The Fighter & The Kid - Fan Favorite Episode 538 Chris Distefano

Episode Date: May 24, 2026

Chris Distefano witnesses Bryan wearing Crocs and attacking Brendan and the guys talk cholesterol levels, Chris' right to racial slurs, bombing on stage, stories of Chris' doctorate degree and time playing division 3 basketball, his mafia connected dad, Jerry Lewis, Artie Lange and much more!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Not many men. Can we stand my punch? Punch. Obviously. Obviously. Oh, for sure. Got a set a hair on them. Black belts and chicken. Chicken heads. Uh, I think you'd be surprised. I think you'd be surprised. Abbott Kenny Fight Club. Fight Club. Fight Club. Hmm. Kids got a piece on them. Peace on them.

Couple one, two cutie pies. I still got it, baby. Lift your shield. And now from the Onet's... Studios in Plyar, Vista, California. It is the moment you've been waiting for. The fighter and the kid is coming at you live. No, no, we're not live. It doesn't matter.

Sounds better when you say, live. We're not live. We don't do it live, right? Shut up, man. And now it's the fighter and the kid. Live. Shot live. This is not live.

It's not live. Yeah, Papa, us. How was last night? It was good. We left like 20 minutes after. So it was no problem, you know? Just like, chilled, what can you do? So here we are.

What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you going to do? What do you're going to do about it? What I tell you? What are you going to work about it? What are you going to do about it? What are?

What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? What now? You do. You know.

Here goes with my balls. A bulldog in my nose. Now, shut the fuck up. Now you're a tough guy? Now you're a tough guy? No. Well, this is it a lot. Get you an over.

What happens? Yeah, exactly. Don't fuck around. Hey, hey. Hey. Hey, all right? Now, sit down. Don't let me slap your nuts.

Put your nuts away doing your drive. Oh. You're so vainy, dude. Why you're nuts so vainy? All right, dude. What do you mean all right? I didn't know you wanted crocs that bad. I'll tell you something else.

Those are so terrible. Oh, my God. 81.26, Wilsher Boulevard, He and Machado Jiu-Jitsu. Did he teach you a poet, you're nuts and bulldog him? All this fair and love him more, brother. Wow. You got a nice, nice, tight, high ass, too. I got a nice ass.

I didn't expect you to have a tight high ass like that. I give him that. I get Brian a lot of shit. He was one of the best ass I've seen in the game. It's plump and it's high and it's tight. And your balls look like what I thought. balls would look like. Yeah, they're old. But I almost got 53.

Dude, that legit took everything in my power because I didn't know that was going to happen for me to not take a lick. Yeah, yeah, that's what happens. Put them in your mouth. When he puts them out like that, because I thought that my day was cured, but it's not cured.

The baby brain. Tell you a story, when I was young man, I was probably 18 years old in Russia, in communist Russia. I hook up with this gal. I meet these two girls in the lobby. Turn out there were probably hookers. Now, or girls that need help with their rent.

Now, listen, my buddy, he couldn't do it with Christina. It was Christina and Svetlana. And he couldn't pull the trigger. He couldn't get his, yeah. He'd never been around another guy. Me, I don't give a shit. I'll have a second.

Knee and knee. Knee and knee with my boys. We've been there. That's it. Hey, hey. Wait, what? Yeah. But you know what I mean?

It's, ah. No, hey, no, I didn't get it that way. Just nuts were out. No, I know, but just take it easy. I apologize. And the point is, um, I'm there, and he can't perform. So I go,

well, come join. He's a practice player. That's right. So I'm giving it to Spadlana, giving it to her at 17, 18 years old. Condom or no condom? Of course, no condom. Now, yeah, come on, Baba.

Come on, it's Russia. Russia, Bob, it's Russia. I have a Russia baby. This is 1989? Oh, yeah. They didn't even have. Maybe, no, 85? Maybe I can't.

I'm young. They didn't have herpes yet. Forty-four. No, you were good. So my mother called me. That's a whole other story. It doesn't matter. Now, now, she comes over.

Now, as I'm going to town on on Svetlana and then I go to town. Christina, I come back to Svetlana. Curvy? Curvy in the 80s? Oh, the best. The best. The best. The best. The best. Christina, a bit my butt. She went, uh-huh. Like that. The asshole or the cheek? No, just the cheek. It was so shocking to me.

Oh, I went, hey! Like that. I went, eh, like that. Wow. Would you drop your American load? You know, believe it or not, I don't remember. I literally don't remember. But it wasn't anything pornographic. She was getting that stars in stride, brother. Yeah, it was probably, it was probably in her. Now, I'm going to say this.

Not a gay man, but I've seen my sheer fair dicks. It's all Chris's dick today. Send him a pick of it. And it is, it's long and a little thin, you know this, long and thin. I got girth, long and thin. Long and thin, and you can verify one wart, which is not that bad. One war. No, that is like.

That is bad. Why? It's just one. There's guys that there have in double digits. I have one tiny little wart. No, we got to get that taken care of. I asked him how much he banished. He lied to me.

I didn't lie to you. And I got fucking also, I got good news, too. Just hot off the press is from the doctor. Are you cool if I show count your doctor too? Absolutely. Just so everybody just... He's wearing a barstool sports shirt, by the way. Well, that's not a bad dick, dude.

No, not at all. Dude, I was impressed. Hold on. This kid's got a fucking piece on him. I got a hug. I mean, I'm very impressed with that. But it's long. It's a long dick.

It's a long dick. A little bit. Yours is girthier for sure. I'm somewhere in the middle of you. too. I don't know. I'm impressed. My dick looks like your dicks had babies. DeStefano's got a piece on it. Dude, I told you. I got a little bit of a hog.

A solid eight inches. Eight inches, nine with warts. Nine with warts. Yeah. That's a, that's a Brooklyn Hockey. I'm going to go back. I'll be right back. No, dude, come back. Yeah. It's a Brooklyn Hogi. And I got, I got this.

Just sent it to you. Well, the last time we at the comic store, me, him and Santia, and I get the picture from Troy, I said, I go, hey, we models? You know, to friendly, we models, 9 a.m. You get goo! So I went, I was driving with, oh my God. Yeah, dude.

I went, well, good for you, man. Good for you. And then I just got the email today. Chlamydia trachometitis, negative. Gonorrhea N gonorrhea RNA, negative. Vaginitis, positive. No. It said herpes one, negative.

Herpes two. Positive. Negative. Wow. HIV. Have, me. We don't know. Negative.

Negative. Negative. So far negative. But it's good. The only thing I have is a tad bit high cholesterol, but I have been plant-based, 90% plant-based, which is it's been interesting because the last time I came on here, you know, I fully, I wanted to be in a relationship with Brian. And I'm not saying I don't want to do that, but I do feel like since I've added mostly plants it to my diet, the gay feels somewhat cured. Right. But I still do.

Like, it's one of those things where, like, now. Now I'll just, I'll have a gay thought, and I'll eat a zucchini. There you go. And then you're good. And then I just feel like. Until Callen got his nuts out, and then I saw your mouthwater. That's what happened. Then I was, then I still, because I want plants, but then I was like, give me a sweet potato.

I want to put it in my ass. So was it? I just didn't want to eat it the regular way. Let me ask you this. Yeah. You are plant base. What was your cholesterol? Give me a number.

My cholesterol was when I started plant, before I started doing this was $250 total cholesterol. Because I got an Italian fat dick. That's high. you know and now since I'm 50s is that high I don't know close mine was 154 and he was like a little high I just know blood pressure yeah plant 250's very high yeah it was through the roof

I'm a fat cuisine well that's literally now now now now now you have to look at oxidized cholesterol size of the molecule all kinds of fucking things I bet 250 usually I put you on statin total and the doctor was like listen you're 35 years old what are you doing

and he asked me honestly he was like tell me what you eat and I said he said what food do you eat the most and I'm being honest I was like Like, let me think. He said, yeah, it's important that I know. And then I said, probably pizza. And he said, okay, it's New York City. How many slices of pizza do you eat a week?

And this is a real number, okay? He was like, think about it. This is seven days? This is in a seven-day cycle. I told him, and I was confident with this number that I eat 28 slices of pizza a week. Okay. Seven. That's what I was eating.

All right. Now, when you took your cholesterol, did you, had you eaten before? Did you fast? No, I did the fasting cholesterol, everything. You know, I didn't eat for eight to 10 hours. Now he said the 250 is. of total read. What was your LDL? My LDLs, I believe,

were, my LDLs were like 150. They were high. My high cholesterol, my good cholesterol was high. My HDLs were high, which is positive. So that's why he wasn't too concerned. But the LDLs and the triglycerides were TTR through the roof.

And do you think that's all because of New York pizza? It was the pizza. It was all the fat and meat that I believe I was eating. Triglisoride is not good. You don't want that high. That was high. But then, but then, baby girl did the plant-based diet, 90% I can't go ever, I still eat meat.

90% plant-based and the total cholesterol is 190. Ooh. Everything here, I have it. Everything. How long have you been doing it? I was doing it for about six to eight weeks. Because Johnny Boy over here is doing

all meat. Just red meat. I haven't had anything but red meat since Sunday now. But Boopi Bear, you don't have any cholesterol issues, right? No, I'm fine. Have you had, the last time you had a check? 1884?

No, I got blood checked in January. If Bubba's does, if you don't have any, if monkey butt, if you don't have any cholesterol issues, then you can eat the meat. I had, daddy had cholesterol issues. They see three large pies a week. And a lot of sweets. I was eating a lot. I got sweet tea too.

My triglycerides were through the fucking rice. But you don't have like a skinny fat build on you. I know you always talk about your tits. I do have fat off center nipples. My total cholesterol now as of February 5th was 191 total cholesterol HDL's at 61, triglycerines at 75, non-HDLs at 131.

You might as well be speaking Ethiopian. LDL cholesterol 116 and the VLDL cholesterol, which is for transgender people, was 15. Yeah. You got a transgender reading. Yeah. So I had a transgender reading. Do you identify as a transgender man?

I identify as a trans. Well, right now, I think it depends because here's the thing. is if, if, you know, we live in a free society right now. And there's days where I do genuinely feel like a transgender Eskimo. So I don't know why I can't just get in my little igloo. So it's in a piece of halibut and make it a pussy. It's, it's innuette. It's not Eskimo.

I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. Did we used to date, me and you? Maybe. Because I feel like you and I used to date. There's something about that mustache. I feel like I've been tickled by you before.

That's not even a mustache. That's a mustache. We call that a mustache. What do you do now in L.A. again, dude? where are you out here? In Los Angeles? Yes. I was doing, I did your guy's podcast, do Theo Vaughn's podcast,

and then tomorrow I'm doing stand-up on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Oh. But he does it in Vegas. So I wanted to come out here. From his comedy club? From his comedy club in Las Vegas. But they produce and shoot it for, it's not live, right? They just put it at it into the TV show.

Yeah. There's a few people that are going to do it, and then he just will put it out whenever. I'm looking forward to do it, but I only said yes to do it because I was like, oh, this gives me a reason to come to L.A. and get on the podcast. I like Kimmel. I love him too. I don't know him, but he, I just, everybody I know, I know his sister.

He's a great fucking guy. He was the host. Monster. Monster. His show is the edgiest, coolest one out of all those late nights. You ever see him crying over Don Rickles? Oh, yeah. No.

I love that. You've seen him cry, I mean, he's cried a million times. He was crying over Don. He loved Don Rickles and he couldn't stop crying. It was just so cool. Gay homo for that. No, no, no. Hey, hey.

Hey, you're on the show, man. Whoa. Hey, I mean that. In this climate? I'm sorry. It's the plants. My V-LDLs are high, man. You can't plan that on your on your bigotry.

No, dude, I'm kidding. But you know the difference between bigotry and racism is? Bigotry and racism. Bigot and racism. No, I don't. If you're a bigot versus being a racist. Yeah. I guess bigot means you're essentially prejudiced against, it could be anything.

It could be individual. If you're racist, you're prejudiced against a race. But if you're bigoted, you're, I don't want fat people. That would be bigoted. But you could be racist. towards multiple races. You're just saying it's just racist. Without the word bigot, he's a bigot.

You can be, I don't hire, I don't hire a fat people. I don't hire a short people. I think racism and tribalism is just a part of us as human beings. And it's like, doesn't make you all bad. You know what I mean? Like my dad, when Staten Island, there was a hurricane on Hurricane Sandy in 2012. And my dad lived on Staten Island. And the coast of Staten Island was ravaged, right?

But my father lived a little bit inland. So he would get a U-Haul truck every single day and go down and help the families, mostly Latino families, help them out, take their kids to school, everything. But simultaneously, while he was doing that, just because he's an old school guy from the Bronx, like the leader of the one family took in the patriarch, his name was Jose, my dad just called him Juan.

You know? Or like, it's just, or he was like, hey, kids, don't steal my silverware. Like old hack jokes, you know? He was like, where's your fucking passports? If you got, I'll get ice in here in a second. Are you citizens? But he was taking them to school every day, washing their clothes, everything like that, you know.

Good guy. It's old school mentality. So it's like, but it's like in 20s in 20s. 20, somebody who's fucking woke and dope would be like, oh, my dad's a pig. And it's like, yeah, he was doing more than you were with your dumb fucking paper straws. He's a good pig. He's a good pig. My dad's a good, good, good

thing. I always say that it's your intention. If you're doing something to make the world a better place physically, then you have a higher standing. Absolutely. That's why I feel like I literally genuinely, every, any time, anytime I go I'm sorry, Chris.

These are going to. Oh, my God. Sorry, they're so distracting. Dude, don't. No, please don't get at your cock. I'll fucking come. No, please don't. Dick, I'm being getting serious. These plants got them feeling type of way, dude.

I've been 90% plant-paced. I'm going to be honest with you right now. Because last time I was about being a relationship, but I'm just fucking horny because I haven't had meat. So if you pull your dick out, it's going to get sucked. All right, well, here you go. I'm not going to wear this. I got these socks on there, cute. Whoa, you got pretty ampy dexterous toes.

Yeah, I do. dexterity of your feet There's even a corgi on your This is Cat, these are amazing The best They dry vaginas up everywhere But I'm gonna wear these

Kat are you upset if I said them on fire? I love no by all means I actually hate Crocs too But they're cute Same These have got to be like a hung up These are good Those are nice, real nice

Those are awesome What do they say on them? It says rinks Because he's wrinkly Old rings I thought his ass was I thought his skin was None

I give him that He has a J-Lo ass It does get a fatty. You said it, I'm built like a frog. Yep. Because when I did my genome, I was so excited. It said it was mostly fast twitch muscle. Build for speed and power.

And I was like, Brandon! He goes, well, you're built like a frog. Kermit the frog. So, like, what I was saying before is like, you know, like I'm someone, and this is just where I come from, where it's like, I feel like I donate to GoFundMe's anytime I see a homeless person. I not only offer them money, I offer them food and water. So why am I not allowed to then yell racial slurs at non-whites in the street? I just ask me that. Because you...

I don't know why. Chris, you can't... Chris... Because you fucking can't. I don't understand why. You can't do nice things for people just so you can be a vocal racist. But I'm giving homeless people fucking full bagels toasting with butter.

I know, dude, but you can't... He's kind of earned it, though. No, too. Guys, you're missing a fucking point. He's clearly doing this so he can exercise his right to be a complete son of a bitch racist. Yeah, I can't... I can't throw a mask at an Asian person to say, put this on you, coronavirus fucking

If I gave a guy, if I gave, literally gave a homeless guy a dollar. Yeah. If I gave a homeless guy a fucking dollar. You're buying, you're racist. You're buying a racist comment. If I get a homeless guy a dollar, I can't go on the subway and go up to some woman selling juries and say, passport now or I call ice in five seconds. No, you can't. What? Why not? Because you're so, you're so offensive to my, I'm rather

won't. Or go kick a black guy in the face, say here's your fucking month. Hey. If I give a guy, if I give a guy $5 a week before that, That homeless guy? You can't buy. You're right to be a racist, you son of him. Dude, that's huge your money.

February's over, you son of a bitch. I'm just kidding around. Oh, it's Women's History Month. Let me tuck it back. I'm kidding around. Chris, you've killed our podcast. Here's your mom. Chris shut down the podcast.

I'm joking. I'm just kidding. I am fucking outrageous. June, how about fucking Super Tuesdays? Were you surprised? I was not so surprised. The question is, does Biden or Bernie pull out? the ultimate nomination.

I say, I think it's going to be Joe Biden. As far as you think Biden's going to be the, he's more elected. I think he's more elected. It feels like actually the Democrat. I was surprised most, most people like,

I didn't think that many people like Biden. I find him like very old. He's a familiar face. He's been around a long time. He's kind of like a Scranton, Pennsylvania kind of. Nice. He's a, he's kind of,

people aren't as Lucy Goosey and liberal as Bernie was thinking, when it comes down to everyone's like, I think Trumpy boy is going to win again, though. What could be Biden and Bernie? The thing is, like Brian said before, it's like, this is what we get a pick from? Well, the best thing somebody said about any of them. The best thing somebody said about Bernie Sanders, one of the things that's good about Bernie

is that he speaks his mind. He's as authentic as he gets. But one of the things that somebody says, when Bernie Sanders talks about free college, free health care, he is a guy who believes those things should be moral rights. That's an argument. Right. And I respect it. But at the end of the day, when it comes to actually paying for it,

when it comes out of the nitty gritty of it all, that's where he's going to fall short. But he's a Jew, he'll find a way. Was that okay to say? No, I don't know. He's a Brooklyn Jew, right? He's a Brooklyn Jew, but he lives in Vermont. He's a Brooklyn Jew who's actually, I think, almost anti-Israel.

I mean, he's got these very sort of unpopular Jewish views. He's a guy who took his honeymoon in the Soviet Union. He did. Yes. He went to the so. He left you. Dude, let me know next time. I'll open my mouth.

What the fuck? Did you see? Oh, no. That's the other thing. People are around my set on the show. People are bumping elbows. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I love that people.

Shake my hands right now. No. I love that people buy the corona, buy the masks, like those masks. That's not going to do anything. It only helps if you have the virus. It keeps it so you don't get other people.

That's sick. Babesicles. Let me tell you something. right now. That fucking babicles, dude. That fucking, Babesicles. He kissed me yesterday at the comments. Kiss me too. In front of all my friends. I'm like, what's up, dude? It's coming here. I'm like, what? Yeah. Okay. What are you going to do, dude? That's the thing. You and I can get on the

octagon and you'll stick to the floor because I'll come all over you. You're not going to get up to it. I'm going to shoot my spider webs on you and pin you one, two, three. I don't want to. Chlamydia-free guy. I got the results. It's true. Listen, the coronavirus, I don't think for a second that that's from eating bats, I think that that was biochemically made in a lab in China. And they make it. And then the people that wear the masks are so fucking stupid because the masks are made in China. They're dipping the masks in the coronavirus sent them to the United States.

It's a whole conspiracy that I know that the liberal fucking cucks have made to try to crash the economy. And you're not going to take down Trump, Trump 2020. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? I'm just fucking getting it around. I don't know. Here's your month. I feel like that will cross the line.

I do. I'm so sorry. Is it live? We edit that white. We can let, we can edit it. No, you guys can keep it, but I just feel like that.

I felt like I was having fun with the thing. And then I said, kick that. And then I saw people put their heads down when I said, here's your month. Right. I love and support all black people

and people of any race, culture and creed and transgender people. I love it. Literally, there's not a group of people on this fucking planet that I don't love, except the Vietnamese because we were a war. Jesus Christ,

you and have a Vietnamese woman in the fucking... Get your fucking sandwiches and shove them up your little... Cat's a fucking cat. Cat is from Vietnam. I know I love you. It's just I can't, I'm kidding around. I was just joking. You went bad on Eskimos, you went bad on Vietnamese.

I'm kidding. I'm just fucking being silly. Here's your mom. I'm being a silly goose, man. Hey, you want to wait to release this to after you shoot Kimmel? Yeah, I'm a silly, silly goose. I'm just, because I was just saying I don't. I'm kidding.

I love everybody. I have a Puerto Rican child. That's true. Oh, you do. Again, you get away with a lot, dude. Oh, because your, your baby's mama is Puerto Rican. She's Puerto Rican. I saw a baby.

your mama last night. Nice tits, right? Whoa. She's single. Really? She's hot. She's beautiful girl. We need him like the same type.

We have the same type. Yeah. Is it hot, curvy and Latin? Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. She's spicy, my kid.

And I want to get back with her, I think, too. I'd like to get back with my kid's mom. I'm just done to make it work. I'm just done. Are you tired? I'm tired and I'm like, why am I missing so many? I see my daughter every single day, but it's still like there's times while I just go back. It's 10 o'clock at night.

You know, put her to bed. And then I go back to my apartment. I'm like, whoa, what the fuck? Why am I, she still should. Are you not waking up with her? Well, I, I wake up with her Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend, but there's still other days. I'm like, I don't, I don't know. I don't want to, I just miss, I think I missed the family.

Bite the bullet and jump back in. Jump right back in. Is baby mama down, though? Baby mama, I think she's down. Why did you guys break up in the first place? Because we got into an argument, and I didn't give her my phone and she kicked the air conditioner out the window. That's fair. So that's, she's Dominican?

What is she? She's Puerto Rico. Ooh, tougher. So we just, no, you know what it is? We, we had, she conceived the baby on like our second or third date. Hell yeah. So we didn't know each other at all. And then we tried to make this thing work and it didn't work.

But now I'm like, you know what? Like two years. We're older? Yeah, we broke up for two years. You had a boyfriend. I had my life. Why don't we just try to make this thing work again? Can she me down?

I think she would. She's hot. She's hot. She's hot. And she's great. You want babe skills to give a run? She's fucking. I know it's much.

I know it's much. Can I get a picture? Dude, I know it's the mother of my kid, but I'm being dead here. She's hot. She's so fucking beautiful. And her dick, oh, my God. Dude. Oh, no.

You guys see this girl's being this lady. Hey, by the way, who is your Afghani friend who's sitting next to you? This is Don. Hey, who's the alleycap version of your boy, Yonis? I was going to say, this is, we call him handsome Yianis. Yeah. This is Don, this is Don, this is Don DePetta. Don, do you have a mic?

No. 100% of time. 100% of time. No, no, no. No. He's 100% of time. Are you showing us baby mama right now? I'll show baby mama, but while Don, introduce yourself, saying hello to the group.

You're going to show him the tit-tat? No, no, no, no. Load up the good one. Load up the good one. You showed Daddy last night. Didn't I show Daddy a few of them? Yeah, you did. Which one do you like when she's a very nice?

I like the thick one. You have some real New York. Yeah, she's a real New York Rican, which I like. She's just a great lady. He just has some New York hose in that phone now. Yeah? Yeah. You know, like just that.

Subway. You could peruse. I didn't see that one. You're going to see. Show them which one you saw. She's a beautiful. Look at that face. And she looks just like my daughter.

She looks like fucking a young. She looks like a young. You know what she looks like? Who's in a wrestler? Who isn't a wrestler? Who isn't a wrestler? Oh, no. She's hotter than her.

Mickey Rourke. Her body's way. Are you talking about Marissa Tome? Marissa Tomey. Her body's way better. Yeah. She's gorgeous girl. A good time.

Good time. So I'm thinking like now it's time. Because you know what? it was. Well, they're separates, I don't congrats. I was finding, trying to always find ways to get out of the relationship when we, when, you know, you're a comic, sure. Self-sabotized. Well, yeah, because I was like self-sabotizing. I was like, I don't really know her. Everyone was like, you should have the baby, but like, you don't really know her. So I was always like, this is a red flag. That's red flag.

But then that's time when I'm like, yeah, she was scared because, and I was scared, we had a baby. We didn't even know each other. Like, it's not going to be, that's not going to be an easy relationship. And I feel like I jumped too quick. If you were together for seven years, how the baby's going to be a strain. No, but she does want, she has expressed interest, you know. In another child. Well, because we've both been like, why don't, why? I mean, why?

We fucking got the kids. I pay for your place. I pay for my place. Like, why don't we just be a family. You're still attracted to her? Hell yeah, we're still attracted. She's probably a great mom. She's an excellent mom.

How old's your baby? My baby's going to be five in two months. I'm there in May. Let me be the middle, man. I'll be your doctor, Phil. Absolutely. No, I'm being the doctor, Phil. I know, but babcicles, I feel as though you're, you don't have pure intentions.

What's going on? We'll see. Well, here's your month. Look, you don't want to keep, don't bring hungry eyes around your girl. I know, because... No, he gets girls. Oh, no, I know he does,

but the problem is the big man, the big man, I don't know, girls kind of, they want to, they get all weird around the big man. No, I know, she would love him. They all love him. They all love him. But that's okay.

The only other issue I have, my kids... So you wear pajamas. I'm wearing a little pajama pants. Dolly wears. The thing is, though, what my kid's mom is that you, you know, I, she would like you,

I think she would like you a lot but she I'm confident even with your professional fighting experience you just I don't know she's got that internal gear that internal Puerto Rican gear that she'll fucking she'll get she'll stab you in the pancreas yeah yeah you'll bleed your pancreas she doesn't know I mean she has an eighth grade education

but she'll find your pancreas and rip it out and eat it and put sassone on it yeah the next thing you know your pancrets in empanana and she's eating it in front of you I know dude my girl's from Guadalajara and it's a fucking nightmare they have a good cartel there yeah Some say the best. Some say the best, yeah. Not big on the human rights.

Yeah, but, you know, not everyone's... Mexico? You know, hanging from a bridge. I'm reading this book on Mexico. You know, 5% of all murders get solved in Mexico? 5%. If you want to murder somebody, you're doing in Mexico. Where was...

What book is it? It's this El Chapchin El Chapo. Oh, wow. That's fantastic. 5%. 5% of all murders get solved. That seems high. That's what I thought.

That seems high. I was like it's one to two. Think about how to... Because they don't care. Because they're like, and it's so corrupt, they're not looking into it. You ever drink a jarito? It's fucking nice little beverage. I don't know.

It's just a bear. I thought it's Mexican. It's some nice little drink that I like to drink. Just a nice little gerito. A jarito? Yeah, Jarrito. Put on a baseball game. Watch those fucking guys went around.

The bases. Okay. Yeah, man. Oh, the little, the little. Yeah. A jarito. Jarritos. Jarritos.

Okay, Jarritos. The fruit punch. Yeah, so. Cici, Guava? Yeah, dude. Yeah, so I love all groups, man. Truly, I do. Well, I don't know.

Dude. Because what I was going to say is, like, being born and raised in New York City, it's like, you can't really be racist or hate any group, because whoever you think you hate, you're going to see them on the train in five minutes. Yeah. So it's like, it's really tough to be, like, a true racist. Correct. In New York.

It's really, I joke around. You have to really be committed. You not be committed. Like, literally, like, Howard Beach, which is like old school, like, mafia shit. Like, even those guys, you know, if. be like, listen, you know, nobody's fucking saying any slurs over here. But they'll rob you and kill your grandmother,

but they won't, you know what I mean? Racism is, yeah. It's not a thing. I feel like when it gets more isolated in certain parts of our country, it's like, you know, Don's from Atlanta. I mean, they're dropping a har-R on the N-word and some... His dad owns the punchline in Atlanta.

Did you know it? I didn't know that. I've never been to the punchline in Atlanta. Well, do you want to come? It's in a diner. I think you've outgrown it. I'm in Atlanta next week. Yeah, you're at the tag.

What are you with Bucket Theater. It's a good room. Nice. It's really nice. Dude, last night was fun at the story. Hell yeah, it was fun. Ask Chris to watch my set. I watched this set.

The crowd was a little strange. They were strange and I was going to listen, but Santino then started talking to me. I started making out and all that shit. And I thought that it was a good, I thought that it was, because we were, Brendan and I were talking before. And I was like, you got respect from your peers and the crowd loves you. So those two things are the hardest things because as far as bombing goes trying new material. I mean, you're just going to eat a fat one once. You didn't eat a fat one.

But I'm just saying, you had. you have to see the dick that I fucking ate two weeks ago at the comedy cellar. It's one of those things where I mean I'm eating. There's nothing funny. I'm getting a full, sad ho, a zero, bombing. Because I was doing new jokes about, I was, I did my ancestry.com, and I was doing jokes about being German. And then that just went too far, as Germans do.

So it was bombing. Were you goose stepping and Heil Hitler? Yeah, it was blitz-gring. And how was that 15 minutes? It was a 15 minutes of a full zero. A little dick. Yeah. And the eldest hand up.

That's a very tight room. We're in your peers watching, though, because I want to do really good because I knew you and Santillo are in the corner and Delia. So I'm like, oh, watch this. Well, I guess you could consider this man a peer. I thought nobody was watching. It was literally one of those bombs. I was sweating. I could feel the sweat dripping down my spine.

I was nauseous. I literally was nauseous coming off. I turned the corner and go up the stairs. Chris Rock sitting on the steps. I'm like, who's that? And then I was like, hi, Chris. Like, it was like, hi. And he was just like, just looked at me.

And that just went on and annihilated. Yeah. But I mean a full bombing. But I tried new stuff. I'm telling Chris, no one posts that. It'd be so good, I think, for people to see that. Obviously, you don't know when you're going to eat all the dicks. But if you could somehow capture that and post that, because we all post the best moments, right?

Yeah. You're special or Clipson's Special or sold out crowds. But if you could post you eating cock. Well, because there's nothing funny or two of a comedian than watching a good comedian really bomb. Yeah. Just watching a good. The hardest I ever made my friends left. I went to the Friars Club here in L.A.

And I looked at them and I was young. It was probably, fuck, this was when I was 34 years old. And I said, I go, I'm doing 45 minutes only on birds. Only on birds. And I did this thing about having a giant eagle and the things I would do the eagle. Dude, I'm talking about you can hear, like, clink, thing. All you can hear is people eating and just ching-ching. You could hear the clink of their, of their fucking,

as they were eating dinner. And, but my friends who were comics in the back, like just dying. I was eating. I was like, and then I was, and Steve Byrne, Steve Byrner, he was laughing so hard. Because I just kept going. Right.

I just, I double, I would double down. I go, I'm one of the top bird humorous in the country. I'm sorry, avian satirists. And I would keep doing it. Dude, I just kept doing it. Burn, I did that again. Me and Steve had to do a stand-up at Columbia College. well, in front of, wait for it, a bunch of Asian graduate students in math.

Why would they bring you guys in for that? Oh, no, dude. It was back when I just first started doing the road and it was a fucking college thing. God knows how much I was making. And I got up and I, and again, I was like, well, these people aren't going to get anything. Steve ate dicks. I ate the biggest dick. And sometimes you're like, well, you guys are into math.

Watch this. What's the deal with Eagles? You're into math? Just check this out. Oh, God. I was doing all kinds of weird shit. You ever fucking wrangle a cow? Blah, blah, blah.

Oh. Do you do colleges? Yeah, I do colleges. Oh, really? Well, yeah, I do them now a little bit, but I was, a couple of years ago. He's not allowed to anymore, honestly. He's not, yeah. No, actually.

No, dude, the podcast, my history in his podcast, because we just go fucking wild for history in nature, they, um, the colleges are starting to come around again because the kids listen to it. And it's like, you know, we're just talking about uncomfortable truths in history. But the best thing to do is, what you're bombing, like you in New York at the comedy cellar, and you're just eating a zero. Like, you know, those old school guys, Bobby Kelly, Keith Robertson, Colin Quinn, you'll just like bomb.

And then you're just like, so where are you from? And Bob, you'll hear Bobby go, shut up. You're bombing, shut up. And they'll just be like heckling you from the back and you're just eating it even more. You're like, oh, everybody's Bobby Kelly. And they're like, shut up. You're eating it. Shut up.

Sit in the bomb. You'll hear Colin quick go, sit in the bomb. Sit in the bomb. That's what they'll say. And they just want you to sit there and just eat a fucking hot talk. And so that's funny. And by the way, New York, Sit in the bomb.

You're trying to get out of it. Sit in the bomb. New York could give a fuck, too. Harder's audience is New York. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, yeah. Make me laugh, you piece of shit. You're as good as your last joke.

I was a fan one minute ago. I made a big, big, big mistake once to have like, I did comedy on the Seth Meyer show. And I thought that that was a big deal in 2015. and I had like a viewing party for it at the comedy seller and all those guys showed up and Jim Norton just annihilating me just about the jokes that I was doing

and Colin Quinn being like really Bobby Kelly like really dude this is what we're fucking here for a five minutes Seth Myers set you know just like an idiot how great is Bobby Kelly number one man I mean just the way that you get trashed

the thing is what the comedy seller is when you sit at that back table, especially like the way where it's cornered there, if you're sitting there and like, SD the Booker's there and the old school guys there and you're like, and they start making fun of you, you can't physically get out of it. So either you have

comebacks or because if they smell blood, like if Keith Robinson starts to really pick up, you're just going to get annihilated and it's going to hurt bad. Like you're just I scare me. I mean, I've been a viscerate like a viscerated. Jim Norton if you want to call your baby ugly. Like you can't do anything.

Now, Jim Norton's vile. Oh, yeah, he just started to take a hot one. Savvits. But that's, it's so the old school New York shit. I know. People didn't remember Rogan when he was younger, but Rogan, when I first met Rogan, he was a, he was a fucking Boston comic.

Oh, yeah. And dude, when he would, he was, like, he was like, a killer. He used to, he used to destroy rooms. Like, I'd be like, what the fuck? And I was kind of like always trying to act, but I would dabble around with stand-up. Right. And that guy would be like, I'd be like, oh, that guy's funny. He goes, he's, he's, he's,

fucking what? Follow me one time, bitch. He literally, it was like a sport for him. Is Jay Moore from Boston, too? Or Jay Moore's a monster, too. We saw him last night. We saw him last night. I haven't seen forever. As good a comic in many ways. As there is. Back in the day, you're talking about straight

savage. Jay Moore, Jay Moore in a lot of ways is so talented. He was so talented. His acting, his fucking stand-of- Jeremy McGuire. He was great, Jeremy McGuire. He's a beast. I used to open for him on the road. Oh, you did. When I first started, I used to open for Jay Moore and Artie Lang.

Those are the two guys. Jesus crazy. Yeah, because how I know. How long goes this? This was in 2011. One of the funniest, Artie and Jay Moore, both of whom I know very well. The way I started opening for Artie was I was at Caroline's. Caroline in 2011, Lewis Ferranda used to just book me to like open for everyone.

So I was opening for Richard Lewis. And Richard Lewis, he's notorious for this. He will not sit in the green room in between shows. He just will not sit in the green room. Where's he go? Outside? Goes back to his hotel. That's what he does.

He doesn't like the way. And he just shows up for first day, for game time. That's what he does, whatever. He doesn't want to talk or small time. He doesn't want to do anything. He has sold out 400 seats. I get it. Every night sold out.

I literally have 10 minutes of material at most. 12 minutes stretching the fuck out of my set. I've been doing comedy for 18 months. But they're having the MC weekend shows because Lewis is like, see something, whatever. So I've been doing it. It's fine. Thursday night show is fine. it was the same thing. They gave me the light at nine minutes. That means Richard's there.

Bring up Richard. Do your last joke. Richard Lewis. Fine, fine, fine. Friday night, Saturday night show is great. Saturday, 8 o'clock, fine. Everything good. Now, this is my fifth show. Saturday, 10 o'clock goes. And I fucking like clockwork. Nine minutes. I know I'm going to do my bullshit, you know, whatever newbie bit. Closer, blah, blah, blah. Who cares? Bring up Richard Lewis. Nine minutes I get there. No light. So I'm like, what's going on? And then a couple of minutes go by. I'm stretching. it out, whatever. I see Lewis in the back going like this with his hand being like, keep going, keep going. What? Dude, I had 10 minutes, 12, if I fucking stretched it, 58 minutes.

Shut up. Let me tell you. Richard Louis, in the car service back to his hotel, had gotten into a car accident, had hitting a drunk driver, he was fine, had hit Richard Lewis. The police wouldn't let him leave

until everything was assessed. So he had nowhere, he couldn't leave. 58 minutes, dude, I asked every single person in the crowd where they were from. The only thing that I know every, I know every state, I would yell at a state, I would yell the capital. I was just, that's what I did for 400 people, but there's only 50 states.

Ran out of that. Then I had a guy come up, and tried two minutes of stand it. He fucking blew me out of the water. Just came and started annihilated. So I got him off. Then I had, I was asking people what they had for lunch. I mean, literally, I was like, understand. I had 12 minutes. I did 58 fucking minutes.

That's the worst. It's like being at school with the post-al-hitting. I swear to God, I bring up Richard Lewis. I'm like, finally I see light. I'm like, thank God I see him. He doesn't say anything. He goes, guys, give it up for David. My opening. I thought my name was David the whole time. I did 58

minutes. Took a huge shit. Literally, I mean, people... Did you get paid extra or no? Not a fucking cent extra. Not a cent. I still have to pay 50. I still have to pay from my fucking cheeseburger half off. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

And you got any road stories that Jay Moore and Artie? Well, that's why I brought that Richard Lewis thing up because Artie Lang saw that. Artie Lang was one of the guys in the back and I come on because Artie's a comics comic. I come off and Artie's like, dude, he goes, I knew exactly what was happening.

He said, I was telling Lewis, I'll go up there. I'll save this kid. And Lewis was like, no, he's got to learn. He's got to learn. But 58 minutes? I had 12 fucking minutes. So I was like, let me learn for another 10 minutes.

Right. Learn what. Like, you literally, I was almost going to fucking kill myself on stage. It's a slaughter. I was going to fucking start slitting my wrist with the butter nuts. You don't have the material. That's so long. I can't do anything.

So Artie Lang sees that. And then the way it worked out was Artie's like, listen, man, I'm going to bring you on the road. And he drove me all the way back home to my house. He's the nicest human being in the world. Oh, God. Great. Artie Lang was great. He's the best person in the world.

And this is Ardy was, you know, he's sober then. And he was saying, and he's sober now, by the way, I'm happy to see Artie's like, sober. And already, but at that point, he was sober. And he was like, listen, man, I just want a guy, you know, like you, young guy. He seems hungry, nice guy, good family. He's like, I just want you to, like, you'll be with me in between shows. Like, we get out of the green room. We walk around.

We just stay away from the boo. Stay away from the girls. Like, you don't have any habits. And I said, I don't. And he was like, and he was like, yes, you come with me. And then we would go on the road. And this is already, you know, 2011. it's like late 2011

he uh you know his Howard Stern fans were fucking vicious too like I remember dude Like they just won Artie and they're I performed that's what I used to open I opened for him a couple of times And they were all Howard Stern fans The height of his powers

They were so fucking drunk and rowdy It was out of control Dude literally count Basie theater Whatever that holds 12,500 fucking sold out I'm being serious Literally This is maybe the second show open for Artie

already was like hey you know it's count Bazy it's Jersey it's Jersey like these they're animals out there you know do five minutes bring me up it'll be fine I'm not lying you dude I had on I had on this purple I had on this purple button down shirt I don't know why I had a button down shirt I come out

they're like please walk a stage Christophano you know half the people clap whatever from the fucking last row in the upper deck as soon as I take the mic out of the stand perfect somebody goes nice shirt faggot Same thing with me Explodes in laughter

Arty has to come Save you Ardy comes on the God mic From the back goes Give the kid a chance Give him a chance He goes, the shirt sucks I'll give it to him

Give it up to my boy Trus DeFeno They let me do like Three jokes They let me do like three jokes And then a woman From the front It was like honey

Honey Like I could hear her She didn't even Nobody heard She was like honey Bring up Ardy Bring up Ardy That's what she said

That's an angel She goes honey I was an angel And she was so nice about it I brought up, Ardy. Same thing. I get on stage,

a guy who's a big fucking guy who's drunk, literally at the funny bowl in St. Louis goes, he gets up and he goes, those are gay fucking boots. Just scream like that. And that's how it started, man.

They fucking come out. And by the way, I don't condone the F word. I just wanted to, I just wanted to say that's what that guy said. They did that to Modi. Philadelphia Forum.

Modi comes out to open, and a guy goes, who are you, like, and Modi was like, what? He did three minutes. I'm in the closet.

I'm a closet. Modi, yeah. Modi's gay. He's out of the closet. He's gay, but he was like, fuck off. How long did you tour with Artie? I toured with Artie for the whole summer of 2011, 2011, 2012, and then Artie told me he was like, hey man, I think,

you know, not that I was a headliner yet, he's like, but he's like, you've opened for me. Like, I feel like I gave you the experience. Like, go try to work on featuring for other people, getting in the improvs, getting in the funny bones. Like, Artie is one of those comics that will never, ever, ever, he is like is so comfortable with who he is. He just wants to see the younger comedians do well.

and he'll do anything he can to help you he's such a good guy that's why like when he was having his like substance struggles like anybody would try to help him because he was like we don't want to lose arty man yeah because he's just such a great guy but now he's like totally healthy and he's on stage just fucking destroying again i i've always said this there are two people who i think are the funniest people i've ever been around on on like a personal like when you're just hanging out of them like geniuses genius level rdi lang and zach galafinacus yeah i never mentioned that Those two are, to me, in all my years of doing comedy, as far as, like, just, like, it'd be like being around, like, raw athletes, those athletes where you just go, like, Alden Smith are those guys, you're like, that's the best athlete you've ever seen or met, you know? Yeah. Whoever, whoever. Well, whoever it would be. Alden Smith, it's such a weird. But he's a freak athlete, is what I'm saying, like physically. Yeah.

But, but, like. Such a bit, yeah. But you told me. You said he's the best athlete I've ever met, right? I mean, he's six, five, 260, and, you know. Alden Smith? Yeah. Okay, whatever.

The point is, it sounds like, as far as just raw genius, an ability to be funny, like, an improvised-inducid, where you just go, oh, my, you're so fucking fun. So then did you go from R.D. to Jay Moore? Where's Jay Moore coming on it? Jay Moore was kind of around that same time. 2011?

2011, 2012 is when Jay, and Jay, we would open, I would open, Jay was great, but every, with Jay is like, when you're in the Greenwood with Jay, it's like he's always putting you in, like, wrestling moves, he's fucking teabagging you. Yeah, he tried wrestling me last night. Yeah, I've seen him and like, try to wrestle me to. So I literally would like, literally, sometimes I would come limping out onto stage

because Jay like tweaked my back, just putting me in some fucking move. And I was like in pain. So I was like, hey, man, like he would ask me for do certain dates. I was like, I just don't want to get beat up today. So I'm just not, I'm going to pass. And then he, you know, wound up falling out. But I hadn't seen Jay in years before he saw him yesterday. I feel like he hasn't been doing stand up.

I think he's been doing heroin. I think he went to a divorce, which I think. It was tough on him. It was tough on him. And then he, you know, he's the head wrestling coach at Palisades High. Yeah. He's the head wrestling coach? Palisades High.

Jay was a high school wrestler. Yeah. It was great to see Jay again. He's the head wrestling coach? Yeah. That's amazing. So he's just not that into acting and stuff like that anymore. I don't know.

You'd have to talk to him. He just come on the podcast. Talking last night, he got my number. Come on. I love that I just said heroin and people like, yikes. I was kidding, but it seems like people know more than I do. I was like, you're getting close, kid. I was full job.

Oh, sorry, Jay. So then you went, so you went, already monster, Jaymore, Monster. And then what? And then already Monster, Jay Moore, Monster. And then what happened after that? Then I got on the show's Guy Code and Girl Code, which became popular shows amongst high school and college kids, MTV, MTV, too. Was Schultz also on there?

Schultzzi was on that? Schultzzi, Charlemagne, Lil Duval, myself. God, Monce. Nicole Beyer, Jesse May Paluso. Jesus Christ. Carly Aquilino. A lot of Italians. A lot of talent, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then so we did that show, and that became really popular. And then I started, you know, I started headlining on my own in about late 2014. And I just started, you know, and then that literally, it's been crazy because from 2000, I was telling Donnie this the other day. From 2014 to 2019, out of all those years of headlining, five years of headlining, I got one, I made one bonus in Boston. But it was because it was around Christmas time. It means selling out. So you got a certain percentage until you get the bonus to make good money. Yeah, I made one bonus.

And then from 2019 to now, it's like 90% of them are bonuses. So it's been, I feel like I, you know, headline. And like I've been grinding it for like 10 years, which I know a lot of people have been grinding it way longer, but also a lot of people way shorter. So I just feel like, you know, now's like I have, by doing these podcasts and putting my stuff on the internet, I feel like I'm, I can give people an, all I, want to do is give people a chance, like, hey, see my work, if you like it, stick around. That's it,

just just, give me a fair chance. So I feel like I get that because of these shows that I get to come on. Like, you're a guy's show. People are laughing different now in the room. Like when you guys get on stage, you know when the laugh turned to it was just something different. He's there. He's got a sexy fucking voice right now. He just comes out. Yeah, he's got a very relaxed

voice. Like, it's relaxed. And when he comes... Smooth jazz. And the way, sometimes, like, I'll, Donald just, he'll just whisper a little bit. I will. I will get close. Hey, say, say, say, say, say, um, smooth jazz. Smooth jazz. Oh, that's it. There it.

That's it. Yeah. That's it. Uh-huh. Say a 100-thread count. Returned if you don't like it. 100-thead count. Wait, what I say?

100 thread count. A hundred thread count. Return if you don't like it. Is that what you're thinking? You're overthinking it. I'm overthinking it. Sorry. That was a bad reading.

You had your chance. I did. That's all right. Oh, well. This is what acting's about. Yeah. You're wearing your, are you a shoehead too, one of these guys? I'm not a shoehead.

I'm not a shoe head. A-5. Hey, Boomer? Sneakerhead. Sneakerhead. Sneakerhead. Sorry. Those are interesting. Those are the pink ones. And you don't wear the same sneakers two days in a row, right? No, sir.

It's got 300 pairs of sneakers. Strange love clab. These are hard to get. Daddy, Daddy. Daddy likes them. But that's why I think is so interesting about your comedies because you're a guy I was telling you in the text. Like you're deadly, you can fucking kill someone, but then you won't wear the same shoes a day in a row. So it's like you're a deadly gay in the closet guy. Yes. Which is like I'm like that too, but not deadly.

We're a couple gay ninjas. But I, right. Right, but you're actually a ninja. He's the gay ninja. He's a gay ninja. He's a gay ninja. Yeah, which is great, which is, I just think that's so relatable and cool. Did you notice when you were hanging out on me, how many comics come up and we talk shoes?

I know. Just for that five minutes, you and I were hanging out? All shoes. Let's get some shoes. You know what some guy said to me, he goes, so when you're with Shob and you guys are wrestling, you let him kind of just be up like that? And I went, what do you mean? And he goes, well, I mean, you're, you're letting him do that stuff.

obviously you could you could if you you you've fought back a little bit I was like no no I would I was a professional fighter never never buy a take to my show again no yeah but think of stupid that human is do you know I don't think they understand dude no they do like I literally is moron people just don't people just don't know I literally because you know Tom Segorra's doing a podcast in Spanish now yes so my kids mom's family you know Puerto Rican they speak Spanish they start listening to the podcast one of the fucking one of her Tos I don't know which one it was, Ramone, one of her uncles. One of them, one of the guys.

Now that knows this we call it. Yeah, yeah. One of the Jaditos comes up to me and he says we're at a family party and he's got a live rooster. No, we're at a family party. No, no, we're at a family party and it comes up to me

and he goes, he goes, you know this Tom Segura? And I said, yeah I said, you know, I know I know him, you know, I don't know him well, I said, but I know I'm a fan of his work, whatever, we've communicated a little bit, met him once and he goes, He goes, yeah, I've listened to his podcast. It's pretty good.

It's in Spanish. I go, yeah. He goes, he goes, what is he like, an up-and-comer open-micer? And then I sent him an article that the new $7 million house he just bought. I said, yeah, there's your open-micer. What are you fucking stupid, Ramon? What are you dumb, dumb, how dumb are you? An open-miker.

Open mic. Is he Spanish? Is that his first language Spanish? Yeah. His mama is, yeah, something like, yeah. But is it? I think he's Spanish. But not Mexico.

And it's Spanish. I don't know if it's Cuban. I forget what it is. Puerto Rican. No, I don't think he's Puerto Rican. No, I figure what it is. But he's Spanish, but he does a podcast in all Spanish, and now he's doing a special in all Spanish.

Smart. He's signed two with Netflix for one regular special, one Spanish special. That's amazing. Yeah. And he's a monster. He's only been a podcast for nine years. Hell, oh, Peruvian. Peruvian.

Peruvian. It's got a good country. They make good potatoes. I want to do ayahuasca. Yeah, Segar's a beast, man. Real money. Yeah, man. Monster.

So I don't know. But what can you do? There's nothing you can really do, Brendan. What you can do, man? I like that you got on... It's your month. What, where you say? Yeah, you got like a nice paint on your shirt.

I came from painting. Guys, guy. He fell into a short coma. Why? He's overdosed on GHB and fell into a short coma. Oh, no. What's GHB again? You're reading Wikipedia like it's real.

So I don't know. Probably could have put that. Maybe. I doubt that happened. I don't do any drugs. I did edibles once. Not for me. Dude, I literally did.

Okay. with the great Sherrod Smalls, another New York legend. I also got a piece on him. Oh, my God. You fucking, and it's not circumcised. Bring him up, Jim. He's got, Sharad. Sharrad has apparently an impossible piece on him.

He and already, uh, Fuqua. You haven't seen it? Charade Small, yeah. I know, I know of his piece. Big, big, big piece. Yeah. It's a good man. Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's, um. But hey. So, yeah. Right. But, yeah. Guys, what do you?

Right. Look, you can see. poking through. You think that that's Christian Finningham, but that's Sherrod's dick. Yeah. This is a nice white, fat cock. Yeah. And then so I

was with great Opie from the Opie and Anthony show, and Sherrod had given Opie edibles in a chocolate bar, right? And I didn't, I'd never taken edibles before. I'm not a drug guy, I don't know. Opie just gives me the chocolate bar. I don't know you're supposed to take half of a

half of the square. Oh, dude. the chocolate bar. Of course. Okay? So, Ope, and I love sweets.

I mean, I got high, you know, my cholesterol was $2.50 at the time. Yeah, I have sweet tea. So I love sweets, you know.

So I literally, oh, we're on the train, going to the Islanders game, New York Islanders game, and Opie just gives me the chocolate bar and just starts looking at his phone. So I didn't know

you were supposed to take half of half of square. I ate the entire chocolate bar. Just to the head, Shiraz Small's weed, chocolate, oh my God, okay?

I forget that it even happened. Because Opie just, for Alpy was like not doing the wheat. So Opie, he just gave me the chalk bar, didn't even think about it. I just fucking crushed this thing, right? Having a good time. All of a sudden, I'm at the Islanders game. First period, buzzer goes off.

I thought somebody threw a spear from the top of the jumbo trine, through my right, through the right side of my head, cutting off the left side of my body. I pop up out of the seat. I go, I'm having a stroke. I'm having a stroke. So I'm yelling that I'm having a stroke, right? I forgot that I was even on edibles.

I'm convinced I'm having a fucking stroke. Yeah. So I go up the stairs and I'm just walking around. I'm like, I'm having a stroke. Opie, I'm having a stroke. He's like, you're not having a stroke. I'm like, dude, I'm having a fucking stroke. I'm at the left side of my arm is, doesn't work.

And I'm like flinging my arm and it's not working. So then I'm like, I have to go. So terrifying. Dude, so I'm in a Pact Islanders game. And this is New York City. I'm a big Islanders fan. Opie's a big Islander's fan. So people know who we are.

Of course, they know Opie and they're like, so they'll stop and see Opie. They're like, oh, that guy's always on his show. So they're talking to me. I'm trying to have these, dude, the actual, just as luck would have it, the Islanders broadcast team interviewed Opie and brought me on the interview. Yeah, and I cursed on fucking S&Y. What did you say? I yelled fuck the Rangers because they were playing the Rangers.

So they were like, you know, camera down. See ya. You know? So I literally, I had gotten tickets. I had gotten tickets from the Islanders. The ticket connect was mine from the Islanders. So they found out that I yelled, fuck the Rangers, lose the tickets. I leave.

I leave Barclay Center. I walk up to a police officer who's in full SWAT riot gear because I mean it's New York City these guys have real jobs to do this terrorist activity I woke up to him I said officer

I'm gonna be 100% honest with right now I've ingested drugs and he goes and he goes and he goes and he goes I said I'm having a stroke and he goes

okay what kind of drugs did you ingest I said I can't tell you the type of marijuana strain that I've ingested but I have consumed an illegal amount of drugs I was trying to use all these professional words.

Dude, he started laughing at me so hard. I thought he was going to shoot his gun in the air. So he goes, I swear to God. He goes, kid, get the fuck out of here. That's what he says to me, like in a movie. And I was like, you know, so he goes, kid, get the fuck out of here. So I get in a cab. It's on 4th Avenue and 8th Street.

I get in a cab. I'm like, take me to where I live. Fourth Avenue and 93rd Street. So that, by the way, it was so, I, it was freezing. It was January. But I had my jacket on. I was so fucking hot. I asked this cab driver to open up all the windows.

This guy opened up all the windows, and he was like shivering and freezing. And I was like, guy, I'm sorry. I'm having a fucking stroke right now. I'm on drugs. You got to keep these windows down. And he was like, I'm so cold. I'm so cold. I was like, if you could show me a value US passport, I'll put the windows up.

Obviously, he couldn't. He said, they're staying down, fucking vitroo. So, so. Vitroo. I don't know. That's a bad pronunciation. I don't know, dude. I was high.

All right. So literally, dude, it's fourth. Fourth Avenue in 93rd Street, the cab driver stopped at a light at 4th Avenue in 63rd Street. I look at it, I'm like, I'm home. I opened the door. I opened the door and he's like, I thought I was on 93rd Street, but the six and the nine were, you know, reversed in my head.

Bro, I'm fucking sweating. It's like eight degrees out. I throw my jacket, like a $400 North Face jacket in a public garbage can in New York City. Bang, right in Sunset Park, Brooklyn. I start sprinting home. I don't know what the fuck is happening. I didn't live with my kid's mom at the time.

I go to my kid's mom's house. Since 10 o'clock a night, I ring the bell. Dude, I ring the bell. She goes, what are you doing here? I was like, I'm having a stroke. And she was like, Chris, you're not having a stroke. I said, I'm having a stroke. I've ingested drugs.

So she goes, oh my God. She goes, all right, come in. So she goes, you have to take a shower. She knew she used to use drugs when she was a kid. She's like, you have to take a shower and drink milk. I know. She goes, take a shower and drink milk. What does if you add XC and stuff?

Yeah. So I take a shower. I fucking start drinking this milk. And then I take a shower. I take a shower. I take a shower with my shoes and socks on. So that means I got completely butt naked and I put my socks and my shoes back on and I step in her shower. I haven't heard this story.

I haven't heard this story. Like a black guy who does porn. Exactly. Yeah. You got to get the grip. Yeah, got to get the grip. So I'm totally taking a shower with my fucking shoes and socks on. And then it's like I'm literally, it's getting bad.

And then out of nowhere, just bang, I start hysterical laughing. Just hysterical laughing, having the fucking best time. And then it was going back in waves. hysterical laughing terrified hysterical laughing terrified i slept on the floor in my at that time two-year-old daughter's room i's all true i sleep on the floor with her her she's got a stuffed animal piggy she fucking loves this animal piggy i at some point in the night i take piggy off her bed sleeping on the floor i wake up piggy's mouth on my taint no way literally and i was sleeping butt naked i slept butt naked on my daughter my two-year-old daughter's bedroom for i'm sleeping

butnicking. So think about what she has to wake up to. Two years old, her father who doesn't live in the house anymore, is naked with her favorite stuffed animal. In between my balls and asshole. And then I woke up, you know, my kid's mom, like, woke me up, and she saw what was happening, because she was the one

who woke me up. She was like, Chris, get out. And then, and then like, she's the whole thing, and she's like, this is why we can't be together. I was going to say, this is why you wrote up, why we can't be together. This is why you can't do it. That's the worst, dude. Dude, edibles. Man. Artie Lang talked me off. I called him in the middle of the night because I ate a brownie. Same thing. Exactly thing. I kept pacing the rug. Too potent, man. And they stay for ever. Yeah, I thought it was going to die. And I, and the clock was moving so slowly. I was like, what is it? It was a minute. An hour would go by and one minute would have gone by. And I called Arty. I go, I called the poison control center. And I go, I think I took too much marijuana. And he said, where are you? He said, where are you? And I think I took too much marijuana. And he said, where are you? And I go, I think I took too much marijuana. And he said, where are you? And I go, I think, I go, oh, and I hung up on a house phone back then.

Right. And then I called Artie, and I said, I feel like I'm going to die. He goes, you're not going to die. He feels jumping, and he talked me down for 45 minutes. Dude. Because he's a, who, what season drug addict do you call? You call your boy. Call him.

I woke him up. Thank God for Artie because he kept me coming home. When it comes we, he called Joey Diaz, especially comes to edible. Fuck, I did. I got so high in Jamaica with my girlfriend. I got there, and I tipped the guy. I thought you have a wife. This is a long time ago.

Oh, I'm separated. He's really good days. Oh, are you separated? I'm divorced now. Seriously, really? Yeah. Dude, what are you doing tonight? What do you mean?

You want to get some fucking edibles? I don't know, bro. You didn't tell me you were fucking divorced. Hey, hey, what are you doing? Whoa, come on, Tortolini, Tush. You didn't fucking tell me. No, no, no, I'm not. No, you're not my...

Guy, I'll fucking cancel Kimmel right now. As friends, I'm saying. You're not my type, man. Why don't we go to Jamaica? Why do you keep looking me up and down like that? Because I didn't know you were fucking on the market now, guy. Stop making this fucking weird, hon. Don't go my, hon.

Now I was telling the story about Jamaica, man. What do you want to do? You want to get a time share? I don't think so. I didn't know you were single. How I'm confused. Wow. Your teeth are straight.

Dude, that's the only thing that's straight about me. No, I'm kidding. I'm not, fucking congratsman. You're divorced. What can you do? What can you do? No, she's the best. Does she get the podcast?

She deserves more than half. She does. I know, I know. I love that I fucking fuck around her and I hit on real touchy subjects. I'm sorry. George, just one we want to go. I'll get the shit. Touchy subject.

We can edit this out, whatever you want. Pete Davidson. Oh. Is that touchy? Too touchy? No. Pete Davidson is not touchy. No,

no, no. It's, because you remember when I was defending Pete Davidson? Whenever I have interaction with Pete Davidson, he's always so nice to me. That's a good guy. And we exchanged numbers, we took back and forth.

And then I was talking, I was like, God, why do people give the guy so much shit just because he's fucking all these hot jigs and he's talented and all this stuff? And then a bunch of people DM me. And it was like, dude, Ashboy Chris, why he gets so much hate? And so I was like, I didn't, I was like, why the fuck?

Dude. So I text Chris randomly because I watched Pete special. I go, dude, why would fucking people hate on this guy? Well, the thing is, I'm crazy. I just got in trouble for this yesterday. Careful. Well, no. In trouble for.

No, no, no. Because, no. Pete, the thing is, first of all, I haven't seen or spoken to Pete in years. Give your history with Pete, though, so people understand. Pete, no, seriously. Pete Davidson. to me, I consider him like a friend. Like, I don't know.

I don't know. I have no, I'm not a part of Pete's life at all. You guys used to be like that's right. We used to be real close. We used to be real close. But I don't, you know, to me. That was how many years ago? Yeah, fucking whatever, eight years ago.

So people on the internet. Yeah. At the time. Doesn't make sense. That's the thing. It's all the way back of 2014. People are like, they knew what happened. Yeah.

So basically, no, it was just like, it was just one of those things where it's like, again, I'm just telling the story because you ask, but I fucking love. I would be Pete's friend. I feel like I am Pete's friend. I just don't see the guy anymore. You're just both bids. You don't have to get into the story. No, no, no, no.

I'm not trying to shame Pete either. No, we're not trying to shame Pete. I don't, I, again, I just don't know him. But I think the reason why people were messaging you about that or, you know, whatever, is because these fucking internet fans, which thank, thank you. Pete, when we, he was 19, I was like 27. and a girl that I was dating was like 23. And then me and the girl broke up.

And then it was fully broken up. And then and then Pete just, and we were all friends. And then Pete, you know, after we broke up, was like started dating that girl. And so, but I was Pete's friend. And then they had a good relationship, whatever. I mean, especially we guys were all friends. I don't know what I'm friends.

But I've seen. Why are a girl so drawn to people? Because I was going to show at that point called Guy Code. so all the guy code things like you broke guy code Pete you broke up yeah first of all he was 19 number one he was 19

number two it's not like anybody like cheated on anybody was like we broke up you were all friends me and the girl broke up and then Pete dated her later and then Pete apologized to me like six months after everything Pete was like hey I shouldn't have done that I was wrong while he was still dating her all good he's a man all good

so but I think but like I think the fan I think that's why if you're asking me that question that's why the fans would say That's why they say, because they don't know. They don't know. They don't have a reason. They don't know. I don't think anyone can come up with a reason.

He's a good guy. End of the day. Well, as far as I know. As far as you know. Yeah. So I don't know. So I think, I think with Pete, but yeah, I wish I would see Pied. I just, the thing is when these guys get on SNL, like, you know, they're so busy that you don't see them anymore.

You know, you see him. You know, you see him. They're part of them to do sets. They can't really. Otherwise they get written off the show or fired. Yeah. So I don't, so I don't, when they drop it into the comedy cell, we all say hello and hang out. But for the most part, yeah, I don't, I don't see him.

He's very funny. I've never seen the stand-up. Yeah, I don't know. We'll see. I mean, fucking, think about how hard it's got to be. Imagine being that young and getting pushed into the spotlight that quick. And why did it happen for him that? Obviously, he's super talented, but who discovered him?

Because he was how old when he's like 17? 20 years old? But 17 when he started doing stand-up, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, when Pete, yeah. He was young. He was young.

He was 16, maybe. What perspective. do you have at 16? He was good. Well, he got a lie. His dad died in 9-11, so he went through some shit. That's true. So he was like one of those like, he went through some pain already.

So I think that's what it is with Pete. Yeah, he was just good at a young age. But, you know, I guess at times. Suffers from depression and stuff. To be honest with you, anything that the public knows about Pete, that's what I know about Pete. Because I just don't, you know, again, I'm just, you know, like you just lose touch with people. I just don't. I don't see or talk about.

I don't think I think Pete probably is harder on himself than anybody else needs to be. Sure. You know, that's what I gather. I don't know anything about him, but he seems like a good guy, funny, talented. Yeah, he got off social media. You want to talk about a big fucking dick. Bat, big big, big, energy. He started big dick energy.

Yeah. He's got a piece. Kids got a, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pease. I think he might be 10 no warts. Ten clean shaft. And they're saying it. Circumcite. And circumcised because he's a white kid from Staten Island,

so those kids, I don't think you can leave the hospital unless you're without the foreskin. You come out with the foreskin, no good. It's Catholic. It's Catholic. Yeah, it's Catholic. Yeah, apparently he has just that big dick. I'd love to see it, dude.

You've never seen it? I'd give it a twirl. No, he wouldn't pull it. He was, well, he was, that's another, that's one of the, honestly thing that I do get upset about most of Pete is because he was 16, 17 years old when we stopped really being friends. So like, you know, he was a minor. But I wish he was 18 because I would have demanded to see his penis.

Yeah, of course, you know? I would have to be like, hey, you got to fight me to get out of this doorway unless you put your dick in my top. Now big dick energy's gone. It's big dick spirit. It's big dick, kid, how tall is he? Tall is he tall, tall, tall drink of water. Tall lanky thing.

63, 6.4. See, guys like that, like, thinner guys like that, you get fucking hit with an elbow like that. You're going to get knocked unconscious. They'll split open an eye. Sure. You know, I don't like to fight a skinny mini like that. Raw bone.

It's weird that's at 6-1. He's dead. He's taller than that. Oh, no, no. PDD is way taller than that. Definitely. Six-1. Yeah.

He's, what is his nationality? Arna Grande, Cape Beckett's sale. Real nice lineup. He does well. What does he look like? I mean, what's his nationality? I don't know, actually. He looks almost like...

He's ambiguous. Yeah. The good old PDD. Yeah, I miss him. Hopefully, you know, hope he's doing well. American. Sounds like he's doing well. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, yeah, Netflix special SNL.

I hope he's doing well. I'm fucking taking Spirit Airlines to Vegas in an hour. No. He's Jewish? It's Jewish. Is he Jewish? Irish. Oh, there you go.

His father was Jewish. Yeah. Mother's Irish. Jewish. Right. He's Catholic. Yeah. I wonder what that means, you know, 9-11.

I guess Jews go to heaven, right? There's no heaven in the Old Testament. Okay. Did you know that? Oh, that's right. When you die, you're of the earth. Yeah, you're, you just have, you know, Moses and Abraham. They all lived, you know, in the Bible, 250 years and shit, had tons of kids.

Yeah, I'm a Catholic, but I'm kind of like more refurb. formed. Now, I got Catholic tattoos on my body, but, you know. Yeah? Yeah, my mother's very, very, very Catholic. She's a Catholic fucking... You grew up going to church. Oh, going to church, big time. And my mother... It's like my friend's dad. I think it was Tom Shaloo. Does Tom Shaloo still hang around? Tom Shaloo's around? Shaloo told me, he said, he said to his dad, he goes, I'm, he says, I'm not going to church. And his father sat down. I said, uh, you know, um, when I was your age, I had a a moment where I decided I wasn't going to go to church. My father sat me down and said, you're going to church.

He looked at Tom and he goes, you're going to church. And that was the fucking way it was. I went to camp in Wolfborough, New Hampshire. As a kid who never grew up in the United States, it was all Irish Italian kids. We went to church. And when I didn't go to church, my buddy Tom just looked at me and went like this, shook his head like.

Disappointed. Yeah. I was like, oh, Jesus. Dude, I was an altar boy. Like, I was like a Catholic fucking warrior. an altar boy and then 12 years old I got clipped by father Bill. Okay. Wait a minute.

What the fuck? Clip? No, you can't just clipped by my way. You jerked to thumb my way and you and I got clipped by Father Bill. I don't know why you had motion towards me. Second of all, don't say clip. Be more respectful to your 12 year old, you know, self. A couple things happened when I was 12.

When I was 12. Go ahead. Oh, sorry. Talking about getting clipped. Just real quick, yeah. A couple of things happened in the summer of, uh, what was that? Summer of Love. Ninth six.

I was molested, too. Yes, I was. So the, yeah, I think I might have said this on the last podcast, but yeah, the McKenzie brothers held me down and the older one skull fucked me when I was taking a shit. They tell you guys that story? No. Okay. The McKenzie brothers, fucking McKenzie brothers every single time.

They stole fucked you? The McKenzie boys, what happened was I was sitting down taking a shit. I was the run to the group. I was 12 years. All these kids were 16, 17, 17, in their early 20s. Big difference. So I would hang out with the young kids. And they would have me do, you know, like.

They were in the 40s with moustaches. Yeah, they would like rouse me. Like, you know, like, because I was young, they would like, you know, make me all these things. I remember one time they asked me. They were like, yo, dude, like, well, order Chinese food. They were like, get butt naked. They said, and put on this Miami Dolphins helmet and your mother's high heels. And I was like, that's a weird.

I swear to God. No, this is true. I swear to God. So we opened the door. So they said, and then answer the Chinese food guy, they said, yo, it'll be funny. Answer the Chinese, answer for the Chinese food like that with the Miami Dolphins helmet on, butt naked, your mother's high heels. And I was like, absolutely, dude, I want you guys to like me.

So, so. So. in the making. A true comic in the making. So literally we all go down. We're like dying left. I'm like, this is going to be great. Open the door.

See, obviously, the Chinese guy's fucking surprised. Then they push me out the door and lock the door. So now I'm butt naked on the actual public Brooklyn Street with the Chinese delivery guy. Yep. But naked with my mom's high heels, which now have flown off. My shoes fell off like the jerky boys with my fucking Miami Dolphins head on. And then they made me stay out there for about two hours. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And it was like a brisk March day. So that happened. So I was like, but these guys love me. And then I was sitting on the toilet one day taking a shit and one of them jumped on my lap

and then the other one got up and just fucking gave me a nice pump, nice skull-fucked pump. Two pumps and my head hit back it knocked off a tile. I swear to God, knocked off a tile. My mother's one of her ceramic tiles

in the bathroom fucking knocked it back off. Like I literally a tile down. By the way, your friends were gay. Yeah, by the way, you know that story's 100% true because that's so fucking specific. Yeah. My head hit the tile I was just taking a shit.

He shoved a dick in your mouth? Literally hard dick, open up my mouth and popped one. And I was like, no, dude, I'm fucking. You're a pedophile. Your friends were, They were a couple of pitos. McKenzie grows a couple of pitos working in tandem.

And then, you know, I've told that story once that somebody was like, oh my God, like that's like you should report that to police like that. You were like sonomized. And I was like, yeah, but as the McKenzie brother's dick was coming out, I took a lick on the tip like a tutsie pop. So it's not like. Oh, it was. I was. I think I was.

being raped until I saw that peel and then I just took a little lip I took a little lippy-dippy yeah and I just you know what I mean yeah and here's the thing um they had to have planned that 100% sit in his lap let me get my dig hard I'm gonna put it in his mouth they're they're they should be in jail probably right but I don't fucking care because the thing is is this is it in turn here's because here's what happened because it internally motivated me because they were always making fun of me always picking me last you know bouncing the ball off my head fucking you know they would fucking steal my mother's credit card and order you know mattresses to her house, like, do you crazy shit like that.

They killed my dog. Yeah, I swear. Terrible. The lot of stuff they did. No, I'm being serious. You're still my friends to this day. I swear, I'm not even being silly. Dog killer, pedophiles.

Like, literally, they used to order mattresses. You're good with them as long as you're not a dog or a child. Right. They used to take shits in my sink religiously. Shits in my hamper and whatever. But I was young. I was like to run to the group. But it internally motivated me to like want to be like, you know, better than them in school,

better than them in sports. And then I got all these accolades, doctor degree, an All-American basketball player. Hold on. Chris, I think a lot of this story might be. And with all due respect, fabricated, because you didn't get a doctor. I was on board until that. Yeah, I don't think you got a doctorate. All-American.

I have a doctorate in physical therapy. And I have a Division of All-American Basketball player. You could Google that. I swear to God. Google, Google Christa-Stefano. Google Christa-S-Stefano Basketball All-American. D-I-S-D-I-S-T-E-F-A-N-E-E-F-A-N. All American.

I got to get, Brennan, you got to get involved in this now. D-I-S-T-E-F-A-N-O. And then... Is it D-3-All-American? D-3, All-American? It was... Is it three? All-American basketball?

All-American basketball. Yeah, let's see if it comes up. And then you can, yeah, put, boom, Chris DeStefano, St. Joseph's College, Brooklyn, inductee to the Hall of Fame, Chris DeStefano. Holy shit. Yeah, and then, and then... Oh, no images. Is there another Chris Decefano, though?

No, go ahead. Click images. Let's see. And you want to see some fucking... There I, yeah, see, see go the way to the right, number 44. Oh, yeah. There it is. American History X. Shaved skinhead.

And then I have a doctor degree in physical therapy. And that's all because I was skull fucked by the McKenzie brothers. You could. Oh, you got a good. I thought you were bullshit. Do Christa Stefano doctor of physical therapy? Do Chris DeStefano doctor? Oh, wow.

I received my doctorate in 2010 from the New York Institute of Technology on Long Island. Oh, I'm going to take it. Yeah, dude. That's three and a half years. Dude, I could fucking fix your wrist right now, man. I swear to God. You give me a little bit ex-a-can-Uston. Can I tell you what's funny?

and I'll fucking fix your wrist right now. I follow physical therapy Instagram posts and I do the exercises and I'm paying for free. Dude, listen, I mean, look, yeah, doctor, there it is. Yeah, there is, Chris and Seppano has earned a doctor degree in physical therapy in 2010.

You thought you were just fucking around. Pediatric physical therapist, babe. I'm telling you, man, so that's... All-American basketball. Anybody out there, anybody out there. I encourage you to skull fuck. A white point guard, all American basketball? Yeah, and then I, yeah, I just,

my whole life before... There it is. a doctor with a sense of humor I'm a Mohegan's son Wow Yeah So um but that's yeah That's all because I took one off the uvula in a 96

Wow Yeah my right Thompson got a fucking eviscerated And you know what uvula means I know what a uvula is I know what all that stuff is Now was your plan to get a Was a stand up plan B Because you were gonna get a college degree

And do all this And get a doctorate Well no I got it I got the degree and I was a license So you were like if that doesn't work out You can fall back on this I started simultaneously doing stand-up the third year of my doctorate program and then I got to a point where because

I was on guy code and girl code and those shows started to become very popular. You know, the principal of the school is like, look, you can't be doing a show about hiding your boner, the guy code to hiding your boner and then treating children with disabilities. So I left my physical therapy. I left the job and then started doing stand-up full time. Oh, so was it for you, you were working with children? I was a pediatric. I was a special. specialized pediatric physical therapist. Jesus Christ. Because, dude, yeah.

No, dude, that's fucking, yeah. Wow. That's what it is, man. Did you like that work? Not as much as that. Getting called fuck to her. No, no, no, no, no. The physical therapy.

Oh, I loved being a physical therapist. It's very gratifying to help, like, mentally and physically handicapped kids. But that's why I like comedy, too, because it's gratifying. I like helping people. Yeah. You know, so, and that's, it's weird because I tell those stories, and they're all are true. My friend.

We thought you're so full of shit. No, people are like, people are like, dude, you literally need to go to therapy and all that. And I'm like, I don't know, man. I still love those guys. Like, I would help those guys with whatever they needed. Yeah, they fucked with you a lot. Fucked me a lot.

But I feel like if I... Big brothers. Like big brother shit. If that didn't happen to me, because there was also a lot of good things they did, you know? The skull fuck is so intense. I mean, the skull fuck the match just in killing one of my mother's dogs by giving it Clorox was, um, wow.

You know, I guess these are all illegal things. But you have this is pre-9-11. But what are they doing these days? The pre-9-11 bro. One of them's dead. as expected. One of them died. How do you die? One of them works, one of them works some bullshit job in a bodega. There you go. And the other one's like divorced and just a piece of shit and wants to, you know,

always ask me if I, if I, if I, he can manage my career. There you go. So in many ways I feel like I've won. Yeah. Jokes on you. But that's why, yeah, tricep, big triceps pushing down the gay. That's all from them. So, uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Congratulations. I mean, listen, I'm 35 years old right now. I mean, I'd be shocked if I don't kill myself before 40. But, You know, well... I don't think you're going to. Yeah, you never know. You're a sneaky accomplisher.

I am a sneaky little fuck. He leaves a sneaky, sneaky ambitious. I'm a sneaky. Bro, that's being that good at basketball, could you play D1 basketball? I got, so Jim Beehime, the coach of Syracuse, I was at the Eastern Invitational

where they invite the top 200 players at each position. So when I got, I got invited for point guard and shooting guard, when I was my last year of high school and he told me, you know what? He was like, you have a division one jump shot and a division three body. So he said, that's, unfortunately, that's your truth.

You got a D1 jump shot, but it isn't a division three body. Just like. Me, you're just too short? Yeah, just like a prominent casting director told me once he said, I don't think you're ever going to really work in Hollywood because you have leading man-faced best friend body. So it's just... So you couldn't, you didn't have the...

How tall? I'm 6'1. So I think the reason where my jump shot came from, this is another true thing. Stockton, John Stockton? My father. well John Stockton is great but my father who was you know in and out of jail did I ever tell you guys about my father

on the show? Okay so my father he is great dad and he really wanted me to play basketball so he would take me down a Farmers all the park in Ridgewood Queens every day during the summer or as much as he could when he wasn't in prison and we would take a thousand jump shots a day and we would take a thousand jump shots today so it would take and he would grab my rebounds

and just bang jump shots jump shots jump shots and then the last hundred number one they had to be all swishes So even if it went in, it wasn't a swish, it didn't count. A hundred swishes, I had to hit all hundred. And then he would have a broomstick that was like seven feet tall because he was wanted to mimic a seven-footer. And then on the broomstick, for no reason he had wrote in the word Leroy on it. So he had a broomstick named Leroy. And I was like, Dad, why is it Leroy?

He was like, because Black guy's names are Leroy. I'm like, it's not 1971. And there's many other types of basketball players other than Black Guy. So Leroy, the Broomstick. I would shoot jump shots higher. marking jump shots over that. And then so when I came out, this Eastern Invitation, I could just, you know, I just hit shots. Division three, there was, JJ Reddick was the best shooter. There was a, my friend had a clip of it. ESPN was on ESPN. It was they had the number one, two, and division one leader,

division two leader, division three leader, and three point field goal percentage. And J.J. Reddick was number one. Three point field goal percentage. It was like, whatever, 48 percent or something like that, or 50% and then some other kid was D2 and then I was on the list because I was leading D3 at that moment. I didn't lead it for the country. But I was shooting 70% from threes in my senior year because I was just literally

I was like you're not going to fucking skull fuck me I'm going to hit these threes. So it was literally in your face. Basketball was such a big part of my life that my friends who come and watch me do comedy. They're like I can't believe you don't talk about basketball. That's what anybody ever knew me in my neighborhood from. So strange. Because you have to fit in where I was

like a black and Latino neighborhood. So it's like If you're not, if you're going to be the white kid, you need to be able to play ball. So, yeah, so that's what I did. And then, yeah, and now, you know, what are you going to do? Wait, yeah, I wanted to ask you a question about that. So you were, you were hidden from three, what was your dad?

Why was he in jail all the time? He was in jail because, I think he was, like, organized. He wasn't in the mafia, but it was like organized crime-related stuff, where I think, you know, racketeering, collecting money large. He was, like, those guys, like, they were always sitting outside on the, like, the chairs and the movies. He's not in the cafe, but he's sitting down and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you hear for?

He was connected. Connected. So he would get scooped up and go to prison, you know, every other year. And then my mother graduated from Columbia. My mother has an Ivy League graduate woman. So she, and they met her to walk-a-thon. The dad was a good-looking guy? No, he wasn't. My dad's disgusting.

His nickname is Tony Balls. My dad's on dialysis. I swear to God. My dad's... His nickname was Tony Balls. He would write Tony Black, if we would like sign in at like the Olive Garden or something, that would be Tony Balls. It would be B-A-L-Z. And he would always write that.

And then they met at a walk-a-thon. And my mom was walking in the walk-a-thon as a participant. There was, like, some cancer research thing. And my father was doing community service on the side of the walk-a-thon. So my father was, that's where they met. And then it's interesting because my mom, they had me very early. They had me on, like, the second date. And my mother was very religious woman.

And then her whole life was like, my mom's. whole life was like, you will not act like your father. You will not. You're going to pronounce your ours. You're not going to go to jail. You're not going to get in trouble. You're going to go to school. You're not going to make the same mistakes. You're going to marry a woman and then have a family. You're not going to do these, make these mistakes. And I never made any mistakes. All I did was pursue my education, pursue my athletics,

then pursue my dream. And my mother, check, check, check. And then my mother was so happy. And then 30 years old, go to fucking this barn, Brooklyn, Connell and Brooklyn called Place to Beach. I see my kid's mom dancing around. Second date, pregnant. I did exactly what my mother and my dad did. So strange, man. Dude, that literally, those things,

dude, my daughter, this is fucking, it gave me like the chills. So, like, two months ago, my daughter's preschool teacher, who has been teaching preschool for like 30 years. She goes, listen, I know all the jokes with the kids. I know the farts, the flicking the boogers. I know they're being silly. she goes, your daughter did something that I've never seen before. She said, we were all getting ready for dismissal.

She said, and she comes out, and she has on like five of the classmates' coats. She has on everybody's coats. And we're laughing because she's trying to hug and she's bouncing off them, like, stay puff marshmallow man. And she's like, we're laughing hysterical. The teacher was like, I've never seen that. It was a good bit. She was like, you know, your dad's a comedian. So I was like, that's funny.

She was like, so I think you should put your daughter in comedy. She's just got an original mind. It was great with the coats and blah, blah, blah. So a couple of days go by, I'm telling my mother, you know, me, my mom and my daughter are hanging out. And I'm like, Mom, Delilah did something. She put on everybody's jackets and, like, the bit, whatever. And my mother goes, I'll be right back. Comes out, takes a picture.

She had forgotten four years old. You did it. Me, when I was four years old, their exact age, all the jackets on. And it, like, gave me the chills because I've never talked about that bit. My daughter, my mother forgot I even did that. It was 30 years ago. My daughter, it was in her head already. So when I was younger, I used to have a recurring.

nightmare about my mother. I was on a flying trapeze. Right. And I was trying to get away from my mother. And my mother was a witch. Okay. And my mother was chasing me on the trapeze. And I would be swearing at her and it would make her more and more angry. But I couldn't stop swearing at her. Right. And then I would fall and she would jump and catch me in mid air, grab her nails and start tickling me with her fucking nails in my ribs. It was a horrible nightmare. Holy shit. So I would wake up and I had that recurring nightmare. When I told my mother that, my mother that, my mother, mother went white. She used to have the exact same. Holy shit. The exact same night. Dude, well, two things. Number one, I'll

tickle you any time you want now that you're never. That wasn't the point. Number two, I also have a nightmare as well, and it's being raped by a priest. So, um, well, you know, that, listen, this doesn't sound. Brendan doesn't care. I mean, he's on his father, man. Hey, whoa. Sorry. Um, dude, I'll fucking look everybody's ankles. That's fucking amazing, though. That's crazy. That's amazing. It's so cool, man. Yeah, well, what can you do, you know? And, uh, and yeah, now I'm here and I'm proud, you know, Well, I have a full-size basketball course.

If you want to come over and get cooped up, come on over. I'd love to play. Wasn't the time you shot a ball? I haven't shot a ball in quite some time, but I'm down. I'm down. Yeah, whatever you want to do. You want to shoot a little jump shots. Whatever you want to do. We should do teams.

I just want to make sure Ari Shafir is the coach. I like what he has to say. Let's go to current event. What do you got, Jen? Well, well. Okay. So you guys know about TikTok by now, yeah? Hell yeah.

I'm on it. I feel like we're too old for it. I just, I don't know. I just went on it. I just upload old videos. Okay. So there's a new challenge going around based off of a 2013 study that says that there are taste receptors on your testicles. And now people on TikTok are taking it upon themselves to dip their balls into soy sauce to see if they can taste them.

I just taste it. Because your balls may have taste receptors. It doesn't have taste buds. So you can't taste the soy sauce. It's just a bunch of kids. But your balls are tasting the soy sauce. Technically, you can't actually taste it, but technically your balls can't. Your balls are receiving the soy sauce.

Yes. I like that. Yeah. I could have told you that you can't taste things through your balls. But all right. Yeah. I literally, you guys ever. I don't need to drop them in soy sauce.

I figure that out. You ever ate your cum or anything like that? Never. I'm very squishy about that It makes you feel sick Well I heard there's a thing called the snowball With a girl You come in the girl's mouth

And she puts it in your mouth Oh, that's the snowball Gotta be the worst thing I can't I'm very You're a doctor Have you? Ever tasted cum

Yeah My own cum? I've tasted men's come But not But not But not From those brothers No no no no no

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no a No I've told you I've told you on plant base last try it was keto what do you want me to eat so so it's man yeah then the ymca exactly uh with a blindfold no i have tasted the way and come you know what's a wild thing about come is um there's so when my kid's mom was pregnant she was she was she was well we were nine months uh she was pastor due and um dula went to a dula and nice uh jewish uh doctors we had so the dula they know everything they're all they don't even use the medicine they're all they don't even use the medicine

They're like, we know how to get, I could get this baby out. I could just push it out of your fucking belly button. Like Ace Ventura, I could just pop it out. And so they know all the tricks, no medicine. So that's why we went to her, and she was great at this Dula. So we're two, three days past the due date. And they're asking me all these questions, all these questions. And then they say, the Dula says, all Jewish woman, she goes,

she goes, here's what you need to do. If you want to have this baby, here's what you need to do. She goes, there's properties in semen, in men's semen, when ingested, when swallowed, has releases a chemical called Relax. And that's the name of the chemical. relaxing, which will open up, it'll cause your water to break, and it'll start to open up your pelvic muscles, and the baby will start to come. And so she was like, so you're telling me, I need to give him a blowjob and swallow it. That's what you're saying. And then, and then literally, no, it's a woman.

And then it's this girl. And then, and then she, my kid's mom says to the door, she's like, did you pay her to fucking say that? And I was like, no. I was like, I'm just as shocked as you are. And she's like, well, it's not going to happen. I'm not, I'm nine months pregnant. I don't want to do it. So I was like, yeah, I mean, fucking whatever, whatever you want to do, babe, I'm here. Then like, whatever, a couple hours going by, I'm sitting there. And we're just like waiting.

She's pacing back and forth. We're watching TV. And she goes, pull your dick out right now. She goes, just pull it out and put it on my mouth right now. And I was like, we don't have to do whatever. She goes, put it into my mouth. And then she fucking milked me with her mouth. She literally was like, are you going to fucking come?

And I was like, and then literally that for some reason made me come because she had like that because the way she screamed it was like rasping it sounded a little bit like Father Bill I'm into it so I sprayed it it was just a thing so I sprayed it into her mouth

and then literally 15 minutes coosh water broke fucking baby came out eight hours later she was like literally like crowning like literally crowned

pushing the baby out my father walks into the because it was just my mom and her mom and me thanks to your come my father fucking walks in to the delivery room as like literally my baby's head is coming out

and he's like we're gonna have a baby and then I'm like and then she's like get out of here and then my dad's like he goes he goes we're gonna have a baby I'll be outside and he goes yo Chrissy by the way Yankees got fucking rocked last night he goes we gotta trade Sabathia literally as like my baby's coming out

that's the first word she is goes yeah he got fucking Sabathia got fucking rocked last night and then my dad this is what a compulsive gambler my dad is he bet with my uncle $500 on my child's gender

because we didn't have a gender reveal. He bet $500 and he put $500 and he was going to be a boy and he's lost and he had to fucking pay my uncle. That's what it degenerate. That's why I love my dad. He's like he's a great guy. You guys both?

Very close. That sounds great. Me and my dad are very close because he always get him on the podcast. He would love to come on the podcast. He always had like the right intentions but like the wrong moves like divorce from my mom you know very early.

Jail. Jail. Jalf. But like very much like Chris like you know like I'm going to show you how to do things. Like my mother started dating this guy. Dude, it was the work. Imagine being 15 years old. Imagine thinking about we're 15 year old kids.

My mom started dating one of my best friend's fathers. Do you understand how brutal that is? You're 15. Aaron Hernandez, though. Yeah, you're fucking drinking beers in a garage. You're acting like kids and then they'd be alone in the conversation. Some would be like, what do you think Gary's dad's doing? And somebody else's like, I don't know, banging

Chris's mom. And it was just like fighting. I can't fucking, I'm getting so fuck. My mom. My mom fucking my dad's friends. No wonder you're so successful. It's brutal, dude. Yeah, so I'm just like, I'm going to win. So, anyway, this guy cheats on my mother and starts

dating the woman who lives directly across the street. Real playboy. Yeah, real fucking disgusting pig of a guy. And that broke my mother's heart, right? I'm 15 years old. And I'll never forget, I was having this fucking bad psoriasis flare up. Sometimes I would just flare up. Probably because of this psychological trauma. Dude, I'm telling you, man, now that you're

divorced, just explore it. You know? You know? Just explore it, man. I love to rub my fucking. You've never gotten roadhead like a guy who's been molested. I don't feel comfortable. Yeah. So I, yeah.

So I, so I'm like, I'm sitting there. I'm 15 years old. My mother's looking out the window at the cross the street because the guy who, she was just dating a week ago is cheating on her, dumped her for this woman who lives across street. And my father was coming to pick me up to take me to baseball practice. And he goes, he sees my mother crying. And he's like, what the fuck is what's going on with her? Because he still like loves my mom.

And then I go and I'm like, oh, remember that guy? Remember that guy she was dating? And he fucking Gary's dad. Well, he dumped her and he's dating a woman who lives across the street. And he was like, you're going to do something about that? I was like, I'm 15 years old. I have psoriasis. Like, what can I possibly do?

Like, I bitch has been traumatized my whole life. I'm just, what am I going to itch? And he goes, I'll be right back. This is true story. I saw this with my own eyes. He goes, I'll be right back. So he goes, don't come outside. I'm going to get his bagels, but don't come outside.

And I was like, okay, well, I'm coming outside. So literally, I, I feel. fucking creep down the stairs. Like, I have my mother's high heels on. You know, like, I'm just creeping down. Just like, so I look out the window. I see my dad ring the bell of the thing across the street. And he must said, he must have been asked. He's, you know, the guy. He goes, ah, fucking is John around? The woman whose genie answers the door was her home. He comes out. Literally, as he gets to the door, I see my dad grab him in one move, grab him and throw him down the stairs. And my dad's fat. He, like, you would seem like, I'll fucking rock this guy. But he's just

got that psychotic button. Yeah. Yeah. Gets. fucking throws it down the stairs, waddles down the stairs, and starts punching this guy in the face. I run outside. I hear my mother screaming, Tony, Tony, you're going to kill him. My dad comes walking across the street with blood all over, like kind of like on his shirt and on his hands and a little bit on his face. Like John Latter.

Dude, literally he was walking across street like Ray Leota and Goodfellas. I felt like fucking Karen. He didn't give a fuck. Just sitting and I was like, oh my God. I'll hide the gun. I love that scene. Dude, that's literally what it looked like to me. And then he goes, that was your job.

That was your fucking. fucking job. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm 15 years old. I have serrises. I was raped by priest. I'm like, I can't emotionally do this. And then like, it was always the same thing. Three hours later, we're driving over the Arizona Bridge on Staten Island. And he's like, and he's like, you know, I shouldn't have done that, right? You know, that was the wrong thing. I shouldn't have done that. I'm like, you know, I know mom knows the police now. We all fucking know he should have done. He's like, well, all I was trying to tell you was, and I should have just used words, not actions. It was like, all I was trying to tell

you was. Instead of sitting in your room playing video games itching your fucking rash, go comfort your mother when she's out there crying. I should have used my words, but instead I used my action. That's what he kept saying. Your dad is the fucking mess.

Dude, yeah, he used to do fucking wild shit all the time. I was at Doc Gooden's no hitter. Doc Gooden's no hitter. May 1996. I'll never forget because it was Doc Gooden's no hitter. And in just a few short months later, my life was going to change by the skull fuck and the priest rank yeah because that was also 96 but the summer so so i'm sitting at the

game we're in the upper upper upper upper deck which i'm fine with those seats but sure my dad's like you know dwight good it's seventh inning no hits my dad's like this guy's pitching in no no i kept saying my dwight's pitching in no no he kept saying dwight guy's pitching fucking no no and then so and then so he's like we got to get better seats and i was like yeah but it's fine you know oh and by the way that day what dwight good and's no hitter was a monday i had a science project do the next morning the next day and my mother had said my told my father specifically leave after the fourth inning he needs to be home we have to go and wake him up at 7 am he needs to finish the science project the fourth inning tony i'm serious now keep in mind it's 1996 no cell phones

my mother's like yeah and my dad's like yeah the fourth inning i got it don't worry babe he called my mom babe he still he's like they've been divorced 30 years but he still calls her babe she's like this is offensive so so he's like no problem babe i'll have him back to it's i'll see you know we're going to cook dinner She's like, we've been divorced for 20 years. You know, he just doesn't get it. He still thinks they're happily married. I'm like, you live in a bathtub. So he goes, so my dad, this is, so we're at the Yankee game.

Now it's the seventh inning. It's fucking way past the fourth inning. It's, I see the time like dad. Mom said to go home. He goes, listen, Dwight's pitching a no-no. So she'll understand. A no-no. Yeah.

Yeah, sure. I'm like, she'll understand. She doesn't know what baseball even is. She's going to know what a no-no is. So my mom, so my dad goes, all right, listen. He goes, it's coming up on the eighth inning. He goes, we got to get you behind home plate. I got to get you behind home plate. I said, yeah, but dad, I don't care. He goes, no, no, he's pitching a no, we're going to go. He goes, you got to listen to me.

Do everything I tell you to do. This is all fucking, like, in slow motion, I remember this day in my life. So we get down to the security guard behind home plate, and my dad sees two or three open seats right behind home plate, right? In the old Yankee Stadium. And he says to the security guard, he's like, he goes, listen. He goes, you know, it's Dwight's pitching a no, no. He goes, me and my kid. I mean, first time I've ever taken in the Yankee Stadium. That was like my 12th game that season. He was like, it's the first time I've ever taken him to fucking Yankee's a big moment for my kid. Dwight's

Pitchin' No, no, no, there's two seats. Come on. Let me just, and he's, you know, taking out cash. My dad takes out cash. What do I need? You know, grease and people. And the guy goes, no, he's not, he can't sit down there. I'm sorry, you're going to have to watch him here. And then that takes your breath. He goes, he goes, all right, he goes up, but my son's got special needs.

I swear to go, and then I was like, I looked up at him, and I was like, what? like special needs and then I was just sitting there with my mouth open like kind of like with a half smile and then the security gone gives me a noogie and goes have a good time kid

and then literally I was just I literally was like it gave me a complex because I'm like I know I have like a weird mushroom haircut from super cuts but I don't think I look like I fucking have special needs

but I but I sat there I swear to God I sitting there and this is where the story gets unbelievable but I swear to God, this is fucking true. The row in front of where me and my dad are saying, now it's the ninth inning, Dwight's two

outs away from the no-hitter, which he eventually gets. Big deal. Big deal. I see, I notice it's fucking, I'm 12 years old height of the WWF, big wrestling fan. Mr. Perfect. Is that one row in front of us? Mr. fucking perfect, the wrestler. Every kid's favorite wrestler at that time, I'm like, Dad, that's Mr. Perfect.

And he goes, who's that? And I go, he's a wrestler. And he goes, yeah, I go, I was fucking great. And he goes, and he just starts, yell. and he drops the mystery. He goes, yo, perfect. Perfect. He goes, give my son an autograph.

What about getting my kid an autograph? Do I put you to do no? And then Mr. Perfect, I swear to God, turns around. He goes, no. I swear to God, he goes, no. Like, he was just, and he was drinking and, you know, whatever. And then my dad goes, my son's got special needs. I swear to God.

And then I still, to this day, in my mother's room, have a Yankees ticket signed half-ass by Mr. Perfect. And then we get back And it was the same story With my father As it fucking always is Where a block away from my mother's house It's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning

I'm supposed to be home by 8 It's 2 o'clock in the morning My dad goes Don't tell your mother what happened Just don't tell your mother what happened Tell her there was a train delay A fucking train delay So literally I love your father

What a great fucking dad Yeah we ring the big dad What a great dad And then my dad It's so funny because it's 2 a.m. And my dad used to sleep In the basement Because he had to go all the way back

to Staten Island, and then it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and my dad starts walking in to go to the basement, and my mother goes, Tony, get the fuck out of my house. And you have to take the ferry and three trains all the way back to his house at Staten Island at 2 a.m. What a great memory for you, that. Besides you being special. Yeah, being special. And then, yeah, and then I failed.

I didn't, you know, I got a D on that science project because I just couldn't do it. Worth it. Worth it. What a fucking man. You're going to think I'm kidding. It might be my favorite story. I agree with you. Yeah.

That might be one of my favorite stories. And you're going to think I'm. kidding, but it makes me kind of think about how to parent my son. Yeah. I got to start doing some shit. Keep them out to 2 in the morning. Yeah, whatever. Like breaks it up. Yeah, dude. I got to take him to a game. I've never taken my kid to a fucking game.

No, dude. My dad, that would literally... Have you? Was four. That was my dad's teaching places for that. Anything like... And it was always rewards. If I could get a good grade or if I would, you know, clean my room or... That's how I operate. My dad would be like the incentive for you.

That's all. Take you to a Knicks game. I'll take you to the Yankees game. I'll take you to a New York Giants game. So that, and that was all the moments with my father were at stadiums. Great memories. Great moments. Great moments. Is your dad, how old is he now? My dad's 75 years old now.

He's on dialysis? He's on dialysis, yeah. How's he doing otherwise? He's doing, no, he's doing good. Actually, and it comes full circles. We used to sit in the upper deck at Knicks games. I remember, I remember fucking what time. I'm an innocent little kid.

I was, you know, 10, maybe even younger. Nine at Madison Square Garden. This was actually my first Knicks game that my dad took. me too so maybe I was younger maybe I was eight and a Patrick Ewing fucking Tomahawk dunked on somebody against the Orlando Magic Shaquille O'Neal I believe maybe was even a rookie dunked on Shaquille O'Neal and I got up and I went oh my god he just slammed that like a monkey and then I went like who who like that and my dad was like sit down but I just you didn't know he just thought he looked like a like donkey tongue yeah my dad was like and then he explained to me like why I can't

what that means and I was like oh shit so it was like I remember that moment and then it comes full circle because like three months ago I got courtside seats from you know having my own New York Knicks connections from career stuff and we got to sit courtside. Yeah we got to sit court side.

You're your dad. Yeah, see my dad. And it was funny because when you sit courtside when you get these certain connections, whatever, they put you up on the jumbo tron, right? So there's just fucking horrible timing. You know, I don't fucking whatever. I, you know, I've been on a couple of shows but I'm not Jumbotron material. I mean, Even I know that.

I'm like, I don't want to do this. So it's me, my dad, and Phil Collins, right? My dad's sitting next to Phil Collins. I'll never forget. My dad's synchinax, Phil Collins had candy, chocolate candy. And my dad's just eaten. He was putting his hand in Phil Collins' candy bag without his permission. And Phil Collins could do nothing.

He liked Phil. He liked Phil. They were laughing the whole time. He was telling him crazy stories. Yeah, he was telling him crazy fucking stories. He was calling him Phil up. He was like, it's Phil. He's like, you look like a Philip.

And he was just saying shit like that. Eat and Phil Collins. candy and then literally they put Phil Collins up on the Jumbotron and they play his song do do do do do dude dude standing ovation like Phil fucking Collins bang like literally fades out goes crazy they start playing a clip of my stand-up I'm like no they didn't fucking no I literally heard somebody go I literally hear somebody from like 10 rolls back who the fuck is that? literally goes up like I have video of it on my Instagram deep in my Instagram

they put me up on the Jumbotron you know comedian chrysostephano you can hear a pin drop you just see my father's hand come and start rubbing my back as I'm getting a full zero from 15,000 people on Madison Square Garden my dad's just rubbing them back and you hear him going it's almost over kid it's almost over I got I'm going deep in your Instagram I swear to yeah it's up it's like one of those things that it's a full fucker's here you just see him why they make you follow fucking Phil Collins. That's what I said. I said, listen, I'm appreciative of it's a nice moment to be, I'm a Knicks

fan to be on MSG Jumbotron once. It's like a fucking, you never think that's going to happen. So it's great. I'm not saying I deserve it, but it was great. But I was like, could I have at least one before Phil Collins? I mean, they play you can't follow. And they just played that drum part. Everybody knows. Yeah. I can feel

it. And then he's like, and he's like, you know, fucking yeah. And then literally a full zero just rubbing my back. Yeah. Tracy Morgan was there too. Tracy Morgan was like, they did you, call, son. And you doing stuff like that. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

That's so stupid. Dude, I don't think we need to do current events. No, I don't know. I just talk through it. It's awesome. You get to fuck about current events. This is my favorite stories you pat on there. I'm taking fire in the kid, gets to the air from Delia.

You might. You might. Doing that fucking, I have the stupidest memory of that when we were playing in the air tonight. And me and we were all pretending that we were going to assassinate somebody out as you were in college. And I'm like, shh. I'm putting the. gun. My friend's like, look at his losers.

We had nothing to do. By the way, way, way, way too old for this, I'm fucking giving him the gun. And it's like, and we're going to, as we're driving, just level the gun. It's like, and I'll have the wind of it. And my friend, this is so stupid.

I don't know why it's funny. But he just, and it has the gun, he just goes, he just goes, he just dies. He got shot and he's, he's lying there like that as we drive by. Well, that's just, Wow.

After this story, after his great story, we had an out. We had an out. Let's add it. I added that out. It's the worst story of all time. Wow.

Yeah, so he died. Just like Chris shine in his moment. Yeah, he died. And that's my little con story. That's my terrible Phil Collins story. And you're just, what a great story.

You're a monster, dude. Are you on the road? Yeah. I thought you were going to be able to join me when I'm in New York, May, was it seventh and eighth? You look different in every picture. Dude, it's what it is.

You look, I don't know who that guy is. That's me, that's me with a size 38 waist. Now I'm a size 36 waist. Stay, stay chunky. You look good. You like the chunky monkey? So, yeah, so I'll be, um, so March 19th, um, I have a history. My podcast, history hyenas, please go check that out with the great Janus Pappas.

We have live shows at the Grammarcy Theater's, first show sold out. Second show's available March 19th and April 29th at the Wall Street Theater in Norwalk for the history hyenas. And then me, just me doing standup. We got a Vancouver. It's a new club. Yeah. Rick Brons, it's House of Comedy in Vancouver.

You open a new club. club. Opening the club. Yeah, Vancouver. I like Rick. Rick's a good guy. I got Laugh Boston. I just put Raleigh North Carolina up, April 9 to 11th.

And then Philadelphia, Philly Punchline. And then we just added October 9th and 10th. We got Aladdin Theater in Portland on October 9th and then October 10th the Neptune theater in Seattle, Washington. I'll be bringing Don DePetter with me, aka Handsome Janus. So go get those tickets. Chris D.com. Chris D.com.

You're the best. Thank you guys for having me. Oh, next week, I'm in Atlanta, Bucket Theater. That's Friday the 13th. And then Saturday, March 14th. I'm in New Orleans. One night, one show only each city.

Then the following weekend, March 19th through the 21st, B-Day weekend. Hey. What do you do, guy? I don't know. Let's get weird, dude. We got some plans for you. Brian's divorced. I'm divorced.

Let's do, man. I don't know. I can get a hotel. Yeah, we can do it. In Austin. We're in Austin. Wow. I'm in Austin.

And Capp City. It's legal there. It's very legal. It's actually, yeah, you get bonus. It's right. It's weird. Yeah, March 19th through 21st, Austin, Cap City. And I close out the month, Toronto, Detroit, Minneapolis.

Now I'm off to Europe. Tfackay.com for take it to be. Where am I up? I'm Kansas City, the third and the fourth of April at the improv. Can't wait. And then Columbus. Daddy's back on the road. Daddy's back on road.

I got a lot of road gigs. Columbus, Ohio. 17th. April, 18th of April at the Funny Bone, Charlotte Comedy Zone 23rd, 24, 25th. I don't like your energy. And then Denver.

I don't like your energy. I'm not buying a ticket. Come on, please. I like your energy, dude. Please. All right, there you go. Chris, you're the best. You fucking killed it.

Dom, Chris, thank you for joining us. Thanks, Bubbus. Fucking great. This is the fun kid. We're out.