The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 466 Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: July 12, 2026

Bert Kreischer and the guys enjoy airplane whiskey's and talk dancing with whores, dating girls with mustaches, favorite porn categories, sitcom goals, Bill Burr and Joe Rogan pushing Bert to do stand-up, support from Tom Segura, Travel Channel days, how "The Machine" story changed Bert's life, Sober October, behind the scenes stories at The Comedy Store and much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men can withstand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised.

I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Hmm, kids got a piece on them. Peace on them. Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield.

And now from the Honest. studios in Pliar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter. Sounds better when you see. Live.

But we're not live. We don't do it. Shut up, man. And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. Shut. This is not live. This is not live.

So they wanted to make a regular. So I came with his idea, and I was like, Look, the ice bucket challenge, such a simple thing, raised $50 million. Are we recording? Okay, can I tell you the challenge I wanted to do? Do you have the whiskey? We're talking about challenges and raising awareness. And then we're drinking some whiskey.

I drink only really good whiskey, dude. It's only in travel mugs. But was it good whiskey? No, no, it really is. So, wait, I wanted to do, you know, like I get obsessed with promotion for Instagram. I wanted to do the ice carrot challenge where you sit and it's shot from here, from here up. I go, hey, it's Burke Chrysler. I'm going to put an ice carrot up my asshole right now.

But you don't do it, but you see the look on the person's eyes and go, all right, here we go. And it's who can make it believable the most? Like, oh. That's pretty funny. And then you get to the end. You're like, okay, I'm doing this for the awareness of the ice carry. I had a friend of mine and said, he's been in a long-term relationship. And he goes, I just, having sex with my girl is just not doing it for me anymore.

So I've got to think of sick shit now. I'm just to get it going. I go, yeah. And he goes, I know, man. I'm like, I got to sit there and I'm thinking about getting fucked in the ass. Oh, wow. Shut up. I went.

I went. Oh, your friend's Hugh Jacqueline. How is that? Yeah. How is that keeping your dong hard? I was like, that's, dude shit. I got a thing about getting fucked in the ass. I swear to God.

I went, I went, huh. That's strange. That's actually not when we'd get my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, fucking. Yeah. This is what I got. This is what I got whiskey wise. I've got these travel bottles.

Well, you know what? From an airplane plate. That's regular whiskey. I'm not drinking. I will definitely drink it. Okay, okay, I'm not going to twist your arm. I'll definitely drink this. I have an 18-year-old.

Let's do it. Whiskey at home. You should have told me. I did not know you're going to say whiskey. I got an 18-year-old, huh? Wait, what? Yeah. I got it.

What was your other have? What would you rather have? An 18-year-old dancer? You can do both, though. I want a fucking dancers. I'm never going to. I'm fucking married, but I would love to fuck a dancer. Like a legit.

What kind of dancer? Like a J-Lo bass up dancer? Oh. Yeah. I want someone. But ethnic, am I right, guys? Yes. All right.

I want someone who can read my timing, so when she does this, I don't, like, time in with her that we're both moving at the same time. Oh, so that's what me of my life do. You have the rhythm of the night together. Yeah. I need someone to read my energy, to lead me. Yeah. You need a black girl. Mm-hmm.

That's what you're saying here, bro. You need a white girl who. It's rare, though, you know? Yes, hip-hop. It's very rare. Or you need a whore, bro. They figure it out, too. I wouldn't mind a whore.

Yeah. My wife's getting laser treatment on her face, and it's working. She has a beard. She looks so fucking. Your wife is beautiful, actually. Your wife is very attractive. She's an attractive young man. The thing is,

no, I'm kidding. What would you rather? Some guys, girls do have, like, a little bit of mustache and beard. Dude, I dated a girl. I won't say her name because she works at Disney now. But she, I got to end this story right now. I got to end this story right fucking now. Dude, how do they not notice?

How do they not wake up and, like, oh, fuck, I need to, I need to shave or do something. What's the equivalent? I got whiskers. What's the equivalent of that for men? Unibrow's or like long nose hairs, right? Long nose hairs are a problem. But how do you not notice? Or if you have just shit breath or really bad teeth?

That's terrible. Like, come on. Oh, I have a black tooth right here that I got just changed colors and I got to get fixed. Yeah. I was thinking about going gold. Yeah. You look sick. with that dude.

Right in a weird spot. Yeah. You ever been with a girl had hair on her nipples? Yep. Yep. I'm not even missing it. He goes, of course.

Dude, I used to have a girl. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah? I used to have a girl that when we do reverse cowgirl, she had one long hair out of her asshole. That's a huge problem.

And I'd be like, well, let's not do this anymore. One. I had a girl. I used to have a girl. The worst is I had a girl who had the biggest dick. I know.

I know. Real fraud with balls too. Dude, I'm talking to long, like, strong black here. I'm like, well, we can't do this thing. I can never understand guys that are into transseg, transgender. Dix? Yeah, that's what I mean. I think transgender are. No, they're girls.

Transsexual is the ones that, like, party with both. Yeah, yeah. No, there are people that have tits and also a dick. There's no doubt. And they keep it. Yeah. Yeah. Why wouldn't you?

But they look really female. But sometimes like, they have a dick. Dude, sometimes, again, you porn, like, you may we suggest this? And I'm like, damn, that's a hot-ass chick with a fat dick. That's right. But it's a very attractive girl. That's right. Thank you.

I've seen some fucked up shit on you porn. Like what, bro? I saw this thing. First of all, what's your favorite thing to watch on there, though? Backdoor casting couch. That's pretty fun. Backdoor casting. Yeah, because it feels like it's organic.

And I pretend it's John Fabro because he sounds like John Faber. Oh, boy. And, dude, I could recognize that guy in a fucking locker room. with his hernia scar and his fucking, he sometimes does steroids, sometimes doesn't. You a Fabro fan?

I'm a big Fabro fan. No, I'm talking about the guy that guy who's the guy who looks like that guy. Hey, bro. He's got a little dick, right? The little dick,

not the biggest dick. Yeah. I watch it for the look on their face. Uh-huh. Like, I actually found backdoor casting couch outtakes where the girls say no and they're fucking awesome.

It's basically a Me Too video, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically the biggest hashtag me too. It's Harvey Weinstein line. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And Me Too skipped over the porn industry quick as fuck. Well, they got it.

Well, they just assume. Everybody watches it. Oh, do your present. Do your impressive, Brian, of the woke girl at the porn conference talking about Me Too and then getting shut down. I just said, boo. Boo! I just want to think I'm going to put a cock in that mouth. That's it.

I like the... Chose your tits. Show your tits. That's... Deep. I remember a girl in my acting class was never very good and she was really hot and my friend She gets into she would do these sincere scenes and it would always be a disaster My friend my friend leaves her her goes yeah, just show us your tits

The people around us heard and they turned around this one girl just all soon as she went like this Wow And my friend was like hot It's hilarious There's something really primal about that we were in uh somewhere in Louisiana doing that old school uh, um,

Mardi Gras festival where you had to go catch a chickens and you make the gumbo together. And then you guys walk through with like horseback and you walk through the town. And Eunice, in Eunice Louisiana. And our producer was a feminist. And she was trying to get these guys to chant for travel channel. And one of the guys just, and it's like the perfect bro moment.

And he goes, Hey, hey. And she looks at her and she goes, yeah. He goes, show them tits out for the boys. I don't know why. I don't know why that's funny. There's a talk show in New York City. We're all immature.

That's what. Chil out for the boys. Wip them tits out for the boys. Back in the 90s, there were a TV show in New York with these two women who were like professionals. And they were they would talk about spiritual stuff. And they were talking about it was all positive energy. And the mistake they made is they had a live call end. The one time I laughed the hardest was they're talking and they're like, yeah, right, right.

And that's right. And that's a very good point. And I'm sorry to interrupt you, but that's such a good point. And I think that's something that we all need to keep in mind that we have to come together. Let's take a call. And I used to watch it. And he hit the thing. And the guy, he just hear a guy on it.

He goes, he goes, ah. He goes, ah, I want to come. By the way, he goes, ah, I want to come. And she goes, well, why don't you just go do that then? And then another guy gets on another time of being the same thing. She goes, hello, you're on the air. And he goes, I want to suck your tits. People are so immature.

Did you see, I think it was like Good Morning America. You know, they're always live in New York? Yeah. And they're like interviewing someone. It's like a heart belt. thing and some guy just comes me, like a bro with a hat like his bicycle.

Dude, the first the first, the first fucking right the pussy had me on the floor. Fucker right in the pussy and I was like, bring that's my guy. I'm not laughing so hard. Fucker right in the pussy. I fucking, good morning America.

Live. And you see the bro just like, anything outrageous that takes the check, the chest board and throws it in the air. Oh, dude, I do it to my daughter all the time. I do it to my daughters. The three victims were part of a CXS. Fucker riding the pussy.

That guy's just a creep. It's not cool. By the way, by the way, it's not cool when it's you as the TV host. Because that happened to me on Travel Channel. Oh, the fuck. People's constantly fucking. Oh, dude, you'd be up there doing an interview and just kids would run in. We were in theme parks.

Kids would just run up, fuck her right in the pussy. I was like, dude, I was in the middle of being almost done work. It's funny. I know. It's funny for when kids do it. You know what's weird to me is whenever there's like, when NFL game are broadcasts and they're showing the people in the back or like first take and the fans and you see them like walk by

and they're all like this or on the phone. Like, we can do with that, dude. I know. Who are you calling? I did that. I did that first take right now. You can see me in this. All right, dude.

I did that in Dallas. I was walking. They had this, I think it was Dallas. They had this TV show at the bottom where the Mavericks played. And I was walking by. We're going to do press and we're walking by and they're on air. And I was like,

Hey, hey. Walk in. I'm doing that fucking press. Were they like, what the fuck? They were like, you're the asshole. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I had this weird urge. That guy got me good, too.

Did he? That guy got me good. Oh, fuck. I keep talking. I forget what he did. He said something to me on air in the middle of a story that just shut my story down. My first interview, I didn't know I was being taken. I called it on a radio show.

And they go, Brian Colon is on. And they were fucking. But I didn't know. But you're like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he goes, so Brian, tell us about what it's like to work with Roseanne. And I was like, I don't.

That's a different sketch show. I do mad TV. Oh, they're joking. Brian Colin. So tell us. I go, well, it's Calin. And he goes, yes. And he goes, so is Rosanne?

And I got mad because I didn't get the joke. I thought the guy was just an idiot. I go, hey, it's Callan, you jackass. He goes, okay, Brian Colon. Thank you so much for calling. Dude, how about when I was doing Watch what happens live with Andy Cohen? They took calls. And they don't know, like, the.

a fan base is ridiculous. We have a live caller here and the guy's like, yeah, you know, millions of people watch that fucking show with Andy Cohen. Like, yeah, this is Dave from Milwaukee. I heard you suck Joe Rogan off of the comedy store one time. And then Andy's all, he doesn't know he's all. Did that happen? They said that to you, too.

That was all. That's not real. You just look at Andy. I think he's talking to you. I think you got me and Andy confused. Yes. Summer goals don't have to mean. extreme diets or constant cravings.

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I get my daughter. My daughters, I get them all the time. There's no better feeling. At the hotel, they get in the pool and just go out to the balcony. Georgia, Ila, mom says the pool's going to bother your butt rash medicine. And just shut down. That's the fucking best. Dude, I did it.

I did it to my daughter's friend. My daughter's friend where Georgia's birthday party was the other night. And I did it on Instagram stories. I was like, her mom goes, Katie's got diarrhea. And I just put my phone up. And I go, man, nothing like having diarrhea. he had a birthday party and I swing to her and she goes, no, no!

And then I tagged her. She was like, I want more fans. I want to be an influencer on Instagram. I was like, there you go. There you go. I found it funny. I don't know why I found it funny. Did you see some bullshit, Chin can find it, some bullshit award show, some gal or something. And this lady just, you know,

she just, bright don't have a lot of experience you know what she's doing and she's interviewing this other girl and she goes, so who are you wearing tonight? And she goes, Kate Spade, she goes, I love her. Did you come with her tonight? And the girl's like, well, yeah, I came with her.

She's like, where is she at? Where's she? Because I love her. Where is she at? And the girl's like, until the girl's like, I came with her team. She's like, well, when she comes by, definitely tell her to stop on by here. And then she's like, back to you, Janine. And then everyone's all.

Poor thing. Yeah. Here she is. Is this her? The CBF, whatever. It took me, I don't know, 17 years to realize that. She's married to David Spade's brother. Did you know that?

Oh, yeah, I knew that. What's that? Kate Spade was married. Her last name, David Spade's brother. Yes. Yes. I didn't know that. Sister, sister.

Kate Spade is David Spade's sister. Oh, really? No, no, no. His brother made her. Kate Spade's married to David Spade's brother. That's why her last name Spade. She committed suicide. She committed suicide, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Is that her other? That's why the joke were, what? Is that Hannah Gatsby? Oh, my God. media both for Ambrose's question and for Brothman's C-M.

Another one of my favorite American design. What made you pick Kate? Are you here with Kate? Here with Kate. Did she here? Well, you came before her. Or did she skip by me? Well, Kate, the team from Kate is here. More of that one. We're four. That woman needs her own show.

She didn't know, she didn't know that Kate Spade had committed suicide. But kind of a long time ago. You know, it's not like it's fresh. Oof. Yeah. Oh. It's been out. Oof. Yeah, that's a tough.

Those are so funny to me, man. Because actually didn't mean to. She issued an apology, kind of. Yeah, yeah. There's something that is beautiful about the internet and like kind of what we do is not knowing. You don't need to know everything on a podcast. You don't need to have all the answers. A lot of bro sites.

Oh, dude, when I was on TV, I was on FX. Me and Gary Valentine interviewed Iceberg Slim. And I said, uh, I'm like, what are we going to say to him? I go, hey, Gary. Why don't you say like, so do you, like, I'll go like, do you really hit, women, you know, and he was, and then you go, show me how hard you hit a woman on my hand, right?

Damn. This is a show on FX? This is a show on FX. I don't know Iceberg's time. I'm sorry. So I go, so we start the interview, we're talking about his book, pimping or whatever, and we're like, so Iceberg, do you really hit a woman? And he goes, yeah, bitch is acting

out of line, I gotta smack a bitch. And Gary goes, not hard. And he goes, well, as hard as you gotta hit him, you got to hit him. And Gary goes, okay, say I'm a bitch and I'm acting up. Like, show me on my hand. And he smacked Gary's hand hard as fuck and studio audience everyone's silent and Gary just put his hands down

he's like do you any more questions everyone got real sad Wow dude that was Iceberg ain't no bitch Iceberg swim Do you miss I mean you do a lot of shit But do you miss TV at all

No and I miss I never got to do scripted really I'd like to try it Acting yeah I did acting I just was I was I was like, you want to hear a good story? I did a sitcom probably like 1999

maybe with Elliot Gould. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Ellie Gould, Hall of Fame actor. So Elliot Gould. Bring him up, because I'm younger than these guys. Elliot Gould,

we're all at a table read. Oh, he's fantastic. He's an American History X. Yeah, call him a kite. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Never stopped working. That's right. We, uh, we're,

at a table read and I get obsessed, I find out that Elliot Gould was married to Barbara Streisand. So I'm like, oh, Elliot. Like, everyone's, like, everyone's around. I go, Elliot, Elliot. We're like about to the table read. He go, you married to Barbara Streisand? And he goes, yeah, yeah, I was. I go, Barbara Streisand.

You married Barbara Streisand. He's like, yes, yes, I did. And I go, wow. I go, what's she like? He goes, a cunt, can we start this table read? Yeah, he probably didn't want to do it. A cunt, can we start this table read? So then, so then, you know, Elliot,

Gould, me and Elliot Gould, we got to do, you know more about sitcoms I do, but it's like pickups. We did the pilot, right? Yeah. But it wasn't perfect. So we got to do pickups, like, which are alternate lines for everything.

So one of the lines that wasn't working is the woman that woman walked in, Elizabeth, God damn, and I wish I knew her name. She probably know her. She walked in, she was the bride to be, and she would come in and go, Hey, you guys are drinking beers before the wedding? Can I have a beer? And then my role as the best friend was like, of course. but they wanted it so that like

that of course really showed that we had a friendship, right? Right. So we do it like 19 different ways. Oh, sure things, sis. Of course, all these reads that the network's giving me. So Ellie Gould's playing a blind man. He's standing behind me with a dog

and he's playing a blind guy looking off the side. They walk away. It's like two in the morning and he leans down and he goes improv one. And I go, yeah? And he goes, yeah, trust me. Improv one. It'll be the one they use.

So she comes in. She goes, hey, can I get a beer? and I go, is the duck's ass water tight? Get in here. And it gets a huge laugh, right? Great. Showrunner comes up to me, smiling, gets right up to me. Elliot Gould's right behind me and he goes,

you are fucking me in the fucking ass right now. I got bent over and fucking in the ass by you in front of all the fucking execs. And he walks away. Elliot Gould's still playing a guy and got blind guy and just goes, sorry. Dude, Elliot Gould by that, bro. You remember who the showrunner was? Look this out. He was married to Jeff.

He was married to. Mindy Schulzheist. And did you have to... Jeff... You don't remember the name of the sitcom? Life with David J. Life with David J. Didn't get picked up, right?

No, it didn't get picked up. It doesn't matter. But did you... Me and Elliot Gould were cool, though. He ended up giving me his number, and we talked all the time. I bet I still have his fucking number. Did he text him right now?

I ran into him. I ran into him in front of SAG. I was with my wife and my family, and he goes, Bert. I turned around, and my father-in-law's like, you know, Elliot Gould. Is he still alive?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. He was a really interesting guy. He's still working? By 80 something now. You had to audition for that, right? Yeah. I bombed.

Did you do acting class anything or do you just roll in? I did acting class, but it confused me. It got me like all in my head. And then I just, I went in, I had a deal at CBS at the time. So I went in. I did the read at Fox. And Fox loved me. I mean, I killed it.

That one, that one read I did. did with them, I murdered. It was the only time I ever did that right, ever. Do you want to be an actor? I don't know. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah? I wouldn't mind having a job on, I wouldn't mind doing a four-micam, four-camera sitcom on CBS Radford.

I would love that. I would love that lifestyle. That's something so close. Yeah. I would so be. So you think you would take time off the road and be happy about it? Yeah, I think so. Really?

I think, I think, I enjoy storytelling. So if I was a part of the process of writing. the story. Like today we had a conference call about a sitcom that we're going to do or whatever. And they were asking stuff about my daughters and how my daughters deal with social media. And I had said something on Rogan yesterday, which is true. My daughters hate when I'm on social media. So when I pull up my phone and start to an Instagram stories, they do stuff and they go, my dad hits mom in the background. And I go, hey, stop. Stop. Dad says the unword. And I'm like, say, no, guys, guys, guys. So I can't post them.

Oh, that's how great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I told it to them. I love that. I would love to incorporate that. I would love to be in a storytelling concept. Almost like a Larry David type of which your life exaggerate. Yeah, that's a great idea.

Like a Larry David. Only you're a lovable Larry David. Louis C.K. Yeah. Yeah. Which are way more fun than all the thing. I would love to do that. And more vulnerable than those guys.

That's the thing about you. You're very honest and vulnerable and likable. Yeah. The only reason I got, the only reason I got that are some people. The only reason I got the sitcom. It's like I killed a Fox. I go over to see. CBS to do the test at CBS and Les Moonvez walks in.

And I had Jill at CBS. Shut up to Les MoonVez. And Les Moves sits down and the whole room's there and he sits down. Godfather. I've been in that room. Yeah. Many times. He goes, uh, oh, Bert. No, I go, I look at him and I go, what's up, Les?

And he goes, Bert, good to see you again. I go, we've never met. And the room goes, what the fuck? And he goes, we haven't? And I said, I definitely would remember that hair. And he laughs. And he goes, yeah. And I said, how did you end up on that side of the camera with looks like that. He was an actor.

And he goes, oh, I think I'm going to like this read. Did the read. I bombed. He gave it to me. Oh, wow. Money. So I've been in that room at CBS count. Yeah, maybe 13, maybe 20 times. How many times did he go right?

Once. Because that room would be, he'd walk in. He's really cool, though. Yeah. Like, you know, say what you will. I don't know what all the problems is. Yeah, there's all his issues. But he was the godfather. and the most successful man in TV. Easy. And he'd go in there, man,

it was Emperor's New Clothes. Nobody would laugh until he laughed. It was such a tight room. It was that fucking weird room. Does that still exist? It would throw me off every time. I hated that room. Like that type of scenario, that power?

You would know. Yeah, yeah. There's still those big wig like that. You know, the big wig at a network. See, everybody's terrified, right? And the reason they're terrified is because when you're a network executive, your mortgage, your kid's private school,

everything is riding on the season being successful. I get it. When it's not successful, your overlords go, something's got to change. And you get fired or moved. But if you are successful, so that's why when they are looking at actors, nobody wants to be the guy who chooses the actor that sucked or the actor that made a tank. Everybody says, when the head hunter goes, that's the guy. Everybody goes, oh, that is the guy. John Hammond, that's the guy.

You know, less move. Guys are jobs are safe. Yeah, man. You know, he found James Corden. He found James, he was at a play in England. You know, James Corden was on Broadway, basically. And he was at a play. And he was watching him do his thing.

And he was like, oh, shit, that guy should host a tonight show. He's such a talent. He went up to him after the play. He was great. Well, let's move, guys. You got to remember, let's move. I've seen so many people come and go. I see, I know what's weird to me?

I really don't get tight in those situations. I think I just don't care. Yeah. I haven't been with something that big. For me, those big situations, I don't, because I have other things going on.

So I'm like, if they don't like me, I don't get them. That's number one. That's number one. I'm like, I had never anything going on. I had nothing going on.

I had no option. Oh, this doesn't work out. I'm good, man. Yeah, yeah. I don't need this.

You guys, I was beautiful about right now. You guys need me. I don't see for me. For me, it was, it was, it was I either get this

and I can buy a house or I literally have, but what about now. six months without a job. But now you're not that way. Now it's different. That's why we're all working when we want. I feel you. Back then there was the gods made the decision. I hear you. There was only one place and you didn't get it and it was like and there was a pilot season. There's a really small window to get any job you could. Then you went the rest of the year without a job. You know when I get tired of the year without a job, but you got to think about this.

We're also talking about what I mean, I don't know you, but like back then you were talking about 25 grand an episode episode. Oh, you get 20. That was like a guarantee. 25, 50 grand an episode. You signed a deal before it. Huge. No comic was making 25 grand on the road. No one was. Now it's like, everyone's making 25 grand on the road, it seems like.

And but, dude, I remember that. I remember going into auditions. This brings back weird feelings going, um, I got to pay rent. Like, and I need to book this. You're tense. You go out, dude, desperate. How about that? Desperate.

I've been in rooms where I was desperate, where I, where I was just, like I just was I was like I can't do this anymore I can't drive around you know the only time I get tense is like last night I was doing stores at shows at the comedy store I knew Adam was watching I got tense I get 10th yeah Adam who

Adam the fucking you know Adam yeah I get super 10th I still get tense at the store every now and then just because I mean I get tense sometimes doing stand up but man I haven't thought about this in forever but like I remember I remember going in like nervous about shows I didn't fucking want.

Like I did not want to do, but I knew I needed the money. I took a job on a show that was produced by one of the impractical jokers. Um, Murr. It was called a let's bowl. Or something like that. Or something bowl. Sounds off. And it was like a celebrity poker tournament. Remember those? But with bowling. And I was the host. It was so

bad. Sad. And it was like, I need 13 grand. 10 grand. But didn't, uh, Buren and wrote, you've told this story before many of times, but Didn't Burr and Rogan sit you down at the comic store? I'm like, what the fuck you're doing on TV? Yeah. Joe did it to me twice. But yeah, but, uh,

Burr and Rogan one time, I walked in and I was like, I said something about, how long ago is this first of all? It was four years ago, three years ago. I said something about, uh,

something, it's something celebrity. You know how like that? You gotta rub Joe wrong sometimes and burr and burr. And burr, it rubs them like if you talk about celebrity. And they just were like, dude,

your TV show sucks. And I was like, what? And they're like, we love you. We love you. You're much better stand up than you are, host. Don't be like, you're not a celebrity guy. You're not a famous guy. You're a comic.

Don't ever forget that. You're a comic. And they're like, best thing that happened to you is you quit that show and you get back into comedy. You got to do a special. And Joe got into it. He was like, you need to do a special. You need to be doing spots at the store all the time. You need to be on the road.

You're neglecting your stand-up. You're neglecting your podcast. You're leaving money on the table for your podcast and on the road. And where were you at during this time when he told you this? I had just decided to do Burt the Conqueror again. And so I was like... And that's the show on Travel Channel. Yeah, and I had a deal at Travel Channel.

I had like a four-year deal that was coming up... What kind of money are we talking about? Not a lot. Oh, that's a lot. Yeah, 800,000 a year. That's a lot. You say not a lot? I'm sorry.

You don't know what we're talking about. How many episodes were you doing? I was in a deal. I was in an overall deal. So the way I did my deal worked and I apologize to anyone that's in a deal of travel channel. I would assume he were making something. How many episodes, though? you were doing, yeah.

I was signed up for doing 13 episodes per year. It's a shit load of money. But he's traveling like Amazon, Ethiopia. I had, so let's hypothetically say hypothetical numbers. I don't remember the exact numbers. Let's say it was $10,000 an episode, the breakdown for the overall deal. So overall deal is worth to say for that year, $400,000, right? For one year, they'd break that up into 13 episodes or 20 episodes, whatever they felt

that they were going to shoot. And then if you shot more episodes than that, they got put into penalty. and then all of a sudden your money got like time and a half. So all of a sudden your money doubled with an extra more. And I did everything for them. And they said go to fucking Hawaii and pick up and dig tarot plants. I dug tarot plants because I knew I'd do three episodes over there and that was going to be time and a half. Were you struggling for money at this point though, Bert?

No, but I had never been, I never have money just coming in. 800 grand. It's a lot of fucking money. A lot of money. Nobody's making back in the day. That was a lot. It's like three years ago. That was probably four years ago.

My last year doing Travel Channel, I made the most money I ever made because I did like two series or three series. I would just do a series. I would do everything. I would do everything they asked. And I loved it. I mean, I was so. And you're traveling the world. I bet your daughters didn't like it.

Oh, dude, I was gone. My schedule was two weeks out, one week home. Two weeks out, one week home. That's awful for this. Horrific. Horrific. It's the biggest regret I have is I'm. I missed a lot because I was working.

I was working and I was... And you did this for four years? I did this for nine years. Wow, I didn't know that. Birds. Yeah, I did it for nine years. I was on travel channel. Where did you travel to?

Everywhere in the world. Everywhere. But you must have liked doing the show doing it for nine years. I love the crew. I love being with the crew. I loved... God, look how skinny eyes. Did it?

But that didn't hold on, B, that didn't sell tickets for you. Oh, didn't sell any tickets. Nothing. And by the way, even doing Rogan, like, people would come out and they go, I didn't know you did stand up. I thought you were just one of his travel channel friends. Wow.

And you were like, oh, no, no, I've been a stand up my whole life. I get fired from Travel Channel. Why did you get fired? They just didn't like me. It was new management. Did you live for nine years? So they just fired you? New president came in.

That's what happens. They get a fresh. They want a fresh start. They want their guy. Yeah, that's exactly right. So you got fired. You're super bummed. Oh, dude, so bummed.

You have no idea. I was on a, dude. I, this poor woman, Courtney White's her name, had to listen to me grovel on the phone. I'm so embarrassed. What does she do? She was a new president. She's like, listen, we're going to a new direction.

We're going to part ways with you. We're not renewing a contract. Best of luck in your future. You know, you got a lot of fans over here. Technically, she was saying, I'm not one of them. And then I literally was like, okay, well, you know, I have a lot of shows that I'm pitching. And just, you know, I'm really, I'm only, I don't really get to stay with you guys. I don't want to go to another network.

So, like, if you guys, dude, I am so embarrassed about it. And she just was like, like, she was breaking. up me she's like okay okay okay okay I got it good luck with everything yeah click we're here if you need anything hung up on me I go home my wife goes good news they can see you they can you can get your vasectomy now they're they have an opening today and I was like huh they're demoing my house I get a call from live nation I'm supposed to do the funnier die tour and they cancel all 12 of the dates I'm on why my showtime special airs no one fucking watches it no one watching I didn't know you're on showtime yeah the machine story was on showtime and I'm on it I'm on it I'm on it I'm on it I'm on

I'm like, I get into therapy. I'm like, I'm fucking lost, man. I have mourning. I have a conversation with Tom. We talk about the money we're making at different clubs. And is Tom killing it at that time, though? Give us friends. Murdering it.

He's about to buy a house. He's done his first theater tour, sold out everything, added shows. He's my best friend. No jealousy. Two friends talking about money. And Tom going, don't worry, man. We'll get your podcast monetized. We'll get you out of this hole.

I'm telling you, keep one. working. Keep doing specials. Keep selling tickets. And I wasn't selling tickets. I was in St. Louis right before you were. This is, this is right to see St. Louis helium. That's a bummer place, man. I remember that. I hate the shit on St. Louis. I wasn't selling tickets either. Dude, I didn't. I told me. Mark, Mark, Mark Gross is my buddy. I love. I love girls. I love Joe Diaz told me not together. I love his clubs. I love healing. I'm doing Indiana this weekend. Heliums are great. All about St. Louis. St. Louis, I said to Marr, Mark, I'm not going to St. I just can't do.

I don't like the town. The town doesn't do it. Oh, I like the town. Don't like the club. Back to your story. So you're in St. Louis after Brian sold seven tickets. I do. Yep.

I do New Year's Eve. Are you ready for this? We're really talking money. I'm sure someone's going to be fucking living. No, I love it. 25 grand guarantee for New Year's Eve and Oxnard, right? I move maybe 150 tickets for the whole weekend. Is that levity?

Levity. They just opened it. Tom had been there two weeks before working on new material, sold out the weekend. And I'm thinking, how and I'm just like being honest I go how does how do they not know about me

we're best friends like how do they not know about me Tom's fat shaming me at the time right he's fat shaming me I'm trying to lose weight we're going to do the weigh-ins on Rogan's podcast I hire a marketing team

to try to get people to watch my special on Netflix they guarantee me millions of downloads they don't deliver on any of that none of my clips go viral none of that the day before New Year's Eve, I just go, fuck it.

I post the machine story because I just forgot. Post the machine story on Facebook. Did you own it? Was it from Showtime? By the way, once again, I really feel this is like the ruin your career podcast. I misread my contract at Showtime. I misread the contract.

It said four clips. And they meant four clips of under 30 seconds. Yeah, it has to be. I posted 37 minutes of my special on Facebook. I don't know how to cause it. And what happened? And so, and I post the machine story

goes five. I'd never seen something. I never had anything like that happened in my life. It goes, the first night it gets like, I'm like looking at it. And I'm looking at it's like 20,000 views, but it's got 15,000 shares. I go, that seems like a lopsided number. And then all of a sudden it's like that next morning, three million. Then then that night, seven million.

And then nine million and 15. And then what happened is other people started ripping it and posting it on their page. And you'd watch that. Like this one dude, I forget his name. My manager knows it. 80 million views on his. page. Like, and you're just like, whoa.

And it just starts screaming up to stop. I go to, marketing can't pay for, by the way. Nothing. The marketing company calls me and says, so why did you pick that day? I go, excuse me? And they're like, that day, that's a really interesting day that you chose to post that. Because the way that it was set up Christmas and New Year's kind of side-saddled a weekend.

It's a bad time to do it, right? So people almost had like two weeks off, almost. The way that that one year worked. And so the day I posted it on the 20th. 27th of January or December. It was like they were opening Christmas presents, but they had a whole week off. It was like a weird time to post it.

Dude, I go to that first weekend, I go to New Jersey Stress Factory and there's a blizzard and Vinny Brand's like, dude, you sold off the fucking weekend. I go to the next weekend in Buffalo, same blizzard.

Mark Grossman's like, you sold off the fucking weekend. And all of a sudden I start looking and I go, whoa, I'm selling out. I was like, change all my fucking deals. I was like, I'm not, no guarantees. I want a percentage. And then from that one video

changed my life. And then from then you just were like, I'm a mistake to stand up a podcast. And then I was like, I was like, fuck TV. Like they called me up like, hey, we got this on it. I go, nope, no TV, stand up. I was like, in my head, I said,

and this is, it sounds, because I'm cocky, but like I always knew I was a good standup. But I was like, I believe if I focus only on stand up for this entire year and I figured 18 months, I could shoot a slam and special because I had so much material backlogged that I had never really, like, gotten to do.

And I, I remember working that next hour out immediately. The second that hour dropped, I dropped everything and started brand new and fresh. I did have a lot of material because I hadn't done a special in a while. Kept telling the machine story at the end. I'd do an hours of new material. Tell the machine the story. And everyone's super happy. But, and then once I got the green light from Netflix to do a special, dude, I became obsessive, compulsive.

of that work ethic and travel channel where two weeks out, one week home, I was like, I turned that into standup and I would do Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday at clubs. Do one-nighters, two shows, one-nighters, two shows, one-nighters two shows, one-nighters two shows, weekend, on the road. I did that hour probably 150 times, just obsessive. And I, dude, and I took that hour, I got crazy about it

because I was like, I hear stuff like, I remember DeLea one time in the green rooms, like, dude, they only watched 30 minutes of specials on Netflix. And I was like, what? He's like, they only watched. 30 minutes of specials. And I hit up Netflix. I was like, hey, they only watch 30 minutes.

And they're like, yeah, people turn it off after 30 minutes. So I was like, fuck that. My closure goes at 25 minutes. So if you watch that special, I took everything that I, like, rated it one to 30, about all the bits I had. Everything that was fucking the best went in that first 25 minutes. And then I was like, and then I'll tell my, and then I'll keep going, just, I want people to stick around.

See, I think, and you know this, Bert, I think Bert's one of the greatest comedians, alive, but one of the best things that Bert does is marketing. He's so fucking good at it. Yeah. I don't know about social media. Everything's so good. I like, I enjoy social media. The whole touring bus and all that. Everything, but his social media, the promos, everything's

so good. Yeah. Other comics that don't say, I'll take it's, I'm like, dude, look for, look at Bert. Look at other guys doing it, man. I think, but you get shit on a lot. Like, if I go to New York, New York Comics would trash me. But in, like, they like me. They like me. But like, just make fun of the idea.

Like, Ari hates everything I'm doing. Show me. They all love, okay, cool. No, like me, like, we're all friends and stuff. But, like, every comic's like, oh, so what are we going to do? Another promo video? Yeah, I am, because I'm going to sell out my next show. And also, if you want to go on stage, we can do that.

I never, I never had the, like, I never had the, like, stamp of, like, of, like. Taste makers? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I've never had that. What do you mean? Variety top 10 comics to watch or, or, or, I never got put into anything. I never went to a festival. ever in my career. No one is ever like,

Burr, you should do Montreal. And Montreal never wanted me. I had to finagle my way into that place. Me too. But when you're a taste maker, and there's a list of comics that we could name right now that are people that just were, I'm not saying gifted careers. It's a cool factor. It's a really strange, cool factor that's always

been there. I've noticed for 25 years. I mean, it happened in New York when I first started. There were just the cool kids that would get... That they get plucked out. New York Times, the New York Times and various, like, Back then, like the people that are influencing the culture. And I'd be like, who I, I, I mean, I think I'm as, I think I'm pretty well.

But comedy doesn't work like that, does it be. No, it does. It does. It does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk to me back in the day. Back in the day when we were working, I never got that like. Like Louis C.K. was always cool.

He, uh, but he's underground cool. He took them forever to pop. But, but a lot of guys, a lot of guys were, but a lot of guys were the darlings of, um, of the media back then. Louis C.K. Yeah, like the tastemakers, like the New York... Of course. But the pacemakers, where there are a lot of really good guys.

And sometimes the tastemakers, like the New York Times, they have certain guys they like. They just, it is what it is. It's just, it's they're dealing with probably a handful of people that make a difference. Let me ask you this, B, why do you think you were never one of those guys? Because everyone I thought, and I'm not just saying this because Brian's one of my best friends, but everyone I talked to is like,

even before I was in Stan, like, Brian's one of the most talented stand-ups on that. He's been forever. Yeah. And like even Bill Simmons on his podcast, on one of his shows, they watch old movies, they watch the hangover and use your little clip. And they go, Brian, if he was given 10 lifetimes, nine out of 10, he's an absolute superstar. I'll jump in right now. And by the way, I can say this. I love Zach.

I love Zach. Zach Allenakis. And Zach can obviously feel for you to disagree. And this is not slandering Zach. But man, Zach was a darling of the industry. Yes. Like a darling, meaning like he got, he got a TV show, it would fail. No, no, no, give another one.

And by the way, I'm not shitting on Zach. I mean, he's got a lot of chances. And he always got, like, if there was a cool comedy show to go to, Zach was always booked on it. Like, I mean, like, I remember going to things and Zach was booked on everything. By the way, Zach is amazingly funny. I cannot discount. He is so talented in ways of you that people don't know. He's a different talent.

But there are people that were equivalent to Zach. got those opportunities that were not as talented, they just dressed his way, or they acted his way, or they were snooty, or they condescending. Well, so that's what I was going to say. There's a certain cool factor. I think part of the... Zach was cool as fuck, by the way, always. I was really obvious.

I was obvious. I would go in there prepared, and I'd make you laugh hard, and I was a little vain. But don't you think you, but I think your thing be for long as stand-up is you wanted to be an actor so bad, you neglected stand-up. I did, but I would always... I know you're a monster. No, I'm saying I was always right. I guess so.

I think it was more the fact that there's something really cool about a comic that makes you reach, a comic that's not always trying to be the funniest, but rather trying to be. But you were very theatrical, right? You were theatrical. You wanted to be a movie star. I wanted to be funny. You wanted to be a movie star. Yes.

Yes. And when you have somebody who's a satirist, like, if you have a Dave Chappelle who's like, who's not even worried about making you laugh, he's more worried about saying something, while he's smoking. There's something very cool and chic about that stuff. Louis C.K., there was near reverence with a lot of these guys. For me, I just wanted you to like me, and I was up there. Janine is a perfect example.

Yes. And this is not negative, but like, dude, I could watch Janine bomb forever. I am fascinated by, like, the way Garoflo, the way her brain works, she makes me. Back then, she was one of the cool. And she was, she was one of the cool. And then I think guys like me and Brian who are like, you know, like, rip your shirt off, fuck it like Sarah Silverman there was they were all very talented

I mean's amazing I remember Sarah I remember Sarah was so young I remember Sarah was so young and she was wearing sweatpants Sarah Silverman Sarah I've known again Sarah for 25 years I like how I was saying something like it's Adel yeah do I think she's fucking hot she's a but again I remember Sam Cedar remember Sam Sam Sam somebody of mine

yeah these were really but Sarah was Sarah was killer and and Sarah is fucking I Dude legend legend monster. Gary Shandling, you know, fucking protege.

What are we talking about? But she was always the, she was always the girl. I remember, I remember it's so funny when you think back. I was so young. And they said, well, Sarah, Sarah just got back from L.A. And I was in New York and we were like, whoa, what's that? What was she doing?

Was she? You know what it was? You know what Sarah? There's something that, that, and by the way, I will say this about everyone we just talked about and that group of cool kids that we always say, like they always got put in the variety top 10 and this and that. there was something about them

like a weird kind of confidence where they didn't give a fuck and like I said Brian and I maybe never had that I never had that confidence I was like You have it now though right because we have a group now I guess now you're in the Now I know there's like a thing is cool There's like boys club right

It's like we have a crew You lose your reference because you go oh hold on First of all I was so impressed with people in suits I just thought they knew much more than I did So I would go in there and I just wanted to please them Like when I did letterman they said you got to wear a suit. I went and bought a really,

I bought a $900 suit. I didn't have, I didn't have the money. And I went and bought that and I was like, I'll be a good boy. What else do you want me to do? I was so nervous. You hear stories about guys who fuck the system?

Mike Apps, dude. Mike Apps went in for a read at the UPN, right? And he goes, he does the read. And they're like, yeah, that's great. You know, we really can't understand you. Can you do it? Still keep it black, but like,

these are all white people. Still keep it black, but do it less. This is a story Mike Apps told me, by the way, I swear to God I could not come on. Less urban, less urban. Less urban. And then he goes, so he does it again.

They're like, no, no, no, no, we like it. Can you make it more like a, like a New York hip hop? Like a New York hip hop. And Mikeaps looks at them at the table reading and goes, yeah, fuck you motherfuckers. How you like that? And got up and walked out. Yeah. Dude, I never had that confidence.

Brian and I were always trying to get the job. Yeah. And I wanted to be liked. There's something uncool about a guy who really wants to be liked and who doesn't have the confidence. You can smell the desperation. It's like a girl. You can tell you like, damn, I was just obvious. Or even a dude. He's super thirsty. It turns the girls off.

That's where that was my whole career in a lot of ways. I was just, I just wanted to be liked and I didn't have the confidence of myself and I didn't even think I belonged there. And like I knew Beast, right? It's so interesting to him, hear you tell it like that because I don't, since I've known you've gotten in the comedy, you've been this monster. No, but I was, I was the guy that like, if I felt like there were rules in line, I wanted to follow the rules.

I didn't want to be the guy that took too many chances. It wasn't until I started taking my shirt off and I went to Showtime. I was like, hey, I'm doing it with my shirt off. I remember Tom laughed so fucking hard. He was like, why would you do that? And I was like, that's how I do stand-up. That's you. And I get embarrassed of it.

Sometimes at the store, I won't take my shirt off because I don't want to like, I don't want to like ruffle feathers or someone going, bro, it's obviously you take your shirt off. It's going to be easier for you to kill. But I go, but that's how I like doing stand-up. Who would do that now? A lot of people. I'd be shocked how many people have pulled me aside and said, please don't take your

shirt off tonight. Yeah. And so. who said that to you? He knows who he is and he's very grateful that I'm not saying his name but uh you're telling us off here yo yeah I can't wait

I'm gonna tell everybody or this is a no no way this is a comic a comic because what I was on the same show as you and the comics are in the back saying how bad you crush like I've heard every like you know like last night to fall Sebastian and before that to follow fucking Bobby Lee or you know monsters

and I've never heard this group I'm going to say the names this group of comics because Bert was on the lineup and like you can tell they're all around like nobody wants to follow Bert not especially I mean in general they shirt off right now drinking but all I got to do is go

I ran the LA marathon it's like no you got this bit right now oh yeah I know you're talking about I'm not gonna give it away and you get they were like trying to figure it out I've never seen it before it's my favorite bit I've ever written in my entire fucking life I'm talking

let the main room on fire Brian I'm so glad to hear you talk like this because that was defined me. Like that's the, the concept of wanting to fit in and wanting to like not ruffle feathers and do what they said and like, go like, oh yeah,

like my first special, cowhead, you know my cowl to Cowhead? He's a big DJ in Tampa. I did my special. I went, I had the meeting for Comedy Central, comfortably dumb, and they go, so just so, you know, like,

what works well best on cameras, like a dark shirt, dark jeans, but if not like was like the kind that have like, Lighten it, lighten them. Shut the fuck up. I just, dude, I followed suit.

I did a special. This was 2009. You could look it up. I did a special. Me, Bill Burr, Chris Titus, and Pete Correalee

wore the exact same outfit. Black shirt. Fucking great. I mean, pull up any of us in the 2009 Comedy Central specials. We all wore the same fucking outfit. And Cal had said to me,

I said to me, guys, so what did you think my special? He goes, I don't know. know, it looks like you were dressed to be a comedian. That's, like a uniform. Yeah, I go, what do you mean? He goes, well, you know, Bert, some of it's the way you're raised.

Like, I was raised to believe that, um, there's a power structure and, and that you do what you're told. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Do you want to hear a fucking story? I had a piece so bad. I want to hear the story. My pee. My dad.

I got to hear the story. Let's let me go pee. Go pee. Go pee. You'll hold the story. Yeah, go pee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. Your dad. So right before I get fire from Travel Channel, I mean, my parents have a beach house in Clearwater. So we're down at the beach house and light a cigar, have a glass of wine. My wife's there, my mom's there. It's me and my dad. And he says, so what's going on? You're going to do that Showtime special?

I said, well, first and foremost, I want to get re-signed by Travel Channel. That's my biggest thing. My dad's phrase to me in life was eat shit cash checks. Yeah. Right. That was his phrase. God. Eat shit cash checks.

That's awful. Eat shit cash checks. It's unsafe. Yep. Didn't want to be a lawyer in life. I'll be a lawyer. Eat shit cash checks. Had dreams.

Put your dreams off the side. Eat shit cash checks. My wife wants to be a singer, honey, honey, honey, raise kids, eat shit cash checks. Well, that makes sense.

So I say to my dad, so I say to my dad, yeah, I just want to, hopefully I'll get resigned by Travel Channel, and then I won't have to worry about anything for a few years.

And by then I'll be 50 or, you know, 45 and, you know, I don't know, we'll figure it out. And then I said to my dad, I mean, thinking nothing would happen.

And I go, you know, e-shit cash checks. I'm maybe like 42 at the time, 43. My dad starts crying, aggressively crying. He goes, he goes, oh, my God. Oh, I fucked you up. I fucked you up. And he was, I was like, what? I'm going to get emotional.

He's like, I fucked you up. No, e-shitting cash checks is for me. Like, it's not for you. You have talent. I had nothing. Oh, God. And he says, buddy, oh, he goes, if you don't roll the dice on yourself now,

you're going to look back and regret life. And I went, really? And he goes, if your buddies, I told him about Byron Rogan, he goes, if your buddies are telling you to get away from Travel Channel, get away from Travel Channel. And I was like, really? And in my head, I was like, well, we'll see what happens if they signed me to a deal, you know. But man, when I got fired, it was the greatest thing. And I kept thinking, my dad's going, e-shit cash checks, e-shit cash checks. And I remember saying, like, yeah, you know, Burr and Rogan said, I should do stand-up and focus on stand-up, but e-shit cash checks, right, dad?

sobbing crying. At a nowhere, my dad just started bawling and I was like and I looked at my wife, I looked at my mom, I was like, fuck. Dude, he sent me this email today. Your papa did? Today. Did you and your dad grow up close?

Rogan is such a good friend because Rogan will tell you the truth. That fucking dude. My dad's going through. And I'm getting a giant rap and drive 30 miles. My dad's going through. My grandfather kept a diary when he stormed the beaches of Omaha. Normandy more Normandy so wow been posting he's been posting my dad just and my dad's like getting older so he's got emotional and he wrote sent me this fucking email today that was like he was like

as as your aging father I want to offer you some advice based in my life experiences including my experiences as your father for which now I'm renowned I talk shit about him on my special certain things in life are important and to be cherished first and four Almost your family, which I feel like you have mastered. And he's off on that. Cheers to you and Leanne. Likewise, you've been more successful in your career. You've reached the pinnacle of success with earnings

and were more imaginable than I could ever imagine a few years ago when we sat on that porch in Clearwater. Your mom, your sisters and your mom, myself, and your sisters are so very proud of you in your achievements. But then he said, this is the thing that fucking stuck with me. true wealth is good health. I please have that be impressed upon you. I've had two heart procedures, prostate surgery, knee surgery, and a nasty blood infection,

along with arthritis in both knees and both hips. All I can express to you and impress upon you is that true wealth is good health. True that. Dude, and I was like, I was like, I'm going to be drinking in like fucking 20 minutes when I read that. And I was like, well, I'll work on it tomorrow. Yeah. That's beautiful, though, dude. It's great.

It's kind of a beautiful thing. you know yeah it's uh i'm glad he's still alive you know yeah how old is he 72 not that old not that old bunch of surgeries though boo he's dude he's is he a big boy no he's been he's been he's a runner his whole life and so he ran marathons he ran 15 miles every night get home and run 15 miles and his knees are just fucked from it yeah yeah hips too hips and everything long running doesn't really doesn't do your body so weird yeah tell that to joe about sober october yeah what I haven't seen the episode yet. Would you guys decide on that with you R.E. Tom?

We wanted to do hip-hop dance, but Joe was... That would be so fun. Joe was very adamant about not doing hip-hop dance. Joe basically decides what you guys are going to do? No, we all vote on it, and then Joe decides what we do, yeah. Dude, I had sold him so good. You know how when you go in a pitch a movie, you make them feel like it's their idea? And then that's how you sell it the TV show.

Look at that. Dude, that's the last sober October. Yeah, that was the last. Yeah, last night we killed one of those bottles. Joe has the belt on in the new picture. Yeah, he does. It's on the belt. It's on Instagram.

Yeah, it's on his Instagram. So what are you guys going to do? He wants to do long distance running. He can run the most in a month. He's dumbest, what the... Hey, dude, like, what, that's not a fair... That's not fair for you and Tom. It's tough for...

It's fair for Ari. It's also bad for your body. Ari has the body to do it. The first thing... all, I'm the only person in this whole group who's ever run long distance. I ran the LA Marathon with no training in five hours and 33 minutes. That is not, by the way, I'm very careful about the words I choose. I know that these all inspire Joe, and inspiring Joe is the most dangerous thing you can do

in a competition. But Joe's running right. He runs all the time. He runs nonstop. He's in much better shape than I am. I'm not saying that at all. He's a much better shape. He runs hills.

But here's Arii wants to do no social media. And I said, Arii doesn't understand this because I don't think he's a lot of he's done enough television to know this, but like, it's not inspiring to watch someone do nothing. Like, it's not fun. The fans want to in on you. You want to watch

someone do something. If you said, so it motivates you. Yeah, if you said, we're going to do a sitting still competition on TV for 32 minutes. You're like, oh, that's not fun. Do a dance. Dude, I want to do the dance so fucking bad. I should get on a steroids and do a dance. To watch you guys. Oh, I'm definitely doing growth.

I'm definitely doing growth. To do a sexy dance? Why not? It takes so long to get any bad. benefits from it. I'll start right now. Do a poll thing. The competition is in October?

In October, yeah. Not really going to help you. Fuck. What about wind straw? I want to do wind sprawl. Now we're talking. Now you're talking about Deca Anabal, Anavar, all those things.

And then do like the rock fucking Instagrams. All inspiration. By the way, the Rock, the rock's doing more than testosterone. He's doing derivatives of that. Name us, steroid. Come on. Any one you want. Decc.

Dek it all. Yes. Check. Deca. Check. Check. Check. Check.

Check. Check. He's a whole fucking cocktail. his veins are all kinds of crazy. He's the best shit money can buy, but why not? Wait, are you telling me, if I just got cocktails up like that, I'd look like that if I put the work in? You'd have to lift a lot of weight.

I think it inspires you. I think they're like, I think they're like really... You'd have to clean your diet up a little bit. Like, he's so... I know, it's a bummer. You'd get... You'd be fit fat. You do, you do metabolize carbs much better, apparently.

Your body burns higher than your testosterone. And you can't drink alcohols, you get liver cancer, right? Nah, what are we talking about? By that, plant? is some good whiskey. Blanton's is great whiskey. Dude, that's my favorite. It's a derivative of a buffalo trace.

I kind of want to do the running thing just to see the numbers Joe puts up. See, the running, Ari should beat the fucking of all you guys. He's built for running. Yeah, but running is... And he's a cycle. By the way, Ari is,

you can't deny Ari when we did until October October last time threw up legit fucking numbers. No, Ars is my dark horse for you guys to do this. 100%. Segura is not in love with running, obviously.

no and when I look at Tom I'm not like there's a marathoner yeah no no part of Tom you run Rogan have become obsessed with it and it's gonna be a he's he's gonna like build for long distance running even he can do it though he's a savage he's he's gonna have Kay Haynes like helping him out

like running with him in the deserts and shit do something you can beat him at dance why is he afraid of being a dancer a dance but that's not that it's out of his comfort zone but it's also to Rogan's point It's not really, it is a workout, but it is tough. Dance class is, I took a dance class with my daughters for an hour.

I was pouring sweat. Now I hear you, but, but I thought, it's not like as mentally tough as like long distance. He doesn't want to leave it up to the, he doesn't want to leave it up to a subjective judging panel to decide who's the winner. He wants a legit number, which I don't look. What? What else could you do? I, how the fuck did my brain? The four, the four creative fucks, the only thing came up was long.

All he just, all, all you, every year's like, get off social media, get off social media. You'd be surprised how healthy you are. And I was like, yeah, but I mean, like, I have tour dates to promote. It's like, you're asking me to, like, if we're getting off social media where there's no podcasting, like, you can't podcast, you can't promote your podcast. No. It's like, what are we talking about? There's a middle ground.

Like, I don't read any comment. I don't, any comments anything. Yeah, I don't read comments and all that. You don't read comments. I post, I put out content. And then you get off. I'll get off. I don't get off.

Ari wants us to do it the way he does it. By the way, he's a little bit full of shit. Kelly Slater, is the surf option still on the table? That's Kelly Slater. Oh, Kelly Slater just saw me? Yeah, dude. Is the surf options still on the table? Why don't you fuck?

Dude, he, he's D-D-D-M-me, and I swear to got to get rock-heart. Dude, he is. Do you ever see the video of him falling off a surfboard in the tube, getting back on a surfboard and finishing the wave? He's a legend. Dude, Kelly's, I grew up in Florida. Do we idolize Kelly's out there? That's where he grew up, though, in Cocoa Beach. But then he moved to L.A. to surf?

He moved to Hawaii to serve. Yes, he did. He learned how to surf in Cocoa Beach. I surfed those same breaks he did. Monster Hole, dude, all that shit. Shout out to Kelly Slater. He started this clothing brand. I'm such a fan.

I ordered his clothes. What's his clothes? I'll buy him. Outer limits. They won't fit us. Why? I ordered... I ordered that they don't make double X or the X.

It came. It looked like a fucking middrift. Hey, Kelly, you got to make... Is it called Outer known? And it's dope shit. It was like, oh, when you get off the surf and I used to be a surfer. Outer known, yeah. His white, Tarx, wife.

March wife, I know. But I wore his shit a lot, like seven shirts and none of it fit. And you know what? I liked him so much. I didn't send it back. You're just so big. Can I tell you, can I tell you, uh, um, who makes all y'all shirts, uh, that I love their, I love their shit. Five four? No, fight, fight, fight, fight. Fy-Fort's never made our shirts. Roots of fight. Oh, our shirts. Oh, yeah. Roots of fight. Sorry. I got to tell you, I, I love roots of New shirts? Yeah, I just got it. Did they send you the jacket? No, no, no, I didn't get the jacket.

I love, I love roots of fight. But what I have to do is I have to cut that tag in the neck out because I have tactile issues. Me too. I have to literally, painstakingly cut it out. Dude, me too. What do you mean? The tacks. Yeah, the tag.

It just rubs weird. It rubs weird. So I was going to wear it today. And I was like, I was like, I'm not going to wear it. I haven't. Hey, I want my sweats. I didn't get those fucking sweats. I have them on my house.

Sorry. Hey, do you, uh, but the new shirt, you got the new one. Yeah, I just got it. Yeah. I can't believe they're saying a jacket. They sent all you guys a jacket. I didn't get a jacket either. I just got that shirt.

Dude, I love those sleeveless sweatshirts they have. My daughters have stolen them. They love them. My daughters take anything roots of fight comes to my house. They sneak it and grab it. They have a Bruce Lee one that's like a, like a, it's a sweatshirt, but it's sleeves, sleeves, like cut off sleeves, gone. Why don't you make the machine

Workout gear for Sober October Like sleeveless hoodies The machine workout out of it. That's a fucking brilliant idea. Yeah, dude. I don't know where to get I'd wear the fuck out of it. You know, Roots a fight. Roots a fight hit me up.

Yeah, but I can I can also help you with that. Yeah, I don't know anything about that. That would sell it crazy. Dude, I love I love the Sobara October challenges. I'm not, I'm not averse to the running. I just, I just

It's got to be a funner. I feel like you guys mix it up. See, the only thing that the thing that we lose sometimes is that we're comedians. It's like, it's like at one point last year

I was losing my mind and Tom's like, Bert, we're just comedians. Like, we're not elite athletes. I know you make jokes about it. When you guys were doing the yoga thing

and Tom asked me out of yoga I can be honest with you, man. And I'm not hating on yoga. Tom hated that. I fucking hate yoga. And I think of much benefit from it. I know some people love it and Rogan swears by it

and if it works for him, great. For me, I don't get it. been super flexible. So you're going to lose anything. Dude, do you see the split contest we did yesterday? I love that he's trying to get you guys to do shit that he's been doing his whole life. He's great at it.

Yeah, I mean, okay. So why don't you do a weightlifting and fighting things? Or how about instead of sober October, someone try and drink as much as Bert? What's up with that? Oh, that's not going to happen. We talked about that. But that's the same thing, right? Like, Joe's so athletically gifted and, you know, he does all these things. Be equivalent of you fucking have a drinking contest with them.

Joe is flexible. His whole life. Look at that. He's a beast. Yeah. I would love. like Joe's a kind of Joe's a little bit like my dad

because my dad tried to go to therapy and he just he was like yeah I don't know what the fuck you're talking about I think I'm good like I would love to hear Joe in therapy because my dad the guy is like well in my day told my dad how often you wash your car my dad goes every morning I get up to wash my car

and the guy goes that's obsessive compulsive disorder and my dad goes no and my dad goes stands up goes the window goes which car is yours the guy tells him my dad goes your car looks like a piece of shit. You drive around the city like that. And he goes, yeah, I don't got a problem.

Go fuck yourself. I'm walked out of therapy. Yeah, it's my dad's brain. He's like, nah, I got a nice car. I keep it clean. I want it to look nice. I want people to, that's the way my dad is. But Joe's like my dad of like, like, they're very similar brains.

It works. Yeah. It works for them. Like Joe goes, no, we're running. We're running. All three of us have said, we can't get into another competition that Joe simply excels at and try to compete with Joe. He's already ahead of you.

And all three of us crumbled. We're like, well, it looks like we're running. No, I would have been like that. I'm surprised Tom went with it. I feel like Tom wanted, always a savage. So bad. Tom wanted to do hip hop dance. Yes.

We haven't decided. We still have time. I want to see you guys do the hip hop dance. That's so much more you're doing. You know what you're doing? You know what you're running. Oh, we're running. But anyway, I've already, I've already got it in my head.

Yeah. Yeah, we're running. Why don't you guys let Joe run? Why don't you guys let Joe run? And you guys just do a hip hop dance. That's not you can't do it. It's running. Just fucking challenge it.

Because it's fun texting back and forth for that month. And I kind of want to see like, you know, it's like... I think ours is the dark horse. Dude, there was a guy, there was a guy for trip flip one time. We went in and we shot at Greg Jackson's gym in Albuquerque. And we had two travelers. That was the purpose of the show. We took two travelers to have an adventure of a lifetime.

So the one guy traveler fought Tim Kennedy. And so... And I said to him, listen, man. you're never going to get a chance to knock out a fucking heavyweight champ. Like you're going to take the swing at him. Take one real swing at him. Tug the tiger's tail just one time. And the kid looked at me and goes for real.

I go, oh yeah, you got to. He gets in the ring with fucking Tim Kennedy. And they're play fighting for TV, you know? And then I just start going tug the tiger's tail. And he takes a swing at Tim Kennedy. And he sees it in Tim Kennedy's eyes like, oh, we're fucking around, huh? And all of a sudden. sudden you watch this guy go, I'm done, I'm done, I'm out of here.

Like it was, but like, that's one of the things. Like, we did it, I did it with Joe last year is I was making video, because Joe would like two videos like, I just ran two miles, sober October, I'm killing it, I'm here with Marshall. All right. And then I made a joke video. No one got the fucking joke. I go, all right, Joe, I've been watching your videos.

I'm up here with my dog. You run two miles. I run four fucking miles. And I go, all right, Priscilla, where are you? Priscilla, Priscilla. I pretend I lost my dog, right? All he heard was, you run two miles. I run for. That's all he heard. That's all he heard. And dude, the next day he's on a podcast

with Whitney, uh, Nikki Glazer and he's like, he's like, I'm going to break Bert. I want to break. Yeah, that's what he said. I just want to break. I want to break him. He's like, psycho. Whatever. I was never going to get in a competition. Whatever. Have a, I mean, for me, it's like, I don't know. If you're going to, if you're going to have a competition, you got to have a competition with a guy who's already doing it. Like, I don't know. I'm already, I woke up. A lot of people relate to Bert and Tom doing it. I wrote. Joe's an extreme.

Joe brings fun to it. He gets extreme with it. He makes us get extreme with it. We probably go out of our comfort zone. Everyone gets better. Yeah. And I woke up this morning. Yeah, but the fix is in.

He's still going to win because that's all he does. That's all he's been doing. This is what's wrong with my brain. You think you can beat him. That's why I love you, Bert. Maybe you're full of shit. I've already wrapped it up in my head. I stay on the bus.

I stay on the bus all of October. I don't come to L.A. once. I'm going, I'm out. I'm out. I'm all for a reservation. every city we go to i have them drop me off 30 miles outside that city on the bus and i run my way into that city every fucking 30 miles a long way you're gonna you're gonna stress fracture and all that you gotta do it well listen i'm gonna train i'm gonna train for a marathon leading up to october so can i

just when's the next marathon you're in oh it's gonna be october first so do you know do you know how they do you know sometimes they'll train like there's an olympic uh long distance coach who trains his athletes so just especially in the beginning as you're getting into it believe it or not you could do one of two things. One is they'll have you walk as fast as you can. Speedwalk seven minutes. That sounds super gay. No, no listen.

And speedwalk back. You'll build your, you'll build your endurance. You'll build your endurance. You know he's not right? Huh? You know he's not right? Like, do you say speedwalk seven hours? There's a guy who's an Olympic.

He's one of the most winning Olympic long distance coaches. And he has a whole thing about this. Or they'll take you on a treadmill. Put it at your goal. To get inclined and you'll walk, just walk as fast at four miles an hour for 15 minutes called the beast. Good luck with that. But you will build your cardiovascular, your endurance. Yeah.

Where you be able to run without without having. You took it too serious. Dude, get on EPO. Dude, yeah. It's bad for his heart. He's got to be careful. Now you get a guy who's monitoring. Dude, I'm telling you.

Because you start thinking your head. Just, okay, this is what's wrong with my brain. This is what's immediately wrong with my brain. What if I beat Joe? Like let's hypothetically, let's play that scenario out. Why don't you guys have a walk competition? Why don't you have a speedwalking? Well, you just told Bert to do that.

Yeah. That looks so fucking weird. But dude, it's really like what if you, what if, what if you were to beat him? Can you imagine the. Someone's going to die because if Joe, because you guys can monitor it, right? You'd have. Joe's going to see like a day before, but I go I'm 100 miles away from beating Bert. He's going to run like 100 miles to them.

night or something like that. Yeah, Joe would do. Crazy. Joe does it. I don't have Joe's brain. He doesn't, you guys don't care as much as he does. I go into a math of it where I go, okay, if I walked at a 4.5, that's 15 minutes. If I walk at a 4, that's 15 minute miles.

Now, if I did 10 of those, that's 150 minutes. I start doing the math of it. Joe just goes, I'll do it until my dick bleeds. Yeah, whatever it takes. I'll do it until someone's, it's weird. They pull me off of him. I'll do it until, like, his brain is not my brain. But there's fighters like that I remember guys like like I'm willing to die and they're like I'm not

I'm not no no no as soon as you seem in trouble throw that towel yeah Nate Markport said that one time throw that towel I did a podcast and he goes I'm willing to die I've never been like I'm not that guy I'm not that guy Have you ever heard about like with yesterday and this is just scratching the service I said so what do you think about when you run hills he goes the people are chasing me or raping my family on top of the mountain And I go there's some deep that's what you think about I just go like oh I want to cheat tonight on fucking I've got to mention it with the girls. Yeah. I'll run one more mile.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm like, I'm gonna have a cabaret egg. Yeah. I'll run three more so I can eat that egg. Yeah. I'm usually motivated by food.

Goes back to your childhood. Were you safe as a child or were you not? I was very safe. See, I didn't feel very safe. We're talking about eating candy and shit to run extra miles. Yeah. You guys are talking about getting fucking rape.

I told someone, I told someone, I told someone I was molested and I didn't realize I had been molested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, that counted? Like, that's how fucking say if I was the story. I was running a half marathon.

Let's not get too deep into it. I was running a half marathon with Jim Florentine. And he goes, how many concussions do you think you had? I said, oh, I probably had a few. And he goes, really, I said, I won so bad. They had to wake me up every hour and feel my testicles. He was like, huh? And I was like, yeah.

Like, that's how bad it was. Like, they had to wake me up and feel my testicles and dick like every hour. And he was like, hey, man, I think you were molested. And I was like, what? He was like, I think you're. were molested. I go, no, no, no. That's like they give you a physical and he goes, no, Bert, they just wake you up. They just wake you. And I was, we were running, I laughed so hard. I was like, I was like, wait, was I was I was molested and we laughed so, and he was like,

I can't believe you, you never knew that. Yeah, yeah, they definitely don't have to feel your balls. He's like, well, whatever. Let's see if you can get hard because it, there's a parasympathetic frontal medial cortex. I have no, like, I, it didn't hold me back. It didn't bother me. And we laughed hysterically and I was like are you serious? And he was like the look on his face made me die love. He goes, yeah, when you get a concussion, they don't have to fill your balls at all. Yeah, they don't have to do that. It's so funny.

But yeah, I grew up very safe. Sounds like it. Very safe. I was, I mean, I think that's the problem with me is that like, I'm everything they hate about white privilege. I go, oh yeah, like we were, I was saying this to you the other night. I go, I'm so shocked people care about things this much. Like, I don't care about fucking.

anything. Like, I just go, oh, yeah. Me too. My fives matter? Okay. I'm cool with everything. Yeah. No. Whatever you guys want to do, man. Yeah, I'll help out. Yeah, I'm in. Yeah, I'm in. I see. I never do about anything that much. I extrapolate. I go, well, if that idea gains hold, then what happens is order breaks down. Then you have the government collapses and you have a sub war of roving gangs. So I got to buy guns. I go through the whole fucking. I'm like, me and Rogan will go, we'll go all the way down the Ravicle. It's because you guys were raised unsafe a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Very.

Joe definitely had an unsafe life. Chaotic. It's chaotic. But a lot of people, comics have to be dark and have to be sad. I'm like, I know a lot of guys who aren't. No. Very funny.

I'm just silly. I like, I like giggling. So does DeLea. So do you. I live to be a silly goose. Yeah. I mean, I have my dysfunction,

obviously. Anybody knows me. It's super silly. You're silly as fuck, yeah. The silliest comic alive is Toglass. Oh my God. No one's funnier than Toglass.

You ready for this? Todd Glass. I got one. Hold on. Hold on. Go on. I know what you're about to do. Are you about to read text from Todd Glass? Please do these greatest things. If you are lucky enough to know Todd Glass, you'll get these type of texts from Todd Glass. I'll read mine first. You read yours. He's so funny. You ready? Yeah. Hey, Bert, you know, it would be fun. If we could just do a whole show, you just have doctors and foods and presents. And it would be better for people that if they can't cook. Wouldn't that be great. We'd be great. We'd be great. tips maybe. That's July 1st, July

2nd. Because you didn't get right back to me, I hope the next time you're in New York, there's another 9-11. Two seconds later. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, that was meant for my sister. Todd Glass is the fucking greatest. He's great. I get this. DeLea, me and Brennan,

on the same text. He just goes, my bank account can't get below 1.3 mill, L.O.L. The bills come in, but I just keep making more. make it. I just keep period. Making period. Make in period. Brandon. Ha ha. I go, Chris. And then Chris goes, yo.

Also Brendan, because Brennan laughed. He goes, then I just get this from Chris. This is a pause. Chris goes, I can fuck anyone in the ass. And I go, that's an obnoxious text. What? And he goes, male or female. I go, you simply can't be this disrespectful. He goes, you name anyone. And I go, me. And he goes, I can do it.

Bro, I'll fucking come at you. Like, I'll drive down there and piece you up. I box, he goes. Peace you up. He goes, I'll fuck your ass no matter what. And then everybody goes, ha, ha, ha. Brendan, say something. You know what we should do.

We should do one of the funniest things ever. Were you on the email when Paige at the improv accidentally sent a veils out to everyone and c-seed everyone? No. Or yeah, maybe. I love Paige. It was brutal. It started off with like, it started off fun. This is going to get shitty a little bit, but it started off fun with like,

hey guys, I'm not available to do spots. And then someone's like, is everyone on this? Someone's dead serious. I can't do it. And then someone wrote. And then Jeff Ross wrote, hey, are this Kalar brothers on this? And they're like, yeah. They're like, when you guys do a spot, do you have to split the money?

And they're like, yeah, we get paid the same as Brad William. we get paid half. And then Brad Williams was, hey, why did I get mentioned? And then Eliza writes, hey, guys, this is really annoying. Can you guys just take me off this text? And it was a shit storm.

That's like so shaking guys. Hold on for a second here. It was a shit storm. I think I jumped in and part of that. But it was fucking hilarious. We should start a mass chat thread with all the comedians we know and we have in our phone.

And be like, hey guys, it's Bert. I just included everyone on this. I hope we can all have fun with it. You can print a book with that. Just say, want everybody to have a nice day. Just start with that. And he'll just get shit on. Oh, fuck yourself.

There's always that one person like Sigura going, why did you give up my phone number? Tom, too, got a new phone number because I gave his phone number out on stage one night. Did you really? Drunk, yeah. Oh, no. He doesn't know that totally. Does now.

Well, he knows a little bit now. I don't think this will get to him. You guys can keep a secret, right? Some people have my... No one's listening. I got drunk. And I called him. I was doing a calling sick to work show in Tampa.

And I got drunk and I called him. And it went to voicemail. I said, oh, let's leave him with voicemail. And he goes, the number is, two, one, three. Oh, no. And I just gave it out. I didn't realize I was so drunk. I was so drunk.

You know what I was? I'd never get, I drink on stage. I do drink on stage every now and then. But for the most part, I'm stone sober on stage usually. I don't like to drink on stage, especially if I'm doing like my theater tour, Body Shot World Tour, Auckland, New Zealand, June 15th. Sydney, we added a show on the 20th. 22nd in Melbourne,

26th in Brisbane, we've added a show, and in Perth on the 29th, both those shows sold out, so we added a third show on the 30th. You're going out to Australia? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you been there before?

I have, yeah. It's the best. I love it. I fucking love it. Really? I should do. Oh, my God, yes. You never done it?

No. Really? Can I tell you what I would, Can I tell you what I would want? Chin, best place you ever been? Yes, top two in the world ever. I would, I would even. Oh, Ireland, too.

Where, go ahead. I wish I had known that because I would have just, split the money with you and done the same size venues and us just co-headline because I would have a love that I would have a friend out there I don't have anyone what a great time I'm going by myself I'm going by myself I would have went with you I would have gone I'm going on myself I would have I would open for you I would have emceed for you what was I saying right before that what was I about to tell you the story of and I was

like went to Australia no I was and then I started doing tour dates body shots world tour uh what the fuck was I saying oh uh group chat group chat group chat Oh, yeah. Osterger's phone up. Oh, the drunkest I ever been. Yes. So, um, so I got done this show. If you can find pictures of it on Facebook, like I do the meet and greet.

I am so, I'm blackout drunk. I'm blackout drunk. I ended the show and they're yelling at the machine and I go, no, I'm fucking done. Please drop the mic and walked away, right? I go, I do the meet and greet. I'm black out drunk. I wake up in a house. What city is this?

Tampa. Wake up in a house. I've never been in my entire fucking life. I get up and I'm in a bed And I'm like, oh my God I'm totally naked My clothes are on the ground That ain't gonna do it

The first thing I do is I look around And I'm like, I go Where's my wallet? Where's my check? Like I don't have anything I don't have my backpack I got nothing It's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon

Because he's calling sick to work shows I used to do happen to 11 I do radio, I drink at radio I go in, we drink for the show It would be chaos right? They'd get done it too We'd stay at the bar and drink I get up in this house

And I walk out. I have jeans on now. And I'm like, hello? No one's there. Hello? Never seen this house in my life. I'm walking around. And I'm like, it's a really nice house.

And I'm like, is anybody here? The phone rings. You have no kidney? The phone rings. I don't answer it. I'm like, fuck no. I grab my phone. I look at my location where I'm on my map.

I have no. I'm in like such a weird part of Tampa. I'm like, shut the fuck up. I look around. There's pictures of me up in the front. fucking mantle. And I'm like, how they have fucking pictures of me, like as a kid? You're in a superfan's house. The door opens. My parents had bought a new house and I fucking forgot about it. And I was in their new house. My dad walked through the fucking door. He's like,

hey, what do you think of the new house? I'd never seen it yet. And I was like, oh my fucking God, I thought I had fucking been kidnapped by a super fan. That's hilarious. Dude, yeah. That's nuts. Yeah, Tampa. I don't do this calling sick to work shows anymore. Dude, what's his, that's a while. That's you put. Burr Chrysler's credit card was stolen 40,000 charged. That's not real, right? Yeah, it sounds right.

Did that happen? Yeah, I think it was Lakers tickets. Someone charged 40, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's charged Lakers tickets. And I think that's the story. I know that when he got stolen, they bought like Corside Lakers tickets. So then they call me and they tell me, hey, this is a while ago. They go, your credit card was stolen.

They've used it to buy Lakers tickets. you didn't buy these things. I said, no. And they went, okay. Well, we're going to, just so you know, we're going to be down at the arena and we're going to arrest those people that bought those tickets. And I went, oh, cool. I go, hey, man, what happens to those tickets?

And they're like, huh? I said, well, like, obviously, no one's sitting in those seats. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. Well, I think we're going to just commandeer those seats. The cops said that. And I was like, oh, so you guys are just going to go to the fucking Lakers game? You motherfuckers?

Give me the tickets, man. That's like what you. you're on a plane and there's like a there are empty first class seats. It drives me nuts. And like nobody's allowed to sit. But also when like a mom with a baby walks by, I'm like, dude, give her the fucking seat. Yeah. No one's sitting here. Yeah. They won't do

it. So weird, man. But it is weird when you, because sometimes once you offer something to someone publicly, then everyone goes, oh, well, I'll just take that from him too. Well, also, you'd have to like, so what happens is I know it would happen. You got an empty first class seat and you go, we'll

choose you. And then the other guy goes, why won't you choose me? What? Well, but you don't even have to make an announcement. I got a lady with a two-year-old. My wife put me on blast on that on a flight. We're sitting in the exit row. I'm sitting in the single seat.

She's sitting in the one with two seats, right? But it's an extra leg room. And there's a seat open next to her. And I know that. We know that that's available. And I'm like, you have that whole row. I'll take this. We'll get the whole road to ourselves.

A guy walks by who's like 6-6. It looks like a ball player, right? like a pro athlete. He's white out. And he sits, he is white. And he sits, uh,

a seat in front of my wife and his knees are all cramped up. And I, and I just go, and I go, Hey, bro, you want this seat? And he goes, huh? I said,

the seat next to my wife's available. I, we were going to have the whole road, but you look uncomfortable. Why don't you have this single seat? I'll say next to my wife. And he goes, uh,

hey man, I really appreciate that. And I go, of course, he sits down and my wife goes, why didn't you give it to the, like the tall girl or the overweight girl. Why wouldn't you give that to...

And I go... And I go, what do you mean? She goes, because they have no value to you? Because he has value to you. That's what happened. Because he's a man and he's bigger. And you look at him and you go, and you cuck up and you're like, hey, bro, what this... You cuck up?

You didn't even recognize. I didn't even... I go, I go, there's women on this flight? Yeah. I didn't even see them. Yeah, yeah. She goes, yeah, they have no fucking value to you. And I was like, really.

No, they're more flexible. No good deed goes on punch. Dude, I was like, I literally... It must have been a parade of fucking horrors just walking past me. Just the Omega Moose. What was it? The Omega Moos. Was that the one from...

Do you remember when Booger opened the door and Revenge of the Nerds? Was it the Omega Moos? I don't remember. I forget it. Revenge of the Nerds? I always start walking. You've never seen that movie? Oh, yeah.

A great movie, yeah. Dude, because of that, I fucked up putting a condom on for the first time. Really? Yeah. Do you remember when they... You really got to know this movie. I watch this movie a lot, but they walk the two nerds in, the Alpha's do. The Alpha Omega's.

and they see two sheep there and they go gentlemen and they go like this with condoms and they rolled out. They like, they had unrolled and they just went, and I went,

oh, so the first time I put on a condom I go, you got to unroll it like Revenge of the Nerds or the way my mom rolls my socks up because it was all rolled up so I unrolled it thinking that's how you put on a condom

I never put a condom before. I'm 17 years old. I go to slide it on and when I push it over, air's trapped in the side of it. And as I push, it just inflates. Uh-huh.

And I'm, like, trying to squeeze the air out of it. Like, I'm making balloon animals. And so I fucking ruined that condom. That's the first time I tried to put a condom on. Who's the girl? Do you remember? Yeah, of course I remember. Yeah.

Do you want to hear of that? Are you dating or was it a one night's day? Dating. Dating. So I go out to Jeff Hartley. He's in the living room. We're watching Pet Cemetery. He's with his girl.

We had two condoms. We got him at Exxon. You're 17 years old. We got him into Exxon on the corner. Dale Mabrie and Erlick. So I go over. Shout to Exxon. So I go over.

I go, hey, man, I need that. I need that other condom. And he's like, you already did it? And I go, long story, it was broken. And he was like, all right, so I grab it. And then words like reservoir tip, pinch the reservoir tip makes sense to me. I go, oh, yeah. Roll it over.

Even putting it off felt good. I was like, whoa. I thought I always felt weird. Oh, who's the first condom I've ever put on in my life? I hear it. Other than the one where I made the balloon animals. So then I get on top of her real time. One.

done one pump one pump that's right done oh wow done of course caught me so off hard not me man really you didn't suffer from premature ejaculation now oh bro I did all through my 20s I'm one pump when she's like what

she looked at me dead serious looks at my look on my face and goes are you gonna put it in I missed her vagina I fucked between her butt cheek in the bed and came I didn't even fuck a person oh no I fucked a mattress And you came.

And then I had to fuck her now with a compromise condom. You have to protect. It was like going on a hike going, hey, why don't you get those dry socks and shoes? Jump in the river real quick. We'll go for a hike. Dude, it was. You can't feel anything. Such a bummer.

Your dick's barely well at that age you're good to go. My first time, I mean, I never fucked with a condom. I mean, I'm never like jack. You were never a big condom wear, were you? Still not. They're for pussies. So, uh, dude, I fucking come on. Come on.

Who wears condoms? What are we doing? Syphilus? Bring it. Am I right? Yeah, I didn't mean to do that. Why don't I fucking reach that. No, come on, dude.

No, but, um, fuck, I high-fived you on that. I even think if I had my first gay experience, I'd be like, bro, you're putting on a condom? What's wrong with you? What's what kind of bitch move is that? The fuck, dude, raw dog me. Yeah, come on, dude, raw dog me. You like that I'm getting fucked in this gay experience? I know.

In this scenario, I just totally oblivious, I was like, raw dog me, bro. I want to be infected. That was impressive. That was impressive, man. But with the condom, I couldn't feel anything. So I lasted forever. And it was so uncomfortable. She was dry.

It was a nightmare. No, not a good experience. Nightmare. Her dad walked in on us. Oh, no. Yeah. Really? And he was drunk, so he didn't realize what was going on.

He was like, hey, it's the New Year ball. All right, you guys are tired. And then close the door, I'm like, tired. I'm balls deep in your daughter here, sir. What would you do? That's what you'd say. You guys must be tired. I went quiet.

I got stiff. And then he left. She was like, oh, my. My God, I'm like, anyway. Anyway. There we go. As you were. As I was laying it down.

It was not very romantic, was not very porno-ish. It was awful. Dry. That's a porn that I would like to see two virgins. Now, I'm not saying like 17-year-olds. I'd like to see two 20-year-old virgins have sex for the first time. I want to see, do they have virgin porn? And I don't want to see a guy.

It's a fake. It's a fake. You don't do. The first time you have sex is not like. Let's do it on camera for everybody. Dude, you know what, though? I meant to tell you when you're talking about the porn. You're like, I like the taxi cab one.

The British guy? I can't get into it. He picks up the hot girls. Yeah, oh, I've always. And he's like, you know, you don't have to pay for the fair if you help me out here. I don't watch porn anymore.

Do you still watch porn? I watch porn this morning. I don't watch it. Yeah, I haven't watched porn in so long. Oh, I've watched psychopath. I know. Dude, I like the old memory base. I don't even know.

I need a good story. I can't jump right to the money shot. There's one I watched that. I got obsessed with. And it was called getting fucked in the ass on a mountain top. Right? Okay.

And it was... I'll see male feet. If you, can you just Google it? Google it on you, on porn hub, getting fucked in the ass on the mountain top. Yeah,

on porn hub. Yeah, who doesn't use porn hub. Chin watches black and white. Guys. Wait, guys on guys? Whatever you want.

Getting fucked in the house. All right, what are you looking for? Mountain Top. What's going on in there? Fooked in the ass mountain top. Fucked in the ass mountain top. here's what here

bang bros piss me off never shows the money shot at the end it's that girl it's that girl to the far right this one no no to left to the left to left there this one now look first of all they're so high up dude they're first of all my first off thought is they really hiked that is a vista she hiked what a terrifying hike to know I'm just getting up here a great workout to hit for him to fuck me in the ass

what a great work how bad was the hike down how is hard is this working woman working to fix this relationship how much is she can pay to do this look at her A nine mile hike To the top of Everest Look at her heels She's gonna yeah Well this is fantastic birds

Now this is on a Tinder date idea Fuck her asshole on a mountain top Look at dude She is hot Okay ready I love doing all the back story I'm kind of anxious

Where are they are they in the US Do you think? No No I don't think so No You think they're in Serbia No Brazil

I was gonna say I was gonna say Switzerland That's gonna be America Ain't that America guys Let me see what she looks like Well those undies Are definitely from Victoria's Secret Yeah

Yeah, but they're like old school, Victoria's season. Now, is that her hands or is that the... That's his hands. Oh, he's European. How flexible do you think she? She had to be super flexible. I can't tell the angle's so weird. She has to have an out of body experience.

Look out of, those are soft hands. This is European. They're also coming down on the top. Are those her hands? Yeah. Dude, does that not confuse it for anyone else? No, it's not. The guys...

Well, she doesn't have the fattest ass in the way. All right. All right. Now let's pause here. Let's go type in Brenda from the bar. Okay? This is the realest porn I've ever seen in my life. Wait, how's that one end?

This one, uh, oh, fucking silent walk down a hill. Are they like, well, let's hydrate up and get back down the mountain. Well, it looks like I'll be dripping out of you. Let's hydrate up. Brenda from the bar. Where is she? She's in a giant? What a way to make a living.

Brenda? I'm actually kind of watch a giant's jersey. I have a giant erection. at the bar maybe who is princess of the bottom left? type in from the bar type in from the bar maybe it's not Brenda

it's Rhonda from the bar God cat could sue the bar No try Rhonda from the bar Ronda seems like it would be her name Is this a Me Too movie Cause Kat's there? Yep there's Rhonda from the bar Which one guy's asshole right here

Oh dear Okay by the way Oh Okay wait wait wait wait hold on Yeah but look at Yeah Yeah But tell me this

title isn't perfect. Oh, it's Wednesday. It's early Wednesday. I've had whiskey. And she is, and tell me, watch it. She is. H. H. Hibolard deep in his ass. I want everyone to do the backstory of how this started, okay? Because as it starts, I say to myself, okay, it's a Sunday. The Sunday games are over on the East Coast. Her team's played. Giants, my loss. Hit play. It's already frozen on me. So, shit. I got a virus. She starts. Hit play again, Chin. Oh my God. It's frozen. my computer? The Giants already lost. Have you seen this? No. I've never seen this. I just threw that out.

Did I nail it, Bert? You nailed this so fucking brilliantly. Why, what happened? I can't tell you. Yes! Make sure you bring that up, Chin. Why, what happened? She's in a fucking Giants jersey sucking this guy's dick. She's wearing a Giants, and then you go, she clearly works at the bar.

It's Sunday. The games are over. Look at this. She's in a fucking Giants fucking jersey. She's in a, is that a Ron Dane or is that a barber? I find her strangely attractive. Who would you say? She's got such a great attitude. But like, you know that she's like, this isn't love, but I do this.

This is what I got. That's like, first of all, it says Midwestfreeks.com. That guy's so hard. Here's the thing. He's so hard. I don't think I've ever been that hard. She's braring to go. Here's the thing, though.

She's not really a professional issue. No, no. She just got off at, like, Ben again. She's doing a good job. She's doing a good job here. I mean, a little. You can fast forward somewhat. There's some real guy.

Look, she looked at the camera. Hey, look how flat his ass is. Yeah, yeah. He has a terrible body, but she's... He's just flat as ever seen in my life. I don't notice this. Oh, that is the flat as that. Wow.

What's she blowing on it for? Oh, nothing worse. She's a, she's got a great attitude. Look at her, look at her shoes match her jersey. Her shoes match her jersey. She's a real friend. giant's fat. Now she

Dude, that's somebody straight up house. Look at the lighting doesn't even match up. Where are they lighting? Why's the light back there? There's been some some real nipples.

She's got three tattoos. One's on her fucking face. Oh, I just knows the face tat. She needs to pay the bills. Yeah. Because she's not hot, but Brian's turned on.

And here's the other, here's how you know it's homemade. He has Haynes underwear on. Haynes logo is in the fucking shot. I mean, Haines hates that. Haynes like, God damn. Why does his hand behind his back?

I guess for the camera. Well, he does no idea what he's doing. Fast forward at Chin. How far you were going to go? Let me see what she starts eating his ass on. I don't approve of any of this. Oh, here we go. Go Giants.

Look at his tattoo, Corinthians. Wow, in a hairy chest. This thing is frozen on me again. That's good. That's a good. That's a good picture. I think we got the idea. You had a girl lick your assort?

What a disaster. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Am I right? All right. Yeah. there goes my computer

Oh don't This is Well you guys Have the whiskey Oh, Don't act like you're A pall How dare you

Wait what? Why? He goes All right Enough Get the What the fuck? Here's the problem

With my wife Is that if I went To eat my wife's ass If I went to eat My wife's ass She'd be like Hey, You can't eat my ass

And then eat my pussy I'm gonna get sick My wife's like a legit Yeah But that's your wife Though Yeah But I appreciate

that you're, you know, you guys still have a Yeah, I haven't eaten her ass in a long time. The, uh, she's, that's my wife is like, we did reverse Calgar. I did this in one of my specials. We did reverse Calgary one time. She's like, what is it? And I was like, you don't even know what it is? She's like, no, what we tell me what to do?

I'll do it. And I was like, well, you turn around. She's like, I face the wall. And I was like, yeah. It must be pretty boring. She goes, I feel disconnected. Like, what are you looking at my asshole? And I go, yeah, we normally don't talk like this while they do it.

Well, now I'm out. Yeah, now I'm out. Stop being clinical. Stop playing ignorant. Do I hold your ankles? No one reverse cowgirl is first. Oh. Yeah.

We just watched a lot of porno together, guys. Yeah. Dude, that's the way I used to watch it in like ninth grade. Just a huge song. It's just fucking weird. 52 years old. Hard is a rock. Hey, guys, you want to see an accomplishment?

My dick. The thing is, that thing was more sad than anything. That was just like a regular gal just got off. Giants lost. She's got a molars deep and some guys assholes. When I see a tattoo like that on the face, I'm like, yeah, I do too. And I think to myself, you're hypersexual as well, and you're replacing the addiction with. Right.

I like the backstories of porn. Do you ever see a woman in a car, like a certain car, and she's got the dice hanging from the rear view? She's got the fake nails. Oh, nothing better. She's got the windows. You're like, you have, you dance in a pole for a living 100%, and I really appreciate. appreciate that. You know, I do?

I just pull up, roll my window, crumb up, cash, and throw it and go. I love them. Here's for nursing school. Good luck. Good luck. Cash. Yeah. Dude, if I had a nickel for every stripper I fell in love with?

Yep. So many. Do you still go? I get a heat. I haven't gotten in a while. I went with bread Ernest one time, right? We're both in Fort Lauderdale, and he's like, yo, we're going to go out. We're going to party.

We go out and party, but it's kind of lame. He goes, let's just go to a strip club. So we go to this trip club. This girl comes by and she goes, you guys want, oh, my God, you're Bert the Conqueror? And I was like, oh, yeah. And she goes, my kid loves your show. And I was like, oh, cool. And she was like, do you mind if I get a picture?

And I was like, yeah, I don't mind. She goes, all right, I'll be right back. She goes and gets dressed. And I guess backstage tells all the girls, Bert the Conquerers out, all the girls' kids want them. They all get sucked up that way. They all get dressed. And I take pictures out in the front. Ernst is like, dude, you're the fucking worst to be with at a strip club.

They all get fucking dressed. And so I haven't been to strip club since. except for what's the one you ever go to the one in Cleveland by the old improv it was called God it was

Diamond I'm such a prude It was so intense I had to like shut it down Hey man Hey hey Hey

be cool Last morning Be cool We went to a strip club I'm playing all like I'm like I don't go to strip clubs either I don't know I've been with you in some of those

He's like cool bro Hey bro don't fuck around Be cool man We went to a strip club in... Last morning. In Norway? No, no. Last morning.

Stockholm? No, it was in one of the last cities we did in Scandinavia. How long ago? This was a couple weeks ago. Hell yeah. And me and Mark Norman. And so we go to one and it's called Waterloo. So we go over to the guy and we're like, hey, we want to get, is this place fun?

He goes, yeah, but you guys need cash. We don't take credit cards at all, even for getting in. So we go, all right, where's the guy? bank machine. You knew this, though, yeah? Yeah, but I thought they had a bank machine aside. Every strip club does. And he goes, you got to go around the corner. So we go around the corner. And we see another place called Secrets or whatever. So Mark goes, we should check out that place. We're already so close to it. And it's starting to rain.

So we're with our tour manager, my cameraman and Mark Norman. So we get money. We go over to secrets. And we go, hey guys, is it fun in there? And he goes, yeah, but I mean, may not be the right place for you guys. And we're like, do they do full nude? And he goes full nude. So do you guys serve alcohol? And he goes, yeah. And we're like, okay. What's the problem? Yeah, yeah.

And he goes, well, listen, guys, our girls are looking for, like, more of a commitment. And we go. Oh, they like to play. Huh? And we're like, he's like, you know, the kind of girls, they want to take you downstairs and, like, be with you. You know what my brain goes? There you go. We're so drunk.

I don't have to look. I get to touch, too. All we heard was commitment and we couldn't stop laughing. Commitment? We're like, so we do, like, they go down, take it downstairs and like, hey, let's catch up on game of Thrones. Like, hey, we should adopt a dog together. Like, we could not stop laughing. And the guy's like, you know what I mean? Come on in. We're like, no, we don't want commitment. Hey, Mark Norman, the New York comic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your fucking guy in the road? He took me, I took him

with him. Dude, he's amazing. I broke him quick as a little bitch. He's like, what do you mean? He went to go party with me. He's so talented, man. He went to party in, in, uh... I had no idea you guys were... Oh, yeah. I've just been jerking him off for the last two weeks. Oh, he's the best. Dude, next time he comes out, I have him on the podcast. That guy is an open fucking book. He's so funny. He's got stories that are all fucking blow your mind. How old is he?

35. I don't know. I don't know. 20 something. What did you mean him at? He's a New York guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd known him.

I'd met him through Amy Schumer a long time ago in Portland. And I'd just known him. And I knew he partied. And I was like, yo, let's do Europe together. And I go just so you know, I go pretty hard on the road. And he was like, yeah, I got you. Second day in. He was like, I'm fucking tapped.

He was like, I broke him quick. Dude, he's so fucking funny. He's hilarious, man. Because I discovered him. I knew of him, but I discovered him because I was doing, I was talking about this on Monday, but I was doing press in Cleveland. And he has this epic press. Dude.

You've seen that? That, dude. Have you seen that? I posted that. That is the funniest. It's the best ever. Here, I'll show you the, I'll say you. He's so fucking funny, man.

Being around him makes you funnier, right? So, like, because he's a joke guy. So he's silly. He likes to giggle. Real professional, though. And so I. came up with this. I was going to post this on Instagram, but it made Mark and I laugh, but my wife didn't get

the joke. She was like, I don't get it. It says Amy Schumer presents Mark Norman. She did his special. That's always weird when comics do that, right? Yeah, a little weird. What, did he used to open for her something? He did. This is, I was going to tweet this. I was going to tweet this. Tell me, it made Mark

and I laugh. No expression. I was going to mute Marley Matlin. She can't speak. Anyway. She can't. I don't know if she is. She's a deaf actress.

Oh, Marley Madlin, who was in Children of a Lesser God. I was going to mute her. Oh, my God. It made us laugh so fucking hard. It's pretty funny. It's fucked up, but it's pretty funny. I was going to tweet it out and then put it on Instagram. Yeah, and Mark and I were dying fucking laughing. She's very political and I was like, oh, mute.

Does he headline shows himself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's on tour. Yeah, he's a beach. I was trying to get him to go to Australia with me. He's like, I can't do it, man. It was like, we got him addicted to Ambien. Like, he was like.

you're just going solo? Going solo? Who's going to open for you? Some Australian comics? Yeah. Local comics and then... I'd have to go with somebody. It becomes extremely expensive, though.

It's so expensive. Because you've got to fly them out, you've got to put them up, and you've got to pay them. Well, I brought... I didn't bring it open, and I cold opened all my shows, those theaters in Australia. You just walked up there yourself and started it? And it's... Jesus Christ. Chin would announce to go, all right, because he's, you know, he's not an entertainer.

So, Chin would get on the... You go, all, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, wait. Oh, Ligmaris. Here we go. It's super racist. Who's our, oh. I don't think that's how he talks, Bert.

Have you been listening to Chin? Bert, that would have been better because what he did was go, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for, you know I'm from fighting the kid in showtime. Oh, God. Put your hands together. He's my boss. Brendan Schaub.

Great. Respect. Respect. Respect. He did well. You did well. I know that. Oh, yeah.

That's no joke. I called open for like the first year. Really? Yeah, I didn't bring anyone. Yeah, I, uh... I went all odds against me. I figured it's like the worst case scenario. I reached out to a lot of people.

Chris DeStefano I reached out to. I was like... Dude, I love him too. Dude, Christa Steffo. Have you guys had him on here? No. Me and him was supposed to meet up in New York. I feel like me and him are lost brothers.

He is... Oh, he's a great guy. He is next fucking... I love this guy. He's a show of Connoissecoe. He's a podcast fucking gold. I hang out with him with that Duff. He's great.

He's a great guy. He knew we're supposed to connect in New York. We're going to trading DMs. He'd call me, babe, and it was a little weird, so I didn't meet up with it. Cus, oh, cause. Let me tell you something, cause. He's the best. He's the best.

He's the best. He's the best. He's so funny. I had him on something's burning. I went out and did a bunch of episodes, something that's burning. In New York? He had me dying fuck. Cuzz, you don't do the fucking slap the pussy thing?

Oh, duh, bro, bro, bro. He's a fucking, he's a guy. He's funny. He's funny. I've hung with him. I've hung with him many times with dogs. He's funny. I love him right away.

I go, who is this guy? He's a great guy. Him and Mark, I want to get a house. There's a lot of guys that I wish would, I wish me. That's New York.

New York fucking comics are just the best. Dude, he came on my podcast, and it was so out of the fucking gate. He's like, I got warts. Who gives a five? I think I text you once I saw.

I was a case of a good dude because I love his comedy. He is so goddamn funny. Yeah, all of those guys. There's a lot of guys. Yonis, uh, Yanis Pappi,

Pappas, Andrew Schultz, did Schultz go on your show? Yeah, he's a beast from my show. He's a beast and he's, I love the way he's running this business. I think it's the same, I think he's got the same mentality. Us L.A. Comics are. It's like, yo. But in New York.

It's harder in New York because everything's more expensive. If you want to shoot something, everything's more expensive. But also in New York, it's, to me, I feel like it's not as a welcoming community. It's more doggie dog. We're out here. Yeah. Like, there are some assholes. holes in the game who are great comics, but in general

we kind of help each other out. We all go on each other's shows. Circle jerk. I said it. Who you get? I'm a podcast, Chris Ostefano. Dude, we'll call him right now. Call him up.

Call him up. Call him a Puck. Dude, when's Mark coming out here? I'm calling him. I've the biggest crush on him. Bring back up that point of that guy balls deep in the other guy. What? Just kidding.

Wait, what? Wait, what happened? Yeah, he's. You've just seen cat's face. Have you met, Chris? No, never met him. We're supposed to meet up in New York when I was out there for press.

But he kept calling me babe through tax. I was like, alright, well. Nah, it's just a New York thing. He's spelled this stuff. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Let's call him. Dude, he is so fucking funny.

And he's just real as fuck. Like, that's what I love. And he has kids. Yeah, he's got his daughter. Yeah. All right, here we go. Here's a real question. Does he answer when it comes from me?

He goes, send this guy a fucking voicemail. He's going to answer if he's around. He might be working. What time is it there? No. It's 4 o'clock there, dude. Or it's 5 o'clock. It's probably on a train.

He's on the subway. He's on a subway, bro. You think? Yeah. They don't get service done. What if he picks out of the phone? What the fuck you want? Your call has been forwarded to an automated point of the number.

Don't tell the number. Three? Oh, no, no, no, no. All right, let me go to the bathroom. You go to the bathroom? I got a P2. Let's take a break. Chris is.

You. Hey, I'm sitting here, a fighter and the kid. Next time you come L.A., you have to do the show. I'm with Brendan and Brian right now. You're on the air, you're on the air. Fuck yeah, what's going on? What's up, bro? We're talking about how funny you are.

Hey, Chris, why are you? I heard you were texting with Brennan, and you were referring to him as babe. But, you know, I have father still alive. Once he dies, I'll probably just come straight out with it, but I'm definitely very sexually attracted to Brendan, but I'm not openly gay yet. I'm pushing it down.

That's why I got big triceps. But I do call him, babe. It just leaks out a little bit. What's up, babe? No, I got you. That's up, babe. Wait, is there a very good answer? Now, let me ask you this.

As soon as he dies. Yeah. I'm going to come out. Now, you're a thick, you're a thick kind of alpha type, a strong kid. Now, when you're gay, obviously you're attracted. Do you want to fuck Brendan or get fucked by Brendan?

Um, for Brendan, I'd like to actually get fucked by him because I want to feel like kind of like that prowess. You know, I'd like to be kind of like his subject for a night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Brian, fuck you. Wait, wait, wait, Chris, Chris, Chris, is there any chemical concoction that could expect

tonight these matters? Like, if you had a drink, if you give me, yeah, if you guys give me, I don't know if you guys know, but yeah, if you give me white wine and antihistamines, then I'll do, I'll be a power bottom. You can come on my ass, whatever you might. So it's the whole thing. It's indeed. Hey, you know what the best part is. This happened on going to give his daughter popsicles.

Yeah, he's in his daughter's populous. He's in a right aide going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Claritin D and Peter Grisio, you can come on my ass. He's in the fucking, yeah, they're in the aisle next to him, and go, don't get the Claritin D. Yeah, yeah. If you ever catch a question of a right age, you know what's going on.

No, I understand. Chris, come on, if I had a kid. First of all, congrats on your hair. Congrats on your big blue eyes and your strong jaw. I've said that to you in person. And you got some, and you got some, and you got some shoulders on you. So at the end of the day, it hurts me that you could hold me down, but, you know, I agree.

Yeah, no. Guys, one does have late-stage diabetes. So he's kind of just on the cusp of dying, so I can't just show up for the podcast. I'm going to have to jerk off a few times, or I will try to fuck Brendan on here. That's the kind of attitude we're looking for out of you, young man. That's a go-getter right there. We love you, man. Love you, guys.

All right. I'll talk to you later, buddy. Good luck with you kids. White males, we're back. White males are back. Yeah, we're back. We're back. All right, bye.

White males, we're back. Dude, he is so fucking funny. Dude, he's... Oh, my God. Pino Grezio and Clarit and Dee. He kills me. Dude, there's so many of those guys in New York that are fucking hilarious right now. Tim Dillon's moving out here.

He's fucking... Is he moving out here? He's moving out here. Yeah. We did episodes of Something's Burning in... New York, we did 10 of them. And dude, every fucking episode, I was dying fucking laughing. That's so weird. Mark Norman

opens up for him, because I was just fucking talking about it. So great. Yeah, he's, he's amazing. He's a great comic. He makes you, it makes a fun to be a comic. I can't get like, like, dude, obviously I love Burr, but like, Burr's brain is so, like, dialed in that when you hang out with him, you come out a little heavy sometimes.

Yeah, fuck him. So intense. Yeah. But, uh, but like, Mark Norman's just always silly. He's like, what about this for a joke? Like, I came up with a joke. I haven't really figured it out yeah, but I go, we took showers and I said, in our own, in our rooms. And we got down and I said, hey, man, was the curtain like touching you? And he goes, yeah, it happened to me too. I said the whole time I felt like a ghost was molesting me.

And Mark goes, oh, it's a bit. You should work on that. And you're like, oh, yeah. You forget you're a comic. You're like, God damn, I got to work on that. Like, and so he was, he was great to tour with and really talented. Now, you're going to do a podcast with Steve Byrne right now. I'm going to do Steve Burns got a movie called, always amazing.

Did you see the trailer? for this? I saw the movie. The Amazing Jonathan. Dude. I had no idea who that guy was. Great. You didn't know who Amazing Jonathan was? No, play the trailer. Dude. Where can they get this movie? It's on All Things Comedy, I think, right now. Steve Byrne. All things comedy. Steve Burns's

thing called The Amazing, It's about The Amazing Jonathan. Yeah, Amazing Jonathan. Dude. Yeah, that should... There's a trailer that I tweeted. That's it right there. There it is. Watch this. This is really... Always amazing. How the fuck does this only have some?

72,000 lakes. It's pretty wild, man. He was such a performer. And you've never heard him before this, me? I had heard of him, but I just didn't know. I had heard of him, but I just didn't know. I just wanted to repeat to you how how much I fucking enjoy it.

I have that same coat and I'd be doing. And how thoroughly entertaining and brilliant it is. Okay, now you've got to make this white thing fall in the funnel. And if it does, you win the public. So funny. So funny. How long is this? You're watching an hour and 13 minutes.

I was watching the whole movie. I was like, this is the worst sizzle really. I was like, that's how long yet. Amazing Jonathan was fucking, he was hilarious. He used to do my first TV show and he would murder. Murder. He's a monster. Dude, he'd chew razor.

Sorry, I didn't know why I was watching the movie. I thought it was the trailer. Is he still alive? So he can't. I was like, I was like this. The whistle reel needs to end. Yeah, he can't use his legs. Oh, what happened?

Is it a check? He had drugs and... He had congenitive horse failure. And then he got stem cell and it fixed his heart, but I guess... Yeah. He has trouble now. I don't know.

He partied hard, man. Yeah, hard. I have to party hard if he lost the use of his legs. But I heard good things about this. Party the hardest. But he's your own marathons. No. Oh, say, God.

Yeah. Well, shout up to the amazing. Jonathan. I know you get going, dude. No, I could do this podcast forever. Every time I love this. So much fucking fun. I said to my go, as we're going to the bathroom, I go, he's fucking a beast and he goes, he's the best.

Oh, I want that to be my ringtone. Especially in that, that weird. He's the best. He's the best. We had some whiskey. Brian was too good for it. Brian judged us for the pornos that we like. I thought that was very strange. Pappy Van Winkle, you know, the whiskey.

Yeah. Really expensive. Steve over it. Scopo wants to give us, do a real tasting with us. So it's under the bottle, bro. No, no, no, he wants to do it together at a $3,000 bottle. Chestnut at his other place. Oh, dude. You can buy it?

You know what? I bet you I could squeeze you into the tasting. You're a whiskey guy. Yeah. I'm a, I'm a booze guy. Would that be the funnest night? Also in that private speakeasy with birds? Yes, at Scopa?

Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. Cogaine checks. What? Wait, what? What? We got a chestnut.

Cocaine off a switchblade? Do you want to do that? Because I can set it up. 100%? Okay. Yeah, I leave for Bali on Friday. They've got really rare whiskeys, really rare. Like, there's a back room.

There's a, there's a speakeasy in Scope, it's a secret. You know, it's never happening, right? So he leaves, fall. He goes to Bali on Friday. And then I'm in Australia for three weeks. You come back? You come back when? July 1st.

Oh, Brian, put on your calendar. Let's do it happen. Yeah, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I love that. That'd be fun. Van Winkle, I never tried it. We could taste it and then make sure it's not poison. and then come back and bring you.

You and I and then we'll talk to you about it. Papi Van Vincals. Tour dates. I'm in Auckland, New Zealand, June 15th. Sydney on the 20th, added a second show. Melbourne on the 22nd, on the 26th, then Brisbane, we've added a second show.

I'm at the Met in Philly. I'm also at a show in Tivoli, but there was Rosasola. I'm in the Met in Philly July. July 27th. Come see me this weekend, Indiana, Helium, Indiana. Please get his fucking,

Indianapolis. Please buy those tickets for Brian. Please buy those. Andy, I beg you. June 7, six, I beg you. We're selling well, actually, I found out.

No, you're not. No, we are. We're not. He's not. We are. We sold, we sold 17 tickets.

He sold 17 tickets and buy his tickets. No, I'm just kidding. It's actually doing well. Yeah, I was worried for a little bit. Yeah, I know. But so in. Have you ever,

have you ever called? You wouldn't do a fun game before we leave? No. A second. You've ever done this? Let's go gay. call the Indianapolis Club and see what they say about you when we ask Indianapolis Helium yeah okay this is a fun

Las Vegas I'll be over there and Brandon okay come see me in Tempe Tempe improv is it are you there this weekend June 20 he's in Indie this weekend this weekend but this week thank you for calling we're good we're good oh they're not they're not answer your dad answer your dad I want to hear what he says Hello. Good, good. How you doing? I'm doing a podcast.

You're on the podcast. Oh, great. Yeah. Who's on with me? Brian Callan and Brenny Shob. I don't know them. Great. Thanks, Dad.

Thanks. I was telling stories about you today about the conversation we had at the beach house when I told you about eat shit cash checks and you got emotional. That's my dad. I talked about the letter you sent me today about true health is in wealth. You know, next time I'll put personal confidential, okay? Okay. All right. Well, we're wrapping up the podcast.

I'm heading home. I'll give you a call in the car. Hey, guys. Let's take care. Have a good day. All right. See you, Papa. Well.

Oh, wow. I call clubs about myself all the time to see how they sell me. Really? Not one. Back in the day? Call the club and go, hey, who do you have this weekend? And they go, ah, I don't fucking know. Oh.

And you're like, could you maybe look it up? and they're like Brent Krinstallers? And you're like, is he funny? And you're like, I don't know, man. And then you go, who's next week? They'll go, Joe Koy, he is fucking amazing. And you're like, God damn it.

I did it with Joe Koi one time. Have you done helium? Not Indianapolis, no. Indie, no. It's a new club. Yeah. You're not stressed out at all about it. Come see me in Tempe.

June 20th, 21, 22, Tempe Ambrove. I'm excited. Burbank this Saturday. Rap report in Fahim. Asana are with me. That's one giant show. That's Saturday night. Wow.

I'm in Vegas with Brian. There are 50 tickets left at the Orleans. Then Calgary, yuck, yucks, June 20th through the 22nd. And after that, I'm in Brea, the new Brea. Brea, June 27th through 29th. Get your tickets, TVACA.com. Bert, we love you, man. Dude, I love you guys.

Thank you so much. This is the fighter, the kid, and the machine. We're out.