The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 496: Mark Normand

Episode Date: May 3, 2026

Mark Normand talks porn, crazy childhood and growing up in a dilapidated mansion, constantly being robbed (even by cops), dark comedy, wild tour with Bert Kreischer, Jerry Seinfeld stories, his TV show pitch at Netflix gone horribly wrong and much more!See omnystudio.coSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men can withstand my punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black Belt and chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club.

Fight Club. Fight Club. Mm, kids got a piece on them. Peace on them. To be a couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the honest. Studios in Plyar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live.

No, no, we're not live. That doesn't matter. Sounds better when you see. Live. We're not live. We don't do it live, right? And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live.

Shot live. This is not live. This is not live. Hey, hey, Shagel us. The great. Shut. What do you say? That's an Asian joke.

What did you say? He's a guy who got fired for making the chink joke. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was a good guy. Is he your boy? Yeah, he's a good guy. Well, obviously not. No, I'm just kidding.

Not anymore. Not anymore. People got, people, a lot of Asians, reached out to me, and I don't know about you, but kind of defending him in there like, hey, fuck face, you know, I've been dealing with this shit. You know, they were very sensitive. Some people were like, whatever. Their main thing, they go, replace what he said about Chinese,

about black people You can be N-word But you still defend them? I went absolutely not. Yeah. I'm not, you know, I get it. There's consequences and whatever. And SNL can do whatever the hell they want.

But it's like, I don't know, he's trying to be funny. Yeah. Even if it wasn't, he's not, it's in the comedy category. It was a clumsy miss. It was a bad miss. But everybody goes,

can you believe that? And then they find shit on them. And you go, what about this? 10 years ago, and you said this tranny joke or whatever. And they go, well, that was a different time I've evolved. and like, well, let him evolve. Let him of all. And when you typed it, were you full of hate?

No, maybe he isn't either then. Like, did you see the guy? I don't think he is full of hate. No, he's not full of hate. Did you see the guy who, I think, Anizer Bush or something? He's like the bear guy has like a million followers. Have you seen this? No.

The cancel culture. So he did some tweet like years ago. So first of all, this guy made his career off being like this bear guy and he would take the proceeds and he donated a million dollars, like over a million dollars to a hospital. So he's a good dude. I don't know exactly why he got fired from, but they dropped them. And the publishing company, the outlet that published him saying all these bad things, the guy who did it, they went, well, let's see what you didn't. I guess he has bad tweets.

Of course. It's like, well, how deep do you want to go on? We all say or think that he would get his fire 10 times. Anyway, I'll bear. Let me see you in. Scroll up. Melted, Delta. Hey, Cyclone Nation.

I just wanted everyone to know I'm listening to Cyclone Facebook from New York City. We're set over at 87,000. Yeah, that's him like... That's the first tweet. But that's not what got him in trouble, is it? I don't know. He got fired for something. And if you're going to post all the...

His high school years. Tweets from his high school years. From his high school. Oh, come on. High school. That was black face every day. That's what we did. Yeah.

What are you talking about? Dude, I was going to start with... Have Callan ask me how I'm doing. A little hungover, a little gay. Oh, yeah. That dude. Who said that he did? He did.

I was, uh, was that in, uh, is that Portland? Oh, that's right. Cleveland. That's right. Oh, Cleveland. Cause I obviously I knew who you were as a, a comic. And then I was getting ready to do, uh, press.

And, um, I was like to look into it and like, oh, you got look up, uh, Mark Norm, look it up. Look it up. Like, yeah, look it up. So I look it up and dude, have you, I, I showed you that. Oh, thanks. That poor girl. That poor girl.

She rolled with it. She was a, like, pro. I was really impressed. But it's one of the things we do four of those in a day. It's 8 a.m. You're hungover. You hate yourself. You're gay. And you're just like, I'm just going to be myself. I can't keep it in anymore. I can't do the shuck and jive. And that's the funny stuff. And the weird thing is I've done a million of those, but for some reason, that one just got put on YouTube. Well, but I think of so much of this is just, you were just being honest with how you felt. And all of this shit, that ultimately is going to win.

We laugh when you're honest. What's... Right. Well, it doesn't work when you're like beautiful town and I'm just here. Yeah. That's not selling anything. Exactly. And rather, this thing about comedy I fucking, that is,

it's the last place where all of us misfits can get together and fucking just speak our minds. Because I swear to God, I'm starting to hang out at the comedy store. I've been doing a lot of sets lately.

And it reminds me of all, I'm getting to know some of the younger comics. They're all fucking misfits. Of course. And they're all, they're all, awesome and they're also

their own worst enemy in with what Brennan and I had this idea we we were trying to get companies to give us an idea that they want a marketing idea and then Brennan and I are going to put comics together sit around a round table to come up with great ways to sell their product. Come up with funny ways

do it like young hungry comics we'd have the idea we pay them okay and we had real money for that and so Brennan and I said let's do a contest we'll just like pair off we go hey guys here's the idea just come up with a one minute video and I reached out to like 10 comics not fucking one no one one one sent a video

oh yeah it was so bad I doubt him hey Lenocci I love him I love Mike Mike's funny as shit but Mike Lanocchi is fucking is the only guy who submits something and I was like hey dude hey Mike and Mike's funny Mike's a good comic I was like hey Mike this sucks

fucking what are you doing I got money for you everybody else blew it off at least Mike showed up Everybody else. Wow. And I talked to Rogan about it, and he was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, comics are complete misfits. They're supposed to be. We're garbage human.

I mean, look at Norm McDonald, one of the funniest guys on the planet. He can't drive and he's a gambling wacko. You know, he's lost all his money. I feel bad for his kid. Exactly. So it almost is a weird, this weird dysfunction goes part and parcel almost across the board. Have you heard what the people have been saying? You know, he's been in L.A. for a few days around the comedy store and improv viewer

what they said? No. He's the new counting. What? What's that being? I said you're kind of out. Because you're getting older? What? Just saying, dude.

Mark, step up for me. You saw me destroy last night, or maybe you didn't. I missed it. Sorry. I'll tell you who I met. Speaking of beautiful misfits, Sam Tripley says, I want you to meet my friend, Jennifer.

And I said, hi, Jennifer, beautiful, beautiful. Tall skank? In a nice, no. That tall one was a real piece. No, not tall. This is, this was, uh... Were you with a old skates? I want to use this.

No. I saw you walking with a real tree. Oh, no, two trees. Oh. Yeah, they're not skanks though. Those girls are, one girl's a pro athlete. Oh, I don't mean skank in a bad way. No, that's just like, how I say bitch.

Yeah, some hot gash. Yeah, some good trim, some nice skirts. Yeah, real dame. Honeypot, hatchet wound. Can that? Yeah. Love hole. I'm running low on

Snatch. Buckle bunnies. Thank you. Lot lizards. Beard and clam. Yeah. Mudflats. There we go.

It's got a relative, though, Mark. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, no. I don't know who you're referring to, but I do remember the very, very tall woman. Brunette. Two, two, very pretty. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. What about this, Jennifer? But, but so I meet, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm on stage, and I'm coming back, and he says, I want you to meet, you know, my friend. And her name is Jennifer. Lopez? Nope.

And I went, and she was in a beautiful, kind of like just a classy dress, and she was, good, good, gorgeous. And I was like, there's something about her, too, that's just kind of like magnetic. And, okay, how are you? Please tell me she's a tragedy. Her name was Jennifer White. I guess Sam Tripley's favorite porn star. Whoa.

Jennifer White? She's, I know porn. She's something else. Really? I dance myself a porno viewer. And they're with her husband, ladies and gentlemen. and a She's with her husband

Wow Oh, I'm familiar with her Gorgeous I've seen her work Holy hell I have not seen her work I've never I've seen her work

And she's I have not She knows her way around a shock Look her She is just delicious Oh look at the high heel Geez Quite a caboose

Yeah Looking to fire The Kid Mark Oh god Cool And they're cool Like just funny Joking around

You never know I was like How are you a porn star You're so fucking You know I can't relax around Pornstar because it's too much sexual energy.

It's distracting. Why just feel like, should we fuck now? Exactly. This is what you do. Why is my dick dry? Oh, geez. Why is my dick dry?

Wow. There you go. God, I love Wednesdays. Here's the thing, dude. It's like if she hung out with you and you were lame. Like, you're a comic, so I'm expecting to be funny. Right. Yeah.

I'm expecting to bust in the mouth. She turns it off. First of all, she's 31. She's 31. So she's a woman. Which I like even more. Hold on. Which really gets me going.

Over the hill. Take her out. That's what I like. She's 31. And also, so she's right. She's not working. She's there to watch a fucking comedy show and laughing her ass off with, I think, her husband and her friends. She also sucks off the bullets.

So she's a civilian. Right. When you meet her, she's a civilian. You want to pay her a lot of money? A lot. Go ahead. But get the fuck out of here otherwise. Right.

This is, that's what she does. It's almost like a fighter going, man, this guy's a tough guy. But he was so nice to me. well yeah he's not getting paid to be in a fucking cage to take your head off exactly oh she's delicious very you're going hard in the pain huh i like her all right i hey hey hey you had a 10 i need you a seven daddy doesn't it's getting weird daddy doesn't watch porn what you seem a little pent up i never watch porn wow and i haven't watched porn in many a year yeah i like a good but i like her but i like her i do it every day and it's got to be black yeah but i don't know how do you how do you what are you going to imagine

imagination like eighth grade style uh i i i'm older i just i don't know yeah i don't think back to i don't even i don't even jerk off off in black and white i don't know i'm just you know what dude get the fuck out yeah i know i know what you're sitting you're weird i that's really like he's better than yeah no no because my dad looked at my my my history about it was probably six years ago and he looked at my i was travel i was at the house and he looks at my fucking computer and he goes, what is this? He put in something and he goes, what is this porn, porn, porn?

And I go, oh, I watch porn. Yeah. And he goes, I just shook his head like, Jesus Christ. Are you single, Mark? No, I got a hot, hot lady at home. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. And now, do you announce it out there on Instagram and stuff? Yeah, well, you get in trouble if you don't.

Yeah, I know. I don't care. Like, to me, I just want to plug gigs and she's like, you got to show people. And I'm like, all right, all right. So annoying. I don't want to do social media. I just do it to get seats, you know. Yeah, I wish I didn't have to. It's brutal.

It's brutal. I got some friends who don't do it, and they're so much happier. They're just like... Are they selling tickets? Sell them to tell. Like, Nate Bergotsi pays a lady to do all that shit. He's like, I don't want to do that. I'm like...

Well, Nate's the whole life change with that special. Of course, which is rare now. He's going to come on the podcast. He's great. But there's a few guys who don't do social. I have cat run most of it, my brother. And then I'll definitely check in, but it is. It's so toxic, man.

Yeah, yeah. And just the effort they get put into it. Wait, so you're seeing his DMs? Holy hell. Hopefully not all. Yeah, because, I mean, you're a hot hunk of meat there, sir. Oh, oh, Shab. Yeah.

Look at the thigh alone could feed a family. The ladies, the ladies like, oh, I'm aware. They reach out to me and they go. Yeah. Tell us about your thicky. They call him a thickie. I was sitting with these girls. I was sitting with, I was sitting with, I was sitting there's a thicky.

And so cute and thick. They like the thickness. Good hairline, good car, great shoe. Yeah. And you're always trying to lose weight. Don't lose it. Just be big as fuck. You're thick crust.

Yeah, they don't want those. My new nickname. Dude, that should be the name of my new tour, Thick Crust. Yeah. Big Dish. I just like thick crust. Thick Cs. You, how about this?

How about Seinfeld said you're his favorite comedian? That makes you feel weird? That's awesome. No, it was like, shit myself. He's like, I don't mean interrupt you, but he's like so critical of comedy and like everything going on. He's my hero

or one of them. I mean, I watched him the show with my parents, you know, like, it's crazy. He's such a big part of my comedy life. That sitcom and like curb and his documentary comedian was huge. So like, just the idea that you could, you could, life can be long enough to meet him is insane.

Have you guys had any interaction? Yeah, we hung out that night for like an hour and a half and like got to, we changed numbers. Now we text every now and then. Wow. It's insane. Just seeing that name. It's like a porn star or like a supermodel like, oh, I'm like spell checking and let me delete that and rewrite, you know, let me make it funny.

Send a picture, selfies like, what's up, bro? Right, right, exactly. Just send him video. Send it to your parents. Like, fuck you, dad. My parents don't care about anything. That's the one thing they were like, that's pretty good. We'll give you that one. That means you're doing something right. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And also I wonder, like, if he heard my whole act, because he saw me do a corporate gig and I'd be clean. And I killed, but if he saw my real act, I think he would shit blood. You know, it's just, you know, school shootings, pedophilia. Like, I like the dark stuff, you know. Much like cat. Where'd you grow up? Much like cat.

New Orleans. Much like cat. Yeah, she's a dirty bird. You get the vibe. But, yeah, New Orleans, Louisiana. Go Saints. Go Saints. Your Saints are kind of fucked.

Ah, they're always fucked. Although we beat the Seahawks, which was shocking. It's true, man. But, yeah, yeah. Like, fun place to grow up. It's a weird place for a kid. I lost my virginia to a prostitute. You know, uh, you're reminding me a dove Davidoff.

Oh, yeah? You really do. I like Doug. He reminds me so much of a young dove. Huh, how do you fig? He's a Jew. He's a junkyard guy, right? Yes, he is.

And he was quite a swinger in his day, if I might say so. Yes, yes, he was a real porch swing. Oh, yeah. I've had some, I've had some time. Oh, you did the row with him for a while. Dove and I did it right. Wow, that's quite a threesome, I would say. You've got a gal in the middle of that sandwich.

And by the way, he's working with a piece. Oh, is he? Yeah, he's got a piece on him. Oh, that's intimidating. Dove, not for me, but I know what you mean. Either way, never forget who daddy is. I mean, at the end of the day, I was older. But that doesn't matter.

The bottom line is that Dove is a special dude and has the darkness and has all the. You remind me very much. comedy, he's back in, right? Yeah, he's in, he's in New York. Oh, yeah, he's in a cellar all the time. Yeah, hilarious. And he's got his own thing. He sounds very, no one sounds like Doug.

He's like jazz, man. Yes, he is jazz. He is. He's got a little jazz and special needs. There's a few guys who are just so, they're on such a different frequency, like Dove, like Theo. Yep, yep. Oh, I'm never going to hear this anywhere else.

Yes. Yeah. D.A. D.O. Dov and Theo is a good comparison, too, because just so, it's like a unique sound. It's like when the edge plays guitar. Right. And the edge on the YouTube plays because you know it's the edge. Yeah.

It's the same. Like some people have that fucking, yeah, that's just a different frequency. Yeah. It's just a different vibe. We haven't heard it before. And the weird thing about that is starting out with a different fruit, like juzzle neck. You really struggle starting out because people are like, what is this shit? But you don't give it a second, whore.

It's going to get into something. You just got to go with me. Trust me, you know. That's why I hate the industry. They can't see that. Then when the person figures it out and they get good, the industry goes, oh, we love you. We'll always a big fan. up.

Right. And Jeltsnick is a monster. Big fan. Yeah, he's the best. He's proof that you can say whatever you want, be dark. As long as it's a bit, no one gives a fuck. God, he's amazing. He is dark too, man.

He goes out there. Dead babies and shit. I never killed anyone. Then I remembered, Jennifer. He's just incredible, man. He really is. Yeah, he's like, can I buy a motorcycle? His mom's like, no, your brother died on a motorcycle.

So don't buy it. You can just have his. Brilliant jokes. Yeah, I, um, I, um, I, I, I, he's almost that way backstage too it's not like he's friendly or backstage

friendlier but he's not that warm he's always standoffish he's actually really cool to me he's a nice guy he was really nice to me and then um i went uh yeah i went on first and then um then i brought him out and then he just roast like we don't know each other that well and roast the fuck i mean i was my feelings are so hurt i'm like what the fuck man

yeah he can sing but i didn't but this was probably two or three years ago and I didn't realize what kind of comic he was. Yeah. And then I went in the back, like, geez, man, fucking Jocelyn. And I'm like, oh, that's what he does, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, really? Like, yeah, of course that's his thing.

Yeah, I got in trouble less. I don't want to say her name, but there was a large black woman went on and I had to follow her. And I said, give it up for Ron Funches, you know? And the place went nuts, but she was not into it. And I was like, ah, I'm just trying to get a laugh out of the game. It just happened. Yeah, it's not against you. I like you and Ron.

But I thought it was a perfect line. Fucking hilarious. Yeah, and you get shit on me all day. You know, I get robot and, you know, weirdo, autism. You know, go nuts. You're a fucking, you're a fucking breath of fresh air in this politically correct, brain-dead Los Angeles environment. Well, I got to tell you, you guys are more free and fun than New York right now.

Yeah, we're talking about before he came in. Is that true? Oh, what are you kidding? Just your lineups. I go, we're going to get in trouble. There's no Asian on it, you know? And then Santino's like, ah, relax. It's L.A.

Is that true, man? So New York, they're kind of imposing equality. It's coming in hard. And like, look, I'm all about diversity and I get it and blah, blah, blah, blah. But like... I'm not.

When it comes to comedy, I'm not. Well, I mean, if they're funny, if they're funny... What I mean is, are you funny enough to be in the lineup? Sure. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I don't give a fuck if you're black, white. I don't get... I don't either. Comedy was the one place that was so, so... Meritocracy. About whether you had a limp, whether you were blue,

whether you were trans. I don't give a fuck. you are, if you're funny, if you think you can get into a lineup with the kind of comedy that's going on at the comedy store, then none of us care. None of us care. I completely agree. We've never cared, actually, if you were gay, if you like having trannies spit in your mouth. I mean, we, well, we, I know comics who, we always, it's, it's the land of the misfits. Yeah, of course. And sorry about using the expression, tranny, I guess, transsexual. Sexually, you son of a bitch.

But you know what I'm saying? I totally know what you're saying. It's like comedy was the one place where it didn't matter if you had three dicks. It didn't matter what you were. Are you funny enough? Three dicks was a great Neil Brennan special. But yeah, it just sucks because when I was, it's so pushed down your throat now that I can't relax. Like when I was a kid, I liked Ellen.

I liked Paula Poundson, but I wasn't like, I like these female comedians. But now you push it in me more that I go, oh, I like that Michelle Wolf. I'm a big fan because you. She's a woman and I love women. It's made me actually less progressive. Because you've rejected it on my ass. Exactly. Yeah.

I don't think of Whitney Cummings or Eliza Sessionser who are friends of mine. When they're on the line up, I'm not going, oh, we got some women there. I'm just thinking this is going to be a great lineup because they're fucking fucking shit. Yes. That's right. Stop for. The more you force, the more we go, hey, you push back. If you just let it happen, it'll happen.

None of us would give a fuck of a transsexual whoever or somebody who identified as a bird. was in the lineup, if you are funny. Right. We'll hang with you backstage. It's like UFC. No one's going, we got to get Silva in. He's a black guy. No, he's just good.

Can you punch somebody in the face? Exactly. It's all very simple. You've been doing comedy for how long? I'm at 12, 13-ish. So you're 35. So you started a little late, right? 22, 23?

Not, I mean, not too late. Not too bad. You didn't start in like, did you want to do in high school? No, I just had such low self-esteem that it was like, it was being in it was like Carlin, Cosby. Like, I was like, I can never. do that. That's how I looked at it. And then one day I just got drunk enough and tried an open mic. How old were you then? I was 22. And where did you do the open mic at? It was in Lafayette,

Louisiana, because I was so scared of someone seeing me in New Orleans and I drove three hours to do the five-minute open mic. And I just had a bunch of cocktails and went on. And it went pretty well. And then where'd you go from there? Then I said, I want to do this. I love it. And I moved to New York and bombed for three years straight and got mugged three times in a year. Landlord died of AIDS. And I got bedbugs all in one year. Yeah. Wow. I probably should have closed on the AIDS. But yeah, it was a hellish, hellish transition, you know, much like Jenner. But it was tough, man. But now I just kept at it. And I had nothing else to turn to. I had, you know, I was against the cliff. My back was against the wall. So, I just kept going. So when you first got to New York, you were you just doing open mics?

Yeah. Then how, when did you start getting spots of like the legit places? four or five years in. I mean, it takes forever. I mean, you've got a little bar show here and there, but nothing where you're like paying the rent. Now when you're on, it takes so long to be. And the stage time. But the one thing when you were telling me about this B, too,

because Brian started in New York, is you're able to do like eight sets, nine sets a night. I think it was Steve. Burn. Burn did like 17 or some shit like that. He did a documentary about it. But I remember I would do, I mean, when I was fucking in my 20s and my 30s, dude, I would do, one summer I was doing literally,

I remember. I would start at eight and I'd be done by one. Exactly. I was going to every fucking club. You would just get it in. Yeah. I don't know.

And then I'd do open mics or there'd be some fucking thing at the rebar, whatever it was and you'd do, you'd end up doing five or six. I feel like if I get four sets in L.A., it's a great night. But then when I think about you guys, I'm like, well, for L.A.,

fourth's good. Four's a hustle. Four's good. Four's good. Don't kid you. That's a good. Fourth is a lot. Five, five, you start repeating yourself.

It is a bullshit about, you don't want to get too, crazy about this shit, okay? We were, I did those sets because I had nothing else to do, and I was just happy to do them, and I had nothing else in my life. Right, same.

So much of, when you talk about low self-esteem, you talk about this, it's, it just like, it's so, New York City for me was always, I was this,

I always felt, talk about low self-esteem, I always felt like this guy who was a failure on the outside looking in. What the time you kind of were, though, you know? Of course I was, you're slogging.

No, I'm just saying, it was. I'm in theater school. I'm trying to be an actor. I suck. And I'm trying to do comedy. I suck. And I,

but finally I got up and I'd get up on, I was doing stuff. And I was like, even after Mad TV, I couldn't get a job. And I was just trying to be a fucking comic and an actor. And it was, the whole thing was just always impossible.

Completely. And then what, who were like the comics that were in your class? You don't say classes? Yeah. I would get there and it was like a Dan Soder was around. I love Dan's a beast. We're from the same.

hometown. A Denver area? Oh, nice. Yeah, and then like Joe List and Sam Marill and all these killers. And then like Michael Chee came in and, you know, Michelle Wolf and people like that. But, you know, I'd see Big Jay and be like, oh, I would kill it to be Big Jay. Wow, what a career, you know, what a life. So funny. And then Mike Veckeyon was a guy were like, oh, my God, I can never be that good. And there's all, there's so many good guys in New York who can't get a break. They can't get a special. Some of them slipped through like Sodor's got HBO special coming out, thank God.

But there's a couple beasts out there that just can't. Like who? Like Vecione is like one of the funniest comics I've ever seen. And his album got voted number one by whatever the hell and all this. And it's so tight and so good. Such a great writer. But just nobody and he can't. I don't think he's selling out or anything.

So it's tough. But then there's guys like, because you've been doing it for a while now. I feel like not that you weren't big before, but now it's like, especially out here, the scene out here. Everyone's talking about really you and Schultz. Oh, hey, wow. You are the guys where it's like, oh, yeah, they're the next kind of in line. Oh, yeah, that's nice to hear. Schultz is a, that guy's a freight train of just, like, marketing and internet and, like, getting eyeballs and exposure.

Like, he does all the clips, and now everybody does the clips, you know. He's what you get when you make a great comedian with a business mind. Yes, which is rare. It's rare. You get the guys who can do both. Yeah, Crischer. Well, the other thing is, everybody's learning from each other, too. Yeah, which we should be doing.

And a lot of people don't realize that, you know, when I was coming up, when Rogan was coming up, when Burr was coming up, all those older guys, none of us, there was no money to be made in standing. Yeah. There was no such thing as like theater acts, actually. There was very few. Yeah. For the most part, everybody was doing, everybody you did clubs. And, oh, by the way, you did local press. There was no Facebook.

There was no Twitter. There was no Instagram. Just different times. And certainly no one in other countries knew you. There were no podcast. It was kind of a street-rass lifestyle. Or you're just like under the radar. And it was fine.

You're in a basement. You're fine with it. So much so that it was such a grind that you were never going to make money. Yeah. We're never going to make money. If you made five grand in a weekend, that was crazy. So what you do is you do the college circuit. So you'd like a grand.

That was big. But isn't that why a lot of comics back then couldn't wait to jump the TV? It was just a way to get the TV. So you had guys like Paul Reiser and even Seinfeld and his guys who once they got, insightful was the exception. Mr. Cooper. Once they got right, Marc Curry.

All these guys. Once they got TV, once they got TV, you stopped doing Rosanna. You stopped. I'll keep going. You stopped doing,

you're right. And Ray Ramon. All of them stopped doing stand-up basically because they got a TV show. That was the Holy Grail, Kevin James. Yeah. You got the TV show and you were,

and the grind was over. And all of us felt that way. It'd be like, all I need is a sitcom. Yeah. And I got a couple big sitcoms. And you'd be like, and I remember going, I might be able to just make a lot of money doing this and not getting on a plane on Wednesday and coming home on Monday.

Right. I'm doing Sunday shows too. And you were making $1,500. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to go the TV route, too? No, I can't act. And I just like doing stand-up. I like writing new jokes.

I like the whole, I like the road. I like clubs. And maybe I'll grow out of that. I'm still, you know, mid-30s here. And I like to drink and fuck around. but uh i like this you know what's this i like to get after it you know what you fucking he's 77 he's he's such a comic he's such a degenerate yeah i like being a degenerate i don't care for this uh clean cut you know what's that guy um fucking it's like Sebastian he's got like a wife

and kid he's he's a cool dude and he's killing it he's a zillionaire but like I want to go I want to get a little rough and tumble I want to roll around in the shit a little bit I like that I'm from New Orleans I want to, you know. You like the under tapestry, the subterranean in the dark world. Yes. The dark world is lifting up that pretty rug and getting underneath that. Yeah, I remember seeing Geraldo and be like, I like that.

And they're like, well, he's a heroin pillhead. I'm like, all right, yeah, let's do that. Let's do it. I don't even more. I don't know anything about what you're talking about. But I got, I understand. You know, yeah, you were doing blow back there, you know. I was never a drug guy.

I never a drug guy, but I was definitely. You were around it. You get nice and mucky and dirty. Yeah. There's something about the road. It's something about nowadays, everybody's, everybody's watching. Nowadays, if you get a little fame, they got Twitter and

people are, people like the Tattletail. Yeah, they're pretty cool. But for the most part, it's true that there's something about just doing a show in New Orleans, where the fuck you are, and going to some dive bar, some speak-eas, and just drinking and just hanging with a bunch of strangers. And you go kind of where the wind takes you. You know, some fans, like, I know this place, you're like, let's go. I've never met you before. I'll never

see you again, but let's live. That's right. Are those tits real? You know, whatever happens. Am I going gay tonight? Who knows? A needle. A needle in my arm, I guess, I trust you. Yeah.

How wild was it on the road with Bert? Oh, man. So you open up for Bert in Europe. In Europe. 14 nights, 14 countries, 14, or I guess 28 shows. I mean, no break. No, no. I think we had one day off and we went to some strip club in Copenhagen and had a fucking

blast. And he was like FaceTiming his wife while getting a last. lap dance and shit. It was insane. He's so married. But he is very married, but I don't think he knows his kids' names to be honest. But it was just so, like, I took three years off my life. I was telling you that. One kid came out

the last two days, and he was like, after the first night he just was like, I'm going home. And I was like, I did 14, you pussy, come on. Just keeping up with Bert, he's like a 70s celebrity. He's eating a steak at fucking 11 a.m., drinking a scotch. Then he goes and works out, and then he comes back

and does like 10 marketing things. He's editing a video, he's shooting shit, and then we do the set, and he gets Blotto all night, and then he does it the next day. A monster. A monster. Mickey Mantle Gene. He's got the Mickey Mantle. So where did you have that? He totally does

have that. I mean, he'll die at 49, but... Yeah, no, we better enjoy it it while you're. Yeah, enjoy it, folks. I saw him yesterday. He's looking good. He's taking some time. Where did we, where did you go? Tell me the countries. What was your favorite country? Well, let's see. You know, Dublin, Manchester, Scotland, Amsterdam,

all the Europe ones. Did you get loose in Amsterdam? We got loose. We just did the canals and got a bunch of weed. Are you a drug guy? Not a weed guy. I can't do it. I'm too fucked up.

The weed brings out all the demons. It doesn't suppress them like alcohol. You like booze and uppers. Yeah, yeah. But you don't seem like lots of you have your darkness. It's from your childhood? I think so. Yeah, I had a weird childhood.

How so? Well, let's see. My dad got a wild hair up his ass and bought a man. mansion, dilapidated mansion in a poor black neighborhood. So first of all, the house was fucked. We barely had running water. It was, you know, we'd have family meetings like, all right, go shit at school. Don't shit here.

We need the water. And then my dad started running out of money, so he made the back half of bed and breakfast, like old style bed. So my mom's whipping up pancakes at 8 a.m. And I'm like, can I get one? She's like, blow me, dick. Eat a bowl of Cheerios, you cunt. And so I was like, all right, sorry, Jesus.

And so you, you know, they're so, my peers are workaholics. they're checked out, you know, they, they were nice people, but they're just like, hey, we gave birth to you, you figure it out, yeah, go watch TV. There's no attention. Yes, Dr. Drew, I just did his podcast. Best thing to happen to a fucking comic. Maybe, but boy, it's sad. Don't give them attention.

So what Dr. Drew say? So he said, you're, uh, because I was like, my mom didn't react. Like, I have girlfriends, I'll introduce it or my mom. They're like, who, that was tough. I felt like I was bombing in there. I'm like, welcome to my life, you fucking whore. Jesus Christ. I'm 20 years of that shit growing up.

And, uh, so, like, I wonder you need the last from fucking strangers. Like, ask me a question. Just ask me a random question. This is my mom. A random question. Where are you from? What time is it?

Where are we? It's just like, oh shit, sorry. She won't engage. Yeah, and she's not mean. She's just like, she's just got her. Checked out? Yeah, she's just like thinking about, all right, I got to pay the bill. I got to water the plants, you know?

And you're like. Did you have brothers and sisters? Older brother, and he's a genius. He's like this, you know, math, computer wizard. And our neighborhood was so dangerous that he just head into a computer. like as a kid and he just became like Doss and shit. Did you make friends in the neighborhood with the black? Yeah, yeah, but then you

got into fights and there was a lot of racial tension. It was the 90s and bikes were stolen and we got robbed all the time. We had this crazy alarm going off because our house was so big and you would just, I'd be like an eight year old kid and you just hear like, glass breaking and then woo, woo, woo, and I'm just like,

I'm in my room like hugging up Teddy, you know, hoping I don't get raped by fucking Leroy and, you know, you go downstairs and hey, the TV's gone today. You know, and that was, that was a Tuesday. And we got robbed all the time. My dad, he's got like, he's like, N-word rich, you know, where he's like, oh, we're going to buy a shitty Lexus, but it's a Lexus, you know, so the Lexus would get stolen.

He's like, all right, he'll give me, like, cab money to go to school and shit. And that was just how it was. I remember I told the story on Rogan, but I got my bike stolen. Just street tufts, you know, they would rub their front tire on your back tire, and that meant like, oh, you're fucked. And they would just take your bike. And, you know, you could try to fight them, but there was like three, 17. year old kids without dads, you know.

I'm not going to fuck with that. No, you're going to give them your bike. Yeah, and so you get comedy early, you know. Yeah. And you try to be funny and, you know, public school and all that. So you went to an all-black public school? It was pretty mixed, but it was, it was... New Orleans does have a lot of racial tension.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the South, you know. And there's so much poverty there. Because it's like tourism, tourism, and then the rest of the city's kind of neglect. Miami's like that. It's so poor. Yeah.

In the black neighborhoods, it's just so fucking poor. It's crazy. How's your, what's your relationship with your relationship with your dad and mom now. We're cool, but it's almost co-worker-like. Are they still in New Orleans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in the mansion? No, they got out of there. Two guys broke in with guns

and tied them up and like took all the jewelry and the credit cards and the car keys and so they were like, I. That's about it. What's that? But they let them go? They let them go, but you know, they untie themselves 20 minutes after they left and they're like, you know, my dad's like chewing the fucking ropes.

That's not a good time. That's what did it. So they were like, all right, we should move. We got robbed a zillion times, but I walked in on a few robberies. What? Yeah. Because, you know, you're so young and juvenile. You don't know what's happening. So they'd be like a big guy with like a TV under his arm, and he's like,

oh, where are your parents? And I'm like, oh, let me go get my dad. And the house was so big, I would run to the other side of the house. And I remember looking out of the window, and I saw him running through the backyard with the TV. And I was like, oh, that's weird. The house was huge. Huge house. Like, we had a wing. We had wings. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, not a good thing. Bad move, Bob.

I was going to say, hey, you know, bad moved to be the first one to gentrify a neighborhood. He got it was a Scrooge McDuck of the hood. Yeah, and so everybody thought we were loaded because, you know, we were the white family in the mansion with the Lexus. So what did he do to buy that mansion? Did they

have money to begin with? Well, it was so run down that I think he's like, I got a fucking steal on this place. It was like a foreclosure maybe? Yeah, it was I think it was a fork. And the neighborhood was so shitty and it was such a shitty build that he was like, I think he got it for dirt cheap. I remember one time, we called the cops so much they knew us. They're like, oh, the Normans.

And so eventually they're like, know what, let's go sleep or stake out in the kitchen, and we'll actually be there if a guy comes and catch him. That's how frequently we were getting robbed. They were like, let's stake out in the kitchen. So I was like, this is so exciting. I'm 10 years old. There's two fucking grizzled cops in my kitchen,

and I'm like, this is excited. I hope they bust the guy. And I went downstairs like 7 in the morning. I ran down, expecting to see some guy in cuffs, and the cops had ransacked the whole pantry, eating everything out of the fridge. We got robbed again. The cops took all the pancakes, the pop tarts, the cinnamon

Toast Crunch, those fucking pigs. And they hightailed out of there at 6 a.m. God damn. And in what age did you leave New Orleans? I got, I did University of New Orleans, but I was such a drunk piece of shit that I just, I got like straight F's. And my parents are like, you got to figure something out. So I went to community college at Baton Rouge. I would have gotten, I would have gotten three police dogs, three German shepherds.

It'd be nice. We had a cat. Yeah. They didn't think this through at all. I would be, I'd have fucking, if you don't buy that mansion and think like that. Yeah, exactly. And there were the most liberal people.

Most little, like, I'd get my bike stole and they're like, what happened? I'm like, ah, these two kids, you know, they were like poor kids and they were like, well, they need it. They need it more than us. And I'm like, all right, shit. Well, who's side you taking here, mom? Yeah. And that's why you grow up with low self-esteem?

Yeah, like a low self-worth. Like, that's why people go, man, you have so many jokes in your act. I'm like, yeah, yeah. These people came out and are paying money. I can't let them down. I got to fucking bring it. You know, I see a lot of comics go with that.

What else is going on? What am I doing here? You're like, what are you crazy? This cunt got a babysitter. Bring the heat. You come staying? Let's go. Bring the heat.

I fucking agree with that. It's crazy to be. It's crazy to be. Yes, exactly. I couldn't agree more. They valet, you know? I'm not going to not. I say that every fucking time.

You got people that are paid. It's costing them $100 for that night. Yeah. And they won't come back. No. If you let them down there will not come back. Have respect. Give him a fucking show.

Who do you think you are? Who do you think? Dance monkey. You know, like, sit on the stool and like, oh, yeah, what's, what's the new? He's like, what are you kidding? You knew about this all day. Yeah, exactly. I'm about this all day.

I used to see I shit in New York all the time. I'm not going to mention names, but there were plenty of like people in time. Yeah. The big day guys do that, though. Yeah, I guess they can do it. Who the fuck? Not really, though. No, because you see people go, what the fuck?

I guess so, yeah. They didn't last. I'd watch them and I'd be like, you guys are fucking sitting there. You haven't said one funny thing. Right, right. This whole time. Get the fuck out of it. It's so entitled.

It's like, hey, you, you're here to see me. Just look at me. You're so good entertain. You're not important. Brennan and I were talking about this. Brennan and I were talking about how all of us are so eminently and immediately replaceable. Oh, yeah. You don't matter.

Oh, yeah. If you hit by a bus walking out here. If I get, if I go away, oh, fuck, really? I liked him. Pass the salt, please. Yeah, exactly. You're not important. Yeah, we're all in a conveyor belt.

I mean, look at the store. It's just one great comic after a net. That's how it should be. I agree. And the other thing is about doing, like, you know, I was thinking about this. I was up in a lineup with Bill Burr, Ali Wong, Sebastian Manascalco. I don't know.

The list goes on. You can't go up there and not Bobby Lee. You can't go up there and not bring the goods. Yeah. Good luck. It's embarrassing. And that might be a new, sorry, an entitled thing. These younger folk, and I hate to sound like Grandpa Norman,

but like they kind of have this entitlement like, oh, shit, I forgot I was going to say it. Damn it. About not bringing the goods. You were getting a word. Oh, wait. What did you say? I was saying about you got it.

Oh, I got it back. I got it back. Thank you. Thank you. I got to stop jerking off. And they bomb, they bomb horribly, and they just fluff it off. I'm like, if I bomb like that, I would be in the back cutting myself. Like, what are you crazy?

You should hate yourself and you should go home and think about what you did and work on it and tweak it and change it and listen. They don't care. They go, oh, well. Sebastian Mascalko records a set. And on the way home, he listens to it. There you go. Most the big dogs do. Yeah.

Yeah. And it pays off. Like, the more work you put in, the better you'll do. But that comes from not really liking yourself that much sometimes. I agree. I agree. The pressure of not failing, too, I would think. Yeah, that's more of it.

That's more. Like, just realizing that it's always going to be hard. And it's never, you never arrive with comedy. You're chasing a dragon. Yes. You're chasing a dragon. Which is also why it's great, because you can't, you know, sometimes you beat a video game the first.

day you're like well that was dumb you gotta keep going like that's why davidel hates himself calls he'll kill with great material and be like i'm a hack i suck you're like what but the fact do you think that is why you're great product well i heard that uh my friend uh used to wait on wakene phoenix like he was a regular the joker and uh was that yeah the joker oh yeah and uh he he had done i guess he had been nominated for walk the line right for johnny cash and my friend just couldn't take it anymore and he goes hey dude i just wanted to you to know, and my friend's a good actor and now is doing well, but he said, you guys, I just want you to know, you were so good in that. And Joaquin Fanni goes, no, no, stop, stop,

I'm a terrible, I can't, I can't even. There you go. I'm terrible. I'm terrible. I love that. He was like, oh, now he's also probably a little crazy. He's a little nutty, yeah. But it's also what drives him. Sure, Seymour Hoffman, I heard was like that too. And look where he turned out great. He sure did. Hang out, met him, met him a week before he went away. Oh, yeah? He was, he was, the color in New York? I was at Chatea, my mom with John Legosamo, and he came up. I met Sean Penn that morning. Wow.

Just pretty cool. You dropping names all over. Yeah, I know, right? Trying to score smack with it. I was so cool. I was like, oh, geez, you know, and Sean Penn, I'm a huge fan of him. And then Philip Seymour Hoffman came up with a cigarette. It's not.

I never took a cigarette. It's not. Oh, my God, it's not a cigarette, whatever. Well, he can do that, yeah. But never, was he ever bad in a movie? Was he ever just okay in a movie? Or was he always a man? Amazing.

It's always funny how... Still the show at Boogie Nights. He was always an amazing little boom I get. Yeah. As good an actor as it gets. As good an actor as it gets. Luckily, we have Gaff again, who looks just like him. Bigger, though.

Another monster. Taller. Another beast, yeah. But isn't that funny? You mentioned Sean Penn with a cigarette. Isn't it funny now how much it's all changed? Like, older guys are badasses. You know, like, when you were younger, old guys are like, hey, you know,

button your shirt and comb your hair and get a haircut, kid. And now old guys are like, ah, at least young guys are. kids are fucking pussies. Everybody's eating kale and not smoking and everybody's, all these comics are sober now and everything. It's kind of flipped in like, old is cool now. Yeah. And old is tough. Old is tough.

Old is tough. Kids are not tough. No. Younger people are not tough at all. They're crazy. Like, we had a war now. Who knows what would happen? You know, it'd be like, oh, the, I was, the gluten got me. You know, we just throw peanuts at the, at the fucking troops. We use drones. We use drones. Yeah. Technology.

I saw, I went to pitch some Netflix the other day, boy, did I bomb that pitch? I can't pitch a show. It's brutal. Yeah. I pissed the guy off within like four seconds. Well, Netflix is super politically correct. I know, I know. Alt left. All right. Is that because Homeboy got in trouble dropping the N-word?

Oh, maybe, maybe. And he said the N-word. He didn't, he was saying, let's not say this. Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he said, let's not say this word. Yeah. They fired. They said the word. Yeah. Awesome. But, uh... Netflix is, literally has a creeda. They'll tell you. yeah? They have quotas. They're like, you have a TV show. If you have a TV show, we have an Asian director, we have a woman director,

and there's a, it's not, doesn't matter. It's less about whatever they're doing, though, they're doing, so what happened in your... So I had two good pitches before that, so I was loose, and I was zinging and zanging, and I was on, and we were in there with the Netflix guy, and we couldn't get the video to work, to play the sizzle, and it was just showing, like, the ceiling,

and I go, oh, it's the Kevin Hart's sex tape. I'm trying to make jokes. And the guy goes, can you believe the woman is suing him for that? I was like, well, I think it's the best thing he's ever done. It's funny. It's funny than his specials. And he was like, you know, I produced the last four of those. And I was like, oh, wow, I'm just fucking around.

You know, we all love Kevin Hart. And he's like, I don't think that's appropriate. I mean, he does, he works with Netflix. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm just, I'm just busting ball. I love Kevin Hart. I wish I was him. He's a little guy and cute and all that. Pets too.

Go see it. Blah, blah, blah. And he just, the whole pitch. I was it. Oh. I'm pouring my heart out in this pitch, shucking and jiving. I'm tap dancing and he was just like Take a joke man

Netflix is doing something right though aren't they I mean What do you think of what do you think? What do you think? What do you catch up with them? It might. It might catch up with them. Disney's jumping into it

You get these other streaming service jumping in it They're going to have some competition Oh dude Disney doesn't meant Disney? Disney went oh Netflix is how you do it Cool and then they took all their stuff back They'll start doing specials Yeah well Netflix now has become a place

where it's all original content right You can't find. No, they have other stuff. Like, they had friends on there, right? They have Seinfeld. I think they're losing friends, aren't they? But they still have, they still have other stuff. Oh, yeah.

But they're, yeah, just like anything, they're the cream of the crap now, but the big boys are going to come in too. It's going to level out where they're not the only game. It's all good for us. It's all, for comics. There's so many spaces to get a special now. Stand up. We are, we are in a really good financial, like this is where you want to be for the next

10 years, I think. Yeah, it's bittersweet because you've got to do the tweeting and this and that, but then you can also have control of your whole, you know, art form. This is the first time ever in my, in my career and in show business where artists have this much control. Yeah. And where they're making all the money. It's crazy. It's crazy how much money these comics are making. Not me, but it's nuts. Wild to see. But it's the new rock stars. It's what rock stars were. Like now as a comic, you can sell, if you can sell 5,000, 10,000 tickets, which a lot of our friends are. Yeah.

It's sky's the limit. Oh, yeah. It's surprising they let Chappelle and Burr still rock out at Netflix, because they're the opposite of that. Yeah, but that's why... Rogan 2. Rogan 2, yeah, but if you got the numbers, I guess, the numbers... Yeah, Netflix.

I don't think everybody in Netflix is... I'm being a little unfair to Netflix. True. But you know what I mean? Like, if you got the fan, like, Chappelle and Rogan are doing arenas, you know? Yeah, but I think Netflix is also... I think what Netflix says, I don't know how alt left there. What I meant is that...

You said that? Yeah, I did. This is you. Yeah, it's true. It's true. I am back pedaling a little because actually what they were saying is... What they were saying is the old studio system is dead and we want to revolutionize the way things are done. Yes.

So, you know, in that sense... I don't think anything's wrong with Netflix. I like that more people jumping into the pool so you have options. You don't want someone just dominate where if you're not on Netflix, like, you're not really doing well. That's right. I'm with you. Yeah, yeah. Because you don't want Netflix to say, like, let's say they pass on Mark or they pass on you.

They pass on you. And me. Both of you guys. Yeah. So that doesn't make sense. Two great comics. I look at the other people on there. Some of those people are awful, man.

Yeah, funny is the 14th thing on the list now. You know, it's like, what color are you? What do you have between your legs? What do you identify as? How many Twitter? How many this? How's your podcast? And then funny.

How do you think I got a special? There you go. Great car, though. Red Ferrari. Unreal. Sexy. sexy. Man, who's got a towel to sit on?

He can beat up everybody, too. I know, and you're so nice. Yeah. You got it all. I'm all right. And thick. Who knows how that piece is looking? He does well.

I've seen it. Deep dish, right. I bet that's like a Nerf football. I'm not mad at. Yeah, I'm mad at it. Let's get this off. It's proportion. Pull that out.

Let's chat roulette right now. I think it's a lot. What's the deal? Do you know chat roulette? Oh, yeah. What is this? What is it is? We just learned on Monday.

And we put Chin was doing it. And all the guys were just passed. I was like, oh, what the fuck? So Kat took one for the team. She got on there. Literally, right, dude, chat roulette and we're fishing for a dick. Yeah. We got one within two seconds.

This guy, it goes right to the guy, the guy, he goes, go. Whoa. Pizuka. Man, must be nice. See, dicks are so, they're falling out of the sky. They got no, they got no currency. Like, they're like stock. Yeah.

They're dropping. It's easy to buy. With vagina, it's worth it's like gold. You know, where Dick's like aluminum. Yeah, you're right. It's a bummer. On chat roulette. All right, let me take a piss for we do.

I got a piss too. All right, you guys, I'll hold it down. Stamps.com, folks. Meandies, bluechew. ExpressVPN, away bags. Away bags. Let's do this, guys. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Talking about age, talking about height. Talking about lying. Talking about lying, all kinds of stuff. What do you guys got? So just an update from the other day's story about that. resource officer who arrested the six-year-old girl and the eight-year-old boy, he has officially been fired.

Yeah, of course, because he's dumb. Wait, what had? What do you do? The rest of a six-year-old? Huh? I didn't know that was... We're having a temper tantrum. What?

He looks identical to Cleveland. He does. He's just not smart. You've got to get that guy out of that. He's going to do something even more stupid. Yep. Wait, are we on? We're on.

Oh, geez. All right. I almost said a horrible slur. All right. Thank you. I asked. Yeah. And there's one detail I left out of the story from two days ago, which was the grandmother

when she picked up the little girl said that she was probably acting out because she has sleep apnea and wasn't sleeping well, to which the officer then responded. I also have sleep apnea. I don't go around kicking people. Damn. Cleveland, you are 47 years old. Oh, what a disaster. What an asshole.

He's just a mess. I don't know. I think we need black cops. Just, you know, to level it out with the shootings. You know, let him kill the kid. And then we're back, you know. I hope the kid was white that he shoots. Because then, you know.

The kid was black as well. It was. All right. So look, it's not a racial thing. We just, cops like shooting people. Take it easy. Yeah. Did you see that cop that, I think it was in L.A.?

Was it in L.A.? The cop that thought she was in her apartment. Oh, yeah, yeah. But she wasn't in Texas. And then shot the black. It was Texas for sure. It was Texas. Then shot the black guy?

Went to the wrong apartment. Good God. I mean, is anybody buying that that she went to the wrong apartment? Well, sometimes the floors and you're tired. I mean, it can happen. Really? Something's up. There's no way.

I don't know. There was a new detail that came out about that case recently where they look through her phone records and within the time that that all went down, she was sexting somebody. So they're saying she was in a compromised state of mind. It can happen. We could. If you're like busy and doing stuff from rocks and walking somewhere. I'm rock.

I remember I parked on the wrong floor, too. I parked the phone floor, so happens. I've done it. That's a tragedy. Really? You've done it? I have done that. What?

Shot of black? No, no, no. Not that. Not that. No, not that. No. I've tried to get into the wrong apartment. I've been Texan went to the wrong car.

I've done that as well. Yeah. Oh, you know, I can't believe it now. Yeah, I was Texan once. That's a disaster. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, it was like a bunch of girls lined up and I was not paying attention.

What the fuck? Was that the road or just? You're Tuesday night. That was Burton in Europe. Girls line up for Mark. No, no. I'm a child. What else you get?

Okay. Just a heads up. This one is a very sad one. All right. They don't have too much behind the reason why the father did this, but in New York, a father held onto his daughter and jumped onto the train tracks before a train came and hit him. Luckily, she hit the floor flat, and he was killed, but she was fine. She just had some bruising and some cuts.

The train went over her? Over the dad, yeah. And she was underneath the dad. So he was trying to save her. No, he jumped in with her. He wanted to kill the both of them. What a piece of shit. I'm jealous of the connection they had, at least.

You know, my dad was, he wasn't hugging. At least you got a hug out of it. Yeah, well, that's true. There was a hug. Damn. Mark, I feel like you're looking at this the wrong way. Oh, sorry. I feel like you're making this about you, but I don't know.

You're right. It's still bad. I love you, dad. I love you. to look at dad. What's the video? The video is of the little girl crawling out from under... Oh!

I don't know if I can watch this. All right. I'd rather watch the dad get hit by the train than the little girl. Yeah, same. Just put on some kiddie porn. We'll call it a day. At least that kid's getting off. Oh, my God.

Although, I guess technically they could both be riding a train. Mark, this is an outrageous. Sorry. Mark, you're reading into this whole thing the wrong way, dude. So a man in Texas went and divorced his wife without her knowledge. And now police officers are looking for him because he went to a notary and forged her signature. Wow. She was married to Frederick Douglass? Mm-hmm.

I was amazed to. This is a long time ago. Yeah. She's married to Clinton Portis? That's cool. I think that's kind of fun. That's how I would divorce a wife. He's my age. She doesn't look bad. And she didn't know about the divorce until a couple months later when she noticed him buying jewelry on his. his credit card statements, asking him what it was for.

He said, I don't need to tell you, we're divorced. Damn. That's against the law? Yes, she had to. Takes two to tango, huh? Yeah. He also forged her signature. See, I'm a guy.

I'll be in a relationship miserable. I was in a 13-year relationship, which should have ended at 7. But I just was like, I don't want to dump anybody. That's mean. Even 7's being generous, you know? Yeah. About 3 and, you know? Probably, yeah, high school sweetheart, the whole thing.

But what am I going to hurt somebody's feelings? Yeah, I agree. So eventually I just kind of checked out. emotionally and she dumped me. Are you good at like breakups? Can you just break up? That's what I'm saying. I couldn't do it. No, now you drag it out. I'll just marry her and be miserable forever.

Yeah, because I want to hurt somebody's feelings. Yeah, somebody crying. I don't want to be involved. Confrontations are the worst. The worst. Hurting somebody? Nothing else. That's why I don't know how you fight people. I would just be like, I love you man. What are we doing? He's like that, actually. Yeah, I would be a much better fighter if I was meaner. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't want to hurt him. Even when you would practice, you would never double down. just hated it. Yeah. You used to have this great joke about how it's just weird the two guys fight. Like, you'd at least get in like a little car wreck and then fight, you know, because you need some animosity. I know. Well, a lot of the good fighters create that animosity. Nick Diaz. He's an angry guy. He's a lot of them view it is just, it's just what they do. They don't need the animosity. That's crazy. Pros don't need the animosity. But like, Khabib, you can see, he's like, I really want to fuck this guy up. So he's an athlete too, though. He's like, well, of course. He's there to just. He's there to win. Yeah, it's a sport. Scary guy.

What does she got? Hey, can I just say one thing? The Colorado shooter, this school shooter, this one on number three. Dude, do you see what they're doing with the movie Joker? Is that a girl or a guy? That's a guy, right? That's a girl. Wasn't he in transition?

Uh-oh. Wait. Oh, boy. What pronoun should we use? Devin Erickson. That's a guy. Wow. And Jay's, you're watching it.

Would. Yeah, we'll watch this for two seconds. school shooting. Oh shit. Is this today? No. This is months ago. Okay. You never know it's shooting. That's so many. Wait, is that what he? That was him? No, that's like a victim.

That guy got killed. Oh, yeah. It's like Louis C.K.'s joke. The fact I didn't make it. The county courthouse in Castle Rock, Colorado with the latest. Alicia. Hi, John. The service for Hedriciousio is being called a celebration of life, and the procession will be led by the Douglas County Sheriff's Department. It's the first time they've done so for a civilian.

the 18th. Let's talk about his funeral. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you see the movie, The Joker? Because, yeah.

Is this one of your current event? It's one of me. All right, I'll save it. Good, move on. I think I know what you're going to say, but I'm excited to see it. Everybody's raving about it.

Aurora, where the shooting's still placed. They're not going to show it there. There's a bunch of theaters doing it. Oh, wow. Because they're worried that, for whatever movie, for whatever reason,

the character Joker is like the Insell. It's like the Gary Seinfeld of comedy for, For mass shooters, it's third, Jerry finds. In some ways, maybe I know. Maybe I don't. But in a way, it's like almost, there is probably some.

You're in the movie, you know. Oh, you are? Oh, cool, man. Congrats. This is going to be a big hit. You might sell a ticket. Yeah. You never know.

It would have been, it would be a big hit. Century City's not going to do it, right? Because last time there's the Joker movie there, Batman begins, there was the mass shooting. Whoa. I didn't know that. I don't think so. Yes. L.A.?

Aurora. Oh, I'm thinking of studio series. It's the century. The century. The movie, yeah, I can see that being an issue. You think in like 100 years we'll go to the Aurora Theater, like people go to Auschwitz? You know? You think it'll be like a landmark?

No, there's too many. Oh, there's too many. You're right. Yeah, good point. It's normal now. Yeah, no one's going to Sandy Hook on vacation. No, it's the flavor of the week. Yeah.

Unfortunately, it's a bummer. Isn't that wild? Yeah. What a weird. I wonder if shooters talk about, like comedy. Like, man, you know, like people talk about Carson. They don't have anybody to. They're usually alone.

Well, you don't know. They have group chats now. That's where they organize things and get ideas. Here's the, well, it's not the problem. Here's the thing. They're not getting famous anymore. That's what I'm saying. You used to get famous from it.

Yeah. Now, like, we know the Columbine shooters, the first one. Right. You know those dumbasses. Exactly. But now, like, the media's savvy to it. Like, oh, this is what they want. So you don't see their faces.

I guess the first time I've seen that fucked up moron with the diet hair who shot up the stem I don't, I can tell you his name The lady boy Most of their names But I'm saying you did Carson

The 80s, you were famous overnight It was like a school shooting Now as a comic, no one cares It's like school shooters You know, yeah No one cares It's too many There's too many

It used to break you Yep Now it doesn't Nope God Now I got Andrew Shultz And just You know

Put your shootings Online Oh god I mean Right Oh man Oh boy See I

This is why I'm bombing my Netflix pitches. I'm too dark. Andrew Shulson. What else you got? This is, okay, this is a trailer. We'll be able to show a little bit of it, but it's Adam Sandler's new movie. Yeah, which is.

It looks awesome. I've seen that, right? So it's a serious role. Have you seen Sailor around New York at all? Dude, I just saw him yesterday. At the Netflix's the office, I got to say this. He's wearing a T-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip-flop. I was like, man, did he make it?

Yes. I'm shaking at my boots. Oh, hey, Mr. Netflix. How you doing? Who is this? Sandler. Oh, man. The Sandman.

Just hanging out in the lobby. Dude, he is Netflix. He is. He is. He is. He is. He is. He's like a 12-movie deal.

Fucking hell. He always wears baggy clothes. Yeah. He's so conch of his body. Is that right? Let me see this. Interesting. See, we all have flaws.

We're all human. I love when he does drama. I love when he does drama. Spanglish. Spanglish. Spanglish is great. Crazy risk. We gamble.

Waterboy. Oh, he's got a Taturo vibe, huh? I want the Celtics to cover. I want to self-att. Kevin Garnett. Points and rebounds. What do you know? I don't know.

I just know. Well, I'll tell you what I know. That's the dumbest fucking bet I ever heard of. I disagree. That's Frank Whits his face. He's the manager for the Mets. There you go. What is that?

I started it. You're serious. You're taking my money all over town, place in bed. I'm having very serious. Oh, she's in Frozen. Wow. How do you know Frozen stars? I got a three-year-old.

Oh, you do? Do you want to build a snowman? I think she's sexy, man. The kid? Edina Mazzle. Oh, oh, oh. I thought you meant the three-year-old. She's fucking sexy.

Your voice is crazy. I think she's just hot. I just don't know. I agree. He's got a crazy jaw. Yep. Yeah, she doesn't have a jaw. I like it.

I like a big, big mug. She looks Israeli or something. Yeah. I love Israel. She's Israeli, right? Israeli chicks are the beautiful. Crazy that Israeli to Jew to American Jew, a real drop-off. Maybe, I don't know.

Something about the Jew blood and that, the homeland. Yeah, it's pure. Then they come here and they fucking, yeah. They get allergies and shit. They can't touch a milk. What else? All right, the next one. Sorry.

No, no, no. I'm talking about the internet not working. Don't ever apologize. The internet's not working? It was like Stalin, so that's why I couldn't finish the trailer. I'm going to watch that. I'm going to watch that too. When's that come out, by the way?

It's not 2020. It's on Netflix, right? Yeah, of course, Netflix. Damn, that's too lost. The loss of man who lost. Wait, let me see that. Okay, so this is from actually Marx Hood. This guy's from Louisiana.

So he tried to propose to his girlfriend on a hotel. You know, the hotels that are underwater. It's like the windows, you're, You could see the water. Like Atlantis? Or like the sea la. Jesus Christ. He'd go under the water?

What do you mean? Yeah, he went under the water and then proposed his girlfriend by diving. I'm confused. I'll show you the video real quick. So she's in a tank? He's outside of the tank? She's inside a hotel that's underwater. Like the hotel room that's underwater.

Oh, and he did it with paper? Yes, and this is in Tanzania. Tanzania? I believe it was Tanzania. Where's Tanzania? I don't know. All right. See, I don't feel so bad.

If the Asian guys didn't get out from underneath. Let's see if this, he couldn't get it. He couldn't get. He couldn't get out? No, so he actually did the whole proposal, and then he never ended up going back up. He never surfaced. Ah. That's in there?

Yeah. That's the note. That's a long note. I can't hold my breath long enough to tell you everything I love about you, but everything I love about you, I love more every day. So he did this. That's a lot of work. Yeah. Will you marry me?

I don't know why that's plain. That's more than you've written in a year. God damn it, dude How did he die, though? So it's still kind of weird They don't know the exact causes yet See, I blame the ladies He came back up though

He came back up? Let me show you this video real quick We always got one up each other Yeah, we don't see the Do you see the fucking It went viral? I think Christina P posted it It's the girl's wife

She was making fun of it It's pretty funny but this lady's going Through pregnancy and the guy's like Like has a fucking novel Have you seen this? Oh, he's like saying all this stuff doing this And she's going through her pregnancy. Oh, so intense.

You're like, dude, you fucked us, dude. Yeah. All the chicks see that? Exactly. And we don't want to get married in the first place, you twas? We do all this shit for you. That's right. We don't want to do this.

It went underwater. Yeah. So check out this video real quick. He popped the question on... Not to mention when you break up, you get all the money. It's a lose-lose. It went horribly wrong. Louisiana.

For a lifelong memory. Damn. Stephen Weber and his girlfriend, Kenisha Antoine, we're on... Ah, interracial. That's the room right there, see you? That's pretty cool.

Yeah. All right, here we are. And the under... I don't know if I get relaxed. I don't know if I get relaxed in there. Antoine, who was inside at the time, shows Weber outside one of the room's windows, 30 feet underwater.

30 feet, I didn't realize it's that. That's pretty low, yeah. You down there. Yeah, that's a lot of us. Yeah. How deep is your love? 30 feet. That's when he started to go up.

And that was it. Ah, he should have gone scuba. So you never got to hear my answer. And that's her. She posted on her Facebook. Oh, my God. What a fucking bummer! What a disaster.

Jesus. The only one worse, you know what? The only one worse, I've told you about this. The only one worse I've seen this is when that couple just got married and they jumped in a viper. Vipers are squirrely. Everyone's like, have a good life, he's all thanks.

Right in the wall. Damn. They both tied? Damn, that poor viper. Are you fucking kidding me? Brutal. Yeah.

30 feet. Oh, my God. There's the famous, No your limits. There's the famous story about Cleobis and Crichton. Two sons. This is an old story. Two sons.

I see. Their mother is, their mother is, Their mother, the chariot, the horse is sick. The mother is a good woman. She's got perfect sons. And she wants to go to the temple to pray to Hera and Zeus's wife and give alms. And the son said, mother, we will take you. And they're the exemplary of like two perfect sons.

And they strap the fucking chariot to their chest. And they run her four miles in the heat to, you know, so she can pray in time to her. So the mother gets there and they're so exhausted. They have to take a nap under a tree and they're like, and their dog goes and praise to Hera. There better be a payoff. I'm a socked in the face. And she says, all I ask, and Harris says, you're a good,

she comes to her and says, you're a good woman. And she goes, what can I do for your piety? And she says, all I ask is that my sons die the happiest of men. And of course. Whose story is better? Your time next week? Or this one. And of course, here's the punchline.

And of course her sons, never wake up. Ah, it's a miscarriage. It's a miscarriage. Damn. Wow. Damn. Sometimes shit can happen. Look, you died happy, right?

Did he? Why panic? Yeah. Probably fucking sheer panic. Yeah. Oh, I fucked up. I'm not that good of a swimmer. I'm 30 feet deep.

That's deep. Shorty feet deep is really deep. Oh, I'm dead. Yeah. The irony is the black woman is the bad swimmer, and she's still alive. This is, hold Mark, that's not how to read into this. Oh, sorry.

God damn it. I got to take a groundlings class. All right, it's all right. No, you're all right. All right. What else you guys? I'm sure you saw this already, Antonio Brown.

This is from 2018, though, where he's alleged to have trashed a condo that he paid $35,000 a month for. That's his condo. Trash you, right? But here's a problem. He was allegedly throwing furniture outside the window where people were at on the pool.

Oh, this guy's a coo. Every week is something with him. Are you a sports fan? Yeah, yeah. Most comics aren't, I feel like that's true, yeah. Landing in the pool, landing on the pool deck, people scrambling. So you can see the items here going to the pool. You're falling at a luxurious hotel and condo.

And it lands even right there. And there's... As families in sunbaters, look up, then run from what's coming down. Damn. There was even kids running around, too, so he could have actually... He's a fucking moron. But he's saying it's not him. Like, someone broke into his place because they had bad security.

They're doing this. Maybe. No, definitely. We would have footage of another person. I would expect it. Oh, you don't see him throwing it? No. Why would he do that?

Why would he do that? Because he's a moron. He's the same guy that threatened in a group chat to the lady that's suing him for sexual assault. He group chattered threatened her life. Doesn't think things through, does he? No. Didn't he rape a couple people as well? Yes, that's the problem.

You were glossing out. The chairs, I don't mind. Brian is I don't think a guy like this would do this. Well. Yeah. Well, he was... The guy who lost $60 million this year? That guy? Damn. So wait, do you have... Because I got beat up a lot as a kid.

Do you have that? Like, let's say he heard you say that. He's a moron. And he was like, I want to fight you. Would that make you nervous? Not Brendan. It would make me nervous for sure, but I'd probably beat him up. You think so? Wow. If he came at me, you'd beat me up.

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I'm saying if he came at me, I would beat him up. You would kill him to. You'd think so? But I don't want to. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I don't want too much

He's a football player Don't forget I mean he's a large Anthony is small though Oh is he It doesn't matter It doesn't matter It doesn't matter

He doesn't matter He fought in UFC 16 pro fights I'm aware No no no no Nobody has probably has been training He's thick It doesn't matter He would take

He would take any of those guys If they were they going to tackle him Maybe Okay so take Pick whoever you want Who's the toughest guy in the NFL Anybody JJ what?

Go ahead. What about Cam Newton? Great. He's a quarterback. Let's go like a tight end or something. Okay, good. Glover. All right, Glover.

There we go. Okay, so ready? No, Donald, right? Aaron Donald. Yeah, Ern Donald. Danny Glover. I'd fuck him up. Yeah.

Huge, really big, really athletic. Brennan, dressed like this, hasn't fought forever. And so the guy comes at Brennan and slams him against the wall. A big problem. Guess what? Look at that. Yeah. He's going to sleep.

They just don't know the technique. Right. I know the technique. Yeah, he's also. as strong as those guys. Right now. I don't look like that anymore. What are you talking about?

Look at that. That's a different guy. That's Reggie Bush. Oh, okay. You would be Reggie Bush up. What? Yeah. Well, he's a big stoner.

Yeah, that's true. No, they're freaky athletes. I don't like people being mad at me, but if the guy's an idiot, he's an idiot, you know? I don't want any problems. If they train forever, but I mean, if they just come out of them and their football players, against a UFC veteran who's been fighting, who has 16 pro fights and they're heavyweights like Brennan, who's 2-7? I just don't want the problems.

I get it. I love that you're defending your boy here. I'm just saying like... He'd punch him in the face. He put his fist or his elbow right through his face. But it'd be nice to have that gene is my point of like, oh yeah, I could beat that guy. I'm not worried. I'm worried about, you know,

that nerd in the hallway out there on the computer, that dweeb on doing tech. At the end of the day, Brendan is a guy who is one of those rare guys who, in any situation if you're in a room with seven people, he could lock the door and kill everybody. with his bare hands.

Unless you're in a room of seven UFC heavyweights. Then it can be a little dying. But you're like you're even good UFC guys right now who are 155, like, you know, really good guys. There's tiny guys. They're not beating Brennan in a fight. I don't care how famous that. Oh, wow. You know how hard it would be to give me to fight somebody?

I get. I'm worthy on that. I'm in the same boat. I do, some people do forget that about him, about his, the fact that he's a gorilla, a man gorilla. Yeah. And we'll, we'll. The gorilla. No.

Their crests gritty. When I knew that with him was when he was fighting. Actually, I think you had just stopped. No, you were fighting. And we were rolling jiu-jitsu in a giant Samoan professional black belt, professional fighter, heavyweight fighter. Samoan's terrifying. Goes like this to Brennan. They're thick.

This guy was bigger than Brennan. This guy was big. And just an athlete. And he goes like this. He goes, Shab! And waves him over to roll with him. And I go, ooh, geez. And Brendan looks at me.

He goes, watch this. I go, he's in black belt, and he goes, oh, I know, it doesn't matter. And then I watched Brandon beat the fucking shit out of this guy. Wow, send me that link. I got to rub one out. I mean, can you get the fuck out of him? Wow. I was like, oh, fuck.

But that's what you got to love about like a Mark Hunt. You know, he's just like flabby. Is he someone? Kill you. Kill you. Kill you. He's got an iron jaw and he's just got those fucking swings. Do you watch fighting too?

Yeah, yeah. Really? You're a fan. I just watch it on YouTube all day. I don't really catch it on one. it's on, but I'm up to snuff on it. What's your sport? If you had to pick one or no.

I like basketball is probably the most entertaining, I'd say. Got it from Dominic Si. If he decided to start fighting. Well, any of those guys. If they're a Donald, he's a freak. Yeah. What else you got, Jen? I don't know how we got thrown on this.

This is a quick one. So that Making a Murderer saga? No. Oh, boy. But this is a director from a new series that's coming out. I'm all about it. I need something new. He's saying that someone that he talked to in prison

confessed to killing that girl, Teresa Hallbach. So it's not those two guys that are in prison right now. Brendan? Brendan Dassey and... That moron? That other guy. This guy.

That's the guy. Avery, Stephen Andy. Yeah, Gallifanex. I just want to get famous enough to be the most famous Brendan. You know what I'm saying? Brendan Dassey's killing it, dude.

What do you think? And that doesn't be getting all deep and gay, but what do you think it's going on with? We're obsessed with Ted Bundy, true crime, murdering. And then you say, I'm like that black swimming joke I made.

We'll get in more, but we're so obsessed with blood and murder and like Michael Jackson's molesting kids. Let's watch that doc. Yes. We love dark shit. It's like we don't feel anymore. You know, it's like we're craving it. Yeah, you know what's interesting.

I was listening to, uh, oh, Doc Shepherd on armchair, uh, expert. He was saying how he played this role on Netflix where it was a extreme, like, right, um, role. Like the whole show was extreme alt-right, super extreme alt-right. Yeah. And his, uh, friend. acting friends, like famous actor, like, I can't believe you'd play that. He goes, yeah, but two months ago, you guys were celebrating that I got an offer to play

Ted Bundy. Exactly. That's fascinating. That's a great point. You guys thought, oh, fantastic. Good point. But me playing alt-right in the show, you wouldn't do that? Wow.

Right. How crazy is that? That is fascinating. They're so dumb. Because that's because some people are dumb. That's most society. And they're cheap. It's a cheap thing.

There's a book called The Madness of Crowds. which I'm about to read. Crowds? Crowds. Oh, crowds. And it's like any, nowadays, this, this hard left or this weird thing where, where there's this orthodoxy. And if you violate anything, you're dragged up onto the altar of the politically correct.

And it doesn't matter how non-racist you are. It doesn't matter who you are. If you in any way, because it's virtue signaling. Everybody wants to be the one to catch the racist. And even though, and so they'll go after people who aren't even racist. They'll just be like, you said that. I'm not a racist. Look, I caught that person. I'm expressing outrage.

And you get them. You have a group. Let's make sure we get them. Mob mentality. They're dumb. They're not students of history. And they're not good people. Yeah, some are well-educated.

I agree. It doesn't mean they're good people. I think they're good people. I don't think they have a passion. It doesn't mean you have smart. That's interesting. They're like, I'm really not doing anything. Well-educated and I talk to a lot of them on this, my old podcast.

Well-educated means that they are fucking, they are that doesn't mean they're smart it means they have an orthodoxy it means they are vicious a lot of but they're not stupid it doesn't mean they're good people it just means that they are they are ideologues that they are when you're really educated and you live in a in a in a fucking university you're surrounded by walls you're surrounded by walls and no one really you're you're surrounded by all these people and you better toe the line or you don't pretend you're sure the same opinion yeah even if you disagree you're just yeah try finding a conservative economist economics professor at an Ivy League school. I'll find them for you, but they're, they're relegated to the fucking dark closet over there.

It's fat. This is newer, right? Though, what it's new? I feel like when I was a kid, this wasn't happening. The humanities is almost all hard left people, like anybody who teaches, you know, sociology, even history. They're all Marxists. Yeah, but you think being in the middle would actually be considered more open-minded. Because you're listening to two things, right. But they don't have any of the challenging their orthodoxy. So all of a sudden you get this, it's just, it's just, so well documented. You get this, this sort of like collective beehive mind. But the irony, it's the opposite of inclusion, which is their big credo. Of course it's the opposite of inclusion.

Of course it is. Yeah, but you're not even allowed to speak on campuses a lot of times. Right. And so it's been a race to the bottom intellectually. They're not I talked to them. They're not, they're not well, they're not widely read. They're specifically read. So do you think it's a deep need to be like

fit in and be wanted and be liked? It's also, it's also when you study. an agenda, right? Yes, but there's also a really weird thing about being a human being. When you study just one thing, biology, when you study just one thing, sociology, when you study just one thing, oppression, when you study just one thing, victimhood, you're going to see every, if that's what you study and that's what you read, you only see it through that lens. Right, right. And when you're a professor or you're in academia, you don't, I'm telling you, I talk to them, you don't have to contend with the real world the way we do. Yeah.

You don't have to make a profit. You don't have to figure out a way to cater to a lot of people. all of us are very in tune with what's going on out there because we mix with them, drink with them, we perform for them, we know what they like. All over. All over. But when you're an academic, you don't have to run your own business. You don't have to make a payroll. You don't have to fucking actually listen to.

You have students who are 17, 18, 19, 20. They're in front of you. You have your colleagues who are all reading the same books and speaking the same language. That's why like with the Trump stuff. Can he win again? It's like, yeah, man. Oh, yeah. People.

I'm telling us people in Houston and New Orleans and New York. They're so out of touch. If you get out of the bubble of New York and L.A. Oh, yeah. And you get in the Portland's and you get in the Iowa's and Ohio's Columbus and Florida. It's like, oh, you know, he definitely has a chance. I'm telling you it's a chance. They're amazing.

And also, those people aren't, you know, like online in social media and L.A. and New York, it's real tight. Right. They don't give. They don't laugh at all your jokes. Right. Every joke you man there is, they know it's a joke. I know.

So classic example, classic example is the Dave Chappelle thing. The critic gave it 17%. We all gave it 100%. The critics are terrified themselves of going bad. Why? Because they have shit in their closet. Of course. They don't want to be out of it.

So now you've got journalists from places like BuzzFeed, if you want to call them journalists, etc. Who get money, you make money. Off the negativity. Off the negativity. But also, but anyone who writes a reality. review, I'm not going to share this common. We have nothing in common.

If Mark, if you came in here like, hey man, I went around reviewing specials the other day and leaving negative comments, like, oh, you can't be in here, dude. Yeah, be weird. We have nothing to talk about. We're not the same guy. But just critics. We're not going to be friends. But even critics used to be really good.

Critics used to be saying, now critics are activists. Now Vice runs a thing saying you can definitely skip Dave Chappelle Stix and Stones. That's so weird. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. And they're all afraid that they don't have ideas. So they just have outrage.

And offense, being offended is not an argument. But they don't have, they don't have ideas to match. They're terrified to put their ideas against these, like Chappelle's ideas, Bill Burr's ideas. They don't matter to fight them. They'll get them by their own. Yeah. So exactly. So all they have, all they have is a way to publicly shame you, cancel you and shame you.

They're not, they're too afraid to put their ideas up against my idea. But here's the other thing. Here's the other thing to be it's everybody's a critic. Everyone has their voice now. Whether you're a critic from a podcast, whether you're a critic from your social media platform, these people think they garner some sort of attention. It gives them, oh, look what I did, man.

But it must eat them alive that guys like us are just like, we're on the internet, we're doing a pod. We got our own thing going. You can't stop me. Sorry. I saw these things. No matter what you do. You can review it, but that's it.

Somebody sent me a clip of these two morons who were, they're just so typical. These guys have never done a sport. and they have a podcast, and they're going bad, including on Al Madrigal. They didn't even know who Al Madrigal was. Al Magical is a fucking beast. And they're going, who is this guy? He looks like somebody. And I was like,

Shrimp and ain't easy. And these two poor guys, these poor guys, they just live on sort of a way of criticizing people like Rogan and stuff. But they were, it was, I was just like, oh, dude,

you guys got to get laid, get out there and do something, do something. Yeah. And the twist is. It's so much easier to sit out here and go, these guys suck. Right.

And they hate this shit so much, but they're going to make Trump win. You're making, You're flaming the fire, man. You don't even realize it because you hate it so much and you won't shut up. It's making it worse. It's the same thing where people are pushing female and different, you're shoving in our face.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, I don't want that. Are you funny? I want equality. I want equality. I want equality. Not equality. Don't force out equality of outcome.

I want Brendan Density out. Are you good enough? Are you good enough? I want a hierarchy of competence, a hierarchy of merit. Yeah. If you're better than me, you make more money. There are plenty of women. I can list off a bunch of women that make a lot more money than I do, and they deserve it.

Right. Because for however they did it, they got more people interested in them. I'm a liberal douche myself, but why am I scared of my own side? That's not a good sign. They're terrifying. Yeah, they're scary. Well, mainly because corporations listen to them and you can get fired. Yeah, I guess.

I mean, fucking Google and all these big companies, what's the last company we're just talking about? Where you fuck up and they'll fire you. Everybody can, like, you know, these, these, no, uh, uh, uh, Anheuser Bush. Oh, yeah. Blackmun. Yeah. And I was all of them.

Yeah. Boy, good rant, everybody. Thank you. That was great. Thank you, most. Good addition, Chin. What else? What else?

What else? What else? Yeah. Gross. Gross is the best. This guy? Rob Hillis. He's a hunk.

He's a hunk. He's a hunk. He looks like me and Brian had a baby. Yeah. Right. Charged with attacking a rib longer.

So this girl right here. Lip biting. That's his girlfriend. And this girl here is his wife. Ooh. So his girlfriend was upset with him for some reason. Sidepiece.

Yeah. Well, they're dating. So I guess, yeah. But then, yeah. Marriage, maybe. So she ended up biting his lip. Mm-hmm. And it was so bad.

Why did she bite his lip? Like, he got an argument. Yeah, it's a sexual tension thing, whatever. And she bit. She got upset with him for some reason. I'm sure maybe he was hooking up with another girl. Yeah. And then, uh, that's just, that was his lip.

Oh, that's quite a herpy. Holy hell. That's horrible. That's horrible. I don't get the biting lit. Like, don't, I hate all that. He'll just by his lip off. Yeah, she tried. Definitely tried to buy it.

Wow. He must have got caught. Who did this? Who did this? I'm sorry, what's this guy do? She's an actress. He's an actress, too. Actor.

Wow. They act on the same soap opera and they also did like a lifetime movie and stuff like that. Imagine if this was flipped, by the way. Imagine if a guy. Oh, he'd be done. Dude, that's a scar for us. That's a scar.

Well, that he's hideous now. He pulled it. He pulled it off. He's got a little Bubba Gump action, but he's all right. I don't know, man. Those eyeballs, though. They're dreamy. They take the attention away from the...

Yeah, his eyes are nice. Dude, you bite somebody's lip. That's fucked up. Yeah. What happened to her? Do we know? Criminal charge. All right.

All right. Good. Good. Rotten hell, whore. Can't be... Rotten hell. I mean, that's... She shouldn't be walking around the street.

She's a menace. Dangerous. Yeah. That's not cool, man. Especially, you're going to ruin that Adonis? Come on. But if she's hot, let her go, you know? I mean, dude.

What the fuck? I mean, she's a good-looking game. She's crazy. Yeah. She's crazy eyes. Women can be, I love it. Women can be very violent. Yeah, Neil Brennan had that great tweet.

Like, so Bill Burr had a great special by getting sexually assaulted. How come we're not tracking this woman down? Why does anyone care about that? He's like, eh, that's a good point. Oh, about the girl that grabbed them? Yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah. Yeah, I haven't.

But you know what? I think it does belong to men. Men are, it's like my friend, Michaela said. I go, yeah, it's things, women, a lot of women seem to hate men now. She goes, yeah, I know, but when men hate women, they kill them. That's true. And rape. I do think that I do think that

Me Too belongs to women and it should Well well let's don't Terry Cruz in there as well Oh yeah Yeah well fuck off The 6 5 black guy He was uncomfortable He can go fuck himself Beat the guy up

What did you do Terry Cruz You gotta pass to beat this guy up He lost me there Because that guy I know That dude who's an agent Is apparently a great fucking You know that guy? Yeah I know people

He's a great dude And so I grew up doing that with dude He was trashed That's what we do It's like shaking hands He was also trash Terry Cruz just wanted to be part Terry Cruz sounds like wanted to be part of this.

No, no. Terry Cruz's also the guy before this, a year prior. He came out doing a fucking PR movement on how he's addicted to porno. And he had to tell his wife. Get the fucking line. Dude, you mean being a dude? Get the fuck out of my bunk, dude. I also know.

Get out of my bunk. I know plenty of people that know him too. You hear these story and you're like, you know, oh, you know what? We can end on this. You know what I'm not on the tension. You don't get me wrong. I went kick her out of my bed for eating crackers. Demi Moore.

Have you seen her thing? Threesums. She wrote a new book, and she's like, I just want people to know, when I was dating Ashton Coucher, who she was 35 years older, she goes, we would have threesome. And I felt like I had to do it to keep him around. I'm like, oh, fuck. Wow. This is how you're going to write your book? She's, she's, nobody needs attention more than that girl.

But I mean, I again, another person I know, and people I know who work with her for many years. I know people that worked with her for many years. And she is, she is a crazy. A hole that can never be filled. I'd like, for attention. I'd like the attention. You'd have a better. Not what I meant.

You'd do better with filling. Of course she wrote a book. Of course she needs to stay in the limelight. Of course. But think about, you went bad on your guy after that long. Ashton Coucher mocked my alcoholism. That's because you're 45 dating this 22-year-old. He's like, quit drinking, bitch.

Right. No, he's drinking. It's unhealthy. I'm trying to help. And then also, you sign up for, you sign up to date this in massive celebrity. Yeah, yeah. who's younger, and he wants to have threesomes, and now you're writing a book with a tell-all.

Bitch, he's married and has kids. And the best-working guy in the world. And awesome. Crazy talented. He's so wealthy from investing in tech. Oh, yeah. He's a major and owns restaurants. Twitter, Facebook.

Yeah, monster. And so, you know, a good guy, by the way, from what I hear, and you go bad on him now, fuck off. Demi, let's talk about it. But that's part of relationship. He didn't want to go to brunch, but he did it. You know, we all do things. He didn't want to go to church on the church.

Listen, you don't want to hang out with your fucking kids all day. Of course. But he did it. Yeah, he's got to hang out with Bruce Willis's jizz. I hate this fucking culture. I want to get out of here. Yeah, well. He didn't have to kick it with Bruce all the time.

Remember he showed him as a family? Oh. You think Ashton could you want to take part in family day? Yeah. They wanted to bust nuts. I want to fucking, let's move somewhere like Boise Island. No, let's go hang out of Ashton. Ashton.

Ashton. Ashton. I call him Aston. You call him. Ashton. Well, either way. That's it. Mark, we love you, dude.

Hey, thanks for it. We won my face. I mean, our show's canceled now, but yeah, we're getting kicked off the air. Blame me. You can blame it all on me. You dress exactly how a New York comic I thought would dress. Oh, is that right? To a T.

Sponsored by Puma and New Balance. Oh, no, I love New Balance. It's all I wear. Really? Yeah. For comfort? Comfort. So I'm a square honky, you know, what am I doing?

I can't pull a. I have a square honky. He's got a, you know, a retard shoe. So, you know, we're all, we're just a couple of whites. Those are, yeah. You got a special needs. You have a lunchbox with those shoes. Hey, man.

You thought he said, Robbie. Oh, you're talking about you. These are fantastic. I thought you were going mad on his shoes. No, no. In my neighborhood, those would have gotten jacked in 10 seconds. Yeah, my too, dude. Where are you going to be at?

You have the Comedy Store belly room. Punch line this weekend, Sacramento. That's a great club, man. Great room. Great fucking. I love it. The town's a little boring, but yeah. You know it's actually better?

When's the last time you went? It's like two years? Yeah, it got better. Oh, really? Yeah, I was doing the fires and had a good time. Hey, guys, great news. I forgot to tell you. Do your dates because we're doing his.

Before we do his dates, school is airing tonight. Hey, all right. Let's get through his dates. I hope there's a shooter in that show. I know you guys am awaiting. School tonight. Yes.

Every ABC. Yeah, somebody shoots up to place. Go through your dates, buddy. All right. A Paramount in Oakland. Oklahoma, I'm at the Addison Improv. Is that Dallas? You got that right.

Yep. Yeah. Cap City and Austin, big room. Let's fill that one up. I got some hot ones on the bill here. Roster T. Coma's great. Ruster T? Yeah.

Yeah, unfortunately. It's good. No, I like that club. You like it? Yes. All right, all right. It's a little club, but it's awesome. Ooh, Healy and Portland, end of December.

Yeah. You get some great fucking dates coming up. I like clubs. Dude, I like that Ruster T feathers. Where can they get Tink and pop? They got a link here. Mark Norman Comedy.com.

That's it. And then I'm sure it's on your Instagram. Yeah, and I got a podcast called Tuesdays with stories

where we yuck it up with a Joe List and we just do basically what we did here. I didn't know. You got a podcast? Oh yeah. It's a fun one.

It's filthy. I mean, if you thought this was dark, we go way blacker. Way B. So school for you here's tonight? School tonight,

830 on, yes, and we have a new Jay was supposed to add this. So Tampa, This weekend, Friday, Saturday, Tampa Improv. Nice.

I think some tickets are still available. And then October 24, 25, 26, I'm at Brea Improv. So you fucked us. I just talked through the ice house in Pasadena, Brian County and Friends. I fucked up. We added the state. I'm doing Brea in a month from now. So maybe you come down.

Maybe you come down. No, I'm not going to be a room. To Ontario or Brea? No, no, no, no. Too far, Bubba. It is a little far, right? It's an hour. But Bray Improv 1024, 25, and 26.

Get your tickets now. Yeah, he has it on there, dude. Yes, he does. So we're probably going to have to cancel the Ice House. We'll do it, though. We'll reschedule. I'm in Denver, hometown. Tomorrow night.

Thursday, I think it's sold out. Saturday, early shows, sold out two shows Friday, late show, Saturday. Get your tickets. T-fat K.com. You have three shows? On one night in Denver? No, no. Oh, okay.

Man, you guys are living the dream. Next week, I'm in Pittsburgh. Those shows are almost sold out Pittsburgh Improv. That is October 3rd. third through the fifth, and then October 17th through the 19th, I'm in Philly. Also, all those dates that I posted, the

UK, Ireland, Sweden, Stockholm, Amsterdam, all tickets are available this Friday. This Friday, you don't need to do pre-sale anymore. This Friday, all those tickets are available. And I'm at the Wilbur in Boston in January. Get your tickets, TVACA.com.

Mark, you're the best. Praise on. Lord Norman. Thanks for having me. A little gay. A real comic. Quif, anal jizz. This is hard, kid. We're out. All right. What an app.

Good ep. That was great.