The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 460 Chris D'Elia

Episode Date: November 16, 2025

Chris D'Elia joins Bryan as guest co-host and the guys talk Chris farting at Bryan's funeral, his Jersey roots and documentary on his shoulders, Bryan's documentary by Steven Spielberg, little boy outfit and bird heavy humor. Also, the guys go off on Constance Wu and Jussie Smollett and talk Steve Harvey, Harvard's Anne Frank controversy, the guy who called 911 on standup comedian Ahmed Ahmed, Uber's Quiet Driver mode and much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men. Can we stand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. For sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken. Chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Hmm. Kids got a piece on them. Peace on them.

Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the honor. Studios in Pliya, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter.

Sounds better when you see it. Live. We're not live. We don't do it live, right? And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. It's not live. This is not live.

It's not live. Well, guys, it's Chris. Delia? No, it's Chris Delia Day. I know, but most... Oh, that's dumb the way it started, huh? You're getting a phone call? Oh, how professional is this fucking thing?

No, hey. Oh, fuck this, dude. First of all, this is too small. The end table's too small. It's not big, it's not fucking heavy enough. So when you move the microphone, I take with it because I don't know my own strength. But that's what they're saying about me now, right?

I don't know my own strength. Nobody's saying that at all. Nobody's saying that at all. All right. You're dancing your underwear in front of, you know, millions. Hundreds of thousands of people. Millions.

Don't say, Dude, here we are, Fighter and the Kid. It's the number two podcast right under congratulations. We did numbers and we're actually bigger than your five podcast. And you guys need to, since you already listen to congratulations this week. And this one is, you're like, okay, well, I'll listen to this one too, I guess. No. Well, I'm on this one as well.

So, hello, guys. And I'm with my guest host. No, you're not like that. My special guest host, Brian Callan. You're not going to take this over. You're not going to take this over. So everybody knows you as Chris Delia. Delia.

That's what I'm saying. So for you guys who say that Chris Delia guy, what's that Chris Delia guy like? No, they don't say that, too. They don't say that. They don't say that they know mostly what my name is. A couple of things I want to say. We performed last night. Okay, and I have pointers for you.

And I was better, right? No, is that? But that's what the, they were all like, you're better than him. We went. And I went, well, he didn't really have time because he got thrown off by the crowd because he has, he got thrown off. No, I didn't. You went, who went first? Who went first?

Me or you, I forget. I went first. So that's what we call an opener. So that's what we call an opener. I'm not an opener. I was happening to have been in the lineup and could have chosen. We happened to be.

They said, Chris, do you mind? No, Mark Hayes, who's from our Ireland, said, he said, would you mind if I put you up first? Because if Chris has to follow you, then he'll be depressed. If that was Mark's accent, he would be sexy, but it's not.

It's a fucking horrible. His accent is bad. Yeah. He looks, he's you. He's the Irish. Chris D'Lean. He's me if like I was on the streets for four months. Yeah, he's you if you came off the boat from Ireland and you had no...

Don't do your accents. My accents are so spot on. It's kind of scary. Let me ask you a question seriously. Yeah. What little boy is freezing outside because you stole his outfit? You stole his whole outfit. Look at that little boy shirt you have on, dude.

This is from All Saints. Oh, and I love All Saints. Yeah. But that shirt, this is a little boy shirt. Okay, listen. Yeah. The stripes that go this way, are flattering.

They're horizontal stripes, for those of you listening to this. Which make my shoulders. But it makes Brian. Which bring out as broad, show my shoulders for the broadness that they actually are. You kind of, you look like you're, you know what you did. You look like you put on the outfit and then grew up. That's what you look like. That's what you fucking look like.

What the fuck my future? Oh shit, dude. Hey, don't put your. Fuck, I put my sunglasses on. I'm glad you brought this up. Yeah. Because I wanted to ask you a hurry. I had to put it.

I had to put my sunglasses on. So obnox. is because your future's so bright. Yeah. That's exactly, yeah. Okay, so you get it. I don't get it because I want to ask you seriously. I want to get serious.

And I want to start with a question. All right. I want to start with a question. It sucks, man. I need to wear sunglasses indoors. You don't. I want to start with this question. I'm ready.

Let's start with a general question. I'm ready. Right? Because I'm looking at you. You got holes in your jeans. Because I live life. I live life. I know, I know.

So let's start with this. And then we'll dilate down. You know what dilate means? I know what dilate means. I'm not, you don't read, but so, so, I read, bro. Okay, but so you read your, you know, you read Twitter and so. No, no, no, I read. No, I'm going to read.

No, I'm going to read soon. Your tombstone in five years, because you do, oh, it's all good. I'll be there. What's my tombstone going to say? What are you going to say at my funeral? You know what it's that? Honestly, your tombstone's going to say? He tried.

It's going to be dot, dot, dot, question mark. It's going to trail off. Your tombstone's going to trail off. No. What are you going to say at my funeral if they ask you to speak? I'm going to honestly go like this. I'll speak. and then I'll go on there and then it'll be like

ladies and gentlemen Chris DeLea and everyone you know when they're done cheering or whatever like I'll be like that's my funeral I know I know and I'm gonna be guys guys guys he died guys he died I'm gonna have to say that a fucking shit load yeah and I'm gonna be up there with my ice Americano sipping and so disrespectful well but I know but it's I know but

funerals are early so so so I want to be like guys he lived life and he he changed the world in the little ways that people do sometimes and also and I'm going to let out a big fucking rip fart. I'm going to let out a fucking huge just fucking. It's going to come out like that and I'm going to go like this. Oh shit. I'm sorry. And then I'm going to take my sunglasses off and I'm going to go with my mouth and I'm going to fucking have two big middle fingers. I'm not

going to do it like they do like that. I'm going to fucking extend the whole things and I'm going to go like this. My new special comes out whenever. Oh my God. You're using my funeral as a launching pad, and you're going to disrespect me by Yeah, I'll take my sunglasses off in the middle of it, though. That's so bad. Can I ask you, so, okay, on that note.

Next real question. So you're almost, you're going to be 40. I'm not even close to 40. No, you're, you're going to be 40 in in months, right? I'm 39. And it's going to be nine months. Right. So, so really, in, like 14 months or something or 15, whatever it is, you're going to be 40. Now, so your audience...

A year is 12 months, but year. So your audience, and you're getting great. So your audience that's young is going to, we know it's going to shrink. My audience goes from fucking, they did the fucking demographic thing. I went to the demographic place. Yeah, and they're 80, team offers. And they were like, your audience

is literally nine to 72. They go like this. And I go like, what? That's a big audience. But what's the demo? And they go like this. They're looking at these spreadsheets and they're all fucking, it's like, it's like,

it's like this. And they're like, well, I'm looking here, but it's just, it's everyone. No. They go, it's everyone. And I go like this off for fuck's sake. And I took my sunglasses off and I fucking walked out of there, dude. Well, who was it that said, who was this? You've seen guys in lab coats and shit and like, yeah, fucking.

So it was a lab? I guess, yeah. Scientists. Yeah. Look at all the numbers. 100%. We don't, they go like this. You know, these reports.

never seen something like this, you know, because they're fucking dorks, you know? So they're like, they're just tossing over fucking page after page. They have, they have lists. Yeah, they're like, I've never seen anything like this. Usually demos are like 15 years or so. And they go, yours is just, and one guy goes like this and he's shaking. And he's fucking shaking. And he says, Mr.

Delea, uh, your demo, it's. And I said, what? Say it. And he said, it's just, it's nine to 72. And then did you go? And he pissed. And he pissed his fucking white. I go, all right.

I go like this. Well, I guess that's how it's going to be. And I fucking kept my sunglasses on and I strut it out of there. And on the way out, as the door closed, I fucking shit my pants. And I didn't give a shit. It went, la, la, la. Oh. And I sat in my car all the way home.

And you heard this. Somebody got a bucket. Yep. And I drove all the way home with the shit in my pants because I don't give a fuck, dude. You just sat in your shit? Yep. Okay. And let me ask you this.

so I appreciate all that no problem so we know that now you're going to be 40 which means you're going to be an adult almost because you're not an adult you're a tall boy you're damn right I'm not a fucking adult dude let's start with a general question so I can help you

what do what do you think you're fucking doing I just want to start with that bro no I want to just start with that general question like stop doing that Because it's my future's in front of me, right?

Take your sunglasses off. We can both agree that the future is not behind us, right? Can we agree that the future is not behind us? We can agree with that. Okay, okay. Now, our eyes are where, in front of us or behind us? Our eyes are where? Our eyes are where on our face?

They're in front of us. And the face is in the front, right? Yes. So if our future, now we agreed, is in front of us. Yeah. Right? Okay. and our faces face forward.

Oh, man. Okay. Now, my future, now my future, what is it, dude? It's too bright. So I have to put these fucking shades on. Otherwise, otherwise, otherwise, otherwise, otherwise. Oh, my God. I don't say otherwise again.

Now, you're familiar with cataracts because you for sure had cataracts for a drink. I did not. Because you're 52. No, no, no. And it's all. Good. No, it's not. But that's how it is.

Don't sit your coffee like that. My guest on my podcast. Dude, it's so respectful how I'm being, to be brutally honest with you. No, it's not. Yes, it is. So, listen, bro. You can't just say general shit like, my future's too bright. How is it too bright?

Where do you think? Where the fuck do you think there is for you to go in those teams and that teenage look? You know what my tombstone is going to say? You know what my tune son's going to say? What, you fucking skater from the 90s? He's going to say, he just keeps kicking. Man. And even still, it's not going to say he kept kicking.

He's going to say he just keeps kicking. But you're dusty. I'm not dusty, dude, to be honest. You can't be my age going, ah, dude, what's up with coffee? You know, whatever your mom is. But I don't do that. I talk about. Raccoons, you know, whatever you do.

Brian, what did you talk about on stage last night? I was artistic last night. I was metaphor. Really? And what did you talk about? my act was a bit bird heavy it was a bit bird heavy you talked a lot about birds

yeah because I'm a bird satirist you're not a bird satirist I'm an avian humorist at least give me that okay I will give you that you're an avian humorist yeah yeah the point is I can make anything funny including birds right

we'd agree with that oh I think you're hilarious yeah I think you're really funny yeah and the people the people would agree yeah that in many ways you could make the argument without being a dick

okay I'm not saying this Okay. We can make the argument when it comes to comedy, stand-up comedy. Okay. No big deal. Okay. And I'm being very strict of my parameters. Okay.

That I'm the best, right? Dude, who according to, I don't know if that's fair. No, there's other people out there that are pretty damn good, dude. But I mean, as far as like, uh, go, go, go, go, right? As far as, what is, what is, well, as far as to borrow one of your terms, like, if you had to come up with a, and I think you've said this before, maybe on a, interviews. If you had to come up with a sound effect for what I do to crowds. Okay. No, don't. No, no, no, no, no, dude,

that's copyrighted. That's copyrighted. It's not. It is copyrighted. Because, because it sucks. And you know why it sucks. Why? Dude, it's fucking so annoying, dude. Let me put in my sunglasses. Don't talk about your... Look, dude. All right. I fucking... So I'm on the phone with my agents. We're talking about deals. Obviously, I got stuff coming in. We got the fucking guys in the lab quotes are like, we've never seen anything like this. We've got deal after deal. And they go like that. And they go like that. And they're like, and the guy comes up to me, and he's like,

somebody get a bucket. Yeah, and he's like, we have another deal for you, Mr. DeLea. And he pissed. He pissed again. His pants are yellow at this point, right? From all the pissing he's doing because he's nervous. Because he's a fan. Yeah.

So he goes like this. I'm talking about all this shit. I go like this. Chris, I say, yeah. And I'm on a conference call at this point, right? And I hear a click, click, click, click. And I say, guys. And one agent left.

And he says, Chris. And he said, what with all those clicks? And he said, the rest of the agents, they hung up. And I said, what for? And they said, they didn't want to be on the phone for this part. And I said, why? What's going on? You know, you're making me nervous.

You're making me anxious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm anxious hearing the story. I've tried to stop this. And I said, stop what, dude? Just lay it to me straight, man. What's going on? Am I getting canceled?

and he says, no. I said, well, what is it, man? And he said, they're making a documentary about your shoulders. I just, I have trouble believing that they would do this. Why would the fuck would they do that? And they go like that, they say, because they're just getting out of control. They go like this. My agent says, no, no, no.

my agent says so go on so go on my head just they're just they're just they're just get they're just get out of control

and I said what and he said are they said are they going they said they said what's the end game here Chris do you want them to be higher than your head

I said, I don't know, you know, I just keep doing the circuit training and the fucking bodybuilding. And they say, and they say, well, we can't stop the documentary and the guys are coming. And then I said, really calmly, I said, what's it called? Okay. And, and. Careful. Yeah. Yeah.

And he goes, and I hear click. And I said, what the fuck did the last agent hang up? No, no, no. that he hung up and I saw now I'm alone yeah I'm like alone on this fucking conference call and then I hear Chris and I say yeah and he says I was here all along and it's my other agent and I was like you didn't hang up he's like no I got back on because I knew the other agent didn't want to tell you this yeah so I got back on and I'm I got to tell you and I said what is it called and he goes like this long sigh he goes

Baboom That's That's That's The last click was me Yeah The last click was me I wasn't happy

I know Yeah So I'm looking forward To your documentary I'm not B boom I'm not dude I had to fucking run

From my car to here Because of the fucking cameras Well I They're not even using They're using the old 90s cameras That are like clunky Because they want to be Obnoxious

And in my face about it I, um, and I appreciate that, and I look forward to it. I don't know. It would be another thing that I hope they advertise on Netflix. I have a documentary being made about me. No, dude. I know. What do you mean you know?

I know. Well, it's so shocking, but I've been in the game. All right, dude. You know what I mean? On a high level, this guy, this junkyard dog has got ribs. Yeah, I don't appreciate you calling yourself a junkyard dog. But you know what I mean? Like, I'm built the bear down.

Okay. You know that. Okay. sure and so they followed me around who okay all right so sure that's a little bit secret but let's just say all right so you can't say that the guy who's the director has done some movies all right that you would know a lot of movies okay sure and uh it's crazy to make a documentary about both of us right it is my so so they followed me around for a month and they saw what I did Yeah.

And, and they have a title from my documentary. It's so shocking. Well, because it's so crazy. And I'm like, that's so flattering. And I agree with the title. I agree with the title because it captures my essence. Okay. And I was like, how are they going to capture my essence?

Sure. Okay. It's two words. No, I know. What is it, dude? It's embarrassing. Can you just say it? All right.

But you brought it up. Okay. So what is it? So the documentary about Brian Callen is called. Kung Fu No I know I know because

I know because I embody It's called just Kung Fu Yes because I embody the Kung Fu spirit Wait hold on How is it's spelled just Kung Fu? Kung Fu yeah But you're saying Kung Fu

Well that's how it's said I mean because I'm from I studied in China for so long But And my master's Okay so they're making a documentary about you When you train as long as I have, you train as someone, you train in Kung Fu and when you don't. And you get to a point where you actually become. Don't.

Oh, don't. You're not? No, dude. No, I know. You don't become. No, but what's embarrassing is the way you're saying it. I agree with you. No, but just say Kung Fu.

I'm not the one who told Steven Spielberg to call it. Hold on. Second, dude. You slipped. Jim, try to edit that. So you're saying, so you're saying that, you're saying that Stephen Spielberg

is making a documentary about you. Yeah, I can't say his name. Okay, so whoever you said is making a documentary about you. Yeah. And they're calling it Kung Fu. No. What?

Kung Fu. Kung Fu. Kung Fu. Kung Fu. Almost. I mean, I'm not getting it? Kung Fu. Kung Fu.

Okay. So you're... I mean, I'm doing it the way you're doing it. There's a little bit of a U, a silent U, but you've got to pronounce the U. Try it again. Kung Fu. Kung Fu. So you see what I did?

Or say what? Kung Fu. So you'd make it go up at the end? So if I were to say, let's go and train Kung Fu. Right. Kung Fu. There you go. Okay, listen. You have to give it the respect, right?

Well, okay, but, but, but, okay, so you're a comedian. yeah who can fell you with one with an open hand all right so you know what I mean and that and that and that and that and they're making a documentary which I would never use okay sure but I have it all right okay so I have so I have capability you have the capability so so in the other martial arts you know that I that I studied for fucking ever don't say karati oh no no okay so you're doing it in a Japanese accent right and that's that I don't don't like that, right? Mm-hmm.

Now, and I, and this, and I know you train, right? But you know I've trained. I am, I am training. All right. You've trained, and maybe you train still, all right? I'll give that, I'll give you that much. You know, I've for six years did jujiz. You know that I've done for six years.

I've done jujiz. It's, right? It's, it's, right? And I've done jujiz, right? Don't, you have to say jujit. I know, that's what I'm saying. But you're saying, jjiz. No, no, no, I've trained for six years.

I know, but it's obnoxious to, it's... You've not trained long enough to actually call it jits or jits. Jiz. Jits. I just say jits. That's not... You've not earned that. Yeah.

All right, so anyway, we've established it. I can fuck you up, right? Like, I got fuck you up. Like, you know, like, does it count as fucking someone up if there's no shots or anything, but, but, but the, the guy goes, the guy who loses goes, no no no dude you you know that i could stop your heart dude right no i don't by the way you're almost 40 and i'm 52 and this is how we're talking dude i would like this is this is so how about that there's fucking guys who do business and like crunch numbers and shit and this is our job yeah and there's

doctors there's doctors yeah but this is our job well i see that like i stopped when i did my last corporate gig i don't think i can do them anymore because they the rules and the the protocol that you have to observe like when you work for google you there is a there is a puritanical yeah i haven't worked for google so i don't want to say this but but a lot of offices it seems there's this puritanical way of speaking and behaving i just couldn't i wouldn't even know at this point it's probably gotten so out of hand you know like you i the only thing i know is from is from fucking school when i was in school but i'm sure it's gotten way worse and way worse since i was in school you can't hug anymore like i so i think my

network. And you're not allowed to hug. So you like to, you creep a perv. Yeah. Well, no, I just like to hug without pants. But you, you can't like, there are certain things like humor. You have to be really careful. Like we'd get, I'd be fired immediately.

Yeah, I know. And it's, it's weird too because it's like, it's definitely like a problem with like fringe groups. Like, because here's the deal. That's right. When I, when I do, I did a show, uh, in Connecticut, a college show. Yeah. And you did?

Yeah. When? Uh, a month ago. Okay. And the show was great. Did they warn you about anything? No, otherwise I won't do the show. And so I did the show.

It was great. Applaus breaks. Everyone's happy, this and that. And then one person writes a blog about the show. And they said I was funny. It wasn't like bashing me, but they were like, this one part was just too, this and that. And it was offensive. And it's just like.

Well, because that's called virtue signal. Right. So this is a culture where if you can find anything racist, anything homophobic, anything homophobic, anything transphobic. Yeah, you're a hero. You get brownie points. So it doesn't matter what your intention. It doesn't matter that you're not a racist or anything.

But if they can just find something anywhere. It was like she had to find something that was wrong with it. Yeah. And it is a fringe. It is a fringe. Because my point, and that's how you prove it, is that the show was great. Everyone was laughing. Everyone was giving me applause breaks.

And then the one person writes the thing. And then anyone who hasn't been at the show, they read that. That's right. So it's like. That's right. But I do think that. people are aware. Like at the end of the day, you're still selling out. It's not like people I can't go to Chris Leah because this blog, but it is unfortunate because one blog can cause,

you do have to answer to it sometimes. Sometimes, yeah. And I just think it sucks. And I think that the press is so irresponsible. Because they'll pick up on these little things that aren't even true. And you know, a lot of this stuff is, I don't even know who's writing it. I'm not, I don't even trust that it's a human being sometimes it's yeah like it's like it's a weird thing because it's not it's definitely not um it's definitely not the majority no like well you know sam harris on his podcast had this woman who worked for homeland security or something and she was a computer engineer and she started finding that there were people she found that they were staging rallies a pro texas rally and then a pro-islam rally or a pro you know immigration rally and a pro you know

whatever and they were being staged across the street from each other and she was like who's doing this and she found out it was russia it was literally russian it's incredible i was roguyen had her on the podcast russia is very instrumental in they have a propaganda machine in trying to sew social discord in this country it's fucking crazy so a lot of times you have to be really suspicious of a lot of that's fucking weird like a lot of those anti-vaccine videos on youtube made by Russian quote unquote patriots as Putin calls them. So just to make us seem confused?

Yeah. Yeah. And it does cause some issues. I suppose. Yeah. It's so weird. Like if I if I was in Russia and somebody and I was in the government and somebody was like, we got to do this. We've got to make American confused by making YouTube videos about vaccinations or anti-vax shit. I would be like,

let's spend our time doing other stuff. You know what I mean? and I wouldn't even think I would be like this isn't going to work right but it does work yeah which is weird

which is why I'm not in the Russian government right a lot of them are kind of loosely paid by the government you know it's a fucking weird it's a very strange

it's a yeah have you you've not have you ever been outside the United States of America yeah dude are you kidding me are you gone are you kidding me

where have you gone do you know that fucking song that goes don't no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I could just be like, man, I've been to London, France, just keep listing cities, dude. I don't know, man.

Have you been to Zimbabwe? Have you been to Zimbabwe? By the way, I said two countries, I said the same country twice already. I've been to Australia. I've been to, have you been to Canada? I've been to Puerto Rico. I've been to fucking London. I've been to London.

I've been to Italy. is how I say. I've been to Toscana. I've been to Rome. Mm-hmm. I've been to Rome, yeah. Did you know anything? Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. When you saw old buildings, do you have any idea of what Rome's about? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Big time. You go to the Sistine Chapel? 100%.

Do you know, painted the Sistine Chapel? Yeah. Who? John Grisham. No, that's an author. What? No, dude. Micanangelo.

I know it's Micarangelo. I know it's my nose and one of the Ninja Turtles. No, that's not. What? I have to get you more. educated. No, I know one of the ninja I knew one of the ninja turtles did the fucking

Sistines and Chappas. I want to know about, have you had celebrities? 100%. Who's the most famous celebrity you've had reach out to you? Christ. Okay.

Like, I don't know if that's Christ. True. Christ. What did he say? He goes like this. Thank you for taking what I've given you and putting it, you know,

exponentially. to the world he goes like this I even I even the all seeer even I didn't have any idea that you could take it this far he goes like that so he was singing the way they do like the Latin yeah I guess I don't know and it was like when I originally put you on this earth I didn't think that you would exceed my expectations but you did

he goes like that it's like what that's incredible Yeah, I know. Did he bestow anything, any rewards to you? So yeah, he gave me these because he was like, here are some glasses because what you're going, since your face is in the front of you and the past is behind you and the future is way far ahead. It's going to get shiny and bright and you need these sunglasses to shield your vision. So he gave me these sunglasses. That's amazing. I know. It was fucking weird, you know.

Did he say anything about the fact that I'll be in Orlando? No, he, what he didn't say, here'll be in Orlando. No, no, what he said was. Friday, Saturday, tickets are going super. Sold out a Saturday, practically. May well be. After this podcast, they will be.

What he said was, if you're a fan of Chris, Chris Delia, definitely go outside of the Orlando improv and pick it that Brian Callan's going to be. there. That's what they said. Christ said that. Christ said. He didn't say fine Calin is my favorite. No, no. He goes like this. If you need supplies, I've got markers

and whiteboards. How does he make? But so far me. No, no. He said, he said, don't go. You have a very nice voice. Thanks. I don't know why you don't sing. Oh, you do. What? Yeah. Well, I don't. You're on Eminem's, uh. Oh, yeah.

I did have the number one song in the world for a while, right? Did they give you money? I didn't take it. You didn't take it? Nope. Wow. No dance. What?

What? What do you say? Nothing. I'm saying. You said, no. And you know what bothers the fuck out of me? I'll be honest. You're sorrizes?

I have no psoriasis anymore. I'm sorry. I'm psorias is free. Okay. I thought you're going down a different lane. Go ahead. No, I wasn't. Don't finger pistol me.

Go ahead. um what the fuck was i saying you know it pisses me off yeah what now i forgot some of all my fans doing something to you oh yeah yeah i know see i know because you know i i get sweet tart tart and ass and then they wear dense shirts that your shows yeah yeah i'm omnipresent

i'm pro omnipresent i fucked it up i'm omnipresent i'm the omnipresent i remember when phil lamar with arty lang we were on we were on a mad TV and he goes it's just omnipresent or something party line goes what's uh what's that mean again it just means you're in art because i know what the fuck it means yeah well don't that tv but don't use big words right because it's annoying when you use big words like omnipresent is like the right that's the limit yeah you start using bigger words well i think that's the

conversation becomes scatilautical and we no wait hold okay see you know what i mean no See? We want to keep It thinks fastidious and... No, dude, don't save the stidious, dude. Not trite or curt, but we want to keep it. Right, right, right. I understand.

I understand what you're doing. Yeah. So I want to talk about, what do we think of paper straws, dude? Well, what do we think? I think that they save turtles, right? And that is wrong. No, because they don't save, and let me be real clear. Yeah.

They don't save two turtles. they maybe did one video where a turtle took a straw out of its fucking nostril. Yeah. Yeah. But they don't save another turtle. They don't. But so what do we do about all the plastics in the ocean? You follow environmental.

100% of very environmental. Yeah. So what would you do about? Environmental, I say. What would you do about all the plastic? Well, what doesn't help? You know, by the way, do you know how much percentage? plastic? Do you know how much percentage the fucking straws are? All the straws. Yeah. For plastic. Yeah. Minuscule. Really? Yeah. Minuscule. And they're not all paper. Right. Only some of them are

fucking paper. Therefore, and let me be very clear, you're not saving two turtles. But if we can just save one. But they did. Okay. And that was a freak. thing yeah what's that well that's the fire what is it so oh my god that's obnoxious you can't you can't what say something and then snap twice well it's but for emphasis you're right it's for emphasis but that's not that's so i say something oh so i say something like fuck this end table All right. Do you have any, do any, because besides spending money on your house and coffee, do you have any charities that you give to, do you have any charities that you give to?

Answer quickly, give me the names. 100%. Answer quickly. Benefits. What are they? So for cancer, kids, NACP, all sorts of shit. NWACP, give me, you give the national advancement of color people. Look at me in the eye.

Sure. Are you lying to me? I would never lie to you. So how much do you give to the N-A-CP? Seven. I'll let you do that. I can tell your thinking right now. Seven hundred dollars? No, I'm not saying, and it's not $1,000.

And I am big on GoFundMe and I think you're lying. I have a higher profiles on GoFundMe. I want you to give to charity from now on. I do give to charity. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Stack it. I support charities.

You drive ridiculous cars. Bro. Sell one of your impossibly expensive car. Do you have a mustard yellow? Well, it's so annoying. It's desert. It's desert, right? It's not desert because I've seen it.

It's desert storm. We should call it weak mustard. It's mustard with sand in it. It's sandy mustard. It's desert storm. I don't call it that. The two of us do. It's sandy mustard.

Okay. Cheap. Mercedes. expensive as fuck well you don't need it I don't need it so get rid of it but I give it to another

a hole I can't have a friend who wears that chain and zips around I know I wear a chain I'm from New Jersey you know no you're not I'm from New Jersey you're a Pasadena Mama's boy

I'm not a Pasadena Mama's boy I love my mom oh I love my mom you're not gonna take that from me you're not gonna fucking turn that on its ass I love my mom you mama Papa's boy no I'm not but I'll tell you what I'm from New Jersey bro I'm from New Jersey bro I'm from

New Jersey. I moved out here when I was 12 years old. That's a fake accent. No, it's not, bro. This is the real me, but I cover it for Hollywood. These fucking cucks in Hollywood. They want to hear me be like, hey, what's up? What's going on? But, bro, I'm from New Jersey. Yeah? And I'm from fucking Montclair, New Jersey, dude.

No, you're not. I've had friends. I have friends. You look at them fucking two times. Yeah. They'll bury you. You look at them fucking twice. Hey, look at my friends twice. look at my friends twice

they'll bury you what was that that sounded like gas escaping I hate that tattoo well yeah that's because you're a fucking communist and this is very no I'm not you're not I'm an American I don't even know you can do that

yeah well you know oh you don't think outside the box don't take a fucking nap on my podcast so what's next for Chris Talia. Are you going to do any movies? Didn't you do a movie?

You know what? Yeah. What happened to that movie? It's coming out later on this year. Where is it? It's coming out later on this year. Do you think I lied about that? Do you get, do you think that acting is going to take a fucking backseat? Because podcasting and stand-up is better?

Well, it's just, I want to do, I want to act in stuff that I can just, that is like, um, um, the interesting to me. Otherwise, I'll just do stand up in, uh, podcasting. Didn't you get offered like a part of, I can just see your agent going, it's for a lawyer oh yeah well yeah something like they were like uh hey yeah it's a cool thing and you play this lawyer on tv and i was like um and you would have jumped at it back in the day and yeah yeah yeah but they were like let's just read it and i was like um yeah no because if i had to do this for eight years oh my god die you'd end up seeing a lot of the stuff inside of my body on the outside of

my body eventually because I would fucking kill myself. Yeah. Yeah. When you're doing a one hour, I wish people could see what that is. It's just too much work. I mean, dude, I, you know, I'm on that show you coming up, you know, which is a fucking big hit and I really wanted to do it because I really

liked the show. Like, I saw the first season of you. It's called what? You. You. Yeah. And and it's great. It's a fucking good show. And they were like, hey, you know, like I'm on a few, I'm in a few episodes of the new season and it's it's um i just realized a lot of the time first of all it's a drama you know and so you're saying you're having fun on set is not necessarily yeah the right word right

well because because unless you have playmates yeah right but and i'm a guest so i don't know the guys so i'm they already know all each other and shit and it was it was an experience and i i liked doing it i'm glad that i did it but fun's the wrong word right if you're not doing a comedy it's not fun, you know, like think about Leonardo Caprio and the Revenant. He's doing his dream job. He's doing exactly what he wants to do. But that's not fun. No, I watched him doing that. I went shooting that in Patagonia or wherever. It's not fun. And being like, I would, I'd rather do anything else for real. Yeah, you're doing it. You're doing it because, you know, it's challenging and you, and you're an artist and all that shit. That's all the argument for it. That's great.

HUD don't care. Yeah, I know. I know. It's a lesson in endurance. I care a little bit. Like, I would like to do some shit like that because it's like out of my comfort zone and it's, and, you know, I would like to act in in fucking crazy shit. Yeah, but I was, like, the Game of Thrones. They did 11 weeks of night shoots. Yeah. Eleven weeks. It's really depressing and it's really boring.

Oh, with all that outfit in your middle of nowhere. Oh, it sucks. Apparently it was freezing. Yeah, it's definitely freezing. You can see their breath. But it's, you're in the background mostly. You're standing. Yeah, I know.

Oh, and here's the other thing, too. You don't real, people don't realize that when you're asking. acting you so like even if you're in a movie where you're one of the leads and one of the leads right even put it take taken take the movie taken yeah uh Liam neason yeah maybe two of those scenes yeah he was like all right let's go I'm gonna shake my teeth in that's right that whole fucking I will find you and I will kill you yeah now he had to do that scene 20 times right 20 times in a row. By the fifth time you're like, okay, I'm okay, I did it. I got to keep

doing it. Okay. Now, there's one or two of those scenes a movie. Yeah. Otherwise, this is a scene. You walk in, you put your keys down, you turn on the TV. I know. And you got to do that 17 times. You do that 17 times. All day. Now, you're Leonison, you're making millions of dollars. Did they give, did they offer you? You audition for the part of the sex trafficker in that? No, I, god damn it, dude. I'm not

in taken, dude. You're not in? No. You played all the sex guys. No, I didn't, dude, you're saying, I know what you're saying. You're saying, I look like a purve and I fucking look like, I don't, I, I don't play any of the, good luck, say that. Good luck. No, the way you said it in the movie. I didn't say it in the movie. They did use my voice for the audio, but that's, but not, I wasn't in the movie, good luck. Good luck.

No, but you're right. You're right about how fucking, like, the, tedious. I said the word first, and then you ripped it from me, but I said the word first. I told you what it was, what it meant. but you don't like like the the the minutia the details of having to smolder on screen walk into a room i remember watching james con i did an episode of uh and for you guys who were young james con was in the godfather and call of fame actor he was in las Vegas he it was like we shot till three in the morning he was walking across the parking lot and they had this swooshing

camera and he would just walk really fast and point and he kept doing that over and over yeah and i was like oh i went the show los Vegas huh you're You were in the show, Las Vegas? Yeah, I did an episode. What haven't I done, you know? Right. That was when I'd see those hours, and I was like, I did CSI, and I was like, that's, I can't do this. I can't be here for 16 hours.

I don't want to do it one hour. Well, thank God for stand up and podcast. I mean, I, but we, we're a little different because I would like, here's the thing. I love seeing that end product. Like, I like, and that's why, you know, probably a lot of you do it. Like, dude, I would jump at the chance to do a fucking thing like taken. I don't give a shit, even if anybody. gonna see it i just want to

see if you can like yeah see if i could do it you know what i mean like that to me that's that's it's not easy no i being a good actor like that is not easy no it's a it's a thing you have to have a fucking uh some sort of star quality and you know but it's not everybody can do it but um but i want to do that shit and uh but but my point is here's the thing it's like i'm gonna if i'm gonna take a break from doing stand-up yeah if i'm gonna take a break from doing uh you know the podcast congratulations but yeah

I know you already listened to this week because now you listen to this one and you do the second but you know if I'm going to take a break from doing it it's got to be something

that's going to put me out of my comfort zone challenge me in an interesting way something that scares you a little bit yeah a little bit I like the idea

of not knowing if I can do it yeah like like like playing a pro wrestler like what the fuck I would never do that and if someone's like yeah they thought

you'd be interested playing a pro I'd be like oh that's kind of interesting let me read the fucking thing maybe I'll audition for it or whatever I think that he just would never even think of myself to. Or being in the Brian Callen biopic, you know.

Biopic, but yeah, don't say biopic, right? Because that's fucking annoying as shit. Yeah, but you know what I mean? That's awesome. If they made a biopic of you, who would play you? I mean, you'd have to have somebody who's... Moranis, right? What did you say?

What did you just say? No, I'm asking you if you saw Honey I shrunk the kids. You've seen that, right? Rick Moran. You think Rick Moranis would play me? Well, at his age now, right? He's retired. Not that, that's young, right?

This one? There you go. I mean. Bro. You're a little different. You got it. There are a couple things. You're a little rounder in the face.

You've got to take it back now. If he was going to do your biopic. Take it back. Nah, dude. You don't want to fucking spindly legs. Do we forget how spindly my legs are? Did you forget? Dude, hey.

Can't get by him, right? Just out of reach, right? Fuck! Rick Moran's would play you, dude. On your biopic. Sit out, dude. See, that's how you get out of a fight. You exhaust the guy.

I'm spindly, dude. Like gong for it didn't work So yeah So that's who would Play you and it's fine I think he's good Yeah Thanks man

Yeah no problem Let's do some current events I'm already bored Well it's been 45 minutes Has it? Don't Don't Don't

Do that All right Is that a sound effect For my shows For what? No tomorrow Are you going tomorrow? I'm going tomorrow

to Orlando. Orlando Improv, you guys get your tickets. Well, if you're my fan of my fan of my... Oh, he looks more like Calin there in the bottom. No, no, no, no. In the middle. I'm getting depressed. Go a little to the right, right, to the right, the second one of the last. Well, I feel like he's my brother who didn't do the sports. Who goes, my brother was the athlete.

That's what he says about me. My brother was the athlete. So, yeah, no, Orlando. And if you're a fan of mine, go to fly to Edmonton instead and fly to Victoria, BC instead. No, no, no. That's where I'm going and you get tickets Where are you going to be? Edmonton.

I like Edmonton. Yeah, it's a fucking great comedy town. It is a great comedy town. It's an oil town. Yeah, Edmonton Oilers. There's a lot of drugs there and you do cocaine, right? Can't wait. Yeah.

Do a lot of blow. Got it. Edmonton was where I saw blow, where I saw a brick of cocaine and a man with a neck the size of a fire hydrant shaving off the brick with a razor blade. Really? Yes. shaving off and break.

And he looked at me and he goes, Eddie, called me by the... Oh, yeah, yeah. Hang over there. Eddie, come do some. And they had straws. I was like, oh, no, it's okay.

I'm in a rental car. I got intimidated because they were gangsters. I go, no, I'm in a rental car. That's what I said. Well, that doesn't make any sense. It didn't make sense to him. He goes, this is our stuff. It's really good.

He was from Serbia. I'm in a rental car. That's how scared you were that you said, Serbian gangster and his friends were Serbian gangsters. Also, why were you in with him? I was invited to a house party and the manager said, These guys are fun.

And I had nothing to do. So I was like, all right, here comes an adventure. And I followed them in their white Mercedes. I then found out, because I ran into one of their friends, that they all went to jail for like 10 years for running a major situation. man look at that look at how good looking I was that's what they looked like but much bigger

you look you look good huh you're a good actor you're a good actor yeah I mean I've been doing it for 25 years so don't just say good right so there's a chance I could be great

right if I open up if I really want no but they say they go like they go in casting he'll be like we get Brian Callan and then you know after everyone's like who's that they go like no listen to me they go like no he was the guy in that's because I play characters that's because I get so lost in the character you don't know me from one rule to the next and here's the other thing you know that I can dig deep right I can dig deep there I am is the Joker no Brian you're you're not you don't play the Joker in the Joker movie that's what what is okay so that's lying right

so that picture is lying right that would just be a clickbait picture yeah or or I'm the Joker, right? No, it says Brian Callan cast in Joker. Right there on the side. Cast as Joker? Does I say Az or in? I can't see from here. In? Okay, I don't know. Okay. Right. Well, you know because you did it, right? At any point in shooting, did you go, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, all right, never mind, dude, you know. You lie.

So, never mind. Yeah. I've done a lot of big movies, dude. There you go. There I am. No, that's not you. That's Joaquin Phoenix. How do you know? I told. Well, so Because of his face. So I guess that picture is lying. Right. Yeah.

Because it's from... We have a very similar face. Animated Times.com. So, yeah, that's not really... You're going to argue with them. Right. Right. Okay.

argue with them that I'm not for joking. Let's go to concur with us. All right. Here we go. So, this went viral. On the latest episode of... Arthur, there we go. I was about to say, hey Arnold.

But on the last... latest episode of Arthur, it came out that a beloved teacher is actually getting married to a man. On the cartoon. Yeah, on a cartoon. Well, you know what? We have this idea that we have to protect our kids from these kinds of

things. That's a reality and the truth and I approve. Sure. But that's a big thing. I literally, if they want to make a cartoon character gay, I actually couldn't even care less. Go ahead. All right. Yay! Yay!

Also, someone with kids, that's a reality. They probably have teachers that are gay and their teachers might want to get married. I don't think the state should be involved and anybody should be involved in telling two people who love each other that they can't get married because I think, but you know, this is a new thing in our history.

This is a new thing that all of us, they won the argument and they earned that argument, gay people and activists who did a lot to get here. And we've accepted it. And that's a big deal, man. That was, I didn't have anything to do with it.

They did. That's a hard thing to fucking win, man. But all of us are all like, you know, fuck it. Yeah. I can't argue that it's bad, right? I can't argue. There are people that would say, well, it's a bad message to send a kids or something because it's, you know, it's against family values and traditional marriage. And there's all that stuff.

But that was up until 10 minutes ago, then there's still a lot of people that feel that way. But in my opinion, the truth is we have gay people. people in the world and they're born that way and they love the same sex and uh if you want to be in the business of justifying why they can't get married good luck i can't come up with one legitimate ethical or moral philosophy to back that up so it's a little disrespectful that they chose the guy who named rat burn to be gay but okay well listen man hey hey give them rat burn no that's that's what they did in the fucking thing you're being super progressive they're like they're like you know what dude hey how about this yeah well it'd be like we

can't fight it anymore you know we gotta make one of them gay and then some guy in the back goes some really fucking hetero just goes like this give him rat burn you know which is like give him how about how about how about how about arthur how about make arthur gay and then i'm happy i'm progressive though i do are i like that osmosis jones goes mr ratburn from arthur is gay do you know how amazing it is that someone who's been on the show from the start, someone who's a main character who's openly gay and got married on a kid's show, PBS Kids really is that bitch. Plus all his students are at his wedding.

I love that. You really are that bitch. Yeah, he really are that bitch, don't you? That's an aggressive compliment. Yeah. Hey, it's great that Mr. Rasburn married is a boyfriend, but we still don't know how Arthur's glasses are staying on his head. It's 2019.

We need answers. Yeah, that person is right. They do need to do it step by step. They should have explained the glasses thing first. There you go. So a student-run humor publication got in trouble for photoshopping a photo of Anne Frank's face onto another woman's body with the premise of what they wrote was that Anne Frank shouldn't have had died because she would have been hot if she survived.

Wait. Oh, God. So do you know Anne Frank? Do you know anything about Anne Frank? Chris Alia? Yeah. Tell me about it. it. So she loved.

You have to know about Anne Frank. What is the book she wrote? Yeah. Like, how to lose a guy in ten days. Oh, no. No, it's the diary of Anne Frank. Right? Yeah. She was in the attic. They lived in an attic. Who did? Because she was hiding from the fucking Nazis. I know so much shit, dude.

And I believe it was in Holland, wasn't it? Shut up, dude. Can you look that up? What's it fucking matter this guy? Well, it's important. You know, and I'll seem smart. And she was sent off to Auschwitz. The only person that survived was her father. Yeah. The whole family.

And she wrote, before she died, I still believe in my heart that she, that people are good in their essence regardless. And her father said she shames me with her humanity. She was an amazing woman, man. A child, I'm sorry. A 14-year-old girl. Yeah. Wow. That's a powerful book.

Yeah. And maybe she would have been hot. Okay. But that's not the point here. They were trapped in Amsterdam by the German occupation. But wait, what did they do, though? They were Jews. No, no, no.

I know that. The Nazis didn't like. I know. I'm asking what the National Lampoon did. Or was it Harvard? They just made this edit with Anne Frank's face on it and saying that she would have been hot. So it was a little joke and a lot of people were really angry about it. Certain things are.

Look, comedy. It's still fresh, but it is comedy. Comedy is. And that is a hilarious. You have to go. you have to go you have to push the envelope in comedy otherwise you're not going to know where it is

and it's constantly changing so you have to do it but that's odd nobody kind of stopped that one before I got public it's it is a funny picture and I think that yeah but it's so easy yeah it's like I guess

I guess people are like this is offensive because of what she did but it's not really offensive because of that oops right you're interrupting me so oops but it's just like Just try a little harder is like this. I agree, but I mean, at the same time, so you're allowed to do that and then you're also allowed to protest it, right? So you're both sides are allowed.

I agree. They're definitely allowed to do that. You're just, you're going to, you've got to know if you do that. You're going to get some heat. Get that as a tattoo. I think that would be a really bad idea. Do it. I'll do it over my whole back.

Live on the edge. All right. Remember you interrupted me? On my own podcast where you're the guest on. Hey, you don't have guests on, congratulations. Nope. You know what? I'll come on.

You can ask me questions Hey, it's me. So Uber has finally given us the option To put a quiet mode for drivers To prevent conversations Who the fuck? Just shut the fuck up Uber drivers Like who Dude

That's amazing So you can get a so you can say I want a quiet dude Yes So on the app you can put in your preference only if you order an Uber Black or an Uber Black SUV that you would want a quiet ride. You don't want to speak to the driver. You may want to do some work.

Just don't feel like talking. It's nice. So they have that feature now, but it's only for their... Uber Blacker. Well, Chris Lee hates people. No, no, I don't hate people, but you'd be used to this because when you're often in a room with quiet people, like your shows at the Orlando Improv and others... Quiet?

take that back what I'm saying do you have do you have do you have do you have an option because what I was did they get this from you because do you have an option on your shows to go to the quiet shows because when I go and I look at you doing stand up not it's not very loud right now you're talking but other people are kind of more it's like it's a TED talk I want to know or no kind of a library there are moments there are moments in my show right where okay so have you ever heard of have you ever heard of um the awe factor have you heard of that so sometimes when you're awed you go and so there's a moment where there's a of respite okay don't know what that means no don't use words like that but there's like in the storm so in the storm okay in the storm right in the tempest yeah no I'll give you a harbor sometimes I'll hit you with some shit where you just go they've never even heard that right right is that and it's called there's a certain what bird joke is this by the way

what bird joke is this I think that there's I've had a lot of critics who really know the difference say there is a majesty to his performance I'm gonna Google those words what in quotes

and Brian Callan and nothing will come up there's a majesty but but the thing is when most of your comedy show would have that quote unquote awe factor

right where's the laughs right so when i walk into a room what's up what's up what's that little boy what what was that little boy no i'm quiet what what what i'm quiet what you quiet you quiet no you're quiet oh me be quiet why because i should be in your audience tiktop that one was extra that was a hard slam welcome to denny's dude was not you owe me to 298 that was an all-american slam no I'm not giving you $298. Can I get you anything else? No.

Keep going. All right. This one. Empire's going to end next season, and then they don't have any plans to bring Jesse back. Well, no, because he's a terrible person. Because he's a lying shithead. And he still hasn't come out and said, I'm a piece of shit.

Yeah. Terrible. I like how he's, we're in the day, the day and age where you could just ride out your fucking lie till the end. You know what I mean? Like people will just believe. But yeah, but some people believe him, dude. They just, they don't believe him.

they just choose to be on his side. But I mean, like, after that one girl at the fucking Emmys or whatever, she's like, I stand with Jesse Smiley. Like, what are you doing, dumb, dumb? What are you doing? Well, again, nobody in real life actually fucking thinks that or is on her side. That girl's a dumb, dumb. Well, I don't even know who did that, but that girl's a fucking dumb dumb.

And also, um, this guy's a fucking idiot, you know? Bad guy. He's a bad guy. He's a, well, he's a sociopath. Yes, I agree. He's got to be a sociopath. What a, what a. Yeah.

What a weirdo and a liar. Weirdo, weirdo, weirdo. I mean, I just have no respect. Stuff, people like who do shit, like, there are real victims out there that go through shit and it's horrible and, and minorities. Oh, like the black, the police superintendent said, as a black man, this guy put a noose around his neck. You know, this is something that I, he was so aware of the racial history of Chicago, lived it, fought as well. through it. I mean, he was just like this motherfucker. And you're going to fucking

just use that. You're a war profiteer. You know, it's like literally like being a war profite. It's the worst kind of person, I think. I agree. I agree. Like how constant, do you see the Constance Wu thing? That's her too. Okay. You're going to that? Yeah. I haven't seen that. Oh, you haven't seen it. Do you think he'll ever make it back?

I mean, not in 20 years. All right, good. Not in 20 years. Real quick on that one too, so one of the biggest things was if he did, if the police found two white people that were that fit the description, chances are people believe Jesse would be like, yeah, that even they're innocent, he would be like, yeah, those

are the guys. Oh, he's a bad guy. He would have, like, put them in jail. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which is the sociopath. Yeah, yeah. He's a true sociopath. Yeah, the guy who didn't do it in jail. He's a bad guy all the way around. But this is, this is another version of that. Constance Wu, and not what happened, but how

she put up the follow-up statement. So Constance Wu admitted she was upset at having to return to fresh off the boat. Okay? I talked but there's a lot of my podcast and you can fucking go look at it. It's not some congratulations. It was like the last episode. But anyway. Wow. So upset right now that I'm literally crying. When they just fuck, they announced they're going to renew the show.

So this fucking Constance Woo. Wow. So she was on crazy rich Asians, right? Oh, that's really. Yeah. So she was on the show. I guess my take is she thinks she's a movie star now. And she doesn't want to have to do fucking fresh off the boat is the show, right? Okay. So

she, now it got picked up. up and she's all, oh, fuck, I'm so upset crying right now. And now and so when they posted it on the fucking show account on Instagram, and she wrote dislike under it. And so sorry you're upset about being on a television show and making money.

It's hard to hear someone complaining about it. Then this one, fucko whisper, Funko whisper. Just think about all the actors and crews that shows didn't get renewed and are devastated. So maybe you shouldn't be so upset that yours got renewed. But here's the other thing. But here's the other thing, though. You're, you, what about all the people on your

crew that fucking are feeding their families that are so happy and you're just going to come in with this fucking ungrateful attitude and what she says after this is just the real thing that fucking got me today's tweets and we're on the heels of a rough day and we're ill-timed with the news of the show. Please know I'm so grateful for fresh off the boat renewal

I love the cast and crew I'm proud to be a part of it for all the fan support thank you for all support casual use of the word fuck thank you too. She's acting like the word like the word we had the problem with the fact that she used the word fuck. Yeah, dude, you're an ungrateful asshole. You're an ingrate.

You're a fucking lucky. Exactly. You're lucky as shit. And guess what? And I said this on my fucking podcast and I mean it. If this show, if they just not even wrote her out, if they didn't change the actor, if they didn't even write her out, if they just

stopped her character. If the next episode started, they never mentioned her character again. Nobody would give a fuck. Nobody would give a fuck. You are a lucky asshole. And you know what?

And you know what? Nobody gives a fucking shit about you. I so agree with you. Straight up. Well, who's the, you're the, what's the guy's fucking rat fuck? What was the guy's name in the, rat burn? Rap, no, in the, in the, in Arthur? Yeah.

Rat burn. Rat burn? Yeah. You're a fucking rat burn, bro. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. suck and here's the here's the thing dude when go to our apology go to a fucking the thing go to and by the last cat the last paragraph listen to this shit this is the shit that made me do a fucking kata in my house alone okay people can hold conflicting feelings in the heart so she was

all going on about how upset she was because she can't do this project now that is that that that because she's going to be in production the show which i get which is understandable and you can be upset about that and still love your crew which is what she's saying here in the beginning. But the end of this, listen to this. People can hold conflicting feelings in her hearts. That conflict is a part of being human. So I can both love the show cast crew, but at the same time be disappointed that I lost

the other unrelated job. Now, okay, fine. Yes, she's right. Also, ill time. You're an asshole piece of shit for saying dislike on the Instagram page. Now, I appreciate those who have given me the space and faith to believe what I say about both parts of my heart. Now, this is the part that makes me want to fucking do katas till the sun comes up, dude.

Thank you. It is meaningful when you make the choice to believe women. Oh, dude, you're going to use. You're going to use. Oh, you piece of shit. This is why people don't believe victims, not done with the sentence, you piece of shit. Now I'm done. Oh, my God.

Dude, you are a fucking... She's terrible. What a narcissists. I tell you right now, dude. That's the worst person. Oh, my God. What a narcissistic. You are a sociopath.

You know what? Have a baby with Jessica. Smolette. Have a baby with Justice Smolette. And then throw that baby off a club. And that baby will come out and that baby will come out and the baby will not give a fuck about anything. No, that baby will rise up to be the antichrist. Yeah.

And you can actually rule the world as its parents. You are, what a terrible person. What a, what a, what a, awful that you're going to use this movement to try and fucking build women up. Ah. The real victims that people were raped. Wow. People were raped, women were raped, and you're going to say, oh, well, I don't want to be on this show, but believe me, it was for a good reason. And somebody who's been doing this for 25 fucking years and failed a lot and didn't get those shows renewed over and over and didn't get my show.

It's so fucking insulting. You don't know how lucky you are. Pick up a fucking newspaper or a history book or anything you lucky, overfed shithead. You're terrible. Hey, Constance Wu, you're terrible. Yeah, you're terrible. She's just awful. Lucky, you're lucky, you step in shit.

And you don't deserve it. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine being a cast member or a crew going back to that set. No, no, no, dude. If I ran that show, she's off. No write out, no nothing. No mention. Just, bro, no mention.

Yeah, she doesn't matter that show. That's how fucking Delia does it. No mention. All right, bro. You are gone. And the other actors get scenes where they're crying. It's a comedy. I don't give a fuck.

They're in the Revenant now. They're in the Revenant now. They get to use their chops. But what about she, but then now she gets what she wants. Couldn't you keep her in and she's just every, every episode, she just comes out and she goes, oh, my feet it again. I got to go back to the bathroom. And she's got to go right back into the toilet. And you just hear, oh, wow.

Oh, wow. And she's just shitting. And you have her shitting with itchy feet. That's good. Over and over on every episode. You know what, dude? I'll run that show on the ground. That's me.

I got a bleep. I got a bleep again. Because it's network TV. I got a shit again. Either that or this is her part in every scene. Yeah. Every single scene. So she works every day.

Every single scene. She comes in no matter what the scene is, no matter how many characters, she comes in and there's a fucking midshot of her saying, would you guys like some tea? That's it. Every scene. That's very good. If there's a football scene, if there's a fucking scene with one person in their bedroom getting ready, she comes in, would you like some tea?

I may have a better one. What? I think in one episode, everything's fine. She bumps into an old lady. She's got beads and she's got her hair. And she goes, get out of my way, you old bag. And the woman falls down. She kind of pushes the woman, falls down.

The woman turns and gets up. And she looks at her and goes. Oh, no, where's her? Oh, yeah. And she fucking disappears. And constant moves like, weirdo. What did you do? Cast a spell?

And then toward the end of that episode, she has one big, thick elephant hair growing out of the end of her nose. That's really good, yeah. And then by episode three, her whole face, and she's got to be in makeup for five hours for this, very good whole face is covered in hair oh good and she suffers the she can't get rid of and it's giant elephant hairs on her face and so she has to shave her face and it keeps growing back yep that's a great character choice for her so her whole fucking season is her she's L hairy face

yep and then she dies she dies because the hair starts growing in her throat we can write her off but her last line is and she dies from hair throat and every episode after that is every episode flashes back to her funeral so she still needs to come back and shoot and it's an open casket. That's a really good idea.

That's an amazing idea. Need you. Lay down. Lay down. Can we get some more hair on her face since she died? Harry and put some hair in her mouth because the hair's growing out of her throat.

great all right so there it is people like this dude hey what a terrible person i'm out people like that go go go go we don't mean you do when you make the choice to believe shut up dude wow she's just terrible yeah is she getting a lot of backlash oh yeah crushed whatever enjoy your 70 grand an episode of yeah that that all and yeah yeah anyway moving on all right so a show that didn't make it is a Steve Harvey show, and then he's being replaced for his other show, that little kids show, little big, what's that called? Little big shot?

Little big shots, yeah. Being replaced by Melissa McCarthy. After his show got canceled, they announced that he's going to be replaced by Melissa McCarthy as well for the other show that he does. And then Kelly Clarkson is going to take the spot that his old show was at. What is his show? Steve Harvey Show. But he does like three other shows.

He makes so much money. Oh, yeah. What's it matter? So much money. I guess he likes working, so that's cool. I think his wife spent something like $50,000 on a chandelier for the closet. Oh, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, dude, that guy crushes, too.

Yeah, is a comic? Oh, yeah. He's funny as shit, right? Now, Steve Harvey's a real comic. I like him. I like that, dude. I've done his show. Oh, yeah?

The Steve Harvey show, yeah. Just as a guest, and it's just like a trip, man. They love him. He's great. I love a comic like that who earned it. A comic. Yeah, he earned it. He's a bad motherfucker.

A real comic. Yeah. Did you see him roast the fucking football players, bro? No. Oh, fuck. It was funny, man. Really? Dude, I don't know if it was like an ESPN thing.

He just got on stage and just started roasting these football. He's the real deal, man. Steve Harvey's the real deal, man. You've been on the road for how many things he figured he was on the road 25 years before he. Yeah, I think it was that. Would you do it? There it is on the left.

It's on the left. My podcast is enough. I mean, he crushed. Just This is such a Walking out like a ball Probably I mean look at

Who he's in front of Too These people Yeah that girl's gorgeous Look John Hamm is there Watch this fucking set All right

How we doing tonight Let me pause this for a sec too They don't I've done shows For only football players They don't want to laugh They don't laugh I've done it too

They don't want to laugh Because they don't want to be The guy who laughs the hardest Because that person is a quote-unquote dork. I've been there. They've got to be cool. Go ahead.

I thought I was going to have to talk to y'all. Let's do that again. How are y'all doing tonight? Welcome to the eighth annual NFL honors. This is a prestigious award. We give out prestigious awards to young, gifted, viral, well-built, chiseled, still got your stomach, shoulders, abs, abs. lots, we give you awards

because we already know you ain't been giving enough stuff in your life so here comes some mo now listen to me it's a lot of stars in here tonight I was out on the red car but I was walking around I've just seen some people here man y'all boys

I'm a fan of what Jim Brown is here do you hear me you know who that is that's damn Jim Brown People don't realize how hard this is. Just this. That's a bad. I've seen some people by myself on Brett Farr backstage, Ray Lewis, Ray in the house.

That damn prime time, boy. Now, I ain't over, listen to me. Tonight, I want you to understand something. I'm excited about being here, man. I've been wanting to do this show for a long time. What took y'all so long to ask me to host this show? Y'all have skipped all around me. Set up here, you had Seth Moll.

hosting the show, Seth. You had Conan O'Brien hosting the show. You didn't pick there, everybody but your boy. I've been a fan of y'all. Look at me. Don't sit here and act like you don't know me. You grew up watching me. I'm a damn football fan.

Your mama loved me. Your grandma. Your grandmama love me. Everybody in your family watch Family Feud. You're going to take your damn time picking. me. You had Alex Baldwin do the show three times. Alex.

Pick all these people. They don't even look like they're an athlete. Look in me. I looked. I looked like I could have played. You know what I'm saying? Seth Mars. If you throw Seth for football,

he don't look like he can catch a football. But you've been dancing around you, boy. I'm glad you called me because I'm here. And we're going to have a good time tonight. We're going to have a good time. You'll name it. Dude, what legends? I need your attention, but we'll have to do this a little bit different.

I want energy from you. The reason I'm going to ask for energy is because y'all normally, the people down here and the people upstairs know how to do it. But y'all athletes, see that right there? See that's great? That's fucking great. When he gets into the... Look at him.

Did you see that? Look at him challenging. Yeah. Didn't that one of y'all clapped down here. Soon as I said that, everybody got clap. Because they know how to clap for people. You don't know how to clap for people. Because you've been getting clapped for your whole damn life.

They've been clapping for your pee-wee football. Clapping for your junior high. Clapping for you in high school. Look at my baby Run Ooh, my baby Run so fast I want y'all

to clap clap for each other tonight you're here to celebrate each other man There's some great ballers in this room tonight This is an amazing

way to do it's an amazing way to do it's making it about them And about the athletes He's not even making it about himself But he's funny You're going to have tonight and tomorrow at strip club Same Yes

I'm all there guys Adrian Peterson He's got seven kids from seven different women God bless him Look at this Look at see you Harvey I love

Some of y'all Some of y'all They're laughing Cause of who you sit next to Look at how gorgeous She is This is Man Russell's girl is

Unbelievable This is a very familiar thing He's doing like the money Yeah You may not go anymore But you've been there just and how about how about how he's he didn't stutter once

and then you turn in your face this is like maybe one of the best I agree with 10 top 10 sets I've ever seen when it's time for you to clap we're gonna call that the make it rain hand clap I want you to get into it tonight

give each other so that what's up boy I'm just looking around here now this is the part where he roast the people Oh shit Right Oh shit

Joe Willie Namel Oh Lord Oh Lord Oh thank you By the way He wrote it as hard as anybody

Yeah Boy Do you know what you mean to me You reinforce The idea That I wanted to be a pimp you want a Super Bowl in a fur coat that's that is girl I hope so

I'm too good at this I can't believe y'all just had me come here I'm so excited here man we're gonna we're gonna have a good time night I don't make fun and nobody I just want you to laugh enjoy yourself I'm smart guy I don't I don't make fun of 300-pound people that can run a 40 and under 4-5. I don't make fun of people who can whip my ass. I really don't.

I've been around a long time. I don't want you to act cool tonight. Take that off the table. Chill, but don't act cool. We've seen all of you in spandex and your hair tied up. Look at those dudes. With your hair tied up. If you tie your hair on.

up to play football, you don't look cool. I just want to say that. Once again, not a lot of laughs on that because of who you sitting next to. Now, I've done something, fellas, that most of you have never done. All of you current players have not done what I've done. Some of you former players are not old enough to have done what I've done. I have seen All 52 Super Bowl. Damn. Yeah, that's crazy. Damn.

I'm 62 years old. I know you can't tell. I love that he's 10 years old. Brian, but you've seen every several years old as football. Aaron and Rodgers with a mustache, handsome. I've seen all the Super Bowl. I watched everybody. All of us are in here tonight because of one person, Tom Brady.

Look at the girls. If Palm Brady wasn't living, y'all could be in the Super Bowl. Oh, that's so funny. Look at Aaron Rogers. The only way I see us getting in the Super Bowl. And I don't know why you ain't thought of it. All this money in this room,

y'all ain't thought of pooling your money. together having him killed have you ever watched a football game uh yeah man you know the sport yeah i do i knew that was joan ameth so how the fuck well you know what a quarterback does yeah tighten y'all up a little bit i'm the quarterback tighten y'all up a little bit i'm the quarterback of the comedy store right hell i hailed right i'm the quarterback of the comic store

no you're not every damn year you guys want to keep watching here we can be in the Super Bowl This is amazing Hold on almost You can't play this right Not a lot of it I'm from Cleveland Jim Brown

Was in the championship game 1964 Look at how old he is So what did you do Cut it out You cut this part out I gotta go anyway All right

Let's go to the next thing All right Quick ones here A comedian Oh boy Ahmed Ahmed He makes it Middle East joke Yeah. At Captain Brian's, Brian's my buddy, Brian Pina, and apparently he said, all that Ahmed,

Ahmed said is how many Middle Eastern here, a couple people raised their hands. And he said something like, all right, well. I can play for you here. Yeah. It's really nothing at all. But the guy that, oh, damn it. It's such bullshit. I told Brian.

Yeah, yeah. He owns the club. I said it's good publicity. Fuck this. Some dummy. Clap, be proud of. Any other Arabs? Clap or fear from the Middle East?

All right, we've got a handful of us in here, guys. But hey, I don't like that's one of us. Do you tell a joke? Tell a joke, that's all I said. That's a good joke. So, so, so, so, so, so, so as a friend of Ahmed's for 20 years, he's a fucking great guy and, and, uh, and that person who called 911 is just an ignorant. Everyone thinks he's an ignorant guy. You're always going to find somebody, but it's in no reflection on Brian, Brian's, Brian's club or on Ahmed Ahmed, and it's just, it's not even, it shouldn't even be newsworthy, but some dummy called 911.

And he was like, I don't think it's very nice and I don't think it's newsworthy because of the guy being an idiot. Exactly. Yeah. It's what goes back to what we were saying. Yeah. Full circle. Any, any, any asshole, right? all right you guys are good yeah all right well guys come see me in Orlando this weekend and if you're a fan of mine and if you're in Orlando fly to Edmonton and don't go to his show no Indianapolis I'm gonna be at the funny

bone June 6th 7th and 8th and then Brennan I'll be in Las Vegas you guys probably won't have fun there and I just found I'm gonna be in Tempe Arizona I think the 20th 21st and when am I gonna be there 7th no I changed that date. And we just found out that. I changed the date to a week earlier. I'm not going to be in Tempe the 27th. I've got to have. And also congratulations to Brian. He's going to be a dad again, a new

dad. Man. You got some somebody pregnant. She's a 50-year-old housewife that's already married. So, congratulations, man. What's going on? Okay, man, he checked out. All right, we'll see you later. I love you. Bye. Thanks, Chris. And a reminder

this Friday, watch, I think you'd be, or you'd be surprised. showtime, 7 p.m. on Friday. Brendan Shab's one hour special. You use the promo code Shob S-C-H-A-U-B and you will get 30 days of free showtime. But watch it anyway.

And if you didn't notice that Brian missed up one of his best friends' titles on the show and it's all good. You'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Okay, well, watch it.