know, my other podcast, which is not called The Brian Callen Show. We have fun, really smart people, but my buddy Hunter was like,

we have to be careful that like when we're talking about problems it just becomes about smart talk and nothing what does it look like in the real world like i'll talk to really smart academics who write books and they have these ideas and stuff and i'm like okay good what's that look like in the real world like can i can i implement that and and are we solving a problem that's actually tangible and measurable or are we just well i'll tell you what having a conversation well i'll tell you what you're not well you know what i mean because you're just some guy with a podcast but i will tell you this much don't have a friend named hunter and why would we do that because now that is a noun that is not necessarily a name right that would be if my name was video game player that would be like my name is

i want you to call hunter from now on i want you to call him video game player do you want to know his last name is what mott's mott's okay i'm out of here Well, it's Dutch. He's a giant Dutchman. Yeah, well, he better be a giant Dutchman. Because I'll tell you what, with the name like Hunter Mott's, you're going to need to defend yourself. Yeah, no, he's, his brain is huge, but he can't, he's not a fighter. I challenge him.

No, no, yeah. Well, you guys fighting would be interesting because it would look like, it would almost look like if you took, if you took two dudes. Yeah. And you put them in a large, I'm just not trying to be, but I'm just saying. All right. If you took two guys, two big kind of doughy guys. No, I'm not doughy, dude. You're doughy.

I'm taught. You're not that taught. You're taught with a layer of bumpy dough over it. Dude, I'm taught. Yeah, with no legs. Now, listen, if you took, you two doggie guys. I got tear drop. I got tear drop.

The tear dropped. I don't know about that. Anyway, go ahead, striations for days. And then the fight would look like if you put you guys together in a large cage, a large, large metal box. And then you had cameras on the middle inside the metal box. and then you rattled the metal box back and forth so you guys were falling into each other like ah ha ha ha and trying not to fall into each other

that's what that's what it would look like if you guys fought what the fuck dude you i've trained for fucking six years dude and you would still bat the air in my direction that's not cool dude you'd bat the air if i grabbed the hold you yeah you have a tough time no you have a tough time no if this guy if this boy from jersey grabbed the hold you You're not from Jersey. I am from Jersey.

You're coddled meat from Pasadena. I'm not from Pasadena. I'm not from Pasadena. I moved out here when I was 12 from the fucking rough streets of Jersey. No, no. You lived. I coined the term dirty Jersey. You grew up in Pasadena in mansion.

That's not true. La Cagnada, first of all. Okay. Well, your mom put jelly in your mouth every morning and sent you off with a pat on the ass in your lunch bale. That's crate him. This is what Brendan and Chin are into Kratum, which is actually an addictive drug. Brendan's not into it anymore.

Well, don't do it. He got vertigo from it. So he found out that that's the reason why he had vertigo. Really? Yeah, some of the fans stay away from it. He said that? Yeah. I wonder if it's true, though.

Or at least he knows that that's what caused it. Because when he was off of it, he said that's when it disappeared. Whoa. Almost immediately. Wow. It's so cool to be into things every now and then. You don't do any drugs. Terry, what's he doing here?

No. There's your surprise. There's your surprise. No. What's that? There's your surprise. No. I do you.

I don't agree to it. I don't agree to it. Will Sassau. I don't agree to it. Will Sassau. Will Sassau. What? What?

Dude, hey. Say, Sassau. What the fuck? Hey, we got you, man. Come in here, man. All right. We got you. Don't mind me, man.

I'm just checking in on friends. Are they rebooting punked? Nah. Is this punk? Yeah. Hey, hey, look, Will's got a fucking three-gallon jug of war. Oh, no. And it's making me mad.

You know, I'm just here to hang out. Don't mind me. Do your interview, guys. I don't know, because when you say that, you end up. What's up, man? See? There it is. But you got to admit, we fucking got you, right, Chris?

Yeah, I didn't know you were coming. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't know you were coming. so let's regroup here but pretty good you got to admit right sure it's pretty good I don't mean to like get in on your

no it's okay we were talking about a fucking thing no we were having a good fucking time a little bit of escapeisms dude I don't like to fucking talk about that shit but Brian didn't drink his fucking bullet he got me that

he got him a beautiful because he's a sweet tart tart and ass that's why you're not going to drink this no no because I have psorias it's beautiful what is this going to give me it's a simply strawberry

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Will like, Will suck that whole thing down. You like straw. Fight it, Will. I know he was joking around with you, but I'll have a few more. Yeah, take, take, take, take, take the whole thing. Take a sit.

You're a pusher, dude. He shouldn't be doing that. No. No, Will, well, well, well, well, what? Well, well, well, what? Oh, it's like the strawberries is sweeter than in nature because of the sugar. Right. That's why I like it, I think.

I just think that's the idea, right? That's Starbucks. Fuck, man. Dude, we got you, dude. Yeah. All right. Hey, Will, what do you have been up to? Don't worry about me.

Fucking interview Chris. Well, I've been doing that on board. Hey, have you interviewed each other enough on podcast? I asked him, you don't know him yet. I asked him for the sound effect for how he's doing, like, his life. Yeah. And he did a similar thing that you do where he went,

oh, really? Well, I like to go. Well, Great Minds thinks likes, right? Well, what's a sound effect for your life? What's a sound effect for your life? bro. Mine is usually, it's like,

like, like that's a like a like a like that's a like in 1940s? Yeah. I know that the audience

can't see it from the back but it's more impressive from the back okay. Oh wow. Here comes a basketball.

There's no the fastest ball in the west. Okay. That's the bat. Right. And Japanese nation.

Yeah, Jipatimation. Oh, wow And then It's not that hot Oh, that's The people talking The ball's still gone

Bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo Oh It's a satellite It's a baseball dude Now it's a fireball Whoa If you can't The sun is 93 miles

A million miles away Yeah yeah yeah yeah Oh, it blew up the sun. And people can't get up. Like in Terminator 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's her face? Linda Hamble can do that.

Yeah. The guy who's going to catch the ball. Oh, wow. That's your sound effect? Yep. That's an amazing. He's hitting it out of the park. I hit it right out of the park.

That was very visual. So far that it went to the sun. Audible it was. Hey man, what are these? Drugs? No, no,

no, no, no. What the fuck is that? Those are you. There's dumb. What it is is, honestly, oh yeah.

Brendan and Brian are dumb. Right? Right? So, so they're technically dumb, right? So what they do is...

What would that entail if you're dumb? So what they do is a guy, yeah, some guy, just anyone, let's say. We'll be like, hey, there's a new thing, let's say. Um, ingest it. Right. And it's good for your health. And so they go, nah, never mind, man, who cares? See, no, exactly. Well, that's, no, that's what I'm just, yeah. What the fuck? Let's do a little improv. I'll be the guy you be

you. Okay, I'll be me. Okay. So this is what normally, okay. Hey, man. Who are you, sir? Sorry, I'm just some guy, but check it out. There's a new thing and it's out and you should ingest it. Oh, no, thanks. Go fuck yourself. Okay. All right, yeah. So that's how it goes when... Right.

Now, now I'll do Brian. Okay. Or Brandon. Okay. So now you're the guy. So this will be the... Hey, man, what's up? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm just some... I'm good, man. How are you doing? Are you just... No, I'm a guy. You're just some guy. I am some guy.

Yeah, because I don't think I've ever seen you before. No, you wouldn't have. I'm just some guy. So there's a new thing. You should get it and you should ingest it. Give me all of it. Okay. Can you talk about it on your podcast?

A hundred percent. And I hope it makes you do well and makes you money. And I will be your test subject. Yeah. Okay. And now, and put you four months later, I have psoriasis. These are what gave you sarahs. So fucking loophily.

So when he says, when the guy says, hey, have that and watch it down with that and get psoriasis. That's it's over a simplification. Is it though? We're so loud That we're getting banged What is this, Theo? What's that?

I mean, it's Theo. Oh, yeah, it is Theo, yeah. Fuck. Who's Theo? I don't know who Theo is. I've never met Theo. Theo Vaughan? V-A-U-G-H-H-Ed?

Because that's how you spelled out. The great Theo Vaughn, you bastard. We just got Theo mad. Wait, he's in the next studio? Yeah, he's doing his podcast. Oh, well. And we're drowning him out. Yeah, you know what we're drowning him out?

drown them out with, too. No. And then the ball... Chris has a... Chris has veins in his head. And you know what that means? I can always see a vein. Vascular.

It means that something's going to pop and you're going to die. Well, we all are one day. And you know what? Death is, to quote, the great, whatever rapper said this, but... Santini. Nope. Death is just the moment that dying ends. Well, I hate that.

Fuck. That's a great rapper said that. You're going to die. You can't remember. His name escapes me right now. Tone Loke. No, it wasn't Tone Loke. Tone Loke.

Tone Loke. Kind of did more like funky. Comedita or whatever. You gotta get the... He makes people ingest this end, you get horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's a good tone look. Yeah, I've been working on some of my...

You've been working on tone loke for a while now. 26 years. You do, you do impressions. Oh, man, I do so many impressions. You're ready to hear some tone loke? Sure. Well, that's wild thing. That's good.

You know what I like how, what you captured is how insecure tone loke is. Yeah, yeah. Funky, cold, you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, yeah, in the middle of it. It's really good. He's one of the most insecure rappers. Yeah.

Thanks for the memory. Well, what are you doing back in L.A., Jack? Don't worry about me, man. You guys fucking do your thing. Hey, I get the... I saw Chris in apparently your hometown, you know? Chris and I fucking lit it up. Yeah, we did.

In New York. New York. New York. Big city of dreams. That's right. Oh. I get this from Will as I'm... I mean, I just get this.

Hey, let's slow it down and read some tasks. Yeah, dude. we don't need scroll way back the three of us can't have a conversation I get this I get oh good no no no way suck me off and then I get I just land in L.A

I'm too tired to say it in Italian say something I don't like I'll slap you around nice yeah see that was the New York feeling that I had when I landed you're not a New York bro dude I was in New Jersey in New York Chris doing a movie yeah I was doing a movie

Chris Chris was in town we hung out we went we fucking we did it we ate steak We lit it up We lit it up We were a pasta Yeah we have pasta We stopped by

Got a car We got a canoli Do we lit it up We went to that clear Staircase In Times Square We took some pictures So get it

Right We got a picture With Iron Man Yeah Go fuck yourself A fucking smelly iron man Who's coming A part of the seams

Took a picture A fuck a portly iron man And also Fucking Wario There was a big wario We took a picture with yellow Mario.

Yeah, it was a big wario. A big fucking wario. Yeah, Puerto Rican gentleman who was, had a wario. Rotund wario. Who are you playing in this movie? Some guy? No, I'm not playing some guy.

Oh, maybe if he is playing some guy, you could give him something to ingest. No, come on. Now, dude, I have a question for you, Brian. Yeah, what? And do you want to hear the specials here? Or did you just feel like getting a good old-fashioned grand slam?

Because that's what you got, dude. That's what you got right there. Dude, you did get served up a fucking slam. You got served on piping hot, all-American fucking slam. Man, you're crazy. You need an ass whooping. I'll tell you this much. I took a shit 25 minutes ago.

Yeah. And it's here and I'm not moving. Yep. What? It doesn't smell because I take my met of use. And I don't give a shit, dude. That's how much I don't. Are you at least wearing diapers?

Nope. I'm not even wearing underwear. And I have a hole in my jeans. I can see it right now. Yep. It's steaming up. The only reason it's not slipping over the end of that chair is because he's making an indent. Right?

And he's sitting in there and it's all in his shit. You know what I'm doing? What? Stewn. Why is it, why is it bone white? Did you eat, did you swallow a hamster? No, I, I, I, I, he's shit's white. He's white little crusty, he's like a dog.

A mgoose. Gose. That's what my neck's a long. Yeah. He's going to throw him green when I leave. Your shit is so, it's ivory white, bro. Yep, I shit, ivory white. That's what my snake is, are you ingesting bones?

no you just you you you have you would have a snake for real though I used to I used to have a Burmese Python I did you have a bald guy I was an eccentric kid and I always loved serpents I've always I've always been I'm not saying I've always loved serpents yeah dude how about did you see the guy who was getting choked by the fucking snake because he he he rescued it and then he was trying to take selfies with it no no he was he almost died he was like he was getting so serious it was an in it was like in India or something probably or something but like um yeah it was so it was like he was it was so scary like it was terrifying i tweeted about it if you can't find it that's the guy yeah oh my goodness well that's a that's a that's

that's called a burmese python's obviously in india that's it that's it that's a burmese python and and i believe look at that i'm almost sure that's a burmese python this sounds like something that could happen look at that look at that how terrified would you be at that moment yeah but is there a video of it yeah there i'd fucking shit right there to be brutally honest not me i just put peel you take the tail and you start peeling and you'll be fine. Oh, really? Yeah. Dude, that's crazy.

You're so smart when it comes to... Thank you, man. Thank you. All right. That's a Burmese python. That's what I had. Hey, Brian, shut up. That's exactly what I had.

Why did you have that? Because I... And he got so fucking mean. He was so mean. Answer the question. And he would bite. And I just was into it. Now, they're freaking the snake out

because they're idiots. And see, that snake is getting scared and he's holding the head. Yeah. You don't know that, Brian. I do. I know that. No, you don't know that.

It could just be hungry. amateur herpetologist he's squeezing that head too much now he's shaking the head now it gets crazy now that's his bullshit but wait no it doesn't even get crazy until I think he starts walking away this piece the part but look at the hero that helps him look at that that's cool yeah Brian would be shitting himself in the corner

no it was complete bullshit eating a popsicle that wasn't doing shit to him bro in one second that thing would have fucking wrapped around you're such a pussy I think you've been around snakes I've been to India dude what was India like it was I was dude you're you're a you know

You're a hard-hitting interviewer. You really are. Why don't I interview you guys? Okay. All right. Sure. Hey, what's up? Welcome to Fighter and Kid.

I'm sitting in for Brian and Brendan. Here with me is Brian. But Chris is here also. Okay. Hey, got a lot going on around today. These guys are doing comedy and doing all sorts of stuff in the business and show business at large. Brian, what are these on the table? Fuck that shit.

Chris? You're, um... So, how'd you get started in comedy? Where were you being a fucking smart ass, breaking everyone's balls and shit? No, I mean, you're family and your friends. And then you're like, I'm funny, right? I mean, probably same thing for you, right? Well, no, actually.

All right. Me undies. That's not our sponsor, man. Really? It's not. It's my sponsor. You ain't part of the Mondays family anymore. No, I, look.

You got burlap underwear? What do you got? No, I have... Oh, you can't wear any underwear. I'm wearing me undies right now. No, I don't make fun of me about my surrises. Let's see your dick. Let's see what you're wearing.

Why do you have sarai? Oh, Calvin's. That's great. Yeah, because I used to model for them when I was in the 90s. I got Mondys. I have Mondys. I have Mondays. I got it.

What are you wearing? Don't pull. Oh, God. You would just have another pair of shorts on it. You got some big legs. You would. He's a Kirkland. Don't pull them out that far, dude.

Are those like Costco? Don't yank them out. You're wedging yourself. Your balls are getting all fucking. Hey, dude, all seriousness, you're a big guy with a powerful lower body. When you're going to make love and the girl's like, here comes this big guy. And then you pull out that sad nub. What?

What does the girl go, oh. No, no, no. What happens is, nope. She looks at me and then I get undress and she goes, well, that all makes perfect sense, right? But what she doesn't understand is that it's scaled to me. But then as I get closer, it's like, oh, no, because I'm seven foot five. and 872 pounds. Not that, but yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And then when it gets closer, then it looks like an overstuffed fucking one of those sandwiches on a French bread. Like you'd get from Jersey Mikes? Yeah, the kind of brief. You got a Jersey Mikes? Yeah, I got a Jersey Mikes. So you got extra flaps of skin just kind of hanging up.

Yeah, it looks like you've got a cocked and they make it Mike's way. Yeah, the end of my dick looks like a hamful of bologna. Just fucking different four skin. Because I'm European. Yeah. Oh, I'm European. Yeah, you didn't fucking cut it. You didn't cut it?

No, I got it. I got it. I got it cut more to make it shape like a rose. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I got it all. I got a beautiful. Yeah, I visited. I got body modifications as a baby.

That's problematic, but yeah, I got a piercing that's keeping my balls very small and close together. Do you have pearls under the skin? Yeah, pearls, yeah. Oh, wow, that's beautiful. I feel bad about coming and, you know, saying, like, I feel bad about, like, coming here and then being like, oh, you know. Yeah, that's very you'd actually to think of that. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you do, you do something and then feel bad about it as very you. Well, we like that you're here. We'd rather have you here than not to be brutal. Hey, man, it's awesome. You know, we're making a surprise. Can you believe his face when it happened? Yeah, well.

He was like, what? Yeah. I mean, I was surprised, but I think that. We got you. We were thinking about it. We talked about it. Oh, guess what? What?

Like yesterday. Yeah. We wanted to get you. Well, that's when you would make a bite. I actually didn't even know that you were in town. So double the surprise. Yeah. I flew back into town.

Because you're fucking so New York. Dude, I am so New York. I am so fucking New York. That's not true. Chris, I was in New Jersey and I was making a film, but I was right close to the city. The bad apple, the big city of shoulders, man. And everybody was, and so Chris, I got to visit Chris while he was. in town, and then he went and did the theaters. Does Chris count? How many times he gets recognized?

No, you know what? I can't. It's actually tough. I wear a baseball hat and sunglasses. So nobody, literally, literally people are like, I know I'm from somewhere, but I don't normally see that guy with a hat and sunglasses on, so it can't be him. Yeah. I hear people saying that. Have you ever heard about, have you ever heard about the people living underneath the subway? Yeah. Moal people. Yeah. In New York, there's people in the, in the, in the whole community. Yeah, well, there's different subway tunnels. that the trains don't go down anymore. Yep.

So a lot of people who are homeless have set up these cardboard cities down there. That's what they deserve. And it's pitch black. Dude, hey, it's not what, no, don't, hey, man. Don't derail what was going to be so awesome to do your thing. Go on. I knew that. Yeah, and you knew that.

I knew it. Because I know a lot about comedy. But then, all right, there's Brian that knows. slittling. No, that's not true. But Brian, but when someone's teeing something up, and they fucking take the tea, and it says

anecdote on the tea. Exactly. And then they take a ball, and it says, like, punchline, it also underneath them, parentheses, says, take it or leave it, not a huge deal. Yeah, but, but just here it comes. Yeah, here, and they put it, right, and they put it on top of the tea. And there's a batter. Right, and there's a batter. And the batter's you.

And it batters me, and I come up, and I'm fucking showing my underwear. By the batter's you. Yeah. A very established, comedic actor Thank you very much Chris That is hilarious And a sketch actor I appreciate that

To boot Hey you know what And you'd figure Oh also by the way Hey Known him while Know him a little while Guys this is my

Conversations No this is my show Sitting with a couple of the funniest People on the planet Now he knows you too right The fuck I do know him So now if you were just gonna tell Like a story or something

Yeah maybe he'd say All right I'm gonna sit over here I'm going to have a smoke break. I'm going to let them drive for a little while. Or are you going to come up with something that makes no sense is not relevant? I just said they deserve. Yeah, but you toss it in. You know what you did, dude?

What? You took a fucking bowl of spaghetti and you dumped it out onto that baseball on the tea. Yeah. And the reason why I say that is you might be like, well, that makes no sense. Yeah. That's exactly my point. No. What you do makes no.

sense. Okay, man. You're, this is my show. It doesn't have anything to do with baseball. I have to remind you guys. You took a bowl of pasta. You're interrupting. Put it into the fucking baseball game. No, no, no. And now, as you're explaining it to him, he's saying, no, I understand. And it won't happen again. And he's got a bucket of chocolate ice cream. And he's dumping it onto the pasta and massing it into the plate with his foot. While he's telling you, I know that I drop this bowl of pasta on the ground. But at least maybe we can pick it up. Tell me about the

mold. have some. Okay. All I was going to say was that I went down there and it was very, very dark and I still got recognized. Of course, that didn't happen. Of course, but it's not that big a deal. But you know what?

Had it been in the moment that you were doing it? It could have been amusing. Could have been funny. Not only that could have led to some other stuff. Yeah. Isn't that right? Now. Now, Ken it.

Now, Kenit. Can it now. No, it can't. Can it. So what did we learn, Brian? I don't like that you're putting your hands in your lap. I'm not your fucking student. You guys are my guests.

I'm uncomfortable with the fact that we are sitting here in the T-Fat K studios, the show has been so successful that you know your show's been successful when your logo has been turned into some sort of like bathroom. No, no, no, no, no. It's incredible is what it is. No, no, no, no, no. There's so many incarnations that you do. Now, what I will say is. what if they were very successful this wouldn't be broken but chris that's get a new sign i gotta stick up for brian here that is that is the style

yeah that's not fair dude you're being unfair right now it's broken like all those are not no those are let's like a tile work thing it's a tile work thing yeah yeah no it's not broken but i'll tell you i'll tell you uh if you've got a studio where there's all sorts of there's a really cool like what would this be steampunk this whatever this would be a guy made us that clock a guy sent us that clock. A guy sent you that clock? Yes. All right. Now, I didn't know you knew Gargamel.

Is that Gargamel's clock? It's a little goth, but it's, it's pretty cool. I think I saw, yeah. Oh, bless you. Oh, I am allergic to fucking boring. Isn't that crazy? I saw this clock in a Ramstein video in 1994. But you've got all sorts of cool stuff in here that tells everybody that you guys are established.

And it's a, it's a very successful podcast. And still, you know. know, a little about comedy. All right. That's so crazy. The broken glass collage as my... Hold on. Oh, dude. What the fuck? Was that Brian's career? Sorry, I banged on the wall. Now, Theo Brown is going to think...

You fucking knocked over one of his things. You sit better than that. No, this is better. Look at the way he's sitting right now. Hold on. Look at the way he's fucking sitting. I got to video tape that. You sit, cover your fucking... For real. Fuck it.

Don't sit like that. I gotta sit like that, dude. It's so... That's so... That's so... That's so disrespectful. It's respectful, because I'm being the way you. You've got me and I'm being all as much of me as I can be.

No. Comfort is awesome it up. Zero reason... How about how Brian's videoing this? Yeah. When there's seven cameras in here. That's pretty fucking... Still, I have to do that.

Yeah. All right. Will, how long are you in L.A. for? Who gives a shit, dude? What the fuck, man? Hard hit. You guys both... ask hard-hitting questions.

Let's go to some current events. I want to get their take on the world. Wow. Well, that Trump thing was one of them. He apparently signed, or he's going to sign an executive order that doesn't allow the families to be separated anymore. Well, that's good. They talked about this earlier.

Yeah, I heard about this. Yeah, so that we made that announcement today. That's, yeah, that's really good. It's an old law that should never have been encountered in this way. There's absolutely no excuse for taking children away from parents so let's all shut up about it and make sure it's good now so everyone can shut up about it so that we can have a ground floor that is parents and

children together which we never should have not had unless so that everyone can say hey guess what it's better we know it's better to have the children we know that unless you're in the orphanage business what unless you're in the orphanage business yes it's not it shouldn't be a business But we do have to take no account that the orphanages haven't been... The orphanage business takes a hit when they don't have kids that they can give off. Brian, it's terrible enough. No, no, Brian, listen, it's absolutely heinous to have the children away from the parents to begin with. I agree.

This law should have never been. I agree. It should have never even existed. I hear you. And any time that happens, it's bad. Yes. You want to further the suffering? Well, no.

And keep the orphanages all. Let's keep in mind that orphanages. are taking a hit. That's all I'm saying. Dude, I've been everywhere. I've been everywhere. Not really. No, I've been everywhere.

Hey, dude, give him Jacksonville. What? Kids, Jacksonville. Give them Jacksonville. Give them Jacksonville. Give them Jacksonville. Give them Jacksonville. What I mean?

Give them Jacksonville fucking sucks donkey balls. Jesus, dude. Just fucking let them have it. Hey, man. What the fuck? You've been through Jacksonville a few times I would imagine in your travels doing comedy, right? And dude, I'll tell you one thing, man.

Yeah. It sucks fucking. donkey, man. Yeah, it's not the north or the south. It's like, what the fuck? Get it together. Jacksonville, hey, oh, you got a Whole Foods? Congratulations the fucklations, dude. I'm rolling your eyes and shit. That's terrible. I'm playing Jacksonville.

I'm playing Jacksonville coming up in the fall. Guess what? I know it sucks donkey balls. I'm still going. Jeez. Well, that's really charitable. You can't just do that on stage. They're not going to enjoy that. I will. Oh, fuck, man. At that point, I'll already have their money.

But it's months from now. How are you He's going to do that. I already sold a bunch of things. Oh, geez, dude. Yeah, but let them have Jacksonville. Let them have places, Dayton. Dayton, Ohio? That's a legit town, dude.

Isn't Ohio separated by a river? I don't know. Something like that. Yeah, Ohio River probably. That sounds familiar. Delaware? Give them half of it. Sale that.

Delaware. Delaware is not big enough. Delaware's big enough. You know why? Kids need room. Why? Because what about donkey balls? Thucks them?

What? What about the donkey balls? Jackson. It sucks them? I don't know. Delaware sucks those balls. Nah, they're cool places. I'm kidding.

So that's your answer. We all know I joke. That's your answer? I went to Tampa Bay once and I didn't get near the bay and I could have been anywhere. Yeah. That's my story. I'll be in Tampa. That's a good story.

In July. Thanks for solving this problem. What's our next current event? So the current events are, I don't know why. There's just terrible stories everywhere. So do you guys know a rapper named XXX X, X, 10, Tentacion. Yeah, you do it.

No about this guy. So he was shot and killed while trying to buy a motorcycle. Yesterday, right? Two days ago? Trying to buy a motorcycle? Yeah, he was only 20 years old. You don't know this guy? I don't know him.

I read about this guy. Apparently, all the artists think he's like one of the best talents out there, super inspired by him. It sucks. Yeah. Well, I'm pretty well versed in his music. The guy was a real talent. Oh, really? Like a real, the real deal, real talent.

Yeah. However, he was. And, and like an awful guy. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, like, there have been, like, some exposés on him that is just like his ex-girlfriend. Like, he was very depressed, right? Yeah, he was.

Yeah, he was in, he was just, I mean, you know. Damage. Well, all I'm saying is, like, the whole believe women movement is a great thing. And if you do believe women, then, then this guy was a real awful, awful guy. Yeah, he did some bad, too. So it's, it's a weird thing, you know, to think about because he, the artist separating the artist and what he's done artistically with

well what do you actually that's a good like what do you Brian's seen everyone in Roman Polanski's movies yeah no but I mean for real that's a good example like so if somebody's a ghastly human being but makes incredible art that still means you can enjoy their art right but does he make incredible art or does he just kind of is he just kind of a ghastly human being

who well fart head over here no don't call me fart head and don't dismiss me with your hand like that. Don't whistle in my direction. It's not my sound effect. No. Yeah, it is. But he was, honestly, his music was really fucking good, man.

I know, but. And I'm not, no, look, if all that shit, it sucks, though, he was killed like that. It does suck because you was like, well, I don't want to, then I don't want to support the guy. Oh, no, but also, no, no, no, but he's also 20. He's also fucked up. He's also depressed. It doesn't mean he can't change and all that. It still sucks. That's true. But what, so, do they know anything else? He was buying a motorcycle and the guy shot him? Well, apparently, the guy was shot and robbed because he was posting, you know, a lot of these rappers are like, you know, they're flaunting what they have.

So apparently he was like, I'm going to the motorcycle shop right now to buy a fucking motorcycle with cash. This is what I heard. And he had a Louis Vuitton bag on him and they fucking pulled up on him, robbed him, shot him in his car, and fucking robbed him. Yeah. Okay, see, that's what's up. That is so fucked up. And that sort of, isn't that interesting how social media. Another evil, another direct evil, a direct evil that can come from it.

You can get shot and killed because you're flossing. Well, I know people, yeah. And also, and also the thing, I mean, it's just, it's, it's like that lifestyle, too. Well, it's also, if you're a black male in this country, you're like something like 25 times or some crazy amount more likely to die than, you know, anybody else. But I just, it's like the lifestyle and the, like, yeah. Ryan's fucking stat. Spy-bye murder. But also, I love talking about stats.

Yeah, yeah. Brian was like going with a stat and he's bailed on it. Yeah, but, yeah, 25 times more. I can't run it was. I don't care. But, but it's just, it's just, it's just, I don't know what it's just, I don't know. You know what guys? What?

I like hanging with you guys. Oh, fuck off. I like it. I like it. Fuck off, Will. Two of the funniest guys and that ever was, was, and, uh, I'm having a good time. You're drunk.

God, you're drunk. All right. So next current event with this fucking water-guzzling. Okay, so we talked about the Chris Hardwick story on Monday. And then Brendan mentioned that, I guess his girlfriend did, his ex-girlfriend, did text him a lot before, you know, this story came out. That she wanted to reconcile. Really? So the texts are out now.

And this is basically all her texting. He didn't respond to her at all. This is after they broke, after he broke up with her. oh this was okay hey when can we be able to happen we both handled this poorly possibly myself more so i'm sorry i shouldn't have texted you i think i just got caught up in a wave i hope things are awesome with you seven months after the split wow hmm interesting but now she's now she wrote that thing well that's what i said is i said it's one thing to confront somebody like you know personally but when you go when you go public with that letter you are it's a revenge piece you are trying to hit them where they live

you're actually trying to publicly shame them and ruin their career. That's a fact. And just at least be honest with that. If you want to destroy somebody, that's what you're trying to do. It's not about closure. It's not about you starting your right year. You do that like one-on-one with somebody. When you out somebody in the public square like that, to me, it's not something I respect.

I just don't. And also seven months later, you're still trying to get back together with him. But now what? What about that? Wait, this is seven months after the split. They've been apart for. yeah so what about that now like kim i don't understand and also you were with him for three years i if he was if he was that way where is your role in it don't you have a responsibility

to walk the fuck away and if you didn't shouldn't you say next time i will and that was on me at the end of the day after three years it's interesting right now man it's really interesting i mean it's fucking interesting you can just come out and say here are these bad fucking things that happened and then uh yeah he got dinged by he got i mean that that that But these companies drop you right away. That's problematic. But look, you know,

emotional abuse is a real thing. Of course it is. Of course it is. And I know you know that. But, but, you know, I don't know what to think of this

Chris Hardwick thing. I mean, you usually hear stuff about it. I had no idea that this was, like I never heard anything like this about Chris Hardwick. Yeah. So, and I'm not saying that that means it's not true.

I have no fucking idea. I don't know why a woman would say all this. For me, I think all of us behave in certain ways in relationships. And there are times in those relationships with neither party wants anybody to know about it. Because we don't. I have acted abhorrently with my own wife, the mother of my children, in fights and said shit that I didn't mean. But no one would ever hear that because I've heard you on several occasions now not to make light of the situation. Tell her, let's not talk in public in restaurants.

Because everybody recognizes me. Yeah, you do say that. That's what Brian says. Because we'll be hanging at Brian's house inside the house before a few people go out for dinner. And he'll say, Amanda! Through clenched teeth. Amanda, don't talk to me anything.

Because everybody recognizes me. Also, when she doesn't refer to me as Mr. Callant, it makes me great. And you also have the thing where you say, let's, you tell her, like, do the Japanese. And what you mean is walk 10 feet behind me when I walk. Well, do the Japanese. that that's what you call it you say do the Japanese sweetheart and she stands there as you keep walking now you know it's interesting sometimes you'll go for dinner and then you have your evening constitutional afterwards and sure the men may be walking behind as the women are

forward or vice versa I do that it just means the guys want to catch up right but I know the scenario that Chris is talking about here and because it was a dinner that the four of us attended us three and your wife yes and still she had to do the Japanese. I don't remember that guys. Yep, we were walking through, walking down Abit Kinney. I don't remember this. Where Chris loves to go. He recommended the restaurant. I love. He loves going to restaurants and he loves Venice. This is a lie. Chris, you've never been to a restaurant in Abitney. What restaurant was it? I was some Italian. Dude, it was that one word beautiful. Really nice. Mungia. Yeah, it's like, but I don't speak it.

See, you guys are lying. Yeah. But it was a goddamn line. It was really nice. You had, it was quaint. I had, super quaint. You're trying to assassinate my character. You had the pair with Gorgonzola and lamb Yeah A little dish Therine is a word You know what I just went regular I got the fucking linguina pink sauce

Because you kind of can't beat that You kind of can't fucking beat that You get like a nice vodka sauce You guys are assassinating my character And then afterwards And I had a lovely I had the I had a fennel salad

It was lovely Yeah I had fennel And it was just a little cracked Pippet And then you And then after that I was like you know what I've been hearing about it

I have some mutton I'm gonna have the mutton here I remember you do remember so now you just confirm that it's real so you confirm this trail shop and they have the sides that usually wrap around with a mutton shop and they flay them out

it's the bacon cut and they call them the ears and my wife wasn't permitted to eat right until we were done and then after we finished we were taking a walk to where the cars were

and you said sweetheart you go like this remember and she said you want me to and then you finish her sentence and said, do the Japanese. And then she walked 10 feet behind us for blocks and blocks. I'm old-fashioned.

Yeah, while you talked about stocks and golf and you know what you mentioned? I'm old-fash. You know what you mentioned? Stats. Stats. I mentioned some stats. I'm old-fash. You mentioned inner city stats from Chicago that you started talking about.

Here's some gun violence shit that you have no fucking right. I'm old-fashioned. You don't know anything about it. You've never lived there. And you're chiming in on double-x guy like you fucking know. No, but it's not a double-x guy. And everyone's going to be like, Brian, you don't know shit? You don't know.

And so we don't know yet. What happened? Chris Hardwick? Well, anyway. Yeah, it's going to be good. Listen, here's what we got to do, all right? Here's what we're going to do. We're going to get through this.

No, here's what's up because everyone's like, you know, look, here's, you know, I don't think anybody wants anyone to deal with the likes of, you know, oh, this is old news who gives a shit and been around for a fucking year this whole thing. but the fucking, you know, Harvey Weinstein's scenes of the world and that, okay. So I think we got all, everyone who can societally understand the difference between good and bad. Cool. Now we got all this shit. Let's have a different news channel for it.

It's just a news channel that does this. Yeah. The Me Too stuff? Yep. Well, there's a difference being the Me Too stuff and then there's a difference between, I just feel like any time, if you're going to air that out, if you're going to air that out. Oh, fuck. I didn't even know if I stepped into that like a bunch of words. I was like, yeah, how do we button this?

It's unfortunate for everyone and things are going to get ugly and the fists are going to fly. And I was like, yeah, well, I don't know. I was just kind of like going, eh, that's fucking, you know what? That wasn't even a good attempt. What would it be called? I kind of did, I kind of did toss it up to you to fucking keep talking about it. Callans stand up. God, you'd be hard pressed to find something funnier than Callin's stand up, except for Callin when he's serious.

All right, dude. Let's move on with these bastards. Brian Callan coming to town this weekend. That's right. Let me tell you something. You'd be hard pressed to find a funnier guy unless he's being serious. We'll be right back for news, weather traffic. And then you hear that and you're like, what the fuck were you guys talking about in the break?

No, no, no. We're just, so you're here, you're in Dayton, Ohio. No, no, Portland, helium this weekend. Come on, watch him up and do a couple minutes, Will. Yeah, I don't, well, I'm not really a... What you fly up and do a couple minutes. Okay, yeah, all right. I'll throw you up.

Yeah, well, I don't. That's not really... Portland, where they're shut and where they're picketing white-owned restaurants because they're cooking ethnic food. Are they really? Yeah. What? Oh, yeah.

Wait, they're what? Well, because if you're a white-owned... If you're a white owner of a restaurant, but you're serving a fusion of ethnic food, your culturally appropriated. It's got to be more to it than that. They sure ain't. This burrito thing, these two white women who'd gotten to Mexico and figured out a way to make these amazing burritos, they were shut.

down because they were they were appropriating Mexican culture that's amazing well I oh it's amazing well then I'm shutting down your performance in the hangover movies yeah you're not that guy you're not not Lebanese I'm not Lebanese I'm not sure down all performances you were never that guy that's what I mean Chris that's acting

that's what I mean yeah I think it I'm liberal though see yeah but you get so like if you're real I'm real that you don't even I'm the real deal yeah that's not what I was trying to say I wasn't like what you're saying thank you oh don't thank me man I was trying to say something about There's a lot that's going on. I win.

Um. Tragic news out of Marina del Rey this morning. I win. And then he fucking expired. And then he was so fucking real about it that the doctors came in to an autopsy and said natural causes. He's in perfect health.

He fucking keeps it so real. He just said, I win and he fucking passed away. 31, I'm 31. Chris, remember the time we were talking about the song to play at Brian's funeral? Do you remember the name of that song? It was like some, like, fucking trap. Oh, yeah, yeah. What the fuck was that song?

Let me see if I could find it here. Oh, fuck. I think I got it. What was it? I think I remember. This guy's number one. He was our biggest influence, yeah. No, we used to talk about.

He was a biggest influence. He was a biggest influencer that we ever knew. Crying, crying hard. We'll cry at people. The tears are flying from my eyes. They're not even rolling down my cheeks. They're flying from my eyes. Who would do that?

Jesus Christ. You guys would cry. We'd commission guns and roses to come back and do your funeral song. You guys would cry for right. The first time tears shot out of someone's eyes. The tears are flying from my eyes. My tears, my cheeks are dry, but I'm crying hard. Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? I'm trying tears I'm flying from my eyes from my eyes The number one hit

If I out live you I want to take this Piece of podcasting Set it to music Yeah Well rest of peace Brian There's another single here But you're doing good

You're 51 years old Crushing it And like I've said before On many mediums Well whatever It's not that No no I want Do you know

You want to find it Well here's what I was going to say I have it I have it I was going to say about Brian at 51 Could beat the living shit out out of CM Punk, 10 years younger. Thanks, you can?

No, this guy, Brian. You could beat CM Punk? He could beat the fucking tar out of him, I think. Really? Yeah, I want to see that in the UFC. One last fight. Hey, he had, what was his name? Mike Jackson?

Yeah. That's the only reason I remember it. I'll beat Chris's ass. I'll tell you that much. Why don't you dress up like CM Punk, Chris? A lot of people say it looked like CM Punk. Yeah, let's touch your hair. No, because in his career I'll be over.

No, right. You could, yeah, I watched that fight going, Okay, so they just kind of throw in, he's an entertainer, right? He's a professional wrestler. He's been training for a couple of years to do something, you know, that's other. Let's call it other. You're primarily, you're an actor, you're a comedian, you're a, you know, whatever the fuck. Tennis player, boxer, wrestler.

And so. Don't say tennis player. Don't say tennis player. But I come off the ground when I hit. I mean, the top's been so stupid. This is my funeral song? Yep. This was it.

Is that it, though? That's so stupid. Yeah, God, Will you kill it on this song, huh? Thank you. I'm the pussy. Wow. And I start tutting. That's my funeral song.

That's your funeral song. And Chris and I will come in. Are you guys carrying my coffin? We're going to be like floating next to your coffin like this. Am I not in a coffin? We're the only pallbearers. No, I want to be wrapped like a mummy. And you guys are carrying me wrapped like a mummy.

Yeah. In white, in white. But we're just making you float. Yeah. I'm on your shoulder. I'm on your shoulder. My body's rigumortes. Your wife's crying.

And you wink at her. Your kids are mine. Yeah. And then we do that thing. You walk by and wink at my wife with me on your shoulder wrapped in gauze. You know out here in L.A. and Southern California, they have those sign flippers. They have them other parts of the country where it's like Subway sandwich 599 and come check out these new apartments. That's what we do with Brian's corpse at the fucking funeral.

And we just flip it around and spin in the air. Chicken suits. Yeah. Baking suits to that song. Yep. Oh, that would be a cool funeral. Brian, what do you serve for food? What do you serve?

Bacon. Two white women are going to make burritos. There you go. There you go. There you fucking. Two white women who went to Mexico are superfoodies. Hey, you know what? Let's start a restaurant.

People fucking loved it. Yeah. And now at the old... Bollies. Just while flipping Brian's body with chicken suits on. While white. women make burritos. Wife crying so hard.

Yeah. And your kids are on my shoulders. Why are they doing this? I don't know if they like this. And then I bust out of the gauze and I'm like, psych. And I cut both your throats. Okay.

And I drink your blood. No. Okay. Too much. Yeah, no. It's good. Oh, man. I'm tired today.

All right, too. Flew around yesterday. I'm tired today. on an airplane that kept delaying it was out in New York they had that Nor Easter I guess right I hate the Nor Easter

yeah like this just not don't say that right I mean this this podcast could just be a day what a day long oh yeah yeah let's keep going

yeah are any more current events I don't want to bring any sad stuff so bring it up I love sad stuff well how about Starbucks closing 150 stores next year yeah They just close 50. Why?

Because they're just too much. No, they usually just close 50 stores a year, but it's three times. Too many? They're just not doing well. Those locations, there's also stores that do well. I know, it's crazy. Like, how much coffee can you drink? You know what, dude?

I swear to God, I woke up the other day. I didn't realize there's a, there's a Starbucks in my guest room. There's a Starbucks in my guest room. Wait a minute. How did you not know. So they started like someone paid the franchise fee and had, you know what? I guess so. This was yesterday.

I'm still figuring it out. There's employees and shit. There's three employees. Three people who are looking in there. Other customers? Yeah, there have been people coming. Is that because you don't go around? Do you have a, is your house, it's obviously very big?

I mean, what? Hey, I'm doing well. How many rooms? How many rooms in your house? You know what? I don't know. Okay, so. Okay, so that's a manor.

Is that a manor? Or is it a mansion? Don't look like you don't know the answer to that. Yeah, you're being, you're being. How about this? What? You don't. I'll let you know.

Oh, come on. First of all, you're never going to get back to us for that. Second of all, you fucking don't mean it all. Look at your hands. Look at your fucking crooked mouth. That's not even a thing you do. That is so not a thing you do, you motherfucker. I do this a lot.

No, you don't do that. I mean, classy modest right now. He's making a what face. What's the fuck? Do you have a name for your house? Is it a, or is it just an address? Probably just a house. You don't know.

It's got a, what? Well, it's got like a CD on the gate. Okay, what? What? Don't look at your eyes again. What does it say? Dude, you're so expressive when you're lying. You don't have that.

Oh, look. You're going to be careful. You're going to flatline again. You're going to die if you get. No, dude, I'm fine, dude. Right now because I feel really good. Does your place have, oh, shit. Hey, man, did you, look, natural causes.

He lived too hard. He lived too much. Do you have that blonde? draft uh coffee that new Starbucks they have that yeah it's actually one of those uh Starbucks what I don't know what they call them but I was trying to ask the employee but I was so tired going to bed um and uh because it's 24 I guess it's 24 do they work for you Ted that's a fucking major Starbucks I know I should be making some sort of money right yeah do they you know what they might close but I don't know do you have the new like uh the new chicken tortilla

egg suvied deal oh that yeah not just the other two yeah but I thought in Greer and then there's Yeah but they're always out Oh fuck they're always out of those They're popular right Dude he really has a Starbucks in his house It's cool too because if I don't have a If I don't have a phone charger

They have those fucking table chargers Yeah I can just go on and just place my phone on there So you had to know that when you went in there You're like put a Starbucks here and then this Now do you allow anybody into the Starbucks or is there a They they yeah I mean yeah you can let anybody in Mostly I would say it's It's mostly a white people

people and then okay wow man i i have nothing to do with it why is it so weird no i have nothing it's not just white people it's just mostly white and who else that's about it's okay see he said mostly yeah so that's like it's it not i'm not trying to i'm not trying to is it are you saying that you have a i'm not a white only starbucks i don't care i'm not judging you know i i know and and again it has nothing to do with me It's in your home. It's in your home. Chris,

it's in your house. You've been saying that for the past five minutes. And I didn't, I didn't have a, I didn't know. Yeah. Now, we got to, we got to talk about, you're talking about a guy who's got a, I mean,

I've got a big house. I know. I know. Every time he talks about the size of his house, he starts curling his mouth. But you have a racist coffee shop. No, no, no, no, no. I don't have any coffee shop.

Okay, but you do admit that they, there is a Starbucks in my home. That's a coffee shop. I found out about that yesterday. About what? That, That it's, is it, is that white people only are there by coincidence or is there a barrier to entry to people who have more melanin in their skin? So I popped in about five or six times yesterday because I still, every time I was like, wait a minute, really?

And I would walk in and I'd be like, your home. Yeah. Okay. My home. Yeah. And every time I walk in, maybe six, seven, eight, nine times. It's a lot. Yeah, there were, it was pretty much white people.

Okay. And it was only that. Okay, so is there a sign or anything? So it's Starbucks. So they do have signs, yeah. Yes, no, but they have that sign that says Starbucks and then they have a sign that says things on this premises may cause cancer and birth defects or whatever that fucking sign. They have to have that one.

And then, oh, we can write, we have the right to refuse service to anyone and then a bunch of, you know. And then what else? So it could be a coincidence. There was, there was small wording under that. Which one? Do you remember what that said? Under the we reserve a right to refuse service to anyone and then a bunch of stuff under that that was in parentheses Did it say of color?

It said something like Because when I got closer to the side Yeah, no. Because it was small, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they were like It said no black. Oh boy, Chris.

Chris, that's a super. You have a white. Asians. And then it said, or other. What? That's everyone. You have to change that side. You can't have this.

You have to change that sign. That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's an extreme. I have nothing to do with. Do you have an extremist? You have an extremist. You have an extreme. You're going to be responsible for it no matter what. You can't have a, I don't give a shit who you bring this to.

Any court in the land. And I mean the land will say you had it in your house, sir. Right. Right here. Right. All the evidence. There's a room in your house where... Excuse me, Judge.

I didn't know that. No, no, hold on your honor. But you do now, and here's a thing. Judge Guy. Judge Guy. No, Chris, you've known for a day that you have a white's only room in your house. It's not a room. It's a Starbucks.

It's a room that serves coffee. I think, honestly, Starbucks will be in a lot of trouble. Chin is super offended. It doesn't matter if it's a room or a Starbucks. I have a question. Let them call. They have those fucking table charges walking. We know about that.

If Chin walks in with a friend of, his who happens to also be Asian or let's say of Latin descent or of African American descent what happens when he tries to get in there chin doesn't walk in they have a Chris what do they have

well they have a they have a I don't want I mean again yesterday I walk in I'm noticing all this shit and they actually have a separate entrance and I was like in my house I have no idea. I know, but Chris, what happens?

What are they had? So I walk out and I'm like, there's... Nobody stopped you when you walked in? I know it's your house, but nobody... Nobody stopped me, no. Well, you look Albanian, which is technically white. So there you have it. So I walked into the part, you know, you know the, you know when you walk into a bank

and they have the first entrance and then you have to wait for them to have the light turned green to reopen up the second entrance? Yeah. Okay, so. Sort of. So what happens is when a bank gets robbed, if a bank gets robbed, there's two entrances, right? And they're one after another. and the robber leaves the one door,

and then they trap them in the little area to where they can't leave the second door, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This Starbucks has a version of that. Right. So.

Chris. What? And you can only make it? No, I'm saying. It has a... Chin has a... No problem getting past the first entrance, right? Right.

So, but then he has to get... He's in the chamber. Right. And then what happens to Chin? It's a detention center. No, no. So now the second entrance, that would be a red light for Chin would It's a red light.

So he's... Chris, this is insanely racist. How does he get his coffee? Well, there's, I mean, he's free to go anywhere else. You want. No, Chris, you have a racist coffee shot. No, you don't... No, you have to be in for a house.

You know what about... It's in your house. Listen, I don't understand why you guys are upset. You guys want to get coffee. You just come right in. Because I'm not a racist. That's not the point. I don't want...

I don't want to have anything to do that. I'm not going there. I'm not going there. I don't either. No, you got Starbucks right there and you brought him this thing. There's no way you paid for this. That's from the white's only star, but that's a racist copy. And you didn't pay for this thing.

No. Right. I don't want that you know there every day. You drank a little bit of it. I'm, so what? So we're all kind of in this together, right? What's the name of that? What's the name of that?

That? What's the name of that drink? So it has two names, right? So it has, it's called the simply strawberry. Okay. And then, and then, so they said, and then, and then under it, it says made by, made with real strawberry, sugar, fructose, whatever. Sorry, it's a little red.

We wish that it was... White. Oh, man. You're white. Chris, you have to... That is an aggressively raised to Starbucks in your house, man. You're insanely... These people hate everyone but whites.

Dude, this is fucked up, Chris. This is not going to look good. It's not for me. I swear. You keep saying that, but don't you understand... Imagine you wake up one. day. You walk into a room. Just let them. Yeah. Imagine wake up one day. You walk into a room and you're out. You haven't been

down that corridor or whatever. Sometimes that happens. And you open up the door and all of the sudden. You try to give you the benefit of the house. Yeah, but a corridor that you haven't been down. And you see all of a sudden a bunch of green and it's a Starbucks and you're like, holy shit, I had nothing to do with this. Okay. That's where I'm coming from. Right. And it happens to be I apparently, I'm realizing now, a white's home. Now you're realizing that? Chris, you've known for a full day, and you still haven't taken action.

Have you talked to anybody about this? And I feel like in some ways. So I asked the guy who works there, right? And I was like, what's the deal? What's his name? So his name? Yeah. His name is, uh, his, his name is, uh, Henry.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a regular name, right? Yeah. Uh, and so, so I asked him, how did, what's the deal with this, right? And he goes like this. I don't have anything to do with this. Nobody's responsible for this insanely racist coffee shop.

Henry's a white guy? Who instituted? Who put the sign up? I mean, not that it matters, but I think Henry might have something to do with this. Yeah, he's a white guy. Okay, but then you're also going, I got another. Everybody's like.

Is there anybody there that took responsibility for their insanely racist? You said there were three people working. Yeah, three other guys, two other guys. Who are the other guys? Yeah. Henry, Zach. That's a white dude. It's a white guy.

I'm not even going to ask, yeah. Henry, Zach? Cody. Cody. Those guys are white. Those are white dudes. Well, Cody's young. Okay.

So is Henry, too, because he probably has those parents who are like, yeah, let's call him, let's call him Jack or Hank. Is he a throwback name? Yeah, what, call him a throwback name. Brian, watch this. Well, call him a throwback name. Yeah. Yeah.

My transatlantic guy. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's really good. And then Cody and Zach. Yes. and Zach and Zach is an older man okay now and he doesn't he doesn't wear the uh the green

the apron or whatever the okay so he's the man what is he what is he yeah sure he's the manager what's he wearing so he's got all sorts of other shit going on he he might be the one no i don't i'm you know what i'm not sure because he's not even wearing the starbucks outfit what is he wearing that's what that's what we're saying so he has like this white go on I don't know. White top. Is it a white? Just a white top?

Is it a white smock looking thing? Exactly, yeah. Is it a smock? Is it to keep off like coffee off his actual shirt? Hold on. Is it a red and black? No. Wait, is it a robe?

Hold on. Is it a robe? Yeah, I mean, maybe he just rolled out of bed or. He's a wizard. He's got red and black. He knows no magic. He knows what it does taste magical. Does he have like sort of.

have little symbols like on his person that sort of look like the thing that would be next to like oh you're in this is the auto club and then there's like an emblem you never said. That's the red and black show. Or like those yeah those symbols like when you get like emoji symbols you're like what's the fucking clan the fucking clan

secretly open the Starbucks in your god damn. You have to get them the fuck out of there. You got to get the clan out of your fucking up. The clan has opened the Starbucks and they're profiting and you have the clan in your house. You're probably profiting somehow. I know an

exterminate. They're leasing from you whether you know it or not. He can gas him out of there. But I was like, guys, I was like, would you gas them out? Yes, there's a guy. No, there's a guy who can, he shoots a gas, not going to kill him, but it'll, it's a noxious gas that will get, it's a, it's a, it's an anti-racist. In between the two entrances? It's an anti-racist gas. They have the gas. You got to get the guy in there. He'll, he'll

feel me in the place. I was like, what? This is illegal? And they go like this, dude, here, don't worry about it. And I'm like, okay, It's just weird. You open to Starbucks and I got, so I drove it here. They gave me a Ferrari. They gave you a Ferrari? They have money. They're probably making that much money there.

You got rich Klan members. Do you have like a lot of like, probably a lot of just like white girls going in there because they all love Starbucks? Do they, yeah, they're making so much money that they're giving them a fucking Ferrari on the side and tell them to keep quiet. Yeah. So I haven't said anything up until now. Are the girls though?

Do the girls, are they, do they look like they've been indoctrinated? Is there any knitting and is there baking going on? on do they look like do they keep their heads down yeah they're they're you know i've ever seen the show um handmade yeah that's exactly what it's like well dude see they're wearing bonnets and shit those are clans girls who are who are had low self-esteem and they don't talk back and they're probably all pretty young i don't know if i've heard them say anything are they all pregnant dude uh three there's been three pregnant okay then can i say this chris have you made any of the girls pregnant Chris

Say no It's Chris Yeah Listen I'm asking you honestly But please say no No You're fucking You're lying

Well did you make any of these girls Did you have sex with racist Did you have sex with the racist Are you making racist babies Dude You've known for way longer than a day It takes nine months Months hasn't it

Oh geez dude You have a fucking Four You have a clan operated Starbucks in your house. He bought that Ferrari off the profits he made off his. What a fucking weird fucking thing this guy's doing. He's got a fucking racist Starbucks. I'm so disappointed.

He's impregnating young quiet girls and bonnets. Dude, I don't know, man. You're a friend and shit, but like you got to fuck. You got to. They're against condom. Nah, of course they are. You got to make this right. feels better without so they're like we're making up our own rules you gotta make this right jack

dude yeah please make it right dude i will your character is i promise you i will i'm gonna make it right today what are you gonna do what are you gonna do when you get home i swear to god what i'm gonna march right down there yeah and i'm gonna go home and i'm gonna fucking and i'm gonna i'm gonna after i get a coffee i'm gonna fucking uh for fuck sick i'm gonna say uh he's gonna get a coffee you know i'm to do, I'm going to open up a rival fucking coffee bean. It's not, you're going to make it worse. On the other side of my house, for blacks. No.

How about that? I mean, for only blacks. Well, not only, you can't, it's actually not a bad idea. No, because then Asians, it has to be colorblind. That's the whole point of this country. Yeah, I know. He's right. You got to have everybody in there and then, and you have to, you're not going to drive them out of business. You have to just.

I'll drive them out of business with a black coffee bean. No, you have to shut them down. Maybe he just drives them out of business first with the black coffee bean, then the black coffee bean, and says, psych, it's for everybody. No, you have to just say this is illegal and you have to just shut him down. But he's trying to figure out a way to fucking deal with him, Brian. At this point, he can't just go, oh, sorry, oops, 14 months. He has to proactively get after and start a black starbuck.

Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. I know how to solve this problem. Relax. What is it? I'll get some of my thug friends. They're white.

And they got their fight. They're fighters. Yeah. And we'll go in there. I'm going to come with them, and we're going to have pieces of hickory, okay? And we're going to wear them. Just random pieces of hickory? We're going to wear them in our pants.

And then we're going to come in, and you have one of those in the door. There's the door. If they know you're threatening, how they get to pass up a second. No, we're not. We're going to come in as whites and we're going to go, hey, whites. And they're going to be like, hey, guys, what can I get you? And then I'm going to have a fucking, you got one of those doors. Do you have one of those doors, those big industrial doors because it's the Starbucks.

Yes. I'm going to come in. I'm going to come in with one of those big padlocks that you see on ships with the chains. Yeah. And I'm going to, and one of those giant industrial, like, padlocks that you'd use to keep, to keep gold in a large chest. Okay. Yeah. And I'm going to go, I'm going to pull it.

I'm going to pull it up the chain. I'm going to lock the door. And I'm going to go there. Now you can't leave. That's from Bronx tale. Go on. Now you can't leave. That's the most famous line from the movie that a lot of people.

Now you can't leave. Shut the fuck off. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. That's fine. You can roll. You be in the corner crying.

like the fucking cowardly, cowardly race, racist apologists, racist apologies you are. And me and my friends are going to pull out our hickory and have a good old time on some racist noggins. And that's how we're going to close your fucking Starbucks down. And there it was. I never saw Sonny so mad. He beat up all those guys at Starbucks.

And they all regretted the day they crossed him when he locked the door and said that. And close up on that, close up on my face as I'm done, as I'm done, making mince meat literally of all there, all that, everybody in the Starbucks with my hickory. And I just come up and there's blood that just, it just drips. From your nose? Yep. Because you've been doing coke the whole time.

And I just, I'm just, and that music from my funeral is playing. And then I kill myself. What? Yeah, I kill myself. Weird, weird. I know. With my own hickory. Well, yeah.

With my, guys. hey so that was the longest bit we've ever done yeah yeah it was a pretty long bit 25 minutes racist Starbucks in my house right right in there racist Starbucks in my house yeah it was really good you brought it back to the to the song I'm glad you guys drove down here for that hey I'm sorry you know I just wanted to come by and say hey Chris but we you have anything else you want to say it will oh shit I'll be in where we go in Portland yeah we'll be in Portland this weekend

Portland Maine I got Portland Maine or Portland Oregon and then I got to I got Tampa, and then I got Syracuse. Go to T-Fat K for tickets. We'll go to Chrislea.com and come to where the fuck I am. It's all good. Chris is going to open for me, maybe Will Will, too. I'm heading up north to shoot the second season of Loudermilk, so watch the first season right now. Nobody does, but here's the thing. And you're on school days. I'm on school. School. School time. Say school. No, it's school. Schoolie. It's schoolie D. You guys are being dicks. It's called Schooled. Yeah. I started shooting the end of August. Cool. Very busy. You got my special. Shoot my special. You guys know it's sold out.

Talia Hall, but the 19th, still some tickets left. Thursday, warm-up show. Me and Shab, what? I can't wait. Shooting two, three episodes of that school show. I'm shooting 13. Don't be respectful. That's what you're supposed. Get rid of the pink cover. Why is yourself? Tulsa, Oklahoma, Midwest City, Oklahoma, Dallas, Portland, Maine, Hampton Beach, Mashan, Tunkett, Houston, Texas, Montreal, Wichita. You know what I mean? I'm going to just go

to Christelia. Hey, are you performing anywhere live soon? Will. Yeah. Like, where can I see you? Just go to Christalia.com, dude. Okay, hey, calm down, man. I'm a fan, all right? Calm down, motherfucker. I'm a fan, all right?

You're not a fan. Don't be yelling at me because I just want to come see your comment. Guys, take it easy. Where are you going to be soon? I just mentioned where I was going to be soon. Okay, when's the next time you're doing comedy? I just said, Oklahoma, dude.

When? Thursday. Okay, take it easy. Dude, I'm a fan, man. Guys, take it easy, man. Oh, fuck. Guys, let me ask you this. By the way, Syracuse is July 13th and 14th.

Oh, Gotham added a show in Gotham, July 12th, Thursday, New York City, July 12th, Gotham Comedy Club. And if you're a fan of mine in New York City, don't go. No, no. Chris, you can't fucking railroad them like that. If you like Chris, add just ramp up the funny, and that's Brian Callan. So that's what it is. Ramp it the fuck up about 17 notches. Gotham Comedy Club, July 12th, 13th and 14th, Syracuse.

funny bone is this the longest podcast you've ever done no i'm going to be what is i'm going to be cracking wise with some friends no hanging out if you're around if you're one of my close friends and we have we share a laugh together uh hope you enjoy it jesus christ you're just stand on a bucket outside of stuff the whole world and tell my jokes you know i say an experience with a with brian call and just do impressions you know that i would crush a bucket you fucking asshole i know You said that. Hey, how about Will, nice shoes? Brian.

The fuck. Come on. These are fucking my Pegasus Nike. Yeah, dude. Where'd you get those? Hey, hey, guys. My wife just sent me a reminder that she and my kids are going to be at the Getty Villa this afternoon. Performing?

Is they performed? No, they're going to go. I guess the Gatty Museum to see some museum exhibit. I can't go. Why not? Is it because you're busy or is it because your brain doesn't allow you to want to? That's my brain Doesn't allow me to watch you

Have you ever been to a fucking museum And enjoyed it ever? I mean, do I have my phone with me? I like museums, to be honest Yeah, I really do. You like museums are fun. You like museums? I do, yeah.

What the fuck? I know it's weird. You know what else I like? You know what else I like? I love musicals. Dude, are you serious? Fucking love them, dude. I would never think that.

I know. I'm a surprise, dude. What, uh, did you, have you seen? I can't imagine. I'm fucking turned around and shock you. What musicals have you loved? Wicked. Wow.

The producers is fucking hilarious. Wow. Dude, I've gone by myself to see musicals. Really? Wow. I never would have. When you're in New York, you'll go see a musical.

I have. That's amazing. Jack Lynn Hyde is all by myself. Oh my God. That's amazing. Yeah, I've seen so many. I mean, I love them. And what about you?

I just saw the play that goes wrong in New York. I rarely go. And I also, while I was there, I saw in an of a movie. itself, which is a very interesting illusionist thing. Playing till August, everybody. Listeners as a fighter of the kid to have access to New York. I highly recommend it.

In and of itself. Yeah. You don't have listeners in New Yorker though, right? You only have, like the southern listeners that are like. I'll sell out. Hey, boy, you listen to that podcast? No, don't do that. That's not.

My goodness. Don't do that. Hey, boy, you listen to that TFEA, TK? Those are the guys that are, that's the impression of my average fan. You listen to that shit with the broken sign? You fucking listen to TFI. He got a Starbucks in his own house, which I would like to visit. We got to sound like we need to go.

Yeah. You can get any of those Starbucks drinks that you could have over here at the mall, only the difference is there's no blacks. And also, they seem to know how to treat women. Wait, no what? There's no blakes and the women which never speak to the men who make all the rules there. It's trying to sound like Bill Cosby. No blacks.

Rootson. We got an all-white Starbucks that I started in Custlea's house. So I can trade white women not to talk. I've never seen his face. He has the, you know what I mean? It could be Bill Cosby. What a fucking awesome ripple at the end of that bit. And it's Bill Cosby.

Dude, I'm fucking buff, huh? Right? Just fucking asshole. Buff. You know what I am? what? Dumb buff. No,

are you D diesel? No, but I'm fucking Daisal, but you know what's weird is I'm fucking Daisal, but dude, I fucking, people, I swear to God my name is

that's not really him, is it? I think that's my name. God, because that's what we're calling me. How many pairs of shoes do you own, you fucking zero? That's so bad. Why do you wear those? I like those.

I like the Air Max. You just like gold, bad sneakers, huh, with those big souls. Hey, dude. What? You're going to watch your fucking mouth. Guys, don't funny.

Hey, you are. Hey, what? Hey, not. What's the longest podcast you've ever done for real? We can do it, chill. Okay, boom. Okay, I'm sorry, you're right. I flew off the handle.

Yeah, but tell him if he's going to step to me. I'll fucking move halfway. Yeah, but I've seen you guys get violent. And I'll meet a half way. But I'll meet him halfway. Just don't. We've got to go through a lot. I have a fucking racist Starbucks in my house.

Don't get physical. Which you've enabled. And I have a Ferrari. And you think I want the Ferrari? And you think I want the Ferrari? You know what? Just don't, don't ever come at me like that because I will meet you halfway and more.

Guys, guys, please, let's not get out of control. He's never had his ass kick. Yeah, but you're fucking, you're going on now. I'm undefeated. You know what that means? I'm undefeated. I've never had my ass kick. Why?

Because I'm undefeated. No, because you never fought a guy who can fucking pepper your face. Guys don't fight. All right? Please don't fight. Pepper your face. One time when I was a kid, I fucking was at this Mexican restaurant and my friend Morgan Doizaki was there.

Oh yeah, I know Morgan. You don't know Morgan. But anyway, he's a fucking cool guy. He's Japanese, he's Japanese, Japanese, okay. Well, don't act like you're cool because you know the last name Doizaki is Japanese, okay? But I will tell you this thing, that I put salt in my hand, and I said, hey, Morgan, you want to feel my ninja dust? And he said, what the fuck is that? And I said, you want to fill my ninja dust?

He said, oh, what the fuck is it? I'm not going to tell you. I have to show you. And he said, okay. And I threw it in his eyes. And he goes, oh, what the fuck did you just do? Oh, what are you doing? Oh, what the fuck are you doing?

That's how he talks. Yeah, he talked really fast. That's super. That's very stereotypical. No, no, no, no, I wasn't a Japanese. What the fuck you're doing? He would just talk really fast, but it wasn't Japanese. What the fuck are you doing?

What are you doing? Well, no, that's British. Oh, what the fuck are you doing, mate? That's actually British. He wasn't a British Japanese guy, but I thought you were top of geyser. You fucking threw, um, top of my eyes, mate. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because that's what I heard, too.

Good geiser. Oh, what the fuck you're doing? Oh, what the fuck you're doing? That's, that's, that's dangerously close to sounding very stereotypically, like, condescendingly. no it's not it's not it's not condescended that's what the fuck you do you know he wasn't like oh what do you do you he wasn't like that he was like what the fuck you doing what the fuck you doing he's like that it wasn't a japanese accent he didn't even have a japanese guy if a japanese guy come here and only been speaking english for a little while and i threw salt in his eyes and be respectful

yeah so if i know me throw the salt on your eyes ready that well he'd take his sword out yes they don't have swords japanese we're talking that's so con yeah no you don't all have swords the you know that flap that they have that yeah they don't they don't I don't wear those. I know what you're talking about, but I still don't think they don't wear those. He'd kill you honorably. I mean, that's... Okay, what would he say? I mean, I don't, I don't know Japanese. Okay. He spoke English.

This is the end. He would say, this is the end or something very... It's very poetic thing. How? Harry Carey. How would he say this is the end? He would make you do it. He would say, this is the end. I don't know.

This is the end. This is the end. And then you, and then you would, it would go right through you, like, like a, like a,

like a, like a, like a, like a, like a sword. Do you know what I would say there? Do you know what I would say? So stab me? Wow.

You learn Japanese from the guitar. And then I go, I won. Are you one? Oh. Right. But you know what? It would,

it would go through like a fucking, like a, like a knife through up water, really. It would just slice you up. Yeah. And then he'd look at you. You know, he'd make sure to fucking, you know, and you'd be like,

that's what I do. You know, and blood would be, and it would hit his face a little bit, and he'd be looking, he'd make sure, and make sure you're looking at him. And then when you look at him, you'd look at him, and he'd have tears in his eyes. Because you both knew he had to do that.

And you both understood the honor. Okay. Yeah. And then you die. And then you die. Yeah. And then when you fall, you pull the dick out and your mouth fall. Oh, dude.

That's exactly right. Because that is the honorable way. That's not part of the scene. And it doesn't even look pretty. He honestly gets on top of you. No. And his fucking bad ass is the thing you can see. And he just fucking like fucks your mouth a little bit.

Like, and not even, he doesn't even do like nice like that. You know what he does? He goes like this. Ew. And he goes. goes like this. He just he moves

barely into it. Not into it. And his lap he moves his flap so his fucking dick can get excited. And it's no waste action. It's all fucking sore legs.

It's rubbed. It's friction. And then you know what I say? You know what I do? What? You're dead. Seen better. Seen better.

Yeah, then I die. That last insult, I get the last word in. I go, slam. Yeah. Yeah. Is anyone?

ever done this? Yeah, dude, I like that. Hey, man, you guys have been so disrespectful on my podcast. Yeah. Yeah, you're a bitch. Don't do that. Yeah, you're a bitch, aren't you?

Yeah, you know what, man? I'm not. Hey, good podcast. What are you a bitch? Nice. Hey, Will, that water jug is too big. Of course it is. No, it's not.

It's so annoying. Will, at least you know what you do? You can hold it with one hand and do that. But how about this? That's disrespectful. If somebody, if somebody starts shooting at you, you can hide behind it at least. No, yeah, yeah. You know what, dude?

Just, how about this? Get one half the size. And when you're done with it, get another one. No, I need this one. It's got two compartments and the other compartment holds an extra pair of shorts. For me, yeah. All right, dude, I'm done. You know, fuck this podcast.

It's mine now. Fucking super deluxeo kid and the sweet toot-to-to-tut-n-a-tart-n-ass. No, that's not sure. This has been a shit-head. This has been bad. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. fuck. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And it's always like, uh, the fight of the kid. Yeah. As if that's, uh, the pinnacle of fucking you got, speaking of white guys, yeah. You got like four or five of them and Bobby Lee, uh, fighting for that fucking thing every year. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. Who gives a fuck outside of that? Does anybody give a shit? By the way. Just give it to him, then give it to me, then give it to Michael Rappaport. No, then give it to fucking Bobby Lee. Let me tell you something right now. Let me tell you something right now.

I didn't promote that bullshit at all. I lost by 1%. If I promoted it, Goddush! Also, let me tell you this much. If I ever win that, I'm making you some fucking earrings. I'm melting it there. And you're going to have some beautiful ears. Hey, you fuck.

You don't dis. Let's put some ornaments on your fucking lobes. You don't disrespect. That's an amazing award. You don't disrespect. Speaking of awards, what happened with the award that I gave you? Best Woman from the last time I was here. I never got it asked about that.

What did I tell you about that? If I don't see it here next time, something's going up your ass. Well, I like, I'm into that. I bought him a fucking award at the fucking airport. They didn't have. It was an Oscar. I saw that. Okay, it said Best Woman.

And he was offended by that? Yeah, I was. Because he's a piece of shit. There is. And so, oh, there it is. Okay. There it is. Well, then we're fine.

Yeah. So fuck both you guys. This has been the fighter and the kid. Core strength. And what are you doing now? Watch this. Delivering it to you. Wow, that's good.

Don't do it. Don't do it well. Nice. That's how it should be. Don't do it well. Hold on. It'll figure it out. Well?

There you go. There you go. Perfect. Yeah, deliver it to them. That fucking bitch. That little fucking. Yeah, you're welcome. We got a machine to do it.

We won. We won. Thanks, guys. Thank you guys. I love you guys. I appreciate. Appreciate. Appreciate you.

I appreciate you guys. I feel like it was a long episode of 10 minute podcast, but it was the fight of the kid. And you guys, we're out. Okay. We're out.