The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 426 Will Sasso

Episode Date: June 28, 2026

Will Sasso guest hosts with Bryan and the boys talk Alex Jones, Bryan's spinoff "Schooled" finally airing and premiere news, Pete Farrelly's pranks, Will's fart defense against Bryan, Will's potential stand-up debut, the 3 hour doorbell licker, Kevin Hart passing on the Oscars, gay frogs, Bryan's dad calls into the show and much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men. Can we stand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Mm, kids got a piece on them. Peace on them.

Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the on it. studios in Plyar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter.

Sounds better when you say, live. But we're not live. We don't do it. Shut up, man. And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. Not live. This is not live.

It's not live. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Friday, I want to apologize for getting this podcast. out a little late I was working. Brennan had to go to freezing Edmonton where he is now. I guess it was three degrees. Woo-hoo! What a blast. Oil fields.

Love the people of Edmonton. Before we get started, guys, reminder, Cap Cities, Austin. I'm there. January 31st, first and second. I'm kind of excited because Tim Kennedy's coming. Hell yeah. My boyfriend.

And he promoted my show on my Instagram story. I thought it was really cool of him. Hell yeah. I get a giddy kind of feeling when I'm that great MMA fighters and great Americans. Great human beings. Yeah. American Comedy Club in San Diego, February 7, 8, 9. And by the way, this just in, the Vogue Theater, one night only Vancouver, February 21st.

The Vogue Theater, one night only, Vancouver. I'm putting it up on the T.FATK website. Haven't done it yet, but you can get tickets. and I'll provide a link. Well, we're waiting for Will Saso right now. Will, as usual, is late. The only person who's more late than I am is Will Saso. I got a text that said, 15, cunt.

And he also said to have an omelette station set up and asked me if our omelette chef can make crepes. That would be me then. Yeah, so he's going to come in like the blazing. a-hole that he is. By the way, I want to thank everybody because schooled crushed the ratings. Crushed. They had no idea to be that big.

We retained 100% of our Goldberg's audience and all these other things, like all these other reviews. So it's kind of weird. Success is weird. I just want to say this to you guys. Success? When you get everything you want, you better be careful because it comes with responsibility. It comes with work.

And then you have to give something up for a lot. something else. Like, I love that I get to be on a TV show. Don't kid me. Don't get me wrong. I love that I'm writing finally new stand-up. It's all good, man. It's all good. I love the podcast, but it's a lot and you're juggling a lot. And then when you throw in the little details of life, like, I don't know, like figuring out what the set list is for my special or some, or the cover art, all that stuff. Or people want favors and you want to do them favors. But it's just literally every minute of your day gets, you know, piled on. And then you just want to kind of, you want to retreat to your couch, smoke some weed.

Smoking weed. And just be a slacker. But I don't like, oh, dude, my, my kids got that Oculus. Rift. Dude, the, the virtual reality. I got, I tried that roller coaster shit. I had to pull it off. I almost threw up.

I get scared of those things, too. Oh, I can't stand virtual reality. I get sick. It looks too real. I mean, it makes you feel like you're going to fall down or you can't walk around. It throws me off. What torture would be to have me be, you know, sort of on a roller coaster or one of those moving things would just be sick all the time. The worst.

T-H-E. Worst. I want to do virtual reality, though, where I'm, where, like, I can physically move around. Like, I can fight. I can hunt. I want to do stuff like that. Wouldn't you still feel weirded out, though? Of course.

Like, if you're in a room, you still feel like you're about to fall out of a window. Well, they say kids should only do it a half hour at a time. Otherwise, they'll get all crazy. That makes sense. Yeah. But the problem is kids get, kids like, this whole new movement of iPad slash virtual reality, kids are going to mesh with machines. So it's, and I'm trying to fight it. But how the hell do I fight like these insane video games, these games that, and kids, I'm not that entertaining.

I can't do what, you know, all these virtual reality technicians can do. Dinosaurs. I'm not as entertaining as. fucking dinosaurs coming at you at 100 miles an hour. So that's a problem. I'm going to write about that in my stand-up. Perfect. How did you like your show?

It was good. I mean, you did you, I'm sure you saw the- I can't stand anything I do, dude. Really? Yeah, but I thought the show was good. I think it's a really good show. And it gets better. It gets funnier and it gets better.

We had to put in a lot of information. Oh, and I don't know if I can even say this, but, well, one of the songs in the pilot may or may not have been an R. Kelly song. What? Yeah, they made it. And these incredible editors were like, let's get this song out of here when all the information came out of that,

that A-hole. I'm surprised it's taking this long for that guy to come down. Yeah, he's a really, really creepy weird dude. He is, right? Even since beginning. We first heard about he's peeing on, like, young girls. Well, I mean, wasn't there a video of him peeing

on a 14-year-old? So if that's the case to me, that, like, the fact that guy, like, somehow had a career after that? Forget the Me Too movement. I know it was before that, but like when I heard that, if that's really what he did,

then I write that dude off forever. I don't know how to, what are you talking about? You what? Like if I had my best friend, I found out he peed on a 14-year-old. I'd be like, I can't be friends with you anymore.

I can't. How can you? Yeah. Weirdo. Well, now there's, it says that there's a criminal investigation. Finally. A probe.

Finally. Yeah. finally. The weird thing about a lot of this is that a lot of the girls are young, from what I understand, and they get that Stockholm syndrome. Like there's this thing about, I'm, he probably preys on girls with low self-esteem. And then he, then he, they're his captives. And whenever you do that with somebody, they feel like a piece of shit to begin with. So they're not going to, they're not going to stand up for themselves. So people like that pray on that shit. They only have, people like that can only have relationships. I've known people like this in my life.

They can't have, they can't have, you know, like relationships that are on the same level. They always have to be above somebody, always. It's what drives them. They don't have, like sociopaths don't have an ability to empathize or to actually have a relationship on equal footing. They only relate to people in terms of power. They have to be in a position of power over you. That's why they say, like sociopaths, psychopaths, psychopaths, kill animals, torture animals, their kids because it's their ability to have complete and total dominance and power over

the animal and take its life. That makes sense? Yeah. Do you remember him? Do you remember that girl, Alia? Yeah. Singer. She's beautiful.

She was in that Romeo must die movie. Yeah. Uh-oh. Here he go. Here he is. Uh-oh. Here he is. What?

What, bro? What is it? Yeah. It's so bad. I know, but that was for other people. So come on in, Will. Where you been? Shooting?

Your eyes are kind of dead this morning. Will? What's going on? Oh, that's annoying. Oh, my God. Can you not bring an office-sized cooler jug of water? Get a bigger chair. These chairs constrain my hair.

in the way that I'm not comfortable with. Well, I can't bring in a bigger chair for you just because... Get bigger chairs for both of you. Well, Brendan's a big guy. He's got a big athletic high bubble butt. He does. That's how he fucking trains. That's how he beat the shit out of people.

Yeah, he's got... For years and years. I got a high athletic bubble butt. Yeah, but it's little and cute. Little cute bubble butt Brian Callan's ass. That's the butt that fits in a red chair. in a red chair In a red chair.

Hey man, how long's the show been going? Give him no sass. What? How long's the show been going this morning? Well, it's been going on for about five, maybe ten minutes. Yeah, well, happy New Year, bro. Thanks, buddy.

I really, really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. I'd like to say hello to all your listeners. Of course, they're people that I adore. They're people that I feel close to and more importantly. They feel close to me. Yeah. And that's my responsibility.

That's why I showed up to Okay. When you asked, it has nothing to do with our fucking friendship. Okay, okay. For years and years of that, it's because I respect these people. Yeah, see, I never know what I'm dealing with with you because you tend to float from mood to mood. So I, yeah, I don't know what I'm coming. I don't know what, when you come in, I don't know what kind of cloud I'm going to have to deal with.

You know what I'm saying, bro? You can call it unpredictable. You could call it exciting, but sure. There's a logic, uh, logic worms swimming around in my brain. Yeah, there's a logic worm. And, uh, you don't know where it's going to stop. Now, what's that logic do? You ever just want to kill a bunch people?

Yeah. Sometimes I just want to slide into the, I just want to go into the forest. Yeah, yeah. And I just want to get, I just want to get people and I want to put them in cloaks. Oh, boy. And I want to, and I want to preach to them and I want to promise them things. So you want to create a druid society? Yeah, I want to create a druid society.

Did you have a cauldron? We would have a cauldron. What would be in said cauldron? Said cauldron, it would be, well, first we'd start with bark. Bark, yeah, of course. We take the river water, the water from the creek. Got to be careful with bark, because some bar can be very poisonous, can it? That's kind of the point.

Got it. And while everybody's drinking from the cauldron, I'm drinking from the black cistern. Okay. What's in the black cistern? Clam chowder usually? Okay. I thought maybe some kind of a bat blood or something like that. Just got a clam.

Oh, Jesus. Just got a clam. I understand you usually, you like your clam chowder raw. I do like raw class. Well, I'm part of the raw food movement. No, I know, but I just feel like you get people out in the, in the forest. Yeah. And that's, and we're in nature.

Yeah. And that's where, and that's where we, you know, they're out there. They're, they're in cloaks. They're in the forest. And these people are literally having gay sex and coffins. Okay. They're swimming in feces. Okay.

Is this Alex Jones or is this? And your friend, uh, Joe Rogan, yeah, who's literally, uh, uh, reading the George Soros talking points. And he said he'd have me back on the show. I don't need to be on his show. Okay. And Sundar Pichai, the CEO of Google. Yeah.

And Google is evil. And you know this because you're part of this exact travesty is what I would call it. And it's a conspiracy. On what? Of people who come to this planet. I'm just using it as a search engine. They're bat people and they're lizards. Bat people.

And they're not human. Okay. Do you have any evidence, scientific evidence for this? Do you have any? Let me tell you the scientific evidence that I've found of bad people, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, lizards living among us. And your friend Joe Rogan, who, and Joe's a brilliant guy. Yeah. Joe's, Joe knows as much as I do.

Amen. And, and he's a well-read guy. Right. And he's, and he's talking about DMT. And he wants to start a concentration. camp. No, I don't know. I don't think that's true. I've known Joe a long time. I don't know where you... Joe Rogan lives up in Valencia where he has a concentration. He doesn't live in Valencia. He has a concentration camp.

No, I can tell you that it is... George Soros. That's not true. He doesn't even know George. And he's... And, and... I got a clam. I got a clam. It's just like the story of the scorpion and the frog. Yeah, I know the scorpion says, hey, to the frog, get me across the water. Yeah. And he gets on the frog and the scorpion stings a frog.

Yeah. And the frog says, why did you sting me? And he says, because I'm a scorpion. It's in my nature. It's in my nature. You're a scorpion. Hey. And the, the, the joke, Joe Rogan is a scorpion.

All right. And you're scorpion people. Thanks, Alex, for joining us. And that was a quick little blurb by Alex Jones. And you guys had Alex Jones. We had him on the pot. We have them on very small blurbs, very small spurs because it gets too much. He heats up.

He heats up the room. He literally heats up the room. So in his veins, he gets these giant veins. And he's younger than me. But bring up Alex Jones for a second. I want to just, I just want to point out that that kind of agro energy, how it ages you. Yeah. Take a look at him.

Now, Alex is. 27 years old. Yeah, he's roughly, I think he's 43 or something. Now, that's him. There's no way he's 40. Yeah, he's young. He's a lot younger than me, Bob, I'm telling you. That's what's amazing to me.

Hi, Chin. Hi. Good are you. What is his age? I'm a right now. Let's go ahead and look up Alex Jones age because he's, and take a look at him now. He's under some stress because I think he's going to be in some, wow, look at this. He weeps.

Let me see. It says weeps over Syria. Hold on a sec. So 44. Oh, my God. He's 44, dude. So I am, you're kidding. I am eight years older than him.

I'm eight years older. He's one year older than me. That's right. I would have thought he was 10 years older than. I would have thought he was 55? He's sure? Yeah. 57?

And that's the effects of aluminum that is in all of our medications. I don't think so, Alex. And then George Sundar Pachai, who's allowing these communists in China to censor and edit. Okay, so that was more Alex on aluminum. Jim, stop hitting me off. We're just trying to do the-we-year-old. We have an Alex Jones button. Oh, you have like a sound?

Yeah, and so chin. Chin gets kind of crazy. Oh, we should play with the Alex Jones soundboard. That's right. That's right. Make the frogs gay. Ah, shit. Make the frogs gay.

Take that stuff. Make the frogs gay. Damn it. It's not working. And they're making the frogs gay. How many of those do you need? You don't need two different buttons. Well, he likes to, he likes to punctuate that after we, you know.

Yeah, but they're all different. There he is. All they are is different versions of making the frogs gay. He's having a tough time right now, Alex. Yeah. He's sweating. This is what a real. human looks like. I like

to eat. I like to have babies. You hear that? I like to fight. Yeah. Chin. Yes. Sorry. Chin, you got to stop with the Alex phone. We're just trying to have a show. What's new, man? Not much, Daddy. Congratulations to you. We crushed in the ratings. Did you really?

We did. That's great. That's great. Kind of cool, right? Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny is the first time in my life. So, so, so, I was thinking about this. I'm 52 in January, January, January 26th. I'm 44. Yep. Chin. It's okay. Fuck off. Dude.

Sorry, man. But come on. He loves to do it. He loves that button. So I'm 52. And for the first time, I've been doing this business a long time. I started with Mad TV 24 years ago. That show was on.

Yeah. That show started. 1996, sir. 95. 95. I was in the original cast. Yes, you were. So in the time.

You replaced Chevy Chase, actually, in the second season. I probably did. I was fired my second. I didn't come back for a third season. And thus began a long journey of me of having a lot of almost, as you know, as an actor. And then all you want to do is just get one sitcom where you can pay your bills and not worry and just

maybe buy a house, all that stuff. And then at 52, I get my spinoff after doing my recurring. And of course you know that when you get a spin-off, you just go, that's cool. This is 13 episodes. Thank you so much. And then I'll go on to something else. Sure.

You know, because nothing ever works out because I'm Brian Callan, and it's all good, though. Ask Norman Fell, who took his role of Mr. Roper from Three's Company and went on the Ropers. And he said, I don't want to do the Ropers. I want to stay on Three's Company. And they replaced him with Don Knott's, who played Mr. Furry. And the rest is history. And the Ropers went on to do the Ropers, and it failed. That's right.

And if you look up kids, if you look up Mr. Roper, Norman Fell, during the Ropers, he was 44 years old. I didn't know. The same age as Alex Jones. I didn't know that. Sorry, you were saying. So, the first time, so we do the pilot. Now, again, they are piloted errors, I am expecting, because of the way my brain works and the way these things, I'm expecting probably big fall, probably nothing, probably, nice knowing you, it was great. Our ratings are huge.

That's awesome. Way bigger than anybody thought. So it's a first for me. Dude, that's fucking great. You know, of course, I can't relax into it, but it's nice. No, you're not going to enjoy it at all. No, but it's nice. That's fucking awesome.

And it's like Brian Cranston, too. You know, I mean, there's Norman Fell. Well, you keep, he's, he was great, by the way. He was fucking great. Norman Fell was the only one in three's company who would do like a comedic aside. He would look right into the camera. Yes. And then he would like look at your dick and then into the camera, your dick into the camera.

And he would do this thing. Yeah. I mean, there you go. And that's a lesson to the kids out there to keep plugging at it because they're trying to bury us. and thank God for President Trump, who's going to take on all this media malfeasance and lying CNN. I don't think you can give Trump credit. And Jim Acosta, who's out there at a wall saying,

well, there seems to be peaceful by the wall. You're standing by a wall. Yeah. Wall. All right. Chin. Yeah, he went crazy on the wall thing. So I just wanted to play that one for you.

That's, that's cool. That's amazing. That's so awesome. And the show got good ratings. I love it. Now, I'm waiting for it. all to go to crumbling down when I'm diagnosed with a terminal disease. I tend to go, I tend to go, I can't enjoy anything. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much. This chair's way too small.

Look where I'm crossing my leg. I like those suede boots. Hey, thanks a lot. Who makes those suede boots? I don't usually notice shoes unless they're bred and he wears candy on his feet. And I, and I hate the way he dresses. These are blunt stones. I bought some blunt stones, but I didn't know Bluntstone made sway. Oh, they got all sorts of, yeah, they got all sorts of flavor. I was going to say you're not going to get, you're not going to be stricken with a terminal because psoriasis is not terminal. Oh. Okay.

And my psoriasis cleared up. Oh, good. Yeah, 100%. Things are coming up roses for Brian Callan. This guy is fucking winning. He's fucking winning. That's my dad. Hold on.

Let's talk to Big Mike. Big Mike. How do? Feedback on the program. Well, our ratings were huge. They crushed. Much bigger than people thought. That's right.

So I may just have a job for a while. That's great. Yeah. Is it normal to have a first to premier get good ratings? Is there a bump there? Yeah, it depends. It really depends. But we retain 100% of our Goldberg's audience.

So that was good. You know what I liked about it is that you were doing some real acting. It wasn't just old comedy. It was, you know, you reached. Yeah. the art stranger. I've been doing it for a while. Yeah, I'm a talented guy. No, I know that. Yeah, and I understand you take some credit in mixed company when, whenever you're talking about me, I don't know if you usually say, he's got my jeans.

Well, this would have to confirm that. Right? Right. So I don't know. I don't say he's got my jeans. It's me. It's not him. Nothing like that. Okay. Nothing like that. But you just put that out Right. Who's ever telling you that? So you feel good about her, huh? I do. I do.

We'll see. Listen, you know, I'm tempered. You've been in this journey with me. Who knows? Who knows what's going to happen, right? By the way,

you're on my podcast right now, the fighter and the kid. I answered it. I'm with my dear friend Will Saso, and I am, I'm Mr. Callan. There he is.

How are you doing? Good, sir. How are doing? My dad doesn't remember you at all. He doesn't give a shit about you. Fuck you, Brian. I do. We watched the Pachio

the fight. The Pachiao fight. Not the Pachio. You're embarrassing me in front of all my fans. I love Pekayo. Don't everything. You get some Pachio. You get some fish talkers.

You put some Pachio in. Will is a very funny guy. He's used some of my material very well. I remember that. And I tell you, Big Mike Cowns, one of the smartest people I know. And he just proved it. There you go.

Well, look, I can't steal your thunder. But I'm delighted to hear you guys huge ratings because your mother of their usual negative mindset said, oh, the people are commenting negatively and so forth. No, we got, we got nothing but positive comments. She's okay. You punched right. All right, well, listen, thanks for, thanks for explaining that the proper pronunciation of Paco's

name is Pacayo. No, no, no, Paco. He's got a brother, too, you know. Oh, I didn't know that. All right. Well, yes, actually I did. All right, well, listen, I'm going to let you go back to your thing. Thank you very much.

What is my thing, by the way? I thought you have that $5,000 golf simulation machine in your garage, which wasn't set up when I was there. I haven't used that. It's set up now, and I haven't used it in the world. I just skied for the first time today. And tomorrow I'm going to ski with Melissa, who is sitting here in the room. Yoki cannot because of his knee.

Yeah. And I think it's something you should keep away in the back of your mind. If you cross me too many times, you're going to lose some body part. Anyway, let's put that aside. Why would you threaten me like that? No, no, no, I wouldn't threaten you. Wait, you just said I could lose a body part for Christ's sake. No, well, I didn't.

You okay, didn't believe me. Anyway, I don't like to bring up these realities like my brother's funeral. I don't like to bring that up. I'm working to put that in the back of my mind. Okay. I'm putting the back of my mind. Are you suggesting you murdered your, this is getting really dark? Oh, man.

I'm glad to hear that. That's what I call it to get. By the way, I didn't send you an email, said, how did they show go? You didn't bother to return. Well, I'm used to that. No, but I sent it to you to mommy. I didn't forget because I'm looking for any apologies. All right.

Well, listen, Big Mike, the people like hearing from you. Maybe I misread that. No, I've just been, this is the fighter and the kid, and it's lowest common denominator stuff. But the other one where you would always say, I'm... Oh, that's the Brian Callen Show, which I'm going to reboot. And then I'll have you on. When he gets out there? Yes, I will.

Yes. Okay, good. All right, bye, bye, bye. That's my dad. He threatened me. He just threatened me. Prove positive that the Callan bloodline runs cold, and these are cold-blooded aliens. Wait a minute.

And I've seen it, and you voted for Hillary. I didn't vote for Hillary. And your father voted for Hillary. No. And she's evil. No. And your friend, Joe Rogan, and I love Joe. Okay.

And we go back a long time. That's right. Would not have me back on the show. Well, you were a little crazy on the show. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, Mike Callan, the same thing. And he wants to be on your program. Yeah. And you say you're going to reboot the Brian Cab, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

Chin. Don't play Alex Jones anymore. My bad. What's going on with you, man? Are you working on shows? You're doing louder milk? Yeah, louder milk. We finished shooting, and it's finished.

But you said you have to be on set today. I'm guessing. I'm doing a few little couple episodes here and there. Of what? Mom, CBS. Oh, yeah, Mom. You playing the mom? No, that's Allison Janie.

That's not funny. That's not that funny. It's pretty good, dude. Yeah, so we're doing that. I'm doing that right now. Yeah. And then I'm working with your dear friends, Marshall Cook, and Chad Colchin. Love those guys.

On a new thing that, a short that, well, Marshall and I made a short, and now we're all, we're developing it with the co-bobobobobo. That's a great short. Your boy, Pete Fairley, was nominated for something. He won. He won a Golden Globe for Green Book. Wow. He directed that? Yeah, he directed it.

Damn. Yeah. Yeah, he won a Golden Globe for Best. in the comedy musical. He's got to be one of the nicest people I've ever met. He is the nicest, he's one of the nicest guys in the world. As a matter of fact, you know, I first worked with Pete Farrelly on the three Stooges and met him a few years before that, but just the nicest guy.

And one of the dudes who was in the stooges, Chris, Deemontopoulos, you know Chris. Yeah. He emailed myself, Pete and Bobby Farrelly and Sean Hayes, who played Larry in the movie. Love Sean. And he was telling Pete. He was telling us about this dude he ran into at a hardware store. And he told us his whole story. He was like, oh, yeah, me and my dad used to watch Stooges.

And he loved the new movie. And he said some complimentary things about the movie being sort of like the old Stooges. And Pete writes back, hey, did you get that guy's number? I want to call him because his father has passed away. And that's Pete. Like, he's like, did you get that guy's number? I want to call him. He'll just cold call people.

Do you know, I heard a story about Pete and his brother. And I don't know which one did it, but his father, Pete Fairley's father. was a doctor. Doctor, yeah. And so they're sitting down, and they're about to watch a football game on a Sunday morning. And Pete is like, ah, God, man, I had such a night last night. My ass is killing me. And his father goes, what?

And he goes, no, my ass, my ass is, I don't know. I just, I went crazy last night. And he goes, what do you mean your ass is killing you? He goes, I don't know. My asshole's killing me. I don't know what the hell to do about it. And his father, who's a doctor, is like, well, what, your ass is. the muscles or what?

He goes, no, the inside, the ass, my asshole. His father goes, God damn it. Well, show me your ass. What are you talking about? So Pete or what his brother bend over. His father goes, what the hell? You know, his father's a doctor. He's like, you know, you got a son's.

And he looks at it. And Pete had stuck a condom in his ass. That's Pete. Yeah. And the condom was hanging out of his ass. His father's like, oh, God damn it. God damn it. He screamed out.

I'm like, you know, that's not funny. What are you doing? doing? He's like, oh, sorry, what? Is there something in there? That's the kind of family he grew up in. Is that the funniest fucking thing you've ever heard of your life? Yeah, I have heard that story. Yeah, Pete's good for a laugh. Let's put it that way. Yeah, he's good for a laugh. And he'll, you know, and he's, he doesn't really, like, in the same vein that he'll call somebody to talk to them because he's a sweetheart. He'll also just hit you up to fuck with you. Well, I did a charity.

You've never done a charity. Yeah, I did. No, you did. You'd never done a charity. Yeah, it did. And he was in the audience. and I and and and and and and and and and and and and and and the, um, Kramer. Uh, what's, what's, what's Larry Kramer? What's, what's the assignment? Larry, uh, Larry David. Oh, God dear fucking. I'll be there. And then and so the, the, the auction, one of the things the auction off was a golf lesson and I was like,

you get to play with Larry David and stuff and, and it was, we were raising money for these sick children that were going to die. It was very, very kind of moving actually and Jennifer Garner was there. And I mean, and I'm emceeing the whole. thing and trying to sell off all this stuff. And Pete Fairley just comes up on stage when nobody was buying shit and just takes the mic and goes, hold on, all right, enough of this bullshit. We got to raise money. You've got to do it now for these kids.

Let's go. Larry David is old. He's not going to be around for long. He's probably going to die in about three years. So somebody better fucking buy out golf with Larry David right now. And that's how he started. He's just an amazing guy. Yeah, he really is.

He's all fucking heart. There they are. And then after I got off stage, everybody was like, when I got off stage, everybody was like, let us be in your movie. be in our movie we love you so much Brian you're the best what movie hey what movie I heard you're what movie you're doing you doing man quest yet for years you've been talking about shooting man quest no I got busy well yeah but what about man quest I got busy though you know so I but you've been talking about man quest for years yeah I know man and I'm still working on you guys

know about my own pace about a guy who becomes goes from boy to man you know that's something I'm working on boy to man yeah and I don't need you I I don't need you mocking my process. I'm not mocking your fucking, first of all, you don't have a process to mock. Hey, I know. No, you don't. You don't have a process to mock. You just fucking,

yeah, I do. That's not how I go through life. The Goldbergs and then you, this is you. This is you getting, this is you. Careful. They're like, hold on, I'm going to tell you. But I'm going to talk about your process. All right.

Okay, let me talk about your process. Be respectful and be honest. I'm always respectful and honest. You're not. Here's someone who's like, but I can feel like, this is what you do. You go like, hey, honestly, let me tell you. So you're going to preface this by saying honestly,

which means the rest of what you're saying is bullshit. That's you, Brian Callan. Chin. Sorry. Yeah. Here's you. You're doing the Goldbergs. It's going great.

And they're like, oh, we're thinking of spinning this character off. We're thinking about doing schooled and blah, blah, blah. And here's how you add to that. Ooh. And you fall into it. You're fucking. And that's your entire fucking career. No, ain't.

No, it ain't. I wrote down my dream board and I can show it to you. I bet your dream board is a cork board in your bathroom and it's got three pictures on it. There's a fucking a canoe in a lake. There's a fucking pair of suede shoes and a little red chair. Okay. That's what you got. Why would all that be on my dream board?

That's all you got going on up here. I got a canoe in a lake? Because I feel like I'm a canoe on a giant lake. No, you're like, I want to go out in nature. Want to wear in nature? and then you want to and then you like my shoes. So nature is one of my goals. Yeah, fucking going out in nature,

which is someone you're going to be hiking out there amongst the roots and rocks and you go and fall in the water and you wish you had a canoe. You better shut up or I'm going to fucking punch you in the face. I'd love to see it. Dude, you flinch. I didn't flinch. You flinch.

Do you know what that means? I've got some PTSD. If I thought you, I flinched. Hey! Listen, man, don't do that. I do that. I'm going to come in hard with the jury. Man, I told you not to do that.

You don't know how to defend yourself. I do know how to defend myself. Dude, you're not defending yourself at all. That's not going to help. Dude, I'm coming, I'm hitting you. I keep hitting you over and over. I'm Amanda Nunescing the bow. Oh, shit, that's not going to.

Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. It stinks in here. Jesus Christ. That actually works. Oh, that came out of me. Oh, man, you scared me.

You scared me. Dude, you just got out of it as a serious coward. Yeah. You just got out of it as a fart, fart and coward right now. That's not good for my rep. No, it's not. Why would you do that? Because I didn't know that you'd be a fart, fart, fart and coward if I came at you.

Yeah, but I want, look at me adjusting in this fucking chair, man. There's bigger chairs over there. You need to defend yourself at all. Yeah, well, I want people to think I'm a big, tough guy, and you exposed me. You fetled up and you've, you've fetled up and. You fetled up and started farting, man. A fetal farting. Keep your eyes open and look at me and counter.

Maybe I could do some fight training or something. All right, so let's try it again, but keep your eyes open. Not now. Please don't do it now. You got to fucking sack up. Brian, let's just do comedy on your podcast. Sack the fuck off. Come on, I'm not going to hit you.

Just keep your hands up and keep your eye. You're already fucking blinking. I'm not flinching. Man, cowardlessness. When people are cowards, it really brings out the mean in me, dude. I got something in my eye. You're a bully. You're a bully.

No, don't. You keep your eyes open, kick your fucking hands. Nope. That's... Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh, God. Did that come out of me?

Did that come out of me? That's... That's disgusting. Dude, you're a fucking... Oh, it smells like fucking human shit. Out in the oxygen, out of the floor. It works. I can't even come out.

God. Dude, you... There's a little fucking studio. You're a fart, farting coward. You're a human skunk. Yeah. Dude, you're a human skunk. I know.

I'm a big farting polar bear. That was impressive. God damn it stinks in here. So schooled out did. School did good. Schooled out. Yeah. Oh, I have a question.

Ready? Oh, yeah. When are you doing stand-up? Oh, okay. When are you coming on the road with me to do stand-up? Hey, guys, do you want to see Will Sassau come out on the road with me? and do stand-up? Because I do.

I bet you everybody does. It would be fun. I've never done stand-up in a serious way because I'm not a stand-up comedian. Well, you are? We've talked not, and we've talked about this, and the respect I have for the game.

And there's people... Fuck off with your respect for the game. I don't... People come up through the trenches. So what? People like you in New York? I don't give a shit. People like our good pal Chris D'Lea.

You remember over a decade ago, Chris did 500 shows in one year. Yeah. But that's what he likes to do. He would wake up and let's not paint him as a hero. He woke up in the morning and he had a turkey sandwich. And then he'd do a show at the comedy store and a show at the laugh factory.

That's his job. Yeah. And then he'd go and have restful sleep. Chris is amazing at doing nothing. Yeah. He's amazing at doing only one thing. Like he can, he can, he's the most uncomplicated human being in the world. There's a beauty in that.

Coffee sex and comedy. Coffee sex and comedy. That's what he's what he should call his next. Yeah. He's not interested in anything other than. being a silly goose and and that's fine there's room for him there's room for him in the world he's not even into food yeah he's into food he's not really into food not anymore because he's like working out and he gets crazy about that but he doesn't eat he doesn't eat good gourmet food he

eats like shitty you know diner food yeah he eats turkey burgers yeah he's a turkey burger eating motherfucker yeah yeah yeah but guys like that and i'm talking about people that we know bobby lee who's speaking of having a, um, uh, an, you know, uh, uh, an elusive age, Bobby Lee 63 years old. That's a rumor. He's been doing stand up for like 49, 50 years. And, yeah, and, uh, these are people, these are good friends of mine who are the funniest people in the world who I respect. Yeah.

And the do stand up. Now, I, I dabbled in some weird live comedy shit early in my career. Then, you know, then I was on mad TV early. In my career, I showed up on that. Speaking of an elusive age, I showed up on that show when I was nine years old. No, you were 19. You got to be more active. No, Taryn Killen was 19 when he did Matt TV.

And you were 22. You were 22. I was 22 years old. So look at that picture of Mike McDonald looking at Bobby Lee. Incredible. That is the funniest fucking. Incredible. What is that?

Incredible. Jesus. So, Brian and I were talking about, Brian was being very generous. He said, why don't you come out on the road with me? And want you open with me? want you to try some shit out. Yeah. Now, I was just on one of your cohorts.

He's over here, right? Theo Vaughn. Yep. Where is he next door? Yeah, but don't, don't knock on the, just keep talking. Well, he's banging on the fucking shit when he's... I know, but... All right, anyway.

Just stick to what you're saying, dude. So, and he was like, oh, you know, why don't you try a stand up, bro? You could be like, you could be out there with a bag of potatoes just being gang gang, gang. That's my... I'm working on it. It's a really good Theo. Yeah. You'd be out there with a bag of potatoes and a can a can of cool whip.

Yeah, that's good. So, um, it's good. Yeah. So, uh, and we're talking about it. And I thought, because I used to do a character that did stand up. We started it on the 10 minute podcast, David Greco. Yeah. And then I would go out and do this character.

But it was too charactery, right? Like it's a right. So why don't you just do stand up as Will Saso? That's a good idea. Yeah. But what if I did this? Will Saso. But what if I did this?

Yeah. What if I did stand up as Will Saso? Yeah. But I call myself something else. Great. Awesome. Just come out and just stand up as Will Saso being somebody else. And I call the guy maybe he's something like Jeff.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeff. Okay, great. So Jeff. And then I just look exactly like me. Maybe I'll just wear some hip glasses. Okay. I used to wear glasses, but now I got LASIC. So you don't wear glasses, but you have imaginary LASIC?

Yeah, I'll wear some, like, fake glasses. Got you. Like Randy Jackson would wear on, on. Okay, so you need, what you need is to hide behind something initially. American Idol. Why don't you come out as a, in a mask? Here's why I don't. Come out in a mask and do stand-up.

Yeah, like a Halloween mask. Just come out. Here's why I don't do, here's why, here's one of the reasons I don't do stand-up. I don't give a fuck to share my opinion, uh, with a lot of people. And I feel like stand-ups are true stand-ups, like yourself, are. born you have a lot to say you have a lot of opinions you no i don't yeah you do no no i got nothing to say i'm not trying to say i got nothing to say you're making all these excuses for why i'm not making excuses you could be one of the great standards right that's that's very wrong oh you could

well see pair of those pair of those like come out come out i tell you what feature for me horn rim glasses in a bryan mask what yeah be what yeah why yeah why don't i just be uh your bryan callan's warm up. I'll be giganto Brian Callan. Yeah, you're giganto Brian. Yeah. And I come out and Brian's your, your nickname. Yeah. And I'll get a silicon mask made. Yeah. And it'll look like you. People get freaked out. I would pay, I would pay $10,000 for that. I'll come out in a skin tight cashmere sweater and skin tight jeans. I don't work. I don't do that. I'll just just like you and a pair of kids fucking shoes. What are those kids? No, they're fucking Adidas. A-hole. All right. We'll say that.

They'll say that to me. Well, they're cute. What are you? Size five? Oh, my 10 and a half, you son of a bitch. 10 and a half. So, and then I'll come out there as, no, no, no. Well, what I, here, let's be, let's be real.

Yeah. Let's be real. Yeah. Okay. And I'm, and I, here's, let's be real. I, well, I'm busy, you're busy. You're busy in Hollywood. So it's no excuse.

You're out there doing your thing. Yeah. I just feel like, if you haven't done. done stand-up, if you haven't done stand-up, and then all of a sudden you run out there and you start doing stand-up, it's kind of like, it's a cheat. I don't like that. I totally disagree. No, because look at guys like Michael Richards, and then he's up on stage saying the N-word. Now, I'm not saying that's an eventuality, of course. I'm not saying that's an eventuality for someone who hasn't traditionally done stand-up. You're a racist son of a bitch, so I wouldn't put it past. There's a

huge probability that I'll be saying the N-word. Jesus, at any point when I become even a little flustered. Why would you do that? And that's a risk because being up on stage is no joke. No, but I know. And then I'm just, N-word, N-word, N-Ward. The racist thing, that would be terrible. Yes. And then it'll be gone forever. That's right. Gone forever. Bannished to the forest

having homosexual sex in coffins. All right, listen. With John Kerry. Jesus, turn that. And it's true. I know. It's not true. Chin. Yeah. Sorry. Stop trying to, he's like, hijacking the show. I know. So here's my thing. It's like,

Like, primarily an actor. I make shit that goes nowhere and whatever. And then you're up there telling, oh, hey, anybody. And telling jokes, it's like, stand-up is such a specific thing. And like I'm saying- You know what he's doing right now? No, I'm not. He's making excuses for why he's not going to do stand-up.

Like, I'm so bored with his long explanation. I don't give up a fuck. Here's the thing. I don't want your audience going, because it is boring. It's like, oh, here's this guy. Just get up and be funny. I know you know how to do that. I would like to, here, I'll come out with you.

I'll come out with you. We talked about this. We talked about this. So I'm not trying to like, you know, I'm not trying to get on the air and do a bit. I'm not trying to like avoid what you're talking about right now. Have a different conversation than what we had before. Right before the new year, Brian was like, why don't you come out, do some stand up with me? I was like, that's very generous for you, Brian, because, you know, Brian packs the house.

And I'm a great guy. And you're good. Oh, no. So, and that would be fun. I just, I just, I'm a weirdo, and I feel like creatively, I would like there to be something. It's not a, it's not a, it's not a, it's not something to hide behind. It's something to make it interesting for me so that I could be creative. Because I don't want to.

Hey, let's go some current events, man. Yeah, but you fucking wanted to talk about this shit. Give me, same. Hey, give me some current events. Man, shut up. Same thing happened on Theo show. He's like, well, what would you do, gang, gang. And I was like, I, I.

Here's what I would do it. And it was like so fucking boring to talk about it. You got to do it. Well, Alex, you can't do stand-up comedy. I want to do stand-up comedy. What would you say? Your friend Joe Rogan said that I could come out to his concentration camp.

He didn't say that. In Valencia, do stand-up for all the people out there, and he's harvesting their organs. No, he doesn't. And Google is evil. No, that's not true. And they,

yep, and Sundar Pachai is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, uh, let's go to the current events. All right.

This was a crazy, creepy one. I'm sure you guys heard this, but, oh yeah, right. Some random dude. Wow.

Yeah, just went up to a house. He may have obsessive, compulsive disorder. So he started licking up doorbell. David Sedaris used to have to lick all the doorknobs on his way home. If you ever read,

he talk pretty someday. That's hilarious. Is that true? It's a great book. David Starris had, uh, he would have to lick all the doorknops. And his mother's like,

you were licking the doorknobes again. And when you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, you do these really weird things like count every other square as you're walking home. And when you mess up, you have to turn all the way back and start again. They do these crazy things. So this is, but let's watch this.

This one feels more like it's a sexual thing. Yeah, I agree. I don't know that this is obsessive. It might be just a fucking pervert, something in his brain. I'll play this little news clip for you so you can see it. Weird way.

to ring in the new year. A home security system caught a man on camera. Look at this guy. A doorbell in Salinas. Police say Roberto Daniel Broyo spent three hours licking and poking around the yard.

The homeowners, they were out of town, but their kids were home and they didn't hear anything. It was only when the surveillance system notified the family. And he was looking directly in the camera. Outside that they saw the bizarre behavior and they called police officers. Gary.

Who will likely face misdemeanor charges. Poor guy. I've never really wished for an electrical short. That is. That is. Creepy. Yeah, that goes beyond to always sick. I wonder what his tongue felt like after licking a doorknob.

And what do the cops say, sir, you got to bring in because you were looking at door. Don't don't lick a doorbell. Well, they're saying they're going to give him a misdemeanor. Well, what are you going to do? You lick my door knob, my doorbell clean. Yeah. Yeah, it is a weird one. Well, you're trespassing. Not really, actually. I don't think you're trespassing when you, so, so you're not trespassing because when a UPS guy goes up and brings your doorbell, it's not trespassing. That's very good. So.

But can a UPS guy ring your doorbell for three hours with his time? I don't know that he was ringing it. He was just keeping it clean. That's my point. No, I don't know that he was keeping it clean. He's making it dirty with his filthy mouth. Yeah, and he was also looking into the camera periodically. That is the creepiest shit I've ever seen. Yeah, so creepy. That's super creepy. He looks Oh look he's going in When you think about a guy

Your children are home by the way And when you think about a guy like that You just you're happy you have guns and a mean dog Well ring.com ring is this thing where they You know it's pretty widely available And it's a you know it's a camera that goes on your thing And what they should do is put tasers in it In that little I don't know if that would make sense

Or put some of my fart gas in there Okay that's a good idea Yeah Yeah So a little chamber girl open and yeah yeah then he'd be like he's probably a sicko

he would love to he would love to smell my ass and lick my doorbell you could have come outside and grabbed him and pushed your butt on if you were home with your girl or something and that guy was doing that what would you do I would send the whoever the I would send the girl

out there oh I forgot you were a fart fart and coward I forgot about that I don't want to go out there ah shit well go out there yeah no I'll open the door crack and fart and expose my and expose a condom in my ass and then just fart out a condom onto the thing

and hope that scares him. Yeah, this is a real problem. And I love where we are in technology. I love two things. I love technology and the internet. Because not only is this technology available, it's going to record them because it is going to have a tough time getting a job.

Yeah, yeah, because there's his name right there and we can read it. Daniel Arroyo, you're never working again. Unless there's a Unless there's a job that you could do a licking doorbells. Now, that's some good stand-up jokes. Now, that's some good. I got some dirty door-door bells.

All right, let's see the next. That was just awful. All right, this is another one about technology, too. So this is a Hong Kong. And IKEA to Hong Kong, someone was able to hack into their big monitor in the front and show this guy masturbating. And then the woman that was... And put it up on the screen.

Yeah, they hacked into it. And the woman trying to... Instead of unplugging. Some people are just full of mischief. So they're just, it's a solo act. It's masturbating. And then you'll see the worker come out. It's upside down.

She gets a towel. A towel. They don't try to unplug it. They got a towel. Yeah, put a towel over it. You go ahead and break that screen is when I went there. That's a good idea. She's probably panicked.

Yeah, that's probably it. Probably farting. I'm not the only one. It's not the only one. It's not just, yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's good shit. And that should happen in Times Square.

I can just see that mischievous person. Just, Mm-hmm, put some boring. What other kind of sexually deviant stories of the day do you got? Sexually deviant. This is not so much, but all right, I'm sure you guys know about this too. So Kevin Hart, you know the controversy about him hosting the Oscars? And then-

Haven't heard about it. Wasn't aware of. So he went on Ellen recently, and it seemed like he was going to, you know, be going back on because she was, like, standing up for him in a certain way. But it turns out he's not going to do it. He's not going to do it.

Well, what is she? It's not like she can just say, hey. No, I think she was just trying to convince him, like she has friends at the academy. Oh, I see. He's so awesome. That's a, that is a loss for the Oscars, not for Kevin Hart.

Absolutely. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's like, and you know, this is part and parcel to my point. Kevin Hart is a true comedian. Yep. And he's out there saying, if I am fucking around and I make a joke, not only is it something that I'd like you to lean off of and just realize I'm joking around, I say a bunch of shit, but certainly don't go digging up my past from 10 years ago.

And rather than apologize, I feel like someone in, if this makes sense, regular wings of show business, would you say, oh, yeah, I'm sorry. but he has a responsibility. Well, of course you can't. So sorry he doesn't do anything. So there's no such thing. You can apologize to the moon and back. And you're still a piece of shit according to those Twitter spirit.

Absolutely. There are just people who don't give a fog. There are people that are. And it's usually those A-holes on the far fringes. And they, nothing you can do. It's two to five percent of people who are pretending to be offended. But the problem is. Rather than allowing human.

beings to make mistakes or have their opinions and as if we're all supposed to, first of all, think and behave the exact same way in order for us to get along. That's just not necessary. But you didn't notice the way I apologized. Here's the way I would apologize. And I just did. I would go, I'm sorry. That's it.

Yeah, I would just go. It's not about, I scratch my neck and I go, I'm sorry. Right. And that's just sort of like you just offer the apology. It's just as sincere as if I'm not saying, I'm sorry. and if they don't take it, uh, fun. The problem is, I think if I was in, if I was in his position,

I would have just said, yeah, I'm still sorry. And see if they took that. Yeah, but they won't. Because they won't. And then by the way, so he didn't even have to, I'm sorry, I'm cutting you off and acting like Brian Calh. Um, yeah,

I'm being like, just like you, when you, yeah, but I know it's your podcast, but yeah, but don't, okay, but you cut up, you cut off a lot of people. I know, you cut off and where, you ask people to come out and then you cut them the fuck off. No, I don't need to do it. Okay, but so I'm doing it. you so I apologize in advance for being like you.

Don't say that. Don't keep couching it that way. It's going to kick me out. But the thing about, the thing about, you know, Kevin Hart is that he, he instead wants to,

you know, stick by his guns again, you know, because he's a, he's a comedian. He's doing it under comedic auspices. And he feels like, look,

I have to protect the game. I have to protect the right of a comedic artist to, to say whatever and be, albeit it could be wrong. It's a decade later, and all I'm saying is say, yeah, I'm sorry. Okay, anyway, what were you going to say? I'm glad. Okay, well, no, what I'm saying is that whenever you have any kind of a movement, whatever it might be,

but Twitter is its own movement, but certainly like you have these far fringes, and let's just take the far left, which I have a problem with, it's any time you have a group of people saying the same things over and over again, you are not going to have room for nuance, for the human condition, for a mistake, and for correction. You're just going to have what's called ideology, which is you either tow the line word for word or you get disqualified, destroyed, just, you know, marginalized and all that. So, you know, the people that are marching for equality or whatever it might be are just as tyrannical a lot of times. How do you mean? It's, well, if you don't tow their line, if you have a different tact, if you have more of a nuanced approach, if you have a different methodology, you're considered the enemy.

And so you are then marginalized and you are then excluded and publicly shamed. Yeah. And they don't change anybody's mind. You're not changing anybody's mind. You're not persuading the other side over to your side. Well, you're just sanctioning. You're just, yeah, you're sanctioning and censoring. Two things.

Number one, this chair is no more comfortable when I reclined. Okay. Yep. And the other thing I was going to say is you're right because it's like what you said about Twitter. Twitter is unto itself its own sort of breeding ground for opinion and shitheads. Yeah. And so. Or angry people.

I think for that reason, it's really nothing to pay all that much attention to because it's like it's something that just exists. on Twitter. There's no way... Listen, don't they? Huh? Don't corporations listen to the show? Oh, look. Yeah, you're right. You're right about that. They listen to the noise. Yeah, I know. They do. They do. But there's no way yet to sort of pull what the general populace are thinking until they put a chip in behind our ear.

I don't have a chip in. Yeah, and your friend Joe Rogan is implanting chips. No, he's not. Yes, he is. I can tell you he's not. He's harvesting organs. He doesn't have a fucking organ harvesting. In Valencia, and he's got a bunch of black market doctors harvesting organs. Oh, he's got them doing Falun Gong and Falun Daufa

meditation. No, he doesn't. And it's keeping their spirit clear. And then he's harvesting the organs and selling it to George Soros, who's spreading this around. What's he doing with the organs? And those are being used for rich oil magnates. Oh, and they're

caldrons? Yes, and they're caldrons. And they're eating too much fatty foods and pork. And they're, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, uh, All right. And then they have these health problems, and they're getting a brand new set of kidneys from your friend, Joe Rogan. And I love Joe. And he's a great guy.

Well, you're saying he's smarter than me. But you're saying he's just, he knows just as much as I do. And he's implanting chips. So until, chin, I mean, there's only a few minutes left here. Can you? So until you can't just pull the general population. So corporations, you're right, are looking at all. here's what's going on on Twitter.

It's such bullshit because if you just stop someone on the street and you go, should Kevin Hart host the Oscars, fucking a certain percentage of them are going to go, who? Because they don't give a fuck. And the show is over. You watch the Golden Globes, then it's over. Yeah.

It doesn't matter fucking anyway. People win Oscars and then they end up doing commercials and shit. That's right. Nothing matters. All right. Let me, let's get down to the next. All right. Next one.

This is an amazing. rescue by a helicopter. Oh, yeah. Right here in the French Alps. Yeah, I've done this. Did you say right here in the French Alps? Right there in the French Alps? He's not good with geography.

He's not good with geography at all. But check this out. Look how close the helicopter gets to the mountain. This is Risky maneuver. What? Look at that. What? Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yo, those blades are like. I know where those blades are, bro. I don't have to have you tell me. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. They're very close to the snow. Very steady hand here.

Very steady hand. Dude, how about that? How about getting rescued? How about that shit? Hey, don't climb mountains like that or you die. Look at that shit. Yeah. They just scoop that dude.

Really fast. I wonder what happened. Isn't that incredible? And that's a drone because Jeff Bezos is going to deliver all of his Amazon deliverables by drone. And you're a sheeple because you think that there's actually a person. God damn, Alex, shut the fuck up. Because you grew up watching Airwolf. Shut up.

Alex, how did they get that? Oh, I see. Okay. I think one of the rescue guys was shooting it on the other side. Oh, my shit. On his GoPro. That is badass. I've done a lot of rescuing, and I never did anything like that.

You know what? One rescue. Name one rescue you did. That we would know about. Don't make anything up. You don't know about them. I don't advertise when I go behind enemy lines and rescue people. Okay.

So why that's a top secret shit? What did you do? Did you go into the DMC between North and South Korea? I've been there. You have not. familiar with it. Oh, you would get ground up by... You don't know what I was doing.

I'm not coming in a helicopter. Do do, do, do, do, do all loud and shit. You just go in by yourself and slippers? No, I go on horseback, bro. Horseback? Yeah, horses are loud. Or sea eagle. Sea eagle?

You fly on an eagle? Sometimes because they're quiet as fuck. So what do you do? Do you have like shoulder harnesses? First of all, I died and I get my weight way down, way the fuck down. Right. Then I strap myself on to the back of a sea eagle. You strap yourself to a...

Oh, go! This means go. Oh, you have to command the eagle. I say, go, and it just goes, foo, foo, f, f, you're like De Nera Stormborn on Game of Thrones, but you're on an eagle instead of a drag. I am that. Well, that's what your next show should be about.

And I administer, I administer medical. You should pitch that for schooled. Yeah. That coach Miller. Yeah, coach muller. A sea eagle to work. And you should just, and it should just be, you'd never draw. attention to it.

Yeah. You just have a scene where, like, Tim Meadows is showing up in, like, his car, and then you show up and eagle drops you off. And then you guys have a conversation in the cold open. Yeah. Fucking sneeze. And you never, and you never call attention to it. Yep.

I like that idea. Thanks, buddy. What's the next, goddamn? The next one is this guy, Jeff Bezos. So he fought for divorce for his wife of 25 years. And I guess he didn't sign a pre-up, but it's supposed to be. split 50-50. It was going to be impossible to do that.

She was an accountant at Amazon before. It was Amazon. Oh, wow. So she'll be the richest woman in the world. And there he is. No pre-nup? He was, it's funny, if you look at him there, and then if you look at him now, what he's done is he's hired, he's been taking some testosterone, hired the trainer.

He's got a stylist, but. Oh, is that an old picture? Yeah, that was him back in the day. Go back to him again. By the way, you know, look, he got a, he got a, he, he, got he's been married a long time he got tired of his girl and if his wife was uh initially an accountant at the company yeah under the you know under the the way that the divorce uh and and and you know splitting up the money is is governed currently she she deserves all of it because he's a fucking

idiot here he is look at him there what wait what there oh that's hilarious oh that is that is too awesome is he did he get a jaw implant yeah he's jeff bezos now he's yeah he's never he's like he's got a nice cleft in his chin now he's the man he went from being dorky guy to being the man he's got tight shirt on was there a picture of him next to the rock chin yeah that was weird i don't know why they did oh that's hilarious look at that that is so by the way vin diesel is shorter in jeff basos and not nowhere near as tall as the rock that's hilarious i hate how they do that in the movies they make vin diesel look as tall as the rock yeah he's pretty thick though the rock is six foot five the rock is a boy wow

what are you done? I'll fight you. I love the rock and he inspires me to be tough. Yeah, he's a bitch. Oh, he does? Yeah. Yeah, but don't. I think, I...

I just unanswered. Just fucking six, seven. Hey, my rock. God! Damn it, dude. That's terrible. Holy fuck, you human skull. Man, you're a fart, fart, fart, and cow.

I'm a fart-fucking coward. I just caught you with literally 10 unanswered punches behind the ear, and you, you, you, you can't. kept me away with that. God, it stinks. Oh, Jesus. All right. Oh, man. Jesus Christ. Oh, it smells like a fucking dead possum full of rotten clams. McGregs of McKenzie Benzos for all that money.

That's when you realize how rich you are. I know who I'm dating. If you lose $137 billion, you still got $137 billion. Yeah, who gives a shit? He doesn't care. But that is a lot of money to give away. Damn. But she'll probably have a foundation.

He'll have a foundation. I've heard good things about it. doing all that stuff. I know somebody that knows him, that has worked with him. You don't know anybody who knows him. I know. I'm friends,

really good friends. And he, uh, he's supposed to be a great dude who actually is very, very keen on making the world a better place with all his money. That's good. That's all right.

It's a lie. Unlike, you and all you do is take oxygen. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. No,

you don't do anything. You shouldn't be here. I'm not what you mean. Where? Just. Don't say in America. Because I'm an American citizen, as well as a Canadian citizen. First of all, you're a foreigner.

But second of all, I mean, I can go, what? Shouldn't be on the planet. I mean, you should be, but as. I can go all the way from the North Pole down to McAllen, Texas. Dude, you wouldn't survive one. Because I'm a citizen of North America except for Mexico. Not really. What do you mean?

You ain't a citizen of. Citizen. You're not. Oh. yeah um an american citizen and i'm a canadian citizen i can't believe you're gonna go wherever i want i'm the south roman polar bear in mexico eating manny becayo on fish tacos man we watched the pachio all right keep going all right this is a little weird drake so this is back in 2010 he kissed a fan that was 17 years old however but did he know she was 17 yes the big of

How does he know? He was like, how old are you after he was touching her? And then she's like 17. He goes, oh, no, I can't go to jail. And then he kissed her after he did all that stuff. I'll show you the actual video. Yeah, it's kind of like, it's not like crazy, but. Well, she looks like a child.

So let's not ask her how old she is at all. Let's say thank you for coming to the concert and let her. She's so cute. It's pretty long. So he's massaging her here. Why is there a guitar solo? I know. Great concert.

So see, kissing her on the shoulder, neck. All right, Rkelly. And then right here, listen. 17. He didn't know. He didn't know. No, but afterwards, I'll show her. Is he saying she's developed?

She's thick. Why you look like that. Okay, so here we go. This is where it ends. He kissed her on the cheeks. That's fine. He kissed her on the fore. No, don't do that, though.

Don't do that. Fine, that was fine. It was all, it was just, it was pecks on the cheek. No. Yeah, no. He was clearly not being sexual. So his history, though, so he's dated girls that were a lot younger than didn't talk about it. And also that girl from Stranger Things, do you know that controversy?

Like, they're best friends. He would call and talk to her. The girl, the little girl. 11. Billy Jean or whatever, something. I forgot on it. Yeah, yeah, but. Bobby Brown.

Billy Brown. There you go. Millie Bobby Brown, there you go. Millie Bobby Brown, Billy Jean. Yeah, I don't know. He talks to her on the phone. And then give her advice about. lover

relationships and stuff like that. We're so sex crazed in this In this instance though They said this is in Denver, Colorado And I guess the consent age They're 17 So it's not that controversial I guess

So there you go Shut the fuck up 17 Brian No man What I was that Well Here's what's gonna happen

Yeah it's 17 I think in Vegas It's 17 and in I don't know Yeah sure you don't know You've got this well scouted You've got an app That tells you Just the fucking tattoo

all the just on my chest and just different number 16 18 yeah I think it's much much to do about nothing here's what here's what we should do from now on everyone who goes to a drake concert at least 27 years of age yeah I love a disturbing video disturbing video has surfaced shut the fuck you really hate you really just it's not it's not disturbing it's well it's the media we live in we live in a world disturbing there is some disturbing shit in the world and people have to deal with some real shit in the world and this is American bullshit. It's American bullshit. But don't kiss her on the lips. I don't think he did. It looked like he kissed her on the cheek. He kissed her cheek, cheek, forehead lips. He did the- cheek-cheek-cheek again. I saw cheek. The father, the son, and the Holy Spirit. She'll be fine. Everybody

will be fine. Shut the fuck up all of you. So that's the conversation Millie By Brown was talking to I love him, she said, adding that he is a great friend and a great role model. We just texted each other the other day and he was like, I miss you so much. And I was like, I miss you more. He's great. The 14-year-old Brown continued. It's fine. Again, so much. You're just going to catch this shit. I mean, you can't do a thing without people reading into the worst possible conclusion.

That's the Twitter sphere. It goes back to what I was saying. And I refuse to be part of it. Fuck off. Arkelly, though. You do agree with that one. I think he's a piece of shit. And I said, I said Arkelly was a piece of shit.

When I found out that he, I couldn't believe that that video, I never saw it. But I couldn't believe that there was a video of him pissing on a 14-year-old. Now, you do that. That's what I, that's what I. Look that up. I didn't know that. Yeah, make sure that's not. I know he's urinated on women.

Yeah. I didn't know they were children. I want to see if that's true. Because when I heard that, I wrote it off. I was just like, you know, see ya. Yeah, of course. I mean, but I mean, that doesn't surprise me. He's, he's gross.

Yeah. And when I heard that a long time ago, I was like, oh. Yeah. So when that thing, when that shit starts. to break. Dave Chappelle had that, you know, he did sketches about it and R. Kelly pissing on women. Well, you watched the video for which he was indicted and there is a disembodied look

in the grape victim. So she was 17. Calm daddy, urinates in her mouth and it starts her at great length on how to position herself to receive his gift. I mean, gift of... So she was 17, it says, at the time. So I guess that's

okay. Yeah. According to Brian Callan. No rules. Brian Callan is out and... No for me. It goes to Phuket, Thailand, probably. With Jeff Bezos and Joe Rogan. You all believe the girl to be 14 at the time the tape was recorded. I don't know. So we don't know.

But the bottom line is this. I don't want you around me. Yeah. You know? But both the girl and her parents have denied that she and Kelly had sex. It sounds like it's a, it sounds like this might be a wishy-washy story. There was a video, though. I do remember there had been a video and it was disturbing.

There's a video of, now that we're talking about people pissing on women, there's a video of Chuck Barry. You ever seen that video? Oh, there was a video, though, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yes. He says he pisses on a girl and is sitting in a bathtub. He farts while she's banging him.

What? And he goes, that deep sound, some shit like that. I thought he pissed on him. He's got a piece on him, though, whoever that guy was in the video. All right, next fucking video. I thought the quote, the quote that he had was, I'd kiss you, baby, but your face is all pissy. Doesn't that ring a bell?

No. What can do it, Brian? Something Brian does. says every other day. Delia goes, I'm working on selling a show for us. Thank me. I just got that.

All right, this is a weird one. So, Beyonce, one of her fans, she tried to buy something. She happens to be blind. She tried to buy one of her hoodies online and wasn't able to.

Because I guess it's not equipped. Her website's not equipped to help people that are blind to use a computer. So she's suing her for the American with Disabilities Act. I mean, this is,

so you have to have a website that helps blind people? I don't know how to, I mean, what else are we going to do here? How, how inclusive can we all be I'm sorry.

But how is that? How is that? Should I have a Braille website? But it's like all, it somehow speaks to you as you're, you know, as you're navigating it. I don't know how it works exactly.

Yeah, but that wouldn't that be an ad on or a widget or something that you have because you can't see so you would. That makes sense. This is lawyers coming up with great ways to make money. But that has nothing to do with Beyonce. I know, but I guess some websites have that capability.

This is not a blind person. We're fucked, man. We're so fucked. This is, this is lawyers coming out with ways to make money. We're all going to move out to Valencia. Yeah. I mean, this is, this is a bullshit. This is, this plaintiff had a lawyer friend who said, let's go make some money.

Yeah. That's the hoodie too. That's what? It's the hoodies you wanted to buy. Holiday Ansi. Pretty cool hoodie. It's very green. Yeah. I think there's other colors too. All right. But yeah. There's that. I like that girl's hair. She looks like Bianca Bel Air on NXT. You watching any NXT wrestling? No, I hate been watching any of that. Oh, why not? You like Beyonce. Bianca Bel Air? She's a wrestler. You know Bianca Bel Air. Hey.

Oh, I did hang out with a wrestler the other day. Who? A giant black gentleman by the name of a huge guy. Titus O'Neill?

No, keep going. Mark Henry. She's buff. No. Keep going. You fuck. I don't know. It could be anybody.

You might not know him. What's his name? Keep going, brother. Why don't you tell me his name? Shad Gaspard. I know Shad Gaspard. He used to be part of Crime Time. Yeah.

Cool guy. Yeah. We're going to go out with him soon. Oh, let's all go out. Yeah. He's a big man. And we'll tell you about wrestling. We'll talk because I'm sure Shad Gaspard wants to hear about wrestling from a guy he watches.

I'm going to have him beat you up. Please don't do that. Why not? Please don't do that. You know I'm a far fart and coward now. Yeah. I'm going to have him beat you up until you have far farting. fart everywhere.

Fart and coward? Yeah. Fart, fart and coward. Listen, I got to go, I got to go do my show now. Well, I got to go do mom. We got a live taping today. All right, so we both got to do some acting.

Well, I got to do, I have to do more acting. How about I? How about we end this with me beating the fucking coward out of you? Please. No, no, no. Can you keep your eyes out? Don't. Please don't do that.

Now, listen up, guys. Before we go, just know that I'm going to be in Austin at Cap Cities, January 31st and the first and second of February. Are you going to do standabout? I am. I'd love you to come. You're a true stand-up. I'm San Diego.

I'm not a fart-farting calendar. It's February 7th and 9th. And then I'll be at the Vogue Theater, February 21st. In Vancouver? I'll be up there for that. You should come and open for me. How about I come and open for me? Okay, but what if I get scared?

Well, that's the thing. Brian, don't in the show like this. We're going to end this. Vancouver is my hometown. Keep your eyes open. No. Keep your hands up. No.

Keep your hands on. I'm just going to faint a little. No. Hey that. Three, four. Four. Five. Five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, God, and stare. You fart, fart, fart, you human skunk. This is the fighter and a kid. We're... Oh, chair's comfy when you do there.